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Gov. Brown, Gov. Clinton,
we’ll be ready for you
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- in five minutes.
- Thank you, Susan.
Appreciate it.
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You have a preference?
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00:00:19,819 --> 00:00:20,987
Excuse me?
5
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You have a preference?
Right podium or left podium?
6
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Well, either one’s fine, Bill,
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because it’s not important
which podium.
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I mean, what is important
is returning power
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to the people of this country
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00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:35,969
and it’s about uprooting
the entrenched corporate elite
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who, uh, who, uh, for so long
perverted the political system
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into serving their needs
instead of addressing the needs
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of the common man.
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And on second thought, Bill,
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I’m gonna go
with the right podium
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’cause I think it’s important,
if that’s okay with you?
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No problem, Jerry.
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Listen, I just want you to know
that I think you got a rod deal
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with that marijuana party thing
in California
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- and I’m not gonna bring it up.
- I appreciate that, Bill.
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Man, I don’t think either of us
is being served by drugstores
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at this point in the race.
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I mean, it hurts the process
and it hurts the party.
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Well, I agree.
I agree, Bill.
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And it would be like
bringing up old nicknames
26
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that really weren’t fair
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and I know
that you’re not interested
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in referring to me
as the Governor Moonbeam
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or Spaceman Jerry
or Governor Spaceman
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or Captain Weirdo.
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Well, exactly.
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The last thing America wants
to dwell on
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is something
that happened years ago,
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like who registered
for what draft
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and how they got out of it,
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or when they finally did go
to Vietnam,
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what side
they may have fought on.
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I mean, that’s ancient history
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and I know you don’t have
any interest in it.
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Well, none whatsoever, Bill,
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and I assume that you agree
that the voting public
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has no interest in hearing about
a couple of SNMK group parties
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at the governor’s mansion
in California.
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Some of which were attended
by Jim Jones
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and a few hundred
of his followers.
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Goes without saying.
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And similarly, it’d be a waste
of America’s time
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arguing whether I did or did not
start a few forced fires
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00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,727
and then bragged about them
to women to gain sexual favors.
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’Cause, you know,
it has no bearing on America
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00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:14,934
not being as competitive
as it could be.
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I crashed the Exxon Valdez.
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( laughter )
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I thought we could save a few
minutes if we cut by that reef
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and I clearly was wrong
and I admitted it
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and we don’t need
to bring it up.
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Ishtar was my idea.
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I said don’t worry
about the script,
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just put Beatty and Hoffman
out there in the desert,
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00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,925
put a serape on them,
something funny will happen.
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Trust me.
That’s what I said.
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Mum’s the word, Bill.
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And do you mind,
if I mention that you belong
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to an all-white country club.
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That’s all right.
That’s gonna come out anyway.
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You wanna swap wives?
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Oh, I’m not married, Bill.
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Do you have anything
you wanna swap?
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( laughter )
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Well, not really.
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00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:06,319
You know, uh,
maybe you shouldn’t mention
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00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,788
that I just brought up
wives swapping, you know.
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00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,056
There’s no need to, Bill,
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00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,459
because it has nothing to do
with the fact
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00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:15,362
that America has lost
its competitive edge,
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00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,531
and I just wanna know
are you gonna bring up the fact
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that here we are
live from New York
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and it’s Saturday Night.
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No, I won’t bring it up
if you don’t.
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00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,206
I’ll bring it up.
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00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,540
Tsongas!
Tsongas!
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Live from New York...
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it’s Saturday Night.
84
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*
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Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!
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With Dana Carvey...
87
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,612
Chris Farley...
88
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,948
Phil Hartman...
89
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,751
Victoria Jackson...
90
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,788
Mike Myers...
91
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:17,757
Kevin Nealon...
92
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,293
Chris Rock...
93
00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:22,095
Julia Sweeney...
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00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,067
with Ellen Cleghorne...
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Siobhan Fallon...
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Tim Meadows...
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Adam Sandler...
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Rob Schneider...
99
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,716
David Spade...
100
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,719
and featuring Beth Cahill...
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00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,721
Al Franken...
102
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,090
Melanie Hutsell...
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G.E. Smith andtheSaturday Night Live Band.
104
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:57,697
Musical guest, Annie Lennox...
105
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and starring Jerry Seinfeld.
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00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:17,350
Ladies and gentlemen,Jerry Seinfeld.
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( cheering and applause )
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Thank you. Thank you very much.
109
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:42,375
Thank you very much.
110
00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:46,613
That’s exactly the way I feel.
Exactly.
111
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:47,947
I’m very happy
to be in New York.
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It’s my favorite place
in the world to be.
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I love everything
about New York.
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I live here. I am New York.
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LaGuardia is my favorite airport
in the world
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because I like my runways
as short as they can get.
117
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,768
And I also enjoy that nice body
of water right past the edge
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of the runway.
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That’s a nice touch, isn’t it?
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I think they’re thinking of
putting some piranha in there.
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It’s the--really the only way
we can improve the takeoff area.
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LaGuardia, of course,
as you know,
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named after the ex-mayor
of New York,
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Fiorello H. LaGuardia.
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00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,921
And I’m sure that was quite
an exciting day in his life
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when he got that news.
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They probably said to him,
"You know, mayor,
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we’ve been doing a lot
of thinking
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and we’ve decided that we’re
naming the airport after you."
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And he probably went, "Really?
Which one?"
131
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And they went, LaGuardia,
right up on the Grand Central."
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"Oh, yeah, I’ve been there
a million times."
133
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You know what bothers me
on the plane
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is the pilot coming on
that P.A. system all the time.
135
00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:51,077
You know, why do they have
to talk to us?
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00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,546
We’re going over this,
we’re going over that,
137
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I’m making a left,
I’m bringing it up,
138
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I’m taking it down.
139
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Why don’t you just go
where you got to go?
140
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,922
Why bother him, going up there
knocking on the cockpit door,
141
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,726
I’m having the peanuts now.
142
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:11,631
Just thought you might like
to know what I’m doing.
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So long as we all know
what you’re doing.
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I’m not gonna have them all now.
145
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I don’t wanna finish it
because it’s such a big bag.
146
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But New York is a city.
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City with a lot of problems,
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a lot of crime,
a lot of things to clean up.
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00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,454
I think one of the things
we need to do to fix this city
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is to combine the jobs of cop
and garbage man.
151
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I don’t see why this can’t be
one job, cop/garbage man.
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How many times do you see a cop
just walking down the street,
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not doing anything.
154
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I say, "Grab a Broom!"
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Come on!
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Oh, you see a crime.
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Go ahead, stop the crime,
get the crooks,
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get right back to the sweeping.
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Sweep, sweep, sweep.
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00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,250
There is crime. How many times
do you see this no radio?
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I love--but they’re starting
to see variations.
162
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,422
You see no radio signs a lot
in the windows of cars, right?
163
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,125
Then I’ve seen no radio,
nothing in trunk.
164
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Have you seen that one?
I saw anyone. I swear.
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I’m not making this up.
No radio, thank you.
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We’re gonna--I guess
we’re gonna try being polite
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to the criminals,
see if that works.
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Sorry to disappoint you,
Mr. Crack-addict sir.
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( laughter )
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I have a friend that is thinking
of buying a stun gun
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because of the situation.
172
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A stun gun. I don’t really, uh,
even know how that works.
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But nice if they could be
adjustable thing, a stun gun.
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Isn’t it, you know,
you just zap the guy
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and he goes, "Whoa,"
and you go, "Are you okay?"
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"No, I’m fine.
I, uh, no, frankly I’m stunned.
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I really I’m just--
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I’m really stunned
that you would use that on me."
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Strange jobs in New York.
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Taxi cab drivers
always fascinate me.
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00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,008
I have one these guys--
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00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,109
Do you ever get one
of these guys
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00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:06,012
that accelerates
to the red light?
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It’s red.
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00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,715
You can’t make a light
that’s red
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00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:09,916
no matter how fast you go.
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They accelerate
so they can get a nice throwback
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00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:16,556
when they get to the--
you know, they love to do that.
189
00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,658
So I’m in the car--
Have you ever--
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00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,527
You know, sometimes
you just wanna talk to the guy.
191
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,761
You wanna go, "What is wrong?
192
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,330
What is making you drive
like this?
193
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Is it your--in your mind--
is it the cherry smell?
194
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What is the problem?"
195
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,271
What is the thinking
behind that cherry stuff
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00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,572
that somehow cherry B.O.
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is right--
better than regular B.O.?
198
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,845
The amazing thing
about riding in cabs in New York
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00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,313
is you are not afraid.
200
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:43,950
Isn’t this true? You are just,
for some reason, relaxed.
201
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:47,253
Your life is very much
in danger.
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00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,588
You’re in Manhattan--
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00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,623
When you’re in Manhattan,
you’re not scared.
204
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:53,326
You’re just watching
through that glass partition.
205
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,329
It’s like it’s all happening
on television, isn’t it?
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00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,732
He’s flying down.
He’s up on two wheels.
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00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,368
You know,
you’re in the backseat going,
208
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:05,338
"Well, that looked dangerous.
209
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,340
I wouldn’t try that in my car."
210
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,808
( laughter )
211
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:12,545
I’ve never seen an old lady jump
straight up like that, have you?
212
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:14,881
They really have a lot of spring
at that age.
213
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,116
I tell you the dumbest thing
you can think
214
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,251
at the back of the taxi cab is,
215
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,888
"Well, I’m sure the man knows
what he’s doing.
216
00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,190
He’s driving fast and recklessly
217
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,658
with total disregard
for human life,
218
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,827
but after all,
he’s a professional.
219
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,630
He’s got a cab driver’s license.
I can see it right there."
220
00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:33,466
I don’t even know what it takes
to get a cab driver’s license.
221
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,103
I don’t. I mean, it seems to me
all you need is a face.
222
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,305
( laughter )
223
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,342
This seems
to be the big qualification.
224
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,278
And a name with, like,
eight consonants in a row.
225
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,613
( laughter )
226
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,582
( applause )
227
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,221
Have you ever checked out some
of the letters in these names?
228
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,290
Can someone explain
to me the "O"
229
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,726
with the line through it?
230
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,828
What planet is that from?
231
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:04,364
You need a chart of the elements
if you wanna report the guy.
232
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:08,802
"Yes, officer, his name was Amal
and then the symbol for boron."
233
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,437
( laughter )
234
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,839
We’ve got a great show.
Annie Lennox is here.
235
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,075
Stick around.
We’ll be right back.
236
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:18,078
( cheering and applause )
237
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:28,855
Larry: Hi!
238
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,624
Get ready for big moneyand big prizes
239
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,626
onStand-up and Win.
240
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:36,262
And now, it’s timeto bring out our host,
241
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,332
make him feel welcome,Bobby Wheat!
242
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,302
( cheering and applause )
243
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,805
Hey!
244
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:48,274
How’s everybody doing?
245
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,543
Welcome to Stand-up and Win,
246
00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,146
where stand-ups compete
for big money.
247
00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:55,648
Contestants,
thanks for making it!
248
00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:56,783
Are you ready to play?
249
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,585
( indistinct shouting )
250
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:03,056
Okay! Hands on--
hands on buzzers.
251
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:05,725
Here’s our opening question.
252
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,660
"What’s the deal
with airplane food?"
253
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,662
( buzzer beeps )
Billy!
254
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,565
I know. Could this stuff
taste any worse?
255
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,300
It’s, like,
"Thanks, but no thanks.
256
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,503
I’m still stuffed
from that huge bag
257
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,338
of smoked almonds."
( correct answer bell dings )
258
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:19,739
That’s correct, Billy.
259
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:24,744
That’s worth 100 bucks,
and control of our board.
260
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,380
Okay, let’s take a look
at our categories.
261
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:31,651
They are: "Airplanes,
Breakfast Cereals,
262
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:35,922
Commercials, Chicken McNuggets,
263
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:40,393
7-11 Employees
and Gilligan’s Island."
264
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,595
Okay, Billy, what’ll it be?
265
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,098
Let’s stay with "Airplanes"
for 100.
266
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,100
Okay! Here’s the question.
267
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:50,437
"And what’s with that beef
stroganoff they serve you?"
268
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,238
( buzzer beeps )
I know!
269
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,841
It’s looking at you,
like, "Come on, I dare you!
270
00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,009
( wrong answer stinger )
271
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,111
( buzzer beeps )
Beef stroganoff?
272
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,780
Isn’t that getting a little
loose with the language?
273
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:01,915
( wrong answer stinger )
274
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,083
( buzzer beeps )
275
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,151
And the guy next to me,
he likes it.
276
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,820
He can’t get enough of it.
277
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,688
I’m looking for a dog
to slip it to.
278
00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:10,590
This guy’s asking for thirds.
279
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,625
( correct answer bell dings )
That’s right, Billy.
280
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,462
( applause )
281
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,131
And you’re on a roll!
282
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:21,267
- Let’s keep going
with "Airplanes" for 200.
- "Airplanes" for 200.
283
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,938
"And what is the deal
with the black box?"
284
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,673
( buzzer beeps )
Tommy!
285
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:29,542
It’s the only thing
that survives a crash.
286
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:32,846
Why don’t they build the whole
plane out of the black box!
287
00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,315
( correct answer bell dings )
288
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:40,587
I know.
I mean, that’s right.
289
00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,323
Let’s try "Breakfast Cereals,"
Bobby!
290
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,691
For a 100.
291
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:47,627
"What is the deal
with Count Chocula?"
292
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,928
( buzzer beeps )
293
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,465
I mean, are we supposed
to be afraid of this guy?
294
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,201
( correct answer bell dings )
Keep going.
295
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,270
Let’s go to "Commercials"
for 100.
296
00:13:57,303 --> 00:14:01,474
For 100, "Have you seen this one
for the clapper?
297
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,643
I mean, have you seen this?"
298
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,445
( buzzer beeps )
299
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,881
I’m thinking,
"Is that the same old lady
300
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:10,517
who says, ’I’ve fallen,
and I can’t get up’?"
301
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,651
( wrong answer stinger )
302
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,953
( cheering and applause )
303
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,221
( buzzer beeps )
304
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:18,058
Who are the ad wizards
who came up with this one?
305
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,125
( wrong answer stinger )
306
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:23,329
Sorry. The correct answer
is "clap on, clap off?
307
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698
I’m watching TV.
308
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,633
Every time someone
gets a round of applause,
309
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,236
my garage door
goes up and down!
310
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,772
Clap on, clap off?
I’m watching TV.
311
00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:34,674
Every time someone
gets a round of applause,
312
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,477
my garage door
goes up and down!"
313
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:38,611
Okay.
314
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,847
( laughter )
315
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,718
Let’s take a break
and meet our contestants.
316
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,086
Tommy Shelton,
317
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,989
you’ve been on Eveningat the Improv600 times.
318
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,625
Thanks, Bobby.
It’s great to be here!
319
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,795
Tommy, what is the deal
with these microphones?
320
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:57,530
I know.
Look how small it is.
321
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,266
What am I, Andre the Giant?
322
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,937
I know! Okay.
Here’s Barry Rice.
323
00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,773
Barry, what gives with the hair!
324
00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,842
I know what you’re thinking.
325
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:13,146
Somebody went to Supercuts
and fell asleep in the chair!
326
00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,581
Okay!
327
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,182
And here’s Billy Travis.
328
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,718
Billy, you’re appearing
at the Laugh Shack.
329
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,154
Hey, I can’t follow that.
330
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,256
Okay! Back to the game.
331
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,695
Billy, you still have control.
332
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,531
Okay, let’s do
"Chicken McNuggets" for 100.
333
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,800
"Chicken McNuggets" for 100.
334
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,404
"Could somebody
explain these things?"
( buzzer beeps )
335
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,674
Who are the ad wizards
who came up with this one?
336
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,075
( wrong answer stinger )
337
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,143
( buzzer beeps )
338
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,911
What I wanna know is,
339
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:48,515
what part of the chicken
does the McNugget come from?
340
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,817
( correct answer bell dings )
That is right!
341
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,687
We would have also accepted,
342
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,523
if it McComes
from where I McThink it does,
343
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:58,291
I don’t wanna McEat it!
344
00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,794
( laughter )
345
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:04,531
Let’s try "7-11 Employees"
for 100.
346
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:08,535
For 100, "Who are these people?"
347
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,437
( buzzer beeps )
348
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,807
Could somebody fill me in,
because I’d like to know!
349
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,141
( correct answer bell dings )
That’s right!
350
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:18,244
Let’s keep going for 200.
351
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,779
For 200, okay.
352
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,915
"And how about this beef jerky?
353
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,184
What kind of mystery meat
is this?"
354
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,585
( buzzer beeps )
355
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,655
It’s kind of saying, "Am I beef?
Am I jerky? Am I jerky?
356
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,291
Am I beef? Just what am I?"
( wrong answer stinger )
357
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,060
( buzzer beeps )
It’s kind of saying,
"Do you chew me?
358
00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:36,863
Am I a cigar?
Am I an actual food product?"
359
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,064
( wrong answer stinger )
360
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,265
( buzzer beeps )
361
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,868
Who are the ad wizards
who came up with this one?
362
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,604
( wrong answer stinger )
Sorry!
363
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:48,274
The correct answer is,
"Forget beef jerky.
364
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,076
What about these big gulps?
365
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:54,814
Could we possibly need
this much mountain dew?"
366
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,083
Billy, you still have control
of the board.
367
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,985
Back to "Cereals", for 200.
368
00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:00,787
"Cereals" for 200.
369
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:04,024
"Grape nuts, you open it up,
no grapes, no nuts!
370
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,191
What’s the deal?"
371
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,361
( laughter, applause )
372
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:12,198
( buzzer beeps )
I think it’s just an expression.
373
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,366
Oh.
374
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,603
( correct answer bell dings )
That’s correct!
375
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,505
Okay.
376
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,473
Give me "Gilligan’s Island,"
Bobby.
377
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,676
"Gilligan’s Island" for 100.
378
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,646
"A three-hour tour?
A three-hour tour?"
379
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,715
( buzzer beeps )
380
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:32,218
I know! Why do they have
all those clothes?
381
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,621
And what’s the deal
with the professor?
382
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,790
He can make a radio
out of a coconut,
383
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:40,260
but he can’t fix a hole
in the damn boat.
384
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:41,828
( applause )
385
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:45,231
I mean, hey!
386
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,835
And the Skipper and Gilligan,
what is the deal there?
387
00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:50,637
Why don’t they date Mary Ann?
388
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,139
I’m starting to wonder about
that little buddy stuff.
389
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,076
( correct answer bell dings )
Okay. Okay. That’s plenty.
390
00:17:56,076 --> 00:18:00,013
Well, it’s time now
for final Stand-up and Win.
391
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:03,650
And the final category
is, "Oprah."
392
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,485
( laughter )
393
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,388
And the final question is...
394
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,791
"Oprah, what is with her?"
395
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,661
Okay,
while you’re thinking it over,
396
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,330
Larry,
tell us what our winner gets.
397
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,033
Larry: He’ll get a year’s supplyof those things
398
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,035
that are at the endof your shoelaces.
399
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,670
What do you call those things?
400
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,939
They don’t have a name!
401
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,875
Okay, we’re back.
402
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:34,247
Once again, the final question
is, "Oprah, what is with her?"
403
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,149
And let’s see
what our players wrote.
404
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:37,283
First, Tommy.
405
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:40,353
"I know,
what gives with this woman?
406
00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,756
Is she hurting for guests,
or what?
407
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,659
I mean, how many times do I need
to see necrophiliac lesbians
408
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,728
who’ve been abused
by Elvis impersonators?
409
00:18:48,762 --> 00:18:52,699
I mean, please,
somebody help me out."
410
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,502
No, I’m sorry, that is wrong.
411
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,541
Okay, let’s see
what you’ve got here.
412
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,909
"What is the deal with Oprah?"
413
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,377
And the answer you have is,
414
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:08,181
"Who are the ad wizards
who came up with that one?"
415
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:11,551
Sorry, Barry, that is not right.
416
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,687
Hm, okay, Billy,
417
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,789
it is your chance
to win or lose.
418
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,757
The question,
"Oprah, what is with her?"
419
00:19:17,791 --> 00:19:20,360
Your answer is,
"She’s fat, she’s thin,
420
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,128
she’s fat, she’s thin.
421
00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,698
I mean, come on, pick a body
and go with it."
422
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,833
That is right!
423
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,035
You’re our grand prize winner
today.
424
00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:32,739
( correct answer bell dings )
Congratulations.
425
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:36,776
I mean, what is with Oprah?
I really wanna know.
426
00:19:36,810 --> 00:19:39,045
Well, we’ll talk about it later.
427
00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:40,246
But we’re out of time.
428
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,248
Thank you for coming
to Stand-up and Win.
429
00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,217
My name is Bobby Wheat!
Thanks!
430
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:45,352
You’ve been great!
431
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,321
( cheering and applause )
432
00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,731
This is not funny.
433
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,100
( school bell rings )
434
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:04,437
All right, let’s settle down,
settle down.
435
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,807
I’ve graded your tests,
and I have to say
436
00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:11,411
I am more than a little bit
disappointed.
437
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:16,282
In fact, I’ve decided
I’m gonna throw them all out.
438
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,417
All right!
439
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:21,187
Uh, I--I mean, oh, man.
440
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:24,290
I think I’ve been placing
too much emphasis on details.
441
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,092
What I wanna do now
is I want you to forget
442
00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:27,293
about memorizing dates.
443
00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:29,496
I want you to think history,
okay?
444
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,465
We’re just
gonna make each other think.
445
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:33,700
Okay?
446
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,069
Now is everybody with me
on this? All right, good.
447
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,204
Let’s talk
about the Battle of Britain
448
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,339
and the Lend-Lease Act.
449
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:43,009
How are these two events
linked in history?
450
00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,612
Anybody got any thoughts?
Sabrina.
451
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:49,716
So the test that you threw out,
that’s not gonna count?
452
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,651
No. No.
453
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,953
Everybody got that? All right.
454
00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:55,088
Now back
to the Battle of Britain
455
00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,456
and the Lend-Lease Act.
456
00:20:56,489 --> 00:21:00,593
Roosevelt said that America
must be the great arsenal
457
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,128
of democracy.
458
00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:03,430
Now what did he mean by that?
459
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,799
We must be the great arsenal.
What does he mean?
460
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,067
Randy?
461
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:11,237
Um, that we had to be, uh...
462
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,940
this big...arseno?
463
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:17,077
Arsenal, with an "L".
464
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,445
Oh, right.
465
00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:23,450
Um, that we needed to be, uh--
466
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:26,119
I’m not sure I understand
what you’re asking.
467
00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,455
Okay. Maybe that wasn’t
a fair question.
468
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:29,923
All right.
469
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:34,094
Now what country did Roosevelt
want to supply with weapons?
470
00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:35,261
Who can tell me? What country?
471
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,530
Remember, we’re talking
about the battle of...
472
00:21:37,564 --> 00:21:40,934
What? Who could tell me?
Lisa.
473
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:42,936
Uh, Britain?
474
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:46,339
Yes! Good. You see,
now we’re thinking history.
475
00:21:46,373 --> 00:21:48,675
Mr. Thompson?
I was about to say Britain?
476
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,277
That’s good.
477
00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:55,682
So Roosevelt wants to help
Britain in the war against who?
478
00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:58,718
Who is Britain at war with?
Who can tell me?
479
00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:00,954
Okay, let’s think now.
480
00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:05,225
What was happening in Europe
in the 1930s?
481
00:22:05,258 --> 00:22:07,227
- Darlene?
- Um, I thought you said
482
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,863
that we weren’t
gonna have to know dates?
483
00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:12,766
You’re right.
484
00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:13,900
Let me put it another way.
485
00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:17,070
In the decade
before World War II,
486
00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,339
what was happening in Europe?
487
00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:22,075
France?
488
00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:23,343
- France?
- Yeah.
489
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,779
Yeah. France.
But let’s think.
490
00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:29,783
What political group
was in Europe at the time?
491
00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,785
Um, the French?
492
00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:34,788
Yes.
493
00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,856
Mr. Thompson, the French
are still in Europe today.
494
00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:40,894
Yeah,
let’s just get off the French
495
00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,796
for a while, okay?
496
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:44,330
Okay, sure.
497
00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:46,599
No, I’m sorry. I was just,
Larry, making a point.
498
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,435
There are French people
in Europe,
499
00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:50,603
like Larry said, even today.
500
00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:55,542
You don’t have to write
that down!
501
00:22:55,575 --> 00:22:58,011
It’s not gonna be on a test.
502
00:22:58,111 --> 00:22:59,145
All right, let’s think about
503
00:22:59,179 --> 00:23:00,847
some of the other countries
in Europe.
504
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,049
Now name some of the other
countries in Europe
505
00:23:03,083 --> 00:23:04,184
besides France.
506
00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:08,788
Let’s look at the map up here.
507
00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:14,761
Okay.
Now where’s Europe on the map?
508
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:18,765
Anyone? Where’s Europe?
Is this Europe here?
509
00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:21,434
How many of you think
this is Europe? Right there.
510
00:23:21,468 --> 00:23:24,137
Show of hands
if you think this is Europe?
511
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:27,741
You’re right,
that is Europe.
512
00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:31,177
All right.
Good, good, good, good.
513
00:23:31,211 --> 00:23:34,981
Now what are some
of the countries in Europe?
514
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:36,182
- Spain?
- Uh-huh.
515
00:23:36,216 --> 00:23:38,651
Good. Anybody else?
516
00:23:38,685 --> 00:23:41,121
- Um, France?
- Yes.
517
00:23:41,154 --> 00:23:43,790
Can someone name another?
518
00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:45,725
Germany.
519
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:48,194
Yes! Germany!
Yes! Very good!
520
00:23:48,228 --> 00:23:51,264
- Let’s talk about Germany.
- Sweden?
521
00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:53,733
- Right. But let’s stick
with Germany for a second.
- Man: Egypt!
522
00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:56,870
Yeah. Let’s just go back
to Germany, All right?
523
00:23:56,903 --> 00:24:01,141
Now what political group
was in power in Germany
524
00:24:01,174 --> 00:24:02,475
at this time?
525
00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:06,546
Somebody wanna take this one?
526
00:24:06,579 --> 00:24:09,182
Larry? Randy?
527
00:24:09,215 --> 00:24:11,384
Who haven’t we heard from?
528
00:24:11,418 --> 00:24:15,121
How many of you
saw Raiders of the Lost Ark?
529
00:24:15,155 --> 00:24:17,657
( chuckles ) I have it on tape,
I could bring it in?
530
00:24:17,691 --> 00:24:19,693
No. No, but thank you.
531
00:24:19,726 --> 00:24:23,763
Now who in the movie
was Indiana Jones fighting
532
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:26,332
besides the snakes?
533
00:24:26,366 --> 00:24:28,101
( laughter )
534
00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:32,072
( applause )
535
00:24:32,105 --> 00:24:34,974
He was fighting the Na...
536
00:24:35,075 --> 00:24:37,277
Students: Na...
537
00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:38,578
The Na...
538
00:24:38,611 --> 00:24:41,848
The Na...azis.
539
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,149
Students: Nazis!
540
00:24:43,183 --> 00:24:45,418
Mr. Thompson, I’m sorry,
I was gonna say Nazis!
541
00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:46,886
Okay.
542
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,255
So what did the Nazis do?
543
00:24:49,289 --> 00:24:50,790
Let’s think!
544
00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:53,259
Oh, uh, they tried to steal
that lost ark
545
00:24:53,293 --> 00:24:56,096
and then all their faces melted
at the end.
546
00:24:56,096 --> 00:24:57,697
No.
547
00:24:57,731 --> 00:25:00,734
- Oh, uh,
they put up the Berlin Wall?
- Oh, that’s right!
548
00:25:00,767 --> 00:25:02,802
No, they didn’t put up
the Berlin Wall.
549
00:25:02,836 --> 00:25:04,504
- Yeah, yeah, they did.
- No, they didn’t.
550
00:25:04,537 --> 00:25:06,539
Uh, are you sure?
Because I think that they did.
551
00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:07,674
You’re thinking
of the communists!
552
00:25:07,707 --> 00:25:10,043
- That was 1961!
- Oh, yeah.
553
00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:12,712
Mr. Thompson,
I thought that you said
554
00:25:12,746 --> 00:25:15,081
that we weren’t gonna have
to know dates?
555
00:25:15,115 --> 00:25:16,616
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
556
00:25:16,649 --> 00:25:19,386
I forgot. All right.
557
00:25:19,419 --> 00:25:22,322
Now the Nazis were in power
in Germany.
558
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:26,159
So who was England at war with
559
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:28,328
during the Battle of Britain?
560
00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:29,963
And don’t say France.
561
00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:31,197
( laughter )
562
00:25:31,231 --> 00:25:35,268
Who can tell me?
Not France, but...
563
00:25:35,301 --> 00:25:36,436
Take a guess!
564
00:25:36,469 --> 00:25:38,071
- Germany?
- Yes!
565
00:25:38,071 --> 00:25:40,273
Germany? ’Cause I was about
to say Germany.
566
00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:43,410
- Yes.
- I’ve got a question.
567
00:25:43,443 --> 00:25:47,614
Uh, who came up with that name,
Europe?
568
00:25:50,984 --> 00:25:53,653
You know, let’s, uh--
I think we’ve done enough today.
569
00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:57,624
Let’s just, uh,
let’s read quietly.
570
00:25:57,657 --> 00:26:00,026
For the rest of the period,
just--yeah, just everybody,
571
00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,728
- read at your desks, everybody,
just for today.
- Mr. Thompson?
572
00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:03,697
- Yeah?
- We never did get to find out
573
00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:06,466
what that guy Roosevelt meant
by the Great Arsenio.
574
00:26:06,499 --> 00:26:08,034
It doesn’t matter.
575
00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:09,736
In fact, Doug,
why don’t you bring in your copy
576
00:26:09,769 --> 00:26:12,472
of Raidersof the Lost Arktomorrow?
577
00:26:12,505 --> 00:26:15,442
( cheering and applause )
578
00:26:22,682 --> 00:26:24,651
*
579
00:26:24,684 --> 00:26:27,721
Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.
580
00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:32,692
( cheering and applause )
581
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,668
Good evening,
I’m Kevin Nealon
582
00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:44,404
and I’m a member
of an all-white family.
583
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:45,538
( laughter )
584
00:26:45,572 --> 00:26:47,807
Ronald Reagan
escaped injury this week
585
00:26:47,841 --> 00:26:49,376
when a man rushed
to Las Vegas stage
586
00:26:49,409 --> 00:26:50,710
and smashed the glass statue
587
00:26:50,744 --> 00:26:52,579
the ex-president
had been presented with.
588
00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:53,913
The man
was said to be incoherent,
589
00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:55,815
babbling
and making no sense.
590
00:26:55,849 --> 00:26:57,283
There was no information yet
on the attacker
591
00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:58,418
who rushed the stage.
592
00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:02,088
( laughter )
593
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:04,124
Hoping to capitalize
on the biggest ongoing story
594
00:27:04,157 --> 00:27:05,258
out of Washington,
595
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:06,659
Ralston Purina
is adding a new cereal
596
00:27:06,693 --> 00:27:07,894
to its line of Wheat Chex,
597
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,364
Rice Chex and Corn Chex
called Congressional Chex.
598
00:27:11,398 --> 00:27:14,868
It’ll be the first cereal that
goes snap, crackle and bounce.
599
00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:17,037
( laughter )
600
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:19,239
With new ongoing allegations
concerning Jerry Brown,
601
00:27:19,272 --> 00:27:20,840
voters will have to choose
between a Democrat
602
00:27:20,874 --> 00:27:23,209
we think may have some done--
done some things
603
00:27:23,243 --> 00:27:25,712
on a Republican
we know hasn’t done anything
604
00:27:25,745 --> 00:27:27,047
or something like that.
605
00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:29,149
( laughter )
606
00:27:29,182 --> 00:27:31,051
President Bush and, uh--
607
00:27:31,084 --> 00:27:33,186
well, make that President
and Mrs. Bush’s income tax
608
00:27:33,219 --> 00:27:34,621
was revealed this week
and showed
609
00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:38,258
that the first lady
received $881,000 in royalties
610
00:27:38,291 --> 00:27:40,427
from her book about Millie,the White House Dog.
611
00:27:40,460 --> 00:27:42,062
After learning
how much money was involved,
612
00:27:42,062 --> 00:27:43,830
the president said
he was hard at work
613
00:27:43,863 --> 00:27:46,533
on his own new book,
Roy, the White House Hamster.
614
00:27:46,566 --> 00:27:48,735
( laughter )
615
00:27:48,768 --> 00:27:51,371
The last pieces
of the Dead Sea scrolls
616
00:27:51,404 --> 00:27:52,706
will finally be made public.
617
00:27:52,739 --> 00:27:54,574
Access was held up
because of the accumulation
618
00:27:54,607 --> 00:27:57,344
of bat dung
in caves near the Dead Sea.
619
00:27:57,377 --> 00:27:59,512
Batman has made
a public apology.
620
00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:01,247
( laughter )
621
00:28:01,281 --> 00:28:02,916
Scholars will soon release
the last fragments,
622
00:28:03,016 --> 00:28:04,851
and so far, according
to what we have of the scrolls,
623
00:28:04,884 --> 00:28:08,188
Moses bounced the most checks
with 998,
624
00:28:08,221 --> 00:28:11,658
next to Judas who had 983.
625
00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:16,029
( applause )
626
00:28:16,062 --> 00:28:17,797
A worker
at the National Weather Service
627
00:28:17,831 --> 00:28:20,100
went insane this week when
during a routine polling count,
628
00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:22,435
he lost track and had to start
all over from the beginning.
629
00:28:22,469 --> 00:28:24,437
( laughter )
630
00:28:26,339 --> 00:28:29,109
I don’t know if, uh,
if you like me,
631
00:28:29,142 --> 00:28:31,544
you’re 6’4", named Kevin.
632
00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:35,815
Commuters breathe
a sigh of relief, Thursday,
633
00:28:35,849 --> 00:28:38,785
as Chicago got its new rapid
transit system up and running.
634
00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:44,524
Scientists are now saying that
the Great Chicago Flood of 1992
635
00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:46,426
would not have been a problem
had it only happened
636
00:28:46,459 --> 00:28:48,695
during the Great Chicago Fire
of 1871.
637
00:28:48,728 --> 00:28:51,297
( laughter )
638
00:28:51,331 --> 00:28:53,433
In Afghanistan,
at noon on Tuesday,
639
00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:57,070
deposed President Najibullah
went into seclusion in Kabul
640
00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:58,972
ending his rule.
641
00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:01,741
While the rebel held hamlet
of cherry con,
642
00:29:01,775 --> 00:29:05,278
Ahmad Shah Massoud met with
foreign minister Abdul Wakil
643
00:29:05,311 --> 00:29:08,415
concerning the rival rebels
Hasabil Hassan Ali,
644
00:29:08,448 --> 00:29:11,618
Khadul Sharpip,
Abad Lidikazadandul,
645
00:29:11,651 --> 00:29:14,154
McDrop Darry De Mana.
646
00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:16,289
More on this story
as my tongue unfolds.
647
00:29:16,322 --> 00:29:17,390
( laughter )
648
00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:21,261
The Doolittle raiders
gathered in Colombia this week
649
00:29:21,294 --> 00:29:22,862
to commemorate
the 50th anniversary
650
00:29:22,896 --> 00:29:24,564
of their daring raid on Japan.
651
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:26,433
And on Capitol Hill,
preparations were being made
652
00:29:26,466 --> 00:29:27,734
to celebrate
the fourth anniversary
653
00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:29,703
of the Doolittle administration.
654
00:29:29,736 --> 00:29:31,338
( laughter )
655
00:29:31,371 --> 00:29:34,207
The Democrat campaign is focused
on Pennsylvania this week.
656
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,543
And now, a closer look
at this story.
657
00:29:36,576 --> 00:29:40,680
The Democrat campaign is focused
on Pennsylvania this week.
658
00:29:43,183 --> 00:29:45,285
Due to the FAA’s
new deicing rules,
659
00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:47,454
airlines will no longer be able
to serve drinks with ice
660
00:29:47,487 --> 00:29:49,189
within 30 minutes of takeoff.
661
00:29:49,222 --> 00:29:51,257
( laughter )
662
00:29:51,291 --> 00:29:52,659
And the Greyhound bus company
663
00:29:52,692 --> 00:29:54,828
announced that it will install
radar on all of its buses
664
00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:56,262
in order to prevent collisions.
665
00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,664
Many of the buses
will also be equipped
666
00:29:57,697 --> 00:30:00,834
with artillery guns
to blow away slow moving cars.
667
00:30:00,867 --> 00:30:02,335
( laughter )
668
00:30:02,369 --> 00:30:04,404
And now, recapping some of
this week’s names in the news,
669
00:30:04,437 --> 00:30:06,606
is special update correspondent
Opera Man.
670
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,041
Opera Man.
671
00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:12,212
* Good day to you, Kevin
Good day to you *
672
00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:15,181
*
673
00:31:46,339 --> 00:31:49,275
( cheering and applause )
674
00:32:02,055 --> 00:32:04,657
Grazie! Grazie!
675
00:32:04,691 --> 00:32:06,459
Grazie, Kevin!
676
00:32:06,493 --> 00:32:07,927
Grazie!
677
00:32:11,064 --> 00:32:13,566
Yes, Leona Helmsley
entered prison this week
678
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,769
to begin a four-year sentence
for tax evasion.
679
00:32:15,802 --> 00:32:17,504
Leona had her haircut
just before entering
680
00:32:17,537 --> 00:32:20,206
the Kentucky prison and now
says she’s ready to blend in
681
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:21,875
with the rest
of the prison population.
682
00:32:21,908 --> 00:32:24,844
( laughter )
683
00:32:27,414 --> 00:32:28,515
When Leona went to prison,
684
00:32:28,548 --> 00:32:29,783
her husband
turned off the lights
685
00:32:29,816 --> 00:32:30,950
on the Empire State Building.
686
00:32:30,984 --> 00:32:32,385
Harry said
he turned off the lights
687
00:32:32,419 --> 00:32:35,088
because he feared she might
be able to find her way back.
688
00:32:35,088 --> 00:32:37,390
( laughter, applause )
689
00:32:39,459 --> 00:32:42,662
We’re about to conduct a test of
the emergency broadcast system.
690
00:32:42,696 --> 00:32:45,098
This is only a test.
691
00:32:45,131 --> 00:32:48,101
( imitates tone test beeping )
692
00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:54,841
( beeping continues )
693
00:33:01,548 --> 00:33:02,916
If this had been
a real emergency,
694
00:33:02,949 --> 00:33:05,085
I would have yelled
and ran out of the studio...
695
00:33:05,118 --> 00:33:07,687
( laughter )
but this was just a test.
696
00:33:09,456 --> 00:33:10,657
This week,
after years of construction
697
00:33:10,690 --> 00:33:11,791
and millions of dollars,
698
00:33:11,825 --> 00:33:13,827
Euro Disney finally opened
outside Paris.
699
00:33:13,860 --> 00:33:15,628
As expected, the French
immediately held Goofy
700
00:33:15,662 --> 00:33:17,063
as a genius.
701
00:33:17,063 --> 00:33:19,232
( laughter )
702
00:33:21,301 --> 00:33:23,870
A poll in Oregon indicated
that close to two-thirds
703
00:33:23,903 --> 00:33:26,072
of all Oregon voters
favor saving logging jobs
704
00:33:26,106 --> 00:33:27,474
rather than preserving
the habitat
705
00:33:27,507 --> 00:33:28,875
of the endangered spotted owl.
706
00:33:28,908 --> 00:33:30,443
Meanwhile,
in a poll of spotted owls,
707
00:33:30,477 --> 00:33:32,612
93 percent
favored saving the habitat
708
00:33:32,645 --> 00:33:35,448
while the other 7 percent
just answered, "Hoot."
709
00:33:35,482 --> 00:33:37,550
( laughter )
710
00:33:37,584 --> 00:33:41,321
The Gay Games are scheduled
to come to New York in 1994.
711
00:33:41,354 --> 00:33:42,722
The games are the same
as the Olympics,
712
00:33:42,756 --> 00:33:45,892
except Greco-Roman wrestling
will be a team event.
713
00:33:45,925 --> 00:33:47,994
( laughter )
714
00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:50,330
Also, the biathlon
will be opened to biathletes,
715
00:33:50,363 --> 00:33:53,099
although the triathlon
is still against the law.
716
00:33:53,099 --> 00:33:56,102
( laughter )
717
00:33:56,136 --> 00:33:58,405
And finally, authorities
have located escaped murderer
718
00:33:58,438 --> 00:34:00,040
and ex-playboy bunny
Bambi Bembenek
719
00:34:00,073 --> 00:34:01,174
in Canada this week.
720
00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,308
They thought Bambi--
721
00:34:02,342 --> 00:34:03,743
They caught Bambi
after she was startled
722
00:34:03,777 --> 00:34:05,645
by some oncoming headlights.
723
00:34:05,679 --> 00:34:06,846
( laughter )
724
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,948
I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.
725
00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:11,951
( cheering and applause )
726
00:34:12,052 --> 00:34:14,921
*
727
00:34:20,427 --> 00:34:23,830
So, now we come to the portion
of the Seder,
728
00:34:23,863 --> 00:34:26,232
where we say the Elijah prayer.
729
00:34:26,266 --> 00:34:28,068
- When can we eat?
- Shut up!
730
00:34:28,068 --> 00:34:29,769
- But I’m hungry.
- You open your mouth again,
731
00:34:29,803 --> 00:34:31,604
I’m gonna pour that horseradish
down your throat.
732
00:34:31,638 --> 00:34:32,739
Oh, yeah, I’m shaking.
733
00:34:32,772 --> 00:34:34,074
Manny!
734
00:34:34,074 --> 00:34:36,810
I can’t believe this.
It’s Friday night.
735
00:34:36,843 --> 00:34:38,078
One Friday night
out of the year
736
00:34:38,111 --> 00:34:39,546
you could spend
with your family.
737
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:41,348
Yeah, why should we have
to suffer alone?
738
00:34:41,381 --> 00:34:42,482
Just shut up!
739
00:34:42,515 --> 00:34:44,284
Go ahead, pop.
740
00:34:44,317 --> 00:34:47,487
This is where we pour the wine
into the goblet
741
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,789
and open the door
so that Elijah
( knocks on door )
742
00:34:49,823 --> 00:34:52,225
- can come in
to drink the wine.
- I’ll get it.
743
00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:53,360
- I’ll do it.
- I’ll do it.
744
00:34:53,393 --> 00:34:54,494
( indistinct shouting )
745
00:34:54,527 --> 00:34:55,962
I’ll break your hand.
746
00:34:55,995 --> 00:34:57,897
What’s the difference?
It’s the same thing every year!
747
00:34:57,931 --> 00:35:00,934
You open the door, get scruffy,
and the soup gets cold.
748
00:35:01,034 --> 00:35:02,936
Somebody open the door!
749
00:35:03,036 --> 00:35:04,170
Just calm down, pop.
750
00:35:04,204 --> 00:35:05,705
All right, both you guys,
sit down.
751
00:35:05,739 --> 00:35:07,807
Get out of here.
I’ll get the door.
752
00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:13,713
Manny, what are you doing?
Open the door!
753
00:35:15,515 --> 00:35:17,050
Please, what the hell
are you doing here?
754
00:35:17,050 --> 00:35:19,619
You know how long
I’m standing out there?
755
00:35:19,652 --> 00:35:23,456
Pick up the phase people,
pick up the phase.
756
00:35:23,490 --> 00:35:25,158
( laughter )
757
00:35:25,191 --> 00:35:29,062
I wish Nike made a sandal
with a pump.
758
00:35:29,095 --> 00:35:30,196
Who the hell are you?
759
00:35:30,230 --> 00:35:32,298
Who the hell am I?
What are you, dense?
760
00:35:32,332 --> 00:35:34,067
I’ll give you a hint.
761
00:35:34,067 --> 00:35:35,502
What is this, man, a Shevat?
762
00:35:35,535 --> 00:35:39,172
How the hell do you drink
this well?
763
00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:42,108
- You mean you’re...
- That’s right.
764
00:35:42,142 --> 00:35:43,610
I’m Elijah the Prophet.
765
00:35:43,643 --> 00:35:47,080
You got a problem with that?
766
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,083
Complain to the big guy
upstairs.
767
00:35:50,083 --> 00:35:51,785
God!
Got anything decent to drink?
768
00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:55,655
I wouldn’t serve this pot
of water to the Philistines.
769
00:35:55,689 --> 00:35:57,791
Kid, go check the liquor cabinet
if you mind, huh,
770
00:35:57,824 --> 00:35:59,592
while I take a load off.
771
00:35:59,626 --> 00:36:02,829
Let me help you with that soup.
772
00:36:02,862 --> 00:36:05,298
Geez,
what is this a matzo ball?
773
00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:09,035
Are you gonna put a chain on it
and demolish a building?
774
00:36:09,035 --> 00:36:12,072
- What’s the matter,
you don’t like the soup?
- Like it?
775
00:36:12,105 --> 00:36:14,407
There’s more salt in this soup
than in the Dead Sea.
776
00:36:14,441 --> 00:36:18,078
Come on, lady,
some of us wanna live.
777
00:36:18,111 --> 00:36:20,180
What happen? Did lots of white
fall in the pot?
778
00:36:20,213 --> 00:36:22,349
Why don’t we call up
for a pizza?
779
00:36:22,382 --> 00:36:25,485
Come on, bring me a menu.
780
00:36:25,518 --> 00:36:27,454
But pizza’s made
with leavened bread.
781
00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:28,588
I thought during Passover,
782
00:36:28,621 --> 00:36:29,856
we weren’t supposed
to eat leavened bread?
783
00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,891
Let me tell you something, kid.
784
00:36:31,925 --> 00:36:33,960
If there’s one thing
you should learn about Passover,
785
00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:36,596
don’t mess
with Elijah the Prophet.
786
00:36:36,629 --> 00:36:38,798
Cheer up, grandpa.
787
00:36:38,832 --> 00:36:41,801
I’ll tell you a little secret.
788
00:36:41,835 --> 00:36:44,804
September 24th, in your sleep.
789
00:36:44,838 --> 00:36:49,175
( cheering )
790
00:36:49,209 --> 00:36:50,777
Hey, what’s your name?
791
00:36:50,810 --> 00:36:54,114
- Lisa.
- Lisa, that’s a nice name.
792
00:36:54,147 --> 00:36:56,750
I’m Elijah the Prophet.
How are you doing?
793
00:36:56,783 --> 00:36:57,884
Fine.
794
00:36:57,917 --> 00:36:59,285
Hey, if you got a little kosher
795
00:36:59,319 --> 00:37:01,187
for Passover
sticking around your tush,
796
00:37:01,221 --> 00:37:03,723
I got a little Passover present
for you.
797
00:37:03,757 --> 00:37:05,058
No, thanks!
798
00:37:05,091 --> 00:37:07,394
Yeah? How would you like
to come on the road with Elijah?
799
00:37:07,427 --> 00:37:11,031
Door to door, drinking wine.
It’s a nonstop party. Come on.
800
00:37:11,031 --> 00:37:12,265
We’ll play hide
the [INAUDIBLE],
801
00:37:12,298 --> 00:37:14,534
only I promise,
you’ll find it.
802
00:37:14,567 --> 00:37:16,803
( laughter, applause )
803
00:37:16,836 --> 00:37:18,038
You’re gross!
804
00:37:18,038 --> 00:37:20,640
Oh, come on, baby,
I’m Elijah the Prophet.
805
00:37:20,674 --> 00:37:25,378
I was swinging with Queen Esther
before you were born, okay?
806
00:37:25,412 --> 00:37:28,081
Wait, wait. Where you going?
Let me pop the four questions.
807
00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:31,184
- Number one, are you a virgin?
- Yes.
808
00:37:31,217 --> 00:37:33,253
Well, then forget
the other three questions.
809
00:37:33,286 --> 00:37:34,454
( laughter )
810
00:37:34,487 --> 00:37:36,256
( applause )
811
00:37:36,289 --> 00:37:39,559
Hey, mom, your daughter just
blow off Elijah the Prophet.
812
00:37:39,592 --> 00:37:41,361
I’m not gonna--
That’s not gonna sit too well
813
00:37:41,394 --> 00:37:44,064
on the Book of Judgment,
if you know what I mean.
814
00:37:44,064 --> 00:37:47,600
Op. Oh, look at what he did.
815
00:37:47,634 --> 00:37:49,235
I didn’t do it.
I didn’t do it.
816
00:37:49,269 --> 00:37:50,804
Oh, Dad,
who are you gonna believe?
817
00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:54,474
Your little pimple-faced kid
or Elijah the Prophet, huh?
818
00:37:54,507 --> 00:37:58,078
What are you doing here?
Why did you choose us?
819
00:37:58,111 --> 00:38:00,046
Do you mind, didn’t I?
Yeah, it’s like jury duty.
820
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,482
Everybody gets chosen
eventually.
821
00:38:02,515 --> 00:38:04,451
Quite frankly,
it’s a pain in the rear end.
822
00:38:04,484 --> 00:38:06,019
You should’ve been around
in the old days.
823
00:38:06,019 --> 00:38:09,656
Me and the boys running around
spraying blood on people’s doors
824
00:38:09,689 --> 00:38:11,891
so God wouldn’t whack
the first born.
825
00:38:11,925 --> 00:38:13,793
That’s a Seder.
826
00:38:13,827 --> 00:38:15,128
This is lame-o.
827
00:38:17,063 --> 00:38:19,499
Are you staying for dinner?
Should we set a plate?
828
00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:21,468
Darling, if that soup
is any indication,
829
00:38:21,501 --> 00:38:24,337
I’ll be picking up something
at McDonalds.
830
00:38:24,371 --> 00:38:27,874
All right, I thought Elijah
came in times of trouble
831
00:38:27,907 --> 00:38:30,143
to lift our spirits
and give us hope.
832
00:38:30,176 --> 00:38:32,946
I thought the appearance
of Elijah
833
00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:35,315
will precede the arrival
of the messiah,
834
00:38:35,348 --> 00:38:37,517
and with it, peace on Earth.
835
00:38:37,550 --> 00:38:38,918
( doorbell dings )
836
00:38:38,952 --> 00:38:41,721
Here he is now, right on time.
837
00:38:45,258 --> 00:38:47,394
- Hey!
- Hey!
838
00:38:47,427 --> 00:38:49,529
How are you doing?
839
00:38:49,562 --> 00:38:52,065
Where’s the wine?
840
00:38:52,065 --> 00:38:55,068
( cheering and applause )
841
00:38:59,806 --> 00:39:01,274
Hey, Dan, how’s that coming?
842
00:39:01,307 --> 00:39:03,109
Oh, pretty good, it’s, uh--
843
00:39:03,143 --> 00:39:04,844
Is that the third quarter report
you’re looking at?
844
00:39:04,878 --> 00:39:07,113
Yeah.
Take a look at these numbers.
845
00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:08,581
Okay.
846
00:39:10,784 --> 00:39:12,252
Here’s what I’m concerned about.
847
00:39:12,285 --> 00:39:14,020
Yeah. That’s probably left over
from the, uh--
848
00:39:14,054 --> 00:39:15,221
( fax machine beeps )
849
00:39:15,255 --> 00:39:16,456
That’s the fax.
I’ll get it.
850
00:39:24,931 --> 00:39:26,433
Hey, everybody.
851
00:39:26,466 --> 00:39:27,867
- Hey, Ed.
- Ed.
852
00:39:27,901 --> 00:39:29,602
What’s the good word?
853
00:39:29,636 --> 00:39:31,171
Oh, just a couple
of discrepancies
854
00:39:31,204 --> 00:39:32,672
on the third quarter report.
855
00:39:32,706 --> 00:39:34,407
Oh, don’t sweat it, Dan.
856
00:39:34,441 --> 00:39:37,077
I checked it out
against yesterday’s draft.
857
00:39:37,110 --> 00:39:41,481
That’s just a clerical.
No problem.
858
00:39:41,514 --> 00:39:45,352
Hey, Ed, I left those blueprints
on your desk.
859
00:39:45,385 --> 00:39:47,053
- Could you look at them?
- Sure, Dave.
860
00:39:47,053 --> 00:39:48,855
Just give me a minute.
861
00:39:50,724 --> 00:39:53,159
Excuse me, uh, could you tell me
where the, uh--
862
00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:54,694
It’s down the hall,
second door on your left.
863
00:39:54,728 --> 00:39:55,862
Thanks a lot.
864
00:39:55,895 --> 00:39:59,733
( laughter, applause )
865
00:39:59,766 --> 00:40:01,468
- Hey, guys!
- Hey, Suzanne!
866
00:40:01,501 --> 00:40:02,602
- Suzanne!
- How are you?
867
00:40:02,635 --> 00:40:06,239
- Ed: Hi, Suzanne.
- Hi.
868
00:40:06,272 --> 00:40:08,174
Ed,
I’m worried about Suzanne.
869
00:40:08,208 --> 00:40:09,409
I don’t think
she’s working out.
870
00:40:09,442 --> 00:40:12,212
I know. She, uh--
871
00:40:12,245 --> 00:40:13,847
Walk with me.
872
00:40:18,385 --> 00:40:19,552
I don’t know what it is.
873
00:40:19,586 --> 00:40:21,654
She just doesn’t seem
to be fitting in.
874
00:40:21,688 --> 00:40:23,656
Yeah.
875
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:25,325
Well, maybe we’re not making
an effort.
876
00:40:25,358 --> 00:40:28,194
- I think it’s her.
- Hey, wait. Take a look.
877
00:40:28,228 --> 00:40:30,697
- Hey!
- Hey!
878
00:40:30,730 --> 00:40:32,198
Hey, guys!
879
00:40:32,232 --> 00:40:34,100
- Oh.
- Oh.
880
00:40:34,134 --> 00:40:36,670
Hey, how’s the third quarter
report coming?
881
00:40:36,703 --> 00:40:38,038
- Great!
- Great.
882
00:40:38,071 --> 00:40:40,140
You wanna take a look at it?
883
00:40:40,173 --> 00:40:41,541
- Sure!
- Hey, Suzanne,
884
00:40:41,574 --> 00:40:43,777
we’re having a company
softball game this weekend.
885
00:40:43,810 --> 00:40:45,111
Would you like to join us?
886
00:40:45,145 --> 00:40:46,279
Yeah, I’d love to.
887
00:40:46,312 --> 00:40:48,081
Holy smokes!
Here comes the boss!
888
00:40:48,114 --> 00:40:49,382
Oh, no.
889
00:40:55,955 --> 00:40:57,390
- Hi, everyone.
- Hi, boss.
890
00:40:57,424 --> 00:40:58,992
- Hey, boss!
- How you doing?
891
00:40:59,025 --> 00:41:01,628
- I’m glad
to see everybody busy.
- Yes, sir.
892
00:41:01,661 --> 00:41:04,397
Jenkins, is your outline ready
for tomorrow’s presentation?
893
00:41:04,431 --> 00:41:05,865
Uh, right here, sir.
894
00:41:08,335 --> 00:41:12,072
Hm. Oh, yes.
895
00:41:12,072 --> 00:41:14,674
Yes, this should be
very interesting.
896
00:41:16,743 --> 00:41:18,611
( laughter )
897
00:41:18,645 --> 00:41:21,081
He’s a tough customer.
898
00:41:21,081 --> 00:41:24,150
Yeah, but it’s great
to watch him work.
899
00:41:24,184 --> 00:41:27,120
( cheering and applause )
900
00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:33,293
*
901
00:41:33,326 --> 00:41:35,095
Announcer:
Live from the Marcy project,
902
00:41:35,128 --> 00:41:38,398
it’sI’m Chillin’.
903
00:41:49,609 --> 00:41:50,710
Yo, what’s up? What’s up?
904
00:41:50,744 --> 00:41:52,112
Welcome to I’m chillin’,
905
00:41:52,112 --> 00:41:55,949
the pro-pro-program
for the ho-ho-hogram.
906
00:41:55,982 --> 00:41:59,386
I’m your host, Onski, to the
highest degree, to the T-O-P.
907
00:41:59,419 --> 00:42:01,287
Yo, it’s all about money.
908
00:42:01,321 --> 00:42:05,258
And sitting by my side
is my main man, my Toucan Sam,
909
00:42:05,291 --> 00:42:08,061
my ace pontoon,
my brand-new toon,
910
00:42:08,061 --> 00:42:10,697
my Vidal Sassoon,
my Looney toon,
911
00:42:10,730 --> 00:42:14,634
my Daniel Boone,
my ancient rune, my big balloon,
912
00:42:14,668 --> 00:42:17,370
my wrinkled prune,
my golden bloom,
913
00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:19,773
my cat in the cradle
in the a silver spoon,
914
00:42:19,806 --> 00:42:22,609
little boy blue
and the man on a mason!
915
00:42:22,642 --> 00:42:25,478
It’s B-Fats!
Yo, B, tell them how you feel.
916
00:42:25,512 --> 00:42:26,613
Yo!
917
00:42:26,646 --> 00:42:29,582
( cheering and applause )
918
00:42:29,616 --> 00:42:31,985
Yo, I’m making more dough
than Charley Channing,
919
00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:35,121
clocking more host
than Ed McMahon.
920
00:42:35,155 --> 00:42:36,790
Yo, I hear that. I hear that.
921
00:42:36,823 --> 00:42:38,324
Now before I start the show,
922
00:42:38,358 --> 00:42:40,660
I wanna say what’s up to
our new sponsor. That’s right.
923
00:42:40,694 --> 00:42:43,596
I wanna say what’s up
to Bullet Hole Tampons.
924
00:42:43,630 --> 00:42:44,731
That’s right.
925
00:42:44,764 --> 00:42:46,132
Bullet Hole Tampons,
926
00:42:46,166 --> 00:42:48,335
’cause sometimes
you’ll bleed in other places.
927
00:42:48,368 --> 00:42:49,803
You know what I’m saying?
928
00:42:51,838 --> 00:42:55,241
Yo, Onski,
did you see the Oscars on TV?
929
00:42:55,275 --> 00:42:57,477
Well, what’s up
with that Silence of the Lambs
930
00:42:57,510 --> 00:42:58,945
winning everything?
931
00:42:58,978 --> 00:43:01,648
I mean, it was okay
but it was no Jaws!
932
00:43:01,681 --> 00:43:05,051
Yeah, man, you know , Jaws
was all that in a Fotomat,
man.
933
00:43:05,085 --> 00:43:06,186
I mean, Jawshad it all.
934
00:43:06,219 --> 00:43:09,222
They had murder, violence,
killing, stealing.
935
00:43:09,255 --> 00:43:12,559
And that was just
in the lobby, man!
936
00:43:12,592 --> 00:43:14,894
You know, man,
you’re funnier than Sinbad.
937
00:43:14,928 --> 00:43:16,262
But check this out.
938
00:43:16,296 --> 00:43:19,265
Silence of the Lambs
wasn’t totally whacked.
939
00:43:19,299 --> 00:43:22,702
I mean, my man was cold,
eating people.
940
00:43:22,736 --> 00:43:24,137
Yeah, man.
You know, that bugged me up.
941
00:43:24,170 --> 00:43:26,539
Man, I mean, what’s
the proper way to eat people?
942
00:43:26,573 --> 00:43:28,641
I mean, dude, when you’re eating
a finger, man,
943
00:43:28,675 --> 00:43:30,744
do you use a fork
or do you use your hands?
944
00:43:30,777 --> 00:43:32,846
I mean, what do you do
with the blood, man?
945
00:43:32,879 --> 00:43:34,180
I mean, do you use a spoon
946
00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:36,182
or do you slap it up
with a biscuit, man?
947
00:43:36,216 --> 00:43:37,450
What’s up with that, man
948
00:43:37,484 --> 00:43:39,285
Yo, later, Bizee.
It’s about that time.
949
00:43:39,319 --> 00:43:41,454
- Time to bust a rhyme?
- No, B.
950
00:43:41,488 --> 00:43:43,890
- Time to change my line?
- No, B!
951
00:43:43,923 --> 00:43:45,992
It’s time for the Mother Joke
of the Day.
952
00:43:46,092 --> 00:43:49,929
Yo, today’s Mother Joke
was sent to us by Mei-Mei Brown
953
00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:51,431
at the Red Hook Projects.
954
00:43:51,464 --> 00:43:53,500
Mei-Mei just moved
in the new building
955
00:43:53,533 --> 00:43:55,301
with a urine-free elevator.
956
00:43:55,335 --> 00:43:57,303
Yo, congratulations, Mei-Mei.
957
00:43:57,337 --> 00:43:59,639
And it goes a little something
like this.
958
00:43:59,673 --> 00:44:01,274
"Your mother’s glasses
are so thick,
959
00:44:01,307 --> 00:44:04,444
when she looks at a map,
she could see people waving."
960
00:44:04,477 --> 00:44:07,781
Yo, Don Pardo,
tell her what she wins!
961
00:44:07,814 --> 00:44:09,549
Don Pardo: You win an "O" hat.
962
00:44:09,582 --> 00:44:11,184
That’s right, "O" hat.
963
00:44:11,217 --> 00:44:14,354
Be the only person on the blockwithout an "X" hat.
964
00:44:14,387 --> 00:44:17,223
Play tic-tac-toewith your friends.
965
00:44:17,257 --> 00:44:19,459
Yo, yo, yo, yo!
966
00:44:19,492 --> 00:44:22,362
Right now, we’re gonna catch
a new video from ECE.
967
00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:25,365
It’s a love song.
It’s called "Help, Don’t Yell."
968
00:44:25,398 --> 00:44:26,599
( alarm beeps )
969
00:44:26,633 --> 00:44:28,468
Oh, man, yo, we got
to check that out next week.
970
00:44:28,501 --> 00:44:30,236
Right now, I got to go
pick up my baby’s mother
971
00:44:30,270 --> 00:44:33,073
from her G-E-D class
and get home real quick
972
00:44:33,073 --> 00:44:35,208
so I can catch
the Def Comedy Jam.
973
00:44:35,241 --> 00:44:37,344
Remember, always wipe
and stay off the pipe.
974
00:44:37,377 --> 00:44:40,347
And if a sucker gets ill,
tell them, "I’m chilling."
975
00:44:40,380 --> 00:44:42,148
*
976
00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:45,118
( cheering and applause )
977
00:44:49,155 --> 00:44:51,091
Announcer:
So astonishingly affordable.
978
00:44:51,091 --> 00:44:54,561
For a free brochure, see yourtravel agent or call right now.
979
00:44:54,594 --> 00:44:57,997
In Metropolis,the number is 555-3900.
980
00:44:58,098 --> 00:45:00,667
That’s 555-3900.
981
00:45:00,700 --> 00:45:02,168
*
982
00:45:02,202 --> 00:45:05,805
Live from Metropolis,this isThe Lenny Wise Show.
983
00:45:05,839 --> 00:45:10,710
Here once again, the hostof our program, Lenny Wise.
984
00:45:10,744 --> 00:45:13,179
What’s your biggest regret?
Or, uh--
985
00:45:13,213 --> 00:45:15,148
Let me put it another way,
if you had one wish,
986
00:45:15,181 --> 00:45:16,716
- what would it be?
- Hmm.
987
00:45:16,750 --> 00:45:18,118
I’d like to go back to Krypton.
988
00:45:18,151 --> 00:45:20,053
To go back to Krypton,
that’s what where like to go.
989
00:45:20,086 --> 00:45:22,856
I like to see what it was like
before it blew up.
990
00:45:22,889 --> 00:45:24,824
Your father
was a brilliant man.
991
00:45:24,858 --> 00:45:27,193
I’m talking about
your real father, Jor-El.
992
00:45:27,227 --> 00:45:29,129
Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s
greatest scientist.
993
00:45:29,162 --> 00:45:31,431
But the sad thing was,
they didn’t listen to him.
994
00:45:31,464 --> 00:45:34,367
- Did your mother work?
- I don’t know. Maybe.
995
00:45:34,401 --> 00:45:35,802
Before I was born,
I don’t know.
996
00:45:35,835 --> 00:45:37,804
Because, you know, don’t forget,
I was still a baby
997
00:45:37,837 --> 00:45:39,506
when the whole planet blew up.
998
00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,375
Our guest is Superman.
The lines are open.
999
00:45:42,409 --> 00:45:45,779
When you get up in the morning,
do you think about kryptonite?
1000
00:45:45,812 --> 00:45:47,414
Is it something
that’s on your mind?
1001
00:45:47,447 --> 00:45:48,782
I mean, do you say, "Uh-oh!
1002
00:45:48,815 --> 00:45:50,583
I hope I don’t run across
some kryptonite today."
1003
00:45:50,617 --> 00:45:52,085
Not really. No.
1004
00:45:52,085 --> 00:45:53,620
I--I don’t think
you can live your life
1005
00:45:53,653 --> 00:45:54,754
worried about kryptonite.
1006
00:45:54,788 --> 00:45:56,523
You know, I just try
and go about my business,
1007
00:45:56,556 --> 00:45:58,124
and I don’t think about it.
1008
00:45:58,158 --> 00:46:01,327
How much kryptonite
do you think is out there?
1009
00:46:01,361 --> 00:46:03,830
- I have no idea.
- No idea?
1010
00:46:03,863 --> 00:46:05,532
No. I mean,
it could be anything.
1011
00:46:05,565 --> 00:46:07,467
Does it make you uncomfortable
discussing kryptonite?
1012
00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:08,935
No, not really.
1013
00:46:09,035 --> 00:46:11,171
But like I said, it’s just
something I can’t control,
1014
00:46:11,204 --> 00:46:13,373
so why worry about it?
1015
00:46:13,406 --> 00:46:15,709
Does it bother you
that you can’t see through lead?
1016
00:46:15,742 --> 00:46:18,044
It did at the beginning, yeah.
1017
00:46:18,044 --> 00:46:19,679
I remember the first time
that it happened.
1018
00:46:19,713 --> 00:46:22,916
I said, "Hey, what the heck
is going on here?"
1019
00:46:22,949 --> 00:46:25,051
But you know, eventually,
I got used to it.
1020
00:46:25,051 --> 00:46:27,153
You stopped aging when?
1021
00:46:27,187 --> 00:46:28,555
When I was 30.
1022
00:46:28,588 --> 00:46:30,256
Because, if you were born
on this planet,
1023
00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:32,158
you would be, what,
in your 50s now, no?
1024
00:46:32,192 --> 00:46:33,793
Yeah. That’s just about right.
1025
00:46:33,827 --> 00:46:36,896
Let’s take a call!
Okay, Smallville, Indiana.
1026
00:46:36,930 --> 00:46:38,631
Al: Hello, Superman?
1027
00:46:38,665 --> 00:46:40,066
Yes, hello, sir.
1028
00:46:40,066 --> 00:46:42,669
Superman?This is--This is Al McKay.
1029
00:46:42,702 --> 00:46:44,170
Remember?
1030
00:46:44,204 --> 00:46:46,940
I--I used to live three housesdown from Lex Luthor?
1031
00:46:46,973 --> 00:46:48,608
On Pine Street?
1032
00:46:48,641 --> 00:46:50,610
Oh, yes. Yes.
How are you, Mr. McKay?
1033
00:46:50,643 --> 00:46:51,745
What’s your question?
1034
00:46:51,778 --> 00:46:54,581
Just wanted to say hello.
1035
00:46:54,614 --> 00:46:58,251
- You knew Lex Luthor
in Smallville, right?
- Yes, that’s right, Len.
1036
00:46:58,284 --> 00:47:00,020
And the two of you
used to be good friends.
1037
00:47:00,020 --> 00:47:01,388
- Right.
- What happened?
1038
00:47:01,421 --> 00:47:03,156
Well, this one day,
I flew over his house,
1039
00:47:03,189 --> 00:47:05,258
and I accidentally set his lab
on fire,
1040
00:47:05,291 --> 00:47:06,726
and that’s how he became bald.
1041
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,062
And I’m afraid he’s had it
in for me ever since.
1042
00:47:09,095 --> 00:47:10,697
Did you ever sit down
with the guy and say,
1043
00:47:10,730 --> 00:47:12,532
"Hey, Lex, come on,
it was an accident!"
1044
00:47:12,565 --> 00:47:14,367
Oh, sure.
1045
00:47:14,401 --> 00:47:15,935
- No dice?
- No.
1046
00:47:16,036 --> 00:47:18,938
He’s a pretty strange fellow.
1047
00:47:19,039 --> 00:47:20,807
What do you do for fun?
How do you relax?
1048
00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,109
I like to play scrabble.
1049
00:47:25,178 --> 00:47:27,147
Do you play in costume,
or in your secret identity?
1050
00:47:27,180 --> 00:47:29,049
Oh, yeah, in the costume.
1051
00:47:29,082 --> 00:47:32,686
Well, it must be pretty daunting
to be sitting across from you
1052
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:34,187
while you’re in your costume.
1053
00:47:34,220 --> 00:47:35,388
Well, not really, Len.
1054
00:47:35,422 --> 00:47:36,623
You still got to get
the letters.
1055
00:47:36,656 --> 00:47:38,758
I mean,
if I’m picking vowels all game,
1056
00:47:38,792 --> 00:47:41,361
costume or not,
I’m not gonna win!
1057
00:47:41,394 --> 00:47:43,430
You mean you’ve lost
at scrabble?
1058
00:47:43,463 --> 00:47:45,732
Oh, sure. Many times.
1059
00:47:45,765 --> 00:47:48,802
Okay, let’s take another call!
Hello, Metropolis.
1060
00:47:48,835 --> 00:47:50,437
Woman: Yes, Superman?
1061
00:47:50,470 --> 00:47:52,906
I’d like to know why, duringthe garbage strike last year,
1062
00:47:52,939 --> 00:47:55,675
you sat around for two weeksdoing nothing
1063
00:47:55,709 --> 00:47:58,345
while Metropolissmelled like a pigsty!
1064
00:47:58,378 --> 00:47:59,713
Well, ma’am,
I just didn’t feel
1065
00:47:59,746 --> 00:48:01,715
like picking up
all that garbage.
1066
00:48:01,748 --> 00:48:05,518
Oh, you didn’t feel like it?Well, where do you come off?
1067
00:48:05,552 --> 00:48:07,053
Oh, like I don’t do enough?
1068
00:48:07,087 --> 00:48:09,022
The whole thing would havetaken you 10 minutes!
1069
00:48:09,055 --> 00:48:11,858
- First of all,
nothing takes 10 minutes.
- Oh, come on!
1070
00:48:11,891 --> 00:48:13,793
You could have fusedthe garbage into a big ball
1071
00:48:13,827 --> 00:48:15,428
and hurled it out into space!
1072
00:48:15,462 --> 00:48:16,863
Yeah, fine! Yeah, you know!
1073
00:48:16,896 --> 00:48:19,332
Superman, what a joke!
1074
00:48:19,366 --> 00:48:20,934
Why don’t you just go--
( bleeps )
1075
00:48:21,034 --> 00:48:22,902
( laughs )
1076
00:48:22,936 --> 00:48:24,671
Uh, she’s obviously
pretty upset.
1077
00:48:24,704 --> 00:48:27,073
And I have to say, Superman,
a lot of people were upset
1078
00:48:27,107 --> 00:48:29,676
- about that garbage situation.
- Well, I’m sorry, Len.
1079
00:48:29,709 --> 00:48:32,178
I’m just not going around
picking up everybody’s garbage.
1080
00:48:32,212 --> 00:48:35,048
I mean, I do what I can,
but I’m not a garbage man.
1081
00:48:35,081 --> 00:48:36,616
That’s where I draw the line.
1082
00:48:36,649 --> 00:48:38,785
( chuckles ) Okay.
No argument here.
1083
00:48:38,818 --> 00:48:43,056
You know, there’s a rumor that
Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.
1084
00:48:45,091 --> 00:48:46,593
Yeah, I’ve heard that.
1085
00:48:46,626 --> 00:48:48,762
Okay, if I came across a piece
of kryptonite,
1086
00:48:48,795 --> 00:48:50,063
how much do you think
it would be worth?
1087
00:48:50,063 --> 00:48:52,198
Can you give me a break
with the kryptonite?
1088
00:48:52,232 --> 00:48:55,135
Well, it looks like
we’re just about out of time.
1089
00:48:55,168 --> 00:48:59,072
- I’d like to thank my guest,
Superman, for being with us.
- Yeah, it’s a pleasure.
1090
00:48:59,105 --> 00:49:02,108
Before you go, any chance of
telling us your secret identity?
1091
00:49:02,142 --> 00:49:03,643
Sure, I’m...
( whispers )
1092
00:49:03,677 --> 00:49:04,878
Wha--What was that?
1093
00:49:04,911 --> 00:49:07,180
( chuckles )
Seriously, come back again.
1094
00:49:07,213 --> 00:49:09,549
Tomorrow night,
Michael Fenwick,
1095
00:49:09,582 --> 00:49:12,018
currently starring
in A Horrible Coincidence.
1096
00:49:12,052 --> 00:49:13,520
Good night, everybody.
1097
00:49:13,553 --> 00:49:16,489
( cheering and applause )
1098
00:49:22,495 --> 00:49:25,432
*
1099
00:49:29,302 --> 00:49:32,339
Hey, I wanna thank Annie Lennox
for being here.
1100
00:49:32,372 --> 00:49:35,608
( cheering and applause )
1101
00:49:35,642 --> 00:49:38,945
All these
unbelievable comedy people.
1102
00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:43,717
I wanna thank Superman
for making a special appearance.
1103
00:49:43,750 --> 00:49:47,454
Lorne Michaels, everybody,
the writers,
1104
00:49:47,487 --> 00:49:50,557
thank you very much.
1105
00:49:50,590 --> 00:49:53,526
*
84121
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