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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:04,704 Announcer: You are watchingCable 10, 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:07,440 Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel. 3 00:00:09,409 --> 00:00:11,911 * Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World * 4 00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:14,347 -* Party time. Excellent * -* Party time. Excellent * 5 00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:19,352 -All right. -(audience applauding) 6 00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:21,021 Welcome to Wayne’s World. 7 00:00:21,054 --> 00:00:22,922 Here’s your host, Wayne Campbell. 8 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,125 -Whoo! -Whoo! 9 00:00:25,158 --> 00:00:27,227 -Party! -Party! 10 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:29,963 -Whoo! -Party hardy. 11 00:00:29,996 --> 00:00:32,632 It’s Friday. It’s 10:30. It’s time to party. 12 00:00:32,665 --> 00:00:34,634 I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell. 13 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:35,902 Uh-huh. 14 00:00:35,935 --> 00:00:38,271 -With me, as always, is Garth. -Party on, Wayne. 15 00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:40,840 Party on, Garth. Okay. All right. 16 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,910 Well, 1991 is over, a lot’s happened. 17 00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:45,178 We won the Gulf War. 18 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,913 -Excellent. -Yeah. 19 00:00:46,946 --> 00:00:50,050 And the Bulls won the NBA Championship. 20 00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:51,284 -Excellent. -Yeah. Okay. 21 00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:53,186 The hostages were released. 22 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:56,356 Uh, the William Kennedy Smith trial. 23 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:58,591 -Hello? Hello? -(audience laughs) 24 00:00:58,625 --> 00:00:59,726 Okay. 25 00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,961 And Garth, if I’m not mistaken, 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,364 this is the year you finally got pubes. 27 00:01:04,397 --> 00:01:07,400 -(audience laughs) -Yeah. 28 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,270 My body is kind of slow but I got a lot of them now. 29 00:01:10,303 --> 00:01:12,339 All right. Good. Okay. 30 00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:14,641 But the most important thing about 1991 31 00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:15,742 is that it was the year 32 00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:18,445 that Communism fell on the Soviet Union 33 00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:20,347 which is great, I suppose, 34 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:22,749 but Garth and I are kind of bummed. 35 00:01:22,782 --> 00:01:24,184 -Yeah, it bites. -Truly. 36 00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,319 So now we’d like to do 37 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,388 the Top Ten Reasons Why We’re Bummed 38 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,091 that Communism Fell on the Soviet Union. 39 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,460 -* Wayne’s World Top Ten * -* Wayne’s World Top Ten * 40 00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,729 -* Reasons Why We’re Bummed * -* Reasons Why We’re Bummed * 41 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,664 -* Communism Fell * -* Communism Fell * 42 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,969 -Okay. All right. -(audience laughs) 43 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,904 Okay. Number 10. 44 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,973 -New maps. -(audience laughs) 45 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,408 I’m sorry. 46 00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,210 I’m just used to seeing the Soviet Union 47 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:52,879 being this big pink blob, you know? 48 00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:55,115 Now with all these new Republics, you know, 49 00:01:55,148 --> 00:01:58,018 the maps gonna be this ornate, multi-hued affair. 50 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,185 (audience laughs) 51 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:01,154 It’s gonna look like a plate of hurl. 52 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,456 -(audience laughs) -Okay. 53 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,691 -All right. -Okay. 54 00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,259 Number nine. 55 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,862 What’s gonna happen to Yakov Smirnoff? 56 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,231 (audience applause) 57 00:02:11,264 --> 00:02:14,567 His career is over. 58 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,804 Sorry. Toughsky crapsky, Yakov. 59 00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:21,074 Sorry. Okay. Number eight. 60 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:22,575 We’ll, we’ll never find out 61 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:25,445 -what that thing on Gorbachev’s head was? -(audience laughs) 62 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,148 -Hello? Hello? -Grape jam? What? 63 00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:30,817 -(indistinct chattering) -Okay, number seven. 64 00:02:30,850 --> 00:02:33,219 Reason why we’re bummed communism fell. 65 00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:37,090 Katarina Witt, you know, she just seems less exotic now. 66 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:39,659 Yeah, I know, when she was Eastern Bloc, 67 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:42,729 she had the taste of the forbidden fruit. 68 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,097 -Schwing. -Schwing. 69 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,465 -(audience applause) -What? 70 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,300 -All right. -(audience applause) 71 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,570 Now, now she’s just another cute chic in an ice show 72 00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,306 -with a tight skater’s butt. -(audience laughs) 73 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:57,377 But still, Garth, that butt knew no political ideology. 74 00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:58,445 -Tell it. -Okay. 75 00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:00,814 All right. Number six. 76 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,550 The fall of communism would deal a major blow 77 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,118 to the Trade Union Movement. 78 00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:06,619 Labor relations will revert 79 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:11,057 to Industrial Revolutionary Social Darwinism. 80 00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:14,527 -Okay. -(audience laughs) 81 00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,229 -Interesting. Okay. -Good one. 82 00:03:16,262 --> 00:03:17,897 Okay. Number five. 83 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,799 Are they gonna have to change the name of the song, 84 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,434 - Back in the U.S.S.R.? -(audience laughs) 85 00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:22,435 What? 86 00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,737 Is it gonna have to be, 87 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,372 * Back in the Commonwealth of Independent * 88 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,073 * Back in the Commonwealth of Independent * 89 00:03:27,073 --> 00:03:30,110 * Back in the Commonwealth of Independent states * 90 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:33,680 * Those "Uzbekian" girls really knock me out * 91 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:35,648 -Hello? Okay. -Anyone? 92 00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,450 Okay. Number four. 93 00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,686 Spy junk in the future is gonna suck. 94 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,087 -(audience laughs) -Yeah. 95 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,790 Who’s gonna-- Who’s James Bond gonna spy on? 96 00:03:43,823 --> 00:03:45,558 -The Guatemalans? -Yeah. 97 00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:46,760 -As if. -(audience laughs) 98 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:49,229 I know. Okay. All right. 99 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:51,097 Ten years from now, you’re not gonna able to see 100 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:53,433 those amazing shows on A&E 101 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,301 about elite Soviet commando units 102 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,137 who can kill people with their own hair. 103 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,506 -Yeah. I love A&E. -(audience laughs) 104 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,374 Yeah, it’s the World War II channel. 105 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:03,576 Okay. Number three. 106 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,512 Playboy won’t have any more girls 107 00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:08,081 -of the Soviet Union nations. -(audience laughs) 108 00:04:08,114 --> 00:04:10,417 Huh? Denied. 109 00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:12,385 Okay. Number two. 110 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,889 No more bogus Soviet Union rock bands to make fun of. 111 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:19,926 -(audience applause) -I mean... 112 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:24,064 Did you see Live Aid with that Soviet Union band, Autograph? 113 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:28,401 -Excuse me, a baking powder? -(audience laughs) 114 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,104 -I’d rather like them. Yet. -Yet. 115 00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:35,342 (audience applause) 116 00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:36,943 All right. Okay. 117 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:38,411 -All right. -All right. 118 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:42,082 And the number one reason why we’re bummed communism fell. 119 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,184 Well, we probably won’t be the first ones 120 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:45,985 to say on Russian television. 121 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:47,654 -Live from New York, -Live from New York, 122 00:04:47,687 --> 00:04:50,390 -it’s Saturday Night. -it’s Saturday Night. 123 00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:11,044 Announcer: It’sSaturday Night Live. 124 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,684 With Dana Carvey, 125 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:21,054 Chris Farley, 126 00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,655 Phil Hartman, 127 00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:25,859 Victoria Jackson, 128 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:28,762 Mike Myers, 129 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,965 Kevin Nealon, 130 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:34,501 Chris Rock, 131 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,237 Julia Sweeney, 132 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:41,374 with Ellen Cleghorne, 133 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,377 Siobhan Fallon, 134 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,180 Tim Meadows, 135 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,617 Adam Sandler, 136 00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:54,187 Rob Schneider, 137 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,123 David Spade. 138 00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,958 And featuring, 139 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,794 Beth Cahill, 140 00:06:00,827 --> 00:06:02,796 Melanie Hutsell, 141 00:06:02,829 --> 00:06:04,831 Robert Smigel, 142 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:08,535 G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band. 143 00:06:08,568 --> 00:06:12,839 Musical guest, Robbie Robertson. 144 00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:20,714 -And starring, Chevy Chase. -(audience applauding) 145 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,658 Announcer: You’ve found that one special someone, 146 00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:34,160 and you never want to be apart. 147 00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,628 You dine together, 148 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,732 you play together, 149 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,735 you sleep together, 150 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:46,806 you even bathe together. 151 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:53,246 So why not share the most intimate moment of them all? 152 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:57,984 -With the Love Toilet. -(audience applauding) 153 00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,853 Exquisitely designed, 154 00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:02,555 hand-crafted of the finest porcelain 155 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,858 with flushes handling and float bowl 156 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:09,396 imported from France, the nation of love. 157 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,598 - The Love Toilet. -(audience laughs) 158 00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:15,335 From Niagara, the toilet people. 159 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,337 Because when you’re in love, 160 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:21,741 even five minutes apart can seem like an eternity. 161 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,109 Announcer: The Love Toilet. 162 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,278 Available at all Bambergers, and other fine stores. 163 00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:30,250 (audience applauding) 164 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:47,067 Woman:Adopt-A-Pet is a non-profit organization 165 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,203 that tries to find homes for abandoned animals. 166 00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,175 Hi and welcome to Adopt-A-Pet. I’m Tom Hanes. 167 00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:56,810 And I’m Terry Hanes. 168 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,779 This week, we’ve got a few more abandoned pets 169 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,514 that could really use a good home. 170 00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:02,515 Let’s meet one of them. 171 00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,150 This guy over here is Sparky. 172 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,353 He’s a growler who loves to bark. 173 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,588 He’s full of energy, like a little spark plug, 174 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:10,557 that’s why we call him Sparky. 175 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,225 (chuckles) 176 00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:15,028 The best thing about Sparky is that he’s an early riser. 177 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,529 He’s up before the crack of dawn, 178 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:19,599 barking and yelping and whining and growling. 179 00:08:19,632 --> 00:08:22,402 He’s a very loud dog. 180 00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,803 So if you want to adopt Sparky, 181 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,272 just call the number on the bottom of your screen. 182 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,041 Now Sparky is not a city dog. 183 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:29,909 He’s a little nervous. He needs to run. 184 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,044 He loves to eat, 185 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:33,446 but he’s got a little trouble digesting. 186 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:34,914 I’d love to keep him, 187 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,816 but I don’t think he’s gonna get along with my other dogs. 188 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:37,917 He’s kind of a scrapper. 189 00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:40,587 So please call. Sparky’s waiting. 190 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,368 Well, while we’re waiting for the phone to ring for Sparky, 191 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,670 Terry, why don’t you tell us a little 192 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,271 about your second pet over there? 193 00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,140 Okay. Well, this is Fluffy. 194 00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:03,043 She’s an orange Calico, Isn’t she adorable? 195 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,911 (chuckles) Yeah, she is so cute. 196 00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,746 And if you have a lot of secondhand furniture, 197 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,548 then Fluffy is the cat for you. 198 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,018 She loves to scratch and bite and spit. 199 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:14,154 Fluffy’s not a children’s kind of cat. 200 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,157 Fluffy is more for someone who enjoys the unpredictable, 201 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,626 a good surprise. 202 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:26,466 Now if you want to adopt Fluffy, please call us. 203 00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:41,815 Fluffy doesn’t like litter boxes. 204 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,151 And if you’ll adopt Fluffy, 205 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,686 you’ll also get an extra added bonus. 206 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,787 Sit. 207 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,089 She’s pregnant. 208 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,390 Yeah, that’s right. 209 00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,360 Within a few weeks, 210 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,729 Fluffy will drop a litter of kittens somewhere in your house. 211 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,063 I’m sure she’ll make a great mother, 212 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,399 at least, until she goes into heat again. 213 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,301 So if you want to adopt Fluffy, 214 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:05,171 just call the number at the bottom of your screen. 215 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,641 You should also know that Sparky is still available. 216 00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:14,647 (phone rings) 217 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:15,815 Hey. 218 00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,685 -Hello, Adopt a Pet. -Yeah, Hi. 219 00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:21,955 Do you think Fluffy would make a good pet for my grandmother? 220 00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,289 I wouldn’t chance it. 221 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,258 Okay, thanks. 222 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,361 All right. 223 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,563 Our last pet today is really exotic. 224 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:31,731 That’s right. 225 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:35,535 Mr. Bonkers, and he’s a rhesus monkey. 226 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:38,905 -It’s really unusual to have a monkey for a pet. -That’s right. 227 00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,141 It’s even more unusual to have one with syphilis. 228 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:45,745 Unfortunately, 229 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,081 the syphilis is at a very pretty advanced stage, 230 00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:51,051 so Mr. Bonkers is visually impaired. 231 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,453 He’s probably also insane, 232 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,656 but in a monkey, that’s hard to know for sure. 233 00:10:56,690 --> 00:10:58,058 Either way, Mr. Bonkers is to make 234 00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,160 some lucky family a great pet. 235 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:02,395 Children can learn a lot from Mr. Bonkers 236 00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,664 because his anatomy is so like our own. 237 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,299 (chuckles) 238 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,501 He just loves to scamper about the house, 239 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,769 picking up whatever he can find, 240 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:10,770 throwing it against the wall. 241 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,906 His own excrement, for example. 242 00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:15,108 So if you want to adopt Mr. Bonkers, 243 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:17,143 just call the number on your screen. 244 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,978 Michael Jackson has a monkey. 245 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,680 Yeah, but his is better than ours. 246 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:23,717 Well, we’re out of time. 247 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,686 So join us tomorrow on Adopt a Petfor Reptile Day. 248 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,455 We got a really vicious snapping turtle 249 00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,391 and a lizard that can get out of anything. 250 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,859 -Good night. -Good night. 251 00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,928 Just wish we have more room. 252 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,674 Announcer: Due to a lack of interest, 253 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,744 the Super Bowl will be preempted in the Chicago area. 254 00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:53,446 Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare, 255 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:54,481 my friends. 256 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,386 Man: It’s time to test your knowledge against the best, 257 00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,856 onBob Swerski’s Quiz Masters. 258 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,959 Now here’s your host, Bob Swerski. 259 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:10,930 (audience applauding) 260 00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,401 Good afternoon. 261 00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,938 Gentlemen. 262 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,573 Good afternoon. 263 00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,743 Good afternoon, folks. 264 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:27,580 And welcome to Quiz Masters, live from Chicago, IL, 265 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:31,551 home to a certain team, which come January 1993, 266 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:35,355 will clasp in its burly hands a certain Super Bowl trophy, 267 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,258 a team which is known as Da Bears. 268 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,959 All: Da Bears. 269 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,428 (audience applauding) 270 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:42,996 Contestants, if you are ready, 271 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,931 let’s look at today’s categories. 272 00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:47,701 We have Bears, 273 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,570 Ditka, Bulls, 274 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,173 Famous Ditkas Through History, 275 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,508 Ditka-tionary, 276 00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,876 and Grab Bag. 277 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,645 Okay, we flipped the coin backstage, 278 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,080 and, Pat, you have control. 279 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,749 Let’s start with Bears for $100. 280 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:07,220 Certain Super Bowl Winner 1993-1998. 281 00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:08,388 -(buzzer buzzes) -Pat. 282 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,457 -Da Bears. -Da Bears is correct. 283 00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,258 Okay, try again. 284 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,061 Okay, I’ll try Bears for $200. 285 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:17,497 Bears versus Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat. 286 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:18,898 -(buzzer buzzes) -Todd. 287 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,734 -Da Bears. -Right again. 288 00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,403 Okay, Todd, you have control of the board. 289 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,972 Let’s go with the Bears for $300. 290 00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:27,207 In 1957, 291 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,209 Eisenhower said he’d like a foreign policy 292 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:31,344 like the defense of a certain team. 293 00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:38,852 (buzzer buzzes) 294 00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:42,122 Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was Da Bears. 295 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,224 Da Bears. 296 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,626 Okay, okay, before we continue, 297 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,762 let’s take a moment to meet our contestants. 298 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,697 -Todd, how you doing? -Not bad. 299 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:54,100 Okay, great. Okay. Let’s get back to the game. 300 00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:57,103 Okay, Todd, you still have control of the board. 301 00:13:57,137 --> 00:14:00,206 Uh, let me have Ditka for $100. 302 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,841 All right, Ditka’s Styling Mousse. 303 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:02,876 -(buzzer buzzes) -Carl. 304 00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:04,811 Nexxus Pro Formula-7000. 305 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,647 Carl, you are on the board. 306 00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,685 Let’s go over the Bulls, for $200, Bob. 307 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,853 For $200, What if the Bulls were-- 308 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,121 -(buzzer buzzes) -Todd. 309 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,357 Bulls, 142-61. 310 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,625 That is correct. 311 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,560 I’ll finish the question, however. 312 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,362 What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix, 313 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,265 and Jordan played the entire game in a "Lazyboy" recliner. 314 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:28,368 And the answer, Bulls 142, Phoenix 61. 315 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,736 Very good, Todd. 316 00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:34,207 -Let’s go back to Ditka for $200, Bob. -All right. 317 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,608 True or false. 318 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,345 Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood. 319 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,379 -(buzzer buzzes) -Pat. 320 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,181 -True. -It is true. 321 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,750 Okay, we got a good one going here right now. 322 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:46,086 But for those of you who had some money on the game, 323 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:48,521 let’s get a Super Bowl update from my daughter, 324 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,457 the lovely Denise. 325 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,859 Both teams look like garbage, Dad. 326 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,395 All I know is Da Bears could be kicking 327 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:57,731 some major butt right now. 328 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,400 All right, isn’t she lovely? Thank you, Denise. 329 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,536 Right now, let’s pause for this commercial. 330 00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,743 Great to have you back from your heart attack, Todd. 331 00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:13,546 Thanks. The doc’s got me on a special low-fat diet. 332 00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,148 I’m a new man. 333 00:15:15,181 --> 00:15:16,449 A special diet? 334 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:19,486 But, Todd, you got a plate full of Polish sausage. 335 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,155 (chuckles) No, I don’t, Pat. 336 00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,858 This is a Polish sausage substitute. 337 00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:26,526 That’s right. 338 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:30,330 It’s called "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage." 339 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:36,069 A polish sausage substitute? I could never eat that. 340 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:40,140 (chuckles) You’re eating it right now, my friend. 341 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,713 Man: "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Polish Sausage" from DITCO. 342 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,519 All right, welcome back. 343 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,387 Pat has control of the board. Pat? 344 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,724 -Let’s try Grab Bag for $100. -(bell dings) 345 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,159 Oh, Lightning Round. 346 00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:01,327 Okay, Pat, 3 questions, 10 seconds. 347 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,264 -Here we go, "Greatest movie of all time." -Da Bear. 348 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,132 "Greatest 19th Century Novelist". 349 00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:07,267 Flaubert. 350 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,269 "Tastiest Cheese available to Man". 351 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,037 -Camembert! -Good job, Pat! 352 00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:13,340 (Crowd cheering) (Applause) 353 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,214 That means it’s time for the Final Quiz Masters. 354 00:16:21,247 --> 00:16:22,749 Todd, you are still in the lead, 355 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:24,784 but this question is worth $500 point, 356 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:25,952 so anyone can win. 357 00:16:26,052 --> 00:16:27,454 First, let’s hear what our second 358 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,422 and third place winners will receive. 359 00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:33,093 Contestants will receive a gift certificate 360 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,462 from Yuremovic’s sports jackets and slacks. 361 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,065 "Yuremovic’s, hey, that’s a sharp looking sportcoat." 362 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,101 And a custom Bear paint job, 363 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,703 courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln, 364 00:16:43,737 --> 00:16:47,207 no more sloppy paint job, now it’s Vincent Van Bear. 365 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,209 Back to you, Bob. 366 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:50,577 All right, contestants, here we go. 367 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:56,149 The Final Quiz Masters question is, "Bears vs. Bulls." 368 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,550 Write in your answers now, gentlemen. 369 00:16:57,584 --> 00:17:01,621 (Music plays) 370 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,925 Da Bears versus Da Bulls. 371 00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,099 Okay, that was a tough one. 372 00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:15,201 Let’s see what our contestants said. First, Pat. 373 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:21,041 Looks like Pat ran out of time. Sorry, buddy. 374 00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:23,510 Okay, Carl, what do you have here? 375 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,613 Carl says the... 376 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,348 What do you say, Carl? 377 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,483 Well, what do you think it says? 378 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,453 That’s a nice try, Carl. That’s okay, that’s good. 379 00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,455 All right. Todd says, 380 00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,290 "The senseless waste of pitting these 381 00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,793 two mighty forces of nature against each other, 382 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,961 like matter vs. antimatter, 383 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:46,166 will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved... 384 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,600 ...but for our planet. 385 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,302 All nations must band together, 386 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:51,071 to ensure that such a conflagration 387 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,105 never takes place." 388 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,673 That is absolutely correct. 389 00:17:53,707 --> 00:17:54,774 Todd, you are the winner. 390 00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,344 (Crowd cheering) (Applause) 391 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,549 Todd, that was beautiful. That was beautiful. 392 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,651 Hey, don’t get all the blueberry on me, would you, guys? 393 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,821 All right. Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize, 394 00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:09,923 -five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. -All right. 395 00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,929 Here’s your bucket of cheese, Todd. 396 00:18:16,029 --> 00:18:17,864 Get on in there, we’re all proud of you, buddy. 397 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:22,235 Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. 398 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,636 And there they go. 399 00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:35,715 Very good, Todd. What a lucky man, folks. 400 00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:37,751 Okay, the Super Bowl’s still going on, 401 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,719 so stay tuned for a special presentation 402 00:18:39,753 --> 00:18:40,854 of "The Blues Brothers". 403 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,722 Good night, everybody. 404 00:18:42,756 --> 00:18:46,092 (Crowd cheering) (Applause) 405 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,410 We’re the court appointed attorneys for Jeffrey Dahmer. 406 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,512 (Crowd laughing) 407 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:15,021 Michael, Allen, thanks for coming. 408 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,724 Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about? 409 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:21,227 Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury 410 00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,862 that I’m insane. 411 00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,699 (Crowd laughing) 412 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,934 Is that really a concern, Jeff? 413 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,036 I think in that area, we’re doing pretty well. 414 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,638 (Crowd laughing) 415 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:34,074 Yes, we are confident 416 00:19:34,107 --> 00:19:35,241 that the jury is going to find you insane. 417 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,777 Well, that’s easy for you to say, 418 00:19:37,811 --> 00:19:39,412 it’s my ass they’re gonna fry. 419 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:42,415 Well, we just feel that the cannibalism 420 00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:44,417 together with a box of bones 421 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,053 will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of... 422 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,855 I’m glad you guys are so confident. 423 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,123 I’m not so sure. 424 00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:53,226 All right, let’s stay focused. 425 00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:55,195 Our problem is we’ve got three days 426 00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,298 to get that jury to believe I’m out of my mind. 427 00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,667 Jeff, we’ve got a psychiatrist 428 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,103 from Northeastern University in Boston 429 00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,271 who has agreed to testify. 430 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,239 Okay, here’s my plan. 431 00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:11,578 I go in there money on Monday, or money... 432 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,980 (Crowd laughing) 433 00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:15,715 looking really depressed like this. 434 00:20:19,753 --> 00:20:21,821 Then I start talking to myself in an imaginary lingo, 435 00:20:21,855 --> 00:20:24,624 like De Niro did in that sitcom, "Taxi". 436 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:25,792 (Crowd laughing) 437 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,394 You talking to me? You talking to me? 438 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,661 What’s the matter? You talking to me? 439 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,764 You talking to me? Hey, who you talking to, me? 440 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:33,500 (Crowd laughing) 441 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:37,003 Then on the way back to the holding area, 442 00:20:37,037 --> 00:20:39,239 I let out a little bark and yell like this... 443 00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:42,175 (barks like a dog) 444 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:45,578 Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please. 445 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:53,153 Jeff, if you’ll forgive me, 446 00:20:53,186 --> 00:20:55,889 I think you’ve been over thinking this. (Crowd laughing) 447 00:20:55,922 --> 00:21:00,160 My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, 448 00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:02,262 relax, and just be yourself. 449 00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,364 (Crowd laughing) 450 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:08,368 -And if you’re found insane... -If I’m found insane... 451 00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:11,137 you will be committed to a mental institution. 452 00:21:11,171 --> 00:21:13,473 After a year, you can petition for your release. 453 00:21:13,506 --> 00:21:15,775 Um-hmm. (Crowd laughing) 454 00:21:20,814 --> 00:21:22,248 Let me see if I understand where you’re going with this. 455 00:21:22,282 --> 00:21:24,150 Oh, my God. 456 00:21:24,184 --> 00:21:26,086 You’re both pretty confident I’ll be found insane, 457 00:21:26,086 --> 00:21:28,588 -is that correct? -Guard! Guard! 458 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:34,461 I spend a year in a nuthouse then I can petition to leave. 459 00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,996 I mean, it’s just that easy. No problem for me. 460 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:42,002 Jeff, what are we gonna have to do with you? 461 00:21:42,102 --> 00:21:43,570 What do you mean? 462 00:21:43,603 --> 00:21:46,573 By the way, that reporter from "A Current Affair" 463 00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,575 is here to see you. 464 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,909 -Today? -Yeah. 465 00:21:49,943 --> 00:21:51,344 Well, okay send him in. 466 00:21:51,378 --> 00:21:56,449 (Crowd cheering) (Applause) 467 00:22:03,456 --> 00:22:08,428 Announcer:Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon. 468 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:13,400 (audience applauding) 469 00:22:26,312 --> 00:22:28,882 You, uh-- What are you wearing? 470 00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:32,118 I mean, is it, uh, sexy? Is it ribbed? 471 00:22:32,152 --> 00:22:33,353 Is it what? 472 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:35,822 Well, it’s a slinky little see-through I-- 473 00:22:35,855 --> 00:22:37,157 (audience laughing) 474 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,659 -Spiky, yes. -I bet you look-- Oh! 475 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:46,766 Good evening. I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an American car owner. 476 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:49,102 Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not. 477 00:22:49,102 --> 00:22:50,103 And-- 478 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:52,939 (audience cheering) 479 00:22:55,642 --> 00:22:57,243 And I own a Beemer. 480 00:22:57,277 --> 00:22:59,846 (audience laughing) 481 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,481 Our top story of the night. 482 00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:04,918 Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. 483 00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:07,320 (audience cheering) 484 00:23:09,289 --> 00:23:10,924 In other news, the U.S. Post Office Department 485 00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:12,058 today has issued a new stamp 486 00:23:12,092 --> 00:23:14,094 honoring, of all things, prostitution in America. 487 00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:16,162 It’s a 30-cent stamp but if you want to lick it, 488 00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:17,330 it’s a dollar. 489 00:23:17,364 --> 00:23:20,767 (audience laughing) 490 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,436 General Ford has revealed his new campaign slogan, 491 00:23:23,470 --> 00:23:26,172 "If he’s so dumb, how come he’s president?" 492 00:23:26,206 --> 00:23:27,841 -Excuse me, Chevy. -Yeah. 493 00:23:27,874 --> 00:23:29,242 -Uh-- -What’s the problem? 494 00:23:29,275 --> 00:23:34,147 Well, I--I think the problem is that, well, 495 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:35,982 you’re still living in the ’70s. 496 00:23:36,082 --> 00:23:37,484 That, uh-- 497 00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:39,252 Listen, why don’t you take a break? 498 00:23:39,285 --> 00:23:42,288 Get your notes together, update some more stories and-- 499 00:23:42,322 --> 00:23:45,692 Okay, maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re right. I’m sorry. 500 00:23:45,725 --> 00:23:47,861 Chevy Chase will be joining us later on 501 00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:51,431 for some updated stories hopefully. 502 00:23:51,464 --> 00:23:53,533 Following President Bush’s visit to Japan last week, 503 00:23:53,566 --> 00:23:56,302 a trained monkey has been appearing on Japanese television 504 00:23:56,336 --> 00:23:57,470 and making fun of the president 505 00:23:57,504 --> 00:24:00,507 by keeling over and collapsing on a table. 506 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:03,143 The White House is obviously very upset by this portrayal. 507 00:24:03,176 --> 00:24:04,511 Although to the monkey’s credit, 508 00:24:04,544 --> 00:24:06,880 he did manage to secure more successful trade agreement 509 00:24:06,913 --> 00:24:07,914 for the U.S. 510 00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:10,750 (audience laughing) 511 00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:12,318 Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton 512 00:24:12,352 --> 00:24:14,387 denied allegations of sexual impropriety 513 00:24:14,421 --> 00:24:17,057 by announcing that he is no Gary Hart. 514 00:24:17,057 --> 00:24:19,559 Elizabeth Ward, the former Miss America linked to Clinton 515 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,961 agreed with the Governor saying, "I knew Gary Hart. 516 00:24:22,062 --> 00:24:23,163 I slept with Gary Hart. 517 00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:24,798 And you’re right. You are no Gary Hart." 518 00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:26,766 (audience laughing) 519 00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:31,071 Well, after three months of campaigning, 520 00:24:31,071 --> 00:24:32,772 Democratic candidate Paul Tsongas 521 00:24:32,806 --> 00:24:34,074 has told the American public 522 00:24:34,074 --> 00:24:36,676 that the T in his name is a typographical error. 523 00:24:36,710 --> 00:24:39,546 (audience laughing) 524 00:24:39,579 --> 00:24:41,981 A gloating President Bush told New Hampshire voters today 525 00:24:42,082 --> 00:24:43,983 that his "no new tax pledge" finally applies 526 00:24:44,084 --> 00:24:46,119 since people are unemployed on making no new money. 527 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:48,088 (audience laughs) 528 00:24:48,088 --> 00:24:49,322 Political observers are divided 529 00:24:49,356 --> 00:24:51,091 on whether it was a good omen on New Hampshire 530 00:24:51,091 --> 00:24:52,492 when Bush’s campaign kick-off dinner 531 00:24:52,525 --> 00:24:54,728 was held at a Benihana. 532 00:24:54,761 --> 00:24:58,098 (audience laughing) 533 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,200 And President Bush has denied saying this week 534 00:25:00,233 --> 00:25:01,901 that the economy is in a free fall. 535 00:25:01,935 --> 00:25:04,604 "They would be-- that would be irresponsible," commented Bush. 536 00:25:04,637 --> 00:25:07,040 "What I said was the economy is a free for all. 537 00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:08,808 My advice is to grab whatever you can now 538 00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:10,543 before it all just falls apart." 539 00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:12,812 (audience laughs) 540 00:25:12,846 --> 00:25:14,214 All right. 541 00:25:15,648 --> 00:25:17,350 In an interview with David Frost last week, 542 00:25:17,384 --> 00:25:18,551 President Bush said, quote, 543 00:25:18,585 --> 00:25:20,220 "I will do anything to get re-elected." 544 00:25:20,253 --> 00:25:21,321 Bush then left the set 545 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:23,189 and reappeared in a Catwoman costume. 546 00:25:23,223 --> 00:25:25,525 (audience laughing) 547 00:25:27,494 --> 00:25:28,895 Five thousand Russian citizens 548 00:25:28,928 --> 00:25:30,263 took to the streets of Moscow Sunday 549 00:25:30,296 --> 00:25:32,499 protesting Boris Yeltsin’s economic reforms 550 00:25:32,532 --> 00:25:34,234 and demanding return to communism. 551 00:25:34,267 --> 00:25:36,569 Since most people in the crowd were Communists themselves, 552 00:25:36,603 --> 00:25:38,071 they immediately rounded themselves up 553 00:25:38,071 --> 00:25:39,072 and threw themselves in jail 554 00:25:39,105 --> 00:25:40,407 for demonstrating against the state. 555 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,609 (audience laughing) 556 00:25:42,642 --> 00:25:44,678 Not only is Boris Yeltsin the president 557 00:25:44,711 --> 00:25:47,180 of the Russian Hair Club but he is also a client. 558 00:25:47,213 --> 00:25:49,416 (audience laughing) 559 00:25:52,652 --> 00:25:54,287 A group of California death row inmates 560 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,890 have sued the state for refusing to let them pass on their genes 561 00:25:56,923 --> 00:25:58,391 either through artificial insemination 562 00:25:58,425 --> 00:26:00,193 or visits from their spouses. 563 00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,462 The inmates took up the cause after another low turnout 564 00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:04,664 at the Annual Death Row Father-Son picnic. 565 00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,633 (audience laughing) 566 00:26:08,335 --> 00:26:10,236 Well, a recent ruling in New York 567 00:26:10,270 --> 00:26:13,139 now allows people to make love in a parked car. 568 00:26:13,173 --> 00:26:16,042 But you are still not allowed to make love to a parked car. 569 00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:17,544 (audience laughing) 570 00:26:17,577 --> 00:26:19,245 This Monday, America celebrates 571 00:26:19,279 --> 00:26:21,948 what would have been Martin Luther King’s 63rd birthday. 572 00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:23,416 Most people will have the day-off 573 00:26:23,450 --> 00:26:24,718 except the citizens of Arizona 574 00:26:24,751 --> 00:26:26,386 who voted against the King holiday. 575 00:26:26,419 --> 00:26:29,189 More on this from SNL news correspondent Chris Rock. 576 00:26:29,222 --> 00:26:32,892 -Chris? -(audience cheering) 577 00:26:34,294 --> 00:26:35,862 Thank you, Kevin. 578 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:36,863 Thanks a lot now. 579 00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:38,064 There’s been a lot of talk 580 00:26:38,064 --> 00:26:40,467 about the people of Arizona being racists 581 00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:42,869 so I went to see for myself. 582 00:26:42,902 --> 00:26:44,170 I went to Arizona 583 00:26:44,204 --> 00:26:46,373 and I’m walking through the streets of Tucson, 584 00:26:46,406 --> 00:26:48,708 pushing my little baby brother in a stroller 585 00:26:48,742 --> 00:26:50,944 when a white woman comes up to the baby, smiles, 586 00:26:50,977 --> 00:26:54,247 and says, "Boy, what a pretty niglet." 587 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,850 Now if you don’t like black people, that’s one thing. 588 00:26:56,883 --> 00:26:58,218 But what I can’t understand 589 00:26:58,251 --> 00:27:01,621 is why people in a hot-ass desert town like Tucson, Arizona 590 00:27:01,654 --> 00:27:03,156 wouldn’t want a day off work. 591 00:27:03,189 --> 00:27:04,491 It’s not like you have to do something black 592 00:27:04,524 --> 00:27:06,026 on that day, you know? 593 00:27:06,059 --> 00:27:07,761 You don’t have to read Ebonymagazine. 594 00:27:07,794 --> 00:27:09,129 You don’t have to watch Soul Train. 595 00:27:09,162 --> 00:27:11,331 All you have to do is not work. 596 00:27:11,364 --> 00:27:13,333 (audience laughing) 597 00:27:13,366 --> 00:27:15,201 Now if this was an Elvis holiday, 598 00:27:15,235 --> 00:27:16,403 they’d--they’d take that off. 599 00:27:16,436 --> 00:27:18,038 Boy, it would be like another Christmas. 600 00:27:18,038 --> 00:27:20,674 You’d see, like, big, fat white guys coming down chimneys 601 00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:25,078 with Elvis jumpsuits on, giving out Quaaludes. 602 00:27:25,111 --> 00:27:27,313 (audience cheering) 603 00:27:27,347 --> 00:27:30,884 Now everybody doesn’t get Martin Luther King’s birthday off. 604 00:27:30,917 --> 00:27:34,054 Even in states that celebrate, some people still have to work. 605 00:27:34,054 --> 00:27:35,889 Now one group of people that never has to work 606 00:27:35,922 --> 00:27:38,124 is prisoners, criminals, that’s right. 607 00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:40,326 Every criminal in every jail gets the day off work 608 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,328 which means even James Earl Ray, 609 00:27:42,362 --> 00:27:46,099 the man that killed Martin Luther King gets the day off. 610 00:27:46,132 --> 00:27:47,767 Now he’s so crazy, he’s probably walking around in prison 611 00:27:47,801 --> 00:27:49,469 going, you know, "Everybody’s off today 612 00:27:49,502 --> 00:27:51,471 and nobody even bothered to thank me." 613 00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,406 (audience laughing) 614 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,976 Now what Arizona needs to do, what Arizona needs to do 615 00:27:57,077 --> 00:27:59,612 is give Dr. King somebody else’s holiday 616 00:27:59,646 --> 00:28:01,915 ’cause there’s so many holidays they celebrate every year 617 00:28:02,015 --> 00:28:03,149 that mean nothing. 618 00:28:03,183 --> 00:28:06,052 Like Columbus Day. Nobody celebrates Columbus Day. 619 00:28:06,086 --> 00:28:08,455 Nobody puts, like, three ships in their front yard. 620 00:28:08,488 --> 00:28:10,023 (audience laughing) 621 00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:12,525 First of all, Columbus discovered the West Indies. 622 00:28:12,559 --> 00:28:14,627 Second of all, the land he discovered had occupants on it. 623 00:28:14,661 --> 00:28:15,829 You know, that’s kind of like 624 00:28:15,862 --> 00:28:17,497 discovering somebody else’s backyard, yeah. 625 00:28:17,530 --> 00:28:18,498 (audience laughing) 626 00:28:18,531 --> 00:28:19,766 So when you think about real hard, 627 00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:23,169 all Columbus did was to discover a West Indian backyard. 628 00:28:23,203 --> 00:28:24,571 He got there with his little flag. 629 00:28:24,604 --> 00:28:27,040 He’s like, "Hey, I claim this land for Spain." 630 00:28:27,073 --> 00:28:28,274 And the West Indian guy is, like, 631 00:28:28,308 --> 00:28:31,277 "Hey, man, get your damn flag out my yard now. 632 00:28:31,311 --> 00:28:32,612 Move it now." 633 00:28:32,645 --> 00:28:35,048 So Arizona, get your act together and hail the King. 634 00:28:35,048 --> 00:28:36,049 Thanks a lot, Kevin. 635 00:28:36,049 --> 00:28:37,784 Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. 636 00:28:37,817 --> 00:28:40,553 (audience cheering) 637 00:28:48,061 --> 00:28:50,563 In a surprise move this week, baseball great Pete Rose 638 00:28:50,597 --> 00:28:53,433 was inducted into the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. 639 00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:54,901 Said Pete Rose, "It makes sense 640 00:28:54,934 --> 00:28:58,171 I’ve never been on a rock n roll band." 641 00:28:58,204 --> 00:29:00,173 This week, Juice, a movie about black youths 642 00:29:00,206 --> 00:29:01,608 involving violence opened. 643 00:29:01,641 --> 00:29:03,476 Oddly enough, there were fights at some theaters 644 00:29:03,510 --> 00:29:05,612 mainly between black gang members and Hasidim, 645 00:29:05,645 --> 00:29:07,881 who had thought the movie was entitled "Jews." 646 00:29:07,914 --> 00:29:12,419 (audience laughing) 647 00:29:12,452 --> 00:29:14,487 Over the past several months, more people than ever 648 00:29:14,521 --> 00:29:16,156 have been practicing safe sex. 649 00:29:16,189 --> 00:29:17,557 Although now many couples 650 00:29:17,590 --> 00:29:21,428 have been reporting allergic reactions to latex condoms. 651 00:29:21,461 --> 00:29:23,029 You know, that’s-- It’s kind of funny 652 00:29:23,029 --> 00:29:26,066 ’cause all this time I thought I was just allergic to the cat 653 00:29:26,099 --> 00:29:27,767 but no, I guess not. 654 00:29:27,801 --> 00:29:30,036 (audience laughing) 655 00:29:31,905 --> 00:29:34,107 In an experiment to see how long they could survive, 656 00:29:34,140 --> 00:29:35,842 two California condors were released 657 00:29:35,875 --> 00:29:37,744 from a captive breeding program this week 658 00:29:37,777 --> 00:29:39,646 and tonight probably flew off into the wilds 659 00:29:39,679 --> 00:29:42,082 of Los Padres National Forest in California. 660 00:29:42,115 --> 00:29:43,850 Within 10 minutes, the endangered species 661 00:29:43,883 --> 00:29:45,285 were blown out of the sky 662 00:29:45,318 --> 00:29:47,954 and scattered about the forest floor by two fun-loving hunters. 663 00:29:48,054 --> 00:29:49,422 (audience laughing) 664 00:29:50,790 --> 00:29:52,926 Scientists now say that current global warming trends 665 00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:55,762 could actually lead to a new Ice Age within 10,000 years. 666 00:29:55,795 --> 00:29:57,430 Unfortunately, economic analyst project that 667 00:29:57,464 --> 00:29:59,899 by that time we’ll just be coming out of a recession 668 00:30:00,066 --> 00:30:04,170 so folks ought to be able to afford some warm clothes. 669 00:30:04,204 --> 00:30:05,572 Here now with the brief history of breast implants 670 00:30:05,605 --> 00:30:06,773 and their problems, 671 00:30:06,806 --> 00:30:08,108 it’s Weekend Update’s Chevy Chase. 672 00:30:08,141 --> 00:30:12,679 -Chevy? -(audience cheering) 673 00:30:14,848 --> 00:30:17,050 Kevin, in order to understand the current problem 674 00:30:17,083 --> 00:30:19,953 associated with the silicone gel breast implants, 675 00:30:19,986 --> 00:30:23,156 we must first look at the history of breast implants. 676 00:30:23,189 --> 00:30:25,458 The very first one worn by George Washington’s wife 677 00:30:25,492 --> 00:30:28,028 was made of a crude leather sac filled of wood. 678 00:30:28,061 --> 00:30:29,396 (audience laughing) 679 00:30:29,429 --> 00:30:30,630 In the early 1960’s, 680 00:30:30,663 --> 00:30:32,499 the much-improved breast implants 681 00:30:32,532 --> 00:30:35,535 were plastic envelopes or sacs filled with air. 682 00:30:35,568 --> 00:30:37,537 Some sacs even contained helium, 683 00:30:37,570 --> 00:30:40,340 but presented a problem for some of the lighter recipients. 684 00:30:40,373 --> 00:30:41,641 (audience laughing) 685 00:30:41,675 --> 00:30:45,011 In 1965, the sacs were filled with Silly Putty 686 00:30:45,045 --> 00:30:46,946 which had its own problems. 687 00:30:46,980 --> 00:30:48,982 On occasions, the sac would shatter 688 00:30:49,015 --> 00:30:51,651 or the woman’s breast would bounce out of control. 689 00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:53,286 (audience laughing) 690 00:30:53,319 --> 00:30:56,089 On some occasions, a woman falling asleep reading newspaper 691 00:30:56,122 --> 00:30:58,625 wake up to find Peanuts or Beetle Bailey 692 00:30:58,658 --> 00:31:00,860 printed on the breasts. 693 00:31:00,894 --> 00:31:04,064 (audience laughing) 694 00:31:04,097 --> 00:31:06,366 The early ’70s brought us breast implants 695 00:31:06,399 --> 00:31:08,501 filled with Jell-O and other dessert products, 696 00:31:08,535 --> 00:31:10,770 which led to the incidents of man eating the breasts. 697 00:31:10,804 --> 00:31:12,539 (audience laughs) 698 00:31:12,572 --> 00:31:14,874 The popular alternative was the coffee implant 699 00:31:14,908 --> 00:31:16,810 which kept the breasts up all day. 700 00:31:16,843 --> 00:31:18,511 (audience laughing) 701 00:31:18,545 --> 00:31:20,347 Two of the more successful, 702 00:31:20,380 --> 00:31:22,515 or rather unsuccessful transplant ideas 703 00:31:22,549 --> 00:31:25,085 were actually using breast implant sacs 704 00:31:25,085 --> 00:31:27,754 containing Slinkys for the older women natural look 705 00:31:27,787 --> 00:31:31,091 and the use of chewed-up bubble gum for nipple replacements. 706 00:31:31,091 --> 00:31:35,795 Of course, the latest, the ribbed, uh, no-- 707 00:31:35,829 --> 00:31:37,530 I’m sorry, wait a minute here. 708 00:31:37,564 --> 00:31:39,566 Let me get this here. 709 00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:41,601 Oh, yes, the controversial silicone gel 710 00:31:41,634 --> 00:31:43,470 and the saline alternative. 711 00:31:43,503 --> 00:31:44,871 Now we know the problems of silicone 712 00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:45,972 but what most people don’t know 713 00:31:46,006 --> 00:31:49,109 about the alternative saline implants 714 00:31:49,142 --> 00:31:50,977 is after a while the salty filler 715 00:31:51,011 --> 00:31:53,213 causes your gums and lips to start bleeding. 716 00:31:55,849 --> 00:31:59,552 As far as the safety and durability, 717 00:31:59,586 --> 00:32:01,054 I see no problem. 718 00:32:01,087 --> 00:32:03,490 We strapped a crash-test dummy 719 00:32:03,523 --> 00:32:06,126 suited with a bra and implants and rammed her into me. 720 00:32:06,159 --> 00:32:07,360 And there was no problem. 721 00:32:07,394 --> 00:32:08,495 The main thing, of course, 722 00:32:08,528 --> 00:32:10,630 is that they look and-and feel natural. 723 00:32:10,663 --> 00:32:11,865 That’s right. Thank you, Chevy. 724 00:32:11,898 --> 00:32:12,832 Thank me. 725 00:32:20,540 --> 00:32:22,242 Well, the Supreme Court heard arguments, Monday 726 00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:24,744 on the issue whether the tobacco industry should be liable 727 00:32:24,778 --> 00:32:25,945 for smokers’ deaths. 728 00:32:25,979 --> 00:32:27,414 The deciding vote in this case 729 00:32:27,447 --> 00:32:30,150 could actually be cast by Justice Clarence Thomas, 730 00:32:30,183 --> 00:32:31,718 who not only smoke cigars himself, 731 00:32:31,751 --> 00:32:32,852 but is also known 732 00:32:32,886 --> 00:32:34,354 to occasionally brag about their length. 733 00:32:39,292 --> 00:32:40,593 I’m sorry, this just coming. 734 00:32:40,627 --> 00:32:42,829 Ladies and gentlemen, we have just received a report 735 00:32:42,862 --> 00:32:43,997 that Arkansas’s Bill Clinton 736 00:32:44,097 --> 00:32:45,932 is now leading in the New Hampshire primaries. 737 00:32:45,965 --> 00:32:47,701 More on that as it develops. 738 00:32:49,302 --> 00:32:52,872 I may not know as much about primaries or politics, 739 00:32:52,906 --> 00:32:54,140 as say, Chevy, 740 00:32:54,174 --> 00:32:57,410 but when they have the elections in New Hampshire, 741 00:32:57,444 --> 00:32:59,813 February, uh-- 742 00:32:59,846 --> 00:33:01,715 -18th. -18th. 743 00:33:01,748 --> 00:33:04,250 Then we’ll see who the real frontrunner is. 744 00:33:04,284 --> 00:33:05,251 That’s what I believe. 745 00:33:05,285 --> 00:33:07,253 Because in my opinion, uh... 746 00:33:07,287 --> 00:33:09,622 you really can’t believe all those-- 747 00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:10,957 -Pollsters. -Pollsters. 748 00:33:12,425 --> 00:33:13,893 Besides, a lot of the frontrunners 749 00:33:13,927 --> 00:33:15,128 are-are leading in the primaries, 750 00:33:15,161 --> 00:33:17,464 because they have, who knows what, 751 00:33:17,497 --> 00:33:19,232 besides an amazing amount of funding 752 00:33:19,265 --> 00:33:21,835 from-from these big, you know, uh-- 753 00:33:21,868 --> 00:33:23,236 -Hookers. -Hookers. 754 00:33:25,772 --> 00:33:27,273 And for good reason, when I say, "Hooker," 755 00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:30,110 I’m speaking figuratively about your, uh-- 756 00:33:30,143 --> 00:33:31,077 -Mother. -Mother. 757 00:33:32,445 --> 00:33:34,280 And-and other family members. 758 00:33:34,314 --> 00:33:36,449 Because it is you, as a family, 759 00:33:36,483 --> 00:33:37,550 that pay taxes. 760 00:33:37,584 --> 00:33:39,753 And it is you that is getting screwed. 761 00:33:39,786 --> 00:33:42,155 I mean, don’t misunderstand me by any means. 762 00:33:42,188 --> 00:33:45,125 I mean, I’m a big believer in, uh-- 763 00:33:45,158 --> 00:33:48,128 -Colostomy bags. -Colostomy bags. 764 00:33:48,161 --> 00:33:49,696 I mean, if you got to have them, you got to have them. 765 00:33:49,729 --> 00:33:50,764 That’s the system. 766 00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:56,369 -So I, uh-- -So I, uh, uh... 767 00:33:56,403 --> 00:33:58,505 I guess that-that from watching 768 00:33:58,538 --> 00:34:00,240 all the candidates and their speeches, 769 00:34:00,273 --> 00:34:03,243 I-I’ve developed a real, uh-- 770 00:34:03,276 --> 00:34:06,279 -Pus-filled infection. -Pus-filled infection, uh... 771 00:34:06,312 --> 00:34:07,847 that should have immediate attention. 772 00:34:07,881 --> 00:34:09,649 An infection not unlike what we’re experiencing 773 00:34:09,683 --> 00:34:12,852 right here, in-in, uh, in, uh-- 774 00:34:12,886 --> 00:34:13,887 New Jersey. 775 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:15,822 Look, let me-let me handle this, okay? 776 00:34:15,855 --> 00:34:17,891 I think I know what I’m talking about here. 777 00:34:17,924 --> 00:34:19,059 Thanks anyway. 778 00:34:19,092 --> 00:34:21,261 I don’t-I don’t think I need any, uh-- 779 00:34:21,294 --> 00:34:22,395 -Help. -Help. 780 00:34:24,330 --> 00:34:25,532 Not unlike what we’re experiencing 781 00:34:25,565 --> 00:34:27,067 right here in New Jersey. 782 00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:31,071 And let me just say that the hard part is the candidates. 783 00:34:31,071 --> 00:34:32,639 They’re all very similar. 784 00:34:32,672 --> 00:34:33,840 As far as I’m concerned, 785 00:34:33,873 --> 00:34:36,242 it’s like choosing between apples and, uh-- 786 00:34:36,276 --> 00:34:37,210 -Nipples. -Nipples. 787 00:34:38,478 --> 00:34:39,679 They’re both red. 788 00:34:39,713 --> 00:34:40,914 They’re both quite obviously different. 789 00:34:40,947 --> 00:34:42,482 So when you go to the voting booth this year, 790 00:34:42,515 --> 00:34:43,483 remember to-- 791 00:34:43,516 --> 00:34:44,517 -Floss. -Floss. 792 00:34:44,551 --> 00:34:45,618 Flossing will protect you 793 00:34:45,652 --> 00:34:47,354 from the bacteria in the political system. 794 00:34:47,387 --> 00:34:48,388 And if you’d ask me, 795 00:34:48,421 --> 00:34:50,256 I’d say that probably Jerry Brown 796 00:34:50,290 --> 00:34:51,658 would probably make the best-- 797 00:34:51,691 --> 00:34:53,626 -Cross-dresser. -Cross-dresser. 798 00:34:54,694 --> 00:34:55,762 And on that note, 799 00:34:55,795 --> 00:34:58,098 I guess that just about wraps up my, uh-- 800 00:34:58,098 --> 00:34:59,599 -Career. -Career. 801 00:34:59,632 --> 00:35:01,868 I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me. 802 00:35:16,082 --> 00:35:18,284 Man: C-SPAN continues its coverage 803 00:35:18,318 --> 00:35:21,154 of the 1992 presidential campaign 804 00:35:21,187 --> 00:35:24,190 withRoad to the White House. 805 00:35:24,224 --> 00:35:27,761 On Wednesday, President Bush visited Daniel’s coffee shop 806 00:35:27,794 --> 00:35:29,629 in Henniker, New Hampshire. 807 00:35:29,662 --> 00:35:31,364 Our C-SPAN camera, 808 00:35:31,398 --> 00:35:33,733 the only camera we have, was there. 809 00:35:33,767 --> 00:35:35,835 As was our microphone. 810 00:35:44,577 --> 00:35:47,914 How are you? Good to see you. 811 00:35:47,947 --> 00:35:49,749 Good to see you, little shaver. 812 00:35:49,783 --> 00:35:52,352 How are you? Good to see you. 813 00:35:52,385 --> 00:35:54,788 Good to see you fine people. How are you? 814 00:35:54,821 --> 00:35:55,789 Persian Gulf. 815 00:35:55,822 --> 00:35:57,557 How are you? Good to see you. 816 00:35:57,590 --> 00:35:58,658 Persian Gulf. 817 00:35:58,692 --> 00:36:01,561 The aroma of fresh brewed coffee in here. 818 00:36:01,594 --> 00:36:02,729 Like what I’m seeing. 819 00:36:02,762 --> 00:36:05,398 Baked goods over in that area over there. 820 00:36:05,432 --> 00:36:07,067 (chuckles) 821 00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:08,802 Dollars being exchanged. 822 00:36:08,835 --> 00:36:11,371 The greatest diner I have ever seen. 823 00:36:11,404 --> 00:36:12,539 (chuckles) 824 00:36:12,572 --> 00:36:14,207 What’s the name of this place again, Bill? 825 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:15,208 Daniel’s Diner, sir. 826 00:36:15,241 --> 00:36:16,643 Daniel. Daniel’s diner. 827 00:36:16,676 --> 00:36:19,612 I’d love to meet this Daniel. 828 00:36:19,646 --> 00:36:21,715 Well, sir, Daniel is, uh-- 829 00:36:21,748 --> 00:36:22,716 Daniel is dead, sir. 830 00:36:22,749 --> 00:36:24,117 Yeah? 831 00:36:24,150 --> 00:36:26,419 Suicide. Evidently business hasn’t been that good. 832 00:36:26,453 --> 00:36:28,888 Actually, I think the large turnout 833 00:36:28,922 --> 00:36:30,757 is largely because of your being here. 834 00:36:30,790 --> 00:36:32,892 Daniel is very popular in the community, 835 00:36:32,926 --> 00:36:36,096 and there seems to be a lot of, well, bad feelings. 836 00:36:36,129 --> 00:36:37,163 Uh-huh. 837 00:36:37,197 --> 00:36:39,265 Anyway, this is Mrs. Daniel. 838 00:36:39,299 --> 00:36:41,634 Dear lady, dear lady, good to see you. 839 00:36:41,668 --> 00:36:44,738 You know, interest rates are the lowest in 30 years. 840 00:36:44,771 --> 00:36:47,841 Good time to refinance for you. 841 00:36:51,644 --> 00:36:52,879 How much time, Bill? 842 00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:54,080 Five minutes, 30 seconds, sir. 843 00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:56,082 All right. All right. How are you doing? 844 00:36:56,082 --> 00:36:57,083 Good to see you. 845 00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:58,351 Hi, little shaver. 846 00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:00,220 Stay in school. Study hard. 847 00:37:00,253 --> 00:37:01,388 (chuckles) 848 00:37:01,421 --> 00:37:04,090 How are you doing? Persian Gulf. Persian Gulf. 849 00:37:04,124 --> 00:37:05,158 Persian Gulf. 850 00:37:05,191 --> 00:37:06,493 How are you, young lady? 851 00:37:06,526 --> 00:37:08,028 -Hi, Mr. President. -How are you? 852 00:37:08,028 --> 00:37:10,163 Are you gonna do any skiing while you’re up here? 853 00:37:10,196 --> 00:37:11,464 Well, I’ll tell you this. 854 00:37:11,498 --> 00:37:14,200 If I’d brought my skis, I’d take you up on it. 855 00:37:14,234 --> 00:37:16,603 Oh, you can borrow some of mine. 856 00:37:16,636 --> 00:37:19,572 Well, I, wouldn’t want to-- you to go to in any trouble. 857 00:37:19,606 --> 00:37:21,508 No, it’s no trouble. They’re in my truck. 858 00:37:25,045 --> 00:37:27,881 Well, actually, I use the old wooden skis. 859 00:37:27,914 --> 00:37:29,616 Oh, they’re wood. I’ll go get them. 860 00:37:29,649 --> 00:37:31,084 No, not gonna happen. 861 00:37:32,619 --> 00:37:35,655 I didn’t really want to ski here, young lady. 862 00:37:35,689 --> 00:37:39,726 Just a little friendly banter. Not to be taken literally. 863 00:37:39,759 --> 00:37:42,262 -Okay, how much time, Bill? -Four more minutes, sir. 864 00:37:42,295 --> 00:37:43,596 All right. 865 00:37:43,630 --> 00:37:44,698 Hi, there. Hi, there. 866 00:37:44,731 --> 00:37:46,466 How-- who we got? How are you? 867 00:37:46,499 --> 00:37:47,967 This is the greatest thing to happen to me 868 00:37:48,068 --> 00:37:48,968 in my whole life. 869 00:37:49,069 --> 00:37:50,770 You know, I’ve been so sick. 870 00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:52,972 Oh, yeah. Healthcare, big issue. 871 00:37:53,073 --> 00:37:55,909 -I had a polyp on my colon. -Uh-huh. 872 00:37:55,942 --> 00:37:58,144 And the fluid just ran out of me for days. 873 00:37:58,178 --> 00:37:59,412 Yeah, yeah. 874 00:37:59,446 --> 00:38:01,681 My daughter had to come over and take care of me. 875 00:38:01,715 --> 00:38:02,749 Sure, that’s-- 876 00:38:02,782 --> 00:38:04,517 I couldn’t lay on my back. 877 00:38:04,551 --> 00:38:06,252 -She had to turn me. -Yeah, yeah. 878 00:38:06,286 --> 00:38:08,254 She’d put her hands underneath me like this-- 879 00:38:08,288 --> 00:38:09,589 Right. 880 00:38:09,622 --> 00:38:12,025 and I’d put my hand on the headboard like that-- 881 00:38:12,058 --> 00:38:13,460 Time, Bill. Time. 882 00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,695 -take a deep breath-- -Three minutes, sir. 883 00:38:15,729 --> 00:38:17,597 and, oh, the gas. 884 00:38:18,665 --> 00:38:20,667 And it lasted for so long. 885 00:38:20,700 --> 00:38:22,836 Yeah, good cop, bad cop, Bill. 886 00:38:22,869 --> 00:38:24,104 Sorry, ma’am. Sorry. 887 00:38:24,137 --> 00:38:25,138 The President has to move on. 888 00:38:25,171 --> 00:38:26,439 Really, Bill? 889 00:38:26,473 --> 00:38:28,908 You know, because I want to hear this whole story here. 890 00:38:28,942 --> 00:38:30,243 We’re running behind, sir. 891 00:38:30,276 --> 00:38:31,244 You know, Bill’s right. 892 00:38:31,277 --> 00:38:33,046 Got to-got to spread the wealth. 893 00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:34,447 How you doing there, young lady. 894 00:38:34,481 --> 00:38:36,049 Stay in school, little shaverette. 895 00:38:36,049 --> 00:38:37,283 -How you doing? -Hi. 896 00:38:37,317 --> 00:38:39,753 Persian Gulf, Persian Gulf. Good to see you. 897 00:38:39,786 --> 00:38:41,054 How you doing, young man? 898 00:38:41,054 --> 00:38:43,823 -I’d like to ask you something. -Yeah? 899 00:38:43,857 --> 00:38:46,960 I haven’t worked in over a year-and-a-half. 900 00:38:47,060 --> 00:38:49,162 Yeah. Tough, tough times here. 901 00:38:49,195 --> 00:38:52,599 Yeah, well, I’d like to know how you justify your pay raise 902 00:38:52,632 --> 00:38:56,302 while families like mine go hungry. 903 00:38:56,336 --> 00:38:58,238 Yeah, okay. Okay, my friend. 904 00:38:58,271 --> 00:39:00,340 I-I deserve that, deserve that. 905 00:39:00,373 --> 00:39:02,542 You know, I know people are hurting, 906 00:39:02,575 --> 00:39:05,412 but the message today is I care. 907 00:39:05,445 --> 00:39:06,780 And I’m ready to listen. 908 00:39:06,813 --> 00:39:09,749 And I’m here, I’m hands on, and I’m domestic. 909 00:39:09,783 --> 00:39:13,420 I’m a hands-on domestic listener. 910 00:39:13,453 --> 00:39:14,921 And I hear people out there. 911 00:39:15,021 --> 00:39:18,224 They got real problems, because we’re in real trouble. 912 00:39:18,258 --> 00:39:19,793 And you know what, young man? 913 00:39:19,826 --> 00:39:22,228 I care about you. 914 00:39:22,262 --> 00:39:24,464 You’ve ruined my life! 915 00:39:27,267 --> 00:39:28,268 Time, Bill? 916 00:39:28,301 --> 00:39:29,669 A minute forty-five, Mr. President. 917 00:39:29,703 --> 00:39:32,539 All right, let’s talk to this nice lady right here. 918 00:39:33,606 --> 00:39:36,576 -Oh, you know-- -Oh, my God. 919 00:39:36,609 --> 00:39:38,211 The gurus diagnosed me. 920 00:39:38,244 --> 00:39:40,680 I have the x-ray right over there in my purse. 921 00:39:40,714 --> 00:39:41,848 Yeah. Good cop, bad cop, Bill. 922 00:39:41,881 --> 00:39:43,583 Have you ever had a barium enema? 923 00:39:43,616 --> 00:39:45,885 I’m sorry, ma’am. My fault. My fault. 924 00:39:45,919 --> 00:39:47,554 Yeah, that’s Bill. 925 00:39:47,587 --> 00:39:49,055 -Time, Bill? -58 seconds, Mr. President. 926 00:39:49,089 --> 00:39:51,358 -At 20, we make our move. -Yes, sir. 927 00:39:51,391 --> 00:39:53,093 How you doing? Good to see you. 928 00:39:53,126 --> 00:39:54,327 Good to get to mingle. 929 00:39:54,361 --> 00:39:56,696 Persian Gulf, action over there. 930 00:39:56,730 --> 00:39:58,431 How you doing? Good to see you. 931 00:39:58,465 --> 00:39:59,699 How are you, young man? 932 00:39:59,733 --> 00:40:01,601 Mind if I join you here? 933 00:40:01,634 --> 00:40:02,869 What are you boys eating? 934 00:40:03,937 --> 00:40:04,871 Eggs and toast. 935 00:40:07,007 --> 00:40:09,175 Well, that’s-that’s good. Eggs and toast. 936 00:40:09,209 --> 00:40:10,744 Good breakfast there. 937 00:40:10,777 --> 00:40:11,945 Yes, sir. 938 00:40:11,978 --> 00:40:13,513 Oh, come on now. 939 00:40:13,546 --> 00:40:15,548 Let’s have a dialogue here. I don’t want you to be afraid. 940 00:40:15,582 --> 00:40:18,585 I want to take the-the tough questions here. 941 00:40:18,618 --> 00:40:21,021 Admit I was wrong. You know, I got to be honest. 942 00:40:21,054 --> 00:40:24,090 We are--we’re in an economic free fall. 943 00:40:24,124 --> 00:40:26,393 It’s bad out there. It’s bad. It’s bad. 944 00:40:27,460 --> 00:40:29,029 You know why I threw up in Tokyo? 945 00:40:29,062 --> 00:40:32,599 I saw the latest economic indicators. 946 00:40:32,632 --> 00:40:35,268 And it’s scary. It’s scary out there. 947 00:40:35,301 --> 00:40:37,237 But I’m here, I’m hands on, 948 00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:39,072 I’m domestic, and I’m ready to listen. 949 00:40:39,105 --> 00:40:40,273 So go ahead. 950 00:40:40,306 --> 00:40:42,509 Just tell me what’s on your mind, young man. 951 00:40:44,144 --> 00:40:46,146 -Eggs and toast. -Toast and eggs. 952 00:40:48,882 --> 00:40:50,750 Classic breakfast. 953 00:40:50,784 --> 00:40:52,285 Bill. 954 00:40:52,318 --> 00:40:54,654 -Time, Bill? -Time elapsed 13 seconds ago, Mr. President. 955 00:40:54,688 --> 00:40:56,690 -Bill, look at my shoe. 956 00:40:56,723 --> 00:40:57,857 Where is it pointed? 957 00:40:57,891 --> 00:40:59,459 -Toward the door, sir. -Correct, sir. 958 00:40:59,492 --> 00:41:01,194 Count to three, good cop, bad cop. 959 00:41:01,227 --> 00:41:05,165 -One, two-- -The President really must be going. 960 00:41:05,198 --> 00:41:06,399 Thank you very much. 961 00:41:06,433 --> 00:41:08,868 Can’t I stay and mingle a little longer, Bill? 962 00:41:08,902 --> 00:41:11,204 -No, Mr. President. -Well, bye-bye. 963 00:41:11,237 --> 00:41:14,207 Bye-bye, everybody. Good to see you. Got to go. 964 00:41:14,240 --> 00:41:18,144 Good to see you. So long, angry young man. 965 00:41:18,178 --> 00:41:20,213 -So long, little shaver man. -Bye. 966 00:41:20,246 --> 00:41:22,716 Stay in school. Good to see you. 967 00:41:22,749 --> 00:41:25,719 Polyp lady, I think I’ll miss you most of all. 968 00:41:25,752 --> 00:41:27,087 Oh. 969 00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:29,689 Well, so long, people. Good to see you. 970 00:41:29,723 --> 00:41:31,624 Good to see you, you all. 971 00:41:31,658 --> 00:41:33,393 Good to see you. 972 00:41:33,426 --> 00:41:34,828 Persian Gulf. 973 00:41:35,962 --> 00:41:36,896 Bye. 974 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,136 Announcer: Next onRoad to the White House, 975 00:41:43,169 --> 00:41:45,705 Former Massachusetts Senator, Paul Saunders, 976 00:41:45,739 --> 00:41:48,675 visits a sock factory outside Nashua. 977 00:41:56,249 --> 00:42:00,320 Um, Chevy, it’s really great to have you back here again. 978 00:42:00,353 --> 00:42:02,055 Oh, thanks, Gloria. 979 00:42:02,088 --> 00:42:04,557 -It’s Victoria. -Whatever. Thank you. 980 00:42:04,591 --> 00:42:08,428 man: Oh, great, thanks a lot. (sobbing) 981 00:42:08,461 --> 00:42:09,763 What happened? Who was that? 982 00:42:09,796 --> 00:42:11,297 That’s Tim. 983 00:42:11,331 --> 00:42:12,732 Well, why is he crying? 984 00:42:12,766 --> 00:42:13,700 Excuse me. 985 00:42:15,335 --> 00:42:17,604 -Tim? -(sobbing) 986 00:42:21,708 --> 00:42:23,276 Tim. 987 00:42:23,309 --> 00:42:24,411 Tim, what’s wrong? 988 00:42:26,312 --> 00:42:29,249 Nothing. Thanks, though, Mr. Chase. 989 00:42:29,282 --> 00:42:30,984 Come on. Sit back, relax. 990 00:42:32,652 --> 00:42:35,722 You know, Tim, when you share something with another person, 991 00:42:35,755 --> 00:42:38,458 a bond is created. 992 00:42:38,491 --> 00:42:39,793 We both worked on the show 993 00:42:39,826 --> 00:42:42,796 and though, that’s not where the similarity ends. 994 00:42:42,829 --> 00:42:44,097 (sobs) 995 00:42:44,130 --> 00:42:46,533 So what’s wrong? Come on, it can’t be that bad. 996 00:42:48,134 --> 00:42:51,271 Come on, you tell me, what is it, your family? 997 00:42:51,304 --> 00:42:52,672 -No. -No. 998 00:42:52,706 --> 00:42:54,507 -Is it you? Are you sick? -No. 999 00:42:54,541 --> 00:42:56,476 -Someone you know sick? -No. 1000 00:42:56,509 --> 00:42:59,245 -Did you make someone sick? -No. 1001 00:42:59,279 --> 00:43:02,382 -Is it health-related? -No. 1002 00:43:02,415 --> 00:43:03,350 Hemorrhoids? 1003 00:43:04,684 --> 00:43:06,052 No. 1004 00:43:06,052 --> 00:43:08,455 Some type of, uh, discharge? 1005 00:43:09,656 --> 00:43:11,257 No. 1006 00:43:11,291 --> 00:43:14,761 You can tell me. I mean, did you kill someone? 1007 00:43:14,794 --> 00:43:16,162 I did. You can tell me. 1008 00:43:16,196 --> 00:43:17,931 -No. -No. 1009 00:43:17,964 --> 00:43:20,934 You don’t have hemorrhoids. You didn’t kill anyone. 1010 00:43:20,967 --> 00:43:23,269 Are you gay? That’s okay. 1011 00:43:23,303 --> 00:43:26,272 Do you like men? You want to have sex with me? 1012 00:43:26,306 --> 00:43:27,340 -No. -Are you sure? 1013 00:43:27,374 --> 00:43:28,508 Yes. 1014 00:43:28,541 --> 00:43:30,076 Not gay, not after me. 1015 00:43:31,978 --> 00:43:33,613 Did you rape someone? 1016 00:43:33,646 --> 00:43:36,116 -No. -Were you raped? You want to rape me? 1017 00:43:36,149 --> 00:43:38,084 -No. -Are you sure? 1018 00:43:38,084 --> 00:43:39,352 -I’m sure. -Didn’t rape. 1019 00:43:39,386 --> 00:43:41,721 Did an--Did an animal have sex with you? 1020 00:43:41,755 --> 00:43:43,790 -No. -No. 1021 00:43:43,823 --> 00:43:45,792 You want me to have sex with an animal or-- 1022 00:43:45,825 --> 00:43:47,427 -No. -Are you sure? ’Cause I will. 1023 00:43:47,460 --> 00:43:49,929 -I mean, I’ve done it before. It’s not a problem. -No. 1024 00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:52,732 No, I’m fine, Mr. Chase. Really. Thank you, though. 1025 00:43:52,766 --> 00:43:53,900 All right, well, look, Tim, 1026 00:43:53,933 --> 00:43:55,802 I-I don’t know what could be wrong with you 1027 00:43:55,835 --> 00:43:57,637 but I want you to know I respect your privacy, 1028 00:43:57,671 --> 00:43:59,639 and if you ever want to talk to me, you can. 1029 00:43:59,673 --> 00:44:04,044 -Can I tell you something? It might make you feel better. -Sure. Sure. 1030 00:44:04,044 --> 00:44:05,912 This used to be my dressing room. 1031 00:44:05,945 --> 00:44:07,280 -Really? -Yep. 1032 00:44:07,313 --> 00:44:08,882 -Wow, that’s great. -Yeah. 1033 00:44:08,915 --> 00:44:10,717 Anyway, I remember one time, 1034 00:44:10,750 --> 00:44:12,318 I was depressed about my life and career, 1035 00:44:12,352 --> 00:44:13,787 I came in here and just sat down 1036 00:44:13,820 --> 00:44:16,823 and just started making up songs. 1037 00:44:16,856 --> 00:44:17,924 -(chuckles) -(chuckles) 1038 00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:20,160 Made me feel better. You want to hear one? 1039 00:44:20,193 --> 00:44:22,128 -No. -Are you sure? I could play one. 1040 00:44:22,162 --> 00:44:23,697 No, no. Thanks, though, Mr. Chase. 1041 00:44:23,730 --> 00:44:25,165 I think I get the point. 1042 00:44:25,198 --> 00:44:26,833 You came in here, you made up the songs, 1043 00:44:26,866 --> 00:44:29,269 and that’s what brought you out of your depression, right? 1044 00:44:29,302 --> 00:44:30,503 (chuckles) No, no, no. 1045 00:44:30,537 --> 00:44:32,739 I-I was signed to a mulching, multi-picture deal. 1046 00:44:32,772 --> 00:44:34,341 That’s what brought me out of it. 1047 00:44:34,374 --> 00:44:36,343 I realized I never had to look at these walls again. 1048 00:44:36,376 --> 00:44:40,847 -That was basically what brought me out of it. -Well, what’s the point? 1049 00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:44,684 There really is no point, Tim, no point at all to anything. 1050 00:44:44,718 --> 00:44:47,687 Don’t try to find an answer to life, okay? 1051 00:44:47,721 --> 00:44:49,956 ’Cause in the end, we all die anyway, 1052 00:44:49,989 --> 00:44:54,227 and it’s usually slow and painful. 1053 00:44:54,260 --> 00:44:56,129 Feel better? 1054 00:44:56,162 --> 00:44:58,098 -No. -Well, I do. 1055 00:44:58,098 --> 00:45:00,066 Now get out there and do a good show. 1056 00:45:00,100 --> 00:45:02,168 I’m not in anything except for this. 1057 00:45:02,202 --> 00:45:03,236 Oh, oh. 1058 00:45:03,269 --> 00:45:06,039 Well, go get me a sandwich. 1059 00:45:06,039 --> 00:45:07,407 -Sure, Mr. Chase. -Thank you. 1060 00:45:14,047 --> 00:45:18,318 ( singing ) 1061 00:45:23,556 --> 00:45:27,627 -Hello, I’m Hal Kaufman. -And I’m Enrique Kaufman for Kaufman’s Big and Tall-- 1062 00:45:27,660 --> 00:45:31,297 And Short and Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store. 1063 00:45:31,331 --> 00:45:32,766 We’d like to take this opportunity 1064 00:45:32,799 --> 00:45:35,602 to clear up a misconception about Kaufman’s Big and Tall... 1065 00:45:35,635 --> 00:45:36,770 And Short and Small-- 1066 00:45:36,803 --> 00:45:39,205 Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store. 1067 00:45:39,239 --> 00:45:41,574 While some people think that Kaufman’s Big and Tall... 1068 00:45:41,608 --> 00:45:42,676 And Short and Small-- 1069 00:45:42,709 --> 00:45:44,411 Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store 1070 00:45:44,444 --> 00:45:46,413 is only for big and tall... 1071 00:45:46,446 --> 00:45:50,083 -And short and small. -Sephardic Jews, they could be and they couldn’t be more wrong. 1072 00:45:50,083 --> 00:45:51,418 That’s right, Enrique. 1073 00:45:51,451 --> 00:45:53,887 We included Sephardic Jew in the name of our stores 1074 00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:55,155 as a point of ethnic pride 1075 00:45:55,188 --> 00:45:58,291 because we are in fact, Sephardic Jews. 1076 00:45:58,324 --> 00:45:59,626 But we’re running out of time, 1077 00:45:59,659 --> 00:46:01,528 the point is that Kaufman’s Big and Tall... 1078 00:46:01,561 --> 00:46:02,862 And Short and Small. 1079 00:46:02,896 --> 00:46:05,498 Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store, every man-- 1080 00:46:05,532 --> 00:46:07,701 Announcer: That’s Kaufman’s Big and Tall 1081 00:46:07,734 --> 00:46:10,904 and Short and Small Sephardic Jew Men’s Clothing Store. 1082 00:46:10,937 --> 00:46:13,173 Free gold Star of David Medallion 1083 00:46:13,206 --> 00:46:14,574 with every purchase. 1084 00:46:27,287 --> 00:46:29,556 Good night, Janie. I love you. Good night, everybody. 82164

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