All language subtitles for Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo 1999

**Of all the wonderful things
in life you can find**

**They all can be yours
with the right frame of mind**

**Just look and you'll find
No run, no lie**

**There are no secrets to hide
No run, no lie**

**Leave your problems behind
Leave your problems behind**

**No worry, friends
No worry**

Yuck!

Eww!

Swim trunks are loaded
with detergents...

and other hazardous chemicals
that could be harmful to fish.

Ow! Ah!

Hi, Allison.

-Just quit my job at the aquarium.
- Heard you got fired.

Yeah. Aquarium's totally changed,
but don't worry about me.

I'll be fine. You know,
I got a lot of great offers.

You know, things are really
starting to happen for me.

- I was thinking, maybe later,
if you weren't doing..
- No.

I mean, uh, if you're..
when you're not workin'..

I don't think so.

Okay, I guess I'll just, you know,
take some sea snails and be on my way.

No, no, a little lower.
The ones on the bottom.

Uh.. Have a good nipple.

**Colour me your colour, baby**

**Colour me your car**

**Colour me your colour, darling**

**I know who you are**

**Come up off your colour chart**
- Ah, you have beautiful skin, baby.

Get some olive oil,
rub it all over you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

Let's get him out of there.

Oh! Oh, Antoine! Yeah!

Yes!

Try to keep your goldfish
in this bowl.

If you like, I could
stick around for a while.

Every kid needs a father.

What the hell?

What the hell are you doing?

There's a mongrel koi in there.

It's the most dangerous
of all goldfish.

Do you have any ice?

Hey! Shoes off, huh?

Respect the 18th-century
Persian carpet.

Whoa! What are those?

Medieval weapons.
I'm a collector.

They're worth twice as much
If they've killed somebody.

I collect Canadian quarters.

I got about six of them.

Would you like anything to drink?

I wouldn't mind a glass of..

Whoa. What is that?

Is that a custom Living Colour,
anti-glare, retractable-top tank?

- I'm not sure.
- It is.

They assemble
each one of these by hand.

Whoa. Chinese tail bar lionfish.
He's a beauty.

That's an $800 fish!

- Try a grand.
- Well, then you overpaid.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey, an Australian rainbow fish.

You're not gonna wanna
put him in there.

- Oh, God!
- Women love it.

They find it erotic
when they eat each other.

Excuse me for a second, huh?

Must make pee-pee.

Antoine, hi. It's Regina. I'm flying in
from Luxembourg tomorrow.

I want you to be my driver.
SwissAir, flight 12.

Is it still 3,500?
See you. Ciao.

I finally figured out how you
pick up all these gorgeous women.

- How's that?
- You're a limo driver.

Sometimes I am.

So you just drive them back here
and have sex with them?

If they pay me enough, yes.

What kind of limo service is that?

Shouldn't you be taking them
to fancy restaurants or the theatre?

- I'm a gigolo.
- A gigo-who?

Women pay me
to give them pleasure.

How'd you get that job?

I just kind of fell into it.

I'm gonna kill
my guidance counsellor.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Down! Bad dog!

Hey, guys.
Did you miss me?

Well, there's been a slight delay
in our move-to-the-beach plan.

But don't worry.

It's gonna happen.

Hey, fish guy!

I think there's something wrong
with my, uh...

uh, duh, duh, big fish.

PH is off. The nitrates
are at a dangerous level.

I can neutralize it.

Oh, hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.

They don't like that.

I think our little friend
has Malawi bloat.

- What the hell is that?
- It's a gill disorder.

Is it bad?

- Could be fatal.
- But is he gonna make it?

He's in shock. I gave him
some freeze-dried water fleas,
but he's gotta wanna live.

- The next 48 hours are critical.
- Forty-eight hours?

But I got to go to Switzerland
for business.

- I'll be gone for three weeks.
- Well, cancel it.

- You got a sick fish here, pal.
- Hey, hey, what about you, huh?

Sounds good, but I can't afford to go to
Europe right now. My passport expired..

No, no. I mean you can stay here
and look after my fish, huh?

No, I've got a full bar, huh?

Digital television.
You're on the beach.

I don't know. I..

I would be honoured
to care for your fish.

Just remember.

Don't use my car
and don't answer my phone.

No car, no phone.

So I guess throwing a big beach party
is out of the question, huh?

This is a 14th-century
Hungarian crossbow.

It has killed a king
and changed the history of Europe.

You mess up anything
in my apartment...

I'll shove it up your ass.

Have a good trip.

**Come on, come on**

Women pay me
to give them pleasure.

**Come on, come on**

**And tell me why you're standing**

**Come on, come on**

**It must be
Why you're demanding**

**Come on, come on**

**Come on, come on**

**And stop**
- I'm on the beach.

I mean, I open up my window,
I got sand blowin' in my face.

It's that crazy.
I'd love to show it to you sometime.

- No.
- You really owe it yourself to see..

- No.
- Hey!

Try to get laid
on your own time, pal.

- Yeah, come on!
- Let's go, pal. Really.

I guess I'll just take
some sea snails.

You better give me some
from the colder tank.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, yes!

Oh!

I've been bad.

I've been really bad.

Oh! Ah!

But it was worth it.

Hi. Would you like to buy
some Girls of America cookies?

- Don't hit me with that.
- Could you come back later?

- Ohh!
- Eww! What are you watching?

You're gross! You're a sick man,
and I'm gonna tell!

- Hit me with it again!
- How much?

Great.

Hey, uh, Deuce, it's Antoine.

I just realized
I don't know you that well.

To be honest,
it's freaking me out a little.

You just make sure you keep my apartment
clean, or you will die! Bye-bye.

Six thousand dollars?

I know. It sucks.

- Neil, where am I gonna get
$6,000 in three weeks?
- I don't know your budget.

You may not want to blow
your whole wad on this tank.

I would.

- Can I pay in instalments?
- No.

I'm up to my bicep in it,
If you know what I mean.

I'm not trying to flip you over
and do you dry here.

Look. Squat on it for a night,
and let me know.

- What? Hello?
- Hi.

I've been staring at your number
For hours. I got it from a friend.

Um, I'm not really
supposed to use this phone.

Why don't you come over?
My address is 1235 Radford Way.

Actually, uh, I've.. I've got
a lot of work to do here still.

I'm naked.

**Call me
Call me**

**On the line**

**Call me, call me
any, anytime**

**Call me**

Now there's my little
German tourist.

Is this it?
Is this the whole outfit?

It's perfect.

Yes. Use the map.
Use the map.

"Vohrest der
Statue of Liberty?"

You should have stuck
with the tour, Heinz.

Now you'll have to
pay the penalty.

It's.. It's no problem.
I'll just, um..

Let me slip on
a few of these babies.

- What was that?
- I didn't hear anything.

Now, come here,
you naughty little sightseer.

- Wait a second.
I definitely heard something!
- Oh, that's just Wolfy.

He's been in there a while. Now,
you concentrate and stay in character.

Wolfy, settle down!

Now, you just focus
on your little Wiener schnitzel.

I gotta get outta here.

Don't worry. He never
gets all the way through.

Maybe you better go.

Wolfy has got to stop
doing this to Mommy's friends!

Yes, he does.
Yes, he does.

He'll be all right for a while. Here,
this is for you. It's all I could grab.

- Did I bring you pleasure?
- Not really.

Y-Y-You better haul ass.

Ten dollars?

Yeah!

**Well, you can tell
by the way I roll shorty**

**That I'm a ladies' man
A businessman**

**I keep it intact
Yo, Clef**

**Do the track with John
Play the mack while I pay the taxi**

**Business as usual
watchin' suspects**

**Steal my assets**
- Martini and two olives.

**Drink sat the bar**
- Martini. Two olives.

Any ladies need
some entertainment tonight?

He's kind of cute.

Eight-fifty.

- Eight dollars?
- And fifty cents.

Well, how much just for
a plain cranberry juice?

Oh, uh, three dollars.

I'll go for that.

There you go.
That's, uh, eleven-fifty.

Uh, no, no.
Perhaps you misunderstood me.

I wish to cancel my original order
Of the martini and two olives...

and go for just the plain cranberry
juice, by itself, for the three dollars.

And I apologize for any inconvenience
this may have caused you.

Uh, perhaps you don't understand.

Uh, if you don't pay me now,
I'm going to, uh...

I'm gonna take this swizzle stick
and, uh...

I'll be shovin' that
right up your pee hole.

**Stayin' alive**
- So that was eleven-fiifty, right?

- Right.
- Okay.

There's ten and six quarters.

And, uh, tell you what.
I'll go work on your tip.

I couldn't help
overhearing your Spanish.

It's French.

French. Nice people.
May l?

No..

Oop.

These leather seats.

Would you like a martini
or cranberry juice?

No.

Kinda celebrating tonight.

Possible career change.

- I'm pretty excited about it.
- You wanna get outta here?

Okay. I'm sorry.

I mean, together.

What happened to the carpet?

Oh, it's, uh, one of those
18th-century wet rugs.

Oh, that's certainly appreciated.

Hey, whoa.

Maybe we should take care
Of a little business first.

If you prefer.

I don't have a set price or anything,
but I have been getting ten dollars.

- I'm sorry?
- Well, that's my going rate.

But I'm willing to negotiate.

That's funny.
But the price is 500.

You're gonna pay me $500?

No, honey, you pay me.

Oh, I get it. This is
some kind of role reversal.

I'll play along with this.
Okay, 300, 400, 500.

You're my hooker.

No, seriously,
where's my ten dollars?

Look, asshole, I didn't come
all the way down here for nothin'.

Now, give me my $500!

You give me ten dollars!

500, now!

You pay me ten dollars.

Nice. Oh!

Is that all you got?

Ten dollars!

No! Please, don't!

Five hundred dollars,
or the fish gets it.

Let's talk about this.

- Why do you have a picture of Antoine?
- Well, this is his place.
I'm watchin' his fish for him.

Please, don't tell him
about the shoes, huh?

- Excuse me. Can I help you?
- Oh, my God.

I'm lookin' at a dead man.

You know, Claire told me
that Antoine's place was messed up...

but I had no idea.

- Claire?
- The hooker you ass-punched.

That was a misunderstanding...

and I intend to have everything fiixed
by the time Antoine gets back.

I'm just.. just a little
strapped for cash right now.

Maybe there's something
we could work out.

Claire mentioned
that you dabbled in harlotry.

- I'm sorry?
- You a man-whore.

- Well, I tried that for a couple hours..
- See this ring?

Topaz.
That's my mother's birthstone.

Got that from man-whorin'.

See this key chain?
That's right.

Mini yo-yo.
Know how I got the money for that?

- Man-whorin'?
- Stock market.

But I got the money for the stock market
from man-whorin'...

and representin'
man-whores like yourself.

- So, you're a pimp?
- T.J. don't consider himself no pimp.

More of a male madam.

That wasn't too well thought out.

Look at this proud fish.
It's like a coyote. King of the jungle.

Just like Antoine.
He don't need no pimp.

Now look at this
mid-level fish here.

Works hotels, conventions,
senior centres.

I represent several man-whores
at this level of the game.

Now look at this little fella.

At the bottom, tryin' to get busy
with the scuba man.

You know, if you work hard
and listen to me...

this could be you.

Well, thanks,
but I already have a job.

- I clean fish tanks.
- You ever make $150
cleanin' fish tanks?

- A hundred and fiifty dollars?
- Yeah.

Fish ain't gonna pay
for all this.

I don't know.

You know, Antoine's
got a bad temper.

Remember once I dropped
a cigar ash on his rug.

He made me pick it up
with my anus.

Well, maybe I could
do a couple jobs...

just to get
this place fiixed up.

We got a lot of work to do.

**I believe in miracles**

**Where you from**

**You sexy thing
Sexy thing, you**

**I believe in miracles**

**Since you came along**

You a man-whore now.

- I'm so proud.
- Thanks, T.J.

Now, remember, it's business.

Never, ever fall in love.

I'm upstairs!

Okay, Deuce,
don't fall in love.

I know what you're thinkin'.

You're thinkin' those are
the biggest boobies you've ever seen.

Can I please use your phone?

I'm not your average woman.

I like sex,
and I'm not afraid to admit..

Excuse me.
I just had pudding an hour ago.

- Dear God!
- You ever parked your bicycle
in an aeroplane hangar?

- I'm sorry?
- You ever thrown an toothpick...

into a volcano?

- What?
- Oh, nothin'.

Just makin' idle chit-chat.
Are you comfortable?

- Actually, no.
- Ooh.

I'm sweatin'.
You're gettin' me all hot.

- You don't like my hair, do you?
- I think there's been a mistake.

- Did you say "steak"?
- No mistake.

- Oh, see, now you got me all excited.
- Look, I'm gay.

- Well, how gay are you?
- Very, very gay.

You must have dialled
the Very Gay Escort Service.

Oh, shit. See, sometimes
my fingers swell up...

and I can't cleanly
hit the numbers.

They should make a phone
for full-figured girls.

- They should.
- So...

what do we do?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Cakes and Pies.
Cakes and Pies!

Okay, which pie
has the most sugar?

- Peach cobbler.
- You win again.
That's four games to one.

Well, fast food trivia
is my game, honey.

I must tell you, nobody has ever
pleasured Jabba the Slut.

Deucey, you have a way
of satisfying a woman...

that would sicken a normal man.

I can't do this any more.

You must have
a magical "man-gina."

- Huh?
- "Man-gina."

It's a professional term we man-whores
use to describe our he-pussy.

I'm not one of your man-whores.

Okay? I quit.

You ungrateful he-bitch.

How 'bout I get Antoine on the phone
in Switzerland...

and tell him how you
redecorated his poon palace?

I'm not an ungrateful he-bitch.

Just give me a minute
to think here.

Thanks.

- How's it going?
- Pretty good.

- Hey, Dad, let me ask you a question.
- And what's that, son?

Do you think it's wrong for a man
to accept money from a woman...

to, you know,
show her a good time?

I was just thinking about that
this morning.

The idea of a man-whore
is a relatively new idea.

- Cologne?
- No, thanks.

These women are looking
for something more than just sex.

- They want romance.
- What do you mean?

Well, it was like
when I met your mom.

God rest her soul.

I didn't have so much
as a toilet to clean.

Still, I wasn't going to pay her
a dime for sex, no matter what
she was charging.

What?

Well, your mom could have had
any man she wanted in that strip club...

and this being my first time in Bangkok,
I was looking for a good time myself.

- You met Mom where?
- Oh, it's not important.

The thing is,
she saw something in me...

beyond the 200 baht..

a man with an eye
for adventure...

who wasn't afraid
to risk it all.

Dad, are.. are you saying that..

So, we took all
her one-dollar bills off the stage...

said goodbye to that donkey...

and two days later,
we were man and wife.

And we were happily married,
long time.

So, do you think I should be
more of a risk-taker?

Worked for me.

Thanks, Pops.

Well, son...

Looks like I've got
some work to do.

You got yourself a man-whore.

My man!

- Is.. Is Tina here?
- Yes.

I'm Deuce Bigalow, her date.

I get my things.

I love this place.

- Where you from again?
- Norway.

- Freak!
- I hear great things about it.

- Holy shit, it's Bigfoot!
- So how'd you end up here?

I had a pituitary gland procedure
at UCLA Medical Centre...

and I just fell in love
with the people here.

- Hey, keep it in the circus!
- You know, this place has
gone way downhill.

- What do you say we go somewhere else?
- That's a huge bitch!

I'm sorry about
what those people said.

You should be able to go
on all the rides.

I had a really great time,
but I should go.

Easy. Easy!
Take it easy!

Wait, wait.

Wait. Hey, I know
what we can do.

I got it. Give me
a second to think here!

Wait! Whoa!

Oh, yes! Oh!

Mmm!

Oh, no one has ever
touched my feet before.

Deuce Bigalow?
Detective Fowler, L.A.P.D.

I wanna ask you a few questions
about Antoine Laconte...

known gigolo, male prostitute.

- I'm just taking care of his fish.
- I'll bet you are.

You make me sick!

You gonna stand there and tell me
that gigantic woman...

didn't just pay you
to have sex with her?

- No.
- Let me tell you something, mister.

I can sleep at night, because I make
a decent, God-fearin', honest livin'.

I'm sure you do,
but there's nothing I can tell you.

I think there is.

What do you think of this?

- You think I can get anything
for it? You know, money?
- I don't know.

Yeah. You think
I'm a loser, don't you?

- No, I don't.
- Well, maybe I am a loser...

but I'm a loser
who can bust your ass.

Now you tell Antoine
I'm gonna nail him.

- Hello?
- Is this Ruth?

Yeah, I'll be right down.
Goddamn it!

- Nice day, huh?
- Yeah.

Shove it up your ass!

Jeez, you okay?

I'm sorry.
I have Tourette's syndrome...

and it causes me to have
these uncontrollable outbursts.

- It's not so bad.
- Yeah. It's okay.

I mean, you get used to it.

Ball sweat! Anus!
Anus licker!

You know, there are some places
I can't go! Nipple biter!

What are you talkin' about?
I barely notice it.

Scrotum! Sperm!
Sperm face!

I just can't go near places
like churches. Ha-ha! Vulva!

Elementary schools.
Jizz! Jizz trap!

Pretty much anywhere.

Fart! Dildo!

Big.. Big, big titties!

Shit! Shit whore!

Hey, uh, let's put the top up.
I'll put on the air conditioning.

You probably want to
take me home, don't you?

No.

Hey, I got an idea.

I'm nervous.
There's a lot of people here.

- Don't worry.
- Crap muncher!

- "Crap muncher"?
- I know!

He was definitely safe!

- Hey, what do you think
about the other team?
- Assholes!

- Hey, keep it down.
- Right.

And.. And their pitcher. I mean,
stop stalling and throw it already.

- Ball hair!
- "Ball hair"?
- Ball hair!

Yeah, ball hair.

What we need is
a strike hair.

That other team's
a bunch of high-priced babies!

- Whores!
- Yeah! You tell 'em, darlin'!

- They called him out?
- S-Scrotum licker!

- Yeah!
- Scrotum licker!

Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face!
Piss face! Piss face!

Piss face! Piss face! Piss face!

Deucey, you the best he-bitch
in my man-stable.

If I had two more "man-ginas" like you,
I'd be a millionaire.

- T.J., I think I'm gonna get out.
- Sit down.

This next date is what we man-pimps
call a doozy.

- What's wrong with this one?
- Nothin'.

Have you seen her?
What is she, 80? Hunchbacked?

She just got outta college.

Some of her girlfriends pitched in
to get her a little beefcake.

- She thinks it's a blind date.
- It's a guy, isn't it?

I don't think so,
but I have been fooled before.

- You must be Kate.
- Excuse me. Waiter.

Ah. Uh, yes. Sorry.
We're busy tonight.

I'll have the..

- A number four?
- Yes. Thank you.

- I'm Kate.
- Are you sure?

- Think so.
- I'm sorry. You're just
not what I expected.

- Really.
- No, no.

I mean, in, uh..
in a good way.

They didn't say
you were so perfect.

"Perfect."

So, Sally and Megan
didn't tell me a lot about you.

Who?

Oh, right, uh..
Well, I clean, uh, tanks.. ers..

Tankers.

I'm sorry.
I'm still kinda shocked.

I mean, you're..
you're really normal.

Thank you.

My last couple of dates
have been horrible.

Oh, you get fixed up
on a lot of blind dates?

Only recently.

- H-How 'bout you?
- This is my first.

- I hope this place is okay.
- Are you kidding? It's terrific.

- Oh, God!
- Are you okay?

- Is this one of those, uh..
- It's a sushi bar.

- Are you allergic?
- You could say that.

That's a dog-faced
puffer fish over there.

He's not even fully matured yet.
He's a teenager, for crying out loud.

Can I ask you
to stop that, please?

I don't see how it could possibly
be pleasurable for a woman.

I just don't think it's natural.

You're not supposed to go up there.

To tell you the truth,
I don't know how men do it either.

You're not curious,
just to try somethin' new?

I'm just not into it.

So space exploration
is definitely out for you?

Definitely. I mean, more power to any
woman who wants to be an astronaut.

I just wouldn't do it.

Frankly, I'd rather
take it up the butt.

So you think this is a good spot?

It's perfect.

Life's funny, huh?
Some pretty close calls.

I wonder if he knew
how close he came to the end?

Oh, he knew.

I bet he never thought he'd
be held by such a lovely woman.

Deuce.

You're embarrassing me
in front of our new friend.

That was a really nice thing
you did tonight.

Too bad it's a freshwater fish.

I...I'm kidding, see?
I'm just joking.

**Take some time
For our feelings to grow**

Good night.

**I can't let you go**

**And I can't let go**

**With you I'm not shy**

**To show the way I feel**

**With you I might..**

You've had yourself
an interesting little evening.

Just takin' care of his fish, huh?
She looks like a nice catch.

It was a first date.

Listen up, man-whore.
I oughta bust you right now!

- We just had sushi.
- "Sushi." Is that what
they call it nowadays?

Well, I'm hip
to your man-whore slang.

All right, fine.

Why don't I just go have a little chat
with your spicy tuna roll, huh?

No, don't!

All right. Okay, Deuce.

No problem, baby. Relax.

Maybe I'll even let this one slide
for some information.

Like Antoine's black book.
You know.

- The one with his list of clients?
- I don't know anything about it.

Oh, yeah?
You know anything about this?

See that red spot over there?

That wasn't there this morning.
I checked.

- You know what it is?
- Maybe it's a rash.

Something you got from jogging. How the
hell do I know? Get it away from me.

Maybe you're right.
You got three days, Bigalow!

T.J., I really like this girl.

Deucey, don't be fallin' in love with
no she-John. You're in it for the money.

Antoine will be back pretty soon.
Apartment ain't gonna pay to fix itself.

I know. Hey, there's been
this detective followin' me.

Goddamn it, white boy! You didn't
tell him nothin' about me, did you?

No, but what should I do?

- About what?
- About the cop!

Will you stop mentionin'
the damn cops?

Don't make me
he-bitch man-slap you!

Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow,
your man-whore for this evening.

Hi, I'm Carol..

I have narcolepsy.
It's.. It's a sleeping disorder.

It isn't the worst thing
you could ever have.

I'm just not allowed to fly
an aeroplane or.. or drive a car...

or work in a gun range.

Yeah.

This is such a treat.
I've always wanted to try soup,
but there's the fear of drowning.

- I really had fun.
- Are you gonna be okay?

- I'll be fine.
- You sure?

- Yeah.
- Good night.

**I can't get enough of you, baby**

**I can't get enough of you, baby**

**Yes, it's true**

**Yes, it's true**

**Whenever we kiss
I get to feelin' like this**

**I get to wishin '
that there were two of you**

**Come on.
You can dance.**

**Come on, baby**

**It feels so nice**

**I want your arms to**

**Wrap around me twice**

**I can't get enough of you, baby**

**I can't get enough of you, baby**

**Right or wrong**

**Baby, right or wrong**

**I can't get enough of you, baby**
- Ohh, Deuce.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- I want you to meet my roommate.
- Who's there? Kate?

- I hear someone.
- It's just me and my friend.

Are you sure?
I hear three people.

You're the third person.

Oh. Oh, okay.

She's newly blind.
She's still getting adjusted.

Bergita, this is Deuce.

I think there's
something wrong with Cassie.

Oh, honey.

This isn't Cassie.

Here she is.

Oh, there you are.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Once you try it for the first time,
you're pretty happy with the results.

I've never met
a hair transplant technician before.

Oh, man! I forgot.
It's my dad's birthday.

- Let's go see him.
- He's working.

So, what does he do?

He's in the restaurant industry.

Kate, I'd like you
to meet my dad, Bob Bigalow.

Bob, Kate.

- Hi.
- Son, I'm very proud of you.

She is a lovely young lady.

Thank you.

It's so nice to meet you.
Happy birthday.

- Thank you.
- Well, we should probably be going.

Deuce.

Dad probably has a lot
of paperwork to do and..

No, the paper's
completely stocked.

I've got plenty of time to get
more acquainted with the woman...

who's made my boy so happy.

We got you a cake.
Deuce said it's your favourite.

We had to go to
a Filipino bakery to get it.

You didn't.

You did!
Raspberry bibingka?

Aw, you shouldn't have.

My wife,
God rest her soul...

used to make this all the time.

You would have liked her.

Bangkok Betty.

She had the most amazing mouth.
It paid for our honeymoon.

- Well, we should probably be going.
- Deuce, it's your dad's birthday.

Hi, Bob. We have an overflowing toilet
in the ladies' bathroom.

There is shit everywhere.

It's a real mess. You think you can get
in there and take care of that for me?

No worries, Vic.
Right on it.

I'd like you to meet
my son's girlfriend Kate.

- Kate, nice to meet you.
- You too.
- Hi, Deuce.

So, could you get in there, Bob?

I mean, I got a party of ten coming in,
and I am up to my ankles in human crap.

It's a real stink-fest back there.

Sure.

Well, looks like
I better get back to work.

It's a pleasure
meeting you, dear.

It warms my heart
just being in your presence.

Oh, thank you.

See you, son.

See, my dad's
one of those guys, uh..

- He likes to be involved
in every facet of the business.
- It's okay.

There.. There's no, uh, problem
too small or too big.

- I mean, they come to him
for everything.
- Deuce, it's all right.

It's not his restaurant.

My dad's not even a waiter.

He's the men's room attendant.
I'm sorry.

Don't be silly.

You know what my dad does?

He's an aeronautical engineer.

Bob?

Wanna blow out your candle?

Mmm, now that's good bibingka.

I had a really nice time tonight.

I find that hard to believe.

I've never met anyone like you.

Good.

I have to see you again.

When we go inside, try to be quiet
so we don't wake up Bergita.

**With you I'm not shy**

**To show the way I feel**

**With you I might try**

**My secrets to reveal**

**For you are a magnet**

**And I am steel**

Why don't I get the light?

Hang on. I'll be right back.
Be right back.

You are good.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you all right?

I need you
to be okay with something.

What? I'm okay with everything.

Deuce.

There may be things about me
that you don't like.

I like everything about you.

I mean, physically.

So you're taller than me.
Big deal. I'll get over it.

It's not that.

What?

If you were to find out something
about me and my body that was...

maybe a little different than what you
were used to, would that be okay?

There could be nothing on your body
that I wouldn't like.

What are you talkin' about?

What, you got, like, six toes
or something? I can live with that.

- Deuce, I have to tell you. I have a..
- Shh.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry!

- I tried to tell you!
- No, it's my fault.

I shouldn't have
pulled it so hard.

If you wanna leave,
I completely understand.

I don't wanna leave.
I'm sorry I had that reaction.

I just.. I got a lot of things
going on in my life recently...

and they all sort of culminated
when your leg fell off..

came off.. disconnected.. I..

-Just get out.
- Oh, my God!

Please, leave!

Just go home.

Don't I have a say in this?

- Hand me my leg.
- Then will you come out and talk?

I don't know.

Are you sure you want to stay?

Yes, but only
If you come out of there.

I need to know how you feel
about all this.

The same as I did an hour ago...

when I thought to myself,
"I'm the luckiest guy in the world...

to be with her leg.."

with you.

Ow.

Is this normal?
My face is numb.

It's perfectly normal
in hair replacement surgery.

The local anaesthetic has numbed
the major nerves in your face...

just like at the dentist.

Ow!

You're Kate's best friends, and...

I know your opinions
mean a lot to her, and...

I'd like to get
really serious with her.

- You're a prostitute!
- Not any more.

And it's "man-whore."
Anyway, I just quit.

- I mean, Kate's the one for me.
- Listen.

You were only supposed to go
out with her one night...

show her a good time, and then
get the hell out of her life.

- You know she's not normal.
- She's not like other girls.

You know what her problem is?
Friends like you.

She's perfect. She's kind.

She's sweet, she's funny,
and she likes me.

Now, I came here
to give you your money back...

the money you paid a stranger
to have sex with your friend.

Hey! You stay away
from her, man-whore!

Hi ya, Deuce. Your three days
are up, lover boy.

So where's Antoine's black book?

- I've looked everywhere.
- Listen, punk.

You are aiding and abetting
a known criminal.

Do the initials T and J
mean anything to you?

Uh, turkey jizz?
I don't..

You better show some respect,
or I'm gonna rip that little...

pleasure-giving tongue of yours
right out of your head!

One more thing.

I was at the precinct,
and I really had to use the john...

and it's pretty filthy in there,
and I was in kind of a hurry.

I didn't have enough time to use one
Of those, you know, paper ass gaskets.

Anyway, I was doin' my business,
and, uh...

something splashed up on me,
you know, all over?

What do you do in situations like that?
You think I'll be all right?

- I think you're pretty safe.
- I better be.

Ugly is not a problem
for this guy.

My man would stick his dick
in a he-monkey.

All right, holler at you later.

What up, Deucey?

You should know that cop
won't leave me alone.

- What about the cop?
- He's been asking questions.

Goddamn, white boy.

Anyway, it doesn't matter
to me any more.

- I'm quitting.
- What about Antoine's apartment?

I'm gonna get the rest of the money
the old-fashioned way.

You gonna steal it?

See ya, T.J.

Uh, see, I just quit.
I'm never doing it again.

- You lied to me!
- Listen, please.

- It's not what you think.
- You were paid to go out with me!

- You want breakfast?
- Kate!

Just go away!

- I never want to see you again!
- Me neither.

I'm sorry.

**I feel sad when you're sad**

**I feel glad when you're glad**

**And if you only knew
what I'm goin' through**

**I just can't smile
Without you**

**You came along
just like a song**

**And brightened my day**

**Who'd have believed
you were part of a dream**

**And now it all seems
light years away**

**And you know
I can't smile without you**

**I can't smile without you**

**And I can't laugh
I can't sing**

**I'm findin' it hard
to do anything**

I'm 1500 short. Isn't there
anything else you can do?

Listen, I came all over the place..
down from six grand.

This is a custom hand job.

Let me pay you monthly.

The last time I didn't get the money
up front, I got the big stiffie.

Hello?

What the hell are you doing
picking up my phone?

I found the coral you wanted.

If you're doing anything I disapprove of
in my apartment, I will kill you.

Rip your veins out one by one!

Murder! I will kill you!

Hey, Antoine, it's Elaine.
I really need to see you again.

Same price, same place?

I'll have the money.

Hi. Um, this isn't Antoine but
maybe we can work something out.

Hi.

I'm Deuce.

- Stop.
- Why?

- You don't wanna have sex.
- Yes, I do.

I think we both do.

Don't you find me attractive?

Are you kidding? You're one
Of the hottest women I've ever seen.

Easy, easy.

I just can't do this.

I'm head over heels
for a girl, and...

we're goin' through a rough time,
me bein' a man-whore and all...

but I know it's gonna work out,
because I love her.

She's a lucky girl.

At least emotionally.

- My guy used to be like that.
- Hey.

Hang in there.

Things have a way of working out.

Hey, where you goin'?

Well, I thought we talked
and you understood.

I understand, but the fact is
I still paid for your services.

Then what do you have in mind?

**Baby, let's get together**

**Honey, hon, me and you**

**And do the things
Ah**

**Do the things**

**That we like to do**

**Oh, do a little dance**

**Make a little love
Get down tonight**

**Get down tonight**

**Do a little dance
Make a little love**

**Get down tonight**

**Get down tonight, baby**

**Oh, get down, get down**

**Get down, get down**

**Get down tonight, baby**

**Woo, woo, woo, woo
woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo**

**Get down, get down,
get down, get down**

- I'm exhausted.
- Oh, God, you were amazing.

Are you kidding?

I just had to see for myself.

Kate!

**I'm not in love**

**I'm not in love**

- What?
- How's Elaine?

You know, your wife.

- Bastard!
- Oh!

This wasn't about some black book.

Your wife was a customer
of Antoine's, wasn't she?

That son of a bitch is goin' down,
and you're gonna join him!

How's that gonna fix your marriage?

Look, I lost someone
that I love too.

You know why she did this?

You wanna know why
she went outside our marriage?

It's because of my dick, man!

I mean, that's the reason.
It's my dick!

Look, take it easy.

You're saying your wife cheated on you
because your penis is too small?

It's not too small!
It's too thin! Okay?

My dick is too thin!

I got a thin dick!

Okay, can you keep it down?
I'd like to come back here someday.

Everybody knows that it's width,
width that gives sexual gratification.

I've read it.
Cosmo, Redbook, you name it.

What am I supposed to do?
I got the thinnest penis in the world.

Here.
It's like a Twizzler.

- Look!
- No, no! Stop that!

Look, sit down! Sit!

It's not your dick!
It's you!

I'm tellin' you now, if you painted it
silver and twisted it on the end...

it'd look like a kickstand.

If man-whoring
has taught me anything...

it's that most women are
as unhappy with their entire body...

as you are
with your small penis.

- Thin penis.
- Well, whatever.

While you're worried
about your penis...

Thin penis.

women are worried about their height...

their weight,
their giant feet...

the stream of obscenities...

that could burst through their mouth
at any second.

If you make a woman
feel good about herself...

it really doesn't matter
what's wrong with you.

Even if it's really, really thin?

We're talkin' spaghetti stick.

Tell you what.

Every time you're feeling
self-conscious about your thin dick...

say something nice
to make your woman feel sexy.

I mean, is that it?
Is that all there is?

There is one other thing.

**Do a little dance**

**Make a little love**

**Get down tonight**

**Get down tonight**

**Do a little dance**

**Make a little love**

**Get down tonight**

**Get down tonight**

Uh, yes, sir.

Um, you're sure there isn't
anything you can do?

Yes, sir. I understand.

Listen. I really appreciate
you helping me.

I guess I misjudged you.

Anyway, I got you off the hook.

- Why am I still worried?
- You gotta give 'em T.J.

I can't do that.

You got no choice. I been workin' on this case for three months.

-Boss says somebody's gotta be arrested.
-But T.J.'s my friend.

They're serious, Deuce.

Look, I don't like it,
but it's either you or him.

Your Honour...

sex for money
is morally reprehensible.

Mr. Bigalow has compounded this crime
by refusing to name his he-pimp.

Therefore we ask
for the maximum term for each...

of the five counts
of prostitution.

Excuse me.

We never had sex.

We talked about it.

Well, I talked about it.

But Deuce
never took advantage of me.

He should have,
but he's my friend.

He made me realize
that I wasn't just some...

hot babe with huge tits...

even though I am.

Oh, and he also
got me walkin' again.

Deuce and I never had sex.

- It was physically impossible.
- Freak!

It's true I paid him money
to be with him...

and I'd do it again, because he
made me feel good about myself.

Behemoth.

And no one
ever touched my feet before.

That's a huge bitch!

Deuce taught me to be comfortable
with who I am.

Thank you, Deuce.

You asshole!

These are very serious charges,
Mr. Bigalow.

I just have one question to ask you.

During your entire stint
as a he-whore...

did you have sex with anyone?

Yes, Your Honour.

Just one woman.

- And I'm in love with her.
- Order.

Order, please.

This is very important,
Mr. Bigalow.

Did she pay you for sex?

No.

Case dismissed.

Yes!

These shots will deaden
the nerve area...

where your hair transplants will be.

There. That should do it.

Nurse, would you please remove
our donor hair?

I'll be back in a minute.

Mr. Johnson, please just lie
back down now.

Oh, my God! Deuce!

- Kate, listen to me.
- What are you doing here?

It's the only way
I could get you to see me.

Deuce, it's over between us.

Listen.

Those shots hurt like hell.
Could you at least hear me out?

Well, I don't know how much
you charge by the hour...

but you have one minute.

Okay. I deserved that.

I should have told you
right from the start...

but I was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid that a girl
as wonderful as you...

could never fall for a guy
who cleans fish tanks.

'Cause that's who I really am.

This whole gigolo thing
was just a mistake...

but I'm glad it happened.

'Cause I never would have met you.

I never would have known
what love was.

I'm sorry.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not perfect either.

Yes, you are.

You're perfect in every way.

I knew it the moment I met you.

Kate...

"You have a smile
that could melt an iceberg.

Your lips are as sweet as honey.

You may only have one leg...

but it's the most beautiful leg
in the world."

Are you kissing me?
'Cause I can't feel a thing.

...now boarding at gate 53.

Flight 14 to Sydney, Australia,
is now boarding at gate..

I've never done this
in 12 hours before...

and I'm not responsible
if the seals leak, Deuce.

Shit! Shit cabinet!

Come on, Deucey.
Put the fish in the tank already.

Antoine's plane
landed 20 minutes ago.

I think we're gonna be okay.

Could you step
this way, please?

Is it time to put
the big guy in yet?

Give him another minute.
Temperature's not right.

Spread them again, please.

Okay, we can put
the last fish in.

- Looks like we pulled it off, kid.
- Time for some tequila!

Margaritas, anybody?

I need...

Chinese tail bar lionfish.

- Seven hundred, eight hundred.
- Where'd you get all that money?

- Friends.
- Yeah, right. Anything else?

On second thought, you'd better
give me some of those sea snails.

So, uh, how was your trip?

Very good...

till about three hours ago.

Yeah? What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

The place looks good.

Good to be home.

Well, I should take off
so you can relax.

There's something
you're not telling me?

Yeah. I put your mail
on the nightstand.

Right.

What the hell is this?

A chocolate margarita.

- You've been having a party?
- It was, uh, more like, uh...

a "welcome home" thing, really.

I guess I could really
use one right now.

Spicy.

- I should probably go.
- My fish.

They look smaller.

Sometimes
when they're, uh, sick...

they'll shrink.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy,
fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy.

I did man-whore for a little bit,
but none of your clients.

None of them.

I know an aquarium guy
who can fix all of this.

- He's a little expensive..
- Ha!

Deuce!

No!

- Deuce!
- No!

Hey! Tough guy.
What do you think of this?

You're busted.

What's goin' on out here?

I can see!

You're black.
I knew it.