Original subtitles

*

Announcer: Now C-SPAN continues its coverage

of the 1992 presidential campaign

withRoad to the White House.

On Friday, former California Gov. Jerry Brown

spoke to the 17th Annual Star Trek Convention

at the O’Hare Marriott Hotel.

Our C-SPAN camera, the only camera we have,

was there, as was our microphone.

Thank you. Thank you, Trekkers.

Thank you very much.

Now I wanna say that 23 years ago this fall,

Star Trekwas canceled.

And I think it’s a shame and a travesty

that we don’t have a single prime-time science fiction show

on our network schedule today.

And in the ’60s,

if you look at what we did out there in California,

we had Outer Limits, we had Twilight Zone,

Star Trek, as well as Lost in Space,

and now all we’ve got

is Star Trek: The Next Generation,

and that’s in syndication.

Now some people say there’s not enough audience

for science fiction on television,

but if you go back and look at--

and look at when Star Trek was canceled,

it had a 21 percent share of the audience.

Now today, that’s a hit.

That’s a Knots Landing or a Tequila and Bonetti.

Now--see, now, we have this giant,

bloated Nielsen system in place, and it just perpetuates itself.

Now but under my plan-- under my plan,

what we have is a mandatory 13 percent flat audience share,

so shows like Doctor Who or Alien Nationcan stay on

and have a chance to develop,

and you won’t have bankrupt programming, you know,

like Matlock with Andy Griffith--

and I’m sorry, but he hasn’t had a new idea

in 20 years, and I’ll say it to Andy Griffith’s face.

I mean, he may be an honorable man,

but what he’s doing is just business as usual,

and I’d like to see Matlockoff the air.

So we take that Matlockmoney, right there,

and you bring in your best people,

Isaac Asimov, your Carl Sagan, some puppeteers,

and you put more fantasy scripts in development,

because I think R&D is very important part

of getting science fiction shows on the air.

And if you agree with me, call my 800 number

and it’s 1-800-NOT-FLAKY.

( laughter )

Later that day,

former Massachusetts Sen. Paul Tsongas

addressed the same gathering.

Okay.

Okay, now, now, earlier-- Yeah.

Jerry Brown talked, yeah, about Star Trek,okay?

You know, and he put himself forward as, you know,

the Star Trekcandidate, okay? ( coughs )

( laughter )

Okay, but I was, you know, the first candidate

to carry around the Star Treklunchbox, okay?

Okay?

Now when Jerry Brown talks about Star Trek,okay,

what he forgets is that I wrote a book, okay?

A book. And it’s here. It’s a book. It’s here.

It’s The Insider’s Guide to Star Trek,

written by Paul Tsongas, okay,

with introduction by DeForest Kelley, okay?

So you know, read the book, okay,

and you decide, you know, who is the candidate,

you know, who’s one of you?

I say--I say it’s me, okay?

( applause )

Now--

It’s me, okay? Okay.

Are there any, um, any questions?

You, sir, you have a question?

Yeah, I just wanna say

that you’re the first candidate I really feel I can trust, okay?

( laughter )

It seems that all the other candidates

just wanna be Santa Claus.

I don’t--I don’t want to be Santa Claus.

I know. I know. I know.

Bill Clinton wants to be Santa Claus.

I don’t want to be Santa Claus.

Santa Claus was not a leader, okay?

Captain Kirk was a leader.

I want to be Captain Kirk, okay?

( cheering and applause )

Later, Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton also spoke

to theStar Trek Convention.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

And I’m gonna be honest with you...

( laughter )

I’m not gonna stand up here and pretend that I know as much

about Star Trek as Sen. Tsongas or Gov. Brown.

I’ve always enjoyed the show.

But I admit that I didn’t get to see it

as much as I would have liked when it was first on.

And I’ve been very candid about that.

As I’ve explained, Star Trekwas on

during a very difficult time in my marriage.

But since then, Hillary and I have worked things out

and we’ve managed to see most of the episodes in syndication.

I’ve made no secret about that. Yes, you have a question?

Yes, Governor, what is your reaction

to the news that Leonard Nimoy has endorsed Sen. Tsongas?

What?

( laughter )

Well, you know, that the announcement

that Leonard Nimoy is backing Sen. Tsongas.

( sighs )

Well, that is a new low in backstabbing!

After all his talk about integrity,

it’s just a cheap actor’s stunt, and he’s no better than Shatner!

He’s no better than Shatner!

This concludes C-SPAN’s coverage

ofRoad to the White House.

Next on C-SPAN, live from New York,

it’sSaturday Night.

*

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey...

Chris Farley...

Phil Hartman...

Victoria Jackson...

Mike Myers...

Kevin Nealon...

Chris Rock...

Julia Sweeney...

with Ellen Cleghorne...

Siobhan Fallon...

Tim Meadows...

Adam Sandler...

Rob Schneider...

David Spade...

and featuring Beth Cahill...

Al Franken...

Melanie Hutsell...

G.E. Smith and theSaturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Garth Brooks...

and starring John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Goodman.

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hey, I wanna say that it’s great

to be back hosting blah-blah-blah!

( cheering and applause )

Thank you.

You know, this is my third time hosting,

and I’m very proud to say that the first two times I hosted,

I was not plugging a movie, thank you.

( cheering and applause )

Not that I haven’t done my share of movies, uh,

perhaps you’ve heard of some of my recent efforts,

for example, little thing called Barton Fink.

( cheering and applause ) Thank you. Thank you.

Not to mention a tidy little horror film

you might remember, Arachnophobia.

( cheering and applause )

And of course, last year, a fat little turd called King Ralph.

( cheering and applause ) Thank you so much.

Well, this year, I am here to plug a movie,

and it’s one I’m very proud of, The Babe.

It’s, uh--

It’s the life story of Babe Ruth, but believe me,

it’s a far cry from those old-fashioned baseball movies.

It’s an objective examination

of the Babe’s very celebrated but very turbulent life,

and like I said, I’m very proud.

And I’d like to show you some clips.

*

* I’m Babe I’m the babe *

* I’m the babe, babe, babe *

* The bambino, the babe *

* I’m the babe The babe *

* Home run baseball I’m Babe *

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, like I said, this is a different view of the Babe,

works and all.

We looked into events in Babe’s life

that historians had never really examined.

*

( gunshots )

*

See what I mean? Oh!

And don’t think we don’t have a few surprises for you.

*

( indistinct shouting )

( gunshots )

And...

( cheering and applause ) Thank you.

That’s just a little taste.

Okay. We got a heck of a show tonight too.

Garth Brooks is here!

So stick around ’cause blah-blah-blah!

( cheering and applause )

*

*

* Raising 75 kids isn’t easy *

* Takes a lot of patience And a lot of love *

* All the sperm in the world Couldn’t tear us apart *

* It takes more than sperm It takes heart *

* When you’re a sperm doctor A sperm doctor *

* A doctor of sperm *

( laughter, applause )

( knocks on door ) Kids, I’m home!

Kids: Hi, Dad!

( whimpering ) Hi, Dad.

Whoa, settle down. ( kids sobbing )

What’s wrong with you, kids?

Oh, Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret and Steven

had fights in school, with Jeff Mackenzie,

Butch Pearson, Cheryl Hopp, and Tommy Russell,

Cohen Sisters, and Henry Kahn.

Oh, boy, between Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret

and Steven having fights, and Harold, Chris, Quon Le

and Mitch not making the football team,

I’ve got a full night’s work. ( laughs )

Well, that’s fatherhood.

Now what was your fight about, Margaret?

Wendy Cohen came up to me and said that you’re weird,

and that you should be taken out and shot.

Yeah. And then they called you the Sperminator.

( laughs )

Well, I’ll tell you something about Wendy Cohen,

she’s my daughter, too.

( laughs )

- Okay, who has a birthday today? - Me!

- Me! - Me!

Well, come here, you guys! ( chuckles )

Gosh, you’re all growing up. Oh, look at you, David.

Why, I remember the day you were conceived.

I was in my office,

the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

had just come out,

Elle MacPherson was on the cover.

But I was in more of a Paulina mood that day.

What about me, Dad?

Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.

How about us?

Well, that’s an interesting story, uh...

you were a Sear’s catalogue.

I had misplaced my Swimsuit Issue.

- How about me, Dad? - Well, you’re a Sear’s, also.

In fact, you two were out of the same vial.

What about me?

Well, you were an accident, I was reading Newsweek.

( laughter )

I’m still not sure what happened.

That’s okay. We love you, Dad!

Oh, why you’re the best kids any fertility doctor

could ever trick his patients into having.

Holy geez! What’s going on in here?

Well, what’s wrong, Uncle Charlie?

Well, look at this carpet. I just vacuumed it!

Geez, you 75 kids, with your 150 shoes on.

Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson!

Why couldn’t you keep your hands out of your pants?

Now come on, Charlie. It’s perfectly natural.

Don’t you "natural," me!

I like to spank it as much as the next guy,

but I don’t go aiming into a test tube!

( kids laughing )

*

* When you’re a sperm doctor *

* A doctor of sperm *

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

( wind gusting )

*

* He used to be a caveman *

* But now he’s a lawyer *

* Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer *

Announcer: Brought to you by Dog Assassin.

When you can’t bear to put him to sleep,

maybe it’s time to call Dog Assassin.

And by Big Fat Bean.

Why eat hundreds of little beans

when you can eat one big one?

And by Clyde Baxter.

please vote not guilty?

Clyde would appreciate it.

And now, tonight’s episode ofUnfrozen Cave Man Lawyer...

Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your presentation?

It’s just Cirroc, Madam Mayor, and yes, I’m ready.

Ladies and gentlemen of the city council,

I’m just a caveman.

I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists.

Your world frightens and confuses me.

When I see your tall buildings and flashing neon signs,

sometimes I just wanna get away as fast as I can

to my place in Martha’s Vineyard.

I’m more at home hunting the wholly mammoth

than I am hunting a good interior decorator.

And when I see a solar eclipse,

like the one I went to last year in Hawaii,

I think, "Oh, no, is the moon eating the sun?"

I don’t know because I’m a caveman.

That’s the way I think.

But there is one thing I do know...

the new resort housing development

proposed by my partners and myself

will not only provide much-needed property taxes

but it will also include more than adequate greenbelts here,

here and here for recreations

and aesthetic enhancements.

Thank you.

But Mr. Cirroc, won’t this new subdivision of yours

destroy the environmentally sensitive wetland area

and all the wildlife that live there?

( laughs )

Madam Mayor, in my time,

we couldn’t afford to worry about a few ducks!

Maybe we were just caveman,

but with us, people came first.

( applause )

This has been Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.

Join us next week for another episode.

Here’s a scene.

Stewardess, could you give me another drink?

I’m sorry, sir,

but the chief steward says you’ve already had enough.

But she don’t understand, I need this drink!

I’m a caveman

and I’m frightened by your strange flying machine.

So get me another douche and water, pronto, okay?

I’m sorry, sir.

Listen, I’ll sue you and your whole crappy airline!

Next time, onUnfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.

*

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

( cheering and applause )

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I have a computer virus.

( laughter )

Well, a new poll shows that if the presidential election

were held tomorrow, people would be really confused

because it’s generally held in November.

( laughter )

Bob Kerrey and Tom Harkin

dropped out of the democratic presidential race last week.

The move is expected to make it much easier for voters

to choose between the remaining three candidates.

Since now, there’s a one-for-one matchup

with paper, rock and scissors.

( laughter )

Well, besides taking the South last Super Tuesday,

Gov. Bill Clinton also showed surprising strength in Hawaii.

A poll there said that 35 percent voted for him

because of his health plan,

13 percent because of his tax policy,

and 50 percent voted for him

because they thought he played Danno on Hawaii Five-O.

( laughter )

Responding to criticism by former Pres. Richard Nixon

that he has not done enough to help democratic reforms

in the former Soviet Union, Pres. Bush said today

that he will consider giving Boris Yeltsin access

to a checking account

at the U.S. House of Representatives bank.

And the defense rested this case this week

in the trial of Manuel Noriega without calling Noriega

to the witness stand.

The move came as a disappointment to the media

who now won’t get a chance

to use their special Noriega blue dot.

Next Tuesday is, of course, St. Patrick’s Day.

With a comment is Weekend Update reporter Chris Farley. Chris?

( cheering and applause )

Well, thank you, Kevin. Top of the morning.

- Top of the morning to you too. - ( chuckles )

Well, it’s that time of year again

when Irish Americans get-together with friends

and loved ones to celebrate our heritage

whether it’d be marching in a parade

or having a few cordials at the house.

It’s probably gonna mean waking up in a wet bed.

( laughs )

Jack Foley, how are you?

Good to see you.

However, in New York City this year,

there’s a festivity.

It’s has a bit of a black cloud around it.

Talking of course about the homosexual community

wanting to march in the parade.

Mike Hennessy, good to see you.

Stop by later.

Now why in the hell do this people

have to float their sexuality like a baton major?

I don’t know what that means, but I do know this.

Monsignor, nice to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

I don’t care if you do it hanging from a chandelier,

I don’t wanna hear about it.

If I wanna see Tinkerbell on Red Hook...

Pat, Pat Sheehan.

Pat, Andy is over there with Hillis.

He stayed over there.

Now these people aren’t looking for a pot of gold

at the end of rainbow.

They are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Jimmy McAndrews, thanks for coming.

- Good to see you. - Hey, Chris, let me just ask you.

Isn’t March 17th an opportunity for all to be Irish?

I mean, these Irish Americans have every right

to celebrate their heritage

by marching in the parade as you do, don’t they?

Excuse me, Kevin.

Pat McCafferty, now how the hell did you get in here?

( laughs ) Yeah, you do that.

I’m sorry.

I was just saying, aren’t these people as Irish as you or I?

Well, maybe you’re right, Kevin.

I’ll have to think--think about this some more. I’m sorry.

I’m very sorry and I hope I haven’t offended anyone.

I think we know who were talking about.

( laughter )

Danny Healey, save me a seat over there.

Chris Farley, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Chris. ( cheering and applause )

Now that the Winter Olympics are over.

The United States had an opportunity to show Japan

and the world that we are still number one,

and nowhere was this better illustrated

than when Japan’s Midori Ito had to settle for the silver

behind America’s Kristi Yamaguchi.

( laughter )

( applause )

Well, it was finally learned today

how a North Korean cargo ship

suspected of carrying scud missiles slipped unnoticed

past the 22 ship U.S. Task Force this week.

Spokesman for the Pentagon says the North Koreans

timed their move at the exact moment the U.S. ships received

the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

( laughter )

And the Michael Angelo virus came and went last Saturday

doing much less damage and fear except for the Vatican

where computer suddenly went berserk

and painted the ceiling.

( laughter )

Computer owners should still beware,

our studies have shown that dreaded Michael Angelo virus

can be contracted from dirty laptops.

( laughter )

Here’s an update on that North Korean cargo ship

which just slipped by the U.S. Navy.

Officials have learned that the Korean ship

was hiding horizontally at B5, B6 and B7.

( cheering and applause )

You know, it’s interesting.

The literary world was abuzz recently

with the discovery of 15 early magazine articles

written by Ernest Hemmingway.

Some of Hemmingway’s earlier manuscripts

were also found with their original titles.

A first draft of a Farewell to Arms

was called Ernest Goes to Spain.

( laughter )

And now that the Mardi Gras is over,

the next big celebration

for American partygoers is spring break.

Here to talk about his recent trip to Daytona Beach

is our party correspondent, the Cajun Man.

Cajun Man? ( cheering and applause )

Kevin.

( chuckles )

What’s that smell in your breath, Cajun Man?

- Onion. - Oh.

All right, Cajun Man, I understand that you go

to Daytona Beach just about every year, don’t you?

Sure, I did.

It looks like you get some color there, too, huh?

Suntan lotion.

All right, Cajun Man, you’re down on Daytona Beach a lot.

How’s your body looking?

Deformation.

Now, how do you stay thin?

Metabolism.

Cajun Man?

Liposuction.

Okay. That’s what I thought. All right.

Anyways, Cajun Man, I heard you did a lot

of drinking down there at Daytona.

Inebriation.

Well, what kind of beer were you drinking?

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

( laughter )

Now somebody told me that you guzzle like 32 beers

in some beer-guzzling contest, what happened after that?

Hallucination.

- What do you see? - Satan.

Anybody with him?

Jim Morrison.

Whoa, that would’ve freaked me out.

And how’d you handle that?

Defecation.

( laughter )

I could imagine. I could imagine.

Now so you also judge a wet T-shirt contest, is that right?

- How were the contestants? - ( speaks French )

What may you decide on the winner?

Melon.

( laughter )

Do you have any luck with her?

Rejection.

Oh, that’s too bad.

Lesbian.

Now Cajun Man, Cajun Man, how did you know that?

Intuition.

Well, Cajun Man, what’s the matter?

Depression.

Oh, don’t worry, Cajun Man.

There’s plenty of other woman out there.

You’ll find someone.

- The Love Connection. - Okay.

Well, thanks for coming, Cajun Man.

You wanted to say hello to somebody when you’re...

John Goodman.

Okay. All right, I will.

Cajun Man, everybody.

Kevin Nealon!

Kevin Nealon.

( applause )

The latest issue of Peoplemagazine

has named Nick Nolte the sexiest man alive.

Vladimir Lenin and Ferdinand Marcos

tied for the title of hottest looking dead guy.

( laughter )

And now let’s cut away for a brief message.

Hello there.

We’re back.

Tammy Faye Bakker was divorced from her husband Jim Bakker.

Bakker currently serving an 18-year prison sentence

was said to be relieved by the news

and is now eagerly awaiting the arrival of Leona Helmsley.

( laughter )

James W. Wagner, longtime director

of the National Spelling Bee died last Sunday in Cincinnati.

The cause of death

was neurotranscolio encephali-cheilitis.

The death certificate was signed by a 9-year-old Chinese girl

who was the only one who could spell it.

Survivors include a son that lives in Alberkerky.

That’s Alberkerky.

Well, last week Ed McMahon wed wife number three in Nevada.

Weekend Update was the only news organization allowed

and we were able to capture the ceremony on tape.

Let’s go to Las Vegas.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together

in the side of God and in the face of the company

to join together this man and this woman

in Holy Matrimony...

Yes!

which is an honorable estate instituted by God...

You are correct, sir.

which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified

with his presence,

and first miracle that he wrought,

in Cana of Galilee...

( laughs )

and is honorable among all men as commended of St. Paul.

Man of God, yes, sir.

And therefore, is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly...

- No, sir. - but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly...

Not for the faint of heart.

and in the fear of God.

The Mighty One, yes, sir!

Into this holy estate,

these two persons present come now to be joined.

That is the straight purple-colored one.

Ed, wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife?

Yes.

- Wilt thou love her... - Yes!

comfort her...

Yes!

honor her...

Oh, yes.

in sickness and in health...

( laughs )

forsaking all others as long as you both shall live?

You are correct, sir.

Pamela, wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded husband?

Wilt thou love him, comfort him, honor him

and keep him in sickness and in health

as long as you both shall live?

I will.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You are a winner.

Hello!

( applause )

When asked later if he was nervous at the ceremony,

Ed said, "Yes!"

Well, Warren Beatty and Annette Bening

recently exchanged vows at a small private ceremony.

The wedding interrupted Warren’s bachelor party,

which had been going on since August 1959.

( laughter )

A sex offender in Texas has withdrawn his request

to be castrated instead of being sent to prison.

Asked about his sudden change of heart,

the man said he simply misunderstood the Penal Code.

( laughter )

And in West Palm Beach this week,

spring training began for LAPD.

Rodney King is expected to throw out the first ball.

Company in California is working on a new breast implant

filled with peanut oil.

The implants will be available on both smooth and chunky style.

( laughter )

The product will be called Implanters.

And the good news is the implants

are considered harmless, but the bad news is

they could stick to the roof of your mouth.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

( cheering and applause )

*

*

Announcer: The British-American Theater Alliance

presentsTheatre Stories,

with your host Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Hello, and welcome to Theatre Stories.

I’m your host Kenneth Reese-Evans.

But today, I’d like to be known as Cucumber Jones.

With me this evening are American film star

and well-known child actor Mickey Rooney.

I was the number one star in the world.

Do you hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter )

Yeah. Yes.

And with us also, actress, authoress

and legend, Katharine Hepburn.

Hello, Cucumber.

Yes, thank you.

And of course, my dear friend and confidante,

my dresser for 25 years, Quentin Smithers.

And your lifelong fan, sir.

You are so good.

Tell me, Quentin, when was the first time

you saw me perform?

Oh, that would have to be in the men’s room

at the King’s Cross Railway Station, sir.

No, I meant professionally.

Oh. Well, professionally, oh, yes, so sorry. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Volume, Quentin. This is television.

Oh! Yes, sorry! Yes, sir!

- No, I meant lower volume. - Oh, yes, of course, sir.

- Yes, very good. - Thank you.

Well, tonight, we’re going to show

some of our best and worst experiences

on the legitimate stage.

Uh, now, Ms. Hepburn,

you were doing theater exclusively in the late ’30s?

Yes, I was labeled box office poison

and I was doing Long Day’s Journey Into Night.

And I was on stage one night,

waiting for the maid to make an entrance,

when who should come through the doors

but Gumby and Pokey.

( laughter )

Well, they turned out to be two of the most malleable actors

I have even worked with.

Well, incidentally for your ratification,

I was never a box office poison.

I was the number one star in the world.

You hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter, applause )

Thank you so for sharing that with us,

you shivered little American thespian.

All I know is we hold your butt out of two World Wars.

Uh, yes, very clever.

Quentin, uh, you, recall this,

I was appearing in a production of Hello, Vicar

at the Haymarket.

Oh, and you were brilliant.

Thank you, doc.

And I was working with Dame Judi Dench,

and her line was,

"Something wicked this way comes."

But before she could say it,

she let out the most resounding fart.

I remember that one, it smelled of textiles, as I recall.

Yeah. Yes, good work.

Well, I burst out laughing for--

- How long was I there? - Two years.

Yes, quite right.

I called them my lost two years.

I didn’t have a lot of time to laugh at MGM.

We were making a movie every three weeks.

And I’ll tell you one thing I learned,

it takes a Jewish guy to make you laugh,

it takes an Irishman to make you cry,

it takes a Chinaman to do your laundry,

and it takes Eva Gardner to put a smile on your face.

( laughter )

I had them all

because I was the number one star in the world.

You hear me? Bang!

( squeaks ) The world.

( laughter, applause )

Now, now, now, I’ve got nothing,

but at least I like girls.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, you-- ( laughter )

You Americans are all so macho.

Well stroke, sir.

Thank you, doc.

You know, Cucumber, the Irish are not funny people.

There is a tiny Irishman on television

who leaps out and carries on about heart,

moon, stars, clovers.

He is not funny at all.

He’s Irish.

He should be doing Eugene O’Neill.

He needs to be told.

- Yes. - Yeah.

You know, I often say things twice,

only the second time much slower.

I often say things twice, only the second time much slower.

You remember when you were on stage at the Royal Shakespeare

and you would shout certain words for no reason?

Yes, I do, it was somewhere in act three!

And it’s a habit that stuck with me!

- Yes, sadly. - Yes.

Judy Garland never owned a car.

The Captain & Tennille have whole house in Utah.

I left a message on their machine,

they never called me back.

I was the number one star in the world.

You hear me? ( squeaks )

- Bang. The world. - Yeah.

Yes, yes, bang. ( squeaks )

The world. Yes, very clever.

Well, very good.

Yes, I’m reminded of the time that I killed a man

and was sent to prison for 10 years.

Yes, Her Majesty’s prison at Wormwood Scrubs.

Yes, and while I was there,

I mounted an all-inmate production of Seven Brothers

for yet another Seven Brothers.

But I’m afraid that will have to wait

for another edition of Theatre Stories.

Good evening.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

( cheering and applause )

Well, I just wanna say that missus and I

are mighty grateful for all you folks done.

( knocks on door )

The young lady said to go on in.

I hope I’m not intruding.

I got to go now, El Vivia.

Young country singer who’s gonna be a big star

just stepped into my office.

Bless you.

Goodbye.

Hello and welcome!

Get it on in here and get your boots up.

My daddy told me there’s no music agent in Nashville

with a better name than you and I just wanna say right off,

business is business, and unless you really do like my music,

I don’t want you to take me on

’cause you and my daddy are war buddies.

Well, I can look you straight in the eye and smile

when I say, "I love your demo tape."

Your songwriting shows real promise

and your voice is fine, mighty fine.

I am honored, sir.

Well, the honor, sir, is mine.

’Tisn’t either.

My songs are hardly fit to polish your boots.

Don’t say it.

My boots aren’t fit to walk on your songs.

Not that anybody should walk on your songs.

The point is you’re good, son.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, may I offer you a little taste

in honor of this occasion?

But first, I must suggest that if you want a long career

in this business, you should begin by changing your name.

You think Bob Wilson isn’t catchy enough?

Nope, doesn’t help you,

doesn’t help your audience, doesn’t do anything.

Well, you’ve handled some of the greatest names

in country western history.

Are you saying that you pick the names for them?

Most of them just comes to me, sort of.

Conway Twitty?

Greg Thompson.

- No. - Yep.

Gallup in Minneapolis.

How about Billy Cash Credit?

John Clark.

- You don’t say? - Yeah.

How about Dwight Yoakam?

Phil Roosevelt.

Well, paint me pink and hang me from the chandelier.

- ( laughs ) - Eddie Rabbitt?

( tongue clicks ) Eli Rabbinowitz.

( laughter )

Garth Brooks?

Guillermo Echeverria.

( laughter )

Rosanne Cash?

Well, why, her and Johnny Paycheck,

your brother and sister,

- Bob and Betty Gordiyenko. - Wow!

- Charlie Pride? - Abdul Muhammad.

Hank Williams Jr.?

He’s never been with me.

Oh, well, here’s to my new name.

Any ideas?

Well, let’s experiment a little.

Um...let me see,

how about Bochum, Big Tree

or, uh, Ezekiel Sagewalker.

Yeah. Okay. How about, uh, Clement, uh,

Clement Ramblehyde?

Not quite right, but you got the idea.

Clint Boulderam?

Fastest Sport Myer and his Butterworth mountain boys.

( laughs )

Well, you got the idea, son.

We don’t have to settle this right now.

You go on home, talk it up with the missus

and we’ll have lunch on Friday.

- I’m honored. - Honor is mine.

Well, thanks again, Mr. Fuchs.

I’m mighty grateful.

( cheering and applause )

*

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

*

Uh, yes, another Saturday evening come and gone.

I would like to thank Garth Brooks.

( cheering and applause )

And I wanna say thanks to everybody else.

Well, thanks for tonight coming.

Thank you for tuning in. Thank you, Lorne Michaels.

Thank this great cast.

Good night, America. I love you.

*