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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,408 --> 00:00:10,810 Gov. Brown, Gov. Clinton, we’ll be ready for you 2 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:13,980 - in five minutes. - Thank you, Susan. Appreciate it. 3 00:00:17,784 --> 00:00:19,786 You have a preference? 4 00:00:19,819 --> 00:00:20,987 Excuse me? 5 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:24,290 You have a preference? Right podium or left podium? 6 00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:26,192 Well, either one’s fine, Bill, 7 00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:28,595 because it’s not important which podium. 8 00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:30,930 I mean, what is important is returning power 9 00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,298 to the people of this country 10 00:00:32,332 --> 00:00:35,969 and it’s about uprooting the entrenched corporate elite 11 00:00:36,002 --> 00:00:39,272 who, uh, who, uh, for so long perverted the political system 12 00:00:39,305 --> 00:00:42,475 into serving their needs instead of addressing the needs 13 00:00:42,509 --> 00:00:43,677 of the common man. 14 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:44,911 And on second thought, Bill, 15 00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:46,413 I’m gonna go with the right podium 16 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,581 ’cause I think it’s important, if that’s okay with you? 17 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,116 No problem, Jerry. 18 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,919 Listen, I just want you to know that I think you got a rod deal 19 00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:55,121 with that marijuana party thing in California 20 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:58,058 - and I’m not gonna bring it up. - I appreciate that, Bill. 21 00:00:58,091 --> 00:01:01,294 Man, I don’t think either of us is being served by drugstores 22 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:02,495 at this point in the race. 23 00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:05,165 I mean, it hurts the process and it hurts the party. 24 00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:06,666 Well, I agree. I agree, Bill. 25 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,668 And it would be like bringing up old nicknames 26 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,103 that really weren’t fair 27 00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,405 and I know that you’re not interested 28 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,308 in referring to me as the Governor Moonbeam 29 00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:18,244 or Spaceman Jerry or Governor Spaceman 30 00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:19,913 or Captain Weirdo. 31 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,314 Well, exactly. 32 00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,216 The last thing America wants to dwell on 33 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:25,352 is something that happened years ago, 34 00:01:25,385 --> 00:01:27,487 like who registered for what draft 35 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,556 and how they got out of it, 36 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,225 or when they finally did go to Vietnam, 37 00:01:32,258 --> 00:01:34,928 what side they may have fought on. 38 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:36,730 I mean, that’s ancient history 39 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,732 and I know you don’t have any interest in it. 40 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,266 Well, none whatsoever, Bill, 41 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,570 and I assume that you agree that the voting public 42 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:47,474 has no interest in hearing about a couple of SNMK group parties 43 00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,543 at the governor’s mansion in California. 44 00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:53,113 Some of which were attended by Jim Jones 45 00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:55,115 and a few hundred of his followers. 46 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,384 Goes without saying. 47 00:01:57,417 --> 00:02:00,253 And similarly, it’d be a waste of America’s time 48 00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:04,090 arguing whether I did or did not start a few forced fires 49 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,727 and then bragged about them to women to gain sexual favors. 50 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:11,064 ’Cause, you know, it has no bearing on America 51 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:14,934 not being as competitive as it could be. 52 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,303 I crashed the Exxon Valdez. 53 00:02:17,337 --> 00:02:19,139 ( laughter ) 54 00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,941 I thought we could save a few minutes if we cut by that reef 55 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,877 and I clearly was wrong and I admitted it 56 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,913 and we don’t need to bring it up. 57 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:30,550 Ishtar was my idea. 58 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:33,887 I said don’t worry about the script, 59 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,556 just put Beatty and Hoffman out there in the desert, 60 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,925 put a serape on them, something funny will happen. 61 00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:41,294 Trust me. That’s what I said. 62 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,796 Mum’s the word, Bill. 63 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,965 And do you mind, if I mention that you belong 64 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,934 to an all-white country club. 65 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:52,339 That’s all right. That’s gonna come out anyway. 66 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:54,741 You wanna swap wives? 67 00:02:54,774 --> 00:02:56,943 Oh, I’m not married, Bill. 68 00:02:56,976 --> 00:02:58,645 Do you have anything you wanna swap? 69 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,214 ( laughter ) 70 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,450 Well, not really. 71 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:06,319 You know, uh, maybe you shouldn’t mention 72 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,788 that I just brought up wives swapping, you know. 73 00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,056 There’s no need to, Bill, 74 00:03:10,056 --> 00:03:12,459 because it has nothing to do with the fact 75 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:15,362 that America has lost its competitive edge, 76 00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:18,531 and I just wanna know are you gonna bring up the fact 77 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,400 that here we are live from New York 78 00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:22,202 and it’s Saturday Night. 79 00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:24,404 No, I won’t bring it up if you don’t. 80 00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,206 I’ll bring it up. 81 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,540 Tsongas! Tsongas! 82 00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:31,244 Live from New York... 83 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:34,080 it’s Saturday Night. 84 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:37,384 * 85 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:56,002 Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live! 86 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,209 With Dana Carvey... 87 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,612 Chris Farley... 88 00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:08,948 Phil Hartman... 89 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:11,751 Victoria Jackson... 90 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:14,788 Mike Myers... 91 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:17,757 Kevin Nealon... 92 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,293 Chris Rock... 93 00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:22,095 Julia Sweeney... 94 00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:27,067 with Ellen Cleghorne... 95 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,336 Siobhan Fallon... 96 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,404 Tim Meadows... 97 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:37,077 Adam Sandler... 98 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,146 Rob Schneider... 99 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,716 David Spade... 100 00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,719 and featuring Beth Cahill... 101 00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:47,721 Al Franken... 102 00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:50,090 Melanie Hutsell... 103 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:53,460 G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band. 104 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:57,697 Musical guest, Annie Lennox... 105 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:05,205 and starring Jerry Seinfeld. 106 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:17,350 Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld. 107 00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:32,732 ( cheering and applause ) 108 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,907 Thank you. Thank you very much. 109 00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:42,375 Thank you very much. 110 00:05:42,409 --> 00:05:46,613 That’s exactly the way I feel. Exactly. 111 00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:47,947 I’m very happy to be in New York. 112 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,116 It’s my favorite place in the world to be. 113 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,551 I love everything about New York. 114 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:54,854 I live here. I am New York. 115 00:05:56,923 --> 00:06:00,894 LaGuardia is my favorite airport in the world 116 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:05,031 because I like my runways as short as they can get. 117 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,768 And I also enjoy that nice body of water right past the edge 118 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:09,903 of the runway. 119 00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,238 That’s a nice touch, isn’t it? 120 00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:14,374 I think they’re thinking of putting some piranha in there. 121 00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:19,212 It’s the--really the only way we can improve the takeoff area. 122 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,947 LaGuardia, of course, as you know, 123 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,783 named after the ex-mayor of New York, 124 00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,251 Fiorello H. LaGuardia. 125 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,921 And I’m sure that was quite an exciting day in his life 126 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,756 when he got that news. 127 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,291 They probably said to him, "You know, mayor, 128 00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,892 we’ve been doing a lot of thinking 129 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:35,295 and we’ve decided that we’re naming the airport after you." 130 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:36,696 And he probably went, "Really? Which one?" 131 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:41,067 And they went, LaGuardia, right up on the Grand Central." 132 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,969 "Oh, yeah, I’ve been there a million times." 133 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,706 You know what bothers me on the plane 134 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,576 is the pilot coming on that P.A. system all the time. 135 00:06:49,609 --> 00:06:51,077 You know, why do they have to talk to us? 136 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,546 We’re going over this, we’re going over that, 137 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:55,515 I’m making a left, I’m bringing it up, 138 00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:56,750 I’m taking it down. 139 00:06:56,783 --> 00:07:00,220 Why don’t you just go where you got to go? 140 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,922 Why bother him, going up there knocking on the cockpit door, 141 00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:06,726 I’m having the peanuts now. 142 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:11,631 Just thought you might like to know what I’m doing. 143 00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:15,602 So long as we all know what you’re doing. 144 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:18,238 I’m not gonna have them all now. 145 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,042 I don’t wanna finish it because it’s such a big bag. 146 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:27,847 But New York is a city. 147 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,083 City with a lot of problems, 148 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,619 a lot of crime, a lot of things to clean up. 149 00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,454 I think one of the things we need to do to fix this city 150 00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:39,659 is to combine the jobs of cop and garbage man. 151 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:43,229 I don’t see why this can’t be one job, cop/garbage man. 152 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,799 How many times do you see a cop just walking down the street, 153 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:46,933 not doing anything. 154 00:07:46,966 --> 00:07:50,537 I say, "Grab a Broom!" 155 00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:52,605 Come on! 156 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,773 Oh, you see a crime. 157 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,709 Go ahead, stop the crime, get the crooks, 158 00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,477 get right back to the sweeping. 159 00:07:57,510 --> 00:07:59,446 Sweep, sweep, sweep. 160 00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,250 There is crime. How many times do you see this no radio? 161 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,286 I love--but they’re starting to see variations. 162 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,422 You see no radio signs a lot in the windows of cars, right? 163 00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:12,125 Then I’ve seen no radio, nothing in trunk. 164 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,027 Have you seen that one? I saw anyone. I swear. 165 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:17,430 I’m not making this up. No radio, thank you. 166 00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:20,033 We’re gonna--I guess we’re gonna try being polite 167 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,335 to the criminals, see if that works. 168 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:25,238 Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Crack-addict sir. 169 00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:27,807 ( laughter ) 170 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,877 I have a friend that is thinking of buying a stun gun 171 00:08:30,910 --> 00:08:33,046 because of the situation. 172 00:08:33,079 --> 00:08:36,182 A stun gun. I don’t really, uh, even know how that works. 173 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,818 But nice if they could be adjustable thing, a stun gun. 174 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,520 Isn’t it, you know, you just zap the guy 175 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:42,222 and he goes, "Whoa," and you go, "Are you okay?" 176 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:45,492 "No, I’m fine. I, uh, no, frankly I’m stunned. 177 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,061 I really I’m just-- 178 00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:51,531 I’m really stunned that you would use that on me." 179 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,437 Strange jobs in New York. 180 00:08:57,470 --> 00:09:00,807 Taxi cab drivers always fascinate me. 181 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,008 I have one these guys-- 182 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,109 Do you ever get one of these guys 183 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:06,012 that accelerates to the red light? 184 00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:07,113 It’s red. 185 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,715 You can’t make a light that’s red 186 00:09:08,748 --> 00:09:09,916 no matter how fast you go. 187 00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:12,652 They accelerate so they can get a nice throwback 188 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:16,556 when they get to the-- you know, they love to do that. 189 00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,658 So I’m in the car-- Have you ever-- 190 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,527 You know, sometimes you just wanna talk to the guy. 191 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,761 You wanna go, "What is wrong? 192 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,330 What is making you drive like this? 193 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,599 Is it your--in your mind-- is it the cherry smell? 194 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:29,502 What is the problem?" 195 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,271 What is the thinking behind that cherry stuff 196 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,572 that somehow cherry B.O. 197 00:09:32,605 --> 00:09:36,609 is right-- better than regular B.O.? 198 00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,845 The amazing thing about riding in cabs in New York 199 00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:40,313 is you are not afraid. 200 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:43,950 Isn’t this true? You are just, for some reason, relaxed. 201 00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:47,253 Your life is very much in danger. 202 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,588 You’re in Manhattan-- 203 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,623 When you’re in Manhattan, you’re not scared. 204 00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:53,326 You’re just watching through that glass partition. 205 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,329 It’s like it’s all happening on television, isn’t it? 206 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,732 He’s flying down. He’s up on two wheels. 207 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,368 You know, you’re in the backseat going, 208 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:05,338 "Well, that looked dangerous. 209 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,340 I wouldn’t try that in my car." 210 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,808 ( laughter ) 211 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:12,545 I’ve never seen an old lady jump straight up like that, have you? 212 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:14,881 They really have a lot of spring at that age. 213 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,116 I tell you the dumbest thing you can think 214 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,251 at the back of the taxi cab is, 215 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,888 "Well, I’m sure the man knows what he’s doing. 216 00:10:21,921 --> 00:10:24,190 He’s driving fast and recklessly 217 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:25,658 with total disregard for human life, 218 00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,827 but after all, he’s a professional. 219 00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:30,630 He’s got a cab driver’s license. I can see it right there." 220 00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:33,466 I don’t even know what it takes to get a cab driver’s license. 221 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,103 I don’t. I mean, it seems to me all you need is a face. 222 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,305 ( laughter ) 223 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,342 This seems to be the big qualification. 224 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,278 And a name with, like, eight consonants in a row. 225 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,613 ( laughter ) 226 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,582 ( applause ) 227 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,221 Have you ever checked out some of the letters in these names? 228 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,290 Can someone explain to me the "O" 229 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,726 with the line through it? 230 00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:01,828 What planet is that from? 231 00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:04,364 You need a chart of the elements if you wanna report the guy. 232 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:08,802 "Yes, officer, his name was Amal and then the symbol for boron." 233 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,437 ( laughter ) 234 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:12,839 We’ve got a great show. Annie Lennox is here. 235 00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:15,075 Stick around. We’ll be right back. 236 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:18,078 ( cheering and applause ) 237 00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:28,855 Larry: Hi! 238 00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,624 Get ready for big money and big prizes 239 00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,626 onStand-up and Win. 240 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:36,262 And now, it’s time to bring out our host, 241 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,332 make him feel welcome, Bobby Wheat! 242 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:42,302 ( cheering and applause ) 243 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,805 Hey! 244 00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:48,274 How’s everybody doing? 245 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,543 Welcome to Stand-up and Win, 246 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,146 where stand-ups compete for big money. 247 00:11:53,179 --> 00:11:55,648 Contestants, thanks for making it! 248 00:11:55,682 --> 00:11:56,783 Are you ready to play? 249 00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,585 ( indistinct shouting ) 250 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:03,056 Okay! Hands on-- hands on buzzers. 251 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:05,725 Here’s our opening question. 252 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,660 "What’s the deal with airplane food?" 253 00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,662 ( buzzer beeps ) Billy! 254 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,565 I know. Could this stuff taste any worse? 255 00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,300 It’s, like, "Thanks, but no thanks. 256 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,503 I’m still stuffed from that huge bag 257 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,338 of smoked almonds." ( correct answer bell dings ) 258 00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:19,739 That’s correct, Billy. 259 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:24,744 That’s worth 100 bucks, and control of our board. 260 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:27,380 Okay, let’s take a look at our categories. 261 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:31,651 They are: "Airplanes, Breakfast Cereals, 262 00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:35,922 Commercials, Chicken McNuggets, 263 00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:40,393 7-11 Employees and Gilligan’s Island." 264 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,595 Okay, Billy, what’ll it be? 265 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,098 Let’s stay with "Airplanes" for 100. 266 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,100 Okay! Here’s the question. 267 00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:50,437 "And what’s with that beef stroganoff they serve you?" 268 00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,238 ( buzzer beeps ) I know! 269 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,841 It’s looking at you, like, "Come on, I dare you! 270 00:12:54,874 --> 00:12:56,009 ( wrong answer stinger ) 271 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,111 ( buzzer beeps ) Beef stroganoff? 272 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,780 Isn’t that getting a little loose with the language? 273 00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:01,915 ( wrong answer stinger ) 274 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,083 ( buzzer beeps ) 275 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,151 And the guy next to me, he likes it. 276 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,820 He can’t get enough of it. 277 00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,688 I’m looking for a dog to slip it to. 278 00:13:08,722 --> 00:13:10,590 This guy’s asking for thirds. 279 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,625 ( correct answer bell dings ) That’s right, Billy. 280 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,462 ( applause ) 281 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:18,131 And you’re on a roll! 282 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:21,267 - Let’s keep going with "Airplanes" for 200. - "Airplanes" for 200. 283 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,938 "And what is the deal with the black box?" 284 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:26,673 ( buzzer beeps ) Tommy! 285 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:29,542 It’s the only thing that survives a crash. 286 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:32,846 Why don’t they build the whole plane out of the black box! 287 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:35,315 ( correct answer bell dings ) 288 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:40,587 I know. I mean, that’s right. 289 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:43,323 Let’s try "Breakfast Cereals," Bobby! 290 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,691 For a 100. 291 00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:47,627 "What is the deal with Count Chocula?" 292 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,928 ( buzzer beeps ) 293 00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:52,465 I mean, are we supposed to be afraid of this guy? 294 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,201 ( correct answer bell dings ) Keep going. 295 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,270 Let’s go to "Commercials" for 100. 296 00:13:57,303 --> 00:14:01,474 For 100, "Have you seen this one for the clapper? 297 00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,643 I mean, have you seen this?" 298 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,445 ( buzzer beeps ) 299 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,881 I’m thinking, "Is that the same old lady 300 00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:10,517 who says, ’I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up’?" 301 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,651 ( wrong answer stinger ) 302 00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:13,953 ( cheering and applause ) 303 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,221 ( buzzer beeps ) 304 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:18,058 Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? 305 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,125 ( wrong answer stinger ) 306 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:23,329 Sorry. The correct answer is "clap on, clap off? 307 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698 I’m watching TV. 308 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,633 Every time someone gets a round of applause, 309 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,236 my garage door goes up and down! 310 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,772 Clap on, clap off? I’m watching TV. 311 00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:34,674 Every time someone gets a round of applause, 312 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,477 my garage door goes up and down!" 313 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:38,611 Okay. 314 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,847 ( laughter ) 315 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:44,718 Let’s take a break and meet our contestants. 316 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,086 Tommy Shelton, 317 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,989 you’ve been on Evening at the Improv600 times. 318 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,625 Thanks, Bobby. It’s great to be here! 319 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:55,795 Tommy, what is the deal with these microphones? 320 00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:57,530 I know. Look how small it is. 321 00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,266 What am I, Andre the Giant? 322 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,937 I know! Okay. Here’s Barry Rice. 323 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:06,773 Barry, what gives with the hair! 324 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,842 I know what you’re thinking. 325 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:13,146 Somebody went to Supercuts and fell asleep in the chair! 326 00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:14,581 Okay! 327 00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:16,182 And here’s Billy Travis. 328 00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:18,718 Billy, you’re appearing at the Laugh Shack. 329 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,154 Hey, I can’t follow that. 330 00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,256 Okay! Back to the game. 331 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,695 Billy, you still have control. 332 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,531 Okay, let’s do "Chicken McNuggets" for 100. 333 00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:33,800 "Chicken McNuggets" for 100. 334 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:37,404 "Could somebody explain these things?" ( buzzer beeps ) 335 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,674 Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? 336 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,075 ( wrong answer stinger ) 337 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,143 ( buzzer beeps ) 338 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,911 What I wanna know is, 339 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:48,515 what part of the chicken does the McNugget come from? 340 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,817 ( correct answer bell dings ) That is right! 341 00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:53,687 We would have also accepted, 342 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,523 if it McComes from where I McThink it does, 343 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:58,291 I don’t wanna McEat it! 344 00:15:58,324 --> 00:16:00,794 ( laughter ) 345 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:04,531 Let’s try "7-11 Employees" for 100. 346 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:08,535 For 100, "Who are these people?" 347 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,437 ( buzzer beeps ) 348 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,807 Could somebody fill me in, because I’d like to know! 349 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,141 ( correct answer bell dings ) That’s right! 350 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:18,244 Let’s keep going for 200. 351 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,779 For 200, okay. 352 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,915 "And how about this beef jerky? 353 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,184 What kind of mystery meat is this?" 354 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,585 ( buzzer beeps ) 355 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,655 It’s kind of saying, "Am I beef? Am I jerky? Am I jerky? 356 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,291 Am I beef? Just what am I?" ( wrong answer stinger ) 357 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,060 ( buzzer beeps ) It’s kind of saying, "Do you chew me? 358 00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:36,863 Am I a cigar? Am I an actual food product?" 359 00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:38,064 ( wrong answer stinger ) 360 00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,265 ( buzzer beeps ) 361 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:41,868 Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? 362 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:44,604 ( wrong answer stinger ) Sorry! 363 00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:48,274 The correct answer is, "Forget beef jerky. 364 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,076 What about these big gulps? 365 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:54,814 Could we possibly need this much mountain dew?" 366 00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:57,083 Billy, you still have control of the board. 367 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,985 Back to "Cereals", for 200. 368 00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:00,787 "Cereals" for 200. 369 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:04,024 "Grape nuts, you open it up, no grapes, no nuts! 370 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,191 What’s the deal?" 371 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:08,361 ( laughter, applause ) 372 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:12,198 ( buzzer beeps ) I think it’s just an expression. 373 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,366 Oh. 374 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,603 ( correct answer bell dings ) That’s correct! 375 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,505 Okay. 376 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,473 Give me "Gilligan’s Island," Bobby. 377 00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,676 "Gilligan’s Island" for 100. 378 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,646 "A three-hour tour? A three-hour tour?" 379 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,715 ( buzzer beeps ) 380 00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:32,218 I know! Why do they have all those clothes? 381 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,621 And what’s the deal with the professor? 382 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,790 He can make a radio out of a coconut, 383 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:40,260 but he can’t fix a hole in the damn boat. 384 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:41,828 ( applause ) 385 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:45,231 I mean, hey! 386 00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:48,835 And the Skipper and Gilligan, what is the deal there? 387 00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:50,637 Why don’t they date Mary Ann? 388 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,139 I’m starting to wonder about that little buddy stuff. 389 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,076 ( correct answer bell dings ) Okay. Okay. That’s plenty. 390 00:17:56,076 --> 00:18:00,013 Well, it’s time now for final Stand-up and Win. 391 00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:03,650 And the final category is, "Oprah." 392 00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,485 ( laughter ) 393 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,388 And the final question is... 394 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,791 "Oprah, what is with her?" 395 00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:14,661 Okay, while you’re thinking it over, 396 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,330 Larry, tell us what our winner gets. 397 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,033 Larry: He’ll get a year’s supply of those things 398 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,035 that are at the end of your shoelaces. 399 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,670 What do you call those things? 400 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,939 They don’t have a name! 401 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,875 Okay, we’re back. 402 00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:34,247 Once again, the final question is, "Oprah, what is with her?" 403 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,149 And let’s see what our players wrote. 404 00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:37,283 First, Tommy. 405 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:40,353 "I know, what gives with this woman? 406 00:18:40,387 --> 00:18:42,756 Is she hurting for guests, or what? 407 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,659 I mean, how many times do I need to see necrophiliac lesbians 408 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,728 who’ve been abused by Elvis impersonators? 409 00:18:48,762 --> 00:18:52,699 I mean, please, somebody help me out." 410 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,502 No, I’m sorry, that is wrong. 411 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,541 Okay, let’s see what you’ve got here. 412 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,909 "What is the deal with Oprah?" 413 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,377 And the answer you have is, 414 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:08,181 "Who are the ad wizards who came up with that one?" 415 00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:11,551 Sorry, Barry, that is not right. 416 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,687 Hm, okay, Billy, 417 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,789 it is your chance to win or lose. 418 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,757 The question, "Oprah, what is with her?" 419 00:19:17,791 --> 00:19:20,360 Your answer is, "She’s fat, she’s thin, 420 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,128 she’s fat, she’s thin. 421 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:24,698 I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it." 422 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,833 That is right! 423 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,035 You’re our grand prize winner today. 424 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:32,739 ( correct answer bell dings ) Congratulations. 425 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:36,776 I mean, what is with Oprah? I really wanna know. 426 00:19:36,810 --> 00:19:39,045 Well, we’ll talk about it later. 427 00:19:39,079 --> 00:19:40,246 But we’re out of time. 428 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,248 Thank you for coming to Stand-up and Win. 429 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:44,217 My name is Bobby Wheat! Thanks! 430 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:45,352 You’ve been great! 431 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,321 ( cheering and applause ) 432 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:57,731 This is not funny. 433 00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,100 ( school bell rings ) 434 00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:04,437 All right, let’s settle down, settle down. 435 00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,807 I’ve graded your tests, and I have to say 436 00:20:07,841 --> 00:20:11,411 I am more than a little bit disappointed. 437 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:16,282 In fact, I’ve decided I’m gonna throw them all out. 438 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:17,417 All right! 439 00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:21,187 Uh, I--I mean, oh, man. 440 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:24,290 I think I’ve been placing too much emphasis on details. 441 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,092 What I wanna do now is I want you to forget 442 00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:27,293 about memorizing dates. 443 00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:29,496 I want you to think history, okay? 444 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:32,465 We’re just gonna make each other think. 445 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:33,700 Okay? 446 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,069 Now is everybody with me on this? All right, good. 447 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,204 Let’s talk about the Battle of Britain 448 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,339 and the Lend-Lease Act. 449 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:43,009 How are these two events linked in history? 450 00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,612 Anybody got any thoughts? Sabrina. 451 00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:49,716 So the test that you threw out, that’s not gonna count? 452 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,651 No. No. 453 00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:53,953 Everybody got that? All right. 454 00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:55,088 Now back to the Battle of Britain 455 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,456 and the Lend-Lease Act. 456 00:20:56,489 --> 00:21:00,593 Roosevelt said that America must be the great arsenal 457 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,128 of democracy. 458 00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:03,430 Now what did he mean by that? 459 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,799 We must be the great arsenal. What does he mean? 460 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,067 Randy? 461 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:11,237 Um, that we had to be, uh... 462 00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,940 this big...arseno? 463 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:17,077 Arsenal, with an "L". 464 00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:18,445 Oh, right. 465 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:23,450 Um, that we needed to be, uh-- 466 00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:26,119 I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking. 467 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:28,455 Okay. Maybe that wasn’t a fair question. 468 00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:29,923 All right. 469 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:34,094 Now what country did Roosevelt want to supply with weapons? 470 00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:35,261 Who can tell me? What country? 471 00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,530 Remember, we’re talking about the battle of... 472 00:21:37,564 --> 00:21:40,934 What? Who could tell me? Lisa. 473 00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:42,936 Uh, Britain? 474 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:46,339 Yes! Good. You see, now we’re thinking history. 475 00:21:46,373 --> 00:21:48,675 Mr. Thompson? I was about to say Britain? 476 00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,277 That’s good. 477 00:21:51,311 --> 00:21:55,682 So Roosevelt wants to help Britain in the war against who? 478 00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:58,718 Who is Britain at war with? Who can tell me? 479 00:21:58,752 --> 00:22:00,954 Okay, let’s think now. 480 00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:05,225 What was happening in Europe in the 1930s? 481 00:22:05,258 --> 00:22:07,227 - Darlene? - Um, I thought you said 482 00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,863 that we weren’t gonna have to know dates? 483 00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:12,766 You’re right. 484 00:22:12,799 --> 00:22:13,900 Let me put it another way. 485 00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:17,070 In the decade before World War II, 486 00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,339 what was happening in Europe? 487 00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:22,075 France? 488 00:22:22,075 --> 00:22:23,343 - France? - Yeah. 489 00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,779 Yeah. France. But let’s think. 490 00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:29,783 What political group was in Europe at the time? 491 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:31,785 Um, the French? 492 00:22:33,553 --> 00:22:34,788 Yes. 493 00:22:34,821 --> 00:22:36,856 Mr. Thompson, the French are still in Europe today. 494 00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:40,894 Yeah, let’s just get off the French 495 00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,796 for a while, okay? 496 00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:44,330 Okay, sure. 497 00:22:44,364 --> 00:22:46,599 No, I’m sorry. I was just, Larry, making a point. 498 00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,435 There are French people in Europe, 499 00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:50,603 like Larry said, even today. 500 00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:55,542 You don’t have to write that down! 501 00:22:55,575 --> 00:22:58,011 It’s not gonna be on a test. 502 00:22:58,111 --> 00:22:59,145 All right, let’s think about 503 00:22:59,179 --> 00:23:00,847 some of the other countries in Europe. 504 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,049 Now name some of the other countries in Europe 505 00:23:03,083 --> 00:23:04,184 besides France. 506 00:23:07,053 --> 00:23:08,788 Let’s look at the map up here. 507 00:23:11,925 --> 00:23:14,761 Okay. Now where’s Europe on the map? 508 00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:18,765 Anyone? Where’s Europe? Is this Europe here? 509 00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:21,434 How many of you think this is Europe? Right there. 510 00:23:21,468 --> 00:23:24,137 Show of hands if you think this is Europe? 511 00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:27,741 You’re right, that is Europe. 512 00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:31,177 All right. Good, good, good, good. 513 00:23:31,211 --> 00:23:34,981 Now what are some of the countries in Europe? 514 00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:36,182 - Spain? - Uh-huh. 515 00:23:36,216 --> 00:23:38,651 Good. Anybody else? 516 00:23:38,685 --> 00:23:41,121 - Um, France? - Yes. 517 00:23:41,154 --> 00:23:43,790 Can someone name another? 518 00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:45,725 Germany. 519 00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:48,194 Yes! Germany! Yes! Very good! 520 00:23:48,228 --> 00:23:51,264 - Let’s talk about Germany. - Sweden? 521 00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:53,733 - Right. But let’s stick with Germany for a second. - Man: Egypt! 522 00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:56,870 Yeah. Let’s just go back to Germany, All right? 523 00:23:56,903 --> 00:24:01,141 Now what political group was in power in Germany 524 00:24:01,174 --> 00:24:02,475 at this time? 525 00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:06,546 Somebody wanna take this one? 526 00:24:06,579 --> 00:24:09,182 Larry? Randy? 527 00:24:09,215 --> 00:24:11,384 Who haven’t we heard from? 528 00:24:11,418 --> 00:24:15,121 How many of you saw Raiders of the Lost Ark? 529 00:24:15,155 --> 00:24:17,657 ( chuckles ) I have it on tape, I could bring it in? 530 00:24:17,691 --> 00:24:19,693 No. No, but thank you. 531 00:24:19,726 --> 00:24:23,763 Now who in the movie was Indiana Jones fighting 532 00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:26,332 besides the snakes? 533 00:24:26,366 --> 00:24:28,101 ( laughter ) 534 00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:32,072 ( applause ) 535 00:24:32,105 --> 00:24:34,974 He was fighting the Na... 536 00:24:35,075 --> 00:24:37,277 Students: Na... 537 00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:38,578 The Na... 538 00:24:38,611 --> 00:24:41,848 The Na...azis. 539 00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,149 Students: Nazis! 540 00:24:43,183 --> 00:24:45,418 Mr. Thompson, I’m sorry, I was gonna say Nazis! 541 00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:46,886 Okay. 542 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,255 So what did the Nazis do? 543 00:24:49,289 --> 00:24:50,790 Let’s think! 544 00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:53,259 Oh, uh, they tried to steal that lost ark 545 00:24:53,293 --> 00:24:56,096 and then all their faces melted at the end. 546 00:24:56,096 --> 00:24:57,697 No. 547 00:24:57,731 --> 00:25:00,734 - Oh, uh, they put up the Berlin Wall? - Oh, that’s right! 548 00:25:00,767 --> 00:25:02,802 No, they didn’t put up the Berlin Wall. 549 00:25:02,836 --> 00:25:04,504 - Yeah, yeah, they did. - No, they didn’t. 550 00:25:04,537 --> 00:25:06,539 Uh, are you sure? Because I think that they did. 551 00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:07,674 You’re thinking of the communists! 552 00:25:07,707 --> 00:25:10,043 - That was 1961! - Oh, yeah. 553 00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:12,712 Mr. Thompson, I thought that you said 554 00:25:12,746 --> 00:25:15,081 that we weren’t gonna have to know dates? 555 00:25:15,115 --> 00:25:16,616 I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 556 00:25:16,649 --> 00:25:19,386 I forgot. All right. 557 00:25:19,419 --> 00:25:22,322 Now the Nazis were in power in Germany. 558 00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:26,159 So who was England at war with 559 00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:28,328 during the Battle of Britain? 560 00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:29,963 And don’t say France. 561 00:25:30,063 --> 00:25:31,197 ( laughter ) 562 00:25:31,231 --> 00:25:35,268 Who can tell me? Not France, but... 563 00:25:35,301 --> 00:25:36,436 Take a guess! 564 00:25:36,469 --> 00:25:38,071 - Germany? - Yes! 565 00:25:38,071 --> 00:25:40,273 Germany? ’Cause I was about to say Germany. 566 00:25:40,306 --> 00:25:43,410 - Yes. - I’ve got a question. 567 00:25:43,443 --> 00:25:47,614 Uh, who came up with that name, Europe? 568 00:25:50,984 --> 00:25:53,653 You know, let’s, uh-- I think we’ve done enough today. 569 00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:57,624 Let’s just, uh, let’s read quietly. 570 00:25:57,657 --> 00:26:00,026 For the rest of the period, just--yeah, just everybody, 571 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,728 - read at your desks, everybody, just for today. - Mr. Thompson? 572 00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:03,697 - Yeah? - We never did get to find out 573 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:06,466 what that guy Roosevelt meant by the Great Arsenio. 574 00:26:06,499 --> 00:26:08,034 It doesn’t matter. 575 00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:09,736 In fact, Doug, why don’t you bring in your copy 576 00:26:09,769 --> 00:26:12,472 of Raiders of the Lost Arktomorrow? 577 00:26:12,505 --> 00:26:15,442 ( cheering and applause ) 578 00:26:22,682 --> 00:26:24,651 * 579 00:26:24,684 --> 00:26:27,721 Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon. 580 00:26:29,756 --> 00:26:32,692 ( cheering and applause ) 581 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,668 Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon 582 00:26:41,701 --> 00:26:44,404 and I’m a member of an all-white family. 583 00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:45,538 ( laughter ) 584 00:26:45,572 --> 00:26:47,807 Ronald Reagan escaped injury this week 585 00:26:47,841 --> 00:26:49,376 when a man rushed to Las Vegas stage 586 00:26:49,409 --> 00:26:50,710 and smashed the glass statue 587 00:26:50,744 --> 00:26:52,579 the ex-president had been presented with. 588 00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:53,913 The man was said to be incoherent, 589 00:26:53,947 --> 00:26:55,815 babbling and making no sense. 590 00:26:55,849 --> 00:26:57,283 There was no information yet on the attacker 591 00:26:57,317 --> 00:26:58,418 who rushed the stage. 592 00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:02,088 ( laughter ) 593 00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:04,124 Hoping to capitalize on the biggest ongoing story 594 00:27:04,157 --> 00:27:05,258 out of Washington, 595 00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:06,659 Ralston Purina is adding a new cereal 596 00:27:06,693 --> 00:27:07,894 to its line of Wheat Chex, 597 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,364 Rice Chex and Corn Chex called Congressional Chex. 598 00:27:11,398 --> 00:27:14,868 It’ll be the first cereal that goes snap, crackle and bounce. 599 00:27:14,901 --> 00:27:17,037 ( laughter ) 600 00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:19,239 With new ongoing allegations concerning Jerry Brown, 601 00:27:19,272 --> 00:27:20,840 voters will have to choose between a Democrat 602 00:27:20,874 --> 00:27:23,209 we think may have some done-- done some things 603 00:27:23,243 --> 00:27:25,712 on a Republican we know hasn’t done anything 604 00:27:25,745 --> 00:27:27,047 or something like that. 605 00:27:27,047 --> 00:27:29,149 ( laughter ) 606 00:27:29,182 --> 00:27:31,051 President Bush and, uh-- 607 00:27:31,084 --> 00:27:33,186 well, make that President and Mrs. Bush’s income tax 608 00:27:33,219 --> 00:27:34,621 was revealed this week and showed 609 00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:38,258 that the first lady received $881,000 in royalties 610 00:27:38,291 --> 00:27:40,427 from her book about Millie, the White House Dog. 611 00:27:40,460 --> 00:27:42,062 After learning how much money was involved, 612 00:27:42,062 --> 00:27:43,830 the president said he was hard at work 613 00:27:43,863 --> 00:27:46,533 on his own new book, Roy, the White House Hamster. 614 00:27:46,566 --> 00:27:48,735 ( laughter ) 615 00:27:48,768 --> 00:27:51,371 The last pieces of the Dead Sea scrolls 616 00:27:51,404 --> 00:27:52,706 will finally be made public. 617 00:27:52,739 --> 00:27:54,574 Access was held up because of the accumulation 618 00:27:54,607 --> 00:27:57,344 of bat dung in caves near the Dead Sea. 619 00:27:57,377 --> 00:27:59,512 Batman has made a public apology. 620 00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:01,247 ( laughter ) 621 00:28:01,281 --> 00:28:02,916 Scholars will soon release the last fragments, 622 00:28:03,016 --> 00:28:04,851 and so far, according to what we have of the scrolls, 623 00:28:04,884 --> 00:28:08,188 Moses bounced the most checks with 998, 624 00:28:08,221 --> 00:28:11,658 next to Judas who had 983. 625 00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:16,029 ( applause ) 626 00:28:16,062 --> 00:28:17,797 A worker at the National Weather Service 627 00:28:17,831 --> 00:28:20,100 went insane this week when during a routine polling count, 628 00:28:20,133 --> 00:28:22,435 he lost track and had to start all over from the beginning. 629 00:28:22,469 --> 00:28:24,437 ( laughter ) 630 00:28:26,339 --> 00:28:29,109 I don’t know if, uh, if you like me, 631 00:28:29,142 --> 00:28:31,544 you’re 6’4", named Kevin. 632 00:28:33,813 --> 00:28:35,815 Commuters breathe a sigh of relief, Thursday, 633 00:28:35,849 --> 00:28:38,785 as Chicago got its new rapid transit system up and running. 634 00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:44,524 Scientists are now saying that the Great Chicago Flood of 1992 635 00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:46,426 would not have been a problem had it only happened 636 00:28:46,459 --> 00:28:48,695 during the Great Chicago Fire of 1871. 637 00:28:48,728 --> 00:28:51,297 ( laughter ) 638 00:28:51,331 --> 00:28:53,433 In Afghanistan, at noon on Tuesday, 639 00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:57,070 deposed President Najibullah went into seclusion in Kabul 640 00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:58,972 ending his rule. 641 00:28:59,072 --> 00:29:01,741 While the rebel held hamlet of cherry con, 642 00:29:01,775 --> 00:29:05,278 Ahmad Shah Massoud met with foreign minister Abdul Wakil 643 00:29:05,311 --> 00:29:08,415 concerning the rival rebels Hasabil Hassan Ali, 644 00:29:08,448 --> 00:29:11,618 Khadul Sharpip, Abad Lidikazadandul, 645 00:29:11,651 --> 00:29:14,154 McDrop Darry De Mana. 646 00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:16,289 More on this story as my tongue unfolds. 647 00:29:16,322 --> 00:29:17,390 ( laughter ) 648 00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:21,261 The Doolittle raiders gathered in Colombia this week 649 00:29:21,294 --> 00:29:22,862 to commemorate the 50th anniversary 650 00:29:22,896 --> 00:29:24,564 of their daring raid on Japan. 651 00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:26,433 And on Capitol Hill, preparations were being made 652 00:29:26,466 --> 00:29:27,734 to celebrate the fourth anniversary 653 00:29:27,767 --> 00:29:29,703 of the Doolittle administration. 654 00:29:29,736 --> 00:29:31,338 ( laughter ) 655 00:29:31,371 --> 00:29:34,207 The Democrat campaign is focused on Pennsylvania this week. 656 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,543 And now, a closer look at this story. 657 00:29:36,576 --> 00:29:40,680 The Democrat campaign is focused on Pennsylvania this week. 658 00:29:43,183 --> 00:29:45,285 Due to the FAA’s new deicing rules, 659 00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:47,454 airlines will no longer be able to serve drinks with ice 660 00:29:47,487 --> 00:29:49,189 within 30 minutes of takeoff. 661 00:29:49,222 --> 00:29:51,257 ( laughter ) 662 00:29:51,291 --> 00:29:52,659 And the Greyhound bus company 663 00:29:52,692 --> 00:29:54,828 announced that it will install radar on all of its buses 664 00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:56,262 in order to prevent collisions. 665 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:57,664 Many of the buses will also be equipped 666 00:29:57,697 --> 00:30:00,834 with artillery guns to blow away slow moving cars. 667 00:30:00,867 --> 00:30:02,335 ( laughter ) 668 00:30:02,369 --> 00:30:04,404 And now, recapping some of this week’s names in the news, 669 00:30:04,437 --> 00:30:06,606 is special update correspondent Opera Man. 670 00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,041 Opera Man. 671 00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:12,212 * Good day to you, Kevin Good day to you * 672 00:30:12,245 --> 00:30:15,181 * 673 00:31:46,339 --> 00:31:49,275 ( cheering and applause ) 674 00:32:02,055 --> 00:32:04,657 Grazie! Grazie! 675 00:32:04,691 --> 00:32:06,459 Grazie, Kevin! 676 00:32:06,493 --> 00:32:07,927 Grazie! 677 00:32:11,064 --> 00:32:13,566 Yes, Leona Helmsley entered prison this week 678 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,769 to begin a four-year sentence for tax evasion. 679 00:32:15,802 --> 00:32:17,504 Leona had her haircut just before entering 680 00:32:17,537 --> 00:32:20,206 the Kentucky prison and now says she’s ready to blend in 681 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:21,875 with the rest of the prison population. 682 00:32:21,908 --> 00:32:24,844 ( laughter ) 683 00:32:27,414 --> 00:32:28,515 When Leona went to prison, 684 00:32:28,548 --> 00:32:29,783 her husband turned off the lights 685 00:32:29,816 --> 00:32:30,950 on the Empire State Building. 686 00:32:30,984 --> 00:32:32,385 Harry said he turned off the lights 687 00:32:32,419 --> 00:32:35,088 because he feared she might be able to find her way back. 688 00:32:35,088 --> 00:32:37,390 ( laughter, applause ) 689 00:32:39,459 --> 00:32:42,662 We’re about to conduct a test of the emergency broadcast system. 690 00:32:42,696 --> 00:32:45,098 This is only a test. 691 00:32:45,131 --> 00:32:48,101 ( imitates tone test beeping ) 692 00:32:51,905 --> 00:32:54,841 ( beeping continues ) 693 00:33:01,548 --> 00:33:02,916 If this had been a real emergency, 694 00:33:02,949 --> 00:33:05,085 I would have yelled and ran out of the studio... 695 00:33:05,118 --> 00:33:07,687 ( laughter ) but this was just a test. 696 00:33:09,456 --> 00:33:10,657 This week, after years of construction 697 00:33:10,690 --> 00:33:11,791 and millions of dollars, 698 00:33:11,825 --> 00:33:13,827 Euro Disney finally opened outside Paris. 699 00:33:13,860 --> 00:33:15,628 As expected, the French immediately held Goofy 700 00:33:15,662 --> 00:33:17,063 as a genius. 701 00:33:17,063 --> 00:33:19,232 ( laughter ) 702 00:33:21,301 --> 00:33:23,870 A poll in Oregon indicated that close to two-thirds 703 00:33:23,903 --> 00:33:26,072 of all Oregon voters favor saving logging jobs 704 00:33:26,106 --> 00:33:27,474 rather than preserving the habitat 705 00:33:27,507 --> 00:33:28,875 of the endangered spotted owl. 706 00:33:28,908 --> 00:33:30,443 Meanwhile, in a poll of spotted owls, 707 00:33:30,477 --> 00:33:32,612 93 percent favored saving the habitat 708 00:33:32,645 --> 00:33:35,448 while the other 7 percent just answered, "Hoot." 709 00:33:35,482 --> 00:33:37,550 ( laughter ) 710 00:33:37,584 --> 00:33:41,321 The Gay Games are scheduled to come to New York in 1994. 711 00:33:41,354 --> 00:33:42,722 The games are the same as the Olympics, 712 00:33:42,756 --> 00:33:45,892 except Greco-Roman wrestling will be a team event. 713 00:33:45,925 --> 00:33:47,994 ( laughter ) 714 00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:50,330 Also, the biathlon will be opened to biathletes, 715 00:33:50,363 --> 00:33:53,099 although the triathlon is still against the law. 716 00:33:53,099 --> 00:33:56,102 ( laughter ) 717 00:33:56,136 --> 00:33:58,405 And finally, authorities have located escaped murderer 718 00:33:58,438 --> 00:34:00,040 and ex-playboy bunny Bambi Bembenek 719 00:34:00,073 --> 00:34:01,174 in Canada this week. 720 00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,308 They thought Bambi-- 721 00:34:02,342 --> 00:34:03,743 They caught Bambi after she was startled 722 00:34:03,777 --> 00:34:05,645 by some oncoming headlights. 723 00:34:05,679 --> 00:34:06,846 ( laughter ) 724 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,948 I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me. 725 00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:11,951 ( cheering and applause ) 726 00:34:12,052 --> 00:34:14,921 * 727 00:34:20,427 --> 00:34:23,830 So, now we come to the portion of the Seder, 728 00:34:23,863 --> 00:34:26,232 where we say the Elijah prayer. 729 00:34:26,266 --> 00:34:28,068 - When can we eat? - Shut up! 730 00:34:28,068 --> 00:34:29,769 - But I’m hungry. - You open your mouth again, 731 00:34:29,803 --> 00:34:31,604 I’m gonna pour that horseradish down your throat. 732 00:34:31,638 --> 00:34:32,739 Oh, yeah, I’m shaking. 733 00:34:32,772 --> 00:34:34,074 Manny! 734 00:34:34,074 --> 00:34:36,810 I can’t believe this. It’s Friday night. 735 00:34:36,843 --> 00:34:38,078 One Friday night out of the year 736 00:34:38,111 --> 00:34:39,546 you could spend with your family. 737 00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:41,348 Yeah, why should we have to suffer alone? 738 00:34:41,381 --> 00:34:42,482 Just shut up! 739 00:34:42,515 --> 00:34:44,284 Go ahead, pop. 740 00:34:44,317 --> 00:34:47,487 This is where we pour the wine into the goblet 741 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,789 and open the door so that Elijah ( knocks on door ) 742 00:34:49,823 --> 00:34:52,225 - can come in to drink the wine. - I’ll get it. 743 00:34:52,258 --> 00:34:53,360 - I’ll do it. - I’ll do it. 744 00:34:53,393 --> 00:34:54,494 ( indistinct shouting ) 745 00:34:54,527 --> 00:34:55,962 I’ll break your hand. 746 00:34:55,995 --> 00:34:57,897 What’s the difference? It’s the same thing every year! 747 00:34:57,931 --> 00:35:00,934 You open the door, get scruffy, and the soup gets cold. 748 00:35:01,034 --> 00:35:02,936 Somebody open the door! 749 00:35:03,036 --> 00:35:04,170 Just calm down, pop. 750 00:35:04,204 --> 00:35:05,705 All right, both you guys, sit down. 751 00:35:05,739 --> 00:35:07,807 Get out of here. I’ll get the door. 752 00:35:10,610 --> 00:35:13,713 Manny, what are you doing? Open the door! 753 00:35:15,515 --> 00:35:17,050 Please, what the hell are you doing here? 754 00:35:17,050 --> 00:35:19,619 You know how long I’m standing out there? 755 00:35:19,652 --> 00:35:23,456 Pick up the phase people, pick up the phase. 756 00:35:23,490 --> 00:35:25,158 ( laughter ) 757 00:35:25,191 --> 00:35:29,062 I wish Nike made a sandal with a pump. 758 00:35:29,095 --> 00:35:30,196 Who the hell are you? 759 00:35:30,230 --> 00:35:32,298 Who the hell am I? What are you, dense? 760 00:35:32,332 --> 00:35:34,067 I’ll give you a hint. 761 00:35:34,067 --> 00:35:35,502 What is this, man, a Shevat? 762 00:35:35,535 --> 00:35:39,172 How the hell do you drink this well? 763 00:35:39,205 --> 00:35:42,108 - You mean you’re... - That’s right. 764 00:35:42,142 --> 00:35:43,610 I’m Elijah the Prophet. 765 00:35:43,643 --> 00:35:47,080 You got a problem with that? 766 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,083 Complain to the big guy upstairs. 767 00:35:50,083 --> 00:35:51,785 God! Got anything decent to drink? 768 00:35:51,818 --> 00:35:55,655 I wouldn’t serve this pot of water to the Philistines. 769 00:35:55,689 --> 00:35:57,791 Kid, go check the liquor cabinet if you mind, huh, 770 00:35:57,824 --> 00:35:59,592 while I take a load off. 771 00:35:59,626 --> 00:36:02,829 Let me help you with that soup. 772 00:36:02,862 --> 00:36:05,298 Geez, what is this a matzo ball? 773 00:36:05,331 --> 00:36:09,035 Are you gonna put a chain on it and demolish a building? 774 00:36:09,035 --> 00:36:12,072 - What’s the matter, you don’t like the soup? - Like it? 775 00:36:12,105 --> 00:36:14,407 There’s more salt in this soup than in the Dead Sea. 776 00:36:14,441 --> 00:36:18,078 Come on, lady, some of us wanna live. 777 00:36:18,111 --> 00:36:20,180 What happen? Did lots of white fall in the pot? 778 00:36:20,213 --> 00:36:22,349 Why don’t we call up for a pizza? 779 00:36:22,382 --> 00:36:25,485 Come on, bring me a menu. 780 00:36:25,518 --> 00:36:27,454 But pizza’s made with leavened bread. 781 00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:28,588 I thought during Passover, 782 00:36:28,621 --> 00:36:29,856 we weren’t supposed to eat leavened bread? 783 00:36:29,889 --> 00:36:31,891 Let me tell you something, kid. 784 00:36:31,925 --> 00:36:33,960 If there’s one thing you should learn about Passover, 785 00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:36,596 don’t mess with Elijah the Prophet. 786 00:36:36,629 --> 00:36:38,798 Cheer up, grandpa. 787 00:36:38,832 --> 00:36:41,801 I’ll tell you a little secret. 788 00:36:41,835 --> 00:36:44,804 September 24th, in your sleep. 789 00:36:44,838 --> 00:36:49,175 ( cheering ) 790 00:36:49,209 --> 00:36:50,777 Hey, what’s your name? 791 00:36:50,810 --> 00:36:54,114 - Lisa. - Lisa, that’s a nice name. 792 00:36:54,147 --> 00:36:56,750 I’m Elijah the Prophet. How are you doing? 793 00:36:56,783 --> 00:36:57,884 Fine. 794 00:36:57,917 --> 00:36:59,285 Hey, if you got a little kosher 795 00:36:59,319 --> 00:37:01,187 for Passover sticking around your tush, 796 00:37:01,221 --> 00:37:03,723 I got a little Passover present for you. 797 00:37:03,757 --> 00:37:05,058 No, thanks! 798 00:37:05,091 --> 00:37:07,394 Yeah? How would you like to come on the road with Elijah? 799 00:37:07,427 --> 00:37:11,031 Door to door, drinking wine. It’s a nonstop party. Come on. 800 00:37:11,031 --> 00:37:12,265 We’ll play hide the [INAUDIBLE], 801 00:37:12,298 --> 00:37:14,534 only I promise, you’ll find it. 802 00:37:14,567 --> 00:37:16,803 ( laughter, applause ) 803 00:37:16,836 --> 00:37:18,038 You’re gross! 804 00:37:18,038 --> 00:37:20,640 Oh, come on, baby, I’m Elijah the Prophet. 805 00:37:20,674 --> 00:37:25,378 I was swinging with Queen Esther before you were born, okay? 806 00:37:25,412 --> 00:37:28,081 Wait, wait. Where you going? Let me pop the four questions. 807 00:37:28,114 --> 00:37:31,184 - Number one, are you a virgin? - Yes. 808 00:37:31,217 --> 00:37:33,253 Well, then forget the other three questions. 809 00:37:33,286 --> 00:37:34,454 ( laughter ) 810 00:37:34,487 --> 00:37:36,256 ( applause ) 811 00:37:36,289 --> 00:37:39,559 Hey, mom, your daughter just blow off Elijah the Prophet. 812 00:37:39,592 --> 00:37:41,361 I’m not gonna-- That’s not gonna sit too well 813 00:37:41,394 --> 00:37:44,064 on the Book of Judgment, if you know what I mean. 814 00:37:44,064 --> 00:37:47,600 Op. Oh, look at what he did. 815 00:37:47,634 --> 00:37:49,235 I didn’t do it. I didn’t do it. 816 00:37:49,269 --> 00:37:50,804 Oh, Dad, who are you gonna believe? 817 00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:54,474 Your little pimple-faced kid or Elijah the Prophet, huh? 818 00:37:54,507 --> 00:37:58,078 What are you doing here? Why did you choose us? 819 00:37:58,111 --> 00:38:00,046 Do you mind, didn’t I? Yeah, it’s like jury duty. 820 00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,482 Everybody gets chosen eventually. 821 00:38:02,515 --> 00:38:04,451 Quite frankly, it’s a pain in the rear end. 822 00:38:04,484 --> 00:38:06,019 You should’ve been around in the old days. 823 00:38:06,019 --> 00:38:09,656 Me and the boys running around spraying blood on people’s doors 824 00:38:09,689 --> 00:38:11,891 so God wouldn’t whack the first born. 825 00:38:11,925 --> 00:38:13,793 That’s a Seder. 826 00:38:13,827 --> 00:38:15,128 This is lame-o. 827 00:38:17,063 --> 00:38:19,499 Are you staying for dinner? Should we set a plate? 828 00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:21,468 Darling, if that soup is any indication, 829 00:38:21,501 --> 00:38:24,337 I’ll be picking up something at McDonalds. 830 00:38:24,371 --> 00:38:27,874 All right, I thought Elijah came in times of trouble 831 00:38:27,907 --> 00:38:30,143 to lift our spirits and give us hope. 832 00:38:30,176 --> 00:38:32,946 I thought the appearance of Elijah 833 00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:35,315 will precede the arrival of the messiah, 834 00:38:35,348 --> 00:38:37,517 and with it, peace on Earth. 835 00:38:37,550 --> 00:38:38,918 ( doorbell dings ) 836 00:38:38,952 --> 00:38:41,721 Here he is now, right on time. 837 00:38:45,258 --> 00:38:47,394 - Hey! - Hey! 838 00:38:47,427 --> 00:38:49,529 How are you doing? 839 00:38:49,562 --> 00:38:52,065 Where’s the wine? 840 00:38:52,065 --> 00:38:55,068 ( cheering and applause ) 841 00:38:59,806 --> 00:39:01,274 Hey, Dan, how’s that coming? 842 00:39:01,307 --> 00:39:03,109 Oh, pretty good, it’s, uh-- 843 00:39:03,143 --> 00:39:04,844 Is that the third quarter report you’re looking at? 844 00:39:04,878 --> 00:39:07,113 Yeah. Take a look at these numbers. 845 00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:08,581 Okay. 846 00:39:10,784 --> 00:39:12,252 Here’s what I’m concerned about. 847 00:39:12,285 --> 00:39:14,020 Yeah. That’s probably left over from the, uh-- 848 00:39:14,054 --> 00:39:15,221 ( fax machine beeps ) 849 00:39:15,255 --> 00:39:16,456 That’s the fax. I’ll get it. 850 00:39:24,931 --> 00:39:26,433 Hey, everybody. 851 00:39:26,466 --> 00:39:27,867 - Hey, Ed. - Ed. 852 00:39:27,901 --> 00:39:29,602 What’s the good word? 853 00:39:29,636 --> 00:39:31,171 Oh, just a couple of discrepancies 854 00:39:31,204 --> 00:39:32,672 on the third quarter report. 855 00:39:32,706 --> 00:39:34,407 Oh, don’t sweat it, Dan. 856 00:39:34,441 --> 00:39:37,077 I checked it out against yesterday’s draft. 857 00:39:37,110 --> 00:39:41,481 That’s just a clerical. No problem. 858 00:39:41,514 --> 00:39:45,352 Hey, Ed, I left those blueprints on your desk. 859 00:39:45,385 --> 00:39:47,053 - Could you look at them? - Sure, Dave. 860 00:39:47,053 --> 00:39:48,855 Just give me a minute. 861 00:39:50,724 --> 00:39:53,159 Excuse me, uh, could you tell me where the, uh-- 862 00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:54,694 It’s down the hall, second door on your left. 863 00:39:54,728 --> 00:39:55,862 Thanks a lot. 864 00:39:55,895 --> 00:39:59,733 ( laughter, applause ) 865 00:39:59,766 --> 00:40:01,468 - Hey, guys! - Hey, Suzanne! 866 00:40:01,501 --> 00:40:02,602 - Suzanne! - How are you? 867 00:40:02,635 --> 00:40:06,239 - Ed: Hi, Suzanne. - Hi. 868 00:40:06,272 --> 00:40:08,174 Ed, I’m worried about Suzanne. 869 00:40:08,208 --> 00:40:09,409 I don’t think she’s working out. 870 00:40:09,442 --> 00:40:12,212 I know. She, uh-- 871 00:40:12,245 --> 00:40:13,847 Walk with me. 872 00:40:18,385 --> 00:40:19,552 I don’t know what it is. 873 00:40:19,586 --> 00:40:21,654 She just doesn’t seem to be fitting in. 874 00:40:21,688 --> 00:40:23,656 Yeah. 875 00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:25,325 Well, maybe we’re not making an effort. 876 00:40:25,358 --> 00:40:28,194 - I think it’s her. - Hey, wait. Take a look. 877 00:40:28,228 --> 00:40:30,697 - Hey! - Hey! 878 00:40:30,730 --> 00:40:32,198 Hey, guys! 879 00:40:32,232 --> 00:40:34,100 - Oh. - Oh. 880 00:40:34,134 --> 00:40:36,670 Hey, how’s the third quarter report coming? 881 00:40:36,703 --> 00:40:38,038 - Great! - Great. 882 00:40:38,071 --> 00:40:40,140 You wanna take a look at it? 883 00:40:40,173 --> 00:40:41,541 - Sure! - Hey, Suzanne, 884 00:40:41,574 --> 00:40:43,777 we’re having a company softball game this weekend. 885 00:40:43,810 --> 00:40:45,111 Would you like to join us? 886 00:40:45,145 --> 00:40:46,279 Yeah, I’d love to. 887 00:40:46,312 --> 00:40:48,081 Holy smokes! Here comes the boss! 888 00:40:48,114 --> 00:40:49,382 Oh, no. 889 00:40:55,955 --> 00:40:57,390 - Hi, everyone. - Hi, boss. 890 00:40:57,424 --> 00:40:58,992 - Hey, boss! - How you doing? 891 00:40:59,025 --> 00:41:01,628 - I’m glad to see everybody busy. - Yes, sir. 892 00:41:01,661 --> 00:41:04,397 Jenkins, is your outline ready for tomorrow’s presentation? 893 00:41:04,431 --> 00:41:05,865 Uh, right here, sir. 894 00:41:08,335 --> 00:41:12,072 Hm. Oh, yes. 895 00:41:12,072 --> 00:41:14,674 Yes, this should be very interesting. 896 00:41:16,743 --> 00:41:18,611 ( laughter ) 897 00:41:18,645 --> 00:41:21,081 He’s a tough customer. 898 00:41:21,081 --> 00:41:24,150 Yeah, but it’s great to watch him work. 899 00:41:24,184 --> 00:41:27,120 ( cheering and applause ) 900 00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:33,293 * 901 00:41:33,326 --> 00:41:35,095 Announcer: Live from the Marcy project, 902 00:41:35,128 --> 00:41:38,398 it’sI’m Chillin’. 903 00:41:49,609 --> 00:41:50,710 Yo, what’s up? What’s up? 904 00:41:50,744 --> 00:41:52,112 Welcome to I’m chillin’, 905 00:41:52,112 --> 00:41:55,949 the pro-pro-program for the ho-ho-hogram. 906 00:41:55,982 --> 00:41:59,386 I’m your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T-O-P. 907 00:41:59,419 --> 00:42:01,287 Yo, it’s all about money. 908 00:42:01,321 --> 00:42:05,258 And sitting by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam, 909 00:42:05,291 --> 00:42:08,061 my ace pontoon, my brand-new toon, 910 00:42:08,061 --> 00:42:10,697 my Vidal Sassoon, my Looney toon, 911 00:42:10,730 --> 00:42:14,634 my Daniel Boone, my ancient rune, my big balloon, 912 00:42:14,668 --> 00:42:17,370 my wrinkled prune, my golden bloom, 913 00:42:17,404 --> 00:42:19,773 my cat in the cradle in the a silver spoon, 914 00:42:19,806 --> 00:42:22,609 little boy blue and the man on a mason! 915 00:42:22,642 --> 00:42:25,478 It’s B-Fats! Yo, B, tell them how you feel. 916 00:42:25,512 --> 00:42:26,613 Yo! 917 00:42:26,646 --> 00:42:29,582 ( cheering and applause ) 918 00:42:29,616 --> 00:42:31,985 Yo, I’m making more dough than Charley Channing, 919 00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:35,121 clocking more host than Ed McMahon. 920 00:42:35,155 --> 00:42:36,790 Yo, I hear that. I hear that. 921 00:42:36,823 --> 00:42:38,324 Now before I start the show, 922 00:42:38,358 --> 00:42:40,660 I wanna say what’s up to our new sponsor. That’s right. 923 00:42:40,694 --> 00:42:43,596 I wanna say what’s up to Bullet Hole Tampons. 924 00:42:43,630 --> 00:42:44,731 That’s right. 925 00:42:44,764 --> 00:42:46,132 Bullet Hole Tampons, 926 00:42:46,166 --> 00:42:48,335 ’cause sometimes you’ll bleed in other places. 927 00:42:48,368 --> 00:42:49,803 You know what I’m saying? 928 00:42:51,838 --> 00:42:55,241 Yo, Onski, did you see the Oscars on TV? 929 00:42:55,275 --> 00:42:57,477 Well, what’s up with that Silence of the Lambs 930 00:42:57,510 --> 00:42:58,945 winning everything? 931 00:42:58,978 --> 00:43:01,648 I mean, it was okay but it was no Jaws! 932 00:43:01,681 --> 00:43:05,051 Yeah, man, you know , Jaws was all that in a Fotomat, man. 933 00:43:05,085 --> 00:43:06,186 I mean, Jawshad it all. 934 00:43:06,219 --> 00:43:09,222 They had murder, violence, killing, stealing. 935 00:43:09,255 --> 00:43:12,559 And that was just in the lobby, man! 936 00:43:12,592 --> 00:43:14,894 You know, man, you’re funnier than Sinbad. 937 00:43:14,928 --> 00:43:16,262 But check this out. 938 00:43:16,296 --> 00:43:19,265 Silence of the Lambs wasn’t totally whacked. 939 00:43:19,299 --> 00:43:22,702 I mean, my man was cold, eating people. 940 00:43:22,736 --> 00:43:24,137 Yeah, man. You know, that bugged me up. 941 00:43:24,170 --> 00:43:26,539 Man, I mean, what’s the proper way to eat people? 942 00:43:26,573 --> 00:43:28,641 I mean, dude, when you’re eating a finger, man, 943 00:43:28,675 --> 00:43:30,744 do you use a fork or do you use your hands? 944 00:43:30,777 --> 00:43:32,846 I mean, what do you do with the blood, man? 945 00:43:32,879 --> 00:43:34,180 I mean, do you use a spoon 946 00:43:34,214 --> 00:43:36,182 or do you slap it up with a biscuit, man? 947 00:43:36,216 --> 00:43:37,450 What’s up with that, man 948 00:43:37,484 --> 00:43:39,285 Yo, later, Bizee. It’s about that time. 949 00:43:39,319 --> 00:43:41,454 - Time to bust a rhyme? - No, B. 950 00:43:41,488 --> 00:43:43,890 - Time to change my line? - No, B! 951 00:43:43,923 --> 00:43:45,992 It’s time for the Mother Joke of the Day. 952 00:43:46,092 --> 00:43:49,929 Yo, today’s Mother Joke was sent to us by Mei-Mei Brown 953 00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:51,431 at the Red Hook Projects. 954 00:43:51,464 --> 00:43:53,500 Mei-Mei just moved in the new building 955 00:43:53,533 --> 00:43:55,301 with a urine-free elevator. 956 00:43:55,335 --> 00:43:57,303 Yo, congratulations, Mei-Mei. 957 00:43:57,337 --> 00:43:59,639 And it goes a little something like this. 958 00:43:59,673 --> 00:44:01,274 "Your mother’s glasses are so thick, 959 00:44:01,307 --> 00:44:04,444 when she looks at a map, she could see people waving." 960 00:44:04,477 --> 00:44:07,781 Yo, Don Pardo, tell her what she wins! 961 00:44:07,814 --> 00:44:09,549 Don Pardo: You win an "O" hat. 962 00:44:09,582 --> 00:44:11,184 That’s right, "O" hat. 963 00:44:11,217 --> 00:44:14,354 Be the only person on the block without an "X" hat. 964 00:44:14,387 --> 00:44:17,223 Play tic-tac-toe with your friends. 965 00:44:17,257 --> 00:44:19,459 Yo, yo, yo, yo! 966 00:44:19,492 --> 00:44:22,362 Right now, we’re gonna catch a new video from ECE. 967 00:44:22,395 --> 00:44:25,365 It’s a love song. It’s called "Help, Don’t Yell." 968 00:44:25,398 --> 00:44:26,599 ( alarm beeps ) 969 00:44:26,633 --> 00:44:28,468 Oh, man, yo, we got to check that out next week. 970 00:44:28,501 --> 00:44:30,236 Right now, I got to go pick up my baby’s mother 971 00:44:30,270 --> 00:44:33,073 from her G-E-D class and get home real quick 972 00:44:33,073 --> 00:44:35,208 so I can catch the Def Comedy Jam. 973 00:44:35,241 --> 00:44:37,344 Remember, always wipe and stay off the pipe. 974 00:44:37,377 --> 00:44:40,347 And if a sucker gets ill, tell them, "I’m chilling." 975 00:44:40,380 --> 00:44:42,148 * 976 00:44:42,182 --> 00:44:45,118 ( cheering and applause ) 977 00:44:49,155 --> 00:44:51,091 Announcer: So astonishingly affordable. 978 00:44:51,091 --> 00:44:54,561 For a free brochure, see your travel agent or call right now. 979 00:44:54,594 --> 00:44:57,997 In Metropolis, the number is 555-3900. 980 00:44:58,098 --> 00:45:00,667 That’s 555-3900. 981 00:45:00,700 --> 00:45:02,168 * 982 00:45:02,202 --> 00:45:05,805 Live from Metropolis, this isThe Lenny Wise Show. 983 00:45:05,839 --> 00:45:10,710 Here once again, the host of our program, Lenny Wise. 984 00:45:10,744 --> 00:45:13,179 What’s your biggest regret? Or, uh-- 985 00:45:13,213 --> 00:45:15,148 Let me put it another way, if you had one wish, 986 00:45:15,181 --> 00:45:16,716 - what would it be? - Hmm. 987 00:45:16,750 --> 00:45:18,118 I’d like to go back to Krypton. 988 00:45:18,151 --> 00:45:20,053 To go back to Krypton, that’s what where like to go. 989 00:45:20,086 --> 00:45:22,856 I like to see what it was like before it blew up. 990 00:45:22,889 --> 00:45:24,824 Your father was a brilliant man. 991 00:45:24,858 --> 00:45:27,193 I’m talking about your real father, Jor-El. 992 00:45:27,227 --> 00:45:29,129 Oh, yeah. He was Krypton’s greatest scientist. 993 00:45:29,162 --> 00:45:31,431 But the sad thing was, they didn’t listen to him. 994 00:45:31,464 --> 00:45:34,367 - Did your mother work? - I don’t know. Maybe. 995 00:45:34,401 --> 00:45:35,802 Before I was born, I don’t know. 996 00:45:35,835 --> 00:45:37,804 Because, you know, don’t forget, I was still a baby 997 00:45:37,837 --> 00:45:39,506 when the whole planet blew up. 998 00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,375 Our guest is Superman. The lines are open. 999 00:45:42,409 --> 00:45:45,779 When you get up in the morning, do you think about kryptonite? 1000 00:45:45,812 --> 00:45:47,414 Is it something that’s on your mind? 1001 00:45:47,447 --> 00:45:48,782 I mean, do you say, "Uh-oh! 1002 00:45:48,815 --> 00:45:50,583 I hope I don’t run across some kryptonite today." 1003 00:45:50,617 --> 00:45:52,085 Not really. No. 1004 00:45:52,085 --> 00:45:53,620 I--I don’t think you can live your life 1005 00:45:53,653 --> 00:45:54,754 worried about kryptonite. 1006 00:45:54,788 --> 00:45:56,523 You know, I just try and go about my business, 1007 00:45:56,556 --> 00:45:58,124 and I don’t think about it. 1008 00:45:58,158 --> 00:46:01,327 How much kryptonite do you think is out there? 1009 00:46:01,361 --> 00:46:03,830 - I have no idea. - No idea? 1010 00:46:03,863 --> 00:46:05,532 No. I mean, it could be anything. 1011 00:46:05,565 --> 00:46:07,467 Does it make you uncomfortable discussing kryptonite? 1012 00:46:07,500 --> 00:46:08,935 No, not really. 1013 00:46:09,035 --> 00:46:11,171 But like I said, it’s just something I can’t control, 1014 00:46:11,204 --> 00:46:13,373 so why worry about it? 1015 00:46:13,406 --> 00:46:15,709 Does it bother you that you can’t see through lead? 1016 00:46:15,742 --> 00:46:18,044 It did at the beginning, yeah. 1017 00:46:18,044 --> 00:46:19,679 I remember the first time that it happened. 1018 00:46:19,713 --> 00:46:22,916 I said, "Hey, what the heck is going on here?" 1019 00:46:22,949 --> 00:46:25,051 But you know, eventually, I got used to it. 1020 00:46:25,051 --> 00:46:27,153 You stopped aging when? 1021 00:46:27,187 --> 00:46:28,555 When I was 30. 1022 00:46:28,588 --> 00:46:30,256 Because, if you were born on this planet, 1023 00:46:30,290 --> 00:46:32,158 you would be, what, in your 50s now, no? 1024 00:46:32,192 --> 00:46:33,793 Yeah. That’s just about right. 1025 00:46:33,827 --> 00:46:36,896 Let’s take a call! Okay, Smallville, Indiana. 1026 00:46:36,930 --> 00:46:38,631 Al: Hello, Superman? 1027 00:46:38,665 --> 00:46:40,066 Yes, hello, sir. 1028 00:46:40,066 --> 00:46:42,669 Superman? This is--This is Al McKay. 1029 00:46:42,702 --> 00:46:44,170 Remember? 1030 00:46:44,204 --> 00:46:46,940 I--I used to live three houses down from Lex Luthor? 1031 00:46:46,973 --> 00:46:48,608 On Pine Street? 1032 00:46:48,641 --> 00:46:50,610 Oh, yes. Yes. How are you, Mr. McKay? 1033 00:46:50,643 --> 00:46:51,745 What’s your question? 1034 00:46:51,778 --> 00:46:54,581 Just wanted to say hello. 1035 00:46:54,614 --> 00:46:58,251 - You knew Lex Luthor in Smallville, right? - Yes, that’s right, Len. 1036 00:46:58,284 --> 00:47:00,020 And the two of you used to be good friends. 1037 00:47:00,020 --> 00:47:01,388 - Right. - What happened? 1038 00:47:01,421 --> 00:47:03,156 Well, this one day, I flew over his house, 1039 00:47:03,189 --> 00:47:05,258 and I accidentally set his lab on fire, 1040 00:47:05,291 --> 00:47:06,726 and that’s how he became bald. 1041 00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:09,062 And I’m afraid he’s had it in for me ever since. 1042 00:47:09,095 --> 00:47:10,697 Did you ever sit down with the guy and say, 1043 00:47:10,730 --> 00:47:12,532 "Hey, Lex, come on, it was an accident!" 1044 00:47:12,565 --> 00:47:14,367 Oh, sure. 1045 00:47:14,401 --> 00:47:15,935 - No dice? - No. 1046 00:47:16,036 --> 00:47:18,938 He’s a pretty strange fellow. 1047 00:47:19,039 --> 00:47:20,807 What do you do for fun? How do you relax? 1048 00:47:20,840 --> 00:47:23,109 I like to play scrabble. 1049 00:47:25,178 --> 00:47:27,147 Do you play in costume, or in your secret identity? 1050 00:47:27,180 --> 00:47:29,049 Oh, yeah, in the costume. 1051 00:47:29,082 --> 00:47:32,686 Well, it must be pretty daunting to be sitting across from you 1052 00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:34,187 while you’re in your costume. 1053 00:47:34,220 --> 00:47:35,388 Well, not really, Len. 1054 00:47:35,422 --> 00:47:36,623 You still got to get the letters. 1055 00:47:36,656 --> 00:47:38,758 I mean, if I’m picking vowels all game, 1056 00:47:38,792 --> 00:47:41,361 costume or not, I’m not gonna win! 1057 00:47:41,394 --> 00:47:43,430 You mean you’ve lost at scrabble? 1058 00:47:43,463 --> 00:47:45,732 Oh, sure. Many times. 1059 00:47:45,765 --> 00:47:48,802 Okay, let’s take another call! Hello, Metropolis. 1060 00:47:48,835 --> 00:47:50,437 Woman: Yes, Superman? 1061 00:47:50,470 --> 00:47:52,906 I’d like to know why, during the garbage strike last year, 1062 00:47:52,939 --> 00:47:55,675 you sat around for two weeks doing nothing 1063 00:47:55,709 --> 00:47:58,345 while Metropolis smelled like a pigsty! 1064 00:47:58,378 --> 00:47:59,713 Well, ma’am, I just didn’t feel 1065 00:47:59,746 --> 00:48:01,715 like picking up all that garbage. 1066 00:48:01,748 --> 00:48:05,518 Oh, you didn’t feel like it? Well, where do you come off? 1067 00:48:05,552 --> 00:48:07,053 Oh, like I don’t do enough? 1068 00:48:07,087 --> 00:48:09,022 The whole thing would have taken you 10 minutes! 1069 00:48:09,055 --> 00:48:11,858 - First of all, nothing takes 10 minutes. - Oh, come on! 1070 00:48:11,891 --> 00:48:13,793 You could have fused the garbage into a big ball 1071 00:48:13,827 --> 00:48:15,428 and hurled it out into space! 1072 00:48:15,462 --> 00:48:16,863 Yeah, fine! Yeah, you know! 1073 00:48:16,896 --> 00:48:19,332 Superman, what a joke! 1074 00:48:19,366 --> 00:48:20,934 Why don’t you just go-- ( bleeps ) 1075 00:48:21,034 --> 00:48:22,902 ( laughs ) 1076 00:48:22,936 --> 00:48:24,671 Uh, she’s obviously pretty upset. 1077 00:48:24,704 --> 00:48:27,073 And I have to say, Superman, a lot of people were upset 1078 00:48:27,107 --> 00:48:29,676 - about that garbage situation. - Well, I’m sorry, Len. 1079 00:48:29,709 --> 00:48:32,178 I’m just not going around picking up everybody’s garbage. 1080 00:48:32,212 --> 00:48:35,048 I mean, I do what I can, but I’m not a garbage man. 1081 00:48:35,081 --> 00:48:36,616 That’s where I draw the line. 1082 00:48:36,649 --> 00:48:38,785 ( chuckles ) Okay. No argument here. 1083 00:48:38,818 --> 00:48:43,056 You know, there’s a rumor that Iran is stockpiling kryptonite. 1084 00:48:45,091 --> 00:48:46,593 Yeah, I’ve heard that. 1085 00:48:46,626 --> 00:48:48,762 Okay, if I came across a piece of kryptonite, 1086 00:48:48,795 --> 00:48:50,063 how much do you think it would be worth? 1087 00:48:50,063 --> 00:48:52,198 Can you give me a break with the kryptonite? 1088 00:48:52,232 --> 00:48:55,135 Well, it looks like we’re just about out of time. 1089 00:48:55,168 --> 00:48:59,072 - I’d like to thank my guest, Superman, for being with us. - Yeah, it’s a pleasure. 1090 00:48:59,105 --> 00:49:02,108 Before you go, any chance of telling us your secret identity? 1091 00:49:02,142 --> 00:49:03,643 Sure, I’m... ( whispers ) 1092 00:49:03,677 --> 00:49:04,878 Wha--What was that? 1093 00:49:04,911 --> 00:49:07,180 ( chuckles ) Seriously, come back again. 1094 00:49:07,213 --> 00:49:09,549 Tomorrow night, Michael Fenwick, 1095 00:49:09,582 --> 00:49:12,018 currently starring in A Horrible Coincidence. 1096 00:49:12,052 --> 00:49:13,520 Good night, everybody. 1097 00:49:13,553 --> 00:49:16,489 ( cheering and applause ) 1098 00:49:22,495 --> 00:49:25,432 * 1099 00:49:29,302 --> 00:49:32,339 Hey, I wanna thank Annie Lennox for being here. 1100 00:49:32,372 --> 00:49:35,608 ( cheering and applause ) 1101 00:49:35,642 --> 00:49:38,945 All these unbelievable comedy people. 1102 00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:43,717 I wanna thank Superman for making a special appearance. 1103 00:49:43,750 --> 00:49:47,454 Lorne Michaels, everybody, the writers, 1104 00:49:47,487 --> 00:49:50,557 thank you very much. 1105 00:49:50,590 --> 00:49:53,526 * 84121

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