Original subtitles

Dude, hover much?

Feds.

Welp, just got a little itch on my neck here, and... Psyche!

It's ball bearings! [laughs cunningly]

[barks]

Whoa!

Huh?

[grunts]

- [growls] - [dog barking]

[yelps]

[grunts]

[helicopter hovering]

You coppers got nothing on me!

That scorpion farm was in my locker when I found it.

And I'm not saying nothing.

Unless you've got someone specific

you want me to snitch on, in which case, let's talk.

I'll take it from here, boys.

[gasping] Kennedy?

You're working with the Feds? How could you?

I've only got one question for you, Becker Denoga.

Will you go to the Totally '80s to the Max Dance with me?

Huh?

- Oh, heck yeah! - [cheers and applause]

- [barks] - [cheering continues]

Dance proposals. They get crazier every year, am I right?

How should I know? This is the first year I've witnessed any of this nonsense.

What are you going to do for Scott?

Asking Scott to the dance is the easiest part of my plan

because I don't have to.

We go every year as friends.

The hard part is going to be--

Finally telling Scott you like him,

which you vowed to do on this notarized document?

Yes, that part!

You just carry that thing around?

Sheesh. Who are you? The narrator?

[Scott] Hey, Hails.

We going to the dance this weekend?

Was the lighter invented before the match?

I got to stop doing that with obscure facts.

The answer is "yes"! Let's go to the dance.

Sweet! And speaking of the dance,

I've got something special in mind for when we get on the dance floor.

I'm gonna do a sick backflip, and you can watch!

I found a guy on MeTube who practiced every day for a year.

And in the end, he kind of did it.

-"Kind of"? So, he didn't actually-- - [shouting] Backflip!

[grunts]

So close!

- Not really. - Still sharp as a marble.

[Kristine over megaphone] Attention, everyone!

Voting is now open for this year's dance Royal Couple!

And I have a megaphone!

- [squeals] - [glass cracks]

[car windows shattering]

[car alarm honking distantly]

And as Associate Chairman of the Dance Committee--

A made-up title I gave you because you wouldn't stop crying

after your dance theme wasn't chosen.

For the record, "None Like it Hot,

colon, A Salute to Ceiling Fans,"

is a way better theme than "The '80s."

Yawn and gag. [clears throat]

In any case, at this year's dance,

I have assigned myself the vital role

of Merriment Mitigation.

So, the Fun Police?

[A.C.] Wrong again, Hailey Banks.

I will be monitoring the premises

to ensure couples stay at least a foot apart during slow dances,

and inspecting the punch, to make sure the sugar level does not exceed 15%.

A general policing of the fun level, if you will.

So, the Fun Police.

Yes, exactly. At the dance,

everyone should be having no more fun than this guy.

Well, I'm not even gonna get to go to the dance.

All 30 girls I asked weren't lucky enough to say "yes."

My proposal's even starting to wear off.

[Genesis scoffs]

Dance proposals are so 2000 and late.

Genesis, isn't saying "2000 and late" a little "2000 and late"?

No. Look, guys, my older sister,

you know, the one in college studying... Communications?

[all gasp and murmur]

She told me about the hottest new compatibility app,

called "SnackMatch."

-"SnackMatch"? - Exactly.

You just answer a series of random questions,

and it gives you your "Food Personality,"

which you can match with others on a crazy, deep level.

Try it.

Hissing possum? Yep, keep.

Homework? Ugh! Toss.

Possum eating homework? Now that is a keep.

The algorithm is, like, never wrong.

[phone voice] Your Food Personality is... [pings] peanut butter.

- [phone chiming] - I don't get it.

Does this mean I'm supposed to bring peanut butter to the dance?

Duh, no. You are peanut butter,

and you can match with anyone whose food pairs with yours.

[phone voice] SnackMatch found.

[gasps]

[phone voice] You are jelly.

- [chimes] - [crunch]

Third Becky?

[in a voice similar to Chainsaw's] Sure, I'll go to the dance with you, Chainsaw.

Sweet! By the way, you have the most lovely voice.

[in a voice similar to Chainsaw's] You, too!

[both laughing whimsically]

[laughter continues]

Aw!

That is so... weird.

See? Never wrong.

- [phone pings] - We'll see about that.

- [phone chimes] - I'm... spaghetti.

- And I'm... - [phone chimes]

...meatballs.

Wait, yum!

[phone voice] Mega SnackMatch detected.

This takes so much pressure off the dance proposal.

Guys, you're off the hook!

[all groaning] Aw.

[phones pinging]

Don't tell me you're getting caught up in this SnackTrash, too.

Of course not, Beta.

It's made by the Dingles Worldwide Snacks and Tires Corp.

Only an idiot would be into this.

Guys, I am super into this new app!

Do you know it's made by the parent company of Dingles?

Hailey, have you taken the quiz yet?

- I was just saying I'm about to! - [school bell rings]

[high-pitched and low-pitched pings]

What? If anything,

the quiz will prove that I'm super compatible with Scott,

and it'll make it easier for me to tell him how I feel.

It's technology doing the work for me.

Technology has been doing the work for you for a long time now!

- [phone pings] - [Beta] Oh, real mature.

- [phones pinging] - Yes, I like buffets!

Easiest quiz ever!

Hello, students.

It's time to once again study the history of the prestigious Crab Queen crown,

which I won only 25 short years ago.

- [phones pinging] - Okay, what's going on?

This is when one of you usually makes a piercing comment,

like, "I didn't know we were studying Ancient History,"

which I would then spend the weekend analyzing with Dr. Fisher.

I'm sorry, Miss Jackson.

- [phone chimes] - Ooh! I am oatmeal!

-"SnackMatch"? - [phone pings]

It's a compatibility quiz for young people

who still have a chance to find their true soulmate.

You wouldn't get it.

Well, Veronica, you can really dig into that one with Dr. Fisher.

Anyway, I doubt a silly quiz

could really help someone find their soulmate.

Also, is "SnackMatch" one word or two?

- Last question. - Me, too!

- [pings and music plays] - Looks like my Food Personality is...

- [chiming] - ...lobster!

- [phone chimes] - And I'm cookies!

Sweet! I love cookies!

- [♪ app music playing] - [crunches and retches]

[Genesis] Lobster and cookies?

[retches] Gag. Good thing you guys aren't a thing,

'cause those are, like, the least compatible food personalities.

Honestly, I'm surprised you two are even friends.

Huh?

[multiple high-pitched and low-pitched pings]

- [phone chimes] - Um, are we going to learn today?

[Scott grunting]

[whooping loudly]

SnackMatch says Scott and I are completely incompatible.

Can this be right?

I wouldn't worry about it.

Take it from a computer, Hailey.

Humans are way more complex than a simple algorithm.

[continuous thudding]

I'm going for the high score!

Maybe not all humans.

[Destiny] I cannot believe you, Tommy D!

You're willing to throw away

a three-and-a-half week relationship over an app?

Are you serious right now?

Serious as a split end!

Look, babe, I'm tortilla chips and you're milk,

which are both legit, just not exactly sick and tight.

Who knows if a side of guac is out there somewhere?

[scoffs] Then go find somewhere else to dip your chip!

- [thudding] - [phone voice] Mega SnackMatch detected!

[yelps, thuds and grunts]

- Cookies? - Milk?

[crunch]

We're, like, mega compatible.

[phone voice] That's what I just said!

Is this app listening in on us?

- [phone voice] Nope! - Oh, okay.

Hey, you're Destiny, from the League of Extraordinary Hair, right?

And you're Scott!

[giggling] Yeah, I remember you!

You know, I always thought your hair had the best bounce.

That is a low blow, lady bro!

- [burger splatters] - You're a big, bouncy boy, Tommy D.

OMG, did we hear that you two are "cookies and milk"?

You're the only other Mega SnackMatch we've met!

- Do you want to share a limo to the dance? - Yeah. Actually,

he is going to dance with me.

Lobster.

We go to every dance together.

As friends.

Lobster and cookies?

Ew!

Okay, well... Bye.

We didn't want to share your limo anyway!

And SnackMatch is just a silly app.

Nobody really cares what it says!

[Kristine] The votes are in! And since everyone really cares

what SnackMatch says,

the Royal Couple is...

Destiny and... my ex-BF who I amicably un-coupled with... Scott!

[students cheering and applauding]

I swear, this is only my second breakfast cone.

Scott and Destiny!

Cookies and milk.

So compatible that the whole school has been shipping you.

- [cheering] - Ugh.

Since yesterday?

They might be totally shipping us,

- but I'm totally "dipping" Scott. - [cheering continues]

[giggles] Get it?

Because he's my cookie.

Be sure to tag Tommy D in that, mkay?

- [shutter clicks] - You guys are gonna be so cute

at the dance together.

We're going to the dance together?

The Royal Couple always goes to the dance together.

It's tradition. Like licking the flagpole before football games.

Now say, "I've got a date with Destiny!"

- [shutter clicks] - I've got... to talk with someone first.

[whistle blowing]

Dodgeball gods, be kind. [whispering] I am invisible.

- Argh! - Hey, Hailey.

Do you have a minute to talk?

- [grunts] Does it look like it? - Okay, cool. Here's the thing,

me and Destiny, you know the girl who I'm super compatible with?

Well, she and I just got voted Royal Couple.

Since you and I were only gonna go to the dance as friends,

would it be all right if I went with her instead?

I mean, you and I have already gone to a bunch of dances together.

But according to a trendy new app

and a bunch of teenagers,

Destiny might be my...

you know, destiny.

[growls loudly]

[grunting angrily]

- [grunts] - [yelping] Ah!

Sure! I mean, why would I mind?

- I've got plenty of other options! - You do?

Because pretty much everyone in school is paired up because of SnackMatch.

Don't worry about old Hailey, this lobster is gonna find its...

[objects clattering]

...m-- match.

I've got so many options, I can't even think of one right now.

Too bad you can't ask that guy Sanjay.

- Who? - You know,

the really cool kid from Botany Camp

you said was super hunky and super into you,

but travels all over the world,

so you never know where he's gonna be, and can't introduce me--

Oh... That Sanjay.

[chuckling nervously] Yeah, great idea. I... I mean,

he's been all up in my DMs lately, begging to meet up.

I thought you said he wasn't on social media.

Wow, good memory. [chuckles nervously]

He's not. He sends me DMs via... carrier... pigeon.

Man, he sounds like a cool guy! You got a picture of him?

[grumbles] Boy, you sure are Mr. Questions today.

Okay, let me see. I'm sure I have one here somewhere.

Here! Here he is!

Whoa, what a hunk!

Makes me want to buy that cologne he's standing next to.

- AirSync that to me. - [phone chimes]

- [male screams distantly] - Wha-- Anyway.

The point is, I've got options that aren't you, Scott!

Okay. Cool. I thought you might be mad or something.

Anyway. Thanks, Hails. I'll see you at the dance!

[yelping] Ah! Spleen shot!

So, then dodge!

It's called dodgeball!

[♪ '80s-inspired dance song playing over speakers]

[singer] ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

[♪ song continues playing over speakers]

Loving the '80s looks, everyone!

The high hair, the big shoulders,

the... cowboy hat?

Jonathan, what's with the get-up?

Don't ask.

He thought "'80s To The Max" meant the 1880s.

The flyer didn't specify a century.

Anyone could have made that mistake.

No, only you.

And him.

A.C., why are you dressed like that?

This was the apparel of choice for the British Redcoats, circa 1780.

You know, there wouldn't be all this confusion

if we would have gone with my theme.

[growls]

So, we must have a lot in common.

Being cookies and milk and all--

Shut up a sec. Here comes Tommy D.

[fake laughter]

Scott, that is such a funny story!

And also sweet, because you saved that chinchilla!

Sorry, what were you saying?

Nothing, just talking about all the chemistry we probably have.

Did Tommy look back here?

No, wait. That was a hair toss.

Sorry, [sighs] you said you were failing Chemistry?

I am, but that's a whole different problem.

Hey, Destiny, check this out.

I'm gonna parkour off that weird car.

[shouting in a lower tone] Parkour!

[Kristine] Rough night?

Yeah, me and Destiny just don't seem to be hitting it off.

This is way less fun than when I used to go to dances with Hailey.

Where is Hailey, anyway?

She's usually so punctual for social events, that she always remembers

to bring that medicine that stops me from burping

after I have too much juice. [burps]

Scott, I never thought I'd speak ill of a phone app,

but I think you're putting too much stock into SnackMatch.

But it was super accurate for everyone else.

I mean, look at Chainsaw and Third Becky.

[whistle blows] Okay! Let's have some daylight between you two.

And, hey, DJ.

Let's keep that music at an easy 60 beats per minute, mkay?

[record scratches]

Maybe the right person for me just isn't out there.

I mean, look at you and me.

- We didn't last. - [♪ slow dance song playing]

Scott, you are one of the nicest, most genuine people I know.

The only reason we didn't work out

is that I wanted to put my #HatJourney first.

Which is why I came to this dance #ConfidentlySolo

even though my Food Personality is cheese,

which obvi goes with everything.

Trust me, the right girl for you is out there,

no matter what SnackMatch says.

Thanks, Kristine.

I'd sure like to "toss" this little pep talk.

Um... Okay? Rude.

No, I mean like how you do on SnackMatch.

You know, "toss" it into your cart because you like it.

Wait. What?

You don't toss the things you like. You "keep" them.

No, if you don't like something,

you keep it on the shelf.

I think I know how a grocery store works.

But that's exactly the opposite of how SnackMatch works!

It is? Why do they make it so confusing?

They didn't!

You somehow managed to get every answer wrong on an opinion quiz.

That's why you and Destiny don't have any chemistry.

She's the last person you should end up with.

Take the quiz again, except like a normal person would.

[high-pitched ping]

[low-pitched ping]

[low-pitched ping]

[high-pitched ping]

[high-pitched ping, low-pitched ping]

[high-pitched pings]

[phone voice] Your Food Personality is... butter.

Oh, that makes so much more sense.

I love butter.

I'm ButterScott!

Find out what pairs best with "butter."

[♪ app instrumental music plays and phone chimes]

[Scott] Lobster!

[gasps]

[♪ sentimental music playing]

[male singer] ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

[Scott] Whoa, I never realized it before,

but, oh, my God,

I think I like-like Hailey!

She's the one I want to be with tonight.

Forget Destiny.

Hailey's my destiny!

[gasps] OMG! I totally support all of this.

You should go tell Hailey how you feel right now!

Yeah? Yeah!

Oh, no.

I just remembered Hailey seemed really into her super cool fling

from Botany Camp, Sanjay.

And I don't blame her.

Look at this guy!

Scott! Hailey obviously made this guy up to save face.

That picture is from a cologne ad!

You're right!

I'm gonna do it!

I'm gonna tell Hailey Banks I like her.

Then I'm gonna come back here,

and do a sick backflip afterwards.

[♪ upbeat 80's ballad song playing]

[laughs heartily] Hello, world!

- I like Hailey Banks! [grunts] - [pigeon coos]

- [music stops] - I'm okay!

Whoo-hoo!

[♪ upbeat 80's ballad song continues playing]

Parkour!

♪ Sometimes it takes a little distance ♪

♪ To make sense out of all the loud ♪

♪ Questioning your existence... ♪

Hey! [laughs exultantly]

Hey, guys, I'm going to go see about a girl.

- [woman shouting] Yeah! - [all cheering]

So, after Lil' Meatball distracts the guards,

I'll blow the safe.

A dozen roses, please!

Ah, shoot. I don't have any cash.

They're on the house, son.

I can see true love in your eyes.

Now go get that girl!

- She's a lobster! - Huh?

[doorbell chimes]

- [music stopping] - [door creaks]

[singer] ♪ You've been best friends... ♪

Oh. Wow.

Scott, what are you doing here?

Hailey, there's something I need to tell you.

[Sanjay] Ooh, this sounds important.

[music stops]

Hi, I'm Sanjay.

[gasps]

You must be Scott. Hailey said so many nice things about you.

I almost didn't think you were real.

But... I saw you in a cologne ad.

Oh, yeah, I get asked to do those sometimes.

Kinda embarrassing to be recognized for modeling,

but each one of those gigs

can pay to plant a 1,000 trees in the Ecuadorian rainforest.

After you decided to go to the dance with Destiny,

I sent Sanjay a DM.

It turns out his dad

just got stationed at Camp Pendleton as an engineer.

It was fate! So, I pigeoned her back and said,

-"I'd love to go to the dance." - [coos]

Oh, hey there, Mordecai. Can you tell Dad I won't be home until 10:00?

- [pigeon coos] - [grunts]

So... What did you want to tell me?

Oh. Just that... it's raining out.

So, don't forget your umbrella.

I feel like that probably could have been a text, but thanks.

You should take your own advice, bud. You're soaked.

The trees are loving this, though.

Oh. Scott, what's with the flowers?

These? Oh!

They're for Sanjay, because... botany.

Thanks!

Hey, you need a ride back to the dance?

[♪ loud funky Spanish song playing over radio]

[♪ song continues playing loudly]

Nice limo!

What's that?

[shouting] I said, "It's a nice limo!"

I mean, as far as limos go,

seems like a pretty nice one!

I think it's actually a town car.

Oh, cool!

Cool, cool, cool!

[♪ rap music playing over speakers]

♪ Hoppity-hipping ♪

♪ Homies on the ones and twos doing the skipping ♪

So, how did it g-- Oh, no!

[all students gasping]

Sanjay's real?

Oh, yeah. And he knows about flowers, and pigeons,

and the difference between limos and town cars!

Scott, I'm so sorry.

How are you doing?

I... I think I'm embarrassed?

Is this what embarrassment feels like?

[whines] I don't like it. Please don't tell anyone what I told you about Hailey.

It'll be our secret.

And Scott, just know that you can always talk to me.

Besides, this Sanjay guy can't be that--

- [crowd cheering] - OMG, look at those dance moves.

[rapper] ♪ Hippity-hopping Hoppity-hipping ♪

[♪ rap music continues]

Hey, everyone. This is Sanjay.

He used to be a back-up dancer...

[breathily] ...for Usher.

Oh, stop. It was just for his European tour.

I can barely remember the moves...

- And five, six, seven, eight. - [whooping]

- [all gasping] - Uh-huh! [grunting rhythmically]

- Hails! - [crowd cheering]

While this Sanjay guy is super cool

and objectively better than Scott in every way,

you have got to think about the list.

The world depends on you telling Scott how you feel,

and you promised to do it tonight.

You know what, Beta?

I can't do this anymore.

I can't keep chasing after someone who is never going to like me back.

You and the list are not in control of my life.

I am.

- [gasps] - [paper tearing]

[♪ upbeat romantic dance song playing over speakers]

[female singer] ♪ Then don't wake me up if I'm dreaming ♪

[all laughing heartily]

[♪ upbeat romantic dance song continues playing]

♪ Then don't wake me up if I'm dreaming ♪

[exclaims in shock]

[chaos bot] Chaos!

I'm getting awfully tired of these guys.

Okay, everyone, clear the way! My first time trying this,

- but... Backflip! - [cheers and applause]

[both gasp]

- [softly] Sick. - And tight.

Hailey, reconnecting with you has reminded me

of all the magic we had at Botany Camp.

I gotta ask,

do you want to go out?

[♪ slower romantic music playing over speakers]

If you don't say yes, I will.

[♪ music continues playing]

Of course I will!

- [scoffs] This is turning into total-- - [chaos bot] Chaos!

What was that?

Chaos! [scanners computing]

[scanners processing]

Chaos?

What the actual beans did I just see?

Hey, hey! Let's get all the happy couples together

- for a picture in the photo booth. - Let's do it.

- [boy] Yeah, yeah! - [girl] What a great idea!

- [Hailey] Hey, Scott. - Yeah?

Do you mind watching our stuff while Sanjay and I get a few pictures

in the photo booth? We are actually going out now.

Yeah, sure.

In case I haven't said it lately,

thanks for being a great friend.

[chuckles] You know,

I don't think cookies and lobster sound so bad together.

Hailey, you know, I'm actually...

really happy for you guys.

[laughter]

[phone chimes]

[app voice] Super Mega SnackMatch detected!

- [♪ app instrumental music plays] - [chimes and crunches]

[laughter]

[groans softly]

[gasps]

[yelling] What the heck is happening?

I have no idea. But I do know the only thing that will keep it

from happening again, is for Hailey to stop avoiding items on her list.

Okay, okay! Jeez! We'll clean the attic!

It's not the attic, you buffoon!

Look, this goes against all of my programming,

but there's something you need to know.

There's one list item Hailey's never told you about.

[screen computing]

- [screen processing] - [gasps]

[Hailey singing] ♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it ♪

♪ Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Leaving nothing to chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts to do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise, I'm on it ♪

♪ I'm on it ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪ - [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪