All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E19.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (SoranĂ®)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:08,475 Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement. 2 00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,243 Good evening, I’m Ross Perot. 3 00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:11,745 And I got to tell you something. 4 00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:13,346 Now what happened last week in Los Angeles 5 00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:15,215 scared me half to death. 6 00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:16,483 I’m telling you, ’cause what I saw 7 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,618 was a country coming apart at the seams. 8 00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,353 And what I didn’t see was President Bush 9 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:21,755 doing much anything about it. 10 00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,056 Now first thing I would have done 11 00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,091 is got on a plane going straight to Los Angeles. 12 00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,426 ’Cause I can’t deal with a problem 13 00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,328 unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, taste it, 14 00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:31,564 and touch it a little more. ( laughter ) 15 00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:32,699 That’s right. 16 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:33,833 Now, at last count, 17 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,635 there was $712 million in damage done 18 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:36,870 during the L.A. riots. 19 00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:39,706 Well, see this right here? 20 00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:41,574 ( laughter ) 21 00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,177 Now, all right. 22 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,881 See, this here is a check for exactly $712 million. 23 00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:49,516 That’s right. It’s good, too. 24 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,519 Now I’ve got $3 billion more sitting back at home. 25 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:55,255 So here it is, in cash, I’m taking care of everything. 26 00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:57,691 Everything’s covered, done deal, it’s over. 27 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,858 What I’m saying right now is, 28 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,395 South Central L.A., problem solved. 29 00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,930 But this is a one-time deal. 30 00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,865 If you burn down a building tomorrow, that’s your problem. 31 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,134 ( laughter ) 32 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,070 Okay. ( cheering and applause ) 33 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,604 Oh, thank you. 34 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:12,706 Now... 35 00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,710 Now here’s what I’m gonna do. 36 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,178 I’m gonna rebuild every building, 37 00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,479 state-of-the-art technology, 38 00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,114 put computers in every one of them, 39 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:22,482 train the Crips, train the Bloods 40 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,452 to operate the computers, 41 00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:27,587 put them to work competing against the Japanese. 42 00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:28,822 Now this ain’t charity. 43 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,457 Charity has its place, but not here. 44 00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,225 This here’s a business proposition. 45 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,194 ’Cause you see, I’m gonna take 5 percent of everything 46 00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:36,863 that goes through this operation from now through perpetuity, 47 00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:39,099 5 percent right off the top. 48 00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:41,134 Business proposition, pure and simple. 49 00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,269 Same thing if you elect me president. 50 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:45,538 Now see here, President Bush gets-- 51 00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:48,842 All right. President Bush gets $200,000 a year. Forget it. 52 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,777 If I’m President, we get 0 percent growth, 53 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:52,579 you don’t pay me nothing. 54 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:53,713 1 percent growth? 55 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,682 Hell, a chimpanzee could run this country 56 00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:58,451 and get 1 percent growth. 57 00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,886 I’m sorry. 58 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:01,554 So you don’t pay me dime one. 59 00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,590 Got my own plane, don’t need Air Force One. 60 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,860 ( laughter ) 61 00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,228 State Dinners? 62 00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:11,798 I’ll pay it, it’s nothing to me, sand off a beach. 63 00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:13,767 Now don’t worry about old Ross Perot, 64 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,603 I got $3 billion back at home. 65 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,572 Now here’s the deal. Here’s what I’m trying to say. 66 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,574 Three percent growth in our economy, 67 00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:25,679 $120 billion growth in our GNP, I get a billion dollars. 68 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,648 ( laughter ) 69 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,752 Now think about it, that’s a bargain. 70 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,521 You’re up $119 billion. 71 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,623 I’m telling you, 2.99 percent growth, 72 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,625 I don’t see a penny, not one red cent. 73 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,093 But don’t feel sorry for me. 74 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:41,895 I got $3 billion. 75 00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,763 I’m gonna be fine. 76 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,665 Now this here’s a business proposition. 77 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:49,269 Now see, 4 percent growth, you pay me $20 billion. 78 00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,271 ( laughter ) 79 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,773 The way I see it, you’re ahead $140 billion, see? 80 00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,208 Now this ain’t no golden parachute, 81 00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:57,677 this isn’t the President GM giving himself a big bonus 82 00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,846 when the company’s losing money sending jobs to Mexico. 83 00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:02,349 I get my money if and when you get yours. 84 00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:06,052 Now 5 percent growth, I get $50 billion. 85 00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:09,055 ( laughter ) 86 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:14,060 Everybody’s happy, see? See, that’s it. 87 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,929 It’s all right there just laid out, that’s off a table, 88 00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,230 you can take it, you can leave it. 89 00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:18,932 Frankly, I don’t care. I’m gonna do fine. 90 00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:22,369 I got $3 billion sitting in the bank. 91 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,070 Now I bought four minutes of national airtime 92 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,205 to lay this out for you all, 93 00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,107 and I see I got about 30 seconds left here, 94 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:31,244 which I sold on contingency to the Munsingwear people. 95 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:35,248 "Munsingwear, the underwear for the active man. 96 00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,384 ( laughter ) 97 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,619 Cut generously with a double-flap pouch 98 00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,388 for extra comfort, 99 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:44,858 100 percent mercerized combed cotton to prevent shrinkage. 100 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,093 Munsingwear, ’cause you don’t want your underwear 101 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,462 to be like an Apache creeping up on you 102 00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,132 when you least expect it." 103 00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,100 Thank you. 104 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,503 Announcer: Paid for by the Perot for President Committee, 105 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:57,971 and Munsingwear. 106 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,509 Now I see I still have five seconds left, 107 00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:03,843 and I can’t deal with five seconds 108 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,645 unless I can feel it, touch it, smell it, eat it, 109 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,048 and pass it through my lower intestine. 110 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,315 But you know what? 111 00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:12,318 Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night! 112 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,321 * 113 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,940 Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live! 114 00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:41,147 With Dana Carvey... 115 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,550 Chris Farley... 116 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:46,853 Phil Hartman... 117 00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:49,689 Victoria Jackson... 118 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,726 Mike Myers... 119 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,662 Kevin Nealon... 120 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,198 Chris Rock... 121 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,100 Julia Sweeney... 122 00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:04,938 with Ellen Cleghorne... 123 00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,440 Siobhan Fallon... 124 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,309 Tim Meadows... 125 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,948 Adam Sandler... 126 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:18,051 Rob Schneider... 127 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,653 David Spade... 128 00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:24,057 and featuring Melanie Hutsell... 129 00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,626 G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band. 130 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,664 Musical guest, Bruce Springsteen... 131 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,737 and starring Tom Hanks. 132 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:50,850 Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks. 133 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,833 ( cheering and applause ) 134 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,137 Thank you, thank you! 135 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:14,474 Thank you! Thank you! 136 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,043 Thank you. Thank you very much! 137 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,778 It’s great to be back on the show. 138 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,847 I have this announcement to make. 139 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,283 "Bruce is in the building." 140 00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,251 ( cheering and applause ) 141 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,687 Right. 142 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,423 It is really special to be here, in fact, 143 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,158 now when the show was first announced, 144 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,462 a certain fine actor by the name of Joe Pesci 145 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,796 was going to be here. 146 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,897 All right, unfortunately... 147 00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:42,135 Unfortunately, his movie is running a little late, 148 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,403 so they gave me a call. 149 00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,172 It was the last minute. I was free, so, bang, here I am. 150 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:50,210 But you know, what a finale to a great year 151 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,779 this would have been for Mr. Joe Pesci. 152 00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:57,350 Now first... he wins an Academy Award 153 00:06:57,384 --> 00:07:00,186 for his role in Goodfellas,huh? 154 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,422 Yes, absolutely. 155 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:05,291 I’m sure he thanks you for that. 156 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:08,628 Then he’s in a very popular movie called My Cousin Vinny. 157 00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,797 That’s right. 158 00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:12,799 That was a lot of fun for him. 159 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,101 Later this month, Mr. Pesci will be seen 160 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,938 in a little film called Lethal Weapon 3. 161 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,708 Indeed, yes! 162 00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,376 And right now, this very minute, 163 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,645 he’s working with none other than Macaulay Culkin 164 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,114 in Home Alone 2. 165 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,849 Wow! 166 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,785 Huh! 167 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:35,121 Tonight, I can only promise to do my best 168 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:39,592 to fill Mr. Joe Pesci’s very large shoes. 169 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,428 So stick around. 170 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,397 ( cheering and applause ) 171 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,339 I don’t know what I’m doing. 172 00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,074 I don’t know what I’m doing. 173 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,810 I do not know what I’m doing. ( indistinct shouting ) 174 00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,146 What about that, huh? What about that? 175 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,481 Who are you kidding, man? 176 00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:03,550 They just rewrote stuff they came up with 10 days ago. 177 00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:05,085 What? That was great. Come on. 178 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,920 I’m up there in front of millions of people 179 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,888 going on about Joe Pesci’s wild year, 180 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,724 - like some kind of dope. - Yeah. 181 00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,125 I don’t even plug League of Their Own. 182 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,094 It’s coming out in July, with Geena Davis and Madonna. 183 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,729 I mean, what kind of businessman am I? 184 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,897 ( laughter ) Businessman! 185 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,633 You are something, man. You are really funny. 186 00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,037 What do you mean, I’m funny? 187 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,406 ( laughter ) You’re funny, you know? 188 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,108 It’s a good monologue, you told a funny story, 189 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,610 you’re a funny guy. 190 00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:31,778 What do you mean? 191 00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:34,881 Do I talk funny, what, what? 192 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,183 I’m just saying it’s funny the way you tell a story, 193 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,785 - and everything. - Yeah, I know. Funny, how? 194 00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,521 I mean, what’s funny about it? 195 00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:44,591 Hey, Tommy, look, you know, you got it all wrong here. 196 00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,059 No, wait, wait, wait, Farley! He knows! 197 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,360 He’s a big boy. He knows what he said. 198 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,896 What did you say? Funny, how? 199 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,431 What? 200 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,066 - Just you’re funny. - You mean-- 201 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,368 Look, let me understand this, ’cause, you know, maybe it’s me. 202 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,936 I’m a little goofed up, you know? 203 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,672 Maybe--But I’m funny, how? 204 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,573 Maybe, like I’m a clown? 205 00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,242 Like I’m here to amuse you? 206 00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,778 I make you laugh, I’m here to amuse you? 207 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,379 Funny? What do you mean, funny? 208 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,015 Funny, how? How am I so funny? 209 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,217 Just, you know, how to tell a story. 210 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,819 No! No, no, no, I don’t know! 211 00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,320 You said it. How do I know? 212 00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:16,790 You said I’m funny! Why am I so funny? 213 00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,758 What is so funny about me? 214 00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,593 You tell me! Tell me! 215 00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,029 What is so freaking funny? 216 00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:26,800 ( cheering and applause ) 217 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,134 - Ah, come on. - ( laughs ) 218 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,104 ( indistinct chattering ) 219 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,809 What, what, what, what, what? What is it? What is it? 220 00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,243 I got to talk to you about this hotel-- 221 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,245 You’re hanging around me like a vulture. What do you want? 222 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,047 I got to talk to you about this hotel bill. 223 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,816 $17,000 for room service. 224 00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,184 I mean, I don’t mean to be out of order here. 225 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,318 Oh, you don’t mean to be out of order, 226 00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,486 but what do you call embarrassing me 227 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,687 in front of my friends? 228 00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,489 Tom, it’s not me, it’s the network. 229 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,658 Oh! You calling me a deadbeat? 230 00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:54,060 - You know, you’re a mutt, you know that? You’re a mutt. - Hey, come on, come on, Tom. 231 00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,829 - Don’t be like that. - Now what do you mean? Now what do you mean? 232 00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,063 What are you talking about, huh? 233 00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:01,334 ( indistinct shouting ) 234 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,203 Who do you think you are? ( indistinct shouting ) 235 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:08,174 Hey! Stick around, everybody, Bruce Springsteen is here. 236 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,776 We’ll be right back! 237 00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,746 ( cheering and applause ) 238 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,520 My friends, we Los "Angelesens" 239 00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,922 have been through a lot these last few days 240 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,624 and no one knows that better than we here 241 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:28,128 at John Cabrizio Chevrolet, Mazda, Hyundai. 242 00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,430 Our leaders have been stressing the need for calm. 243 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,632 They say the insanity must end. 244 00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:35,235 But I say, "Let the insanity continue 245 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:38,338 until all these cars are moved out!" 246 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:42,575 Look at this crazy price, $8,899 247 00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:45,612 for this fully loaded, slightly looted Mazda RX-7. 248 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,847 Just replace the missing driver’s seat 249 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:51,151 and you’ll go from 0 to 60 in under seven seconds. 250 00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,787 And look at this burned out Chevy Blazer! 251 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,956 Any jury would agree that at $1,200, 252 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,859 you’re guilty of getting a good deal. 253 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:04,764 Or how about $50 for this still burning Chevy pickup? 254 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,267 We can’t put it out! 255 00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,269 Friends, I think we all agree 256 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,805 that fundamental change is required 257 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,873 and change is practically all you’ll need 258 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,910 to drive off on this new Hyundai Excel. 259 00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,912 So I am pleading with you. 260 00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:21,348 Can’t we come together as a community 261 00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,351 and buy what’s left of this Mazda 626? 262 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,585 ( laughter ) 263 00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,821 I think we can, 264 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,389 because, my fellow Los "Angelesens," 265 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,091 the healing has begun. 266 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,126 But at these prices, the healing won’t last long! 267 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,260 So come on down. 268 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,395 You’ll feel like a looter 269 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,897 at John Cabrizio Chevy, Mazda, Hyundai. 270 00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,166 Free hotdogs for the little looters. 271 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,136 ( cheering and applause ) 272 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:53,413 ( laughter ) 273 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,316 Ah, okay, today’s meeting comes to order, 274 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,451 And my friends, we have scored another major coup 275 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,920 for all members in good standing. 276 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,322 Now don’t concern yourselves with how we did it, 277 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,691 because it involves unsightly back-room haggling. 278 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,861 Just get ready to enjoy another great perk 279 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:11,931 as a card-carrying fan of Mr. Belvedere, all right? 280 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,067 If you leave your membership plaque 281 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,102 on the dashboard of your car, 282 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,405 Joe Gally said we can park in the handicapped space 283 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,273 at his brother’s convenience mart, okay? 284 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,941 - Oh! - Yes. 285 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,243 That’s so wonderful, 286 00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,211 because sometimes I only have a few items to buy, 287 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,346 like wine and cat food, 288 00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,848 now I can go in and out so much quicker. 289 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,950 Right. So enjoy! 290 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,687 Okay, and now, to our next order of business 291 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,822 is, ah, the nickname issue. 292 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,558 Now last time we spoke, we resolved to come up 293 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:42,228 with a nickname for Mr. Belvedere that only we use 294 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,331 so we can identify each other in a strange town or something? 295 00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,100 Right? Okay, ideas? 296 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:52,105 How about Thaddius or Big Bo? 297 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,273 Benny. 298 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:56,376 How about the Man Who Rides Alone? 299 00:12:56,409 --> 00:13:00,246 Head Cheese? 300 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,948 El Stinkmeister. 301 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,184 ( boos ) 302 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,953 I like Beacon of Bliss. 303 00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:10,156 How about Brocktoon? 304 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,725 Brocktoon. Hey, I like it. 305 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,926 All right. Let’s vote, all right? 306 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,261 All in favor of Brocktoon, say, "Aye." 307 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,396 Group: Aye! 308 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,597 Not in favor, nay! 309 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,400 - Group: Nay! - Brocktoon it is! 310 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,635 That sounds like a Pepperidge Farm cookie, 311 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,938 - and that’s A-OK with me! - ( laughs ) 312 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,806 Well--Oh, hey, hi! 313 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,108 Welcome, come on in. 314 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,744 Are you a fan of Brocktoon? 315 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,445 What? No. No. 316 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,880 They’re doing a Comedy Night here later, 317 00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,248 and I just got here early to sign up. 318 00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:36,383 Oh, all right. Well, take a seat. 319 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:37,517 Make yourself comfortable. Sit anywhere. 320 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:38,651 We’re just getting ready to move on 321 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,587 to our next order of business. 322 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,123 Uh, but anything else? Yeah. 323 00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:47,160 Yeah, I’d like to say, partly to talk about it, 324 00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:51,765 and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. 325 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,734 Uh, Mr. Belvedere 326 00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:57,937 is the light of my life. 327 00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:01,941 Um, I know I speak for the others, uh, 328 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:07,180 when I say he is so amazing, you know. 329 00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:11,184 And, um, he’s just--I wish, 330 00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:14,721 you know, I wish I could know him more, you know? 331 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:17,257 Because he-- 332 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,326 he is one of a kind, you know? 333 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,230 He’s--I think about him all the time, 334 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,934 and well, I’m wondering, should we kill him? 335 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,969 ( laughter ) 336 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,604 For God’s sakes, no! 337 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,074 Uh, we usually vote, Mr. Chairman. 338 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,975 Well--oh, before we vote, 339 00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:39,112 I’d like Pete to explain why he wants to kill Brocktoon. 340 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,682 I wanna meet this girl, 341 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:47,087 and, uh, I know that she’d be, you know, pretty impressed 342 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,856 if she knew I hung out with Mr. Belvedere. 343 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,891 Well, why kill him then? 344 00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:56,896 Um, because-- 345 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,733 So he wouldn’t know how unworthy I am to hang out with him? 346 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,768 Well, wait, I don’t follow. 347 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,137 What about the girl that you wanna meet? What? 348 00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:06,806 Oh, she’s probably a lesbo anyway. 349 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,408 ( laughter ) 350 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:09,676 Well, I guess we can vote, 351 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,911 but we shouldn’t really have to, people. 352 00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:15,148 All right, all those in favor who wanna kill Mr. Belvedere, 353 00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:18,184 - say, "Aye." - Group: Aye! 354 00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:20,787 All those who don’t think he should be killed, say, "Nay." 355 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,921 Group: Nay! 356 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,556 The nays have it. He lives. 357 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,760 But the vote shouldn’t have been that close, 358 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:30,930 which brings me to an area that I think we need to discuss. 359 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:35,935 Now I got a letter from Mr. Belvedere’s publicist. 360 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:39,105 It seems somebody has been killing his house pets again. 361 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,808 Now I’m not gonna ask which one of you is doing it, 362 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:46,112 but I do think we need to do our exercises. 363 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,148 What exercises? 364 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,083 The exercise that helps keep the line 365 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,186 between reality and fantasy a little less blurry. 366 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:54,320 You’ll see. 367 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,791 - Okay, who wants to start? - Can I? 368 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:01,728 Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere. 369 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:05,732 I shouldn’t want to grab a lock of his hair. 370 00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,866 Now that’s good, Cheryl. 371 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,435 And even though it would be really neat 372 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,871 to have a lock of his hair, you know that’s not right. 373 00:16:11,905 --> 00:16:14,374 - Someone else? - Yeah. Okay. Yeah. 374 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,242 I should like to send him a fan letter 375 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,178 telling him how good he was in the episode 376 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,080 where he teaches everyone how to cook, 377 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:24,317 but I shouldn’t wanna type the letter on a death certificate. 378 00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:27,187 Yes, but then you learned that one the hard way, huh? 379 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,388 All right, yeah. Okay. 380 00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,390 So let’s keep going. Come on. 381 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,460 I should like watching Mr. Belvedere a lot, 382 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,161 but I shouldn’t have to masturbate 383 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,864 at the end of every episode. ( laughter ) 384 00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,232 That’s right. 385 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,935 That is right. Discipline! Next? 386 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,336 Uh, yeah. 387 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,972 I should want to cook Brocktoon a simple dinner 388 00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,375 if he truly accepts the offer, 389 00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:52,545 - but not if I sense that he accepts it telepathically. - Yes, okay. 390 00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,482 But let’s keep the exercises in the form of should 391 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,784 and shouldn’t, okay? 392 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,152 Next? 393 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,855 I should wanna cook him a simple meal, 394 00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:05,058 but I shouldn’t want to cut into him, 395 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,029 to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, 396 00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:13,600 to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key. 397 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,569 ( laughter ) 398 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,443 Good. 399 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,546 I got one. 400 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:30,116 I should wanna say hi to him nicely, 401 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:33,753 I shouldn’t wanna keep him in a big jar in my basement. 402 00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,689 All right, Doug, that’s great. 403 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,425 We understand that now. Go on, though. 404 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:41,194 Why shouldn’t you put him in a big jar in your basement? 405 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,700 Because his breath would fog up the glass, 406 00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,068 and I wouldn’t be able to see him? 407 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,602 Well, now there is that, 408 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,404 - but there’s also-- - You people are crazy! 409 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,442 Uh, you’re talking about killing Mr. Belvedere, 410 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,378 and putting this Brocktoon guy in a big jar, 411 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,680 and dead house pets? 412 00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:04,351 I mean, can’t you see what you’re talking about is wrong? 413 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,420 I mean, can’t you see that? 414 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,391 ( screaming ) Help! ( laughter ) 415 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,296 ( cheering and applause ) 416 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,207 * 417 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,743 Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon. 418 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:34,447 ( cheering and applause ) 419 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:47,727 Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, and I’m a dysfunctional looter. 420 00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:50,697 Well, upon reviewing the riot-damaged neighborhoods 421 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,831 in Los Angeles this week, 422 00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:53,333 President Bush was said to be shocked 423 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,468 by what black people really look like close-up. 424 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,203 ( laughter ) 425 00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:00,173 ( cheering and applause ) 426 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,246 And in an act of good Samaritanship, 427 00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,083 a South Central L.A. youth here instructs a national guardsman 428 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,686 on the proper loading procedure of his M-16. 429 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,388 ( laughter, applause ) 430 00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,157 Just to give you an idea of the speed 431 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,591 with which the riot developed, 432 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,193 Tower Records in South Central L.A. 433 00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,028 was broken in two, and within four minutes, 434 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,596 looters had stripped it completely, 435 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,932 barely leaving only the Dan Fogelberg section. 436 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,802 ( laughter ) 437 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:32,038 Streets of L.A. are relatively quiet now 438 00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,640 as thousands of looters are staying home 439 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,875 to figure out how to program their new VCRs. 440 00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:39,879 ( laughter ) 441 00:19:39,913 --> 00:19:42,849 ( cheering and applause ) 442 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,887 And President Bush has ordered a federal civil investigation 443 00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,556 of the Rodney King case in an effort 444 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,391 to indict the four accused officers. 445 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,059 Heading up the investigation are surviving members 446 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,394 of the Warren Commission. 447 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,863 ( laughter ) 448 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,298 Now just in from Los Angeles 449 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,800 is our West Coast correspondent, Jay Leno. 450 00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:02,202 ( cheering and applause ) 451 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:06,473 Thank you, Kevin. Thank you. Just-- 452 00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,641 - Thank you. - What’s it like out there, Jay? 453 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,110 Well, I just got back from Los Angeles 454 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:11,978 as with the USO entertaining the troops 455 00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:13,380 on Hollywood Boulevard. 456 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,748 All right. 457 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,516 Any signs of encouragement? 458 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,418 Kevin, I did see signs of encouragement. 459 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,954 Two days into the rioting, I saw something very encouraging. 460 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,256 I saw a black man and a white man 461 00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,091 stealing a television together. 462 00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,627 - So I think that that is always a good sign. - Really? That’s good. 463 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:28,962 That’s a good sign. 464 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,630 Now, how do you think the president 465 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,065 is handling the whole thing? 466 00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,466 I think President basically had a touch. 467 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,001 Just two weeks ago, he said, 468 00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:38,104 "We don’t have as many homeless now as we did a year ago," 469 00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:39,639 which is not really true. 470 00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:40,807 You know, the government will always try 471 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,242 to reclassify people 472 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,476 so it looks better on the census. 473 00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,145 I didn’t call them homeless anymore. 474 00:20:45,178 --> 00:20:47,313 I think now they’re called outdoorsmen. 475 00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,050 Yeah, more people living outdoors, 476 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:53,186 more people enjoying the outdoors. 477 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,588 Now, what about the Republicans? Do they have a handle on it? 478 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:58,024 Actually, Buchanan, just today, has come out with an idea 479 00:20:58,058 --> 00:21:00,460 to help pay for some of the riot damage. 480 00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:03,797 He wants to put a box tax on the homeless. 481 00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,665 See, the bigger the box they’re living in, 482 00:21:05,699 --> 00:21:07,467 the more they would pay, 483 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,337 so basically, draconian but a progressive tax. 484 00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,971 Makes sense. Okay, thank you, Jay. 485 00:21:12,072 --> 00:21:13,173 - Thank you, Kevin. - Good luck out there. 486 00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:16,142 ( cheering and applause ) 487 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,552 Thank you, Jay. 488 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:30,156 We wish Jay good luck for the Tonight’s Show. 489 00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:31,558 ( applause ) 490 00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:33,860 An angry mob chanted anti-US slogans 491 00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:37,731 and burned American flags in Iraq this week. 492 00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:41,601 Oh, I’m sorry, that crowd was in Washington, my mistake. 493 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,870 And in June, George Foreman is scheduled 494 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:48,008 to fight former heavyweight Joe Frazier. ( chuckles ) 495 00:21:52,012 --> 00:21:54,881 There was a startling development in Bangladesh today. 496 00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:58,385 Let’s look at that story from another angle. 497 00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:02,722 There was a startling development in Bangladesh today. 498 00:22:05,125 --> 00:22:07,494 Former President Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev 499 00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,129 dressed up as cowboys last week 500 00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:11,097 as Reagan came under the mistaken impression 501 00:22:11,131 --> 00:22:13,166 that the city had been attacked by Indians. 502 00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:16,403 ( laughter ) 503 00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:18,405 And at a Clinton rally this week, 504 00:22:18,438 --> 00:22:19,673 Hillary Clinton entertained the crowd 505 00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:22,075 with her hilarious Ross Perot imitation. 506 00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:23,977 ( laughter, applause ) 507 00:22:25,879 --> 00:22:27,647 Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow and here with a commentary 508 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,582 is Saturday Night Live’s own David Spade. 509 00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:30,850 - David? - Yeah. 510 00:22:30,884 --> 00:22:32,085 ( cheering and applause ) 511 00:22:32,118 --> 00:22:34,821 Thank you, Kevin. 512 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,157 You know, mothers deserve this day of recognition 513 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,658 for all they put up with. 514 00:22:38,692 --> 00:22:40,560 I’m from Arizona, and like a lot of people, 515 00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:42,762 I don’t get to see my mom much anymore. 516 00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:44,130 But before I get into that, 517 00:22:44,164 --> 00:22:46,332 let me give you a brief history of my family. 518 00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,368 We moved to Arizona when I was 4. 519 00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:52,205 My parents got divorced when I was 5 when my dad just left. 520 00:22:52,238 --> 00:22:53,506 It was one of those divorces. 521 00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:56,176 He just took off one day and he showed up once a year 522 00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:57,977 and gave me a new football for Christmas 523 00:22:58,011 --> 00:22:59,279 and thought he was my hero again. 524 00:22:59,312 --> 00:23:00,447 "Ooh, thanks, Dad. 525 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:01,648 Ooh, it’s two colors. 526 00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:03,516 You’re spoiling me, you bastard." 527 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:06,219 That’s why I love my mother. She’s always there. 528 00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:08,054 She knew I always wanted to be on TV. 529 00:23:08,088 --> 00:23:10,590 And she told me something once and stayed with me. 530 00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:13,493 When I grew up, one night at dinner, she said, 531 00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:15,061 "Don’t cling to your fantasies 532 00:23:15,061 --> 00:23:17,564 and quit staring at me, little freak." 533 00:23:17,597 --> 00:23:19,199 I don’t think she meant it. She was in a bad mood. 534 00:23:19,232 --> 00:23:21,134 The alimony check was late or something. 535 00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:23,737 She also said a lot of positive things. 536 00:23:23,770 --> 00:23:25,338 Nothing comes to mind right now, 537 00:23:25,372 --> 00:23:28,708 but the point is she’s a great lady and she cares about me. 538 00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:31,244 She doesn’t care if the bass player from Megadeth 539 00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:32,712 isn’t getting along with the drummer 540 00:23:32,746 --> 00:23:35,181 and they might back out of their summer tour. 541 00:23:35,215 --> 00:23:37,150 She doesn’t care if you can’t get the Playboy channel 542 00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:38,585 on some parts of Manhattan 543 00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:41,321 ’cause of some stupid zoning thing I don’t understand 544 00:23:41,354 --> 00:23:43,256 and I might have to move because of it. 545 00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:45,959 She doesn’t let these important issues bother her. 546 00:23:45,992 --> 00:23:48,661 She just puts her hair up in rubber band and moves on. 547 00:23:48,695 --> 00:23:50,296 I always admired that. 548 00:23:50,330 --> 00:23:51,831 The only thing bad about Mother’s Day 549 00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:54,768 is it’s close to Father’s Day, and on Father’s Day, 550 00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,736 I have to get together with my real dad 551 00:23:56,770 --> 00:23:59,539 and go to some happy hour and check out girls. 552 00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:01,041 It’s so awkward. 553 00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:03,043 I’ll say, "Hey, Dad, that’s girl’s doable," 554 00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,244 and he’ll chime in, 555 00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,413 "I’ll tell you who’s doable, your mom. 556 00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:08,148 When I met her, I was a little drunk, 557 00:24:08,181 --> 00:24:10,283 but she was wasted, buddy, and ready to go." 558 00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:12,252 "Ho, ho, ho. Dad, please, that’s mom. 559 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:13,953 That’s my mom. Remember how that works. 560 00:24:14,054 --> 00:24:15,088 Don’t cross me out. 561 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,290 Read me a story or something, you sicko." 562 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,892 "Hey, I’m just telling you. 563 00:24:18,925 --> 00:24:20,727 By the time we got in the bedroom, we--" 564 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,462 "Okay, got it, all right. Come on. 565 00:24:22,495 --> 00:24:24,264 Give me a lifesaver. Tuck me in. 566 00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,633 Let’s toss the ball. Be normal, you perv. 567 00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:28,601 ( laughter ) 568 00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:30,904 So that’s the day I’m not looking forward to. 569 00:24:30,937 --> 00:24:32,572 Anyway, I’m not gonna see her tomorrow. 570 00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,341 She wanted me to fly home this weekend, 571 00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:35,842 but I told her I had to work. 572 00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,078 And she said, "Can’t you get someone else to stand there 573 00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:39,245 and wave goodnight for you?" 574 00:24:39,279 --> 00:24:40,647 Now that hurt. 575 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,949 But then again, she didn’t need to. 576 00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,851 And in closing, I really miss her 577 00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:45,985 and I hope all the moms out there 578 00:24:46,086 --> 00:24:47,721 have a great day ’cause they deserve it. 579 00:24:47,754 --> 00:24:49,456 ( applause ) Thank you, David. 580 00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:51,591 - Thank you, Kevin Nealon. - Thank you. 581 00:24:58,798 --> 00:25:01,034 Last month, rocker David Bowie married a man 582 00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:04,904 and a secret--sorry, that’s Imam, the supermodel. 583 00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:06,206 I’m sorry. 584 00:25:08,641 --> 00:25:10,577 And on the entertainment front, 585 00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:13,246 New Kids on the Block are considering solo careers. 586 00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:17,183 It’s not sure who will be called Block, New, or Kids. 587 00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:20,053 The Grand Canyon-- 588 00:25:22,822 --> 00:25:24,591 Well, McDonald Douglas announced this week 589 00:25:24,624 --> 00:25:26,760 its plans to build a huge two-story jet 590 00:25:26,793 --> 00:25:29,229 capable of carrying 511 passengers. 591 00:25:29,262 --> 00:25:31,598 Not to be outdone, Boeing has announced its plans 592 00:25:31,631 --> 00:25:35,068 to build an even bigger version. 593 00:25:35,101 --> 00:25:39,172 A new medical study has found eating celery 594 00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:40,874 can lower high blood pressure in rats. 595 00:25:40,907 --> 00:25:43,076 The same study shows rats only get high blood pressure 596 00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:44,944 because they’re forced to take part in studies. 597 00:25:44,978 --> 00:25:48,148 ( laughter ) 598 00:25:48,181 --> 00:25:50,283 Further studies reveal that four out of five people 599 00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,218 think that the fifth one is an idiot. 600 00:25:52,252 --> 00:25:54,821 ( laughter ) 601 00:25:54,854 --> 00:25:56,356 All right, and here with a commentary 602 00:25:56,389 --> 00:25:58,692 is Weekend Update’s Queen Shenequa, Queen? 603 00:25:58,725 --> 00:26:01,661 ( cheering and applause ) 604 00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:05,865 Hi, America. 605 00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:08,735 Queen Shenequa, jetlagged and back from covering 606 00:26:08,768 --> 00:26:11,571 the Rodney King incident in Los Angeles. 607 00:26:11,604 --> 00:26:13,840 Los Angeles, they should change the name 608 00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:16,576 to Lost Projects on Fire. 609 00:26:16,609 --> 00:26:19,212 See, I was visiting my stupid girlfriend, Christine, 610 00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:22,082 she lives in California, her and her stupid boyfriend, Sherman. 611 00:26:22,115 --> 00:26:24,184 She said, "Queen Shenequa, Queen Shenequa. 612 00:26:24,217 --> 00:26:26,286 Sherman was out shopping during the riots. 613 00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:28,121 They got me a high chair." 614 00:26:28,154 --> 00:26:29,422 I said, "A high chair? 615 00:26:29,456 --> 00:26:31,491 Christine, you ain’t even got no kids." 616 00:26:31,524 --> 00:26:33,560 She says, "So mind your business. 617 00:26:33,593 --> 00:26:35,729 At least he was thinking about me." 618 00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:39,532 ( laughter ) 619 00:26:39,566 --> 00:26:42,435 I said, "Yeah, but what was he thinking, a high chair?" 620 00:26:42,469 --> 00:26:45,105 Now not that I would loot, but if I did, 621 00:26:45,138 --> 00:26:47,540 I’d get me a new washer and dryer 622 00:26:47,574 --> 00:26:50,176 side by side in designer colors, 623 00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:52,779 automatic fabric softener dispenser 624 00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,482 lynch wrapped with a quiet spin cycle, 625 00:26:55,515 --> 00:26:58,084 retails for about $1,895. 626 00:26:58,084 --> 00:26:59,152 But that’s just me. 627 00:26:59,185 --> 00:27:01,021 Not that I would loot or nothing. 628 00:27:01,021 --> 00:27:03,356 But a high chair, chair, please. 629 00:27:03,390 --> 00:27:04,791 Them two are so stupid. 630 00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:07,694 They are as stupid as the jury that let them cops go 631 00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:09,162 that beat up Rodney King! 632 00:27:09,195 --> 00:27:10,397 What did they think? 633 00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:12,866 The cops were beating up Rodney to test his Timex? 634 00:27:12,899 --> 00:27:15,268 To see if he could take a leaky nicky von ticky? 635 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:19,039 ( laughter, applause ) 636 00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:21,708 Now before I go, I would like to wish every mother 637 00:27:21,741 --> 00:27:22,842 a Happy Mother’s Day. 638 00:27:22,876 --> 00:27:24,744 I’m a mother. 639 00:27:24,778 --> 00:27:26,179 I know what you’re thinking. 640 00:27:26,212 --> 00:27:29,115 I look too young to be a mother. ( laughter ) 641 00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:32,786 But I am, and here’s my daughter Princess Aquila Rihanna. 642 00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:35,755 ( cheering and applause ) 643 00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:42,262 Aquila Rihanna is a Swahili name, 644 00:27:42,295 --> 00:27:43,496 translation, little bitch, 645 00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:45,331 don’t even think about getting pregnant. 646 00:27:45,365 --> 00:27:48,301 ( laughter, applause ) 647 00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,073 Would you like to say something? 648 00:27:53,073 --> 00:27:54,641 Yes, I would. 649 00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:56,142 Happy Mother’s Day. 650 00:27:56,176 --> 00:27:59,112 ( applause ) 651 00:28:01,314 --> 00:28:03,850 Grandma said to say thanks for the big TV, 652 00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:07,520 but why does it smell like smoke? 653 00:28:07,554 --> 00:28:09,155 ( laughter ) 654 00:28:09,189 --> 00:28:11,191 Oh. Shut up! ( chuckles ) 655 00:28:11,224 --> 00:28:12,726 Thank you, Kevin! ( chuckles ) 656 00:28:12,759 --> 00:28:14,127 Okay. thank you, Queen. 657 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,097 ( cheering and applause ) 658 00:28:23,770 --> 00:28:27,040 Judy, the first mommy-to-be doll reached the toy stores today. 659 00:28:27,073 --> 00:28:28,608 You simply remove the pregnant stomach 660 00:28:28,641 --> 00:28:30,944 and out pops the little plastic baby. 661 00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:33,780 A paternity suit has already been filed against G.I. Joe. 662 00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:36,750 ( laughter ) 663 00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:38,618 By the way, Judy retails for $19.95, 664 00:28:38,651 --> 00:28:40,186 but with doctor and hospital expenses, 665 00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:44,057 the doll’s total cost could reach $9,864. 666 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:45,725 Well, the verdict is in 667 00:28:45,759 --> 00:28:48,528 and the Rangers’ Adam Graves did not deliberately slash 668 00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,430 Pittsburgh Penguins’ Mario Lemieux, 669 00:28:50,463 --> 00:28:52,265 causing a broken hand for Lemieux 670 00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:54,267 and a four-game suspension for Graves. 671 00:28:54,300 --> 00:28:55,735 Let’s take a look. 672 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,009 Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 673 00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:06,680 The jurors are said to be flying back to Simi Valley today. 674 00:29:06,713 --> 00:29:09,082 ( laughter ) 675 00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:12,018 ( applause ) 676 00:29:12,052 --> 00:29:13,420 For tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, 677 00:29:13,453 --> 00:29:15,388 an impromptu poll was taken at my house and it revealed 678 00:29:15,422 --> 00:29:17,891 that the third most often used phrase by my mother 679 00:29:17,924 --> 00:29:21,561 while I was growing up was, "I’m not your maid." 680 00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,597 The second was, "Because every day is children’s day." 681 00:29:24,631 --> 00:29:26,533 And the first was, "Why lend you money 682 00:29:26,566 --> 00:29:28,868 when you just spend it on Ripple & Hookers." 683 00:29:28,902 --> 00:29:31,838 ( laughter, applause ) 684 00:29:33,740 --> 00:29:35,742 An enterprising concert promoter has signed Rodney King 685 00:29:35,775 --> 00:29:38,812 along with Desiree Washington, the Mike Tyson victim, 686 00:29:38,845 --> 00:29:40,513 and Tracy Edwards, the only person to escape 687 00:29:40,547 --> 00:29:42,182 from Jeffrey Dahmer. 688 00:29:42,215 --> 00:29:44,184 The three will go on an international speaking tour 689 00:29:44,217 --> 00:29:46,853 under the title "Raped, Beaten, and Almost Eaten." 690 00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:48,888 ( laughter ) 691 00:29:48,922 --> 00:29:51,224 I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me. 692 00:29:51,257 --> 00:29:54,194 * 693 00:30:03,103 --> 00:30:06,873 Oh, man, that was great. 694 00:30:06,906 --> 00:30:08,041 I know. I was starving. 695 00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:09,776 Oh, I’m finally relaxing. 696 00:30:09,809 --> 00:30:10,910 God, what an awful day. 697 00:30:10,944 --> 00:30:12,145 Oh, honey. 698 00:30:12,178 --> 00:30:14,114 When I found out that the head of marketing 699 00:30:14,147 --> 00:30:15,281 was Brooke Myers’s son-in-law, 700 00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:17,017 I wanted to quit right then and there. 701 00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:20,520 I mean, how much nepotism can this company endure? 702 00:30:20,553 --> 00:30:22,055 I was so angry. 703 00:30:22,088 --> 00:30:23,323 Well, when you get your business, 704 00:30:23,356 --> 00:30:25,392 let’s see who you hire. ( chuckles ) 705 00:30:27,727 --> 00:30:30,030 You know who you sounded like just then? 706 00:30:30,063 --> 00:30:32,165 - Who? - Your mother. 707 00:30:32,198 --> 00:30:34,401 Oh, don’t! No, no, don’t say that. 708 00:30:34,434 --> 00:30:35,902 God, I hate the thought of that. 709 00:30:35,935 --> 00:30:37,937 That was exactly like something Doris would say. 710 00:30:37,971 --> 00:30:39,806 Oh, don’t even joke, Rick. 711 00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:42,142 But you know, today, I was at lunch 712 00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:44,277 and the waitress asked me if I wanted some iced tea 713 00:30:44,310 --> 00:30:46,012 and I said, "Alrighty." 714 00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:47,147 Alrighty? 715 00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:49,482 - Alrighty? - I was so mortified. 716 00:30:49,516 --> 00:30:50,684 I didn’t know where it came from, 717 00:30:50,717 --> 00:30:53,586 but now I realize, my mother says alrighty. 718 00:30:53,620 --> 00:30:55,055 Oh. Oh, honey. Now come on. 719 00:30:55,088 --> 00:30:59,092 Now please, whatever you do, don’t become your mother. 720 00:30:59,125 --> 00:31:00,727 - God, I won’t. - All right. 721 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,096 What do you wanna do tonight? ( grunts ) 722 00:31:03,129 --> 00:31:04,464 Should we watch Silence of the Lambs 723 00:31:04,497 --> 00:31:06,299 or you wanna finish up with Last Detail? 724 00:31:06,332 --> 00:31:07,867 Oh, let’s finish Last Detail. 725 00:31:07,901 --> 00:31:09,169 Well, all right. 726 00:31:11,071 --> 00:31:13,406 ( sighs ) 727 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,941 Where’s the tracking? 728 00:31:14,974 --> 00:31:18,511 Uh, it’s right on there, underneath the front part. 729 00:31:18,545 --> 00:31:21,481 Oh, here it is. Okay. 730 00:31:21,514 --> 00:31:24,217 Well, these machines don’t have to be so complicated. 731 00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:25,852 It’s like you’ve got to have a college degree 732 00:31:25,885 --> 00:31:27,620 just to learn to work the VCR! 733 00:31:27,654 --> 00:31:29,522 I just don’t get it! 734 00:31:29,556 --> 00:31:32,992 ( laughter ) 735 00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:34,627 You did it again. 736 00:31:34,661 --> 00:31:36,096 - What? - You know, you’re doing it. 737 00:31:36,129 --> 00:31:37,897 You’re sounding just like your mother. 738 00:31:37,931 --> 00:31:39,399 Oh! Now you’re imagining it. 739 00:31:39,432 --> 00:31:41,401 No, I’m not. Oh, this is good. 740 00:31:41,434 --> 00:31:42,736 This is a good part of this movie. 741 00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,604 Oh, I know. I love this movie. 742 00:31:44,637 --> 00:31:48,875 Oh, why did they have to use language like that? Honestly? 743 00:31:48,908 --> 00:31:51,811 ( laughter ) 744 00:31:51,845 --> 00:31:53,313 Yeah, right. 745 00:31:53,346 --> 00:31:54,848 And all the nudity. 746 00:31:54,881 --> 00:31:57,550 It’s a lot sexier when you don’t see everything! 747 00:31:57,584 --> 00:31:59,119 My goodness! 748 00:31:59,119 --> 00:32:01,421 * 749 00:32:01,454 --> 00:32:04,724 Announcer: She returned into her mother! 750 00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:10,463 Say, honey, why don’t we just turn the tape off, huh? 751 00:32:10,497 --> 00:32:12,232 Maybe we could just talk. 752 00:32:12,265 --> 00:32:13,700 Or we could watch some TV, 753 00:32:13,733 --> 00:32:16,269 you know, Murder She Wrote is on in 10 minutes. 754 00:32:16,302 --> 00:32:18,672 ( laughter ) 755 00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:20,940 You don’t watch Murder She Wrote. 756 00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,309 Old ladies watch Murder She Wrote! 757 00:32:23,343 --> 00:32:26,079 You’re 30 years old! 758 00:32:26,079 --> 00:32:27,681 You’re right. I don’t know what’s happening to me. 759 00:32:27,714 --> 00:32:29,482 Honey, I’m not sure you’re feeling well. 760 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,284 Why don’t we just-- we won’t go 761 00:32:31,317 --> 00:32:32,886 to Fred and Mary Jo’s tomorrow night, all right? 762 00:32:32,919 --> 00:32:34,320 We’ll just stay home, huh? 763 00:32:34,354 --> 00:32:36,923 Oh, I forgot about that party. I was looking forward to it. 764 00:32:36,956 --> 00:32:39,759 In fact, I was thinking of buying a new pants outfit, 765 00:32:39,793 --> 00:32:41,661 denim, something with it! 766 00:32:41,695 --> 00:32:44,631 ( laughter ) 767 00:32:44,664 --> 00:32:45,965 A what? 768 00:32:45,999 --> 00:32:48,668 A pant outfit, you know, slacks with a top to match. 769 00:32:48,702 --> 00:32:51,671 Oh, my God! What am I doing? Help me! 770 00:32:51,705 --> 00:32:54,107 I just wanna look spiffy! 771 00:32:54,107 --> 00:32:55,975 What’s happening? I can’t control myself! 772 00:32:56,009 --> 00:32:57,444 Oh, it’s all right, it’s all right! 773 00:32:57,477 --> 00:32:59,112 It’s all right, honey. It’s okay, it’s okay. 774 00:32:59,112 --> 00:33:01,047 It’s okay, it’s okay. Come on, come on. 775 00:33:01,081 --> 00:33:03,049 We can beat this thing. I know we can. Come on. 776 00:33:03,083 --> 00:33:05,518 - What can I do? - Well, let’s--let’s just-- let’s talk about something, 777 00:33:05,552 --> 00:33:07,754 something that your mother would never ever talk about! 778 00:33:07,787 --> 00:33:09,956 - Like, um, like what? - Oh, like politics? 779 00:33:10,056 --> 00:33:13,059 Good, good! Okay! Okay, politics. Yeah, politics. 780 00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:17,163 So, what do you think of Bush’s domestic policies, honey? 781 00:33:17,197 --> 00:33:18,398 Bush? Rick, you really wanna get me started? 782 00:33:18,431 --> 00:33:19,799 Yes, come on, come on, come on, come on. 783 00:33:19,833 --> 00:33:22,302 Okay, the man is not addressing the problems of the underclass. 784 00:33:22,335 --> 00:33:24,070 - Good! Yeah! - And I don’t think he ever will. 785 00:33:24,104 --> 00:33:27,073 - Uh-huh. - But although I didn’t vote for him, he is our president 786 00:33:27,107 --> 00:33:30,143 and we are obligated to support him! 787 00:33:32,946 --> 00:33:35,081 - I’m getting scared. - Me too, Rick. 788 00:33:35,081 --> 00:33:36,883 - Make it stop! Make it stop! - All right-- 789 00:33:36,916 --> 00:33:38,618 Stop it! Just stop it! 790 00:33:38,651 --> 00:33:40,520 - Stop it! - ( groans ) My back hurts! 791 00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:42,655 Why does my back hurt? 792 00:33:42,689 --> 00:33:44,224 Snap out of it! Snap out of it! 793 00:33:44,257 --> 00:33:47,127 I am gonna get you back. I’m gonna get you back! 794 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:48,728 Now what’s your name?! 795 00:33:48,762 --> 00:33:50,096 - Doris. - No! 796 00:33:50,096 --> 00:33:51,498 - It’s Katie! - Katie. 797 00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:53,299 - What year were you born? - 1937. 798 00:33:53,333 --> 00:33:54,434 No! 799 00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:56,703 - 1962! - 1962. 800 00:33:56,736 --> 00:33:58,605 Who’s your favorite musician? 801 00:33:58,638 --> 00:34:00,907 - Patti Page. - No! 802 00:34:00,940 --> 00:34:02,409 It’s REM! 803 00:34:02,442 --> 00:34:04,577 - REM, I remember. - Oh, come on. 804 00:34:04,611 --> 00:34:06,746 - Everything’s gonna be okay. - ( sobs ) 805 00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:08,048 We’ll be okay. 806 00:34:08,048 --> 00:34:09,349 Come on, it’s gonna be all right. 807 00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:10,550 - It’s gonna be all right. - You’re right. 808 00:34:10,583 --> 00:34:12,085 Okay, all right. Come on. 809 00:34:12,118 --> 00:34:13,787 I’ve just got to pull myself together. 810 00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:15,922 All right, now you do that. 811 00:34:15,955 --> 00:34:18,892 Go pull yourself together. 812 00:34:18,925 --> 00:34:21,261 You can fight it, honey! 813 00:34:21,294 --> 00:34:22,529 You can, sure. 814 00:34:22,562 --> 00:34:26,533 As you get older, the timber of your voice will age. 815 00:34:26,566 --> 00:34:27,667 Well, you sound like your mother 816 00:34:27,701 --> 00:34:29,135 so you may actually sound like her. 817 00:34:29,169 --> 00:34:31,938 You might even talk endlessly about your body functions, 818 00:34:31,971 --> 00:34:35,275 especially at meals, or you might just turn on 819 00:34:35,308 --> 00:34:37,444 the weather channel countless times during the day. 820 00:34:37,477 --> 00:34:40,914 But you don’t--you don’t have to think like her, you know? 821 00:34:40,947 --> 00:34:42,649 You don’t have to say the things she says 822 00:34:42,682 --> 00:34:45,085 because you’re you, Katie! 823 00:34:45,118 --> 00:34:46,820 That’s why I married you. 824 00:34:46,853 --> 00:34:50,457 - Oh, I love you Katie, it’s-- - And I love you too. 825 00:34:50,490 --> 00:34:52,225 How about a little cuddle before we go to bed? 826 00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:53,460 - No. No! - Oh, come on! 827 00:34:53,493 --> 00:34:54,594 - Yeah, you want me! - No! 828 00:34:54,627 --> 00:34:56,096 - Yeah, come on! - No! 829 00:34:56,096 --> 00:35:00,133 No! No! No! No! 830 00:35:00,166 --> 00:35:03,103 ( cheering and applause ) 831 00:35:07,474 --> 00:35:11,478 * 832 00:35:11,511 --> 00:35:15,181 Announcer: Live from Crafton, California, BET TV, 833 00:35:15,215 --> 00:35:17,150 that’s Black Entertainment Television, 834 00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:20,320 presents The Dark Side with Nat X, 835 00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:23,323 the only show on TV written by a brother, 836 00:35:23,356 --> 00:35:26,726 produced by a brother, that’s strictly for the brothers. 837 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,963 Now get ready for a man who’s so black, he sweats tar. 838 00:35:30,063 --> 00:35:33,800 Step back, ’cause here comes Nat! 839 00:35:33,833 --> 00:35:36,770 ( applause ) 840 00:35:39,439 --> 00:35:41,908 Peace, brothers and sisters, and welcome to a special edition 841 00:35:41,941 --> 00:35:45,311 of The Dark Side, the only 15-minute show on TV. 842 00:35:45,345 --> 00:35:48,915 But tonight, the man said take as much time as I want. 843 00:35:48,948 --> 00:35:50,917 I wonder why. 844 00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:52,385 I think we all know who the man is. 845 00:35:52,419 --> 00:35:54,487 I’m talking about the man that made all the big keys 846 00:35:54,521 --> 00:35:58,124 on a piano white and all the little keys black. 847 00:35:58,158 --> 00:36:00,360 I’m talking about the man that gets pleasure 848 00:36:00,393 --> 00:36:02,762 from watching a bunch of white guys in uniforms 849 00:36:02,796 --> 00:36:05,298 take a stick and smack some black around. 850 00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:07,033 I’m not talking about Rodney King. 851 00:36:07,067 --> 00:36:09,035 I’m talking about hockey! 852 00:36:09,069 --> 00:36:10,704 ( laughter ) 853 00:36:10,737 --> 00:36:11,938 All right. 854 00:36:12,038 --> 00:36:14,074 We got a big show, but first, I wanna say hello 855 00:36:14,107 --> 00:36:17,410 to all my fans watching on brand-new TVs. 856 00:36:17,444 --> 00:36:22,048 ( laughter, applause ) 857 00:36:22,048 --> 00:36:23,817 Thanks for leaving the studio alone. 858 00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:26,052 All right, now before I bring up my first guest, 859 00:36:26,086 --> 00:36:27,520 I wanna say-- Hey, what’s going on? ( siren wailing ) 860 00:36:27,554 --> 00:36:29,155 Hey, hey, hey! Hey, get out of here! 861 00:36:29,189 --> 00:36:30,290 Get out of here! Watch out! 862 00:36:30,323 --> 00:36:31,591 Hey, hey! Leave me alone. 863 00:36:31,624 --> 00:36:33,393 I ain’t do nothing! I ain’t do--Ah! 864 00:36:33,426 --> 00:36:35,328 ( screaming ) 865 00:36:35,362 --> 00:36:37,063 Oh! Oh, damn! 866 00:36:37,063 --> 00:36:38,865 ( screaming ) 867 00:36:38,898 --> 00:36:40,100 Help! 868 00:36:40,133 --> 00:36:41,201 ( sighs ) 869 00:36:43,236 --> 00:36:45,405 ( sighs ) Boy, I haven’t hurt that bad 870 00:36:45,438 --> 00:36:47,440 since I saw a rerun lose that dance contest 871 00:36:47,474 --> 00:36:49,209 on What’s Happening Now? 872 00:36:49,242 --> 00:36:50,377 ( laughter ) 873 00:36:50,410 --> 00:36:52,078 Now before I bring out my first guest, 874 00:36:52,112 --> 00:36:54,881 I wanna update you on the Jeffrey Dahmer situation. 875 00:36:54,914 --> 00:36:57,117 This week, Jeff got another life sentence, 876 00:36:57,150 --> 00:37:00,620 upping his time to 994 years. 877 00:37:00,653 --> 00:37:02,022 Now if he was a black man, 878 00:37:02,022 --> 00:37:03,857 they would have given him some real time. 879 00:37:03,890 --> 00:37:08,328 994, he’s gonna walk in 416. 880 00:37:08,361 --> 00:37:12,298 Okay, my first guest tonight-- my first guest tonight 881 00:37:12,332 --> 00:37:15,068 have already clinched this year’s James Avery Award. 882 00:37:15,101 --> 00:37:18,405 I want you to please welcome the Rodney King Jury. 883 00:37:18,438 --> 00:37:21,374 * 884 00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:27,747 Sit your 12 white asses down. 885 00:37:31,718 --> 00:37:33,753 Okay, quick, how many fingers? 886 00:37:33,787 --> 00:37:35,622 Two? 887 00:37:35,655 --> 00:37:38,091 Oh, but that’s right. So you can see, huh? 888 00:37:38,124 --> 00:37:40,660 Now which one of you is the foreman? 889 00:37:40,694 --> 00:37:43,663 ( robotic voice ) That would be me, Nat. 890 00:37:43,697 --> 00:37:45,799 Yeah, you better disguise your voice! 891 00:37:45,832 --> 00:37:48,802 Now how did you 12 get selected for the jury? 892 00:37:48,835 --> 00:37:51,071 Well, in jury selection, 893 00:37:51,104 --> 00:37:55,975 a primary interest is to avoid any prejudgments. 894 00:37:56,076 --> 00:37:57,877 Uh, yes, Nat, we were selected 895 00:37:57,911 --> 00:38:01,147 because we have never seen or heard 896 00:38:01,181 --> 00:38:04,751 about this Rodney King incident before the trial. 897 00:38:04,784 --> 00:38:07,220 Never seen or heard about Rodney King? 898 00:38:07,253 --> 00:38:09,789 Where was you living, on the space shuttle? 899 00:38:09,823 --> 00:38:11,291 You mean while Rodney was getting beat up, 900 00:38:11,324 --> 00:38:14,361 you guys were orbiting the moon, drinking some Tang? 901 00:38:14,394 --> 00:38:16,529 What are you, a bunch of Martians? What’s going on? 902 00:38:16,563 --> 00:38:20,033 I resent the implication that we are from Mars. 903 00:38:20,033 --> 00:38:21,668 Now if there’s more to the tape 904 00:38:21,701 --> 00:38:25,071 than the general public has seen, we saw the whole tape. 905 00:38:25,105 --> 00:38:27,340 The whole tape? Now what part did I miss? 906 00:38:27,374 --> 00:38:29,509 The part where Rodney picks up his ass? 907 00:38:29,542 --> 00:38:31,244 ( laughter ) 908 00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:32,445 I mean, what’s wrong with you people? 909 00:38:32,479 --> 00:38:34,047 Did you enjoy what was going on? 910 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,683 Did you think they were beating up Don King? 911 00:38:36,716 --> 00:38:40,053 ( laughter, applause ) 912 00:38:40,053 --> 00:38:44,691 Mr. X, when you watch the tape, it’s clear, 913 00:38:44,724 --> 00:38:48,194 Rodney King provoked the police response. 914 00:38:48,228 --> 00:38:50,830 Response? Response? 915 00:38:50,864 --> 00:38:54,467 They beat his butt so bad my ass hurt. 916 00:38:54,501 --> 00:38:56,269 I mean, come on, Hinckley guys, you know, 917 00:38:56,302 --> 00:38:58,838 he shot in the prison, nobody beat his ass. 918 00:38:58,872 --> 00:39:00,340 May I say something? 919 00:39:00,373 --> 00:39:02,175 ( laughter ) 920 00:39:02,208 --> 00:39:06,146 Nat, when you watch it frame by frame, 921 00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:10,750 you can see a lot of those blows never landed on Mr. King. 922 00:39:10,784 --> 00:39:12,052 Never landed? 923 00:39:12,085 --> 00:39:15,088 The last time I saw a black man get beat that bad 924 00:39:15,121 --> 00:39:17,090 was on pay-per-view! 925 00:39:17,123 --> 00:39:19,459 And Mike Tyson gave him a hug at the end! 926 00:39:19,492 --> 00:39:21,461 Sammy, get these Quakers out of here. 927 00:39:21,494 --> 00:39:23,463 Come on! Get out of here! 928 00:39:23,496 --> 00:39:27,233 You all are still bitter about Jerry Cody, that’s what it is. 929 00:39:27,267 --> 00:39:28,668 All right, I got to end this show right now 930 00:39:28,702 --> 00:39:30,637 before the National Guard gets in here. 931 00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:33,173 But stay tuned for grudge match with Rodney King and the police. 932 00:39:33,206 --> 00:39:35,041 Stay strong, brothers. 933 00:39:35,075 --> 00:39:38,044 ( cheering and applause ) 934 00:39:44,484 --> 00:39:46,519 * 935 00:39:46,553 --> 00:39:51,825 Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey. 936 00:40:02,168 --> 00:40:05,105 ( laughter, applause) 937 00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:10,110 * 938 00:40:14,881 --> 00:40:19,386 Good evening, and welcome to Showcase Playhouse Theater. 939 00:40:19,419 --> 00:40:23,189 Tonight, we’re pleased to present They Wanted to Fly, 940 00:40:23,223 --> 00:40:26,626 a three-act play by Cameron Hormel. 941 00:40:26,659 --> 00:40:30,196 We’d like to welcome our new sponsor tonight, 942 00:40:30,230 --> 00:40:34,567 Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose. ( laughter ) 943 00:40:34,601 --> 00:40:36,870 When you hear "nice ass", 944 00:40:36,903 --> 00:40:40,840 chances are, it’s Nice Ass, Baby. 945 00:40:40,874 --> 00:40:43,510 And now, Act 1 946 00:40:43,543 --> 00:40:46,680 of They Wanted to Fly. 947 00:40:46,713 --> 00:40:49,649 * 948 00:40:53,853 --> 00:40:55,522 What are you thinking about? 949 00:40:55,555 --> 00:40:58,258 Oh, you wouldn’t understand, you’re just a girl. 950 00:40:58,291 --> 00:41:00,727 Oh, I’m also your best friend. 951 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,596 I was thinking, I wish I could fly. 952 00:41:03,630 --> 00:41:04,764 You do? 953 00:41:04,798 --> 00:41:05,965 So do I! 954 00:41:06,066 --> 00:41:08,868 Really? 955 00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:10,737 ( both breathing heavily ) 956 00:41:10,770 --> 00:41:12,138 More than anything. 957 00:41:12,172 --> 00:41:17,110 Maybe if we both wish hard enough, we really can fly. 958 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,149 That concludes Act 1. 959 00:41:25,318 --> 00:41:26,453 Ladies and gentlemen, 960 00:41:26,486 --> 00:41:29,222 I must apologize most sincerely, as apparently, 961 00:41:29,255 --> 00:41:33,360 there is no such product as Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose 962 00:41:33,393 --> 00:41:37,630 and I have been a victim of a hoax. 963 00:41:37,664 --> 00:41:41,901 In Act 2 of They Wanted to Fly, 964 00:41:41,935 --> 00:41:45,005 Toby and Janet have grown into teenagers. 965 00:41:45,105 --> 00:41:49,242 Their friendship has blossomed into sexual awareness, 966 00:41:49,275 --> 00:41:52,545 but one thing has remained the same, 967 00:41:52,579 --> 00:41:55,915 their desire to fly. 968 00:41:59,519 --> 00:42:02,188 Boy, when you stand up here and wave your arms, 969 00:42:02,222 --> 00:42:04,657 it almost feels like you’re flying. 970 00:42:04,691 --> 00:42:06,493 It does, doesn’t it? 971 00:42:06,526 --> 00:42:07,627 ( laughs ) 972 00:42:11,297 --> 00:42:12,665 That was fun. 973 00:42:12,699 --> 00:42:15,769 Janet, do you think that maybe, 974 00:42:15,802 --> 00:42:18,938 somehow, we really could fly? 975 00:42:18,972 --> 00:42:22,208 You mean just lift off the ground up into the sky? 976 00:42:22,242 --> 00:42:25,512 Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean. 977 00:42:27,313 --> 00:42:30,250 * 978 00:42:35,855 --> 00:42:37,824 I would like to apologize 979 00:42:37,857 --> 00:42:42,262 to the good people at Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose. 980 00:42:42,295 --> 00:42:46,232 Their product is very real and I’m sure, an excellent value. 981 00:42:49,102 --> 00:42:53,139 In the third and final act of They Wanted to Fly, 982 00:42:53,173 --> 00:42:55,275 many years have passed. 983 00:42:55,308 --> 00:42:58,878 Toby and Janet have gone their different ways, 984 00:42:58,912 --> 00:43:03,717 but they agree to meet once more at their favorite spot. 985 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,686 * 986 00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:15,061 Hello, Janet. 987 00:43:15,061 --> 00:43:16,730 Hello, Toby. 988 00:43:16,763 --> 00:43:19,232 I guess you heard about this. 989 00:43:19,265 --> 00:43:22,135 You tried to fly, didn’t you? 990 00:43:22,168 --> 00:43:25,071 They called it attempted suicide. 991 00:43:25,071 --> 00:43:28,274 Toby, remember when we used to wish we could fly? 992 00:43:28,308 --> 00:43:30,176 Maybe we really can. 993 00:43:30,210 --> 00:43:32,312 Don’t make fun, Janet! 994 00:43:32,345 --> 00:43:35,382 I’m stuck in this wheelchair. 995 00:43:35,415 --> 00:43:37,417 Well, maybe that doesn’t matter. 996 00:43:37,450 --> 00:43:40,887 Maybe nothing matters except that if we want it bad enough, 997 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,991 we can fly off together into the sky. 998 00:43:45,091 --> 00:43:48,094 Wouldn’t that be something? 999 00:43:48,094 --> 00:43:50,730 Wouldn’t that be something? 1000 00:43:50,764 --> 00:43:53,700 * 1001 00:43:55,935 --> 00:43:58,872 ( laughter ) 1002 00:44:01,174 --> 00:44:04,377 Well, that concludes 1003 00:44:04,411 --> 00:44:09,049 Cameron Hormels’ They Wanted to Fly. 1004 00:44:09,082 --> 00:44:12,719 Join us next time for Mr. Hormels’ latest play, 1005 00:44:12,752 --> 00:44:16,222 They Wanted to Get Totally Nude. 1006 00:44:16,256 --> 00:44:17,590 Good night. 1007 00:44:17,624 --> 00:44:22,095 ( applause ) 1008 00:44:22,128 --> 00:44:25,732 ( cheering and applause ) 1009 00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:28,702 * 1010 00:44:31,071 --> 00:44:32,706 Well, it’s been quite a cavalcade. 1011 00:44:32,739 --> 00:44:36,409 with special guest Jay Leno... ( cheers ) 1012 00:44:36,443 --> 00:44:40,447 Mr. Bruce Springsteen! 1013 00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:42,849 Thanks very much! Happy Mother’s Day! 1014 00:44:42,882 --> 00:44:45,085 I love you, baby! 1015 00:44:45,085 --> 00:44:47,487 Sorry, Joe! 1016 00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:49,923 Thanks a lot! Good night everybody! 1017 00:44:49,956 --> 00:44:52,892 * 76871

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.