All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E17.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

Announcer:
You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois
community access channel.

( cheering and applause )

* Wayne’s world, Wayne’s world *

* Party time *

* Excellent *

( imitates guitar strumming )

- Whoo!
- All right!

- Okay.
- Okay.

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host,
Wayne Campbell.

- Party, whoo!
- Whoo!

Party right now.

( cheering )

It’s Friday. It’s 10:30.
It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

- Party on, Wayne.
- Party on, Garth.

All right, okay.

Okay, lots have been going on,
all right.

The spring break,
the British election,

what, with the loss
of the Labor Party.

That’s yet another blow

to the cause
of dialectical materialism.

Okay.

Prince has a new album out.

Good call.
All right. That’s great.

And of course, the Oscars.

So Garth and I would like
to review the best and worst

of the Oscars, okay.

Both: * It’s Wayne’s World *

* Best and worst of the Oscars *

* Party time *

* Excellent *

( imitates guitar strumming )

- Whoo! Okay.
- Okay.

Let’s start out with worst hair,
Juliette Lewis.

( cheering )

Yeah. Right.

She looked like a cross
between Stevie Wonder

and a shaved Barbie.

( laughter )

She look like a Jim Henson
creation gotten horribly wrong.

( laughter )

Nice do.

More like a don’t.

( laughter )

She looked like she was wearing
a hat made out of mung.

What does that mean?

I have no idea.

- Okay.
- It sounded good.

- Okay.
- Moving on.

- All right.
- Okay, best upset
Silence of the Lambs

winning best picture
over JFK.

Shocked. I was shocked.
I mean , JFKblown away?

What else do I have to say?

* We didn’t start the fire *

* It was always burning since *

( slurring )

* Berlin, Berlin boy *

( slurring )

- Hold on.
- What?

- Hold on.
- What?

- I think I’m gonna hurl.
- Oh.

I got this hurl.
It’s right on deck.

It’s wearing a batting donut.

It’s doughing its hat
to the crowd.

- Why, what’s up?
- I was just thinking about

that scene
in Silence of the Lambs

where Jodie Foster
visits Hannibal Lecter

and that guy in the cell
next to his, Miggs

flicks his man goo
on her face.

Just like...

Oh, oh, oh. That’s so gross.

I think I’m gonna chunder.

Okay. All right.

Hold that hank.

Chunkage contained.

Okay. ( sighs )

Okay, best babe
at the Oscars...

- Rebecca De Mornay.
- Yeah.

Rebecca De Horny, more like.

Both: Swing!

Hello.

- Whoo!
- Yeah.

( makes sound )

Yeah, after seeing her
in that nightie,

the hand that rocks the cradle
will be rocking something else

if you know what I mean.

( cheering )

No, I don’t.
You’re far too vague.

( chuckles )
All right.

All right.

Worst dress, Geena Davis.

- She’s a babe,
but she looked like Big Bird.
- That’s right.

I mean, if not Big Bird,
you know, something else

from the children’s
television workshop, you know.

Okay, worst acceptance speech.

No offense or nothing
but, um, Jonathan Demme.

Hello, ticktock.

- Hello. This century--
this century please.
- Yeah.

I thought the movie was called
Silence of the Lambs.

I mean, his speech
was quite a voluminous tone.

And can I say I just always
wanted to say voluminous tone?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Sounded good.
- Okay, okay.

Best cleavage, Demi Moore.

Hello.

Hello, I’d like two tickets
to tits-berg please.

Ah, two tickets to Pittsburg.

Hey, Bruce Willis,
good luck, my friend.

Okay.

Okay, best line
to end this show.

Both: Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring
Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Pearl Jam...

and starring Sharon Stone.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Sharon Stone.

Wow.
Thank you very much!

Thank you.

Whoo! ( chuckles )

I’m a little nervous.
( chuckles )

You know, I think
I’d feel more comfortable

if I could sit down.

Can I--Can I...

Oh, thank you.
( cheers )

Really sweet. Thank you.

Yeah, that feels better.

Davey: Uh, Ms. Stone,

there’s no smoking
during the monologue.

( chuckles )
What are you gonna do, Davey,

take me off the air?

We’re live.

You know, I’ve had a great week.

I like working with these guys.

They give me a lot of laughs.

I like to laugh.

It’s nice.

It sends ripples of pleasure
through my body.

( laughter )

Leaving here is gonna be sad

because I’ll miss
all the pleasure they gave me.

( laughter )

( chuckles )

Especially the men,
because they’re so funny.

But you know what?

The women are funny, too,
very funny.

That’s right,
the women make me laugh, too.

( laughter )

You know who else made me laugh?
The writers.

( laughter )

But not that much.

I’m not gonna miss them.

The stagehands
weren’t that funny.

( laughter )

Of course, that’s not their job.

But they could have tried.

Well, anyway, I think
we’ve got a great show tonight.

And I think you’ll get a lot
of pleasure out of it.

I know I will.

Pearl Jam is here.

( cheering and applause )

Oh, and one more thing...

we’ll be right back.

( cheering and applause )

If you’re concerned
about others’ safety,

you probably know about this,
the airbag.

Experts agree it’s your best
chance of surviving a collision.

But there is one drawback
to the conventional airbag.

It may save your life,
but what do you eat

while waiting for help
to arrive?

We at Jiffy Pop
think we have the answer...

the Jiffy Pop airbag.

It’s quick and easy.

Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop
kernels in the steering column

are instantly fed
to the engine block,

where they’re heated with oil
from the crankcase.

As the corn is popped,
the bag expands,

protecting the driver
from injury,

and best of all, providing
a delicious low-calorie treat.

It’s as fun to eat
as it is to make.

( siren wails )

- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

How’s the other driver?

Not too good.

- How’s the Jiffy Pop?
- Great.

The Jiffy Pop airbag,

because we don’t want you
to walk away

from your next accident
on an empty stomach.

Announcer: The Jiffy Pop airbag,
now in cheddar cheese.

( cheering and applause )

And here’s your drink, ma’am.

Thank you.

( sighs )

Hi.

Hi.

You sure are pretty.

( chuckles )
Thank you.

Nice looking with--
body and face, and--

( chuckles )

And I--I not,

so just thought maybe drink,

- but I said no touchy.
- Oh.

( laughs )

( muttering )

You tall, thin...

but me fat, I--

Not in the same league as--
( muttering )

I--

Fat rules says many layers,
chins.

You, with legs and...
( muttering )

and...
( muttering )

I can’t.
Not that I don’t want but that--

( grunts ) Sorry.

- Are you okay?
- ( chuckles )

Me, fine.
( mutters )

You, uh...

( grunts )

You know, this, um--

I, again, wish that I could,

but you’re on a pedestal,
I belong under a bridge.

You...
( grunts )

I go now,
back to 300 pounds.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Yeah.

- ( sighs )
- How did it go?

I don’t know, man. I just--
It didn’t click.

I don’t think I said
the right things, man.

What do you mean?
She’s looking for action.

She’s hard to talk to, man!

What’s the matter with you?
You just talk.

Oh, yeah? You just talk, huh?

Okay, Mr. Big Shot,
why don’t you try it.

Okay, I will.

Hi!

Hi, yeah.

Oh, yes.

- So nice...
- Yeah.

to look you so.

- Hello to you.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- I have [INAUDIBLE] pencil.

- Oh.
- For...you.

- Me?
- No pencil.

- No.
- Throw away pencil.

Thank you so much.

You, must go. So scared.

I--You.

- So?
- Forget it, man.
She’s a bitch.

What?
( laughter, applause )

I’m telling you,
she won’t talk to us.

- What did you say to her?
- It doesn’t matter
what you say.

She wants a big 6’4" guy,
you know,

- that look like a GQ model
to get her going.
- Yeah, you’re right.

You got to be
like a football player

- or something like that.
- Yeah, you got to be like 6’4".

You got a blonde surfer type,
you know,

with the big shoulders,
that’s it.

- Yeah.
- Well.

( cheering and applause )

Hello.

Mind if I sit down?

( babbling )

Ah!

( babbling )

You see, fellows,
it’s all in the approach.

( thuds )

Did I mention I have a penis?

Oh, gosh!

( cheering and applause )

( boing )

Announcer: Flippy,
The Flipping Chihuahua.

* You’ll flip
When you see Flippy *

* Flipping on down the street *

* Flippy
The flipping Chihuahua *

* He’s the flippidest dog
You’ll meet *

( doorbell dings )

- Oh, who could that be?
- Hm.

( sighs )

Why, hello, Mrs. Crabshell.

Don’t hello me!

You have got to keep
that infernal flipping Chihuahua

tied down to the backyard!

It’s the law!

Why,
Flippy makes people happy

when they see him
flipping down the street.

The next time it happens,
I’m going to call the police!

( sighs )

Well, honey, I guess we’re gonna
have to put Flippy out back.

Oh, poor Flippy.

*

Oh!

Look at him,
he’s hardly flipping at all.

( whimpers )

I can’t take it.

I’m gonna go let him loose.

Oh, honey.

( boing )

*

* Toonces, the driving cat *

* The cat
Who could drive a car *

* He drives around
All over town *

* Toonces, the driving cat *

Announcer: Toonces,
the cat who could drive a car.

Did we just hit something?

I don’t think so.

Honey, I know
I brought this up before,

but do you really think
we should let Toonces drive?

Well, normally,
I might have my doubts,

especially after that trip
to Mount Rushmore.

But since he’s got his nephew
and two nieces with him,

I think he’ll be extra careful.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Oh, no! Toonces, look out!

- ( screams )
- ( screams )

* He drives around
All over the town *

* Toonces, the driving cat *

( cheering and applause )

Hey, Phyllis,
I thought you quit smoking?

- You were gonna be
my inspiration.
- Not anymore.

Now I can smoke
as much as I like.

Now that I’ve got
the Lung Brush.

Lung Brush?

That’s right, Lung Brush.

Created by a small inventor
in California

who himself enjoyed smoking.

Lung Brush is the easy,
inexpensive alternative

to quitting or cutting down.

Here’s how it works.

Taking hold
of the easy-grip handle,

slide the gentle bristle device
pass the tracheal opening,

back down the windpipe
and into the lung itself.

The unique Lung Brush design

allows you
to remove caked-on tar,

smoke particles,
even city smug phlegm,

freeing up
clogged bronchial passages

so vital for breathing
and smoking.

And Lung Brush’s sturdy design

makes cleaning
and maintenance a snap.

One Lung Brush may be the only
Lung Brush you’ll ever need.

Man: Here’s football great,
Kenny Stabler.

I threw my light
and low-tar cigarettes away.

Now back
to my favorite brand again.

Thanks, Lung Brush.

Time to come to bed, dear.

- ( coughs )
- Don’t forget to brush.

Lung Brush, that is.

So get into
the Lung Brush habit today

and smoke
to your heart’s content.

Lung Brush is available

wherever quality
tobacco products are sold.

Announcer: Only $14.95,
from Life Tool.

( cheering and applause )

( indistinct chattering )

( security alarm beeps )

- Whoop!
- Uh-oh, what happened?

Okay, do you have keys
in your pocket?

Um, yeah.

- Give me the keys.
- Give him the keys.

All right,
walk through again.

There you go.

( security alarm beeps )
Whoop! Come on.

- Come on. Come on.
- Come on. Come back out here.

- What’s going on?
- Let me see your jacket.

Maybe you have metal buckles
on your jacket?

Or maybe you have a machine gun?
How do we know?

The point is we don’t know.

Until you take off your jacket.

- So please.
- Take off your jacket.

Okay, okay.

- Take off. Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay. Here it goes.

- Here it goes.
- All right,
try walking through again.

Again, walk through.
Yes, walk through.
( security alarm beeps )

- Oh, thank you, Lord.
- ( chuckles )

( laughter )

All right, come on.
Let’s try walking through again.

- Okay.
- All right, let’s see.

What could you take off
this time?

- Shirt, shirt!
- Stockings, stockings!

Let’s go with the stockings.

- The shirt will be next.
- Oh.

- Now please,
take off your stockings.
- Come on, get out of here.

There are no metal things
in my stockings.

That’s not what is making
the alarm go off.

Oh, yes, you know
what is making the alarm go off.

You know everything.

Yeah, maybe you should be
the airport guards

and maybe you should be
setting off the alarms

with a machine gun or whatever
it is you got in your stockings.

Look, fellows, give me a break,
will you?

Do I really look
like I’m carrying a machine gun?

Maybe you are,
maybe you are not.

Nobody knows for sure.

Until you take off
your stockings.

Now if you please!

Okay, okay, okay.

Slowly.

Slowly in case the metal,
you know, bends or falls out

of the stockings
so we can find it on the floor.

- Right.
- Right. Right

- Oh, yes!
- ( chuckles )

- Oh, yeah, da-da-da-da-da-da!
- All Right.

- Oh, boy!
- Oh!

( security alarm beeps )
Oopsy Daisy!

Sorry, the alarm went off.
What should I do?

- Never mind, just keep going.
- Keep going.

- Do you want me to take
my jacket off or something?
- Oh, no, don’t worry.

It’s probably just the keys
or something. Go ahead.

- I don’t have any keys.
- Believe me you have keys.

- Just go!
- But the alarm.

- Please go!
- Watch it, fellow.

- All right.
- Okay, they’re off.

- Can I get through again?
- Of course.

- Okay.
- But first, please put
your high heels back on

- to walk through it.
- Oh, my.

- That would be great.
- Come on!

Please, miss,
we have a responsibility

- to the airport.
- Fine.

- You guys do not have any clue
what you’re doing, okay?
- Okay.

- Okay.
- All right.

( imitating security alarm
beeping )

You guys are making that noise.

Uh, don’t tell us
who is making the noises.

Yeah, let us worry
about the noises.

You just worry about the bomb
you have had hiding

in your underwear.

- ( whispering )
- Okay.

By the way,
what color is your underwear?

What? I can’t believe you!

What difference
could that possible make?

The difference--The difference
is because of the bomb texture

and because--
I do not have to explain this.

I am the guard.
I took a course in this!

That’s right.

Okay.

So, what color
is your underwear?

- It’s black, okay?
- Oh, my God!

I told you! I told you!

She drives me crazy.

Oh, boy!

- Oh, boy.
- Look, what do you guys want?

We do not want anything.
We do not want.

- Believe us.
- But you ask yourself,

what do the 200 passengers
aboard that airplane want?

- The answer is simple.
- Safety.

If it was up to us,
we would let you go on your way.

But the safety
of the passengers demands

that we ask you, regrettably,
to please take off your shirt.

Please, for safety.

Take off my shirt?

- Right here?
- Yes, please.

Come on, guys,
I’m gonna miss my flight.

Believe me, ma’am, you’re not
gonna miss your flight.

I’m the pilot and this plane
ain’t going anywhere.

So please,
for the love of humanity,

do as the man says
and take off your shirt.

To ensure the safety
of the others.

Yeah, and to help us stop,
uh, non-safety.

All right. All right.
Okay. This is pathetic.

After I take off my shirt,
I’m getting on the plane.

( indistinct chattering )

- All right.
- Oh, daba, daba, daba.

Oh, whoo!

( imitating security alarm
beeping )

- Hey!
- Uh, it won’t stop alarming.
I don’t know what it is.

We will just take a photograph
of you for security reasons.

Right.

But I tell you,
this is getting ridiculous.

Ooh!

- Security for bomb texture.
- Hey, hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Arch your back
for more security.

Stand still for security.

All right, very good.

Now we have a security file.
Everything good.

Man over P.A.: Attention,
all airport security,

Cindy Crawford is now boarding
at gate 17.

- Oh, my God!
- We got to go.

She’s a crappy one.
Very dangerous.

Okay,
everyone can go through now.

( security alarm beeping )

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon
and I’m a good lesbian.

( laughter )

Our lead story:
In a startling revelation today,

Jerry Brown admitted
that he, too,

once smoked marijuana,
but he never exhaled.

( laughter, applause )

And earlier this week,
Brown was confronted

by allegations
of the presence of drugs

in his L.A. home
in the late ’70s.

Brown says he has no knowledge
of illegal activity,

but he did once rent the place
out to some guy from Panama.

( laughter )

Although a whopping 66 percent
of New York voters--

voted for Clinton this week,

many admitted
that while voting for him,

they were actually fantasizing
about other candidates.

( laughter )

Dan Quayle was listed
as the biggest offender

of Perks this week
for accepting the role

of vice president.

( man cheers )

And the Bush administration
is having second thoughts

about sending 4.5 billion
in aid to Russia

after discovering
that a third of the money

is going to pay
for Yeltsin’s bar tab.

Members of a Senate panel

voted to abolish the endangered
species act yesterday

after a report that a grey wolf
attacked a spotted owl

that was eating
a Pacific salmon.

( laughter )

And one of the most important
issues facing the world today

is preserving the environment.

Here to discuss this and tell us
how we can all pitch in

is Weekend Update
environmentalist, Rob
Schneider.

Rob.
( cheering and applause )

Thank you, Kevin.

The 1990s are bringing
a new sense of awareness

about the environment.

People wanna help,

but they are skeptical
about what they can do.

So recently,
I went door to door

to see what a typical family
was doing

to help the environment.

And you know, Kevin, it’s funny.

Everywhere I went, I heard
pretty much the same response.

I’m just one person,
how can I help?

How can I alone
make a difference?

What can I do by myself?

It’s not likely that I can help,

but did you consider the fact
that I’m just one person?

I’m not the only person
out there, am I?

I think it’s unfair that
you’re putting this all on me.

Well, of course, I recycle.

Well, no,
I guess I can’t prove it.

No, you can’t look
through my garbage.

You’ll just have to take my word
for it.

Please put your pants back on.

No, I don’t wanna buy a watch.

How do I know it’s a real Rolex?
Please leave!

If you don’t go away,
I’m gonna call the police.

I don’t understand why
you just can’t leave us alone.

I’m calling the police.

Look, you’ve made my wife cry.

I can’t believe
you haven’t left already.

You’re obviously insane.

Please, for the love of God,
leave us alone!

We didn’t do anything to you.

The police are on their way.

Get your foot out of my doorway.

I’m not kidding around.

Honey, get my hand gun.

I tried to warn you.
Let go of my gun.

Oh, God, I’ve been shot.

( laughter )

Honey, I’m bleeding.
That psycho shot me.

Call an ambulance.

Oh, my God,
you killed my husband.

So in conclusion,
it pays to recycle

and remember,
it’s your environment.

- Kevin.
- Thank you, Rob. Good work.

( cheering and applause )

Well, the nationwide poll
taken this week indicates

that 51 percent of all Americans
are in the majority.

My boss, John--
my boss that is John Gotti

was finally convicted
of racketeering

in murder last week.

With the conviction,
Gotti’s nickname

has been changed
from the Teflon Don

to the Velcro Don.

Once Gotti is sentenced, he’s
expected to fade into obscurity.

At which point,
his nickname will change

to Tony Orlando and Dawn.

( laughter )

Federal prosecutors have viewed
secret tape conversations

to prove John Gotti was guilty
of murder and racketeering.

The language Gotti used
on the tape

loosely termed Gotti speak
had to be interpreted

for jurors.

For example the term knock off
means to kill someone.

The term whack
means to kill someone.

The term dishwasher
means to kill someone.

As those cantaloupe,
toothpaste

and the phrase,
"Hey, how ya doing?"

And of course, the word kill
just means pickle.

Gotti speaks shouldn’t be
confused with Bush speak,

where, uh, no new taxes
and kinder and gentler

means to bomb
and kill someone.

Well, NASA officials
were embarrassed this week

when strong winds blew the space
shuttle Atlantisoff course

and it got stuck
in a couple of trees.

Neighbors had to help
knock it down with a broom.

( laughter )

And now, here
with her own unique perspective

on income taxes
is Saturday Night Live’s

soul sister number one queen,
Shenequa.

Queen.
( cheering and applause )

It’s tax time, Kevin,

and I’m not preparing my taxes
at all this year.

I’m proposing a bill in Congress
that will make it illegal

for black people to pay taxes.

( laughter )

A bill that makes it illegal
for black people to pay taxes?

Oh, I don’t follow you,
Queen Shenequa.

Well, follow this.

It’s called reparations.

Remember when Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves?

Well,
the emancipation proclamation

promised each one of us 40 acres
of land and a mule, right?

Well, I guess they gave us
the 40 acres,

it’s called the South Bronx.

And they gave us the mule, too,
it’s called the A-Train.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

So Mr. Bush,
I’m not playing with you now.

We want our reparations.

Reagan gave reparations
to those poor Japanese people

when they were inconvenience
during World War II.

Well, baby,
we were inconvenience, too.

It was very inconvenient the way
they sold my great grandma

and then put a picture
on that pancake box

like she was missing.

( laughter )

She wasn’t missing.

The way I see it,
she was paying my taxes.

Her, my Uncle Ben and my cousin
on that cream of wheat box.

( laughter )

They were all paying my taxes.

Now you know what I mean?

You see, it’s just like this.

I think that--that everybody
would be trying to be black

if my tax bill gets passed.

Tanning salons
will be booked 24 hours a day.

Leona Helmsley would be trying
to move in with the Jeffersons.

( laughter )

And you know who else
has tax problems,

Juliette Lewis from Cape Fear.

Did you see her
at the Academy Awards

with them corn rose on her hair
looking like Cicely Tyson?

You know she wasn’t making
a fashion statement,

she was making a tax statement.

You don’t think
she had a hair like that

’cause they looked good, do you?

’Cause it did not look good!

( cheering and applause )

She was supporting
the Queen Shenequa tax bill.

She know what time it is,
it’s tax time

and I ain’t paying them.

- Thank you, Kevin.
- Queen Shenequea.

Thank you, Queen.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Officials say that violence
was down in this country,

a whopping 60 percent last week.

The rate is expected
to skyrocket again this week

now that the hockey strike
is over.

During that NHL strike, many
fans still attended the arenas

just to yell insults
and throw beer at one another.

( laughter )

When we come back, a surprising
report from the Philippines.

*

All right, we’re back.

( laughter )

It was learned today that
the body of Ferdinand Marcos

will not be flown back
to the Philippines

to be buried
until a later date.

A family spokesman says
there is a scheduling conflict

since Ferdinand’s body
is currently booked

on the King Tut Tour.

After being sentenced
to six years in prison,

Mike Tyson is found
to have the reading, writing

and arithmetic skills
of an 11-year old.

The sentence has been revised

and Tyson will now be sent
to a school room

where he will have to stand
in the corner for six years.

( laughter )

Well, the first week
of Major League Baseball

is almost over
and here are the results.

Two drug convictions,
three sexual harassment suits

and one gambling charge.

( cheering and applause )

More on that
as the season progresses.

Lawyers for Donald Trump
are threatening

to sue his ex-wife Ivana
over her new book For Love Alone

which Trump, uh, Trump claims
is really about him.

You may remember,
Trump filed a similar lawsuit

against Steve Martin
over his film The Jerk.

( laughter )

Well, WrestleMania VIII
took place Sunday.

Experts are still trying
to figure out why.

It seems Mazda’s new innovative
70-pound suitcase car

will not reach
the showroom floors

as earlier--
as early as expected.

A spokesman from Mazda says
they ran into a glitch

when a large shipment
of the suitcase cars

bound for the U.S.
was lost in luggage.

That can happen.

And now with a special report
on the presidential campaign,

here is news correspondent
Victoria Jackson.

- Victoria.
- Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

I am a voter and my obligation
as an American woman

is that I must choose
which candidate I love the best.

I must choose a man I trust.

A man whose moral convictions
I agree with.

Someone I like to look at
and listen to.

A man I can respect
yet giggle with,

tickle and love kissing
and hugging

- for a really long time.
- What are you talking about,
Victoria?

What are you talking about?

You got engaged?

- Yes, it’s for real.
- Oh, congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

In a related story,
for those of you

that may have missed this
in the New York prelimina--

in the New York primaries,
that is.

The final tally
was Clinton 41 percent,

Tsongas 29 percent,
Brown 26 percent,

A cop 0.0001 percent.

Thigh trouble.

Those thigh-exercising devices
advertised on TV

may produce pain and swelling
if overused.

( laughter )

New York mayor, David Dinkins,
has urged Jewish voters,

uh, forgive
the Rev. Jesse Jackson

for his 1984
Hymietown ethnic slur.

Apologizing, Jackson said
he regrets the slur

and has no problem with
the people from the Big Bagel.

( laughter )

Fergie, the duchess of York,

revealed to a London paper
this week that the real reason

for her breakup
of her marriage to Prince Andrew

was because he was a royal pain
in the ass.

Anticipating her future
as a single parent,

Fergie has joined the support
group Parents without Partners.

And facing jail this Wednesday,
Leona Helmsley is looking

into a similar organization
called Bitches without Riches.

( cheering and applause )

In more troubling medical news,

scientists have reported yet
another unexpected side effect

from silicone breast implant.

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( applause )

( doorbell buzzes )

Hello.

I’m sorry to bother you,
but I’m having a dinner party.

- And?
- And I’m out
of spermicidal jelly.

Come in.

Thank you.

Would Tayster’s Choice
be too good for your guests?

Oh, I think
they could get used to it.

It’s a very sophisticated
spermicidal jelly.

They have
very sophisticated tastes.

Do they?

Yes. Well,
I must be getting back.

Announcer:
Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice
Spermicidal Jelly.

So, have you met
your new neighbor yet?

Oh, I’ve popped in
for a spermicidal jelly.

( cheering and applause )

Hi! I’m Phil Hartman.

You know,
one of the great pleasures

of being a cast member
here at Saturday Night Live

is that I’m given
the opportunity to pretend.

And part of that pretending,
of course,

is that I get to wear
so many wigs.

Wigs that can change
my look completely.

And I have a secret to share.
I’m in love with my wigs.

And now you can be too.

I’m introducing a new line
of men’s wigs

called Phil Hartman Creations.

So fellows,
you can change wigs

as often
as you change your mood.

*

Meet Troy.

Troy is for when you wanna feel
successful and cocky.

This hairstyle says, "I’m gonna
get everything out of life.

I’m Troy!

And I’m not afraid
of working hard, taking risks,

or committing
to intimate relationships."

I like to wear this one when
I play football with my son.

*

Say hi to Anton.

When you’re wearing Anton,

English instantly
becomes your second language.

You’ll look mysterious, sexy,

and just a little dangerous.

I was wearing my Anton
when I met my wife.

Of course, I eventually dropped
the accent and took the wig off.

She felt betrayed,
but by that time,

she was pregnant, and well--
( chuckles )

I could go on, but I have
a few more of my creations

to show you.

*

I call this wig Jimmy.

Jimmy is--well, frankly,
Jimmy is somewhat of a geek.

It’s for those times
when you feel like a loser

and you just
wanna look like one, too.

Last year,
I was audited by the IRS.

I simply slipped on this Jimmy,

and the auditor
gave me a total refund

and some food stamps.

I felt so good afterwards,
I had to put on a Troy.

( laughter )

*

I call this wig Gloria.

Gloria is for those times

when, well,
you feel a little naughty.

Gloria is all candles
and moonlight.

All pink taffeta
and secret longings.

I like to wear Gloria
when I sit on the beach alone

and sip champagne on the sand.

There you are,
all my creations.

If you order now,
you’ll get a special bonus.

I’m wearing it right now.

It’s called the Phil.

Announcer:
Phil Hartman Creations.

Order now.

( cheering and applause )

*

( doorbell buzzes )

Excuse me.

You saved my life
the other night.

( chuckles )
The dinner party.

The spermicidal jelly.

Very successful.

How can you ever thank me?

I’ll think of something.

But in the meantime,

at least I can return
your Tayster’s Choice.

Look, I’m busy right now,
but perhaps--

Perhaps.

Announcer:
Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice
Spermicidal Jelly.

Just my neighbor.

How was the spermicidal jelly?

Perfect.

Where did you get it from?

Oh, I...have it delivered.

( applause )

*

We’re closing now, right?

Closing? Who said?

- You did!
- I never said that!

You did, you mind-changing,
schedule-forgetting fool!

Well, tonight,
I want to stay open,

you clock-watching,
early-closing,

lazy, non-working,
back-talking--

Okay, I’ll stay late!

You late-staying,
always-agreeing, butt-kissing--

All I wanna know is, when
are we gonna close up and go?

You "when-are-we-gonna-close-up-
and-go" asking,

turtleneck-wearing,
attitude-giving, freeloading,

going-in-the-back-room,
butt-wiggling,

non-listening...

you
coming-in-from-the-back-room,

box-carrying,
teeth-sucking, head-shaking,

husband-ignoring,
you not-hearing,

product-unloading,
second-aisle-reshelving,

new-price-tag-sticking,
inventory-taking.

Thinking I was done,
well, I’m not done

’cause I’m still talking,
I got more to say,

like, you hairnet-wearing,

uh, uh, ozone-destroying,
um...

greenhouse effect-having,
collossol-city-drowning,

polar-ice-cap-melting,
price-tag-earring-wearing,

walking-out-of-my-sight,

ducking-down-
behind-the-damn-thing.

Oh.

.38-caliber-pistol-shooting,
pointed at me--

( gunshot )

Husband-shooting, mess-making--

( gunshot )

Two-time-shooting-
neither-time-fairly-wounded--

( gunshot )

Okay, let’s close the store.

( cheering and applause )

*

You’re right, I’m not.

You don’t believe
your own brother?

Come on, I’m really sorry
that I’m late.

I think you know everyone here,
except...

Oh, we’ve met.

We, uh, share the same taste
in spermicidal jelly.

Announcer:
Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice
Spermicidal Jelly.

Are you always this late?

I won’t be tomorrow.

What’s happening tomorrow?

- I’m inviting you to dinner.
- ( scoffs )

What makes you think
I’ll accept?

- You can’t resist
my spermicidal jelly?
- ( chuckles )

( cheering and applause )

Sorry I’m late, honey.

Oh, that’s okay, Don.

I guess you were working hard
on that big new movie

you’ve been telling me about.

Yes.

Darling,
if we’re gonna be married soon,

I want us to start out right
by being completely honest

with each other.

I told you
that I was a successful actor.

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, that’s not exactly true.

I am an actor, but what I act in
is porno movies.

I don’t care, Don.

I, too, have something
to confess.

You know, when I told you
that I was a scientist,

well, I am sort of a scientist,

a scientist of pornography.

We study how to make
better pornography

by testing the effects
that different types

of pornography have on people.

Are you disappointed?

No, my darling.

It’s just that--

Well, do you remember
how I told you

we were going to live
in a big beautiful house

- in the country?
- Yes.

Well, here’s a picture of where
we’re really going to live.

But this is a picture
of a porno theater.

( sighs ) That’s right.

You see, when I’m not acting
in porno films,

that’s where I work.

I’m the projectionist.

They gave me an apartment
on the top floor to live in.

I guess
you’re gonna feel pretty silly

wearing your princess crown
in a porno theater.

( sighs )
Don, I’m not a princess.

You’re not?

Not of Luxembourg, at least,
like I told you.

I’m a princess in a country
called Pornographia.

Pornographia? Where is that?

It’s a little principality
on the border of--

Oh, I’m lying again!
I know where it is.

I’ve been there hundreds
of times.

It’s okay, Don.

It’s okay

as long as we’re honest
with each other.

We’ll start over.

And after all, you’ve always got
your degree from Harvard.

Your MBA.

Marcia, my degree is from
Harvard, but it isn’t an MBA.

It’s an MPA,
Master of Pornographic Arts.

Oh, yeah, I’m a real scholar.

You know what the title
of my thesis was?

Don’t do this to yourself, Don.

It was called
"The Changing Symbolism

from 1945 to the Present
of the Horny Dentist."

But doesn’t Harvard
have the best porno school

in the country?

I suppose they do. Or Yale.

Don’t worry, Don,
we’ll make it.

We’ll make it.

You’re right.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

*

( applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

*

Thanks so much for joining us.
I had a wonderful time.

You guys are great.
Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

( cheering and applause )

Good night everybody.

*