Original subtitles

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

Good evening, Barlow.

Welcome, Mr. Manfred. Nice to see you again.

Well, it's good to be back.

I left my things down at the landing.

You'll fetch them and put them up in my old room?

Yes, sir.

How is my dear brother?

At death's door, sir. I doubt if he'll last the night.

Oh, that's too bad.

Tell him I'm here.

Yes, sir.

Such bad taste.

(CREAKING)

(STRAINED BREATHING)

Stop staring, you fool.

I'm not dead yet.

Mr. Manfred's arrived, sir.

I told him your condition.

I suppose he's giggling in anticipation in his sickening way.

Barlow, how would you like to be a wealthy man?

Well, I'd have no objection, sir.

You have all the qualifications for inherited wealth.

Spineless.

Slavish to superiors.

Arrogant to inferiors.

My will states the value I have placed on your years of faithful service.

Two cents.

Bring Manfred in.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

How are you feeling, Cyrus?

Are you in pain?

Yes.

And it's grown more acute since you entered the room.

We can only hope you're going to a better place.

Personally, I've never believed all those ugly stories

about retribution in the next world.

For your sake, I certainly hope that they're not true.

You'll find out soon enough for yourself.

I've just tried to follow an older brother's example,

but this is no time to reminisce.

There are family matters to settle.

Hmm.

(SCOFFS)

My will is over there,

behind the picture in the safe.

I had the safe designed with you in mind.

Burglar-proof.

That's cruel, Cyrus.

I had a terrible time deciding which relative should get my money.

I hate you all so much.

But, you are my family.

So, one of you gets everything.

Well, naturally, as your only brother, you named me.

Let's just say

I left it all

(LAUGHING) to the smartest.

(LAUGHING STOPS)

I'm sorry, Mr. Manfred.

He just died laughing. Laughing.

If you'll excuse me, sir. I'll notify the attorney, Mr. Warfield.

He'll want to summon the rest of the family.

Oh, yes, of course.

Manfred Carstairs. Indicted 17 times.

Seventeen times?

Never convicted of anything.

Wait till you see the rest of the family.

This is Claudette. She's been married six times,

divorced twice, widowed four times.

Four times? How'd they die?

Probably overdoses of Claudette.

And there's Aunt Tess. She lives in England.

She was convicted of black-marketing during the war.

She's under suspicion of high crimes and misdemeanors.

And here is Andrew Warfield, the Carstairs' attorney.

The legal profession's been trying to disbar him for years.

Who's that?

That's the Carstairs' only niece, Tracy.

She's agreed to let you impersonate her.

The Carstairs family hasn't seen her since she ran away

to join the circus 18 years ago.

Can't say as I blame her, with that family she's got.

Um, what am I after?

An envelope marked "Top Secret."

In it is a formula for a high-speed alloy used in our jet fighters.

Old Cyrus developed it and was about to sell it to us

for 20 million dollars when he died.

One of the members of the Carstairs family has offered it for sale

and foreign powers are offering millions.

We think the will will tell us where the formula is.

Now, that's why I'm sending you to Carstairs Manor

on Lafitte Island.

Carstairs Manor? Lafitte Island?

Oscar, it sounds like an old horror movie.

Igor is not gonna meet me at the door, is he?

I don't know if Igor will be there, Jaime.

But I wouldn't take my eyes off this guy.

Just ahead.

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

Whom

Just a little ways inland.

I'll pay you extra if you take me up there.

No one around here'd be fool enough to set foot on Lafitte Island

and maybe run into the creature.

Creature? What creature?

Well, most think it is just a trick of old Cyrus to scare trespassers away.

What do the rest say?

(PRAYING IN FRENCH)

Unholy things happened in the old days

when Lafitte pirates ruled the swamp.

Me, I don't believe a word of it.

That's encouraging.

(MOTOR STARTING)

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Hello?

Hello?

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Wait a minute. Come on! Stop that!

You should be ashamed of yourself, scaring people like that!

(GRUNTING)

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

(CREAKING)

Hello?

Hello?

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(CLANGING CONTINUES)

Who are you?

I'm Tracy.

Oh, yes, of course.

You're Marcia's little girl.

Well, I'm Uncle Manfred. How are you, my dear?

Not very well at the moment, thank you.

A man scared me half to death on my way from the landing.

Really? And outside in front here,

a very large pot fell and barely missed me.

Well, I'm not surprised.

It's terrible the way Cyrus neglected the place.

It's literally falling down.

At the oddest times.

Yes. Well, I'm delighted to see you again, my dear,

but you've changed almost too much.

Especially your eyes.

There's none of the Carstairs look about them. Strange.

Well, it has been 18 years, Uncle Manfred.

And in speaking of strange things...

Oh, yes, of course. Well, I was just testing the safe.

It's very well-built.

Yes, we can all feel very safe with the will locked up in it.

Well, let me show you up to your mother's old room, hmm?

Are my aunts here yet?

Oh, no, no. You're the first to arrive.

But don't harbor foolish hopes

about any part of the family fortune.

Oh, so the will has been read already?

Oh, no, no.

But he left everything to the smartest among us.

Everybody in the family knows who that is.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I never realized Cyrus admired me so much.

Imagine him leaving me all his money.

You?

Yes. Well, he said the smartest, didn't he?

Well, I'm not saying that Manfred and Tessie are actually retarded,

(CHUCKLING) but they're no whiz kids either.

(LAUGHING)

And these aren't booby prizes, darling.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Warfield, bring the bags.

Bring the bags.

All right.

You, uh...

You wouldn't want to carry... Carry your jewelry

case, would you? No, I guess not. All right.

Come in, Snow White. This is Dopey.

Come in, Snow White. Are you in position yet?

Jaime, how's it going?

Well, pretty bad. There's already been an attempt on my life.

Listen, if it's that dangerous, you better get out of there.

How? The water around this island is filled with snakes and alligators,

and this house is filling up with Carstairs.

(LOUD CRASHING) (MAN YELLING)

Wait a minute, Oscar.

(GASPS)

Oh, get up, Warfield.

It was only a glancing blow.

Manfred and Cyrus got me several times when we were children.

(GRUNTING)

Warfield and Claudette just got the same reception I did.

Look, Oscar, I think that the formula is in Cyrus' safe.

I'm gonna go after it now.

All right, but be careful.

And watch out for those Carstairs.

Just think. By tonight all of this will be mine.

How sweet of dear Cyrus to leave everything to me.

If he'd said the most beautiful I would have known he meant Claudette.

She's really quite pretty, in a tawdry sort of way,

but it took more than the gaudy to sway dear Cyrus.

Oh!

We did agree on $50 for the trip, didn't we?

Well, you said 100. Otherwise, I would not have come.

Oh...

Here. Here.

Have a safe trip back.

(BOAT MOTOR REVVING)

You frog.

(LOCK CLICKING)

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

(GRUNTING)

That's you, Manfred. I know it is!

Stop the nonsense and come out at once.

We're not children any longer, you know, Manfred.

Stop trying to scare me.

(GRUNTING)

Very well. Two can play at that game.

(EXCLAIMING)

(FOOTSTEPS RETREATING RAPIDLY)

That'll teach you!

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(LOCK CLICKING)

Just what are you doing, girl?

She was just trying to cheat us.

Just like you were trying to do.

(CHUCKLES) How about you, Manfred?

Those marks on that metal weren't made by any woodpeckers.

Don't move, anybody. What's going on here?

Who's she?

Oh, that's our niece. Tracy.

Aunt Tess and Claudette.

Would you believe when I first saw her,

I didn't think that she was one of us.

Not much family resemblance.

None at all.

Well, she doesn't look like us, but...

She certainly acts like us.

A Carstairs, through and through. Welcome aboard.

Sweet darling. Come, let me take you to your room.

My goodness, the circus certainly has an effect on your clothing.

Still working in the sideshow?

Come in, Snow White. OSCAR: Hello, Dopey.

I'm not Dopey anymore. I'm Grumpy,

and I haven't got the formula.

However, I have been accepted as a Carstairs.

Somehow, Jaime, I knew that you'd fit right in.

Now that's a rotten thing to say.

Oscar, these people are homicidal.

They're trying to knock each other off.

It wouldn't surprise me a bit if they all stole the formula.

Well, they all know how high the stakes are.

My information tells me that the formula hasn't been delivered yet,

so it still must be in the house.

Well, they're gonna have the will reading right after dinner,

so I should know something soon.

Good. I'll move in when you tell me.

You got it.

(GRUNTING)

(MUTTERING)

WARFIELD: Fifty left...

Uh-huh.

Right 13.

Wait a minute.

Yes.

Nothing but this!

Here, that's for you.

Well, he put his will on a TV cassette.

Huh.

He wanted to tell us what was in it personally.

Why, there's no television set in this house.

Oh, yes, there is, Miss Claudette.

Why was it kept locked?

He didn't want the servants wasting time watching it.

Oh, but you had the key, hmm?

Oh, your easy days are over, Barlow.

Turn it on, huh? All right, watch and weep.

CYRUS: My dear family...

Oh, Cyrus, Cyrus. Hello, hello, wherever you are.

Doesn't he look wonderful?

All things considered, a most handsome man.

Manfred.

Tess.

Claudette.

(COUGHING)

You aren't even mentioned, darling.

You and Marcia's little girl,

what's-her-name,

are my family,

and so you all have a crack at my fortune.

Back to the races, darling.

I tried to give you all equal chances

to prove who is the smartest.

Hidden somewhere here in this house is a safe-deposit box

containing various valuable papers

and the stock certificates to all my companies.

I'm making it winner-take-all

to the one who finds it.

Forgive me, Cyrus.

For a moment, I actually thought well of you.

So, a scavenger hunt will have to pick

the fittest to replace me as head of the family.

Hopefully, it will be the best, the smartest, luckiest,

or perhaps, if I know my dear family, (CHUCKLES)

just the survivor.

Oh, well, Warfield is allowed in the hunt, too,

because he has proven over so many years

that he can't do anything right anyway!

Now, here are all the clues that you will need to find the box.

”'The time has come", the Walrus said

”'To talk of many things

”'Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax

”'And cabbages and Kings

”'And why the sea is boiling hot

”'And whether pigs have wings

”'And why the fun when time has run

”'and stopped its tired fling?'”

(CHUCKLING)

All right, scavengers, start your hunt.

(SCOFFS)

Just the kind of childish thing I'd expect of him.

A really flawed mind.

But I don't understand. What does it mean?

Well, it's from Lewis Carroll,

but I'm afraid Uncle Cyrus wrote the last line himself.

Well, the only thing we can do is go along with his stupid game.

MANFRED: ”'The time has come", the Walrus said.

CLAUDETTE: Ships? Shoes?

TESS: ”Fun when time has stopped?”

JAIME: Cabbages... - Boiling hot...

WARFIELD: Pigs with wings?

Shall we be civilized for once and agree on some ground rules?

Like what?

Well, we don't want to be stumbling over each other in the dark.

Let's start the hunt at say, 6:00 am, hmm?

That's a wonderful idea.

Very fair.

Fine.

Okay by me. Huh.

See you at 6:00 sharp.

CLAUDETTE: Well, no hurry. I'll have breakfast before I start.

Oh, that's a capital idea.

If I oversleep, be sure and wake me.

(YAWNING)

Sleep well, all.

A good night's sleep will be wonderful. Goodnight, everybody.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Sounds like everybody decided to get up a little early.

Somebody got my radio.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

lam gonna have to stay one jump ahead of these Carstairs.

(GRUNTS)

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

(CREAKS)

JAIME: Wings, pigs, boiling hot...

It's the kitchen.

(CHIMING)

CLAUDETTE: Shoes, shoes! Shoes?

WARFIELD: Sealing-wax.

A letter!

MANFRED: Cyrus always was a pig and he did take wings from here.

(SIGHING)

”The Walrus said, 'To talk of many things'”

Talk? Talk. Talk...

Could it mean the television set?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(CUCKOOING)

WARFIELD: Kings...

Ah! I saw it first!

You did not!

Will you let go of it, you old bat!

(SHATTERING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh! Nothing.

(SIGHS)

Well, here, you can take it, but the next clue is mine.

Tess, I've already checked the kitchen.

Smart girl.

And now, why don't you go and help Warfield search the living room.

(MUFFLED SCREAM)

Mr. Warfield?

Mr. Warfield?

Well, so much for kings.

(LOUD BANGING)

Get out!

This is the only ship in the house and it's mine!

Well, I just came in to see if you were all right.

Well, close the door!

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING) (CLAUDETTE SCREAMS)

Claudette?

(SCREAMS)

Is there something wrong, Miss?

Well, Aunt Claudette just disappeared.

Oh, she's been doing that for years, Miss.

The first time was when she married the Polish count.

And then she just dropped out of sight when she met the Buenos Aires gentleman.

No, no, no. She just disappeared from that room!

Hmm. Was there a gentleman with her?

(SIGHING) Where is Uncle Manfred?

I think he's in the attic.

The attic?

Yes, he remembered the fine wood carvings

on the ceiling of the master bedroom and asked me if we'd ever waxed them.

I told him, "Well, sometimes we touched them up."

Then he just shouted, "Ceiling wax!"

And ran up into the attic.

Will that be all, Miss?

Thank you.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Stop! Don't move, girlie.

What have you done with Claudette and Warfield?

What are you talking about?

I saw everything.

I left him in the drawing room.

He disappeared after you had been in there.

The same thing happened to Claudette.

You're young, but you're all Carstairs.

Did you realize that I had solved the puzzle

and you came back to get me, too?

What?

Look at it. It hasn't rung for years.

"And why the fun when time has run

"and stopped its tired fling."

I know the secret's in it somewhere.

Turn around.

What're you gonna do?

Just turn around.

(STAMMERING) Well, can I please just tell you why I came here?

Tess?

Tess!

You're next, my dear.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

JAIME: The formula has got to be in this crazy house somewhere.

Now, what have we got?

"And whether pigs have wings

"And why the fun when time has run..."

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

(GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey! What...

Tracy, what are you doing?

There is a man behind that wall!

How unusual.

Well, not for this house, it isn't.

And by process of elimination, it must be Barlow.

Barlow? Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That lazy oaf wouldn't dare compete with... Well, who else could it be?

You can't be in two places at one time

and everyone else has disappeared.

Is it possible you could be right?

Tracy, I'm not one to share,

but there's a first time for everything.

For safety's sake, I think we'd better cooperate.

What's on your mind?

What would you want if we found that box together?

There is an envelope that's probably just among his personal papers.

You may have all the rest.

What's so valuable about that envelope?

I am a philatelist.

A philate-what?

I'm a stamp collector.

Oh!

Do we have a deal?

Partners.

Let's pool our knowledge.

Hell, I took the attic apart. There's nothing up there.

Okay. Claudette found the only ship in the house.

So, I think that's a red herring.

And Warfield found the only thing that looks like a king.

Now, I myself went through the kitchens and there are no cabbages.

So, okay, maybe Tess was right.

Could it have anything to do with that clock?

Oh, no. No, Cyrus would never hide it in as obvious a place as that.

What time is it?

It's almost 8:00.

It's 8:00.

And kings on the chessboard!

Maybe that's the kind of king he was talking about.

Could be.

What is that? Is that supposed to be

light coming down through a window or something?

Looks like it.

Okay, so we've got 8:00 and light.

Eight o'clock. Light coming through a window...

Makes a chessboard on the floor!

What position is that king?

Uh. Queen three.

Okay, I don't know anything about chess. Can you show me where...

Sure.

Stand on it, please? There.

Is there anything down below there?

The old family burial crypt.

There's a stairway leading down to it in the back hall.

This is about where queen's three would be. We should be right under it.

Without the sun, time has stopped for it, too.

Help me with this. Okay.

(GRUNTING) I'll get a crowbar.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

I got it!

Well, how did you...

JAIME: And here is - Uncle Cyrus' box.

Well, look at that!

Well, we found it. Isn't that right, partner?

Guess so.

Silly girl.

I was talking to my real partner.

The butler did it?

Well, actually, we did it together.

I made an arrangement with Barlow before Cyrus was even cold.

He caught Tess and Warfield and I got poor Claudette...

And you.

What're you doing?

Did you think I'd settle for more scraps from the Carstairs table?

The old man wanted to sell the formula to the government,

but he got plenty of other offers before he died,

so I made a deal for it.

They're waiting to hear from me now.

Barlow, remember your place.

Move.

Move!

Sir?

Huh.

Down to the end of the corridor.

Barlow, you horrid man! Get us out of here.

I'll pay you back for this, Manfred!

I am suing everybody for every dime in the estate!

Inside!

I suppose you realize this means you're discharged!

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

(SIGHS)

This is Barlow, sir. I have the goods.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) - Splendid. We'll be there shortly, as agreed.

There's something else you must do for me, too.

Yes, what is it?

Dispose of several persons.

My friend, for that formula we'll do anything you want.

CLAUDETTE: It's all your fault, Manfred.

Completely and totally.

Triple damages! I am naming everyone as accessories.

What do you mean, it's my fault?

Don't go blaming me for the servant problem.

You know, this looks awfully old. It might break easily.

Oh, don't be stupid. It's solid.

Cyrus and I found them when we were kids.

They were the chains Lafitte held his prisoners with.

We used to have lots of fun

tying up the governess with them.

Well, I still think a link or two might've rusted through.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

However you did that, I'm glad you're on my side.

Your side?

I just might need you, but can I trust you?

You have my word of honor.

(LAUGHING) Hmm.

That and 10 cents would get me a dime.

Don't be cruel, Tracy. There's a lot of Cyrus in you.

Help me find Barlow.

Sure.

(YELLING)

Where's the envelope?

All right, so you've got the gun. I'll search him.

No, you don't.

Well, then you give me the gun and you search him.

No. No.

Checkmate.

(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)

Well, that must be his contact.

Look, you Carstairs may be rotten, but these people are really killers.

You treacherous scum. How much did they offer you to betray me?

Ten million dollars.

Ten million dollars! Really?

You did say 10 million dollars?

Manfred, come on, now, these people that are coming here,

they're very dangerous.

Do you think that they know what he looks like?

Could they possibly have met?

Oh, I can't see how.

Cyrus didn't give him a day off in 30 years.

Okay. You and I are gonna take a chance.

Come on. Get up.

(SIGHING) Ten million dollars.

(BLOWS)

Tracy, surely you're not going to leave us here any longer?

Don't you owe us some loyalty?

Loyalty?

You were going to put me away.

Well, if you're going to hold grudges.

Some people are like that,

always dwelling on the past.

I didn't do anything!

Don't you try and make me feel guilty,

any of you, because it's not going to work.

All right. All right, I will.

But you had better do exactly what I tell you.

Don't you trust us?

(MIMICKING TESS) Oh, about as far as I can throw you.

No, I don't trust you that far.

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

Good day.

You're Barlow?

Yes, of course.

Where's the money?

It's deposited in the Swiss bank, as per our agreement.

You'll get the number of the account when we get the formula.

Very good.

Where are the people you want taken care of?

They're waiting for you.

Call me a sensitive fool, but I just can't bear to watch.

Excuse you, Man.

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Nice work, Manfred. I guess I was wrong about you, after all.

Where'd he go?

He went out there.

Why should I be surprised!

(BIONIC POWERS ACTIVATING)

Tracy! Oh, thank heaven you're safe.

Oh, yes.

Oh, Tracy, to the shallow mind I know that this looks incriminating,

but in deeper retrospect,

I'm sure you'll understand my worry about you

and why I was rowing for help.

(CHUCKLES)

And so, Barlow and his contacts are all in jail.

What's gonna happen to the Carstairs fortune?

Well, it's up to the courts to decide, of course,

but my guess is Tracy will get it all.

Tracy?

Yeah. Old man Cyrus left it to the smartest Carstairs, right?

Yeah?

And it's a good argument that the smartest Carstairs

wouldn't come within 1,000 miles of the place.

Amen.

And she got the OS! to have somebody go in there and get it for her.

Smart girl. Not dumb. Smart girl.

Here's to you, babe.

You did good.

I'll drink to that.

Oscar, (CHOKING) they have escaped!

They're sitting down right there behind us!

Uh, Jaime, I, um...

I've gotta tell you something.

I had to let them go.

Let them go?

Well, you see, the Carstairs wouldn't testify against each other,

and since they did help you capture Barlow...

Well, yes, but...

Pardon.

The gentleman asked if he and his party might join you?

No. No, thank you very much.

You'd think after all we've done for her,

she'd let bygones be bygones.

Oh, look at that outfit.

Glad she's going back to the sideshow.

The silly girl, she just wants us to coax her into accepting our apology.

Oh, very well. Let's go.

Oscar, they're coming over here.

Those nuts are coming over here to this table anyway.