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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:16,850 Hello, I’m Vern Landquist. 2 00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,019 We’re about to witness one of those dramatic moments that 3 00:00:19,052 --> 00:00:22,055 makes the Winter Olympics the electrifying spectacle we here at CBS 4 00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:24,691 are so much associated with. 5 00:00:24,724 --> 00:00:28,428 Ryan Deming, a young man from Rockford, Illinois, 6 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,563 a real Cinderella story. 7 00:00:30,597 --> 00:00:33,667 A man who is not expected to win a medal here in Albertville, 8 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,902 can with an impressive performance tonight, 9 00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:40,607 vault himself into contention for the gold medal in Men’s Figure Skating? 10 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,477 Our own Scott Hamilton is with us. 11 00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:46,513 [audience laughing] 12 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:49,282 Scott, what does Brian need tonight? 13 00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:54,454 Vern, Bryan needs a 5.6, that’s a 5.6 that pass Alexander Hewing 14 00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:57,223 for a silver medal, 5.8 for a gold. 15 00:00:57,257 --> 00:01:00,493 He can’t afford a big mistake but I watch Bryan in practice 16 00:01:00,527 --> 00:01:02,262 today and he was exquisite. 17 00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:04,130 All he has to do is skate the program, 18 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:07,734 he skated this afternoon, Bryan will have his medal. 19 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:10,470 [Vern:] Thank you, Scott. 20 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:16,076 Here’s Bryan now, he is taking his position on the ice. 21 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,213 And now we see Bryan’s mother, the woman whose story 22 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,083 of sacrifice we’re now all familiar with. 23 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:27,153 Driving Bryan 120 mile everyday back and forth to Chicago, 24 00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:30,857 seven days a week, 52 weeks a year for 16 years 25 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:33,960 so that he could train with Marty Scheinholds. 26 00:01:33,993 --> 00:01:35,395 Quite a story. 27 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:39,599 We have reached the moment of truth, let’s watch! 28 00:01:39,632 --> 00:01:41,668 [Scott:] What a bold choice of music! 29 00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:45,138 Now this first move coming up is a triple twist lots, 30 00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:46,539 it’s very crucial to it! 31 00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:47,941 - Ooh! - Ooh! 32 00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:50,010 That’s too bad, that will cost him the gold 33 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,578 Oh! That’s a shame, Scott! 34 00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,947 [Scott:] Yes, it’s very, very disappointing 35 00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:55,281 but he’s not letting up! 36 00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:56,716 He still looks like he can really... 37 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,917 - Oooh! - Oooh! 38 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,352 That will cost him even the bronze. 39 00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:00,920 [Vern:] Really! Just for that fall. 40 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,789 [Scott:] Yes it was just so totally out of control! 41 00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,924 [Vern:] But he has gotten up and he’s continuing on. 42 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,693 [Scott:] Yes, you really have to admire 43 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:08,294 the way this young man has hung in there... 44 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:09,562 - Ooh! - Ooh! 45 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:10,797 [Vern:] What was he trying there? 46 00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:12,365 [Scott:] That was a Double Axel, Vern, 47 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:15,635 but he must have cut an edge because he just wiped out. 48 00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,504 [Vern:] But he’s up again, what courage! 49 00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:19,339 It looks like he’s perhaps injured himself. 50 00:02:19,372 --> 00:02:21,274 [Scott:] Yes, he seems to be favoring his... 51 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:22,409 - Ooh! - Ooh! 52 00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:23,576 [Scott:] Well, that was awful! 53 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,578 - He should quit now. - Yes, he... 54 00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,681 [Scott:] Totally out of his routine. I’d say he’s completely... 55 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,716 - Ooh! - Ooh! 56 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,084 Could this cause permanent... 57 00:02:31,084 --> 00:02:32,652 - Ooh! - Ooh! Permanent... 58 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,487 - Ooh! - Ooh! Damage? 59 00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:35,655 Yes, he really should... 60 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,290 - Ooh! - Ooh! 61 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,725 Someone has to really stop this. 62 00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:40,126 But Olympic rules. Prohibit... 63 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,262 - Ooh! - Ooh! 64 00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,664 Anyway, uhm, we’re actually... 65 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,600 - Ooh! - Ooh! 66 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:51,404 [Scott:] You know I think the important thing about the Olympics 67 00:02:51,438 --> 00:02:56,776 is to come here and compete and give it your best 68 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:59,312 and I can say as a former Olympian, 69 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,047 the greatest thrill is just having been there 70 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,550 and that’s something that Bryan will have for the rest of his life. 71 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,051 [Vern:] Who is skating next, Scott? 72 00:03:05,051 --> 00:03:07,253 [Scott:] Randy Bauer of Germany, Vern. 73 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,056 He’s a very graceful and technically superior skater 74 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:13,226 but he doesn’t have the flamboyance of a Franz Pimik. 75 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,061 Franz, of course, the civil engineer from Zurich, 76 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,930 whose wife is expecting a baby any minute. 77 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,065 Yes, quite a human drama there. 78 00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:22,836 And of course, will be going to highlights of the Women’s Alpine Skiing later in the broadcast 79 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:26,439 and that exciting run by Oligarha this afternoon in the Giant Slalom. 80 00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:30,076 But back to Bryan Deming, who appears to be wrapping up 81 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:33,980 his heroic performance here in Albertville, yes! 82 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:38,818 [audience cheering] 83 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:46,493 We are waiting for Bryan’s scores, 84 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,429 let’s go down to Tracy Wilson who is with Bryan. 85 00:03:50,797 --> 00:03:53,700 Bryan that was a bold choice of music. 86 00:03:57,203 --> 00:03:59,272 Here are the scores... 87 00:03:59,305 --> 00:04:04,711 0.1, 0.1, 0.1, 0.0, 88 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,946 that’s the Russian judge. 89 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:11,117 Oh! There’s a 0.2, and another 0.0, 90 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,720 and another 0.0. 91 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,955 Bryan are you disappointed? 92 00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:22,696 Bryan is there anything that you can say? 93 00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:24,064 Live from New York... 94 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,132 It’s Saturday Night! 95 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:33,940 [Cheers and music] 96 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,987 [Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live! 97 00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:54,928 with Dana Carvey, 98 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,430 Chris Farley, 99 00:04:57,464 --> 00:05:00,533 Phil Hartman, 100 00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:03,403 Victoria Jackson, 101 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:06,039 Mike Myers, 102 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:09,209 Kevin Nealon, 103 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,112 Chris Rock, 104 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,813 Julia Sweeney, 105 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,351 with Ellen Cleghorne, 106 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:21,521 Siobhan Fallon, 107 00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:25,058 Tim Meadows, 108 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:28,728 Adam Sandler, 109 00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:32,098 Rob Schneider, 110 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,067 David Spade, 111 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:37,270 and featuring Beth Cayhall, 112 00:05:37,303 --> 00:05:39,272 Melanie Hutsell, 113 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:44,310 G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band. 114 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:48,114 Musical guest, Teenage Fanclub, 115 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:53,253 and starring Jason Priestley. 116 00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:07,267 Ladies and Gentlemen, Jason Priestley! 117 00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:25,685 [audience cheering] 118 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:28,655 Thank you very much, thank you! 119 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,497 Thank you. 120 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,632 Okay, enough already. 121 00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:42,569 Okay, It’s great to be here in Saturday Night Live! 122 00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:45,071 Had a great time here in New York this week, 123 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:49,275 it’s been an interesting change from my work on Beverly Hills 90210. 124 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,077 I don’t know if I want to do it every week, though. 125 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:56,383 I’m just not so used to a town that’s so uh, 10112, I mean, 126 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,385 I don’t know it’s just me. 127 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,321 Anyway there’s a special group here I’d like to mention tonight, 128 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,090 winners of a contest you might have heard about on MTV. 129 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,627 The Beverly Hills to Big Apple Valentine’s Day Weekend 130 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:09,696 with yours truly, Jason Priestley. 131 00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:11,464 Let’s give them a big welcome! 132 00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:17,103 [audience cheering] 133 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,773 Now, they have just arrived and they are going to see the show tonight. 134 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,542 Tomorrow, we are all gonna go see where the Regis Falls is, 135 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:25,812 followed by Dinner at Mama Leone’s, then Monday, 136 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,048 we’re gonna go back to L.A., they’ll be guest on the set of 137 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,582 Beverly Hills 90210. 138 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,651 How are you guys doing tonight? 139 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:32,752 [audience cheering] 140 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,521 Thank you! 141 00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:37,323 Your flight was okay, everything’s alright? 142 00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:41,227 Okay now if you need anything, if you have any questions, just let me know, okay? Yeah. 143 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:43,797 Hi! Jason, is Luke Perry here tonight? 144 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,732 [audience laughing] 145 00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,334 Uh, no, I don’t think so. 146 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,302 Uhm, do you know if he’s in town? 147 00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:51,071 No, I don’t know what Luke’s doing. 148 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,972 Okay, thank you. 149 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,107 You? 150 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:57,077 What is it like working with Luke? 151 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,679 [audience laughing] 152 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,047 I-- I like working with Luke. 153 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,449 He’s really a great guy. 154 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,084 So, he’s like really approachable, 155 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,486 you can just go right up to him? 156 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,221 Yeah, he’s very approachable. 157 00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,756 Yeah? 158 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:12,592 Isn’t it really weird just to walk down the street with Luke? 159 00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:16,796 Is everybody mobbing him all the time? 160 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,432 It must be scary. No, that doesn’t scare me at all. 161 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,600 Yeah? 162 00:08:20,633 --> 00:08:23,069 This question is about Shannen Doherty. 163 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,471 Yeah, sure. 164 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:27,941 Will she be sleeping with Luke Perry again this season? 165 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,242 [audience laughing] 166 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,710 I don’t really know that. 167 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:33,947 I was just so jealous. I just hate her. 168 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,916 [audience laughing] 169 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,886 I’m not a contest winner but uh, I have a question. 170 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:43,390 Are you related to Elvis Presley? 171 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:46,926 [audience laughing] 172 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:49,729 No. 173 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,331 Thank you very much. 174 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,266 Yeah. You? 175 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:55,902 You have Luke Perry’s address? 176 00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,604 No, I don’t, sorry. 177 00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,006 Well, if I give you a letter, could you take it to him? 178 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,808 Just send it to the show. 179 00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:03,009 Yeah? 180 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,778 This is not a question about Luke Perry... 181 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,446 Okay! Great! 182 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:10,083 You know that really hot guy that plays Dylan McKay on your show? 183 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,018 That is Luke Perry? 184 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,920 That’s Luke Perry? 185 00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,789 He is hot! 186 00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:19,259 Yes! He is... He’s very hot. 187 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,094 Okay I have time for one more question... 188 00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:24,297 as long as it’s not about Luke Perry. 189 00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:26,833 [audience laughing] 190 00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:30,303 Alright, then, well, we’ve got a great show tonight, of course, 191 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:31,871 Teenage Fan Club is here... 192 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,707 and we’ll be right back. 193 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:37,043 [audience cheering] 194 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:41,715 If you’re concerned about auto safety, 195 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,051 you probably know about this: the air bag! 196 00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:48,054 Experts agree it’s your best chance of surviving a collision. 197 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,857 But there’s one drawback to the conventional airbag, 198 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:56,830 it may save your life but what do you eat while waiting for help to arrive. 199 00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:59,566 We, at Jiffy Pop think we have the answer... 200 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:04,437 the Jiffy Pop Air bag. 201 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,206 It’s quick and easy. 202 00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:09,476 Upon impact, the Jiffy Pop kernels in the steering column 203 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,045 are instantly fed to the engine block, 204 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,681 where they’re heated with oil from the crank case. 205 00:10:14,714 --> 00:10:17,517 As the corn is popped, the bag expands, 206 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,920 protecting the driver from injury and best of all, 207 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,224 providing a delicious low-calorie treat. 208 00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:26,926 [audience laughing] 209 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,563 It’s as fun to eat as it is to make. 210 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,867 [sound of siren] 211 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,669 Are you okay? 212 00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:40,140 Uhm, how’s the other driver? 213 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,441 Not too good. 214 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,676 How’s the Jiffy Pop? 215 00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,144 Great! 216 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,946 The Jiffy Pop Air Bag-because we don’t want you to walk away 217 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:51,184 from your next accident on an empty stomach. 218 00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:54,521 [Narrator:] The Jiffy Pop Air Bag-Now in Cheddar Cheese! 219 00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,990 [audience cheering] 220 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:11,304 Hi guys! 221 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,374 Hey, Gildo! 222 00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,077 That’s Hildo, with an "H" 223 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,746 Yeah! Whatever Dildo! 224 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,593 Hi Kristen! 225 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,995 Will you go to homecoming Dance with me? 226 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,398 Oh, oh, I already have a date Dildo. 227 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,567 Ok I understand. 228 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,438 By the way that’s Hildo, H-I-L-D-O, Hildo. 229 00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:49,209 Oh, okay, well, thanks anyway, Dildo! 230 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,890 Mr. Wilson, can I, uh, can I talk to you, 231 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,493 I was wondering if I can talk to you about the Sociology exams. 232 00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:09,329 Well, it’s gonna be a tough one, Dildo. 233 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:13,433 Yeah, listen, that’s Hildo, with a "ha", not a "da", okay? 234 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:17,637 Sounds good, Dildo, but you have to excuse me, I’ve got a class. 235 00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:20,540 Hey, Dildo! 236 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,875 What’s up, Dildo! 237 00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:23,176 How you doin’, Dildo? 238 00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:25,078 Dildo! 239 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:28,181 [audience cheering] 240 00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,083 My name is Hildo, alright! 241 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,452 Hildo! Damn it! Hildo! 242 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,502 Well, here’s your new home, Dildo! 243 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,204 Hope you like it! 244 00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:53,740 Hey! Here’s your new roommate. 245 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,811 What are you in for, Hildo? 246 00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,879 Did you just call me Hildo? 247 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,748 Yeah, it’s your name, isn’t it? 248 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,049 Yeah, but my whole life... 249 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:05,318 Well, allow me to introduce myself, I’m Larry. 250 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,187 Larry Bagina 251 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,489 [audience laughing] 252 00:13:15,729 --> 00:13:19,299 [audience cheering] 253 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,269 [Announcer:] Sprockets. Sprockets. 254 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,172 West German television presents Sprockets. 255 00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:29,175 Meet your host, Dieter. 256 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,346 Welcome to Sprockets, I’m your host, Dieter. 257 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:34,581 Yesterday-- 258 00:13:34,614 --> 00:13:38,218 [audience cheering] 259 00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:44,457 You will be quiet now! 260 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,192 Thank you very much! 261 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,195 Yesterday was Valentine’s day and I loved it! 262 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:53,400 I gave my lover a piece of Rose Quartz in a heart-shaped box, 263 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:57,771 and my lover gave me some chocolate coins and a tongue bath. 264 00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,205 [audience laughing] 265 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:03,143 I was as happy as a little girl. 266 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,845 And so, in keeping the Valentine’s day, 267 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:09,149 I would like to introduce a new feature to Sprockets, 268 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,218 it is a game in which young lovers are brought together, 269 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:15,922 it is called "Love Werks" 270 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:19,893 [music] 271 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:28,702 Love Werks. 272 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:32,772 Provided in exchange for promotional consideration by Delta. 273 00:14:32,806 --> 00:14:36,076 Delta, we love to fly and it shows. 274 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,117 Welcome to "Love Werks". Let’s meet our bachelor, 275 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,852 he’s a printer from Dresden. 276 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:50,623 His hobbies include appraising antiques and then smashing them, 277 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,626 his favorite Soccer team is the Borussia Monchengladbach, 278 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:57,664 his body is free from tattoos and he hates his father. 279 00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:00,333 Please welcome Wolfie Schreiber. 280 00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:11,678 Welcome to "Love Werks", are you excited to meet your lover? 281 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,614 Yes, I’ve not had a lover in some time, 282 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,649 I’ve just got to know over the case of Jaundice 283 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:20,053 and I have a lot of things to sort out about my father. 284 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,822 I just want of say a quick hello to my friend, Helmut if I could. 285 00:15:22,856 --> 00:15:24,791 Hello, Helmut! 286 00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:29,062 [audience laughing] 287 00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:32,532 Then, let us meet your bachelorettes! 288 00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:40,273 Bachelorette number one, tell us about yourself. 289 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:45,378 My name is Eltza and my work is nurse in Hamburg Krankenhaus 290 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:48,348 but I want to be an actress. 291 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,482 Uhm, fascinating! 292 00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:52,185 Bachelorette number two, tell us about yourself. 293 00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:55,188 Well, by night, I’m a dominatrix, 294 00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:59,225 and by day I work at the Lego factory outside of Baden-Baden. 295 00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,394 [audience laughing] 296 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:05,098 I adore Lego. It is like a thousand toys "in van". 297 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,167 [audience laughing] 298 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,603 Bachelorette number three, tell us about yourself. 299 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,273 My name is Susan, 300 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:17,477 and I’ve just gotten out of prison. 301 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:23,083 Curious, you know, some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen have been men. 302 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,052 Bachelorette number four... 303 00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:28,121 My name is Mrs. Schreiber, 304 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,390 und I am Wolfie’s mother. 305 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,925 Mother! 306 00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,195 Alright! 307 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:37,697 Let’s play "Love Werks". 308 00:16:37,731 --> 00:16:41,434 Wolfie, you may ask the bachelorettes questions. 309 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,236 Alright, bachelorette number one, 310 00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:45,572 what is your idea of a perfect date? 311 00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:50,143 Well, a perfect date would start with a nice meal, 312 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,313 we would go to the Opera and then go back to my flat 313 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,082 for a coffee and chocolate fingers. 314 00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,885 That sounds great! Bachelorette number two? 315 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:04,024 A perfect date for me would be impossible under existing German laws. 316 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,325 [audience laughing] 317 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,862 But a good date would involve a lot of humiliation, 318 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:12,766 a sound spanking, and of course coffee and chocolate fingers. 319 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,167 [audience laughing] 320 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,736 Bachelorette number three? 321 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:20,073 First of all, I would push you to the ground, 322 00:17:20,106 --> 00:17:24,044 pee on you chanting "House on fire! House on fire! 323 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,846 Put it out! Put it out!" 324 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,885 Then I will force you to drink Antifreeze until you pass out, 325 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,554 then you would wake up in excruciating pain 326 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,691 with a size seven poop shoot! 327 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,126 [audience laughing] 328 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,363 Delicious! Shake and bake! 329 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,666 And we have... one last question! 330 00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:50,970 Bachelorette number one, if you’re an element on the periodic table of elements, 331 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,605 what element would you be? 332 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,207 I would be Carbon. 333 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,742 - Number two? - Zinc. 334 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,477 - Number three? - Helium 335 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,846 - Number four? - Berkelium. 336 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,047 Very good! 337 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:03,049 Before you make a decision, let me tell you 338 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:08,021 what you and your bachelorette will do. 339 00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:13,727 Your adventure begins when a Spielkunst Tour Bus arrives at your house, 340 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:18,231 from there you’re magically whisked away to the restaurant, Potato in Chainman. 341 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,568 After the meal, 342 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,838 you will be given a mineral salt rub and a cup of Olive Oil 343 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:28,541 courtesy of The House of Knives. 344 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:31,678 And then you’ll be taken to Hawaii! 345 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,915 So Wolfie, who will it be? 346 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:39,519 Eltza, the nurse from the Hamburg Krankenhaus, 347 00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,689 the Lego Dominatrix, Susan, 348 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,625 the She-male, or your mother? 349 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,260 Mother! 350 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,432 They all sounded delicious but I will go with number three! 351 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,401 Why did you decide to go with Susan? 352 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:59,506 Well, I abhor chocolate fingers and she-he reminds me of my father. 353 00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:00,774 Uhm, curious. 354 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,142 Come, let’s meet your lover! 355 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:07,714 Oh my god! She-he’s repellant! 356 00:19:09,783 --> 00:19:12,152 Now’s the time on Sprockets when we dance! 357 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,459 That’s all the time we have for this week, my guest has been Wolfie. 358 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,727 My name is Dieter. 359 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,262 Auf Wiedersehen! 360 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:27,701 [audience cheering] 361 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:48,555 Alright! Alright! We’re back. 362 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,790 Now, once again I wanna thank Mr. Carl Reiner, 363 00:19:50,824 --> 00:19:53,093 he is still "The Man". 364 00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:56,262 [audience cheering] 365 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:59,699 Alright, Alright, now they are coming up. 366 00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:01,634 Ladies, are you ready? 367 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:05,505 These five men had been under microscope for the reasons they find unjust. 368 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:08,341 They have been subject to accusations and they are here 369 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:12,879 to respond the best way they know how. 370 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,815 [audience laughing] 371 00:20:15,849 --> 00:20:20,787 I want you to chew it up for the "New Kids on the Block". 372 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:25,458 [audience cheering] 373 00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:32,432 Yes, on the... 374 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:35,602 Yes, block... 375 00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:39,673 Now just in case, if anyone’s been living in a cave, 376 00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:42,208 why don’t you tell each one of us your names? 377 00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:43,777 Hey! I’m Little Joe. 378 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:46,212 [audience cheering] 379 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,614 Yeah! I’m Jordan. 380 00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:49,215 [audience cheering] 381 00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:51,017 My name’s Jonathan. 382 00:20:51,051 --> 00:20:52,819 [audience cheering] 383 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,854 Yeah! I’m Danny. 384 00:20:56,890 --> 00:20:59,192 Yo! What up? I’m Donnie. 385 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,294 [audience cheering] 386 00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:03,063 Yes, Yes, Yes. 387 00:21:03,063 --> 00:21:05,932 Alright, now these people know why you’re here. 388 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,068 So I’m gonna let you all do the talking. 389 00:21:08,068 --> 00:21:10,637 Yo! I seen it all. You know, "the New Kids..." 390 00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,739 want to set a few things straight, 391 00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:15,608 You know people been saying like, you know, 392 00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:18,478 accusing us to lip synch in our songs in concert and saying 393 00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,080 we don’t sing in our albums. 394 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,083 You know, and that crap is wack, damn. 395 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,918 [audience laughing] 396 00:21:24,951 --> 00:21:29,422 I mean, you know in the past, we had some vocal tracks backin’ us at our concerts, 397 00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,524 ’coz we were dancing! 398 00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,728 And it’s wicked hard to dance and sing at the same time. 399 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:37,163 Oh yeah! And on our first album, we had this one guy 400 00:21:37,197 --> 00:21:38,765 singing all the songs for us. 401 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:40,800 But yo! you know, that was a wicked long time ago. 402 00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:46,506 So check it! "New Kids" are here to say quit dissing us so hard, 403 00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:48,108 we kick out our own stuff. 404 00:21:48,108 --> 00:21:49,976 Now, I mean, c’mon! damn! 405 00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:54,748 We not only sing songs now, you know, we write the songs. 406 00:21:54,781 --> 00:21:56,983 Yeah! That’s something, man! 407 00:21:57,017 --> 00:21:59,219 Yeah! You know, we do it on our own now, 408 00:21:59,252 --> 00:22:01,421 we even make our own costumes, you know. 409 00:22:01,454 --> 00:22:04,357 Yeah! And that’s not an easy thing to do! 410 00:22:04,391 --> 00:22:09,929 Check it out, Danny’s wearing our new costume that we’re gonna wear this tour. 411 00:22:09,963 --> 00:22:13,700 [audience cheering] 412 00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:17,203 Alright! Alright! 413 00:22:18,738 --> 00:22:22,509 Now, what about the rumors? 414 00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:24,844 How should I say this? 415 00:22:24,878 --> 00:22:27,881 People have said there’s some elderly woman 416 00:22:27,914 --> 00:22:30,150 that puts this costumes on you. 417 00:22:30,183 --> 00:22:32,686 Yo! You know that’s a total lie! 418 00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:36,089 We put our own costumes on all by ourselves now. 419 00:22:36,089 --> 00:22:37,691 [audience cheering] 420 00:22:37,724 --> 00:22:39,659 Wait, as you know, there’s more. 421 00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:43,897 we also make our own plane reservations and hotel accommodations. 422 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:45,765 [audience cheering] 423 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:48,735 And we also designed the new house we’re gonna live in. 424 00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:51,871 We’ll show it to you right here. 425 00:22:51,905 --> 00:22:53,340 Check it out! 426 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:54,574 You know what I’m saying? 427 00:22:56,476 --> 00:22:59,546 [audience cheering] 428 00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:06,820 Of course, we’re primarily singers. 429 00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:11,091 Now, understand, we’re gonna get some of that "new Kids..." harmony. 430 00:23:11,124 --> 00:23:13,326 Check this out! 431 00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:16,896 * New * 432 00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:19,399 * New Kids * 433 00:23:19,432 --> 00:23:21,334 * On * 434 00:23:21,368 --> 00:23:22,936 * The * 435 00:23:22,969 --> 00:23:25,538 * Block * 436 00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:28,675 [audience cheering] 437 00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:30,810 That’s them! That’s them! Alright here! 438 00:23:30,844 --> 00:23:32,212 And I can hear them all singing. 439 00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:33,980 Now, don’t leave us hanging just that. 440 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,216 I hear that. Now, guys, lets kick it! 441 00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:37,817 [music] 442 00:23:37,851 --> 00:23:40,587 Yo! Before we start singing, you also ought to know 443 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:44,958 that were write our own songs we also do our own choreography! 444 00:23:49,496 --> 00:23:54,501 * Girl, I can’t stop thinking of you, girl * 445 00:23:56,169 --> 00:23:59,105 * Y-o-u spells Girl * 446 00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:07,113 * Woke up this morning, put on my own clothes * 447 00:24:07,147 --> 00:24:11,551 * ’Coz the lady’s not here to help us no more * 448 00:24:11,584 --> 00:24:16,222 * Went down to the store I got myself some juice * 449 00:24:16,256 --> 00:24:20,827 * It tasted good and fresh and I love you * 450 00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:25,331 * Girl, you are wicked awesome * 451 00:24:25,365 --> 00:24:29,602 * Whenever I bought my own shirt * 452 00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:31,304 * I think of you girl * 453 00:24:31,338 --> 00:24:33,506 * Whenever I make my own plane reservation * 454 00:24:33,540 --> 00:24:36,309 * I think of you girl * 455 00:24:36,343 --> 00:24:41,181 * ’Coz girl, you are wicked awesome * 456 00:24:43,350 --> 00:24:45,418 * My name is Donnie and I’m here to say * 457 00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:47,620 * that call me Donnie ’coz that’s my name * 458 00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:50,090 * Bananas are good in every way * 459 00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:52,359 * An apple a day keeps the doctor away. * 460 00:24:52,392 --> 00:24:54,561 * Purina cat chow, Chow! Chow! Chow! * 461 00:24:54,594 --> 00:24:56,830 * My friends can only see me now * 462 00:24:56,863 --> 00:25:00,333 * I’m walking, I’m talking, Macaulay Culkin * 463 00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:03,269 * Word says that! * 464 00:25:11,411 --> 00:25:13,847 [audience laughing] 465 00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:19,919 [audience cheering] 466 00:25:19,953 --> 00:25:24,724 * You are wicked awesome! * 467 00:25:24,758 --> 00:25:26,493 [audience cheering] 468 00:25:26,526 --> 00:25:29,662 "New Kids on the Block" 469 00:25:29,696 --> 00:25:33,733 [audience cheering] 470 00:25:41,374 --> 00:25:46,713 [Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 471 00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:53,787 [Male voice:] Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, 472 00:25:53,820 --> 00:25:56,823 I do a little trick to calm myself down. 473 00:25:56,856 --> 00:26:00,727 I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. 474 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:04,197 When the person comes to the door, I’m gone. 475 00:26:04,230 --> 00:26:07,033 But you know what I’ve left on the porch? 476 00:26:07,033 --> 00:26:10,837 A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head 477 00:26:10,870 --> 00:26:13,840 with a note that says "You." 478 00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:18,645 After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. 479 00:26:18,678 --> 00:26:22,048 [audience cheering] 480 00:26:24,351 --> 00:26:27,520 [Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon 481 00:26:31,057 --> 00:26:35,128 [audience cheering] 482 00:26:44,270 --> 00:26:48,074 Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I get that a lot. 483 00:26:48,108 --> 00:26:50,844 Last week, President Bush was criticized for being 484 00:26:50,877 --> 00:26:53,179 out of touch with the American public when he showed amazement 485 00:26:53,213 --> 00:26:56,249 at seeing a Supermarket Price Scanner in action. 486 00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:59,119 He was further embarrassed when Dan Quayle became mesmerized 487 00:26:59,152 --> 00:27:03,390 by the 25 cent rocket to the moon ride next to the store’s entrance. 488 00:27:03,423 --> 00:27:05,925 And now, our top story, George Bush, 489 00:27:06,026 --> 00:27:09,629 officially announced his candidacy for President this week, and yesterday, 490 00:27:09,662 --> 00:27:12,032 he braved cold temperatures up in New Hampshire 491 00:27:12,032 --> 00:27:13,767 for a final campaign pitch. 492 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,470 It was reported to have been 21 degrees for the President’s visit 493 00:27:17,504 --> 00:27:20,240 and minus 10 degrees for the cold shoulder factor. 494 00:27:20,273 --> 00:27:21,808 [audience laughing] 495 00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:24,411 So far, Bill Clinton got in trouble for making phone calls 496 00:27:24,444 --> 00:27:26,646 then this week, for writing someone a letter but he promises, 497 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,950 if elected, he’ll stop communicating altogether just like a good president should. 498 00:27:31,051 --> 00:27:32,786 [audience laughing] 499 00:27:32,819 --> 00:27:36,156 Clinton admitted that not only was he against the Vietnam War in the States. 500 00:27:36,189 --> 00:27:40,126 He did in fact also use the word groovy several times. 501 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:41,695 [audience laughing] 502 00:27:41,728 --> 00:27:45,832 And Paul Tsongas began campaigning in Los Angeles this week. 503 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:49,369 [audience laughing] 504 00:27:49,402 --> 00:27:52,972 Presidential hopeful Bob Kerrey tried to impress New Hampshire voters 505 00:27:53,073 --> 00:27:55,709 by inhaling cigarette smoke through a woman’s ear. 506 00:27:55,742 --> 00:27:58,345 [audience laughing] 507 00:27:58,378 --> 00:27:59,813 Not a bad trick! 508 00:27:59,846 --> 00:28:03,717 New York governor Mario Cuomo officially declared himself 509 00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:07,354 a pretend candidate for the 1992 Presidential Elections. 510 00:28:07,387 --> 00:28:11,691 Said Cuomo, "I just want to see" His announcement was brushed aside 511 00:28:11,725 --> 00:28:14,427 by other Democratic Contenders with the exception of Jerry Brown 512 00:28:14,461 --> 00:28:17,764 who claimed that pretending to be a candidate was his idea first. 513 00:28:17,797 --> 00:28:20,467 [audience laughing] 514 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:23,670 Well, officials of this year’s Winter Olympics announced this week 515 00:28:23,703 --> 00:28:26,639 that the Biathlon and the Lose-Serve-No-real Purpose 516 00:28:26,673 --> 00:28:29,809 and are just a couple of stupid things you could do in snow. 517 00:28:29,843 --> 00:28:31,244 [audience laughing] 518 00:28:31,277 --> 00:28:33,813 And next, heavyweight champ Mike Tyson was found guilty 519 00:28:33,847 --> 00:28:38,084 on charges of rape this week and now faces up to 60 years in an Indiana State Prison. 520 00:28:38,118 --> 00:28:42,255 Tyson won’t be sentenced until March 6 although several of the inmates 521 00:28:42,288 --> 00:28:45,925 have already sent him Valentine’s Day cards. 522 00:28:45,959 --> 00:28:50,063 [audience cheering] 523 00:28:52,465 --> 00:28:56,603 Mike Tyson’s $7 million dollar a year salary will be down to $1 a day in prison 524 00:28:56,636 --> 00:28:59,739 or about 6o cents after Don King gets his cut. 525 00:28:59,773 --> 00:29:00,807 [audience laughing] 526 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,076 Back to you, Kevin. 527 00:29:03,109 --> 00:29:05,578 Thank you, Kevin. 528 00:29:05,612 --> 00:29:08,715 You know sometimes life can really bring you down, 529 00:29:08,748 --> 00:29:14,354 things don’t go your way and everything seems like 530 00:29:14,387 --> 00:29:15,655 it’s about to cave in on you. 531 00:29:15,689 --> 00:29:17,924 And responding to widespread criticism, 532 00:29:18,024 --> 00:29:21,628 rape victim, Desiree Washington announced today that she has changed her mind 533 00:29:21,661 --> 00:29:25,331 and has decided to withhold her identity after all. 534 00:29:25,365 --> 00:29:28,201 [audience laughing] 535 00:29:28,234 --> 00:29:31,805 Last week, an elephant was shot after storming out of a circus tent in Florida. 536 00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:34,774 Here with the commentary as Animal Rights Activist, David Spade. David. 537 00:29:34,808 --> 00:29:36,676 [audience cheering] 538 00:29:36,710 --> 00:29:40,447 Thank you, Kevin. 539 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:43,149 Animal abuse is on all-time high this year, 540 00:29:43,183 --> 00:29:44,851 now, is this necessary? 541 00:29:44,884 --> 00:29:47,821 I specially wanna focus on the Circus Elephant, Kelly 542 00:29:47,854 --> 00:29:50,690 that went crazy and ran out of the on the big top last week. 543 00:29:50,724 --> 00:29:52,692 Do they really have to shoot her? 544 00:29:52,726 --> 00:29:56,696 I have sympathy for Kelly, I’d go crazy too if I was forced to join the circus. 545 00:29:56,730 --> 00:29:59,065 And they’re so brutally mean to them. 546 00:29:59,065 --> 00:30:01,368 And really, was Kelly that out of line? 547 00:30:01,401 --> 00:30:05,672 I mean so what if she runs out of the tent and steps on a few jugglers. Good! 548 00:30:05,705 --> 00:30:07,340 Do us all a favor. 549 00:30:07,374 --> 00:30:10,610 Hey! Look I can do five pins and you can’t do any. Crunch! 550 00:30:10,643 --> 00:30:12,412 Thank you! 551 00:30:12,445 --> 00:30:14,848 She’s mad as hell and I couldn’t take it anymore. 552 00:30:14,881 --> 00:30:18,885 One day, she’s got five kids in her back, kicking and screaming, 553 00:30:18,918 --> 00:30:21,821 some cow-hand jabber with a stun gun. 554 00:30:21,855 --> 00:30:25,825 Just thinking, is this really making it in the business? I don’t think so. 555 00:30:25,859 --> 00:30:29,229 And some kid yells, "Faster! You big blob of crap!" 556 00:30:29,262 --> 00:30:31,798 Kelly says " You want faster? You little nerd?" 557 00:30:31,831 --> 00:30:36,603 It was like Dumbo meets Pappy and meets somebody that runs out of a tent. 558 00:30:36,636 --> 00:30:39,239 Now, they shot him but they didn’t have to. 559 00:30:39,272 --> 00:30:42,008 Excuse me, what would you have done? 560 00:30:43,743 --> 00:30:46,846 Well, I don’t need a gun buddy ’coz I got these guns men! 561 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,616 I’d give her a couple of shots to those pre-historic sole reflexes. 562 00:30:49,649 --> 00:30:52,686 Boom! Boom! Right! Knock the wind out of her! 563 00:30:52,719 --> 00:30:55,622 Give her the old-throw-sand-in her-eyes like in the movies. 564 00:30:55,655 --> 00:30:58,625 Then, boom! Boom! A couple of snap kicks to the skull, 565 00:30:58,658 --> 00:31:00,427 then she falls down totally dazed, 566 00:31:00,460 --> 00:31:02,062 and I start banging her head in the car door. 567 00:31:02,095 --> 00:31:04,197 Bang! Wang! Wang! 568 00:31:04,230 --> 00:31:06,399 She’s getting a few punches but I wouldn’t feel it. 569 00:31:06,433 --> 00:31:08,301 I’d be so psyched to beat her ass, right! 570 00:31:08,335 --> 00:31:11,171 And then, I’ll give her pile diver, boom! Huh! 571 00:31:11,204 --> 00:31:14,341 You like that? Boom! You think this is a game, Kelly? 572 00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:17,077 Boom! Right! Then the cops would pull us apart... 573 00:31:17,077 --> 00:31:18,411 Whoa! Whoa! Easy, easy easy! 574 00:31:18,445 --> 00:31:21,247 I thought you wanted everyone to be nice to animals? 575 00:31:21,281 --> 00:31:23,183 You know what I, I means, this... 576 00:31:23,216 --> 00:31:26,486 It’s almost as bad as shooting. Hypocrite! 577 00:31:26,519 --> 00:31:29,756 Well, whatever man. 578 00:31:29,789 --> 00:31:31,558 I knew I could take you, dude! 579 00:31:31,591 --> 00:31:33,493 Thank you, David Spade. 580 00:31:33,526 --> 00:31:38,732 [audience cheering] 581 00:31:40,867 --> 00:31:45,772 Well, a new study has revealed that there is new study revealed every 2.8 minutes. 582 00:31:45,805 --> 00:31:47,907 [audience laughing] 583 00:31:47,941 --> 00:31:52,112 Survey has disclosed that surveys are even more popular than new studies. 584 00:31:52,145 --> 00:31:53,980 And the recent Poll indicates that recent Polls 585 00:31:54,014 --> 00:31:57,684 are gaining acceptance over new studies and Surveys. 586 00:31:57,717 --> 00:32:00,353 Finally, report shows that Americans are fed up 587 00:32:00,387 --> 00:32:02,922 with studies, polls, surveys and reports. 588 00:32:02,956 --> 00:32:07,761 [audience cheering] 589 00:32:07,794 --> 00:32:09,829 You know I was thinking. 590 00:32:11,598 --> 00:32:15,402 A new test shows that U.S. students are among the worst 591 00:32:15,435 --> 00:32:19,072 in all developed countries when it comes to skills in Math and Science. 592 00:32:19,105 --> 00:32:21,574 On the brighter side, foreign students generally wear glasses 593 00:32:21,608 --> 00:32:24,944 and look real nerdy while our students get all the babes. 594 00:32:24,978 --> 00:32:27,714 [audience laughing] 595 00:32:27,747 --> 00:32:32,218 Japan’s heaviest Sumo Wrestler, 576 lbs., Konishiki 596 00:32:32,252 --> 00:32:37,824 married slim Japanese fashion model Sumika Shioda yesterday. 597 00:32:37,857 --> 00:32:40,160 If you like to send a gift, the couple is registered 598 00:32:40,193 --> 00:32:42,796 at the Bloomingdales and Sea World. 599 00:32:42,829 --> 00:32:45,498 [audience laughing] 600 00:32:45,532 --> 00:32:49,436 Due to the increased ozone lost, scientist have decided to spray Minoxidil in the air 601 00:32:49,469 --> 00:32:53,006 to see if some of the ozone grows back. Good luck! 602 00:32:54,874 --> 00:32:57,010 And on a press conference, Wednesday rap star, Hammer 603 00:32:57,110 --> 00:32:59,112 announced that he was sitting pretty. 604 00:32:59,112 --> 00:33:01,314 Hammer’s hastily called conference was a response 605 00:33:01,348 --> 00:33:05,285 to Michael Jackson’s announcement Tuesday that he was "Rolling in Dough". 606 00:33:08,321 --> 00:33:10,056 [audience laughing] 607 00:33:10,090 --> 00:33:13,693 Controversial new book about phone sex called Vox hits the stand recently. 608 00:33:13,727 --> 00:33:16,896 It graphically describes people’s sexual encounters over the phone. 609 00:33:16,930 --> 00:33:19,399 The book has quickly become a best-seller despite its cost, 610 00:33:19,432 --> 00:33:23,203 $9.95 for the first page and $2 for each of the additional page. 611 00:33:23,236 --> 00:33:25,071 [audience laughing] 612 00:33:25,071 --> 00:33:28,775 Well, Elizabeth Taylor is going to celebrate her 60th birthday in Disneyland. 613 00:33:28,808 --> 00:33:31,311 She thought it would be nice to celebrate with her ex-husbands 614 00:33:31,344 --> 00:33:33,413 who are all working there. 615 00:33:33,446 --> 00:33:34,748 [audience laughing] 616 00:33:34,781 --> 00:33:35,949 Yeah! 617 00:33:37,584 --> 00:33:39,519 Did you ever wonder... 618 00:33:41,121 --> 00:33:43,223 [audience laughing] 619 00:33:43,256 --> 00:33:46,092 This just in: Country Cross-over star, Kenny Rogers 620 00:33:46,092 --> 00:33:49,963 has just announced that he is, "Raking it in". 621 00:33:49,996 --> 00:33:52,265 [audience laughing] 622 00:33:52,298 --> 00:33:54,467 And in Milwaukee this afternoon, the jury decided 623 00:33:54,501 --> 00:33:58,171 that Jeffrey Dahmer was not insane when he mutilated and devoured 15 victims. 624 00:33:58,204 --> 00:34:01,341 Dahmer will not receive the death penalty because by tradition 625 00:34:01,374 --> 00:34:04,678 he would be able to have whoever he wanted for his last meal. 626 00:34:04,711 --> 00:34:10,050 [audience laughing] 627 00:34:10,050 --> 00:34:14,154 A new invention called the Rat-o-Pult is designed to trap rats by throwing them 628 00:34:14,187 --> 00:34:17,757 up to 50 ft through the air into a nearby bucket. 629 00:34:17,791 --> 00:34:20,627 This way, the rat is captured unharmed while also earning 630 00:34:20,660 --> 00:34:22,829 valuable freaking flyer miles. 631 00:34:22,862 --> 00:34:23,963 [audience laughing] 632 00:34:24,064 --> 00:34:25,932 Not a bad idea! 633 00:34:25,965 --> 00:34:31,604 And, Cecil Jacobson is on trial facing charges that he secretly fathered up to 75 children 634 00:34:31,638 --> 00:34:34,708 by substituting his sperm for that of donors. 635 00:34:34,741 --> 00:34:37,110 This was finally discovered when his desk at work 636 00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:39,512 became completely cluttered with baby pictures. 637 00:34:39,546 --> 00:34:42,449 Many of them bearing a striking resemblance to Jacobson. 638 00:34:42,482 --> 00:34:45,085 I’m Kevin Nealon, and that news for me. 639 00:34:45,085 --> 00:34:50,256 [music and cheering] 640 00:34:58,098 --> 00:35:03,036 [Announcer:] And now, very special Beverly Hills 90210 641 00:35:12,212 --> 00:35:14,347 So, Bren, what do you think this assembly is all about? 642 00:35:14,381 --> 00:35:19,152 I don’t know boy, I mean, maybe they’re gonna pass out more condoms to promote safe sex. 643 00:35:19,185 --> 00:35:21,054 Ah, more condoms? 644 00:35:21,054 --> 00:35:24,290 Why don’t we use the one’s we already got? 645 00:35:24,324 --> 00:35:26,259 Hey, Brandon and Brenda! 646 00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:27,927 Hey, Dylan! 647 00:35:27,961 --> 00:35:30,130 [audience cheering] 648 00:35:30,163 --> 00:35:33,199 So, what is this about, another condom giveaway? 649 00:35:33,233 --> 00:35:35,402 We’re gonna have to do that whole date-rape thing again? 650 00:35:35,435 --> 00:35:38,104 Oh, I think they’ve kinda given up on that one. 651 00:35:39,572 --> 00:35:42,509 - Yeah, well... - Hey, Kelly, Donna! 652 00:35:42,542 --> 00:35:43,777 How’s it going? 653 00:35:43,810 --> 00:35:46,980 Hi Brandon, Brenda, Dylan! 654 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,917 So, Brandon, Brenda, Dylan and Kelly, 655 00:35:50,950 --> 00:35:52,919 why do you think they called this assembly? 656 00:35:52,952 --> 00:35:57,257 Teen suicide or are they handing out condoms again? 657 00:35:57,290 --> 00:35:59,893 Here’s the Superintendent. 658 00:35:59,926 --> 00:36:02,662 Good morning! 659 00:36:02,696 --> 00:36:06,266 I’d like to begin by reminding you all about an item from the School Dress Code, 660 00:36:06,299 --> 00:36:10,637 that some of you have appeared to have overlooked. 661 00:36:10,670 --> 00:36:13,139 Under Grooming, Article 2A, 662 00:36:13,173 --> 00:36:17,911 Sideburns are to be worn at all times, 663 00:36:17,944 --> 00:36:20,146 and must be at minimum length of three inches 664 00:36:20,180 --> 00:36:22,282 or one quarter inch from the bottom of the earlobes 665 00:36:22,315 --> 00:36:24,117 for students with attached earlobes 666 00:36:24,150 --> 00:36:25,952 and to the bottom of the ear cartilage 667 00:36:26,052 --> 00:36:29,055 for students with free-hanging lobes. 668 00:36:29,055 --> 00:36:32,359 But this is not the main reason I brought you here today, 669 00:36:32,392 --> 00:36:36,596 as you know this country is in the midst of a deep recession. 670 00:36:36,629 --> 00:36:39,366 I felt it in Beverly Hills, but which will nonetheless 671 00:36:39,399 --> 00:36:42,535 require sacrifices from all Americans. 672 00:36:42,569 --> 00:36:45,705 Here to tell us a little bit about our role 673 00:36:45,739 --> 00:36:49,075 that we, in Beverly Hills will be playing, he’s a man who needs no introduction. 674 00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:51,211 He has delivered mail to all your homes. 675 00:36:51,244 --> 00:36:53,847 Please welcome, mail carrier, Al McPherson. 676 00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:55,281 Al... 677 00:36:55,315 --> 00:36:59,152 [applause] 678 00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:04,791 Thank you, Superintendent. 679 00:37:04,824 --> 00:37:08,661 You all know me, I’m your mailman, 680 00:37:08,695 --> 00:37:12,766 I have a lot of mail to deliver so I’m gonna make this brief. 681 00:37:12,799 --> 00:37:14,934 In this country, 682 00:37:15,035 --> 00:37:18,872 there are nearly 100,000 Post Offices, 683 00:37:18,905 --> 00:37:22,609 and they are denoted by a five-digit Zip Code, 684 00:37:22,642 --> 00:37:26,746 such as Beverly Hills 90210. 685 00:37:26,780 --> 00:37:30,483 Now, that’s a lot of Post Offices, and well, 686 00:37:30,517 --> 00:37:33,186 we are in a recession. 687 00:37:33,219 --> 00:37:38,124 So to make a long story short, effective March 31, 688 00:37:38,158 --> 00:37:41,528 the Beverly Hills Post Office will be closed. 689 00:37:41,561 --> 00:37:45,398 Zip Code 90120 will be permanently retired. 690 00:37:45,432 --> 00:37:48,234 Oh, c’mon! 691 00:37:48,268 --> 00:37:52,072 Don’t worry, you’ll get your mail. 692 00:37:52,105 --> 00:37:56,710 Beverly Hills, will henceforth be served under the Zip Code 693 00:37:56,743 --> 00:38:00,146 90218. 694 00:38:00,180 --> 00:38:03,350 That will be covering the communities of Beverly Hills, 695 00:38:03,383 --> 00:38:07,053 Sherman Oaks and parts of North Hollywood. 696 00:38:08,888 --> 00:38:11,891 Don’t worry. Yes, you have a question? 697 00:38:11,925 --> 00:38:14,294 Does that mean Bijan on Rodeo Drive 698 00:38:14,327 --> 00:38:18,298 will have the same Zip Code as Mr. Tux on Ventura Boulevard? 699 00:38:18,331 --> 00:38:20,467 I’m afraid so. 700 00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:21,901 Oh no! 701 00:38:21,935 --> 00:38:24,170 No! 702 00:38:24,204 --> 00:38:29,342 [music] 703 00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:42,789 You know, Dylan, I live in North Hollywood and it’s really not that bad. 704 00:38:42,822 --> 00:38:45,058 You get your car washed cheap. 705 00:38:45,058 --> 00:38:46,893 If you need something nice for the prom, 706 00:38:46,926 --> 00:38:49,396 they got that Mr. Tux on Ventura Boulevard. 707 00:38:49,429 --> 00:38:50,730 Shut up! 708 00:38:54,868 --> 00:38:57,671 Have some coffee, you’ll feel better. 709 00:38:57,704 --> 00:39:00,707 Well, I didn’t order any coffee. 710 00:39:03,510 --> 00:39:07,480 You know that many parts of Sherman Oaks is world renowned. 711 00:39:07,514 --> 00:39:10,083 Man, you’re not getting it, are you? Huh? 712 00:39:12,619 --> 00:39:16,823 [audience cheering] 713 00:39:21,027 --> 00:39:23,029 Dad, what’s going on? 714 00:39:23,029 --> 00:39:26,099 You better take care of your friend there, Brandon. 715 00:39:30,370 --> 00:39:32,939 Dylan, what have you been doing? 716 00:39:33,039 --> 00:39:34,774 Have you been drinking? 717 00:39:36,409 --> 00:39:39,913 Well, I like drinking, okay! You got a problem with that? 718 00:39:41,681 --> 00:39:43,750 It’s about what the mailman said today, isn’t it? 719 00:39:43,783 --> 00:39:45,919 Huh? Huh? 720 00:39:45,952 --> 00:39:47,520 Come on, answer me, answer me. 721 00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:49,889 Oh! Dylan. 722 00:39:49,923 --> 00:39:51,891 What do you know about me, huh? 723 00:39:51,925 --> 00:39:54,694 Oh! It’s easy for you, you just moved here. 724 00:39:54,728 --> 00:39:58,198 I’ve had this Zip Code all my life, it’s a part of me! 725 00:39:58,231 --> 00:39:59,899 [audience laughing] 726 00:40:00,066 --> 00:40:02,202 C’mon, Dylan, it’s just a mail, man! 727 00:40:02,235 --> 00:40:04,738 It’s all just catalogues! 728 00:40:04,771 --> 00:40:06,473 You don’t get it, do you? 729 00:40:06,506 --> 00:40:10,944 You don’t get it. You know what 90218 means? 730 00:40:10,977 --> 00:40:14,647 It means we live in the valley! 731 00:40:14,681 --> 00:40:17,283 Hey! Hey! C’mon buddy, where do you think you’re going? 732 00:40:17,317 --> 00:40:20,587 For a little spin, I got a little drunk-driving to do. 733 00:40:20,620 --> 00:40:21,588 [audience laughing] 734 00:40:21,621 --> 00:40:23,323 I can’t let you do that, man! 735 00:40:23,356 --> 00:40:24,924 Give me your keys. 736 00:40:27,260 --> 00:40:30,296 C’mon it’s not that bright in here, give me your keys. 737 00:40:33,366 --> 00:40:35,268 Okay! 738 00:40:40,674 --> 00:40:42,008 Where have you two been? 739 00:40:42,042 --> 00:40:43,476 Shopping! 740 00:40:43,510 --> 00:40:47,714 Doesn’t mean that we live in 90218, we have to dress like it! 741 00:40:47,747 --> 00:40:52,786 Look at this black mini dress, from Ungaro, $3,000. 742 00:40:52,819 --> 00:40:54,854 That’s nice! 743 00:40:54,888 --> 00:40:56,256 [audience laughing] 744 00:40:56,289 --> 00:41:00,193 Dig this, two matching black mini dresses form Valentino, 745 00:41:00,226 --> 00:41:02,929 $2,700 a piece. 746 00:41:02,962 --> 00:41:04,831 Okay, this table want a water, right? 747 00:41:04,864 --> 00:41:07,767 No thanks, I’m drinking again. 748 00:41:07,801 --> 00:41:09,869 Hey! Do you know what I just heard, 749 00:41:09,903 --> 00:41:12,505 you and I got the same Zip Code now. 750 00:41:12,539 --> 00:41:13,540 [audience laughing] 751 00:41:13,573 --> 00:41:14,908 Isn’t that great? 752 00:41:14,941 --> 00:41:17,177 Say, maybe we could come over to your house some time 753 00:41:17,210 --> 00:41:20,080 for a barbecue, seeing we have the same Zip Code, now! 754 00:41:20,113 --> 00:41:23,249 Hey! 90218 rules! 755 00:41:24,317 --> 00:41:25,819 I can’t take it! 756 00:41:25,852 --> 00:41:27,187 Let’s go! 757 00:41:27,220 --> 00:41:29,756 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! Where do you think you’re going? 758 00:41:29,789 --> 00:41:31,458 Back to Bever... 759 00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:35,929 Rodeo Drive to buy some more black mini dresses. 760 00:41:35,962 --> 00:41:38,631 That’s panic shopping, Kelly. I can’t let you do that. 761 00:41:38,665 --> 00:41:40,900 Got to give me your keys. 762 00:41:40,934 --> 00:41:43,403 [audience laughing] 763 00:41:43,436 --> 00:41:45,271 You, too, Donna. 764 00:41:47,607 --> 00:41:49,542 [audience laughing] 765 00:41:56,216 --> 00:41:58,351 Okay! 766 00:41:58,385 --> 00:42:02,055 Kelly, you’re gonna be L-1, Donna, you’re gonna be K-2. 767 00:42:02,055 --> 00:42:04,057 Hold on to those. 768 00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:06,459 I better hold on to yours, you’ve been drinking, man! 769 00:42:06,493 --> 00:42:07,861 Why, Dylan? 770 00:42:07,894 --> 00:42:09,329 Why? 771 00:42:09,362 --> 00:42:11,197 [audience laughing] 772 00:42:11,231 --> 00:42:14,067 Brenda, Brenda, Brenda, Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on! 773 00:42:14,100 --> 00:42:17,070 You’re hysterical, better give me your car keys. 774 00:42:17,103 --> 00:42:19,239 [audience laughing] 775 00:42:19,272 --> 00:42:21,508 Hey Guys! 776 00:42:21,541 --> 00:42:24,511 You better get back to school, they just called another assembly. 777 00:42:24,544 --> 00:42:27,614 Steve, Steve, you’re way to excited, buddy! 778 00:42:27,647 --> 00:42:30,250 Give me your keys, I’ll drive. 779 00:42:31,851 --> 00:42:35,188 Thank you, Superintendent. 780 00:42:35,221 --> 00:42:40,093 Well, it seems your parents made a lot of phone calls 781 00:42:40,093 --> 00:42:44,297 to some very important people in our government 782 00:42:44,330 --> 00:42:47,100 and I am happy to announce 783 00:42:47,133 --> 00:42:51,838 that 90210 Post Office has been reopened. 784 00:42:51,871 --> 00:42:53,273 Yeah! 785 00:42:53,306 --> 00:42:55,141 You got your Zip Codes back! 786 00:42:55,175 --> 00:43:00,046 [cheering] 787 00:43:00,046 --> 00:43:02,515 And that’s not all, 788 00:43:02,549 --> 00:43:07,287 from now on, the 90120 will no longer include 789 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:12,492 the apartment complex on Pico, west of Doheny. 790 00:43:12,525 --> 00:43:16,830 [cheering] 791 00:43:18,331 --> 00:43:21,067 Thank you, mail carrier, McPherson. 792 00:43:21,101 --> 00:43:24,070 Well, I think we could all learn something from this experience. 793 00:43:24,070 --> 00:43:26,573 The rich and powerful will take only so much 794 00:43:26,606 --> 00:43:29,142 before they get on the phone to their friends in the government, 795 00:43:29,175 --> 00:43:33,179 and demand the kind of personal favors that can really make a difference. 796 00:43:33,213 --> 00:43:35,582 I want you to think about that because someday, 797 00:43:35,615 --> 00:43:38,685 you continue to practice safe sex, you, too, 798 00:43:38,718 --> 00:43:40,186 will be rich and powerful. 799 00:43:40,220 --> 00:43:43,890 [cheering] 800 00:43:46,192 --> 00:43:50,697 Hi I’m Jason Priestley, to read more on Postal Zones and Zip Codes 801 00:43:50,730 --> 00:43:53,600 check out the following book in your library: 802 00:43:53,633 --> 00:43:57,170 The US Postal Service Zip Code Directory. 803 00:43:57,203 --> 00:44:00,306 It’s a listing of Zip Codes for every Post Office in the Country 804 00:44:00,340 --> 00:44:03,376 including Zip Code maps for all major cities. 805 00:44:03,410 --> 00:44:05,378 Check it out, won’t you? 806 00:44:05,412 --> 00:44:09,649 [audience cheering] 807 00:44:13,753 --> 00:44:18,692 * We had some bad times, we thought our love was dead. * 808 00:44:18,725 --> 00:44:23,730 * You try to break every bone in my head. * 809 00:44:23,763 --> 00:44:28,501 * You lied to me, baby, you cheated on me * 810 00:44:28,535 --> 00:44:33,606 * You kicked out the screen in my color TV * 811 00:44:33,640 --> 00:44:38,411 * But our love was so strong, * 812 00:44:38,445 --> 00:44:44,718 * it brought us back together again. * 813 00:44:44,751 --> 00:44:49,089 [Announcer:] Is proud to present a special Valentine’s day offer, 814 00:44:49,089 --> 00:44:52,092 La Tour and Johnson’s singing the sounds 815 00:44:52,092 --> 00:44:53,960 of "Strong and Lasting Love". 816 00:44:53,993 --> 00:44:57,897 * You threw a punch in me But baby I missed you * 817 00:44:57,931 --> 00:45:02,235 * You threw your lunch at me Oh! But baby I missed you * 818 00:45:02,268 --> 00:45:04,137 * Then I threw you out * 819 00:45:04,170 --> 00:45:06,606 * And I kept missing you * 820 00:45:06,639 --> 00:45:08,775 * And that’s when we knew * 821 00:45:08,808 --> 00:45:10,877 * Our love was so strong, * 822 00:45:10,910 --> 00:45:14,714 * We get back together again * 823 00:45:14,748 --> 00:45:17,684 You’ll get "It Hurts So Good", "It’s Only Good When It Hurts", 824 00:45:17,717 --> 00:45:21,521 "If It Don’t Hurt, It Ain’t No Good", and the classic, 825 00:45:21,554 --> 00:45:24,257 "When Good Love Goes Bad" 826 00:45:24,290 --> 00:45:28,495 * When good love goes bad and your dimple gets shorter * 827 00:45:28,528 --> 00:45:32,565 * And you call up the judge for a restraining order * 828 00:45:32,599 --> 00:45:36,569 * Then the grip on your face becomes a gentle one, * 829 00:45:36,603 --> 00:45:39,072 * Ladies and gentlemen * 830 00:45:39,105 --> 00:45:43,309 * it’s time we get together again. * 831 00:45:43,343 --> 00:45:45,311 You’ll get: "Love Made Me Walk Home Tonight", 832 00:45:45,345 --> 00:45:48,915 "Love Shot Up My Car Tonight", "Love Threw All My Stuff Out In The Street", 833 00:45:48,948 --> 00:45:50,984 "Love Pushed Me Thru A Window", 834 00:45:51,084 --> 00:45:54,654 "Love Stabbed Me Between The Ribs And Never Came To Visit Me In The Hospital", 835 00:45:54,688 --> 00:45:56,823 plus this number one hit! 836 00:45:56,856 --> 00:45:59,459 * Running in the rain * 837 00:45:59,492 --> 00:46:03,663 * Yelling in the sun * 838 00:46:03,697 --> 00:46:07,500 * Waiting up for you with a loaded gun * 839 00:46:10,136 --> 00:46:14,741 * Baby, it’s crazy * 840 00:46:14,774 --> 00:46:16,710 * Crazy love * 841 00:46:16,743 --> 00:46:18,812 * And who could forget the powerful, * 842 00:46:18,845 --> 00:46:21,047 * "When Love Drags You Down The Stairs" * 843 00:46:21,081 --> 00:46:25,051 * And your heart’s going: thump, thump, thump * 844 00:46:25,051 --> 00:46:29,656 * And your head’s going bump, bump, bump. * 845 00:46:29,689 --> 00:46:33,393 * When love drags you down the stairs * 846 00:46:33,426 --> 00:46:37,297 * Oh! Baby there’s gonna be a fire tonight * 847 00:46:37,330 --> 00:46:40,133 * And it’ll be hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, * 848 00:46:40,166 --> 00:46:42,502 * hot, hot, hot, hot! * 849 00:46:42,535 --> 00:46:46,439 To order call 1-800-555-Love. 850 00:46:46,473 --> 00:46:50,677 * Oh! Baby! You are charged with assault and battering * 851 00:46:50,710 --> 00:46:54,514 * Then you bailed me out And I broke your jaw * 852 00:46:54,547 --> 00:46:58,284 * Love is so strong, * 853 00:46:58,318 --> 00:47:02,522 * It brings us back together again * 854 00:47:05,892 --> 00:47:10,130 [audience cheering] 855 00:47:22,642 --> 00:47:26,046 I guess my career was over before it even begun. 856 00:47:28,615 --> 00:47:32,485 Ah, I like you, Jake. 857 00:47:32,519 --> 00:47:34,287 Isn’t he terrific daddy? 858 00:47:34,320 --> 00:47:37,390 - Thank you, sir. - You’re a fine young fellow. 859 00:47:37,424 --> 00:47:41,394 Thank you, now, Rachel, if you’d excuse us. 860 00:47:41,428 --> 00:47:44,064 There is something your father and I need to discuss. 861 00:47:44,097 --> 00:47:46,232 Good luck! 862 00:47:51,371 --> 00:47:53,340 Well, Jake, what’s on your mind? 863 00:47:53,373 --> 00:47:56,109 Well, Mr. Luellen I’ll be blunt. 864 00:47:56,142 --> 00:47:58,144 The fact is, your daughter and I are deeply in love 865 00:47:58,178 --> 00:47:59,679 and I intend to marry her. 866 00:47:59,713 --> 00:48:02,248 I’ve come to ask your blessing. 867 00:48:03,783 --> 00:48:07,287 [audience laughing] 868 00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:12,792 Jake, you’re a fine fellow as most things go but marriage is serious business. 869 00:48:12,826 --> 00:48:17,530 Let’s face it, you and Rachel are from different social worlds. 870 00:48:17,564 --> 00:48:19,833 You happen to have the money or the prospects to provide for her 871 00:48:19,866 --> 00:48:22,402 in the manner she is accustomed to? 872 00:48:22,435 --> 00:48:25,638 I’m sorry I can’t allow her, I have to say no. 873 00:48:26,940 --> 00:48:30,410 Well, sorry it has come to this sir but... 874 00:48:30,443 --> 00:48:32,946 Speaking man to man, 875 00:48:33,046 --> 00:48:35,815 I love Rachel and I’m gonna marry her 876 00:48:35,849 --> 00:48:38,952 whether you permit it or not. 877 00:48:39,052 --> 00:48:40,453 [audience laughing] 878 00:48:40,487 --> 00:48:43,790 Now, that’s what I wanted to hear, that took spine, my boy! 879 00:48:43,823 --> 00:48:45,759 Backbone! I like it! 880 00:48:45,792 --> 00:48:48,228 Well, son, you’ve pass my little test. 881 00:48:48,261 --> 00:48:51,364 You have my blessings with all my heart. 882 00:48:51,398 --> 00:48:54,434 Now, come here, Jake, sit on my lap. 883 00:48:54,467 --> 00:48:56,736 [audience laughing] 884 00:48:56,770 --> 00:48:58,238 Sir? 885 00:48:58,271 --> 00:49:02,208 C’mon, you know, sit on my lap and give daddy a great big kiss! 886 00:49:02,242 --> 00:49:03,677 [audience laughing] 887 00:49:03,710 --> 00:49:06,246 Sir, I, you know I can’t do that, 888 00:49:06,279 --> 00:49:08,515 I have to put Rachel first. 889 00:49:08,548 --> 00:49:10,750 [audience laughing] 890 00:49:10,784 --> 00:49:13,153 Good man! Good man! 891 00:49:13,186 --> 00:49:15,455 I was testing you again, and again you’ve passed! 892 00:49:15,488 --> 00:49:17,223 Steadfast! Faithful! 893 00:49:17,257 --> 00:49:19,659 That was what I was watching for, good! 894 00:49:19,693 --> 00:49:20,660 [audience laughing] 895 00:49:20,694 --> 00:49:22,495 Now, come, sit on my lap. 896 00:49:22,529 --> 00:49:23,496 [audience laughing] 897 00:49:23,530 --> 00:49:25,031 Sir? 898 00:49:25,031 --> 00:49:27,500 Oh! Come on, Jake don’t be ridiculous! 899 00:49:27,534 --> 00:49:30,370 You have already passed two tests and now testing time is done. 900 00:49:30,403 --> 00:49:32,038 You’ve made it, you’re in! 901 00:49:32,038 --> 00:49:34,040 You are marrying my daughter. 902 00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:38,445 Surely that strapping young conqueror can spare feeble old man one ditsy little kiss! 903 00:49:38,478 --> 00:49:41,214 [audience laughing] 904 00:49:41,247 --> 00:49:44,250 Now, sir, I, I, No! 905 00:49:44,284 --> 00:49:49,856 Jake, I’m asking you, don’t make me beg, please! 906 00:49:52,892 --> 00:49:56,596 Ah, well, alright, just one! 907 00:49:58,832 --> 00:50:01,334 [audience laughing] 908 00:50:06,239 --> 00:50:10,910 Jake, you’ve passed yet another test with flying colors. 909 00:50:10,944 --> 00:50:16,282 I admire a man with inner strength to resist my sexual advances 910 00:50:16,316 --> 00:50:19,419 but with the kindness to take pity on an old man. 911 00:50:19,452 --> 00:50:21,321 Thank you sir. 912 00:50:21,354 --> 00:50:26,192 You know, these chairs we’re sitting in are real leather. 913 00:50:26,226 --> 00:50:28,194 Feels so good to rub your hand against them. 914 00:50:28,228 --> 00:50:29,662 [audience laughing] 915 00:50:29,696 --> 00:50:33,466 This is another, sort of, some test, isn’t it sir? 916 00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:36,770 Not at all, try it! It’s fun! 917 00:50:36,803 --> 00:50:39,606 Really sir, I’d rather not. 918 00:50:39,639 --> 00:50:43,076 Well, if you don’t want to, it’s your loss, I suppose, 919 00:50:43,109 --> 00:50:44,310 but it wasn’t a test. 920 00:50:44,344 --> 00:50:45,879 - It wasn’t? - No, why? 921 00:50:45,912 --> 00:50:48,381 Does everything have to be a test? Come on! 922 00:50:48,415 --> 00:50:52,652 No, I guess not, I just thought it might be a test to see if I 923 00:50:52,686 --> 00:50:54,554 had a thing about leathers or something. 924 00:50:54,587 --> 00:50:58,525 No, no, no, I guess that it’s good that you don’t. 925 00:50:58,558 --> 00:51:00,760 Maybe it should have been a test, huh? 926 00:51:00,794 --> 00:51:03,263 well, if it had been, you would have passed. Congratulations! 927 00:51:03,296 --> 00:51:05,298 - Thank you sir. - Not at all. 928 00:51:05,331 --> 00:51:07,801 Now, heads or tails? Call it in the air. 929 00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:10,170 Heads. 930 00:51:10,203 --> 00:51:13,206 Ooh! Bad news! Sorry, Jake. 931 00:51:13,239 --> 00:51:15,108 But good in a way I guess, huh! 932 00:51:15,141 --> 00:51:16,376 What is it? 933 00:51:16,409 --> 00:51:18,678 Ah, I’ll tell you another time. 934 00:51:18,712 --> 00:51:21,114 Anyway, congratulations! 935 00:51:21,147 --> 00:51:27,087 Now, there’s an old family heirloom I want you to have. 936 00:51:29,923 --> 00:51:32,792 Once belonged to my father-in-law, 937 00:51:32,826 --> 00:51:34,728 and I want you to try it on. 938 00:51:34,761 --> 00:51:36,963 [audience laughing] 939 00:51:36,996 --> 00:51:39,632 Well, this is a test. 940 00:51:39,666 --> 00:51:42,268 Sir, I don’t really think I should. 941 00:51:42,302 --> 00:51:47,540 Of course not, how could you, I’m not wearing my cowboy hat! 942 00:51:47,574 --> 00:51:50,377 But there’ll be a plenty of time for these things in the future, 943 00:51:50,410 --> 00:51:53,146 after all, you are part of the family now. 944 00:51:55,582 --> 00:51:58,118 Daddy, how did it go? 945 00:51:58,151 --> 00:52:00,787 Rachel, you’ve picked a fine young man. 946 00:52:00,820 --> 00:52:02,155 You have my blessing. 947 00:52:02,188 --> 00:52:03,723 Oh, Jake. 948 00:52:05,191 --> 00:52:07,961 You know, I feel, as though I’m losing a daughter 949 00:52:08,061 --> 00:52:11,531 but I’m gaining a fine young thorough-bred steed. 950 00:52:11,564 --> 00:52:12,899 [audience laughing] 951 00:52:12,932 --> 00:52:15,869 - A son, daddy! A son! - Yes, of course, whatever. 952 00:52:15,902 --> 00:52:17,871 Well, this calls for a celebration! 953 00:52:17,904 --> 00:52:19,472 Champagne, shall we? 954 00:52:21,074 --> 00:52:24,944 [audience applauding] 955 00:52:27,380 --> 00:52:32,452 [Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. 956 00:52:37,457 --> 00:52:40,226 [Male voice:] I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, 957 00:52:40,260 --> 00:52:45,598 because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. 958 00:52:49,402 --> 00:52:51,237 [audience applauding] 959 00:53:01,414 --> 00:53:03,483 Okay! Nobody moves! Nobody gets hurt! 960 00:53:03,516 --> 00:53:05,785 Come on! Keep your hands up! Bobby, get the money! 961 00:53:05,819 --> 00:53:08,488 Okay, Nikki, alright, now folks, you stay calm 962 00:53:08,521 --> 00:53:09,856 and everything will be okay. 963 00:53:09,889 --> 00:53:11,858 We don’t wanna hurt anybody but as you know these are 964 00:53:11,891 --> 00:53:14,160 hard and trying economic times we’re living in. 965 00:53:14,194 --> 00:53:16,196 As the saying goes: "when the going gets tough, 966 00:53:16,229 --> 00:53:18,064 the tough robs bank". 967 00:53:18,098 --> 00:53:20,633 Hey! If you are robbing a bank, rob a bank, 968 00:53:20,667 --> 00:53:24,204 but we don’t have to hear your sorry ass jokes, too. 969 00:53:24,237 --> 00:53:25,538 Shut up! 970 00:53:25,572 --> 00:53:28,141 Hey! Why I got to shut up, I got my hands in the air, 971 00:53:28,174 --> 00:53:30,877 we don’t want to say something that knocks the gun out of your hands. 972 00:53:30,910 --> 00:53:33,646 Come on, my brother said shut up! So just shut up. Okay! 973 00:53:33,680 --> 00:53:35,615 Ain’t that a bitch! 974 00:53:35,648 --> 00:53:39,085 You’re gonna come up here and rob a bank plus tell us what we can and cannot talk. 975 00:53:39,085 --> 00:53:40,720 - Yeah! - Yeah! 976 00:53:40,754 --> 00:53:44,190 Brother, the root to all the the world’s problems boils down to one thing: 977 00:53:44,224 --> 00:53:46,226 white men and their gun! 978 00:53:46,259 --> 00:53:47,761 - Yeah! - Yeah! 979 00:53:47,794 --> 00:53:50,530 Okay! That’s it! Nobody says anything else. Bobby, come on! 980 00:53:50,563 --> 00:53:52,432 Yeah, come on, lady, give me your cash! 981 00:53:52,465 --> 00:53:54,634 Won’t you come back in and get it yourself! 982 00:53:54,668 --> 00:53:56,102 That’s right sister! 983 00:53:56,102 --> 00:53:58,304 You’re not his slave, make him respect you. 984 00:53:58,338 --> 00:54:01,708 Lady, I’m not kidding around. 985 00:54:01,741 --> 00:54:05,045 Me, neither! But if I give you this money, next thing I know, 986 00:54:05,078 --> 00:54:07,247 I’mma be arrested for abiding a robbery. 987 00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:09,382 No! You all be long gone. 988 00:54:09,416 --> 00:54:10,917 - Yes! - Yeah! 989 00:54:10,950 --> 00:54:13,053 That’s right! That’s why they probably picked this bank. 990 00:54:13,053 --> 00:54:15,121 They know, they’re just gonna be saying: "all of those people 991 00:54:15,155 --> 00:54:17,590 are robbing themselves again", you know, 992 00:54:17,624 --> 00:54:19,592 they’re probably gonna arrest all of us! 993 00:54:19,626 --> 00:54:21,227 Alright! That’s it! That’s it! 994 00:54:21,261 --> 00:54:23,063 I mean it this time, everybody shut up! 995 00:54:23,063 --> 00:54:25,298 And get on the floor! Bobby, let’s go! Come on! 996 00:54:25,331 --> 00:54:27,067 On the floor, now! 997 00:54:27,067 --> 00:54:30,470 I know one thing, I’m not getting on the floor with my good suit. 998 00:54:30,503 --> 00:54:32,806 Go get on the floor right now or I’m gonna blow... 999 00:54:32,839 --> 00:54:35,542 White men with their guns, there it is! Right there! 1000 00:54:35,575 --> 00:54:36,876 - Come on! - Really! 1001 00:54:36,910 --> 00:54:39,746 It’s not like that! This is not a racial thing. 1002 00:54:39,779 --> 00:54:41,848 You guys just got the easiest bank to rob. 1003 00:54:41,881 --> 00:54:45,418 - You guys? Who’s "you guys"? - Black people! 1004 00:54:45,452 --> 00:54:47,721 No! No! No! Not black people! 1005 00:54:47,754 --> 00:54:51,191 You guys, this bank, you got the worst security system in town. 1006 00:54:51,224 --> 00:54:53,793 How did you know that? Huh? 1007 00:54:53,827 --> 00:54:58,198 How do you automatically assume that we got the worst bank as the black bank, huh! 1008 00:54:58,231 --> 00:54:59,532 Hey! I’m not assuming nothing! 1009 00:54:59,566 --> 00:55:00,667 Well, then, how did you know? 1010 00:55:00,700 --> 00:55:02,736 Coz your father probably had it sold to you? 1011 00:55:02,769 --> 00:55:04,771 Yeah! Right! 1012 00:55:04,804 --> 00:55:06,940 Your father, your father probably saying "Oh, Oh, 1013 00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:11,044 it’s about the black bank, just give him a special system we got in the bank." 1014 00:55:11,044 --> 00:55:14,681 You guys, really, we cased your bank out for about a week. 1015 00:55:14,714 --> 00:55:16,483 What do you think you’re doing? 1016 00:55:16,516 --> 00:55:18,618 Hey, I just want them to think we’re begets. 1017 00:55:18,651 --> 00:55:20,653 - Who cares what they think? - I do, alright! 1018 00:55:20,687 --> 00:55:24,391 And I don’t want these people to think you and I are like some of the jerks we grew up with. 1019 00:55:24,424 --> 00:55:26,059 Where are you boys from? 1020 00:55:26,092 --> 00:55:28,061 Bay Ridge. 1021 00:55:28,061 --> 00:55:29,262 Have you lost your mind? 1022 00:55:29,295 --> 00:55:30,864 You don’t tell them where we’re from. 1023 00:55:30,897 --> 00:55:33,500 Come on! Forget it! Let’s go! 1024 00:55:33,533 --> 00:55:37,303 Now, if this was a white bank, they would have held us hostage. 1025 00:55:37,337 --> 00:55:38,571 Everybody okay? 1026 00:55:38,605 --> 00:55:41,508 Look who’s here! 1027 00:55:41,541 --> 00:55:45,712 Hey! That’s not fair! We got here as soon as we could. 1028 00:55:45,745 --> 00:55:48,248 Yeah! Sure you did! 1029 00:55:48,281 --> 00:55:51,351 [audience cheering] 1030 00:55:54,721 --> 00:55:58,725 [Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. 1031 00:56:03,897 --> 00:56:08,034 [Male voice:] In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination, 1032 00:56:08,034 --> 00:56:11,504 should automatically disqualify you. 1033 00:56:13,039 --> 00:56:17,777 [audience cheering] 1034 00:56:22,582 --> 00:56:23,817 Okay! 1035 00:56:23,850 --> 00:56:26,319 Thank you very much to everybody here! 1036 00:56:26,353 --> 00:56:28,188 It has been, well, the best weeks of my life. 1037 00:56:28,221 --> 00:56:30,457 Thank you to TH Fanclub! 1038 00:56:30,490 --> 00:56:34,427 - Chris’s birthday today. - No, come on. 1039 00:56:34,461 --> 00:56:39,099 That’s it! Thank you very much everybody and uh, good night! 1040 00:56:39,132 --> 00:56:44,070 [audience cheering] 1041 00:56:44,070 --> 00:56:48,742 [music] 83004

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