All language subtitles for Little Nicky 2000

(tense music)

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, Ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, Ready to rock ♪

♪ Rock it up, suckers, I
can rock about the blocks ♪

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Rock it up, suckers, I
can rock about the blocks ♪

[Boy] Let me show you what I made today.

I can't wait.

I need to go upstairs and change,

and then I'll start dinner.

[Boy] Okay.

[Mother] Okay.

(peaceful music)

(radio music playing)

♪ And the feeling's right ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night ♪

♪ Oh, what a night ♪

♪ Oh, what a night ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies night ♪

♪ And the feeling ♪

Ooh, showtime.

(gentle music)

Rough day at the office, Mrs. Dunleavy?

You'll feel better once you
get out of those work clothes

and into some sweats.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh, I wish you'd let me rub those feet.

Of course, I wouldn't use my hands.

(peeper chuckling)

Oh.

I think Victoria just told me her secret.

Oh.

(imitating cymbals crashing)

Oh, my deedly dee. Are
those things for me?

(peeper softly squeals)

Oh.

[Boy] Mom, I'm coming in.

Oh, Scottie Dunleavy?

What unfortunate timing.

Get out!

Don't you know this is naughty time?

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello, Scottie.

Say, why don't you be a good little boy,

go downstairs, let your
mother get comfy, all right?

Who is this?

This is a big bird,

who wants to see the rest of Mommy.

(peeper cackles)

(Mrs. Dunleavy gasps)

Oh. Oh.

- Oh my God, Scottie. Is
that a man up our tree?

No, no. Tell her it's a bird.

It's just a big bird.

(imitates bird cawing)
(foreboding music)

(Scottie shouts)

(peeper groans)

(peeper screaming)
(lively music)

(peeper groans)

Hey, pal. Welcome.

Welcome to what? Where am I?

(sinner grunts)

Aren't you that horny guy

who was pretending to be a big bird,

checking out that beautiful mom?

(sinner grunts)

Yes, I am.

Now you're gonna see

what a big horny bird
actually looks like in Hell!

(bird cawing)
(sensual music)

(peeper screams)

(gatekeeper laughing)

(bird grunting)
- No, no, no, no!

(peeper screams)

(gatekeeper laughing)

I deserve this! I deserve this!

(peeper screaming)
(lively music)

(thunder booming)

(metal music)

Knock, knock.

Hey, Jimmy.

What are you doing, Nicky?

I'm just jamming.

- Your father wants to
see you and your brothers

down in the throne room.

He's not retiring today, is he?

- He just wants to talk to
you and Cassius and Adrian

about who's gonna rule Hell
for the next 10,000 years.

Well, what do I need to go for?

He's not gonna pick me.

(Jimmy chuckles)

- I happen to think
you'd make a great devil.

No, I'm not into evil and torture

and all that stuff.

Plus, the Prince of Darkness

should have sort of a
distinguished look to him,

and let's face facts.

I'm no George Clooney.

- You know, you're not a
bad-looking guy, Nicky.

Look at you in that picture.

(gentle music)

Yeah, I used to talk normal, too,

but that was before my brother Cassius

hit me in the face with a shovel.

That's me now, and I accept it.

Well, your brothers are

two of the sickest guys I have ever seen.

For some reason, you're not.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, their mothers were fire dragons

and my mother was a goat,

so how am I gonna compete with that?

Your mother was not a goat.

Your brothers are just playing with you.

- Either way, if one of
those psychos gets picked,

I'm doomed.

- [Cassius] I knew it,
Adrian. He's finally retiring.

- Cassius, I've been waiting
on this day for 10,000 years.

(dart whooshes)
(dramatic music)

(face sighs)

- If the old man picks
me to take over Hell,

I'm gonna keep torture going 24/7.

No breaks.

[Face] Whoa, Mama!

Ooh, you got him right in the eye.

(Cassius and Adrian laughing)

Hey.

[Nicky] Oh.

- [Cassius] How's Daddy's
little girl doing today?

- Oh, I didn't see you
guys over there. What's up?

(Cassius snapping)

- Hey, shovel face,
you wanna mind wrestle?

Actually, nah, I'm all right.

I was thinking of
chilling out by the throne

for a little bit.

[Cassius] I'm gonna mind wrestle you

whether you like it or not.

[Nicky] Well, I have to warn you,

I'm getting pretty good at it.

- [Cassius] Then I guess
I can't make you do this.

[Nicky] Okay. Mercy.

You win. I give.

Game over.

What are you boys doing?

(Nicky groans)

Nothing, Dad.

Just hitting the old punching bags.

Cassius, didn't I tell you

to stay out of your brother's mind?

I forgot.

Maybe this will help you remember.

(Cassius screams)

(gentle music)
(thunder rumbles)

Now, everybody, come sit down.

Hey, Dad.

[Dad] Yes, son?

I know you got a lot on your mind,

but I've almost finished that

Monsters of Metal compilation tape.

I really think it's
turning into a masterpiece.

Okay, kid. We'll listen to it later.

Thanks. Thanks.

Oh, a window.

Hello, Mr. Devil. I like your cape.

(peeper laughs)

(sensual music)
(bird squawks)

(peeper screams)

(peeper groaning)

I deserve this!

Fellas, this, as some of you might know,

is my 10,000th year as Prince of Darkness,

so I think the time has come

to discuss who will succeed me.

Uh, knock, knock.

Yes, Jimmy?

Don't forget.

You're shoving a pineapple
up Hitler's ass at 4:00 p. m.

This was a very difficult decision,

because I have three wonderful sons.

I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.

Wears makeup.

And, Cassius, so strong, so tough.

Don't forget clinically insane.

And, Nicky,

such a sweet boy.

(Nicky chuckles)

But, after much thought
and careful consideration,

I've decided that the ruler
for the next 10,000 years

is going to have to be...

(dramatic music)

Me.

[Adrian & Cassius] What?

Hallelujah.

I mean, that sucks.

- The important thing for
the stability of our rule

is to maintain the balance
between good and evil,

and I don't think any of you

are ready for that responsibility yet.

Dad, this is bullshit!

I don't like that language.

Ahem.

Right, right. Send him in.

Sorry, boys. I have to get back to work.

- [Nicky] Well, it was
good hanging with you, Dad.

I'll check you later.

(foreboding music)

(sensual music)

Uh-uh.

(Hitler grunts)

Mhm.

You're schnerious?

(Hitler screams)

(tense music)

Off, off, off, off, off.

Damn!

20,000 years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said,

"It's better to rule in Hell
than it is to serve in Heaven. "

Well, I'm tired of serving in Hell.

We need somewhere where we can rule.

(demon roars)

(Cassius laughs)

- Bring it on, big man.
Let's see what you got.

(demon whimpers)

(Cassius laughs)

Could you concentrate for five seconds?

I am concentrating, man.

I'm sorry.

After careful consideration,
I must respectfully decline.

I can't stand retirement.

Come on. Just let me win one Super Bowl.

- In exchange for eternal
damnation of your soul?

You're much too nice a guy

for me to want to do
that to you, Mr. Marino.

You did it for Namath.

Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.

This sucks.

I'll just go to the Super
Bowl as an announcer,

and I'll win myself an Emmy!

That's the spirit!

You're a good devil, Dad.

And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

(Nicky chuckles)

What do you think about Earth?

We could create our own hell there.

- Are you saying we can go
up there and kill everyone?

Eventually, Cassius, but, first,

we'd have to corrupt as
many souls as we can,

so that when we do destroy them-

Their damned souls will be ours.

It's our time, brother.

(sinners yelling)
(exciting music)

This is not good. This is not good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fellas, what are you doing?

[Cassius & Adrian] We're leaving.

You can't go through there!

The fire flows in, not out!

(Cassius and Adrian shout)

(ice crackles)

You really suck!

Your Evilness! Your Evilness!

Cassius and Adrian have escaped from Hell.

They went out through the
fire and they froze it.

I tried to stop them, sir,
but they overpowered me.

(gatekeeper sobbing)

Calm down. Get off your knees.

- Thank you for being so
understanding, Your Wickedness.

You're the man. You've
always been the man.

I've always said that.

(gatekeeper gasping)

Are there boobs on my head?

Yeah, big ones.

What's going on, Dad?

I'm going to die, Nicky.

If the gates are broken.
no new souls can get in,

which means I'll start to
deteriorate into nothing.

No. No.

What's with all those hoo-hoo noises?

Everything's fine, Pop.

- Everything's fine? Who
are you bullshitting?

The last time you said
everything was fine,

the Renaissance happened.

Please, Pop. Go back to your room.

Hey, can I take him with me?

Sure, Pop. Whatever you want.

Tit-head, go with my father.

(sinners screaming)

(Jimmy knocking on ice)

- Not a damn soul is
gonna get through that.

This fire is solid as rock.

We gotta get this bad boy burning again.

To do that, Cassius and Adrian

have to come back through the other way.

So go get 'em, Dad.

I'm too weak.

The process has already begun.

(demon whimpers)

So go get 'em, Jimmy!

- I'm just a demon. I don't
have devil blood in me.

I wouldn't last two minutes

with your brothers up there.

Are you saying it's up to me?

[Demon] Huh?

- You said no souls
could get through that.

Nicky, are you a soul

or are you the spawn of Satan?

I never been to Earth, Dad.

I never even slept over at
some other dude's house.

- Nicky, the worst thing
that could happen on Earth

is you get killed, in which case, boom,

you end up back here.

So you're saying I need to go to Earth

and kill my brothers?

- No go. They left together
at the exact same time.

They gotta come back together
at the exact same time.

Here.

Get them to drink from this.

One sip and they'll be trapped inside.

Once you've got both of them,

you bring the flask back through the gate.

Let me, sir.

(flesh squelches)

[Demon] Gross!

Ugh.

He's got less than a week.

(Nicky gasping)

Dad, I don't know if I can do this.

Son,

try your best.

(demon roars)

(Nicky shouts)

(demon grumbles)

(ground rumbling)

(ominous music)

(gentle music)

Earth.

It doesn't look too bad.

(train rattling)

(train horn blares)

(Nicky groans)

You were gone 10 seconds. What happened?

I got hit by this big light

that was attached to a lot of metal.

- That's a train, son. Don't
stand in front of them.

- Well, I'll have to take
a mulligan on this one.

Please, Nicky, get back up there.

All right.

I'll get that for you, sir.

(Nicky groaning)

I'm Nicky.

That's terrific.

Now get off the track and
come with me, handsome.

Okay.

(whimsical music)

- Welcome to Grand Central
Station in New York City.

My name is Beefy.

I'm an old friend of your father's.

He asked me to help you out.

- I just want to find my
brothers and be on my way.

It's not gonna be easy.

Your brothers can possess people,

so they probably won't
look like themselves.

You have to be suspicious of everyone.

All right, bro.

Well, the jig is up, then.

Get in the flask.

Come on. Slide right on in.

It ain't me, moron.

Sorry, I, uh-

- [Beefy] Now, there's
this blind guy outside

you might think is possessed,
but he's just crazy.

[Nicky] Okay.

♪ Hey, yo, uptown, what ♪

- Though I cannot see
with these blind eyes,

I know the good Lord still loves me.

He loves all of his children.

Why, he loves you.

[Beefy] That's him.

And he loves you.

(deacon sniffing)

[Beefy] Here he goes.

You make the Lord very nervous.

All right.

I'm burning now.

Take it easy.

Hellfire is burning me alive!

[Beefy] He's burning.

Burning me!

The beast is alive! He's among us!

(crowd screaming)
Clear the streets!

The Devil is here!

(deacon groans)

(Beefy chuckles)

Making friends already.

- I don't know what
that guy's problem was.

It's freezing up here.

You're in the human world now, kid.

You're gonna feel a lot of new
things you never felt before.

Let's get you some warm
clothes and some hot food.

Yeah.

(upbeat music)
(traffic roaring)

Put it in your mouth.

Now move your teeth up and down.

Up and down.

Good, numb nuts.

Now you gotta swallow it.

Tilt your head back

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.

(Nicky gags)

Easy. Don't choke.

(Nicky gulps)

Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome.

Uh-huh.

Now, eat up. You're
gonna need your energy.

I got energy up the ying-yang.

Let's go save Dad.

Adrian! Cassius!

(Nicky groans)

Oh, boy.

So nice.

(Nicky screams)

(demon growls)

Hey.

Hey.

I like your brassiere.

Oh. Thank you.

- Could you guys maybe not
tell anyone about this?

Yeah. You got it.

Do you mind maybe not
telling anybody about this?

You got it.

(demon grunts)

Look, sidewalk equals safety.

Middle of the road equals death.

From now on, I'm just gonna try to avoid

all moving metal objects.

Great.

Now. your father gave
me some deposit money

for a nice pad on the Upper East Side,

but I misplaced it.

(exciting music)
(crowd shouting)

I'm wasted!

(Beefy groans)

So I found this other joint for you,

but you're gonna have a roommate.

There's only one thing better

than drinking an ice-cold whiskey sour

on a hot Alabama night,

and that's telling the truth.

I know what you think about me, Grandma.

You think I'm worthless.

You think I'm a stumble-bum

who ain't never gonna amount to anything.

Well, old woman, you are wrong!

(knocking on door)

You are wrong.

(knocking on door)

(sighs)

Hello, friend. My name is Nicky.

I understand you are seeking a roommate,

as per your ad in the Village Voice.

Would it be possible
for me to fill the slot?

Don't you wanna know what rent is?

Yes.

What is rent?

It's $1,200, split down the middle.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I
rehearse with my scene partner,

so the living room's gonna be off-limits.

Off-limits.

Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?

No.

It's like 80 degrees in this hallway.

Where are you from, the South?

Yes.

The Deep South.

(Nicky chuckles)

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

- Okay, and sorry, guy,
but no doggies allowed.

(Nicky stammers)

Go on, big day tomorrow,

and don't forget to do that
sleep thing I told you about.

Gotcha.

You're not my brother, are you?

[Roommate] I'm an only child.

Oh.

You love acting.

I love pissing.

(peaceful music)
(traffic distantly roaring)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically growling)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically growling)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically growling)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically roars)

[Roommate] Oh my God!

(bell tolling)
(choir singing in Latin)

In today's gospel, the Lord tells us

how we should live

if we wish to attain
the splendor of Heaven

or something like that.

Jesus this. Moses that.

Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat.

(priest humming)

(pizza sizzles)

Yep, the Lord sure did say

a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity,

but has he ever really done
anything for any of us?

(crowd murmuring)

Has he ever put a Jaguar
XJR in my driveway?

(crowd exclaims)

No.

I love that car.

- Has the Lord given any
of my enemies the herpes?

- The herpes?
(crowd murmurs)

[Cardinal] No.

- The Lord gave my son the
strength to get off drugs.

(crowd cheering)

Ma'am, I know your son,

and, believe me, he was
better off on the drugs.

(crowd exclaims)

At least when he was smoking hashish,

he used to make me laugh occasionally.

(crowd laughs)

After we tried for many years,

the Lord finally helped
my wife conceive a baby.

(crowd cheering)

No, no, no.

Your best friend Fitzie helped
your wife conceive a baby.

He helped her conceive it all night long.

Hey, hey, hey.

(crowd booing)

How about you, Mayor?

Has the Lord ever done anything for you?

Well, you know,

I wish I could think of something,

but, to be honest with you, I can't.

I can't think of a damn
thing he's ever done for me!

Kind of makes you wonder
if there even is a Lord,

if there even is an ultimate punishment

for our so-called sins.

Why don't we all just have fun

and do whatever the hell we want?

Hey, hey!

Let the sin begin!

(crowd cheering)
(lively music)

- [Cassius] "Let the sin
begin. " That was a good one.

[Adrian] This is so much fun!

I never want it to end.

- [Cassius] Why should it
end? Who's gonna stop us?

(Cassius laughs)

(Adrian laughs)

- Come on, there's like 10
million people in this city,

and the clock is ticking.

Well, let's rock and roll, then.

(Nicky grunts)

Get in the flask.

I'm not thirsty!

(Nicky groaning)

Cassius, I gotta show you, ow, ow!

Cassius, get in the flask.

(homeless person yells)

Get in the flask.

Get in the flask.

May I help you?

Get in the flask.

What are you talking about, man?

- I'm talking about an
eight-piece. Let's go.

- Look, it's okay for me
to shit in the street,

but you gotta use a toilet.

Okay.

Nicky, where are you?

Oh, come on.

What's he doing now?

Just get in the flask. I gotta get Adrian.

(bear roars)

(Nicky screams)

(demon moaning)
(lively music)

Gary's so hairy.

(demon giggles)

Tickle, tickle, tickle, ooh!

(demon laughs)

(traffic distantly roaring)

All that chasing and running around

is making me wanna do
the sleep thing again.

Kid, I like your enthusiasm,

but I think we have to work on

narrowing down our list of suspects.

Now, I'm gonna go check in

with some of my contacts uptown.

Yeah.

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically growls)

- Kid's got a lot of evil in
him just begging to come out.

(Nicky demonically growling)
(peaceful music)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically roars)

(animals screeching)

(dogs barking)

(Nicky snores)

(Nicky demonically growls)

(Nicky snores)

I will eat your heart.

(crowd screams)

(Nicky snores)

There's our man.

Well, Mr. Sleepyhead

must have some major
ties to the dark side.

What's with that guy?

- It's gotta be one of his
disciples or something.

(Nicky demonically growls)

My man's into deep nocturnal shit.

[Passerby] Woo!

Yo, man, I think that devil guy

just got ripped off.

Should we wake him up?

Yeah. You do it.

(Nicky demonically growls)

Rise and shine, devil guy.

Some dude just stole your shit.

What? Where?

(Nicky demonically roars)

Which way did he go?

That way.

Thanks.

(exciting music)

Give me back my flask!

Did you check out the dragon mouth?

The Dark Prince is here.

(both grunt)

♪ Running, running,
running through my head ♪

♪ They tell you it was good forever ♪

♪ But I know it's now or never ♪

♪ Running, running,
running through my head ♪

- [Hawker] Check out my stuff.
I got a coat only used twice.

I got a pepper shaker.

I got a silver doodad from Africa.

Hey.

See something you like, my man?

Yes. I would like my flask back.

You calling me a thief, my man?

- I'm calling you the
guy who has my flask.

- How would I have it unless
I was, in fact, a thief?

I don't know.

Now you've gone and done it.

You done messed with my business, bitch.

- I would appreciate it if
you kept your voice down.

(Nicky growls)

Oh, you going all crazy-eyed on me?

I'll show you some crazy eye.

(hawker clicking)

Look at this.

Come on. Let's get busy.

(hawker clicking)

Excuse me, sir.

Who?

Does that flask belong to this man?

- Now you gonna call
me a thief, too? Damn.

- Okay, look, today,
the guy you ripped off

just happened to walk by and bust you,

so why don't you just
give him his flask back?

What are you gonna do if I don't?

Bite me with your snaggletooth?

No, but maybe that policeman over there

might have something to say.

Hmm.

Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy,

and, you, get your raggedy-ass clothes

and find yourself another corner

before I show you what crazy really is.

Fine. I will.

[Hawker] I'm a businessman!

(hawker sputters)

(hawker clicking)

I'll be seeing you in a few years.

(hawker clicking)

(gentle music)

Excuse me.

That was amazing.

I just wanted to thank you.

- Oh, that's okay. I get
messed with all the time.

When I saw him do that
to you, I just lost it.

I hate when people take
advantage of tourists.

What makes you think I'm a tourist?

Oh, your accent, maybe.

Well, where are you from?

The South.

Really?

The Deep South.

(both chuckle)

Why are we laughing?

I don't know, but I was enjoying it.

Your glasses are pretty.

They make your eyes look big and sparkly.

It's fun looking at them.

Oh. My dad's an optometrist.

My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's really tough when
your folks get older.

- I don't know what I would
do if I couldn't save him.

- Well, I'm sure a nice
southern boy like you

will figure something out.

You want some Popeyes?

(chuckles)
- No. I had my lunch already.

[Nicky] Okay.

But I wouldn't mind getting a gelati.

- Could I come with you
to getting a gelati?

If you want to.

(both chuckle)

♪ I wanna do some talking ♪
(romantic music)

[Server] Here you go, pal. Enjoy.

[Valerie] Mm. Thank you.

It's freezing my hands.

Even with those gloves on?

Yeah. It's cold.

Here. Let me wrap it.

Please. Thank you.

Gelati.

That's better. Yeah.

- Better?
- Yeah.

(traffic roaring)

- Why are you taunting
me with your darkness?

Your evil, it's stinking up our streets!

The end is near!

We are all gonna die!

(deacon groans)

(Valerie gasps)

- This town is really
going to hell lately.

- Yeah.
- We will meet again, Lucifer!

So, what part of town do you live in?

I have an apartment. I'm not sure where.

My dog knows though.

You have a dog? What kind?

I don't know.

I'd ask him, but he's
uptown meeting his contacts.

Say "Mr. Beefy. "

Say it. Say it.

Mr. Beefy.

And I love you!

You go to school? What's that like?

Oh, I go to Parsons School of Design.

I knew, growing up, I
wasn't much to look at,

so I concentrate on making
things that are pretty.

You have a nice smell coming off of you.

(Valerie sniffs)

Oh, that's my perfume.

It's called Comptoir Sud Pacifique.

I think that's French for coconuts.

(Nicky sniffing)

(Valerie giggles)

It's better than the gelati.

Valerie. it feels like
there's a bunch of butterflies

flapping around in my stomach right now.

Is that normal?

Sometimes, sure.

Good, 'cause I was concerned.

- Why did they do this to
me? I was good to them.

I can hardly notice. Honest.

(thunder booms)

(sinners groaning)

- I sure hope Nicky's
kicking some ass on Earth

or we are doomed.

- You know, I was the
one who created Hell.

I know that, Your Hatefulness.

- But, actually, the
credit for starting Hell

belongs to my first wife, you know?

She was the inspiration.

(demon laughs)

Hey, Chewbacca, take it easy, will you?

In fact, you look like my first wife.

Only she had more hair.

(group laughs)

- In another startling
announcement from city hall,

Mayor Randolph has, effective immediately,

lowered the legal drinking
age from 21 to 10.

♪ So you wanna be a rock
superstar and live large ♪

- When an adult goes to
Hell, that's terrific.

(child retches)

But when a child goes.

(Adrian laughs)

That's why I'm in this business.

(Valerie and Nicky laughing)

Little Nicky.

[Valerie] Know what's nice about you?

[Nicky] What?

- I like the way you're
happy just being yourself.

You don't try to act cool.

Thanks much, Valerie.

You know what's nice about you?

(magic whooshes)

Your juicy heart-shaped heinie.

What was that?

I don't know why I said that.

I meant to say that

I've always dreamt about
having sex with a gross pig.

(Valerie gasps)

Can I wash my winky in your kitchen sinky?

[Valerie] You're a real jerk!

I didn't mean to be.

What the? Adrian?

(Adrian laughing)

Dad needs you to come back to Hell.

- [Adrian] So he sent old
'Shovel Face' to fetch me.

- [Nicky] I'm not
kidding. He's in trouble.

[Adrian] So are you.

Hey, Valerie!

(lively music)

What is your problem?

I'm sorry!

(Valerie whimpers)

Adrian, you guys froze the fire gate

and now Dad is dying, so get
your booty back home or else!

[Adrian] You can't talk tough, Nicky.

Even the voice inside your
head has a speech impediment.

[Nicky] Adrian, you're gonna go back

because I'm gonna make you go back.

[Adrian] How about this?

I'll stay here,

enjoying my pizza and
my peppermint Schnapps,

and you go back.

Adrian, don't!

Cut the crap! This is serious!

(lively music)

Oh, come on.

(Nicky groans)

(blood splatters)

(both chuckle)

So I was driving to work today.

Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts
me off, so I followed him.

When he got out of his car,

I run up behind this guy,

and I start bashing his
brains in with this bat.

(audience gasps)

Did you ever see "The Untouchables"?

I was De Niro!

What's happened to you, Regis?

[Beefy] Mhm.

The Mayor's office today,

in conjunction with the
New York Board of Tourism,

unveiled its new motto

to replace the long-standing
"I love New York" slogan.

"I love hookers" will now
be the city's catchphrase.

Your brothers are upsetting the balance

between good and evil.

Well, what can I do about it?

- You can't do jack shit unless
you learn your evil powers.

Go get a soda out of the fridge.

But those are my roommate's sodas.

"But those are my roommate's sodas. "

Does that sound like a statement

the son of the Devil would make?

All right. Take it easy.

Nicky, you have the power to change

the cola in that can
into any other liquid.

Engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss.

You just have to release the evil within.

Release the evil?

- I'm just saying there's
wickedness in you.

I can tell from your snores.

Really?

Release your evil.

Release the evil.

(dramatic music)

Come on. You can do it.

There it is.

You got it in you.

(liquid burbling)
(eerie music)

What are you doing?

Hey!

Oh!

All right.

I'm going to pretend

I didn't see a dog on the couch,

because my brain just can't
process that right now,

but were you about to
drink one of my Cokes?

No. I was just looking at it.

It's beautiful.

(can clicks)

(Todd slurps)

(Todd gulps)

This Coke tastes like Pepsi.

You changed a Coke into a Pepsi?

That was your big transformation?

Come on, man. Give it up a little.

I mean, that was pretty
good for my first try.

Do you even care

that your brothers are
killing your father?

Yes, I care, and he is not going to die!

(dramatic music)

(glass clatters)
(electricity crackles)

Attaboy.

- I'm freaked out. My
television just blew up.

You're damn right it did!

I mean, really?

I know this is your living room time,

but could I maybe finish

watching the Globetrotters out here?

It's the craziest game I've ever seen.

(crowd cheering)
(players shouting)

(upbeat music)

(whistle tweeting)

He's walking! Get him a bus!

This is the part I don't get.

- Another terrible call.
(crowd boos)

There's no way that was traveling.

What's up with all the calls?

We haven't lost a game in 53 years!

Guess what, cornrows?

Technical foul! You're outta here!

(referee cackling)

(crowd booing)

Why's the referee being so mean

to the Globetrotters, Daddy?

I've been watching these guys play

since I was your age.

It's all part of the show, baby.

(referee snapping)

That guy in the striped shirt

snapped his fingers like somebody I know!

(referee cackling)

(players grunting)

(mother laughs)

(referee cackles)
(exciting music)

Normally, the Globetrotters represent

family entertainment.

Who gives a shit?

(kids sobbing)

- These kids came here to
see the Globetrotters win!

Ten points off on the Globetrotters

on account of the bigmouth!

(referee cackles)

(crowd booing)

It's all part of the show, baby!

(mother laughs)

Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired.

(buzzer blares)

- If the second half doesn't
get any better than this,

you can expect a full-scale riot.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for

the Globetrotters' half-time
half-court heave-ho throw,

and if the contestant makes it,

everyone here will get a free pizza pie!

- I ain't taking the shot.
These people are crazy.

Excuse me. I'll take that shot.

Okay.

What made you want to come and see

the Globetrotters today, son?

I came for the beer and the bitches.

(foreboding music)

Looks who's back from the dead.

666!

Pickup sticks!

(both chuckle)

- [Announcer] Please
welcome Miguel Sanchez

from the Bronx, New York!

What's Nicky doing there?

Trying to capture his brother in a flask

and preserve the balance
of good and evil on Earth.

Did you just talk?

No.

(foreboding music)

Are you Miguel from the Bronx?

No. I'm Nicky from the South.

Hey, give me that!

(merchant yelling)

- You better win these
people some free pizza,

'cause it looks like

they're about to start killing each other.

All right.

Who's that man, Mommy?

I don't know, but he sure is butt-ugly.

Release the evil.

(dramatic music)

(ball pops)

(crowd gasps)

Too much evil.

I think that ball just blew up,

and, yes, my hair is aflame.

I don't know what the hell that was.

Don't do it again, huh?

All right.

I command you not to blow up
and go into that metal circle.

(Nicky grunts)

(referee shouts)

(crowd gasps)

Hey.

Get that crap outta here!

(crowd shouting)

- [Nicky] I know you're
having fun, Cassius,

but you really gotta come back to Hell.

[Cassius] Look around you, Nicky.

We're in Hell.

The new Hell.

(Cassius laughing)
- Hey, hey, hey.

(crowd shouting)

Do it, do it, do it! Whee!

(Cassius laughing)

[Nicky] I was sent here to take you back

and that's what I'm gonna do.

- [Cassius] Don't make me take
out the shovel again, trick.

- I think we're about
to see a devil showdown.

(both laugh)
- Yeah!

- [Nicky] You know, Dad got
sick when you guys left.

- I'm glad he's dying,
'cause it's my turn now.

You're gonna wish you never said that.

(exciting music)

Take him to the hole, Nicky!

I mean, woof, woof.

[Cassius] Come on, brother! Come on!

Oh, come on!

(Cassius laughing)

Daddy can't help you!
Daddy can't help you!

(Nicky screams)

No!

(popcorn booms)

(drinks boom)

(hair poofs)

(glass clatters)
(dramatic music)

No!

(crowd cheering)

This show gets better every year!

(mother laughs)

That was sick. Who taught you that shit?

Sorry, Cassius.

It must be the super devil
evil juice Dad gave me.

- Super devil juice? Give
me that, little girl.

Don't drink out of it, please!

(Cassius screaming)

- Now, that was some straight-up
David Copperfield shit!

(triumphant music)

[Cassius] Damn you, Nicky!

There ain't no super devil juice in here!

[John] Hail, Nicky!

We are forever your slaves!

(rock music)

♪ Oh no, oh no ♪

So your father's the Devil.

Si, sen r.

- [Todd] You're a
talking dog from Hell.

Yep.

And you guys are who?

Just a couple of big fans of Nicky

and the work his dad does.

Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out.

♪ I don't understand ♪

(record distorts)

What's Ozzy trying to say there?

John, absolutely nothing.

'The Blizzard' always came
straight with his messages,

but wrap your minds
around this, gentlemen.

[Beefy] Oh no.

(Beefy chuckles)

Chicago.

♪ Does anybody really know ♪

I love this song.

♪ Yeah ♪

- [Voice] I command you
in the name of Lucifer

to spread the blood of the innocent.

Oh my God. Chicago kicks ass!

(John and Pete laugh)

That was awesome.

- You know, guys, this
cake tastes a little funny.

- Oh, I dumped a fat sack
of reefer in the mix.

I thought I'd spice up the bash.

Really?

What's reefer?

About 500 bucks an ounce.

(group laughing)

(lively music)

(group continues laughing)

Come on, Nicky. One more time.

I can't. It's starting to hurt.

Come on! You totally got to!

All right, all right. Last time.

[Todd] Oh, here he goes! Here he goes!

(Nicky snarling)
(bones cracking)

That's insane!

How do you do that? How do you do that?

(group laughing)

I used to get messed up like this

with my first girlfriend, Heather.

We'd get so loopy, she
would forget I was a dog.

She was a human?

No. She was a sewer rat.

(group laughing)

Man, that pissed my parents off.

You know, I was in love once,

but she said I wasn't financially reliable

and she needed that.

Now, by "she," do you mean "he"?

No.

Busted!

(group laughing)

Please.

- Hey. how are you feeling
over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?

A little strange.

I can't stop thinking
about this girl, Valerie.

Why? Did she hurt you?

Do you need to cry on my shoulder?

Easy, Liberace.

Oh, would you grow up?

Liberace.

I was having the best day with her

until Adrian made me tell her

she had a heart-shaped heinie.

Maybe you love her, but what do I know?

I can't even see straight.

(group laughing)

Oh, me, too!

Hey, we gotta get going.

- Hey, you guys can
crash here if you want.

I have an extra futon in the bedroom.

Uh, that's a big pass, Elton John.

(group laughs)

Ozzy starts in 30 minutes.

Maybe that'll cheer you up, Nicky.

Yeah. Let's roll.

- Actually, I don't think
I can give the Oz man

the full focus he deserves.

Sorry, fellas.

- Oh. This chick must
be the real deal then.

Later, bro.

Goodbye, John.

[Pete] Good luck, man.

Okay, Pete.

You better snap out of it soon, kid,

'cause we're going after Adrian
tomorrow bright and early.

Night-night.

Yeah, I know.

Get some sleep thing, Mr. Beefy.

(Beefy snores)

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

(Beefy snores)

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- That is the most horrifying
thing I have ever seen.

♪ Mama, Mama, I'm coming home ♪

Go to her.

♪ I'm coming home ♪

(somber music)

All right.

(Nicky sniffs)

I smell coconuts.

♪ I've waited here for you ♪

[Nicky] Coconuts.

♪ Everlong ♪

♪ Tonight, I throw myself ♪

(dance music)
♪ I, I, I need, I need you ♪

Oh. Hello.

That dude looks like a lady.

You wanna come in?

- Actually, I'm looking
for a girl named Valerie.

Valerie Veran?

Two floors up. One window over.

Thanks much.

Good luck with the nipple rubbing.

I don't need luck. I'm good.

I can see that.

Ooh!

(solemn music)

♪ Pardon me while I burst ♪

♪ Pardon me while I burst ♪

[Nicky] Ah!

(Valerie gasps)

Oh my God! Nicky, is that you?

Yes.

Stay right there.

I will.

Hi.

(Valerie whimpers)
(spray hissing)

(Nicky screams)

What were you thinking, coming here?

- I don't know, but it
didn't involve going blind.

(Nicky screams)

Oh my God! Nicky!

Please don't die!

Nicky?

[Nicky] Valerie?

[Valerie] What are you doing?

I think I'm floating.

Why would you be floating?

- Maybe it was because of
this cake I ate earlier.

- Am I supposed to not
be freaked out right now?

Because I am!

I'm freaked out too.

The butterflies in my
stomach are flapping around

in a way I've never felt before.

You got the wrong window again, man.

Oh, sorry, Nipples.

Valerie!
(Nipples moans)

[Valerie] Nicky, over here!

[Nicky] I'm coming!

[Valerie] Oh my God. You made it.

- Valerie, I can see again,
and you look beautiful.

(Valerie grunts)

(Nicky screams)

Look, just because you're floating

doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about

you giving me the finger!

That wasn't me!

I was being possessed
by my brother Adrian!

What do you mean possessed?

- Remember when I told you
that my father was in Hell?

Yes.

Well, that's because he's the Devil,

and he wants to keep his throne

for another 10,000 years,

and that pissed off my brothers,

so they broke the gates of Hell,

which is making my father-

The Devil?

- Decompose, and I love
my father very much,

so I came to Earth to save him.

Now I get that Deep South joke.

[Nicky] Yes!

(Nicky laughs)

I don't know if I should believe you.

- You gotta believe!
Believe in the butterflies!

Wait, okay, okay, okay. I believe.

Come on. Come back up.

(gentle music)

Take my hand, Valerie.

Fly with me.

I can give you the power.

(Valerie gasps)

♪ You're the perfect one ♪

♪ And I don't expect ♪

- [Valerie] That's the
Empire State Building!

There's Popeyes Chicken, right there!

- The hell beast is above us
and I can smell an evil slut!

(bolt squeaks)

Whoa, devil!

[Valerie] Did you do that?

- [Nicky] Nobody calls
my girl an evil slut.

(Valerie giggles)

Good morning, New York.

This is an Action News special report.

A shocking crime results in

a record $50 million reward
for the capture of this man.

His name is unknown, but
his actions have earned him

the label "The Monster. "

He should be considered armed
and extremely dangerous.

The man who caused such a sensation

at the game yesterday is no hero.

He is, in fact, a mass murderer.

This is real bad.

- Where the heck is Nicky?
- In response to

this vicious crime, I
have authorized a reward

to the person who brings this man to me.

[Beefy] It's a setup.

(upbeat music)

Good morning, young lady.

Aha!

That looks like it tastes great.

(Nicky laughs)

Look at that. Mr. Beefy would like you.

Oh, look.

♪ Well, I'm on my way ♪

♪ To the city lights ♪

(shopkeeper speaking in foreign language)

(Nicky speaking in foreign language)

(shopkeepers speaking in foreign language)

(tense rock music)

♪ The hard times back again ♪

♪ Like it's for the first time ♪

(girls screaming)

♪ So when I realize what it takes ♪

♪ Can I relate with whatever ♪

♪ But never will you drive me to hate ♪

(crowd shouting)

(players yelling)

♪ When I'm down in the
street, will I see ♪

(players shouting)

(vocalist indistinctly singing)

♪ When I'm down in the
streets, will I see ♪

(crowd shouting)

(Nicky screams)

(all screaming)

(crowd shouting)

[Nicky] What is happening?

(Nicky panting)

There he is!

(crowd shouting)

I'm not a monster.

I'm not a monster.

(foreboding music)

Release the evil.

(dramatic music)

(insects clattering)

(insects chattering)

(crowd screaming)

Oh.

(insects chattering)

Beefy, I think I'm in trouble.

- The shit has hit the
fan, kid. Take a look.

This videotape will show what he did

after he left the game.

Say hello to my little friend.

(gunshots banging)
(crowd screams)

My name is Nicky,

and I'm gonna kill all
you suckers for no reason.

- That's not me! That's
that cockroach Tony Montana!

(explosion booms)

It's difficult to watch. I know.

This is Adrian's work!

- He superimposed your
head onto "Scarface. "

- Which is probably De
Palma's third best film.

(knocks on door)
(Nicky gasps)

Oh.

I'm not Nicky!

[Pete] Dude, it's us. Let us in.

[Nicky] John, Pete!

Nicky.

There's a total mob scene coming this way.

- It looks like they're following
a giant trail of bug shit.

What do we do now, Beefy?

- I don't know. This is a
little out of my league.

What would your dad do, Nicky?

That's a great idea.

I'll ask him. Kill me.

Are you serious?

- Yes. We'll meet at Grand
Central Station, noon.

Now, I command you! Do me!

All right!

(group screams)

Ow!

That just hurt a lot.

Still alive, though.

I've always wanted to kill someone.

Can I give it a try?

(Todd sobbing)
(dramatic music)

Damn you, Kevin Spacey!

You take all my parts!

(Todd sobs)

Hey, you lose. Royal flush.

Off with the brassiere.

The last time I saw a
pair of jugs that big,

two hillbillies were blowing on them.

(demon laughs)

(Dad grunting)

Oh my God, Dad.

Nicky.

I got no legs.

I got no hips.

I got one ear.

I got no ears.

- Now he has no ears.
Are you happy, Nicky?

- Adrian's got the
whole city following me.

I can't hear you, Nicky!

Check, one, two. Check, one, two.

Put it back on my head!

- Hey. by the looks of him,
you got 'til midnight tonight.

Now, you get your ass back up there,

and you save your father.

Go!

I'm gonna save you, Dad.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm gonna save you!

Go, then!
(Dad wailing)

Move it! Go, Nicky, go!

(exciting rock music)

You sure you're down with this?

A little nervous. I wanna puke.

- Hey. hey. fuzz. We
know where to find Nicky.

Hey, hey, hey!

(officers chattering)

[Officer] Let's go.

Hey.

What's up, police chief?

You have what I want?

You got what we want?

[Pete] 50 million bones, bro.

[Officer] Here's the money.

- Oh my God!
- That's half of it.

You get the rest when I get Nicky.

[John] Thanks much.

- But I gotta warn you.
man. He's kinda not human.

Really?

He might be the son of Satan.

(all laughing)

Hey!

(John and Pete groaning)

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to be

extra careful then, aren't I?

Now, where is he?

- Hey. come on.
- Come on.

Do it again!
- That was cool!

Do it again!

- Come on!
- Do it again!

(intense rock music)

Out of the way!

(passerby grunts)

Where is he? He's late.

He'll be here. Just keep your skirt on.

[Pete] That's where he comes out of.

[Officer] Over there!

Hey!

We've been ratted out.

We thought the son of Satan

would understand a move like this.

[Chief] Get these two out of here.

[Officer] All right. This way.

Okay, okay!

- What is this? A bulldog
and his gay lover?

Oh, shut up.

(John laughs)
- It's true. It's true.

Judas.

Judas Priest, maybe.

(John and Pete chuckle)

Okay, look. I'm only an actor.

I don't know what's happening here.

- Take him to the holding
area. Seal off all the exits.

[Todd] I'm only an actor!

Whoa.

(chief chuckles)

You wanna see something cool?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

(ominous music)

(chief clears throat)

(chief groans)

(Pete and John chuckle)

Pick me a winner.

(Pete and John laugh)

Oh, sick!

Oh my God! That was awesome!

(Pete and John laughing)

- So, what time is my
brother expected back?

Noon.

Ish.

- Hey, even though you're
not really the chief,

we still get the rest
of the cash, right, bro?

You know what you'll get, boys?

An indescribably horrific torture

administered by demons
for the rest of eternity.

And we get to keep the cash too, right?

Sure.

Why not?

You're hurting me. You're hurting me.

[Officer] Shut up.

(ominous music)
(clock ticking)

[Passerby] Applesauce every time.

Hey, boys!

You want a blizzard with my flip-flop?

- No thanks, but we'll
take that bottle of booze.

(John chuckles)

Beat it, you freak. Get outta here.

- [Passerby] I'll be back!
I'll be back with my flip-flop!

[John] Mm. Schnapps.

[Pete] Yeah.

Peppermint.

All right!
(John chuckles)

[John] Want a hit?

Drink up. Here's to 50 million clams.

To the defilement of Earth

and the corruption of its people.

Okay, whatever. Just drink it.

Cheers.

(foreboding music)

(Pete gulps)

It's awfully hot down here.

How do you manage to stay so cool?

- Oh, uh, beer lowers
the body temperature.

I read that in a beer magazine.

(Adrian chuckles)

This liquid will probably
quench my thirst.

Cool me off.

Definitely.

[John] And give you a pretty good buzz.

- Or maybe it will trap me
inside for all of eternity.

Um, no, it won't?

Oh, Nicky.

I've missed you.

Come out and say hello!

I'm not Nicky.

I'm calling you out, brother!

(John groaning)

Adrian, this is very painful.

(John groaning)
(Adrian laughs)

(John groaning)

Ah!

There you are.

I told you he was sick.

Oh, hello, Cassius.

[Cassius] All right, Adrian! Let me out!

You know, new Hell

really only needs one new Satan.

[Cassius] You mother-

But Cassius could use some company

for the rest of eternity,
so get in the flask.

Kick his ass, Nicky.

Sleep.

You got it.

(Pete snores)

(tense music)
(officers chattering)

(Beefy whispering)

- Hey, hold up. Someone's
gotta take a pee.

(Beefy grunts)

(smoke hisses)

[Officer] That dog's got smoke balls!

Run, Beefy! Run!

You can't make me drink, Adrian.

Of course I can.

(Valerie gasps)

(Valerie screams)

Oh, it's Nicky's little ragamuffin.

(Valerie whimpers)

Drink or she dies.

Unlike you, she won't come
back from where she's going.

(Beefy panting)
(tense music)

- Let go of her! This
is between you and me!

(train horn blares)

I hear a train a-coming.

(dramatic music)

Adrian, stop!

Drink!

All right, I'll drink. Don't hurt her.

(dramatic music)

Don't do it, Nicky!

I have to, Valerie.

(dramatic music)

(train horn blares)
(train clattering)

(Valerie whimpers)

(Beefy panting)
(dramatic music)

(Beefy groans)

(Adrian screams)

Now, that hurt the both of us.

(Valerie groans)

Ah! No!

(Valerie screams)
(Adrian growls)

(train brakes hiss)

Valerie!

(Adrian laughing)

(Valerie screams)

See you in Hell!

No!

(Nicky screams)

- Hey, look at the bright
side. You can go for a swim,

you can play the harmonica,
and you can choke someone.

Take me to my room. I wanna be alone!

- In your weakened condition,
if you vacate the throne,

any of your sons

can claim the seat of power for their own.

(Dad groans)

Horseshit.

Hey, good news. Adrian's back.

So I'm gonna be all right?

Hello.

Where's Nicky?

He came with you and Cassius, right?

I came through that gate alone.

Sorry, sir. False alarm.

Boo.

Would everyone stop playing with me

and tell me what my brother's up to?

(upbeat music)
(birds chirping)

Hey.

Hey.

What is this?
♪ I feel like a newborn ♪

♪ And I feel like a newborn ♪

[Nicky] Is it Dad's birthday?

♪ So real ♪

(chimes tinkling)
(gentle music)

(angels gasp)

- There he is!
- Hi!

Oh, I can't believe you're here!

Welcome.

Up with the sign.
- Okay.

- Can I just tell you I
am so excited right now?

- So excited.
- She really is.

- If you could point me
to the Black Palace now,

I really gotta check in with my dad.

Aw.

(angels giggle)

Okay. Can I ask you something?

What do you know about your mom?

My mom?

My brothers tell me that
she was a mountain goat,

which would explain my chronic halitosis.

A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

Jenna, chair.

Thanks.

My mother wasn't a goat?

Try an angel.

An angel?

I'm your mom.

(dramatic music)

- If you're my mom. then
how come you're not older?

Angels don't get any older, son.

I can't believe you just called him son.

This is so wild!

(angels screaming)

(knocking on door)

- Jenna, Christa, time
for your mambo lesson.

Chubbs, I'm so sorry. I totally spaced.

I have company. This is my son Nicky.

Hi.

Hi.

Chubbs used to be a golf pro,

but, up here, he's just the
dopest dance instructor.

Ah, that's nice.

You mambo?

I don't think so.

It's all in the hips.

It's all in the hips.

Bye, Chubbs.

- Bye.
- All in the hips, yeah!

- Nobody in this room will
tell you a thing, Adrian.

Right!

(gatekeeper yelps)

Hey! Let him go!

- Perhaps a titty twister
will loosen your lips.

No, no!

(gatekeeper screams)

Ooh, hey, I'm getting turned on.

Okay, okay, all I know-

[Adrian] Yes?

is that if you sit on that throne,

in your father's weakened condition-

Tit-head, no!

- You can claim the seat
of power for your own!

Whoa! Ah!

(gatekeeper screams)

Really?

As the founder of Hell,

I command you to stay off that throne!

Hey!

Even in Hell, I get no respect.

[Dad] Put me down! Put me down!

No!

(Dad groans)

(rock music)

♪ Now this is what it's like ♪

♪ Now who's the light
and who is the devil ♪

♪ You can't decide, so
I'll be your guide ♪

♪ I'm gonna be the one
that's taking over ♪

♪ Now, this is what it's
like when worlds collide ♪

♪ Until you're back here, baby ♪

(angels giggle)

So, where did you meet Dad?

Oh, it was a long time ago
at this Heaven-Hell mixer.

- I remember that night.
You had like four daiquiris.

At first, I didn't really like him.

He was really conceited.

Yeah, but he was funny,

and I hate to admit it, but
he had a really hot body.

(angels giggle)
(dog barking)

Oh, puppy phone.

It's so cute.

Hello?

Hi, Michelle. Yeah, he's here right now.

I don't know if he's hot.
He's my son, you perv.

Can I call you back?

(phone barks)

That was my friend Michelle. She says hi.

Say hi back.

(phone barks)

I'll just call her later.

You know, Nicky,

we totally saw you save
your girlfriend's life.

That was so cool.

- Yeah, that's why you came
to Heaven instead of Hell.

Self-sacrifice
automatically gets you here.

How did you see me?

- We can see anything that's
going on on Earth. Look.

Someone else is taking the internship.

- [Holly] Oh, that's
'Felicity. ' I love that show.

Do you watch?

- I haven't seen it,
but I hear good things.

I don't want to go to Colorado.

(dramatic music)

This is an Action News special report.

Moments ago, a large chunk
of what appears to be Hell

began to rise from beneath Central Park.

Far from being terrified,

many New Yorkers have
begun flocking to the site,

turning it into an
unofficial party central.

And this just in.

I'm cheating on my husband
with the weatherman.

Show him Central Park.

I love your legs.

(tense music)
(crowd screaming)

(demon laughs)

(thunder rumbling)

(Adrian laughing)

That's my father's throne!

Is Dad okay?

Let's see.

I was a good devil, wasn't I?

You were the best devil, sir!

- Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
- The best devil!

- If we fall in there,
we will die. Period.

- [Pete] My underwear is so
far up my ass, I can taste it.

I hear that.

(Valerie grunts)

Welcome to the party!

(crowd cheers)

It's so nice to see you all here.

I'm so proud of you.

You've taken to sin with
such minimal prompting.

(crowd cheering)

You're acting as if there
is no Heaven or Hell.

(crowd cheering)

Well, I've got news for you.

There is most definitely a Hell.

[Crowd] What?

- And you're all going
to go there when you die,

which is in about 15 minutes.

Holy shit! We really are gonna die!

(crowd screaming)
(tense music)

[Deacon] I'm really burning now!

What are we gonna do?

I gotta help her.

I gotta help Dad.

I gotta help everybody.

At the stroke of midnight,

my father will be completely deteriorated,

and all your souls will be mine.

Soon, you will see things

more horrible than you can even imagine.

(Nipples moans)
(dance music)

Well, maybe not that horrible,
but still pretty bad.

(Nipples moaning)

So, while we wait, for your enjoyment,

I bring you a dear, sweet
man, Mr. Henry Winkler.

(crowd cheering)

Good evening.

Covered in bees!

(bees buzzing)
(Henry screaming)

(crowd groans)

Ew!

How can I win?

Adrian is stronger and smarter than me.

Stronger, yes, smarter, definitely,

but you have something
that he doesn't have.

A speech impediment?

No!

The inner light, honey,
and you can totally use it.

It's the best power of all.

I do?

- And God told me, if you
get in really bad trouble,

you can use this.

(gentle music)

What is it?

Okay, I'm not totally 100%' on that,

but God said, when the time came,

you'd know what to do with it.

God's so smart.

Like 'Jeopardy' smart.

(Holly sighs)

My little boy.

Mommy, get me to the Big Apple,

'cause I'm gonna rock that
town like a hurricane.

You're already there.

Bye, Nicky.

[Nicky] Bye, Mom.

Bye.

[Nicky] Bye, guys.

Bye.

(foreboding music)

(demons shouting)

(demons yell)

Release the good.

(rainbow shimmers)

(demons sighing)

(demons yelling)

Release the good.

(rainbow shimmers)

Yes. They're furry.

[Demon] Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

(demons yell)

Release the awesome.

(rainbow shimmers)

(demons murmuring)

What you do is put it in your mouth

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.

(flesh squelches)

Not you! Not you!

(demon shimmers)

Popeyes Chicken is the shizzney!

(demons laughing)

♪ Here I am ♪
(rock music)

♪ Rock you like a hurricane ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

(Adrian laughing)
(crowd murmuring)

- You know, from this
angle, you're kind of cute.

[Valerie] You think so?

(Valerie spits)

(Adrian gulps)

Oh my God.

He just opened his mouth
and swallowed that spit.

Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul?

(John, Beefy, and Pete laugh)

(Adrian sniffing)
(ominous music)

(butterfly fluttering)

[Nicky] Excuse me. Pardon me.

(triumphant music)

Little Nicky.

- Yeah, Nicky!
- Nicky!

I knew you would make it!

Adrian, I'm asking you nicely.

Let my friends alone and get in the flask.

Is this a joke?

No, it's the inner light,

and, with it, we can
defeat whatever you got.

It's true!

(laser whooshes)

(demon yelps)

(flesh squelches)

It's not true!

(demons scream)
(chicken clucking)

[Adrian] Run, traitors! Run!

Okay, Adrian. You've left me no choice.

(Nicky whooshes)

- Whoa!
- Whoa.

(crowd cheering)
(dramatic music)

(Adrian tutting)

(tense rock music)
(demons muttering)

Leave this to me.

Let's see what you've got.

Okay.

(rainbow shimmers)

(crowd gasps)

(beam whooshes)

(snake hisses)

(crowd groans)

(Adrian laughs)

(rainbow shimmers)

(crowd gasps)

(beam whooshes)

(lawnmower whirring)

(gardener laughs)

(rainbows shimmer)

(gentle music)

[Crowd] Aw!

Aw.

(beam whooshes)

(tense music)
(man cackles)

(Adrian laughs)
(mother groans)

(mother screams)

- Hey.
(rainbow shimmers)

(crowd sighs)
(gentle music)

Enough!

(couple screams)
(tense rock music)

I'm going to kill you with my bare hands.

I'm ready for you.

(Adrian grunts)
(crowd gasps)

I guess I wasn't ready.

(Nicky groaning)

(Nicky screams)
(dramatic music)

(gentle music)

I totally had to do that.

- Yes!
- Hell, yeah, you did.

- Good job!
- That's great!

Thanks, Mom!

(Adrian shouts)

(Adrian screams)

(Adrian groans)

Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely.

Get in the fla-

(Adrian grunts)

Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight, do you?

Well, let's let the feathers fly.

(crowd cheers)

Come on, now.

(Adrian groaning)

Come on.

I'm right here.

Where am I going with it, baby? Here I am.

(Nicky muttering)

(Nicky grunts)

I'm sleeping.

(Nick snores)

Or am I?

(Adrian groans)
(crowd cheers)

Thanks, Mr. Winkler.

Now, I'm asking you one last time.

Get in the flask.

A little help here, please.

(Nicky gasps)
(tense music)

Please!

Don't do this! No!

(Nicky whining)

Good-bye, Nicky. Ah.

Ah!

(Nicky screaming)

No! Whoa!

[Nicky] Ow!

[Cassius] Nice to see you, brothers.

Now I'm gonna bust both
of your heads wide open!

[Adrian] No, no!

(thudding)
(Adrian groaning)

Come on!

Get 'em, Nicky!

Come on, Nicky!

You can do it, Nicky!

(Nicky groans)

Kick him in his hairy balls!

[Nicky] Good idea.

(Cassius groans)

(crowd cheers)
(angels squeal)

One down, one to go, Adrian.

- [Adrian] You've asked for
this. Time for the shovel!

[Nicky] Bring it on!

(Nicky grunting)

Kill him, Adrian!

[John] Shut up!

Get him, Nicky!

[Adrian] Let go of me!

(crowd gasps)

(thudding)
(Nicky and Adrian groaning)

(gentle music)

(angels indistinctly praying)

(Nicky groaning)

[Valerie] Nicky!

(triumphant music)
(crowd cheering)

Oh, yeah!

Woohoo!

Nicky!

Yeah!

How did a nice Southern boy like you

learn to fight like that?

- I guess from my father's
side of the family.

(Valerie giggling)

(tender music)

[Crowd] Aw.

(Valerie groans)

Uh-oh.

[Adrian] What? No tongue?

(Valerie screams)
(Adrian groans)

(bat squeaking)
(tense music)

Catch me if you can!

[Pete] That is wicked!

(Adrian cackling)

Woo!
(crowd screams)

Not long now!

Woo. You gotta fly out.

[Adrian] Soon, it will all be mine!

Nicky! I know you can do it!

[Adrian] Run, run!

Do it for the butterflies!

[Nicky] Butterflies?

(butterflies shimmer)
(Nicky groans)

Oh, the power of good lets you fly out?

Well, you're too late, Nicky!

Behold your new Satan!

(orb shimmers)

What's that? What's with the ball?

(Adrian gasps)

(Ozzy Osbourne laughs)

Ozzy?

Holy shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- You can do it, Ozzy!
Bite his fricking head off!

[Adrian] No!

(crowd cheers)

Spit him in the flask!

[Valerie] Here you go, Ozzy.

(Adrian screaming)

(crowd cheering)

Grand Central, Nicky!

[Todd] Start running!

You'll never make it.

You've gotta die.

I'll just go to Heaven.

- Not if you do something
bad right before you die.

You're right.

Hey, Nicky! Cover Winkler in bees!

You can do it!

Sorry, Henry.

(Henry screaming)
(bees buzzing)

Okay, do me!

With what?

I don't know! I don't know!

Here. Kill him with this.

(Ozzy chuckles)
(Valerie grunts)

I'll never forget you, guys.

And we will never forget you, my friend.

(Todd sobbing)

(Beefy sobbing)

Valerie?

(Valerie grunts)

I love you.

And I love you, Nicky.

(Nicky groans)
(dramatic music)

(fire roars)

[Nicky] I got 'em, Dad! I did it!

I did it, Daddy!

(Dad moaning)

Unholiness, you're back!

Woohoo!

You look great!

♪ It's all in the hips, hey ♪

♪ It's all in the hips ♪

(Jimmy laughs)

Dad! Dad!

You're all right!

You came through, Nicky.

I came through for you, Dad,

and I came through for
Mom and the butterflies.

You're back in Hell now, kid.

There are no butterflies here.

If you want butterflies,
you need to be on Earth.

- What about you and Grandpa
and everybody in Hell?

- Nicky, I let my butterflies
die once upon a time,

and it's never stopped hurting.

That's right! You heard me, Holly!

What?

I'm still in love with you!

Oh my God. He's talking about me.

And don't think I forgot about

how crazy you get after a few daiquiris.

(Dad moans)

(Holly sighs)

That guy is still the biggest horndog.

Yeah, he is.

Listen, I got down low.

Your mom's got up high.

You take care of the middle.

Okay, Dad, but,

in the words of Motley Crue,

this will always be my home sweet home.

Don't be afraid to show your face.

You're such a handsome boy.

(Dad and Nicky chuckle)

I hate to interrupt, but, uh,

it's time for Hitler's punishment.

[Lucifer] I'll take that.

[Adrian] Maybe they're gonna let us out.

Grandpa!

Okay, kids, enjoy your new home!

- [Cassius & Adrian] No,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Hitler farts and screams)

Holy shnit!

(Hitler screams)

(upbeat rock music)

(Valerie giggles)

♪ Living easy ♪

Such a little angel.

Only a quarter, ma'am.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

(baby roars)
(lady gasps)

(lady screams)

[Nicky] Sorry!

♪ Taking everything in my stride ♪

♪ Don't need reason ♪

♪ Don't need rhyme ♪

♪ Ain't nothing I'd rather do ♪

♪ Going down, party time ♪

♪ My friends are gonna be there too ♪

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell ♪

♪ On the highway to Hell ♪

♪ Highway to Hell ♪

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell ♪

♪ No stop signs or speed limit ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna slow me down ♪

♪ Like a wheel, gonna spin it ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna mess me around ♪

♪ Hey, Satan, paid my dues ♪

♪ Playing in a rockin' band ♪

♪ Hey, Mama, look at me ♪

♪ I'm on my way to the promised land ♪

♪ Whoa, I'm on the highway to Hell ♪

♪ Highway to Hell ♪

♪ I'm on the highway to Hell ♪

♪ Highway to Hell ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ooh ♪

(Pete and John laughing)

(tense rock music)

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Rounding those suckers ♪

♪ Knock 'em, knock 'em out the box ♪

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Rounding those suckers ♪

♪ Knock 'em, knock 'em out the box ♪

♪ Since back in the days ♪

♪ All up in this ♪

♪ The year 2G's come again ♪

♪ Graduated 13, the
streets made me a scholar ♪

♪ Flood the microphone, one
by one, hear 'em holler ♪

♪ The sure shoots, rock box,
rhyming on blasted beats ♪

♪ Mic's on my side ♪

♪ They call me Hip-Hopalong Cassidy ♪

♪ Rapping catastrophe,
but only time will tell ♪

♪ Could we excel and rock bells like LL ♪

♪ Made me feel I was ill, music euphoria ♪

♪ Went to the doctor, the
D.O.C. gave me the formula ♪

♪ Hey, young world, the world is yours ♪

♪ Turned my whole wide
world into metaphors ♪

♪ You kept me straight
when times got hard ♪

♪ So let me reminisce over you, my God ♪

♪ Old school ♪

♪ Bring it back ♪

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Rounding those suckers ♪

♪ Knock 'em, knock 'em out the box ♪

♪ We're from the school.
the school of hard knocks ♪

♪ Who's ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock, ready to rock ♪

♪ Rounding those suckers ♪

♪ Knock 'em, knock 'em out the box ♪

♪ Shh ♪

(intense rock music)

♪ Yeah, bringing you another
disturbing creation ♪

♪ From the mind of one sick animal ♪

♪ Who can't tell the
difference and gets stupefied ♪

♪ I've been waiting my whole
life for just one fuck ♪

♪ And all I needed was just one fuck ♪

♪ How can you say that
you don't give a fuck ♪

♪ I find myself stupefied.
coming back again ♪

♪ All I wanted was just one fuck ♪

♪ One tiny, little, innocent fuck ♪

♪ And when I feel like
I'm shit out of luck ♪

♪ I find myself stupefied.
coming back again ♪

♪ Why do you like playing around with ♪

♪ My narrow scope of reality ♪

♪ I can feel it all start slipping ♪

♪ I think I'm breaking down ♪

♪ Why do you like playing around with ♪

♪ My narrow scope of reality ♪

♪ I can feel it all start slipping away ♪

♪ See, but I don't get it ♪

♪ Don't you think maybe we
could put it on credit ♪

♪ Don't you think it can take control ♪

♪ When I don't let it, I get stupefied ♪

♪ It's all the same,
you say live with it ♪

♪ But I don't get it ♪

♪ Don't you think maybe we
could put it on credit ♪

♪ Don't you think it can take control ♪

♪ When I don't let it, I get stupefied ♪

♪ I get stupefied ♪

♪ And don't deny me ♪

♪ No, baby, now don't deny me ♪

♪ And, darling, don't be afraid ♪

♪ But I don't get it ♪

♪ Don't you think maybe we
could put it on credit ♪

♪ Don't you think it can take control ♪

♪ When I don't let it, I get stupefied ♪

♪ Look in my face, stare in my soul ♪

♪ I begin to stupefy ♪

♪ Look in my face, stare in my soul ♪

♪ I begin to stupefy ♪

♪ Look in my face, step in my soul ♪

♪ Look in my face, step in my soul ♪

♪ Look in my face, step in my soul ♪

♪ Look in my face, step in my soul ♪

♪ Look in my face ♪

♪ Look in my face ♪

♪ Look in my face ♪

♪ I begin to stupefy ♪

(solemn rock music)

♪ I've watched you change ♪

♪ Into a fly ♪

♪ I looked away ♪

♪ You were on fire ♪

♪ I watched a change ♪

♪ In you ♪

♪ It's like you never had wings ♪

♪ Now you feel ♪

♪ So alive ♪

♪ I've watched you change ♪

♪ It's like you never had wings ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

(tense rock music)

(exciting rock music)

♪ I taught you how to stand ♪

♪ When the worms are talking loud ♪

♪ Sobbing bulls lay down and scream ♪

♪ Doesn't mean that I'm breaking my vows ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Always ignored ♪

♪ Thought after all that I'd be rich ♪

♪ I must say I've never been to meditate ♪

♪ That is something that I won't need ♪

♪ You're telling me that I hesitate ♪

♪ What for ♪

♪ Being bored ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Always ignored ♪

(exciting rock music)