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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,473
*
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,375
Whoa! The bachelor pad's
3
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,510
looking good, Josh.
Ah, thanks, man.
4
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:12,046
Yeah, I got rid of my
parents' old furniture--
it's nice to sit on stuff
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:14,582
that's not permanently shaped
like my father's ass.
Ah.
6
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:17,185
Yep, looking real good...
7
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,587
(sighs)
from out here.
8
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,356
Oh. I'd invite you in, but...
I guess you're working.
9
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,292
Jerry,
I'm gonna take a ten.
Oh.
10
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,394
(exhales):
Ah.
11
00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:28,429
So, what you got
going on, man?
12
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,298
You're newly divorced,
you're back in New York...
13
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,166
Ooh, if I was you,
this place would be
14
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,634
a revolving door
of one-night stands.
15
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,802
Oh, it will be.
16
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,670
I love me
a one-night stand!
(grunts)
17
00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:39,473
Last one I had was a girl
I took home from IKEA.
18
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,609
Yeah, let's just say that
it was a one-night stand
19
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,612
on a new nightstand,
you know what I mean?
Oh, I know, I know.
20
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,647
Okay, okay, yeah, fine,
give me all the juicy deets.
21
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,649
Uh, okay, okay,
here's one.
Okay. Yeah.
22
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,085
Her name was
Lisa Joan Furman.
Lisa Joan Furman.
23
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,354
We were in a play together
one summer in Williamsburg.
24
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,555
Williamsburg.
Our Town.
25
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,357
I was George.
She was Emily.
26
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,391
Don't care, keep going.
Okay.
27
00:00:57,425 --> 00:01:00,328
Got trashed at the wrap party,
had a wild night...
28
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,863
Nasty.
...then in the morning,
she went home to Orlando.
29
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,565
After a few e-mails
back and forth,
30
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:07,268
we both decided it would be best
if she got back together
31
00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:10,438
with her high school
boyfriend! Ugh! Up top!
32
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,540
Put that down.
33
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,508
That's not a
one-night stand, man.
34
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,179
Jerry, that ten just
turned into a five.
35
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,483
A sad five.
36
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,619
Can you believe I've
never had a one-night stand?
37
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,455
We can.
Easily.
38
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:28,489
What's that supposed to mean?
39
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:29,790
You don't have the...
40
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,725
constitution
for a one-night stand.
41
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,161
Sure I do.
42
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:34,595
No. You're a
serial monogamist.
43
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:37,131
Yeah, high school girlfriend,
college girlfriend,
44
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,467
a string of six-monthers,
and then you married Kim.
45
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,503
Oh, and don't forget your
lifelong love affair with Mom.
46
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:44,738
Great. Well, just 'cause I've
been in a lot of relationships
47
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,907
doesn't mean I can't have
a night of casual sex.
48
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,842
Doesn't it?
I can have casual sex.
49
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,478
Can you?
50
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,180
Of course I can.
51
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,815
And my divorce is an opportunity
for me to reinvent myself.
52
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,485
Yeah, that's right, people--
tonight the kid is gonna do
53
00:01:57,518 --> 00:01:59,520
something he should have done
in his early 20s.
54
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,522
Stop calling
himself "the kid"?
55
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,658
No. Have an actual
one-night stand.
56
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:06,260
Finally.
It's about time
57
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,828
you stopped counting
Lisa Joan Furman,
58
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,564
who, by the way, I banged.
59
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:13,267
You said you just ran
into her at the airport.
60
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,337
No, I said I rammed into her.
61
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:17,838
Whatever.
Tonight, I'm gonna go out,
62
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,940
find some random woman,
and make love to her.
63
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:20,941
(groans)
What?
64
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,942
Don't say "make love."
65
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,877
You're not a white R&B singer.
66
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,246
Why? What are you
supposed to say?
67
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,614
Uh, "do it."
68
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,282
"Get busy."
"Hump."
69
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,350
"Pound."
70
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,384
"Drill."
71
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,885
"Ride."
72
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,854
"Nail."
"Bang."
73
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,456
"Plow."
74
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,457
"Slam."
75
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,459
Should I go?
Shh...
76
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,465
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la... *
77
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,808
Oh, God!
78
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:55,743
What?
79
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,678
We already had bananas.
80
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,647
Well, I didn't know that.
81
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,849
Well, you helped me
unpack them this morning.
82
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,285
That must be
why they were on my mind.
83
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,687
There's no way
we can eat all these bananas
84
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,888
before they go bad.
85
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,723
What a disaster.
86
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,559
Judy, you're overreacting.
87
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:13,627
Well, it's a catastrophe.
88
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,929
You said disaster--
make up your mind!
89
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,931
It's both!
90
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,933
All right, all right,
I'll just throw them out.
91
00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:21,902
Oh, really?
You, Harold Saul Roberts,
92
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,937
are gonna waste
perfectly good fruit?
93
00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:24,972
Watch me.
94
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,747
I can't do it.
95
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,521
*
96
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,457
Man, it's weird
being in a bar this long.
97
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:46,660
In the old days, I would have
gone home with a girl by now.
98
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:48,662
All right, Josh, we're
not paying our babysitter
99
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,964
so that we can
stand here and chitchat.
100
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,667
So point to an ass,
and let us help you tap it.
101
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:54,835
I don't need your help.
102
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,537
Looks like
103
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,672
someone already
likey the Joshy.
104
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:02,376
Wow, that makes me want
to makey the pukey.
105
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,612
I'll see you guys
tomorrow morning.
106
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,580
Hi. How you doing?
107
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:10,418
Hi. Has anyone ever told you
that you look exactly like
108
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:12,653
the guy from that
show, Blind Cop?
109
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:15,723
Uh, what if I told you
I am the guy from Blind Cop.
110
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,391
(laughs):
No way!
111
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,693
My mother and I
loved that show.
112
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,429
Aw. Are you and your mom close?
113
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,697
Ew. Why is he staring
into her eyes like that?
114
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,600
He's probably picturing
her in a wedding dress.
115
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,069
Would it be weird if we
FaceTime my mom right now?
116
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,938
Um, I think it'd be weird
if we didn't.
117
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,006
(giggles)
118
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,708
Wha-What is happening?
119
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:37,645
I think they're syncing up
their periods.
120
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:40,681
I can't wait to meet you,
either, Katie's mom.
121
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,550
Oh, no.
122
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,585
The call dropped.
123
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,054
Look, what are you doing?
FaceTiming the mother?
124
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,890
It's like you're trying
to un-ta that ass.
125
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,493
Luckily for you, Andrew
and I are here to help,
126
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,728
and we both have a lot
of one-night stands
under our belts.
127
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:57,064
Now, the key is to stay
completely detached--
128
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,732
so don't ask
any personal questions.
129
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,734
Or look for common interests.
130
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:03,704
Yeah, and don't caress her arm
or tuck her hair behind her ear
131
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,774
or do any of that other yuck
that comes so naturally to you.
132
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,409
Well, I don't want
to insult her.
133
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,411
Josh, women like
one-night stands
134
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:11,945
just as much as men.
135
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,382
And your assumption
that every girl wants more
136
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,116
is actually a little sexist.
137
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,885
Yeah, Josh.
138
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,588
Okay, okay, I'll give
your way a shot.
139
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,022
Um... all right.
140
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,824
What about that girl?
141
00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:26,394
She's wearing pants--
she's not down to pound.
142
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,862
Okay. Uh...
what about her?
143
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:31,131
That's a guy--
but the way this is going,
144
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,501
we'll put a pin in him
for later.
145
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,403
Oh. There's your girl.
146
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:36,870
JOSH (chuckles):
Oh, yeah.
147
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,606
I'm going over.
148
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,608
All right, and I'll turn my back
so she doesn't think
149
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,443
she's settling for second place.
150
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,080
Hi. How you doing?
Good.
151
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,425
*
152
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,427
(chuckles)
153
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,762
Mmm, this has been fun.
Should we get another?
154
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,698
Sure. Maybe we should get one
back at my place.
155
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,099
Yes, please.
156
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,969
Seriously? I mean, cool.
Whatever. I don't care.
157
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,638
Just gonna
grab my coat.
158
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,906
Grab it, don't grab it--
doesn't matter to me.
159
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,476
So should I not...
No, grab it.
That would be great.
160
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,682
It worked! She's coming
back to my place,
161
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,817
and all because of
your very mean rules.
162
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:26,520
Your place? I would have gone
coatroom, taxi, in an alley,
163
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,556
up against a Dumpster--
those are the classics.
164
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,658
But I get it--
you're easing into this.
165
00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:31,825
It's not a problem
as long as
166
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,994
tomorrow morning
you get her out of there
167
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:35,629
as quickly as possibly.
Right.
168
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,030
Here is
my signature move.
169
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,501
When she wakes up, hand her
a breakfast burrito in a bag,
170
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,570
so she knows
it's time to go.
171
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:45,038
Don't let her accidentally
leave anything behind.
172
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,841
And keep your hands
in your pockets at all times
173
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,877
so there's no danger
of exchanging contact info
174
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,145
or weirdly hugging her.
175
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,715
Okay. Burrito, no leave-behinds,
hands in pockets.
176
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,216
Is cuddling...
177
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,586
Shut your stupid mouth.
Right. Okay, right.
178
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,222
What?
179
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,092
You gave me a
burrito in a bag.
180
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,727
Did I?
181
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,062
Yeah. The morning after
our first night together.
182
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,931
In fact, everything you
just told him to do
183
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,867
is exactly what
you did to me.
184
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:16,904
Was I supposed to be
a one-night stand?
185
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:20,240
Would it bother you if you were?
186
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,610
Uh, yeah, I
think it would.
187
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,044
Then no...
188
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,013
you were not.
189
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,017
*
190
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,891
Do you want to know
why I don't have
191
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,727
a banana in my oatmeal
this morning?
192
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,763
No, but I feel the
answer's coming.
Hmm?
193
00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,765
It's because you created
this banana nightmare,
194
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,500
and I'm not gonna fix it.
195
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,935
Still with the bananas?
196
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,638
Oh, the bananas are
just the tip of the iceberg.
197
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:53,641
You don't pay attention.
Harry?
198
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,808
You don't pay attention,
199
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,711
and it affects me.
200
00:07:57,745 --> 00:08:00,180
Well, you've got
my attention now.
201
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,016
You leave the toilet seat up
in the middle of the night,
202
00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,519
my bare tush dips
into the water.
203
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,788
You put empty
Haagen-Dazs containers
204
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:11,859
in the freezer-- I go
for a spoonful, I'm devastated.
205
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,561
You don't pay
206
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,928
your parking tickets,
207
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,798
so there's a boot on the car
on New Year's Eve,
208
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,767
and I can't go see
my wonderful sister
209
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,069
or her terrible new facelift.
210
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,871
Well, I've always
been forgetful.
211
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,039
Why all of a sudden
does it bother you?
No,
212
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,876
it's bothered me for 50 years--
I just haven't said anything,
213
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,745
because, like in any marriage,
I pick my battles.
214
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,847
What battle haven't you picked?
215
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,618
You once iced me out
for an entire week
216
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:39,720
because you didn't like
the whooshing sound
217
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,589
of my windbreaker.
218
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:42,956
I couldn't take it anymore.
219
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:45,626
I felt like I was married
to a sailboat.
220
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,628
Well, if it means
that much to you,
221
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,129
I'll take care
of the bananas.
222
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,530
Thank you.
223
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,934
Ring, ring!
224
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:56,804
It's for you.
225
00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:58,271
Take a message.
226
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,578
Hmm.
227
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,914
Breakfast burrito?
228
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,015
Oh. Wow, thanks.
229
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,983
Um, could I take it to go?
230
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,785
Sure can.
231
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,189
And I took the liberty
of getting your stuff together.
232
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,594
Well, I don't have to leave yet.
233
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,996
Want to go again?
234
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:26,934
I do, but I'm not sure
if I'm allowed to.
235
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,839
(sighs):
Ah. Morning.
236
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,774
You're in a good mood!
I was worried
237
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,676
you'd still be bummed
about last night.
238
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,911
Oh, you mean about me being
a one-night stand?
239
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,179
No, not at all.
240
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,848
'Cause you know what I realized?
241
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,382
I was being a hypocrite,
242
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,953
as I also intended for you
to be a one-night stand.
243
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,187
(laughing)
244
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,224
What's funny?
245
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:52,860
You left your sweater behind
246
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,895
so you would have a reason
to see me again.
247
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,864
I left my sweater behind
248
00:09:56,897 --> 00:10:00,233
'cause I woke up
with my arms looking swole,
249
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,169
and I thought
it would be a crime
250
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:05,873
to keep these puppies locked
in a cashmere cage.
251
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:07,708
You also sent me flowers.
252
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,076
Yes. Those were
get well flowers,
253
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,744
since I broke your heart
254
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:13,781
and, quite possibly,
your tailbone.
255
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,383
And you e-mailed me
later that same day,
256
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,085
asking when you could
see me again.
257
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,088
Yeah, I did. I wanted to get
my sweater back,
258
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,692
because Josh has wimpy arms
and I thought he could use it.
259
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:32,833
Well, thank you for
the fun night, uh...
260
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,201
Doesn't matter.
261
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,770
But it was fun, uh...
262
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:37,971
Josh.
263
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,807
Honestly, I thought
it was Neal.
264
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,975
Honestly, I love that.
(elevator bell dings)
265
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,677
Okay.
266
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:44,712
Well, uh...
267
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,014
Oh.
268
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,918
Bye.
Bye.
269
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,953
Uh, that was really weird.
270
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:53,921
I don't want to
end on that.
271
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,823
Can we just have
a normal hug?
272
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:56,824
Sure.
Okay.
273
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,992
JUDY:
Josh!
274
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,794
Okay. Good times. Bye.
275
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,262
Come on, come on,
come on, come on.
276
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,164
Ah, who was that?
277
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,365
Nobody.
(chuckles)
278
00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:07,968
Quite a body for a nobody.
Mom.
279
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,103
Fine. You'll tell me later.
I'm going for a walk.
280
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:14,074
Those bananas are staring at me
like I'm the bad guy.
281
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,746
Well, folks.
282
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:21,048
I did it.
I had a one-night stand.
283
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,482
Nice. Tell me everything.
284
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,917
Not much to say.
285
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,218
It was awesome,
and she left
286
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,354
without us learning
a single thing about each other.
287
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:28,856
What about her feelings, Josh?
288
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,824
You ever think about them?
289
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,962
Hey, if I had had sex with her
again this morning,
290
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,429
would it still count
as a one-night stand?
291
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,999
Yeah.
Damn it!
292
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,174
Uh-oh, I know that smile.
293
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,877
You finally did it, didn't you?
294
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,178
I'm not one
to kiss and tell,
295
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,780
but I do whisper.
(whispers): Yes.
296
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,047
Oh, I'm proud of you, boy.
297
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,415
You finally had
a one-night stand,
298
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,050
and it only
took you 50...
40.
299
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,386
40 years, yeah.
How do you feel?
300
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:00,888
Good. I'm never
gonna see her again,
301
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,455
and I couldn't be
happier about it.
302
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,892
Uh-huh. I bet you hit it again
in the morning, too, didn't you?
303
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:06,193
(groans)
304
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,863
It's adorable.
305
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,031
Hey, guys.
Hey, Joshua.
306
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:16,169
Hey, you.
307
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,978
Sometimes when
I finish a banana,
308
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:28,448
I like to chase it
down with one more.
309
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,318
I'm sorry, what
is happening here?
Your father's pushing
310
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,487
his radical banana agenda
on our wonderful new friend.
311
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,824
(chuckling):
Mom, a word?
312
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,492
Yeah.
Excuse us.
313
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,030
What's she doing here?
314
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,364
Oh, it's so funny.
315
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,033
I went downstairs
this morning,
316
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,367
I stepped outside,
I recognized her
317
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,870
from the elevator.
We got to chatting,
318
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,972
we both realized we
were headed downtown,
319
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,207
(laughing): next thing you know,
we're sharing a taxi,
320
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,276
and spending
the whole day together.
321
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,178
What part of
that is funny?
322
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,848
I don't know,
maybe I told it wrong.
323
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,250
Oh, this one
is special, Josh.
324
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,252
I have a really
good feeling about her.
325
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,387
Okay, I'm not looking for
special or a good feeling.
326
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,056
She was a one-night stand.
327
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:10,223
Oh, don't say that.
328
00:13:10,257 --> 00:13:11,224
You don't have
one-night stands.
329
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:12,425
You're a good boy.
330
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,894
Not anymore.
331
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,263
Now I'm a bad boy,
332
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,998
said no bad boy ever.
(sighs)
333
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,266
Well,
334
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,101
I see a real
future for you.
335
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:22,936
Do you know she's a
child psychologist
336
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,305
who builds schools in
Guatemala in the summer?
337
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,908
Wow. That's amazing,
but irrelevant.
338
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,376
I don't want to know
any more about her.
339
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:30,577
She's one and done.
340
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,579
Oh, don't talk
that way about Lily.
341
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:35,983
Lily? Damn it. That's one
of my favorite names.
342
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,851
All right, well,
I'm gonna get going.
343
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,552
I had a really great time
with you today.
344
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:42,022
And I with you.
Don't be a stranger.
345
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:43,290
Yeah.
346
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,326
Listen, Lily...
347
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,295
Before you say anything,
I am so sorry.
348
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,597
I know this was only supposed
to be a one-night stand,
349
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,499
it's just one minute
I'm hailing a cab,
350
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,201
and the next
thing I know,
351
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,103
your mother's my
new best friend.
352
00:13:56,136 --> 00:14:00,307
And I find myself lost in
this, like, daylong Judy...
353
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,342
Vortex.
...vortex.
354
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,878
That's what I've called it
since tenth grade,
355
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,346
when I learned that word.
356
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:08,415
It perfectly describes it.
357
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,449
I know.
358
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,652
Well, I should probably...
359
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,387
Yeah. I totally
have to, uh...
360
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:22,529
Ooh, someone came to play.
361
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,932
Wha... ?
362
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:27,400
Oh, Dad!
363
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,375
Well, thanks for
another fun night.
364
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:38,411
I'll, uh, see you when
I see you... if I see you.
365
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,981
(laughs): Right. Hey, this
time before you hail a cab,
366
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,449
maybe walk a few blocks.
(elevator bell dings)
367
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,583
(chuckles)
You know?
368
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,524
(sighs)
For old time's sake?
369
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,026
Sure.
370
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,066
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
371
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,434
Bye.
Yeah.
372
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,404
You make me sick.
373
00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:05,505
No, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
374
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,007
It's my mother's fault.
375
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,375
Yeah, for raising such a ween.
HARRY: Who's a ween?
376
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,078
Josh. He slept with his
one-night stand again.
377
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,981
Ooh, a repeat customer.
378
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,316
Which means, it is no
longer a one-night stand.
379
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,318
No, no, no. It still counts.
It's just a one-night stand
380
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,421
with the same girl twice.
It's a two-night stand.
381
00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:22,722
What the hell's
a two-night stand?
382
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,158
The start of Josh's next
long-term relationship.
383
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,159
No. No.
384
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,161
He slept with Lily again.
385
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,363
He slept
with Lily again?
386
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:31,298
Oh, God.
387
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,233
Ah, I told him there was
a future for them.
388
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,267
There's no future for us.
389
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,668
Neither of us wants a future.
390
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:38,105
I didn't even get her number.
JUDY: Oh.
391
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,372
I have it.
392
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,274
You do?
Uh-huh.
393
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:42,375
You want it?
394
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,644
No. I do not.
395
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,546
That's too bad,
because she told me
396
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,348
she hasn't been so comfortable
with someone
397
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,417
in a very long time.
398
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,552
Really? I felt comfortable
with her, too.
399
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,655
I know, but since it was just
a wham-bam, thank you, ma'am,
400
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,357
I guess I can get rid of this?
401
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,725
Why do you
have a lighter?
402
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:01,494
It was in my pants
from the Streisand concert.
403
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,198
Do you know what Lily's
favorite movie is?
404
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:06,533
Oh, God. Please don't say
405
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,468
Annie Hall. No!
Annie Hall.
406
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,337
But since you don't want
to see her again.
407
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,105
Stop! I do want
to see her again.
408
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,473
You guys were right, okay?
409
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,375
I'm not a one-night stand
kind of guy.
410
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,476
Obvi.
Duh.
Yeah.
411
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:19,279
Okay, I tried to be,
thought I could be, but I'm not.
412
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,481
I like being in a relationship.
It's just who I am.
413
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:24,451
Of course it is,
because you're not a bad boy.
414
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,686
You're a good boy.
415
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,688
As much as I'd like
to make fun of you right now,
416
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,457
it's recently come
to my attention
417
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,526
that one-night stands
can be rather hurtful.
418
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,762
So, I say go to her, Josh.
419
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:39,032
And when your children ask
how you and Mommy met,
420
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:42,802
you'll have a story
you can tell them proudly.
421
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,672
Yeah, Joshy, call her.
Dial like the wind
422
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,607
and tell her exactly
how you feel.
423
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,543
I say this with love,
but as a family,
424
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,379
you need to grow a pair.
425
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,784
Andrew, come here.
426
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,419
There's something
I have to show you.
427
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,489
I'm trying to wallow.
428
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,691
I thought you'd
let it go by now,
429
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,460
but you've left me
no choice.
430
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,230
(sighs):
All right.
431
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:12,432
This is the e-mail
you sent me
432
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,434
the morning after
we first boned.
433
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,236
So crass.
434
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,805
Sorry-- made bone.
435
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,708
And these are the flowers
you sent me.
436
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,443
And, of course,
the sweater.
437
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,180
Oh, God, I love
periwinkle.
438
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:30,617
See? So this proves
that even though
439
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,652
I thought you'd be
a one-night stand,
440
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:35,155
when you left my apartment
the next morning,
441
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,624
I knew I liked you.
442
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:38,825
Happy?
443
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,460
Thrilled.
444
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,829
But it doesn't prove
that you liked me.
445
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,532
It proves that you
(singsongy): loved me.
446
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,500
No, it doesn't.
447
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,103
You were head over heels
from the second
448
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,538
you laid eyes
on all of this.
449
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,206
Why else would you
keep that stuff?
450
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:56,209
I kept trophies
from all my conquests.
451
00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:59,179
I was like a sexual
serial killer.
452
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:01,314
Please, you loved me.
453
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,749
Why did I show you
this crap?
454
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,551
Huge mistake.
Yeah.
455
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,553
But since we're being
honest with each other,
456
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:08,121
I guess I should tell you.
457
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:12,425
The first time
we made bone...
458
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:15,228
I was making love.
459
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,568
You're a tough one to
figure out, Josh Roberts.
460
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436
One minute you're
super detached,
461
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,238
the next, you're
super cuddly.
462
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,573
Who are you?
463
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,242
(chuckles):
Okay, well,
464
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,644
the truth is,
I wasn't totally
465
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,480
being myself before.
466
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,382
I'm actually more
of a relationship guy, but...
467
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,150
I'm a relationship girl.
468
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,252
You are?
Through
and through.
469
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:42,155
But after so many jerks who
only want one-night stands,
470
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:43,756
I've had to put up
this, like, guard,
471
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,658
and pretend that's
all I want, too.
472
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,295
Well, no more pretending; you
can let your guard down with me.
473
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,263
Oh, such a relief.
474
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,266
Come on out,
lifetime-commitment Lily.
475
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,767
I'm sorry, who?
476
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,536
Oh, that's what my
friends all call me.
477
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:58,638
'Cause you're such
a committed friend?
478
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,474
'Cause I want to get
married, like, yesterday.
479
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,711
Wow, that guard is just
crumbling on down, isn't it?
480
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,713
Can I tell you a secret?
Okay.
481
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:08,715
I hunted your mother down
and made her think
482
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,783
she orchestrated the whole
day, but really, it was me.
483
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,419
Uh-huh...
484
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,653
Can I tell you
another secret?
Sure.
485
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:14,887
I think I love you.
486
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:17,790
Just kidding.
487
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,359
I know I love you.
488
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:23,263
I'm so happy
you know where I live.
489
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,942
How you doing
over there, Harry?
490
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,911
Not great.
491
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,181
I don't know how
monkeys do this.
492
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,787
You know what?
I got this one.
493
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,622
Really?
Yeah.
494
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,225
You're starting to make me sick.
495
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,527
Thank you.
496
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:58,265
And I promise to make
more of an effort from now on.
497
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,236
Ring, ring.
Hello?
498
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,638
That's my girl.
499
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:07,674
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
500
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,677
* Come on,
won't you take me home? *
501
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:17,584
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
502
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,720
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
503
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,523
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
504
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,792
* La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la *
505
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,495
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la *
506
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,730
* Come on,
won't you take me home? *
36443
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