Original subtitles

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement.

Good evening, I’m Ross Perot.

And I got to tell you something.

Now what happened last week in Los Angeles

scared me half to death.

I’m telling you, ’cause what I saw

was a country coming apart at the seams.

And what I didn’t see was President Bush

doing much anything about it.

Now first thing I would have done

is got on a plane going straight to Los Angeles.

’Cause I can’t deal with a problem

unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, taste it,

and touch it a little more. ( laughter )

That’s right.

Now, at last count,

there was $712 million in damage done

during the L.A. riots.

Well, see this right here?

( laughter )

Now, all right.

See, this here is a check for exactly $712 million.

That’s right. It’s good, too.

Now I’ve got $3 billion more sitting back at home.

So here it is, in cash, I’m taking care of everything.

Everything’s covered, done deal, it’s over.

What I’m saying right now is,

South Central L.A., problem solved.

But this is a one-time deal.

If you burn down a building tomorrow, that’s your problem.

( laughter )

Okay. ( cheering and applause )

Oh, thank you.

Now...

Now here’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna rebuild every building,

state-of-the-art technology,

put computers in every one of them,

train the Crips, train the Bloods

to operate the computers,

put them to work competing against the Japanese.

Now this ain’t charity.

Charity has its place, but not here.

This here’s a business proposition.

’Cause you see, I’m gonna take 5 percent of everything

that goes through this operation from now through perpetuity,

5 percent right off the top.

Business proposition, pure and simple.

Same thing if you elect me president.

Now see here, President Bush gets--

All right. President Bush gets $200,000 a year. Forget it.

If I’m President, we get 0 percent growth,

you don’t pay me nothing.

1 percent growth?

Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country

and get 1 percent growth.

I’m sorry.

So you don’t pay me dime one.

Got my own plane, don’t need Air Force One.

( laughter )

State Dinners?

I’ll pay it, it’s nothing to me, sand off a beach.

Now don’t worry about old Ross Perot,

I got $3 billion back at home.

Now here’s the deal. Here’s what I’m trying to say.

Three percent growth in our economy,

$120 billion growth in our GNP, I get a billion dollars.

( laughter )

Now think about it, that’s a bargain.

You’re up $119 billion.

I’m telling you, 2.99 percent growth,

I don’t see a penny, not one red cent.

But don’t feel sorry for me.

I got $3 billion.

I’m gonna be fine.

Now this here’s a business proposition.

Now see, 4 percent growth, you pay me $20 billion.

( laughter )

The way I see it, you’re ahead $140 billion, see?

Now this ain’t no golden parachute,

this isn’t the President GM giving himself a big bonus

when the company’s losing money sending jobs to Mexico.

I get my money if and when you get yours.

Now 5 percent growth, I get $50 billion.

( laughter )

Everybody’s happy, see? See, that’s it.

It’s all right there just laid out, that’s off a table,

you can take it, you can leave it.

Frankly, I don’t care. I’m gonna do fine.

I got $3 billion sitting in the bank.

Now I bought four minutes of national airtime

to lay this out for you all,

and I see I got about 30 seconds left here,

which I sold on contingency to the Munsingwear people.

"Munsingwear, the underwear for the active man.

( laughter )

Cut generously with a double-flap pouch

for extra comfort,

100 percent mercerized combed cotton to prevent shrinkage.

Munsingwear, ’cause you don’t want your underwear

to be like an Apache creeping up on you

when you least expect it."

Thank you.

Announcer: Paid for by the Perot for President Committee,

and Munsingwear.

Now I see I still have five seconds left,

and I can’t deal with five seconds

unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, eat it,

and pass it through my lower intestine.

But you know what?

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Bruce Springsteen...

and starring Tom Hanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you, thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you very much!

It’s great to be back on the show.

I have this announcement to make.

"Bruce is in the building."

( cheering and applause )

Right.

It is really special to be here, in fact,

now when the show was first announced,

a certain fine actor by the name of Joe Pesci

was going to be here.

All right, unfortunately...

Unfortunately, his movie is running a little late,

so they gave me a call.

It was the last minute. I was free, so, bang, here I am.

But you know, what a finale to a great year

this would have been for Mr. Joe Pesci.

Now first... he wins an Academy Award

for his role in Goodfellas,huh?

Yes, absolutely.

I’m sure he thanks you for that.

Then he’s in a very popular movie called My Cousin Vinny.

That’s right.

That was a lot of fun for him.

Later this month, Mr. Pesci will be seen

in a little film called Lethal Weapon 3.

Indeed, yes!

And right now, this very minute,

he’s working with none other than Macaulay Culkin

in Home Alone 2.

Wow!

Huh!

Tonight, I can only promise to do my best

to fill Mr. Joe Pesci’s very large shoes.

So stick around.

( cheering and applause )

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I do not know what I’m doing. ( indistinct shouting )

What about that, huh? What about that?

Who are you kidding, man?

They just rewrote stuff they came up with 10 days ago.

What? That was great. Come on.

I’m up there in front of millions of people

going on about Joe Pesci’s wild year,

- like some kind of dope. - Yeah.

I don’t even plug League of Their Own.

It’s coming out in July, with Geena Davis and Madonna.

I mean, what kind of businessman am I?

( laughter ) Businessman!

You are something, man. You are really funny.

What do you mean, I’m funny?

( laughter ) You’re funny, you know?

It’s a good monologue, you told a funny story,

you’re a funny guy.

What do you mean?

Do I talk funny, what, what?

I’m just saying it’s funny the way you tell a story,

- and everything. - Yeah, I know. Funny, how?

I mean, what’s funny about it?

Hey, Tommy, look, you know, you got it all wrong here.

No, wait, wait, wait, Farley! He knows!

He’s a big boy. He knows what he said.

What did you say? Funny, how?

What?

- Just you’re funny. - You mean--

Look, let me understand this, ’cause, you know, maybe it’s me.

I’m a little goofed up, you know?

Maybe--But I’m funny, how?

Maybe, like I’m a clown?

Like I’m here to amuse you?

I make you laugh, I’m here to amuse you?

Funny? What do you mean, funny?

Funny, how? How am I so funny?

Just, you know, how to tell a story.

No! No, no, no, I don’t know!

You said it. How do I know?

You said I’m funny! Why am I so funny?

What is so funny about me?

You tell me! Tell me!

What is so freaking funny?

( cheering and applause )

- Ah, come on. - ( laughs )

( indistinct chattering )

What, what, what, what, what? What is it? What is it?

I got to talk to you about this hotel--

You’re hanging around me like a vulture. What do you want?

I got to talk to you about this hotel bill.

$17,000 for room service.

I mean, I don’t mean to be out of order here.

Oh, you don’t mean to be out of order,

but what do you call embarrassing me

in front of my friends?

Tom, it’s not me, it’s the network.

Oh! You calling me a deadbeat?

- You know, you’re a mutt, you know that? You’re a mutt. - Hey, come on, come on, Tom.

- Don’t be like that. - Now what do you mean? Now what do you mean?

What are you talking about, huh?

( indistinct shouting )

Who do you think you are? ( indistinct shouting )

Hey! Stick around, everybody, Bruce Springsteen is here.

We’ll be right back!

( cheering and applause )

My friends, we Los "Angelesens"

have been through a lot these last few days

and no one knows that better than we here

at John Cabrizio Chevrolet, Mazda, Hyundai.

Our leaders have been stressing the need for calm.

They say the insanity must end.

But I say, "Let the insanity continue

until all these cars are moved out!"

Look at this crazy price, $8,899

for this fully loaded, slightly looted Mazda RX-7.

Just replace the missing driver’s seat

and you’ll go from 0 to 60 in under seven seconds.

And look at this burned out Chevy Blazer!

Any jury would agree that at $1,200,

you’re guilty of getting a good deal.

Or how about $50 for this still burning Chevy pickup?

We can’t put it out!

Friends, I think we all agree

that fundamental change is required

and change is practically all you’ll need

to drive off on this new Hyundai Excel.

So I am pleading with you.

Can’t we come together as a community

and buy what’s left of this Mazda 626?

( laughter )

I think we can,

because, my fellow Los "Angelesens,"

the healing has begun.

But at these prices, the healing won’t last long!

So come on down.

You’ll feel like a looter

at John Cabrizio Chevy, Mazda, Hyundai.

Free hotdogs for the little looters.

( cheering and applause )

( laughter )

Ah, okay, today’s meeting comes to order,

And my friends, we have scored another major coup

for all members in good standing.

Now don’t concern yourselves with how we did it,

because it involves unsightly back-room haggling.

Just get ready to enjoy another great perk

as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, all right?

If you leave your membership plaque

on the dashboard of your car,

Joe Gally said we can park in the handicapped space

at his brother’s convenience mart, okay?

- Oh! - Yes.

That’s so wonderful,

because sometimes I only have a few items to buy,

like wine and cat food,

now I can go in and out so much quicker.

Right. So enjoy!

Okay, and now, to our next order of business

is, ah, the nickname issue.

Now last time we spoke, we resolved to come up

with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use

so we can identify each other in a strange town or something?

Right? Okay, ideas?

How about Thaddius or Big Bo?

Benny.

How about the Man Who Rides Alone?

Head Cheese?

El Stinkmeister.

( boos )

I like Beacon of Bliss.

How about Brocktoon?

Brocktoon. Hey, I like it.

All right. Let’s vote, all right?

All in favor of Brocktoon, say, "Aye."

Group: Aye!

Not in favor, nay!

- Group: Nay! - Brocktoon it is!

That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie,

- and that’s A-OK with me! - ( laughs )

Well--Oh, hey, hi!

Welcome, come on in.

Are you a fan of Brocktoon?

What? No. No.

They’re doing a Comedy Night here later,

and I just got here early to sign up.

Oh, all right. Well, take a seat.

Make yourself comfortable. Sit anywhere.

We’re just getting ready to move on

to our next order of business.

Uh, but anything else? Yeah.

Yeah, I’d like to say, partly to talk about it,

and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit.

Uh, Mr. Belvedere

is the light of my life.

Um, I know I speak for the others, uh,

when I say he is so amazing, you know.

And, um, he’s just--I wish,

you know, I wish I could know him more, you know?

Because he--

he is one of a kind, you know?

He’s--I think about him all the time,

and well, I’m wondering, should we kill him?

( laughter )

For God’s sakes, no!

Uh, we usually vote, Mr. Chairman.

Well--oh, before we vote,

I’d like Pete to explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon.

I wanna meet this girl,

and, uh, I know that she’d be, you know, pretty impressed

if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere.

Well, why kill him then?

Um, because--

So he wouldn’t know how unworthy I am to hang out with him?

Well, wait, I don’t follow.

What about the girl that you wanna meet? What?

Oh, she’s probably a lesbo anyway.

( laughter )

Well, I guess we can vote,

but we shouldn’t really have to, people.

All right, all those in favor who wanna kill Mr. Belvedere,

- say, "Aye." - Group: Aye!

All those who don’t think he should be killed, say, "Nay."

Group: Nay!

The nays have it. He lives.

But the vote shouldn’t have been that close,

which brings me to an area that I think we need to discuss.

Now I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere’s publicist.

It seems somebody has been killing his house pets again.

Now I’m not gonna ask which one of you is doing it,

but I do think we need to do our exercises.

What exercises?

The exercise that helps keep the line

between reality and fantasy a little less blurry.

You’ll see.

- Okay, who wants to start? - Can I?

Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere.

I shouldn’t want to grab a lock of his hair.

Now that’s good, Cheryl.

And even though it would be really neat

to have a lock of his hair, you know that’s not right.

- Someone else? - Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

I should like to send him a fan letter

telling him how good he was in the episode

where he teaches everyone how to cook,

but I shouldn’t wanna type the letter on a death certificate.

Yes, but then you learned that one the hard way, huh?

All right, yeah. Okay.

So let’s keep going. Come on.

I should like watching Mr. Belvedere a lot,

but I shouldn’t have to masturbate

at the end of every episode. ( laughter )

That’s right.

That is right. Discipline! Next?

Uh, yeah.

I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner

if he truly accepts the offer,

- but not if I sense that he accepts it telepathically. - Yes, okay.

But let’s keep the exercises in the form of should

and shouldn’t, okay?

Next?

I should wanna cook him a simple meal,

but I shouldn’t want to cut into him,

to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh,

to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.

( laughter )

Good.

I got one.

I should wanna say hi to him nicely,

I shouldn’t wanna keep him in a big jar in my basement.

All right, Doug, that’s great.

We understand that now. Go on, though.

Why shouldn’t you put him in a big jar in your basement?

Because his breath would fog up the glass,

and I wouldn’t be able to see him?

Well, now there is that,

- but there’s also-- - You people are crazy!

Uh, you’re talking about killing Mr. Belvedere,

and putting this Brocktoon guy in a big jar,

and dead house pets?

I mean, can’t you see what you’re talking about is wrong?

I mean, can’t you see that?

( screaming ) Help! ( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a dysfunctional looter.

Well, upon reviewing the riot-damaged neighborhoods

in Los Angeles this week,

President Bush was said to be shocked

by what black people really look like close-up.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

And in an act of good Samaritanship,

a South Central L.A. youth here instructs a national guardsman

on the proper loading procedure of his M-16.

( laughter, applause )

Just to give you an idea of the speed

with which the riot developed,

Tower Records in South Central L.A.

was broken in two, and within four minutes,

looters had stripped it completely,

barely leaving only the Dan Fogelberg section.

( laughter )

Streets of L.A. are relatively quiet now

as thousands of looters are staying home

to figure out how to program their new VCRs.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

And President Bush has ordered a federal civil investigation

of the Rodney King case in an effort

to indict the four accused officers.

Heading up the investigation are surviving members

of the Warren Commission.

( laughter )

Now just in from Los Angeles

is our West Coast correspondent, Jay Leno.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Just--

- Thank you. - What’s it like out there, Jay?

Well, I just got back from Los Angeles

as with the USO entertaining the troops

on Hollywood Boulevard.

All right.

Any signs of encouragement?

Kevin, I did see signs of encouragement.

Two days into the rioting, I saw something very encouraging.

I saw a black man and a white man

stealing a television together.

- So I think that that is always a good sign. - Really? That’s good.

That’s a good sign.

Now, how do you think the president

is handling the whole thing?

I think President basically had a touch.

Just two weeks ago, he said,

"We don’t have as many homeless now as we did a year ago,"

which is not really true.

You know, the government will always try

to reclassify people

so it looks better on the census.

I didn’t call them homeless anymore.

I think now they’re called outdoorsmen.

Yeah, more people living outdoors,

more people enjoying the outdoors.

Now, what about the Republicans? Do they have a handle on it?

Actually, Buchanan, just today, has come out with an idea

to help pay for some of the riot damage.

He wants to put a box tax on the homeless.

See, the bigger the box they’re living in,

the more they would pay,

so basically, draconian but a progressive tax.

Makes sense. Okay, thank you, Jay.

- Thank you, Kevin. - Good luck out there.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you, Jay.

We wish Jay good luck for the Tonight’s Show.

( applause )

An angry mob chanted anti-US slogans

and burned American flags in Iraq this week.

Oh, I’m sorry, that crowd was in Washington, my mistake.

And in June, George Foreman is scheduled

to fight former heavyweight Joe Frazier. ( chuckles )

There was a startling development in Bangladesh today.

Let’s look at that story from another angle.

There was a startling development in Bangladesh today.

Former President Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev

dressed up as cowboys last week

as Reagan came under the mistaken impression

that the city had been attacked by Indians.

( laughter )

And at a Clinton rally this week,

Hillary Clinton entertained the crowd

with her hilarious Ross Perot imitation.

( laughter, applause )

Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and here with a commentary

is Saturday Night Live’s own David Spade.

- David? - Yeah.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you, Kevin.

You know, mothers deserve this day of recognition

for all they put up with.

I’m from Arizona, and like a lot of people,

I don’t get to see my mom much anymore.

But before I get into that,

let me give you a brief history of my family.

We moved to Arizona when I was 4.

My parents got divorced when I was 5 when my dad just left.

It was one of those divorces.

He just took off one day and he showed up once a year

and gave me a new football for Christmas

and thought he was my hero again.

"Ooh, thanks, Dad.

Ooh, it’s two colors.

You’re spoiling me, you bastard."

That’s why I love my mother. She’s always there.

She knew I always wanted to be on TV.

And she told me something once and stayed with me.

When I grew up, one night at dinner, she said,

"Don’t cling to your fantasies

and quit staring at me, little freak."

I don’t think she meant it. She was in a bad mood.

The alimony check was late or something.

She also said a lot of positive things.

Nothing comes to mind right now,

but the point is she’s a great lady and she cares about me.

She doesn’t care if the bass player from Megadeth

isn’t getting along with the drummer

and they might back out of their summer tour.

She doesn’t care if you can’t get the Playboy channel

on some parts of Manhattan

’cause of some stupid zoning thing I don’t understand

and I might have to move because of it.

She doesn’t let these important issues bother her.

She just puts her hair up in rubber band and moves on.

I always admired that.

The only thing bad about Mother’s Day

is it’s close to Father’s Day, and on Father’s Day,

I have to get together with my real dad

and go to some happy hour and check out girls.

It’s so awkward.

I’ll say, "Hey, Dad, that’s girl’s doable,"

and he’ll chime in,

"I’ll tell you who’s doable, your mom.

When I met her, I was a little drunk,

but she was wasted, buddy, and ready to go."

"Ho, ho, ho. Dad, please, that’s mom.

That’s my mom. Remember how that works.

Don’t cross me out.

Read me a story or something, you sicko."

"Hey, I’m just telling you.

By the time we got in the bedroom, we--"

"Okay, got it, all right. Come on.

Give me a lifesaver. Tuck me in.

Let’s toss the ball. Be normal, you perv.

( laughter )

So that’s the day I’m not looking forward to.

Anyway, I’m not gonna see her tomorrow.

She wanted me to fly home this weekend,

but I told her I had to work.

And she said, "Can’t you get someone else to stand there

and wave goodnight for you?"

Now that hurt.

But then again, she didn’t need to.

And in closing, I really miss her

and I hope all the moms out there

have a great day ’cause they deserve it.

( applause ) Thank you, David.

- Thank you, Kevin Nealon. - Thank you.

Last month, rocker David Bowie married a man

and a secret--sorry, that’s Imam, the supermodel.

I’m sorry.

And on the entertainment front,

New Kids on the Block are considering solo careers.

It’s not sure who will be called Block, New, or Kids.

The Grand Canyon--

Well, McDonald Douglas announced this week

its plans to build a huge two-story jet

capable of carrying 511 passengers.

Not to be outdone, Boeing has announced its plans

to build an even bigger version.

A new medical study has found eating celery

can lower high blood pressure in rats.

The same study shows rats only get high blood pressure

because they’re forced to take part in studies.

( laughter )

Further studies reveal that four out of five people

think that the fifth one is an idiot.

( laughter )

All right, and here with a commentary

is Weekend Update’s Queen Shenequa, Queen?

( cheering and applause )

Hi, America.

Queen Shenequa, jetlagged and back from covering

the Rodney King incident in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles, they should change the name

to Lost Projects on Fire.

See, I was visiting my stupid girlfriend, Christine,

she lives in California, her and her stupid boyfriend, Sherman.

She said, "Queen Shenequa, Queen Shenequa.

Sherman was out shopping during the riots.

They got me a high chair."

I said, "A high chair?

Christine, you ain’t even got no kids."

She says, "So mind your business.

At least he was thinking about me."

( laughter )

I said, "Yeah, but what was he thinking, a high chair?"

Now not that I would loot, but if I did,

I’d get me a new washer and dryer

side by side in designer colors,

automatic fabric softener dispenser

lynch wrapped with a quiet spin cycle,

retails for about $1,895.

But that’s just me.

Not that I would loot or nothing.

But a high chair, chair, please.

Them two are so stupid.

They are as stupid as the jury that let them cops go

that beat up Rodney King!

What did they think?

The cops were beating up Rodney to test his Timex?

To see if he could take a leaky nicky von ticky?

( laughter, applause )

Now before I go, I would like to wish every mother

a Happy Mother’s Day.

I’m a mother.

I know what you’re thinking.

I look too young to be a mother. ( laughter )

But I am, and here’s my daughter Princess Aquila Rihanna.

( cheering and applause )

Aquila Rihanna is a Swahili name,

translation, little bitch,

don’t even think about getting pregnant.

( laughter, applause )

Would you like to say something?

Yes, I would.

Happy Mother’s Day.

( applause )

Grandma said to say thanks for the big TV,

but why does it smell like smoke?

( laughter )

Oh. Shut up! ( chuckles )

Thank you, Kevin! ( chuckles )

Okay. thank you, Queen.

( cheering and applause )

Judy, the first mommy-to-be doll reached the toy stores today.

You simply remove the pregnant stomach

and out pops the little plastic baby.

A paternity suit has already been filed against G.I. Joe.

( laughter )

By the way, Judy retails for $19.95,

but with doctor and hospital expenses,

the doll’s total cost could reach $9,864.

Well, the verdict is in

and the Rangers’ Adam Graves did not deliberately slash

Pittsburgh Penguins’ Mario Lemieux,

causing a broken hand for Lemieux

and a four-game suspension for Graves.

Let’s take a look.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The jurors are said to be flying back to Simi Valley today.

( laughter )

( applause )

For tomorrow’s Mother’s Day,

an impromptu poll was taken at my house and it revealed

that the third most often used phrase by my mother

while I was growing up was, "I’m not your maid."

The second was, "Because every day is children’s day."

And the first was, "Why lend you money

when you just spend it on Ripple & Hookers."

( laughter, applause )

An enterprising concert promoter has signed Rodney King

along with Desiree Washington, the Mike Tyson victim,

and Tracy Edwards, the only person to escape

from Jeffrey Dahmer.

The three will go on an international speaking tour

under the title "Raped, Beaten, and Almost Eaten."

( laughter )

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

*

Oh, man, that was great.

I know. I was starving.

Oh, I’m finally relaxing.

God, what an awful day.

Oh, honey.

When I found out that the head of marketing

was Brooke Myers’s son-in-law,

I wanted to quit right then and there.

I mean, how much nepotism can this company endure?

I was so angry.

Well, when you get your business,

let’s see who you hire. ( chuckles )

You know who you sounded like just then?

- Who? - Your mother.

Oh, don’t! No, no, don’t say that.

God, I hate the thought of that.

That was exactly like something Doris would say.

Oh, don’t even joke, Rick.

But you know, today, I was at lunch

and the waitress asked me if I wanted some iced tea

and I said, "Alrighty."

Alrighty?

- Alrighty? - I was so mortified.

I didn’t know where it came from,

but now I realize, my mother says alrighty.

Oh. Oh, honey. Now come on.

Now please, whatever you do, don’t become your mother.

- God, I won’t. - All right.

What do you wanna do tonight? ( grunts )

Should we watch Silence of the Lambs

or you wanna finish up with Last Detail?

Oh, let’s finish Last Detail.

Well, all right.

( sighs )

Where’s the tracking?

Uh, it’s right on there, underneath the front part.

Oh, here it is. Okay.

Well, these machines don’t have to be so complicated.

It’s like you’ve got to have a college degree

just to learn to work the VCR!

I just don’t get it!

( laughter )

You did it again.

- What? - You know, you’re doing it.

You’re sounding just like your mother.

Oh! Now you’re imagining it.

No, I’m not. Oh, this is good.

This is a good part of this movie.

Oh, I know. I love this movie.

Oh, why did they have to use language like that? Honestly?

( laughter )

Yeah, right.

And all the nudity.

It’s a lot sexier when you don’t see everything!

My goodness!

*

Announcer: She returned into her mother!

Say, honey, why don’t we just turn the tape off, huh?

Maybe we could just talk.

Or we could watch some TV,

you know, Murder She Wrote is on in 10 minutes.

( laughter )

You don’t watch Murder She Wrote.

Old ladies watch Murder She Wrote!

You’re 30 years old!

You’re right. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Honey, I’m not sure you’re feeling well.

Why don’t we just-- we won’t go

to Fred and Mary Jo’s tomorrow night, all right?

We’ll just stay home, huh?

Oh, I forgot about that party. I was looking forward to it.

In fact, I was thinking of buying a new pants outfit,

denim, something with it!

( laughter )

A what?

A pant outfit, you know, slacks with a top to match.

Oh, my God! What am I doing? Help me!

I just wanna look spiffy!

What’s happening? I can’t control myself!

Oh, it’s all right, it’s all right!

It’s all right, honey. It’s okay, it’s okay.

It’s okay, it’s okay. Come on, come on.

We can beat this thing. I know we can. Come on.

- What can I do? - Well, let’s--let’s just-- let’s talk about something,

something that your mother would never ever talk about!

- Like, um, like what? - Oh, like politics?

Good, good! Okay! Okay, politics. Yeah, politics.

So, what do you think of Bush’s domestic policies, honey?

Bush? Rick, you really wanna get me started?

Yes, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay, the man is not addressing the problems of the underclass.

- Good! Yeah! - And I don’t think he ever will.

- Uh-huh. - But although I didn’t vote for him, he is our president

and we are obligated to support him!

- I’m getting scared. - Me too, Rick.

- Make it stop! Make it stop! - All right--

Stop it! Just stop it!

- Stop it! - ( groans ) My back hurts!

Why does my back hurt?

Snap out of it! Snap out of it!

I am gonna get you back. I’m gonna get you back!

Now what’s your name?!

- Doris. - No!

- It’s Katie! - Katie.

- What year were you born? - 1937.

No!

- 1962! - 1962.

Who’s your favorite musician?

- Patti Page. - No!

It’s REM!

- REM, I remember. - Oh, come on.

- Everything’s gonna be okay. - ( sobs )

We’ll be okay.

Come on, it’s gonna be all right.

- It’s gonna be all right. - You’re right.

Okay, all right. Come on.

I’ve just got to pull myself together.

All right, now you do that.

Go pull yourself together.

You can fight it, honey!

You can, sure.

As you get older, the timber of your voice will age.

Well, you sound like your mother

so you may actually sound like her.

You might even talk endlessly about your body functions,

especially at meals, or you might just turn on

the weather channel countless times during the day.

But you don’t--you don’t have to think like her, you know?

You don’t have to say the things she says

because you’re you, Katie!

That’s why I married you.

- Oh, I love you Katie, it’s-- - And I love you too.

How about a little cuddle before we go to bed?

- No. No! - Oh, come on!

- Yeah, you want me! - No!

- Yeah, come on! - No!

No! No! No! No!

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Live from Crafton, California, BET TV,

that’s Black Entertainment Television,

presents The Dark Side with Nat X,

the only show on TV written by a brother,

produced by a brother, that’s strictly for the brothers.

Now get ready for a man who’s so black, he sweats tar.

Step back, ’cause here comes Nat!

( applause )

Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to a special edition

of The Dark Side, the only 15-minute show on TV.

But tonight, the man said take as much time as I want.

I wonder why.

I think we all know who the man is.

I’m talking about the man that made all the big keys

on a piano white and all the little keys black.

I’m talking about the man that gets pleasure

from watching a bunch of white guys in uniforms

take a stick and smack some black around.

I’m not talking about Rodney King.

I’m talking about hockey!

( laughter )

All right.

We got a big show, but first, I wanna say hello

to all my fans watching on brand-new TVs.

( laughter, applause )

Thanks for leaving the studio alone.

All right, now before I bring up my first guest,

I wanna say-- Hey, what’s going on? ( siren wailing )

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, get out of here!

Get out of here! Watch out!

Hey, hey! Leave me alone.

I ain’t do nothing! I ain’t do--Ah!

( screaming )

Oh! Oh, damn!

( screaming )

Help!

( sighs )

( sighs ) Boy, I haven’t hurt that bad

since I saw a rerun lose that dance contest

on What’s Happening Now?

( laughter )

Now before I bring out my first guest,

I wanna update you on the Jeffrey Dahmer situation.

This week, Jeff got another life sentence,

upping his time to 994 years.

Now if he was a black man,

they would have given him some real time.

994, he’s gonna walk in 416.

Okay, my first guest tonight-- my first guest tonight

have already clinched this year’s James Avery Award.

I want you to please welcome the Rodney King Jury.

*

Sit your 12 white asses down.

Okay, quick, how many fingers?

Two?

Oh, but that’s right. So you can see, huh?

Now which one of you is the foreman?

( robotic voice ) That would be me, Nat.

Yeah, you better disguise your voice!

Now how did you 12 get selected for the jury?

Well, in jury selection,

a primary interest is to avoid any prejudgments.

Uh, yes, Nat, we were selected

because we have never seen or heard

about this Rodney King incident before the trial.

Never seen or heard about Rodney King?

Where was you living, on the space shuttle?

You mean while Rodney was getting beat up,

you guys were orbiting the moon, drinking some Tang?

What are you, a bunch of Martians? What’s going on?

I resent the implication that we are from Mars.

Now if there’s more to the tape

than the general public has seen, we saw the whole tape.

The whole tape? Now what part did I miss?

The part where Rodney picks up his ass?

( laughter )

I mean, what’s wrong with you people?

Did you enjoy what was going on?

Did you think they were beating up Don King?

( laughter, applause )

Mr. X, when you watch the tape, it’s clear,

Rodney King provoked the police response.

Response? Response?

They beat his butt so bad my ass hurt.

I mean, come on, Hinckley guys, you know,

he shot in the prison, nobody beat his ass.

May I say something?

( laughter )

Nat, when you watch it frame by frame,

you can see a lot of those blows never landed on Mr. King.

Never landed?

The last time I saw a black man get beat that bad

was on pay-per-view!

And Mike Tyson gave him a hug at the end!

Sammy, get these Quakers out of here.

Come on! Get out of here!

You all are still bitter about Jerry Cody, that’s what it is.

All right, I got to end this show right now

before the National Guard gets in here.

But stay tuned for grudge match with Rodney King and the police.

Stay strong, brothers.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( laughter, applause)

*

Good evening, and welcome to Showcase Playhouse Theater.

Tonight, we’re pleased to present They Wanted to Fly,

a three-act play by Cameron Hormel.

We’d like to welcome our new sponsor tonight,

Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose. ( laughter )

When you hear "nice ass",

chances are, it’s Nice Ass, Baby.

And now, Act 1

of They Wanted to Fly.

*

What are you thinking about?

Oh, you wouldn’t understand, you’re just a girl.

Oh, I’m also your best friend.

I was thinking, I wish I could fly.

You do?

So do I!

Really?

( both breathing heavily )

More than anything.

Maybe if we both wish hard enough, we really can fly.

That concludes Act 1.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I must apologize most sincerely, as apparently,

there is no such product as Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose

and I have been a victim of a hoax.

In Act 2 of They Wanted to Fly,

Toby and Janet have grown into teenagers.

Their friendship has blossomed into sexual awareness,

but one thing has remained the same,

their desire to fly.

Boy, when you stand up here and wave your arms,

it almost feels like you’re flying.

It does, doesn’t it?

( laughs )

That was fun.

Janet, do you think that maybe,

somehow, we really could fly?

You mean just lift off the ground up into the sky?

Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.

*

I would like to apologize

to the good people at Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose.

Their product is very real and I’m sure, an excellent value.

In the third and final act of They Wanted to Fly,

many years have passed.

Toby and Janet have gone their different ways,

but they agree to meet once more at their favorite spot.

*

Hello, Janet.

Hello, Toby.

I guess you heard about this.

You tried to fly, didn’t you?

They called it attempted suicide.

Toby, remember when we used to wish we could fly?

Maybe we really can.

Don’t make fun, Janet!

I’m stuck in this wheelchair.

Well, maybe that doesn’t matter.

Maybe nothing matters except that if we want it bad enough,

we can fly off together into the sky.

Wouldn’t that be something?

Wouldn’t that be something?

*

( laughter )

Well, that concludes

Cameron Hormels’ They Wanted to Fly.

Join us next time for Mr. Hormels’ latest play,

They Wanted to Get Totally Nude.

Good night.

( applause )

( cheering and applause )

*

Well, it’s been quite a cavalcade.

with special guest Jay Leno... ( cheers )

Mr. Bruce Springsteen!

Thanks very much! Happy Mother’s Day!

I love you, baby!

Sorry, Joe!

Thanks a lot! Good night everybody!

*