Original subtitles

Announcer: You are watchingCable 10,

Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel.

* Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World *

-* Party time. Excellent * -* Party time. Excellent *

-All right. -(audience applauding)

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host, Wayne Campbell.

-Whoo! -Whoo!

-Party! -Party!

-Whoo! -Party hardy.

It’s Friday. It’s 10:30. It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

Uh-huh.

-With me, as always, is Garth. -Party on, Wayne.

Party on, Garth. Okay. All right.

Well, 1991 is over, a lot’s happened.

We won the Gulf War.

-Excellent. -Yeah.

And the Bulls won the NBA Championship.

-Excellent. -Yeah. Okay.

The hostages were released.

Uh, the William Kennedy Smith trial.

-Hello? Hello? -(audience laughs)

Okay.

And Garth, if I’m not mistaken,

this is the year you finally got pubes.

-(audience laughs) -Yeah.

My body is kind of slow but I got a lot of them now.

All right. Good. Okay.

But the most important thing about 1991

is that it was the year

that Communism fell on the Soviet Union

which is great, I suppose,

but Garth and I are kind of bummed.

-Yeah, it bites. -Truly.

So now we’d like to do

the Top Ten Reasons Why We’re Bummed

that Communism Fell on the Soviet Union.

-* Wayne’s World Top Ten * -* Wayne’s World Top Ten *

-* Reasons Why We’re Bummed * -* Reasons Why We’re Bummed *

-* Communism Fell * -* Communism Fell *

-Okay. All right. -(audience laughs)

Okay. Number 10.

-New maps. -(audience laughs)

I’m sorry.

I’m just used to seeing the Soviet Union

being this big pink blob, you know?

Now with all these new Republics, you know,

the maps gonna be this ornate, multi-hued affair.

(audience laughs)

It’s gonna look like a plate of hurl.

-(audience laughs) -Okay.

-All right. -Okay.

Number nine.

What’s gonna happen to Yakov Smirnoff?

(audience applause)

His career is over.

Sorry. Toughsky crapsky, Yakov.

Sorry. Okay. Number eight.

We’ll, we’ll never find out

-what that thing on Gorbachev’s head was? -(audience laughs)

-Hello? Hello? -Grape jam? What?

-(indistinct chattering) -Okay, number seven.

Reason why we’re bummed communism fell.

Katarina Witt, you know, she just seems less exotic now.

Yeah, I know, when she was Eastern Bloc,

she had the taste of the forbidden fruit.

-Schwing. -Schwing.

-(audience applause) -What?

-All right. -(audience applause)

Now, now she’s just another cute chic in an ice show

-with a tight skater’s butt. -(audience laughs)

But still, Garth, that butt knew no political ideology.

-Tell it. -Okay.

All right. Number six.

The fall of communism would deal a major blow

to the Trade Union Movement.

Labor relations will revert

to Industrial Revolutionary Social Darwinism.

-Okay. -(audience laughs)

-Interesting. Okay. -Good one.

Okay. Number five.

Are they gonna have to change the name of the song,

- Back in the U.S.S.R.? -(audience laughs)

What?

Is it gonna have to be,

* Back in the Commonwealth of Independent *

* Back in the Commonwealth of Independent *

* Back in the Commonwealth of Independent states *

* Those "Uzbekian" girls really knock me out *

-Hello? Okay. -Anyone?

Okay. Number four.

Spy junk in the future is gonna suck.

-(audience laughs) -Yeah.

Who’s gonna-- Who’s James Bond gonna spy on?

-The Guatemalans? -Yeah.

-As if. -(audience laughs)

I know. Okay. All right.

Ten years from now, you’re not gonna able to see

those amazing shows on A&E

about elite Soviet commando units

who can kill people with their own hair.

-Yeah. I love A&E. -(audience laughs)

Yeah, it’s the World War II channel.

Okay. Number three.

Playboy won’t have any more girls

-of the Soviet Union nations. -(audience laughs)

Huh? Denied.

Okay. Number two.

No more bogus Soviet Union rock bands to make fun of.

-(audience applause) -I mean...

Did you see Live Aid with that Soviet Union band, Autograph?

-Excuse me, a baking powder? -(audience laughs)

-I’d rather like them. Yet. -Yet.

(audience applause)

All right. Okay.

-All right. -All right.

And the number one reason why we’re bummed communism fell.

Well, we probably won’t be the first ones

to say on Russian television.

-Live from New York, -Live from New York,

-it’s Saturday Night. -it’s Saturday Night.

Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade.

And featuring,

Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

Robert Smigel,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Robbie Robertson.

-And starring, Chevy Chase. -(audience applauding)

Announcer: You’ve found that one special someone,

and you never want to be apart.

You dine together,

you play together,

you sleep together,

you even bathe together.

So why not share the most intimate moment of them all?

-With the Love Toilet. -(audience applauding)

Exquisitely designed,

hand-crafted of the finest porcelain

with flushes handling and float bowl

imported from France, the nation of love.

- The Love Toilet. -(audience laughs)

From Niagara, the toilet people.

Because when you’re in love,

even five minutes apart can seem like an eternity.

Announcer: The Love Toilet.

Available at all Bambergers, and other fine stores.

(audience applauding)

Woman:Adopt-A-Pet is a non-profit organization

that tries to find homes for abandoned animals.

Hi and welcome to Adopt-A-Pet. I’m Tom Hanes.

And I’m Terry Hanes.

This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets

that could really use a good home.

Let’s meet one of them.

This guy over here is Sparky.

He’s a growler who loves to bark.

He’s full of energy, like a little spark plug,

that’s why we call him Sparky.

(chuckles)

The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser.

He’s up before the crack of dawn,

barking and yelping and whining and growling.

He’s a very loud dog.

So if you want to adopt Sparky,

just call the number on the bottom of your screen.

Now Sparky is not a city dog.

He’s a little nervous. He needs to run.

He loves to eat,

but he’s got a little trouble digesting.

I’d love to keep him,

but I don’t think he’s gonna get along with my other dogs.

He’s kind of a scrapper.

So please call. Sparky’s waiting.

Well, while we’re waiting for the phone to ring for Sparky,

Terry, why don’t you tell us a little

about your second pet over there?

Okay. Well, this is Fluffy.

She’s an orange Calico, Isn’t she adorable?

(chuckles) Yeah, she is so cute.

And if you have a lot of secondhand furniture,

then Fluffy is the cat for you.

She loves to scratch and bite and spit.

Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat.

Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable,

a good surprise.

Now if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us.

Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes.

And if you’ll adopt Fluffy,

you’ll also get an extra added bonus.

Sit.

She’s pregnant.

Yeah, that’s right.

Within a few weeks,

Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens somewhere in your house.

I’m sure she’ll make a great mother,

at least, until she goes into heat again.

So if you want to adopt Fluffy,

just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

You should also know that Sparky is still available.

(phone rings)

Hey.

-Hello, Adopt a Pet. -Yeah, Hi.

Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother?

I wouldn’t chance it.

Okay, thanks.

All right.

Our last pet today is really exotic.

That’s right.

Mr. Bonkers, and he’s a rhesus monkey.

-It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet. -That’s right.

It’s even more unusual to have one with syphilis.

Unfortunately,

the syphilis is at a very pretty advanced stage,

so Mr. Bonkers is visually impaired.

He’s probably also insane,

but in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure.

Either way, Mr. Bonkers is to make

some lucky family a great pet.

Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers

because his anatomy is so like our own.

(chuckles)

He just loves to scamper about the house,

picking up whatever he can find,

throwing it against the wall.

His own excrement, for example.

So if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers,

just call the number on your screen.

Michael Jackson has a monkey.

Yeah, but his is better than ours.

Well, we’re out of time.

So join us tomorrow on Adopt a Petfor Reptile Day.

We got a really vicious snapping turtle

and a lizard that can get out of anything.

-Good night. -Good night.

Just wish we have more room.

Announcer: Due to a lack of interest,

the Super Bowl will be preempted in the Chicago area.

Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare,

my friends.

Man: It’s time to test your knowledge against the best,

onBob Swerski’s Quiz Masters.

Now here’s your host, Bob Swerski.

(audience applauding)

Good afternoon.

Gentlemen.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, folks.

And welcome to Quiz Masters, live from Chicago, IL,

home to a certain team, which come January 1993,

will clasp in its burly hands a certain Super Bowl trophy,

a team which is known as Da Bears.

All: Da Bears.

(audience applauding)

Contestants, if you are ready,

let’s look at today’s categories.

We have Bears,

Ditka, Bulls,

Famous Ditkas Through History,

Ditka-tionary,

and Grab Bag.

Okay, we flipped the coin backstage,

and, Pat, you have control.

Let’s start with Bears for $100.

Certain Super Bowl Winner 1993-1998.

-(buzzer buzzes) -Pat.

-Da Bears. -Da Bears is correct.

Okay, try again.

Okay, I’ll try Bears for $200.

Bears versus Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat.

-(buzzer buzzes) -Todd.

-Da Bears. -Right again.

Okay, Todd, you have control of the board.

Let’s go with the Bears for $300.

In 1957,

Eisenhower said he’d like a foreign policy

like the defense of a certain team.

(buzzer buzzes)

Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was Da Bears.

Da Bears.

Okay, okay, before we continue,

let’s take a moment to meet our contestants.

-Todd, how you doing? -Not bad.

Okay, great. Okay. Let’s get back to the game.

Okay, Todd, you still have control of the board.

Uh, let me have Ditka for $100.

All right, Ditka’s Styling Mousse.

-(buzzer buzzes) -Carl.

Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.

Carl, you are on the board.

Let’s go over the Bulls, for $200, Bob.

For $200, What if the Bulls were--

-(buzzer buzzes) -Todd.

Bulls, 142-61.

That is correct.

I’ll finish the question, however.

What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix,

and Jordan played the entire game in a "Lazyboy" recliner.

And the answer, Bulls 142, Phoenix 61.

Very good, Todd.

-Let’s go back to Ditka for $200, Bob. -All right.

True or false.

Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood.

-(buzzer buzzes) -Pat.

-True. -It is true.

Okay, we got a good one going here right now.

But for those of you who had some money on the game,

let’s get a Super Bowl update from my daughter,

the lovely Denise.

Both teams look like garbage, Dad.

All I know is Da Bears could be kicking

some major butt right now.

All right, isn’t she lovely? Thank you, Denise.

Right now, let’s pause for this commercial.

Great to have you back from your heart attack, Todd.

Thanks. The doc’s got me on a special low-fat diet.

I’m a new man.

A special diet?

But, Todd, you got a plate full of Polish sausage.

(chuckles) No, I don’t, Pat.

This is a Polish sausage substitute.

That’s right.

It’s called "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage."

A polish sausage substitute? I could never eat that.

(chuckles) You’re eating it right now, my friend.

Man: "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage" from DITCO.

All right, welcome back.

Pat has control of the board. Pat?

-Let’s try Grab Bag for $100. -(bell dings)

Oh, Lightning Round.

Okay, Pat, 3 questions, 10 seconds.

-Here we go, "Greatest movie of all time." -Da Bear.

"Greatest 19th Century Novelist".

Flaubert.

"Tastiest Cheese available to Man".

-Camembert! -Good job, Pat!

(Crowd cheering) (Applause)

That means it’s time for the Final Quiz Masters.

Todd, you are still in the lead,

but this question is worth $500 point,

so anyone can win.

First, let’s hear what our second

and third place winners will receive.

Contestants will receive a gift certificate

from Yuremovic’s sports jackets and slacks.

"Yuremovic’s, hey, that’s a sharp looking sportcoat."

And a custom Bear paint job,

courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln,

no more sloppy paint job, now it’s Vincent Van Bear.

Back to you, Bob.

All right, contestants, here we go.

The Final Quiz Masters question is, "Bears vs. Bulls."

Write in your answers now, gentlemen.

(Music plays)

Da Bears versus Da Bulls.

Okay, that was a tough one.

Let’s see what our contestants said. First, Pat.

Looks like Pat ran out of time. Sorry, buddy.

Okay, Carl, what do you have here?

Carl says the...

What do you say, Carl?

Well, what do you think it says?

That’s a nice try, Carl. That’s okay, that’s good.

All right. Todd says,

"The senseless waste of pitting these

two mighty forces of nature against each other,

like matter vs. antimatter,

will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved...

...but for our planet.

All nations must band together,

to ensure that such a conflagration

never takes place."

That is absolutely correct.

Todd, you are the winner.

(Crowd cheering) (Applause)

Todd, that was beautiful. That was beautiful.

Hey, don’t get all the blueberry on me, would you, guys?

All right. Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize,

-five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. -All right.

Here’s your bucket of cheese, Todd.

Get on in there, we’re all proud of you, buddy.

Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth.

And there they go.

Very good, Todd. What a lucky man, folks.

Okay, the Super Bowl’s still going on,

so stay tuned for a special presentation

of "The Blues Brothers".

Good night, everybody.

(Crowd cheering) (Applause)

We’re the court appointed attorneys for Jeffrey Dahmer.

(Crowd laughing)

Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.

Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?

Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury

that I’m insane.

(Crowd laughing)

Is that really a concern, Jeff?

I think in that area, we’re doing pretty well.

(Crowd laughing)

Yes, we are confident

that the jury is going to find you insane.

Well, that’s easy for you to say,

it’s my ass they’re gonna fry.

Well, we just feel that the cannibalism

together with a box of bones

will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of...

I’m glad you guys are so confident.

I’m not so sure.

All right, let’s stay focused.

Our problem is we’ve got three days

to get that jury to believe I’m out of my mind.

Jeff, we’ve got a psychiatrist

from Northeastern University in Boston

who has agreed to testify.

Okay, here’s my plan.

I go in there money on Monday, or money...

(Crowd laughing)

looking really depressed like this.

Then I start talking to myself in an imaginary lingo,

like De Niro did in that sitcom, "Taxi".

(Crowd laughing)

You talking to me? You talking to me?

What’s the matter? You talking to me?

You talking to me? Hey, who you talking to, me?

(Crowd laughing)

Then on the way back to the holding area,

I let out a little bark and yell like this...

(barks like a dog)

Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.

Jeff, if you’ll forgive me,

I think you’ve been over thinking this. (Crowd laughing)

My best legal advice is that you go into that court room,

relax, and just be yourself.

(Crowd laughing)

-And if you’re found insane... -If I’m found insane...

you will be committed to a mental institution.

After a year, you can petition for your release.

Um-hmm. (Crowd laughing)

Let me see if I understand where you’re going with this.

Oh, my God.

You’re both pretty confident I’ll be found insane,

-is that correct? -Guard! Guard!

I spend a year in a nuthouse then I can petition to leave.

I mean, it’s just that easy. No problem for me.

Jeff, what are we gonna have to do with you?

What do you mean?

By the way, that reporter from "A Current Affair"

is here to see you.

-Today? -Yeah.

Well, okay send him in.

(Crowd cheering) (Applause)

Announcer:Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

(audience applauding)

You, uh-- What are you wearing?

I mean, is it, uh, sexy? Is it ribbed?

Is it what?

Well, it’s a slinky little see-through I--

(audience laughing)

-Spiky, yes. -I bet you look-- Oh!

Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an American car owner.

Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.

And--

(audience cheering)

And I own a Beemer.

(audience laughing)

Our top story of the night.

Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

(audience cheering)

In other news, the U.S. Post Office Department

today has issued a new stamp

honoring, of all things, prostitution in America.

It’s a 30-cent stamp but if you want to lick it,

it’s a dollar.

(audience laughing)

General Ford has revealed his new campaign slogan,

"If he’s so dumb, how come he’s president?"

-Excuse me, Chevy. -Yeah.

-Uh-- -What’s the problem?

Well, I--I think the problem is that, well,

you’re still living in the ’70s.

That, uh--

Listen, why don’t you take a break?

Get your notes together, update some more stories and--

Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re right. I’m sorry.

Chevy Chase will be joining us later on

for some updated stories hopefully.

Following President Bush’s visit to Japan last week,

a trained monkey has been appearing on Japanese television

and making fun of the president

by keeling over and collapsing on a table.

The White House is obviously very upset by this portrayal.

Although to the monkey’s credit,

he did manage to secure more successful trade agreement

for the U.S.

(audience laughing)

Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton

denied allegations of sexual impropriety

by announcing that he is no Gary Hart.

Elizabeth Ward, the former Miss America linked to Clinton

agreed with the Governor saying, "I knew Gary Hart.

I slept with Gary Hart.

And you’re right. You are no Gary Hart."

(audience laughing)

Well, after three months of campaigning,

Democratic candidate Paul Tsongas

has told the American public

that the T in his name is a typographical error.

(audience laughing)

A gloating President Bush told New Hampshire voters today

that his "no new tax pledge" finally applies

since people are unemployed on making no new money.

(audience laughs)

Political observers are divided

on whether it was a good omen on New Hampshire

when Bush’s campaign kick-off dinner

was held at a Benihana.

(audience laughing)

And President Bush has denied saying this week

that the economy is in a free fall.

"They would be-- that would be irresponsible," commented Bush.

"What I said was the economy is a free for all.

My advice is to grab whatever you can now

before it all just falls apart."

(audience laughs)

All right.

In an interview with David Frost last week,

President Bush said, quote,

"I will do anything to get re-elected."

Bush then left the set

and reappeared in a Catwoman costume.

(audience laughing)

Five thousand Russian citizens

took to the streets of Moscow Sunday

protesting Boris Yeltsin’s economic reforms

and demanding return to communism.

Since most people in the crowd were Communists themselves,

they immediately rounded themselves up

and threw themselves in jail

for demonstrating against the state.

(audience laughing)

Not only is Boris Yeltsin the president

of the Russian Hair Club but he is also a client.

(audience laughing)

A group of California death row inmates

have sued the state for refusing to let them pass on their genes

either through artificial insemination

or visits from their spouses.

The inmates took up the cause after another low turnout

at the Annual Death Row Father-Son picnic.

(audience laughing)

Well, a recent ruling in New York

now allows people to make love in a parked car.

But you are still not allowed to make love to a parked car.

(audience laughing)

This Monday, America celebrates

what would have been Martin Luther King’s 63rd birthday.

Most people will have the day-off

except the citizens of Arizona

who voted against the King holiday.

More on this from SNL news correspondent Chris Rock.

-Chris? -(audience cheering)

Thank you, Kevin.

Thanks a lot now.

There’s been a lot of talk

about the people of Arizona being racists

so I went to see for myself.

I went to Arizona

and I’m walking through the streets of Tucson,

pushing my little baby brother in a stroller

when a white woman comes up to the baby, smiles,

and says, "Boy, what a pretty niglet."

Now if you don’t like black people, that’s one thing.

But what I can’t understand

is why people in a hot-ass desert town like Tucson, Arizona

wouldn’t want a day off work.

It’s not like you have to do something black

on that day, you know?

You don’t have to read Ebonymagazine.

You don’t have to watch Soul Train.

All you have to do is not work.

(audience laughing)

Now if this was an Elvis holiday,

they’d--they’d take that off.

Boy, it would be like another Christmas.

You’d see, like, big, fat white guys coming down chimneys

with Elvis jumpsuits on, giving out Quaaludes.

(audience cheering)

Now everybody doesn’t get Martin Luther King’s birthday off.

Even in states that celebrate, some people still have to work.

Now one group of people that never has to work

is prisoners, criminals, that’s right.

Every criminal in every jail gets the day off work

which means even James Earl Ray,

the man that killed Martin Luther King gets the day off.

Now he’s so crazy, he’s probably walking around in prison

going, you know, "Everybody’s off today

and nobody even bothered to thank me."

(audience laughing)

Now what Arizona needs to do, what Arizona needs to do

is give Dr. King somebody else’s holiday

’cause there’s so many holidays they celebrate every year

that mean nothing.

Like Columbus Day. Nobody celebrates Columbus Day.

Nobody puts, like, three ships in their front yard.

(audience laughing)

First of all, Columbus discovered the West Indies.

Second of all, the land he discovered had occupants on it.

You know, that’s kind of like

discovering somebody else’s backyard, yeah.

(audience laughing)

So when you think about real hard,

all Columbus did was to discover a West Indian backyard.

He got there with his little flag.

He’s like, "Hey, I claim this land for Spain."

And the West Indian guy is, like,

"Hey, man, get your damn flag out my yard now.

Move it now."

So Arizona, get your act together and hail the King.

Thanks a lot, Kevin.

Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen.

(audience cheering)

In a surprise move this week, baseball great Pete Rose

was inducted into the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame.

Said Pete Rose, "It makes sense

I’ve never been on a rock n roll band."

This week, Juice, a movie about black youths

involving violence opened.

Oddly enough, there were fights at some theaters

mainly between black gang members and Hasidim,

who had thought the movie was entitled "Jews."

(audience laughing)

Over the past several months, more people than ever

have been practicing safe sex.

Although now many couples

have been reporting allergic reactions to latex condoms.

You know, that’s-- It’s kind of funny

’cause all this time I thought I was just allergic to the cat

but no, I guess not.

(audience laughing)

In an experiment to see how long they could survive,

two California condors were released

from a captive breeding program this week

and tonight probably flew off into the wilds

of Los Padres National Forest in California.

Within 10 minutes, the endangered species

were blown out of the sky

and scattered about the forest floor by two fun-loving hunters.

(audience laughing)

Scientists now say that current global warming trends

could actually lead to a new Ice Age within 10,000 years.

Unfortunately, economic analyst project that

by that time we’ll just be coming out of a recession

so folks ought to be able to afford some warm clothes.

Here now with the brief history of breast implants

and their problems,

it’s Weekend Update’s Chevy Chase.

-Chevy? -(audience cheering)

Kevin, in order to understand the current problem

associated with the silicone gel breast implants,

we must first look at the history of breast implants.

The very first one worn by George Washington’s wife

was made of a crude leather sac filled of wood.

(audience laughing)

In the early 1960’s,

the much-improved breast implants

were plastic envelopes or sacs filled with air.

Some sacs even contained helium,

but presented a problem for some of the lighter recipients.

(audience laughing)

In 1965, the sacs were filled with Silly Putty

which had its own problems.

On occasions, the sac would shatter

or the woman’s breast would bounce out of control.

(audience laughing)

On some occasions, a woman falling asleep reading newspaper

wake up to find Peanuts or Beetle Bailey

printed on the breasts.

(audience laughing)

The early ’70s brought us breast implants

filled with Jell-O and other dessert products,

which led to the incidents of man eating the breasts.

(audience laughs)

The popular alternative was the coffee implant

which kept the breasts up all day.

(audience laughing)

Two of the more successful,

or rather unsuccessful transplant ideas

were actually using breast implant sacs

containing Slinkys for the older women natural look

and the use of chewed-up bubble gum for nipple replacements.

Of course, the latest, the ribbed, uh, no--

I’m sorry, wait a minute here.

Let me get this here.

Oh, yes, the controversial silicone gel

and the saline alternative.

Now we know the problems of silicone

but what most people don’t know

about the alternative saline implants

is after a while the salty filler

causes your gums and lips to start bleeding.

As far as the safety and durability,

I see no problem.

We strapped a crash-test dummy

suited with a bra and implants and rammed her into me.

And there was no problem.

The main thing, of course,

is that they look and-and feel natural.

That’s right. Thank you, Chevy.

Thank me.

Well, the Supreme Court heard arguments, Monday

on the issue whether the tobacco industry should be liable

for smokers’ deaths.

The deciding vote in this case

could actually be cast by Justice Clarence Thomas,

who not only smoke cigars himself,

but is also known

to occasionally brag about their length.

I’m sorry, this just coming.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received a report

that Arkansas’s Bill Clinton

is now leading in the New Hampshire primaries.

More on that as it develops.

I may not know as much about primaries or politics,

as say, Chevy,

but when they have the elections in New Hampshire,

February, uh--

-18th. -18th.

Then we’ll see who the real frontrunner is.

That’s what I believe.

Because in my opinion, uh...

you really can’t believe all those--

-Pollsters. -Pollsters.

Besides, a lot of the frontrunners

are-are leading in the primaries,

because they have, who knows what,

besides an amazing amount of funding

from-from these big, you know, uh--

-Hookers. -Hookers.

And for good reason, when I say, "Hooker,"

I’m speaking figuratively about your, uh--

-Mother. -Mother.

And-and other family members.

Because it is you, as a family,

that pay taxes.

And it is you that is getting screwed.

I mean, don’t misunderstand me by any means.

I mean, I’m a big believer in, uh--

-Colostomy bags. -Colostomy bags.

I mean, if you got to have them, you got to have them.

That’s the system.

-So I, uh-- -So I, uh, uh...

I guess that-that from watching

all the candidates and their speeches,

I-I’ve developed a real, uh--

-Pus-filled infection. -Pus-filled infection, uh...

that should have immediate attention.

An infection not unlike what we’re experiencing

right here, in-in, uh, in, uh--

New Jersey.

Look, let me-let me handle this, okay?

I think I know what I’m talking about here.

Thanks anyway.

I don’t-I don’t think I need any, uh--

-Help. -Help.

Not unlike what we’re experiencing

right here in New Jersey.

And let me just say that the hard part is the candidates.

They’re all very similar.

As far as I’m concerned,

it’s like choosing between apples and, uh--

-Nipples. -Nipples.

They’re both red.

They’re both quite obviously different.

So when you go to the voting booth this year,

remember to--

-Floss. -Floss.

Flossing will protect you

from the bacteria in the political system.

And if you’d ask me,

I’d say that probably Jerry Brown

would probably make the best--

-Cross-dresser. -Cross-dresser.

And on that note,

I guess that just about wraps up my, uh--

-Career. -Career.

I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

Man: C-SPAN continues its coverage

of the 1992 presidential campaign

withRoad to the White House.

On Wednesday, President Bush visited Daniel’s coffee shop

in Henniker, New Hampshire.

Our C-SPAN camera,

the only camera we have, was there.

As was our microphone.

How are you? Good to see you.

Good to see you, little shaver.

How are you? Good to see you.

Good to see you fine people. How are you?

Persian Gulf.

How are you? Good to see you.

Persian Gulf.

The aroma of fresh brewed coffee in here.

Like what I’m seeing.

Baked goods over in that area over there.

(chuckles)

Dollars being exchanged.

The greatest diner I have ever seen.

(chuckles)

What’s the name of this place again, Bill?

Daniel’s Diner, sir.

Daniel. Daniel’s diner.

I’d love to meet this Daniel.

Well, sir, Daniel is, uh--

Daniel is dead, sir.

Yeah?

Suicide. Evidently business hasn’t been that good.

Actually, I think the large turnout

is largely because of your being here.

Daniel is very popular in the community,

and there seems to be a lot of, well, bad feelings.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, this is Mrs. Daniel.

Dear lady, dear lady, good to see you.

You know, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years.

Good time to refinance for you.

How much time, Bill?

Five minutes, 30 seconds, sir.

All right. All right. How are you doing?

Good to see you.

Hi, little shaver.

Stay in school. Study hard.

(chuckles)

How are you doing? Persian Gulf. Persian Gulf.

Persian Gulf.

How are you, young lady?

-Hi, Mr. President. -How are you?

Are you gonna do any skiing while you’re up here?

Well, I’ll tell you this.

If I’d brought my skis, I’d take you up on it.

Oh, you can borrow some of mine.

Well, I, wouldn’t want to-- you to go to in any trouble.

No, it’s no trouble. They’re in my truck.

Well, actually, I use the old wooden skis.

Oh, they’re wood. I’ll go get them.

No, not gonna happen.

I didn’t really want to ski here, young lady.

Just a little friendly banter. Not to be taken literally.

-Okay, how much time, Bill? -Four more minutes, sir.

All right.

Hi, there. Hi, there.

How-- who we got? How are you?

This is the greatest thing to happen to me

in my whole life.

You know, I’ve been so sick.

Oh, yeah. Healthcare, big issue.

-I had a polyp on my colon. -Uh-huh.

And the fluid just ran out of me for days.

Yeah, yeah.

My daughter had to come over and take care of me.

Sure, that’s--

I couldn’t lay on my back.

-She had to turn me. -Yeah, yeah.

She’d put her hands underneath me like this--

Right.

and I’d put my hand on the headboard like that--

Time, Bill. Time.

-take a deep breath-- -Three minutes, sir.

and, oh, the gas.

And it lasted for so long.

Yeah, good cop, bad cop, Bill.

Sorry, ma’am. Sorry.

The President has to move on.

Really, Bill?

You know, because I want to hear this whole story here.

We’re running behind, sir.

You know, Bill’s right.

Got to-got to spread the wealth.

How you doing there, young lady.

Stay in school, little shaverette.

-How you doing? -Hi.

Persian Gulf, Persian Gulf. Good to see you.

How you doing, young man?

-I’d like to ask you something. -Yeah?

I haven’t worked in over a year-and-a-half.

Yeah. Tough, tough times here.

Yeah, well, I’d like to know how you justify your pay raise

while families like mine go hungry.

Yeah, okay. Okay, my friend.

I-I deserve that, deserve that.

You know, I know people are hurting,

but the message today is I care.

And I’m ready to listen.

And I’m here, I’m hands on, and I’m domestic.

I’m a hands-on domestic listener.

And I hear people out there.

They got real problems, because we’re in real trouble.

And you know what, young man?

I care about you.

You’ve ruined my life!

Time, Bill?

A minute forty-five, Mr. President.

All right, let’s talk to this nice lady right here.

-Oh, you know-- -Oh, my God.

The gurus diagnosed me.

I have the x-ray right over there in my purse.

Yeah. Good cop, bad cop, Bill.

Have you ever had a barium enema?

I’m sorry, ma’am. My fault. My fault.

Yeah, that’s Bill.

-Time, Bill? -58 seconds, Mr. President.

-At 20, we make our move. -Yes, sir.

How you doing? Good to see you.

Good to get to mingle.

Persian Gulf, action over there.

How you doing? Good to see you.

How are you, young man?

Mind if I join you here?

What are you boys eating?

Eggs and toast.

Well, that’s-that’s good. Eggs and toast.

Good breakfast there.

Yes, sir.

Oh, come on now.

Let’s have a dialogue here. I don’t want you to be afraid.

I want to take the-the tough questions here.

Admit I was wrong. You know, I got to be honest.

We are--we’re in an economic free fall.

It’s bad out there. It’s bad. It’s bad.

You know why I threw up in Tokyo?

I saw the latest economic indicators.

And it’s scary. It’s scary out there.

But I’m here, I’m hands on,

I’m domestic, and I’m ready to listen.

So go ahead.

Just tell me what’s on your mind, young man.

-Eggs and toast. -Toast and eggs.

Classic breakfast.

Bill.

-Time, Bill? -Time elapsed 13 seconds ago, Mr. President.

-Bill, look at my shoe.

Where is it pointed?

-Toward the door, sir. -Correct, sir.

Count to three, good cop, bad cop.

-One, two-- -The President really must be going.

Thank you very much.

Can’t I stay and mingle a little longer, Bill?

-No, Mr. President. -Well, bye-bye.

Bye-bye, everybody. Good to see you. Got to go.

Good to see you. So long, angry young man.

-So long, little shaver man. -Bye.

Stay in school. Good to see you.

Polyp lady, I think I’ll miss you most of all.

Oh.

Well, so long, people. Good to see you.

Good to see you, you all.

Good to see you.

Persian Gulf.

Bye.

Announcer: Next onRoad to the White House,

Former Massachusetts Senator, Paul Saunders,

visits a sock factory outside Nashua.

Um, Chevy, it’s really great to have you back here again.

Oh, thanks, Gloria.

-It’s Victoria. -Whatever. Thank you.

man: Oh, great, thanks a lot. (sobbing)

What happened? Who was that?

That’s Tim.

Well, why is he crying?

Excuse me.

-Tim? -(sobbing)

Tim.

Tim, what’s wrong?

Nothing. Thanks, though, Mr. Chase.

Come on. Sit back, relax.

You know, Tim, when you share something with another person,

a bond is created.

We both worked on the show

and though, that’s not where the similarity ends.

(sobs)

So what’s wrong? Come on, it can’t be that bad.

Come on, you tell me, what is it, your family?

-No. -No.

-Is it you? Are you sick? -No.

-Someone you know sick? -No.

-Did you make someone sick? -No.

-Is it health-related? -No.

Hemorrhoids?

No.

Some type of, uh, discharge?

No.

You can tell me. I mean, did you kill someone?

I did. You can tell me.

-No. -No.

You don’t have hemorrhoids. You didn’t kill anyone.

Are you gay? That’s okay.

Do you like men? You want to have sex with me?

-No. -Are you sure?

Yes.

Not gay, not after me.

Did you rape someone?

-No. -Were you raped? You want to rape me?

-No. -Are you sure?

-I’m sure. -Didn’t rape.

Did an--Did an animal have sex with you?

-No. -No.

You want me to have sex with an animal or--

-No. -Are you sure? ’Cause I will.

-I mean, I’ve done it before. It’s not a problem. -No.

No, I’m fine, Mr. Chase. Really. Thank you, though.

All right, well, look, Tim,

I-I don’t know what could be wrong with you

but I want you to know I respect your privacy,

and if you ever want to talk to me, you can.

-Can I tell you something? It might make you feel better. -Sure. Sure.

This used to be my dressing room.

-Really? -Yep.

-Wow, that’s great. -Yeah.

Anyway, I remember one time,

I was depressed about my life and career,

I came in here and just sat down

and just started making up songs.

-(chuckles) -(chuckles)

Made me feel better. You want to hear one?

-No. -Are you sure? I could play one.

No, no. Thanks, though, Mr. Chase.

I think I get the point.

You came in here, you made up the songs,

and that’s what brought you out of your depression, right?

(chuckles) No, no, no.

I-I was signed to a mulching, multi-picture deal.

That’s what brought me out of it.

I realized I never had to look at these walls again.

-That was basically what brought me out of it. -Well, what’s the point?

There really is no point, Tim, no point at all to anything.

Don’t try to find an answer to life, okay?

’Cause in the end, we all die anyway,

and it’s usually slow and painful.

Feel better?

-No. -Well, I do.

Now get out there and do a good show.

I’m not in anything except for this.

Oh, oh.

Well, go get me a sandwich.

-Sure, Mr. Chase. -Thank you.

( singing )

-Hello, I’m Hal Kaufman. -And I’m Enrique Kaufman for Kaufman’s Big and Tall--

And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store.

We’d like to take this opportunity

to clear up a misconception about Kaufman’s Big and Tall...

And Short and Small--

Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store.

While some people think that Kaufman’s Big and Tall...

And Short and Small--

Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store

is only for big and tall...

-And short and small. -Sephardic Jews, they could be and they couldn’t be more wrong.

That’s right, Enrique.

We included Sephardic Jew in the name of our stores

as a point of ethnic pride

because we are in fact, Sephardic Jews.

But we’re running out of time,

the point is that Kaufman’s Big and Tall...

And Short and Small.

Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store, every man--

Announcer: That’s Kaufman’s Big and Tall

and Short and Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store.

Free gold Star of David Medallion

with every purchase.

Good night, Janie. I love you. Good night, everybody.