Original subtitles

Announcer: From the nation’s capital,

The McLaughlin Group, an unrehearsed,

hastily assembled program presenting inside opinions

and forecast on major issues of the day.

With Morton Kondracke, Fred Barnes,

Jack Germond,

and returning panelist Pat Buchanan.

Now here’s the moderator John MacLaughlin.

Before we proceed,

we welcome back our returning warrior Pat Buchanan.

- Thanks, John. - Issue one, Bush trounces Buchanan,

super Tuesday is clobber Buchanan day.

Now that Bush has scraped Buchanan off his shoe,

will his platform be affected either what I ought

about by the views of Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan! ( laughter )

Well, John, I think I made significant inroads

- into the Republic-- - Wrong!

Freddy Barnes scholar.

- Well, well, I think Pat ran a decent campaign-- - Wrong!

Tony Mulroney.

- Well, I don’t think Pat has anything to be ashamed of. - Wrong!

He had no impact whatsoever.

Issue two, on a scale of 1 to 10,

one being pathetically inadequate

and 10 being painfully inept,

how would you rate the Buchanan campaign?

Jack John Monopoly.

- I’d say about a five. - Wrong!

Morton Salt, when it rains it pours.

I’d give him an eight.

Wrong! Patty Rebuked-chanan.

Well, John the campaign isn’t actually over.

Wrong! It was over weeks ago.

You just haven’t been notified.

Well, John, you’re obviously painting a--

Wrong! Issue three, same as losers.

The 1952 Masters with Pat Buchanan, who would win?

Jack, wrong! Pat, wrong! Fred, wrong! Morton, wrong!

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

The correct answer is the Mets in a squeaker.

Next issue!

John, I don’t have to tolerate this--

Wrong! You do have to tolerate it. It’s my show.

Issue four, foreign aid.

Nixon says Russia needs more, should we put America first?

I ask you, Pat Buch-you-cannot-possibly-win.

I don’t know, John. Whatever.

What do you mean, Pat. Let’s go. This is your pet issue?

- I’m not in the mood, John. - Come on, Pat.

At least you’ve got three people here who would listen to you.

Odds are if you speak to them,

one out of three will vote for you.

I’ll pass.

Suit yourself. Issue five!

Is there any one person in the universe

who could not get a 30 percent protest vote

against an incumbent.

Fred Ballin Bailey.

David Duke?

Wrong! Jackey.

Al Sharpton?

Wrong! Martini and Raffy Asti Spumante.

- I don’t know. Maybe a cartoon character? - Wrong!

Don Quixote.

What?

I’m taking to you, Pat.

* To dream *

* The impossible dream *

( applause )

Who couldn’t get 30 percent?

- Okay, how about Adolf Hitler? - Correct answer.

Hitler would only have gotten 25 percent.

Good work, Pat.

John, you’re a tired, bitter old man.

Wrong! I’m a tired bitter old woman.

( laughter )

( applause )

Next issue! Issue six, predictions.

A new state would be created

that Pat can actually win a primary in.

It would be made entirely of Swiss cheese

and float in the Atlantic.

Stop it, John.

It would be peopled by little fairies

and be called fantasy land

and exist entirely in Pat’s head.

John, that’s enough.

All right, fine! Prediction two.

Pat’s gonna cry.

- I am not! - Wrong! You are too.

That’s it. I’m leaving.

Knock them dead in Connecticut. Bye, bye.

( laughter )

Oh, great, John. Now we’re short a guy.

Wrong! He’ll come crawling back.

Issue seven. How do we start the show?

Fred Bedhead.

Uh, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Wrong! ( music plays )

Wrong!

( laughter, applause )

( cheering )

Wrong! Jumbo Jack with cheese.

Uh, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?

Wrong! Morton What-a-dingy-dunder.

Well, I think it’s live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

Wrong! Just kidding you were all right.

Start the show.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, En Vogue...

and starring Mary Stuart Masterson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mary Stuart Masterson.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you very much!

Now it’s great to be here, hosting Saturday Night Live.

You know, most of you probably know me

from the movies I’ve done--

most recently, Fried Green Tomatoes.

( cheering and applause )

Wow! You’ve seen it. Thank you.

And if you didn’t see it,

my character was a young woman who was tough, yet vulnerable.

Of course, that’s basically how casting directors see me,

the young woman who is tough, yet "vulnerable."

But that’s not all I am.

So tonight, I’ve decided

to show you a different side of myself...

( cheering )

a side that is vulgar, yet stupid.

Three, four.

( music plays )

Okay.

( cheering and applause )

All right!

I really wish I hadn’t done that.

( man cheers )

Right now, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable,

but you know, I’m gonna be okay.

You know why? Because I’m tough.

And we’ve got a great show tonight.

En Vogue is here.

( cheering and applause ) Yeah, they’re great.

So don’t go away, we’ll be right back.

( cheering and applause )

* Action Cat *

Announcer: Uh-oh, it’s the big cat

with the big guns.

Wow!

But he’s no match for Missile Missy.

- Yeah, yeah! Fire! - Fire!

* Action Cats *

And look out, because here comes Stego-Puss!

* Action Cats *

Both: All right.

Collect all 22 Action Cats including Skele-Kitty,

Laser Gal...

Cat-Atomic, Spider Cat, and all the rest.

Then, you’ll say...

Both: Action Cats are awesome!

Buy now and get a free Mini-Mite.

* Action Cats *

Action Cats, by Kidco.

Batteries and cats sold separately.

No bills today, Mr. Billup, just your magazines:

Popular Mechanic, Soldier of Fortune, Golf Digest

- and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. - Super!

Let me get a look at those babes in that swimsuit issue.

( laughter )

Oh, really?

Actually, Mr. Billup, I was wondering

if I could keep the swimsuit issue,

- if you don’t mind? - Yeah, right.

I’m gonna give up the swimsuit issue. ( chuckles )

Well, sir, I just figured that,

you know, it’s not in the newsstands anymore

and I figured you wouldn’t miss it.

- And why would you figure that? - Well, you know--

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- What’s the holdup? - Nothing, dear.

Well, now I really am confused.

And why is that?

Well, you know, I thought you were gay.

What?

Well, that’s insane!

* He’s Lyle The effeminate heterosexual *

* He’s so terribly conjectural *

* Why he behaves that way *

* He’s not gay *

* He’s just Lyle *

* He’s swishy Yes, it’s true *

* But he’s as straight as me and probably you *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

* No sense Getting intellectual *

* Because nobody knows why *

* He runs like a girl He throws like a girl *

* Walks like a girl And talks like a girl *

* He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you So help me *

* He is all guy *

I’ll raise a 10.

I’m out.

I’ll see it.

Two pair.

Three jacks. Just read them and weep.

You win again, Lyle.

You know, I never get tired of looking at these women.

Check out the ass on page 47.

You just wanna eat it right off the page.

( laughter )

Man, look at Ashley Montana.

Oh, tell me about it. Count Jugula.

One of those is all I need.

A woman so beautiful, it’s intimidating.

Please, give me five minutes alone with her,

she’ll be screaming.

Well, you can’t have Cindy Crawford.

She’s married to Richard Gere.

I heard he’s a flamer.

Hi, everybody, how’s the poker game?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hi, honey. Love you.

Fellows, time to go. Game’s over.

Let’s go. ( chuckles )

Clear out.

Got the real thing right here.

- Okay. - Bye, guys.

- Bye-bye. - Honey, you didn’t have to rush them out.

Well, I just--I don’t know.

I just thought tonight might be sort of special.

Oh, good. ( phone rings )

I’ll get it. You just get ready for tonight.

Hello?

Yes, this is Lyle.

Yes, I was at the parade.

No, I wasn’t allowed to march.

No, I just can’t understand it either.

Well, yes, I think a protest would be a good idea,

because, I--

Cappuccino?

Why do you wanna meet me for cappuccino?

What is the name of your organization, young man?

What? Well, that is just insane!

Where on earth did you get that idea?

Listen, you little queen, don’t you call me again

or I swear I’ll break both your legs,

and you’ll never march again!

Geez, what a sick, sick city!

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Lisa.

How’s my little girl?

I don’t know.

- Dad, can we talk? - Yes.

Well, sure, precious.

I mean, that’s what I’m here for.

Thanks, Dad.

- Dad? - Yes?

When you were my age,

were you ever just so in love with a guy,

you just couldn’t get him out of your head?

What?

What do you mean, was I in love with a guy?

Well, you know, you just see his face everywhere,

and no other guy matters,

not even the captain of the football team.

Look, I’m sorry, but why are you asking me this?

Well, I don’t know. I mean, aren’t you gay?

What?

I don’t believe this!

Where do these people get this idea?

Listen, you’re lucky you’re a girl,

or I would smack your ass clear across this room!

Dad, I just wanted your advice.

Well, next time, ask me something

about a carburetor or something!

( doorbell dings )

- Yes? - Hi.

I have a singing telegram for Mr. Billup?

That’s me. That’s me. Come in.

He’s here.

* Happy Birthday, Mr. Billup *

* Happy Birthday, dear Lyle *

You remembered.

* It’s been a great year Mr. Billup *

* And you’ve done it in style *

* So remember, Mr. Billup *

* Cause you’re a special kind Of man *

Hold it! Hold it!

Stop it! Time out! This is disgusting!

Well, sir, this is what was ordered.

Well, I don’t think so.

Well, I thought you’d like it, dear.

I mean, after all, you’re gay.

What?

* He’s asked us to say *

* He’s straight and not gay He’s Lyle *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

*

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon, hemorrhoids sufferer.

A Weekend Updatepoll reports that Americans feel the country

is in dire straits for two basic reasons:

jobs are not available and Tammy Faye Bakker is.

( laughter )

Well, this week, a reporter asked Bill Clinton his opinion

of the so-called Rubbergate.

Clinton replied, "Let’s leave my sex life out of this."

Ask why so few Republicans were involved

in Rubbergate, House Minority Whip Newt Gingrich explained,

"That’s what SNLsare for."

And Defense Secretary Dick Cheney

held a press conference during which he admitted

to bouncing several huge checks...

( laughter )

bigger than normal.

Paul Tsongas dropped out

of the Democratic presidential race this week

saying he had no funds left for campaigning,

prompting one capital insider to observe,

"Any politician who stops spending

just because he’s out of money

doesn’t belong in Washington in the first place."

( laughter and cheering )

This just in, an update of the Democratic race,

Bill Clinton has 991 delegates and Jerry Brown has $991.

( laughter )

Well, the Bush administration has backed down

on the so-called gag rule forbidding doctors

and federally financed family planning clinics

from giving advice on abortions.

Now such counseling is permitted providing it is done

in Pig Latin.

Eway, e chomeneray, isday, acherday.

Well, that ought to make everybody happy, eh?

Hotel queen, Leona Helmsley, collapsed after being sentenced

to four years in prison for tax evasion.

To make matters worse, Helmsley will serve out her sentence

in an out-of-state penitentiary

which got a rating of only two stars

in the triple-A prison guide.

( applause )

And Leona claims that if she’s forced to spend

that much time alone with herself in any prison,

she’ll definitely die of disgust.

Well, inside sources report that Madonna

will appear in Michael Jackson’s upcoming In the Closetvideo.

In the video,

she and Michael will get stuffed in a dark closet

and accidentally grab each other’s crotch.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

After six years of marriage,

Prince Andrew and his wife Fergie

have announced that they will be separating.

In a generous move, Andrew’s brother Prince Charles

has offered to help them out

by lending each of them a sympathetic ear.

( laughter )

Observers in England predict the Royal Family

will attempt to discredit the Duchess of York

by saying that Fergie seriously overdrew her bank account.

Evidently, they don’t realize this would eminently qualify her

to run for our own House of Representatives.

Well, spring time is here

and that’s when most couples start preparing

for June weddings.

In Chicago alone, some 2,000 couples

have already registered to marry that month.

And now with some beauty tips for the brides to be,

here’s the reigning Ms. South side of Chicago,

Denise Swerski.

Denise? ( cheering and applause )

Hey, Kevin.

Having been a bridesmaids now six times,

thanks to my sisters and cousins,

I picked up a few tricks on how to be a beautiful bride.

So if there’s wedding bells in the air for you this June,

allow me to walk you through a quick bridal makeover.

Basically, there’s one simple rule to remember.

The makeup you wear for your wedding

should be the same as your everyday makeup,

only a lot more.

( laughter )

I suggest starting with a medium blue eye shadow

applied over the entire lid

’cause everybody knows blue eye shadow

makes anybody’s eyes look blue.

And if you’ve been crying and hysterical the night before

’cause you’re not so sure you love the guy,

a nice white concealer spread under the eyes

and out to the temple will hide any redness.

And as for eyebrows, forget them.

You don’t wanna look like some kind of freak

at your own wedding.

Now if you’re going for drop-dead glamour,

a peach blusher will give the illusion

of higher cheekbones

or better yet an allover bronzer will give you an instant tan.

( laughter )

Nothing looks better than a rich coco tan

coming at you through that bridal veil.

As for the dress, you know, wear whatever looks good.

I just hope that I can wear this tiara at my wedding

and I’m only allowed to wear it until 1993.

So Harry Larry, that’s my boyfriend,

if you’re watching, what wrong this picture, okay?

Well, ladies, I hope I’ve helped you prepare

for the most important day of your life.

- Thanks, Kevin. - Thanks, Denise.

Denise Swerski! ( cheering and applause )

Well, instant replay is dead at least for the 1992 NFL season.

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue said the replay

could be voted back next year if the system is improved.

Tagliabue. Tagliabue.

Did I pronounce that right?

Tagliabue. I’m not sure.

Can we look at that again?

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue said--

Yeah, just made it.

( laughter)

Well, in a related story,

lawyers for the LAPD are now hoping

that the NFL no replay ruling will apply to them as well.

At the Rodney King trial,

the defense for the L.A. Police department

is now trying to prove to jurors

that the camera doesn’t always tell the truth.

One defense lawyers argued that the police weren’t beating King,

but were simply trying to kill a bee that had landed on him.

( laughter )

A minor tragedy occurred today in McArthur Park

when someone left the cake out in the rain.

No word yet on the icing damage,

although the recipe is feared lost.

( laughter )

Lee Iacocca this week announced that he will not retire

after stepping down as the head of Chrysler Motors.

The man who designed the Mustang for Ford

will develop new breakfast cereals for General Mills.

First off the line, Lee IaCocca Puffs.

( laughter )

( applause )

Well, it’s March madness again, time for a visit

from our NCAA basketball tournament correspond,

the Cajunman.

Cajunman? ( cheering )

Hoo-wee.

Yeah, pow!

( whistles )

Cajunman, let’s get right to it. I wanna hear your picks.

Prediction?

Okay. We’ll start with the Southwest.

Who do you like coming out of that bracket?

Michigan.

( cheering )

Okay, the Wolverines.

Okay. How about the West?

UConn.

University of Connecticut. Okay, the Huskies.

I see. How about the Midwest?

USC.

USC?

Oh, that seems like an odd choice for you, Cajunman.

Trojans.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I got it.

Okay, now we come to the East.

Now Cajunman, earlier you said that--

you were saying that you feel that the East is the strongest

of all the four brackets.

Tough region.

All right then. Who do you like in the East?

Princeton, Fordham,

Old Dominion.

All right, Cajunman, I don’t know how to tell you this,

but each of these teams lost in the opening round.

Devastation.

Hm, Cajunman, are you telling me that you’ve bet on these games?

All my possessions.

Boy, what are you gonna do?

Smith & Wesson.

No, No, No! Cajunman. Cajunman,

Now, what’s going on?

Did you borrow that money from a loan shark?

Big Italian.

( laughter )

Are you gonna pay him back?

Donation?

( laughter ) Cajunman?

Why should people give you money to pay back your gambling debts?

Compassion?

Now Cajunman.

Tax reduction.

Well, Cajunman, so you don’t pay the guy.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Castration.

Oh.

Okay, Cajunman, I’ll cover you this time.

Much appreciation.

- Cajunman, everybody. - Kevin Nealon!

( cheering and applause )

Homosexual groups are protesting the provocative new movie

Basic Instincts saying it offers

an unfair homophobic depiction of a gay woman.

We have updates support the gay and lesbian activist

by giving away the end of the movie.

It’s a fade to credits.

( laughter )

Researchers are saying that 10 hours

of continuous gale force winds

might have caused the parting of the Red Sea

that is described in the Bible.

They also speculate that the Commandments

were actually on a top 10 list

from an ancient late-night talk show.

( laughter )

In an effort to calm

environmentally conscious consumers,

the recording industry announced last week

that it will replace traditionally oversized boxes

used to sell CDs with a yet to be designed smaller one.

Being considered as alternative packaging for the CDs,

the Styrofoam container and the spotted owl.

( laughter )

The creators of Joe Camel admitted this week

that the camel’s head is intended to look phallic,

but if you look at his penis, it looks just like a camel.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

And thousands of loyal fans held a Save-Joe-the-Camel rally

in Time Square yesterday.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

I am so excited.

This is gonna be the best alum week ever!

Yes, best ever!

Excuse me, but could my bangs be longer?

They’re too long.

- Are they? - Truth?

They’re perfect!

But in a week, they’re gonna be way too long.

Oh, my God!

Too long in a week?

- What a nightmare. - Yeah.

You are a friend.

Guys, our pledges have just put up

the best alum week banner on the entire street.

We have the best pledges.

The Zeta Tau Alphas are so envious of our pledges.

I hate Zetas.

Well, you know what ZTA stands for.

- What? - Zits, Tits and Armpits.

( chuckles )

Do you smell cinnamon?

I do. Do you?

Okay, time-out.

Guess who’s coming back for alum week?

- Tell. - Lisa Capshaw!

Oh, my God!

Lisa Capshaw was only the best president Delta ever had.

Look at my sweater, am I peeling?

( chuckles ) She had leadership qualities.

Do I have leadership qualities? I do.

You’re blush and contour are so balanced.

Thank you. It’s a kit.

( doorbell dings ) That’s the door!

- Get it. - I’m getting it!

- It’s Lisa! - Let her in!

- Hi! - Lisa!

( cheers )

* We love you, Lisa Oh, yes, we do *

* We don’t love anyone As much as you *

All: Hi!

Oh, my God! The house is so not changed.

I know.

Oh, my God!

You’ve redone your palette.

I had to.

The job market is so scary.

The economy has everyone worried.

It’s all over the news.

- Hugs. - Hugs, Lisa.

( all sighs )

It is so good to be back.

I hate my job. I’m so not happy with it.

A career can be such a bitch.

The real world is so scary!

( laughter )

Could that suit make you look more professional?

We are so envious of you.

No, I am envying you.

No! I--We are envying you!

Oh, my God!

No one is envying me!

No, I am envying you

because I’m so not appreciated where I am.

I was passed over for a promotion in my own office.

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- No! - No!

That’s so unfair.

- Your boss must be a Sigma Nu. - No.

- A Kappa Alpha? - No. Worse.

- They don’t care if you’re a Tri Delta... - ( gasps )

- or a Delta Zeta... - Oh!

- or a AD Pi... - No.

or an AO Pi.

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

I can’t hear you! I cannot hear you!

- That is so scary. - Let’s sing.

- * Did you ever know... * - * Did I ever tell you... *

All: * That you’re my hero? *

* You’re everything I would like to be *

* I can fly higher Than an eagle *

* ’Cause you are the wind Beneath my wings *

That was great!

I feel better. ( phone rings )

- That’s the phone. - I’ll get it!

- I will! - It’s ringing!

I’m getting it!

* Delta, Delta, Delta *

* Can I help you Help you, help you? *

Okay.

Yeah, she’s here.

Okay.

Who should I say is calling?

Okay.

It’s, um, a Jerry Bellinder?

Oh, my God. It’s my boss.

And I told him to call me here.

Hello? Yes?

Mr. Bellinder, uh-huh.

I can have it done by Monday.

Would you hold on for a second?

I’m gonna take this in the hall.

Would you hang up for me?

Okay. Sure.

All: Oh, my God!

[INAUDIBLE]

Could her phone voice be thicker?

She is so affected.

She has changed.

Her ends are so split.

I’m so afraid.

It’s like having a stranger in this house.

What happened to her can happen to us.

Oh, my God. I just realized I’m so not ready to graduate.

Neither am I.

You guys, let’s not graduate.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - Okay.

Your hair is so long and silky it looks like a scarf.

Thank you.

I have to go.

My boss is completely heading me.

I left some work at the hotel.

I hate the soap they have there, it’s so drying.

Anyway... ( chuckles )

* I love you Tri Delts Oh, yes, I do *

* I don’t love anyone... *

Well, you know the rest. Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Promise me one thing,

if I ever start a Tri Delta song and not finish it,

shoot me.

Are you guys hungry? I am. Are you?

- Let’s get a pizza or something. - Oh, my God, yes!

What should we get? ( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( laughter, applause )

( cheering )

*

Hey, kids. Are you afraid this might happen to you?

( monster growling )

Of course you are!

Your parents may tell you

there’s no such thing as monsters,

but you and I know different.

That’s why there’s Monster Spray!

Monster Spray keeps away everything,

from mummies to mutants.

Here’s how.

Before you go to bed,

simply spray Monster Spray all around the room.

Around doors, window sills, in closets, under beds,

any place where monsters might enter or hide.

Sure, Monster Spray is expensive,

a regular can cost $35, and new Monster Spray Plus,

which protects against monsters and murderers, cost $50.

But you can get the money, can you, kids?

Sure, you can.

Because Monster Spray really works.

It was tested by some really smart scientists

at this big laboratory.

( growling )

People used to think that monsters couldn’t touch blankets

or that praying to God would protect you. ( chuckles )

But if you want this...

( growls )

instead of this...

( growls )

( screaming )

( shouting )

Then better get Monster Spray before it gets dark.

Coming soon, new Dad Spray! ( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( applause )

( school bell rings )

All right, everybody settle down.

Let’s get seated. We only got an hour.

Johnson, get your feet off the desk.

All right, make sure you’re in the right seats

so we can get through this quick.

Erin?

- Anderson? - Right.

- Bell? - Here.

- Caldwell? - Yo, here.

- Desmon? - Here.

- Lucrasia Diane? - Here!

All right.

( gunshot ) ( groans )

( laughter )

Okay, who shot me?

And I’m not joking. Who shot me?

- Desmon, get out! - Hey, I didn’t do it, man.

I’m sitting right here, I ain’t see him shoot you!

Hey, man, every time you get shot you, blame me.

That’s because you did it the last time.

Yeah. Well, I didn’t do it this time.

- Caldwell. - What?

- Who shot me? - Yo, man, I was asleep!

Fine. Fine.

Philippe, Rashid, Prince B., Sir Ice?

Okay, fine.

Don’t try me today people, okay? I’m not in the mood.

( gunshot ) ( groans )

Okay. All right.

Who did that?

It’s not funny.

You just missed my heart!

Who has the gun?

Hannibal?

Rashida? Juan?

I don’t know what you’re talking about, man.

Fine. Fine. Okay.

I’m gonna turn my back and count to 10.

Whoever has that gun, put it on my desk

and there’d be no questions asked.

One, two--

( gunshot ) Oh!

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy. That’s it!

Excuse me.

Mr. McKenzie, what is going on in here?

All right, all right, quiet down! Quiet down!

I’m trying to teach a class next door.

Wait. Who’s reloading? Caldwell?

No, man, no. Sorry, man.

Just catching my, uh--

Someone in my class has been shooting at me.

I refuse to believe

that these people would do something like that.

Oh, please.

Maybe it’s your approach.

( tongue clicks ) Yo, listen, hommies,

I understand you wanna have some laughs,

but dig, we’re just trying to do our gig and make some duckets.

In fact, this reminds me of a story

about a really cool G named Socrates.

Now Socrates tried to "drop" some science.

He was punished for what he taught.

Now he was fly. ( gunshot )

All right, who grazed me?

( gunshots )

Okay, okay, I’m leaving.

Sorry, I couldn’t be of more help.

That’s great! That’s great!

Embarrass me in front of Ms. Ketcham.

Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna leave the room, when I come back in here,

I wanna see that firearm on the desk.

*

Okay.

Glad to see you came to your senses.

Now let’s continue with the lesson, huh?

All right, the declaration of-- ( gun cocks )

I heard that!

Declaration...

( guns cocking )

of independence was written--

( guns firing )

Okay, who did that?

( cheering and applause )

Sir, could you help me out?

I haven’t eaten all day.

( thinking) Hmm.

I’d like to help this guy,

but how do I know he’s going to spend it on food?

( harp playing )

Of course what’s a couple of bucks to me?

Probably means a lot more to him.

( harp plays )

Then again, maybe giving him money

kind of robs him of his dignity.

( harp plays )

Maybe I should give the money to a homeless organization

that provides food and shelter.

That would probably be the most responsible thing to do.

( harp plays )

Maybe I should just take him home.

That’s probably the Christian thing to do.

( electronic keyboard plays )

Nah! Maybe not.

Maybe I should just give him a few bucks.

( harp plays )

Hmm. Forgot to hit the cash machine today.

I better keep this money.

I may need it for something.

( harp plays )

Sorry, pal, not tonight.

( electronic keyboard plays )

( screaming )

( applause )

*

Well, it’s time for us to say goodbye.

We should thank this great musical guest, En Vogue.

( cheering and applause )

And this amazing, amazing cast!

I had a great time!

Bye!

*