Original subtitles

(buzzer buzzes)

Woman:(on phone) Mr. Stone,

Elliot Rifkin, from Warner Brothers,

is here to see you.

Thanks, Terry. Send him in.

-Oliver. -Thanks for coming, Elliot.

You sounded pretty worked up on the phone.

What’s up?

The room may be bugged.

Have a seat.

Thanks.

Elliot...

have you been following the news lately?

Yeah.

You heard about what happened to the President in Japan?

Yeah, that was awful.

Poor guy. So embarrassing.

Embarrassing? It was a national tragedy.

Well?

I want to show you something.

Right, yeah, I saw this on the news.

It was pretty bad.

That, of course, is the official version.

The version they wanted us to see.

Now, take a look at this, the unedited footage.

I can’t watch this.

Now, Elliot...

why do you think the American people

weren’t allowed to see this?

Well, would they really want to see this?

It is disgusting.

You buy that?

Yeah.

Elliot, three days ago,

my office asked for permission to examine that tablecloth.

Uh-huh.

You know what we were told?

The tablecloth had been sent to the cleaners.

Yeah?

Doesn’t that strike you as more than a little odd?

Well, it was covered with puke.

Exactly.

It seems to me, the President vomits on a tablecloth,

I’m gonna hang on to that tablecloth.

I’m not gonna send it to the cleaners.

Uh, Oliver, what-what-- (clears throat)

What exactly--

Elliot, the point is this:

The vomit is gone.

The vomit is gone!

No record of what he ate, how much he ate,

or how much he vomited.

All we have is this tape. Now watch.

Up.

Back. Up.

Back, up.

-Back, back. -Stop playing it.

-Can I have a glass of water? -Just a minute.

Now, based on the still from frame 235,

we’ve prepared this.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

I don’t know.

An awful lot of vomit for one person,

don’t you think?

Oliver, look. I have another meeting.

How-how can I help you?

I just want you...

to ask yourself three questions:

Who was there?

Who stood to gain by making the President throw up?

And who had the means to pull it off?

I don’t know, Japanese?

In their own banquet hall? No. Think.

Who stood to gain?

-Lee Iacocca? -Bingo.

The man wins a cigar.

Oliver, look. The last three years,

you have really been going non-stop.

I mean, Talk Radio, The Doors, JFK.

I mean, maybe this is your time

to just kick back and relax a little.

God knows you earned it.

You don’t get it, do you?

You just don’t get it.

(phone rings)

Yes?

Oh, my God.

They’ve done it again.

What?

The President has wet his pants.

I’ve got a plane to catch.

Wow.

Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

(audience applaud, cheer)

Man: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schnieder,

David Spade,

and featuring Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest, Nirvana.

And starring, Rob Morrow.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Morrow!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Wow. "Saturday Night Live" man.

Got to love it. (Crowd cheering)

I’m sure, I’m sure most of you are thinking the reason

I’m hosting this show is because I’m on "Northern Exposure".

And well, this is, this is true.

It’s been getting a lot of press.

And well, there’s just a little more to it than that.

See, unless you don’t know, a bit of a secret,

I’ve actually done the show before.

Yeah, it’s a simple case of,

I mean, I guess they liked what I did and they asked me back.

I’ve made my first appearance, it was 1980.

I was in a classic piece called "The Substitute Judge".

Let’s see, it was and Gilda,

there was Jane, Gary, Bill Murray,

oh, and Rodney Dangerfield was actually the defendant.

I wonder if we could-- Hey, Davey,

do you think we could roll that clip?

I mean I saw it, they have it, there’s Gareth Morris

and let’s see, there’s Rodney and wait, there’s me,

wait, stop the tape, right there.

Here we go. (Crowd laughing)

That’s me. (Crowd cheering)

It brings back memories, so many memories.

I mean, there I was a struggling young actor,

just moved to New York, I come to "Saturday Night Live"

to audition for the part of Jury number 12.

I guess I did pretty well because right away,

and I mean, like right away,

I was re-cast in the role of juror number 11.

And this is a real break for a young actor, okay?

This is a major break.

’Cause as juror number 11,

I get the chance to do some ensemble work

with Billy and Lorraine.

And these are given actors.

I got to tell you, this is a young actor’s dream.

Well, for a while, I thought they had forgotten

about the work I’ve done for the show,

but sure enough, 12 years later,

the phone rings and here I am.

I must tell you, it’s great to be back.

Actually, I had a little more work to do tonight.

I have some lines, and some special business,

if you watch really closely, I’m sure you’ll see me.

We have a great show. We have Nirvana!

(Crowd cheering) (Applause)

Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

Oh, it’s moron. How are you?

Hey, idiot. Fancy meeting you here.

Well, I would never have come if I knew alpha breath

was gonna be here. (Crowd laughing)

Well, you’re gonna live with it once you oh-smelly-one.

So what have you been doing lately

eating your plus-sized zits?

(Crowd laughing) Well, no stinky.

I just finished a book about you.

Is that right, Count Fagula? (Crowd laughing)

Yeah, it’s called, "The Life and Times of a Man with No Penis".

(Crowd laughing) It’s pretty good.

Well, I’m glad you found time to read for a change

instead of sniffing your finger all day like you always do.

(Crowd laughing)

Hey, if it isn’t Mr. Douche and Mr. Bag.

The Pinnacle twins. (Crowd laughing)

-How are you? -Pretty good, booger belly,

considering the fact that I just got finished

shaving your mom’s back. (Crowd laughing)

And how about you, Johnny Dingleberry?

Still having those fantasies about sniffing Ed Asner’s feet?

Oh, easy there, Sergeant Skidmarks.

Actually, I’ve been too busy picking on my little hairs

out of your sister’s teeth.

Hey, pit stakes!

Hey, where the hell is our slices?

Coming right up, used and a lot of stink.

(Crowd laughing)

Okay. I got pepperoni for sir scrotum...

and I got onion slice for the hemorrhoid king.

(Crowd laughing)

And I got anchovies for Michael Wang.

And electra cheese for Mr. Herpes simplex. Enjoy.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t Skank Fest ’92.

What brings you defects here?

We wanted to see what it’s like to watch four giant gerbils

stuffing mutants eating pizza.

And you know what? We came to the right place.

So what do you chunks

of steaming corn-infested dung up to?

Oh, just trying to keep ourselves disease-free,

you bloated yeast-ridden host bag.

We’re going to a party across town.

Do you chicken-choking losers want to come?

With you scab-picking tuna queens? Sure.

-Yeah. -Let’s go.

Hope you all get killed tonight you sons and bitches.

Sticks and stones may break their bones.

But, apparently, names will never hurt.

Okay, girls, tomorrow night,

Delta Delta Delta pledge meeting, 7:00.

-Don’t be late. -Okay. Bye.

This is such a cute Calvin Klein skirt.

Oh, my God, I’m so mad at Jamie for quitting ROTC.

Your eye make-up looks so good.

That is such a good color on you.

Thanks. It’s my mom’s.

She works for Lancome.

I hope to God they don’t test it on animals.

These big companies don’t care about anything.

God, you’re earrings make your whole head sparkle.

Thank you.

I know. It’s so scary.

I mean, I can’t even go outside

and breathe the air without being scared.

I know. It’s so scary.

Do you have any gum?

(phone rings) It’s ringing.

-Oh, God, get it. -Okay, I will.

Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help you, help you, help you?

No way.

Thank you for telling us. You’re a best friend.

That was Sarah.

She said she just saw Meg

running and screaming across the campus.

She’s on her way here now!

Oh, my God, my God! Oh, my God!

-Oh, God. -Oh, yeah.

Where is she?

God, I’m so broken out.

Oh.

What is wrong?

You guys, the worst thing just happened to me.

-What happened? -I’m trying to tell you.

-Okay, then tell me. -Okay.

Here is the nightmare of my life.

I just made an F on my Speech file on Nicaragua.

I swear my teacher hates me.

-She’s so jealous of me. -Oh, my God, Nicaragua. Let me hear it.

Okay.

Here it goes.

Okay, you guys, can I please just say one thing?

I’m so serious.

Nicaragua, one of the six nations

in Central American isthmus is in such bad shape.

Everybody thinks so.

Meg, is that your-- That is such a good speech.

Your teacher is such a bitch.

Meg, your hair looks so cute that way.

Thank you. You are so nice.

You have no split-ends.

You guys, can I just say one thing?

I know exactly how you feel.

-Are you guys hungry? I am. Are you? I am. I am so hungry. -Wait a minute.

Hey, wait, look, I have some Ho Hos.

Oh, my God, I really love those.

Look, I know you’re really bummed out

and you’re probably gonna flunked Speech

but something much worse happened to me.

Last semester, in Geology class,

we’re studying rocks or whatever,

and everybody hated me because I couldn’t tell the difference

between halite and calcite.

I mean, I know that halite has salt

and I was trying to taste it and my hands started swelling,

oh, my God, and I couldn’t tell

if I was tasting the salt in my hands

or the salt on the rocks!

Oh, my God, that is so sad.

There is no way!

-Hugs! -Definitely!

You guys are the best friends I ever had.

Do you want to order pizza? I do. Do you?

We should get a pizza. Let’s get one.

-Do you want to get a pizza? -That’s such a good idea.

Okay.

Ladies, Dick is having a mix at 5 bucks ahead,

10 kegger of party parte, burgers on the grill,

Jack’s band, it’s gonna rock all night,

party naked till you puke.

Okay.

All right.

-Okay. -All right.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

He’s so cute.

I was paralyzed.

I heard that he drives an emerald green Porsche.

Oh, my God.

Could you die?

-I felt like he loved you. -I swear he’s loving you.

No, he was loving you.

Oh, my God, he hated me.

I can’t believe he so completely so hated me.

What should we get on the pizza? Mushrooms?

What are you wearing to Valentine’s Day?

Oh, my God.

Announcer: Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

Good evening.

I’m Kevin Harvey Nealon and I’m acting alone.

Our lead story tonight,

President Bush returned home Thursday

after trade agreements were completed with Japan.

Bush confers about possible tax hikes telling the press,

"Wipe my lips. No new taxes."

Frightening as the incident with President Bush was,

Americans were reminded once again of the incredible security

that surrounds the Chief Executive.

Within seconds of the President’s vomiting,

a secret serviceman was at his side with Bedpan One.

Back at home, the Democratic candidates began to debate

how they would have vomited in Japan

had they been president at that time.

In an attempt to improve our economy

and make America more competitive,

the President took 21 corporate executives with him to Japan

including the chairman of GM, Ford, and Chrysler.

For a short while, our economy did improve

but then they all came back.

President Bush is shown here selling America

as a tourist attraction on British TV.

Uh, he’s in much demand as an advertising personality.

In Japan, he opened the Toys R US store,

showed off the latest state-of-the-art camera,

and then demonstrated the durability

of the silicone gel breast implant.

FDA officials urge doctors to stop using

silicone breast implants until an expert panel can consider

new information about their safety.

This move by FDA officials came under mediate fire

from TNA officials.

The alternative saline implants filled with saltwater

are safer than silicone but apparently less popular

because when they’re pulled on too much,

they hardened and turned to toughie.

And in a related story,

a recent survey showed Los Angeles

as being the U.S. breast implant capital of the world,

where one in four breast implants are performed.

I guess they go to another city to get the other one done.

I’m not sure how that works.

Although famous celebrities admitting to having implants,

Cher, Jessica Hahn and Dizzy Gillespie.

Here to comment on the social impact of the FDA’s decision

is Weekend Updatecorrespondent, Jan Brady.

-Jan? -(audience applauding)

Hey, I’m Jan Brady.

You know, for years,

women have been spending a ton of money

on silicone breast implants

and various other cosmetics surgeries.

Well, when I was 12 years old,

I wanted to be more like my older sister Marsha.

All I heard all day long

was how great Marsha was at this,

and how great Marsha was at that.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.

I was tired of being Marsha’s shadow all the time.

Okay.

The really horrible part of it is that this week,

the FDA asked doctors to stop using silicone breast implants.

Isn’t that terrible?

See, there was another time

when I was tired of looking like everybody else,

I was always Marsha’s younger sister

or Cindy’s older sister.

I was in the middle.

And being in the middle is like being invisible.

So I went to the store and I bought myself a wig,

a brown wig.

And then I went to Lucy Winter’s birthday party

and all the kids laughed at me.

They thought my wig was a joke.

See, everybody,

changing your appearance just leads to ultimate humiliation

and breast implants are just downright dangerous.

So please accept your bodies the way they are.

Jan, Jan, correct me if I’m wrong.

I mean, you are only 13.

Maybe that’s so.

But I do know when people are doing harmful things

to their bodies.

Like one time,

I saw my brother Greg in the schoolyard

with some other guys and he was smoking.

Okay, all right, Jan. Easy, easy there now.

No. He was smoking.

Hey, maybe I’ve saved Greg’s life.

Did you ever think about that, Kevin?

-Huh? Did you? -Okay. It’s all right. Okay. All right.

-I got to go. See you later. -All right. Okay.

Good luck.

I think it’s that whole middle child thing, you know?

Democratic presidential hopeful Jerry Brown announced last week

that in an effort to increase contributions to his campaign,

he is establishing an 800 number for phone-in donations.

Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy later announced

he will have a 976 number for the same purpose.

-Yeah. -Well, this week,

Mario Cuomo rejected a move by Democratic Party leaders

to draft him into the presidential race.

Cuomo said he now wants to devote himself full-time

to deciding whether or not to run in ’96.

And in Washington,

the lights went out for two hours Monday night

due to a power failure.

Unfortunately, congress was out of session,

so there were no reports of sexual assaults.

And former Washington Mayor Marion Barry

allegedly had a female visitor performed oral sex on him

while in the visiting room at his prison last Sunday.

Officials searched Barry thoroughly afterwards,

just to make sure it wasn’t some elaborate way

of passing him a file.

And now for the feature perspective

is news correspondent Victoria Jackson.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There is a current fad that is offending me,

dumb blonde jokes.

Not because I’m blonde but because they’re not funny.

Here’s a few that my friends told me that I’ve analyzed.

Number one.

What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row?

A wind tunnel.

Well, like, I think that means they can’t win

and that’s really mean.

Number two.

Some blondes went to Disneyland

and they saw a sign that said, "Disneyland left."

So they went home.

So then what happened? What’s the punch line?

Number three.

What do you call a brunette

who’s standing between two blondes?

An interpreter.

I don’t get it, if they’re all Americans.

Number four.

What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

Goes home.

Well, of course, you go home.

You have to change your clothes before you go to work.

Hey, Victoria. I got one. I got one.

-What? - Tell me what you think.

Why do dumb blondes wear shoulder pads?

Hmm, I don’t know. Why?

-Oh, Victoria Jackson. -Why.

-Thank you, Victoria. -Why?

-Why? I don’t get it? Tell me. -It’s too long. It’s too long.

Why?

In an effort to save timber jobs in the Northwest,

the Fish and Wildlife Service

proposed removing the rare spotted owl

from the endangered species list.

They added that the endangered species act

will still protect the older liver spotted owls.

The Post Office has announced

a new stamp commemorating Elvis Presley.

The stamp will be used

to mail packages weighing over 250 pounds.

(clears throat)

The Post Office officials say the stamp

would be a picture of Elvis

on a small square of crushed velvet.

Oliver Stone’s JFK film has rekindled the controversies

surrounding the assassination of President Kennedy.

The FBI announced today that Tonight’s Showsidekick,

Ed McMahon, maybe indited for being the third gunman.

(audience laughs)

They presented this actual audio tape

of the three gunshots as their key piece of evidence.

-(gun fires) -There’s gunshot number one.

-(gun fires) -There’s gunshot number two.

-And here comes number three. -(gun fires)

Man: Yes.

(audience applauding)

Georgian President Zviad Gamsakhurdia...

(audience laughs)

finally fled his republics in battle capital Tbilisi Monday

and crossed into neighboring Armenia.

-That’s Armenia. -(audience laughs)

You may recall that rebels Gamsakhurdia,

uh, they ousted him last month

after they realized his name

was just too difficult to pronounced.

(audience laughs)

According to an industry newsletter,

complaints about airline service has reached a 20-year low

but once stranded PanAm ticketholders

find their way back home,

an increase is inspected, expected and possibly inspected.

(audience laughs)

1991 marked the second warmest temperature year on record.

Scientists verify their findings by going to the North Pole

and sticking a thermometer up the Earth’s axis.

(audience laughs)

Former New York Mets pitching great Tom Seaver

was elected this week into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

(audience applause)

Joining Seaver

will be surrealist painter Salvador Dali.

(audience laughs)

You know, a lot of people were disappointed

Pete Rose wasn’t considered.

But things actually turned out pretty good for Pete

since he had a 100 on Tom to win.

(audience laughs)

Well, finally, minutes after pleading not guilty

on corruption charges at the Manila Courthouse,

Imelda Marcos announced

that she will be running for president of the Philippines

in their upcoming May elections.

Marcos apparently didn’t realize that it’s customary in politics

to be elected to office first

and then go to court on corruption charges.

-(audience laughs) -I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

(audience applauding)

Announcer: And now,

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(audience laughing)

* Another year Has come and gone *

* And still we’re at the ranch *

* And as the new year Faces us *

* A cowboy ponders change *

* I decided this year I quit smoking for good *

* I’ve given up red meat And butter *

* I’m gonna alternate shots Of tequila *

* With a big In a tumbler of water *

* Well I won’t take a whisk *

* On the campfire this year *

* And if I get married I’ll show up *

* And I’m gonna watch Where has been when I chew *

* This may be the year That we grow up *

* Hoppy-tie-ay Hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be A better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie-ay Hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* Gonna be a better cowboy *

* I’m gonna make sex And expression of love *

* And not just The means of escape *

(audience laughs)

* I’m gonna stay out Of those romantic flings *

* That are often mistaken For rape *

(audience laughs)

* And let’s keep our hands Off the cattle this year *

* And not just ’Cause they had us arrested *

* It’s bad enough that They’re all gonna be killed *

* They don’t need to be touched Or molested *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be a better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie-ay hippy-hoop Tie-ay-oh *

* Gonna be a better cowboy *

* Well, I’m not gonna shoot At your feet any more *

* Yell in, dance, Little sissy boy, dance *

* And when you take the break *

* I won’t holler stampede *

* when I see that you drop In your pants *

* I’m gonna get over depression This year *

* And stop cursing The day I was born *

* And I won’t be turning My saddle around *

* And ride down the trail On the horse *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be a better cowboy *

* Hoppy-tie *

* Ay hippy-hoop tie-ay-oh *

* I’m gonna be *

* A better cowboy *

(audience applauding)

Is-is this heaven?

Yes, Henry. Welcome.

(chuckles) Then I made it.

Well, not quite.

There are just few more questions we must ask

before you finally enter.

Are you God?

No. I am Saint Peter.

This is Archangel Michael.

And this is Archangel Gabriel.

I’m very pleased to meet you.

But what questions could you have of me?

Henry, do you think you led a good life?

I tried to. I’m sure I didn’t do as well as others.

I certainly I didn’t do even, when I myself was capable of

but I-I think that ultimately I left the world

having done more good than evil,

at least I hope so anyway.

What do you think of Silence of the Lambs?

(audience laughs)

The movie?

Yeah. Did you like it? Did you see it?

What do you think?

Well, overall, I thought it was pretty good.

It’s really scary at the end. I mean, my heart was pounding.

Yeah, but didn’t you think there were some big holes in the plot?

Yeah, like didn’t you wonder

why Jodie Foster went after the guy at the end

instead calling for back up?

Yeah, I did think that was a little--

Well, and how does the guy open a police handcuffs

with just a little broken piece of a ballpoint pen?

I mean, come on.

Well, you know, I know there were things like that

but I-I think if you buy the whole idea

that it just carries you along,

you know, it worked for me, guys.

Wasn’t Jodie Foster great?

All right.

The next one is a two-part question.

What are your feelings about Jesus?

And what do you think of The Addams Family?

(audience laughs)

Well, I love Jesus. I hated The Addams Family.

But the ad was good, don’t you think?

Oh, yeah. It really made you want to go see the movie.

My hats off to whoever created the trailer

for that thing.

Hey, how about the Prince of Tides?

-I liked it. -Yeah, me, too.

Yeah, well--

What, Gabriel? You didn’t like it?

I know all people have inherint worth the eyes of God

but, you know, I just can’t get passed Barbra Streisand.

(audience laughs)

I spent the whole time looking at her nails.

You know, I thought of that going in,

but going out, I was convinced.

Henry,

if you could go back and change one thing,

you know, anything at all,

what would you change about Lawrence of Arabia?

(audience laughs)

Um, I don’t think I’d change one thing.

What do you guys think of Thelma and Louise?

Ah, well, I-I thought it was good.

I mean, yeah, that was good.

Ah, had a good message, I thought.

What did you think?

I liked it really. It was good.

(audience laughs)

Henry, are you prepared

to spend the rest of eternity with God

loving him and adoring him

and rejoicing in his love for you?

Absolutely without question.

And finally, what other movies have you seen lately?

Well, I saw Hook.

Ouch!

-Amen to that. -(audience laughs)

Did anyone seen Black Robe?

-No. -Now go see it.

Really it’s good. It’s really good.

(audience applauding)

Announcer: And now

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(audience applauding)

So I heard Jerry Brown say,

"Nowadays we have just one party, the Incumbent Party!"

And I can see where he’s coming from.

You know, I don’t know.

Some of those Democrats make me appreciate Quayle.

That’s right.

Hey, this is a good place. Have you been here before?

No, I have not. But I like it already.

I know, these chairs alone.

Anyways, you know what’s interesting--

It’s outer space.

Jerry Brown.

I’m-I’m sorry.

You know, where Jerry Brown is coming from, probably--

-Oh, right. -Oh, yeah, yeah.

So okay, you know what’s good here, is the Yankee Pot Roast.

-Oh? -Yeah, that is very good here.

Oh, sounds enticing.

Yeah, you’ll think you’re in Boston,

but without the crazy cab drivers.

I’ve heard about those crazy cab drivers.

-Yeah, and they’re like-- -I think, um--

Sorry. Go ahead.

Oh. Okay. All right.

Uh, well, they’ll do anything you tell them, right?

I mean, if you’re in a hurry, it’s like the Indy 500.

I mean, I don’t know what kind of training films

they show these guys.

And you know what’s also great about Boston?

-What? -The Clam Chowder.

Oh, I love Clam Chowder.

They-they probably show them The French Connection.

-Yeah. Yeah. Right. -Uh-huh.

The-the cabbies in Boston, the training films they,

-chase scenes-- -Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Anyway, the clam chowder in Boston is truly great.

-Yeah. I bet it is. -Yeah, well-- No, I’m sure.

Hey, you know what else is great?

Going to a Red Sox game.

-Oh, sure. -Yeah.

I was there in 1986

when they lost the World Series and--

-Wow. -To the Mets?

Yeah, to the Mets.

So anyways, I’ll tell you what happened.

-Yeah, what? -Okay.

I paid $100 to a guy, right, to get a playoff game, right?

And it turned out it was a forged ticket.

-No way. -Clam chowder!

(audience laughing)

Uh, you know, I mean,

they’re always with the clam chowder

to the New Englanders.

-Yeah. -That’s--that’s very true.

-That’s very true. -Anyways, so, um--

-Did you folks need menus? -Uh, no.

I’ll just have the Yankee Pot Roast.

Sir?

Uh, does the French dip come with French fries?

Pretty much everything comes with French fries.

Okay, good.

That’s the only way I can eat French dip.

(laughter)

-Sir? -Oh, uh, just a burger.

Yeah.

So who’s out there? Who are you gonna vote for?

-I know. It’s scary. -Yeah.

There’s that Clinton guy, he seems okay.

-Is he from Florida? -No.

He’s from Arkansas.

-Who’s the one from Florida? -Pee-wee Herman.

Could we get the waiter, please, miss?

Yeah, well, she’s getting our stuff.

-I’m sorry. -Yeah?

Um, what about, uh, coffee and French fries?

What?

Well, you--you said practically everything comes with fries.

Yeah, well, actually,

not practically everything comes with fries.

-No, I know, I-- -Yeah.

(audience laughing)

So, uh, so those--those candidates

-are really something, huh? -They are.

-That Pat Buchanan guy. -Yeah.

Pat Buchanan’s got some interesting ideas.

About as interesting as David Duke’s.

Well, now that Steinbrenner is coming back,

I don’t know how it’s gonna taste.

Who was that, Dave?

What are you talking about, Dave?

The Yankee Pot Roast that I don’t know

if it’s gonna taste good.

Steinbrenner.

Right, well, that’s a possibility, Dave.

Well, what does that mean?

Well, Dave, that was, like, five subjects ago.

-(audience laughing) -Well, I’m sorry.

I’m just-- I’m not a subject counter.

Yeah, well, Dave is just a little behind.

He’s just now recently getting into rap.

Hey, did you hear Prince’s new album?

Prince? That guy’s still around?

Well, yeah, yeah. The new album’s pretty good.

The old man’s got some life in him.

Well, I’m more of a U2 gal.

Well, they’re always doing something.

Bill’s a little behind himself when he’s not being an ass.

What, Dave?

(audience laughing)

It’s just that thing you said about being a little behind.

Um, I’ve just got to stand up for a minute.

-Okay. -Okay, whatever.

Okay, the way I see it, there’s three candidates.

So these cabbies, you know, if you’re in a hurry,

it’s like the Indy 500.

I don’t know what kind of training films

they show these guys.

They probably show them The French Connection.

Right!

Hey, you know what else is great in Boston?

The clam chowder.

-Clam chowder! -That’s how they see it!

That’s how they see it.

They always order it, clam chowder!

That’s right!

(audience applauding)

I’d like to thank Nirvana.

(audience cheering)

And this incredibly gracious group of people.

Thank you, thanks for tuning in, good night.

(audience cheering)