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Announcer:You are watchingCable 10,
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Aurora, IllinoisCommunity Access Channel.
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* Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World *
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-* Party time. Excellent *
-* Party time. Excellent *
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-All right.
-(audience applauding)
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Welcome to Wayne’s World.
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Here’s your host,
Wayne Campbell.
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-Whoo!
-Whoo!
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-Party!
-Party!
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-Whoo!
-Party hardy.
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It’s Friday. It’s 10:30.
It’s time to party.
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I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.
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Uh-huh.
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-With me, as always, is Garth.
-Party on, Wayne.
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Party on, Garth.
Okay. All right.
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Well, 1991 is over,
a lot’s happened.
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We won the Gulf War.
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-Excellent.
-Yeah.
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And the Bulls
won the NBA Championship.
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-Excellent.
-Yeah. Okay.
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The hostages were released.
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Uh, the William Kennedy
Smith trial.
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-Hello? Hello?
-(audience laughs)
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Okay.
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And Garth, if I’m not mistaken,
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this is the year
you finally got pubes.
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-(audience laughs)
-Yeah.
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My body is kind of slow
but I got a lot of them now.
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All right. Good. Okay.
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But the most important thing
about 1991
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is that it was the year
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that Communism
fell on the Soviet Union
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which is great, I suppose,
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but Garth and I
are kind of bummed.
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-Yeah, it bites.
-Truly.
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So now we’d like to do
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the Top Ten ReasonsWhy We’re Bummed
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that Communism Fellon the Soviet Union.
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-* Wayne’s World Top Ten *
-* Wayne’s World Top Ten *
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-* Reasons Why We’re Bummed *
-* Reasons Why We’re Bummed *
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-* Communism Fell *
-* Communism Fell *
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-Okay. All right.
-(audience laughs)
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Okay. Number 10.
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-New maps.
-(audience laughs)
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I’m sorry.
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I’m just used to seeing
the Soviet Union
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being this big pink blob,
you know?
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Now with all these
new Republics, you know,
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the maps gonna be this ornate,
multi-hued affair.
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(audience laughs)
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It’s gonna look like
a plate of hurl.
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-(audience laughs)
-Okay.
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-All right.
-Okay.
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Number nine.
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What’s gonna happen
to Yakov Smirnoff?
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(audience applause)
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His career is over.
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Sorry. Toughsky crapsky, Yakov.
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Sorry. Okay. Number eight.
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We’ll, we’ll never find out
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-what that thing
on Gorbachev’s head was?
-(audience laughs)
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-Hello? Hello?
-Grape jam? What?
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-(indistinct chattering)
-Okay, number seven.
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Reason why we’re bummed
communism fell.
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Katarina Witt, you know,
she just seems less exotic now.
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Yeah, I know,
when she was Eastern Bloc,
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she had the taste
of the forbidden fruit.
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-Schwing.
-Schwing.
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-(audience applause)
-What?
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-All right.
-(audience applause)
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Now, now she’s just another
cute chic in an ice show
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-with a tight skater’s butt.
-(audience laughs)
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But still, Garth, that butt
knew no political ideology.
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-Tell it.
-Okay.
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All right. Number six.
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The fall of communism
would deal a major blow
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to the Trade Union Movement.
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Labor relations will revert
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to Industrial Revolutionary
Social Darwinism.
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-Okay.
-(audience laughs)
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-Interesting. Okay.
-Good one.
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Okay. Number five.
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Are they gonna have to change
the name of the song,
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- Back in the U.S.S.R.?
-(audience laughs)
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What?
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Is it gonna have to be,
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* Back in the Commonwealth
of Independent *
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* Back in the Commonwealth
of Independent *
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* Back in the Commonwealth
of Independent states *
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00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:33,680
* Those "Uzbekian" girls
really knock me out *
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-Hello? Okay.
-Anyone?
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Okay. Number four.
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Spy junk in the future
is gonna suck.
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-(audience laughs)
-Yeah.
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Who’s gonna--
Who’s James Bond gonna spy on?
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-The Guatemalans?
-Yeah.
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-As if.
-(audience laughs)
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I know. Okay. All right.
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Ten years from now,
you’re not gonna able to see
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those amazing shows on A&E
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about elite Soviet
commando units
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who can kill people
with their own hair.
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-Yeah. I love A&E.
-(audience laughs)
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Yeah, it’s the World War II
channel.
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00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,576
Okay. Number three.
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Playboy won’t have
any more girls
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-of the Soviet Union nations.
-(audience laughs)
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Huh? Denied.
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Okay. Number two.
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No more bogus Soviet Union
rock bands to make fun of.
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-(audience applause)
-I mean...
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Did you see Live Aid with that
Soviet Union band, Autograph?
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-Excuse me, a baking powder?
-(audience laughs)
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-I’d rather like them. Yet.
-Yet.
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(audience applause)
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All right. Okay.
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-All right.
-All right.
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And the number one reason
why we’re bummed communism fell.
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Well, we probably
won’t be the first ones
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to say on Russian television.
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-Live from New York,
-Live from New York,
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-it’s Saturday Night.
-it’s Saturday Night.
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Announcer:It’sSaturday Night Live.
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With Dana Carvey,
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Chris Farley,
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Phil Hartman,
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Victoria Jackson,
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Mike Myers,
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Kevin Nealon,
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Chris Rock,
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Julia Sweeney,
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with Ellen Cleghorne,
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Siobhan Fallon,
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Tim Meadows,
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Adam Sandler,
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Rob Schneider,
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David Spade.
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And featuring,
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Beth Cahill,
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00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,796
Melanie Hutsell,
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00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,831
Robert Smigel,
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G.E. Smith and the SaturdayNight Live Band.
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Musical guest,Robbie Robertson.
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-And starring, Chevy Chase.
-(audience applauding)
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Announcer: You’ve foundthat one special someone,
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and you never want to be apart.
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You dine together,
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you play together,
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you sleep together,
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you even bathe together.
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So why not share the mostintimate moment of them all?
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-With the Love Toilet.
-(audience applauding)
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Exquisitely designed,
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hand-craftedof the finest porcelain
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with flushes handlingand float bowl
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00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:09,396
imported from France,the nation of love.
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- The Love Toilet.
-(audience laughs)
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From Niagara,the toilet people.
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Because when you’re in love,
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even five minutes apartcan seem like an eternity.
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Announcer:The Love Toilet.
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Available at all Bambergers,and other fine stores.
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(audience applauding)
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Woman:Adopt-A-Pet
is a non-profit organization
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that tries to find homesfor abandoned animals.
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Hi and welcome to Adopt-A-Pet.
I’m Tom Hanes.
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And I’m Terry Hanes.
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This week, we’ve got
a few more abandoned pets
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that could really use
a good home.
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Let’s meet one of them.
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This guy over here
is Sparky.
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He’s a growler
who loves to bark.
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He’s full of energy,
like a little spark plug,
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that’s why we call him Sparky.
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(chuckles)
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The best thing about Sparky
is that he’s an early riser.
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He’s up before the crack
of dawn,
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barking and yelping
and whining and growling.
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He’s a very loud dog.
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So if you want
to adopt Sparky,
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just call the number
on the bottom of your screen.
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Now Sparky is not a city dog.
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He’s a little nervous.
He needs to run.
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He loves to eat,
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but he’s got a little trouble
digesting.
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I’d love to keep him,
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but I don’t think he’s gonna
get along with my other dogs.
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He’s kind of a scrapper.
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So please call.
Sparky’s waiting.
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Well, while we’re waiting for
the phone to ring for Sparky,
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Terry, why don’t you
tell us a little
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about your second pet
over there?
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Okay.
Well, this is Fluffy.
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She’s an orange Calico,
Isn’t she adorable?
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00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,911
(chuckles)
Yeah, she is so cute.
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00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,746
And if you have a lot
of secondhand furniture,
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then Fluffy
is the cat for you.
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She loves to scratch
and bite and spit.
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Fluffy’s not a children’s
kind of cat.
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Fluffy is more for someone
who enjoys the unpredictable,
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a good surprise.
202
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Now if you want to adopt Fluffy,
please call us.
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Fluffy doesn’t like
litter boxes.
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And if you’ll adopt Fluffy,
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you’ll also get
an extra added bonus.
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Sit.
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She’s pregnant.
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00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,390
Yeah, that’s right.
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Within a few weeks,
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Fluffy will drop a litter of
kittens somewhere in your house.
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I’m sure
she’ll make a great mother,
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at least,
until she goes into heat again.
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So if you want
to adopt Fluffy,
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00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:05,171
just call the number
at the bottom of your screen.
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00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,641
You should also know
that Sparky is still available.
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00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,647
(phone rings)
217
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:15,815
Hey.
218
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,685
-Hello, Adopt a Pet.
-Yeah, Hi.
219
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:21,955
Do you think Fluffy would makea good pet for my grandmother?
220
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,289
I wouldn’t chance it.
221
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,258
Okay, thanks.
222
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,361
All right.
223
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,563
Our last pet today
is really exotic.
224
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,731
That’s right.
225
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:35,535
Mr. Bonkers,
and he’s a rhesus monkey.
226
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,905
-It’s really unusual
to have a monkey for a pet.
-That’s right.
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00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,141
It’s even more unusual
to have one with syphilis.
228
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,745
Unfortunately,
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00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,081
the syphilis is at a very
pretty advanced stage,
230
00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:51,051
so Mr. Bonkers
is visually impaired.
231
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,453
He’s probably also insane,
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00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,656
but in a monkey,
that’s hard to know for sure.
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00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,058
Either way,
Mr. Bonkers is to make
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some lucky family a great pet.
235
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:02,395
Children can learn a lot
from Mr. Bonkers
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00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,664
because his anatomy
is so like our own.
237
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,299
(chuckles)
238
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,501
He just loves to scamper
about the house,
239
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,769
picking up
whatever he can find,
240
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:10,770
throwing it
against the wall.
241
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,906
His own excrement,
for example.
242
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:15,108
So if you want to adopt
Mr. Bonkers,
243
00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:17,143
just call the number
on your screen.
244
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,978
Michael Jackson has a monkey.
245
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,680
Yeah,
but his is better than ours.
246
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:23,717
Well, we’re out of time.
247
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,686
So join us tomorrow
on Adopt a Petfor Reptile Day.
248
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,455
We got a really vicious
snapping turtle
249
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,391
and a lizard that can get out
of anything.
250
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,859
-Good night.
-Good night.
251
00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,928
Just wish we have more room.
252
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,674
Announcer:Due to a lack of interest,
253
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,744
the Super Bowl will bepreempted in the Chicago area.
254
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,446
Please stay tuned for thisfar more entertaining fare,
255
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,481
my friends.
256
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,386
Man: It’s time to test yourknowledge against the best,
257
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,856
onBob Swerski’s
Quiz Masters.
258
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,959
Now here’s your host,Bob Swerski.
259
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:10,930
(audience applauding)
260
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,401
Good afternoon.
261
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,938
Gentlemen.
262
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,573
Good afternoon.
263
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,743
Good afternoon, folks.
264
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:27,580
And welcome to Quiz Masters,
live from Chicago, IL,
265
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:31,551
home to a certain team,
which come January 1993,
266
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:35,355
will clasp in its burly hands
a certain Super Bowl trophy,
267
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,258
a team
which is known as Da Bears.
268
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,959
All:
Da Bears.
269
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,428
(audience applauding)
270
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:42,996
Contestants,
if you are ready,
271
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,931
let’s look at today’s
categories.
272
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,701
We have Bears,
273
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,570
Ditka, Bulls,
274
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,173
Famous DitkasThrough History,
275
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,508
Ditka-tionary,
276
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,876
and Grab Bag.
277
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,645
Okay, we flipped the coin
backstage,
278
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,080
and, Pat, you have control.
279
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,749
Let’s start with Bears
for $100.
280
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,220
Certain Super Bowl Winner1993-1998.
281
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,388
-(buzzer buzzes)
-Pat.
282
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,457
-Da Bears.
-Da Bears is correct.
283
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,258
Okay, try again.
284
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,061
Okay,
I’ll try Bears for $200.
285
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:17,497
Bears versus Robert Fultonin inventing the steamboat.
286
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,898
-(buzzer buzzes)
-Todd.
287
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,734
-Da Bears.
-Right again.
288
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,403
Okay, Todd,
you have control of the board.
289
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,972
Let’s go with the Bears
for $300.
290
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:27,207
In 1957,
291
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,209
Eisenhower said he’d likea foreign policy
292
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,344
like the defenseof a certain team.
293
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,852
(buzzer buzzes)
294
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:42,122
Sorry, gentlemen,
the answer was Da Bears.
295
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,224
Da Bears.
296
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,626
Okay, okay,
before we continue,
297
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,762
let’s take a moment
to meet our contestants.
298
00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,697
-Todd, how you doing?
-Not bad.
299
00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:54,100
Okay, great. Okay.
Let’s get back to the game.
300
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,103
Okay, Todd, you still have
control of the board.
301
00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,206
Uh, let me have Ditka
for $100.
302
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,841
All right,Ditka’s Styling Mousse.
303
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:02,876
-(buzzer buzzes)
-Carl.
304
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,811
Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.
305
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,647
Carl, you are on the board.
306
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,685
Let’s go over the Bulls,
for $200, Bob.
307
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,853
For $200,What if the Bulls were--
308
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,121
-(buzzer buzzes)
-Todd.
309
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,357
Bulls, 142-61.
310
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,625
That is correct.
311
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,560
I’ll finish the question,
however.
312
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,362
What if the Bulls
were playing Phoenix,
313
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,265
and Jordan played the entire
game in a "Lazyboy" recliner.
314
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:28,368
And the answer,
Bulls 142, Phoenix 61.
315
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,736
Very good, Todd.
316
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:34,207
-Let’s go back to Ditka
for $200, Bob.
-All right.
317
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,608
True or false.
318
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,345
Ditka can affect the weatheraccording to his mood.
319
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,379
-(buzzer buzzes)
-Pat.
320
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,181
-True.
-It is true.
321
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,750
Okay, we got a good one
going here right now.
322
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,086
But for those of you who had
some money on the game,
323
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,521
let’s get a Super Bowl update
from my daughter,
324
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,457
the lovely Denise.
325
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,859
Both teams look like garbage,
Dad.
326
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,395
All I know is Da Bears
could be kicking
327
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,731
some major butt right now.
328
00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,400
All right, isn’t she lovely?
Thank you, Denise.
329
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,536
Right now,
let’s pause for this commercial.
330
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,743
Great to have you back
from your heart attack, Todd.
331
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:13,546
Thanks. The doc’s got me
on a special low-fat diet.
332
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,148
I’m a new man.
333
00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:16,449
A special diet?
334
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:19,486
But, Todd, you got a plate
full of Polish sausage.
335
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,155
(chuckles)
No, I don’t, Pat.
336
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,858
This is a Polish sausage
substitute.
337
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:26,526
That’s right.
338
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,330
It’s called "I Can’t Believe
It’s Not Polish Sausage."
339
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:36,069
A polish sausage substitute?
I could never eat that.
340
00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:40,140
(chuckles) You’re eating it
right now, my friend.
341
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,713
Man: "I Can’t Believe It’s NotPolish Sausage" from DITCO.
342
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,519
All right, welcome back.
343
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,387
Pat has control of the board.
Pat?
344
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,724
-Let’s try Grab Bag for $100.
-(bell dings)
345
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,159
Oh, Lightning Round.
346
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,327
Okay, Pat,
3 questions, 10 seconds.
347
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,264
-Here we go,
"Greatest movie of all time."
-Da Bear.
348
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,132
"Greatest 19th Century
Novelist".
349
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,267
Flaubert.
350
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,269
"Tastiest Cheese
available to Man".
351
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,037
-Camembert!
-Good job, Pat!
352
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:13,340
(Crowd cheering)
(Applause)
353
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,214
That means it’s time
for the Final Quiz Masters.
354
00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:22,749
Todd, you are still
in the lead,
355
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:24,784
but this question
is worth $500 point,
356
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:25,952
so anyone can win.
357
00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,454
First, let’s hear
what our second
358
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,422
and third place winners
will receive.
359
00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,093
Contestants will receivea gift certificate
360
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,462
from Yuremovic’ssports jackets and slacks.
361
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,065
"Yuremovic’s, hey, that’sa sharp looking sportcoat."
362
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,101
And a custom Bear paint job,
363
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,703
courtesy of Vincent Van Bear,on Lincoln,
364
00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:47,207
no more sloppy paint job,now it’s Vincent Van Bear.
365
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,209
Back to you, Bob.
366
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,577
All right, contestants,
here we go.
367
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:56,149
The Final Quiz Masters question
is, "Bears vs. Bulls."
368
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,550
Write in your answers now,
gentlemen.
369
00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:01,621
(Music plays)
370
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,925
Da Bears versus Da Bulls.
371
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,099
Okay, that was a tough one.
372
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,201
Let’s see what our contestants
said. First, Pat.
373
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:21,041
Looks like Pat ran out of time.
Sorry, buddy.
374
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:23,510
Okay, Carl,
what do you have here?
375
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,613
Carl says the...
376
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,348
What do you say, Carl?
377
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,483
Well, what do you think it says?
378
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,453
That’s a nice try, Carl.
That’s okay, that’s good.
379
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,455
All right.
Todd says,
380
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,290
"The senseless waste
of pitting these
381
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,793
two mighty forces of nature
against each other,
382
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,961
like matter vs. antimatter,
383
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:46,166
will be a tragedy, not only
for the teams involved...
384
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,600
...but for our planet.
385
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,302
All nations must band together,
386
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,071
to ensure that
such a conflagration
387
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,105
never takes place."
388
00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,673
That is absolutely correct.
389
00:17:53,707 --> 00:17:54,774
Todd,
you are the winner.
390
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,344
(Crowd cheering)
(Applause)
391
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,549
Todd, that was beautiful.
That was beautiful.
392
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,651
Hey, don’t get all the blueberry
on me, would you, guys?
393
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,821
All right. Todd, of course,
now you win the grand prize,
394
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,923
-five minutes
in the cheese-fry booth.
-All right.
395
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,929
Here’s your bucket of cheese,
Todd.
396
00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,864
Get on in there,
we’re all proud of you, buddy.
397
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:22,235
Five minutes
in the cheese-fry booth.
398
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,636
And there they go.
399
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:35,715
Very good, Todd.
What a lucky man, folks.
400
00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:37,751
Okay, the Super Bowl’s
still going on,
401
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,719
so stay tuned
for a special presentation
402
00:18:39,753 --> 00:18:40,854
of "The Blues Brothers".
403
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,722
Good night, everybody.
404
00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:46,092
(Crowd cheering)
(Applause)
405
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,410
We’re the court appointed
attorneys for Jeffrey Dahmer.
406
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,512
(Crowd laughing)
407
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:15,021
Michael, Allen,
thanks for coming.
408
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,724
Jeffrey, what was it
that you wanted to see us about?
409
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,227
Gentlemen, I think I found a way
to convince the jury
410
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,862
that I’m insane.
411
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,699
(Crowd laughing)
412
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,934
Is that really a concern, Jeff?
413
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,036
I think in that area,
we’re doing pretty well.
414
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,638
(Crowd laughing)
415
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,074
Yes, we are confident
416
00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:35,241
that the jury is going
to find you insane.
417
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,777
Well, that’s easy
for you to say,
418
00:19:37,811 --> 00:19:39,412
it’s my ass
they’re gonna fry.
419
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,415
Well, we just feel
that the cannibalism
420
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,417
together with a box
of bones
421
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,053
will prove that you were
mentally ill at the time of...
422
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,855
I’m glad you guys
are so confident.
423
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,123
I’m not so sure.
424
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:53,226
All right,
let’s stay focused.
425
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:55,195
Our problem is we’ve got
three days
426
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,298
to get that jury to believe
I’m out of my mind.
427
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,667
Jeff, we’ve got a psychiatrist
428
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,103
from Northeastern University
in Boston
429
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,271
who has agreed to testify.
430
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,239
Okay, here’s my plan.
431
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:11,578
I go in there money on Monday,
or money...
432
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,980
(Crowd laughing)
433
00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,715
looking really depressed
like this.
434
00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:21,821
Then I start talking to myself
in an imaginary lingo,
435
00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:24,624
like De Niro did in that sitcom,
"Taxi".
436
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:25,792
(Crowd laughing)
437
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,394
You talking to me?
You talking to me?
438
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,661
What’s the matter?
You talking to me?
439
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,764
You talking to me?
Hey, who you talking to, me?
440
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:33,500
(Crowd laughing)
441
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:37,003
Then on the way back
to the holding area,
442
00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:39,239
I let out a little bark
and yell like this...
443
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:42,175
(barks like a dog)
444
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:45,578
Mr. Dahmer, if you will
just take your seat please.
445
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:53,153
Jeff, if you’ll forgive me,
446
00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:55,889
I think you’ve been
over thinking this.
(Crowd laughing)
447
00:20:55,922 --> 00:21:00,160
My best legal advice is that
you go into that court room,
448
00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,262
relax,
and just be yourself.
449
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,364
(Crowd laughing)
450
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:08,368
-And if you’re found insane...
-If I’m found insane...
451
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,137
you will be committed
to a mental institution.
452
00:21:11,171 --> 00:21:13,473
After a year, you can petition
for your release.
453
00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,775
Um-hmm.
(Crowd laughing)
454
00:21:20,814 --> 00:21:22,248
Let me see if I understand
where you’re going with this.
455
00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,150
Oh, my God.
456
00:21:24,184 --> 00:21:26,086
You’re both pretty confident
I’ll be found insane,
457
00:21:26,086 --> 00:21:28,588
-is that correct?
-Guard! Guard!
458
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:34,461
I spend a year in a nuthouse
then I can petition to leave.
459
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,996
I mean, it’s just that easy.
No problem for me.
460
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:42,002
Jeff, what are we gonna have
to do with you?
461
00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:43,570
What do you mean?
462
00:21:43,603 --> 00:21:46,573
By the way, that reporter
from "A Current Affair"
463
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,575
is here to see you.
464
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,909
-Today?
-Yeah.
465
00:21:49,943 --> 00:21:51,344
Well, okay send him in.
466
00:21:51,378 --> 00:21:56,449
(Crowd cheering)
(Applause)
467
00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:08,428
Announcer:Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.
468
00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:13,400
(audience applauding)
469
00:22:26,312 --> 00:22:28,882
You, uh--
What are you wearing?
470
00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:32,118
I mean, is it, uh, sexy?
Is it ribbed?
471
00:22:32,152 --> 00:22:33,353
Is it what?
472
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:35,822
Well, it’s a slinky
little see-through I--
473
00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:37,157
(audience laughing)
474
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,659
-Spiky, yes.
-I bet you look-- Oh!
475
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:46,766
Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon
and I’m an American car owner.
476
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,102
Good evening.
I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.
477
00:22:49,102 --> 00:22:50,103
And--
478
00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:52,939
(audience cheering)
479
00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:57,243
And I own a Beemer.
480
00:22:57,277 --> 00:22:59,846
(audience laughing)
481
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,481
Our top story of the night.
482
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:04,918
Generalissimo Francisco Franco
is still dead.
483
00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:07,320
(audience cheering)
484
00:23:09,289 --> 00:23:10,924
In other news,
the U.S. Post Office Department
485
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:12,058
today has issued a new stamp
486
00:23:12,092 --> 00:23:14,094
honoring, of all things,
prostitution in America.
487
00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:16,162
It’s a 30-cent stamp
but if you want to lick it,
488
00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:17,330
it’s a dollar.
489
00:23:17,364 --> 00:23:20,767
(audience laughing)
490
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,436
General Ford has revealed
his new campaign slogan,
491
00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:26,172
"If he’s so dumb,
how come he’s president?"
492
00:23:26,206 --> 00:23:27,841
-Excuse me, Chevy.
-Yeah.
493
00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:29,242
-Uh--
-What’s the problem?
494
00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:34,147
Well, I--I think
the problem is that, well,
495
00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:35,982
you’re still living
in the ’70s.
496
00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:37,484
That, uh--
497
00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:39,252
Listen,
why don’t you take a break?
498
00:23:39,285 --> 00:23:42,288
Get your notes together,
update some more stories and--
499
00:23:42,322 --> 00:23:45,692
Okay, maybe you’re right.
Maybe you’re right. I’m sorry.
500
00:23:45,725 --> 00:23:47,861
Chevy Chase
will be joining us later on
501
00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:51,431
for some updated stories
hopefully.
502
00:23:51,464 --> 00:23:53,533
Following President Bush’s visit
to Japan last week,
503
00:23:53,566 --> 00:23:56,302
a trained monkey has been
appearing on Japanese television
504
00:23:56,336 --> 00:23:57,470
and making fun
of the president
505
00:23:57,504 --> 00:24:00,507
by keeling over
and collapsing on a table.
506
00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:03,143
The White House is obviously
very upset by this portrayal.
507
00:24:03,176 --> 00:24:04,511
Although to the monkey’s credit,
508
00:24:04,544 --> 00:24:06,880
he did manage to secure more
successful trade agreement
509
00:24:06,913 --> 00:24:07,914
for the U.S.
510
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:10,750
(audience laughing)
511
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:12,318
Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton
512
00:24:12,352 --> 00:24:14,387
denied allegations
of sexual impropriety
513
00:24:14,421 --> 00:24:17,057
by announcing
that he is no Gary Hart.
514
00:24:17,057 --> 00:24:19,559
Elizabeth Ward, the former
Miss America linked to Clinton
515
00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,961
agreed with the Governor
saying, "I knew Gary Hart.
516
00:24:22,062 --> 00:24:23,163
I slept with Gary Hart.
517
00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:24,798
And you’re right.
You are no Gary Hart."
518
00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:26,766
(audience laughing)
519
00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:31,071
Well, after three months
of campaigning,
520
00:24:31,071 --> 00:24:32,772
Democratic candidate
Paul Tsongas
521
00:24:32,806 --> 00:24:34,074
has told the American public
522
00:24:34,074 --> 00:24:36,676
that the T in his name
is a typographical error.
523
00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:39,546
(audience laughing)
524
00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,981
A gloating President Bush
told New Hampshire voters today
525
00:24:42,082 --> 00:24:43,983
that his "no new tax pledge"
finally applies
526
00:24:44,084 --> 00:24:46,119
since people are unemployed
on making no new money.
527
00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,088
(audience laughs)
528
00:24:48,088 --> 00:24:49,322
Political observers are divided
529
00:24:49,356 --> 00:24:51,091
on whether it was a good omen
on New Hampshire
530
00:24:51,091 --> 00:24:52,492
when Bush’s campaign
kick-off dinner
531
00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:54,728
was held at a Benihana.
532
00:24:54,761 --> 00:24:58,098
(audience laughing)
533
00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,200
And President Bush
has denied saying this week
534
00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:01,901
that the economy
is in a free fall.
535
00:25:01,935 --> 00:25:04,604
"They would be-- that would be
irresponsible," commented Bush.
536
00:25:04,637 --> 00:25:07,040
"What I said was the economy
is a free for all.
537
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:08,808
My advice is to grab
whatever you can now
538
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,543
before it all
just falls apart."
539
00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:12,812
(audience laughs)
540
00:25:12,846 --> 00:25:14,214
All right.
541
00:25:15,648 --> 00:25:17,350
In an interview
with David Frost last week,
542
00:25:17,384 --> 00:25:18,551
President Bush said, quote,
543
00:25:18,585 --> 00:25:20,220
"I will do anything
to get re-elected."
544
00:25:20,253 --> 00:25:21,321
Bush then left the set
545
00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:23,189
and reappeared
in a Catwoman costume.
546
00:25:23,223 --> 00:25:25,525
(audience laughing)
547
00:25:27,494 --> 00:25:28,895
Five thousand Russian citizens
548
00:25:28,928 --> 00:25:30,263
took to the streets
of Moscow Sunday
549
00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:32,499
protesting Boris Yeltsin’s
economic reforms
550
00:25:32,532 --> 00:25:34,234
and demanding return
to communism.
551
00:25:34,267 --> 00:25:36,569
Since most people in the crowd
were Communists themselves,
552
00:25:36,603 --> 00:25:38,071
they immediately
rounded themselves up
553
00:25:38,071 --> 00:25:39,072
and threw themselves in jail
554
00:25:39,105 --> 00:25:40,407
for demonstrating
against the state.
555
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,609
(audience laughing)
556
00:25:42,642 --> 00:25:44,678
Not only is Boris Yeltsin
the president
557
00:25:44,711 --> 00:25:47,180
of the Russian Hair Club
but he is also a client.
558
00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:49,416
(audience laughing)
559
00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:54,287
A group of California
death row inmates
560
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,890
have sued the state for refusing
to let them pass on their genes
561
00:25:56,923 --> 00:25:58,391
either through
artificial insemination
562
00:25:58,425 --> 00:26:00,193
or visits from their spouses.
563
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,462
The inmates took up the cause
after another low turnout
564
00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:04,664
at the Annual Death Row
Father-Son picnic.
565
00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,633
(audience laughing)
566
00:26:08,335 --> 00:26:10,236
Well, a recent ruling
in New York
567
00:26:10,270 --> 00:26:13,139
now allows people to make love
in a parked car.
568
00:26:13,173 --> 00:26:16,042
But you are still not allowed
to make love to a parked car.
569
00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:17,544
(audience laughing)
570
00:26:17,577 --> 00:26:19,245
This Monday,
America celebrates
571
00:26:19,279 --> 00:26:21,948
what would have been Martin
Luther King’s 63rd birthday.
572
00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:23,416
Most people
will have the day-off
573
00:26:23,450 --> 00:26:24,718
except the citizens of Arizona
574
00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:26,386
who voted
against the King holiday.
575
00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:29,189
More on this from SNL news
correspondent Chris Rock.
576
00:26:29,222 --> 00:26:32,892
-Chris?
-(audience cheering)
577
00:26:34,294 --> 00:26:35,862
Thank you, Kevin.
578
00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:36,863
Thanks a lot now.
579
00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:38,064
There’s been a lot of talk
580
00:26:38,064 --> 00:26:40,467
about the people of Arizona
being racists
581
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:42,869
so I went to see
for myself.
582
00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:44,170
I went to Arizona
583
00:26:44,204 --> 00:26:46,373
and I’m walking through
the streets of Tucson,
584
00:26:46,406 --> 00:26:48,708
pushing my little baby brother
in a stroller
585
00:26:48,742 --> 00:26:50,944
when a white woman comes up
to the baby, smiles,
586
00:26:50,977 --> 00:26:54,247
and says,
"Boy, what a pretty niglet."
587
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,850
Now if you don’t like black
people, that’s one thing.
588
00:26:56,883 --> 00:26:58,218
But what I can’t understand
589
00:26:58,251 --> 00:27:01,621
is why people in a hot-ass
desert town like Tucson, Arizona
590
00:27:01,654 --> 00:27:03,156
wouldn’t want a day off work.
591
00:27:03,189 --> 00:27:04,491
It’s not like
you have to do something black
592
00:27:04,524 --> 00:27:06,026
on that day, you know?
593
00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,761
You don’t have
to read Ebonymagazine.
594
00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:09,129
You don’t have to watch
Soul Train.
595
00:27:09,162 --> 00:27:11,331
All you have to do
is not work.
596
00:27:11,364 --> 00:27:13,333
(audience laughing)
597
00:27:13,366 --> 00:27:15,201
Now if this
was an Elvis holiday,
598
00:27:15,235 --> 00:27:16,403
they’d--they’d take that off.
599
00:27:16,436 --> 00:27:18,038
Boy, it would be
like another Christmas.
600
00:27:18,038 --> 00:27:20,674
You’d see, like, big, fat white
guys coming down chimneys
601
00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:25,078
with Elvis jumpsuits on,
giving out Quaaludes.
602
00:27:25,111 --> 00:27:27,313
(audience cheering)
603
00:27:27,347 --> 00:27:30,884
Now everybody doesn’t get Martin
Luther King’s birthday off.
604
00:27:30,917 --> 00:27:34,054
Even in states that celebrate,
some people still have to work.
605
00:27:34,054 --> 00:27:35,889
Now one group of people
that never has to work
606
00:27:35,922 --> 00:27:38,124
is prisoners, criminals,
that’s right.
607
00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:40,326
Every criminal in every jail
gets the day off work
608
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,328
which means even James Earl Ray,
609
00:27:42,362 --> 00:27:46,099
the man that killed Martin
Luther King gets the day off.
610
00:27:46,132 --> 00:27:47,767
Now he’s so crazy, he’s probably
walking around in prison
611
00:27:47,801 --> 00:27:49,469
going, you know,
"Everybody’s off today
612
00:27:49,502 --> 00:27:51,471
and nobody even bothered
to thank me."
613
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,406
(audience laughing)
614
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,976
Now what Arizona needs to do,
what Arizona needs to do
615
00:27:57,077 --> 00:27:59,612
is give Dr. King
somebody else’s holiday
616
00:27:59,646 --> 00:28:01,915
’cause there’s so many holidays
they celebrate every year
617
00:28:02,015 --> 00:28:03,149
that mean nothing.
618
00:28:03,183 --> 00:28:06,052
Like Columbus Day.
Nobody celebrates Columbus Day.
619
00:28:06,086 --> 00:28:08,455
Nobody puts, like, three ships
in their front yard.
620
00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:10,023
(audience laughing)
621
00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:12,525
First of all, Columbus
discovered the West Indies.
622
00:28:12,559 --> 00:28:14,627
Second of all, the land he
discovered had occupants on it.
623
00:28:14,661 --> 00:28:15,829
You know,
that’s kind of like
624
00:28:15,862 --> 00:28:17,497
discovering
somebody else’s backyard, yeah.
625
00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:18,498
(audience laughing)
626
00:28:18,531 --> 00:28:19,766
So when you think
about real hard,
627
00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:23,169
all Columbus did was to discover
a West Indian backyard.
628
00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:24,571
He got there
with his little flag.
629
00:28:24,604 --> 00:28:27,040
He’s like, "Hey, I claim
this land for Spain."
630
00:28:27,073 --> 00:28:28,274
And the West Indian
guy is, like,
631
00:28:28,308 --> 00:28:31,277
"Hey, man, get your damn flag
out my yard now.
632
00:28:31,311 --> 00:28:32,612
Move it now."
633
00:28:32,645 --> 00:28:35,048
So Arizona, get your act
together and hail the King.
634
00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:36,049
Thanks a lot, Kevin.
635
00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,784
Chris Rock,
ladies and gentlemen.
636
00:28:37,817 --> 00:28:40,553
(audience cheering)
637
00:28:48,061 --> 00:28:50,563
In a surprise move this week,
baseball great Pete Rose
638
00:28:50,597 --> 00:28:53,433
was inducted into the
Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame.
639
00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:54,901
Said Pete Rose,
"It makes sense
640
00:28:54,934 --> 00:28:58,171
I’ve never been
on a rock n roll band."
641
00:28:58,204 --> 00:29:00,173
This week, Juice,
a movie about black youths
642
00:29:00,206 --> 00:29:01,608
involving violence opened.
643
00:29:01,641 --> 00:29:03,476
Oddly enough, there were fights
at some theaters
644
00:29:03,510 --> 00:29:05,612
mainly between black gang
members and Hasidim,
645
00:29:05,645 --> 00:29:07,881
who had thought the movie
was entitled "Jews."
646
00:29:07,914 --> 00:29:12,419
(audience laughing)
647
00:29:12,452 --> 00:29:14,487
Over the past several months,
more people than ever
648
00:29:14,521 --> 00:29:16,156
have been practicing safe sex.
649
00:29:16,189 --> 00:29:17,557
Although now many couples
650
00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:21,428
have been reporting allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
651
00:29:21,461 --> 00:29:23,029
You know, that’s--
It’s kind of funny
652
00:29:23,029 --> 00:29:26,066
’cause all this time I thought
I was just allergic to the cat
653
00:29:26,099 --> 00:29:27,767
but no, I guess not.
654
00:29:27,801 --> 00:29:30,036
(audience laughing)
655
00:29:31,905 --> 00:29:34,107
In an experiment to see how long
they could survive,
656
00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,842
two California condors
were released
657
00:29:35,875 --> 00:29:37,744
from a captive breeding program
this week
658
00:29:37,777 --> 00:29:39,646
and tonight probably
flew off into the wilds
659
00:29:39,679 --> 00:29:42,082
of Los Padres National Forest
in California.
660
00:29:42,115 --> 00:29:43,850
Within 10 minutes,
the endangered species
661
00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:45,285
were blown out of the sky
662
00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:47,954
and scattered about the forest
floor by two fun-loving hunters.
663
00:29:48,054 --> 00:29:49,422
(audience laughing)
664
00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,926
Scientists now say that current
global warming trends
665
00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:55,762
could actually lead to a new
Ice Age within 10,000 years.
666
00:29:55,795 --> 00:29:57,430
Unfortunately,
economic analyst project that
667
00:29:57,464 --> 00:29:59,899
by that time we’ll just be
coming out of a recession
668
00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:04,170
so folks ought to be able
to afford some warm clothes.
669
00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,572
Here now with the brief history
of breast implants
670
00:30:05,605 --> 00:30:06,773
and their problems,
671
00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:08,108
it’s Weekend Update’s
Chevy Chase.
672
00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:12,679
-Chevy?
-(audience cheering)
673
00:30:14,848 --> 00:30:17,050
Kevin, in order to understand
the current problem
674
00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:19,953
associated with the silicone gel
breast implants,
675
00:30:19,986 --> 00:30:23,156
we must first look at the
history of breast implants.
676
00:30:23,189 --> 00:30:25,458
The very first one worn
by George Washington’s wife
677
00:30:25,492 --> 00:30:28,028
was made of a crude leather sac
filled of wood.
678
00:30:28,061 --> 00:30:29,396
(audience laughing)
679
00:30:29,429 --> 00:30:30,630
In the early 1960’s,
680
00:30:30,663 --> 00:30:32,499
the much-improved
breast implants
681
00:30:32,532 --> 00:30:35,535
were plastic envelopes or sacs
filled with air.
682
00:30:35,568 --> 00:30:37,537
Some sacs
even contained helium,
683
00:30:37,570 --> 00:30:40,340
but presented a problem for some
of the lighter recipients.
684
00:30:40,373 --> 00:30:41,641
(audience laughing)
685
00:30:41,675 --> 00:30:45,011
In 1965, the sacs
were filled with Silly Putty
686
00:30:45,045 --> 00:30:46,946
which had its own problems.
687
00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:48,982
On occasions,
the sac would shatter
688
00:30:49,015 --> 00:30:51,651
or the woman’s breast
would bounce out of control.
689
00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:53,286
(audience laughing)
690
00:30:53,319 --> 00:30:56,089
On some occasions, a woman
falling asleep reading newspaper
691
00:30:56,122 --> 00:30:58,625
wake up to find Peanuts
or Beetle Bailey
692
00:30:58,658 --> 00:31:00,860
printed on the breasts.
693
00:31:00,894 --> 00:31:04,064
(audience laughing)
694
00:31:04,097 --> 00:31:06,366
The early ’70s
brought us breast implants
695
00:31:06,399 --> 00:31:08,501
filled with Jell-O
and other dessert products,
696
00:31:08,535 --> 00:31:10,770
which led to the incidents
of man eating the breasts.
697
00:31:10,804 --> 00:31:12,539
(audience laughs)
698
00:31:12,572 --> 00:31:14,874
The popular alternative
was the coffee implant
699
00:31:14,908 --> 00:31:16,810
which kept the breasts up
all day.
700
00:31:16,843 --> 00:31:18,511
(audience laughing)
701
00:31:18,545 --> 00:31:20,347
Two of the more successful,
702
00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,515
or rather unsuccessful
transplant ideas
703
00:31:22,549 --> 00:31:25,085
were actually
using breast implant sacs
704
00:31:25,085 --> 00:31:27,754
containing Slinkys for the
older women natural look
705
00:31:27,787 --> 00:31:31,091
and the use of chewed-up bubble
gum for nipple replacements.
706
00:31:31,091 --> 00:31:35,795
Of course, the latest,
the ribbed, uh, no--
707
00:31:35,829 --> 00:31:37,530
I’m sorry,
wait a minute here.
708
00:31:37,564 --> 00:31:39,566
Let me get this here.
709
00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:41,601
Oh, yes,
the controversial silicone gel
710
00:31:41,634 --> 00:31:43,470
and the saline alternative.
711
00:31:43,503 --> 00:31:44,871
Now we know the problems
of silicone
712
00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:45,972
but what most people
don’t know
713
00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:49,109
about the alternative
saline implants
714
00:31:49,142 --> 00:31:50,977
is after a while
the salty filler
715
00:31:51,011 --> 00:31:53,213
causes your gums and lips
to start bleeding.
716
00:31:55,849 --> 00:31:59,552
As far as the safety
and durability,
717
00:31:59,586 --> 00:32:01,054
I see no problem.
718
00:32:01,087 --> 00:32:03,490
We strapped
a crash-test dummy
719
00:32:03,523 --> 00:32:06,126
suited with a bra and implants
and rammed her into me.
720
00:32:06,159 --> 00:32:07,360
And there was no problem.
721
00:32:07,394 --> 00:32:08,495
The main thing,
of course,
722
00:32:08,528 --> 00:32:10,630
is that they look
and-and feel natural.
723
00:32:10,663 --> 00:32:11,865
That’s right.
Thank you, Chevy.
724
00:32:11,898 --> 00:32:12,832
Thank me.
725
00:32:20,540 --> 00:32:22,242
Well, the Supreme Court
heard arguments, Monday
726
00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:24,744
on the issue whether the tobacco
industry should be liable
727
00:32:24,778 --> 00:32:25,945
for smokers’ deaths.
728
00:32:25,979 --> 00:32:27,414
The deciding vote
in this case
729
00:32:27,447 --> 00:32:30,150
could actually be cast
by Justice Clarence Thomas,
730
00:32:30,183 --> 00:32:31,718
who not only
smoke cigars himself,
731
00:32:31,751 --> 00:32:32,852
but is also known
732
00:32:32,886 --> 00:32:34,354
to occasionally brag
about their length.
733
00:32:39,292 --> 00:32:40,593
I’m sorry,
this just coming.
734
00:32:40,627 --> 00:32:42,829
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have just received a report
735
00:32:42,862 --> 00:32:43,997
that Arkansas’s
Bill Clinton
736
00:32:44,097 --> 00:32:45,932
is now leading
in the New Hampshire primaries.
737
00:32:45,965 --> 00:32:47,701
More on that as it develops.
738
00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:52,872
I may not know as much about
primaries or politics,
739
00:32:52,906 --> 00:32:54,140
as say, Chevy,
740
00:32:54,174 --> 00:32:57,410
but when they have the elections
in New Hampshire,
741
00:32:57,444 --> 00:32:59,813
February, uh--
742
00:32:59,846 --> 00:33:01,715
-18th.
-18th.
743
00:33:01,748 --> 00:33:04,250
Then we’ll see
who the real frontrunner is.
744
00:33:04,284 --> 00:33:05,251
That’s what I believe.
745
00:33:05,285 --> 00:33:07,253
Because in my opinion,
uh...
746
00:33:07,287 --> 00:33:09,622
you really can’t believe
all those--
747
00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:10,957
-Pollsters.
-Pollsters.
748
00:33:12,425 --> 00:33:13,893
Besides,
a lot of the frontrunners
749
00:33:13,927 --> 00:33:15,128
are-are leading
in the primaries,
750
00:33:15,161 --> 00:33:17,464
because they have,
who knows what,
751
00:33:17,497 --> 00:33:19,232
besides an amazing amount
of funding
752
00:33:19,265 --> 00:33:21,835
from-from these big,
you know, uh--
753
00:33:21,868 --> 00:33:23,236
-Hookers.
-Hookers.
754
00:33:25,772 --> 00:33:27,273
And for good reason,
when I say, "Hooker,"
755
00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:30,110
I’m speaking figuratively
about your, uh--
756
00:33:30,143 --> 00:33:31,077
-Mother.
-Mother.
757
00:33:32,445 --> 00:33:34,280
And-and other
family members.
758
00:33:34,314 --> 00:33:36,449
Because it is you,
as a family,
759
00:33:36,483 --> 00:33:37,550
that pay taxes.
760
00:33:37,584 --> 00:33:39,753
And it is you
that is getting screwed.
761
00:33:39,786 --> 00:33:42,155
I mean, don’t misunderstand me
by any means.
762
00:33:42,188 --> 00:33:45,125
I mean,
I’m a big believer in, uh--
763
00:33:45,158 --> 00:33:48,128
-Colostomy bags.
-Colostomy bags.
764
00:33:48,161 --> 00:33:49,696
I mean, if you got to have them,
you got to have them.
765
00:33:49,729 --> 00:33:50,764
That’s the system.
766
00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:56,369
-So I, uh--
-So I, uh, uh...
767
00:33:56,403 --> 00:33:58,505
I guess
that-that from watching
768
00:33:58,538 --> 00:34:00,240
all the candidates
and their speeches,
769
00:34:00,273 --> 00:34:03,243
I-I’ve developed
a real, uh--
770
00:34:03,276 --> 00:34:06,279
-Pus-filled infection.
-Pus-filled infection, uh...
771
00:34:06,312 --> 00:34:07,847
that should have
immediate attention.
772
00:34:07,881 --> 00:34:09,649
An infection not unlike
what we’re experiencing
773
00:34:09,683 --> 00:34:12,852
right here,
in-in, uh, in, uh--
774
00:34:12,886 --> 00:34:13,887
New Jersey.
775
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:15,822
Look, let me-let me
handle this, okay?
776
00:34:15,855 --> 00:34:17,891
I think I know
what I’m talking about here.
777
00:34:17,924 --> 00:34:19,059
Thanks anyway.
778
00:34:19,092 --> 00:34:21,261
I don’t-I don’t think
I need any, uh--
779
00:34:21,294 --> 00:34:22,395
-Help.
-Help.
780
00:34:24,330 --> 00:34:25,532
Not unlike
what we’re experiencing
781
00:34:25,565 --> 00:34:27,067
right here
in New Jersey.
782
00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:31,071
And let me just say that
the hard part is the candidates.
783
00:34:31,071 --> 00:34:32,639
They’re all very similar.
784
00:34:32,672 --> 00:34:33,840
As far as I’m concerned,
785
00:34:33,873 --> 00:34:36,242
it’s like choosing
between apples and, uh--
786
00:34:36,276 --> 00:34:37,210
-Nipples.
-Nipples.
787
00:34:38,478 --> 00:34:39,679
They’re both red.
788
00:34:39,713 --> 00:34:40,914
They’re both quite
obviously different.
789
00:34:40,947 --> 00:34:42,482
So when you go
to the voting booth this year,
790
00:34:42,515 --> 00:34:43,483
remember to--
791
00:34:43,516 --> 00:34:44,517
-Floss.
-Floss.
792
00:34:44,551 --> 00:34:45,618
Flossing
will protect you
793
00:34:45,652 --> 00:34:47,354
from the bacteria
in the political system.
794
00:34:47,387 --> 00:34:48,388
And if you’d ask me,
795
00:34:48,421 --> 00:34:50,256
I’d say that probably
Jerry Brown
796
00:34:50,290 --> 00:34:51,658
would probably
make the best--
797
00:34:51,691 --> 00:34:53,626
-Cross-dresser.
-Cross-dresser.
798
00:34:54,694 --> 00:34:55,762
And on that note,
799
00:34:55,795 --> 00:34:58,098
I guess that just
about wraps up my, uh--
800
00:34:58,098 --> 00:34:59,599
-Career.
-Career.
801
00:34:59,632 --> 00:35:01,868
I’m Kevin Nealon,
and that’s news to me.
802
00:35:16,082 --> 00:35:18,284
Man:C-SPAN continues its coverage
803
00:35:18,318 --> 00:35:21,154
of the 1992presidential campaign
804
00:35:21,187 --> 00:35:24,190
withRoad to the White House.
805
00:35:24,224 --> 00:35:27,761
On Wednesday, President Bushvisited Daniel’s coffee shop
806
00:35:27,794 --> 00:35:29,629
in Henniker,New Hampshire.
807
00:35:29,662 --> 00:35:31,364
Our C-SPAN camera,
808
00:35:31,398 --> 00:35:33,733
the only camera we have,was there.
809
00:35:33,767 --> 00:35:35,835
As was our microphone.
810
00:35:44,577 --> 00:35:47,914
How are you?
Good to see you.
811
00:35:47,947 --> 00:35:49,749
Good to see you,
little shaver.
812
00:35:49,783 --> 00:35:52,352
How are you?
Good to see you.
813
00:35:52,385 --> 00:35:54,788
Good to see you fine people.
How are you?
814
00:35:54,821 --> 00:35:55,789
Persian Gulf.
815
00:35:55,822 --> 00:35:57,557
How are you?
Good to see you.
816
00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:58,658
Persian Gulf.
817
00:35:58,692 --> 00:36:01,561
The aroma of fresh brewed
coffee in here.
818
00:36:01,594 --> 00:36:02,729
Like what I’m seeing.
819
00:36:02,762 --> 00:36:05,398
Baked goods
over in that area over there.
820
00:36:05,432 --> 00:36:07,067
(chuckles)
821
00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:08,802
Dollars being exchanged.
822
00:36:08,835 --> 00:36:11,371
The greatest diner
I have ever seen.
823
00:36:11,404 --> 00:36:12,539
(chuckles)
824
00:36:12,572 --> 00:36:14,207
What’s the name
of this place again, Bill?
825
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:15,208
Daniel’s Diner,
sir.
826
00:36:15,241 --> 00:36:16,643
Daniel.
Daniel’s diner.
827
00:36:16,676 --> 00:36:19,612
I’d love to meet this Daniel.
828
00:36:19,646 --> 00:36:21,715
Well, sir,
Daniel is, uh--
829
00:36:21,748 --> 00:36:22,716
Daniel is dead,
sir.
830
00:36:22,749 --> 00:36:24,117
Yeah?
831
00:36:24,150 --> 00:36:26,419
Suicide. Evidently business
hasn’t been that good.
832
00:36:26,453 --> 00:36:28,888
Actually,
I think the large turnout
833
00:36:28,922 --> 00:36:30,757
is largely
because of your being here.
834
00:36:30,790 --> 00:36:32,892
Daniel is very popular
in the community,
835
00:36:32,926 --> 00:36:36,096
and there seems to be a lot of,
well, bad feelings.
836
00:36:36,129 --> 00:36:37,163
Uh-huh.
837
00:36:37,197 --> 00:36:39,265
Anyway,
this is Mrs. Daniel.
838
00:36:39,299 --> 00:36:41,634
Dear lady, dear lady,
good to see you.
839
00:36:41,668 --> 00:36:44,738
You know, interest rates
are the lowest in 30 years.
840
00:36:44,771 --> 00:36:47,841
Good time to refinance
for you.
841
00:36:51,644 --> 00:36:52,879
How much time,
Bill?
842
00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:54,080
Five minutes,
30 seconds, sir.
843
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,082
All right. All right.
How are you doing?
844
00:36:56,082 --> 00:36:57,083
Good to see you.
845
00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:58,351
Hi, little shaver.
846
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:00,220
Stay in school.
Study hard.
847
00:37:00,253 --> 00:37:01,388
(chuckles)
848
00:37:01,421 --> 00:37:04,090
How are you doing?
Persian Gulf. Persian Gulf.
849
00:37:04,124 --> 00:37:05,158
Persian Gulf.
850
00:37:05,191 --> 00:37:06,493
How are you,
young lady?
851
00:37:06,526 --> 00:37:08,028
-Hi, Mr. President.
-How are you?
852
00:37:08,028 --> 00:37:10,163
Are you gonna do any skiing
while you’re up here?
853
00:37:10,196 --> 00:37:11,464
Well, I’ll tell you this.
854
00:37:11,498 --> 00:37:14,200
If I’d brought my skis,
I’d take you up on it.
855
00:37:14,234 --> 00:37:16,603
Oh, you can borrow
some of mine.
856
00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:19,572
Well, I, wouldn’t want to--
you to go to in any trouble.
857
00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:21,508
No, it’s no trouble.
They’re in my truck.
858
00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:27,881
Well, actually,
I use the old wooden skis.
859
00:37:27,914 --> 00:37:29,616
Oh, they’re wood.
I’ll go get them.
860
00:37:29,649 --> 00:37:31,084
No, not gonna happen.
861
00:37:32,619 --> 00:37:35,655
I didn’t really want
to ski here, young lady.
862
00:37:35,689 --> 00:37:39,726
Just a little friendly banter.
Not to be taken literally.
863
00:37:39,759 --> 00:37:42,262
-Okay, how much time, Bill?
-Four more minutes, sir.
864
00:37:42,295 --> 00:37:43,596
All right.
865
00:37:43,630 --> 00:37:44,698
Hi, there. Hi, there.
866
00:37:44,731 --> 00:37:46,466
How-- who we got?
How are you?
867
00:37:46,499 --> 00:37:47,967
This is the greatest thing
to happen to me
868
00:37:48,068 --> 00:37:48,968
in my whole life.
869
00:37:49,069 --> 00:37:50,770
You know,
I’ve been so sick.
870
00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:52,972
Oh, yeah.
Healthcare, big issue.
871
00:37:53,073 --> 00:37:55,909
-I had a polyp on my colon.
-Uh-huh.
872
00:37:55,942 --> 00:37:58,144
And the fluid just ran out of me
for days.
873
00:37:58,178 --> 00:37:59,412
Yeah, yeah.
874
00:37:59,446 --> 00:38:01,681
My daughter had to come over
and take care of me.
875
00:38:01,715 --> 00:38:02,749
Sure, that’s--
876
00:38:02,782 --> 00:38:04,517
I couldn’t lay
on my back.
877
00:38:04,551 --> 00:38:06,252
-She had to turn me.
-Yeah, yeah.
878
00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:08,254
She’d put her hands
underneath me like this--
879
00:38:08,288 --> 00:38:09,589
Right.
880
00:38:09,622 --> 00:38:12,025
and I’d put my hand
on the headboard like that--
881
00:38:12,058 --> 00:38:13,460
Time, Bill.
Time.
882
00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,695
-take a deep breath--
-Three minutes, sir.
883
00:38:15,729 --> 00:38:17,597
and, oh, the gas.
884
00:38:18,665 --> 00:38:20,667
And it lasted
for so long.
885
00:38:20,700 --> 00:38:22,836
Yeah, good cop,
bad cop, Bill.
886
00:38:22,869 --> 00:38:24,104
Sorry, ma’am.
Sorry.
887
00:38:24,137 --> 00:38:25,138
The President has to move on.
888
00:38:25,171 --> 00:38:26,439
Really, Bill?
889
00:38:26,473 --> 00:38:28,908
You know, because I want to hear
this whole story here.
890
00:38:28,942 --> 00:38:30,243
We’re running behind,
sir.
891
00:38:30,276 --> 00:38:31,244
You know,
Bill’s right.
892
00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:33,046
Got to-got to spread
the wealth.
893
00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:34,447
How you doing there,
young lady.
894
00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:36,049
Stay in school,
little shaverette.
895
00:38:36,049 --> 00:38:37,283
-How you doing?
-Hi.
896
00:38:37,317 --> 00:38:39,753
Persian Gulf, Persian Gulf.
Good to see you.
897
00:38:39,786 --> 00:38:41,054
How you doing,
young man?
898
00:38:41,054 --> 00:38:43,823
-I’d like to ask you something.
-Yeah?
899
00:38:43,857 --> 00:38:46,960
I haven’t worked
in over a year-and-a-half.
900
00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:49,162
Yeah.
Tough, tough times here.
901
00:38:49,195 --> 00:38:52,599
Yeah, well, I’d like to know
how you justify your pay raise
902
00:38:52,632 --> 00:38:56,302
while families like mine
go hungry.
903
00:38:56,336 --> 00:38:58,238
Yeah, okay.
Okay, my friend.
904
00:38:58,271 --> 00:39:00,340
I-I deserve that,
deserve that.
905
00:39:00,373 --> 00:39:02,542
You know, I know
people are hurting,
906
00:39:02,575 --> 00:39:05,412
but the message today is
I care.
907
00:39:05,445 --> 00:39:06,780
And I’m ready to listen.
908
00:39:06,813 --> 00:39:09,749
And I’m here, I’m hands on,
and I’m domestic.
909
00:39:09,783 --> 00:39:13,420
I’m a hands-on
domestic listener.
910
00:39:13,453 --> 00:39:14,921
And I hear people out there.
911
00:39:15,021 --> 00:39:18,224
They got real problems,
because we’re in real trouble.
912
00:39:18,258 --> 00:39:19,793
And you know what,
young man?
913
00:39:19,826 --> 00:39:22,228
I care about you.
914
00:39:22,262 --> 00:39:24,464
You’ve ruined my life!
915
00:39:27,267 --> 00:39:28,268
Time, Bill?
916
00:39:28,301 --> 00:39:29,669
A minute forty-five,
Mr. President.
917
00:39:29,703 --> 00:39:32,539
All right, let’s talk
to this nice lady right here.
918
00:39:33,606 --> 00:39:36,576
-Oh, you know--
-Oh, my God.
919
00:39:36,609 --> 00:39:38,211
The gurus diagnosed me.
920
00:39:38,244 --> 00:39:40,680
I have the x-ray
right over there in my purse.
921
00:39:40,714 --> 00:39:41,848
Yeah.
Good cop, bad cop, Bill.
922
00:39:41,881 --> 00:39:43,583
Have you ever had
a barium enema?
923
00:39:43,616 --> 00:39:45,885
I’m sorry, ma’am.
My fault. My fault.
924
00:39:45,919 --> 00:39:47,554
Yeah, that’s Bill.
925
00:39:47,587 --> 00:39:49,055
-Time, Bill?
-58 seconds, Mr. President.
926
00:39:49,089 --> 00:39:51,358
-At 20, we make our move.
-Yes, sir.
927
00:39:51,391 --> 00:39:53,093
How you doing?
Good to see you.
928
00:39:53,126 --> 00:39:54,327
Good to get to mingle.
929
00:39:54,361 --> 00:39:56,696
Persian Gulf,
action over there.
930
00:39:56,730 --> 00:39:58,431
How you doing?
Good to see you.
931
00:39:58,465 --> 00:39:59,699
How are you,
young man?
932
00:39:59,733 --> 00:40:01,601
Mind if I join you here?
933
00:40:01,634 --> 00:40:02,869
What are you boys eating?
934
00:40:03,937 --> 00:40:04,871
Eggs and toast.
935
00:40:07,007 --> 00:40:09,175
Well, that’s-that’s good.
Eggs and toast.
936
00:40:09,209 --> 00:40:10,744
Good breakfast there.
937
00:40:10,777 --> 00:40:11,945
Yes, sir.
938
00:40:11,978 --> 00:40:13,513
Oh, come on now.
939
00:40:13,546 --> 00:40:15,548
Let’s have a dialogue here.
I don’t want you to be afraid.
940
00:40:15,582 --> 00:40:18,585
I want to take
the-the tough questions here.
941
00:40:18,618 --> 00:40:21,021
Admit I was wrong.
You know, I got to be honest.
942
00:40:21,054 --> 00:40:24,090
We are--we’re in
an economic free fall.
943
00:40:24,124 --> 00:40:26,393
It’s bad out there.
It’s bad. It’s bad.
944
00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:29,029
You know why I threw up
in Tokyo?
945
00:40:29,062 --> 00:40:32,599
I saw the latest
economic indicators.
946
00:40:32,632 --> 00:40:35,268
And it’s scary.
It’s scary out there.
947
00:40:35,301 --> 00:40:37,237
But I’m here,
I’m hands on,
948
00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:39,072
I’m domestic,
and I’m ready to listen.
949
00:40:39,105 --> 00:40:40,273
So go ahead.
950
00:40:40,306 --> 00:40:42,509
Just tell me
what’s on your mind, young man.
951
00:40:44,144 --> 00:40:46,146
-Eggs and toast.
-Toast and eggs.
952
00:40:48,882 --> 00:40:50,750
Classic breakfast.
953
00:40:50,784 --> 00:40:52,285
Bill.
954
00:40:52,318 --> 00:40:54,654
-Time, Bill?
-Time elapsed
13 seconds ago, Mr. President.
955
00:40:54,688 --> 00:40:56,690
-Bill, look at my shoe.
956
00:40:56,723 --> 00:40:57,857
Where is it pointed?
957
00:40:57,891 --> 00:40:59,459
-Toward the door, sir.
-Correct, sir.
958
00:40:59,492 --> 00:41:01,194
Count to three,
good cop, bad cop.
959
00:41:01,227 --> 00:41:05,165
-One, two--
-The President really
must be going.
960
00:41:05,198 --> 00:41:06,399
Thank you very much.
961
00:41:06,433 --> 00:41:08,868
Can’t I stay and mingle
a little longer, Bill?
962
00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:11,204
-No, Mr. President.
-Well, bye-bye.
963
00:41:11,237 --> 00:41:14,207
Bye-bye, everybody.
Good to see you. Got to go.
964
00:41:14,240 --> 00:41:18,144
Good to see you.
So long, angry young man.
965
00:41:18,178 --> 00:41:20,213
-So long, little shaver man.
-Bye.
966
00:41:20,246 --> 00:41:22,716
Stay in school.
Good to see you.
967
00:41:22,749 --> 00:41:25,719
Polyp lady, I think
I’ll miss you most of all.
968
00:41:25,752 --> 00:41:27,087
Oh.
969
00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:29,689
Well, so long, people.
Good to see you.
970
00:41:29,723 --> 00:41:31,624
Good to see you, you all.
971
00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:33,393
Good to see you.
972
00:41:33,426 --> 00:41:34,828
Persian Gulf.
973
00:41:35,962 --> 00:41:36,896
Bye.
974
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,136
Announcer: Next onRoad
to the White House,
975
00:41:43,169 --> 00:41:45,705
Former Massachusetts Senator,Paul Saunders,
976
00:41:45,739 --> 00:41:48,675
visits a sock factoryoutside Nashua.
977
00:41:56,249 --> 00:42:00,320
Um, Chevy, it’s really great
to have you back here again.
978
00:42:00,353 --> 00:42:02,055
Oh, thanks, Gloria.
979
00:42:02,088 --> 00:42:04,557
-It’s Victoria.
-Whatever. Thank you.
980
00:42:04,591 --> 00:42:08,428
man: Oh, great, thanks a lot.
(sobbing)
981
00:42:08,461 --> 00:42:09,763
What happened?
Who was that?
982
00:42:09,796 --> 00:42:11,297
That’s Tim.
983
00:42:11,331 --> 00:42:12,732
Well, why is he crying?
984
00:42:12,766 --> 00:42:13,700
Excuse me.
985
00:42:15,335 --> 00:42:17,604
-Tim?
-(sobbing)
986
00:42:21,708 --> 00:42:23,276
Tim.
987
00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,411
Tim, what’s wrong?
988
00:42:26,312 --> 00:42:29,249
Nothing.
Thanks, though, Mr. Chase.
989
00:42:29,282 --> 00:42:30,984
Come on.
Sit back, relax.
990
00:42:32,652 --> 00:42:35,722
You know, Tim, when you share
something with another person,
991
00:42:35,755 --> 00:42:38,458
a bond is created.
992
00:42:38,491 --> 00:42:39,793
We both worked
on the show
993
00:42:39,826 --> 00:42:42,796
and though, that’s not
where the similarity ends.
994
00:42:42,829 --> 00:42:44,097
(sobs)
995
00:42:44,130 --> 00:42:46,533
So what’s wrong?
Come on, it can’t be that bad.
996
00:42:48,134 --> 00:42:51,271
Come on, you tell me,
what is it, your family?
997
00:42:51,304 --> 00:42:52,672
-No.
-No.
998
00:42:52,706 --> 00:42:54,507
-Is it you? Are you sick?
-No.
999
00:42:54,541 --> 00:42:56,476
-Someone you know sick?
-No.
1000
00:42:56,509 --> 00:42:59,245
-Did you make someone sick?
-No.
1001
00:42:59,279 --> 00:43:02,382
-Is it health-related?
-No.
1002
00:43:02,415 --> 00:43:03,350
Hemorrhoids?
1003
00:43:04,684 --> 00:43:06,052
No.
1004
00:43:06,052 --> 00:43:08,455
Some type of, uh, discharge?
1005
00:43:09,656 --> 00:43:11,257
No.
1006
00:43:11,291 --> 00:43:14,761
You can tell me.
I mean, did you kill someone?
1007
00:43:14,794 --> 00:43:16,162
I did.
You can tell me.
1008
00:43:16,196 --> 00:43:17,931
-No.
-No.
1009
00:43:17,964 --> 00:43:20,934
You don’t have hemorrhoids.
You didn’t kill anyone.
1010
00:43:20,967 --> 00:43:23,269
Are you gay?
That’s okay.
1011
00:43:23,303 --> 00:43:26,272
Do you like men?
You want to have sex with me?
1012
00:43:26,306 --> 00:43:27,340
-No.
-Are you sure?
1013
00:43:27,374 --> 00:43:28,508
Yes.
1014
00:43:28,541 --> 00:43:30,076
Not gay, not after me.
1015
00:43:31,978 --> 00:43:33,613
Did you rape someone?
1016
00:43:33,646 --> 00:43:36,116
-No.
-Were you raped?
You want to rape me?
1017
00:43:36,149 --> 00:43:38,084
-No.
-Are you sure?
1018
00:43:38,084 --> 00:43:39,352
-I’m sure.
-Didn’t rape.
1019
00:43:39,386 --> 00:43:41,721
Did an--Did an animal have sex
with you?
1020
00:43:41,755 --> 00:43:43,790
-No.
-No.
1021
00:43:43,823 --> 00:43:45,792
You want me to have sex
with an animal or--
1022
00:43:45,825 --> 00:43:47,427
-No.
-Are you sure? ’Cause I will.
1023
00:43:47,460 --> 00:43:49,929
-I mean, I’ve done it before.
It’s not a problem.
-No.
1024
00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:52,732
No, I’m fine, Mr. Chase.
Really. Thank you, though.
1025
00:43:52,766 --> 00:43:53,900
All right, well,
look, Tim,
1026
00:43:53,933 --> 00:43:55,802
I-I don’t know
what could be wrong with you
1027
00:43:55,835 --> 00:43:57,637
but I want you to know
I respect your privacy,
1028
00:43:57,671 --> 00:43:59,639
and if you ever want
to talk to me, you can.
1029
00:43:59,673 --> 00:44:04,044
-Can I tell you something?
It might make you feel better.
-Sure. Sure.
1030
00:44:04,044 --> 00:44:05,912
This used to be
my dressing room.
1031
00:44:05,945 --> 00:44:07,280
-Really?
-Yep.
1032
00:44:07,313 --> 00:44:08,882
-Wow, that’s great.
-Yeah.
1033
00:44:08,915 --> 00:44:10,717
Anyway,
I remember one time,
1034
00:44:10,750 --> 00:44:12,318
I was depressed
about my life and career,
1035
00:44:12,352 --> 00:44:13,787
I came in here
and just sat down
1036
00:44:13,820 --> 00:44:16,823
and just started
making up songs.
1037
00:44:16,856 --> 00:44:17,924
-(chuckles)
-(chuckles)
1038
00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:20,160
Made me feel better.
You want to hear one?
1039
00:44:20,193 --> 00:44:22,128
-No.
-Are you sure? I could play one.
1040
00:44:22,162 --> 00:44:23,697
No, no.
Thanks, though, Mr. Chase.
1041
00:44:23,730 --> 00:44:25,165
I think
I get the point.
1042
00:44:25,198 --> 00:44:26,833
You came in here,
you made up the songs,
1043
00:44:26,866 --> 00:44:29,269
and that’s what brought you
out of your depression, right?
1044
00:44:29,302 --> 00:44:30,503
(chuckles)
No, no, no.
1045
00:44:30,537 --> 00:44:32,739
I-I was signed to a mulching,
multi-picture deal.
1046
00:44:32,772 --> 00:44:34,341
That’s what brought me out
of it.
1047
00:44:34,374 --> 00:44:36,343
I realized I never had to look
at these walls again.
1048
00:44:36,376 --> 00:44:40,847
-That was basically
what brought me out of it.
-Well, what’s the point?
1049
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:44,684
There really is no point, Tim,
no point at all to anything.
1050
00:44:44,718 --> 00:44:47,687
Don’t try to find an answer
to life, okay?
1051
00:44:47,721 --> 00:44:49,956
’Cause in the end,
we all die anyway,
1052
00:44:49,989 --> 00:44:54,227
and it’s usually slow
and painful.
1053
00:44:54,260 --> 00:44:56,129
Feel better?
1054
00:44:56,162 --> 00:44:58,098
-No.
-Well, I do.
1055
00:44:58,098 --> 00:45:00,066
Now get out there
and do a good show.
1056
00:45:00,100 --> 00:45:02,168
I’m not in anything
except for this.
1057
00:45:02,202 --> 00:45:03,236
Oh, oh.
1058
00:45:03,269 --> 00:45:06,039
Well,
go get me a sandwich.
1059
00:45:06,039 --> 00:45:07,407
-Sure, Mr. Chase.
-Thank you.
1060
00:45:14,047 --> 00:45:18,318
( singing )
1061
00:45:23,556 --> 00:45:27,627
-Hello, I’m Hal Kaufman.
-And I’m Enrique Kaufman
for Kaufman’s Big and Tall--
1062
00:45:27,660 --> 00:45:31,297
And Short and Small Sephardic
Jew Men’s Clothing Store.
1063
00:45:31,331 --> 00:45:32,766
We’d like to take
this opportunity
1064
00:45:32,799 --> 00:45:35,602
to clear up a misconception
about Kaufman’s Big and Tall...
1065
00:45:35,635 --> 00:45:36,770
And Short and Small--
1066
00:45:36,803 --> 00:45:39,205
Sephardic Jew Men’s
Clothing Store.
1067
00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:41,574
While some people think
that Kaufman’s Big and Tall...
1068
00:45:41,608 --> 00:45:42,676
And Short and Small--
1069
00:45:42,709 --> 00:45:44,411
Sephardic Jew Men’s
Clothing Store
1070
00:45:44,444 --> 00:45:46,413
is only for big
and tall...
1071
00:45:46,446 --> 00:45:50,083
-And short and small.
-Sephardic Jews, they could be
and they couldn’t be more wrong.
1072
00:45:50,083 --> 00:45:51,418
That’s right, Enrique.
1073
00:45:51,451 --> 00:45:53,887
We included Sephardic Jew
in the name of our stores
1074
00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,155
as a point
of ethnic pride
1075
00:45:55,188 --> 00:45:58,291
because we are in fact,
Sephardic Jews.
1076
00:45:58,324 --> 00:45:59,626
But we’re running out
of time,
1077
00:45:59,659 --> 00:46:01,528
the point is that Kaufman’s
Big and Tall...
1078
00:46:01,561 --> 00:46:02,862
And Short and Small.
1079
00:46:02,896 --> 00:46:05,498
Sephardic Jew Men’s
Clothing Store, every man--
1080
00:46:05,532 --> 00:46:07,701
Announcer:That’s Kaufman’s Big and Tall
1081
00:46:07,734 --> 00:46:10,904
and Short and Small SephardicJew Men’s Clothing Store.
1082
00:46:10,937 --> 00:46:13,173
Free goldStar of David Medallion
1083
00:46:13,206 --> 00:46:14,574
with every purchase.
1084
00:46:27,287 --> 00:46:29,556
Good night, Janie. I love you.
Good night, everybody.
82164
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