All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E14.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

The following is a message
from the President

of the United States.

Well, Good evening!

You know, this is the first time
I’ve talked to you,

the American people,
since Tuesday,

the day the people
of New Hampshire

delivered their message.

And yes! I got it!

Now, message received
loud and clear.

Thank you,
people of New Hampshire.

God bless you!

You did your job,
sent me the message,

the message I got.

Roger, Wilco!

Message received!
You know, came in this ear,

bounced around this
cranial area here,

going round and round and round,

didn’t come out this ear,
stopped!

Got it!

Now don’t worry
you super Tuesday people,

New Hampshire,
you did your work,

they sent their message,

dad a dad at dat dad a
dad at dat... received!

Got it!
Didn’t want to get it,

but got it,
got it good!

And just to show you
I got the message,

and I got it,
gonna write it down,

message right here,

message being written right now

I’m moving the implement
that will form the letters

that will spell said message,

the message that I got.

And here is that message:

Hi, George!

Well! Dan!
My little Vice-President!

Well, come on up here,
Skipper!

Look at you,
growing like a weed, there!

Sprouting up. Looks like
somebody needs a trim!

We did good in New Hampshire,
didn’t we, George?

We wacked 53 percent!
We won!

Well, Dan, that’s nice of you
to say.

But, let me tell you,
for a sitting President,

53 percent is not good.
It’s bad! It’s bad!

But you’ll beat Buchanan,
won’t you! He’sugly!

Oh, now, now, now.
He’s very emotional.

Now, Dan, take her easy.

He’s not as cute as you are,
little Skipper,

never will be, but
we don’t want to go negative.

You see, the people were
sending us a message.

They don’t think
we care about them.

But we do!
We do care!

Well, now, good.
Dan, that’s good!

Smart boy, talented,
always learning, always growing.

Give me a smile,
give me a smile.

Love those pearly whites!

Well, now, run along now,
someone’s bedtime,

there you go!

-We’re gonna win!
-Alright! Good!

Atta boy, Bush,

Bush/Buchanan, nah...

To sum up:
message received,

Roger, Wilco!
Got the message.

No more message needed,
got it.

Dan Quayle,
still gaining acceptance,

"Live, from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!"

It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey,
Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,
Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,
Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade
and featuring Beth Cayhall,

Al Franken,
Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
The Red Hot Chili Peppers

and starring
Rose Ann and Tom Arnold.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Rose Ann and Tom Arnold!

Thank you, Thank you!
Alright!

Thank you very much.

We’re killing, honey,
we’re killing!

It’s great to be back
hosting "Saturday Night Live",

but this time it’s better,

because my husband Tom’s
co-hosting!

Thank you, folks,
thank you, honey!

You know, there are probably
a lot of people thinking,

"Oh, great!
Rosie dragged her husband Tom

on yet another show."
But that’s not true!

I forced her to bring me
on another show! Alright!

But you got to one thing,
folks,

I’m a lot cooler
than her ex-husband!

-I mean, that guy was a jerk.
-Yeah!

Okay, he’s suing me for
custody of the kids, you know?

So now, I have to go to court
and fight him and everything.

’Coz my lawyer says it would
look real bad if I don’t.

So, what are we gonna
talk about on this show?

Well, honey, I think
we should probably reveal

something about ourselves
that people do not know.

Well, well, we can’t talk
about all the diets we went on.

-Yeah! Because we did that
on "Oprah".
-Yeah!

-And, besides, we’re already
gaining all that weight back.
-Yeah!

So did Oprah, though!

Ah! you know, we could talk
about the big house

we’re building in Iowa,
with the olympic-sized pool

-and the bowling alley...
-No!

’Coz we already talked about
that on "Larry King Live".

No, I thought that was "Arsenio"
we talked about that...

No, on "Arsenio",
we talked about our kids

being in a mental hospital.

No, no...that was
on "Sonya Live".

No, "Sonya Live"
was when you said

how you threw my ex-husband
over the hood of his car.

Oh, yeah.
That was funny.

-He’s suing us now, right?
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, let’s talk about me
selling stories to the Enquirer

for drug money.

No, we already
talked about that

-on Good Morning, America.
-Yeah.

I got one.

How’s about that time
we hired them hoodlums

to beat up
them photographers.

No, no. We went over that
on the Paul Rodriguez Show.

We went
on the Paul Rodriguez Show?

Yeah, you remember that night,
we had nothing to do,

and we were,
like, driving around,

and we saw a light on
at this little tiny TV studio?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know,
maybe our therapist is right.

She said we don’t need to expose
anything about ourselves

and people
will still like us.

No, we’d better--
we’d better make something up.

I’m gay.

No, you’re not.

Yeah, you remember
on Geraldo?

-I talked about it.
-Oh, yeah.

Oh, I’m gay, too.

Well, we’ve got
a really great show.

Yes, a great show!
We’ve--

We’ve got
the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And we’ll be right back.

Yes, we will.
Yes.

Hi, I’m here
to see Mr. Clark.

-Okay, and you are--
-Michael Tassoni.

Right, right.
And this is regarding?

Well, Mr. Clark is buying
a few custom-made suits

from our company,

and he told me
to stop by today

and take some measurements.

Okay, and you have
an appointment or--

Oh, no, not really.
I-I just--

Okay, great.
If you could just have a seat.

-Yeah, but he--
-Thanks.

Uh-uh-uh-- Hi there.
Hi, hello.

Hi there.

Hi, um,
I’m here to see Dick.

Right,
and you are?

Are you kidding?

No, ma’am.

Ah, Roseanne? Arnold?
Ring a bell?

And he would know you from--

Ah, maybe from what,
uh...

happens to be my own show,

which is, like, number one
in the Nielsen’s.

Okay.

And that is some sort
of contest or something?

I don’t--

Are you seriously
this stupid?

I have my own TV show, you know,
like Bill Cosby.

Right,
and he is--

(sighs)
A TV star, like me!

TV? Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, you know,
TV,

where an electron gun
sends electron particles

out of a cathode-ray tube,

and they travel
over the airwaves

to a satellite,
then back down to earth

in a rectangular box
that unscrambles them

so people can just sit there
and stare at them?

I’m no stranger
to sarcasm.

Listen, peewee.

40 million people see me
every Tuesday night.

I only watch PBS.
You’ll have to forgive me.

I’m sure
you’re very talented.

Now, if you can just
have a seat--

Don’t you talk down to me,
you little tick,

or I’ll throw you back

on the mangy dog’s ass
you jumped off of!

Well,
(chuckles)

using that tone
won’t get you in any faster.

If I were you, I’d just sit
and wait your turn.

Now, do you need
a parking validation, or--

No!

Would you be a lamb
and not smoke?

Thanks.

This guy gets under your skin
like a chigger.

I heard that.

Good!

Excuse me,
this is very hard for me.

I’m Dick Clark’s
biological mother.

I gave Richard up for adoption
when he was three weeks old,

and not a day goes by

when it doesn’t
tear me apart inside,

not knowing if I made
the right decision.

I know he’s spent years
looking for me,

and I’m finally ready
to see him.

(moans)

I have an aching void
inside of me,

and seeing his face
is the only thing that could--

I’m sorry, hi,
I was on the phone.

Did you have a question?

Oh, I’m sorry.
This was a bad idea.

Oh, no, no, no.
You can stay, you can stay.

But would you do me a favor?

Would you be a dove
and wait over there?

We like to keep this area
clear.

Thanks.

By the way...

I just made
your whole year’s salary

while I was sitting
over there.

I thought you’d like to know.

-Hello, my son.
-Hi there.

And you are--

I am the Lord.

I have come
to get on the airwaves

that Richard Clark controls.

So that I may tell the world

that I have come back,
as I promised.

Okay, now, did you have
an appointment, or--

But, my son,

don’t you know me
from the Bible?

I am not much of a reader.

Um, I’d tell you,
if you could just have a seat,

it would be just a minute.
Thanks.

Listen, friend--

I know.
If you could have a seat.

Thanks.

Isn’t he the worst?

Yes, he is.

Can’t you do anything?

I’ll give him
one more minute.

You know, threatening me
with eternal damnation

won’t get you in
any faster.

(phone rings)

Dick Clark Productions.
Okay, and you are--

Welcome toCoffee Talk
with your host, Linda Richman.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.
I’m your host, Linda Richman.

First of all,
I want to say happy birthday

to my daughter,
Robin.

Happy Birthday,
Bubala.

Okay, now this show used
to be hosted by my friend,

Paul Baldwin,

but he developed shpilkes
in his geneckte gezeugte.

So now he’s in Boca Raton,
Florida, recovering nicely.

Thank you very much.

This is my best friend,
Liz Rosenberg.

Linda, don’t talk to me.
I’m having a bad hair day.

By the way, this is my mother,
she’s visiting from Scottsdale.

I live in Scottsdale
for my health.

I-I have trouble
with my, uh, woman’s problem

and-and I’m gassy.

But-But don’t worry,

I promise
I won’t say anything.

I’ll just sit here in the dark
like a dog.

Momala, no one wants to hear
how gassy you are.

You don’t know that severs
I’ve had with this woman.

Dr. Kevorkian, you can expect
a call from me anytime.

Okay, now this show
is dedicated, as ever,

to Barbra Joan Streisand.

-Yes.
-We love her.

We love her.

And of course, the big news,
Prince of Tides.

Seven Oscar nominations total,
including Best Picture.

Seven.

But Barbra did not get
a nomination

for Best Director.

Long story short,
I love Prince of Tides.

It was to die for.

And to think a poor,
little mescite from Brooklyn

made this masterpiece,

and she’s not getting
any recognition for it.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry,
but I get a little choked up.

Please,
do not get me started.

It’s so unfair!

Now I’m getting emotional.
I’m a little verklempt.

You’re verklempt.

You’re verklempt.
I’m verklempt.

I’m-I’m-I’m sorry.

Talk amongst yourselves.

There, it passed.

You know, I know a guy
who had a gall bladder thing.

He passed out
and it exploded.

It happens, you know?

Momala, shh.

Sit still.

Fine,
I’ll sit over in the corner

and eat wet cigarette butts.

Momala,
please stop complaining.

Do you believe this woman?

I know she’s my mother,
I shouldn’t say this,

but I’m going
to her condo now

and it’s starting to smell
from old lady.

-Neve.
-Neve.

Okay, let’s take a call.

The number is 555-4444.

Welcome to Coffee Talk.

Call.
We’ll talk, no big whoop.

woman:
Hello, Linda?

I was wondering,
did you see Barbra

onLarry King Live?

Yes, I did.

A full hour of Barbra,
it was like heroin.

-Heroin?
-Not that I know what it’s like,
it’s what I understand.

-It’s like on 20/20.
-Yes.

Barbra looked so beautiful
in the movie.

Did you see her nails?

They’re like butter.

Butter, like butter.

And those legs
in those sparkling stockings,

again, butter.

Butter.

Welcome to Coffee Talk,
the number is 555-4444.

man:
Hello, Linda?

I just wanted to say
I love your show.

Thank you very much.
You’re a beautiful person.

Don’t go changing
just to please me.

I’ll tumble for you.

Go on.

-So funny, you are.
-I can’t help it.

All right, did you see Barbra
on60 Minutes?

Yes, I did.

Ugh.

That Mike Wallace
was not very nice to her.

What he did to her
I wouldn’t wish

on my worse enemy’s dog,
poop, poop.

What about
what you do to me,

telling me to shut up
all the time?

You’re just like
your father,

telling me to shut up
all the time,

and then he runs away with some
young magician’s assistant.

He ran away because you
wouldn’t stop talking already.

PS, that’s what Hitler
said to me and our people

during the two wars.

PS, Momala, you lived in Miami
during the two wars.

You’re driving everyone crazy.

You drove your husband crazy
and now you’re driving me crazy.

(sobs)

You’re right.
It was all me.

Oh, I forgive you, Momala.

I love you, Momala.

I love you,
Tuttala.

This is so
Prince of Tides.

The scene where Nick Nolte
reconciles with Kate Nelligan.

Now I’m getting verklempt.

-We’re all verklempt.
-Verklempt.

I’m sorry.

Talk amongst yourselves.

I’ll give you a topic.

The Romanesque church design
was based on a Roman basilica.

Discuss.

Okay.
There, I feel better.

Me, too.

Thanks God
for waterproof Lancome.

Hey.
I want to take a call.

Welcome to Coffee Talk,
who’s this?

Hello?
Hello, talk.

-Hello, Linda?
-Hello.

I think Barbra should do a duet
with Madonna.

Ech, I don’t like that Madonna,
she’s a kulver.

She’s a tramp.

Every week
with a different boyfriend.

And this week, in the paper
with no clothes on.

Ech, who needs her?

Still,
that’s some body she has.

You should have
that body.

Did you see her legs?
They’re like butter.

Like two sticks of butter lashed
together in a roughhewn manner.

Kulver.

(squeals)

So now I hear
Madonna’s a Mexican,

but she doesn’t want anybody
to know.

I read it
in the Star.

Please,
don’t listen to my mother.

I love her,

but she’s a little ibaboodle
in the capi.

Relax. Relax, darling.
We’re all mishputka.

All right, well, that’s all
the time we have this week.

My name is Linda Richman.

And my name is Liz,
of course, this is my mother.

Barbra, we love you.

Hello, gorgeous.

The movie was like butter.

-Like butter.
-(audience laughs)

-Like a big stick of butter.
-(audience laughs)

Mamala! Oy!

All this talk about food,
I’m getting hungry, girls.

-(audience applauding)
-Oh, my God!

It’s Barbra!

It’s Barbra!

I love this woman!
It’s Barbra!

Oh, my God.
It’s Barbra.

-It’s Barbra.
-She is like butter.

-Like butter.
-Oh, I can die now.

I can die--
Barbra, you’re beautiful.

I’m verklempt.

That’s all the time we have,
I have to go and die now.

-Barbra. I love you.
-(mouthing) Barbra, I love you.

Announcer:Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

(audience applauding)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon,

I am presently recovering
from an attempted triple lutz.

(audience laughs)

Our top story,
Pat Buchanan has predicted

that President Bush
will now deploy

all the king’s horses
and all the king’s men

to defeat him
in the upcoming primaries.

Bush seized upon the analogy
and angrily retorted,

"Hey, diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle".

(audience laughs)

And now our lead story.

In the New Hampshire primary,

Paul Tsongas beat the other
democrats on Tuesday night

with 34% of the vote.

Although that was
an important victory,

Tsongas is already being
compared to Michael Dukakis

and will have
to campaign vigorously to prove

-that he’s not another geek,
uh, Greek from Massachusetts.
-(audience applause)

And now our top leading story.

Democratic hopeful Tom Harkin

ended up in the New Hampshire
Primary with 10% of the vote.

Harkin said that if he had
just gotten 80% of the vote,

it would have been
a totally different primary.

-(audience laughs)
-(clears throat)

Meanwhile, an exit poll
indicates that 94% of all exits

are used by people
leaving buildings.

(audience laughs)

The other 6% were used
by confused people

-looking for the entrance.
-(audience laughs)

Until Wednesday,
President Bush had refused

to say Pat Buchanan’s name
in public,

referring to his challenger
as the other guy.

Bush changed his practice after
voters came under the impression

that he was running
against Gene Siskel.

(audience applauding)

And at a campaign rally
this week,

President Bush responded to a
question about Pat Buchanan

by saying simply,

"Buchanan, hey, I got
your Buchanan right here!"

(audience applauding)

Well, the senate passed
a new energy bill this week

intended to find
alternative fuel sources

that could possibly bring out

some sort of charisma
in Paul Tsongas.

-(audience laughs)
-Uh, we’ll see how that goes.

And CIA director Robert Gates
announced today

that he plans to make
public secret files

on the assassination
of President John F. Kennedy.

Weekend Updatehas already
obtained one of the files.

(audience applauding)

-This...
-(audience applauding)

This document seems to confirm
the warrant commissions findings

-that Oswald did act alone.
-(audience laughs)

And this week’s
Time Magazinereveals

that former President Ronald
Reagan and Pope John Paul II

formed a secret alliance in 1982

to help save Poland’s
outlawed solidarity movement.

The Pope and Reagan were often
referred to by insiders

-as forgive and forget.
-(audience laughs)

Oh, Salman Rushdie,
still in hiding

since in his Islamic
death sentence,

has announced
he’ll marry for the third time.

Must be tough
being married to him.

I’ll say, "We never go out.
We never go out.

You don’t take me anywhere."

(audience applauding)

Sex advisors Masters and Johnson
are getting divorced

after 21 years of marriage.

But the couple say the split
is merely based on differences

in the goals each has
for the balance of their lives.

It’s a condition
more commonly known

as the he still wants to,
she doesn’t syndrome.

(audience laughs)

And in a related story,
Johnson and Johnson,

the famous shampoo couple
are calling it quits.

The messy fight expected
for custody of the baby shampoo.

(audience laughs)

A US nuclear submarine

collided with a Russian
nuclear sub last week

near the Arctic Circle.

Paramount studios already plans
to turn the accident

into a feature film
called Das Booboo.

(audience laughs)

The damage was minor

compared to a very messy
collision several years ago

between a US sub
and an Italian sub

with everything on it.
(clears throat)

(audience laughs)

Well, environmentalists report
that the slime and sludge

currently polluting
the waters of New York harbor

are actually
due to the leaking implants

installed
in the Statue of Liberty

-during a recent renovation.
-(audience applauding)

You know, I had a laugh
this morning.

A wallet that...

a wallet that belonged to George
Washington stolen last month

from a New Jersey museum was
returned to police this week.

The wallet contained
only a small portrait

of the late president
and worth about a dollar.

(audience laughs)

Well, Austria won the gold medal

in the Olympic four men
Bobsleigh races

held today
in Albertville, France.

Let’s take a look at that
exciting winning run right now.

-(audience laughs)
-(laughs)

There they go, that was
a $45 ticket by the way,

-very exciting.
-(audience applauds)

The US Team disappointed
with the results yesterday,

traded Hershel Walker
to the unified team

for a case of vodka
and a Serb to be named later.

(audience applauding)

Here with more on the subject
is our Grumpy Old Man, Grumpy.

(audience applauding)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I’m a grumpy old man

and I don’t like things now

compared to the way
they used to be.

Nowadays they got a thing
called the Winter Olympics

with all their modern
and safe equipment.

Who needs it?

Progress? Fliboody, flaboody,
floobody, flabofish.

(audience laughs)

In my day, we didn’t have
these fancy new skis.

In my day we’d find an
avalanche, pull out the corpses,

strap them to our feet
and go flying down the mountain,

yelling, "Look at me,
I’m riding dead people!".

Whoopee! It was a thing
of beauty I tell you.

Nowadays, if you win an event,

they give you a gold medal.

Phooey!

In my day, if you won,

they gave you a rotten piece
of stinking wood.

And if you got the bronze,

they’d slam steel spikes
through your feet.

And you’d scream,
"But I won’t lose again."

Of course you won’t.
You won’t walk again.

(chuckles)

Oh!
It was beautiful.

You know, in my day,
we compete.

One event was press your lips

through the freezing
metal pole.

Whoever fried his mouth
off the pole first won.

And the winner would look like
a bleeding lipless idiot,

holding a stinking piece of wood
with spikes through his feet,

saying, "Look at me,
I’m a freak and I love it.

Oh, it was glorious.
Where did it all go wrong?

Why, God, why?

Why God, all mighty Jehovah?
Answer me.

Why? Why? Why?"

(grunting)

-That’s right.
-Right, what a grump.

The hat worn by Oswald killer
Jack Ruby

has sold at auction
for $12,000.

While the price
was respectable,

the Ruby hat
didn’t bring as much

as the legendary Ruby slippers,

which went
for nearly $100,000.

Michael Jackson returned
from Africa this week

after getting in trouble
for touching his nose.

Local residents thought Jackson
was saying, "They smelled bad".

Michael apologized

and said he’ll try
and break the nose habit,

and go back
to more familiar territory.

You know, there’s a big,
big world out there

filled with millions of people.

And at any given moment,
you just might be one of them.

This week,

Geraldo Rivera had fat cells
from his behind

implanted in his head
to remove wrinkles.

That-That would make him
a butthead, wouldn’t it?

Well, in turn, he also had the
fat cells removed from his brain

to get the wrinkles
out of his ass.

And in tragic news today,

Elroy Jetson of the famed
Jetson family was arrested

for armed robbery.

Elroy and an unidentified
masked accomplice

walked into a bank and said,
"Rand rover rour roney."

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

Stuart:
I deserve good things.

I am entitled
to my share of happiness.

I refuse
to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

Announcer:Daily Affirmation
with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley
is a caring nurturer,

a member
of several 12-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m gonna do
a great show today.

And I’m gonna help people

because I’m good enough,
I’m smart enough,

and, doggonit,
people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First of all,

I-I have to admit

that I did get
some negative reactions

to my latest show entitled,

"Whining is Anger Coming
Through a Very Small Opening."

And it was not my best show,

but that’s okay.

Only the mediocre
are always at their best.

And today, I think,
we have a great show

because I have
too very special guest,

my sister, Jodie S.

I’ll protect her anonymity.

And Jodie, like me,

is a gratefully recovering
overeater,

who six months ago got out of
rehab for her eating disorder.

And what was that?

-Eating constantly.
-Uh-huh.

And Jodie is now in OA.

And you have lost
how much weight?

200 pounds.

-Give or take 50.
-Uh-huh.

Well, you look terrific, sis.

Look at you,
all in one chair.

Also-also with us is one
of Jodie’s former husbands,

Bobby Hansel,

who abandoned my sister,
and her boy four years ago.

Now, Bobby, you just got out
of rehab, for what?

I’m a cross-addicted
chemical dependence, Stuart.

Alcohol, cocaine,
speed, horse tranquilizer,

Uh-huh.

And now you went to rehab
to avoid prison,

didn’t you?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Now when you got out
of rehab,

the first person
you called was Jodie?

Well,
it was a beautiful phone call.

He said he wanted
to make amends, you know,

for all the stuff he did.

Like hitting you?

Well, yeah.

Selling drugs
out of your garage?

That, too.

Flicking lit matches at you
while you’re asleep?

Yeah.

Throwing a space heater in the
tub while you’re taking a bath,

trying to electrocute you.

-Yeah, all that stuff.
Uh-huh.

It was a real romantic
phone call, honey.

Hmm, I bet.

Now you have been out
of rehab

for about a week now,
Bobby,

and I understand you two are
talking about getting remarried,

which is a little premature

but it’s your life
and living let live.

You know, it’s just amazing

how without the chemicals
medicating me,

I realized that Jodie
is exactly what I need.

You know, he’s working really
hard on staying sober,

and you know,
well, let’s face it, damn it,

you know,
we’re-we’re in love.

It’s that simple.

Is it? Is it Jodie?

I mean, maybe it’s not love,
maybe it’s codependency.

I mean,
it-it runs in the family,

we’re all codependent,
except, of course,

for dad whose a big drunk
like Bobby, here.

Hey, can it?
you little fruit.

But why don’t you
just snort some cocaine?

Please. Please, you guys,
don’t fight.

Oh, anything for peace,
huh, Jodie?

That is so codependent.

Well, look,
I’ll-I’ll be nice to Bobby

if you--if you go through
a little exercise for me.

What is it?

Okay, well,
this is called a Bataka bat

and we use it to get out
our anger.

Oh, I’m not angry.

Jodie,
it’s easier to put on slippers

than to carpet the world.

-Go ahead, honey.
-There you go.

Now I want you
to hit this pillow.

Now this pillow
represents Bobby’s disease,

not Bobby, whom we love,
but Bobby’s disease

which you may be
a little angry at, okay?

Now remember
about five years ago

when Bobby’s disease tried
to run you down in his car.

Oh, well, he’s was, you know,
just chasing me.

Uh-huh.

And remember
when Bobby’s disease

hit a parking meter
and Bobby’s disease

jumped out of the car
and took a shot at you.

Well, he was a green beret
steward.

I mean, if he really
want to hit me,

-I’m sure he could have.
-Mm-hmm.

And--and how did you deal
with that, Jodie?

I went in the house
and I ate a big bag of Oreos.

And?

And meatloaf.

(audience laughing)

And?

And a tube
of cookie dough.

Hit the pillow, Jodie.

-Shut up, Stewart.
-Hit the pillow, Jodie.

-Well, I had it coming.
-Hit the pillow.

I said, zip it, man!

Well, my eating was really
getting on his nerves,

driving him crazy.

-Hit the pillow.
-I don’t want to.

-Hit it.
-I don’t want to.

Hit it.

-Hit it.
-(grunting)

I’m--I’m sorry,
that was all my fault.

No.

No, it’s--it’s my fault.

I’m--I’m not
a licensed therapist.

No.

No, no,
it’s--it’s my fault.

I should have made Bobby
come on.

No, it’s--it’s my fault.
I don’t know what I’m doing.

-No, no, it’s my fault.
-No, no, it’s my fault.

Shut up!

Okay, uh,
this was not my best show

(audience laughing)

But that’s okay.

Because this is Stuart Smalley
saying,

"I’m good enough,
I’m smart enough,

and, doggone it,
people like me."

Announcer:
This has been today’s

Daily Affirmation
with Stuart Smalley.

(audience applauding)

Oh, my God.

I’m so mad at Jamie

for making such a fool out of me
in Chemistry today.

Could your hair
be more red?

It is like my mom’s and she
could not look more like Bozo.

Could it be colder in here?

No, I can’t wait
for Spring Break.

My elbows are so dry.
Where’s Pam?

She went to pick up
Mrs. Munson.

You know,
I think it is so great

that we are the first sorority

to accept a student
from that school.

I am so proud of us.

(audience laughs)

-Could we be prouder?
-No way.

-No way.
-There is way.

-Guys!
-There is now way.

May I present,
Mrs. Munson.

Welcome to Delta Delta Delta.

Oh, my God.
Just call me Christy, please.

Listen, no pressure,

but I just want you to know
that even though you are--

because you are older,
not much related student,

you have to keep up
academically.

Your eyes
are so almond-shaped.

(audience laughing)

Um, Christy,
this house was built in 1849.

Did you know that Benetton
is opening up down the street?

(audience laughing)

Oh, my God!

But that is sending me
to the poor house

with all these MasterCard bills
from Benetton.

You know,
and we’re so into recession.

Everybody says so.

It was all the talk
at the New Hampshire Primary.

Pat Buchanan is so cute.

Could my hairbrush
have more hair in it?

Gross!

Christy, you--you are so mature
during rush week.

I can’t even tell you.
Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Could it be any whiter?

I’m so excited
for the mixer on Saturday,

what time does it start?

8:00 sharp,
don’t be late.

Oh, depression!

My mother-in-law is having
a cheap dinner party that night.

-That is so sad.
-No way!

-I am so sorry.
-Hugs!

I can’t wait.

Excuse me,

I’m sorry to interrupt
to whatever, sisters,

but I have the worst gas
right now.

I’ve got to go use the can
right now.

Oh, man! Oh, my God!
I got to let one rip.

(audience laughing)

Oh, my God!

Excuse me,
but to let one rip?

And could her pores
be bigger?

Like, I don’t know
about you guys,

but I think that BM’s
are really personal.

(audience laughing)

Not--

I mean, not only that, okay,
but her hair is so dyed.

Could I say one more insult?

Is it so obvious that she
has to had her hair colors done?

-I mean--
-I am so scared.

She is in there right now
dropping stick bombs.

(audience laughing)

We are not gonna be able to go
in there for another week

and two of my best sweaters
are in there drying right now

and they are gonna smell
so bad!

Plus I have to take a shower
there for 20 minutes because--

(babbling)

(audience laughing)

Hi, Christy!

-Christy.
-Christy, that’s so soon?

Okay, girls,
it was a false alarm

and I heard every word
you just said.

Christy, oh--

You know, I put my husband
through college

by moonlighting at 7-11,
you know?

And so now I thought
it was my turn to better myself

and thank you so much
for destroying my dream!

Christy,
can I say one thing?

We did not say a thing,
I swear.

And I come from a really
religious background.

Meg, you are blankly lying.

Besides, Christy, we talk back
behind everybody’s back.

The truth is we’re really
honored to have you with us.

Oh, my God!

I have eye gouge
in the corner of my eye.

I can’t get it out.

(audience laughing)

Well, look, okay.
It’s okay.

I--I really
do have large pores

and okay, I did have gas.

(telephone ringing)

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, food!

-Get it!
-I got it!

Well, hurry.

Delta Delta Delta,

can I help you, help you,
help you?

(audience laughing)

Oh, hi, Mr. Munson.
It’s your husband.

Yes, she’s here right now.

Well, you’re right next door?
Well, then come over!

Oh, I can’t believe my husband’s
gonna come over here!

-Right, right, right!
-(doorbell dings)

And here he is.

-Hi.
-Hi, Mr. Munson. Come on in.

-How are you? Hi, Christy.
-Dad.

You know, Peter’s
got a piano recital tonight.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
I completely forgot.

Are you okay?

Oh, I’m so embarrassed,
are you all right?

Are you going to be okay?

Listen, sweetheart,

when you’re playing
at your recital tonight,

if you make any mistakes,

you just--you just know
that that is okay

because people
makes mistakes

and that’s how you learn
in life, okay?

You are so cute.

You girls are majorly
my very best friends,

but bye now.

-Bye-bye!
-Bye!

* We love you, Christy
Yes, we do *

* We love you, Christy
It’s true *

My God!
Now I so want to have a baby.

Could her life
make our live look more empty.

And could her husband
be cuter?

You know,
I think he was loving you.

-As well as loving you.
-No, he was loving you.

Oh, my God, he hit on me.

I can’t believe it
so completely.

(audience applauding)

Announcer: And now,
Deep Thoughts by Jeff Handey.

Contrary to what
most people say,

The most dangerous animal
in the world,

is not the lion or the tiger,

or even the elephant.

It’s a shark
riding on an elephant’s back

just trampling
and eating everything they see.

(audience applauding)

-Hey, we had a great time.
-We had a great time!

Thanks
to Red Hot Chili Peppers!

(audience cheering)

Everybody, the cast,
thank you very much.