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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:15,515 Michael, I understand an appeal has been filed? 2 00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:16,883 That’s right. 3 00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:18,551 On what grounds, Michael? 4 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,554 Surprise evidence from the District Attorney. 5 00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,424 Abusive discretion for not calling a mistrial. 6 00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:26,026 Doesn’t Williams owe us money? 7 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:27,427 So? 8 00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:29,596 Well, don’t you think he should pay for the last trial 9 00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,264 before we start a whole new one? 10 00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,433 Come on, Douglas. 11 00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:37,270 Well, helping the less fortunate doesn’t pay the bills. 12 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:38,438 Jonathan? 13 00:00:38,471 --> 00:00:41,775 Well, we have a new development 14 00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:45,111 in the wrongful death case against Santa Monica General. 15 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,948 It seems the medical examiner has new findings. 16 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,950 New findings? Tell us about it. 17 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,619 Well-- 18 00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:57,590 (audience cheering) 19 00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,895 Leland. 20 00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,663 Leland, what is this? 21 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,066 Grace, sit down, please. 22 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,435 I think I deserve an answer. 23 00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,104 Roger Ballantine from Security Chemical called. 24 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,939 He told me that you’ve agreed to represent 25 00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:14,774 the Park View Condos. 26 00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,776 Of course, I’m going to represent them. 27 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,580 Malaney is not the only person who can do pro bono around here. 28 00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:24,084 Grace, Roger Ballantine has been with this firm for 17 years. 29 00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,853 Leland, I’m not backing off this one. 30 00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,356 So you’d better think about this and let me know 31 00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,825 if you still want me as a partner in this firm. 32 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,097 Hi. Excuse me. 33 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,666 Ernie said sorry, he’s running a little late. 34 00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,104 Grace, I hope you’ll reconsider. 35 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,106 Is this a bad time? 36 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,376 I have made my decision. 37 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,711 Do you want me to run that off for you? 38 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:54,848 No. I’ll run them off myself. 39 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,293 Grace. 40 00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:18,471 The Grace lady making copies. 41 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,341 Hi, Rich. 42 00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:24,477 Princess Grace back from Graceland. 43 00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:29,182 Yep, that’s me, making copies. 44 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,818 Grace Van Owen. 45 00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:36,356 Well, this is my last copy, Richard. 46 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:40,326 All right, no more copies for the Partridge girl. 47 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,132 Hey, that was a long time ago. 48 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,936 Laurie Partridge not really playing the keyboard. 49 00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:54,341 Not even plugged in. 50 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,346 No electricity for the Partridgenator. 51 00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,048 Rich, shut up. 52 00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,353 Benny. 53 00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:11,057 Hey, Rich, what’s going on? 54 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,828 The Bun Man, not really retarded. 55 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,831 Just a little slow. 56 00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,667 Living life in the slow lane. 57 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,503 The slowmeister. 58 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,338 Hey, Richmeister! 59 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,341 Just once could something come out of your mouth 60 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,344 that makes some kind of sense? 61 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,346 Okay. 62 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:37,183 Live from New York, it’s "Saturday Night!" 63 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:42,155 (audience applauding) 64 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,105 Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live. 65 00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:06,312 With Dana Carvey, 66 00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,815 Chris Farley, 67 00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:11,818 Phil Hartman, 68 00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:14,654 Victoria Jackson, 69 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,657 Mike Myers, 70 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,660 Kevin Nealon, 71 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,329 Chris Rock, 72 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,465 Julia Sweeney, 73 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:30,070 with Ellen Cleghorne, 74 00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,505 Siobhan Fallon, 75 00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,808 Tim Meadows, 76 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:39,846 Adam Sandler, 77 00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,849 Rob Schneider, 78 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:44,851 David Spade, 79 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:48,521 and featuring Beth Cahill, 80 00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:50,857 Melanie Hutsell, 81 00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:54,694 G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band. 82 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:58,832 Musical Guest, C+C Music Factory. 83 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,838 And starring Susan Dey. 84 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:17,450 Ladies and gentlemen, Susan Dey! 85 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:38,171 Thank you! 86 00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,840 Thank you very, very much. Thank you. 87 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:44,844 I am really looking forward to doing live television. 88 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,847 (audience cheering) 89 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,516 I know it’s a cliché, 90 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,519 but I am one of those people who grew up on television. 91 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,521 For four years, I was Laurie Partridge 92 00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,523 of "The Partridge Family." 93 00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:01,194 (audience cheering) 94 00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:04,030 You know, I’d like to think I broke some ground there. 95 00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,032 Not because I was a female musician 96 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,034 competing in a man’s world. 97 00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,538 But because I was the first teenager 98 00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:15,041 in primetime to wear a pantsuit and-- 99 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,876 (audience cheering) 100 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:20,213 And, of course, the Partridge band suit. 101 00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,048 And Laurie was-- 102 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,051 Laurie was a good girl who got good grades, 103 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,054 but underneath it all, you suspect that she might be 104 00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,724 just a little hot. 105 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,060 And now, as Grace Van Owen, 106 00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:38,398 I wear business suits and business suits. 107 00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:41,735 And she’s a good lawyer who does the right thing, 108 00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:45,071 the politically correct thing, 109 00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,908 and underneath it all is just a little hot. 110 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:52,412 (audience cheering) 111 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,381 But tonight-- 112 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:07,127 Tonight, I’m wearing my own suit... 113 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,463 (audience cheering) 114 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:13,033 Because... 115 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,468 this is not about a law firm 116 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:18,038 or a family. 117 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,041 This is my show. 118 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,476 I even have my own musical guest. 119 00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,644 That’s right. 120 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:27,814 C+C Music Factory is here tonight. 121 00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,816 (audience cheering) 122 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,818 So don’t go away. 123 00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,320 My show will be right back! 124 00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:38,291 (audience cheering) 125 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,967 * One and one and one is more than two * 126 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,637 * You’ll be amazed what you can do * 127 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:53,640 * You’ll understand what freedom means * 128 00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:56,643 * When you wear your three-legged jeans * 129 00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:59,145 * When you wear your Leevi’s three-legged jeans * 130 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,314 * Three at last Three at last * 131 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,150 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last * 132 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,020 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * - * Three at last * 133 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,023 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last * 134 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,025 I say 135 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,626 -* A leg and a leg and a leg for you * 136 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,128 * Wherever you go, whatever you do * 137 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,629 * A leg and a leg and a leg for you * 138 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,131 * However you move, however you feel * 139 00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,033 * A leg and a leg and a leg is three for me * 140 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,768 * Wherever you happen to be * 141 00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,639 * Nothing in this world is beyond your dreams * 142 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,642 * When you wear your three-legged jeans * 143 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,245 * When you wear your Leevi’s three-legged jeans * 144 00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,314 * Three at last Three at last * 145 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,150 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last * 146 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:40,153 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last * 147 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,156 -* A leg and a leg and a leg * -* Three at last * 148 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,158 Not any dumber than the acid wash. 149 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,127 * Leg * 150 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,538 Your Honor, I would like the medical report 151 00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,374 on abrasions admitted as evidence. 152 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,376 Your Honor, I object. 153 00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,046 This is not evidence in this case. 154 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,548 Sexual relations were consensual, 155 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,051 and any abrasions were simply the result 156 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:15,488 of my client’s larger-than-average anatomy. 157 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,825 Your Honor, we’ve heard this ridiculous argument, 158 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,028 and once again I must object to this line of defense. 159 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,331 Mr. Tyson’s larger-than-average anatomy, 160 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,334 this alleged endowment, 161 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,670 is unfounded and unsubstantiated. 162 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,306 Counsel will approach the bench. 163 00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,480 I’m afraid I have to agree with the prosecution here. 164 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,649 Your Honor, my client is prepared 165 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,784 to support this argument. 166 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:49,489 Well, if Defense is ready to present such evidence, 167 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,825 you may proceed, but I caution you, 168 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,661 it had better be relevant to this case. 169 00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,130 Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Tyson? 170 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,436 (unzips) 171 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,318 I’ll allow it. 172 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,359 Your Honor, again, I object to this line of defense. 173 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,862 We all know that size does not matter. 174 00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,497 It simply doesn’t matter. 175 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,369 The relevance of size has never been determined 176 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,205 by a US Court. 177 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,676 Therefore...we’ll allow it. 178 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,013 I request permission to address the impact-- 179 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,051 I request permission to address the impact 180 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,053 of this new evidence with the jury. 181 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,021 Oh, we have no objections. 182 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,692 Very well, the evidence is admitted. 183 00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:01,327 The prosecution may address the jury. 184 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,300 Ladies and gentlemen... 185 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:15,175 the judge has ordered you to consider 186 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,811 this new piece of evidence. 187 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:22,148 How you consider it will be up to you. 188 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:29,689 The Defense is asking you to characterize this evidence 189 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,826 as exceptional, larger-than-average. 190 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,097 But let me caution you. 191 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,533 If we come to the conclusion that size is somehow relevant, 192 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,536 we are sending a powerful message 193 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,840 into every home and locker room in America. 194 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,012 Let us take a moment to consider the evidence. 195 00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:59,119 Let’s ask ourselves, what is large? 196 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:03,189 Who among us is qualified to determine what is large? 197 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:15,068 In order to judge the evidence as larger-than-average, 198 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:20,173 we must first determine what is average. 199 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:24,177 Six inches? Five? 200 00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:27,347 Let’s say a man who is 5 foot 10-1/2 201 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,517 and maybe...perhaps 202 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:34,087 just a smidgeon under 5 inches. 203 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,989 And I’m talking about just the hair. 204 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:40,160 Would that be considered average? 205 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,500 That certainly would be considered adequate. 206 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:56,876 But is it not true, that it isn’t the size? 207 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,845 It’s what you do with it. 208 00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:06,553 All I’m saying is size is not important. 209 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,222 Believe me, I’ve heard this all my life. 210 00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:11,391 Size doesn’t really matter. It’s irrelevant! 211 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,059 Your Honor, I object. 212 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,062 Sustained. 213 00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,064 It’s not the size of the boat. It’s the motion of the ocean. 214 00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:19,499 It’s a fact. We’ve all heard that. 215 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,701 -Your Honor? -Sustained. 216 00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:24,437 All right, then I’ll rephrase it. 217 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,439 It doesn’t take a long hose to put out a fire. 218 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,242 -I object. -Sustained. 219 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,178 All right, I’m only saying, 220 00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,914 it’s not the axe, it’s how you swing it. 221 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,883 Your Honor, please. 222 00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,354 Announcer: Coming up on Court TV. 223 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,823 Testimony from John Gotti’s Manicurist. 224 00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,500 Announcer: And now, The Arakawa Group. 225 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,336 A spontaneous discussion of the rich events. 226 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,139 With your host Yosho Arakawa. 227 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:01,875 Ohayo! 228 00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:05,045 With me today are Yugi Kasamoto from the Tokyo Times. 229 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,713 Hai. 230 00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:08,081 Kitchi Tayoka, 231 00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:10,583 Director of Public Affairs for the Atari Corporation. 232 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,252 Hai. 233 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:15,422 And Tatsumo Watanaki, Japan’s Minister of Finance. 234 00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,057 Hai, hai. 235 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:22,062 Gentlemen, shall we begin? 236 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,663 Issue Number 1: 237 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,132 Why are Americans so fat and stupid? 238 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,835 Tatsumo? 239 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,171 Well, first of all, I wish on behalf 240 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,506 of the Japanese government to apologize. 241 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,676 Last week, I said all American are fat and stupid. 242 00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,078 It’s not true. 243 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,814 I mean to say some are fat, some are stupid. 244 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:46,453 And some, of course, are fat and stupid. 245 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,922 But I didn’t mean to, you know, generalize. 246 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,858 Can jump in? 247 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,695 I’ll tell you why Americans so fat. 248 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,199 They no eat rice. They no eat fish. 249 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,868 They eat double cheeseburger, 250 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:05,739 Big Mac, 36 grams fat in special sauce. 251 00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,575 You ever see a race of people so puffy? 252 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,245 All that water retention in one hemisphere. 253 00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:14,748 What’s that about, huh? What’s that? 254 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,717 Oh, it’s bad for cup reduction. 255 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,653 American worker arm get so fat, so big. 256 00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:24,157 He can’t reach under dashboard to install speedometer. 257 00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,626 They need more exercise. 258 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,262 They get plenty of exercise. 259 00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:32,065 At happy hour, with this arm. 260 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,068 (all laughs) 261 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,469 Oh, oh, stop it. Stop it. 262 00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,405 You’re killing me. You’re killing me. 263 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,273 Oh, my size. 264 00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,576 Oh, okay. Hold on here. 265 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,079 We need some serious discussion here. 266 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,480 Issue number two: 267 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,082 Which Americans are laziest? 268 00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,083 Yuki? 269 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,552 Yosho, I would have to say 270 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,989 autoworkers. Union. Autoworkers. 271 00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,557 Oh, U.A.W. Okay. 272 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,692 Kitchi? 273 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,861 Judging by American illiteracy rate, 274 00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:04,230 I would say baroque teachers. 275 00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,500 Baroque teachers, definitely, laziest Americans. 276 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:08,868 Oh, come on, Kitchi. 277 00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:12,605 Union Autoworkers, far lazier than baroque teachers. 278 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,708 True, Union Autoworker, lazy 279 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:17,410 but baroque teacher, much lazier. 280 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,045 Tatsumo? 281 00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:22,682 I have to say Hispanic autoworker. 282 00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,652 Wrong. Wrong. Laziest American, 283 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,287 postal workers on drugs. 284 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,156 Issue number three: 285 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,692 Garth Brooks. Is he lazy? 286 00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:35,295 Oh, yeah. He is lazy. 287 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,530 His first album, very good. 288 00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,065 His second album, 289 00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:42,769 he just going through the motions. 290 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,205 Those tracks are sewn together. 291 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,639 You know who hardworking? 292 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,074 Mandrell Sisters. 293 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,145 Oh, I’m not joking. I see them in Vegas. 294 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,313 Louise Mandrell. 295 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,616 She play six instruments, all in one song. 296 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,718 "Foggy Mountain Breakdown". 297 00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,521 She never letup. 298 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,024 Even Garth Brooks looks like Louise Mandrell, 299 00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,026 his career go through roof. 300 00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,461 Okay, so Garth Brooks lazy? 301 00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:10,130 -Lazy. -Lazy. 302 00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,131 Lazy. 303 00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,499 Correct. Garth Brooks lazy. 304 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,733 Issue number four: 305 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,635 Randy Travis, lazy? 306 00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:17,303 -Lazy. -Lazy. 307 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:18,304 Lazy. 308 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,305 Lazy. 309 00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,807 Time to look at the monkey. 310 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,209 (speaks Japanese) 311 00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,948 (all laughs) 312 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,818 I don’t know why-- Oh, excuse me. 313 00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,053 Oh, it’s killing me. 314 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,622 Bush is not fat. 315 00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,157 He marry a man. 316 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,626 (laughs) 317 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,062 Her neck, 42-inch. 318 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,897 I know why. she lazy. 319 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,098 She sit in bed, 320 00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:47,067 eat Pepperidge foreign cookie all-day. 321 00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,069 Her punishment, 322 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,870 have to sleep with George Bush. 323 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,072 (all laughs) 324 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:53,239 Kitchi, stop. Stop. 325 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,775 You slay me. You slay me. 326 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,510 Oh, I can’t take it. 327 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:58,745 Issue number five: 328 00:17:58,778 --> 00:17:59,846 What is the worst American car? 329 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,848 Yuki? 330 00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,751 -Present day or all-time? -All-time. 331 00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,220 -Pacer. -Pacer. 332 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,789 Gremlin. 333 00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:11,825 Uh, Gremlin. Kitchi? 334 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,928 ’72 Chrysler interior. 335 00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:16,262 Because from rear end, 336 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,866 it looks like a fat American woman in stretch pants. 337 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:24,037 (all laughs) 338 00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,071 It’s true. 339 00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,040 It’s so true. 340 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,642 That’s why, it’s a funny. 341 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,811 You can’t make this stuff up, you know? 342 00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,714 And now it’s time for predictions. 343 00:18:34,748 --> 00:18:37,050 But first, let’s look at the monkey. 344 00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:41,287 (speaks Japanese) 345 00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:44,090 Oh, I’ll tell you. 346 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,592 I’m going to be sick. 347 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,727 I never get tired of that. 348 00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:48,895 All right. Predictions. 349 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,163 Yuki? 350 00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:55,101 Media copiers will buy baseball hall of fame 351 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,170 and install Pete Rose. 352 00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,071 Tatsumo? 353 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,339 In three years, 354 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:03,009 only thing on American TV will be rape trial. 355 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,210 Uh, Kitchi? 356 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:08,748 By 1996, all Americans will be addicted to crack. 357 00:19:08,782 --> 00:19:10,917 Bush will be re-elected. 358 00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,552 Bye-bye. Ohayou. 359 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,653 All: Ohayou. 360 00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:18,625 (audience applaud) 361 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:40,180 Man: And now, The Sensitive Naked Man. 362 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:43,049 It’s really good to see you again, Cathy. 363 00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:44,250 It’s been too long. 364 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,319 Well, it’s great that you stopped by. 365 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,390 I brought you something. 366 00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:52,559 It’s a book. 367 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,395 Wow. 368 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:57,897 Where’d you get this? 369 00:19:57,931 --> 00:20:00,500 One of those second-hand stores downtown. 370 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,702 It seemed like you. 371 00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:05,105 So how have you been? Have you been okay? 372 00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,043 Yeah, I’m fine. 373 00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,779 Wait a minute. Something’s wrong. 374 00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:17,050 -I can tell. -No. I’m doing great, really. 375 00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,887 -What’s troubling you, Cathy? -Nothing. Nothing. 376 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,255 Hey, come on. 377 00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:26,393 I can always tell when something’s bothering you. 378 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:30,697 Well, if you really want to know. 379 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,799 It’s that you’re not wearing any clothes. 380 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,401 (audience laughing) 381 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,437 And it really freaks me out. 382 00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:40,173 Hey, come on. What’s really bothering you? 383 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:41,341 (audience laughing) 384 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:46,179 I told you. It’s your nakedness. 385 00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:50,850 You never ever wear clothes, ever. 386 00:20:50,884 --> 00:20:53,253 It’s really disturbing. 387 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,888 And I think I’d really prefer it 388 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,791 if you, like, went home and put something on. 389 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,560 If you think I’m leaving 390 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,563 before I find out what’s really bothering you, 391 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,065 you’re crazy. 392 00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:10,070 Would you just, put, like, a towel on, or something? 393 00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,504 Hey, we’re talking about everything 394 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,206 except what’s really bothering you, aren’t we? 395 00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,607 (audience laughing) 396 00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:18,611 Sure, I could put on a towel, or borrow your bathrobe, 397 00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,081 but we’re not gonna find out what’s really bothering you 398 00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,550 until you can talk about it. 399 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:26,319 (audience laughing) 400 00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:27,420 Now come on. 401 00:21:33,927 --> 00:21:37,097 Okay. 402 00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:39,799 When I was a little girl, 403 00:21:39,833 --> 00:21:42,435 my mother had a beautiful music box 404 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:45,638 that meant a lot to her. 405 00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:49,876 And one day I was playing with it, and I broke it. 406 00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:52,112 And I was too afraid to tell her 407 00:21:52,112 --> 00:21:56,883 and I hid all the pieces away. 408 00:21:56,916 --> 00:22:00,687 And she never found out what happened to it. 409 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,722 And now she’s dead. 410 00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:06,893 Hey, hey. It’s okay. 411 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:09,562 -It wasn’t your fault. -No? 412 00:22:09,596 --> 00:22:11,531 -You were just a kid. -Yeah. 413 00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:16,536 -You were just a kid. -Oh, wow. 414 00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:21,341 You know, I’ve never been able to tell anybody that before. 415 00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,443 Thank you. 416 00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:25,879 Come on. Let’s go get some sushi. 417 00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:27,447 (audience laughing) 418 00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,151 -No, I don’t think so. -Why not? 419 00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:33,987 Because you don’t have any clothes on. 420 00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:37,190 Come on, Cathy. What’s really bothering you? 421 00:22:37,223 --> 00:22:39,092 (audience laughing) 422 00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:40,093 You’re naked. 423 00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:44,097 Tell you what? 424 00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:46,766 Why don’t I go down there and get us a table, 425 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,435 and you can come down when you’re ready. 426 00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:50,570 -Okay? -Okay. 427 00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:06,353 Announcer: This has been The Sensitive Naked Man. 428 00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:08,555 (audience applauding) 429 00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:19,933 Announcer:Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon. 430 00:23:19,966 --> 00:23:22,736 (audience cheering) 431 00:23:30,377 --> 00:23:32,112 Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon, 432 00:23:32,145 --> 00:23:35,081 and I’m an admitted lazy and illiterate American worker. 433 00:23:35,115 --> 00:23:39,686 (audience cheering) 434 00:23:39,719 --> 00:23:41,087 Well, in San Diego yesterday, 435 00:23:41,121 --> 00:23:43,189 President Bush said the best way to avoid medical bills 436 00:23:43,223 --> 00:23:44,290 is to stay healthy. 437 00:23:44,324 --> 00:23:45,692 (audience laughing) 438 00:23:45,725 --> 00:23:48,628 He also added the best way to live long is not to die. 439 00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:52,098 (audience laughing) 440 00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:54,768 Jeffrey Dahmer, who was accused of luring victims to his home 441 00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,770 and drugging, killing, and dismembering them, 442 00:23:56,803 --> 00:24:00,073 has changed his plea in court to "guilty but insane." 443 00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:01,274 Ironically, President Bush 444 00:24:01,307 --> 00:24:02,909 has also changed his campaign slogan 445 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,110 to "guilty but insane" 446 00:24:04,144 --> 00:24:05,945 after luring voters to the polls, 447 00:24:06,046 --> 00:24:08,415 misleading them, vomiting, and killing the economy. 448 00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,850 (audience laughing) 449 00:24:10,884 --> 00:24:14,187 In a survey of 1,000 Americans, 58% said they believe 450 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:16,690 that President Bush’s economic plan is a gimmick, 451 00:24:16,723 --> 00:24:19,259 24% said they believe it’s a gizmo 452 00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:22,562 and 18% believe it’s just one of those doohickeys. 453 00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,665 (audience laughing) 454 00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:28,068 Well, Boris Yeltsin visited the U.S., Canada, 455 00:24:28,068 --> 00:24:29,402 and Britain this week. 456 00:24:29,436 --> 00:24:31,638 Russia claims it wasn’t an official or planned visit 457 00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:34,341 but merely Boris wandering around in a drunken stupor. 458 00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:39,145 (audience laughing) 459 00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:40,213 It was learned this week 460 00:24:40,246 --> 00:24:43,483 that 62-year-old PLO leader Yassir Arafar 461 00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:44,718 has finally settled down 462 00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:47,387 and married his 28-year-old secretary. 463 00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:48,922 Sorry, ladies. 464 00:24:48,955 --> 00:24:52,292 (audience laughing) 465 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:53,293 Too bad. 466 00:24:56,329 --> 00:24:57,997 On a scale of 1 to 10, Gennifer Flowers 467 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,066 gave presidential hopeful Bill Clinton a nine 468 00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:01,067 as a lover. 469 00:25:01,101 --> 00:25:02,102 She said it would have been a 10 470 00:25:02,135 --> 00:25:04,037 except he had no healthcare plan. 471 00:25:04,037 --> 00:25:06,639 (audience laughing) 472 00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:08,441 Well, the New Hampshire primary is heating up 473 00:25:08,475 --> 00:25:09,809 and like most Americans, 474 00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:11,745 I don’t make my final choice of who Ill vote for 475 00:25:11,778 --> 00:25:13,580 until the evening gown and swimsuit part 476 00:25:13,613 --> 00:25:14,647 of the competition. 477 00:25:21,221 --> 00:25:23,923 Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II celebrated 40 years 478 00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:25,959 on the throne this week. 479 00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,061 She might want to try some laxatives. 480 00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:35,835 Well, this week, the Haitian boat people 481 00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:37,070 were ordered back to Haiti 482 00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:39,873 from the Guantanamo Bay refugee camp in Cuba. 483 00:25:39,906 --> 00:25:41,608 Just returned from Port of Prince, Haiti 484 00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:44,210 is our star Caribbean reporter Crystal Blue Persuasion. 485 00:25:44,244 --> 00:25:46,112 Crystal, how is it going over there? 486 00:25:46,146 --> 00:25:48,815 (audience applauding) 487 00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:49,716 Crys. 488 00:25:51,484 --> 00:25:53,453 Things are terrible, Kevin, you know? 489 00:25:53,486 --> 00:25:56,556 You see, I don’t know how we could have let them people 490 00:25:56,589 --> 00:25:59,592 go back to that backwood godforsaken country. 491 00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:02,629 Haiti puts the back, back in backwoods. 492 00:26:02,662 --> 00:26:06,666 You know, I have seen more concern for holes in the ozone 493 00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:10,236 and for "Where’s Waldo" than for human beings. 494 00:26:10,270 --> 00:26:12,339 But you know, I told them, Haitians, you know, 495 00:26:12,372 --> 00:26:13,940 I said, "Nobody cares about you 496 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,510 ’cause number one, you speak French, okay?" 497 00:26:17,544 --> 00:26:19,646 We hate the French in America, you know? 498 00:26:19,679 --> 00:26:23,350 They’re snotty and they don’t wash and-- 499 00:26:23,383 --> 00:26:24,351 and their language. 500 00:26:24,384 --> 00:26:25,819 It don’t make sense, you know. 501 00:26:25,852 --> 00:26:27,554 It don’t spell the way it sounds. 502 00:26:27,587 --> 00:26:29,589 Oui. Oui. O-U-I. Oui. 503 00:26:29,622 --> 00:26:31,891 O-U-I spells owi. 504 00:26:33,093 --> 00:26:36,062 What, them never hear of phonics? 505 00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:38,832 And number two, nobody cares 506 00:26:38,865 --> 00:26:43,069 because you don’t have no famous movie star spokesperson. 507 00:26:43,069 --> 00:26:46,706 Them crippled children, them have Jerry Lewis. 508 00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:48,942 Stray animals have Betty White. 509 00:26:48,975 --> 00:26:52,946 And you know why them Cubans are here in this country right now? 510 00:26:52,979 --> 00:26:55,915 Two words, Ricky Ricardo. 511 00:26:57,083 --> 00:26:58,084 Trust me now, 512 00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:00,887 if Jacques Cousteau was Haitian, 513 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,024 them refugees would be in New York right now. 514 00:27:04,024 --> 00:27:06,292 See, I’m Jamaican. Why do you think I’m here, huh? 515 00:27:06,326 --> 00:27:09,396 Why do you think 1.5 million Jamaicans are here right now? 516 00:27:09,429 --> 00:27:10,864 Because we give you so much. 517 00:27:10,897 --> 00:27:13,033 We give you Jamaican beef patties. 518 00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:14,601 We give you reggae. 519 00:27:14,634 --> 00:27:16,436 We give you the whole Marley family. 520 00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:18,672 Bob Marley, Rita, Ziggy. 521 00:27:18,705 --> 00:27:21,041 And two words, Harry Belafonte. 522 00:27:21,041 --> 00:27:22,042 I rest my case. 523 00:27:22,042 --> 00:27:24,144 Thank you, Crystal Blue Persuasion. 524 00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:27,681 Thank you, Crystal. 525 00:27:27,714 --> 00:27:31,051 Well said. I Thank you. Certainly. Certainly. 526 00:27:32,385 --> 00:27:33,820 Well, hundreds of spectators 527 00:27:33,853 --> 00:27:35,455 watched on groundhog’s day Sunday 528 00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,424 as Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole, 529 00:27:37,457 --> 00:27:41,494 saw his shadow and was shot dead by Pat Buchanan, 530 00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:44,564 indicating no more weeks of winter, spring, summer or fall 531 00:27:44,597 --> 00:27:45,932 for the groundhog. 532 00:27:48,068 --> 00:27:50,170 You know, there’s been a lot of people throughout history 533 00:27:50,203 --> 00:27:52,639 who’ve eventually died. 534 00:27:55,775 --> 00:27:57,677 There are at least six criminal cases 535 00:27:57,711 --> 00:27:59,479 being tried in U.S. courts this week. 536 00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:03,316 Noriega, Dr. Kevorkian, Jeffrey Dahmer, 537 00:28:03,350 --> 00:28:07,387 Mike Tyson, the LAPD, and John Gatti. 538 00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:10,123 Fortunately, all the verdicts are in. 539 00:28:10,156 --> 00:28:13,059 And here they are, in no particular order. 540 00:28:13,093 --> 00:28:17,364 Guilty, not guilty, not guilty, not guilty, 541 00:28:17,397 --> 00:28:20,300 guilty, guilty but insane. 542 00:28:21,401 --> 00:28:22,869 Tough one, Mike. 543 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,242 Well, one of the witnesses at the Mike Tyson trial said 544 00:28:29,275 --> 00:28:30,744 that when Tyson came on to her, 545 00:28:30,777 --> 00:28:33,046 she got rid of him by simply giving him the phone number 546 00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:34,547 for the weather. 547 00:28:34,581 --> 00:28:36,716 Testifying next week that Tyson also harassed her 548 00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:38,685 will be the weather lady. 549 00:28:40,553 --> 00:28:43,523 Larry Holmes defeated Ray Mercer in a 12-round fight last night. 550 00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:45,792 The win will now pit Holmes against George Forman 551 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:48,795 in what’s being termed the Angina in Carolina. 552 00:28:52,098 --> 00:28:53,667 (clears throat) 553 00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:57,170 You know, there are a lot of people out there. 554 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,777 Well, it seems the JFK controversy just won’t die. 555 00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:06,179 New evidence backing the lone gunman’s single bullet theory 556 00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:08,314 was uncovered today. 557 00:29:08,348 --> 00:29:09,716 The Warrant commission concluded 558 00:29:09,749 --> 00:29:12,252 that a single bullet entered Kennedy’s shoulder, 559 00:29:12,285 --> 00:29:15,255 made a quick left and then a quick right, 560 00:29:15,288 --> 00:29:18,758 out of his throat into the armpit of Governor Connally, 561 00:29:18,792 --> 00:29:20,794 even through Connally’s wrist 562 00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:24,564 and then into his-his knee right here. 563 00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:27,033 The bullet then lodged onto a nearby freight train, 564 00:29:27,033 --> 00:29:28,401 traveling to Dallas Airport, 565 00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,271 onto a plane over to Italy, 566 00:29:31,304 --> 00:29:32,706 hanging out there for a few years 567 00:29:32,739 --> 00:29:33,873 and then continuing its path 568 00:29:33,907 --> 00:29:36,343 into the body of Pope John Paul II. 569 00:29:37,510 --> 00:29:38,812 After disappearing for some time, 570 00:29:38,845 --> 00:29:41,915 it suddenly showed up in Albradril, France today 571 00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:44,751 where it will compete in the men’s downhill slalom. 572 00:29:46,486 --> 00:29:48,621 It’s not known if the bullet will be representing Cuba, 573 00:29:48,655 --> 00:29:50,757 the Mafia or the CIA. 574 00:29:55,195 --> 00:29:57,063 This year, the International Olympic Committee announced 575 00:29:57,097 --> 00:29:59,432 there would be stricter rules and regulations 576 00:29:59,466 --> 00:30:01,034 at the 16th Winter Olympic games. 577 00:30:01,067 --> 00:30:02,602 During the opening ceremonies, 578 00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:06,072 six musicians were promptly hung after hitting two wrong notes. 579 00:30:09,042 --> 00:30:11,011 Every year, thousands of people from all over the world 580 00:30:11,044 --> 00:30:12,979 have flocked to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. 581 00:30:13,013 --> 00:30:14,514 Here to fill us in on what to expect 582 00:30:14,547 --> 00:30:16,983 from this years Mardi Gras is Weekend Update’s Cajun Man. 583 00:30:17,017 --> 00:30:17,951 Hello, Cajun Man. 584 00:30:23,056 --> 00:30:25,291 Kevon. 585 00:30:25,325 --> 00:30:26,526 Now I bet at the Mardi Gras, 586 00:30:26,559 --> 00:30:28,461 there’s a lot of Cajun food, huh? 587 00:30:28,495 --> 00:30:29,629 Onion. 588 00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:31,931 Hmm, that sounds good. 589 00:30:31,965 --> 00:30:34,868 Now what is--what is the Mardi Gras all about? 590 00:30:34,901 --> 00:30:37,303 Celebration. 591 00:30:37,337 --> 00:30:39,906 Folks get pretty happy down there, don’t they? 592 00:30:39,939 --> 00:30:41,307 Intoxication. 593 00:30:42,876 --> 00:30:44,611 There’s so many people down there, I heard, too. 594 00:30:44,644 --> 00:30:48,081 -I bet it’s hard to find a hotel room, isn’t it? -Make reservation. 595 00:30:49,649 --> 00:30:50,950 Well, good idea. 596 00:30:50,984 --> 00:30:53,720 Any hotel rooms you might recommend? 597 00:30:53,753 --> 00:30:54,854 The Hilton. 598 00:30:56,256 --> 00:30:57,190 Hmm. 599 00:30:58,525 --> 00:31:01,661 They have good entertainment down there? 600 00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:02,896 Magician. 601 00:31:02,929 --> 00:31:04,397 Great. Great. 602 00:31:04,431 --> 00:31:07,400 I guess you’ll be drinking a few beers yourself down there, 603 00:31:07,434 --> 00:31:08,835 won’t you? 604 00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,136 Rehabilitation. 605 00:31:12,872 --> 00:31:17,344 But you were--you were just having a drink back stage. 606 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:18,545 Fell off the wagon. 607 00:31:20,313 --> 00:31:23,183 -Well, we all have our weaknesses, I guess. -Only human. 608 00:31:24,784 --> 00:31:27,620 Uh, maybe we should just change the subject. 609 00:31:27,654 --> 00:31:30,557 -Let’s move on. -Sorry. 610 00:31:30,590 --> 00:31:35,228 Anyways, they got those wild parades at Mardi Gras, 611 00:31:35,261 --> 00:31:37,864 I bet you could meet some pretty beautiful women, huh? 612 00:31:37,897 --> 00:31:38,998 On occasion. 613 00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:41,968 I understand that you were hanging out 614 00:31:42,002 --> 00:31:44,704 with a pretty exotic dancer last year, 615 00:31:44,738 --> 00:31:46,206 what happened there? 616 00:31:46,239 --> 00:31:47,407 Infection. 617 00:31:52,012 --> 00:31:54,147 That’s kind of tough. 618 00:31:54,180 --> 00:31:57,017 -You took care of that? -Oh, yeah, penicillin. 619 00:31:58,818 --> 00:32:01,821 Well, I hope this year, you’re gonna make sure to-- 620 00:32:01,855 --> 00:32:03,056 Use a Trojan. 621 00:32:09,629 --> 00:32:13,466 I’m just glad that you learned a valuable lesson, Cajun Man. 622 00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:16,102 Me, too, Nealon. 623 00:32:16,136 --> 00:32:17,504 All right. Thanks, Cajun Man. 624 00:32:17,537 --> 00:32:18,738 By the way, if I’m down there, 625 00:32:18,772 --> 00:32:20,940 what’s your room number at the Hilton? 626 00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,276 7-11. 627 00:32:23,309 --> 00:32:25,912 -Guess I should have known that. -Yes, dumb question. 628 00:32:28,314 --> 00:32:30,417 -Cajun Man, everyone. -Kevin Nealon. 629 00:32:41,695 --> 00:32:43,630 Rumors of a mutually beneficial agreement 630 00:32:43,663 --> 00:32:45,098 between the U.S. and Japan surfaced this week. 631 00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:46,466 According to the reports, 632 00:32:46,499 --> 00:32:49,269 the plan suggests that we will agree to stop building cars 633 00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:51,404 if the Japanese agree to stop driving them. 634 00:32:52,906 --> 00:32:55,475 And Mattel now reports that the most popular toy in America 635 00:32:55,508 --> 00:32:57,544 is a Piñata in the shape of Japan. 636 00:33:01,047 --> 00:33:02,349 As a gesture of goodwill, 637 00:33:02,382 --> 00:33:05,618 France is sending New York City six public pay toilets. 638 00:33:05,652 --> 00:33:08,188 The toilets will replace the Statue of Liberty. 639 00:33:08,221 --> 00:33:11,458 Give me your tired, your poor, your got-to-go masses. 640 00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:16,363 On the medical front, the FDA continues to sanction 641 00:33:16,396 --> 00:33:18,365 the use of saline breast implants for women, 642 00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:20,333 saying the saline implants are not only safe 643 00:33:20,367 --> 00:33:22,335 but if your husband or boyfriends gets a sore throat, 644 00:33:22,369 --> 00:33:23,970 he can gargle your breasts. 645 00:33:28,875 --> 00:33:31,177 You know, in closing, uh, in closing, 646 00:33:31,211 --> 00:33:33,580 I’d like to add a brief footnote about all the Japan bashing 647 00:33:33,613 --> 00:33:35,348 across the country. 648 00:33:35,382 --> 00:33:37,350 As an American, I think that this behavior 649 00:33:37,384 --> 00:33:39,686 is an outright shame fashion, basham, 650 00:33:39,719 --> 00:33:41,521 and to be honest with you, 651 00:33:41,554 --> 00:33:44,357 I don’t really want to be involved in any way, ringleader. 652 00:33:44,391 --> 00:33:48,094 Now when Japan’s Prime Minister said Americans lack work ethics 653 00:33:48,128 --> 00:33:49,262 and were lazy, cheap shot, 654 00:33:49,295 --> 00:33:52,732 all he meant was we should learn to work properly 655 00:33:52,766 --> 00:33:55,135 from Monday to Friday, too long. 656 00:33:55,168 --> 00:33:57,504 I say let’s stop being so insensitive 657 00:33:57,537 --> 00:33:58,538 to the Japanese, bastards. 658 00:33:58,571 --> 00:33:59,873 Let’s face it, 659 00:33:59,906 --> 00:34:03,209 our failing economy is not their fault, George Bush. 660 00:34:03,243 --> 00:34:05,545 I don’t know, maybe we could learn something 661 00:34:05,578 --> 00:34:06,813 from the Japanese, sneak attack. 662 00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:08,515 I mean, they’re-- you know. 663 00:34:09,916 --> 00:34:12,118 I’m speaking from my heart. 664 00:34:13,787 --> 00:34:16,322 Actually, they’re very diligent workers, anal retentive, 665 00:34:16,356 --> 00:34:18,725 and that I think should-should count 666 00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,260 for at least something, buy American. 667 00:34:20,293 --> 00:34:22,729 I’m Kevin Nealon, big star, and that’s news to me. 668 00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:40,480 Announcer: And nowDeep Thoughts 669 00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:42,282 by Jack Handey. 670 00:34:46,386 --> 00:34:48,922 Jack Handey: If you ever go temporarily insane, 671 00:34:48,955 --> 00:34:52,092 don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. 672 00:34:52,125 --> 00:34:54,627 Instead, try to get some weeding done, 673 00:34:54,661 --> 00:34:56,596 because you’d really be surprised. 674 00:35:02,068 --> 00:35:03,770 Well, I just want to tell you 675 00:35:03,803 --> 00:35:05,805 that I’ve had a wonderful time tonight. 676 00:35:05,839 --> 00:35:09,342 We’ve got to thank Faith and Jeff for introducing us. 677 00:35:09,376 --> 00:35:12,545 They kept saying, "You guys are perfect for each other." 678 00:35:12,579 --> 00:35:13,847 I am so glad. 679 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,249 I’ve had a really nice time, too. 680 00:35:16,282 --> 00:35:18,685 I really like the movie. 681 00:35:18,718 --> 00:35:20,787 You didn’t see me before you picked me up. 682 00:35:20,820 --> 00:35:22,355 I was so nervous. 683 00:35:22,389 --> 00:35:26,426 I was like, woo! woo! 684 00:35:26,459 --> 00:35:27,427 Well, me, too. 685 00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:29,396 I was in my car on my way to your house 686 00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:35,402 and I was like (gibbers) 687 00:35:35,435 --> 00:35:37,537 -Excuse me, are you ready for dessert? -Yeah. 688 00:35:37,570 --> 00:35:39,472 I’m sorry it took me so long to get back to you. 689 00:35:39,506 --> 00:35:41,107 We’re short for a few people in the kitchen 690 00:35:41,141 --> 00:35:42,642 and I’m just like, ahh! 691 00:35:42,676 --> 00:35:46,212 (audience laughing) 692 00:35:46,246 --> 00:35:48,648 And we also, we don’t have all of our desserts tonight. 693 00:35:48,682 --> 00:35:52,419 -We’re trying out a new chef. -Well, don’t work him too hard. 694 00:35:52,452 --> 00:35:53,887 Next thing you know, you’ll go in the back 695 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:55,088 and you’ll be in the kitchen there 696 00:35:55,088 --> 00:35:57,557 and you go, "slash, slash." (grunts) 697 00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:59,793 (audience laughing) 698 00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:02,028 -I’ll have the sundae. -Well, I’ll have the same. 699 00:36:02,028 --> 00:36:03,296 All right, thank you. 700 00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:04,297 Well, you know, Karen, 701 00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:06,900 like I said before, I was nervous, too. 702 00:36:06,933 --> 00:36:11,905 But when I saw you, it was like (grunts). 703 00:36:11,938 --> 00:36:13,440 (audience laughing) 704 00:36:13,473 --> 00:36:15,075 Oh, I know. 705 00:36:15,108 --> 00:36:18,178 I saw you get out of your car from my apartment window 706 00:36:18,211 --> 00:36:19,379 and I was like-- 707 00:36:21,881 --> 00:36:24,084 (audience laughing) 708 00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:30,824 -Are you okay? -Yes. 709 00:36:30,857 --> 00:36:32,592 Okay, oh, would you like nuts on your sundae? 710 00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:34,194 Yes. 711 00:36:34,227 --> 00:36:35,495 -How about you, sir? -No, no, no. 712 00:36:35,528 --> 00:36:36,563 I’m allergic to nuts. 713 00:36:36,596 --> 00:36:38,531 If I--if I have nuts in my food, 714 00:36:38,565 --> 00:36:40,633 I’m like (screams), 715 00:36:40,667 --> 00:36:42,635 buttons, buttons. 716 00:36:42,669 --> 00:36:45,238 ( retching ) Refuse. 717 00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,073 Sorry. 718 00:36:47,073 --> 00:36:48,742 Well, enjoy. 719 00:36:48,775 --> 00:36:51,311 So how long have you known Faith and Jeff? 720 00:36:51,344 --> 00:36:53,113 Oh, a long time, you know. 721 00:36:53,146 --> 00:36:55,081 And Faith is really neat. 722 00:36:55,081 --> 00:36:58,218 But Jeff is like (gibbers) 723 00:36:58,251 --> 00:37:00,587 Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo! 724 00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:02,255 -Exactly. Exactly. -Yeah. 725 00:37:02,288 --> 00:37:04,391 You know, Faith and I dated for a short time. 726 00:37:04,424 --> 00:37:07,660 But luckily, we remain friends. 727 00:37:07,694 --> 00:37:10,430 -Did it get serious? -Well, it did. 728 00:37:10,463 --> 00:37:12,365 Once we were kissing and fooling around in my car 729 00:37:12,399 --> 00:37:16,036 and the next thing you know, it was (gibbers) 730 00:37:16,069 --> 00:37:18,405 Yeah! (gibbers) 731 00:37:18,438 --> 00:37:21,141 -Really? -Yeah. 732 00:37:21,174 --> 00:37:22,942 Did you really have a good time tonight? 733 00:37:23,043 --> 00:37:26,279 -Yes, everything has been great. -Good. 734 00:37:26,312 --> 00:37:27,681 You know, I was kind of embarrassed 735 00:37:27,714 --> 00:37:30,083 when that drunk on the street tried to talk to you. 736 00:37:30,116 --> 00:37:32,652 Oh, I know. He was so disgusting. 737 00:37:32,686 --> 00:37:36,056 He was like-- 738 00:37:36,089 --> 00:37:38,058 (makes farting sound) 739 00:37:38,058 --> 00:37:42,462 Thank you and I was like, "Oh, let’s get out of here." 740 00:37:42,495 --> 00:37:43,830 (laughs) 741 00:37:43,863 --> 00:37:47,400 Oh, you know, speaking of which, we should get going. 742 00:37:47,434 --> 00:37:49,502 -I have to go to work tomorrow. -Yeah. 743 00:37:49,536 --> 00:37:51,071 I really have had a great time, you know? 744 00:37:51,071 --> 00:37:52,872 Oh, yeah. Well, me, too. 745 00:37:52,906 --> 00:37:57,377 I--I think I love you. 746 00:37:57,410 --> 00:38:00,847 -Excuse me, what? -I think I love you. 747 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,549 I don’t understand. 748 00:38:02,582 --> 00:38:07,554 When I look at you, I’m like (imitates beating sound) 749 00:38:07,587 --> 00:38:10,390 Please don’t say that. 750 00:38:10,423 --> 00:38:12,258 When somebody says that to me, 751 00:38:12,292 --> 00:38:14,661 I’m like whoosh! 752 00:38:14,694 --> 00:38:17,163 I’m sorry, I didn’t go (imitates beating sound) 753 00:38:17,197 --> 00:38:18,865 to make you go whoosh! 754 00:38:18,898 --> 00:38:23,103 ’cause I’m not (grunts) 755 00:38:23,136 --> 00:38:25,438 And I didn’t go (imitates beating sound) 756 00:38:25,472 --> 00:38:28,108 so that I could go (gibbers) 757 00:38:28,141 --> 00:38:29,109 Yeah! 758 00:38:29,142 --> 00:38:30,677 Or honk, honk! 759 00:38:30,710 --> 00:38:32,178 (laughter) 760 00:38:32,212 --> 00:38:35,281 So, uh, forget I said anything, okay? 761 00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:38,051 And, well, let’s--let’s just take it slow. 762 00:38:38,051 --> 00:38:39,886 I like that. 763 00:38:39,919 --> 00:38:42,422 Why don’t we get the-- 764 00:38:42,455 --> 00:38:45,258 -I’m sorry, what? -The, uh-- 765 00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:46,292 -No. -The check? 766 00:38:46,326 --> 00:38:48,061 Yes. 767 00:38:48,094 --> 00:38:50,597 Oh, right, yes. The check, of course. 768 00:38:50,630 --> 00:38:52,065 I’ll take that whenever you’re ready. 769 00:38:52,065 --> 00:38:53,333 All right. 770 00:38:53,366 --> 00:38:58,338 (grunting) 771 00:38:58,371 --> 00:39:02,876 (audience cheering) 772 00:39:10,617 --> 00:39:12,819 Oh, my God! Susan Dey! I can’t believe it. 773 00:39:12,852 --> 00:39:13,653 You are a muse to me! 774 00:39:13,687 --> 00:39:15,021 You know, I have loved you 775 00:39:15,021 --> 00:39:18,024 ever since you were at a partridge in a pear tree. 776 00:39:18,058 --> 00:39:19,559 I can’t believe, you know, I was making a joke. 777 00:39:19,592 --> 00:39:21,061 -That was funny. -Thank you. 778 00:39:21,094 --> 00:39:23,029 -That’s very sweet of you. -Oh, no, no. Wait a minute. 779 00:39:23,029 --> 00:39:24,831 You know, something? I am so jealous of you 780 00:39:24,864 --> 00:39:27,600 because you’ve got to sleep with Victor Sifuentes 781 00:39:27,634 --> 00:39:28,601 every single week. 782 00:39:28,635 --> 00:39:29,703 I could kill myself, you know. 783 00:39:29,736 --> 00:39:31,438 I know, it’s really sexy 784 00:39:31,471 --> 00:39:33,573 -but, you know, we didn’t really-- -I don’t want to hear it. 785 00:39:33,606 --> 00:39:35,942 So you are a real sister now, you know that? 786 00:39:36,042 --> 00:39:39,446 (speaks Spanish) sister of the blood. 787 00:39:39,479 --> 00:39:40,947 -I’m--I’m afraid I don’t understand. -You know, see, 788 00:39:41,047 --> 00:39:42,849 after you sleep with a Spanish guy, 789 00:39:42,882 --> 00:39:44,818 then you are (speaks Spanish) 790 00:39:44,851 --> 00:39:46,119 A sister forever. 791 00:39:46,152 --> 00:39:47,287 Oh, oh, well, that’s very flattering. 792 00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,455 But you see, we really didn’t-- 793 00:39:48,488 --> 00:39:49,956 You know something, don’t you hate it, 794 00:39:50,056 --> 00:39:51,825 like, when you’re sleeping with a Spanish guy, right, 795 00:39:51,858 --> 00:39:53,259 and he starts to call you, "Mommy." 796 00:39:53,293 --> 00:39:55,295 -Don’t you hate it? -What? 797 00:39:55,328 --> 00:39:59,432 You know, he’s saying, "Ay, mommy, ay, ay, ay, mommy." 798 00:39:59,466 --> 00:40:00,900 Don’t you hate that? 799 00:40:00,934 --> 00:40:03,036 -Who are you? -Oh, I’m Zorraida. 800 00:40:03,069 --> 00:40:06,072 Zorraida, get a grip. We were just acting. 801 00:40:06,106 --> 00:40:07,640 Oh, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, okay. 802 00:40:07,674 --> 00:40:10,343 If you was acting, then how come you got pregnant? 803 00:40:10,377 --> 00:40:11,978 Explain that. And then-- 804 00:40:12,012 --> 00:40:14,247 By the way, whatever happened to that baby anyways? 805 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,317 -(speaks Spanish) -How do I get this through you? 806 00:40:17,350 --> 00:40:21,154 I did not sleep with Victor Sifuentes or Jimmy Smiths, okay? 807 00:40:21,187 --> 00:40:23,490 Okay. You don’t have to get loud at me. 808 00:40:23,523 --> 00:40:24,557 I wasn’t getting loud. 809 00:40:24,591 --> 00:40:25,959 Oh, you wasn’t getting loud 810 00:40:25,992 --> 00:40:28,328 like you didn’t sleep with Jimmy Smiths, huh? 811 00:40:28,361 --> 00:40:29,829 Oh, shut up. 812 00:40:29,863 --> 00:40:32,165 Excuse me? No, no, no, what did you say? 813 00:40:32,198 --> 00:40:33,667 And what-- Who are you talking to? 814 00:40:33,700 --> 00:40:35,635 Excuse me? You think you’re better than me? 815 00:40:35,669 --> 00:40:36,903 You think you’re better than me? 816 00:40:36,936 --> 00:40:39,439 Remember, your family used to sleep in a bus. 817 00:40:39,472 --> 00:40:40,940 That’s right. That’s right. 818 00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:43,977 Oh, you think-- What makes you think, I work hard, too. 819 00:40:44,010 --> 00:40:47,447 -(speaks Spanish) -(audience applauding) 820 00:40:56,489 --> 00:40:59,459 You know, I may not be a major art critic or anything, 821 00:40:59,492 --> 00:41:02,062 but I really like this painting. 822 00:41:14,074 --> 00:41:18,244 Wow. You know, I may be just an arrogant, bandwagon-jumping, 823 00:41:18,278 --> 00:41:20,680 yuppie lawyer who knows nothing about art, 824 00:41:20,714 --> 00:41:22,082 but I fool myself into thinking 825 00:41:22,082 --> 00:41:23,583 people feel my opinion is important, 826 00:41:23,616 --> 00:41:25,085 so I’m compelled to give one. 827 00:41:26,386 --> 00:41:28,988 -Crap. -(audience laughs) 828 00:41:29,089 --> 00:41:31,791 Now hold on a second. 829 00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:34,094 I know I’m just a bored housewife 830 00:41:34,127 --> 00:41:36,463 who only came in here to buy a museum tote bag 831 00:41:36,496 --> 00:41:38,098 so that people on my city bus 832 00:41:38,098 --> 00:41:41,201 -will think I’m cultured. -(audience laughs) 833 00:41:41,234 --> 00:41:43,503 But by initiating a conversation with me, 834 00:41:43,536 --> 00:41:46,506 you’ve given me the opportunity to run my big, fat yapper 835 00:41:46,539 --> 00:41:48,908 and annoy somebody besides my husband and children 836 00:41:48,942 --> 00:41:50,977 for a change. 837 00:41:51,011 --> 00:41:52,545 I think it’s very good. 838 00:41:53,913 --> 00:41:56,416 You remind me of my mother. 839 00:41:56,449 --> 00:41:58,184 -I am leaving the museum. -(audience applauds) 840 00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:02,789 Wait. I’ll go with you. 841 00:42:06,626 --> 00:42:08,762 Look at this one. 842 00:42:08,795 --> 00:42:10,296 You know, even though I’m in college 843 00:42:10,330 --> 00:42:11,531 majoring in Art History, 844 00:42:11,564 --> 00:42:13,533 I still know nothing about art, 845 00:42:13,566 --> 00:42:16,202 due mainly for the fact that I chose that major, 846 00:42:16,236 --> 00:42:18,705 not to learn, but rather to get revenge on my parents. 847 00:42:18,738 --> 00:42:20,173 (Crowd laughing) 848 00:42:20,206 --> 00:42:22,108 In addition to my choice of major, 849 00:42:22,142 --> 00:42:24,744 I’m doing other things to upset and irritate them, 850 00:42:24,778 --> 00:42:28,248 such as dating a black man, 851 00:42:28,281 --> 00:42:31,184 and shaving the side of my head. 852 00:42:31,217 --> 00:42:33,920 It reminds me of that dot-painting guy. 853 00:42:38,658 --> 00:42:39,626 I couldn’t help overhearing what you were saying. 854 00:42:39,659 --> 00:42:41,928 I, like you, majored in Art History, 855 00:42:41,961 --> 00:42:43,930 but I enjoyed it, or, at least, 856 00:42:43,963 --> 00:42:47,734 created the illusion I liked it because I had to. 857 00:42:47,767 --> 00:42:49,269 As a left-wing, PBS-watching, 858 00:42:49,302 --> 00:42:50,937 pottery-making gay activist... 859 00:42:50,970 --> 00:42:53,239 (Crowd laughing) 860 00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:56,910 it was expected that I enjoy it along with foreign films 861 00:42:56,943 --> 00:43:00,480 and goatees. 862 00:43:00,513 --> 00:43:03,183 And now for my predictable, pretentious opinion 863 00:43:03,216 --> 00:43:07,554 on this painting, it’s revolting. 864 00:43:07,587 --> 00:43:08,888 Really? 865 00:43:08,922 --> 00:43:11,825 Well, before we get into a fight over this, 866 00:43:11,858 --> 00:43:13,426 I’m going to interrupt this conversation 867 00:43:13,460 --> 00:43:15,395 by dragging this spoiled white freak 868 00:43:15,428 --> 00:43:17,897 over to the Banana Republic to buy me some new clothes, 869 00:43:17,931 --> 00:43:20,133 and maybe a belt, so I can tie her up later 870 00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:21,668 and make her moo like a cow. 871 00:43:21,701 --> 00:43:26,072 (crowd cheering) (applause) 872 00:43:27,207 --> 00:43:28,842 Fifteen minutes to closing! 873 00:43:28,875 --> 00:43:32,345 Fifteen minutes, and the gallery will be closed. 874 00:43:35,081 --> 00:43:38,852 You know, even though I’ve worked here for 8 years, 875 00:43:38,885 --> 00:43:40,854 I never really had the time to enjoy 876 00:43:40,887 --> 00:43:43,089 looking at the paintings. 877 00:43:43,089 --> 00:43:47,093 I guess I’m just too busy loafing around. 878 00:43:47,127 --> 00:43:49,396 And dreaming about 5:00 PM, 879 00:43:49,429 --> 00:43:52,465 when I can punch the clock and haul my fat ass home 880 00:43:52,499 --> 00:43:55,168 to my place in Queens and watch "Growing Pains". 881 00:43:55,201 --> 00:43:56,870 (Crowd laughing) 882 00:43:56,903 --> 00:43:59,105 With a six-pack of Pabst’s Blue Ribbon 883 00:43:59,105 --> 00:44:01,408 and a box of Dunkin Donuts on my lap. 884 00:44:01,441 --> 00:44:04,044 (Crowd laughing) 885 00:44:04,044 --> 00:44:06,446 I just wish I had the intellectual capacity 886 00:44:06,479 --> 00:44:10,250 to form an opinion on this painting. 887 00:44:10,283 --> 00:44:13,486 But tragically, any brain cells I might have had 888 00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:17,323 are long gone through years of neglect and decay. 889 00:44:17,357 --> 00:44:20,126 (Crowd laughing) 890 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,394 Fifteen minutes to closing. 891 00:44:30,637 --> 00:44:34,741 You know, I don’t even know I’m in a museum right now. 892 00:44:34,774 --> 00:44:37,210 I don’t even know my name. 893 00:44:37,243 --> 00:44:38,411 I’m just excited I’m in a building 894 00:44:38,445 --> 00:44:41,414 that contains so many people. 895 00:44:41,448 --> 00:44:42,716 Watch me pull down my pants 896 00:44:42,749 --> 00:44:45,085 and run past those kind folks praising over there, 897 00:44:45,085 --> 00:44:46,319 and scare them to death. 898 00:44:46,353 --> 00:44:47,654 Here goes nothing. 899 00:44:47,687 --> 00:44:50,090 Woo-hoo! I’m naked. I’m naked. Woo-hoo! 900 00:44:50,090 --> 00:44:53,727 (crowd cheering) (applause) 901 00:45:08,341 --> 00:45:10,810 Well, what more could we do. 902 00:45:10,844 --> 00:45:15,749 (crowd cheering) (applause) 903 00:45:15,782 --> 00:45:20,220 On behalf of everyone here in Studio 88, 904 00:45:20,253 --> 00:45:22,322 from "Saturday Night Live", 905 00:45:22,355 --> 00:45:25,091 we would like to welcome into this world 906 00:45:25,125 --> 00:45:26,893 Mr. Birgen Hartman. 907 00:45:26,926 --> 00:45:28,128 Yeah. 908 00:45:28,161 --> 00:45:31,064 (crowd cheering) (applause) 909 00:45:34,801 --> 00:45:39,072 I’ve had a great time. I’ve had a great time. 910 00:45:39,072 --> 00:45:40,874 Bye-bye. Thank you. 911 00:45:40,907 --> 00:45:45,311 (crowd cheering) (applause) 67364

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