All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E15.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

Announcer: Now C-SPAN
continues its coverage

of the 1992
presidential campaign

withRoad to the White House.

On Friday, former California
Gov. Jerry Brown

spoke to the 17th Annual
Star Trek Convention

at the O’Hare Marriott Hotel.

Our C-SPAN camera,
the only camera we have,

was there,
as was our microphone.

Thank you.
Thank you, Trekkers.

Thank you very much.

Now I wanna say
that 23 years ago this fall,

Star Trekwas canceled.

And I think it’s a shame
and a travesty

that we don’t have a single
prime-time science fiction show

on our network schedule today.

And in the ’60s,

if you look at what we did
out there in California,

we had Outer Limits,
we had Twilight Zone,

Star Trek,
as well as Lost in Space,

and now all we’ve got

is Star Trek:
The Next Generation,

and that’s in syndication.

Now some people say
there’s not enough audience

for science fiction
on television,

but if you go back
and look at--

and look at when Star Trek
was canceled,

it had a 21 percent share
of the audience.

Now today, that’s a hit.

That’s a Knots Landing
or a Tequila and Bonetti.

Now--see, now,
we have this giant,

bloated Nielsen system in place,
and it just perpetuates itself.

Now but under my plan--
under my plan,

what we have is a mandatory
13 percent flat audience share,

so shows like Doctor Who
or Alien Nationcan stay on

and have a chance to develop,

and you won’t have
bankrupt programming, you know,

like Matlock
with Andy Griffith--

and I’m sorry,
but he hasn’t had a new idea

in 20 years, and I’ll say it
to Andy Griffith’s face.

I mean, he may be
an honorable man,

but what he’s doing
is just business as usual,

and I’d like
to see Matlockoff the air.

So we take that Matlockmoney,
right there,

and you bring in
your best people,

Isaac Asimov, your Carl Sagan,
some puppeteers,

and you put more fantasy scripts
in development,

because I think R&D
is very important part

of getting science fiction shows
on the air.

And if you agree with me,
call my 800 number

and it’s 1-800-NOT-FLAKY.

( laughter )

Later that day,

former Massachusetts
Sen. Paul Tsongas

addressed the same gathering.

Okay.

Okay, now, now, earlier--
Yeah.

Jerry Brown talked,
yeah, about Star Trek,okay?

You know, and he put himself
forward as, you know,

the Star Trekcandidate, okay? (
coughs )

( laughter )

Okay, but I was, you know,
the first candidate

to carry around
the Star Treklunchbox, okay?

Okay?

Now when Jerry Brown
talks about Star Trek,okay,

what he forgets is that
I wrote a book, okay?

A book. And it’s here.
It’s a book. It’s here.

It’s The Insider’s Guide
to Star Trek,

written by Paul Tsongas, okay,

with introduction
by DeForest Kelley, okay?

So you know,
read the book, okay,

and you decide, you know,
who is the candidate,

you know, who’s one of you?

I say--I say it’s me, okay?

( applause )

Now--

It’s me, okay? Okay.

Are there any, um,
any questions?

You, sir, you have a question?

Yeah, I just wanna say

that you’re the first candidate
I really feel I can trust, okay?

( laughter )

It seems
that all the other candidates

just wanna be Santa Claus.

I don’t--I don’t want
to be Santa Claus.

I know. I know. I know.

Bill Clinton wants to be
Santa Claus.

I don’t want to be Santa Claus.

Santa Claus was not a leader,
okay?

Captain Kirk was a leader.

I want to be Captain Kirk, okay?

( cheering and applause )

Later, Arkansas
Gov. Bill Clinton also spoke

to theStar Trek Convention.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

And I’m gonna be honest
with you...

( laughter )

I’m not gonna stand up here
and pretend that I know as much

about Star Trek
as Sen. Tsongas or Gov. Brown.

I’ve always enjoyed the show.

But I admit that I didn’t get
to see it

as much as I would have liked
when it was first on.

And I’ve been very candid
about that.

As I’ve explained,
Star Trekwas on

during a very difficult time
in my marriage.

But since then, Hillary and I
have worked things out

and we’ve managed to see most
of the episodes in syndication.

I’ve made no secret about that.
Yes, you have a question?

Yes, Governor,
what is your reaction

to the news that Leonard Nimoy
has endorsed Sen. Tsongas?

What?

( laughter )

Well, you know,
that the announcement

that Leonard Nimoy
is backing Sen. Tsongas.

( sighs )

Well, that is a new low
in backstabbing!

After all his talk
about integrity,

it’s just a cheap actor’s stunt,
and he’s no better than Shatner!

He’s no better than Shatner!

This concludes
C-SPAN’s coverage

ofRoad to the White House.

Next on C-SPAN,
live from New York,

it’sSaturday Night.

*

Announcer:
It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Al Franken...

Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and
theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Garth Brooks...

and starring John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Goodman.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, I wanna say
that it’s great

to be back hosting
blah-blah-blah!

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

You know,
this is my third time hosting,

and I’m very proud to say that
the first two times I hosted,

I was not plugging a movie,
thank you.

( cheering and applause )

Not that I haven’t done
my share of movies, uh,

perhaps you’ve heard of
some of my recent efforts,

for example, little thing
called Barton Fink.

( cheering and applause )
Thank you. Thank you.

Not to mention
a tidy little horror film

you might remember,
Arachnophobia.

( cheering and applause )

And of course, last year, a fat
little turd called King Ralph.

( cheering and applause )
Thank you so much.

Well, this year,
I am here to plug a movie,

and it’s one
I’m very proud of, The Babe.

It’s, uh--

It’s the life story
of Babe Ruth, but believe me,

it’s a far cry from those
old-fashioned baseball movies.

It’s an objective examination

of the Babe’s very celebrated
but very turbulent life,

and like I said,
I’m very proud.

And I’d like to show you
some clips.

*

* I’m Babe
I’m the babe *

* I’m the babe, babe, babe *

* The bambino, the babe *

* I’m the babe
The babe *

* Home run baseball
I’m Babe *

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, like I said, this is
a different view of the Babe,

works and all.

We looked into events
in Babe’s life

that historians
had never really examined.

*

( gunshots )

*

See what I mean? Oh!

And don’t think we don’t have
a few surprises for you.

*

( indistinct shouting )

( gunshots )

And...

( cheering and applause )
Thank you.

That’s just a little taste.

Okay. We got a heck of a show
tonight too.

Garth Brooks is here!

So stick around
’cause blah-blah-blah!

( cheering and applause )

*

*

* Raising 75 kids isn’t easy *

* Takes a lot of patience
And a lot of love *

* All the sperm in the world
Couldn’t tear us apart *

* It takes more than sperm
It takes heart *

* When you’re a sperm doctor
A sperm doctor *

* A doctor of sperm *

( laughter, applause )

( knocks on door )
Kids, I’m home!

Kids: Hi, Dad!

( whimpering )
Hi, Dad.

Whoa, settle down.
( kids sobbing )

What’s wrong with you, kids?

Oh, Jeremy, Todd, Alice,
Brian, Margaret and Steven

had fights in school,
with Jeff Mackenzie,

Butch Pearson, Cheryl Hopp,
and Tommy Russell,

Cohen Sisters,
and Henry Kahn.

Oh, boy, between Jeremy,
Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret

and Steven having fights,
and Harold, Chris, Quon Le

and Mitch
not making the football team,

I’ve got a full night’s work.
( laughs )

Well, that’s fatherhood.

Now what was your fight about,
Margaret?

Wendy Cohen came up to me
and said that you’re weird,

and that you should be taken out
and shot.

Yeah. And then they called you
the Sperminator.

( laughs )

Well, I’ll tell you something
about Wendy Cohen,

she’s my daughter, too.

( laughs )

- Okay,
who has a birthday today?
- Me!

- Me!
- Me!

Well, come here, you guys!
( chuckles )

Gosh, you’re all growing up.
Oh, look at you, David.

Why, I remember the day
you were conceived.

I was in my office,

the Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue

had just come out,

Elle MacPherson
was on the cover.

But I was in more
of a Paulina mood that day.

What about me, Dad?

Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.

How about us?

Well, that’s an interesting
story, uh...

you were a Sear’s catalogue.

I had misplaced
my Swimsuit Issue.

- How about me, Dad?
- Well, you’re a Sear’s, also.

In fact, you two
were out of the same vial.

What about me?

Well, you were an accident,
I was reading Newsweek.

( laughter )

I’m still not sure
what happened.

That’s okay.
We love you, Dad!

Oh, why you’re the best kids
any fertility doctor

could ever trick his patients
into having.

Holy geez!
What’s going on in here?

Well, what’s wrong,
Uncle Charlie?

Well, look at this carpet.
I just vacuumed it!

Geez, you 75 kids,
with your 150 shoes on.

Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson!

Why couldn’t you keep your hands
out of your pants?

Now come on, Charlie.
It’s perfectly natural.

Don’t you "natural," me!

I like to spank it
as much as the next guy,

but I don’t go aiming
into a test tube!

( kids laughing )

*

* When you’re a sperm doctor *

* A doctor of sperm *

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

( wind gusting )

*

* He used to be a caveman *

* But now he’s a lawyer *

* Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer *

Announcer: Brought to you
by Dog Assassin.

When you can’t bear
to put him to sleep,

maybe it’s time to call
Dog Assassin.

And by Big Fat Bean.

Why eat hundreds
of little beans

when you can eat one big one?

And by Clyde Baxter.

please vote not guilty?

Clyde would appreciate it.

And now, tonight’s episode
ofUnfrozen Cave Man Lawyer...

Mr. Cirroc, are you ready
to give your presentation?

It’s just Cirroc, Madam Mayor,
and yes, I’m ready.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the city council,

I’m just a caveman.

I fell in some ice and later got
thawed out by your scientists.

Your world frightens
and confuses me.

When I see your tall buildings
and flashing neon signs,

sometimes I just wanna get away
as fast as I can

to my place
in Martha’s Vineyard.

I’m more at home
hunting the wholly mammoth

than I am hunting
a good interior decorator.

And when I see a solar eclipse,

like the one I went to last year
in Hawaii,

I think, "Oh, no,
is the moon eating the sun?"

I don’t know
because I’m a caveman.

That’s the way I think.

But there is one thing
I do know...

the new resort
housing development

proposed by my partners
and myself

will not only provide
much-needed property taxes

but it will also include more
than adequate greenbelts here,

here and here for recreations

and aesthetic enhancements.

Thank you.

But Mr. Cirroc, won’t this
new subdivision of yours

destroy the environmentally
sensitive wetland area

and all the wildlife
that live there?

( laughs )

Madam Mayor, in my time,

we couldn’t afford to worry
about a few ducks!

Maybe we were just caveman,

but with us,
people came first.

( applause )

This has been
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.

Join us next week
for another episode.

Here’s a scene.

Stewardess,
could you give me another drink?

I’m sorry, sir,

but the chief steward says
you’ve already had enough.

But she don’t understand,
I need this drink!

I’m a caveman

and I’m frightened
by your strange flying machine.

So get me another douche
and water, pronto, okay?

I’m sorry, sir.

Listen, I’ll sue you
and your whole crappy airline!

Next time,
onUnfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.

*

Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon
and I have a computer virus.

( laughter )

Well, a new poll shows that
if the presidential election

were held tomorrow,
people would be really confused

because it’s generally held
in November.

( laughter )

Bob Kerrey and Tom Harkin

dropped out of the democratic
presidential race last week.

The move is expected to make
it much easier for voters

to choose between the remaining
three candidates.

Since now,
there’s a one-for-one matchup

with paper, rock and scissors.

( laughter )

Well, besides taking the South
last Super Tuesday,

Gov. Bill Clinton also showed
surprising strength in Hawaii.

A poll there said
that 35 percent voted for him

because of his health plan,

13 percent
because of his tax policy,

and 50 percent voted for him

because they thought he played
Danno on Hawaii Five-O.

( laughter )

Responding to criticism
by former Pres. Richard Nixon

that he has not done enough
to help democratic reforms

in the former Soviet Union,
Pres. Bush said today

that he will consider
giving Boris Yeltsin access

to a checking account

at the U.S. House
of Representatives bank.

And the defense
rested this case this week

in the trial of Manuel Noriega
without calling Noriega

to the witness stand.

The move came
as a disappointment to the media

who now won’t get a chance

to use their special
Noriega blue dot.

Next Tuesday is, of course,
St. Patrick’s Day.

With a comment is Weekend Update
reporter Chris Farley. Chris?

( cheering and applause )

Well, thank you, Kevin.
Top of the morning.

- Top of the morning to you too.
- ( chuckles )

Well, it’s that time
of year again

when Irish Americans
get-together with friends

and loved ones
to celebrate our heritage

whether it’d be marching
in a parade

or having a few cordials
at the house.

It’s probably gonna mean
waking up in a wet bed.

( laughs )

Jack Foley, how are you?

Good to see you.

However,
in New York City this year,

there’s a festivity.

It’s has a bit
of a black cloud around it.

Talking of course
about the homosexual community

wanting to march in the parade.

Mike Hennessy, good to see you.

Stop by later.

Now why in the hell
do this people

have to float their sexuality
like a baton major?

I don’t know what that means,
but I do know this.

Monsignor, nice to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

I don’t care if you do it
hanging from a chandelier,

I don’t wanna hear about it.

If I wanna see Tinkerbell
on Red Hook...

Pat, Pat Sheehan.

Pat, Andy is over there
with Hillis.

He stayed over there.

Now these people aren’t looking
for a pot of gold

at the end of rainbow.

They are looking for love
in all the wrong places.

Jimmy McAndrews,
thanks for coming.

- Good to see you.
- Hey, Chris,
let me just ask you.

Isn’t March 17th an opportunity
for all to be Irish?

I mean, these Irish Americans
have every right

to celebrate their heritage

by marching in the parade
as you do, don’t they?

Excuse me, Kevin.

Pat McCafferty, now how the hell
did you get in here?

( laughs )
Yeah, you do that.

I’m sorry.

I was just saying, aren’t these
people as Irish as you or I?

Well, maybe you’re right, Kevin.

I’ll have to think--think
about this some more. I’m sorry.

I’m very sorry and I hope
I haven’t offended anyone.

I think we know
who were talking about.

( laughter )

Danny Healey,
save me a seat over there.

Chris Farley,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Chris.
( cheering and applause )

Now that the Winter Olympics
are over.

The United States
had an opportunity to show Japan

and the world
that we are still number one,

and nowhere
was this better illustrated

than when Japan’s Midori Ito
had to settle for the silver

behind America’s
Kristi Yamaguchi.

( laughter )

( applause )

Well,
it was finally learned today

how a North Korean cargo ship

suspected of carrying
scud missiles slipped unnoticed

past the 22 ship U.S. Task Force
this week.

Spokesman for the Pentagon
says the North Koreans

timed their move at the exact
moment the U.S. ships received

the new Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue.

( laughter )

And the Michael Angelo virus
came and went last Saturday

doing much less damage and fear
except for the Vatican

where computer suddenly
went berserk

and painted the ceiling.

( laughter )

Computer owners
should still beware,

our studies have shown that
dreaded Michael Angelo virus

can be contracted
from dirty laptops.

( laughter )

Here’s an update
on that North Korean cargo ship

which just slipped
by the U.S. Navy.

Officials have learned
that the Korean ship

was hiding horizontally
at B5, B6 and B7.

( cheering and applause )

You know, it’s interesting.

The literary world
was abuzz recently

with the discovery
of 15 early magazine articles

written by Ernest Hemmingway.

Some of Hemmingway’s
earlier manuscripts

were also found
with their original titles.

A first draft
of a Farewell to Arms

was called Ernest Goes to Spain.

( laughter )

And now that the Mardi Gras
is over,

the next big celebration

for American partygoers
is spring break.

Here to talk about his recent
trip to Daytona Beach

is our party correspondent,
the Cajun Man.

Cajun Man?
( cheering and applause )

Kevin.

( chuckles )

What’s that smell
in your breath, Cajun Man?

- Onion.
- Oh.

All right, Cajun Man,
I understand that you go

to Daytona Beach just
about every year, don’t you?

Sure, I did.

It looks like you get
some color there, too, huh?

Suntan lotion.

All right, Cajun Man, you’re
down on Daytona Beach a lot.

How’s your body looking?

Deformation.

Now, how do you stay thin?

Metabolism.

Cajun Man?

Liposuction.

Okay. That’s what I thought.
All right.

Anyways, Cajun Man,
I heard you did a lot

of drinking down there
at Daytona.

Inebriation.

Well, what kind of beer
were you drinking?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

( laughter )

Now somebody told me
that you guzzle like 32 beers

in some beer-guzzling contest,
what happened after that?

Hallucination.

- What do you see?
- Satan.

Anybody with him?

Jim Morrison.

Whoa,
that would’ve freaked me out.

And how’d you handle that?

Defecation.

( laughter )

I could imagine.
I could imagine.

Now so you also judge a wet
T-shirt contest, is that right?

- How were the contestants?
- ( speaks French )

What may you decide
on the winner?

Melon.

( laughter )

Do you have any luck with her?

Rejection.

Oh, that’s too bad.

Lesbian.

Now Cajun Man, Cajun Man,
how did you know that?

Intuition.

Well, Cajun Man,
what’s the matter?

Depression.

Oh, don’t worry, Cajun Man.

There’s plenty
of other woman out there.

You’ll find someone.

- The Love Connection.
- Okay.

Well, thanks for coming,
Cajun Man.

You wanted to say hello
to somebody when you’re...

John Goodman.

Okay.
All right, I will.

Cajun Man, everybody.

Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon.

( applause )

The latest issue
of Peoplemagazine

has named Nick Nolte
the sexiest man alive.

Vladimir Lenin
and Ferdinand Marcos

tied for the title
of hottest looking dead guy.

( laughter )

And now let’s cut away
for a brief message.

Hello there.

We’re back.

Tammy Faye Bakker was divorced
from her husband Jim Bakker.

Bakker currently serving
an 18-year prison sentence

was said to be relieved
by the news

and is now eagerly awaiting
the arrival of Leona Helmsley.

( laughter )

James W. Wagner,
longtime director

of the National Spelling Bee
died last Sunday in Cincinnati.

The cause of death

was neurotranscolio
encephali-cheilitis.

The death certificate was signed
by a 9-year-old Chinese girl

who was the only one
who could spell it.

Survivors include a son
that lives in Alberkerky.

That’s Alberkerky.

Well, last week Ed McMahon
wed wife number three in Nevada.

Weekend Update was the only
news organization allowed

and we were able
to capture the ceremony on tape.

Let’s go to Las Vegas.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together

in the side of God
and in the face of the company

to join together this man
and this woman

in Holy Matrimony...

Yes!

which is an honorable estate
instituted by God...

You are correct, sir.

which holy estate
Christ adorned and beautified

with his presence,

and first miracle
that he wrought,

in Cana of Galilee...

( laughs )

and is honorable among all men
as commended of St. Paul.

Man of God, yes, sir.

And therefore, is not by any to
be entered into unadvisedly...

- No, sir.
- but reverently, discreetly,
advisedly, soberly...

Not for the faint of heart.

and in the fear of God.

The Mighty One, yes, sir!

Into this holy estate,

these two persons present
come now to be joined.

That is the straight
purple-colored one.

Ed, wilt thou have this woman
to be thy wedded wife?

Yes.

- Wilt thou love her...
- Yes!

comfort her...

Yes!

honor her...

Oh, yes.

in sickness and in health...

( laughs )

forsaking all others
as long as you both shall live?

You are correct, sir.

Pamela, wilt thou have this man
to be thy wedded husband?

Wilt thou love him,
comfort him, honor him

and keep him in sickness
and in health

as long as you both shall live?

I will.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You are a winner.

Hello!

( applause )

When asked later if
he was nervous at the ceremony,

Ed said, "Yes!"

Well, Warren Beatty
and Annette Bening

recently exchanged vows
at a small private ceremony.

The wedding interrupted
Warren’s bachelor party,

which had been going on
since August 1959.

( laughter )

A sex offender in Texas
has withdrawn his request

to be castrated instead
of being sent to prison.

Asked about his sudden change
of heart,

the man said he simply
misunderstood the Penal Code.

( laughter )

And in West Palm Beach
this week,

spring training began for LAPD.

Rodney King is expected
to throw out the first ball.

Company in California is working
on a new breast implant

filled with peanut oil.

The implants will be available
on both smooth and chunky style.

( laughter )

The product
will be called Implanters.

And the good news
is the implants

are considered harmless,
but the bad news is

they could stick
to the roof of your mouth.

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

*

Announcer: The British-American
Theater Alliance

presentsTheatre Stories,

with your host
Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Hello, and welcome
to Theatre Stories.

I’m your host
Kenneth Reese-Evans.

But today, I’d like to be known
as Cucumber Jones.

With me this evening
are American film star

and well-known child actor
Mickey Rooney.

I was the number one star
in the world.

Do you hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter )

Yeah. Yes.

And with us also,
actress, authoress

and legend, Katharine Hepburn.

Hello, Cucumber.

Yes, thank you.

And of course, my dear friend
and confidante,

my dresser for 25 years,
Quentin Smithers.

And your lifelong fan, sir.

You are so good.

Tell me, Quentin,
when was the first time

you saw me perform?

Oh, that would have to be
in the men’s room

at the King’s Cross
Railway Station, sir.

No, I meant professionally.

Oh. Well, professionally,
oh, yes, so sorry. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Volume, Quentin.
This is television.

Oh! Yes, sorry! Yes, sir!

- No, I meant lower volume.
- Oh, yes, of course, sir.

- Yes, very good.
- Thank you.

Well, tonight,
we’re going to show

some of our best
and worst experiences

on the legitimate stage.

Uh, now, Ms. Hepburn,

you were doing theater
exclusively in the late ’30s?

Yes, I was labeled
box office poison

and I was doing
Long Day’s Journey Into Night.

And I was on stage one night,

waiting for the maid
to make an entrance,

when who should come
through the doors

but Gumby and Pokey.

( laughter )

Well, they turned out to be
two of the most malleable actors

I have even worked with.

Well, incidentally
for your ratification,

I was never a box office poison.

I was the number one star
in the world.

You hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter, applause )

Thank you so
for sharing that with us,

you shivered
little American thespian.

All I know is we hold your butt
out of two World Wars.

Uh, yes, very clever.

Quentin, uh,
you, recall this,

I was appearing
in a production of Hello, Vicar

at the Haymarket.

Oh, and you were brilliant.

Thank you, doc.

And I was working
with Dame Judi Dench,

and her line was,

"Something wicked
this way comes."

But before she could say it,

she let out
the most resounding fart.

I remember that one, it smelled
of textiles, as I recall.

Yeah. Yes, good work.

Well,
I burst out laughing for--

- How long was I there?
- Two years.

Yes, quite right.

I called them my lost two years.

I didn’t have a lot of time
to laugh at MGM.

We were making a movie
every three weeks.

And I’ll tell you
one thing I learned,

it takes a Jewish guy
to make you laugh,

it takes an Irishman
to make you cry,

it takes a Chinaman
to do your laundry,

and it takes Eva Gardner
to put a smile on your face.

( laughter )

I had them all

because I was the number one
star in the world.

You hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter, applause )

Now, now, now,
I’ve got nothing,

but at least I like girls.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, you--
( laughter )

You Americans
are all so macho.

Well stroke, sir.

Thank you, doc.

You know, Cucumber,
the Irish are not funny people.

There is a tiny Irishman
on television

who leaps out
and carries on about heart,

moon, stars, clovers.

He is not funny at all.

He’s Irish.

He should be doing
Eugene O’Neill.

He needs to be told.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

You know,
I often say things twice,

only the second time
much slower.

I often say things twice, only
the second time much slower.

You remember when you were on
stage at the Royal Shakespeare

and you would shout
certain words for no reason?

Yes, I do, it was
somewhere in act three!

And it’s a habit
that stuck with me!

- Yes, sadly.
- Yes.

Judy Garland never owned a car.

The Captain & Tennille
have whole house in Utah.

I left a message
on their machine,

they never called me back.

I was the number one star
in the world.

You hear me? ( squeaks )

- Bang. The world.
- Yeah.

Yes, yes, bang. ( squeaks )

The world.
Yes, very clever.

Well, very good.

Yes, I’m reminded of the time
that I killed a man

and was sent to prison
for 10 years.

Yes, Her Majesty’s prison
at Wormwood Scrubs.

Yes, and while I was there,

I mounted an all-inmate
production of Seven Brothers

for yet another Seven Brothers.

But I’m afraid
that will have to wait

for another edition
of Theatre Stories.

Good evening.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

Well, I just wanna say
that missus and I

are mighty grateful
for all you folks done.

( knocks on door )

The young lady said
to go on in.

I hope I’m not intruding.

I got to go now, El Vivia.

Young country singer
who’s gonna be a big star

just stepped into my office.

Bless you.

Goodbye.

Hello and welcome!

Get it on in here
and get your boots up.

My daddy told me there’s
no music agent in Nashville

with a better name than you
and I just wanna say right off,

business is business, and unless
you really do like my music,

I don’t want you to take me on

’cause you and my daddy
are war buddies.

Well, I can look you
straight in the eye and smile

when I say,
"I love your demo tape."

Your songwriting
shows real promise

and your voice is fine,
mighty fine.

I am honored, sir.

Well, the honor, sir, is mine.

’Tisn’t either.

My songs are hardly fit
to polish your boots.

Don’t say it.

My boots aren’t fit
to walk on your songs.

Not that anybody
should walk on your songs.

The point is you’re good,
son.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, may I offer you
a little taste

in honor of this occasion?

But first, I must suggest
that if you want a long career

in this business, you should
begin by changing your name.

You think Bob Wilson
isn’t catchy enough?

Nope, doesn’t help you,

doesn’t help your audience,
doesn’t do anything.

Well, you’ve handled
some of the greatest names

in country western history.

Are you saying that you pick
the names for them?

Most of them just comes to me,
sort of.

Conway Twitty?

Greg Thompson.

- No.
- Yep.

Gallup in Minneapolis.

How about Billy Cash Credit?

John Clark.

- You don’t say?
- Yeah.

How about Dwight Yoakam?

Phil Roosevelt.

Well, paint me pink
and hang me from the chandelier.

- ( laughs )
- Eddie Rabbitt?

( tongue clicks )
Eli Rabbinowitz.

( laughter )

Garth Brooks?

Guillermo Echeverria.

( laughter )

Rosanne Cash?

Well, why,
her and Johnny Paycheck,

your brother and sister,

- Bob and Betty Gordiyenko.
- Wow!

- Charlie Pride?
- Abdul Muhammad.

Hank Williams Jr.?

He’s never been with me.

Oh, well, here’s to my new name.

Any ideas?

Well,
let’s experiment a little.

Um...let me see,

how about Bochum, Big Tree

or, uh, Ezekiel Sagewalker.

Yeah. Okay.
How about, uh, Clement, uh,

Clement Ramblehyde?

Not quite right,
but you got the idea.

Clint Boulderam?

Fastest Sport Myer and his
Butterworth mountain boys.

( laughs )

Well, you got the idea, son.

We don’t have to settle this
right now.

You go on home,
talk it up with the missus

and we’ll have lunch
on Friday.

- I’m honored.
- Honor is mine.

Well, thanks again, Mr. Fuchs.

I’m mighty grateful.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

*

Uh, yes, another
Saturday evening come and gone.

I would like
to thank Garth Brooks.

( cheering and applause )

And I wanna say thanks
to everybody else.

Well, thanks
for tonight coming.

Thank you for tuning in.
Thank you, Lorne Michaels.

Thank this great cast.

Good night, America.
I love you.

*