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1
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:15,515
Michael, I understand
an appeal has been filed?
2
00:00:15,548 --> 00:00:16,883
That’s right.
3
00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:18,551
On what grounds, Michael?
4
00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,554
Surprise evidence
from the District Attorney.
5
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:24,424
Abusive discretion
for not calling a mistrial.
6
00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:26,026
Doesn’t Williams
owe us money?
7
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:27,427
So?
8
00:00:27,460 --> 00:00:29,596
Well, don’t you think
he should pay for the last trial
9
00:00:29,629 --> 00:00:31,264
before we start
a whole new one?
10
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,433
Come on, Douglas.
11
00:00:33,466 --> 00:00:37,270
Well, helping the less fortunate
doesn’t pay the bills.
12
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:38,438
Jonathan?
13
00:00:38,471 --> 00:00:41,775
Well, we have
a new development
14
00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:45,111
in the wrongful death case
against Santa Monica General.
15
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,948
It seems the medical examiner
has new findings.
16
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,950
New findings?
Tell us about it.
17
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,619
Well--
18
00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:57,590
(audience cheering)
19
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,895
Leland.
20
00:01:01,928 --> 00:01:03,663
Leland, what is this?
21
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,066
Grace, sit down, please.
22
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,435
I think I deserve
an answer.
23
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,104
Roger Ballantine
from Security Chemical called.
24
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,939
He told me that
you’ve agreed to represent
25
00:01:12,972 --> 00:01:14,774
the Park View Condos.
26
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:16,776
Of course, I’m going
to represent them.
27
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,580
Malaney is not the only person
who can do pro bono around here.
28
00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:24,084
Grace, Roger Ballantine has been
with this firm for 17 years.
29
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:26,853
Leland, I’m not backing off
this one.
30
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,356
So you’d better think about this
and let me know
31
00:01:29,389 --> 00:01:31,825
if you still want me
as a partner in this firm.
32
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,097
Hi. Excuse me.
33
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,666
Ernie said sorry,
he’s running a little late.
34
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:44,104
Grace, I hope
you’ll reconsider.
35
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,106
Is this a bad time?
36
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,376
I have made my decision.
37
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,711
Do you want me
to run that off for you?
38
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:54,848
No. I’ll run them off myself.
39
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,293
Grace.
40
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:18,471
The Grace lady making copies.
41
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,341
Hi, Rich.
42
00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:24,477
Princess Grace
back from Graceland.
43
00:02:25,712 --> 00:02:29,182
Yep, that’s me,
making copies.
44
00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:31,818
Grace Van Owen.
45
00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:36,356
Well, this is my last copy,
Richard.
46
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:40,326
All right, no more copies
for the Partridge girl.
47
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,132
Hey, that was a long time ago.
48
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:49,936
Laurie Partridge
not really playing the keyboard.
49
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:54,341
Not even plugged in.
50
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,346
No electricity
for the Partridgenator.
51
00:03:00,413 --> 00:03:02,048
Rich, shut up.
52
00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,353
Benny.
53
00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:11,057
Hey, Rich,
what’s going on?
54
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,828
The Bun Man,
not really retarded.
55
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,831
Just a little slow.
56
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,667
Living life
in the slow lane.
57
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,503
The slowmeister.
58
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,338
Hey, Richmeister!
59
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,341
Just once could something
come out of your mouth
60
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,344
that makes
some kind of sense?
61
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,346
Okay.
62
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:37,183
Live from New York,
it’s "Saturday Night!"
63
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:42,155
(audience applauding)
64
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,105
Announcer:It’sSaturday Night Live.
65
00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:06,312
With Dana Carvey,
66
00:04:06,346 --> 00:04:08,815
Chris Farley,
67
00:04:08,848 --> 00:04:11,818
Phil Hartman,
68
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:14,654
Victoria Jackson,
69
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:17,657
Mike Myers,
70
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,660
Kevin Nealon,
71
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,329
Chris Rock,
72
00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:25,465
Julia Sweeney,
73
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:30,070
with Ellen Cleghorne,
74
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,505
Siobhan Fallon,
75
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:34,808
Tim Meadows,
76
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:39,846
Adam Sandler,
77
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,849
Rob Schneider,
78
00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:44,851
David Spade,
79
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:48,521
and featuring Beth Cahill,
80
00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:50,857
Melanie Hutsell,
81
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:54,694
G.E. Smith andthe Saturday Night Live band.
82
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:58,832
Musical Guest,C+C Music Factory.
83
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:04,838
And starring Susan Dey.
84
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:17,450
Ladies and gentlemen,Susan Dey!
85
00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:38,171
Thank you!
86
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,840
Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.
87
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:44,844
I am really looking forward
to doing live television.
88
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:47,847
(audience cheering)
89
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,516
I know it’s a cliché,
90
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:52,519
but I am one of those people
who grew up on television.
91
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,521
For four years,
I was Laurie Partridge
92
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,523
of "The Partridge Family."
93
00:05:56,556 --> 00:06:01,194
(audience cheering)
94
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:04,030
You know, I’d like to think
I broke some ground there.
95
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,032
Not because
I was a female musician
96
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,034
competing in a man’s world.
97
00:06:08,068 --> 00:06:11,538
But because
I was the first teenager
98
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:15,041
in primetime
to wear a pantsuit and--
99
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,876
(audience cheering)
100
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:20,213
And, of course,
the Partridge band suit.
101
00:06:20,246 --> 00:06:22,048
And Laurie was--
102
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,051
Laurie was a good girl
who got good grades,
103
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,054
but underneath it all,
you suspect that she might be
104
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,724
just a little hot.
105
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,060
And now, as Grace Van Owen,
106
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:38,398
I wear business suits
and business suits.
107
00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:41,735
And she’s a good lawyer
who does the right thing,
108
00:06:41,768 --> 00:06:45,071
the politically correct thing,
109
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:48,908
and underneath it all
is just a little hot.
110
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:52,412
(audience cheering)
111
00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:54,381
But tonight--
112
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:07,127
Tonight, I’m wearing
my own suit...
113
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,463
(audience cheering)
114
00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:13,033
Because...
115
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,468
this is not about
a law firm
116
00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:18,038
or a family.
117
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,041
This is my show.
118
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,476
I even have my own
musical guest.
119
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,644
That’s right.
120
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:27,814
C+C Music Factory
is here tonight.
121
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:29,816
(audience cheering)
122
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,818
So don’t go away.
123
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,320
My show
will be right back!
124
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:38,291
(audience cheering)
125
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,967
* One and one and oneis more than two *
126
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,637
* You’ll be amazedwhat you can do *
127
00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:53,640
* You’ll understandwhat freedom means *
128
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:56,643
* When you wearyour three-legged jeans *
129
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:59,145
* When you wear your Leevi’sthree-legged jeans *
130
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:01,314
* Three at lastThree at last *
131
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,150
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *-* Three at last *
132
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:07,020
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *- * Three at last *
133
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:10,023
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *-* Three at last *
134
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,025
I say
135
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,626
-* A leg and a leg and a legfor you *
136
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,128
* Wherever you go,whatever you do *
137
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:16,629
* A leg and a leg and a legfor you *
138
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,131
* However you move,however you feel *
139
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,033
* A leg and a leg and a legis three for me *
140
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,768
* Wherever you happen to be *
141
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:26,639
* Nothing in this worldis beyond your dreams *
142
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,642
* When you wearyour three-legged jeans *
143
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,245
* When you wear your Leevi’sthree-legged jeans *
144
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,314
* Three at lastThree at last *
145
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,150
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *-* Three at last *
146
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:40,153
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *-* Three at last *
147
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:43,156
-* A leg and a leg and a leg *-* Three at last *
148
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,158
Not any dumber
than the acid wash.
149
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,127
* Leg *
150
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,538
Your Honor, I would like
the medical report
151
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,374
on abrasions
admitted as evidence.
152
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,376
Your Honor, I object.
153
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:06,046
This is not evidence
in this case.
154
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,548
Sexual relations
were consensual,
155
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,051
and any abrasions
were simply the result
156
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:15,488
of my client’s
larger-than-average anatomy.
157
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:18,825
Your Honor, we’ve heard
this ridiculous argument,
158
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,028
and once again I must object
to this line of defense.
159
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,331
Mr. Tyson’s
larger-than-average anatomy,
160
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,334
this alleged endowment,
161
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,670
is unfounded
and unsubstantiated.
162
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,306
Counsel will approach
the bench.
163
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,480
I’m afraid I have to agree
with the prosecution here.
164
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,649
Your Honor,
my client is prepared
165
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,784
to support this argument.
166
00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:49,489
Well, if Defense is ready
to present such evidence,
167
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,825
you may proceed,
but I caution you,
168
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,661
it had better be relevant
to this case.
169
00:09:54,694 --> 00:09:57,130
Thank you, your Honor.
Mr. Tyson?
170
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,436
(unzips)
171
00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:18,318
I’ll allow it.
172
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:26,359
Your Honor, again, I object
to this line of defense.
173
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,862
We all know that size
does not matter.
174
00:10:28,895 --> 00:10:30,497
It simply doesn’t matter.
175
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,369
The relevance of size
has never been determined
176
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,205
by a US Court.
177
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:42,676
Therefore...we’ll allow it.
178
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,013
I request permissionto address the impact--
179
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,051
I request permission
to address the impact
180
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,053
of this new evidence
with the jury.
181
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,021
Oh, we have no objections.
182
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,692
Very well,
the evidence is admitted.
183
00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:01,327
The prosecution
may address the jury.
184
00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,300
Ladies and gentlemen...
185
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:15,175
the judge has ordered you
to consider
186
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,811
this new piece of evidence.
187
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:22,148
How you consider it
will be up to you.
188
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:29,689
The Defense is asking you
to characterize this evidence
189
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,826
as exceptional,
larger-than-average.
190
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,097
But let me caution you.
191
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:40,533
If we come to the conclusion
that size is somehow relevant,
192
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,536
we are sending
a powerful message
193
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,840
into every home
and locker room in America.
194
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,012
Let us take a moment
to consider the evidence.
195
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:59,119
Let’s ask ourselves,
what is large?
196
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:03,189
Who among us is qualified
to determine what is large?
197
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:15,068
In order to judge the evidence
as larger-than-average,
198
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:20,173
we must first determine
what is average.
199
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:24,177
Six inches? Five?
200
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:27,347
Let’s say a man
who is 5 foot 10-1/2
201
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,517
and maybe...perhaps
202
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:34,087
just a smidgeon
under 5 inches.
203
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,989
And I’m talking
about just the hair.
204
00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:40,160
Would that be considered
average?
205
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,500
That certainly
would be considered adequate.
206
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:56,876
But is it not true,
that it isn’t the size?
207
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,845
It’s what you do with it.
208
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:06,553
All I’m saying
is size is not important.
209
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:09,222
Believe me,
I’ve heard this all my life.
210
00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:11,391
Size doesn’t really matter.
It’s irrelevant!
211
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,059
Your Honor, I object.
212
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,062
Sustained.
213
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,064
It’s not the size of the boat.
It’s the motion of the ocean.
214
00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:19,499
It’s a fact.
We’ve all heard that.
215
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,701
-Your Honor?
-Sustained.
216
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:24,437
All right,
then I’ll rephrase it.
217
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,439
It doesn’t take a long hose
to put out a fire.
218
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,242
-I object.
-Sustained.
219
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,178
All right, I’m only saying,
220
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:34,914
it’s not the axe,
it’s how you swing it.
221
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,883
Your Honor, please.
222
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,354
Announcer: Coming upon Court TV.
223
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,823
Testimony from John Gotti’sManicurist.
224
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,500
Announcer: And now,The Arakawa Group.
225
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,336
A spontaneous discussionof the rich events.
226
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,139
With your hostYosho Arakawa.
227
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:01,875
Ohayo!
228
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:05,045
With me today are Yugi Kasamoto
from the Tokyo Times.
229
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,713
Hai.
230
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:08,081
Kitchi Tayoka,
231
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:10,583
Director of Public Affairsfor the Atari Corporation.
232
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,252
Hai.
233
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:15,422
And Tatsumo Watanaki,Japan’s Minister of Finance.
234
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,057
Hai, hai.
235
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:22,062
Gentlemen, shall we begin?
236
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,663
Issue Number 1:
237
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:26,132
Why are Americans
so fat and stupid?
238
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,835
Tatsumo?
239
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,171
Well, first of all,
I wish on behalf
240
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,506
of the Japanese government
to apologize.
241
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,676
Last week, I said all American
are fat and stupid.
242
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:38,078
It’s not true.
243
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,814
I mean to say some are fat,
some are stupid.
244
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:46,453
And some, of course,
are fat and stupid.
245
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,922
But I didn’t mean to,
you know, generalize.
246
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,858
Can jump in?
247
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,695
I’ll tell you
why Americans so fat.
248
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:59,199
They no eat rice.
They no eat fish.
249
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,868
They eat double cheeseburger,
250
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:05,739
Big Mac, 36 grams fat
in special sauce.
251
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,575
You ever see a race of people
so puffy?
252
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:12,245
All that water retention
in one hemisphere.
253
00:15:12,278 --> 00:15:14,748
What’s that about, huh?
What’s that?
254
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,717
Oh, it’s bad
for cup reduction.
255
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,653
American worker arm
get so fat, so big.
256
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:24,157
He can’t reach under dashboard
to install speedometer.
257
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,626
They need more exercise.
258
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,262
They get plenty
of exercise.
259
00:15:29,295 --> 00:15:32,065
At happy hour, with this arm.
260
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,068
(all laughs)
261
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,469
Oh, oh, stop it.
Stop it.
262
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,405
You’re killing me.
You’re killing me.
263
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,273
Oh, my size.
264
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,576
Oh, okay.
Hold on here.
265
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,079
We need some serious
discussion here.
266
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,480
Issue number two:
267
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,082
Which Americans are laziest?
268
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:50,083
Yuki?
269
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,552
Yosho,
I would have to say
270
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,989
autoworkers. Union.
Autoworkers.
271
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:57,557
Oh, U.A.W.
Okay.
272
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,692
Kitchi?
273
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:01,861
Judging by American
illiteracy rate,
274
00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:04,230
I would say
baroque teachers.
275
00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,500
Baroque teachers,
definitely, laziest Americans.
276
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:08,868
Oh, come on,
Kitchi.
277
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:12,605
Union Autoworkers, far lazier
than baroque teachers.
278
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,708
True, Union Autoworker,
lazy
279
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:17,410
but baroque teacher,
much lazier.
280
00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:19,045
Tatsumo?
281
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:22,682
I have to say
Hispanic autoworker.
282
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,652
Wrong. Wrong.
Laziest American,
283
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:27,287
postal workers
on drugs.
284
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,156
Issue number three:
285
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,692
Garth Brooks.
Is he lazy?
286
00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:35,295
Oh, yeah.
He is lazy.
287
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,530
His first album,
very good.
288
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,065
His second album,
289
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:42,769
he just going through
the motions.
290
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:45,205
Those tracks are sewn together.
291
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,639
You know
who hardworking?
292
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,074
Mandrell Sisters.
293
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,145
Oh, I’m not joking.
I see them in Vegas.
294
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,313
Louise Mandrell.
295
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:56,616
She play six instruments,
all in one song.
296
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,718
"Foggy Mountain Breakdown".
297
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,521
She never letup.
298
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:04,024
Even Garth Brooks
looks like Louise Mandrell,
299
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:06,026
his career go through roof.
300
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,461
Okay,
so Garth Brooks lazy?
301
00:17:08,495 --> 00:17:10,130
-Lazy.
-Lazy.
302
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:11,131
Lazy.
303
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,499
Correct.
Garth Brooks lazy.
304
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,733
Issue number four:
305
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,635
Randy Travis,
lazy?
306
00:17:15,669 --> 00:17:17,303
-Lazy.
-Lazy.
307
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:18,304
Lazy.
308
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,305
Lazy.
309
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,807
Time to look at the monkey.
310
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:23,209
(speaks Japanese)
311
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,948
(all laughs)
312
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,818
I don’t know why--
Oh, excuse me.
313
00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,053
Oh, it’s killing me.
314
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,622
Bush is not fat.
315
00:17:35,655 --> 00:17:37,157
He marry a man.
316
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,626
(laughs)
317
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,062
Her neck, 42-inch.
318
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,897
I know why.
she lazy.
319
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,098
She sit in bed,
320
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:47,067
eat Pepperidge foreign cookie
all-day.
321
00:17:48,068 --> 00:17:49,069
Her punishment,
322
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,870
have to sleep
with George Bush.
323
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,072
(all laughs)
324
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:53,239
Kitchi, stop.
Stop.
325
00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,775
You slay me.
You slay me.
326
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,510
Oh, I can’t take it.
327
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:58,745
Issue number five:
328
00:17:58,778 --> 00:17:59,846
What is the worst
American car?
329
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,848
Yuki?
330
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,751
-Present day or all-time?
-All-time.
331
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:07,220
-Pacer.
-Pacer.
332
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:09,789
Gremlin.
333
00:18:09,823 --> 00:18:11,825
Uh, Gremlin.
Kitchi?
334
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,928
’72 Chrysler interior.
335
00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:16,262
Because from rear end,
336
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,866
it looks like a fat American
woman in stretch pants.
337
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:24,037
(all laughs)
338
00:18:24,037 --> 00:18:25,071
It’s true.
339
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:27,040
It’s so true.
340
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,642
That’s why,
it’s a funny.
341
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,811
You can’t make this stuff up,
you know?
342
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,714
And now it’s time
for predictions.
343
00:18:34,748 --> 00:18:37,050
But first,
let’s look at the monkey.
344
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:41,287
(speaks Japanese)
345
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:44,090
Oh, I’ll tell you.
346
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,592
I’m going to be sick.
347
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,727
I never get tired of that.
348
00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:48,895
All right.
Predictions.
349
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,163
Yuki?
350
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:55,101
Media copiers
will buy baseball hall of fame
351
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,170
and install Pete Rose.
352
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,071
Tatsumo?
353
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,339
In three years,
354
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:03,009
only thing on American TV
will be rape trial.
355
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,210
Uh, Kitchi?
356
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:08,748
By 1996, all Americans
will be addicted to crack.
357
00:19:08,782 --> 00:19:10,917
Bush will be re-elected.
358
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,552
Bye-bye.
Ohayou.
359
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,653
All: Ohayou.
360
00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:18,625
(audience applaud)
361
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:40,180
Man: And now,
The Sensitive Naked Man.
362
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:43,049
It’s really good
to see you again, Cathy.
363
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:44,250
It’s been too long.
364
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,319
Well, it’s great
that you stopped by.
365
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,390
I brought you something.
366
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:52,559
It’s a book.
367
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:55,395
Wow.
368
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:57,897
Where’d you get this?
369
00:19:57,931 --> 00:20:00,500
One of those second-hand
stores downtown.
370
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,702
It seemed like you.
371
00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:05,105
So how have you been?
Have you been okay?
372
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,043
Yeah, I’m fine.
373
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,779
Wait a minute.
Something’s wrong.
374
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:17,050
-I can tell.
-No. I’m doing great, really.
375
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:20,887
-What’s troubling you, Cathy?
-Nothing. Nothing.
376
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,255
Hey, come on.
377
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:26,393
I can always tell
when something’s bothering you.
378
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:30,697
Well,
if you really want to know.
379
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,799
It’s that you’re not wearing
any clothes.
380
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,401
(audience laughing)
381
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,437
And it really freaks me out.
382
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:40,173
Hey, come on.
What’s really bothering you?
383
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:41,341
(audience laughing)
384
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:46,179
I told you.
It’s your nakedness.
385
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:50,850
You never ever
wear clothes, ever.
386
00:20:50,884 --> 00:20:53,253
It’s really disturbing.
387
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,888
And I think
I’d really prefer it
388
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,791
if you, like, went home
and put something on.
389
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,560
If you think I’m leaving
390
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:03,563
before I find out
what’s really bothering you,
391
00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,065
you’re crazy.
392
00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:10,070
Would you just, put, like,
a towel on, or something?
393
00:21:10,070 --> 00:21:11,504
Hey, we’re talking
about everything
394
00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,206
except what’s really
bothering you, aren’t we?
395
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:14,607
(audience laughing)
396
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:18,611
Sure, I could put on a towel,
or borrow your bathrobe,
397
00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:21,081
but we’re not gonna find out
what’s really bothering you
398
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,550
until you can talk
about it.
399
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:26,319
(audience laughing)
400
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:27,420
Now come on.
401
00:21:33,927 --> 00:21:37,097
Okay.
402
00:21:37,097 --> 00:21:39,799
When I was a little girl,
403
00:21:39,833 --> 00:21:42,435
my mother
had a beautiful music box
404
00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:45,638
that meant a lot to her.
405
00:21:45,672 --> 00:21:49,876
And one day I was playing
with it, and I broke it.
406
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:52,112
And I was too afraid
to tell her
407
00:21:52,112 --> 00:21:56,883
and I hid
all the pieces away.
408
00:21:56,916 --> 00:22:00,687
And she never found out
what happened to it.
409
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,722
And now she’s dead.
410
00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:06,893
Hey, hey. It’s okay.
411
00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:09,562
-It wasn’t your fault.
-No?
412
00:22:09,596 --> 00:22:11,531
-You were just a kid.
-Yeah.
413
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:16,536
-You were just a kid.
-Oh, wow.
414
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:21,341
You know, I’ve never been able
to tell anybody that before.
415
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,443
Thank you.
416
00:22:23,476 --> 00:22:25,879
Come on.
Let’s go get some sushi.
417
00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:27,447
(audience laughing)
418
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,151
-No, I don’t think so.
-Why not?
419
00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:33,987
Because you don’t
have any clothes on.
420
00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:37,190
Come on, Cathy.
What’s really bothering you?
421
00:22:37,223 --> 00:22:39,092
(audience laughing)
422
00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:40,093
You’re naked.
423
00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:44,097
Tell you what?
424
00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:46,766
Why don’t I go down there
and get us a table,
425
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,435
and you can come down
when you’re ready.
426
00:22:48,468 --> 00:22:50,570
-Okay?
-Okay.
427
00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:06,353
Announcer: This has been
The Sensitive Naked Man.
428
00:23:06,386 --> 00:23:08,555
(audience applauding)
429
00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:19,933
Announcer:Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.
430
00:23:19,966 --> 00:23:22,736
(audience cheering)
431
00:23:30,377 --> 00:23:32,112
Good evening,
I’m Kevin Nealon,
432
00:23:32,145 --> 00:23:35,081
and I’m an admitted lazy
and illiterate American worker.
433
00:23:35,115 --> 00:23:39,686
(audience cheering)
434
00:23:39,719 --> 00:23:41,087
Well,
in San Diego yesterday,
435
00:23:41,121 --> 00:23:43,189
President Bush said the best way
to avoid medical bills
436
00:23:43,223 --> 00:23:44,290
is to stay healthy.
437
00:23:44,324 --> 00:23:45,692
(audience laughing)
438
00:23:45,725 --> 00:23:48,628
He also added the best way
to live long is not to die.
439
00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:52,098
(audience laughing)
440
00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:54,768
Jeffrey Dahmer, who was accused
of luring victims to his home
441
00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,770
and drugging, killing,
and dismembering them,
442
00:23:56,803 --> 00:24:00,073
has changed his plea in court
to "guilty but insane."
443
00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:01,274
Ironically, President Bush
444
00:24:01,307 --> 00:24:02,909
has also changed
his campaign slogan
445
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,110
to "guilty but insane"
446
00:24:04,144 --> 00:24:05,945
after luring voters
to the polls,
447
00:24:06,046 --> 00:24:08,415
misleading them, vomiting,
and killing the economy.
448
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:10,850
(audience laughing)
449
00:24:10,884 --> 00:24:14,187
In a survey of 1,000 Americans,
58% said they believe
450
00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:16,690
that President Bush’s
economic plan is a gimmick,
451
00:24:16,723 --> 00:24:19,259
24% said they believe
it’s a gizmo
452
00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:22,562
and 18% believe it’s just one
of those doohickeys.
453
00:24:22,595 --> 00:24:25,665
(audience laughing)
454
00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:28,068
Well, Boris Yeltsin
visited the U.S., Canada,
455
00:24:28,068 --> 00:24:29,402
and Britain this week.
456
00:24:29,436 --> 00:24:31,638
Russia claims it wasn’t
an official or planned visit
457
00:24:31,671 --> 00:24:34,341
but merely Boris wandering
around in a drunken stupor.
458
00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:39,145
(audience laughing)
459
00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:40,213
It was learned this week
460
00:24:40,246 --> 00:24:43,483
that 62-year-old
PLO leader Yassir Arafar
461
00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:44,718
has finally settled down
462
00:24:44,751 --> 00:24:47,387
and married
his 28-year-old secretary.
463
00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:48,922
Sorry, ladies.
464
00:24:48,955 --> 00:24:52,292
(audience laughing)
465
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:53,293
Too bad.
466
00:24:56,329 --> 00:24:57,997
On a scale of 1 to 10,
Gennifer Flowers
467
00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,066
gave presidential hopeful
Bill Clinton a nine
468
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:01,067
as a lover.
469
00:25:01,101 --> 00:25:02,102
She said
it would have been a 10
470
00:25:02,135 --> 00:25:04,037
except he had
no healthcare plan.
471
00:25:04,037 --> 00:25:06,639
(audience laughing)
472
00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:08,441
Well, the New Hampshire primary
is heating up
473
00:25:08,475 --> 00:25:09,809
and like most Americans,
474
00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:11,745
I don’t make my final choice
of who Ill vote for
475
00:25:11,778 --> 00:25:13,580
until the evening gown
and swimsuit part
476
00:25:13,613 --> 00:25:14,647
of the competition.
477
00:25:21,221 --> 00:25:23,923
Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II
celebrated 40 years
478
00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:25,959
on the throne this week.
479
00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,061
She might want to try
some laxatives.
480
00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:35,835
Well, this week,
the Haitian boat people
481
00:25:35,869 --> 00:25:37,070
were ordered back to Haiti
482
00:25:37,103 --> 00:25:39,873
from the Guantanamo Bay
refugee camp in Cuba.
483
00:25:39,906 --> 00:25:41,608
Just returned
from Port of Prince, Haiti
484
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:44,210
is our star Caribbean reporter
Crystal Blue Persuasion.
485
00:25:44,244 --> 00:25:46,112
Crystal,
how is it going over there?
486
00:25:46,146 --> 00:25:48,815
(audience applauding)
487
00:25:48,848 --> 00:25:49,716
Crys.
488
00:25:51,484 --> 00:25:53,453
Things are terrible, Kevin,
you know?
489
00:25:53,486 --> 00:25:56,556
You see, I don’t know how
we could have let them people
490
00:25:56,589 --> 00:25:59,592
go back to that backwood
godforsaken country.
491
00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:02,629
Haiti puts the back,
back in backwoods.
492
00:26:02,662 --> 00:26:06,666
You know, I have seen more
concern for holes in the ozone
493
00:26:06,700 --> 00:26:10,236
and for "Where’s Waldo"
than for human beings.
494
00:26:10,270 --> 00:26:12,339
But you know, I told them,
Haitians, you know,
495
00:26:12,372 --> 00:26:13,940
I said,
"Nobody cares about you
496
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,510
’cause number one,
you speak French, okay?"
497
00:26:17,544 --> 00:26:19,646
We hate the French in America,
you know?
498
00:26:19,679 --> 00:26:23,350
They’re snotty
and they don’t wash and--
499
00:26:23,383 --> 00:26:24,351
and their language.
500
00:26:24,384 --> 00:26:25,819
It don’t make sense,
you know.
501
00:26:25,852 --> 00:26:27,554
It don’t spell
the way it sounds.
502
00:26:27,587 --> 00:26:29,589
Oui. Oui. O-U-I. Oui.
503
00:26:29,622 --> 00:26:31,891
O-U-I spells owi.
504
00:26:33,093 --> 00:26:36,062
What, them never hear
of phonics?
505
00:26:36,062 --> 00:26:38,832
And number two,
nobody cares
506
00:26:38,865 --> 00:26:43,069
because you don’t have no famous
movie star spokesperson.
507
00:26:43,069 --> 00:26:46,706
Them crippled children,
them have Jerry Lewis.
508
00:26:46,740 --> 00:26:48,942
Stray animals
have Betty White.
509
00:26:48,975 --> 00:26:52,946
And you know why them Cubans are
here in this country right now?
510
00:26:52,979 --> 00:26:55,915
Two words,
Ricky Ricardo.
511
00:26:57,083 --> 00:26:58,084
Trust me now,
512
00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:00,887
if Jacques Cousteau
was Haitian,
513
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:04,024
them refugees would be
in New York right now.
514
00:27:04,024 --> 00:27:06,292
See, I’m Jamaican. Why do you
think I’m here, huh?
515
00:27:06,326 --> 00:27:09,396
Why do you think 1.5 million
Jamaicans are here right now?
516
00:27:09,429 --> 00:27:10,864
Because we give you so much.
517
00:27:10,897 --> 00:27:13,033
We give you
Jamaican beef patties.
518
00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:14,601
We give you reggae.
519
00:27:14,634 --> 00:27:16,436
We give you
the whole Marley family.
520
00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:18,672
Bob Marley, Rita, Ziggy.
521
00:27:18,705 --> 00:27:21,041
And two words,
Harry Belafonte.
522
00:27:21,041 --> 00:27:22,042
I rest my case.
523
00:27:22,042 --> 00:27:24,144
Thank you,
Crystal Blue Persuasion.
524
00:27:26,479 --> 00:27:27,681
Thank you, Crystal.
525
00:27:27,714 --> 00:27:31,051
Well said. I Thank you.
Certainly. Certainly.
526
00:27:32,385 --> 00:27:33,820
Well, hundreds of spectators
527
00:27:33,853 --> 00:27:35,455
watched on groundhog’s day
Sunday
528
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,424
as Punxsutawney Phil
came out of his hole,
529
00:27:37,457 --> 00:27:41,494
saw his shadow and was shot dead
by Pat Buchanan,
530
00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:44,564
indicating no more weeks of
winter, spring, summer or fall
531
00:27:44,597 --> 00:27:45,932
for the groundhog.
532
00:27:48,068 --> 00:27:50,170
You know, there’s been a lot
of people throughout history
533
00:27:50,203 --> 00:27:52,639
who’ve eventually died.
534
00:27:55,775 --> 00:27:57,677
There are at least
six criminal cases
535
00:27:57,711 --> 00:27:59,479
being tried in U.S. courts
this week.
536
00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:03,316
Noriega, Dr. Kevorkian,
Jeffrey Dahmer,
537
00:28:03,350 --> 00:28:07,387
Mike Tyson, the LAPD,
and John Gatti.
538
00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:10,123
Fortunately,
all the verdicts are in.
539
00:28:10,156 --> 00:28:13,059
And here they are,
in no particular order.
540
00:28:13,093 --> 00:28:17,364
Guilty, not guilty,
not guilty, not guilty,
541
00:28:17,397 --> 00:28:20,300
guilty,
guilty but insane.
542
00:28:21,401 --> 00:28:22,869
Tough one, Mike.
543
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,242
Well, one of the witnesses
at the Mike Tyson trial said
544
00:28:29,275 --> 00:28:30,744
that when Tyson came on to her,
545
00:28:30,777 --> 00:28:33,046
she got rid of him by simply
giving him the phone number
546
00:28:33,079 --> 00:28:34,547
for the weather.
547
00:28:34,581 --> 00:28:36,716
Testifying next week
that Tyson also harassed her
548
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:38,685
will be the weather lady.
549
00:28:40,553 --> 00:28:43,523
Larry Holmes defeated Ray Mercer
in a 12-round fight last night.
550
00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:45,792
The win will now pit Holmes
against George Forman
551
00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:48,795
in what’s being termed
the Angina in Carolina.
552
00:28:52,098 --> 00:28:53,667
(clears throat)
553
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:57,170
You know, there are a lot
of people out there.
554
00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,777
Well, it seems the JFK
controversy just won’t die.
555
00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:06,179
New evidence backing the lone
gunman’s single bullet theory
556
00:29:06,212 --> 00:29:08,314
was uncovered today.
557
00:29:08,348 --> 00:29:09,716
The Warrant commission
concluded
558
00:29:09,749 --> 00:29:12,252
that a single bullet entered
Kennedy’s shoulder,
559
00:29:12,285 --> 00:29:15,255
made a quick left
and then a quick right,
560
00:29:15,288 --> 00:29:18,758
out of his throat into
the armpit of Governor Connally,
561
00:29:18,792 --> 00:29:20,794
even through Connally’s wrist
562
00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:24,564
and then into his-his knee
right here.
563
00:29:24,597 --> 00:29:27,033
The bullet then lodged
onto a nearby freight train,
564
00:29:27,033 --> 00:29:28,401
traveling to Dallas Airport,
565
00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,271
onto a plane over to Italy,
566
00:29:31,304 --> 00:29:32,706
hanging out there
for a few years
567
00:29:32,739 --> 00:29:33,873
and then continuing its path
568
00:29:33,907 --> 00:29:36,343
into the body
of Pope John Paul II.
569
00:29:37,510 --> 00:29:38,812
After disappearing
for some time,
570
00:29:38,845 --> 00:29:41,915
it suddenly showed up
in Albradril, France today
571
00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:44,751
where it will compete
in the men’s downhill slalom.
572
00:29:46,486 --> 00:29:48,621
It’s not known if the bullet
will be representing Cuba,
573
00:29:48,655 --> 00:29:50,757
the Mafia or the CIA.
574
00:29:55,195 --> 00:29:57,063
This year, the International
Olympic Committee announced
575
00:29:57,097 --> 00:29:59,432
there would be stricter rules
and regulations
576
00:29:59,466 --> 00:30:01,034
at the 16th
Winter Olympic games.
577
00:30:01,067 --> 00:30:02,602
During the opening ceremonies,
578
00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:06,072
six musicians were promptly hung
after hitting two wrong notes.
579
00:30:09,042 --> 00:30:11,011
Every year, thousands of people
from all over the world
580
00:30:11,044 --> 00:30:12,979
have flocked to New Orleans
for Mardi Gras.
581
00:30:13,013 --> 00:30:14,514
Here to fill us in
on what to expect
582
00:30:14,547 --> 00:30:16,983
from this years Mardi Gras
is Weekend Update’s Cajun Man.
583
00:30:17,017 --> 00:30:17,951
Hello, Cajun Man.
584
00:30:23,056 --> 00:30:25,291
Kevon.
585
00:30:25,325 --> 00:30:26,526
Now I bet
at the Mardi Gras,
586
00:30:26,559 --> 00:30:28,461
there’s a lot
of Cajun food, huh?
587
00:30:28,495 --> 00:30:29,629
Onion.
588
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:31,931
Hmm, that sounds good.
589
00:30:31,965 --> 00:30:34,868
Now what is--what is
the Mardi Gras all about?
590
00:30:34,901 --> 00:30:37,303
Celebration.
591
00:30:37,337 --> 00:30:39,906
Folks get pretty happy
down there, don’t they?
592
00:30:39,939 --> 00:30:41,307
Intoxication.
593
00:30:42,876 --> 00:30:44,611
There’s so many people
down there, I heard, too.
594
00:30:44,644 --> 00:30:48,081
-I bet it’s hard to find
a hotel room, isn’t it?
-Make reservation.
595
00:30:49,649 --> 00:30:50,950
Well, good idea.
596
00:30:50,984 --> 00:30:53,720
Any hotel rooms
you might recommend?
597
00:30:53,753 --> 00:30:54,854
The Hilton.
598
00:30:56,256 --> 00:30:57,190
Hmm.
599
00:30:58,525 --> 00:31:01,661
They have good entertainment
down there?
600
00:31:01,695 --> 00:31:02,896
Magician.
601
00:31:02,929 --> 00:31:04,397
Great. Great.
602
00:31:04,431 --> 00:31:07,400
I guess you’ll be drinking
a few beers yourself down there,
603
00:31:07,434 --> 00:31:08,835
won’t you?
604
00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,136
Rehabilitation.
605
00:31:12,872 --> 00:31:17,344
But you were--you were
just having a drink back stage.
606
00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:18,545
Fell off the wagon.
607
00:31:20,313 --> 00:31:23,183
-Well, we all have
our weaknesses, I guess.
-Only human.
608
00:31:24,784 --> 00:31:27,620
Uh, maybe we should just change
the subject.
609
00:31:27,654 --> 00:31:30,557
-Let’s move on.
-Sorry.
610
00:31:30,590 --> 00:31:35,228
Anyways, they got those
wild parades at Mardi Gras,
611
00:31:35,261 --> 00:31:37,864
I bet you could meet some pretty
beautiful women, huh?
612
00:31:37,897 --> 00:31:38,998
On occasion.
613
00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:41,968
I understand
that you were hanging out
614
00:31:42,002 --> 00:31:44,704
with a pretty exotic dancer
last year,
615
00:31:44,738 --> 00:31:46,206
what happened there?
616
00:31:46,239 --> 00:31:47,407
Infection.
617
00:31:52,012 --> 00:31:54,147
That’s kind of tough.
618
00:31:54,180 --> 00:31:57,017
-You took care of that?
-Oh, yeah, penicillin.
619
00:31:58,818 --> 00:32:01,821
Well, I hope this year,
you’re gonna make sure to--
620
00:32:01,855 --> 00:32:03,056
Use a Trojan.
621
00:32:09,629 --> 00:32:13,466
I’m just glad that you learned
a valuable lesson, Cajun Man.
622
00:32:13,500 --> 00:32:16,102
Me, too, Nealon.
623
00:32:16,136 --> 00:32:17,504
All right.
Thanks, Cajun Man.
624
00:32:17,537 --> 00:32:18,738
By the way,
if I’m down there,
625
00:32:18,772 --> 00:32:20,940
what’s your room number
at the Hilton?
626
00:32:20,974 --> 00:32:23,276
7-11.
627
00:32:23,309 --> 00:32:25,912
-Guess I should
have known that.
-Yes, dumb question.
628
00:32:28,314 --> 00:32:30,417
-Cajun Man, everyone.
-Kevin Nealon.
629
00:32:41,695 --> 00:32:43,630
Rumors of a mutually
beneficial agreement
630
00:32:43,663 --> 00:32:45,098
between the U.S. and Japan
surfaced this week.
631
00:32:45,098 --> 00:32:46,466
According to the reports,
632
00:32:46,499 --> 00:32:49,269
the plan suggests that we
will agree to stop building cars
633
00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:51,404
if the Japanese agree
to stop driving them.
634
00:32:52,906 --> 00:32:55,475
And Mattel now reports that
the most popular toy in America
635
00:32:55,508 --> 00:32:57,544
is a Piñata
in the shape of Japan.
636
00:33:01,047 --> 00:33:02,349
As a gesture of goodwill,
637
00:33:02,382 --> 00:33:05,618
France is sending New York City
six public pay toilets.
638
00:33:05,652 --> 00:33:08,188
The toilets will replace
the Statue of Liberty.
639
00:33:08,221 --> 00:33:11,458
Give me your tired, your poor,
your got-to-go masses.
640
00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:16,363
On the medical front,
the FDA continues to sanction
641
00:33:16,396 --> 00:33:18,365
the use of saline
breast implants for women,
642
00:33:18,398 --> 00:33:20,333
saying the saline implants
are not only safe
643
00:33:20,367 --> 00:33:22,335
but if your husband or
boyfriends gets a sore throat,
644
00:33:22,369 --> 00:33:23,970
he can gargle your breasts.
645
00:33:28,875 --> 00:33:31,177
You know, in closing,
uh, in closing,
646
00:33:31,211 --> 00:33:33,580
I’d like to add a brief footnote
about all the Japan bashing
647
00:33:33,613 --> 00:33:35,348
across the country.
648
00:33:35,382 --> 00:33:37,350
As an American,
I think that this behavior
649
00:33:37,384 --> 00:33:39,686
is an outright shame fashion,
basham,
650
00:33:39,719 --> 00:33:41,521
and to be honest with you,
651
00:33:41,554 --> 00:33:44,357
I don’t really want to be
involved in any way, ringleader.
652
00:33:44,391 --> 00:33:48,094
Now when Japan’s Prime Minister
said Americans lack work ethics
653
00:33:48,128 --> 00:33:49,262
and were lazy,
cheap shot,
654
00:33:49,295 --> 00:33:52,732
all he meant was we should learn
to work properly
655
00:33:52,766 --> 00:33:55,135
from Monday to Friday,
too long.
656
00:33:55,168 --> 00:33:57,504
I say let’s stop
being so insensitive
657
00:33:57,537 --> 00:33:58,538
to the Japanese,
bastards.
658
00:33:58,571 --> 00:33:59,873
Let’s face it,
659
00:33:59,906 --> 00:34:03,209
our failing economy
is not their fault, George Bush.
660
00:34:03,243 --> 00:34:05,545
I don’t know,
maybe we could learn something
661
00:34:05,578 --> 00:34:06,813
from the Japanese,
sneak attack.
662
00:34:06,846 --> 00:34:08,515
I mean,
they’re-- you know.
663
00:34:09,916 --> 00:34:12,118
I’m speaking
from my heart.
664
00:34:13,787 --> 00:34:16,322
Actually, they’re very diligent
workers, anal retentive,
665
00:34:16,356 --> 00:34:18,725
and that I think
should-should count
666
00:34:18,758 --> 00:34:20,260
for at least something,
buy American.
667
00:34:20,293 --> 00:34:22,729
I’m Kevin Nealon, big star,
and that’s news to me.
668
00:34:37,143 --> 00:34:40,480
Announcer:And nowDeep Thoughts
669
00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:42,282
by Jack Handey.
670
00:34:46,386 --> 00:34:48,922
Jack Handey: If you ever gotemporarily insane,
671
00:34:48,955 --> 00:34:52,092
don’t shoot somebody,like a lot of people do.
672
00:34:52,125 --> 00:34:54,627
Instead,try to get some weeding done,
673
00:34:54,661 --> 00:34:56,596
because you’d reallybe surprised.
674
00:35:02,068 --> 00:35:03,770
Well,
I just want to tell you
675
00:35:03,803 --> 00:35:05,805
that I’ve had
a wonderful time tonight.
676
00:35:05,839 --> 00:35:09,342
We’ve got to thank Faith
and Jeff for introducing us.
677
00:35:09,376 --> 00:35:12,545
They kept saying, "You guys are
perfect for each other."
678
00:35:12,579 --> 00:35:13,847
I am so glad.
679
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:16,249
I’ve had a really nice time,
too.
680
00:35:16,282 --> 00:35:18,685
I really like the movie.
681
00:35:18,718 --> 00:35:20,787
You didn’t see me
before you picked me up.
682
00:35:20,820 --> 00:35:22,355
I was so nervous.
683
00:35:22,389 --> 00:35:26,426
I was like, woo! woo!
684
00:35:26,459 --> 00:35:27,427
Well, me, too.
685
00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:29,396
I was in my car
on my way to your house
686
00:35:29,429 --> 00:35:35,402
and I was like
(gibbers)
687
00:35:35,435 --> 00:35:37,537
-Excuse me,
are you ready for dessert?
-Yeah.
688
00:35:37,570 --> 00:35:39,472
I’m sorry it took me so long
to get back to you.
689
00:35:39,506 --> 00:35:41,107
We’re short for a few people
in the kitchen
690
00:35:41,141 --> 00:35:42,642
and I’m just like, ahh!
691
00:35:42,676 --> 00:35:46,212
(audience laughing)
692
00:35:46,246 --> 00:35:48,648
And we also, we don’t have
all of our desserts tonight.
693
00:35:48,682 --> 00:35:52,419
-We’re trying out a new chef.
-Well, don’t work him too hard.
694
00:35:52,452 --> 00:35:53,887
Next thing you know,
you’ll go in the back
695
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:55,088
and you’ll be
in the kitchen there
696
00:35:55,088 --> 00:35:57,557
and you go, "slash, slash."
(grunts)
697
00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:59,793
(audience laughing)
698
00:35:59,826 --> 00:36:02,028
-I’ll have the sundae.
-Well, I’ll have the same.
699
00:36:02,028 --> 00:36:03,296
All right, thank you.
700
00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:04,297
Well, you know, Karen,
701
00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:06,900
like I said before,
I was nervous, too.
702
00:36:06,933 --> 00:36:11,905
But when I saw you,
it was like (grunts).
703
00:36:11,938 --> 00:36:13,440
(audience laughing)
704
00:36:13,473 --> 00:36:15,075
Oh, I know.
705
00:36:15,108 --> 00:36:18,178
I saw you get out of your car
from my apartment window
706
00:36:18,211 --> 00:36:19,379
and I was like--
707
00:36:21,881 --> 00:36:24,084
(audience laughing)
708
00:36:29,255 --> 00:36:30,824
-Are you okay?
-Yes.
709
00:36:30,857 --> 00:36:32,592
Okay, oh, would you like nuts
on your sundae?
710
00:36:32,625 --> 00:36:34,194
Yes.
711
00:36:34,227 --> 00:36:35,495
-How about you, sir?
-No, no, no.
712
00:36:35,528 --> 00:36:36,563
I’m allergic to nuts.
713
00:36:36,596 --> 00:36:38,531
If I--if I have nuts
in my food,
714
00:36:38,565 --> 00:36:40,633
I’m like (screams),
715
00:36:40,667 --> 00:36:42,635
buttons, buttons.
716
00:36:42,669 --> 00:36:45,238
( retching )
Refuse.
717
00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,073
Sorry.
718
00:36:47,073 --> 00:36:48,742
Well, enjoy.
719
00:36:48,775 --> 00:36:51,311
So how long have you
known Faith and Jeff?
720
00:36:51,344 --> 00:36:53,113
Oh, a long time, you know.
721
00:36:53,146 --> 00:36:55,081
And Faith is really neat.
722
00:36:55,081 --> 00:36:58,218
But Jeff is like
(gibbers)
723
00:36:58,251 --> 00:37:00,587
Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!
724
00:37:00,620 --> 00:37:02,255
-Exactly. Exactly.
-Yeah.
725
00:37:02,288 --> 00:37:04,391
You know, Faith and I
dated for a short time.
726
00:37:04,424 --> 00:37:07,660
But luckily,
we remain friends.
727
00:37:07,694 --> 00:37:10,430
-Did it get serious?
-Well, it did.
728
00:37:10,463 --> 00:37:12,365
Once we were kissing
and fooling around in my car
729
00:37:12,399 --> 00:37:16,036
and the next thing you know,
it was (gibbers)
730
00:37:16,069 --> 00:37:18,405
Yeah!
(gibbers)
731
00:37:18,438 --> 00:37:21,141
-Really?
-Yeah.
732
00:37:21,174 --> 00:37:22,942
Did you really
have a good time tonight?
733
00:37:23,043 --> 00:37:26,279
-Yes, everything has been great.
-Good.
734
00:37:26,312 --> 00:37:27,681
You know,
I was kind of embarrassed
735
00:37:27,714 --> 00:37:30,083
when that drunk on the street
tried to talk to you.
736
00:37:30,116 --> 00:37:32,652
Oh, I know.
He was so disgusting.
737
00:37:32,686 --> 00:37:36,056
He was like--
738
00:37:36,089 --> 00:37:38,058
(makes farting sound)
739
00:37:38,058 --> 00:37:42,462
Thank you and I was like,
"Oh, let’s get out of here."
740
00:37:42,495 --> 00:37:43,830
(laughs)
741
00:37:43,863 --> 00:37:47,400
Oh, you know, speaking of which,
we should get going.
742
00:37:47,434 --> 00:37:49,502
-I have to go to work tomorrow.
-Yeah.
743
00:37:49,536 --> 00:37:51,071
I really have had a great time,
you know?
744
00:37:51,071 --> 00:37:52,872
Oh, yeah.
Well, me, too.
745
00:37:52,906 --> 00:37:57,377
I--I think I love you.
746
00:37:57,410 --> 00:38:00,847
-Excuse me, what?
-I think I love you.
747
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,549
I don’t understand.
748
00:38:02,582 --> 00:38:07,554
When I look at you, I’m like
(imitates beating sound)
749
00:38:07,587 --> 00:38:10,390
Please don’t say that.
750
00:38:10,423 --> 00:38:12,258
When somebody
says that to me,
751
00:38:12,292 --> 00:38:14,661
I’m like whoosh!
752
00:38:14,694 --> 00:38:17,163
I’m sorry, I didn’t go
(imitates beating sound)
753
00:38:17,197 --> 00:38:18,865
to make you go whoosh!
754
00:38:18,898 --> 00:38:23,103
’cause I’m not
(grunts)
755
00:38:23,136 --> 00:38:25,438
And I didn’t go
(imitates beating sound)
756
00:38:25,472 --> 00:38:28,108
so that I could go
(gibbers)
757
00:38:28,141 --> 00:38:29,109
Yeah!
758
00:38:29,142 --> 00:38:30,677
Or honk, honk!
759
00:38:30,710 --> 00:38:32,178
(laughter)
760
00:38:32,212 --> 00:38:35,281
So, uh,
forget I said anything, okay?
761
00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:38,051
And, well,
let’s--let’s just take it slow.
762
00:38:38,051 --> 00:38:39,886
I like that.
763
00:38:39,919 --> 00:38:42,422
Why don’t we get the--
764
00:38:42,455 --> 00:38:45,258
-I’m sorry, what?
-The, uh--
765
00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:46,292
-No.
-The check?
766
00:38:46,326 --> 00:38:48,061
Yes.
767
00:38:48,094 --> 00:38:50,597
Oh, right, yes.
The check, of course.
768
00:38:50,630 --> 00:38:52,065
I’ll take that
whenever you’re ready.
769
00:38:52,065 --> 00:38:53,333
All right.
770
00:38:53,366 --> 00:38:58,338
(grunting)
771
00:38:58,371 --> 00:39:02,876
(audience cheering)
772
00:39:10,617 --> 00:39:12,819
Oh, my God! Susan Dey!
I can’t believe it.
773
00:39:12,852 --> 00:39:13,653
You are a muse to me!
774
00:39:13,687 --> 00:39:15,021
You know,
I have loved you
775
00:39:15,021 --> 00:39:18,024
ever since you were
at a partridge in a pear tree.
776
00:39:18,058 --> 00:39:19,559
I can’t believe, you know,
I was making a joke.
777
00:39:19,592 --> 00:39:21,061
-That was funny.
-Thank you.
778
00:39:21,094 --> 00:39:23,029
-That’s very sweet of you.
-Oh, no, no. Wait a minute.
779
00:39:23,029 --> 00:39:24,831
You know, something?
I am so jealous of you
780
00:39:24,864 --> 00:39:27,600
because you’ve got to sleep
with Victor Sifuentes
781
00:39:27,634 --> 00:39:28,601
every single week.
782
00:39:28,635 --> 00:39:29,703
I could kill myself,
you know.
783
00:39:29,736 --> 00:39:31,438
I know, it’s really sexy
784
00:39:31,471 --> 00:39:33,573
-but, you know,
we didn’t really--
-I don’t want to hear it.
785
00:39:33,606 --> 00:39:35,942
So you are a real sister now,
you know that?
786
00:39:36,042 --> 00:39:39,446
(speaks Spanish)
sister of the blood.
787
00:39:39,479 --> 00:39:40,947
-I’m--I’m afraid
I don’t understand.
-You know, see,
788
00:39:41,047 --> 00:39:42,849
after you sleep
with a Spanish guy,
789
00:39:42,882 --> 00:39:44,818
then you are
(speaks Spanish)
790
00:39:44,851 --> 00:39:46,119
A sister forever.
791
00:39:46,152 --> 00:39:47,287
Oh, oh, well,
that’s very flattering.
792
00:39:47,320 --> 00:39:48,455
But you see,
we really didn’t--
793
00:39:48,488 --> 00:39:49,956
You know something,
don’t you hate it,
794
00:39:50,056 --> 00:39:51,825
like, when you’re sleeping
with a Spanish guy, right,
795
00:39:51,858 --> 00:39:53,259
and he starts
to call you, "Mommy."
796
00:39:53,293 --> 00:39:55,295
-Don’t you hate it?
-What?
797
00:39:55,328 --> 00:39:59,432
You know, he’s saying,
"Ay, mommy, ay, ay, ay, mommy."
798
00:39:59,466 --> 00:40:00,900
Don’t you hate that?
799
00:40:00,934 --> 00:40:03,036
-Who are you?
-Oh, I’m Zorraida.
800
00:40:03,069 --> 00:40:06,072
Zorraida, get a grip.
We were just acting.
801
00:40:06,106 --> 00:40:07,640
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right, right, right, okay.
802
00:40:07,674 --> 00:40:10,343
If you was acting,
then how come you got pregnant?
803
00:40:10,377 --> 00:40:11,978
Explain that.
And then--
804
00:40:12,012 --> 00:40:14,247
By the way, whatever
happened to that baby anyways?
805
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,317
-(speaks Spanish)
-How do I get this through you?
806
00:40:17,350 --> 00:40:21,154
I did not sleep with Victor
Sifuentes or Jimmy Smiths, okay?
807
00:40:21,187 --> 00:40:23,490
Okay. You don’t have
to get loud at me.
808
00:40:23,523 --> 00:40:24,557
I wasn’t getting loud.
809
00:40:24,591 --> 00:40:25,959
Oh, you wasn’t getting loud
810
00:40:25,992 --> 00:40:28,328
like you didn’t sleep
with Jimmy Smiths, huh?
811
00:40:28,361 --> 00:40:29,829
Oh, shut up.
812
00:40:29,863 --> 00:40:32,165
Excuse me?
No, no, no, what did you say?
813
00:40:32,198 --> 00:40:33,667
And what--
Who are you talking to?
814
00:40:33,700 --> 00:40:35,635
Excuse me?
You think you’re better than me?
815
00:40:35,669 --> 00:40:36,903
You think you’re better than me?
816
00:40:36,936 --> 00:40:39,439
Remember, your family
used to sleep in a bus.
817
00:40:39,472 --> 00:40:40,940
That’s right. That’s right.
818
00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:43,977
Oh, you think-- What makes you
think, I work hard, too.
819
00:40:44,010 --> 00:40:47,447
-(speaks Spanish)
-(audience applauding)
820
00:40:56,489 --> 00:40:59,459
You know, I may not be
a major art critic or anything,
821
00:40:59,492 --> 00:41:02,062
but I really like
this painting.
822
00:41:14,074 --> 00:41:18,244
Wow. You know, I may be just
an arrogant, bandwagon-jumping,
823
00:41:18,278 --> 00:41:20,680
yuppie lawyer
who knows nothing about art,
824
00:41:20,714 --> 00:41:22,082
but I fool myself into thinking
825
00:41:22,082 --> 00:41:23,583
people feel my opinion
is important,
826
00:41:23,616 --> 00:41:25,085
so I’m compelled to give one.
827
00:41:26,386 --> 00:41:28,988
-Crap.
-(audience laughs)
828
00:41:29,089 --> 00:41:31,791
Now hold on a second.
829
00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:34,094
I know I’m just
a bored housewife
830
00:41:34,127 --> 00:41:36,463
who only came in here
to buy a museum tote bag
831
00:41:36,496 --> 00:41:38,098
so that people on my city bus
832
00:41:38,098 --> 00:41:41,201
-will think I’m cultured.
-(audience laughs)
833
00:41:41,234 --> 00:41:43,503
But by initiating
a conversation with me,
834
00:41:43,536 --> 00:41:46,506
you’ve given me the opportunity
to run my big, fat yapper
835
00:41:46,539 --> 00:41:48,908
and annoy somebody
besides my husband and children
836
00:41:48,942 --> 00:41:50,977
for a change.
837
00:41:51,011 --> 00:41:52,545
I think it’s very good.
838
00:41:53,913 --> 00:41:56,416
You remind me of my mother.
839
00:41:56,449 --> 00:41:58,184
-I am leaving the museum.
-(audience applauds)
840
00:42:00,820 --> 00:42:02,789
Wait. I’ll go with you.
841
00:42:06,626 --> 00:42:08,762
Look at this one.
842
00:42:08,795 --> 00:42:10,296
You know,
even though I’m in college
843
00:42:10,330 --> 00:42:11,531
majoring in Art History,
844
00:42:11,564 --> 00:42:13,533
I still know nothing
about art,
845
00:42:13,566 --> 00:42:16,202
due mainly for the fact
that I chose that major,
846
00:42:16,236 --> 00:42:18,705
not to learn, but rather
to get revenge on my parents.
847
00:42:18,738 --> 00:42:20,173
(Crowd laughing)
848
00:42:20,206 --> 00:42:22,108
In addition to my choice
of major,
849
00:42:22,142 --> 00:42:24,744
I’m doing other things
to upset and irritate them,
850
00:42:24,778 --> 00:42:28,248
such as dating a black man,
851
00:42:28,281 --> 00:42:31,184
and shaving
the side of my head.
852
00:42:31,217 --> 00:42:33,920
It reminds me
of that dot-painting guy.
853
00:42:38,658 --> 00:42:39,626
I couldn’t help overhearing
what you were saying.
854
00:42:39,659 --> 00:42:41,928
I, like you,
majored in Art History,
855
00:42:41,961 --> 00:42:43,930
but I enjoyed it,
or, at least,
856
00:42:43,963 --> 00:42:47,734
created the illusion
I liked it because I had to.
857
00:42:47,767 --> 00:42:49,269
As a left-wing,
PBS-watching,
858
00:42:49,302 --> 00:42:50,937
pottery-making gay activist...
859
00:42:50,970 --> 00:42:53,239
(Crowd laughing)
860
00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:56,910
it was expected that I enjoy it
along with foreign films
861
00:42:56,943 --> 00:43:00,480
and goatees.
862
00:43:00,513 --> 00:43:03,183
And now for my predictable,
pretentious opinion
863
00:43:03,216 --> 00:43:07,554
on this painting,
it’s revolting.
864
00:43:07,587 --> 00:43:08,888
Really?
865
00:43:08,922 --> 00:43:11,825
Well, before we get
into a fight over this,
866
00:43:11,858 --> 00:43:13,426
I’m going to interrupt
this conversation
867
00:43:13,460 --> 00:43:15,395
by dragging
this spoiled white freak
868
00:43:15,428 --> 00:43:17,897
over to the Banana Republic
to buy me some new clothes,
869
00:43:17,931 --> 00:43:20,133
and maybe a belt,
so I can tie her up later
870
00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:21,668
and make her moo like a cow.
871
00:43:21,701 --> 00:43:26,072
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
872
00:43:27,207 --> 00:43:28,842
Fifteen minutes to closing!
873
00:43:28,875 --> 00:43:32,345
Fifteen minutes,
and the gallery will be closed.
874
00:43:35,081 --> 00:43:38,852
You know, even though
I’ve worked here for 8 years,
875
00:43:38,885 --> 00:43:40,854
I never really had the time
to enjoy
876
00:43:40,887 --> 00:43:43,089
looking at the paintings.
877
00:43:43,089 --> 00:43:47,093
I guess I’m just too busy
loafing around.
878
00:43:47,127 --> 00:43:49,396
And dreaming about 5:00 PM,
879
00:43:49,429 --> 00:43:52,465
when I can punch the clock
and haul my fat ass home
880
00:43:52,499 --> 00:43:55,168
to my place in Queens
and watch "Growing Pains".
881
00:43:55,201 --> 00:43:56,870
(Crowd laughing)
882
00:43:56,903 --> 00:43:59,105
With a six-pack
of Pabst’s Blue Ribbon
883
00:43:59,105 --> 00:44:01,408
and a box of Dunkin Donuts
on my lap.
884
00:44:01,441 --> 00:44:04,044
(Crowd laughing)
885
00:44:04,044 --> 00:44:06,446
I just wish I had
the intellectual capacity
886
00:44:06,479 --> 00:44:10,250
to form an opinion
on this painting.
887
00:44:10,283 --> 00:44:13,486
But tragically,
any brain cells I might have had
888
00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:17,323
are long gone through years
of neglect and decay.
889
00:44:17,357 --> 00:44:20,126
(Crowd laughing)
890
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:21,394
Fifteen minutes to closing.
891
00:44:30,637 --> 00:44:34,741
You know, I don’t even know
I’m in a museum right now.
892
00:44:34,774 --> 00:44:37,210
I don’t even know my name.
893
00:44:37,243 --> 00:44:38,411
I’m just excited
I’m in a building
894
00:44:38,445 --> 00:44:41,414
that contains so many people.
895
00:44:41,448 --> 00:44:42,716
Watch me pull down my pants
896
00:44:42,749 --> 00:44:45,085
and run past those kind folks
praising over there,
897
00:44:45,085 --> 00:44:46,319
and scare them to death.
898
00:44:46,353 --> 00:44:47,654
Here goes nothing.
899
00:44:47,687 --> 00:44:50,090
Woo-hoo! I’m naked.
I’m naked. Woo-hoo!
900
00:44:50,090 --> 00:44:53,727
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
901
00:45:08,341 --> 00:45:10,810
Well, what more could we do.
902
00:45:10,844 --> 00:45:15,749
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
903
00:45:15,782 --> 00:45:20,220
On behalf of everyone here
in Studio 88,
904
00:45:20,253 --> 00:45:22,322
from "Saturday Night Live",
905
00:45:22,355 --> 00:45:25,091
we would like to welcome
into this world
906
00:45:25,125 --> 00:45:26,893
Mr. Birgen Hartman.
907
00:45:26,926 --> 00:45:28,128
Yeah.
908
00:45:28,161 --> 00:45:31,064
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
909
00:45:34,801 --> 00:45:39,072
I’ve had a great time.
I’ve had a great time.
910
00:45:39,072 --> 00:45:40,874
Bye-bye.
Thank you.
911
00:45:40,907 --> 00:45:45,311
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
67364
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