Original subtitles

Michael, I understand an appeal has been filed?

That’s right.

On what grounds, Michael?

Surprise evidence from the District Attorney.

Abusive discretion for not calling a mistrial.

Doesn’t Williams owe us money?

So?

Well, don’t you think he should pay for the last trial

before we start a whole new one?

Come on, Douglas.

Well, helping the less fortunate doesn’t pay the bills.

Jonathan?

Well, we have a new development

in the wrongful death case against Santa Monica General.

It seems the medical examiner has new findings.

New findings? Tell us about it.

Well--

(audience cheering)

Leland.

Leland, what is this?

Grace, sit down, please.

I think I deserve an answer.

Roger Ballantine from Security Chemical called.

He told me that you’ve agreed to represent

the Park View Condos.

Of course, I’m going to represent them.

Malaney is not the only person who can do pro bono around here.

Grace, Roger Ballantine has been with this firm for 17 years.

Leland, I’m not backing off this one.

So you’d better think about this and let me know

if you still want me as a partner in this firm.

Hi. Excuse me.

Ernie said sorry, he’s running a little late.

Grace, I hope you’ll reconsider.

Is this a bad time?

I have made my decision.

Do you want me to run that off for you?

No. I’ll run them off myself.

Grace.

The Grace lady making copies.

Hi, Rich.

Princess Grace back from Graceland.

Yep, that’s me, making copies.

Grace Van Owen.

Well, this is my last copy, Richard.

All right, no more copies for the Partridge girl.

Hey, that was a long time ago.

Laurie Partridge not really playing the keyboard.

Not even plugged in.

No electricity for the Partridgenator.

Rich, shut up.

Benny.

Hey, Rich, what’s going on?

The Bun Man, not really retarded.

Just a little slow.

Living life in the slow lane.

The slowmeister.

Hey, Richmeister!

Just once could something come out of your mouth

that makes some kind of sense?

Okay.

Live from New York, it’s "Saturday Night!"

(audience applauding)

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical Guest, C+C Music Factory.

And starring Susan Dey.

Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Dey!

Thank you!

Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

I am really looking forward to doing live television.

(audience cheering)

I know it’s a cliché,

but I am one of those people who grew up on television.

For four years, I was Laurie Partridge

of "The Partridge Family."

(audience cheering)

You know, I’d like to think I broke some ground there.

Not because I was a female musician

competing in a man’s world.

But because I was the first teenager

in primetime to wear a pantsuit and--

(audience cheering)

And, of course, the Partridge band suit.

And Laurie was--

Laurie was a good girl who got good grades,

but underneath it all, you suspect that she might be

just a little hot.

And now, as Grace Van Owen,

I wear business suits and business suits.

And she’s a good lawyer who does the right thing,

the politically correct thing,

and underneath it all is just a little hot.

(audience cheering)

But tonight--

Tonight, I’m wearing my own suit...

(audience cheering)

Because...

this is not about a law firm

or a family.

This is my show.

I even have my own musical guest.

That’s right.

C+C Music Factory is here tonight.

(audience cheering)

So don’t go away.

My show will be right back!

(audience cheering)

* One and one and one is more than two *

* You’ll be amazed what you can do *

* You’ll understand what freedom means *

* When you wear your three-legged jeans *

* When you wear your Leevi’s three-legged jeans *

* Three at last Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * - * Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last *

I say

-* A leg and a leg and a leg for you *

* Wherever you go, whatever you do *

* A leg and a leg and a leg for you *

* However you move, however you feel *

* A leg and a leg and a leg is three for me *

* Wherever you happen to be *

* Nothing in this world is beyond your dreams *

* When you wear your three-legged jeans *

* When you wear your Leevi’s three-legged jeans *

* Three at last Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last *

-* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last *

Not any dumber than the acid wash.

* Leg *

Your Honor, I would like the medical report

on abrasions admitted as evidence.

Your Honor, I object.

This is not evidence in this case.

Sexual relations were consensual,

and any abrasions were simply the result

of my client’s larger-than-average anatomy.

Your Honor, we’ve heard this ridiculous argument,

and once again I must object to this line of defense.

Mr. Tyson’s larger-than-average anatomy,

this alleged endowment,

is unfounded and unsubstantiated.

Counsel will approach the bench.

I’m afraid I have to agree with the prosecution here.

Your Honor, my client is prepared

to support this argument.

Well, if Defense is ready to present such evidence,

you may proceed, but I caution you,

it had better be relevant to this case.

Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Tyson?

(unzips)

I’ll allow it.

Your Honor, again, I object to this line of defense.

We all know that size does not matter.

It simply doesn’t matter.

The relevance of size has never been determined

by a US Court.

Therefore...we’ll allow it.

I request permission to address the impact--

I request permission to address the impact

of this new evidence with the jury.

Oh, we have no objections.

Very well, the evidence is admitted.

The prosecution may address the jury.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the judge has ordered you to consider

this new piece of evidence.

How you consider it will be up to you.

The Defense is asking you to characterize this evidence

as exceptional, larger-than-average.

But let me caution you.

If we come to the conclusion that size is somehow relevant,

we are sending a powerful message

into every home and locker room in America.

Let us take a moment to consider the evidence.

Let’s ask ourselves, what is large?

Who among us is qualified to determine what is large?

In order to judge the evidence as larger-than-average,

we must first determine what is average.

Six inches? Five?

Let’s say a man who is 5 foot 10-1/2

and maybe...perhaps

just a smidgeon under 5 inches.

And I’m talking about just the hair.

Would that be considered average?

That certainly would be considered adequate.

But is it not true, that it isn’t the size?

It’s what you do with it.

All I’m saying is size is not important.

Believe me, I’ve heard this all my life.

Size doesn’t really matter. It’s irrelevant!

Your Honor, I object.

Sustained.

It’s not the size of the boat. It’s the motion of the ocean.

It’s a fact. We’ve all heard that.

-Your Honor? -Sustained.

All right, then I’ll rephrase it.

It doesn’t take a long hose to put out a fire.

-I object. -Sustained.

All right, I’m only saying,

it’s not the axe, it’s how you swing it.

Your Honor, please.

Announcer: Coming up on Court TV.

Testimony from John Gotti’s Manicurist.

Announcer: And now, The Arakawa Group.

A spontaneous discussion of the rich events.

With your host Yosho Arakawa.

Ohayo!

With me today are Yugi Kasamoto from the Tokyo Times.

Hai.

Kitchi Tayoka,

Director of Public Affairs for the Atari Corporation.

Hai.

And Tatsumo Watanaki, Japan’s Minister of Finance.

Hai, hai.

Gentlemen, shall we begin?

Issue Number 1:

Why are Americans so fat and stupid?

Tatsumo?

Well, first of all, I wish on behalf

of the Japanese government to apologize.

Last week, I said all American are fat and stupid.

It’s not true.

I mean to say some are fat, some are stupid.

And some, of course, are fat and stupid.

But I didn’t mean to, you know, generalize.

Can jump in?

I’ll tell you why Americans so fat.

They no eat rice. They no eat fish.

They eat double cheeseburger,

Big Mac, 36 grams fat in special sauce.

You ever see a race of people so puffy?

All that water retention in one hemisphere.

What’s that about, huh? What’s that?

Oh, it’s bad for cup reduction.

American worker arm get so fat, so big.

He can’t reach under dashboard to install speedometer.

They need more exercise.

They get plenty of exercise.

At happy hour, with this arm.

(all laughs)

Oh, oh, stop it. Stop it.

You’re killing me. You’re killing me.

Oh, my size.

Oh, okay. Hold on here.

We need some serious discussion here.

Issue number two:

Which Americans are laziest?

Yuki?

Yosho, I would have to say

autoworkers. Union. Autoworkers.

Oh, U.A.W. Okay.

Kitchi?

Judging by American illiteracy rate,

I would say baroque teachers.

Baroque teachers, definitely, laziest Americans.

Oh, come on, Kitchi.

Union Autoworkers, far lazier than baroque teachers.

True, Union Autoworker, lazy

but baroque teacher, much lazier.

Tatsumo?

I have to say Hispanic autoworker.

Wrong. Wrong. Laziest American,

postal workers on drugs.

Issue number three:

Garth Brooks. Is he lazy?

Oh, yeah. He is lazy.

His first album, very good.

His second album,

he just going through the motions.

Those tracks are sewn together.

You know who hardworking?

Mandrell Sisters.

Oh, I’m not joking. I see them in Vegas.

Louise Mandrell.

She play six instruments, all in one song.

"Foggy Mountain Breakdown".

She never letup.

Even Garth Brooks looks like Louise Mandrell,

his career go through roof.

Okay, so Garth Brooks lazy?

-Lazy. -Lazy.

Lazy.

Correct. Garth Brooks lazy.

Issue number four:

Randy Travis, lazy?

-Lazy. -Lazy.

Lazy.

Lazy.

Time to look at the monkey.

(speaks Japanese)

(all laughs)

I don’t know why-- Oh, excuse me.

Oh, it’s killing me.

Bush is not fat.

He marry a man.

(laughs)

Her neck, 42-inch.

I know why. she lazy.

She sit in bed,

eat Pepperidge foreign cookie all-day.

Her punishment,

have to sleep with George Bush.

(all laughs)

Kitchi, stop. Stop.

You slay me. You slay me.

Oh, I can’t take it.

Issue number five:

What is the worst American car?

Yuki?

-Present day or all-time? -All-time.

-Pacer. -Pacer.

Gremlin.

Uh, Gremlin. Kitchi?

’72 Chrysler interior.

Because from rear end,

it looks like a fat American woman in stretch pants.

(all laughs)

It’s true.

It’s so true.

That’s why, it’s a funny.

You can’t make this stuff up, you know?

And now it’s time for predictions.

But first, let’s look at the monkey.

(speaks Japanese)

Oh, I’ll tell you.

I’m going to be sick.

I never get tired of that.

All right. Predictions.

Yuki?

Media copiers will buy baseball hall of fame

and install Pete Rose.

Tatsumo?

In three years,

only thing on American TV will be rape trial.

Uh, Kitchi?

By 1996, all Americans will be addicted to crack.

Bush will be re-elected.

Bye-bye. Ohayou.

All: Ohayou.

(audience applaud)

Man: And now, The Sensitive Naked Man.

It’s really good to see you again, Cathy.

It’s been too long.

Well, it’s great that you stopped by.

I brought you something.

It’s a book.

Wow.

Where’d you get this?

One of those second-hand stores downtown.

It seemed like you.

So how have you been? Have you been okay?

Yeah, I’m fine.

Wait a minute. Something’s wrong.

-I can tell. -No. I’m doing great, really.

-What’s troubling you, Cathy? -Nothing. Nothing.

Hey, come on.

I can always tell when something’s bothering you.

Well, if you really want to know.

It’s that you’re not wearing any clothes.

(audience laughing)

And it really freaks me out.

Hey, come on. What’s really bothering you?

(audience laughing)

I told you. It’s your nakedness.

You never ever wear clothes, ever.

It’s really disturbing.

And I think I’d really prefer it

if you, like, went home and put something on.

If you think I’m leaving

before I find out what’s really bothering you,

you’re crazy.

Would you just, put, like, a towel on, or something?

Hey, we’re talking about everything

except what’s really bothering you, aren’t we?

(audience laughing)

Sure, I could put on a towel, or borrow your bathrobe,

but we’re not gonna find out what’s really bothering you

until you can talk about it.

(audience laughing)

Now come on.

Okay.

When I was a little girl,

my mother had a beautiful music box

that meant a lot to her.

And one day I was playing with it, and I broke it.

And I was too afraid to tell her

and I hid all the pieces away.

And she never found out what happened to it.

And now she’s dead.

Hey, hey. It’s okay.

-It wasn’t your fault. -No?

-You were just a kid. -Yeah.

-You were just a kid. -Oh, wow.

You know, I’ve never been able to tell anybody that before.

Thank you.

Come on. Let’s go get some sushi.

(audience laughing)

-No, I don’t think so. -Why not?

Because you don’t have any clothes on.

Come on, Cathy. What’s really bothering you?

(audience laughing)

You’re naked.

Tell you what?

Why don’t I go down there and get us a table,

and you can come down when you’re ready.

-Okay? -Okay.

Announcer: This has been The Sensitive Naked Man.

(audience applauding)

Announcer:Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

(audience cheering)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon,

and I’m an admitted lazy and illiterate American worker.

(audience cheering)

Well, in San Diego yesterday,

President Bush said the best way to avoid medical bills

is to stay healthy.

(audience laughing)

He also added the best way to live long is not to die.

(audience laughing)

Jeffrey Dahmer, who was accused of luring victims to his home

and drugging, killing, and dismembering them,

has changed his plea in court to "guilty but insane."

Ironically, President Bush

has also changed his campaign slogan

to "guilty but insane"

after luring voters to the polls,

misleading them, vomiting, and killing the economy.

(audience laughing)

In a survey of 1,000 Americans, 58% said they believe

that President Bush’s economic plan is a gimmick,

24% said they believe it’s a gizmo

and 18% believe it’s just one of those doohickeys.

(audience laughing)

Well, Boris Yeltsin visited the U.S., Canada,

and Britain this week.

Russia claims it wasn’t an official or planned visit

but merely Boris wandering around in a drunken stupor.

(audience laughing)

It was learned this week

that 62-year-old PLO leader Yassir Arafar

has finally settled down

and married his 28-year-old secretary.

Sorry, ladies.

(audience laughing)

Too bad.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Gennifer Flowers

gave presidential hopeful Bill Clinton a nine

as a lover.

She said it would have been a 10

except he had no healthcare plan.

(audience laughing)

Well, the New Hampshire primary is heating up

and like most Americans,

I don’t make my final choice of who Ill vote for

until the evening gown and swimsuit part

of the competition.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II celebrated 40 years

on the throne this week.

She might want to try some laxatives.

Well, this week, the Haitian boat people

were ordered back to Haiti

from the Guantanamo Bay refugee camp in Cuba.

Just returned from Port of Prince, Haiti

is our star Caribbean reporter Crystal Blue Persuasion.

Crystal, how is it going over there?

(audience applauding)

Crys.

Things are terrible, Kevin, you know?

You see, I don’t know how we could have let them people

go back to that backwood godforsaken country.

Haiti puts the back, back in backwoods.

You know, I have seen more concern for holes in the ozone

and for "Where’s Waldo" than for human beings.

But you know, I told them, Haitians, you know,

I said, "Nobody cares about you

’cause number one, you speak French, okay?"

We hate the French in America, you know?

They’re snotty and they don’t wash and--

and their language.

It don’t make sense, you know.

It don’t spell the way it sounds.

Oui. Oui. O-U-I. Oui.

O-U-I spells owi.

What, them never hear of phonics?

And number two, nobody cares

because you don’t have no famous movie star spokesperson.

Them crippled children, them have Jerry Lewis.

Stray animals have Betty White.

And you know why them Cubans are here in this country right now?

Two words, Ricky Ricardo.

Trust me now,

if Jacques Cousteau was Haitian,

them refugees would be in New York right now.

See, I’m Jamaican. Why do you think I’m here, huh?

Why do you think 1.5 million Jamaicans are here right now?

Because we give you so much.

We give you Jamaican beef patties.

We give you reggae.

We give you the whole Marley family.

Bob Marley, Rita, Ziggy.

And two words, Harry Belafonte.

I rest my case.

Thank you, Crystal Blue Persuasion.

Thank you, Crystal.

Well said. I Thank you. Certainly. Certainly.

Well, hundreds of spectators

watched on groundhog’s day Sunday

as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole,

saw his shadow and was shot dead by Pat Buchanan,

indicating no more weeks of winter, spring, summer or fall

for the groundhog.

You know, there’s been a lot of people throughout history

who’ve eventually died.

There are at least six criminal cases

being tried in U.S. courts this week.

Noriega, Dr. Kevorkian, Jeffrey Dahmer,

Mike Tyson, the LAPD, and John Gatti.

Fortunately, all the verdicts are in.

And here they are, in no particular order.

Guilty, not guilty, not guilty, not guilty,

guilty, guilty but insane.

Tough one, Mike.

Well, one of the witnesses at the Mike Tyson trial said

that when Tyson came on to her,

she got rid of him by simply giving him the phone number

for the weather.

Testifying next week that Tyson also harassed her

will be the weather lady.

Larry Holmes defeated Ray Mercer in a 12-round fight last night.

The win will now pit Holmes against George Forman

in what’s being termed the Angina in Carolina.

(clears throat)

You know, there are a lot of people out there.

Well, it seems the JFK controversy just won’t die.

New evidence backing the lone gunman’s single bullet theory

was uncovered today.

The Warrant commission concluded

that a single bullet entered Kennedy’s shoulder,

made a quick left and then a quick right,

out of his throat into the armpit of Governor Connally,

even through Connally’s wrist

and then into his-his knee right here.

The bullet then lodged onto a nearby freight train,

traveling to Dallas Airport,

onto a plane over to Italy,

hanging out there for a few years

and then continuing its path

into the body of Pope John Paul II.

After disappearing for some time,

it suddenly showed up in Albradril, France today

where it will compete in the men’s downhill slalom.

It’s not known if the bullet will be representing Cuba,

the Mafia or the CIA.

This year, the International Olympic Committee announced

there would be stricter rules and regulations

at the 16th Winter Olympic games.

During the opening ceremonies,

six musicians were promptly hung after hitting two wrong notes.

Every year, thousands of people from all over the world

have flocked to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

Here to fill us in on what to expect

from this years Mardi Gras is Weekend Update’s Cajun Man.

Hello, Cajun Man.

Kevon.

Now I bet at the Mardi Gras,

there’s a lot of Cajun food, huh?

Onion.

Hmm, that sounds good.

Now what is--what is the Mardi Gras all about?

Celebration.

Folks get pretty happy down there, don’t they?

Intoxication.

There’s so many people down there, I heard, too.

-I bet it’s hard to find a hotel room, isn’t it? -Make reservation.

Well, good idea.

Any hotel rooms you might recommend?

The Hilton.

Hmm.

They have good entertainment down there?

Magician.

Great. Great.

I guess you’ll be drinking a few beers yourself down there,

won’t you?

Rehabilitation.

But you were--you were just having a drink back stage.

Fell off the wagon.

-Well, we all have our weaknesses, I guess. -Only human.

Uh, maybe we should just change the subject.

-Let’s move on. -Sorry.

Anyways, they got those wild parades at Mardi Gras,

I bet you could meet some pretty beautiful women, huh?

On occasion.

I understand that you were hanging out

with a pretty exotic dancer last year,

what happened there?

Infection.

That’s kind of tough.

-You took care of that? -Oh, yeah, penicillin.

Well, I hope this year, you’re gonna make sure to--

Use a Trojan.

I’m just glad that you learned a valuable lesson, Cajun Man.

Me, too, Nealon.

All right. Thanks, Cajun Man.

By the way, if I’m down there,

what’s your room number at the Hilton?

7-11.

-Guess I should have known that. -Yes, dumb question.

-Cajun Man, everyone. -Kevin Nealon.

Rumors of a mutually beneficial agreement

between the U.S. and Japan surfaced this week.

According to the reports,

the plan suggests that we will agree to stop building cars

if the Japanese agree to stop driving them.

And Mattel now reports that the most popular toy in America

is a Piñata in the shape of Japan.

As a gesture of goodwill,

France is sending New York City six public pay toilets.

The toilets will replace the Statue of Liberty.

Give me your tired, your poor, your got-to-go masses.

On the medical front, the FDA continues to sanction

the use of saline breast implants for women,

saying the saline implants are not only safe

but if your husband or boyfriends gets a sore throat,

he can gargle your breasts.

You know, in closing, uh, in closing,

I’d like to add a brief footnote about all the Japan bashing

across the country.

As an American, I think that this behavior

is an outright shame fashion, basham,

and to be honest with you,

I don’t really want to be involved in any way, ringleader.

Now when Japan’s Prime Minister said Americans lack work ethics

and were lazy, cheap shot,

all he meant was we should learn to work properly

from Monday to Friday, too long.

I say let’s stop being so insensitive

to the Japanese, bastards.

Let’s face it,

our failing economy is not their fault, George Bush.

I don’t know, maybe we could learn something

from the Japanese, sneak attack.

I mean, they’re-- you know.

I’m speaking from my heart.

Actually, they’re very diligent workers, anal retentive,

and that I think should-should count

for at least something, buy American.

I’m Kevin Nealon, big star, and that’s news to me.

Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts

by Jack Handey.

Jack Handey: If you ever go temporarily insane,

don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.

Instead, try to get some weeding done,

because you’d really be surprised.

Well, I just want to tell you

that I’ve had a wonderful time tonight.

We’ve got to thank Faith and Jeff for introducing us.

They kept saying, "You guys are perfect for each other."

I am so glad.

I’ve had a really nice time, too.

I really like the movie.

You didn’t see me before you picked me up.

I was so nervous.

I was like, woo! woo!

Well, me, too.

I was in my car on my way to your house

and I was like (gibbers)

-Excuse me, are you ready for dessert? -Yeah.

I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you.

We’re short for a few people in the kitchen

and I’m just like, ahh!

(audience laughing)

And we also, we don’t have all of our desserts tonight.

-We’re trying out a new chef. -Well, don’t work him too hard.

Next thing you know, you’ll go in the back

and you’ll be in the kitchen there

and you go, "slash, slash." (grunts)

(audience laughing)

-I’ll have the sundae. -Well, I’ll have the same.

All right, thank you.

Well, you know, Karen,

like I said before, I was nervous, too.

But when I saw you, it was like (grunts).

(audience laughing)

Oh, I know.

I saw you get out of your car from my apartment window

and I was like--

(audience laughing)

-Are you okay? -Yes.

Okay, oh, would you like nuts on your sundae?

Yes.

-How about you, sir? -No, no, no.

I’m allergic to nuts.

If I--if I have nuts in my food,

I’m like (screams),

buttons, buttons.

( retching ) Refuse.

Sorry.

Well, enjoy.

So how long have you known Faith and Jeff?

Oh, a long time, you know.

And Faith is really neat.

But Jeff is like (gibbers)

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

-Exactly. Exactly. -Yeah.

You know, Faith and I dated for a short time.

But luckily, we remain friends.

-Did it get serious? -Well, it did.

Once we were kissing and fooling around in my car

and the next thing you know, it was (gibbers)

Yeah! (gibbers)

-Really? -Yeah.

Did you really have a good time tonight?

-Yes, everything has been great. -Good.

You know, I was kind of embarrassed

when that drunk on the street tried to talk to you.

Oh, I know. He was so disgusting.

He was like--

(makes farting sound)

Thank you and I was like, "Oh, let’s get out of here."

(laughs)

Oh, you know, speaking of which, we should get going.

-I have to go to work tomorrow. -Yeah.

I really have had a great time, you know?

Oh, yeah. Well, me, too.

I--I think I love you.

-Excuse me, what? -I think I love you.

I don’t understand.

When I look at you, I’m like (imitates beating sound)

Please don’t say that.

When somebody says that to me,

I’m like whoosh!

I’m sorry, I didn’t go (imitates beating sound)

to make you go whoosh!

’cause I’m not (grunts)

And I didn’t go (imitates beating sound)

so that I could go (gibbers)

Yeah!

Or honk, honk!

(laughter)

So, uh, forget I said anything, okay?

And, well, let’s--let’s just take it slow.

I like that.

Why don’t we get the--

-I’m sorry, what? -The, uh--

-No. -The check?

Yes.

Oh, right, yes. The check, of course.

I’ll take that whenever you’re ready.

All right.

(grunting)

(audience cheering)

Oh, my God! Susan Dey! I can’t believe it.

You are a muse to me!

You know, I have loved you

ever since you were at a partridge in a pear tree.

I can’t believe, you know, I was making a joke.

-That was funny. -Thank you.

-That’s very sweet of you. -Oh, no, no. Wait a minute.

You know, something? I am so jealous of you

because you’ve got to sleep with Victor Sifuentes

every single week.

I could kill myself, you know.

I know, it’s really sexy

-but, you know, we didn’t really-- -I don’t want to hear it.

So you are a real sister now, you know that?

(speaks Spanish) sister of the blood.

-I’m--I’m afraid I don’t understand. -You know, see,

after you sleep with a Spanish guy,

then you are (speaks Spanish)

A sister forever.

Oh, oh, well, that’s very flattering.

But you see, we really didn’t--

You know something, don’t you hate it,

like, when you’re sleeping with a Spanish guy, right,

and he starts to call you, "Mommy."

-Don’t you hate it? -What?

You know, he’s saying, "Ay, mommy, ay, ay, ay, mommy."

Don’t you hate that?

-Who are you? -Oh, I’m Zorraida.

Zorraida, get a grip. We were just acting.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, okay.

If you was acting, then how come you got pregnant?

Explain that. And then--

By the way, whatever happened to that baby anyways?

-(speaks Spanish) -How do I get this through you?

I did not sleep with Victor Sifuentes or Jimmy Smiths, okay?

Okay. You don’t have to get loud at me.

I wasn’t getting loud.

Oh, you wasn’t getting loud

like you didn’t sleep with Jimmy Smiths, huh?

Oh, shut up.

Excuse me? No, no, no, what did you say?

And what-- Who are you talking to?

Excuse me? You think you’re better than me?

You think you’re better than me?

Remember, your family used to sleep in a bus.

That’s right. That’s right.

Oh, you think-- What makes you think, I work hard, too.

-(speaks Spanish) -(audience applauding)

You know, I may not be a major art critic or anything,

but I really like this painting.

Wow. You know, I may be just an arrogant, bandwagon-jumping,

yuppie lawyer who knows nothing about art,

but I fool myself into thinking

people feel my opinion is important,

so I’m compelled to give one.

-Crap. -(audience laughs)

Now hold on a second.

I know I’m just a bored housewife

who only came in here to buy a museum tote bag

so that people on my city bus

-will think I’m cultured. -(audience laughs)

But by initiating a conversation with me,

you’ve given me the opportunity to run my big, fat yapper

and annoy somebody besides my husband and children

for a change.

I think it’s very good.

You remind me of my mother.

-I am leaving the museum. -(audience applauds)

Wait. I’ll go with you.

Look at this one.

You know, even though I’m in college

majoring in Art History,

I still know nothing about art,

due mainly for the fact that I chose that major,

not to learn, but rather to get revenge on my parents.

(Crowd laughing)

In addition to my choice of major,

I’m doing other things to upset and irritate them,

such as dating a black man,

and shaving the side of my head.

It reminds me of that dot-painting guy.

I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying.

I, like you, majored in Art History,

but I enjoyed it, or, at least,

created the illusion I liked it because I had to.

As a left-wing, PBS-watching,

pottery-making gay activist...

(Crowd laughing)

it was expected that I enjoy it along with foreign films

and goatees.

And now for my predictable, pretentious opinion

on this painting, it’s revolting.

Really?

Well, before we get into a fight over this,

I’m going to interrupt this conversation

by dragging this spoiled white freak

over to the Banana Republic to buy me some new clothes,

and maybe a belt, so I can tie her up later

and make her moo like a cow.

(crowd cheering) (applause)

Fifteen minutes to closing!

Fifteen minutes, and the gallery will be closed.

You know, even though I’ve worked here for 8 years,

I never really had the time to enjoy

looking at the paintings.

I guess I’m just too busy loafing around.

And dreaming about 5:00 PM,

when I can punch the clock and haul my fat ass home

to my place in Queens and watch "Growing Pains".

(Crowd laughing)

With a six-pack of Pabst’s Blue Ribbon

and a box of Dunkin Donuts on my lap.

(Crowd laughing)

I just wish I had the intellectual capacity

to form an opinion on this painting.

But tragically, any brain cells I might have had

are long gone through years of neglect and decay.

(Crowd laughing)

Fifteen minutes to closing.

You know, I don’t even know I’m in a museum right now.

I don’t even know my name.

I’m just excited I’m in a building

that contains so many people.

Watch me pull down my pants

and run past those kind folks praising over there,

and scare them to death.

Here goes nothing.

Woo-hoo! I’m naked. I’m naked. Woo-hoo!

(crowd cheering) (applause)

Well, what more could we do.

(crowd cheering) (applause)

On behalf of everyone here in Studio 88,

from "Saturday Night Live",

we would like to welcome into this world

Mr. Birgen Hartman.

Yeah.

(crowd cheering) (applause)

I’ve had a great time. I’ve had a great time.

Bye-bye. Thank you.

(crowd cheering) (applause)