Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,070 --> 00:00:08,475
Announcer: The following isa paid political announcement.
2
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:10,243
Good evening, I’m Ross Perot.
3
00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:11,745
And I got to tell you something.
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:13,346
Now what happened last week
in Los Angeles
5
00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:15,215
scared me half to death.
6
00:00:15,248 --> 00:00:16,483
I’m telling you,
’cause what I saw
7
00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,618
was a country coming apart
at the seams.
8
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,353
And what I didn’t see
was President Bush
9
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:21,755
doing much anything about it.
10
00:00:21,788 --> 00:00:23,056
Now first thing
I would have done
11
00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,091
is got on a plane
going straight to Los Angeles.
12
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,426
’Cause I can’t deal
with a problem
13
00:00:26,459 --> 00:00:28,328
unless I can feel it,
touch it, smell it, taste it,
14
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:31,564
and touch it a little more.
( laughter )
15
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:32,699
That’s right.
16
00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:33,833
Now, at last count,
17
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,635
there was $712 million
in damage done
18
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:36,870
during the L.A. riots.
19
00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:39,706
Well, see this right here?
20
00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:41,574
( laughter )
21
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:44,177
Now, all right.
22
00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,881
See, this here is a check
for exactly $712 million.
23
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:49,516
That’s right.
It’s good, too.
24
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,519
Now I’ve got $3 billion more
sitting back at home.
25
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:55,255
So here it is, in cash,
I’m taking care of everything.
26
00:00:55,288 --> 00:00:57,691
Everything’s covered,
done deal, it’s over.
27
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,858
What I’m saying right now is,
28
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:02,395
South Central L.A.,
problem solved.
29
00:01:02,429 --> 00:01:03,930
But this is a one-time deal.
30
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,865
If you burn down a building
tomorrow, that’s your problem.
31
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:08,134
( laughter )
32
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:10,070
Okay.
( cheering and applause )
33
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,604
Oh, thank you.
34
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:12,706
Now...
35
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,710
Now here’s what I’m gonna do.
36
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,178
I’m gonna rebuild
every building,
37
00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,479
state-of-the-art technology,
38
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,114
put computers
in every one of them,
39
00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:22,482
train the Crips,
train the Bloods
40
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,452
to operate the computers,
41
00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:27,587
put them to work
competing against the Japanese.
42
00:01:27,620 --> 00:01:28,822
Now this ain’t charity.
43
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,457
Charity has its place,
but not here.
44
00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,225
This here’s
a business proposition.
45
00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,194
’Cause you see, I’m gonna take
5 percent of everything
46
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:36,863
that goes through this operation
from now through perpetuity,
47
00:01:36,896 --> 00:01:39,099
5 percent right off the top.
48
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:41,134
Business proposition,
pure and simple.
49
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,269
Same thing
if you elect me president.
50
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:45,538
Now see here,
President Bush gets--
51
00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:48,842
All right. President Bush
gets $200,000 a year. Forget it.
52
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,777
If I’m President,
we get 0 percent growth,
53
00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:52,579
you don’t pay me nothing.
54
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:53,713
1 percent growth?
55
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,682
Hell, a chimpanzee
could run this country
56
00:01:55,715 --> 00:01:58,451
and get 1 percent growth.
57
00:01:58,485 --> 00:01:59,886
I’m sorry.
58
00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:01,554
So you don’t pay me dime one.
59
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:03,590
Got my own plane,
don’t need Air Force One.
60
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,860
( laughter )
61
00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,228
State Dinners?
62
00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:11,798
I’ll pay it, it’s nothing to me,
sand off a beach.
63
00:02:11,831 --> 00:02:13,767
Now don’t worry
about old Ross Perot,
64
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,603
I got $3 billion back at home.
65
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,572
Now here’s the deal.
Here’s what I’m trying to say.
66
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,574
Three percent growth
in our economy,
67
00:02:21,608 --> 00:02:25,679
$120 billion growth in our GNP,
I get a billion dollars.
68
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:28,648
( laughter )
69
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,752
Now think about it,
that’s a bargain.
70
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,521
You’re up $119 billion.
71
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:36,623
I’m telling you,
2.99 percent growth,
72
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,625
I don’t see a penny,
not one red cent.
73
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,093
But don’t feel sorry for me.
74
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:41,895
I got $3 billion.
75
00:02:41,928 --> 00:02:43,763
I’m gonna be fine.
76
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,665
Now this here’s
a business proposition.
77
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:49,269
Now see, 4 percent growth,
you pay me $20 billion.
78
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:51,271
( laughter )
79
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,773
The way I see it,
you’re ahead $140 billion, see?
80
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,208
Now this ain’t
no golden parachute,
81
00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:57,677
this isn’t the President GM
giving himself a big bonus
82
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,846
when the company’s losing money
sending jobs to Mexico.
83
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:02,349
I get my money
if and when you get yours.
84
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:06,052
Now 5 percent growth,
I get $50 billion.
85
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:09,055
( laughter )
86
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:14,060
Everybody’s happy, see?
See, that’s it.
87
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,929
It’s all right there just
laid out, that’s off a table,
88
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,230
you can take it,
you can leave it.
89
00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:18,932
Frankly, I don’t care.
I’m gonna do fine.
90
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:22,369
I got $3 billion
sitting in the bank.
91
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,070
Now I bought four minutes
of national airtime
92
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,205
to lay this out for you all,
93
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:27,107
and I see I got
about 30 seconds left here,
94
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:31,244
which I sold on contingency
to the Munsingwear people.
95
00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:35,248
"Munsingwear, the underwear
for the active man.
96
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:37,384
( laughter )
97
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,619
Cut generously
with a double-flap pouch
98
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,388
for extra comfort,
99
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:44,858
100 percent mercerized combed
cotton to prevent shrinkage.
100
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,093
Munsingwear, ’cause you don’t
want your underwear
101
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:49,462
to be like an Apache
creeping up on you
102
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,132
when you least expect it."
103
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,100
Thank you.
104
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,503
Announcer: Paid for by thePerot for President Committee,
105
00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:57,971
and Munsingwear.
106
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,509
Now I see
I still have five seconds left,
107
00:04:02,542 --> 00:04:03,843
and I can’t deal
with five seconds
108
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:05,645
unless I can feel it,
touch it, smell it, eat it,
109
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,048
and pass it
through my lower intestine.
110
00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:09,315
But you know what?
111
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:12,318
Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!
112
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,321
*
113
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,940
Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!
114
00:04:38,745 --> 00:04:41,147
With Dana Carvey...
115
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,550
Chris Farley...
116
00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:46,853
Phil Hartman...
117
00:04:46,886 --> 00:04:49,689
Victoria Jackson...
118
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,726
Mike Myers...
119
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:55,662
Kevin Nealon...
120
00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,198
Chris Rock...
121
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,100
Julia Sweeney...
122
00:05:02,168 --> 00:05:04,938
with Ellen Cleghorne...
123
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,440
Siobhan Fallon...
124
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,309
Tim Meadows...
125
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,948
Adam Sandler...
126
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:18,051
Rob Schneider...
127
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:20,653
David Spade...
128
00:05:20,687 --> 00:05:24,057
and featuringMelanie Hutsell...
129
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:26,626
G.E. Smith andtheSaturday Night Live Band.
130
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,664
Musical guest,Bruce Springsteen...
131
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:37,737
and starring Tom Hanks.
132
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:50,850
Ladies and gentlemen,Tom Hanks.
133
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,833
( cheering and applause )
134
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,137
Thank you, thank you!
135
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:14,474
Thank you! Thank you!
136
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,043
Thank you.
Thank you very much!
137
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,778
It’s great to be back
on the show.
138
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:20,847
I have this announcement
to make.
139
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,283
"Bruce is in the building."
140
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,251
( cheering and applause )
141
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,687
Right.
142
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,423
It is really special to be here,
in fact,
143
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,158
now when the show
was first announced,
144
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,462
a certain fine actor
by the name of Joe Pesci
145
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,796
was going to be here.
146
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,897
All right, unfortunately...
147
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:42,135
Unfortunately, his movie
is running a little late,
148
00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:43,403
so they gave me a call.
149
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,172
It was the last minute.
I was free, so, bang, here I am.
150
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:50,210
But you know, what a finale
to a great year
151
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,779
this would have been
for Mr. Joe Pesci.
152
00:06:52,812 --> 00:06:57,350
Now first...
he wins an Academy Award
153
00:06:57,384 --> 00:07:00,186
for his role in Goodfellas,huh?
154
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,422
Yes, absolutely.
155
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:05,291
I’m sure he thanks you for that.
156
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:08,628
Then he’s in a very popular
movie called My Cousin Vinny.
157
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,797
That’s right.
158
00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:12,799
That was a lot of fun for him.
159
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,101
Later this month,
Mr. Pesci will be seen
160
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,938
in a little film
called Lethal Weapon 3.
161
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,708
Indeed, yes!
162
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,376
And right now, this very minute,
163
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,645
he’s working with none
other than Macaulay Culkin
164
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,114
in Home Alone 2.
165
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,849
Wow!
166
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,785
Huh!
167
00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:35,121
Tonight, I can only promise
to do my best
168
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:39,592
to fill Mr. Joe Pesci’s
very large shoes.
169
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,428
So stick around.
170
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,397
( cheering and applause )
171
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,339
I don’t know what I’m doing.
172
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,074
I don’t know what I’m doing.
173
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,810
I do not know what I’m doing.
( indistinct shouting )
174
00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,146
What about that, huh?
What about that?
175
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,481
Who are you kidding, man?
176
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:03,550
They just rewrote stuff
they came up with 10 days ago.
177
00:08:03,583 --> 00:08:05,085
What? That was great. Come on.
178
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,920
I’m up there in front
of millions of people
179
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,888
going on
about Joe Pesci’s wild year,
180
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:10,724
- like some kind of dope.
- Yeah.
181
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,125
I don’t even plug
League of Their Own.
182
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,094
It’s coming out in July,
with Geena Davis and Madonna.
183
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,729
I mean,
what kind of businessman am I?
184
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,897
( laughter )
Businessman!
185
00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,633
You are something, man.
You are really funny.
186
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,037
What do you mean, I’m funny?
187
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,406
( laughter )
You’re funny, you know?
188
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,108
It’s a good monologue,
you told a funny story,
189
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,610
you’re a funny guy.
190
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:31,778
What do you mean?
191
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:34,881
Do I talk funny, what, what?
192
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:37,183
I’m just saying it’s funny
the way you tell a story,
193
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,785
- and everything.
- Yeah, I know. Funny, how?
194
00:08:38,818 --> 00:08:41,521
I mean, what’s funny about it?
195
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:44,591
Hey, Tommy, look, you know,
you got it all wrong here.
196
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:46,059
No, wait, wait, wait, Farley!
He knows!
197
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,360
He’s a big boy.
He knows what he said.
198
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,896
What did you say?
Funny, how?
199
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,431
What?
200
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,066
- Just you’re funny.
- You mean--
201
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,368
Look, let me understand this,
’cause, you know, maybe it’s me.
202
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,936
I’m a little goofed up,
you know?
203
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,672
Maybe--But I’m funny, how?
204
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,573
Maybe, like I’m a clown?
205
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,242
Like I’m here to amuse you?
206
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:04,778
I make you laugh,
I’m here to amuse you?
207
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,379
Funny?
What do you mean, funny?
208
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,015
Funny, how?
How am I so funny?
209
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,217
Just, you know,
how to tell a story.
210
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:12,819
No! No, no, no, I don’t know!
211
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,320
You said it.
How do I know?
212
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:16,790
You said I’m funny!
Why am I so funny?
213
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,758
What is so funny about me?
214
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:20,593
You tell me! Tell me!
215
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,029
What is so freaking funny?
216
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:26,800
( cheering and applause )
217
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,134
- Ah, come on.
- ( laughs )
218
00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:31,104
( indistinct chattering )
219
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,809
What, what, what, what, what?
What is it? What is it?
220
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,243
I got to talk to you
about this hotel--
221
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,245
You’re hanging around me
like a vulture.
What do you want?
222
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,047
I got to talk to you
about this hotel bill.
223
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,816
$17,000 for room service.
224
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:44,184
I mean, I don’t mean
to be out of order here.
225
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,318
Oh, you don’t mean
to be out of order,
226
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:46,486
but what do you call
embarrassing me
227
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,687
in front of my friends?
228
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:49,489
Tom, it’s not me,
it’s the network.
229
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,658
Oh! You calling me a deadbeat?
230
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:54,060
- You know, you’re a mutt,
you know that? You’re a mutt.
- Hey, come on, come on, Tom.
231
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,829
- Don’t be like that.
- Now what do you mean?
Now what do you mean?
232
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,063
What are you talking about, huh?
233
00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:01,334
( indistinct shouting )
234
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,203
Who do you think you are?
( indistinct shouting )
235
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:08,174
Hey! Stick around, everybody,
Bruce Springsteen is here.
236
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,776
We’ll be right back!
237
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:12,746
( cheering and applause )
238
00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:20,520
My friends,
we Los "Angelesens"
239
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,922
have been through a lot
these last few days
240
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,624
and no one knows that better
than we here
241
00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:28,128
at John Cabrizio
Chevrolet, Mazda, Hyundai.
242
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,430
Our leaders have been stressing
the need for calm.
243
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,632
They say the insanity must end.
244
00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:35,235
But I say,
"Let the insanity continue
245
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:38,338
until all these cars
are moved out!"
246
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:42,575
Look at this crazy price,
$8,899
247
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:45,612
for this fully loaded,
slightly looted Mazda RX-7.
248
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,847
Just replace
the missing driver’s seat
249
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:51,151
and you’ll go from 0 to 60
in under seven seconds.
250
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,787
And look at this burned out
Chevy Blazer!
251
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,956
Any jury would agree
that at $1,200,
252
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,859
you’re guilty
of getting a good deal.
253
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:04,764
Or how about $50 for this
still burning Chevy pickup?
254
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,267
We can’t put it out!
255
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,269
Friends,
I think we all agree
256
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,805
that fundamental change
is required
257
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,873
and change is practically
all you’ll need
258
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,910
to drive off
on this new Hyundai Excel.
259
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,912
So I am pleading with you.
260
00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:21,348
Can’t we come together
as a community
261
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,351
and buy what’s left
of this Mazda 626?
262
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,585
( laughter )
263
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:27,821
I think we can,
264
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,389
because,
my fellow Los "Angelesens,"
265
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,091
the healing has begun.
266
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,126
But at these prices,
the healing won’t last long!
267
00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:34,260
So come on down.
268
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,395
You’ll feel like a looter
269
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,897
at John Cabrizio
Chevy, Mazda, Hyundai.
270
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,166
Free hotdogs
for the little looters.
271
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,136
( cheering and applause )
272
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:53,413
( laughter )
273
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,316
Ah, okay,
today’s meeting comes to order,
274
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,451
And my friends, we have scored
another major coup
275
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,920
for all members
in good standing.
276
00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,322
Now don’t concern yourselves
with how we did it,
277
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:04,691
because it involves
unsightly back-room haggling.
278
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,861
Just get ready to enjoy
another great perk
279
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:11,931
as a card-carrying fan
of Mr. Belvedere, all right?
280
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:14,067
If you leave
your membership plaque
281
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,102
on the dashboard of your car,
282
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,405
Joe Gally said we can park
in the handicapped space
283
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,273
at his brother’s
convenience mart, okay?
284
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:21,941
- Oh!
- Yes.
285
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,243
That’s so wonderful,
286
00:12:23,276 --> 00:12:25,211
because sometimes I only have
a few items to buy,
287
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,346
like wine and cat food,
288
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,848
now I can go in and out
so much quicker.
289
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,950
Right. So enjoy!
290
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,687
Okay, and now,
to our next order of business
291
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,822
is, ah, the nickname issue.
292
00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,558
Now last time we spoke,
we resolved to come up
293
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:42,228
with a nickname for
Mr. Belvedere that only we use
294
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,331
so we can identify each other
in a strange town or something?
295
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,100
Right? Okay, ideas?
296
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:52,105
How about Thaddius or Big Bo?
297
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,273
Benny.
298
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:56,376
How about the Man
Who Rides Alone?
299
00:12:56,409 --> 00:13:00,246
Head Cheese?
300
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,948
El Stinkmeister.
301
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,184
( boos )
302
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,953
I like Beacon of Bliss.
303
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:10,156
How about Brocktoon?
304
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,725
Brocktoon. Hey, I like it.
305
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,926
All right.
Let’s vote, all right?
306
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,261
All in favor of Brocktoon,
say, "Aye."
307
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,396
Group: Aye!
308
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,597
Not in favor, nay!
309
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,400
- Group: Nay!
- Brocktoon it is!
310
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,635
That sounds
like a Pepperidge Farm cookie,
311
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,938
- and that’s A-OK with me!
- ( laughs )
312
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,806
Well--Oh, hey, hi!
313
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,108
Welcome, come on in.
314
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,744
Are you a fan of Brocktoon?
315
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,445
What? No. No.
316
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,880
They’re doing
a Comedy Night here later,
317
00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:35,248
and I just got here early
to sign up.
318
00:13:35,281 --> 00:13:36,383
Oh, all right.
Well, take a seat.
319
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:37,517
Make yourself comfortable.
Sit anywhere.
320
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:38,651
We’re just getting ready
to move on
321
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:40,587
to our next order of business.
322
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,123
Uh, but anything else?
Yeah.
323
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:47,160
Yeah, I’d like to say,
partly to talk about it,
324
00:13:47,193 --> 00:13:51,765
and partly to let the new guy in
on the mood here a little bit.
325
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:54,734
Uh, Mr. Belvedere
326
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:57,937
is the light of my life.
327
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:01,941
Um, I know I speak
for the others, uh,
328
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:07,180
when I say he is so amazing,
you know.
329
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:11,184
And, um, he’s just--I wish,
330
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:14,721
you know, I wish
I could know him more, you know?
331
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:17,257
Because he--
332
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:20,326
he is one of a kind,
you know?
333
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:24,230
He’s--I think about him
all the time,
334
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,934
and well, I’m wondering,
should we kill him?
335
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:29,969
( laughter )
336
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,604
For God’s sakes, no!
337
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,074
Uh, we usually vote,
Mr. Chairman.
338
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,975
Well--oh, before we vote,
339
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:39,112
I’d like Pete to explain
why he wants to kill Brocktoon.
340
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,682
I wanna meet this girl,
341
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:47,087
and, uh, I know that she’d be,
you know, pretty impressed
342
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,856
if she knew I hung out
with Mr. Belvedere.
343
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,891
Well, why kill him then?
344
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:56,896
Um, because--
345
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,733
So he wouldn’t know how unworthy
I am to hang out with him?
346
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,768
Well, wait, I don’t follow.
347
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:04,137
What about the girl
that you wanna meet? What?
348
00:15:04,170 --> 00:15:06,806
Oh, she’s probably a lesbo
anyway.
349
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,408
( laughter )
350
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:09,676
Well, I guess we can vote,
351
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,911
but we shouldn’t
really have to, people.
352
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:15,148
All right, all those in favor
who wanna kill Mr. Belvedere,
353
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:18,184
- say, "Aye."
- Group: Aye!
354
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:20,787
All those who don’t think
he should be killed, say, "Nay."
355
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:21,921
Group: Nay!
356
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,556
The nays have it.
He lives.
357
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,760
But the vote
shouldn’t have been that close,
358
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:30,930
which brings me to an area
that I think we need to discuss.
359
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:35,935
Now I got a letter
from Mr. Belvedere’s publicist.
360
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:39,105
It seems somebody has been
killing his house pets again.
361
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,808
Now I’m not gonna ask
which one of you is doing it,
362
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:46,112
but I do think
we need to do our exercises.
363
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,148
What exercises?
364
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,083
The exercise
that helps keep the line
365
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,186
between reality and fantasy
a little less blurry.
366
00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:54,320
You’ll see.
367
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,791
- Okay, who wants to start?
- Can I?
368
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:01,728
Okay. I should want to
shake hands with Mr. Belvedere.
369
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:05,732
I shouldn’t want
to grab a lock of his hair.
370
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,866
Now that’s good, Cheryl.
371
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,435
And even though
it would be really neat
372
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,871
to have a lock of his hair,
you know that’s not right.
373
00:16:11,905 --> 00:16:14,374
- Someone else?
- Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
374
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,242
I should like
to send him a fan letter
375
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,178
telling him how good he was
in the episode
376
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,080
where he teaches everyone
how to cook,
377
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:24,317
but I shouldn’t wanna type the
letter on a death certificate.
378
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:27,187
Yes, but then you learned
that one the hard way, huh?
379
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,388
All right, yeah. Okay.
380
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,390
So let’s keep going.
Come on.
381
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,460
I should like
watching Mr. Belvedere a lot,
382
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,161
but I shouldn’t
have to masturbate
383
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,864
at the end of every episode.
( laughter )
384
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,232
That’s right.
385
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,935
That is right.
Discipline! Next?
386
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:43,336
Uh, yeah.
387
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,972
I should want to cook Brocktoon
a simple dinner
388
00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,375
if he truly accepts the offer,
389
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:52,545
- but not if I sense that
he accepts it telepathically.
- Yes, okay.
390
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,482
But let’s keep the exercises
in the form of should
391
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,784
and shouldn’t, okay?
392
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,152
Next?
393
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,855
I should wanna cook him
a simple meal,
394
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:05,058
but I shouldn’t want
to cut into him,
395
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,029
to tear the flesh,
to wear the flesh,
396
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:13,600
to be born unto new worlds
where his flesh becomes my key.
397
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,569
( laughter )
398
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,443
Good.
399
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,546
I got one.
400
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:30,116
I should wanna say hi
to him nicely,
401
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:33,753
I shouldn’t wanna keep him
in a big jar in my basement.
402
00:17:33,787 --> 00:17:35,689
All right, Doug, that’s great.
403
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,425
We understand that now.
Go on, though.
404
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:41,194
Why shouldn’t you put him
in a big jar in your basement?
405
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,700
Because his breath
would fog up the glass,
406
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,068
and I wouldn’t be able
to see him?
407
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,602
Well, now there is that,
408
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,404
- but there’s also--
- You people are crazy!
409
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,442
Uh, you’re talking
about killing Mr. Belvedere,
410
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,378
and putting this Brocktoon guy
in a big jar,
411
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,680
and dead house pets?
412
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:04,351
I mean, can’t you see what
you’re talking about is wrong?
413
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,420
I mean, can’t you see that?
414
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:11,391
( screaming ) Help!
( laughter )
415
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:16,296
( cheering and applause )
416
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,207
*
417
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,743
Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.
418
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:34,447
( cheering and applause )
419
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:47,727
Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon,
and I’m a dysfunctional looter.
420
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:50,697
Well, upon reviewing the
riot-damaged neighborhoods
421
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:51,831
in Los Angeles this week,
422
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:53,333
President Bush
was said to be shocked
423
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:55,468
by what black people
really look like close-up.
424
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:57,203
( laughter )
425
00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:00,173
( cheering and applause )
426
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,246
And in an act
of good Samaritanship,
427
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,083
a South Central L.A. youth here
instructs a national guardsman
428
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,686
on the proper loading procedure
of his M-16.
429
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:15,388
( laughter, applause )
430
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,157
Just to give you an idea
of the speed
431
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,591
with which the riot developed,
432
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,193
Tower Records
in South Central L.A.
433
00:19:20,226 --> 00:19:22,028
was broken in two,
and within four minutes,
434
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,596
looters had stripped it
completely,
435
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,932
barely leaving only
the Dan Fogelberg section.
436
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,802
( laughter )
437
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:32,038
Streets of L.A.
are relatively quiet now
438
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,640
as thousands of looters
are staying home
439
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,875
to figure out
how to program their new VCRs.
440
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:39,879
( laughter )
441
00:19:39,913 --> 00:19:42,849
( cheering and applause )
442
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,887
And President Bush has ordered
a federal civil investigation
443
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,556
of the Rodney King case
in an effort
444
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,391
to indict
the four accused officers.
445
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,059
Heading up the investigation
are surviving members
446
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,394
of the Warren Commission.
447
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,863
( laughter )
448
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,298
Now just in from Los Angeles
449
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,800
is our West Coast correspondent,
Jay Leno.
450
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:02,202
( cheering and applause )
451
00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:06,473
Thank you, Kevin. Thank you.
Just--
452
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,641
- Thank you.
- What’s it like out there, Jay?
453
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,110
Well, I just got back
from Los Angeles
454
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:11,978
as with the USO
entertaining the troops
455
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:13,380
on Hollywood Boulevard.
456
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:14,748
All right.
457
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,516
Any signs of encouragement?
458
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,418
Kevin, I did see signs
of encouragement.
459
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,954
Two days into the rioting, I saw
something very encouraging.
460
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,256
I saw a black man
and a white man
461
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:25,091
stealing a television together.
462
00:20:25,125 --> 00:20:27,627
- So I think that
that is always a good sign.
- Really? That’s good.
463
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:28,962
That’s a good sign.
464
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,630
Now, how do you think
the president
465
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,065
is handling the whole thing?
466
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,466
I think President basically
had a touch.
467
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,001
Just two weeks ago, he said,
468
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:38,104
"We don’t have as many homeless
now as we did a year ago,"
469
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:39,639
which is not really true.
470
00:20:39,673 --> 00:20:40,807
You know, the government
will always try
471
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,242
to reclassify people
472
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:43,476
so it looks better
on the census.
473
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,145
I didn’t call them
homeless anymore.
474
00:20:45,178 --> 00:20:47,313
I think now
they’re called outdoorsmen.
475
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,050
Yeah, more people
living outdoors,
476
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:53,186
more people
enjoying the outdoors.
477
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,588
Now, what about the Republicans?
Do they have a handle on it?
478
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:58,024
Actually, Buchanan, just today,
has come out with an idea
479
00:20:58,058 --> 00:21:00,460
to help pay
for some of the riot damage.
480
00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:03,797
He wants to put a box tax
on the homeless.
481
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,665
See, the bigger the box
they’re living in,
482
00:21:05,699 --> 00:21:07,467
the more they would pay,
483
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,337
so basically, draconian
but a progressive tax.
484
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:11,971
Makes sense.
Okay, thank you, Jay.
485
00:21:12,072 --> 00:21:13,173
- Thank you, Kevin.
- Good luck out there.
486
00:21:13,206 --> 00:21:16,142
( cheering and applause )
487
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,552
Thank you, Jay.
488
00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:30,156
We wish Jay good luck
for the Tonight’s Show.
489
00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:31,558
( applause )
490
00:21:31,591 --> 00:21:33,860
An angry mob
chanted anti-US slogans
491
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:37,731
and burned American flags
in Iraq this week.
492
00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:41,601
Oh, I’m sorry, that crowd
was in Washington, my mistake.
493
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,870
And in June,
George Foreman is scheduled
494
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:48,008
to fight former heavyweight
Joe Frazier. ( chuckles )
495
00:21:52,012 --> 00:21:54,881
There was a startling
development in Bangladesh today.
496
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:58,385
Let’s look at that story
from another angle.
497
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:02,722
There was a startling
development in Bangladesh today.
498
00:22:05,125 --> 00:22:07,494
Former President Ronald Reagan
and Mikhail Gorbachev
499
00:22:07,527 --> 00:22:09,129
dressed up as cowboys last week
500
00:22:09,162 --> 00:22:11,097
as Reagan came
under the mistaken impression
501
00:22:11,131 --> 00:22:13,166
that the city had been attacked
by Indians.
502
00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:16,403
( laughter )
503
00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:18,405
And at a Clinton rally
this week,
504
00:22:18,438 --> 00:22:19,673
Hillary Clinton
entertained the crowd
505
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:22,075
with her hilarious
Ross Perot imitation.
506
00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:23,977
( laughter, applause )
507
00:22:25,879 --> 00:22:27,647
Well, it’s Mother’s Day tomorrow
and here with a commentary
508
00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:29,582
is Saturday Night Live’s
own David Spade.
509
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:30,850
- David?
- Yeah.
510
00:22:30,884 --> 00:22:32,085
( cheering and applause )
511
00:22:32,118 --> 00:22:34,821
Thank you, Kevin.
512
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:37,157
You know, mothers
deserve this day of recognition
513
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,658
for all they put up with.
514
00:22:38,692 --> 00:22:40,560
I’m from Arizona,
and like a lot of people,
515
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:42,762
I don’t get
to see my mom much anymore.
516
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:44,130
But before I get into that,
517
00:22:44,164 --> 00:22:46,332
let me give you a brief history
of my family.
518
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,368
We moved to Arizona
when I was 4.
519
00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:52,205
My parents got divorced when
I was 5 when my dad just left.
520
00:22:52,238 --> 00:22:53,506
It was one of those divorces.
521
00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:56,176
He just took off one day
and he showed up once a year
522
00:22:56,209 --> 00:22:57,977
and gave me a new football
for Christmas
523
00:22:58,011 --> 00:22:59,279
and thought
he was my hero again.
524
00:22:59,312 --> 00:23:00,447
"Ooh, thanks, Dad.
525
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:01,648
Ooh, it’s two colors.
526
00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:03,516
You’re spoiling me,
you bastard."
527
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:06,219
That’s why I love my mother.
She’s always there.
528
00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:08,054
She knew I always wanted
to be on TV.
529
00:23:08,088 --> 00:23:10,590
And she told me something once
and stayed with me.
530
00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:13,493
When I grew up,
one night at dinner, she said,
531
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:15,061
"Don’t cling to your fantasies
532
00:23:15,061 --> 00:23:17,564
and quit staring at me,
little freak."
533
00:23:17,597 --> 00:23:19,199
I don’t think she meant it.
She was in a bad mood.
534
00:23:19,232 --> 00:23:21,134
The alimony check
was late or something.
535
00:23:21,167 --> 00:23:23,737
She also said a lot
of positive things.
536
00:23:23,770 --> 00:23:25,338
Nothing comes to mind right now,
537
00:23:25,372 --> 00:23:28,708
but the point is she’s a great
lady and she cares about me.
538
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:31,244
She doesn’t care
if the bass player from Megadeth
539
00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:32,712
isn’t getting along
with the drummer
540
00:23:32,746 --> 00:23:35,181
and they might back out
of their summer tour.
541
00:23:35,215 --> 00:23:37,150
She doesn’t care if you can’t
get the Playboy channel
542
00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:38,585
on some parts of Manhattan
543
00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:41,321
’cause of some stupid
zoning thing I don’t understand
544
00:23:41,354 --> 00:23:43,256
and I might have to move
because of it.
545
00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:45,959
She doesn’t let these
important issues bother her.
546
00:23:45,992 --> 00:23:48,661
She just puts her hair up
in rubber band and moves on.
547
00:23:48,695 --> 00:23:50,296
I always admired that.
548
00:23:50,330 --> 00:23:51,831
The only thing bad
about Mother’s Day
549
00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:54,768
is it’s close to Father’s Day,
and on Father’s Day,
550
00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,736
I have to get together
with my real dad
551
00:23:56,770 --> 00:23:59,539
and go to some happy hour
and check out girls.
552
00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:01,041
It’s so awkward.
553
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:03,043
I’ll say, "Hey, Dad,
that’s girl’s doable,"
554
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:04,244
and he’ll chime in,
555
00:24:04,277 --> 00:24:06,413
"I’ll tell you who’s doable,
your mom.
556
00:24:06,446 --> 00:24:08,148
When I met her,
I was a little drunk,
557
00:24:08,181 --> 00:24:10,283
but she was wasted, buddy,
and ready to go."
558
00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:12,252
"Ho, ho, ho.
Dad, please, that’s mom.
559
00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:13,953
That’s my mom.
Remember how that works.
560
00:24:14,054 --> 00:24:15,088
Don’t cross me out.
561
00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,290
Read me a story
or something, you sicko."
562
00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,892
"Hey, I’m just telling you.
563
00:24:18,925 --> 00:24:20,727
By the time we got
in the bedroom, we--"
564
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,462
"Okay, got it, all right.
Come on.
565
00:24:22,495 --> 00:24:24,264
Give me a lifesaver.
Tuck me in.
566
00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,633
Let’s toss the ball.
Be normal, you perv.
567
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:28,601
( laughter )
568
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:30,904
So that’s the day
I’m not looking forward to.
569
00:24:30,937 --> 00:24:32,572
Anyway,
I’m not gonna see her tomorrow.
570
00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,341
She wanted me
to fly home this weekend,
571
00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:35,842
but I told her I had to work.
572
00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:38,078
And she said, "Can’t you get
someone else to stand there
573
00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:39,245
and wave goodnight for you?"
574
00:24:39,279 --> 00:24:40,647
Now that hurt.
575
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,949
But then again,
she didn’t need to.
576
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,851
And in closing,
I really miss her
577
00:24:44,884 --> 00:24:45,985
and I hope all the moms
out there
578
00:24:46,086 --> 00:24:47,721
have a great day
’cause they deserve it.
579
00:24:47,754 --> 00:24:49,456
( applause )
Thank you, David.
580
00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:51,591
- Thank you, Kevin Nealon.
- Thank you.
581
00:24:58,798 --> 00:25:01,034
Last month, rocker David Bowie
married a man
582
00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:04,904
and a secret--sorry,
that’s Imam, the supermodel.
583
00:25:04,938 --> 00:25:06,206
I’m sorry.
584
00:25:08,641 --> 00:25:10,577
And on the entertainment front,
585
00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:13,246
New Kids on the Block
are considering solo careers.
586
00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:17,183
It’s not sure who will be
called Block, New, or Kids.
587
00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:20,053
The Grand Canyon--
588
00:25:22,822 --> 00:25:24,591
Well, McDonald Douglas
announced this week
589
00:25:24,624 --> 00:25:26,760
its plans to build a huge
two-story jet
590
00:25:26,793 --> 00:25:29,229
capable of carrying
511 passengers.
591
00:25:29,262 --> 00:25:31,598
Not to be outdone,
Boeing has announced its plans
592
00:25:31,631 --> 00:25:35,068
to build an even bigger version.
593
00:25:35,101 --> 00:25:39,172
A new medical study
has found eating celery
594
00:25:39,205 --> 00:25:40,874
can lower high blood pressure
in rats.
595
00:25:40,907 --> 00:25:43,076
The same study shows rats
only get high blood pressure
596
00:25:43,076 --> 00:25:44,944
because they’re forced
to take part in studies.
597
00:25:44,978 --> 00:25:48,148
( laughter )
598
00:25:48,181 --> 00:25:50,283
Further studies reveal
that four out of five people
599
00:25:50,316 --> 00:25:52,218
think that the fifth one
is an idiot.
600
00:25:52,252 --> 00:25:54,821
( laughter )
601
00:25:54,854 --> 00:25:56,356
All right,
and here with a commentary
602
00:25:56,389 --> 00:25:58,692
is Weekend Update’s
Queen Shenequa, Queen?
603
00:25:58,725 --> 00:26:01,661
( cheering and applause )
604
00:26:04,564 --> 00:26:05,865
Hi, America.
605
00:26:05,899 --> 00:26:08,735
Queen Shenequa, jetlagged
and back from covering
606
00:26:08,768 --> 00:26:11,571
the Rodney King incident
in Los Angeles.
607
00:26:11,604 --> 00:26:13,840
Los Angeles,
they should change the name
608
00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:16,576
to Lost Projects on Fire.
609
00:26:16,609 --> 00:26:19,212
See, I was visiting
my stupid girlfriend, Christine,
610
00:26:19,245 --> 00:26:22,082
she lives in California, her and
her stupid boyfriend, Sherman.
611
00:26:22,115 --> 00:26:24,184
She said, "Queen Shenequa,
Queen Shenequa.
612
00:26:24,217 --> 00:26:26,286
Sherman was out shopping
during the riots.
613
00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:28,121
They got me a high chair."
614
00:26:28,154 --> 00:26:29,422
I said, "A high chair?
615
00:26:29,456 --> 00:26:31,491
Christine, you ain’t even got
no kids."
616
00:26:31,524 --> 00:26:33,560
She says,
"So mind your business.
617
00:26:33,593 --> 00:26:35,729
At least he was thinking
about me."
618
00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:39,532
( laughter )
619
00:26:39,566 --> 00:26:42,435
I said, "Yeah, but what was
he thinking, a high chair?"
620
00:26:42,469 --> 00:26:45,105
Now not that I would loot,
but if I did,
621
00:26:45,138 --> 00:26:47,540
I’d get me a new washer
and dryer
622
00:26:47,574 --> 00:26:50,176
side by side
in designer colors,
623
00:26:50,210 --> 00:26:52,779
automatic
fabric softener dispenser
624
00:26:52,812 --> 00:26:55,482
lynch wrapped
with a quiet spin cycle,
625
00:26:55,515 --> 00:26:58,084
retails for about $1,895.
626
00:26:58,084 --> 00:26:59,152
But that’s just me.
627
00:26:59,185 --> 00:27:01,021
Not that I would loot
or nothing.
628
00:27:01,021 --> 00:27:03,356
But a high chair, chair, please.
629
00:27:03,390 --> 00:27:04,791
Them two are so stupid.
630
00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:07,694
They are as stupid as the jury
that let them cops go
631
00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:09,162
that beat up Rodney King!
632
00:27:09,195 --> 00:27:10,397
What did they think?
633
00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:12,866
The cops were beating up Rodney
to test his Timex?
634
00:27:12,899 --> 00:27:15,268
To see if he could take
a leaky nicky von ticky?
635
00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:19,039
( laughter, applause )
636
00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:21,708
Now before I go, I would like
to wish every mother
637
00:27:21,741 --> 00:27:22,842
a Happy Mother’s Day.
638
00:27:22,876 --> 00:27:24,744
I’m a mother.
639
00:27:24,778 --> 00:27:26,179
I know what you’re thinking.
640
00:27:26,212 --> 00:27:29,115
I look too young to be a mother.
( laughter )
641
00:27:29,149 --> 00:27:32,786
But I am, and here’s my daughter
Princess Aquila Rihanna.
642
00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:35,755
( cheering and applause )
643
00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:42,262
Aquila Rihanna
is a Swahili name,
644
00:27:42,295 --> 00:27:43,496
translation, little bitch,
645
00:27:43,530 --> 00:27:45,331
don’t even think
about getting pregnant.
646
00:27:45,365 --> 00:27:48,301
( laughter, applause )
647
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,073
Would you like
to say something?
648
00:27:53,073 --> 00:27:54,641
Yes, I would.
649
00:27:54,674 --> 00:27:56,142
Happy Mother’s Day.
650
00:27:56,176 --> 00:27:59,112
( applause )
651
00:28:01,314 --> 00:28:03,850
Grandma said to say thanks
for the big TV,
652
00:28:03,883 --> 00:28:07,520
but why does it smell
like smoke?
653
00:28:07,554 --> 00:28:09,155
( laughter )
654
00:28:09,189 --> 00:28:11,191
Oh. Shut up! ( chuckles )
655
00:28:11,224 --> 00:28:12,726
Thank you, Kevin!
( chuckles )
656
00:28:12,759 --> 00:28:14,127
Okay. thank you, Queen.
657
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,097
( cheering and applause )
658
00:28:23,770 --> 00:28:27,040
Judy, the first mommy-to-be doll
reached the toy stores today.
659
00:28:27,073 --> 00:28:28,608
You simply remove
the pregnant stomach
660
00:28:28,641 --> 00:28:30,944
and out pops
the little plastic baby.
661
00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:33,780
A paternity suit has already
been filed against G.I. Joe.
662
00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:36,750
( laughter )
663
00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:38,618
By the way,
Judy retails for $19.95,
664
00:28:38,651 --> 00:28:40,186
but with doctor
and hospital expenses,
665
00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:44,057
the doll’s total cost
could reach $9,864.
666
00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:45,725
Well, the verdict is in
667
00:28:45,759 --> 00:28:48,528
and the Rangers’ Adam Graves
did not deliberately slash
668
00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,430
Pittsburgh Penguins’
Mario Lemieux,
669
00:28:50,463 --> 00:28:52,265
causing a broken hand
for Lemieux
670
00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:54,267
and a four-game suspension
for Graves.
671
00:28:54,300 --> 00:28:55,735
Let’s take a look.
672
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,009
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
673
00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:06,680
The jurors are said to be flying
back to Simi Valley today.
674
00:29:06,713 --> 00:29:09,082
( laughter )
675
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:12,018
( applause )
676
00:29:12,052 --> 00:29:13,420
For tomorrow’s Mother’s Day,
677
00:29:13,453 --> 00:29:15,388
an impromptu poll was taken
at my house and it revealed
678
00:29:15,422 --> 00:29:17,891
that the third most often used
phrase by my mother
679
00:29:17,924 --> 00:29:21,561
while I was growing up was,
"I’m not your maid."
680
00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,597
The second was, "Because
every day is children’s day."
681
00:29:24,631 --> 00:29:26,533
And the first was,
"Why lend you money
682
00:29:26,566 --> 00:29:28,868
when you just spend it
on Ripple & Hookers."
683
00:29:28,902 --> 00:29:31,838
( laughter, applause )
684
00:29:33,740 --> 00:29:35,742
An enterprising concert promoter
has signed Rodney King
685
00:29:35,775 --> 00:29:38,812
along with Desiree Washington,
the Mike Tyson victim,
686
00:29:38,845 --> 00:29:40,513
and Tracy Edwards,
the only person to escape
687
00:29:40,547 --> 00:29:42,182
from Jeffrey Dahmer.
688
00:29:42,215 --> 00:29:44,184
The three will go on
an international speaking tour
689
00:29:44,217 --> 00:29:46,853
under the title "Raped, Beaten,
and Almost Eaten."
690
00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:48,888
( laughter )
691
00:29:48,922 --> 00:29:51,224
I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.
692
00:29:51,257 --> 00:29:54,194
*
693
00:30:03,103 --> 00:30:06,873
Oh, man, that was great.
694
00:30:06,906 --> 00:30:08,041
I know. I was starving.
695
00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:09,776
Oh, I’m finally relaxing.
696
00:30:09,809 --> 00:30:10,910
God, what an awful day.
697
00:30:10,944 --> 00:30:12,145
Oh, honey.
698
00:30:12,178 --> 00:30:14,114
When I found out
that the head of marketing
699
00:30:14,147 --> 00:30:15,281
was Brooke Myers’s son-in-law,
700
00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:17,017
I wanted to quit
right then and there.
701
00:30:17,050 --> 00:30:20,520
I mean, how much nepotism
can this company endure?
702
00:30:20,553 --> 00:30:22,055
I was so angry.
703
00:30:22,088 --> 00:30:23,323
Well,
when you get your business,
704
00:30:23,356 --> 00:30:25,392
let’s see who you hire.
( chuckles )
705
00:30:27,727 --> 00:30:30,030
You know who you sounded like
just then?
706
00:30:30,063 --> 00:30:32,165
- Who?
- Your mother.
707
00:30:32,198 --> 00:30:34,401
Oh, don’t!
No, no, don’t say that.
708
00:30:34,434 --> 00:30:35,902
God,
I hate the thought of that.
709
00:30:35,935 --> 00:30:37,937
That was exactly
like something Doris would say.
710
00:30:37,971 --> 00:30:39,806
Oh, don’t even joke, Rick.
711
00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:42,142
But you know, today,
I was at lunch
712
00:30:42,175 --> 00:30:44,277
and the waitress asked me
if I wanted some iced tea
713
00:30:44,310 --> 00:30:46,012
and I said, "Alrighty."
714
00:30:46,046 --> 00:30:47,147
Alrighty?
715
00:30:47,180 --> 00:30:49,482
- Alrighty?
- I was so mortified.
716
00:30:49,516 --> 00:30:50,684
I didn’t know
where it came from,
717
00:30:50,717 --> 00:30:53,586
but now I realize,
my mother says alrighty.
718
00:30:53,620 --> 00:30:55,055
Oh. Oh, honey. Now come on.
719
00:30:55,088 --> 00:30:59,092
Now please, whatever you do,
don’t become your mother.
720
00:30:59,125 --> 00:31:00,727
- God, I won’t.
- All right.
721
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,096
What do you wanna do tonight?
( grunts )
722
00:31:03,129 --> 00:31:04,464
Should we watch
Silence of the Lambs
723
00:31:04,497 --> 00:31:06,299
or you wanna finish up
with Last Detail?
724
00:31:06,332 --> 00:31:07,867
Oh, let’s finish Last Detail.
725
00:31:07,901 --> 00:31:09,169
Well, all right.
726
00:31:11,071 --> 00:31:13,406
( sighs )
727
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:14,941
Where’s the tracking?
728
00:31:14,974 --> 00:31:18,511
Uh, it’s right on there,
underneath the front part.
729
00:31:18,545 --> 00:31:21,481
Oh, here it is. Okay.
730
00:31:21,514 --> 00:31:24,217
Well, these machines
don’t have to be so complicated.
731
00:31:24,250 --> 00:31:25,852
It’s like you’ve got to have
a college degree
732
00:31:25,885 --> 00:31:27,620
just to learn to work the VCR!
733
00:31:27,654 --> 00:31:29,522
I just don’t get it!
734
00:31:29,556 --> 00:31:32,992
( laughter )
735
00:31:33,093 --> 00:31:34,627
You did it again.
736
00:31:34,661 --> 00:31:36,096
- What?
- You know, you’re doing it.
737
00:31:36,129 --> 00:31:37,897
You’re sounding
just like your mother.
738
00:31:37,931 --> 00:31:39,399
Oh! Now you’re imagining it.
739
00:31:39,432 --> 00:31:41,401
No, I’m not.
Oh, this is good.
740
00:31:41,434 --> 00:31:42,736
This is a good part
of this movie.
741
00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,604
Oh, I know.
I love this movie.
742
00:31:44,637 --> 00:31:48,875
Oh, why did they have to use
language like that? Honestly?
743
00:31:48,908 --> 00:31:51,811
( laughter )
744
00:31:51,845 --> 00:31:53,313
Yeah, right.
745
00:31:53,346 --> 00:31:54,848
And all the nudity.
746
00:31:54,881 --> 00:31:57,550
It’s a lot sexier
when you don’t see everything!
747
00:31:57,584 --> 00:31:59,119
My goodness!
748
00:31:59,119 --> 00:32:01,421
*
749
00:32:01,454 --> 00:32:04,724
Announcer: She returnedinto her mother!
750
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:10,463
Say, honey, why don’t we
just turn the tape off, huh?
751
00:32:10,497 --> 00:32:12,232
Maybe we could just talk.
752
00:32:12,265 --> 00:32:13,700
Or we could watch some TV,
753
00:32:13,733 --> 00:32:16,269
you know, Murder She Wrote
is on in 10 minutes.
754
00:32:16,302 --> 00:32:18,672
( laughter )
755
00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:20,940
You don’t watch
Murder She Wrote.
756
00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,309
Old ladies
watch Murder She Wrote!
757
00:32:23,343 --> 00:32:26,079
You’re 30 years old!
758
00:32:26,079 --> 00:32:27,681
You’re right. I don’t know
what’s happening to me.
759
00:32:27,714 --> 00:32:29,482
Honey, I’m not sure
you’re feeling well.
760
00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,284
Why don’t we just--
we won’t go
761
00:32:31,317 --> 00:32:32,886
to Fred and Mary Jo’s
tomorrow night, all right?
762
00:32:32,919 --> 00:32:34,320
We’ll just stay home, huh?
763
00:32:34,354 --> 00:32:36,923
Oh, I forgot about that party.
I was looking forward to it.
764
00:32:36,956 --> 00:32:39,759
In fact, I was thinking
of buying a new pants outfit,
765
00:32:39,793 --> 00:32:41,661
denim, something with it!
766
00:32:41,695 --> 00:32:44,631
( laughter )
767
00:32:44,664 --> 00:32:45,965
A what?
768
00:32:45,999 --> 00:32:48,668
A pant outfit, you know,
slacks with a top to match.
769
00:32:48,702 --> 00:32:51,671
Oh, my God! What am I doing?
Help me!
770
00:32:51,705 --> 00:32:54,107
I just wanna look spiffy!
771
00:32:54,107 --> 00:32:55,975
What’s happening?
I can’t control myself!
772
00:32:56,009 --> 00:32:57,444
Oh, it’s all right,
it’s all right!
773
00:32:57,477 --> 00:32:59,112
It’s all right, honey.
It’s okay, it’s okay.
774
00:32:59,112 --> 00:33:01,047
It’s okay, it’s okay.
Come on, come on.
775
00:33:01,081 --> 00:33:03,049
We can beat this thing.
I know we can. Come on.
776
00:33:03,083 --> 00:33:05,518
- What can I do?
- Well, let’s--let’s just--
let’s talk about something,
777
00:33:05,552 --> 00:33:07,754
something that your mother
would never ever talk about!
778
00:33:07,787 --> 00:33:09,956
- Like, um, like what?
- Oh, like politics?
779
00:33:10,056 --> 00:33:13,059
Good, good! Okay!
Okay, politics. Yeah, politics.
780
00:33:13,059 --> 00:33:17,163
So, what do you think of Bush’s
domestic policies, honey?
781
00:33:17,197 --> 00:33:18,398
Bush? Rick,
you really wanna get me started?
782
00:33:18,431 --> 00:33:19,799
Yes, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
783
00:33:19,833 --> 00:33:22,302
Okay, the man is not addressing
the problems of the underclass.
784
00:33:22,335 --> 00:33:24,070
- Good! Yeah!
- And I don’t think
he ever will.
785
00:33:24,104 --> 00:33:27,073
- Uh-huh.
- But although I didn’t vote for
him, he is our president
786
00:33:27,107 --> 00:33:30,143
and we are obligated
to support him!
787
00:33:32,946 --> 00:33:35,081
- I’m getting scared.
- Me too, Rick.
788
00:33:35,081 --> 00:33:36,883
- Make it stop! Make it stop!
- All right--
789
00:33:36,916 --> 00:33:38,618
Stop it! Just stop it!
790
00:33:38,651 --> 00:33:40,520
- Stop it!
- ( groans ) My back hurts!
791
00:33:40,553 --> 00:33:42,655
Why does my back hurt?
792
00:33:42,689 --> 00:33:44,224
Snap out of it!
Snap out of it!
793
00:33:44,257 --> 00:33:47,127
I am gonna get you back.
I’m gonna get you back!
794
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:48,728
Now what’s your name?!
795
00:33:48,762 --> 00:33:50,096
- Doris.
- No!
796
00:33:50,096 --> 00:33:51,498
- It’s Katie!
- Katie.
797
00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:53,299
- What year were you born?
- 1937.
798
00:33:53,333 --> 00:33:54,434
No!
799
00:33:54,467 --> 00:33:56,703
- 1962!
- 1962.
800
00:33:56,736 --> 00:33:58,605
Who’s your favorite musician?
801
00:33:58,638 --> 00:34:00,907
- Patti Page.
- No!
802
00:34:00,940 --> 00:34:02,409
It’s REM!
803
00:34:02,442 --> 00:34:04,577
- REM, I remember.
- Oh, come on.
804
00:34:04,611 --> 00:34:06,746
- Everything’s gonna be okay.
- ( sobs )
805
00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:08,048
We’ll be okay.
806
00:34:08,048 --> 00:34:09,349
Come on,
it’s gonna be all right.
807
00:34:09,382 --> 00:34:10,550
- It’s gonna be all right.
- You’re right.
808
00:34:10,583 --> 00:34:12,085
Okay, all right. Come on.
809
00:34:12,118 --> 00:34:13,787
I’ve just got
to pull myself together.
810
00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:15,922
All right, now you do that.
811
00:34:15,955 --> 00:34:18,892
Go pull yourself together.
812
00:34:18,925 --> 00:34:21,261
You can fight it, honey!
813
00:34:21,294 --> 00:34:22,529
You can, sure.
814
00:34:22,562 --> 00:34:26,533
As you get older, the timber
of your voice will age.
815
00:34:26,566 --> 00:34:27,667
Well, you sound like your mother
816
00:34:27,701 --> 00:34:29,135
so you may actually sound
like her.
817
00:34:29,169 --> 00:34:31,938
You might even talk endlessly
about your body functions,
818
00:34:31,971 --> 00:34:35,275
especially at meals,
or you might just turn on
819
00:34:35,308 --> 00:34:37,444
the weather channel
countless times during the day.
820
00:34:37,477 --> 00:34:40,914
But you don’t--you don’t have
to think like her, you know?
821
00:34:40,947 --> 00:34:42,649
You don’t have to say
the things she says
822
00:34:42,682 --> 00:34:45,085
because you’re you, Katie!
823
00:34:45,118 --> 00:34:46,820
That’s why I married you.
824
00:34:46,853 --> 00:34:50,457
- Oh, I love you Katie, it’s--
- And I love you too.
825
00:34:50,490 --> 00:34:52,225
How about a little cuddle
before we go to bed?
826
00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:53,460
- No. No!
- Oh, come on!
827
00:34:53,493 --> 00:34:54,594
- Yeah, you want me!
- No!
828
00:34:54,627 --> 00:34:56,096
- Yeah, come on!
- No!
829
00:34:56,096 --> 00:35:00,133
No! No! No! No!
830
00:35:00,166 --> 00:35:03,103
( cheering and applause )
831
00:35:07,474 --> 00:35:11,478
*
832
00:35:11,511 --> 00:35:15,181
Announcer: Live from Crafton,California, BET TV,
833
00:35:15,215 --> 00:35:17,150
that’s Black EntertainmentTelevision,
834
00:35:17,183 --> 00:35:20,320
presents
The Dark Side with Nat X,
835
00:35:20,353 --> 00:35:23,323
the only show on TVwritten by a brother,
836
00:35:23,356 --> 00:35:26,726
produced by a brother, that’sstrictly for the brothers.
837
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,963
Now get ready for a manwho’s so black, he sweats tar.
838
00:35:30,063 --> 00:35:33,800
Step back,’cause here comes Nat!
839
00:35:33,833 --> 00:35:36,770
( applause )
840
00:35:39,439 --> 00:35:41,908
Peace, brothers and sisters,
and welcome to a special edition
841
00:35:41,941 --> 00:35:45,311
of The Dark Side,
the only 15-minute show on TV.
842
00:35:45,345 --> 00:35:48,915
But tonight, the man said
take as much time as I want.
843
00:35:48,948 --> 00:35:50,917
I wonder why.
844
00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:52,385
I think we all know
who the man is.
845
00:35:52,419 --> 00:35:54,487
I’m talking about the man
that made all the big keys
846
00:35:54,521 --> 00:35:58,124
on a piano white
and all the little keys black.
847
00:35:58,158 --> 00:36:00,360
I’m talking about the man
that gets pleasure
848
00:36:00,393 --> 00:36:02,762
from watching a bunch
of white guys in uniforms
849
00:36:02,796 --> 00:36:05,298
take a stick
and smack some black around.
850
00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:07,033
I’m not talking
about Rodney King.
851
00:36:07,067 --> 00:36:09,035
I’m talking about hockey!
852
00:36:09,069 --> 00:36:10,704
( laughter )
853
00:36:10,737 --> 00:36:11,938
All right.
854
00:36:12,038 --> 00:36:14,074
We got a big show,
but first, I wanna say hello
855
00:36:14,107 --> 00:36:17,410
to all my fans
watching on brand-new TVs.
856
00:36:17,444 --> 00:36:22,048
( laughter, applause )
857
00:36:22,048 --> 00:36:23,817
Thanks for leaving
the studio alone.
858
00:36:23,850 --> 00:36:26,052
All right, now before I bring up
my first guest,
859
00:36:26,086 --> 00:36:27,520
I wanna say--
Hey, what’s going on?
( siren wailing )
860
00:36:27,554 --> 00:36:29,155
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, get out of here!
861
00:36:29,189 --> 00:36:30,290
Get out of here! Watch out!
862
00:36:30,323 --> 00:36:31,591
Hey, hey! Leave me alone.
863
00:36:31,624 --> 00:36:33,393
I ain’t do nothing!
I ain’t do--Ah!
864
00:36:33,426 --> 00:36:35,328
( screaming )
865
00:36:35,362 --> 00:36:37,063
Oh! Oh, damn!
866
00:36:37,063 --> 00:36:38,865
( screaming )
867
00:36:38,898 --> 00:36:40,100
Help!
868
00:36:40,133 --> 00:36:41,201
( sighs )
869
00:36:43,236 --> 00:36:45,405
( sighs )
Boy, I haven’t hurt that bad
870
00:36:45,438 --> 00:36:47,440
since I saw a rerun
lose that dance contest
871
00:36:47,474 --> 00:36:49,209
on What’s Happening Now?
872
00:36:49,242 --> 00:36:50,377
( laughter )
873
00:36:50,410 --> 00:36:52,078
Now before I bring out
my first guest,
874
00:36:52,112 --> 00:36:54,881
I wanna update you
on the Jeffrey Dahmer situation.
875
00:36:54,914 --> 00:36:57,117
This week,
Jeff got another life sentence,
876
00:36:57,150 --> 00:37:00,620
upping his time to 994 years.
877
00:37:00,653 --> 00:37:02,022
Now if he was a black man,
878
00:37:02,022 --> 00:37:03,857
they would have given him
some real time.
879
00:37:03,890 --> 00:37:08,328
994, he’s gonna walk in 416.
880
00:37:08,361 --> 00:37:12,298
Okay, my first guest tonight--
my first guest tonight
881
00:37:12,332 --> 00:37:15,068
have already clinched
this year’s James Avery Award.
882
00:37:15,101 --> 00:37:18,405
I want you to please welcome
the Rodney King Jury.
883
00:37:18,438 --> 00:37:21,374
*
884
00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:27,747
Sit your 12 white asses down.
885
00:37:31,718 --> 00:37:33,753
Okay, quick, how many fingers?
886
00:37:33,787 --> 00:37:35,622
Two?
887
00:37:35,655 --> 00:37:38,091
Oh, but that’s right.
So you can see, huh?
888
00:37:38,124 --> 00:37:40,660
Now which one of you
is the foreman?
889
00:37:40,694 --> 00:37:43,663
( robotic voice )
That would be me, Nat.
890
00:37:43,697 --> 00:37:45,799
Yeah, you better disguise
your voice!
891
00:37:45,832 --> 00:37:48,802
Now how did you 12 get selected
for the jury?
892
00:37:48,835 --> 00:37:51,071
Well, in jury selection,
893
00:37:51,104 --> 00:37:55,975
a primary interest
is to avoid any prejudgments.
894
00:37:56,076 --> 00:37:57,877
Uh, yes, Nat,
we were selected
895
00:37:57,911 --> 00:38:01,147
because we have never seen
or heard
896
00:38:01,181 --> 00:38:04,751
about this Rodney King incident
before the trial.
897
00:38:04,784 --> 00:38:07,220
Never seen or heard
about Rodney King?
898
00:38:07,253 --> 00:38:09,789
Where was you living,
on the space shuttle?
899
00:38:09,823 --> 00:38:11,291
You mean while Rodney
was getting beat up,
900
00:38:11,324 --> 00:38:14,361
you guys were orbiting the moon,
drinking some Tang?
901
00:38:14,394 --> 00:38:16,529
What are you, a bunch
of Martians? What’s going on?
902
00:38:16,563 --> 00:38:20,033
I resent the implication
that we are from Mars.
903
00:38:20,033 --> 00:38:21,668
Now if there’s more to the tape
904
00:38:21,701 --> 00:38:25,071
than the general public
has seen, we saw the whole tape.
905
00:38:25,105 --> 00:38:27,340
The whole tape?
Now what part did I miss?
906
00:38:27,374 --> 00:38:29,509
The part where Rodney
picks up his ass?
907
00:38:29,542 --> 00:38:31,244
( laughter )
908
00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:32,445
I mean,
what’s wrong with you people?
909
00:38:32,479 --> 00:38:34,047
Did you enjoy what was going on?
910
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,683
Did you think
they were beating up Don King?
911
00:38:36,716 --> 00:38:40,053
( laughter, applause )
912
00:38:40,053 --> 00:38:44,691
Mr. X, when you watch the tape,
it’s clear,
913
00:38:44,724 --> 00:38:48,194
Rodney King
provoked the police response.
914
00:38:48,228 --> 00:38:50,830
Response? Response?
915
00:38:50,864 --> 00:38:54,467
They beat his butt so bad
my ass hurt.
916
00:38:54,501 --> 00:38:56,269
I mean, come on,
Hinckley guys, you know,
917
00:38:56,302 --> 00:38:58,838
he shot in the prison,
nobody beat his ass.
918
00:38:58,872 --> 00:39:00,340
May I say something?
919
00:39:00,373 --> 00:39:02,175
( laughter )
920
00:39:02,208 --> 00:39:06,146
Nat, when you watch it
frame by frame,
921
00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:10,750
you can see a lot of those blows
never landed on Mr. King.
922
00:39:10,784 --> 00:39:12,052
Never landed?
923
00:39:12,085 --> 00:39:15,088
The last time I saw a black man
get beat that bad
924
00:39:15,121 --> 00:39:17,090
was on pay-per-view!
925
00:39:17,123 --> 00:39:19,459
And Mike Tyson gave him a hug
at the end!
926
00:39:19,492 --> 00:39:21,461
Sammy, get these Quakers
out of here.
927
00:39:21,494 --> 00:39:23,463
Come on! Get out of here!
928
00:39:23,496 --> 00:39:27,233
You all are still bitter about
Jerry Cody, that’s what it is.
929
00:39:27,267 --> 00:39:28,668
All right,
I got to end this show right now
930
00:39:28,702 --> 00:39:30,637
before the National Guard
gets in here.
931
00:39:30,670 --> 00:39:33,173
But stay tuned for grudge match
with Rodney King and the police.
932
00:39:33,206 --> 00:39:35,041
Stay strong, brothers.
933
00:39:35,075 --> 00:39:38,044
( cheering and applause )
934
00:39:44,484 --> 00:39:46,519
*
935
00:39:46,553 --> 00:39:51,825
Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.
936
00:40:02,168 --> 00:40:05,105
( laughter, applause)
937
00:40:07,173 --> 00:40:10,110
*
938
00:40:14,881 --> 00:40:19,386
Good evening, and welcome
to Showcase Playhouse Theater.
939
00:40:19,419 --> 00:40:23,189
Tonight, we’re pleased
to present They Wanted to Fly,
940
00:40:23,223 --> 00:40:26,626
a three-act play
by Cameron Hormel.
941
00:40:26,659 --> 00:40:30,196
We’d like to welcome
our new sponsor tonight,
942
00:40:30,230 --> 00:40:34,567
Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose.
( laughter )
943
00:40:34,601 --> 00:40:36,870
When you hear "nice ass",
944
00:40:36,903 --> 00:40:40,840
chances are,
it’s Nice Ass, Baby.
945
00:40:40,874 --> 00:40:43,510
And now, Act 1
946
00:40:43,543 --> 00:40:46,680
of They Wanted to Fly.
947
00:40:46,713 --> 00:40:49,649
*
948
00:40:53,853 --> 00:40:55,522
What are you thinking about?
949
00:40:55,555 --> 00:40:58,258
Oh, you wouldn’t understand,
you’re just a girl.
950
00:40:58,291 --> 00:41:00,727
Oh, I’m also your best friend.
951
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:03,596
I was thinking,
I wish I could fly.
952
00:41:03,630 --> 00:41:04,764
You do?
953
00:41:04,798 --> 00:41:05,965
So do I!
954
00:41:06,066 --> 00:41:08,868
Really?
955
00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:10,737
( both breathing heavily )
956
00:41:10,770 --> 00:41:12,138
More than anything.
957
00:41:12,172 --> 00:41:17,110
Maybe if we both wish
hard enough, we really can fly.
958
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:23,149
That concludes Act 1.
959
00:41:25,318 --> 00:41:26,453
Ladies and gentlemen,
960
00:41:26,486 --> 00:41:29,222
I must apologize most sincerely,
as apparently,
961
00:41:29,255 --> 00:41:33,360
there is no such product
as Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose
962
00:41:33,393 --> 00:41:37,630
and I have been a victim
of a hoax.
963
00:41:37,664 --> 00:41:41,901
In Act 2
of They Wanted to Fly,
964
00:41:41,935 --> 00:41:45,005
Toby and Janet have grown
into teenagers.
965
00:41:45,105 --> 00:41:49,242
Their friendship has blossomed
into sexual awareness,
966
00:41:49,275 --> 00:41:52,545
but one thing
has remained the same,
967
00:41:52,579 --> 00:41:55,915
their desire to fly.
968
00:41:59,519 --> 00:42:02,188
Boy, when you stand up here
and wave your arms,
969
00:42:02,222 --> 00:42:04,657
it almost feels
like you’re flying.
970
00:42:04,691 --> 00:42:06,493
It does, doesn’t it?
971
00:42:06,526 --> 00:42:07,627
( laughs )
972
00:42:11,297 --> 00:42:12,665
That was fun.
973
00:42:12,699 --> 00:42:15,769
Janet,
do you think that maybe,
974
00:42:15,802 --> 00:42:18,938
somehow,
we really could fly?
975
00:42:18,972 --> 00:42:22,208
You mean just lift off
the ground up into the sky?
976
00:42:22,242 --> 00:42:25,512
Yeah,
that’s exactly what I mean.
977
00:42:27,313 --> 00:42:30,250
*
978
00:42:35,855 --> 00:42:37,824
I would like to apologize
979
00:42:37,857 --> 00:42:42,262
to the good people
at Nice Ass, Baby pantyhose.
980
00:42:42,295 --> 00:42:46,232
Their product is very real and
I’m sure, an excellent value.
981
00:42:49,102 --> 00:42:53,139
In the third and final act
of They Wanted to Fly,
982
00:42:53,173 --> 00:42:55,275
many years have passed.
983
00:42:55,308 --> 00:42:58,878
Toby and Janet
have gone their different ways,
984
00:42:58,912 --> 00:43:03,717
but they agree to meet once more
at their favorite spot.
985
00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,686
*
986
00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:15,061
Hello, Janet.
987
00:43:15,061 --> 00:43:16,730
Hello, Toby.
988
00:43:16,763 --> 00:43:19,232
I guess you heard about this.
989
00:43:19,265 --> 00:43:22,135
You tried to fly, didn’t you?
990
00:43:22,168 --> 00:43:25,071
They called it
attempted suicide.
991
00:43:25,071 --> 00:43:28,274
Toby, remember when we
used to wish we could fly?
992
00:43:28,308 --> 00:43:30,176
Maybe we really can.
993
00:43:30,210 --> 00:43:32,312
Don’t make fun, Janet!
994
00:43:32,345 --> 00:43:35,382
I’m stuck in this wheelchair.
995
00:43:35,415 --> 00:43:37,417
Well,
maybe that doesn’t matter.
996
00:43:37,450 --> 00:43:40,887
Maybe nothing matters except
that if we want it bad enough,
997
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,991
we can fly off together
into the sky.
998
00:43:45,091 --> 00:43:48,094
Wouldn’t that be something?
999
00:43:48,094 --> 00:43:50,730
Wouldn’t that be something?
1000
00:43:50,764 --> 00:43:53,700
*
1001
00:43:55,935 --> 00:43:58,872
( laughter )
1002
00:44:01,174 --> 00:44:04,377
Well, that concludes
1003
00:44:04,411 --> 00:44:09,049
Cameron Hormels’
They Wanted to Fly.
1004
00:44:09,082 --> 00:44:12,719
Join us next time
for Mr. Hormels’ latest play,
1005
00:44:12,752 --> 00:44:16,222
They Wantedto Get Totally Nude.
1006
00:44:16,256 --> 00:44:17,590
Good night.
1007
00:44:17,624 --> 00:44:22,095
( applause )
1008
00:44:22,128 --> 00:44:25,732
( cheering and applause )
1009
00:44:25,765 --> 00:44:28,702
*
1010
00:44:31,071 --> 00:44:32,706
Well,
it’s been quite a cavalcade.
1011
00:44:32,739 --> 00:44:36,409
with special guest Jay Leno...
( cheers )
1012
00:44:36,443 --> 00:44:40,447
Mr. Bruce Springsteen!
1013
00:44:40,480 --> 00:44:42,849
Thanks very much!
Happy Mother’s Day!
1014
00:44:42,882 --> 00:44:45,085
I love you, baby!
1015
00:44:45,085 --> 00:44:47,487
Sorry, Joe!
1016
00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:49,923
Thanks a lot!
Good night everybody!
1017
00:44:49,956 --> 00:44:52,892
*
76871
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.