All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E10.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(buzzer buzzes)

Woman:(on phone)
Mr. Stone,

Elliot Rifkin,
from Warner Brothers,

is here to see you.

Thanks, Terry.
Send him in.

-Oliver.
-Thanks for coming, Elliot.

You sounded pretty worked up
on the phone.

What’s up?

The room may be bugged.

Have a seat.

Thanks.

Elliot...

have you been following the news
lately?

Yeah.

You heard about what happened
to the President in Japan?

Yeah, that was awful.

Poor guy.
So embarrassing.

Embarrassing?
It was a national tragedy.

Well?

I want to show you something.

Right, yeah,
I saw this on the news.

It was pretty bad.

That, of course,
is the official version.

The version
they wanted us to see.

Now, take a look at this,
the unedited footage.

I can’t watch this.

Now, Elliot...

why do you think
the American people

weren’t allowed
to see this?

Well, would they really want
to see this?

It is disgusting.

You buy that?

Yeah.

Elliot,
three days ago,

my office asked for permission
to examine that tablecloth.

Uh-huh.

You know what we were told?

The tablecloth had been sent
to the cleaners.

Yeah?

Doesn’t that strike you
as more than a little odd?

Well, it was covered
with puke.

Exactly.

It seems to me, the President
vomits on a tablecloth,

I’m gonna hang on
to that tablecloth.

I’m not gonna send it
to the cleaners.

Uh, Oliver, what-what--
(clears throat)

What exactly--

Elliot,
the point is this:

The vomit is gone.

The vomit is gone!

No record of what he ate,
how much he ate,

or how much he vomited.

All we have is this tape.
Now watch.

Up.

Back.
Up.

Back, up.

-Back, back.
-Stop playing it.

-Can I have a glass of water?
-Just a minute.

Now, based on the still
from frame 235,

we’ve prepared this.

Are you thinking
what I’m thinking?

I don’t know.

An awful lot of vomit
for one person,

don’t you think?

Oliver, look.
I have another meeting.

How-how can I help you?

I just want you...

to ask yourself
three questions:

Who was there?

Who stood to gain by making
the President throw up?

And who had the means
to pull it off?

I don’t know,
Japanese?

In their own banquet hall?
No. Think.

Who stood to gain?

-Lee Iacocca?
-Bingo.

The man wins a cigar.

Oliver, look.
The last three years,

you have really been going
non-stop.

I mean, Talk Radio,
The Doors, JFK.

I mean,
maybe this is your time

to just kick back
and relax a little.

God knows you earned it.

You don’t get it,
do you?

You just don’t get it.

(phone rings)

Yes?

Oh, my God.

They’ve done it again.

What?

The President
has wet his pants.

I’ve got a plane to catch.

Wow.

Live, from New York,
it’s Saturday Night.

(audience applaud, cheer)

Man:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schnieder,

David Spade,

and featuring Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest,
Nirvana.

And starring,
Rob Morrow.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rob Morrow!

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

Wow.
"Saturday Night Live" man.

Got to love it.
(Crowd cheering)

I’m sure, I’m sure most of you
are thinking the reason

I’m hosting this show is because
I’m on "Northern Exposure".

And well, this is,
this is true.

It’s been getting
a lot of press.

And well, there’s just
a little more to it than that.

See, unless you don’t know,
a bit of a secret,

I’ve actually done
the show before.

Yeah, it’s a simple case of,

I mean, I guess they liked what
I did and they asked me back.

I’ve made my first appearance,
it was 1980.

I was in a classic piece
called "The Substitute Judge".

Let’s see,
it was and Gilda,

there was Jane, Gary,
Bill Murray,

oh, and Rodney Dangerfield
was actually the defendant.

I wonder if we could--
Hey, Davey,

do you think
we could roll that clip?

I mean I saw it, they have it,
there’s Gareth Morris

and let’s see, there’s Rodney
and wait, there’s me,

wait, stop the tape,
right there.

Here we go.
(Crowd laughing)

That’s me.
(Crowd cheering)

It brings back memories,
so many memories.

I mean, there I was
a struggling young actor,

just moved to New York,
I come to "Saturday Night Live"

to audition for the part
of Jury number 12.

I guess I did pretty well
because right away,

and I mean,
like right away,

I was re-cast
in the role of juror number 11.

And this is a real break
for a young actor, okay?

This is a major break.

’Cause as juror number 11,

I get the chance to do
some ensemble work

with Billy and Lorraine.

And these are given actors.

I got to tell you,
this is a young actor’s dream.

Well, for a while,
I thought they had forgotten

about the work I’ve done
for the show,

but sure enough,
12 years later,

the phone rings
and here I am.

I must tell you,
it’s great to be back.

Actually, I had a little
more work to do tonight.

I have some lines,
and some special business,

if you watch really closely,
I’m sure you’ll see me.

We have a great show.
We have Nirvana!

(Crowd cheering)
(Applause)

Don’t go away.
We’ll be right back.

Oh, it’s moron.
How are you?

Hey, idiot.
Fancy meeting you here.

Well, I would never have come
if I knew alpha breath

was gonna be here.
(Crowd laughing)

Well, you’re gonna live with it
once you oh-smelly-one.

So what have you been
doing lately

eating your plus-sized zits?

(Crowd laughing)
Well, no stinky.

I just finished a book
about you.

Is that right, Count Fagula?
(Crowd laughing)

Yeah, it’s called, "The Life and
Times of a Man with No Penis".

(Crowd laughing)
It’s pretty good.

Well, I’m glad you found time
to read for a change

instead of sniffing your finger
all day like you always do.

(Crowd laughing)

Hey, if it isn’t Mr. Douche
and Mr. Bag.

The Pinnacle twins.
(Crowd laughing)

-How are you?
-Pretty good, booger belly,

considering the fact
that I just got finished

shaving your mom’s back.
(Crowd laughing)

And how about you,
Johnny Dingleberry?

Still having those fantasies
about sniffing Ed Asner’s feet?

Oh, easy there,
Sergeant Skidmarks.

Actually, I’ve been too busy
picking on my little hairs

out of your sister’s teeth.

Hey, pit stakes!

Hey, where the hell
is our slices?

Coming right up, used
and a lot of stink.

(Crowd laughing)

Okay. I got pepperoni
for sir scrotum...

and I got onion slice
for the hemorrhoid king.

(Crowd laughing)

And I got anchovies
for Michael Wang.

And electra cheese
for Mr. Herpes simplex. Enjoy.

Well, well, well,
if it isn’t Skank Fest ’92.

What brings you defects
here?

We wanted to see what it’s like
to watch four giant gerbils

stuffing mutants eating pizza.

And you know what?
We came to the right place.

So what do you chunks

of steaming corn-infested
dung up to?

Oh, just trying to keep
ourselves disease-free,

you bloated
yeast-ridden host bag.

We’re going to a party
across town.

Do you chicken-choking
losers want to come?

With you scab-picking
tuna queens? Sure.

-Yeah.
-Let’s go.

Hope you all get killed tonight
you sons and bitches.

Sticks and stones
may break their bones.

But, apparently,
names will never hurt.

Okay, girls,
tomorrow night,

Delta Delta Delta
pledge meeting, 7:00.

-Don’t be late.
-Okay. Bye.

This is such a cute
Calvin Klein skirt.

Oh, my God, I’m so mad at Jamie
for quitting ROTC.

Your eye make-up
looks so good.

That is such a good color
on you.

Thanks. It’s my mom’s.

She works for Lancome.

I hope to God
they don’t test it on animals.

These big companies don’t care
about anything.

God, you’re earrings make
your whole head sparkle.

Thank you.

I know.
It’s so scary.

I mean,
I can’t even go outside

and breathe the air
without being scared.

I know.
It’s so scary.

Do you have any gum?

(phone rings)
It’s ringing.

-Oh, God, get it.
-Okay, I will.

Delta, Delta, Delta, can
I help you, help you, help you?

No way.

Thank you for telling us.
You’re a best friend.

That was Sarah.

She said
she just saw Meg

running and screaming
across the campus.

She’s on her way here now!

Oh, my God, my God!
Oh, my God!

-Oh, God.
-Oh, yeah.

Where is she?

God, I’m so broken out.

Oh.

What is wrong?

You guys, the worst thing
just happened to me.

-What happened?
-I’m trying to tell you.

-Okay, then tell me.
-Okay.

Here is the nightmare
of my life.

I just made an F
on my Speech file on Nicaragua.

I swear
my teacher hates me.

-She’s so jealous of me.
-Oh, my God, Nicaragua.
Let me hear it.

Okay.

Here it goes.

Okay, you guys,
can I please just say one thing?

I’m so serious.

Nicaragua,
one of the six nations

in Central American isthmus
is in such bad shape.

Everybody thinks so.

Meg, is that your--
That is such a good speech.

Your teacher is such
a bitch.

Meg, your hair looks so cute
that way.

Thank you.
You are so nice.

You have no split-ends.

You guys,
can I just say one thing?

I know exactly
how you feel.

-Are you guys hungry? I am.
Are you? I am. I am so hungry.
-Wait a minute.

Hey, wait, look,
I have some Ho Hos.

Oh, my God,
I really love those.

Look, I know
you’re really bummed out

and you’re probably
gonna flunked Speech

but something much worse
happened to me.

Last semester,
in Geology class,

we’re studying rocks
or whatever,

and everybody hated me because
I couldn’t tell the difference

between halite and calcite.

I mean, I know
that halite has salt

and I was trying to taste it
and my hands started swelling,

oh, my God,
and I couldn’t tell

if I was tasting the
salt in my hands

or the salt on the rocks!

Oh, my God,
that is so sad.

There is no way!

-Hugs!
-Definitely!

You guys are the best friends
I ever had.

Do you want to order pizza?
I do. Do you?

We should get a pizza.
Let’s get one.

-Do you want to get a pizza?
-That’s such a good idea.

Okay.

Ladies, Dick is having a mix
at 5 bucks ahead,

10 kegger of party parte,
burgers on the grill,

Jack’s band,
it’s gonna rock all night,

party naked till you puke.

Okay.

All right.

-Okay.
-All right.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

He’s so cute.

I was paralyzed.

I heard that he drives
an emerald green Porsche.

Oh, my God.

Could you die?

-I felt like he loved you.
-I swear he’s loving you.

No, he was loving you.

Oh, my God, he hated me.

I can’t believe
he so completely so hated me.

What should we get on the pizza?
Mushrooms?

What are you wearing
to Valentine’s Day?

Oh, my God.

Announcer: Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

Good evening.

I’m Kevin Harvey Nealon
and I’m acting alone.

Our lead story tonight,

President Bush returned home
Thursday

after trade agreements
were completed with Japan.

Bush confers about possible
tax hikes telling the press,

"Wipe my lips.
No new taxes."

Frightening as the incident
with President Bush was,

Americans were reminded once
again of the incredible security

that surrounds
the Chief Executive.

Within seconds
of the President’s vomiting,

a secret serviceman
was at his side with Bedpan One.

Back at home, the Democratic
candidates began to debate

how they would have vomited
in Japan

had they been president
at that time.

In an attempt to improve
our economy

and make America
more competitive,

the President took 21 corporate
executives with him to Japan

including the chairman of GM,
Ford, and Chrysler.

For a short while,
our economy did improve

but then they all came back.

President Bush is shown here
selling America

as a tourist attraction
on British TV.

Uh, he’s in much demand
as an advertising personality.

In Japan,
he opened the Toys R US store,

showed off the latest
state-of-the-art camera,

and then demonstrated
the durability

of the silicone gel
breast implant.

FDA officials urge doctors
to stop using

silicone breast implants until
an expert panel can consider

new information
about their safety.

This move by FDA officials came
under mediate fire

from TNA officials.

The alternative saline implants
filled with saltwater

are safer than silicone
but apparently less popular

because when they’re pulled on
too much,

they hardened
and turned to toughie.

And in a related story,

a recent survey
showed Los Angeles

as being the U.S. breast implant
capital of the world,

where one in four breast
implants are performed.

I guess they go to another city
to get the other one done.

I’m not sure how that works.

Although famous celebrities
admitting to having implants,

Cher, Jessica Hahn
and Dizzy Gillespie.

Here to comment on the social
impact of the FDA’s decision

is Weekend Updatecorrespondent,
Jan Brady.

-Jan?
-(audience applauding)

Hey, I’m Jan Brady.

You know, for years,

women have been spending
a ton of money

on silicone breast implants

and various other
cosmetics surgeries.

Well, when I was
12 years old,

I wanted to be more like
my older sister Marsha.

All I heard all day long

was how great Marsha
was at this,

and how great Marsha
was at that.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

I was tired of being
Marsha’s shadow all the time.

Okay.

The really horrible part of it
is that this week,

the FDA asked doctors to stop
using silicone breast implants.

Isn’t that terrible?

See, there was another time

when I was tired of looking
like everybody else,

I was always Marsha’s
younger sister

or Cindy’s older sister.

I was in the middle.

And being in the middle
is like being invisible.

So I went to the store
and I bought myself a wig,

a brown wig.

And then I went
to Lucy Winter’s birthday party

and all the kids
laughed at me.

They thought my wig
was a joke.

See, everybody,

changing your appearance just
leads to ultimate humiliation

and breast implants
are just downright dangerous.

So please accept your bodies
the way they are.

Jan, Jan,
correct me if I’m wrong.

I mean, you are only 13.

Maybe that’s so.

But I do know when people
are doing harmful things

to their bodies.

Like one time,

I saw my brother Greg
in the schoolyard

with some other guys
and he was smoking.

Okay, all right, Jan.
Easy, easy there now.

No. He was smoking.

Hey,
maybe I’ve saved Greg’s life.

Did you ever think
about that, Kevin?

-Huh? Did you?
-Okay. It’s all right.
Okay. All right.

-I got to go. See you later.
-All right. Okay.

Good luck.

I think it’s that whole middle
child thing, you know?

Democratic presidential hopeful
Jerry Brown announced last week

that in an effort to increase
contributions to his campaign,

he is establishing an 800 number
for phone-in donations.

Massachusetts Senator
Ted Kennedy later announced

he will have a 976 number
for the same purpose.

-Yeah.
-Well, this week,

Mario Cuomo rejected a move
by Democratic Party leaders

to draft him
into the presidential race.

Cuomo said he now wants
to devote himself full-time

to deciding whether or not
to run in ’96.

And in Washington,

the lights went out
for two hours Monday night

due to a power failure.

Unfortunately,
congress was out of session,

so there were no reports
of sexual assaults.

And former Washington Mayor
Marion Barry

allegedly had a female visitor
performed oral sex on him

while in the visiting room
at his prison last Sunday.

Officials searched Barry
thoroughly afterwards,

just to make sure
it wasn’t some elaborate way

of passing him a file.

And now
for the feature perspective

is news correspondent
Victoria Jackson.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There is a current fad
that is offending me,

dumb blonde jokes.

Not because I’m blonde
but because they’re not funny.

Here’s a few that my friends
told me that I’ve analyzed.

Number one.

What do you call a bunch
of blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel.

Well, like, I think that means
they can’t win

and that’s really mean.

Number two.

Some blondes
went to Disneyland

and they saw a sign that said,
"Disneyland left."

So they went home.

So then what happened?
What’s the punch line?

Number three.

What do you call a brunette

who’s standing
between two blondes?

An interpreter.

I don’t get it,
if they’re all Americans.

Number four.

What’s the first thing
a blonde does in the morning?

Goes home.

Well, of course,
you go home.

You have to change your clothes
before you go to work.

Hey, Victoria.
I got one. I got one.

-What?
- Tell me what you think.

Why do dumb blondes
wear shoulder pads?

Hmm, I don’t know.
Why?

-Oh, Victoria Jackson.
-Why.

-Thank you, Victoria.
-Why?

-Why? I don’t get it? Tell me.
-It’s too long. It’s too long.

Why?

In an effort to save timber jobs
in the Northwest,

the Fish and Wildlife Service

proposed removing
the rare spotted owl

from the endangered species
list.

They added that the endangered
species act

will still protect
the older liver spotted owls.

The Post Office has announced

a new stamp commemorating
Elvis Presley.

The stamp will be used

to mail packages
weighing over 250 pounds.

(clears throat)

The Post Office officials say
the stamp

would be a picture of Elvis

on a small square
of crushed velvet.

Oliver Stone’s JFK film
has rekindled the controversies

surrounding the assassination
of President Kennedy.

The FBI announced today
that Tonight’s Showsidekick,

Ed McMahon, maybe indited
for being the third gunman.

(audience laughs)

They presented
this actual audio tape

of the three gunshots
as their key piece of evidence.

-(gun fires)
-There’s gunshot number one.

-(gun fires)
-There’s gunshot number two.

-And here comes number three.
-(gun fires)

Man:
Yes.

(audience applauding)

Georgian President
Zviad Gamsakhurdia...

(audience laughs)

finally fled his republics
in battle capital Tbilisi Monday

and crossed
into neighboring Armenia.

-That’s Armenia.
-(audience laughs)

You may recall that rebels
Gamsakhurdia,

uh, they ousted him last month

after they realized his name

was just too difficult
to pronounced.

(audience laughs)

According
to an industry newsletter,

complaints about airline service
has reached a 20-year low

but once stranded
PanAm ticketholders

find their way back home,

an increase is inspected,
expected and possibly inspected.

(audience laughs)

1991 marked the second warmest
temperature year on record.

Scientists verify their findings
by going to the North Pole

and sticking a thermometer
up the Earth’s axis.

(audience laughs)

Former New York Mets
pitching great Tom Seaver

was elected this week
into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

(audience applause)

Joining Seaver

will be surrealist painter
Salvador Dali.

(audience laughs)

You know, a lot of people
were disappointed

Pete Rose wasn’t considered.

But things actually turned out
pretty good for Pete

since he had a 100
on Tom to win.

(audience laughs)

Well, finally, minutes
after pleading not guilty

on corruption charges
at the Manila Courthouse,

Imelda Marcos announced

that she will be running
for president of the Philippines

in their upcoming May elections.

Marcos apparently didn’t realize
that it’s customary in politics

to be elected to office first

and then go to court
on corruption charges.

-(audience laughs)
-I’m Kevin Nealon,
and that’s news to me.

(audience applauding)

Announcer:
And now,

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(audience laughing)

* Another year
Has come and gone *

* And still we’re at the ranch *

* And as the new year
Faces us *

* A cowboy ponders change *

* I decided this year
I quit smoking for good *

* I’ve given up red meat
And butter *

* I’m gonna alternate shots
Of tequila *

* With a big
In a tumbler of water *

* Well
I won’t take a whisk *

* On the campfire
this year *

* And if I get married
I’ll show up *

* And I’m gonna watch
Where has been when I chew *

* This may be the year
That we grow up *

* Hoppy-tie-ay
Hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be
A better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie-ay
Hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* Gonna be a better cowboy *

* I’m gonna make sex
And expression of love *

* And not just
The means of escape *

(audience laughs)

* I’m gonna stay out
Of those romantic flings *

* That are often mistaken
For rape *

(audience laughs)

* And let’s keep our hands
Off the cattle this year *

* And not just
’Cause they had us arrested *

* It’s bad enough that
They’re all gonna be killed *

* They don’t need to be touched
Or molested *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be a better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie-ay hippy-hoop
Tie-ay-oh *

* Gonna be a better cowboy *

* Well, I’m not gonna shoot
At your feet any more *

* Yell in, dance,
Little sissy boy, dance *

* And when you take the break *

* I won’t holler stampede *

* when I see that you drop
In your pants *

* I’m gonna get over depression
This year *

* And stop cursing
The day I was born *

* And I won’t be turning
My saddle around *

* And ride down the trail
On the horse *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be a better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be *

* A better cowboy *

(audience applauding)

Is-is this heaven?

Yes, Henry. Welcome.

(chuckles)
Then I made it.

Well, not quite.

There are just few more
questions we must ask

before you finally enter.

Are you God?

No. I am Saint Peter.

This is Archangel Michael.

And this is Archangel Gabriel.

I’m very pleased to meet you.

But what questions
could you have of me?

Henry, do you think
you led a good life?

I tried to. I’m sure
I didn’t do as well as others.

I certainly I didn’t do even,
when I myself was capable of

but I-I think that ultimately
I left the world

having done more good
than evil,

at least I hope so anyway.

What do you think
of Silence of the Lambs?

(audience laughs)

The movie?

Yeah. Did you like it?
Did you see it?

What do you think?

Well, overall, I thought
it was pretty good.

It’s really scary at the end.
I mean, my heart was pounding.

Yeah, but didn’t you think there
were some big holes in the plot?

Yeah, like didn’t you wonder

why Jodie Foster
went after the guy at the end

instead calling for back up?

Yeah, I did think
that was a little--

Well, and how does the guy
open a police handcuffs

with just a little broken piece
of a ballpoint pen?

I mean, come on.

Well, you know, I know
there were things like that

but I-I think
if you buy the whole idea

that it just carries you along,

you know,
it worked for me, guys.

Wasn’t Jodie Foster great?

All right.

The next one
is a two-part question.

What are your feelings
about Jesus?

And what do you think
of The Addams Family?

(audience laughs)

Well, I love Jesus.
I hated The Addams Family.

But the ad was good,
don’t you think?

Oh, yeah. It really made you
want to go see the movie.

My hats off to whoever
created the trailer

for that thing.

Hey, how about
the Prince of Tides?

-I liked it.
-Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, well--

What, Gabriel?
You didn’t like it?

I know all people have inherint
worth the eyes of God

but, you know, I just can’t
get passed Barbra Streisand.

(audience laughs)

I spent the whole time
looking at her nails.

You know,
I thought of that going in,

but going out, I was convinced.

Henry,

if you could go back
and change one thing,

you know, anything at all,

what would you change
about Lawrence of Arabia?

(audience laughs)

Um, I don’t think
I’d change one thing.

What do you guys think
of Thelma and Louise?

Ah, well,
I-I thought it was good.

I mean, yeah, that was good.

Ah, had a good message,
I thought.

What did you think?

I liked it really.
It was good.

(audience laughs)

Henry, are you prepared

to spend the rest of eternity
with God

loving him and adoring him

and rejoicing
in his love for you?

Absolutely without question.

And finally, what other movies
have you seen lately?

Well, I saw Hook.

Ouch!

-Amen to that.
-(audience laughs)

Did anyone seen Black Robe?

-No.
-Now go see it.

Really it’s good.
It’s really good.

(audience applauding)

Announcer:
And now

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(audience applauding)

So I heard Jerry Brown say,

"Nowadays we have just one
party, the Incumbent Party!"

And I can see
where he’s coming from.

You know, I don’t know.

Some of those Democrats
make me appreciate Quayle.

That’s right.

Hey, this is a good place.
Have you been here before?

No, I have not.
But I like it already.

I know, these chairs alone.

Anyways, you know
what’s interesting--

It’s outer space.

Jerry Brown.

I’m-I’m sorry.

You know, where Jerry Brown
is coming from, probably--

-Oh, right.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

So okay, you know what’s good
here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.

-Oh?
-Yeah, that is very good here.

Oh, sounds enticing.

Yeah, you’ll think
you’re in Boston,

but without the crazy
cab drivers.

I’ve heard about
those crazy cab drivers.

-Yeah, and they’re like--
-I think, um--

Sorry. Go ahead.

Oh. Okay. All right.

Uh, well, they’ll do anything
you tell them, right?

I mean, if you’re in a hurry,
it’s like the Indy 500.

I mean, I don’t know
what kind of training films

they show these guys.

And you know what’s also great
about Boston?

-What?
-The Clam Chowder.

Oh, I love Clam Chowder.

They-they probably show them
The French Connection.

-Yeah. Yeah. Right.
-Uh-huh.

The-the cabbies in Boston,
the training films they,

-chase scenes--
-Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Anyway, the clam chowder
in Boston is truly great.

-Yeah. I bet it is.
-Yeah, well-- No, I’m sure.

Hey, you know
what else is great?

Going to a Red Sox game.

-Oh, sure.
-Yeah.

I was there in 1986

when they lost
the World Series and--

-Wow.
-To the Mets?

Yeah, to the Mets.

So anyways, I’ll tell you
what happened.

-Yeah, what?
-Okay.

I paid $100 to a guy, right,
to get a playoff game, right?

And it turned out
it was a forged ticket.

-No way.
-Clam chowder!

(audience laughing)

Uh, you know, I mean,

they’re always
with the clam chowder

to the New Englanders.

-Yeah.
-That’s--that’s very true.

-That’s very true.
-Anyways, so, um--

-Did you folks need menus?
-Uh, no.

I’ll just have
the Yankee Pot Roast.

Sir?

Uh, does the French dip
come with French fries?

Pretty much everything
comes with French fries.

Okay, good.

That’s the only way
I can eat French dip.

(laughter)

-Sir?
-Oh, uh, just a burger.

Yeah.

So who’s out there?
Who are you gonna vote for?

-I know. It’s scary.
-Yeah.

There’s that Clinton guy,
he seems okay.

-Is he from Florida?
-No.

He’s from Arkansas.

-Who’s the one from Florida?
-Pee-wee Herman.

Could we get
the waiter, please, miss?

Yeah, well,
she’s getting our stuff.

-I’m sorry.
-Yeah?

Um, what about, uh,
coffee and French fries?

What?

Well, you--you said practically
everything comes with fries.

Yeah, well, actually,

not practically everything
comes with fries.

-No, I know, I--
-Yeah.

(audience laughing)

So, uh,
so those--those candidates

-are really something, huh?
-They are.

-That Pat Buchanan guy.
-Yeah.

Pat Buchanan’s
got some interesting ideas.

About as interesting
as David Duke’s.

Well, now that Steinbrenner
is coming back,

I don’t know
how it’s gonna taste.

Who was that, Dave?

What are you talking about,
Dave?

The Yankee Pot Roast
that I don’t know

if it’s gonna taste good.

Steinbrenner.

Right, well,
that’s a possibility, Dave.

Well,
what does that mean?

Well, Dave, that was,
like, five subjects ago.

-(audience laughing)
-Well, I’m sorry.

I’m just--
I’m not a subject counter.

Yeah, well,
Dave is just a little behind.

He’s just now recently
getting into rap.

Hey, did you hear
Prince’s new album?

Prince?
That guy’s still around?

Well, yeah, yeah.
The new album’s pretty good.

The old man’s
got some life in him.

Well,
I’m more of a U2 gal.

Well, they’re always
doing something.

Bill’s a little behind himself
when he’s not being an ass.

What, Dave?

(audience laughing)

It’s just that thing you said
about being a little behind.

Um, I’ve just got to stand up
for a minute.

-Okay.
-Okay, whatever.

Okay, the way I see it,
there’s three candidates.

So these cabbies, you know,
if you’re in a hurry,

it’s like the Indy 500.

I don’t know what kind
of training films

they show these guys.

They probably show them
The French Connection.

Right!

Hey, you know what else
is great in Boston?

The clam chowder.

-Clam chowder!
-That’s how they see it!

That’s how they see it.

They always order it,
clam chowder!

That’s right!

(audience applauding)

I’d like to thank Nirvana.

(audience cheering)

And this incredibly
gracious group of people.

Thank you, thanks for tuning in,
good night.

(audience cheering)