Original subtitles

The following is a message from the President

of the United States.

Well, Good evening!

You know, this is the first time I’ve talked to you,

the American people, since Tuesday,

the day the people of New Hampshire

delivered their message.

And yes! I got it!

Now, message received loud and clear.

Thank you, people of New Hampshire.

God bless you!

You did your job, sent me the message,

the message I got.

Roger, Wilco!

Message received! You know, came in this ear,

bounced around this cranial area here,

going round and round and round,

didn’t come out this ear, stopped!

Got it!

Now don’t worry you super Tuesday people,

New Hampshire, you did your work,

they sent their message,

dad a dad at dat dad a dad at dat... received!

Got it! Didn’t want to get it,

but got it, got it good!

And just to show you I got the message,

and I got it, gonna write it down,

message right here,

message being written right now

I’m moving the implement that will form the letters

that will spell said message,

the message that I got.

And here is that message:

Hi, George!

Well! Dan! My little Vice-President!

Well, come on up here, Skipper!

Look at you, growing like a weed, there!

Sprouting up. Looks like somebody needs a trim!

We did good in New Hampshire, didn’t we, George?

We wacked 53 percent! We won!

Well, Dan, that’s nice of you to say.

But, let me tell you, for a sitting President,

53 percent is not good. It’s bad! It’s bad!

But you’ll beat Buchanan, won’t you! He’sugly!

Oh, now, now, now. He’s very emotional.

Now, Dan, take her easy.

He’s not as cute as you are, little Skipper,

never will be, but we don’t want to go negative.

You see, the people were sending us a message.

They don’t think we care about them.

But we do! We do care!

Well, now, good. Dan, that’s good!

Smart boy, talented, always learning, always growing.

Give me a smile, give me a smile.

Love those pearly whites!

Well, now, run along now, someone’s bedtime,

there you go!

-We’re gonna win! -Alright! Good!

Atta boy, Bush,

Bush/Buchanan, nah...

To sum up: message received,

Roger, Wilco! Got the message.

No more message needed, got it.

Dan Quayle, still gaining acceptance,

"Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!"

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey, Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson, Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon, Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade and featuring Beth Cayhall,

Al Franken, Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, The Red Hot Chili Peppers

and starring Rose Ann and Tom Arnold.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Rose Ann and Tom Arnold!

Thank you, Thank you! Alright!

Thank you very much.

We’re killing, honey, we’re killing!

It’s great to be back hosting "Saturday Night Live",

but this time it’s better,

because my husband Tom’s co-hosting!

Thank you, folks, thank you, honey!

You know, there are probably a lot of people thinking,

"Oh, great! Rosie dragged her husband Tom

on yet another show." But that’s not true!

I forced her to bring me on another show! Alright!

But you got to one thing, folks,

I’m a lot cooler than her ex-husband!

-I mean, that guy was a jerk. -Yeah!

Okay, he’s suing me for custody of the kids, you know?

So now, I have to go to court and fight him and everything.

’Coz my lawyer says it would look real bad if I don’t.

So, what are we gonna talk about on this show?

Well, honey, I think we should probably reveal

something about ourselves that people do not know.

Well, well, we can’t talk about all the diets we went on.

-Yeah! Because we did that on "Oprah". -Yeah!

-And, besides, we’re already gaining all that weight back. -Yeah!

So did Oprah, though!

Ah! you know, we could talk about the big house

we’re building in Iowa, with the olympic-sized pool

-and the bowling alley... -No!

’Coz we already talked about that on "Larry King Live".

No, I thought that was "Arsenio" we talked about that...

No, on "Arsenio", we talked about our kids

being in a mental hospital.

No, no...that was on "Sonya Live".

No, "Sonya Live" was when you said

how you threw my ex-husband over the hood of his car.

Oh, yeah. That was funny.

-He’s suing us now, right? -Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, let’s talk about me selling stories to the Enquirer

for drug money.

No, we already talked about that

-on Good Morning, America. -Yeah.

I got one.

How’s about that time we hired them hoodlums

to beat up them photographers.

No, no. We went over that on the Paul Rodriguez Show.

We went on the Paul Rodriguez Show?

Yeah, you remember that night, we had nothing to do,

and we were, like, driving around,

and we saw a light on at this little tiny TV studio?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, maybe our therapist is right.

She said we don’t need to expose anything about ourselves

and people will still like us.

No, we’d better-- we’d better make something up.

I’m gay.

No, you’re not.

Yeah, you remember on Geraldo?

-I talked about it. -Oh, yeah.

Oh, I’m gay, too.

Well, we’ve got a really great show.

Yes, a great show! We’ve--

We’ve got the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And we’ll be right back.

Yes, we will. Yes.

Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

-Okay, and you are-- -Michael Tassoni.

Right, right. And this is regarding?

Well, Mr. Clark is buying a few custom-made suits

from our company,

and he told me to stop by today

and take some measurements.

Okay, and you have an appointment or--

Oh, no, not really. I-I just--

Okay, great. If you could just have a seat.

-Yeah, but he-- -Thanks.

Uh-uh-uh-- Hi there. Hi, hello.

Hi there.

Hi, um, I’m here to see Dick.

Right, and you are?

Are you kidding?

No, ma’am.

Ah, Roseanne? Arnold? Ring a bell?

And he would know you from--

Ah, maybe from what, uh...

happens to be my own show,

which is, like, number one in the Nielsen’s.

Okay.

And that is some sort of contest or something?

I don’t--

Are you seriously this stupid?

I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.

Right, and he is--

(sighs) A TV star, like me!

TV? Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, you know, TV,

where an electron gun sends electron particles

out of a cathode-ray tube,

and they travel over the airwaves

to a satellite, then back down to earth

in a rectangular box that unscrambles them

so people can just sit there and stare at them?

I’m no stranger to sarcasm.

Listen, peewee.

40 million people see me every Tuesday night.

I only watch PBS. You’ll have to forgive me.

I’m sure you’re very talented.

Now, if you can just have a seat--

Don’t you talk down to me, you little tick,

or I’ll throw you back

on the mangy dog’s ass you jumped off of!

Well, (chuckles)

using that tone won’t get you in any faster.

If I were you, I’d just sit and wait your turn.

Now, do you need a parking validation, or--

No!

Would you be a lamb and not smoke?

Thanks.

This guy gets under your skin like a chigger.

I heard that.

Good!

Excuse me, this is very hard for me.

I’m Dick Clark’s biological mother.

I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old,

and not a day goes by

when it doesn’t tear me apart inside,

not knowing if I made the right decision.

I know he’s spent years looking for me,

and I’m finally ready to see him.

(moans)

I have an aching void inside of me,

and seeing his face is the only thing that could--

I’m sorry, hi, I was on the phone.

Did you have a question?

Oh, I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.

Oh, no, no, no. You can stay, you can stay.

But would you do me a favor?

Would you be a dove and wait over there?

We like to keep this area clear.

Thanks.

By the way...

I just made your whole year’s salary

while I was sitting over there.

I thought you’d like to know.

-Hello, my son. -Hi there.

And you are--

I am the Lord.

I have come to get on the airwaves

that Richard Clark controls.

So that I may tell the world

that I have come back, as I promised.

Okay, now, did you have an appointment, or--

But, my son,

don’t you know me from the Bible?

I am not much of a reader.

Um, I’d tell you, if you could just have a seat,

it would be just a minute. Thanks.

Listen, friend--

I know. If you could have a seat.

Thanks.

Isn’t he the worst?

Yes, he is.

Can’t you do anything?

I’ll give him one more minute.

You know, threatening me with eternal damnation

won’t get you in any faster.

(phone rings)

Dick Clark Productions. Okay, and you are--

Welcome toCoffee Talk with your host, Linda Richman.

Welcome to Coffee Talk. I’m your host, Linda Richman.

First of all, I want to say happy birthday

to my daughter, Robin.

Happy Birthday, Bubala.

Okay, now this show used to be hosted by my friend,

Paul Baldwin,

but he developed shpilkes in his geneckte gezeugte.

So now he’s in Boca Raton, Florida, recovering nicely.

Thank you very much.

This is my best friend, Liz Rosenberg.

Linda, don’t talk to me. I’m having a bad hair day.

By the way, this is my mother, she’s visiting from Scottsdale.

I live in Scottsdale for my health.

I-I have trouble with my, uh, woman’s problem

and-and I’m gassy.

But-But don’t worry,

I promise I won’t say anything.

I’ll just sit here in the dark like a dog.

Momala, no one wants to hear how gassy you are.

You don’t know that severs I’ve had with this woman.

Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect a call from me anytime.

Okay, now this show is dedicated, as ever,

to Barbra Joan Streisand.

-Yes. -We love her.

We love her.

And of course, the big news, Prince of Tides.

Seven Oscar nominations total, including Best Picture.

Seven.

But Barbra did not get a nomination

for Best Director.

Long story short, I love Prince of Tides.

It was to die for.

And to think a poor, little mescite from Brooklyn

made this masterpiece,

and she’s not getting any recognition for it.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry, but I get a little choked up.

Please, do not get me started.

It’s so unfair!

Now I’m getting emotional. I’m a little verklempt.

You’re verklempt.

You’re verklempt. I’m verklempt.

I’m-I’m-I’m sorry.

Talk amongst yourselves.

There, it passed.

You know, I know a guy who had a gall bladder thing.

He passed out and it exploded.

It happens, you know?

Momala, shh.

Sit still.

Fine, I’ll sit over in the corner

and eat wet cigarette butts.

Momala, please stop complaining.

Do you believe this woman?

I know she’s my mother, I shouldn’t say this,

but I’m going to her condo now

and it’s starting to smell from old lady.

-Neve. -Neve.

Okay, let’s take a call.

The number is 555-4444.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

Call. We’ll talk, no big whoop.

woman: Hello, Linda?

I was wondering, did you see Barbra

onLarry King Live?

Yes, I did.

A full hour of Barbra, it was like heroin.

-Heroin? -Not that I know what it’s like, it’s what I understand.

-It’s like on 20/20. -Yes.

Barbra looked so beautiful in the movie.

Did you see her nails?

They’re like butter.

Butter, like butter.

And those legs in those sparkling stockings,

again, butter.

Butter.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, the number is 555-4444.

man: Hello, Linda?

I just wanted to say I love your show.

Thank you very much. You’re a beautiful person.

Don’t go changing just to please me.

I’ll tumble for you.

Go on.

-So funny, you are. -I can’t help it.

All right, did you see Barbra on60 Minutes?

Yes, I did.

Ugh.

That Mike Wallace was not very nice to her.

What he did to her I wouldn’t wish

on my worse enemy’s dog, poop, poop.

What about what you do to me,

telling me to shut up all the time?

You’re just like your father,

telling me to shut up all the time,

and then he runs away with some young magician’s assistant.

He ran away because you wouldn’t stop talking already.

PS, that’s what Hitler said to me and our people

during the two wars.

PS, Momala, you lived in Miami during the two wars.

You’re driving everyone crazy.

You drove your husband crazy and now you’re driving me crazy.

(sobs)

You’re right. It was all me.

Oh, I forgive you, Momala.

I love you, Momala.

I love you, Tuttala.

This is so Prince of Tides.

The scene where Nick Nolte reconciles with Kate Nelligan.

Now I’m getting verklempt.

-We’re all verklempt. -Verklempt.

I’m sorry.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I’ll give you a topic.

The Romanesque church design was based on a Roman basilica.

Discuss.

Okay. There, I feel better.

Me, too.

Thanks God for waterproof Lancome.

Hey. I want to take a call.

Welcome to Coffee Talk, who’s this?

Hello? Hello, talk.

-Hello, Linda? -Hello.

I think Barbra should do a duet with Madonna.

Ech, I don’t like that Madonna, she’s a kulver.

She’s a tramp.

Every week with a different boyfriend.

And this week, in the paper with no clothes on.

Ech, who needs her?

Still, that’s some body she has.

You should have that body.

Did you see her legs? They’re like butter.

Like two sticks of butter lashed together in a roughhewn manner.

Kulver.

(squeals)

So now I hear Madonna’s a Mexican,

but she doesn’t want anybody to know.

I read it in the Star.

Please, don’t listen to my mother.

I love her,

but she’s a little ibaboodle in the capi.

Relax. Relax, darling. We’re all mishputka.

All right, well, that’s all the time we have this week.

My name is Linda Richman.

And my name is Liz, of course, this is my mother.

Barbra, we love you.

Hello, gorgeous.

The movie was like butter.

-Like butter. -(audience laughs)

-Like a big stick of butter. -(audience laughs)

Mamala! Oy!

All this talk about food, I’m getting hungry, girls.

-(audience applauding) -Oh, my God!

It’s Barbra!

It’s Barbra!

I love this woman! It’s Barbra!

Oh, my God. It’s Barbra.

-It’s Barbra. -She is like butter.

-Like butter. -Oh, I can die now.

I can die-- Barbra, you’re beautiful.

I’m verklempt.

That’s all the time we have, I have to go and die now.

-Barbra. I love you. -(mouthing) Barbra, I love you.

Announcer:Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

(audience applauding)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon,

I am presently recovering from an attempted triple lutz.

(audience laughs)

Our top story, Pat Buchanan has predicted

that President Bush will now deploy

all the king’s horses and all the king’s men

to defeat him in the upcoming primaries.

Bush seized upon the analogy and angrily retorted,

"Hey, diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle".

(audience laughs)

And now our lead story.

In the New Hampshire primary,

Paul Tsongas beat the other democrats on Tuesday night

with 34% of the vote.

Although that was an important victory,

Tsongas is already being compared to Michael Dukakis

and will have to campaign vigorously to prove

-that he’s not another geek, uh, Greek from Massachusetts. -(audience applause)

And now our top leading story.

Democratic hopeful Tom Harkin

ended up in the New Hampshire Primary with 10% of the vote.

Harkin said that if he had just gotten 80% of the vote,

it would have been a totally different primary.

-(audience laughs) -(clears throat)

Meanwhile, an exit poll indicates that 94% of all exits

are used by people leaving buildings.

(audience laughs)

The other 6% were used by confused people

-looking for the entrance. -(audience laughs)

Until Wednesday, President Bush had refused

to say Pat Buchanan’s name in public,

referring to his challenger as the other guy.

Bush changed his practice after voters came under the impression

that he was running against Gene Siskel.

(audience applauding)

And at a campaign rally this week,

President Bush responded to a question about Pat Buchanan

by saying simply,

"Buchanan, hey, I got your Buchanan right here!"

(audience applauding)

Well, the senate passed a new energy bill this week

intended to find alternative fuel sources

that could possibly bring out

some sort of charisma in Paul Tsongas.

-(audience laughs) -Uh, we’ll see how that goes.

And CIA director Robert Gates announced today

that he plans to make public secret files

on the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

Weekend Updatehas already obtained one of the files.

(audience applauding)

-This... -(audience applauding)

This document seems to confirm the warrant commissions findings

-that Oswald did act alone. -(audience laughs)

And this week’s Time Magazinereveals

that former President Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II

formed a secret alliance in 1982

to help save Poland’s outlawed solidarity movement.

The Pope and Reagan were often referred to by insiders

-as forgive and forget. -(audience laughs)

Oh, Salman Rushdie, still in hiding

since in his Islamic death sentence,

has announced he’ll marry for the third time.

Must be tough being married to him.

I’ll say, "We never go out. We never go out.

You don’t take me anywhere."

(audience applauding)

Sex advisors Masters and Johnson are getting divorced

after 21 years of marriage.

But the couple say the split is merely based on differences

in the goals each has for the balance of their lives.

It’s a condition more commonly known

as the he still wants to, she doesn’t syndrome.

(audience laughs)

And in a related story, Johnson and Johnson,

the famous shampoo couple are calling it quits.

The messy fight expected for custody of the baby shampoo.

(audience laughs)

A US nuclear submarine

collided with a Russian nuclear sub last week

near the Arctic Circle.

Paramount studios already plans to turn the accident

into a feature film called Das Booboo.

(audience laughs)

The damage was minor

compared to a very messy collision several years ago

between a US sub and an Italian sub

with everything on it. (clears throat)

(audience laughs)

Well, environmentalists report that the slime and sludge

currently polluting the waters of New York harbor

are actually due to the leaking implants

installed in the Statue of Liberty

-during a recent renovation. -(audience applauding)

You know, I had a laugh this morning.

A wallet that...

a wallet that belonged to George Washington stolen last month

from a New Jersey museum was returned to police this week.

The wallet contained only a small portrait

of the late president and worth about a dollar.

(audience laughs)

Well, Austria won the gold medal

in the Olympic four men Bobsleigh races

held today in Albertville, France.

Let’s take a look at that exciting winning run right now.

-(audience laughs) -(laughs)

There they go, that was a $45 ticket by the way,

-very exciting. -(audience applauds)

The US Team disappointed with the results yesterday,

traded Hershel Walker to the unified team

for a case of vodka and a Serb to be named later.

(audience applauding)

Here with more on the subject is our Grumpy Old Man, Grumpy.

(audience applauding)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I’m a grumpy old man

and I don’t like things now

compared to the way they used to be.

Nowadays they got a thing called the Winter Olympics

with all their modern and safe equipment.

Who needs it?

Progress? Fliboody, flaboody, floobody, flabofish.

(audience laughs)

In my day, we didn’t have these fancy new skis.

In my day we’d find an avalanche, pull out the corpses,

strap them to our feet and go flying down the mountain,

yelling, "Look at me, I’m riding dead people!".

Whoopee! It was a thing of beauty I tell you.

Nowadays, if you win an event,

they give you a gold medal.

Phooey!

In my day, if you won,

they gave you a rotten piece of stinking wood.

And if you got the bronze,

they’d slam steel spikes through your feet.

And you’d scream, "But I won’t lose again."

Of course you won’t. You won’t walk again.

(chuckles)

Oh! It was beautiful.

You know, in my day, we compete.

One event was press your lips

through the freezing metal pole.

Whoever fried his mouth off the pole first won.

And the winner would look like a bleeding lipless idiot,

holding a stinking piece of wood with spikes through his feet,

saying, "Look at me, I’m a freak and I love it.

Oh, it was glorious. Where did it all go wrong?

Why, God, why?

Why God, all mighty Jehovah? Answer me.

Why? Why? Why?"

(grunting)

-That’s right. -Right, what a grump.

The hat worn by Oswald killer Jack Ruby

has sold at auction for $12,000.

While the price was respectable,

the Ruby hat didn’t bring as much

as the legendary Ruby slippers,

which went for nearly $100,000.

Michael Jackson returned from Africa this week

after getting in trouble for touching his nose.

Local residents thought Jackson was saying, "They smelled bad".

Michael apologized

and said he’ll try and break the nose habit,

and go back to more familiar territory.

You know, there’s a big, big world out there

filled with millions of people.

And at any given moment, you just might be one of them.

This week,

Geraldo Rivera had fat cells from his behind

implanted in his head to remove wrinkles.

That-That would make him a butthead, wouldn’t it?

Well, in turn, he also had the fat cells removed from his brain

to get the wrinkles out of his ass.

And in tragic news today,

Elroy Jetson of the famed Jetson family was arrested

for armed robbery.

Elroy and an unidentified masked accomplice

walked into a bank and said, "Rand rover rour roney."

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

Stuart: I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

Announcer:Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer,

a member of several 12-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m gonna do a great show today.

And I’m gonna help people

because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,

and, doggonit, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First of all,

I-I have to admit

that I did get some negative reactions

to my latest show entitled,

"Whining is Anger Coming Through a Very Small Opening."

And it was not my best show,

but that’s okay.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

And today, I think, we have a great show

because I have too very special guest,

my sister, Jodie S.

I’ll protect her anonymity.

And Jodie, like me,

is a gratefully recovering overeater,

who six months ago got out of rehab for her eating disorder.

And what was that?

-Eating constantly. -Uh-huh.

And Jodie is now in OA.

And you have lost how much weight?

200 pounds.

-Give or take 50. -Uh-huh.

Well, you look terrific, sis.

Look at you, all in one chair.

Also-also with us is one of Jodie’s former husbands,

Bobby Hansel,

who abandoned my sister, and her boy four years ago.

Now, Bobby, you just got out of rehab, for what?

I’m a cross-addicted chemical dependence, Stuart.

Alcohol, cocaine, speed, horse tranquilizer,

Uh-huh.

And now you went to rehab to avoid prison,

didn’t you?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Now when you got out of rehab,

the first person you called was Jodie?

Well, it was a beautiful phone call.

He said he wanted to make amends, you know,

for all the stuff he did.

Like hitting you?

Well, yeah.

Selling drugs out of your garage?

That, too.

Flicking lit matches at you while you’re asleep?

Yeah.

Throwing a space heater in the tub while you’re taking a bath,

trying to electrocute you.

-Yeah, all that stuff. Uh-huh.

It was a real romantic phone call, honey.

Hmm, I bet.

Now you have been out of rehab

for about a week now, Bobby,

and I understand you two are talking about getting remarried,

which is a little premature

but it’s your life and living let live.

You know, it’s just amazing

how without the chemicals medicating me,

I realized that Jodie is exactly what I need.

You know, he’s working really hard on staying sober,

and you know, well, let’s face it, damn it,

you know, we’re-we’re in love.

It’s that simple.

Is it? Is it Jodie?

I mean, maybe it’s not love, maybe it’s codependency.

I mean, it-it runs in the family,

we’re all codependent, except, of course,

for dad whose a big drunk like Bobby, here.

Hey, can it? you little fruit.

But why don’t you just snort some cocaine?

Please. Please, you guys, don’t fight.

Oh, anything for peace, huh, Jodie?

That is so codependent.

Well, look, I’ll-I’ll be nice to Bobby

if you--if you go through a little exercise for me.

What is it?

Okay, well, this is called a Bataka bat

and we use it to get out our anger.

Oh, I’m not angry.

Jodie, it’s easier to put on slippers

than to carpet the world.

-Go ahead, honey. -There you go.

Now I want you to hit this pillow.

Now this pillow represents Bobby’s disease,

not Bobby, whom we love, but Bobby’s disease

which you may be a little angry at, okay?

Now remember about five years ago

when Bobby’s disease tried to run you down in his car.

Oh, well, he’s was, you know, just chasing me.

Uh-huh.

And remember when Bobby’s disease

hit a parking meter and Bobby’s disease

jumped out of the car and took a shot at you.

Well, he was a green beret steward.

I mean, if he really want to hit me,

-I’m sure he could have. -Mm-hmm.

And--and how did you deal with that, Jodie?

I went in the house and I ate a big bag of Oreos.

And?

And meatloaf.

(audience laughing)

And?

And a tube of cookie dough.

Hit the pillow, Jodie.

-Shut up, Stewart. -Hit the pillow, Jodie.

-Well, I had it coming. -Hit the pillow.

I said, zip it, man!

Well, my eating was really getting on his nerves,

driving him crazy.

-Hit the pillow. -I don’t want to.

-Hit it. -I don’t want to.

Hit it.

-Hit it. -(grunting)

I’m--I’m sorry, that was all my fault.

No.

No, it’s--it’s my fault.

I’m--I’m not a licensed therapist.

No.

No, no, it’s--it’s my fault.

I should have made Bobby come on.

No, it’s--it’s my fault. I don’t know what I’m doing.

-No, no, it’s my fault. -No, no, it’s my fault.

Shut up!

Okay, uh, this was not my best show

(audience laughing)

But that’s okay.

Because this is Stuart Smalley saying,

"I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,

and, doggone it, people like me."

Announcer: This has been today’s

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

(audience applauding)

Oh, my God.

I’m so mad at Jamie

for making such a fool out of me in Chemistry today.

Could your hair be more red?

It is like my mom’s and she could not look more like Bozo.

Could it be colder in here?

No, I can’t wait for Spring Break.

My elbows are so dry. Where’s Pam?

She went to pick up Mrs. Munson.

You know, I think it is so great

that we are the first sorority

to accept a student from that school.

I am so proud of us.

(audience laughs)

-Could we be prouder? -No way.

-No way. -There is way.

-Guys! -There is now way.

May I present, Mrs. Munson.

Welcome to Delta Delta Delta.

Oh, my God. Just call me Christy, please.

Listen, no pressure,

but I just want you to know that even though you are--

because you are older, not much related student,

you have to keep up academically.

Your eyes are so almond-shaped.

(audience laughing)

Um, Christy, this house was built in 1849.

Did you know that Benetton is opening up down the street?

(audience laughing)

Oh, my God!

But that is sending me to the poor house

with all these MasterCard bills from Benetton.

You know, and we’re so into recession.

Everybody says so.

It was all the talk at the New Hampshire Primary.

Pat Buchanan is so cute.

Could my hairbrush have more hair in it?

Gross!

Christy, you--you are so mature during rush week.

I can’t even tell you. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Could it be any whiter?

I’m so excited for the mixer on Saturday,

what time does it start?

8:00 sharp, don’t be late.

Oh, depression!

My mother-in-law is having a cheap dinner party that night.

-That is so sad. -No way!

-I am so sorry. -Hugs!

I can’t wait.

Excuse me,

I’m sorry to interrupt to whatever, sisters,

but I have the worst gas right now.

I’ve got to go use the can right now.

Oh, man! Oh, my God! I got to let one rip.

(audience laughing)

Oh, my God!

Excuse me, but to let one rip?

And could her pores be bigger?

Like, I don’t know about you guys,

but I think that BM’s are really personal.

(audience laughing)

Not--

I mean, not only that, okay, but her hair is so dyed.

Could I say one more insult?

Is it so obvious that she has to had her hair colors done?

-I mean-- -I am so scared.

She is in there right now dropping stick bombs.

(audience laughing)

We are not gonna be able to go in there for another week

and two of my best sweaters are in there drying right now

and they are gonna smell so bad!

Plus I have to take a shower there for 20 minutes because--

(babbling)

(audience laughing)

Hi, Christy!

-Christy. -Christy, that’s so soon?

Okay, girls, it was a false alarm

and I heard every word you just said.

Christy, oh--

You know, I put my husband through college

by moonlighting at 7-11, you know?

And so now I thought it was my turn to better myself

and thank you so much for destroying my dream!

Christy, can I say one thing?

We did not say a thing, I swear.

And I come from a really religious background.

Meg, you are blankly lying.

Besides, Christy, we talk back behind everybody’s back.

The truth is we’re really honored to have you with us.

Oh, my God!

I have eye gouge in the corner of my eye.

I can’t get it out.

(audience laughing)

Well, look, okay. It’s okay.

I--I really do have large pores

and okay, I did have gas.

(telephone ringing)

-Oh, my God. -Oh, food!

-Get it! -I got it!

Well, hurry.

Delta Delta Delta,

can I help you, help you, help you?

(audience laughing)

Oh, hi, Mr. Munson. It’s your husband.

Yes, she’s here right now.

Well, you’re right next door? Well, then come over!

Oh, I can’t believe my husband’s gonna come over here!

-Right, right, right! -(doorbell dings)

And here he is.

-Hi. -Hi, Mr. Munson. Come on in.

-How are you? Hi, Christy. -Dad.

You know, Peter’s got a piano recital tonight.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. I completely forgot.

Are you okay?

Oh, I’m so embarrassed, are you all right?

Are you going to be okay?

Listen, sweetheart,

when you’re playing at your recital tonight,

if you make any mistakes,

you just--you just know that that is okay

because people makes mistakes

and that’s how you learn in life, okay?

You are so cute.

You girls are majorly my very best friends,

but bye now.

-Bye-bye! -Bye!

* We love you, Christy Yes, we do *

* We love you, Christy It’s true *

My God! Now I so want to have a baby.

Could her life make our live look more empty.

And could her husband be cuter?

You know, I think he was loving you.

-As well as loving you. -No, he was loving you.

Oh, my God, he hit on me.

I can’t believe it so completely.

(audience applauding)

Announcer: And now, Deep Thoughts by Jeff Handey.

Contrary to what most people say,

The most dangerous animal in the world,

is not the lion or the tiger,

or even the elephant.

It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back

just trampling and eating everything they see.

(audience applauding)

-Hey, we had a great time. -We had a great time!

Thanks to Red Hot Chili Peppers!

(audience cheering)

Everybody, the cast, thank you very much.