Original subtitles

[Beta] Chaos bots have been sent from the future

to stop the one person who can save the world.

Me?

[chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪

[Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

♪ Teach a cat to play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate all the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my ear wax? ♪

♪ To make a candle ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪ - [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

♪ Win first place for world's cutest pet rock ♪

♪ Do a corn maze ♪

♪ Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

♪ Kiss my friend Scott? ♪

Huh? [screams]

- [object clatters] - [donkey brays]

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪ - [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

- [bird squawking] - [Hailey] Whoa.

What a fascinating fossil.

If only our ancestors were alive to tell us what it is.

[dial tone]

Why did you take me to this technology graveyard?

There are no list items here.

I could be home getting yoked.

Isn't it amazing that people used to have all these separate gadgets,

but now, everything fits inside

your teeny-weeny little body, Beta?

Please don't ever use the words "teeny-weeny"

to describe my muscle-ocity.

So you kids gonna buy anything or just touch all my stuff?

Just touch all your stuff.

[man growling]

Okay, fine. Twist my arm.

You guys want the good stuff, don't ya?

Here they are.

Products so reckless, so dangerous,

they were banned in 15 states

and most of Paraguay.

The Sun Telescope, magnifies both the sun

and your chances of going blind.

- Cool! - Awful.

Triple-concentrated maple syrup,

too sweet for human taste buds.

- Cool! - Awful.

And the most dangerous of all...

Honey Doo hair gel?

Take my money!

[man chuckles]

Hailey, remember when I used this?

Do I remember those five-and-a-half days

where your hair bounced with every step

and you looked like a magazine cover come to life? [sighs]

No. No, I do not.

But I remember why it was banned.

Play "Honey Doo hair gel PSA."

[man] And now, a special message from the Hair Safety Commission.

Meet Melvin, a typical teen who enjoys

typical teen activities, like skipping rocks

and flag folding.

Psst. Hey, try this Honey Doo hair gel.

It'll make you look great!

And your first two is free.

No way, man,

I'm Honey Doo-free.

I don't need that stuff.

- Pff. More for me. - [basketball crashes]

Hair like this,

I'm gonna live forever--

- [growls] - [teen screams]

Hi, I'm world famous celebrity "Weird Al" Yankovic.

You might know me as a hilarious comedy singer and songwriter.

But do you know what's no laughing matter?

Bear attacks!

Thanks to Honey Doo hair gel.

Studies show Honey Doo increases your chances of spontaneous bear attacks

by 900%!

Don't let this happen to you.

Just say don't to Honey Doo!

[both] Honey Doo?

[all] More like Honey Doo not!

See, you really shouldn't--

What are you doing?

Just seeing if it still works.

[dreamy music playing]

It still works.

[cassette tape springs]

[man] Oh!

[woman] Aah!

Hailey, why are you drooling?

Scott, why are you-- Hunky?

It's the hair. Thanks to Honey Doo.

Just be careful. You heard "Weird Al."

Bears are no joke.

Except for the cute little squishy one I have. Like you.

Don't be such a melvin, Hailey.

I can stop using Honey Doo any time I want.

I probably won't even wear it to school tomorrow.

[school bell ringing]

[♪ funky electronic music playing]

[girl gasps]

[gasps]

My eyes are down here, Joanne.

Hey, can I borrow a pencil?

[♪ funky electronic music continues]

Scott Denoga? Love the hair.

So nice to see someone put in a little effort around here.

Here's a homework pass for making me smile.

Thanks, Miss Jackson.

And I'll give this right back

because I didn't do last night's homework.

Everyone is ogling you.

You included.

It's been like this all day.

[gasps] Scott, play it cool.

Tommy D is walking this way.

He's getting closer.

He's right in front of--

- 'Sup, Scott? - He's talking to you!

Love the 'do, my bro.

So nice to see someone

with naturally exceptional hair. Like me.

- Yep. Totally natural. - [Hailey] Hmm.

Sick and tight!

- Both? - Wow.

Broseph, lunch with me today?

I'll make us a res at The Rotunda

Here's the deets.

The Rotunda!

I knew it was real.

One time, I saw Lunch Lady O'Malley

being very suspicious.

I was late to lunch, and O'Malley must have thought all the kids were gone.

I saw her put lobsters on a tray

and then put them into one of those

hole-in-the-wall lift-y thingies.

Uh... What are they called?

A dumbwaiter.

[exclaims] These are certainly not for The Rotunda.

[exclaims] There is no Rotunda!

Stop saying Rotunda!

- [screaming] Rotunda! - [door slams]

That's why I put "get in to The Rotunda" on my list.

Go ahead, Beta. The next most optimal list item is...

Number 43.

[Beta reading]

What? What does that even mean?

Oh, yeah, remember when we watched that movie

about aliens who turned kids into candy bars,

and you said you wanted that to happen to you?

Oh, right.

Hey, I didn't know this list would help save the world someday.

I like weird wishes.

Sometimes I wish I was a stick of butter, so I could melt myself.

[laughs]

You two deserve each other.

[school bell ringing]

It's 1:00 p.m.

This is where Tommy D's note said to meet him.

[muffled music thumping]

[both] Secret entrance!

Welcome to The Rotunda.

Follow me.

Yeah, that's a no from us, lady bro.

But Hailey's my best friend.

We wanted to go in The Rotunda together.

I legit respect your confidence, girl power, et cetera,

but I unfort cannot respect your split ends. Ugh.

Ah, sorry, Hails, I guess I'll just hang back here.

No, no, you should go.

Cool! I mean, no sense in both of us missing out,

and maybe I can figure out a way to get you in later,

like maybe they have a sponsor-a-kid program for kids without great hair.

I'll let you know. 'Kay, bye.

So that happened.

But, hey, there's a candy factory three miles away.

Maybe we can cover those split ends with nougat.

[groans]

All right, so over here is the scalp massage chair,

and that's our photo booth for windblown selfies,

a charcuticature artist can design your likeness out of meat and cheeses,

and our pianist can play any request.

- [piano music playing] - Legit. Anything.

Welcome to... The League of Naturally...

- [hair whips] - ...Extraordinary Hair.

Can people see in here?

Oh, don't worry, brochacho.

That's one-way glass.

The hair uggos out there cannot see us.

Hey, nice cowlick.

[laughs] Lame.

It's completely soundproof, too.

I hate listening to normal hair.

- Sick! - [Tommy] And tight.

- [cell phone vibrates] - Hey, Hails.

Scott, what's going on? Did you find a way to get me in?

Uh, no, it's gonna be tough

because your hair really has to be amazing to get in here.

Hurtful, but for the sake of efficiency, go on.

Hails, it's even cooler than we imagined.

That big mirror in the hallway is actually one-way glass,

so no one with bad hair can see us in here,

and it's completely soundproof.

Like if I screamed right now, you wouldn't hear me.

[screaming]

I can hear you through the phone.

Oh, right. Good point.

Oh, brochalada! No, we don't allow phones in here.

Big no-no, bro-bro.

You don't wanna get kicked out

before Respectful Ryung from Seoul M8s performs, do you?

[Hailey] Did she say Respectful Ryung? From Seoul M8s?

- Gotta go. Catch up with you later. - [beeps]

[hair whips]

Man, I love this club.

We've got naturally sick hair,

and we're gonna live forever!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[brakes screech]

[sniffing]

[grunts]

[sniffing]

[woman over speakers] You are worthy.

- I am worthy. - [man screaming in terror]

[woman over speakers] You are good at your job.

I am good at my job.

- [bear growls] - [all screaming]

Hey, Lucy.

I can't get into The Rotunda. Hi, Murray.

- Now, Scott's acting weird. - [bear growls]

Hey, bear.

Wait! Bear?

- [screams] - [on PA] Students, please remain calm.

There is a bear on campus, but everything will be okay.

[sniffs]

[on PA] I can't believe I just lied to those students.

We're all gonna be bear food!

It's... Is this still on? Students! Save yourselves!

- [recording] Bear alert! - [alarm ringing]

- Bear alert! - [slurps]

[gasps] He's here for the Honey Doo!

♪ ...give me spark Making my heart go ♪

♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom ♪

♪ Can't imagine a future not together... ♪

[screaming continues]

They need to know there's a bear on the loose, but how to get in?

He's after me delicious liverloaf!

I got it.

[grunts] This counts as my arm workout for today.

♪ Got your eyes on me Got my eyes on you ♪

[continues singing]

[grunting]

- [groans] - [Beta screams]

- [clanks] - Hailey?

Hey, everyone with ugh, incredible hair.

Someone attracted a bear to campus!

You all gotta get out of here!

Look, no offense, but this seems like a whack lie

from a hair-tastrophe who's desperate

- to be with the-- - [girl] Bear!

Take my body! Not my hair!

It's okay. We're safe in here.

- That glass is unbreakable. - [thwack]

[cracks]

- Did we keep the receipt? - [thwack]

Scott, he's after the Honey Doo!

[sighs]

Everyone, this is all my fault.

The truth is, my hair is not naturally incredible.

I used a hair enhancer called Honey Doo that attracted this bear.

- [gasps] - [gasps]

[slurps]

You lied about your natural hair?

Brodeo, I thought we were bros.

We just met.

Can you two bro this out later?

Scott, wash that gel out!

- How? - [glass shatters]

Bear alert! Bear alert!

[roars]

- [all screaming] - [alarm continues]

[gasps]

[fire alarm ringing]

Aah--

It's working!

Honey Doo again?

Every week I gotta stop this bear from coming down here.

Let's go, Roscoe.

[Roscoe panting]

Wait. Why would Roscoe keep coming

if I was the only one who-- [gasps]!

[all crying]

[panting]

Wait, you all use Honey Doo?

[sobbing] I don't deserve to be here, bro!

Do you even go to school here?

I just came for the free lobster.

I'm sorry, Hails.

I shouldn't have put my awesome hair before our friendship.

That's okay.

But next time, how about you, Honey Doo "not"?

Yes, I know how cringe that was.

[laughs]

[grunts]

Beta! Guess who just took care of the bear

and got into The Rotunda?

It looks like I was right and you were wrong

about the whole human candy bar-- [yells]

[splashes]

Well, it looks like we were both right.

[Hailey grunts]