Original subtitles

Hello, I’m Vern Landquist.

We’re about to witness one of those dramatic moments that

makes the Winter Olympics the electrifying spectacle we here at CBS

are so much associated with.

Ryan Deming, a young man from Rockford, Illinois,

a real Cinderella story.

A man who is not expected to win a medal here in Albertville,

can with an impressive performance tonight,

vault himself into contention for the gold medal in Men’s Figure Skating?

Our own Scott Hamilton is with us.

[audience laughing]

Scott, what does Brian need tonight?

Vern, Bryan needs a 5.6, that’s a 5.6 that pass Alexander Hewing

for a silver medal, 5.8 for a gold.

He can’t afford a big mistake but I watch Bryan in practice

today and he was exquisite.

All he has to do is skate the program,

he skated this afternoon, Bryan will have his medal.

[Vern:] Thank you, Scott.

Here’s Bryan now, he is taking his position on the ice.

And now we see Bryan’s mother, the woman whose story

of sacrifice we’re now all familiar with.

Driving Bryan 120 mile everyday back and forth to Chicago,

seven days a week, 52 weeks a year for 16 years

so that he could train with Marty Scheinholds.

Quite a story.

We have reached the moment of truth, let’s watch!

[Scott:] What a bold choice of music!

Now this first move coming up is a triple twist lots,

it’s very crucial to it!

- Ooh! - Ooh!

That’s too bad, that will cost him the gold

Oh! That’s a shame, Scott!

[Scott:] Yes, it’s very, very disappointing

but he’s not letting up!

He still looks like he can really...

- Oooh! - Oooh!

That will cost him even the bronze.

[Vern:] Really! Just for that fall.

[Scott:] Yes it was just so totally out of control!

[Vern:] But he has gotten up and he’s continuing on.

[Scott:] Yes, you really have to admire

the way this young man has hung in there...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

[Vern:] What was he trying there?

[Scott:] That was a Double Axel, Vern,

but he must have cut an edge because he just wiped out.

[Vern:] But he’s up again, what courage!

It looks like he’s perhaps injured himself.

[Scott:] Yes, he seems to be favoring his...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

[Scott:] Well, that was awful!

- He should quit now. - Yes, he...

[Scott:] Totally out of his routine. I’d say he’s completely...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Could this cause permanent...

- Ooh! - Ooh! Permanent...

- Ooh! - Ooh! Damage?

Yes, he really should...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Someone has to really stop this.

But Olympic rules. Prohibit...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Anyway, uhm, we’re actually...

- Ooh! - Ooh!

[Scott:] You know I think the important thing about the Olympics

is to come here and compete and give it your best

and I can say as a former Olympian,

the greatest thrill is just having been there

and that’s something that Bryan will have for the rest of his life.

[Vern:] Who is skating next, Scott?

[Scott:] Randy Bauer of Germany, Vern.

He’s a very graceful and technically superior skater

but he doesn’t have the flamboyance of a Franz Pimik.

Franz, of course, the civil engineer from Zurich,

whose wife is expecting a baby any minute.

Yes, quite a human drama there.

And of course, will be going to highlights of the Women’s Alpine Skiing later in the broadcast

and that exciting run by Oligarha this afternoon in the Giant Slalom.

But back to Bryan Deming, who appears to be wrapping up

his heroic performance here in Albertville, yes!

[audience cheering]

We are waiting for Bryan’s scores,

let’s go down to Tracy Wilson who is with Bryan.

Bryan that was a bold choice of music.

Here are the scores...

0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0,

that’s the Russian judge.

Oh! There’s a 0.2, and another 0.0,

and another 0.0.

Bryan are you disappointed?

Bryan is there anything that you can say?

Live from New York...

It’s Saturday Night!

[Cheers and music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live!

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring Beth Cayhall,

Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Teenage Fanclub,

and starring Jason Priestley.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jason Priestley!

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much, thank you!

Thank you.

Okay, enough already.

Okay, It’s great to be here in Saturday Night Live!

Had a great time here in New York this week,

it’s been an interesting change from my work on Beverly Hills 90210.

I don’t know if I want to do it every week, though.

I’m just not so used to a town that’s so uh, 10112, I mean,

I don’t know it’s just me.

Anyway there’s a special group here I’d like to mention tonight,

winners of a contest you might have heard about on MTV.

The Beverly Hills to Big Apple Valentine’s Day Weekend

with yours truly, Jason Priestley.

Let’s give them a big welcome!

[audience cheering]

Now, they have just arrived and they are going to see the show tonight.

Tomorrow, we are all gonna go see where the Regis Falls is,

followed by Dinner at Mama Leone’s, then Monday,

we’re gonna go back to L.A., they’ll be guest on the set of

Beverly Hills 90210.

How are you guys doing tonight?

[audience cheering]

Thank you!

Your flight was okay, everything’s alright?

Okay now if you need anything, if you have any questions, just let me know, okay? Yeah.

Hi! Jason, is Luke Perry here tonight?

[audience laughing]

Uh, no, I don’t think so.

Uhm, do you know if he’s in town?

No, I don’t know what Luke’s doing.

Okay, thank you.

You?

What is it like working with Luke?

[audience laughing]

I-- I like working with Luke.

He’s really a great guy.

So, he’s like really approachable,

you can just go right up to him?

Yeah, he’s very approachable.

Yeah?

Isn’t it really weird just to walk down the street with Luke?

Is everybody mobbing him all the time?

It must be scary. No, that doesn’t scare me at all.

Yeah?

This question is about Shannen Doherty.

Yeah, sure.

Will she be sleeping with Luke Perry again this season?

[audience laughing]

I don’t really know that.

I was just so jealous. I just hate her.

[audience laughing]

I’m not a contest winner but uh, I have a question.

Are you related to Elvis Presley?

[audience laughing]

No.

Thank you very much.

Yeah. You?

You have Luke Perry’s address?

No, I don’t, sorry.

Well, if I give you a letter, could you take it to him?

Just send it to the show.

Yeah?

This is not a question about Luke Perry...

Okay! Great!

You know that really hot guy that plays Dylan McKay on your show?

That is Luke Perry?

That’s Luke Perry?

He is hot!

Yes! He is... He’s very hot.

Okay I have time for one more question...

as long as it’s not about Luke Perry.

[audience laughing]

Alright, then, well, we’ve got a great show tonight, of course,

Teenage Fan Club is here...

and we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

If you’re concerned about auto safety,

you probably know about this: the air bag!

Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision.

But there’s one drawback to the conventional airbag,

it may save your life but what do you eat while waiting for help to arrive.

We, at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer...

the Jiffy Pop Air bag.

It’s quick and easy.

Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernels in the steering column

are instantly fed to the engine block,

where they’re heated with oil from the crank case.

As the corn is popped, the bag expands,

protecting the driver from injury and best of all,

providing a delicious low-calorie treat.

[audience laughing]

It’s as fun to eat as it is to make.

[sound of siren]

Are you okay?

Uhm, how’s the other driver?

Not too good.

How’s the Jiffy Pop?

Great!

The Jiffy Pop Air Bag-because we don’t want you to walk away

from your next accident on an empty stomach.

[Narrator:] The Jiffy Pop Air Bag-Now in Cheddar Cheese!

[audience cheering]

Hi guys!

Hey, Gildo!

That’s Hildo, with an "H"

Yeah! Whatever Dildo!

Hi Kristen!

Will you go to homecoming Dance with me?

Oh, oh, I already have a date Dildo.

Ok I understand.

By the way that’s Hildo, H-I-L-D-O, Hildo.

Oh, okay, well, thanks anyway, Dildo!

Mr. Wilson, can I, uh, can I talk to you,

I was wondering if I can talk to you about the Sociology exams.

Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo.

Yeah, listen, that’s Hildo, with a "ha", not a "da", okay?

Sounds good, Dildo, but you have to excuse me, I’ve got a class.

Hey, Dildo!

What’s up, Dildo!

How you doin’, Dildo?

Dildo!

[audience cheering]

My name is Hildo, alright!

Hildo! Damn it! Hildo!

Well, here’s your new home, Dildo!

Hope you like it!

Hey! Here’s your new roommate.

What are you in for, Hildo?

Did you just call me Hildo?

Yeah, it’s your name, isn’t it?

Yeah, but my whole life...

Well, allow me to introduce myself, I’m Larry.

Larry Bagina

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Sprockets. Sprockets.

West German television presents Sprockets.

Meet your host, Dieter.

Welcome to Sprockets, I’m your host, Dieter.

Yesterday--

[audience cheering]

You will be quiet now!

Thank you very much!

Yesterday was Valentine’s day and I loved it!

I gave my lover a piece of Rose Quartz in a heart-shaped box,

and my lover gave me some chocolate coins and a tongue bath.

[audience laughing]

I was as happy as a little girl.

And so, in keeping the Valentine’s day,

I would like to introduce a new feature to Sprockets,

it is a game in which young lovers are brought together,

it is called "Love Werks"

[music]

Love Werks.

Provided in exchange for promotional consideration by Delta.

Delta, we love to fly and it shows.

Welcome to "Love Werks". Let’s meet our bachelor,

he’s a printer from Dresden.

His hobbies include appraising antiques and then smashing them,

his favorite Soccer team is the Borussia Monchengladbach,

his body is free from tattoos and he hates his father.

Please welcome Wolfie Schreiber.

Welcome to "Love Werks", are you excited to meet your lover?

Yes, I’ve not had a lover in some time,

I’ve just got to know over the case of Jaundice

and I have a lot of things to sort out about my father.

I just want of say a quick hello to my friend, Helmut if I could.

Hello, Helmut!

[audience laughing]

Then, let us meet your bachelorettes!

Bachelorette number one, tell us about yourself.

My name is Eltza and my work is nurse in Hamburg Krankenhaus

but I want to be an actress.

Uhm, fascinating!

Bachelorette number two, tell us about yourself.

Well, by night, I’m a dominatrix,

and by day I work at the Lego factory outside of Baden-Baden.

[audience laughing]

I adore Lego. It is like a thousand toys "in van".

[audience laughing]

Bachelorette number three, tell us about yourself.

My name is Susan,

and I’ve just gotten out of prison.

Curious, you know, some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen have been men.

Bachelorette number four...

My name is Mrs. Schreiber,

und I am Wolfie’s mother.

Mother!

Alright!

Let’s play "Love Werks".

Wolfie, you may ask the bachelorettes questions.

Alright, bachelorette number one,

what is your idea of a perfect date?

Well, a perfect date would start with a nice meal,

we would go to the Opera and then go back to my flat

for a coffee and chocolate fingers.

That sounds great! Bachelorette number two?

A perfect date for me would be impossible under existing German laws.

[audience laughing]

But a good date would involve a lot of humiliation,

a sound spanking, and of course coffee and chocolate fingers.

[audience laughing]

Bachelorette number three?

First of all, I would push you to the ground,

pee on you chanting "House on fire! House on fire!

Put it out! Put it out!"

Then I will force you to drink Antifreeze until you pass out,

then you would wake up in excruciating pain

with a size seven poop shoot!

[audience laughing]

Delicious! Shake and bake!

And we have... one last question!

Bachelorette number one, if you’re an element on the periodic table of elements,

what element would you be?

I would be Carbon.

- Number two? - Zinc.

- Number three? - Helium

- Number four? - Berkelium.

Very good!

Before you make a decision, let me tell you

what you and your bachelorette will do.

Your adventure begins when a Spielkunst Tour Bus arrives at your house,

from there you’re magically whisked away to the restaurant, Potato in Chainman.

After the meal,

you will be given a mineral salt rub and a cup of Olive Oil

courtesy of The House of Knives.

And then you’ll be taken to Hawaii!

So Wolfie, who will it be?

Eltza, the nurse from the Hamburg Krankenhaus,

the Lego Dominatrix, Susan,

the She-male, or your mother?

Mother!

They all sounded delicious but I will go with number three!

Why did you decide to go with Susan?

Well, I abhor chocolate fingers and she-he reminds me of my father.

Uhm, curious.

Come, let’s meet your lover!

Oh my god! She-he’s repellant!

Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance!

That’s all the time we have for this week, my guest has been Wolfie.

My name is Dieter.

Auf Wiedersehen!

[audience cheering]

Alright! Alright! We’re back.

Now, once again I wanna thank Mr. Carl Reiner,

he is still "The Man".

[audience cheering]

Alright, Alright, now they are coming up.

Ladies, are you ready?

These five men had been under microscope for the reasons they find unjust.

They have been subject to accusations and they are here

to respond the best way they know how.

[audience laughing]

I want you to chew it up for the "New Kids on the Block".

[audience cheering]

Yes, on the...

Yes, block...

Now just in case, if anyone’s been living in a cave,

why don’t you tell each one of us your names?

Hey! I’m Little Joe.

[audience cheering]

Yeah! I’m Jordan.

[audience cheering]

My name’s Jonathan.

[audience cheering]

Yeah! I’m Danny.

Yo! What up? I’m Donnie.

[audience cheering]

Yes, Yes, Yes.

Alright, now these people know why you’re here.

So I’m gonna let you all do the talking.

Yo! I seen it all. You know, "the New Kids..."

want to set a few things straight,

You know people been saying like, you know,

accusing us to lip synch in our songs in concert and saying

we don’t sing in our albums.

You know, and that crap is wack, damn.

[audience laughing]

I mean, you know in the past, we had some vocal tracks backin’ us at our concerts,

’coz we were dancing!

And it’s wicked hard to dance and sing at the same time.

Oh yeah! And on our first album, we had this one guy

singing all the songs for us.

But yo! you know, that was a wicked long time ago.

So check it! "New Kids" are here to say quit dissing us so hard,

we kick out our own stuff.

Now, I mean, c’mon! damn!

We not only sing songs now, you know, we write the songs.

Yeah! That’s something, man!

Yeah! You know, we do it on our own now,

we even make our own costumes, you know.

Yeah! And that’s not an easy thing to do!

Check it out, Danny’s wearing our new costume that we’re gonna wear this tour.

[audience cheering]

Alright! Alright!

Now, what about the rumors?

How should I say this?

People have said there’s some elderly woman

that puts this costumes on you.

Yo! You know that’s a total lie!

We put our own costumes on all by ourselves now.

[audience cheering]

Wait, as you know, there’s more.

we also make our own plane reservations and hotel accommodations.

[audience cheering]

And we also designed the new house we’re gonna live in.

We’ll show it to you right here.

Check it out!

You know what I’m saying?

[audience cheering]

Of course, we’re primarily singers.

Now, understand, we’re gonna get some of that "new Kids..." harmony.

Check this out!

* New *

* New Kids *

* On *

* The *

* Block *

[audience cheering]

That’s them! That’s them! Alright here!

And I can hear them all singing.

Now, don’t leave us hanging just that.

I hear that. Now, guys, lets kick it!

[music]

Yo! Before we start singing, you also ought to know

that were write our own songs we also do our own choreography!

* Girl, I can’t stop thinking of you, girl *

* Y-o-u spells Girl *

* Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes *

* ’Coz the lady’s not here to help us no more *

* Went down to the store I got myself some juice *

* It tasted good and fresh and I love you *

* Girl, you are wicked awesome *

* Whenever I bought my own shirt *

* I think of you girl *

* Whenever I make my own plane reservation *

* I think of you girl *

* ’Coz girl, you are wicked awesome *

* My name is Donnie and I’m here to say *

* that call me Donnie ’coz that’s my name *

* Bananas are good in every way *

* An apple a day keeps the doctor away. *

* Purina cat chow, Chow! Chow! Chow! *

* My friends can only see me now *

* I’m walking, I’m talking, Macaulay Culkin *

* Word says that! *

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

* You are wicked awesome! *

[audience cheering]

"New Kids on the Block"

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

[Male voice:] Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,

I do a little trick to calm myself down.

I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell.

When the person comes to the door, I’m gone.

But you know what I’ve left on the porch?

A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head

with a note that says "You."

After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I get that a lot.

Last week, President Bush was criticized for being

out of touch with the American public when he showed amazement

at seeing a Supermarket Price Scanner in action.

He was further embarrassed when Dan Quayle became mesmerized

by the 25 cent rocket to the moon ride next to the store’s entrance.

And now, our top story, George Bush,

officially announced his candidacy for President this week, and yesterday,

he braved cold temperatures up in New Hampshire

for a final campaign pitch.

It was reported to have been 21 degrees for the President’s visit

and minus 10 degrees for the cold shoulder factor.

[audience laughing]

So far, Bill Clinton got in trouble for making phone calls

then this week, for writing someone a letter but he promises,

if elected, he’ll stop communicating altogether just like a good president should.

[audience laughing]

Clinton admitted that not only was he against the Vietnam War in the States.

He did in fact also use the word groovy several times.

[audience laughing]

And Paul Tsongas began campaigning in Los Angeles this week.

[audience laughing]

Presidential hopeful Bob Kerrey tried to impress New Hampshire voters

by inhaling cigarette smoke through a woman’s ear.

[audience laughing]

Not a bad trick!

New York governor Mario Cuomo officially declared himself

a pretend candidate for the 1992 Presidential Elections.

Said Cuomo, "I just want to see" His announcement was brushed aside

by other Democratic Contenders with the exception of Jerry Brown

who claimed that pretending to be a candidate was his idea first.

[audience laughing]

Well, officials of this year’s Winter Olympics announced this week

that the Biathlon and the Lose-Serve-No-real Purpose

and are just a couple of stupid things you could do in snow.

[audience laughing]

And next, heavyweight champ Mike Tyson was found guilty

on charges of rape this week and now faces up to 60 years in an Indiana State Prison.

Tyson won’t be sentenced until March 6 although several of the inmates

have already sent him Valentine’s Day cards.

[audience cheering]

Mike Tyson’s $7 million dollar a year salary will be down to $1 a day in prison

or about 6o cents after Don King gets his cut.

[audience laughing]

Back to you, Kevin.

Thank you, Kevin.

You know sometimes life can really bring you down,

things don’t go your way and everything seems like

it’s about to cave in on you.

And responding to widespread criticism,

rape victim, Desiree Washington announced today that she has changed her mind

and has decided to withhold her identity after all.

[audience laughing]

Last week, an elephant was shot after storming out of a circus tent in Florida.

Here with the commentary as Animal Rights Activist, David Spade. David.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Kevin.

Animal abuse is on all-time high this year,

now, is this necessary?

I specially wanna focus on the Circus Elephant, Kelly

that went crazy and ran out of the on the big top last week.

Do they really have to shoot her?

I have sympathy for Kelly, I’d go crazy too if I was forced to join the circus.

And they’re so brutally mean to them.

And really, was Kelly that out of line?

I mean so what if she runs out of the tent and steps on a few jugglers. Good!

Do us all a favor.

Hey! Look I can do five pins and you can’t do any. Crunch!

Thank you!

She’s mad as hell and I couldn’t take it anymore.

One day, she’s got five kids in her back, kicking and screaming,

some cow-hand jabber with a stun gun.

Just thinking, is this really making it in the business? I don’t think so.

And some kid yells, "Faster! You big blob of crap!"

Kelly says " You want faster? You little nerd?"

It was like Dumbo meets Pappy and meets somebody that runs out of a tent.

Now, they shot him but they didn’t have to.

Excuse me, what would you have done?

Well, I don’t need a gun buddy ’coz I got these guns men!

I’d give her a couple of shots to those pre-historic sole reflexes.

Boom! Boom! Right! Knock the wind out of her!

Give her the old-throw-sand-in her-eyes like in the movies.

Then, boom! Boom! A couple of snap kicks to the skull,

then she falls down totally dazed,

and I start banging her head in the car door.

Bang! Wang! Wang!

She’s getting a few punches but I wouldn’t feel it.

I’d be so psyched to beat her ass, right!

And then, I’ll give her pile diver, boom! Huh!

You like that? Boom! You think this is a game, Kelly?

Boom! Right! Then the cops would pull us apart...

Whoa! Whoa! Easy, easy easy!

I thought you wanted everyone to be nice to animals?

You know what I, I means, this...

It’s almost as bad as shooting. Hypocrite!

Well, whatever man.

I knew I could take you, dude!

Thank you, David Spade.

[audience cheering]

Well, a new study has revealed that there is new study revealed every 2.8 minutes.

[audience laughing]

Survey has disclosed that surveys are even more popular than new studies.

And the recent Poll indicates that recent Polls

are gaining acceptance over new studies and Surveys.

Finally, report shows that Americans are fed up

with studies, polls, surveys and reports.

[audience cheering]

You know I was thinking.

A new test shows that U.S. students are among the worst

in all developed countries when it comes to skills in Math and Science.

On the brighter side, foreign students generally wear glasses

and look real nerdy while our students get all the babes.

[audience laughing]

Japan’s heaviest Sumo Wrestler, 576 lbs., Konishiki

married slim Japanese fashion model Sumika Shioda yesterday.

If you like to send a gift, the couple is registered

at the Bloomingdales and Sea World.

[audience laughing]

Due to the increased ozone lost, scientist have decided to spray Minoxidil in the air

to see if some of the ozone grows back. Good luck!

And on a press conference, Wednesday rap star, Hammer

announced that he was sitting pretty.

Hammer’s hastily called conference was a response

to Michael Jackson’s announcement Tuesday that he was "Rolling in Dough".

[audience laughing]

Controversial new book about phone sex called Vox hits the stand recently.

It graphically describes people’s sexual encounters over the phone.

The book has quickly become a best-seller despite its cost,

$9.95 for the first page and $2 for each of the additional page.

[audience laughing]

Well, Elizabeth Taylor is going to celebrate her 60th birthday in Disneyland.

She thought it would be nice to celebrate with her ex-husbands

who are all working there.

[audience laughing]

Yeah!

Did you ever wonder...

[audience laughing]

This just in: Country Cross-over star, Kenny Rogers

has just announced that he is, "Raking it in".

[audience laughing]

And in Milwaukee this afternoon, the jury decided

that Jeffrey Dahmer was not insane when he mutilated and devoured 15 victims.

Dahmer will not receive the death penalty because by tradition

he would be able to have whoever he wanted for his last meal.

[audience laughing]

A new invention called the Rat-o-Pult is designed to trap rats by throwing them

up to 50 ft through the air into a nearby bucket.

This way, the rat is captured unharmed while also earning

valuable freaking flyer miles.

[audience laughing]

Not a bad idea!

And, Cecil Jacobson is on trial facing charges that he secretly fathered up to 75 children

by substituting his sperm for that of donors.

This was finally discovered when his desk at work

became completely cluttered with baby pictures.

Many of them bearing a striking resemblance to Jacobson.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that news for me.

[music and cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, very special Beverly Hills 90210

So, Bren, what do you think this assembly is all about?

I don’t know boy, I mean, maybe they’re gonna pass out more condoms to promote safe sex.

Ah, more condoms?

Why don’t we use the one’s we already got?

Hey, Brandon and Brenda!

Hey, Dylan!

[audience cheering]

So, what is this about, another condom giveaway?

We’re gonna have to do that whole date-rape thing again?

Oh, I think they’ve kinda given up on that one.

- Yeah, well... - Hey, Kelly, Donna!

How’s it going?

Hi Brandon, Brenda, Dylan!

So, Brandon, Brenda, Dylan and Kelly,

why do you think they called this assembly?

Teen suicide or are they handing out condoms again?

Here’s the Superintendent.

Good morning!

I’d like to begin by reminding you all about an item from the School Dress Code,

that some of you have appeared to have overlooked.

Under Grooming, Article 2A,

Sideburns are to be worn at all times,

and must be at minimum length of three inches

or one quarter inch from the bottom of the earlobes

for students with attached earlobes

and to the bottom of the ear cartilage

for students with free-hanging lobes.

But this is not the main reason I brought you here today,

as you know this country is in the midst of a deep recession.

I felt it in Beverly Hills, but which will nonetheless

require sacrifices from all Americans.

Here to tell us a little bit about our role

that we, in Beverly Hills will be playing, he’s a man who needs no introduction.

He has delivered mail to all your homes.

Please welcome, mail carrier, Al McPherson.

Al...

[applause]

Thank you, Superintendent.

You all know me, I’m your mailman,

I have a lot of mail to deliver so I’m gonna make this brief.

In this country,

there are nearly 100,000 Post Offices,

and they are denoted by a five-digit Zip Code,

such as Beverly Hills 90210.

Now, that’s a lot of Post Offices, and well,

we are in a recession.

So to make a long story short, effective March 31,

the Beverly Hills Post Office will be closed.

Zip Code 90120 will be permanently retired.

Oh, c’mon!

Don’t worry, you’ll get your mail.

Beverly Hills, will henceforth be served under the Zip Code

90218.

That will be covering the communities of Beverly Hills,

Sherman Oaks and parts of North Hollywood.

Don’t worry. Yes, you have a question?

Does that mean Bijan on Rodeo Drive

will have the same Zip Code as Mr. Tux on Ventura Boulevard?

I’m afraid so.

Oh no!

No!

[music]

You know, Dylan, I live in North Hollywood and it’s really not that bad.

You get your car washed cheap.

If you need something nice for the prom,

they got that Mr. Tux on Ventura Boulevard.

Shut up!

Have some coffee, you’ll feel better.

Well, I didn’t order any coffee.

You know that many parts of Sherman Oaks is world renowned.

Man, you’re not getting it, are you? Huh?

[audience cheering]

Dad, what’s going on?

You better take care of your friend there, Brandon.

Dylan, what have you been doing?

Have you been drinking?

Well, I like drinking, okay! You got a problem with that?

It’s about what the mailman said today, isn’t it?

Huh? Huh?

Come on, answer me, answer me.

Oh! Dylan.

What do you know about me, huh?

Oh! It’s easy for you, you just moved here.

I’ve had this Zip Code all my life, it’s a part of me!

[audience laughing]

C’mon, Dylan, it’s just a mail, man!

It’s all just catalogues!

You don’t get it, do you?

You don’t get it. You know what 90218 means?

It means we live in the valley!

Hey! Hey! C’mon buddy, where do you think you’re going?

For a little spin, I got a little drunk-driving to do.

[audience laughing]

I can’t let you do that, man!

Give me your keys.

C’mon it’s not that bright in here, give me your keys.

Okay!

Where have you two been?

Shopping!

Doesn’t mean that we live in 90218, we have to dress like it!

Look at this black mini dress, from Ungaro, $3,000.

That’s nice!

[audience laughing]

Dig this, two matching black mini dresses form Valentino,

$2,700 a piece.

Okay, this table want a water, right?

No thanks, I’m drinking again.

Hey! Do you know what I just heard,

you and I got the same Zip Code now.

[audience laughing]

Isn’t that great?

Say, maybe we could come over to your house some time

for a barbecue, seeing we have the same Zip Code, now!

Hey! 90218 rules!

I can’t take it!

Let’s go!

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! Where do you think you’re going?

Back to Bever...

Rodeo Drive to buy some more black mini dresses.

That’s panic shopping, Kelly. I can’t let you do that.

Got to give me your keys.

[audience laughing]

You, too, Donna.

[audience laughing]

Okay!

Kelly, you’re gonna be L-1, Donna, you’re gonna be K-2.

Hold on to those.

I better hold on to yours, you’ve been drinking, man!

Why, Dylan?

Why?

[audience laughing]

Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on!

You’re hysterical, better give me your car keys.

[audience laughing]

Hey Guys!

You better get back to school, they just called another assembly.

Steve, Steve, you’re way to excited, buddy!

Give me your keys, I’ll drive.

Thank you, Superintendent.

Well, it seems your parents made a lot of phone calls

to some very important people in our government

and I am happy to announce

that 90210 Post Office has been reopened.

Yeah!

You got your Zip Codes back!

[cheering]

And that’s not all,

from now on, the 90120 will no longer include

the apartment complex on Pico, west of Doheny.

[cheering]

Thank you, mail carrier, McPherson.

Well, I think we could all learn something from this experience.

The rich and powerful will take only so much

before they get on the phone to their friends in the government,

and demand the kind of personal favors that can really make a difference.

I want you to think about that because someday,

you continue to practice safe sex, you, too,

will be rich and powerful.

[cheering]

Hi I’m Jason Priestley, to read more on Postal Zones and Zip Codes

check out the following book in your library:

The US Postal Service Zip Code Directory.

It’s a listing of Zip Codes for every Post Office in the Country

including Zip Code maps for all major cities.

Check it out, won’t you?

[audience cheering]

* We had some bad times, we thought our love was dead. *

* You try to break every bone in my head. *

* You lied to me, baby, you cheated on me *

* You kicked out the screen in my color TV *

* But our love was so strong, *

* it brought us back together again. *

[Announcer:] Is proud to present a special Valentine’s day offer,

La Tour and Johnson’s singing the sounds

of "Strong and Lasting Love".

* You threw a punch in me But baby I missed you *

* You threw your lunch at me Oh! But baby I missed you *

* Then I threw you out *

* And I kept missing you *

* And that’s when we knew *

* Our love was so strong, *

* We get back together again *

You’ll get "It Hurts So Good", "It’s Only Good When It Hurts",

"If It Don’t Hurt, It Ain’t No Good", and the classic,

"When Good Love Goes Bad"

* When good love goes bad and your dimple gets shorter *

* And you call up the judge for a restraining order *

* Then the grip on your face becomes a gentle one, *

* Ladies and gentlemen *

* it’s time we get together again. *

You’ll get: "Love Made Me Walk Home Tonight",

"Love Shot Up My Car Tonight", "Love Threw All My Stuff Out In The Street",

"Love Pushed Me Thru A Window",

"Love Stabbed Me Between The Ribs And Never Came To Visit Me In The Hospital",

plus this number one hit!

* Running in the rain *

* Yelling in the sun *

* Waiting up for you with a loaded gun *

* Baby, it’s crazy *

* Crazy love *

* And who could forget the powerful, *

* "When Love Drags You Down The Stairs" *

* And your heart’s going: thump, thump, thump *

* And your head’s going bump, bump, bump. *

* When love drags you down the stairs *

* Oh! Baby there’s gonna be a fire tonight *

* And it’ll be hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, *

* hot, hot, hot, hot! *

To order call 1-800-555-Love.

* Oh! Baby! You are charged with assault and battering *

* Then you bailed me out And I broke your jaw *

* Love is so strong, *

* It brings us back together again *

[audience cheering]

I guess my career was over before it even begun.

Ah, I like you, Jake.

Isn’t he terrific daddy?

- Thank you, sir. - You’re a fine young fellow.

Thank you, now, Rachel, if you’d excuse us.

There is something your father and I need to discuss.

Good luck!

Well, Jake, what’s on your mind?

Well, Mr. Luellen I’ll be blunt.

The fact is, your daughter and I are deeply in love

and I intend to marry her.

I’ve come to ask your blessing.

[audience laughing]

Jake, you’re a fine fellow as most things go but marriage is serious business.

Let’s face it, you and Rachel are from different social worlds.

You happen to have the money or the prospects to provide for her

in the manner she is accustomed to?

I’m sorry I can’t allow her, I have to say no.

Well, sorry it has come to this sir but...

Speaking man to man,

I love Rachel and I’m gonna marry her

whether you permit it or not.

[audience laughing]

Now, that’s what I wanted to hear, that took spine, my boy!

Backbone! I like it!

Well, son, you’ve pass my little test.

You have my blessings with all my heart.

Now, come here, Jake, sit on my lap.

[audience laughing]

Sir?

C’mon, you know, sit on my lap and give daddy a great big kiss!

[audience laughing]

Sir, I, you know I can’t do that,

I have to put Rachel first.

[audience laughing]

Good man! Good man!

I was testing you again, and again you’ve passed!

Steadfast! Faithful!

That was what I was watching for, good!

[audience laughing]

Now, come, sit on my lap.

[audience laughing]

Sir?

Oh! Come on, Jake don’t be ridiculous!

You have already passed two tests and now testing time is done.

You’ve made it, you’re in!

You are marrying my daughter.

Surely that strapping young conqueror can spare feeble old man one ditsy little kiss!

[audience laughing]

Now, sir, I, I, No!

Jake, I’m asking you, don’t make me beg, please!

Ah, well, alright, just one!

[audience laughing]

Jake, you’ve passed yet another test with flying colors.

I admire a man with inner strength to resist my sexual advances

but with the kindness to take pity on an old man.

Thank you sir.

You know, these chairs we’re sitting in are real leather.

Feels so good to rub your hand against them.

[audience laughing]

This is another, sort of, some test, isn’t it sir?

Not at all, try it! It’s fun!

Really sir, I’d rather not.

Well, if you don’t want to, it’s your loss, I suppose,

but it wasn’t a test.

- It wasn’t? - No, why?

Does everything have to be a test? Come on!

No, I guess not, I just thought it might be a test to see if I

had a thing about leathers or something.

No, no, no, I guess that it’s good that you don’t.

Maybe it should have been a test, huh?

well, if it had been, you would have passed. Congratulations!

- Thank you sir. - Not at all.

Now, heads or tails? Call it in the air.

Heads.

Ooh! Bad news! Sorry, Jake.

But good in a way I guess, huh!

What is it?

Ah, I’ll tell you another time.

Anyway, congratulations!

Now, there’s an old family heirloom I want you to have.

Once belonged to my father-in-law,

and I want you to try it on.

[audience laughing]

Well, this is a test.

Sir, I don’t really think I should.

Of course not, how could you, I’m not wearing my cowboy hat!

But there’ll be a plenty of time for these things in the future,

after all, you are part of the family now.

Daddy, how did it go?

Rachel, you’ve picked a fine young man.

You have my blessing.

Oh, Jake.

You know, I feel, as though I’m losing a daughter

but I’m gaining a fine young thorough-bred steed.

[audience laughing]

- A son, daddy! A son! - Yes, of course, whatever.

Well, this calls for a celebration!

Champagne, shall we?

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] I wish I had a Kryptonite cross,

because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.

[audience applauding]

Okay! Nobody moves! Nobody gets hurt!

Come on! Keep your hands up! Bobby, get the money!

Okay, Nikki, alright, now folks, you stay calm

and everything will be okay.

We don’t wanna hurt anybody but as you know these are

hard and trying economic times we’re living in.

As the saying goes: "when the going gets tough,

the tough robs bank".

Hey! If you are robbing a bank, rob a bank,

but we don’t have to hear your sorry ass jokes, too.

Shut up!

Hey! Why I got to shut up, I got my hands in the air,

we don’t want to say something that knocks the gun out of your hands.

Come on, my brother said shut up! So just shut up. Okay!

Ain’t that a bitch!

You’re gonna come up here and rob a bank plus tell us what we can and cannot talk.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Brother, the root to all the the world’s problems boils down to one thing:

white men and their gun!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Okay! That’s it! Nobody says anything else. Bobby, come on!

Yeah, come on, lady, give me your cash!

Won’t you come back in and get it yourself!

That’s right sister!

You’re not his slave, make him respect you.

Lady, I’m not kidding around.

Me, neither! But if I give you this money, next thing I know,

I’mma be arrested for abiding a robbery.

No! You all be long gone.

- Yes! - Yeah!

That’s right! That’s why they probably picked this bank.

They know, they’re just gonna be saying: "all of those people

are robbing themselves again", you know,

they’re probably gonna arrest all of us!

Alright! That’s it! That’s it!

I mean it this time, everybody shut up!

And get on the floor! Bobby, let’s go! Come on!

On the floor, now!

I know one thing, I’m not getting on the floor with my good suit.

Go get on the floor right now or I’m gonna blow...

White men with their guns, there it is! Right there!

- Come on! - Really!

It’s not like that! This is not a racial thing.

You guys just got the easiest bank to rob.

- You guys? Who’s "you guys"? - Black people!

No! No! No! Not black people!

You guys, this bank, you got the worst security system in town.

How did you know that? Huh?

How do you automatically assume that we got the worst bank as the black bank, huh!

Hey! I’m not assuming nothing!

Well, then, how did you know?

Coz your father probably had it sold to you?

Yeah! Right!

Your father, your father probably saying "Oh, Oh,

it’s about the black bank, just give him a special system we got in the bank."

You guys, really, we cased your bank out for about a week.

What do you think you’re doing?

Hey, I just want them to think we’re begets.

- Who cares what they think? - I do, alright!

And I don’t want these people to think you and I are like some of the jerks we grew up with.

Where are you boys from?

Bay Ridge.

Have you lost your mind?

You don’t tell them where we’re from.

Come on! Forget it! Let’s go!

Now, if this was a white bank, they would have held us hostage.

Everybody okay?

Look who’s here!

Hey! That’s not fair! We got here as soon as we could.

Yeah! Sure you did!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination,

should automatically disqualify you.

[audience cheering]

Okay!

Thank you very much to everybody here!

It has been, well, the best weeks of my life.

Thank you to TH Fanclub!

- Chris’s birthday today. - No, come on.

That’s it! Thank you very much everybody and uh, good night!

[audience cheering]

[music]