All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E16.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

Announcer:
From the nation’s capital,

The McLaughlin Group,
an unrehearsed,

hastily assembled program
presenting inside opinions

and forecast
on major issues of the day.

With Morton Kondracke,
Fred Barnes,

Jack Germond,

and returning panelist
Pat Buchanan.

Now here’s the moderator
John MacLaughlin.

Before we proceed,

we welcome back our returning
warrior Pat Buchanan.

- Thanks, John.
- Issue one,
Bush trounces Buchanan,

super Tuesday
is clobber Buchanan day.

Now that Bush has scraped
Buchanan off his shoe,

will his platform be affected
either what I ought

about by the views
of Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan!
( laughter )

Well, John, I think
I made significant inroads

- into the Republic--
- Wrong!

Freddy Barnes scholar.

- Well, well, I think Pat
ran a decent campaign--
- Wrong!

Tony Mulroney.

- Well, I don’t think Pat
has anything to be ashamed of.
- Wrong!

He had no impact whatsoever.

Issue two,
on a scale of 1 to 10,

one being
pathetically inadequate

and 10 being painfully inept,

how would you rate
the Buchanan campaign?

Jack John Monopoly.

- I’d say about a five.
- Wrong!

Morton Salt,
when it rains it pours.

I’d give him an eight.

Wrong! Patty Rebuked-chanan.

Well, John the campaign
isn’t actually over.

Wrong! It was over weeks ago.

You just haven’t been notified.

Well, John,
you’re obviously painting a--

Wrong!
Issue three, same as losers.

The 1952 Masters with
Pat Buchanan, who would win?

Jack, wrong! Pat, wrong!
Fred, wrong! Morton, wrong!

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

The correct answer
is the Mets in a squeaker.

Next issue!

John, I don’t have
to tolerate this--

Wrong! You do have
to tolerate it. It’s my show.

Issue four, foreign aid.

Nixon says Russia needs more,
should we put America first?

I ask you, Pat
Buch-you-cannot-possibly-win.

I don’t know, John. Whatever.

What do you mean, Pat. Let’s go.
This is your pet issue?

- I’m not in the mood, John.
- Come on, Pat.

At least you’ve got three people
here who would listen to you.

Odds are if you speak to them,

one out of three
will vote for you.

I’ll pass.

Suit yourself. Issue five!

Is there any one person
in the universe

who could not get
a 30 percent protest vote

against an incumbent.

Fred Ballin Bailey.

David Duke?

Wrong! Jackey.

Al Sharpton?

Wrong!
Martini and Raffy Asti Spumante.

- I don’t know.
Maybe a cartoon character?
- Wrong!

Don Quixote.

What?

I’m taking to you, Pat.

* To dream *

* The impossible dream *

( applause )

Who couldn’t get 30 percent?

- Okay, how about Adolf Hitler?
- Correct answer.

Hitler would only have gotten
25 percent.

Good work, Pat.

John, you’re a tired,
bitter old man.

Wrong!
I’m a tired bitter old woman.

( laughter )

( applause )

Next issue!
Issue six, predictions.

A new state would be created

that Pat can actually win
a primary in.

It would be made entirely
of Swiss cheese

and float in the Atlantic.

Stop it, John.

It would be peopled
by little fairies

and be called fantasy land

and exist entirely
in Pat’s head.

John, that’s enough.

All right, fine!
Prediction two.

Pat’s gonna cry.

- I am not!
- Wrong! You are too.

That’s it. I’m leaving.

Knock them dead in Connecticut.
Bye, bye.

( laughter )

Oh, great, John.
Now we’re short a guy.

Wrong!
He’ll come crawling back.

Issue seven.
How do we start the show?

Fred Bedhead.

Uh, live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.

Wrong!
( music plays )

Wrong!

( laughter, applause )

( cheering )

Wrong!
Jumbo Jack with cheese.

Uh, live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night?

Wrong!
Morton What-a-dingy-dunder.

Well, I think it’s live
from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

Wrong!
Just kidding you were all right.

Start the show.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, En Vogue...

and starring
Mary Stuart Masterson.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mary Stuart Masterson.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you very much!

Now it’s great to be here,
hosting Saturday Night Live.

You know,
most of you probably know me

from the movies I’ve done--

most recently,
Fried Green Tomatoes.

( cheering and applause )

Wow! You’ve seen it.
Thank you.

And if you didn’t see it,

my character was a young woman
who was tough, yet vulnerable.

Of course, that’s basically
how casting directors see me,

the young woman who is tough,
yet "vulnerable."

But that’s not all I am.

So tonight, I’ve decided

to show you a different side
of myself...

( cheering )

a side that is vulgar,
yet stupid.

Three, four.

( music plays )

Okay.

( cheering and applause )

All right!

I really wish
I hadn’t done that.

( man cheers )

Right now,
I’m feeling pretty vulnerable,

but you know,
I’m gonna be okay.

You know why?
Because I’m tough.

And we’ve got
a great show tonight.

En Vogue is here.

( cheering and applause )
Yeah, they’re great.

So don’t go away,
we’ll be right back.

( cheering and applause )

* Action Cat *

Announcer: Uh-oh,
it’s the big cat

with the big guns.

Wow!

But he’s no match
for Missile Missy.

- Yeah, yeah! Fire!
- Fire!

* Action Cats *

And look out,
because here comes Stego-Puss!

* Action Cats *

Both: All right.

Collect all 22 Action Cats
including Skele-Kitty,

Laser Gal...

Cat-Atomic, Spider Cat,
and all the rest.

Then, you’ll say...

Both: Action Cats are awesome!

Buy now and get
a free Mini-Mite.

* Action Cats *

Action Cats, by Kidco.

Batteries and cats
sold separately.

No bills today, Mr. Billup,
just your magazines:

Popular Mechanic, Soldier
of Fortune, Golf Digest

- and the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue.
- Super!

Let me get a look at those babes
in that swimsuit issue.

( laughter )

Oh, really?

Actually, Mr. Billup,
I was wondering

if I could keep
the swimsuit issue,

- if you don’t mind?
- Yeah, right.

I’m gonna give up
the swimsuit issue. ( chuckles )

Well, sir,
I just figured that,

you know, it’s not
in the newsstands anymore

and I figured
you wouldn’t miss it.

- And why would you figure that?
- Well, you know--

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- What’s the holdup?
- Nothing, dear.

Well, now I really am confused.

And why is that?

Well, you know,
I thought you were gay.

What?

Well, that’s insane!

* He’s Lyle
The effeminate heterosexual *

* He’s so terribly conjectural *

* Why he behaves that way *

* He’s not gay *

* He’s just Lyle *

* He’s swishy
Yes, it’s true *

* But he’s as straight as me
and probably you *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

* No sense
Getting intellectual *

* Because nobody knows why *

* He runs like a girl
He throws like a girl *

* Walks like a girl
And talks like a girl *

* He’s Lyle and I’ll tell you
So help me *

* He is all guy *

I’ll raise a 10.

I’m out.

I’ll see it.

Two pair.

Three jacks.
Just read them and weep.

You win again, Lyle.

You know, I never get tired
of looking at these women.

Check out the ass on page 47.

You just wanna eat it
right off the page.

( laughter )

Man, look at Ashley Montana.

Oh, tell me about it.
Count Jugula.

One of those is all I need.

A woman so beautiful,
it’s intimidating.

Please, give me five minutes
alone with her,

she’ll be screaming.

Well,
you can’t have Cindy Crawford.

She’s married to Richard Gere.

I heard he’s a flamer.

Hi, everybody,
how’s the poker game?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hi, honey. Love you.

Fellows, time to go.
Game’s over.

Let’s go. ( chuckles )

Clear out.

Got the real thing right here.

- Okay.
- Bye, guys.

- Bye-bye.
- Honey, you didn’t have
to rush them out.

Well, I just--I don’t know.

I just thought tonight
might be sort of special.

Oh, good.
( phone rings )

I’ll get it.
You just get ready for tonight.

Hello?

Yes, this is Lyle.

Yes, I was at the parade.

No, I wasn’t allowed to march.

No, I just
can’t understand it either.

Well, yes, I think a protest
would be a good idea,

because, I--

Cappuccino?

Why do you wanna meet me
for cappuccino?

What is the name
of your organization, young man?

What?
Well, that is just insane!

Where on earth
did you get that idea?

Listen, you little queen,
don’t you call me again

or I swear
I’ll break both your legs,

and you’ll never march again!

Geez, what a sick, sick city!

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Lisa.

How’s my little girl?

I don’t know.

- Dad, can we talk?
- Yes.

Well, sure, precious.

I mean,
that’s what I’m here for.

Thanks, Dad.

- Dad?
- Yes?

When you were my age,

were you ever just so in love
with a guy,

you just couldn’t get him
out of your head?

What?

What do you mean,
was I in love with a guy?

Well, you know, you just see
his face everywhere,

and no other guy matters,

not even the captain
of the football team.

Look, I’m sorry,
but why are you asking me this?

Well, I don’t know.
I mean, aren’t you gay?

What?

I don’t believe this!

Where do these people
get this idea?

Listen,
you’re lucky you’re a girl,

or I would smack your ass
clear across this room!

Dad, I just wanted your advice.

Well, next time,
ask me something

about a carburetor
or something!

( doorbell dings )

- Yes?
- Hi.

I have a singing telegram
for Mr. Billup?

That’s me. That’s me.
Come in.

He’s here.

* Happy Birthday, Mr. Billup *

* Happy Birthday, dear Lyle *

You remembered.

* It’s been a great year
Mr. Billup *

* And you’ve done it in style *

* So remember, Mr. Billup *

* Cause you’re a special kind
Of man *

Hold it! Hold it!

Stop it! Time out!
This is disgusting!

Well, sir,
this is what was ordered.

Well, I don’t think so.

Well, I thought
you’d like it, dear.

I mean, after all, you’re gay.

What?

* He’s asked us to say *

* He’s straight and not gay
He’s Lyle *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

*

Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon,
hemorrhoids sufferer.

A Weekend Updatepoll reports
that Americans feel the country

is in dire straits
for two basic reasons:

jobs are not available
and Tammy Faye Bakker is.

( laughter )

Well, this week, a reporter
asked Bill Clinton his opinion

of the so-called Rubbergate.

Clinton replied, "Let’s leave
my sex life out of this."

Ask why so few Republicans
were involved

in Rubbergate, House Minority
Whip Newt Gingrich explained,

"That’s what SNLsare for."

And Defense Secretary
Dick Cheney

held a press conference
during which he admitted

to bouncing
several huge checks...

( laughter )

bigger than normal.

Paul Tsongas dropped out

of the Democratic
presidential race this week

saying he had no funds left
for campaigning,

prompting one capital insider
to observe,

"Any politician
who stops spending

just because he’s out of money

doesn’t belong in Washington
in the first place."

( laughter and cheering )

This just in, an update
of the Democratic race,

Bill Clinton has 991 delegates
and Jerry Brown has $991.

( laughter )

Well, the Bush administration
has backed down

on the so-called gag rule
forbidding doctors

and federally financed
family planning clinics

from giving advice on abortions.

Now such counseling is permitted
providing it is done

in Pig Latin.

Eway, e chomeneray,
isday, acherday.

Well, that ought
to make everybody happy, eh?

Hotel queen, Leona Helmsley,
collapsed after being sentenced

to four years in prison
for tax evasion.

To make matters worse, Helmsley
will serve out her sentence

in an out-of-state penitentiary

which got a rating
of only two stars

in the triple-A prison guide.

( applause )

And Leona claims
that if she’s forced to spend

that much time alone
with herself in any prison,

she’ll definitely die
of disgust.

Well, inside sources report
that Madonna

will appear in Michael Jackson’s
upcoming In the Closetvideo.

In the video,

she and Michael will get stuffed
in a dark closet

and accidentally grab
each other’s crotch.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

After six years of marriage,

Prince Andrew
and his wife Fergie

have announced
that they will be separating.

In a generous move,
Andrew’s brother Prince Charles

has offered to help them out

by lending each of them
a sympathetic ear.

( laughter )

Observers in England
predict the Royal Family

will attempt
to discredit the Duchess of York

by saying that Fergie seriously
overdrew her bank account.

Evidently, they don’t realize
this would eminently qualify her

to run for our own House
of Representatives.

Well, spring time is here

and that’s when
most couples start preparing

for June weddings.

In Chicago alone,
some 2,000 couples

have already registered
to marry that month.

And now with some beauty tips
for the brides to be,

here’s the reigning
Ms. South side of Chicago,

Denise Swerski.

Denise?
( cheering and applause )

Hey, Kevin.

Having been a bridesmaids now
six times,

thanks to my sisters
and cousins,

I picked up a few tricks
on how to be a beautiful bride.

So if there’s wedding bells
in the air for you this June,

allow me to walk you
through a quick bridal makeover.

Basically, there’s one simple
rule to remember.

The makeup you wear
for your wedding

should be the same
as your everyday makeup,

only a lot more.

( laughter )

I suggest starting
with a medium blue eye shadow

applied over the entire lid

’cause everybody
knows blue eye shadow

makes anybody’s eyes look blue.

And if you’ve been crying
and hysterical the night before

’cause you’re not so sure
you love the guy,

a nice white concealer
spread under the eyes

and out to the temple
will hide any redness.

And as for eyebrows,
forget them.

You don’t wanna look like
some kind of freak

at your own wedding.

Now if you’re going
for drop-dead glamour,

a peach blusher
will give the illusion

of higher cheekbones

or better yet an allover bronzer
will give you an instant tan.

( laughter )

Nothing looks better
than a rich coco tan

coming at you
through that bridal veil.

As for the dress, you know,
wear whatever looks good.

I just hope that I can wear
this tiara at my wedding

and I’m only allowed to wear it
until 1993.

So Harry Larry,
that’s my boyfriend,

if you’re watching,
what wrong this picture, okay?

Well, ladies,
I hope I’ve helped you prepare

for the most important day
of your life.

- Thanks, Kevin.
- Thanks, Denise.

Denise Swerski!
( cheering and applause )

Well, instant replay is dead at
least for the 1992 NFL season.

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue
said the replay

could be voted back next year
if the system is improved.

Tagliabue. Tagliabue.

Did I pronounce that right?

Tagliabue.
I’m not sure.

Can we look at that again?

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue
said--

Yeah, just made it.

( laughter)

Well, in a related story,

lawyers for the LAPD
are now hoping

that the NFL no replay ruling
will apply to them as well.

At the Rodney King trial,

the defense
for the L.A. Police department

is now trying to prove to jurors

that the camera
doesn’t always tell the truth.

One defense lawyers argued that
the police weren’t beating King,

but were simply trying to kill
a bee that had landed on him.

( laughter )

A minor tragedy occurred today
in McArthur Park

when someone left the cake
out in the rain.

No word yet on the icing damage,

although the recipe
is feared lost.

( laughter )

Lee Iacocca this week announced
that he will not retire

after stepping down as the head
of Chrysler Motors.

The man who designed the Mustang
for Ford

will develop new breakfast
cereals for General Mills.

First off the line,
Lee IaCocca Puffs.

( laughter )

( applause )

Well, it’s March madness again,
time for a visit

from our NCAA basketball
tournament correspond,

the Cajunman.

Cajunman?
( cheering )

Hoo-wee.

Yeah, pow!

( whistles )

Cajunman, let’s get right to it.
I wanna hear your picks.

Prediction?

Okay.
We’ll start with the Southwest.

Who do you like coming out
of that bracket?

Michigan.

( cheering )

Okay, the Wolverines.

Okay. How about the West?

UConn.

University of Connecticut.
Okay, the Huskies.

I see.
How about the Midwest?

USC.

USC?

Oh, that seems like an odd
choice for you, Cajunman.

Trojans.

Oh, okay.
Yeah, I got it.

Okay, now we come to the East.

Now Cajunman,
earlier you said that--

you were saying that you feel
that the East is the strongest

of all the four brackets.

Tough region.

All right then.
Who do you like in the East?

Princeton, Fordham,

Old Dominion.

All right, Cajunman, I don’t
know how to tell you this,

but each of these teams
lost in the opening round.

Devastation.

Hm, Cajunman, are you telling me
that you’ve bet on these games?

All my possessions.

Boy, what are you gonna do?

Smith & Wesson.

No, No, No!
Cajunman. Cajunman,

Now, what’s going on?

Did you borrow that money
from a loan shark?

Big Italian.

( laughter )

Are you gonna pay him back?

Donation?

( laughter )
Cajunman?

Why should people give you money
to pay back your gambling debts?

Compassion?

Now Cajunman.

Tax reduction.

Well, Cajunman,
so you don’t pay the guy.

What’s the worst
that could happen?

Castration.

Oh.

Okay, Cajunman,
I’ll cover you this time.

Much appreciation.

- Cajunman, everybody.
- Kevin Nealon!

( cheering and applause )

Homosexual groups are protesting
the provocative new movie

Basic Instincts
saying it offers

an unfair homophobic depiction
of a gay woman.

We have updates support the gay
and lesbian activist

by giving away the end
of the movie.

It’s a fade to credits.

( laughter )

Researchers are saying
that 10 hours

of continuous gale force winds

might have caused the parting
of the Red Sea

that is described in the Bible.

They also speculate
that the Commandments

were actually on a top 10 list

from an ancient
late-night talk show.

( laughter )

In an effort to calm

environmentally
conscious consumers,

the recording industry
announced last week

that it will replace
traditionally oversized boxes

used to sell CDs with a yet
to be designed smaller one.

Being considered as alternative
packaging for the CDs,

the Styrofoam container
and the spotted owl.

( laughter )

The creators of Joe Camel
admitted this week

that the camel’s head
is intended to look phallic,

but if you look at his penis,
it looks just like a camel.

( laughter )

( cheering and applause )

And thousands of loyal fans
held a Save-Joe-the-Camel rally

in Time Square yesterday.

I’m Kevin Nealon,
and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

I am so excited.

This is gonna be
the best alum week ever!

Yes, best ever!

Excuse me,
but could my bangs be longer?

They’re too long.

- Are they?
- Truth?

They’re perfect!

But in a week,
they’re gonna be way too long.

Oh, my God!

Too long in a week?

- What a nightmare.
- Yeah.

You are a friend.

Guys, our pledges
have just put up

the best alum week banner
on the entire street.

We have the best pledges.

The Zeta Tau Alphas
are so envious of our pledges.

I hate Zetas.

Well, you know
what ZTA stands for.

- What?
- Zits, Tits and Armpits.

( chuckles )

Do you smell cinnamon?

I do. Do you?

Okay, time-out.

Guess who’s coming back
for alum week?

- Tell.
- Lisa Capshaw!

Oh, my God!

Lisa Capshaw was only the best
president Delta ever had.

Look at my sweater,
am I peeling?

( chuckles )
She had leadership qualities.

Do I have leadership qualities?
I do.

You’re blush and contour
are so balanced.

Thank you. It’s a kit.

( doorbell dings )
That’s the door!

- Get it.
- I’m getting it!

- It’s Lisa!
- Let her in!

- Hi!
- Lisa!

( cheers )

* We love you, Lisa
Oh, yes, we do *

* We don’t love anyone
As much as you *

All: Hi!

Oh, my God!
The house is so not changed.

I know.

Oh, my God!

You’ve redone your palette.

I had to.

The job market is so scary.

The economy
has everyone worried.

It’s all over the news.

- Hugs.
- Hugs, Lisa.

( all sighs )

It is so good to be back.

I hate my job.
I’m so not happy with it.

A career can be such a bitch.

The real world is so scary!

( laughter )

Could that suit make you look
more professional?

We are so envious of you.

No, I am envying you.

No! I--We are envying you!

Oh, my God!

No one is envying me!

No, I am envying you

because I’m so not appreciated
where I am.

I was passed over for
a promotion in my own office.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- No!
- No!

That’s so unfair.

- Your boss must be a Sigma Nu.
- No.

- A Kappa Alpha?
- No. Worse.

- They don’t care
if you’re a Tri Delta...
- ( gasps )

- or a Delta Zeta...
- Oh!

- or a AD Pi...
- No.

or an AO Pi.

Oh, stop it! Stop it!

I can’t hear you!
I cannot hear you!

- That is so scary.
- Let’s sing.

- * Did you ever know... *
- * Did I ever tell you... *

All:
* That you’re my hero? *

* You’re everything
I would like to be *

* I can fly higher
Than an eagle *

* ’Cause you are the wind
Beneath my wings *

That was great!

I feel better.
( phone rings )

- That’s the phone.
- I’ll get it!

- I will!
- It’s ringing!

I’m getting it!

* Delta, Delta, Delta *

* Can I help you
Help you, help you? *

Okay.

Yeah, she’s here.

Okay.

Who should I say is calling?

Okay.

It’s, um, a Jerry Bellinder?

Oh, my God. It’s my boss.

And I told him to call me here.

Hello? Yes?

Mr. Bellinder, uh-huh.

I can have it done by Monday.

Would you hold on for a second?

I’m gonna take this
in the hall.

Would you hang up for me?

Okay. Sure.

All: Oh, my God!

[INAUDIBLE]

Could her phone voice
be thicker?

She is so affected.

She has changed.

Her ends are so split.

I’m so afraid.

It’s like having a stranger
in this house.

What happened to her
can happen to us.

Oh, my God. I just realized
I’m so not ready to graduate.

Neither am I.

You guys,
let’s not graduate.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Your hair is so long and silky
it looks like a scarf.

Thank you.

I have to go.

My boss
is completely heading me.

I left some work at the hotel.

I hate the soap they have there,
it’s so drying.

Anyway...
( chuckles )

* I love you Tri Delts
Oh, yes, I do *

* I don’t love anyone... *

Well, you know the rest.
Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Promise me one thing,

if I ever start a Tri Delta song
and not finish it,

shoot me.

Are you guys hungry?
I am. Are you?

- Let’s get a pizza
or something.
- Oh, my God, yes!

What should we get?
( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( laughter, applause )

( cheering )

*

Hey, kids. Are you afraid
this might happen to you?

( monster growling )

Of course you are!

Your parents may tell you

there’s no such thing
as monsters,

but you and I know different.

That’s why
there’s Monster Spray!

Monster Spray
keeps away everything,

from mummies to mutants.

Here’s how.

Before you go to bed,

simply spray Monster Spray
all around the room.

Around doors, window sills,
in closets, under beds,

any place where monsters
might enter or hide.

Sure,
Monster Spray is expensive,

a regular can cost $35,
and new Monster Spray Plus,

which protects against monsters
and murderers, cost $50.

But you can get the money,
can you, kids?

Sure, you can.

Because Monster Spray
really works.

It was tested
by some really smart scientists

at this big laboratory.

( growling )

People used to think that
monsters couldn’t touch blankets

or that praying to God
would protect you. ( chuckles )

But if you want this...

( growls )

instead of this...

( growls )

( screaming )

( shouting )

Then better get Monster Spray
before it gets dark.

Coming soon, new Dad Spray!
( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( applause )

( school bell rings )

All right,
everybody settle down.

Let’s get seated.
We only got an hour.

Johnson,
get your feet off the desk.

All right, make sure
you’re in the right seats

so we can
get through this quick.

Erin?

- Anderson?
- Right.

- Bell?
- Here.

- Caldwell?
- Yo, here.

- Desmon?
- Here.

- Lucrasia Diane?
- Here!

All right.

( gunshot )
( groans )

( laughter )

Okay, who shot me?

And I’m not joking.
Who shot me?

- Desmon, get out!
- Hey, I didn’t do it, man.

I’m sitting right here,
I ain’t see him shoot you!

Hey, man, every time
you get shot you, blame me.

That’s because you did it
the last time.

Yeah. Well,
I didn’t do it this time.

- Caldwell.
- What?

- Who shot me?
- Yo, man, I was asleep!

Fine. Fine.

Philippe, Rashid,
Prince B., Sir Ice?

Okay, fine.

Don’t try me today people, okay?
I’m not in the mood.

( gunshot )
( groans )

Okay. All right.

Who did that?

It’s not funny.

You just missed my heart!

Who has the gun?

Hannibal?

Rashida? Juan?

I don’t know
what you’re talking about, man.

Fine. Fine. Okay.

I’m gonna turn my back
and count to 10.

Whoever has that gun,
put it on my desk

and there’d be
no questions asked.

One, two--

( gunshot )
Oh!

Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
That’s it!

Excuse me.

Mr. McKenzie,
what is going on in here?

All right, all right,
quiet down! Quiet down!

I’m trying
to teach a class next door.

Wait. Who’s reloading?
Caldwell?

No, man, no. Sorry, man.

Just catching my, uh--

Someone in my class
has been shooting at me.

I refuse to believe

that these people
would do something like that.

Oh, please.

Maybe it’s your approach.

( tongue clicks )
Yo, listen, hommies,

I understand
you wanna have some laughs,

but dig, we’re just trying to do
our gig and make some duckets.

In fact,
this reminds me of a story

about a really cool G
named Socrates.

Now Socrates
tried to "drop" some science.

He was punished
for what he taught.

Now he was fly.
( gunshot )

All right, who grazed me?

( gunshots )

Okay, okay, I’m leaving.

Sorry,
I couldn’t be of more help.

That’s great! That’s great!

Embarrass me
in front of Ms. Ketcham.

Okay,
here’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m gonna leave the room,
when I come back in here,

I wanna see that firearm
on the desk.

*

Okay.

Glad to see
you came to your senses.

Now let’s continue
with the lesson, huh?

All right, the declaration of--
( gun cocks )

I heard that!

Declaration...

( guns cocking )

of independence was written--

( guns firing )

Okay, who did that?

( cheering and applause )

Sir, could you help me out?

I haven’t eaten all day.

( thinking) Hmm.

I’d like to help this guy,

but how do I know
he’s going to spend it on food?

( harp playing )

Of course
what’s a couple of bucks to me?

Probably means a lot more
to him.

( harp plays )

Then again,
maybe giving him money

kind of robs him
of his dignity.

( harp plays )

Maybe I should give the money
to a homeless organization

that provides food and shelter.

That would probably be the most
responsible thing to do.

( harp plays )

Maybe I should
just take him home.

That’s probably
the Christian thing to do.

( electronic keyboard plays )

Nah! Maybe not.

Maybe I should just give him
a few bucks.

( harp plays )

Hmm. Forgot to hit
the cash machine today.

I better keep this money.

I may need it for something.

( harp plays )

Sorry, pal, not tonight.

( electronic keyboard plays )

( screaming )

( applause )

*

Well, it’s time for us
to say goodbye.

We should thank this great
musical guest, En Vogue.

( cheering and applause )

And this amazing, amazing cast!

I had a great time!

Bye!

*