Original subtitles

Gov. Brown, Gov. Clinton, we’ll be ready for you

- in five minutes. - Thank you, Susan. Appreciate it.

You have a preference?

Excuse me?

You have a preference? Right podium or left podium?

Well, either one’s fine, Bill,

because it’s not important which podium.

I mean, what is important is returning power

to the people of this country

and it’s about uprooting the entrenched corporate elite

who, uh, who, uh, for so long perverted the political system

into serving their needs instead of addressing the needs

of the common man.

And on second thought, Bill,

I’m gonna go with the right podium

’cause I think it’s important, if that’s okay with you?

No problem, Jerry.

Listen, I just want you to know that I think you got a rod deal

with that marijuana party thing in California

- and I’m not gonna bring it up. - I appreciate that, Bill.

Man, I don’t think either of us is being served by drugstores

at this point in the race.

I mean, it hurts the process and it hurts the party.

Well, I agree. I agree, Bill.

And it would be like bringing up old nicknames

that really weren’t fair

and I know that you’re not interested

in referring to me as the Governor Moonbeam

or Spaceman Jerry or Governor Spaceman

or Captain Weirdo.

Well, exactly.

The last thing America wants to dwell on

is something that happened years ago,

like who registered for what draft

and how they got out of it,

or when they finally did go to Vietnam,

what side they may have fought on.

I mean, that’s ancient history

and I know you don’t have any interest in it.

Well, none whatsoever, Bill,

and I assume that you agree that the voting public

has no interest in hearing about a couple of SNMK group parties

at the governor’s mansion in California.

Some of which were attended by Jim Jones

and a few hundred of his followers.

Goes without saying.

And similarly, it’d be a waste of America’s time

arguing whether I did or did not start a few forced fires

and then bragged about them to women to gain sexual favors.

’Cause, you know, it has no bearing on America

not being as competitive as it could be.

I crashed the Exxon Valdez.

( laughter )

I thought we could save a few minutes if we cut by that reef

and I clearly was wrong and I admitted it

and we don’t need to bring it up.

Ishtar was my idea.

I said don’t worry about the script,

just put Beatty and Hoffman out there in the desert,

put a serape on them, something funny will happen.

Trust me. That’s what I said.

Mum’s the word, Bill.

And do you mind, if I mention that you belong

to an all-white country club.

That’s all right. That’s gonna come out anyway.

You wanna swap wives?

Oh, I’m not married, Bill.

Do you have anything you wanna swap?

( laughter )

Well, not really.

You know, uh, maybe you shouldn’t mention

that I just brought up wives swapping, you know.

There’s no need to, Bill,

because it has nothing to do with the fact

that America has lost its competitive edge,

and I just wanna know are you gonna bring up the fact

that here we are live from New York

and it’s Saturday Night.

No, I won’t bring it up if you don’t.

I’ll bring it up.

Tsongas! Tsongas!

Live from New York...

it’s Saturday Night.

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Al Franken...

Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Annie Lennox...

and starring Jerry Seinfeld.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

That’s exactly the way I feel. Exactly.

I’m very happy to be in New York.

It’s my favorite place in the world to be.

I love everything about New York.

I live here. I am New York.

LaGuardia is my favorite airport in the world

because I like my runways as short as they can get.

And I also enjoy that nice body of water right past the edge

of the runway.

That’s a nice touch, isn’t it?

I think they’re thinking of putting some piranha in there.

It’s the--really the only way we can improve the takeoff area.

LaGuardia, of course, as you know,

named after the ex-mayor of New York,

Fiorello H. LaGuardia.

And I’m sure that was quite an exciting day in his life

when he got that news.

They probably said to him, "You know, mayor,

we’ve been doing a lot of thinking

and we’ve decided that we’re naming the airport after you."

And he probably went, "Really? Which one?"

And they went, LaGuardia, right up on the Grand Central."

"Oh, yeah, I’ve been there a million times."

You know what bothers me on the plane

is the pilot coming on that P.A. system all the time.

You know, why do they have to talk to us?

We’re going over this, we’re going over that,

I’m making a left, I’m bringing it up,

I’m taking it down.

Why don’t you just go where you got to go?

Why bother him, going up there knocking on the cockpit door,

I’m having the peanuts now.

Just thought you might like to know what I’m doing.

So long as we all know what you’re doing.

I’m not gonna have them all now.

I don’t wanna finish it because it’s such a big bag.

But New York is a city.

City with a lot of problems,

a lot of crime, a lot of things to clean up.

I think one of the things we need to do to fix this city

is to combine the jobs of cop and garbage man.

I don’t see why this can’t be one job, cop/garbage man.

How many times do you see a cop just walking down the street,

not doing anything.

I say, "Grab a Broom!"

Come on!

Oh, you see a crime.

Go ahead, stop the crime, get the crooks,

get right back to the sweeping.

Sweep, sweep, sweep.

There is crime. How many times do you see this no radio?

I love--but they’re starting to see variations.

You see no radio signs a lot in the windows of cars, right?

Then I’ve seen no radio, nothing in trunk.

Have you seen that one? I saw anyone. I swear.

I’m not making this up. No radio, thank you.

We’re gonna--I guess we’re gonna try being polite

to the criminals, see if that works.

Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Crack-addict sir.

( laughter )

I have a friend that is thinking of buying a stun gun

because of the situation.

A stun gun. I don’t really, uh, even know how that works.

But nice if they could be adjustable thing, a stun gun.

Isn’t it, you know, you just zap the guy

and he goes, "Whoa," and you go, "Are you okay?"

"No, I’m fine. I, uh, no, frankly I’m stunned.

I really I’m just--

I’m really stunned that you would use that on me."

Strange jobs in New York.

Taxi cab drivers always fascinate me.

I have one these guys--

Do you ever get one of these guys

that accelerates to the red light?

It’s red.

You can’t make a light that’s red

no matter how fast you go.

They accelerate so they can get a nice throwback

when they get to the-- you know, they love to do that.

So I’m in the car-- Have you ever--

You know, sometimes you just wanna talk to the guy.

You wanna go, "What is wrong?

What is making you drive like this?

Is it your--in your mind-- is it the cherry smell?

What is the problem?"

What is the thinking behind that cherry stuff

that somehow cherry B.O.

is right-- better than regular B.O.?

The amazing thing about riding in cabs in New York

is you are not afraid.

Isn’t this true? You are just, for some reason, relaxed.

Your life is very much in danger.

You’re in Manhattan--

When you’re in Manhattan, you’re not scared.

You’re just watching through that glass partition.

It’s like it’s all happening on television, isn’t it?

He’s flying down. He’s up on two wheels.

You know, you’re in the backseat going,

"Well, that looked dangerous.

I wouldn’t try that in my car."

( laughter )

I’ve never seen an old lady jump straight up like that, have you?

They really have a lot of spring at that age.

I tell you the dumbest thing you can think

at the back of the taxi cab is,

"Well, I’m sure the man knows what he’s doing.

He’s driving fast and recklessly

with total disregard for human life,

but after all, he’s a professional.

He’s got a cab driver’s license. I can see it right there."

I don’t even know what it takes to get a cab driver’s license.

I don’t. I mean, it seems to me all you need is a face.

( laughter )

This seems to be the big qualification.

And a name with, like, eight consonants in a row.

( laughter )

( applause )

Have you ever checked out some of the letters in these names?

Can someone explain to me the "O"

with the line through it?

What planet is that from?

You need a chart of the elements if you wanna report the guy.

"Yes, officer, his name was Amal and then the symbol for boron."

( laughter )

We’ve got a great show. Annie Lennox is here.

Stick around. We’ll be right back.

( cheering and applause )

Larry: Hi!

Get ready for big money and big prizes

onStand-up and Win.

And now, it’s time to bring out our host,

make him feel welcome, Bobby Wheat!

( cheering and applause )

Hey!

How’s everybody doing?

Welcome to Stand-up and Win,

where stand-ups compete for big money.

Contestants, thanks for making it!

Are you ready to play?

( indistinct shouting )

Okay! Hands on-- hands on buzzers.

Here’s our opening question.

"What’s the deal with airplane food?"

( buzzer beeps ) Billy!

I know. Could this stuff taste any worse?

It’s, like, "Thanks, but no thanks.

I’m still stuffed from that huge bag

of smoked almonds." ( correct answer bell dings )

That’s correct, Billy.

That’s worth 100 bucks, and control of our board.

Okay, let’s take a look at our categories.

They are: "Airplanes, Breakfast Cereals,

Commercials, Chicken McNuggets,

7-11 Employees and Gilligan’s Island."

Okay, Billy, what’ll it be?

Let’s stay with "Airplanes" for 100.

Okay! Here’s the question.

"And what’s with that beef stroganoff they serve you?"

( buzzer beeps ) I know!

It’s looking at you, like, "Come on, I dare you!

( wrong answer stinger )

( buzzer beeps ) Beef stroganoff?

Isn’t that getting a little loose with the language?

( wrong answer stinger )

( buzzer beeps )

And the guy next to me, he likes it.

He can’t get enough of it.

I’m looking for a dog to slip it to.

This guy’s asking for thirds.

( correct answer bell dings ) That’s right, Billy.

( applause )

And you’re on a roll!

- Let’s keep going with "Airplanes" for 200. - "Airplanes" for 200.

"And what is the deal with the black box?"

( buzzer beeps ) Tommy!

It’s the only thing that survives a crash.

Why don’t they build the whole plane out of the black box!

( correct answer bell dings )

I know. I mean, that’s right.

Let’s try "Breakfast Cereals," Bobby!

For a 100.

"What is the deal with Count Chocula?"

( buzzer beeps )

I mean, are we supposed to be afraid of this guy?

( correct answer bell dings ) Keep going.

Let’s go to "Commercials" for 100.

For 100, "Have you seen this one for the clapper?

I mean, have you seen this?"

( buzzer beeps )

I’m thinking, "Is that the same old lady

who says, ’I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up’?"

( wrong answer stinger )

( cheering and applause )

( buzzer beeps )

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

( wrong answer stinger )

Sorry. The correct answer is "clap on, clap off?

I’m watching TV.

Every time someone gets a round of applause,

my garage door goes up and down!

Clap on, clap off? I’m watching TV.

Every time someone gets a round of applause,

my garage door goes up and down!"

Okay.

( laughter )

Let’s take a break and meet our contestants.

Tommy Shelton,

you’ve been on Evening at the Improv600 times.

Thanks, Bobby. It’s great to be here!

Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones?

I know. Look how small it is.

What am I, Andre the Giant?

I know! Okay. Here’s Barry Rice.

Barry, what gives with the hair!

I know what you’re thinking.

Somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair!

Okay!

And here’s Billy Travis.

Billy, you’re appearing at the Laugh Shack.

Hey, I can’t follow that.

Okay! Back to the game.

Billy, you still have control.

Okay, let’s do "Chicken McNuggets" for 100.

"Chicken McNuggets" for 100.

"Could somebody explain these things?" ( buzzer beeps )

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

( wrong answer stinger )

( buzzer beeps )

What I wanna know is,

what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?

( correct answer bell dings ) That is right!

We would have also accepted,

if it McComes from where I McThink it does,

I don’t wanna McEat it!

( laughter )

Let’s try "7-11 Employees" for 100.

For 100, "Who are these people?"

( buzzer beeps )

Could somebody fill me in, because I’d like to know!

( correct answer bell dings ) That’s right!

Let’s keep going for 200.

For 200, okay.

"And how about this beef jerky?

What kind of mystery meat is this?"

( buzzer beeps )

It’s kind of saying, "Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky?

Am I beef? Just what am I?" ( wrong answer stinger )

( buzzer beeps ) It’s kind of saying, "Do you chew me?

Am I a cigar? Am I an actual food product?"

( wrong answer stinger )

( buzzer beeps )

Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

( wrong answer stinger ) Sorry!

The correct answer is, "Forget beef jerky.

What about these big gulps?

Could we possibly need this much mountain dew?"

Billy, you still have control of the board.

Back to "Cereals", for 200.

"Cereals" for 200.

"Grape nuts, you open it up, no grapes, no nuts!

What’s the deal?"

( laughter, applause )

( buzzer beeps ) I think it’s just an expression.

Oh.

( correct answer bell dings ) That’s correct!

Okay.

Give me "Gilligan’s Island," Bobby.

"Gilligan’s Island" for 100.

"A three-hour tour? A three-hour tour?"

( buzzer beeps )

I know! Why do they have all those clothes?

And what’s the deal with the professor?

He can make a radio out of a coconut,

but he can’t fix a hole in the damn boat.

( applause )

I mean, hey!

And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there?

Why don’t they date Mary Ann?

I’m starting to wonder about that little buddy stuff.

( correct answer bell dings ) Okay. Okay. That’s plenty.

Well, it’s time now for final Stand-up and Win.

And the final category is, "Oprah."

( laughter )

And the final question is...

"Oprah, what is with her?"

Okay, while you’re thinking it over,

Larry, tell us what our winner gets.

Larry: He’ll get a year’s supply of those things

that are at the end of your shoelaces.

What do you call those things?

They don’t have a name!

Okay, we’re back.

Once again, the final question is, "Oprah, what is with her?"

And let’s see what our players wrote.

First, Tommy.

"I know, what gives with this woman?

Is she hurting for guests, or what?

I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians

who’ve been abused by Elvis impersonators?

I mean, please, somebody help me out."

No, I’m sorry, that is wrong.

Okay, let’s see what you’ve got here.

"What is the deal with Oprah?"

And the answer you have is,

"Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?"

Sorry, Barry, that is not right.

Hm, okay, Billy,

it is your chance to win or lose.

The question, "Oprah, what is with her?"

Your answer is, "She’s fat, she’s thin,

she’s fat, she’s thin.

I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it."

That is right!

You’re our grand prize winner today.

( correct answer bell dings ) Congratulations.

I mean, what is with Oprah? I really wanna know.

Well, we’ll talk about it later.

But we’re out of time.

Thank you for coming to Stand-up and Win.

My name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks!

You’ve been great!

( cheering and applause )

This is not funny.

( school bell rings )

All right, let’s settle down, settle down.

I’ve graded your tests, and I have to say

I am more than a little bit disappointed.

In fact, I’ve decided I’m gonna throw them all out.

All right!

Uh, I--I mean, oh, man.

I think I’ve been placing too much emphasis on details.

What I wanna do now is I want you to forget

about memorizing dates.

I want you to think history, okay?

We’re just gonna make each other think.

Okay?

Now is everybody with me on this? All right, good.

Let’s talk about the Battle of Britain

and the Lend-Lease Act.

How are these two events linked in history?

Anybody got any thoughts? Sabrina.

So the test that you threw out, that’s not gonna count?

No. No.

Everybody got that? All right.

Now back to the Battle of Britain

and the Lend-Lease Act.

Roosevelt said that America must be the great arsenal

of democracy.

Now what did he mean by that?

We must be the great arsenal. What does he mean?

Randy?

Um, that we had to be, uh...

this big...arseno?

Arsenal, with an "L".

Oh, right.

Um, that we needed to be, uh--

I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking.

Okay. Maybe that wasn’t a fair question.

All right.

Now what country did Roosevelt want to supply with weapons?

Who can tell me? What country?

Remember, we’re talking about the battle of...

What? Who could tell me? Lisa.

Uh, Britain?

Yes! Good. You see, now we’re thinking history.

Mr. Thompson? I was about to say Britain?

That’s good.

So Roosevelt wants to help Britain in the war against who?

Who is Britain at war with? Who can tell me?

Okay, let’s think now.

What was happening in Europe in the 1930s?

- Darlene? - Um, I thought you said

that we weren’t gonna have to know dates?

You’re right.

Let me put it another way.

In the decade before World War II,

what was happening in Europe?

France?

- France? - Yeah.

Yeah. France. But let’s think.

What political group was in Europe at the time?

Um, the French?

Yes.

Mr. Thompson, the French are still in Europe today.

Yeah, let’s just get off the French

for a while, okay?

Okay, sure.

No, I’m sorry. I was just, Larry, making a point.

There are French people in Europe,

like Larry said, even today.

You don’t have to write that down!

It’s not gonna be on a test.

All right, let’s think about

some of the other countries in Europe.

Now name some of the other countries in Europe

besides France.

Let’s look at the map up here.

Okay. Now where’s Europe on the map?

Anyone? Where’s Europe? Is this Europe here?

How many of you think this is Europe? Right there.

Show of hands if you think this is Europe?

You’re right, that is Europe.

All right. Good, good, good, good.

Now what are some of the countries in Europe?

- Spain? - Uh-huh.

Good. Anybody else?

- Um, France? - Yes.

Can someone name another?

Germany.

Yes! Germany! Yes! Very good!

- Let’s talk about Germany. - Sweden?

- Right. But let’s stick with Germany for a second. - Man: Egypt!

Yeah. Let’s just go back to Germany, All right?

Now what political group was in power in Germany

at this time?

Somebody wanna take this one?

Larry? Randy?

Who haven’t we heard from?

How many of you saw Raiders of the Lost Ark?

( chuckles ) I have it on tape, I could bring it in?

No. No, but thank you.

Now who in the movie was Indiana Jones fighting

besides the snakes?

( laughter )

( applause )

He was fighting the Na...

Students: Na...

The Na...

The Na...azis.

Students: Nazis!

Mr. Thompson, I’m sorry, I was gonna say Nazis!

Okay.

So what did the Nazis do?

Let’s think!

Oh, uh, they tried to steal that lost ark

and then all their faces melted at the end.

No.

- Oh, uh, they put up the Berlin Wall? - Oh, that’s right!

No, they didn’t put up the Berlin Wall.

- Yeah, yeah, they did. - No, they didn’t.

Uh, are you sure? Because I think that they did.

You’re thinking of the communists!

- That was 1961! - Oh, yeah.

Mr. Thompson, I thought that you said

that we weren’t gonna have to know dates?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I forgot. All right.

Now the Nazis were in power in Germany.

So who was England at war with

during the Battle of Britain?

And don’t say France.

( laughter )

Who can tell me? Not France, but...

Take a guess!

- Germany? - Yes!

Germany? ’Cause I was about to say Germany.

- Yes. - I’ve got a question.

Uh, who came up with that name, Europe?

You know, let’s, uh-- I think we’ve done enough today.

Let’s just, uh, let’s read quietly.

For the rest of the period, just--yeah, just everybody,

- read at your desks, everybody, just for today. - Mr. Thompson?

- Yeah? - We never did get to find out

what that guy Roosevelt meant by the Great Arsenio.

It doesn’t matter.

In fact, Doug, why don’t you bring in your copy

of Raiders of the Lost Arktomorrow?

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon

and I’m a member of an all-white family.

( laughter )

Ronald Reagan escaped injury this week

when a man rushed to Las Vegas stage

and smashed the glass statue

the ex-president had been presented with.

The man was said to be incoherent,

babbling and making no sense.

There was no information yet on the attacker

who rushed the stage.

( laughter )

Hoping to capitalize on the biggest ongoing story

out of Washington,

Ralston Purina is adding a new cereal

to its line of Wheat Chex,

Rice Chex and Corn Chex called Congressional Chex.

It’ll be the first cereal that goes snap, crackle and bounce.

( laughter )

With new ongoing allegations concerning Jerry Brown,

voters will have to choose between a Democrat

we think may have some done-- done some things

on a Republican we know hasn’t done anything

or something like that.

( laughter )

President Bush and, uh--

well, make that President and Mrs. Bush’s income tax

was revealed this week and showed

that the first lady received $881,000 in royalties

from her book about Millie, the White House Dog.

After learning how much money was involved,

the president said he was hard at work

on his own new book, Roy, the White House Hamster.

( laughter )

The last pieces of the Dead Sea scrolls

will finally be made public.

Access was held up because of the accumulation

of bat dung in caves near the Dead Sea.

Batman has made a public apology.

( laughter )

Scholars will soon release the last fragments,

and so far, according to what we have of the scrolls,

Moses bounced the most checks with 998,

next to Judas who had 983.

( applause )

A worker at the National Weather Service

went insane this week when during a routine polling count,

he lost track and had to start all over from the beginning.

( laughter )

I don’t know if, uh, if you like me,

you’re 6’4", named Kevin.

Commuters breathe a sigh of relief, Thursday,

as Chicago got its new rapid transit system up and running.

Scientists are now saying that the Great Chicago Flood of 1992

would not have been a problem had it only happened

during the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.

( laughter )

In Afghanistan, at noon on Tuesday,

deposed President Najibullah went into seclusion in Kabul

ending his rule.

While the rebel held hamlet of cherry con,

Ahmad Shah Massoud met with foreign minister Abdul Wakil

concerning the rival rebels Hasabil Hassan Ali,

Khadul Sharpip, Abad Lidikazadandul,

McDrop Darry De Mana.

More on this story as my tongue unfolds.

( laughter )

The Doolittle raiders gathered in Colombia this week

to commemorate the 50th anniversary

of their daring raid on Japan.

And on Capitol Hill, preparations were being made

to celebrate the fourth anniversary

of the Doolittle administration.

( laughter )

The Democrat campaign is focused on Pennsylvania this week.

And now, a closer look at this story.

The Democrat campaign is focused on Pennsylvania this week.

Due to the FAA’s new deicing rules,

airlines will no longer be able to serve drinks with ice

within 30 minutes of takeoff.

( laughter )

And the Greyhound bus company

announced that it will install radar on all of its buses

in order to prevent collisions.

Many of the buses will also be equipped

with artillery guns to blow away slow moving cars.

( laughter )

And now, recapping some of this week’s names in the news,

is special update correspondent Opera Man.

Opera Man.

* Good day to you, Kevin Good day to you *

*

( cheering and applause )

Grazie! Grazie!

Grazie, Kevin!

Grazie!

Yes, Leona Helmsley entered prison this week

to begin a four-year sentence for tax evasion.

Leona had her haircut just before entering

the Kentucky prison and now says she’s ready to blend in

with the rest of the prison population.

( laughter )

When Leona went to prison,

her husband turned off the lights

on the Empire State Building.

Harry said he turned off the lights

because he feared she might be able to find her way back.

( laughter, applause )

We’re about to conduct a test of the emergency broadcast system.

This is only a test.

( imitates tone test beeping )

( beeping continues )

If this had been a real emergency,

I would have yelled and ran out of the studio...

( laughter ) but this was just a test.

This week, after years of construction

and millions of dollars,

Euro Disney finally opened outside Paris.

As expected, the French immediately held Goofy

as a genius.

( laughter )

A poll in Oregon indicated that close to two-thirds

of all Oregon voters favor saving logging jobs

rather than preserving the habitat

of the endangered spotted owl.

Meanwhile, in a poll of spotted owls,

93 percent favored saving the habitat

while the other 7 percent just answered, "Hoot."

( laughter )

The Gay Games are scheduled to come to New York in 1994.

The games are the same as the Olympics,

except Greco-Roman wrestling will be a team event.

( laughter )

Also, the biathlon will be opened to biathletes,

although the triathlon is still against the law.

( laughter )

And finally, authorities have located escaped murderer

and ex-playboy bunny Bambi Bembenek

in Canada this week.

They thought Bambi--

They caught Bambi after she was startled

by some oncoming headlights.

( laughter )

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

So, now we come to the portion of the Seder,

where we say the Elijah prayer.

- When can we eat? - Shut up!

- But I’m hungry. - You open your mouth again,

I’m gonna pour that horseradish down your throat.

Oh, yeah, I’m shaking.

Manny!

I can’t believe this. It’s Friday night.

One Friday night out of the year

you could spend with your family.

Yeah, why should we have to suffer alone?

Just shut up!

Go ahead, pop.

This is where we pour the wine into the goblet

and open the door so that Elijah ( knocks on door )

- can come in to drink the wine. - I’ll get it.

- I’ll do it. - I’ll do it.

( indistinct shouting )

I’ll break your hand.

What’s the difference? It’s the same thing every year!

You open the door, get scruffy, and the soup gets cold.

Somebody open the door!

Just calm down, pop.

All right, both you guys, sit down.

Get out of here. I’ll get the door.

Manny, what are you doing? Open the door!

Please, what the hell are you doing here?

You know how long I’m standing out there?

Pick up the phase people, pick up the phase.

( laughter )

I wish Nike made a sandal with a pump.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell am I? What are you, dense?

I’ll give you a hint.

What is this, man, a Shevat?

How the hell do you drink this well?

- You mean you’re... - That’s right.

I’m Elijah the Prophet.

You got a problem with that?

Complain to the big guy upstairs.

God! Got anything decent to drink?

I wouldn’t serve this pot of water to the Philistines.

Kid, go check the liquor cabinet if you mind, huh,

while I take a load off.

Let me help you with that soup.

Geez, what is this a matzo ball?

Are you gonna put a chain on it and demolish a building?

- What’s the matter, you don’t like the soup? - Like it?

There’s more salt in this soup than in the Dead Sea.

Come on, lady, some of us wanna live.

What happen? Did lots of white fall in the pot?

Why don’t we call up for a pizza?

Come on, bring me a menu.

But pizza’s made with leavened bread.

I thought during Passover,

we weren’t supposed to eat leavened bread?

Let me tell you something, kid.

If there’s one thing you should learn about Passover,

don’t mess with Elijah the Prophet.

Cheer up, grandpa.

I’ll tell you a little secret.

September 24th, in your sleep.

( cheering )

Hey, what’s your name?

- Lisa. - Lisa, that’s a nice name.

I’m Elijah the Prophet. How are you doing?

Fine.

Hey, if you got a little kosher

for Passover sticking around your tush,

I got a little Passover present for you.

No, thanks!

Yeah? How would you like to come on the road with Elijah?

Door to door, drinking wine. It’s a nonstop party. Come on.

We’ll play hide the [INAUDIBLE],

only I promise, you’ll find it.

( laughter, applause )

You’re gross!

Oh, come on, baby, I’m Elijah the Prophet.

I was swinging with Queen Esther before you were born, okay?

Wait, wait. Where you going? Let me pop the four questions.

- Number one, are you a virgin? - Yes.

Well, then forget the other three questions.

( laughter )

( applause )

Hey, mom, your daughter just blow off Elijah the Prophet.

I’m not gonna-- That’s not gonna sit too well

on the Book of Judgment, if you know what I mean.

Op. Oh, look at what he did.

I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it.

Oh, Dad, who are you gonna believe?

Your little pimple-faced kid or Elijah the Prophet, huh?

What are you doing here? Why did you choose us?

Do you mind, didn’t I? Yeah, it’s like jury duty.

Everybody gets chosen eventually.

Quite frankly, it’s a pain in the rear end.

You should’ve been around in the old days.

Me and the boys running around spraying blood on people’s doors

so God wouldn’t whack the first born.

That’s a Seder.

This is lame-o.

Are you staying for dinner? Should we set a plate?

Darling, if that soup is any indication,

I’ll be picking up something at McDonalds.

All right, I thought Elijah came in times of trouble

to lift our spirits and give us hope.

I thought the appearance of Elijah

will precede the arrival of the messiah,

and with it, peace on Earth.

( doorbell dings )

Here he is now, right on time.

- Hey! - Hey!

How are you doing?

Where’s the wine?

( cheering and applause )

Hey, Dan, how’s that coming?

Oh, pretty good, it’s, uh--

Is that the third quarter report you’re looking at?

Yeah. Take a look at these numbers.

Okay.

Here’s what I’m concerned about.

Yeah. That’s probably left over from the, uh--

( fax machine beeps )

That’s the fax. I’ll get it.

Hey, everybody.

- Hey, Ed. - Ed.

What’s the good word?

Oh, just a couple of discrepancies

on the third quarter report.

Oh, don’t sweat it, Dan.

I checked it out against yesterday’s draft.

That’s just a clerical. No problem.

Hey, Ed, I left those blueprints on your desk.

- Could you look at them? - Sure, Dave.

Just give me a minute.

Excuse me, uh, could you tell me where the, uh--

It’s down the hall, second door on your left.

Thanks a lot.

( laughter, applause )

- Hey, guys! - Hey, Suzanne!

- Suzanne! - How are you?

- Ed: Hi, Suzanne. - Hi.

Ed, I’m worried about Suzanne.

I don’t think she’s working out.

I know. She, uh--

Walk with me.

I don’t know what it is.

She just doesn’t seem to be fitting in.

Yeah.

Well, maybe we’re not making an effort.

- I think it’s her. - Hey, wait. Take a look.

- Hey! - Hey!

Hey, guys!

- Oh. - Oh.

Hey, how’s the third quarter report coming?

- Great! - Great.

You wanna take a look at it?

- Sure! - Hey, Suzanne,

we’re having a company softball game this weekend.

Would you like to join us?

Yeah, I’d love to.

Holy smokes! Here comes the boss!

Oh, no.

- Hi, everyone. - Hi, boss.

- Hey, boss! - How you doing?

- I’m glad to see everybody busy. - Yes, sir.

Jenkins, is your outline ready for tomorrow’s presentation?

Uh, right here, sir.

Hm. Oh, yes.

Yes, this should be very interesting.

( laughter )

He’s a tough customer.

Yeah, but it’s great to watch him work.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Live from the Marcy project,

it’sI’m Chillin’.

Yo, what’s up? What’s up?

Welcome to I’m chillin’,

the pro-pro-program for the ho-ho-hogram.

I’m your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T-O-P.

Yo, it’s all about money.

And sitting by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam,

my ace pontoon, my brand-new toon,

my Vidal Sassoon, my Looney toon,

my Daniel Boone, my ancient rune, my big balloon,

my wrinkled prune, my golden bloom,

my cat in the cradle in the a silver spoon,

little boy blue and the man on a mason!

It’s B-Fats! Yo, B, tell them how you feel.

Yo!

( cheering and applause )

Yo, I’m making more dough than Charley Channing,

clocking more host than Ed McMahon.

Yo, I hear that. I hear that.

Now before I start the show,

I wanna say what’s up to our new sponsor. That’s right.

I wanna say what’s up to Bullet Hole Tampons.

That’s right.

Bullet Hole Tampons,

’cause sometimes you’ll bleed in other places.

You know what I’m saying?

Yo, Onski, did you see the Oscars on TV?

Well, what’s up with that Silence of the Lambs

winning everything?

I mean, it was okay but it was no Jaws!

Yeah, man, you know , Jaws was all that in a Fotomat, man.

I mean, Jawshad it all.

They had murder, violence, killing, stealing.

And that was just in the lobby, man!

You know, man, you’re funnier than Sinbad.

But check this out.

Silence of the Lambs wasn’t totally whacked.

I mean, my man was cold, eating people.

Yeah, man. You know, that bugged me up.

Man, I mean, what’s the proper way to eat people?

I mean, dude, when you’re eating a finger, man,

do you use a fork or do you use your hands?

I mean, what do you do with the blood, man?

I mean, do you use a spoon

or do you slap it up with a biscuit, man?

What’s up with that, man

Yo, later, Bizee. It’s about that time.

- Time to bust a rhyme? - No, B.

- Time to change my line? - No, B!

It’s time for the Mother Joke of the Day.

Yo, today’s Mother Joke was sent to us by Mei-Mei Brown

at the Red Hook Projects.

Mei-Mei just moved in the new building

with a urine-free elevator.

Yo, congratulations, Mei-Mei.

And it goes a little something like this.

"Your mother’s glasses are so thick,

when she looks at a map, she could see people waving."

Yo, Don Pardo, tell her what she wins!

Don Pardo: You win an "O" hat.

That’s right, "O" hat.

Be the only person on the block without an "X" hat.

Play tic-tac-toe with your friends.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

Right now, we’re gonna catch a new video from ECE.

It’s a love song. It’s called "Help, Don’t Yell."

( alarm beeps )

Oh, man, yo, we got to check that out next week.

Right now, I got to go pick up my baby’s mother

from her G-E-D class and get home real quick

so I can catch the Def Comedy Jam.

Remember, always wipe and stay off the pipe.

And if a sucker gets ill, tell them, "I’m chilling."

*

( cheering and applause )

Announcer: So astonishingly affordable.

For a free brochure, see your travel agent or call right now.

In Metropolis, the number is 555-3900.

That’s 555-3900.

*

Live from Metropolis, this isThe Lenny Wise Show.

Here once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise.

What’s your biggest regret? Or, uh--

Let me put it another way, if you had one wish,

- what would it be? - Hmm.

I’d like to go back to Krypton.

To go back to Krypton, that’s what where like to go.

I like to see what it was like before it blew up.

Your father was a brilliant man.

I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El.

Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist.

But the sad thing was, they didn’t listen to him.

- Did your mother work? - I don’t know. Maybe.

Before I was born, I don’t know.

Because, you know, don’t forget, I was still a baby

when the whole planet blew up.

Our guest is Superman. The lines are open.

When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite?

Is it something that’s on your mind?

I mean, do you say, "Uh-oh!

I hope I don’t run across some kryptonite today."

Not really. No.

I--I don’t think you can live your life

worried about kryptonite.

You know, I just try and go about my business,

and I don’t think about it.

How much kryptonite do you think is out there?

- I have no idea. - No idea?

No. I mean, it could be anything.

Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kryptonite?

No, not really.

But like I said, it’s just something I can’t control,

so why worry about it?

Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead?

It did at the beginning, yeah.

I remember the first time that it happened.

I said, "Hey, what the heck is going on here?"

But you know, eventually, I got used to it.

You stopped aging when?

When I was 30.

Because, if you were born on this planet,

you would be, what, in your 50s now, no?

Yeah. That’s just about right.

Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana.

Al: Hello, Superman?

Yes, hello, sir.

Superman? This is--This is Al McKay.

Remember?

I--I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor?

On Pine Street?

Oh, yes. Yes. How are you, Mr. McKay?

What’s your question?

Just wanted to say hello.

- You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right? - Yes, that’s right, Len.

And the two of you used to be good friends.

- Right. - What happened?

Well, this one day, I flew over his house,

and I accidentally set his lab on fire,

and that’s how he became bald.

And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since.

Did you ever sit down with the guy and say,

"Hey, Lex, come on, it was an accident!"

Oh, sure.

- No dice? - No.

He’s a pretty strange fellow.

What do you do for fun? How do you relax?

I like to play scrabble.

Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity?

Oh, yeah, in the costume.

Well, it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you

while you’re in your costume.

Well, not really, Len.

You still got to get the letters.

I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game,

costume or not, I’m not gonna win!

You mean you’ve lost at scrabble?

Oh, sure. Many times.

Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis.

Woman: Yes, Superman?

I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year,

you sat around for two weeks doing nothing

while Metropolis smelled like a pigsty!

Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel

like picking up all that garbage.

Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off?

Oh, like I don’t do enough?

The whole thing would have taken you 10 minutes!

- First of all, nothing takes 10 minutes. - Oh, come on!

You could have fused the garbage into a big ball

and hurled it out into space!

Yeah, fine! Yeah, you know!

Superman, what a joke!

Why don’t you just go-- ( bleeps )

( laughs )

Uh, she’s obviously pretty upset.

And I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset

- about that garbage situation. - Well, I’m sorry, Len.

I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage.

I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbage man.

That’s where I draw the line.

( chuckles ) Okay. No argument here.

You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite.

Yeah, I’ve heard that.

Okay, if I came across a piece of kryptonite,

how much do you think it would be worth?

Can you give me a break with the kryptonite?

Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time.

- I’d like to thank my guest, Superman, for being with us. - Yeah, it’s a pleasure.

Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity?

Sure, I’m... ( whispers )

Wha--What was that?

( chuckles ) Seriously, come back again.

Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick,

currently starring in A Horrible Coincidence.

Good night, everybody.

( cheering and applause )

*

Hey, I wanna thank Annie Lennox for being here.

( cheering and applause )

All these unbelievable comedy people.

I wanna thank Superman for making a special appearance.

Lorne Michaels, everybody, the writers,

thank you very much.

*