Original subtitles

Announcer: You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois community access channel.

( cheering and applause )

* Wayne’s world, Wayne’s world *

* Party time *

* Excellent *

( imitates guitar strumming )

- Whoo! - All right!

- Okay. - Okay.

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host, Wayne Campbell.

- Party, whoo! - Whoo!

Party right now.

( cheering )

It’s Friday. It’s 10:30. It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

- Party on, Wayne. - Party on, Garth.

All right, okay.

Okay, lots have been going on, all right.

The spring break, the British election,

what, with the loss of the Labor Party.

That’s yet another blow

to the cause of dialectical materialism.

Okay.

Prince has a new album out.

Good call. All right. That’s great.

And of course, the Oscars.

So Garth and I would like to review the best and worst

of the Oscars, okay.

Both: * It’s Wayne’s World *

* Best and worst of the Oscars *

* Party time *

* Excellent *

( imitates guitar strumming )

- Whoo! Okay. - Okay.

Let’s start out with worst hair, Juliette Lewis.

( cheering )

Yeah. Right.

She looked like a cross between Stevie Wonder

and a shaved Barbie.

( laughter )

She look like a Jim Henson creation gotten horribly wrong.

( laughter )

Nice do.

More like a don’t.

( laughter )

She looked like she was wearing a hat made out of mung.

What does that mean?

I have no idea.

- Okay. - It sounded good.

- Okay. - Moving on.

- All right. - Okay, best upset Silence of the Lambs

winning best picture over JFK.

Shocked. I was shocked. I mean , JFKblown away?

What else do I have to say?

* We didn’t start the fire *

* It was always burning since *

( slurring )

* Berlin, Berlin boy *

( slurring )

- Hold on. - What?

- Hold on. - What?

- I think I’m gonna hurl. - Oh.

I got this hurl. It’s right on deck.

It’s wearing a batting donut.

It’s doughing its hat to the crowd.

- Why, what’s up? - I was just thinking about

that scene in Silence of the Lambs

where Jodie Foster visits Hannibal Lecter

and that guy in the cell next to his, Miggs

flicks his man goo on her face.

Just like...

Oh, oh, oh. That’s so gross.

I think I’m gonna chunder.

Okay. All right.

Hold that hank.

Chunkage contained.

Okay. ( sighs )

Okay, best babe at the Oscars...

- Rebecca De Mornay. - Yeah.

Rebecca De Horny, more like.

Both: Swing!

Hello.

- Whoo! - Yeah.

( makes sound )

Yeah, after seeing her in that nightie,

the hand that rocks the cradle will be rocking something else

if you know what I mean.

( cheering )

No, I don’t. You’re far too vague.

( chuckles ) All right.

All right.

Worst dress, Geena Davis.

- She’s a babe, but she looked like Big Bird. - That’s right.

I mean, if not Big Bird, you know, something else

from the children’s television workshop, you know.

Okay, worst acceptance speech.

No offense or nothing but, um, Jonathan Demme.

Hello, ticktock.

- Hello. This century-- this century please. - Yeah.

I thought the movie was called Silence of the Lambs.

I mean, his speech was quite a voluminous tone.

And can I say I just always wanted to say voluminous tone?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Sounded good. - Okay, okay.

Best cleavage, Demi Moore.

Hello.

Hello, I’d like two tickets to tits-berg please.

Ah, two tickets to Pittsburg.

Hey, Bruce Willis, good luck, my friend.

Okay.

Okay, best line to end this show.

Both: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Pearl Jam...

and starring Sharon Stone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sharon Stone.

Wow. Thank you very much!

Thank you.

Whoo! ( chuckles )

I’m a little nervous. ( chuckles )

You know, I think I’d feel more comfortable

if I could sit down.

Can I--Can I...

Oh, thank you. ( cheers )

Really sweet. Thank you.

Yeah, that feels better.

Davey: Uh, Ms. Stone,

there’s no smoking during the monologue.

( chuckles ) What are you gonna do, Davey,

take me off the air?

We’re live.

You know, I’ve had a great week.

I like working with these guys.

They give me a lot of laughs.

I like to laugh.

It’s nice.

It sends ripples of pleasure through my body.

( laughter )

Leaving here is gonna be sad

because I’ll miss all the pleasure they gave me.

( laughter )

( chuckles )

Especially the men, because they’re so funny.

But you know what?

The women are funny, too, very funny.

That’s right, the women make me laugh, too.

( laughter )

You know who else made me laugh? The writers.

( laughter )

But not that much.

I’m not gonna miss them.

The stagehands weren’t that funny.

( laughter )

Of course, that’s not their job.

But they could have tried.

Well, anyway, I think we’ve got a great show tonight.

And I think you’ll get a lot of pleasure out of it.

I know I will.

Pearl Jam is here.

( cheering and applause )

Oh, and one more thing...

we’ll be right back.

( cheering and applause )

If you’re concerned about others’ safety,

you probably know about this, the airbag.

Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision.

But there is one drawback to the conventional airbag.

It may save your life, but what do you eat

while waiting for help to arrive?

We at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer...

the Jiffy Pop airbag.

It’s quick and easy.

Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernels in the steering column

are instantly fed to the engine block,

where they’re heated with oil from the crankcase.

As the corn is popped, the bag expands,

protecting the driver from injury,

and best of all, providing a delicious low-calorie treat.

It’s as fun to eat as it is to make.

( siren wails )

- Are you okay? - Mm-hmm.

How’s the other driver?

Not too good.

- How’s the Jiffy Pop? - Great.

The Jiffy Pop airbag,

because we don’t want you to walk away

from your next accident on an empty stomach.

Announcer: The Jiffy Pop airbag, now in cheddar cheese.

( cheering and applause )

And here’s your drink, ma’am.

Thank you.

( sighs )

Hi.

Hi.

You sure are pretty.

( chuckles ) Thank you.

Nice looking with-- body and face, and--

( chuckles )

And I--I not,

so just thought maybe drink,

- but I said no touchy. - Oh.

( laughs )

( muttering )

You tall, thin...

but me fat, I--

Not in the same league as-- ( muttering )

I--

Fat rules says many layers, chins.

You, with legs and... ( muttering )

and... ( muttering )

I can’t. Not that I don’t want but that--

( grunts ) Sorry.

- Are you okay? - ( chuckles )

Me, fine. ( mutters )

You, uh...

( grunts )

You know, this, um--

I, again, wish that I could,

but you’re on a pedestal, I belong under a bridge.

You... ( grunts )

I go now, back to 300 pounds.

- Okay. - Okay.

Yeah.

- ( sighs ) - How did it go?

I don’t know, man. I just-- It didn’t click.

I don’t think I said the right things, man.

What do you mean? She’s looking for action.

She’s hard to talk to, man!

What’s the matter with you? You just talk.

Oh, yeah? You just talk, huh?

Okay, Mr. Big Shot, why don’t you try it.

Okay, I will.

Hi!

Hi, yeah.

Oh, yes.

- So nice... - Yeah.

to look you so.

- Hello to you. - Hello.

- Hi. - I have [INAUDIBLE] pencil.

- Oh. - For...you.

- Me? - No pencil.

- No. - Throw away pencil.

Thank you so much.

You, must go. So scared.

I--You.

- So? - Forget it, man. She’s a bitch.

What? ( laughter, applause )

I’m telling you, she won’t talk to us.

- What did you say to her? - It doesn’t matter what you say.

She wants a big 6’4" guy, you know,

- that look like a GQ model to get her going. - Yeah, you’re right.

You got to be like a football player

- or something like that. - Yeah, you got to be like 6’4".

You got a blonde surfer type, you know,

with the big shoulders, that’s it.

- Yeah. - Well.

( cheering and applause )

Hello.

Mind if I sit down?

( babbling )

Ah!

( babbling )

You see, fellows, it’s all in the approach.

( thuds )

Did I mention I have a penis?

Oh, gosh!

( cheering and applause )

( boing )

Announcer: Flippy, The Flipping Chihuahua.

* You’ll flip When you see Flippy *

* Flipping on down the street *

* Flippy The flipping Chihuahua *

* He’s the flippidest dog You’ll meet *

( doorbell dings )

- Oh, who could that be? - Hm.

( sighs )

Why, hello, Mrs. Crabshell.

Don’t hello me!

You have got to keep that infernal flipping Chihuahua

tied down to the backyard!

It’s the law!

Why, Flippy makes people happy

when they see him flipping down the street.

The next time it happens, I’m going to call the police!

( sighs )

Well, honey, I guess we’re gonna have to put Flippy out back.

Oh, poor Flippy.

*

Oh!

Look at him, he’s hardly flipping at all.

( whimpers )

I can’t take it.

I’m gonna go let him loose.

Oh, honey.

( boing )

*

* Toonces, the driving cat *

* The cat Who could drive a car *

* He drives around All over town *

* Toonces, the driving cat *

Announcer: Toonces, the cat who could drive a car.

Did we just hit something?

I don’t think so.

Honey, I know I brought this up before,

but do you really think we should let Toonces drive?

Well, normally, I might have my doubts,

especially after that trip to Mount Rushmore.

But since he’s got his nephew and two nieces with him,

I think he’ll be extra careful.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Oh, no! Toonces, look out!

- ( screams ) - ( screams )

* He drives around All over the town *

* Toonces, the driving cat *

( cheering and applause )

Hey, Phyllis, I thought you quit smoking?

- You were gonna be my inspiration. - Not anymore.

Now I can smoke as much as I like.

Now that I’ve got the Lung Brush.

Lung Brush?

That’s right, Lung Brush.

Created by a small inventor in California

who himself enjoyed smoking.

Lung Brush is the easy, inexpensive alternative

to quitting or cutting down.

Here’s how it works.

Taking hold of the easy-grip handle,

slide the gentle bristle device pass the tracheal opening,

back down the windpipe and into the lung itself.

The unique Lung Brush design

allows you to remove caked-on tar,

smoke particles, even city smug phlegm,

freeing up clogged bronchial passages

so vital for breathing and smoking.

And Lung Brush’s sturdy design

makes cleaning and maintenance a snap.

One Lung Brush may be the only Lung Brush you’ll ever need.

Man: Here’s football great, Kenny Stabler.

I threw my light and low-tar cigarettes away.

Now back to my favorite brand again.

Thanks, Lung Brush.

Time to come to bed, dear.

- ( coughs ) - Don’t forget to brush.

Lung Brush, that is.

So get into the Lung Brush habit today

and smoke to your heart’s content.

Lung Brush is available

wherever quality tobacco products are sold.

Announcer: Only $14.95, from Life Tool.

( cheering and applause )

( indistinct chattering )

( security alarm beeps )

- Whoop! - Uh-oh, what happened?

Okay, do you have keys in your pocket?

Um, yeah.

- Give me the keys. - Give him the keys.

All right, walk through again.

There you go.

( security alarm beeps ) Whoop! Come on.

- Come on. Come on. - Come on. Come back out here.

- What’s going on? - Let me see your jacket.

Maybe you have metal buckles on your jacket?

Or maybe you have a machine gun? How do we know?

The point is we don’t know.

Until you take off your jacket.

- So please. - Take off your jacket.

Okay, okay.

- Take off. Come on, come on. - Okay, okay. Here it goes.

- Here it goes. - All right, try walking through again.

Again, walk through. Yes, walk through. ( security alarm beeps )

- Oh, thank you, Lord. - ( chuckles )

( laughter )

All right, come on. Let’s try walking through again.

- Okay. - All right, let’s see.

What could you take off this time?

- Shirt, shirt! - Stockings, stockings!

Let’s go with the stockings.

- The shirt will be next. - Oh.

- Now please, take off your stockings. - Come on, get out of here.

There are no metal things in my stockings.

That’s not what is making the alarm go off.

Oh, yes, you know what is making the alarm go off.

You know everything.

Yeah, maybe you should be the airport guards

and maybe you should be setting off the alarms

with a machine gun or whatever it is you got in your stockings.

Look, fellows, give me a break, will you?

Do I really look like I’m carrying a machine gun?

Maybe you are, maybe you are not.

Nobody knows for sure.

Until you take off your stockings.

Now if you please!

Okay, okay, okay.

Slowly.

Slowly in case the metal, you know, bends or falls out

of the stockings so we can find it on the floor.

- Right. - Right. Right

- Oh, yes! - ( chuckles )

- Oh, yeah, da-da-da-da-da-da! - All Right.

- Oh, boy! - Oh!

( security alarm beeps ) Oopsy Daisy!

Sorry, the alarm went off. What should I do?

- Never mind, just keep going. - Keep going.

- Do you want me to take my jacket off or something? - Oh, no, don’t worry.

It’s probably just the keys or something. Go ahead.

- I don’t have any keys. - Believe me you have keys.

- Just go! - But the alarm.

- Please go! - Watch it, fellow.

- All right. - Okay, they’re off.

- Can I get through again? - Of course.

- Okay. - But first, please put your high heels back on

- to walk through it. - Oh, my.

- That would be great. - Come on!

Please, miss, we have a responsibility

- to the airport. - Fine.

- You guys do not have any clue what you’re doing, okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - All right.

( imitating security alarm beeping )

You guys are making that noise.

Uh, don’t tell us who is making the noises.

Yeah, let us worry about the noises.

You just worry about the bomb you have had hiding

in your underwear.

- ( whispering ) - Okay.

By the way, what color is your underwear?

What? I can’t believe you!

What difference could that possible make?

The difference--The difference is because of the bomb texture

and because-- I do not have to explain this.

I am the guard. I took a course in this!

That’s right.

Okay.

So, what color is your underwear?

- It’s black, okay? - Oh, my God!

I told you! I told you!

She drives me crazy.

Oh, boy!

- Oh, boy. - Look, what do you guys want?

We do not want anything. We do not want.

- Believe us. - But you ask yourself,

what do the 200 passengers aboard that airplane want?

- The answer is simple. - Safety.

If it was up to us, we would let you go on your way.

But the safety of the passengers demands

that we ask you, regrettably, to please take off your shirt.

Please, for safety.

Take off my shirt?

- Right here? - Yes, please.

Come on, guys, I’m gonna miss my flight.

Believe me, ma’am, you’re not gonna miss your flight.

I’m the pilot and this plane ain’t going anywhere.

So please, for the love of humanity,

do as the man says and take off your shirt.

To ensure the safety of the others.

Yeah, and to help us stop, uh, non-safety.

All right. All right. Okay. This is pathetic.

After I take off my shirt, I’m getting on the plane.

( indistinct chattering )

- All right. - Oh, daba, daba, daba.

Oh, whoo!

( imitating security alarm beeping )

- Hey! - Uh, it won’t stop alarming. I don’t know what it is.

We will just take a photograph of you for security reasons.

Right.

But I tell you, this is getting ridiculous.

Ooh!

- Security for bomb texture. - Hey, hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Arch your back for more security.

Stand still for security.

All right, very good.

Now we have a security file. Everything good.

Man over P.A.: Attention, all airport security,

Cindy Crawford is now boarding at gate 17.

- Oh, my God! - We got to go.

She’s a crappy one. Very dangerous.

Okay, everyone can go through now.

( security alarm beeping )

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m a good lesbian.

( laughter )

Our lead story: In a startling revelation today,

Jerry Brown admitted that he, too,

once smoked marijuana, but he never exhaled.

( laughter, applause )

And earlier this week, Brown was confronted

by allegations of the presence of drugs

in his L.A. home in the late ’70s.

Brown says he has no knowledge of illegal activity,

but he did once rent the place out to some guy from Panama.

( laughter )

Although a whopping 66 percent of New York voters--

voted for Clinton this week,

many admitted that while voting for him,

they were actually fantasizing about other candidates.

( laughter )

Dan Quayle was listed as the biggest offender

of Perks this week for accepting the role

of vice president.

( man cheers )

And the Bush administration is having second thoughts

about sending 4.5 billion in aid to Russia

after discovering that a third of the money

is going to pay for Yeltsin’s bar tab.

Members of a Senate panel

voted to abolish the endangered species act yesterday

after a report that a grey wolf attacked a spotted owl

that was eating a Pacific salmon.

( laughter )

And one of the most important issues facing the world today

is preserving the environment.

Here to discuss this and tell us how we can all pitch in

is Weekend Update environmentalist, Rob Schneider.

Rob. ( cheering and applause )

Thank you, Kevin.

The 1990s are bringing a new sense of awareness

about the environment.

People wanna help,

but they are skeptical about what they can do.

So recently, I went door to door

to see what a typical family was doing

to help the environment.

And you know, Kevin, it’s funny.

Everywhere I went, I heard pretty much the same response.

I’m just one person, how can I help?

How can I alone make a difference?

What can I do by myself?

It’s not likely that I can help,

but did you consider the fact that I’m just one person?

I’m not the only person out there, am I?

I think it’s unfair that you’re putting this all on me.

Well, of course, I recycle.

Well, no, I guess I can’t prove it.

No, you can’t look through my garbage.

You’ll just have to take my word for it.

Please put your pants back on.

No, I don’t wanna buy a watch.

How do I know it’s a real Rolex? Please leave!

If you don’t go away, I’m gonna call the police.

I don’t understand why you just can’t leave us alone.

I’m calling the police.

Look, you’ve made my wife cry.

I can’t believe you haven’t left already.

You’re obviously insane.

Please, for the love of God, leave us alone!

We didn’t do anything to you.

The police are on their way.

Get your foot out of my doorway.

I’m not kidding around.

Honey, get my hand gun.

I tried to warn you. Let go of my gun.

Oh, God, I’ve been shot.

( laughter )

Honey, I’m bleeding. That psycho shot me.

Call an ambulance.

Oh, my God, you killed my husband.

So in conclusion, it pays to recycle

and remember, it’s your environment.

- Kevin. - Thank you, Rob. Good work.

( cheering and applause )

Well, the nationwide poll taken this week indicates

that 51 percent of all Americans are in the majority.

My boss, John-- my boss that is John Gotti

was finally convicted of racketeering

in murder last week.

With the conviction, Gotti’s nickname

has been changed from the Teflon Don

to the Velcro Don.

Once Gotti is sentenced, he’s expected to fade into obscurity.

At which point, his nickname will change

to Tony Orlando and Dawn.

( laughter )

Federal prosecutors have viewed secret tape conversations

to prove John Gotti was guilty of murder and racketeering.

The language Gotti used on the tape

loosely termed Gotti speak had to be interpreted

for jurors.

For example the term knock off means to kill someone.

The term whack means to kill someone.

The term dishwasher means to kill someone.

As those cantaloupe, toothpaste

and the phrase, "Hey, how ya doing?"

And of course, the word kill just means pickle.

Gotti speaks shouldn’t be confused with Bush speak,

where, uh, no new taxes and kinder and gentler

means to bomb and kill someone.

Well, NASA officials were embarrassed this week

when strong winds blew the space shuttle Atlantisoff course

and it got stuck in a couple of trees.

Neighbors had to help knock it down with a broom.

( laughter )

And now, here with her own unique perspective

on income taxes is Saturday Night Live’s

soul sister number one queen, Shenequa.

Queen. ( cheering and applause )

It’s tax time, Kevin,

and I’m not preparing my taxes at all this year.

I’m proposing a bill in Congress that will make it illegal

for black people to pay taxes.

( laughter )

A bill that makes it illegal for black people to pay taxes?

Oh, I don’t follow you, Queen Shenequa.

Well, follow this.

It’s called reparations.

Remember when Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves?

Well, the emancipation proclamation

promised each one of us 40 acres of land and a mule, right?

Well, I guess they gave us the 40 acres,

it’s called the South Bronx.

And they gave us the mule, too, it’s called the A-Train.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

So Mr. Bush, I’m not playing with you now.

We want our reparations.

Reagan gave reparations to those poor Japanese people

when they were inconvenience during World War II.

Well, baby, we were inconvenience, too.

It was very inconvenient the way they sold my great grandma

and then put a picture on that pancake box

like she was missing.

( laughter )

She wasn’t missing.

The way I see it, she was paying my taxes.

Her, my Uncle Ben and my cousin on that cream of wheat box.

( laughter )

They were all paying my taxes.

Now you know what I mean?

You see, it’s just like this.

I think that--that everybody would be trying to be black

if my tax bill gets passed.

Tanning salons will be booked 24 hours a day.

Leona Helmsley would be trying to move in with the Jeffersons.

( laughter )

And you know who else has tax problems,

Juliette Lewis from Cape Fear.

Did you see her at the Academy Awards

with them corn rose on her hair looking like Cicely Tyson?

You know she wasn’t making a fashion statement,

she was making a tax statement.

You don’t think she had a hair like that

’cause they looked good, do you?

’Cause it did not look good!

( cheering and applause )

She was supporting the Queen Shenequa tax bill.

She know what time it is, it’s tax time

and I ain’t paying them.

- Thank you, Kevin. - Queen Shenequea.

Thank you, Queen.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Officials say that violence was down in this country,

a whopping 60 percent last week.

The rate is expected to skyrocket again this week

now that the hockey strike is over.

During that NHL strike, many fans still attended the arenas

just to yell insults and throw beer at one another.

( laughter )

When we come back, a surprising report from the Philippines.

*

All right, we’re back.

( laughter )

It was learned today that the body of Ferdinand Marcos

will not be flown back to the Philippines

to be buried until a later date.

A family spokesman says there is a scheduling conflict

since Ferdinand’s body is currently booked

on the King Tut Tour.

After being sentenced to six years in prison,

Mike Tyson is found to have the reading, writing

and arithmetic skills of an 11-year old.

The sentence has been revised

and Tyson will now be sent to a school room

where he will have to stand in the corner for six years.

( laughter )

Well, the first week of Major League Baseball

is almost over and here are the results.

Two drug convictions, three sexual harassment suits

and one gambling charge.

( cheering and applause )

More on that as the season progresses.

Lawyers for Donald Trump are threatening

to sue his ex-wife Ivana over her new book For Love Alone

which Trump, uh, Trump claims is really about him.

You may remember, Trump filed a similar lawsuit

against Steve Martin over his film The Jerk.

( laughter )

Well, WrestleMania VIII took place Sunday.

Experts are still trying to figure out why.

It seems Mazda’s new innovative 70-pound suitcase car

will not reach the showroom floors

as earlier-- as early as expected.

A spokesman from Mazda says they ran into a glitch

when a large shipment of the suitcase cars

bound for the U.S. was lost in luggage.

That can happen.

And now with a special report on the presidential campaign,

here is news correspondent Victoria Jackson.

- Victoria. - Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

I am a voter and my obligation as an American woman

is that I must choose which candidate I love the best.

I must choose a man I trust.

A man whose moral convictions I agree with.

Someone I like to look at and listen to.

A man I can respect yet giggle with,

tickle and love kissing and hugging

- for a really long time. - What are you talking about, Victoria?

What are you talking about?

You got engaged?

- Yes, it’s for real. - Oh, congratulations.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

In a related story, for those of you

that may have missed this in the New York prelimina--

in the New York primaries, that is.

The final tally was Clinton 41 percent,

Tsongas 29 percent, Brown 26 percent,

A cop 0.0001 percent.

Thigh trouble.

Those thigh-exercising devices advertised on TV

may produce pain and swelling if overused.

( laughter )

New York mayor, David Dinkins, has urged Jewish voters,

uh, forgive the Rev. Jesse Jackson

for his 1984 Hymietown ethnic slur.

Apologizing, Jackson said he regrets the slur

and has no problem with the people from the Big Bagel.

( laughter )

Fergie, the duchess of York,

revealed to a London paper this week that the real reason

for her breakup of her marriage to Prince Andrew

was because he was a royal pain in the ass.

Anticipating her future as a single parent,

Fergie has joined the support group Parents without Partners.

And facing jail this Wednesday, Leona Helmsley is looking

into a similar organization called Bitches without Riches.

( cheering and applause )

In more troubling medical news,

scientists have reported yet another unexpected side effect

from silicone breast implant.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( applause )

( doorbell buzzes )

Hello.

I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m having a dinner party.

- And? - And I’m out of spermicidal jelly.

Come in.

Thank you.

Would Tayster’s Choice be too good for your guests?

Oh, I think they could get used to it.

It’s a very sophisticated spermicidal jelly.

They have very sophisticated tastes.

Do they?

Yes. Well, I must be getting back.

Announcer: Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

So, have you met your new neighbor yet?

Oh, I’ve popped in for a spermicidal jelly.

( cheering and applause )

Hi! I’m Phil Hartman.

You know, one of the great pleasures

of being a cast member here at Saturday Night Live

is that I’m given the opportunity to pretend.

And part of that pretending, of course,

is that I get to wear so many wigs.

Wigs that can change my look completely.

And I have a secret to share. I’m in love with my wigs.

And now you can be too.

I’m introducing a new line of men’s wigs

called Phil Hartman Creations.

So fellows, you can change wigs

as often as you change your mood.

*

Meet Troy.

Troy is for when you wanna feel successful and cocky.

This hairstyle says, "I’m gonna get everything out of life.

I’m Troy!

And I’m not afraid of working hard, taking risks,

or committing to intimate relationships."

I like to wear this one when I play football with my son.

*

Say hi to Anton.

When you’re wearing Anton,

English instantly becomes your second language.

You’ll look mysterious, sexy,

and just a little dangerous.

I was wearing my Anton when I met my wife.

Of course, I eventually dropped the accent and took the wig off.

She felt betrayed, but by that time,

she was pregnant, and well-- ( chuckles )

I could go on, but I have a few more of my creations

to show you.

*

I call this wig Jimmy.

Jimmy is--well, frankly, Jimmy is somewhat of a geek.

It’s for those times when you feel like a loser

and you just wanna look like one, too.

Last year, I was audited by the IRS.

I simply slipped on this Jimmy,

and the auditor gave me a total refund

and some food stamps.

I felt so good afterwards, I had to put on a Troy.

( laughter )

*

I call this wig Gloria.

Gloria is for those times

when, well, you feel a little naughty.

Gloria is all candles and moonlight.

All pink taffeta and secret longings.

I like to wear Gloria when I sit on the beach alone

and sip champagne on the sand.

There you are, all my creations.

If you order now, you’ll get a special bonus.

I’m wearing it right now.

It’s called the Phil.

Announcer: Phil Hartman Creations.

Order now.

( cheering and applause )

*

( doorbell buzzes )

Excuse me.

You saved my life the other night.

( chuckles ) The dinner party.

The spermicidal jelly.

Very successful.

How can you ever thank me?

I’ll think of something.

But in the meantime,

at least I can return your Tayster’s Choice.

Look, I’m busy right now, but perhaps--

Perhaps.

Announcer: Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

Just my neighbor.

How was the spermicidal jelly?

Perfect.

Where did you get it from?

Oh, I...have it delivered.

( applause )

*

We’re closing now, right?

Closing? Who said?

- You did! - I never said that!

You did, you mind-changing, schedule-forgetting fool!

Well, tonight, I want to stay open,

you clock-watching, early-closing,

lazy, non-working, back-talking--

Okay, I’ll stay late!

You late-staying, always-agreeing, butt-kissing--

All I wanna know is, when are we gonna close up and go?

You "when-are-we-gonna-close-up- and-go" asking,

turtleneck-wearing, attitude-giving, freeloading,

going-in-the-back-room, butt-wiggling,

non-listening...

you coming-in-from-the-back-room,

box-carrying, teeth-sucking, head-shaking,

husband-ignoring, you not-hearing,

product-unloading, second-aisle-reshelving,

new-price-tag-sticking, inventory-taking.

Thinking I was done, well, I’m not done

’cause I’m still talking, I got more to say,

like, you hairnet-wearing,

uh, uh, ozone-destroying, um...

greenhouse effect-having, collossol-city-drowning,

polar-ice-cap-melting, price-tag-earring-wearing,

walking-out-of-my-sight,

ducking-down- behind-the-damn-thing.

Oh.

.38-caliber-pistol-shooting, pointed at me--

( gunshot )

Husband-shooting, mess-making--

( gunshot )

Two-time-shooting- neither-time-fairly-wounded--

( gunshot )

Okay, let’s close the store.

( cheering and applause )

*

You’re right, I’m not.

You don’t believe your own brother?

Come on, I’m really sorry that I’m late.

I think you know everyone here, except...

Oh, we’ve met.

We, uh, share the same taste in spermicidal jelly.

Announcer: Savor the sophistication

of Tayster’s Choice Spermicidal Jelly.

Are you always this late?

I won’t be tomorrow.

What’s happening tomorrow?

- I’m inviting you to dinner. - ( scoffs )

What makes you think I’ll accept?

- You can’t resist my spermicidal jelly? - ( chuckles )

( cheering and applause )

Sorry I’m late, honey.

Oh, that’s okay, Don.

I guess you were working hard on that big new movie

you’ve been telling me about.

Yes.

Darling, if we’re gonna be married soon,

I want us to start out right by being completely honest

with each other.

I told you that I was a successful actor.

- Mm-hmm. - Well, that’s not exactly true.

I am an actor, but what I act in is porno movies.

I don’t care, Don.

I, too, have something to confess.

You know, when I told you that I was a scientist,

well, I am sort of a scientist,

a scientist of pornography.

We study how to make better pornography

by testing the effects that different types

of pornography have on people.

Are you disappointed?

No, my darling.

It’s just that--

Well, do you remember how I told you

we were going to live in a big beautiful house

- in the country? - Yes.

Well, here’s a picture of where we’re really going to live.

But this is a picture of a porno theater.

( sighs ) That’s right.

You see, when I’m not acting in porno films,

that’s where I work.

I’m the projectionist.

They gave me an apartment on the top floor to live in.

I guess you’re gonna feel pretty silly

wearing your princess crown in a porno theater.

( sighs ) Don, I’m not a princess.

You’re not?

Not of Luxembourg, at least, like I told you.

I’m a princess in a country called Pornographia.

Pornographia? Where is that?

It’s a little principality on the border of--

Oh, I’m lying again! I know where it is.

I’ve been there hundreds of times.

It’s okay, Don.

It’s okay

as long as we’re honest with each other.

We’ll start over.

And after all, you’ve always got your degree from Harvard.

Your MBA.

Marcia, my degree is from Harvard, but it isn’t an MBA.

It’s an MPA, Master of Pornographic Arts.

Oh, yeah, I’m a real scholar.

You know what the title of my thesis was?

Don’t do this to yourself, Don.

It was called "The Changing Symbolism

from 1945 to the Present of the Horny Dentist."

But doesn’t Harvard have the best porno school

in the country?

I suppose they do. Or Yale.

Don’t worry, Don, we’ll make it.

We’ll make it.

You’re right.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

*

( applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

*

Thanks so much for joining us. I had a wonderful time.

You guys are great. Thank you so much.

Oh, thank you.

( cheering and applause )

Good night everybody.

*