All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E20.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

Yes. That was suave.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening to you all.

Thank you very much.

Anyway, anyway, uh...

let’s, uh--that’s very nice.

That band is terrific.

Anyway, we are back.

And Ed, you know,
I just realized

that that’s the last time
I’ll be saying, "We are back."

It feels, uh,
it feels a little weird.

Yes!

( cheering and applause )

Now, uh, for those of you
who are just--are joining us,

this is our final show,
and Ed is drunk.

You are correct, sir.

Yes! ( laughs )

He was holed up in his office
for an hour before the show,

and this is, uh, sort
of what happened.

I guess everyone
has their own way,

of sort of dealing
with changes.

( chuckles )
Feeling no pain, sir.

Totally blitzed, O Great One!

Yes! ( laughs )

Anyway...

this has been a fun week.

Clint Eastwood visited us,
Queen Elizabeth,

Dom DeLuise was here.

But tonight,
it’s just me and Ed, uh,

we’re sort of sitting back,

taking stock
of the past 30 years.

That we are,
O Out-of-focus One.

( chuckles )

I’m right here, Ed.

For those of you
who don’t know,

when alcohol
enters your bloodstream,

it can sort of, uh,
tend to blur your vision

and that was--
what Ed was referring to.

( chuckles )
Yes!

Anyway, all right.

Well, we’re winding down

and, Ed, you know,
we’ve had a lot of fun tonight,

- and, uh--
- No!

No?

I just wanted to see
what it would be like

to disagree with you once.

- I see. Are you finished?
- Yes! ( laughs )

All right, well,

all week long, we’ve been, uh,
carrying some taped greetings

from some friends of the show,
and tonight we’ve got some

from the other, uh,
late-night personalities.

So just--you in the studio,
just watch your monitors.

Hey, hey, Johnny, hey listen,
we’re all gonna miss you.

You know, I mean, it’s terrible.

( deep voice )
I mean, it’s great for me,
but, you know--

I mean, it’s a terrible thing
that you’re not gonna be on--

I mean, it’s great
that I’m the one who, you know--

( deep voice )
If someone had to be the one!

But still, it’s just really--

You, you’re the one man.

You’re the man!

There will never be another.

You are the man!

You.

Johnny, babe, I can’t even
put this into words, huh?

I mean, this is your gig, man.

Compared to you, we’re all like
the second Darren

or that blonde guy who took
Barbarino’s place on Kotter!

I mean,
what was that all about, huh?

You’re the king, babe.

I mean, I’m not trying
to be obsequious here,

but you’re a class man.

I don’t even make
a visceral play.

I’m hovering around
the whole Newton’s Apple,

This Old Houseslot.

I’m not even Vila,
for crying out loud.

I’m the new guy with the whole
Bob Balaban, Austin Pendleton.

I’m not getting anything,
Johnny.

( makes sound )

( laughter )

Well, that...
( cheering and applause )

It was, um...

Um...

Well, that was weird,
wild stuff.

I guess they’re big fans
of mine.

I did not know that.

( laughter )

Anyway, we are here,

and these are our final
two minutes together here, Ed,

and, um, I’ve got to say,
it feels a little bittersweet.

Yes, sir. ( sniffles )

I mean, we’ve been together
since, what, the ’50s?

And, uh, you know,
I’m getting a little choked up

- just talking about it.
- Emotions running high. Yes.

( laughter )

It is wild stuff.

Well, I wanted to take
these last few minutes, Ed,

to say some things
I never really had the chance

to, uh...
( music plays )

I, uh...

David Brenner is here.

- David Brenner, everybody.
- Hey!

I, uh...

All right, Johnny,
this is some night, huh?

Yeah, David Brenner, yes.

Well, uh, it’s nice to see you,

- but I just have two minutes
to go, and I, uh--
- Oh, no, no.

I know! Look, I just have
to come one more time.

I mean,
this is my 236th appearance.

It’s pretty amazing, huh?

Well, look, uh, David, I just
had a few things I wanna say

- to Ed before I go.
- Yeah, sure.

Just look, I’m just here.

- ( chuckles )
- All right.

Um, oh, Ed,
I wanna say that, uh--

you know that time we moved
the show from New York to L.A.?

- Yes!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I remember that.

- Anyway, there were rumors
I was gonna replace you?
- Yes.

Oh, yes! Yes! That’s right.
( music plays )

Well, I just wanted to say, Ed,
that it was, um, not--

Hi, Johnny.

Joan Embrey.

I just had to come on
one more time.

You remember Irving,
the cockatoo?

- Yep, yep.
- He was your favorite.

Yeah, well, look, um--
All right, just have a seat.

I’m talking to Ed right now,
Joan, as a matter of fact.

Oh, I see you’ve brought
a whole kit and caboodle here.

Oh, yeah,
I have a tiger cub here.

- How about this?
- He’s adorable!

- Hi, Ed.
- That’s right.

Well, it’s been 30 years and
I just have one minute to go.

And Ed, I want you to know,
I never reconsidered, um...

( Irving squawks )

replacing you, and I, um--
( tiger cub growls )

I mean, you and I
are like steaks and A-1 Sauce.

We’re like, uh,
Dolly Parton and--

Joan, could you--is there
any way you could kind of--

That’s Irving. I’m just afraid
he’s upsetting the tiger cub.

Oh, boy, here we go.
Oh, God.

- Oh, no. That’s, uh...
- Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy. That’s, uh...

- That’s, uh...
- Oh, my God!

He shouldn’t drink
before the show.

That’s, uh--

Anyway, Ed, uh, can we just--

( screams )

Get him off me! Get him off me!
( snarling )

- ( screams )
- Say "Uncle", kitty!

That’s why...

( tiger cub roaring )

I did not think our last show
would end this way.

Not we intended---

( screams )

Well, if you’re just tuned in,
Ed is, uh..

Ed? I guess it’s a good thing
you’re drunk.

Too drunk to be scared.
Yes, sir.

Anyway--

Before we go,
I’ve got one more thing to say.

And I hope I’m not saying it
for the last time,

and that is,
"Live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Melanie Hutsell...

Robert Smigel...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Vanessa Williams...

and starring Woody Harrelson.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Woody Harrelson.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you. Thank you.

- Man: Woody!
- ( chuckles )

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I’m--I’m speechless.

All right, all right,
thank you.

Okay, that’s enough.
Thanks, thanks.

You know, it’s really good
to be here tonight,

you know, for the season finale
of Saturday Night Live.

The show’s been on for 17 years,
which is interesting,

because 17 years ago today,
I was 13.

Anyway, you know, I wrote a song
for Saturday Night Live

to thank--for the honor
of letting me do the show,

and for the pleasure
it’s given me over the years.

Uh, G.E. Yeah.

- Here you go, Woody.
- You know--thank you, G.E.

- All right, buddy.
- All right.

You know, a lot of hosts
come out here,

and they use this opportunity
to talk about what they’re doing

or promote a movie,
or you know, whatever.

And I’m not saying those people
are vain, you know,

but sometimes,
they get a little self-involved,

a little consumed
with their success, you know,

with the Hollywood lifestyle,
with material stuff, you know?

But I’m not about that.

You know, my life
is about entertaining people,

about making people laugh,
and that’s enough for me,

all right?

( guitar plays )

You know, just to be doing
a show like Cheers,

which is considered
one of the greatest shows

in the history of television
in this planet, you know,

I don’t feel the need
to have my ego stroked.

( guitar plays )

You know, for example,
you know, I don’t understand

why actors are so infatuated
with awards.

I mean, you could go
to my house in Beverly Hills,

and you could search
through room after room

after room after room
after room,

and even check the guest house
in the back,

and you wouldn’t find
my American Comedy Award

or my Emmy
for Best Supporting Actor.

You know, it’s not like
I put them up on my mantel.

They’re in my mountain home.

( guitar plays )

Thank you.

You know, a lot of people think,

because White Men Can’t Jump
was a box-office smash

that suddenly,
I’m gonna be less approachable.

You know, I mean,
there’s no way.

I treat everyone
like I would wanna be treated,

and I insist
that my bodyguards do the same.

( laughter, applause )

( guitar plays )
So what I’m saying

is, you know, it’s good
to be on Saturday Night Live.

And it’s been on the air
for 17 years,

and it’s
a television phenomenon.

And I love these people,
they’re almost like family

and that’s why I wrote
this song.

( guitar plays )

( chuckles )

* It’s good to be
On Saturday Night Live *

* It’s been on the air
For 17 years *

* And it’s
A television phenomenon *

( laughter )

* I love these people *

* They’re almost like family *

* And that’s why I wrote
This song *

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, you people
have impeccable taste.

You know,
that’s all I had time for,

but you know, I’m an artist,

and you can’t force
the creative process.

You know,
we’ve got a great show tonight,

Vanessa Williams is here,
and we’ll be right back!

( cheering and applause )

* Action Cats *
( growls )

Announcer:
Uh-oh, it’s the big cat

with the big guns!

Wow!

But he’s no match
for Missile Missy.

Yeah, yeah, fire!

Fire!

* Action Cats *

And look out
because here comes Stego-Puss.

* Action Cats *

Both: All right!

Collect all 22 Action Cats
including Skele-Kitty,

Laser Gal, Cat-Atomic,

Spider Cat, and all the rest,
then you’ll say--

Both: Action Cats are awesome!

Buy now and get
a free Mini-Mite.

( growls )
* Action Cats *

Action Cats by Kidco.

Batteries and cats
sold separately.

( cheering and applause )

Ah, what a perfect day.

- Oh, yeah!
- It’s great.

- It is beautiful.
- Time to catch a few rays, huh?

- I hear you.
- Yeah.

- Ah, oh, that feels good.
- Yeah.

Ah.

What’s the matter, Sully?
Take your shirt off.

I mean,
don’t you wanna get some color?

Well, I don’t know, I--

Come on.
The sun’s boiling.

Well, as you know,
I have a slight weight problem

and I don’t exactly love
the idea of taking my shirt off

and exposing my fatty fats
to the rest of the beach.

- Thank you. I mean--
- Get out of here.

No one would even care.

I mean, come on, the beach
is for getting tanned.

You got to take your shirt off,

and believe me,
you’re not that heavy.

And I’m sure you’d look
just fine without your shirt on.

- You really think so, Brian?
- Yeah, of course.

Come on, take your shirt off.
Enjoy.

Ah, okay, Brian, I will.

Hey, hey. You look great.

You know something, Brian?

I feel great.

- ( grunts )
- Oh!

Whoa, man. You nut.

It feels good? The sun?

It feels warm, warm on my skin.

Yeah.

- Warm on the skin?
- Yeah.

It must feel great.

Well, take your shirt off,
find out.

No, no, no, I can’t.

Thanks, that’s all right,
though.

What do you mean?
Take off your shirt.

It’s too nice out here.

No, no, no.
I’d rather not. It’s--

What?

Ah, it’s just that I,
you know...

well, my body is kind of hairy.

It’s a little embarrassing,
you know.

Hairy? So what?

Girls love hair on guys.

I’ve got a lot of hair.

The more the merrier.

Look at Andy Garcia
or Alec Baldwin.

Total hair.

Really?
Girls--girls like hair?

Yeah.

So hairy bodies are good?

Definitely.

Well, then why should I keep
my shirt on?

( laughter )

Do I look hairy?

( hisses )

Did Burt Reynolds
just ask me a question?

No.

’Cause you look just exactly
like Burt Reynolds.

I am. I am Burt Reynolds.

- I thought you were.
- ( chuckles )

I’m just kidding, Brian.
It’s me Jerry.

Ah, Jerry, you got me.

- I love the sun on my skin.
- Yeah.

- I just love it.
- Hey, it looks like it’s fun
having your shirt off

- in the sun.
- Oh.

It is fun, Charlie.
It’s a whole lot of fun.

Oh, boy,
I don’t know what to do.

What do you mean
you don’t know what to do?

What you do is,
you take your shirt off.

- It’s as simple as that.
- Oh, no, no, not me.

Thanks, but no thanks.
That’s--

Charlie, take off your shirt.
What’s with you?

Well, I--I just--I got
kind of funny belly button.

- I don’t think that--
- What?

Well, it’s kind of an outie.

- I don’t think I should--
- An outie?

Who’s even gonna look
at your belly button, Charlie?

I mean, come on.

Well, okay, here we go,
but this is--it feels silly.

It’s just--it’s--
( chuckles )

( laughter )

Does it look bad?

Does what look bad?
Oh, that? No!

What, no, it looks fine,
you can’t even notice it.

Hey, can I put a bun
and some mustard on that thing?

I’m getting kind of hungry.
( laughter )

- Hey.
- Come on, pal, beat it.

Later, freaks.

Maybe I should put my shirt
back on--

No, no, no,
your outie is cool.

Yeah. No, it’s very European.

( laughter )

- Yeah.
- It is cool, my outie.

It’s the coolest outie
in the world.

Yeah, yeah, finally,

you’re getting a little sun
on your outie.

( laughter )

Hey, Brian? Brian?

Do you think I should take
my shirt off?

Oh, definitely, Steve.

- Everybody’s doing it.
- Okay.

( laughter )

Do they look funny?

My breasts?

What? No, they look great.

No, they don’t.
They look funny.

These are incredible areolas.

Do you have any idea how much
someone would pay for those?

I know.

But they’re pretty on women,
not men.

Well, now that’s--
that is sexist, Steve.

Are you a sexist?

Well, no, but--

Well, what you’re saying to me

makes me think
maybe you’re a sexist.

Well, I’m not a sexist.

- I’m a man, and I have breasts!
- Right!

Yes, and the sun feels
pretty darn good on my breasts.

- Real good!
- Good.

Yes. Long live men
with breasts.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Brad, why don’t you take
your shirt off?

Uh, no,
I just had an operation,

and, you know, it looks--
it looks a little messy.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that baboon heart transplant.

- Yeah, that’s right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, hell, you got
to take your shirt off sometime,

why not now?

- Do you think so?
- Definitely.

I mean, look how much fun
the other guys are having

with their shirts off.

( laughter )

Yeah.

I think--I think you’re right.

I’m gonna take off my shirt.

Oh.

Oh!

The sun feels good
on my baboon heart.

Ugh!

I am gonna be sick!

What the hell is that?

It’s my heart.

- I got it from a baboon.
- Ugh.

Well, why don’t you give it back
to that ape over there?

Hey.

- Ladies, just leave us alone.
- Hey?

Weren’t you the cover
o n Jugs Magazinethis month?

Congratulations.

- Hey, that’s not fair.
- Ugh.

Hey, guys, I’m sorry.

I didn’t realize
that would happen.

It’s all right,
it’s not your fault.

Hey, there’s someone else.

Hey, you guys,
what are you doing?

You’ve got
to keep your shirts on.

We’ve got to keep our shirts on?

Yeah, yeah,
because of the Ozone hole,

skin cancer
is at an all-time peak.

You’ll die.

You mean we should put
our shirts on?

- Yes, you should.
- All right.

* For he’s a jolly good fellow
For he’s a jolly good fellow *

* For he’s a jolly good fellow *

( cheering and applause )

Hi, George.

Oh, hey!
Steve, Marcy, come on in.

- ( sighs )
- Oh, wow!

Marcy,
you’re really coming along.

- How much longer?
- Three weeks!

Uh, could you please put out
that cigarette, George?

It’s okay, sweetie.

Well, it’s okay for us,

but it’s not okay
for that little guy in there.

He’s breathing the same air
you’re breathing.

Now come on, I’m serious,
please.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry,
all right.

- Thanks.
- You’ll have to excuse, Steve.

He’s kind of a fanatic
about this.

Well, there’s nothing fanatic
about wanting a healthy child.

- Oh, I’m gonna go pick up Molly
at her play group.
- ( sighs )

Honey,
they’re not done until noon.

I know, but the other parents
come in early,

and a lot of them have colds,
you know.

Anyway, I’ll be back soon.

Bye, honey.

( sighs )

( scoffs )
Mr. Worrywart, huh?

- Yeah, he won’t even let me
drink coffee.
- Well, that’s too bad.

I was just having a little cup
myself, a little Irish coffee.

Oh, smells really good.

Hey, actually,
wouldn’t Irish coffee be okay?

I mean, I think the alcohol
and the caffeine

will probably
just cancel each other out.

I never thought of that.

I bet you’re right.

- Absolutely.
- Neat.

There you go,
to the tippy-top.

All right, don’t worry about it,
it’s our little secret.

I won’t tell Steve.

- Okay.
- Okay.

It seems a little cold, though.

Could you warm it up
in the microwave for me?

Well, not unless you can help me
fix it, you know?

I’ve been trying to glue
something back on in the back,

but my fingers
won’t reach around.

Oh, I’ll give it a try.

( gasps ) Airplane glue!

( sniffs ) Oh, I always love
the smell of this!

- Yeah.
- ( sighs ) It makes me
a little lightheaded, though.

Okay, let me see
what I can do.

All right.

It’s in the--do you see
the part back there?

Yeah.
( electricity crackling )

Near the power.

I think I got it.

Yeah. Yeah, you got it.
The power’s back on.

All right, thanks a lot.

Oh, good.

I love to fix things,

only Steve
doesn’t let me do anything

around the house any more.

- Yeah.
- What’s this?

Oh, this?
Well, that’s my old car battery.

I’ve been meaning
to take it downstairs

but it’s pretty heavy,
and, you know,

my back’s been bothering me.

I’ll take it down for you.

Oh, really?
That would--that would be great.

- You sure you don’t mind?
- No.

- I haven’t done exercise
for a really long time.
- All right.

Well, okay, watch out,
the light’s broken down there.

Okay. ( chuckles )

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hey, are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I think my stomach
broke the fall.

Hello. I’m Jon Lovitz.
( applause )

That was my mother 30 years ago.
( laughter )

Fortunately, in my case,
everything turned out all right.

I was lucky.

But if you are
an expectant mother or father,

please be careful.

Oh, and don’t miss the Please
Watch the Jon Lovitz Special

tomorrow night on Fox.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( laughter, applause )

*

Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon,

and I’m a son
of an Irish bishop.

( laughter )

Well, President Bush Thursday
unveiled the Bush League,

his new line of sportswear
for dorky white guys.

The future ex-president later
wowed the assembled crowd

by reeling in an 8-1/2 pound
Northern Spotted Owl.

( laughter )

Ross Perot filed a financial
disclosure statement on Friday

putting his personal fortune
at $3.3 billion

or 800 million more
than previously estimated.

As a result, yesterday Perot
was awarded an honorary doctor

of money degree
at Oklahoma State University.

( laughter )

Jerry Brown
went white water rafting

with two members
of rival L.A. gangs,

and next week, the gang members
promise to let Brown come along

on a drive-by shooting.

( laughter )

And the results of last week’s
Philippine presidential,

that is, election which included
candidate Imelda Marcos

may be contested.

Some observers have complained

that the use
of old shoeboxes as ballot boxes

may not be very good.

Scientists in Rotterdam
are reportedly working

around the clock.

( laughter )

The Where’s Waldobooks
have become so popular

that the publishers
are adding new editions.

Last week, they came out
with Where’s Georgy

and next week they’re adding
a double edition,

Where’s Ronny and Gorby?

( laughter )

Many people are confused
by the civil ethnics of a war

in Yugoslavia putting the Serbs
against the Croats

and also involving the people
of Bosnia-Herzegovina,

or govona or gavina.

Well, it doesn’t matter,
basically there’s no oil,

so don’t worry about it.

Well, the ballots have been
tabulated, the results are in,

the winner of Yugoslavia’s 1992
Funny Face Competition

goes to Yugoslav Federal Army
General Zivota Panic.

Well, the NBA playoffs
are heating up.

Tomorrow, the Bulls
and the Knicks will play game 7

of their conference semi-final.

Here with a perspective,
our Chicago radio personalities,

the Super Fans.

( cheering and applause )

Thanks, Kevin.

Well, the two teams are tied 3-3

and it’s been
an exciting series.

And I’m sure a lot
of New York fans

will be ready to go
to Chicago

- for the big game tomorrow.
- That’s right.

They’re gonna be flying there
and that’s why right now,

we’d like to offer
those New York fans a few tips

on how to handle the long
painful flight back home.

That’s right, ’cause two hours
can seem like an eternity

when your hopes
have been dashed by the Bulls.

All: The Bulls!

( cheering and applause )

Now try to get your mind
off the humiliation

with an in-flight movie,
or better yet,

have an alcoholic beverage
of your choice.

But remember New Yorkers,

smoking crack
is not legal on planes.

Keep those pipes in your pockets
till you land.

Well, that’s great, guys,
but I think a lot of people

believe the Knicks
are gonna win.

Yeah, well, it’s very sad,
very cruel

the way the Bulls have toyed
with Knick fans.

Very sad.

Please, Kevin,
there is no comparison.

I mean, take the coaches.

Now here’s the Knicks coach,
Pat Riley.

Armani suit,
has his hear slicked back,

looks nice, right?

- Huh?
- Yeah.

I wonder where he got that from.

Right.

- My goodness!
- Whoa!

- What have we here?
- I wonder.

- How could he--
- Where have we seen
that sharp hairstyle before?

Okay, we get the idea, guys.

- All right, all right.
- All right, all right, Kevin.

What about the names
of the teams, you know?

We know what a bull is.

- What the hell is a knick?
- Hold on.

It’s what a New York man gets
when he shaves his leg

before going
into a Greenwich Village Bar.

Right. That’s right.
( laughter, applause )

All right, so your pick.

- Bulls 240 to 87.
- Yeah, that’s right.

All right, I see.
The Super Fans, everyone.

( cheering and applause )

A study has revealed that
second-hand smoke is unhealthy

but usually cheaper.

( laughter )

In addition,
two plus two equals four.

Well, Murphy Brown
will finally be giving birth

on the show’s season finale
this Monday night.

CBS assures squeamish viewers,

the show will be much more
pleasant to watch

than last year’s
birthing episode

of Jake and the Fat Man.

( laughter )

And Lethal Weapon 3opened
around the country yesterday

and plans are already underway
for the next sequel,

Lethal Weapon 4,
which will star

Detroit Suicide Doctor
Jack Kavorkian.

Besides Lethal Weapon 3,
this summer,

several other sequels
will hit the theaters.

Alien 3, Batman Returns,
JFK Part 2,

The Really, Really
Last Temptation of Christ,

and Honey I Slept
with the Kids.

( laughter )

A variety of posters
of the Batmansequel can be seen

at just about every bus stop
in town.

The marketing ploy by Warners

will probably reduce
ticket sales

since if you drive by
all the bus stops fast enough,

it’s just like seeing the movie.

( laughter )

Update statistic,

four out of five dentists
leaves one dentist.

( laughter )

In a related story,
McDonald is warning customers

that a toy car found on
Happy Meals could cause choking.

Also, officials have warned
that Big Macs are the main cause

of death in cows.

( laughter )

They think it has something
to do with the patty meat...

or the meat patty,
whichever one you get.

And now with a look back at some
of the events of the week

is Opera Man.

- Opera Man?
- Oh.

* Hey, gracias, Kevin *

Grazie.

*

( cheering and applause )

*

( cheering and applause )

*

Grazie.

Grazie.

Grazie--oh, Kevin, no!

Grazie.

Kevin!

Opera Man,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Opera Man.

The acting head of the
National Endowment of the Arts

has declared
there’s a difference

between nude and naked.

Also revealed were differences
between disrobed, unclad,

and bare-assed.

( laughter )

Weekend Updatehas also learned
that there’s a difference

between endowment and endowed.

( laughter )

The inventor of the margarita
has died.

We here at Weekend Updatefeel
that not enough time has passed

for us to make jokes
about this sad story.

However, enough time has passed
since the Earl of Sandwich,

the inventor
of the sandwich died,

so we’d like to say
he was buried in a coffin

with a toothpick through it.

Irish Bishop Eamon Casey
admitted last week

that he has an illegitimate son
living in the U.S.

NBC is planning
a situation comedy about Casey,

modeled after Major Dad
and entitled Father Dad.

( laughter )

If you’d like
a written transcript

of this news broadcast,
learn to write really fast.

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer:
* Sprockets, Sprockets *

Best German Television
presents Sprockets.

Meet your host, Dieter.

( cheering and applause )

Welcome to Sprockets.
I am your host, Dieter.

Then it is springtime and like
the blood-engorged gazelles

of the
Garmisch-Partenkirchen Zoo,

I’m ready to rot.

( cheers )

Well, the big news, of course,
is that Euro Disney

opened in France
to a storm of controversy.

Some French critics
called it disgusting, repellent,

a cultural Chernobyl.

But when I was there,
I was as happy as a little girl.

( laughter )

Joining us now for a comment
is avant-garde filmmaker

and irritant in residence at the
Bremen Gallery of Modern Art,

please welcome, Grouse Greck.

( cheering and applause )

Welcome to Sprockets,Grouse.

Dankeschon, Dieter.

What is your take
on Euro Disney?

Mm, I was so disgusted
by Euro Disney

that I certainty gnaw
at my own genitals

like a small woodland creature
in protest.

Delicious.

My disgust was such
that I decided

to develop
a counterculture theme park

as an alternative to Euro Disney
so I designed Euro Trash.

Euro Trash, curious.
Please tell us more.

Euro Trash is a celebration
of the repellent and painful

in everyday European life.

For example,
Euro Disney has Fantasy Land.

Euro Trash
has "Unwee" Village.

( laughter )

Unwee Village is dedicated
to the tedium of existence.

Here is the ride
called the Boring Teacups.

- Curious.
- Curious, yes.

Euro Disney has Frontier Land.

We have Insane Frontier Land.

Insane Frontier Land,

is that where they have
the Diseased Bear Jamboree?

It is a collection
of 30 or so black forest bears

who have succumbed
to a variety of malaises.

- Do they sing?
- For the most, they convalesce,

but once a month,
they sing like bitches.

European Freedom Land
contains my favorite exhibit,

"It’s a Sick World After All,"
in which audio animatronics,

children in national costumes
of every European nation

frolic in tribute to the Danish
kiddie porn industry.

( laughter )

European Freedom Land
contains the Syphilitic Museum.

Yeah.

We’re planning an interactive
viewing comprised of nothing

but a collection of sores
and lesions.

Speaking of which,

would you like
to touch my monkey?

Touch him! Love him!

( speaks in foreign language )

Touch him.
It is safe, Klaus.

Please touch, Klaus.

- Klaus, Klaus.
- Klaus.

- Ah.
- Oh.

Mm, it took a while,
but he is smitten with you,

I can tell.
( laughter )

Now this is a master stroke.

Yes. It is called
Poke at the Turk.

It is the riot in which
a Turkish migrant worker

is poked at with sticks.

Mm, gorgeous. Mm.

In addition to those riots,

we have
our own Euro Trash characters

who roam the park to amuse
and disturb the patrons

like Bim-Bim the Bastard,

the lovable chain-smoking oaf
with greasy hair,

and Simone,
the self-loathing jackal.

Mm, yes.
Oh! Yabba Daba Doo!

Is that who I think it is?

It’s Fred Flintstone!

Yes, we just closed the deal
with Hanna-Barbera.

I love Fred Flintstone!

You know that I am
a Hanna-Barbarian.

* Here we come on the run
There’s a burger on the bun *

Ah.

As you can see,
you look just as much more awful

than the culturally bankrupt
Euro Disney

and we’re going to add--

Your story has become tiresome!

Now is the time
on Sprocketswhen we dance!

*

My guest has been Grouse Greck.

My name is Dieter.

Auf Wiedersehen!

( cheering and applause )

Finals week is such hell!

I hate it so much. Do you?
I do. Do you?

Truth, yes.
I do not test well.

Could finals be worse?

They are definitely not
the proper form

for judging one’s intelligence.

Oh, my God!

Claudia Schiffer spends $500
to get her hair

to look as messy as yours does
right now.

Thank you!

Do you guys want more coffee?
I do. Do you? I do.

Let’s have some more coffee!

Excuse me,
but could I be grosser?

I am down to one pair
of clean undies.

If I do not do laundry soon--

What was I just saying?

Do you guys hate me?

We do not hate you.

We hate what you’ve become
during finals week.

You’re partying,
you’re not studying.

Oh, my God, you’re right.

After I finish this tall boy,
I am on the wagon.

- Hugs!
- Definitely!

You guys.

We are all so talented
and fun loving.

It is amazing
that fate put us all together.

Friends for life.

Delta chain!

Definitely.
( phone rings )

- Oh, my God, get it!
- I can’t move.

Duh, I’m getting it!

If it is my mom,
I am not here.

* Delta, Delta, Delta *

* Can I help you, help you
Help you? *

Oh, hi. You are?

We’re dead.
Okay, then come over.

Oh, my God!

You’re not gonna believe it,
but Bug and Chip are coming over

from the SigmaCare right now!

Oh, my God!

Okay, let me just tell you.

I don’t care how cute they are.

We are not letting them
scarf our notes.

( doorbell dings )

Uh-oh.

Hey.

Hey, ladies.
You remember Bug?

How can I forget?

Uh, listen, ladies,
we were wondering

about Dr. Bernard’s psych class.

- Did you take good notes?
- Yeah.

Well, is it okay if me and Bug
could borrow your notes

from the first two weeks
and from before spring break

and pretty much all of May?

( laughter )
Well, that would be great.

We have a Xerox machine
at the house.

Yeah, and then we could,
like, xox them

and get them
right back to you?

Yeah, maybe you could
just stroll over with us

and then that would save us
the trip bringing them back.

- I don’t know. We’re busy.
- Oh, why don’t you come?

It’s spring. It’s nice.
Seriously, you’re really cute.

Seriously, why don’t you come
and we’ll get, you know--

- Okay.
- Hey, hey,
before we hit the road,

do you guys have any
extra munchies we can borrow?

- We’re out.
- Oh, our covers are stacked.

- Help yourselves.
- Woo-hoo!

- Score, buddy.
- Oh, score.

All: Oh, my God!
What have we done?

You guys, we just went against
everything that we swore to.

We gave them our notes. I can
never trust you guys again.

I went to the class every day

and I organize the seats
so we call all sit together.

Oh, my God,
I have too much noodles!

Then quit taking it!

Okay, you guys.

Can I just say
the scariest thing?

Me and that guy, Bug,
hooked up over spring break

and did everything but...

and now he does not
even remember me.

Oh, my God!

If you could find a lipstick
the color of your nose,

that will be the perfect shade
for you.

Thank you!

Hey, hey.

- Hey, guys, look what we found.
- Oh.

You don’t mind if we keep it,
do you?

( laughs )
Are you ready to go?

Seriously, me and you right now.
I’m not fooling.

- Okay.
- Okay, wait a minute.

Hold the phone.

We are the Tri Delts
and you are going nowhere.

And you, give me my notes,
give me my snacks,

and get out of here
before I scream!

These guys are users!

Okay, wow.

I appreciate your honesty.
Maybe we should go, Bug.

Uh, listen, I’m serious.

If you wanna come by later and
bring your notes, that’s cool.

I’m really into you.
I’m not fooling.

Wow, you guys really caught us
on that one.

You can’t be tricked
and I think that’s great.

I think you’re great.

Listen, you don’t let
these girls run your life

and I dig that.

Those notes
don’t matter to me, you do,

- but bring them, okay?
- Okay.

That shirt
makes you look really tall.

Do you guys think
we can’t hear you whispering?

They don’t like you, Pam.
They like your notes.

Get out of here!

- We are not what they think.
- Oh, my God!

Hey, girls, I just wanna say,
you know, I’m sorry.

We were really wrong,
all right?

I mean, he was wrong.
He’s really a user.

I don’t know
why I hang out with him.

Hey, listen, come by later,
all right?

You know, you’re really hot.
I mean it.

I’m not playing.
Seriously, all right?

Okay? All right.

You guys, I think they’re
really big trouble.

I think we should give them
our notes.

Chip was so loving you.

Bug was so loving you.

Oh, my God!
Nobody is loving me!

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

*

* Oh, I’m glad
That I’m a cowboy *

* It’s the cowboy’s life
For me *

* There’s not another
Kind of boy *

* That I would rather be *

All:
* Not a rich boy or a homeboy *

* Or a playboy out at night *

* I’m just glad
That I’m a cowboy *

All: * And I’m just as glad
I’m white *

( laughter )

* Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re glad
God made us cowboys *

* Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re cowboys
And we’re proud *

( horse neighs )

* Oh, I’m glad
I’m not a city boy *

* ’Cause city boys ain’t macho *

* And I’m glad
I’m not a bus boy *

* Like some Mexican muchacho *

* They say errand boys
Are underpaid *

* Whipping boys are bitter *

* I’m just glad
I’m not a bat boy *

* For some Puerto Rican hitter *

All: * Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re glad
God made us cowboys *

* Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re cowboys
And we’re proud *

( horse neighs )

* Now colored boys
Don’t like to work *

* And sissy boys love clothes *

* You can always spot
A Jew boy *

* By his great
Big Jew boy nose *

( laughter )

* I would hate to be a fat boy *

* Or a Chinese boy from China *

* I’m just glad
I’m not a girl boy *

* With a big old girl vagina *

( laughter, applause )

All: * Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re glad
God made us cowboys *

* Whoopee-ti-yi-yi
Yippie-i-o *

* We’re cowboys *

* And we’re proud *

Giddyup, hoss boy! Come on!

Yeah!

Wooh!

( indistinct chattering )

In the dressing room and change
for the next scene, okay?

Woody Harrelson!
I can’t believe it!

I am such a big fan!

You are so talented.
I love you!

Oh, well, thank you.
Thank you.

No, you’re supposed to say,

"I love you infinity
plus infinity."

( both chuckle )

Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe
that it’s you in person.

You know, I saw you
in White Men Can’t Jump,

you are so cute, damn!

You could jump on me any time.

- ( chuckles ) Oh, that’s sweet.
- No, no, no, no.

You know,
since I’ve been working here,

I have met so many celebrities
but I’ve got to tell you,

you are my favorite.

- No mejora.( laughs )
- I’m flattered.

No, no, no, yeah, man,
Woody, well, listen.

You know,
we are so coincidental.

We have so much in common,
you know?

You know how you slept
with Rosie Perez

in White Men Can’t Jump,
how could you do that to her?

How could you two-time her
like that

knowing that in a few weeks,
you was gonna marry Kelly

and geez, that’s low.

Just like me, you know,

confrontationally speaking
between me and you,

see, I got this boyfriend
that I live with, Enrique,

and this guy that I’m dating,

he works here,
his name is Billy.

Two timing is so much fun,
right?

You get to sneak around
and everything like that.

I don’t go out with Kelly
or Rosie,

it’s fake, it’s acting.

- That’s acting.
- Oh, yeah, right! ( laughs )

I saw the whole thing
in the movie, but believe me,

if I see Rosie,
I ain’t gonna tell her, okay?

- ( laughs )
- There’s nothing to tell.

I never slept with either one
of them. I’m just acting.

Oh, so the only way you was
go out with a Spanish girl

- is if it’s in a movie, huh?
- No, I didn’t say that.

I’d go out
with a Puerto Rican girl.

Oh, so you gonna do us a favor?

No, I mean,
if there’s one that’s,

you know, interesting or--

- Oh, so Woody Harrelson
doing charity work.
- Hey, I didn’t say that.

- You’re putting words
in my mouth.
- No, no, no, no!

Look, Mr. Woody, you don’t have
to get loud on me.

I will embarrass you
right out here

- in front of all your friends.
- Oh, excuse me.

- I’ve got to get ready
for the next--
- Oh, no, no, no, excuse me!

No, no, no, excuse me!
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Woody!

Hey, hey,
you better walk away!

Hey, Woody, what makes you think
I won’t cut you?

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And now
The Sensitive Naked Man.

*

( cheering )

Hey, these are great, huh?

Hey, great day
to be at the park, huh, son?

Yeah, sure.

You like these seats?

Hey, you wanna see
if we can move even closer?

Uh, no, no, no, Dad,
that’s okay.

Hey, Scott.

Isn’t that Timmy Wilson
from school?

Timmy, over here!

- Timmy! Yeah!
- Oh, no, no, no, Dad!

Dad, please.

What’s the matter?

You and Tim not getting along?

Is he mean to you?

No, no, no, Dad!

Come on, you can tell dad.

Well, he teases me.

I knew it was something.

Kids can be so cruel.

He teases you
about being short?

No, Dad.
He teases me about you.

Well, let me tell you something,
son.

There’s no shame
in being a social worker.

( laughter )

I might not make as much money
as Timmy’s dad,

the big-time lawyer,

but I wouldn’t trade what I do
for all the money in the world.

So you can just tell Timmy

your old man is proud
of what he does for a living.

Come on, Bania, hit a homer!

Dad, I’m embarrassed
to be seen with you!

Let me tell you something,
buddy.

My dad
used to embarrass me too.

I’d tell you, I thought
he was so dumb and corny.

He used to wear
these stupid bowties everywhere.

Dad!

Come on, Mike, hit it
and do something good!

- Right over here.
- Dad, the other kids
make fun of you

’cause you never wear
any clothes.

They call you names
like Nudey and Butt Naked

and the Raisin Man
and Morris Cheeks

and Cracky and Sacky!

Scott, you just say the word
and mama and I

will take you
out of that school

and find one
where kids aren’t so cruel.

Hey, give me the mitt,
it’s coming this way!

- This is your lucky day.
- No!

- I don’t need
another baseball, Dad.
- Hey, it’s coming right here!

Crowd: Oh!

Don’t worry,
we’ll get the next one.

Hey, hotdog over here,
please, two.

Hotdog.

Hey, put some clothes on,
you big weirdo!

( indistinct chattering )

That’s it.

Security! Security!

I’ll take of this, son.

Sir, could you come with us?

Scott, I’ll be right back.

I got to go fill out a complaint
on this jerk back here.

Uh, pal, you got a towel
or something?

I’m all right,
it’s just a little beer.

It’s the principle of the thing.

Okay, sir, whatever.

I mean, I’m here with my son
and the guy is throwing beer.

Yeah.

*

Announcer: This has been
The Sensitive Naked Man.

Next week,The Driver’s Test.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

*

Thank you everybody.

I’d like to thank the cast
and the crew

of Saturday Night Live,and
of course, Vanessa and the band.

( cheering and applause )

Everybody take care.

( indistinct shouting )

*