All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E09.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

Seven minutes to air.

Right.

So, you remember when
Bill Murray came and...

...when you were the medieval
barber and he came
with his legs all broken

from being dragged
by the ox cart
after having too much mead?

Yeah. What about it?

Oh, that was awesome!

(audience laughing)

That was a loonnnggg time ago...

Steve, you want to run
lines for our scene?

Oh, we have a sketch together?

Is it on cue cards?

I guess so...

Then, what’s the problem?

(audience laughing)

Mr. Martin?

Before you go,
I was wondering...

I found this in wardrobe,

and I was wondering
if you could sign it?

It’s my old King Tut costume.

I remember this.

This was back when
the show meant something...

(audience laughing)

Back when I used to care...

Mr. Martin?

Steve?

* Something’s out there.. *

(whistles )

* Something’s in the air... *

(whistles )

* Don’t know how,
don’t know why... *

* Got a feeling
tonight’s the night, *

* I’m actually
gonna tryyyyy... *

* Not gonna phone it in
tonight... *

* Not gonna go
through the motions tonight... *

* This time I’m really gonna do
the best I caannnn... *

* Mr. Cue Card Man, put those
down over there.... *

* For some reason tonight,
I care! *

- You care?
- That’s right!

* That’s why I’m not gonna
phone it in tonight... *

* Not gonna read my screenplay
during the songs tonight.... *

(audience clapping)

* I could walk through my parts
and still be hilarious *

* I’ve done it
so often before... *

* But look at these faces,
look at this fat guy. *

* He wants more. *

* He wants moooorreeee! *

Hey, I’m not that fat!

Please!

* So many times I faked it,
just because I could... *

* I’m that gooooddd! *

You’re that good!

* But 20% won’t do tonight... *

* Mr. Martin, I’ll do
it for you tonight... *

* Gonna do something
different tonight... *

* Something says not to
just do Pat tonight.. *

* I don’t have any lines... *

* I’m not in the show *

* But something tells me
that if I were *

* I’d be raring to gooooo! *

* Not gonna get
liquored up tonight! *

* I’m not gonna have
a drink tonight! *

* I’m not gonna drink ’
till "Update" is through. *

* That’s a promise to you,
the vieweerrrr...Yes! *

* After the show, I’ll
drink ’til I spew. *

* But for now,
I’m clearheaded for youuuu! *

* I hide behind these wigs
and this makeup *

* But tonight I’m gonna
let myself shine through. *

* Yes, they’re gonna see
the real Phil Hartman tonight! *

- I wouldn’t do that, Phil.
- Okay.

(audience laughing)

Follow me, everyone!
Let’s go make an effort!

* Not gonna have
dead air tonight! *

* Gonna seem as if
we care tonightttt! *

But, Steve, why do you care?
Aren’t you rich?

* I’m worth $17 million... *

* I could buy and sell
you, and you and you, *

* a thousand times over. *

* But tonight, there’s
a show to dooooo! *

Five minutes until
the monologue, Mr. Martin.

Thanks, Joe!

* I can’t ever get fired,
I’ve got a Union job. *

(audience laughing)

* But somehow tonight,
it doesn’t matter *

* that I’m in with the mob... *

* Gonna move our big
lard-asses tonight *

* We’re gonna move our fat
teamster asses tonighttttt! *

This way!

Steve, what’s going on?

Oh, we’re going to do
our best tonight, Lorne!

But, the show’s on automatic
pilot. I don’t even come in
until Saturday.

Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not
the way it was in the 70’s.

Back in the 70’s, people cared.

They, they believed
in something!

Now it’s the 80’s, and
everything’s yuppie, yuppie,
yuppie... spend, spend, spend!

Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Whatever. The point is...

* I’ve always wanted to see *

* How good I could be *

* I just want to know *

* Then go, Steve, gooooo! *

* And do a great shoooowwwwww! *

(audience clapping)

Thank you, Lorne.
I’ve never felt so alive!

God, I feel young again!
I feel 38!

Come, on everybody!

* We’re gonna learn our
lines, do our parts well, *

* then we’ll go back
to coasting *

* But not while
Steve’s host *

* Cuz we’re... *

* Not gonna
phone it in tonight *

* Not gonna sleepwalk
through tonight *

* I made it happen! *

* Steve made it happen! *

* Now it’s in sight! *

* Now it’s in sight! *

* Live, from New York! *

Line?

(audience laughing)

* It’s Saturday Night! *

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music)

(Announcer:)
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey!

Chris Farley!

Phil Hartman!

Victoria Jackson!

Mike Myers!

Kevin Nealon!

Chris Rock!

Julia Sweeney!

Ellen Cleghorne!

Siobhan Fallon!

Tim Meadows!

Adam Sandler!

Rob Schneider!

David Spade!

And featuring Beth Cahill!

Melanie Hutsell!

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band!

Musical guests: James Taylor!

And starring: Steve Martin!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve Martin!

(audience cheering)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, it’s
alright, it’s alright!

(audience clapping and cheering)

Good evening, good evening,
and welcome to
"Saturday Night Live"!

First of all, I want to wish you
all a happy holidays,

and I say happy holidays because
I mean it whether you celebrate

Christmas or Hanukkah or even
some other weird astrology cult
that you believe in

but everyone
else knows is hogwash.

(audience laughing)

I love being back here
on the show, with a cast
I love so much,

the regulars: Kevin, Dana,
Phil, uh... Victoria,

and the newer cast members:
Ramone, Tina, uh...

Frosty and... Spunky.

(audience laughing)

A lot of hosts wouldn’t bother
to learn the cast’s names,

but I think being a celebrity
carries with it some
responsibility.

For example, when people come
up to me in restaurants and say,

"I can see that you’re eating,
but I was wondering if I could

have your autograph for my
eight-year-old on her birthday."

I always grab the genitalia and
pull down with a quick snap and
release!

Never with a slow tight grip
like some celebrities do.

You know, I’ve been doing
a lot of interviews lately,

because I’ve got a new movie
coming out, and I think

that one of the most commonly
asked questions I get is,

"Steve, do you have a lot of
creative input into the movies
you do?"

Well, actually...
yes.

For example, I have a movie
coming out next Friday called
"Father of the Bride".

(audience cheering)

When the Disney studios called
me up to ask me if I would be

interested in doing
"Father of the Bride", I said,

"Well... which role?"

(audience laughing)

And they said,
"Well, the bride."

(audience laughing)

And I said, "What if
we went the other way?

What if I played the father?"

And they said,
"Hmm.. interesting."

And then as I’m talking
to them, I realized,

if I play the father, I don’t
get to wear the white dress.

So I say, "Do you think there’s
a place in the movie where
I could wear the white dress?

Say, at the wedding, or
something like that?"

And they say, "Well, really,
the bride should wear the white
dress.."

And I say, "Could we both
wear the white dress?

I mean, you know, could
we shoot it both ways?"

And that’s what we did, and they
decided ultimately to go with me
in the suit,

and I think
that was the right choice.

But I do have a photo of
the scene that was cut out,

and I’d like you take a look
at it, could you put that up,
please?

(audience cheering)

I thought it worked,
but, you know, they think
they’re big shots. Okay!

We have a great show tonight,
James Taylor is here!

(audience cheering)

And we’ll be right back!

(audience cheering and clapping)

This is a great house-sitting
deal that you’ve found.

This place is a dump.

Just wait till you
see the pool.

No water?

(music)

You two look like
you need to get wet.

Thank you!

(audience laughing)

(Narrator:)
If you’ve got a big thirst
and you’re gay,

reach for a cold, tall bottle
of Schmitts GAY.

- I’m gonna like house-sitting.
- Uh, yeah!

(audience cheering)

(Announcer:)
Once again, it’s time

for America’s most
unpredictable game show,
Suckerpunch!

And here’s Mr. Suckerpunch
himself, Chet Mutelle.

(audience cheering)

Alright, thank you,
and welcome to Suckerpunch!

Now let’s meet our first
Suckerpunch contestant,

Scott Fellstad! Scott.

(clapping)

Scott, welcome to Suckerpunch!

Uh, I’m sorry, what’s
the name of the show?

Suckerpunch.

(audience laughing)

Sorry, Scott, you didn’t win,
but that was a nice try.

Now let’s meet Christy Reynolds.

Christy, how was it that
you came to join us here
on Suckerpunch?

Well, I’m standing in line
for the Tonight Show

and then a page said they were
getting new contestants for...

...a new game show.

Hmm... Well, thanks
for joining us Christy.

Now let’s take a look
at the Suckerpunch board.

Categories are: American
History, Shakespeare,

Television Trivia
and Suckerpunches.

Christy, which
category do you choose?

I’ll take American--

Sorry the category was
Suckerpunches, Suckerpunches.

Okay, now our third contestant
is Bob Van Arks from Racine,
Wisconsin,

but before we talk to Bob,

let’s meet our audience
member in the isolation booth,

Mark Strobel, come on down Mark.

Here we go, Mark.

Now the isolation booth is
totally soundproof,
am I right, Mark?

That’s correct.

You can take off the blindfold
now and here’s your question.

PT Barnum once said this type
of person was born every minute.

- Oh, I know that, a sucker.
- That’s right.

(audience laughing)

Now, let’s explain the
rules for Suckerpunch.

Basically, whatever I say goes.

Contestants were chosen at
random from the ticket lines
at the Tonight Show.

Employees of NBC, their families
or anyone who has ever seen
Suckerpunch is ineligible.

Okay, let’s meet Bob Van Arks.

Whoa, relax a little
bit there, Bob.

I’ll tell you what,
why don’t we relax,

and I’ll talk to our returning
champion, Sabrina Boyd.

Hi Chet.

Sabrina, this is your
eighth week back.

That’s right!

Alright Sabrina, you’re
still our champion!

Now, tell us what you’ve won.

Well, it looks like I’ve won
about $300... Oooh!

And a Diners Club card!

(audience clapping)

Oh, congratulations!

Well, that’s it for Suckerpunch.

This is Chet Futell saying,
"Hey your shoelace is untied."

Goodnight.

(audience cheering and clapping)

(classical music)

(Narrator:)
The British Theater Alliance
presents "Theatre Stories"

with your host,
Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Hello, I’m Kenneth Reese-Evans,
and welcome to another episode,

of, uh, "Theatre Stories"!

Our guests tonight are
Sir William Sindren Steven
Smythe Cursey,

or "Nobby", as he’s
known at the Old Vic...

Hello! Always a pleasure!

And our next guest,
is an actress whose 1931 debut

at the Royal Shakespeare...

...was described as both
Dionysian and unabashedly
insane!

I’m speaking of course
of Dame Sarah Kensington!

I heard my name!

They’re calling me again!

Yes.

And finally, Hollywood film
actor and American child star,

Mickey Rooney.

I was the number one star
in the world! You hear me?

Bang! The world!

Yes, of course.

Yes, yes.

Now, just before
the show started,

Nobby here was telling us all
a story here of Sir Laurence...

Olivier.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Larry was performing in
the American motion picture

"Marathon Man" and Dustin
Hoffman came to the set

one morning looking
absolutely wretched!

And Olivier said, "You
look absolutely wretched!"

And Dustin said, "Well, I’ve
stayed awake for 24 hours,

because at this
point in the picture,

my character has
been up all night."

And Sir Laurence
quipped, "Oh, Dusty!

Why don’t you try acting?"

Oh, ho, very good!

Well, Dustin shoots back,
"Act on this, you old
English fag!"

(audience laughing)

Shame! Shame!

And then, Sir Larry retorts,
"I want a meal, not a snack!"

Very clever.

And the American replies,
"Self-serve buddy!"

Shame!

And then Olivier takes
a beat, as only Larry can, and
he said something, so perfect!

So absolutely perfect!

(audience laughing)

Oh, incidentally,
for your edification,

I tried to sell a script
to Mr. Dustin Hoffman,

and he never called me back.

And I’ve been in the business
for 68 years. You hear me?

I was the number one star...

...in the world! Bang!
The world!

(audience laughing)

I made $200,000 in 1937
and by 1945, I was broke.

I went to my accountant
and I said, "I’m broke."

And he said, "Mickey,
you can’t be broke.

You were the number one star...

...in the world!"
You hear me? Bang!

In the world!

Yes, I quite agree.

I’ve been married five times
to the same wonderful man!

Yes, yes.

That reminds me of a story
that is in no way related!

(audience laughing)

I was working
with Sir John Gielgud,

in a production
of "Troilus and Cressida"

when I discovered I had

NO CONTROL OVER
THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

Really, really!

You know, I’ve always felt that
John Gielgud had a certain,

as the French say,
"I-don’t-know what".

I was playing Lady Macbeth
to John Gielgud’s Othello

in a production of
"The Tempest",

and who should I see
in the front row, taking notes,

but Mr. Potato Head!

(audience laughing)

And the thing that struck me
about Mr. Potato Head was that

his facial features were
completely interchangeable.

(audience laughing)

Yes, yes, yes. Of course,

a little bit sly,
that Mr. Potato Head.

Tell me, Mr. Rooney!

Who is your favorite
leading lady?

Look, I’m four foot eight, I
was never gonna romance Miss Kim
Novak,

but I had the pleasure of
performing with the lovely
Miss Judy Garland.

So I’m not bitter.
You see, that’s how it works.

So I’m not a freak.

I was a number one star...

...in the world! You hear me?

Bang! The world!

In 1965, I called Warner Bros.
and I said,

"This is Mickey Rooney.
I need a job."

The bastard hung up on me.

What a fascinating story,
you ghastly American!

Bang!

(audience laughing)

I’m just glad I like women!

What are you getting at?

Yes, yes.

Why don’t you go away somewhere
and have an American hot-a-dog!

(audience laughing)

You know, I remember a
performance of "Richard III"

during the war, and right in
the middle of the second act,

we took a direct hit
from the Nazi buzz bomb.

I looked up and saw the ceiling
crashing down on me, and I went,

"Aaahh!"

And I soiled myself.

(audience laughing)

Heh, well, I don’t blame you.

I would have done
the same had I seen that.

I don’t mean then,
I mean just now.

When I went, "Aaahh!"
Excuse me...

(audience laughing and clapping)

Yes, yes, of course.

That was fascinating,
but the rest of the story
will have to wait

BECAUSE THAT’S
ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!

So we’ll see you next
week on "THEATRE STORIES"!

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music)

(Announcer:)
Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon

(audience cheering)

Good evening,
I’m Kevin Kennedy Nealon.

and that’s a damnable lie.

Our top story tonight.

The Soviet Union is dead.

In lieu of flowers, it’s asked
that you send food
and Levi 501’s.

(audience laughing)

Five central Asian Republics
have decided to join the new
Soviet Commonwealth

following the Republics
of Russia, Ukraine
and Belorussia.

The new ones are Kazakhstan,
Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan,

Uzbekistan and Tajikistan.

(audience laughing)

In what many are calling
his final humiliation,

Mikhail Gorbachev this week was
traded to the New York Yankees
for two rookie outfielders.

(audience laughing)

The new CIA Chief and former
agency criminologist Robert
Gates said today

that the Soviet Union may
collapse sometime in the middle
1990’s.

(audience laughing)

Conservative Republican Pat
Buchanan announced his candidacy
for president this week,

proclaiming his slogan
"America First".

Meanwhile President Bush was
preparing his campaign

and proclaiming his slogan
"American when I have the time."

(audience laughing and clapping)

Political pollsters said they
had to remove the option of
undecided

from all presidential election
polls this year.

Apparently people filling
the polls out have been afraid

that marking "undecided" could
be interpreted as a vote
for Mario Cuomo.

(audience laughing)

Salman Rushdie emerged from
hiding this week and made a
surprise visit to New York City

where he spoke at Columbia
University.

Rushdie said he plans to
go ahead with the paperback
publication of "Satanic Verses".

Weekend Update was fortunate
enough to get an advanced copy

and here’s what it looks like...

(audience laughing)

Alright.

As the freed hostages adjust
to their new lives back home,

psychologists are warning that
their re-entry to a changed
world

must be gentle and gradual.

When they are safely
readjusted to society,

only then will they be
told about Dan Quayle.

(audience laughing and clapping)

After a faulty switch box
failed to light the White House
Christmas tree,

President Bush tried to fix it
by hitting and jiggling the box.

Finally the method was
effective and the tree lit up
beautifully.

Bush immediately suggested
putting the US economy
in the box and jiggling that.

(audience laughing)

Well for those of you who missed
the William Kennedy Smith trial,

here are the highlights:

O-bar, massage, towel, too soft,

panties , sand, bruises, Teddy,
base, lasagna, not guilty.

(audience laughing)

Before the verdict was read,
Judge Mario... uh, sorry,

Mary Lupo, was instructed that
no emotions be shown
in the court room.

But upon hearing the not guilty
decision, Willy jumped up,

spread out a towel and
hugged his attorney.

(audience laughing)

Earlier in a shameful
display of tackiness,

local merchants and vendors had
taken advantage of the trial
by selling everything

from souvenir trial t-shirts to
high priced advertising space.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Most of North America was
reported missing this morning

during a routine weather report.

Alarmed investigators are
questioning neighboring Mexico.

To observe tomorrow’s Bill
of Rights 200th anniversary,

I’d like to take this time to
demonstrate freedom of speech.

Chucks, chucks, booga booga
booga, ooh, ooh, wooh hoo hoo!

Show ’em your
grandmothers underwear!

Now that’s what
makes America great.

See that’s something you
cannot do in any other country.

(audience laughing)

You know there’s a lot of people
out there who think they’re
really something,

but they’re not.

And to them I’d like to say
be very, very careful,
because maybe one day,

you may just turn out
to be something you’re not.

(audience laughing)

Inventor Robert Kearns has won
a lawsuit against Chrysler

for its infringement on his
patent of the intermittent
windshield wipers.

Victory is expected to result
in other inventors

suing over similar features
of Chrysler cars including
intermittent engines,

intermittent brakes
and intermittent seatbelts.

(audience laughing)

And if you’re into
expensive Christmas gifts,

here’s a suggestion:
the new Swiss army car.

It has 101 uses besides driving.

Smooth Joe Camel is
in serious condition today.

Doctors had to perform emergency
surgery after they discovered

his trademark camel humps were
actually two giant tumors

caused by years
of compulsive smoking.

Following the surgery, Camel
announced that they would be
changing the brand name

to Llama.

(audience laughing)

And now here’s Weekend
Update’s Travel Correspondent,

- Adam Sandler. Adam.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks, Kevin. Hello everybody.

Saturday Night Live recently
sent me to Disney World

in Orlando, Florida to find out
if it’s a good place

for our home viewers to take
a holiday vacation,

and I gotta tell you,
it was just awesome!

I got there on Thursday,
and my head was killing me
cuz I hate to fly.

I knew I needed
something to eat,

so I went right into
my hotel room and order up
a grilled cheese sandwich,

man, it really hit the spot!

So much cheese and it was the
really melty kind of cheese
and it was amazing!

I felt better after
eating I said,

"Let me check out
this Disney World."

So I headed out to the door
and started my way towards
the kingdom,

but like halfway down the hall
I heard someone’s TV was on,

and they were watching Green
Acres, that’s my favorite show,

so I bolted back to my room
and flipped the channels
and sure enough

Nickelodeon was running
the Green Acres marathon!

Man, I was set for the night!

Man, that show is, is so funny,
especially that character Eddie,

he is so stupid!

All I could think of was,
"I love Disney World!

It’s great!"

Um, after that I went
straight to sleep.

The next morning I got dressed
and I got on an elevator

to go down to the monorail that
takes you to the Magic Kingdom.

On the elevator, they had this
great security camera

and I was singing into it,
"Have a holly jolly Christmas."

I like that song a lot.

That to me is the best...
Surveillance camera,

a guy’s song, you know,
it bugs them, you know.

That’s wise.

Uh, then it was definitely time
to hit the amusement rides.

I figured, I’d uh, you know,
walk over cuz it was a nice day

but I started getting tired.

But luckily there was
this McDonalds on the way

that has some
pretty nice rides itself.

I started on the slide,
it was only seven feet long

but it was like 9 feet wide
which left you plenty of room

and a whirl to do like
some crazy stuff.

So, if sliding down
wasn’t fun enough,

you should have seen me trying
to run up in my socks, man.

I couldn’t make it,
it was so slippery.

Not to mention I was
laughing so hard.

(audience laughing)

Then came the best ride
of all, the Mayor McCheese
spring bouncer.

Oh, I must have sat
on his head for an hour

bouncing up and down,
I was out of control.

Then, I imagine what would it be
like if I were Mayor McCheese?

First, I would order
the hamburger let it be
put to death.

If only I could catch him.

It’s just not fair.

He steals burgers and
who pays for his crimes?

The people of McDonaldland.

The people who elected me
Mayor McCheese.

Then, I thought if I were
Mayor McCheese,

my head would be
made of chopped meat.

And I’d have a bun on my head,
that freaked me out a little.

So I rushed back
to my hotel room and I looked
in the mirror,

and thank God, you know,
my head was still normal.

I learned a lot about
myself in Disney World.

All in all, I find Disney World
to be the perfect vacation.
Kevin.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Travel
Correspondent Adam Sandler.

(audience cheering and clapping)

And as a reminder,
only 10 shoplifting days
until Christmas.

According to US Postal
Service in Columbus, Ohio,

a worker jokingly programmed
a scanner to print
"you bitch"

on 10,000 envelopes that were
supposed to carry
a holiday message.

The prank went unnoticed and all
10,000 letters were delivered
to Leona Helmsley.

(audience laughing)

Consumer Watchdog Group now
says that if you play Madonna’s
records backwards,

you hear satanic messages.

The good news is if you
play her videos backwards,

she puts her clothes on
and abstains from sex.

(audience laughing)

New York City officials are once
again cautioning tourists during
the holiday season

that if you see a man
in a red velvet suit calling,
"Ho, ho, ho,"

make sure he is a sidewalk Santa
and not a pimp drumming up
business.

(audience laughing)

Well Einstein’s
theory of relativity,

which postulates that people
age more slowly when traveling
through space

was proven wrong this week with
the release of Star Trek 6.

(audience laughing)

You know I’ve seen Cocoon twice
and this is the same picture.

Alright, and in other
entertainment news,

Tristar’s long awaited Hook
opened this week
across the nation.

I’m Kevin Nealon and
that’s news to me.

(music and audience cheering)

(Announcer:)
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey

(Male voice:)
It’s too bad that whole
families have to be torn apart

by something as simple
as wild dogs.

(audience laughing)

Your grandma just sees me as
the latest in your series
of girlfriends!

No way! She likes you.

And what’s that
name you call her?

- Pugga. Grandma Pugga.
- Right, Pugga.

But she’s got all those cats.

I’m wearing my black dress, I’m
gonna get cat hair all over it.

Oh, come on!

(rings doorbell)

All we have to do is stay
for a few minutes and make her
happy.

Then we won’t have to come
for Christmas.

Okay, okay.

Oh, it’s you!

It’s Timmy, and uh?

Tracy. Hi, Pugga.

Tracy, of course, come on in.
I don’t let the cats out here.

Come on in, welcome.
Welcome.

Here, let me hung up
your coat for you, Tracy.

Thank you.

Your mother told me you might
come by so I made your favorite
buckwheat waffles!

Here they are. Look at that.

Oh, grandma, we can
only stay a minute.

Oh, that’s okay, Tim, we can
stay long enough to have waffles
with your grandma.

Well, Timmy! Looks like
you picked out a good one.

She’s a good one,
you be good to her.

Here we go. Nice and hot.

It looks good.

Hey, uh, are those the new
slippers I got you last year
for Christmas?

Uh, yeah, I wear
them all the time.

Oh, are those fur slippers?

Uh, no, they’re terry cloth.

(audience laughing)

Tracy has a cat.

Just one?

How many do you have, Pugga?

Well, I have adopted
nine times.

They all ran when you
rang the door buzzer.

Except for Tootsie, she’s deaf.

Hey, I know what you need,
some maple syrup!

You’ll love to have a little
maple syrup for those waffles.
Here, would you?

(audience laughing)

Oh, boy. Thanks, grandma Pugga.

And I think you’d like some
powdered sugar on yours,
would you?

Hello there.

Come on, oh, you get out of
there, Treasure, oh sweety.

Here’s that powdered
sugar for you.

Hey, can you believe
this warm weather?

I think it’s global warming.

Yes, here it’s Christmas time
and the cats are shredding.

I’m gonna have to vacuum
again one of these days.

Aren’t these delicious, Tracy?

Oh, yeah, you’re gonna
have to give me the recipe.

(audience laughing)

Well, you know, Timmy’s
grandfather, bless his soul,

had these buckwheat
waffles every day.

He died of asthma,
you know, several years ago.

(audience laughing)

Grandpa was a barber.

Oh, was he a cat person, too?

He hated them.

Nah, can I get you, kids,
something else?

I’ve got some caramelized
apples in the fridge,
you can take them with you.

Oh, geez, I’m stuffed, thanks.

We’ve got tickets, uh, so,
we better get moving

or we’ll be late.

Oh, what show?

Oh, don’t worry,
we’re not gonna see "Cats".

I was just gonna say, don’t
go see "Cats", it’s terrible.

Yeah, we talked
about that last time.

It has nothing to
do with cats really.

We know.

Listen, Tracy, looks like you
got a little bit of cat hair
on you.

- Oh!
- Oh, well, here.

I got uh, I got a little
lint remover here for you.

(audience laughing)

Oh, thanks!

What’s the matter there?
You got the colds, Tracy?

Uh, I think it’s a hairball.

Well, I got a little Petromalt,
do you wanna take that with you?

It’ll pass out
in about an hour.

- No, thank you.
- Okay.

Well, bye, grandma Pugga.

Okay, there.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

- Now, you, kids, be good.
- Goodbye.

Alright now, next time
I’ll cook for dinner.

Not you, Roobar, I’m gonna
feed you in a minute.

We made grandma very happy about
this little visit, you know.

Thanks for being so terrific.

She was nice this time.

(audience cheering)

(Announcer:)
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey

(Male voice:)
The face of a child
can say it all,

especially the mouth part
of the face.

(audience clapping)

I turned on the lights
on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!

Good work, Frank!

- Hey, Ms. Foster!
- How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?

Just fine, guys!

Nice night tonight,
huh, Ms. Foster?

Oh, yes, it’s perfect!

Yeah, you go and enjoy
it now, Ms. Foster!

- Yeah, have a nice night!
- I sure will!

- See you soon, guys!
- Bye, Ms. Foster!

See ya!

That Ms. Foster, she’s
one nice lady, huh?

- Yeah, she sure is.
- And pretty, too!

Oh, yeah, pretty lady!

I’d sure like to go upstairs
and try on all her panties.

Yeah, me, too!

Nah... they’d be too small.

Oh, sure.

Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.

Yeah, me, too.

- Hey, Ms. Hawkins!
- How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?

Hi!

- See ya, Ms. Hawkins!
- See ya!

Nice lady.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You’d look good in that dress!

It’d make my butt look too big.

Yeah, I got a big ass.
Tortured me for years.

Yeah, my hips are
like a woman’s.

Not as big as Mrs.
Blake’s, up in, uh, 1503.

Oh, yeah.. her
panties must be huge!

Yeah. We could use her panties
as a driftnet.

Hey, that’d be good.

But where’d you get the boat?

Yeah, you’re right...

Oh, sure.

You know what kind of
panties I’d like to wear?

What’s that, Frank?

Silk panties.

Oh, sure, me, too. Natural
fiber, the only kind for me.

- Yeah, I break out otherwise.
- Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.

Oh, yeah.

- Hi, Jimmy!
- Hey, Mr. Claymore!

- How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore?
- Feeling fine, thank you.

How’s Mrs. Claymore’s
gall bladder?

Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be
coming home in a couple of days.

- Glad to hear that!
- Yeah, see you boys.

See ya!

- Nice guy.
- Yeah.

You know, in the hospital they
give you those gowns that
open up in the back.

- Yeah, keep you real cool!
- Oh, sure.

I’d like to wear one of those
gowns, and then squat
over a block of ice.

Oh, yeah.

And maybe a fan to blow
the cool air straight up.

- Oh, sure! That’d be good!
- Oh, yeah, why not?

Sure.

That’s a man.

Oh, sure. You can tell
by the thick ankles.

Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.

Yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple.
Gives me away every time.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

- Hey, Tommy!
- How ya doin’, Tommy?

Yeah, I got a delivery.

Why don’t you take
this one up, Frank?

I took the last one up, Jimmy.

Oh, I’ll get the next one,
Frank. Who’s it for?

- Ms. Foster.
- Where’s it from?

Victoria’s Secret.

- I’ll take this one!
- No, I got this one..!

- No, you get the next one...
- No, it’s alright...

(audience clapping and cheering)

(Announcer:)
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey

(Male voice:)
Today I accidentally
stepped on a snail

on the sidewalk
in front of our house.

And I thought, I too
am like that snail.

I build a defensive wall around
myself, a "shell" if you will.

But my shell isn’t made out of
a hard, protective substance.

Mine is made out
of tin foil and paper bags.

(audience applauding)

Chris, Chris, what are you doing
back here in the makeup room?

You’re supposed to be on
stage for the army sketch,

what’s wrong?

I don’t know, Steve.

I think it’s nerves.

Nerves.

Well, you know what you are?

You’re nothing but a coward!

(audience laughing)

What’s wrong?

It’s Chris Farley, he’s
nothing but a damn coward!

He’s not fit to wear that
fake army costume he’s got on.

I will not have brave cast
members going out there

with nothing but bad material,

while this coward
sits here safe!

You’re being a little rough
on him, don’t you think?

Rough on him?

Well, you’re nothing
but a coward!

(audience laughing)

Hey Steve, Steve,
how’s it goin’?

You know what you are?
You’re a coward!

Hey, Steve, you think you
wanna review some lines?

You’re just a coward, too!

Not a coward. Not a coward.

Coward!

(audience laughing)

Not a coward. Nice dress.

Coward!

Coward!

Coward!

Not a coward.
A big stinking coward!

Steve! Steve, Steve.

You’ve got to stop this!

What are you doing?
Get your hands off me, mister!

Steve, you asked for this.

(audience laughing)

Thanks, Phil. I don’t know
what got into me...

Yes, I do! You’re nothing
but a coward!

Coward!

Not a coward.

Not a coward.

Coward!

Coward!

Big stinking coward!

(audience clapping)

(Announcer:)
Live from Compton, California!

BET TV!

That’s Black Entertainment
Television presents

"The Dark Side with Nat X"

the only show on TV
written by a brother,

produced by a brother, that’s
strictly for the brother!

Now, get ready for our man who
is so black he urinates oil!

Step back, cuz here comes, Nat!

(audience cheering)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X, welcome
to the Dark Side!

The only 15-minute show on TV!

Why only 15 minutes?

Cuz if the show was any longer,
the man would have to pay me!

Not that we all
know who the man is.

I’m talking about the man who
said if a bride wears a white
wedding dress,

she looks like a virgin!

But if a bride wears
a black wedding dress,

she looks like a hooker!

I’m talking about the same man
who owns a company called "Black
and Decker".

Now, I don’t know
what’s wrong with that.

I’m just mad he used the word
"black" without my permission.

(audience laughing)

Alright, now it’s
time for Viewer Mail.

Sandman, come read me a letter!

(music playing)

Well, Nat, tonight’s letter is
from Pam Brock and she writes,

"Dear Nat, who’s your
favorite Christmas character?"

Oh, that’s easy.

All the other reindeer used
to laugh and call him names.

They never let poor Rudolph
play in any reindeer games!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer, he wasn’t black,

but sure got
treated like he was.

(siren sound)

Get out of here!

Get away back there!
You can’t get me!

The resolution will
let me come about!

Get out! That’s how you wanna
see me? Get outta here!

Boy, I haven’t had that much
fun since I was breastfeed
by shakkakah.

(audience laughing)

Alright, tonight, my only guest
could not make it to the studio.

Why? Why couldn’t he make it
to the studio?

Because he was scared
of germs, that’s why!

But I want you to please
welcome, Michael Jackson!

(audience clapping)

Now, Michael, this
new song of yours,

"It Don’t Matter If
You’re Black or White",

what are you trying to say?

Oh, Nat, what I’m
really trying to say is,

it doesn’t matter what color
a person is, black or white,

because we’re all
God’s children.

Don’t matter? Why don’t you
tell that to Rodney Cain?

Don’t matter? Why don’t you
try to get a taxi cab?

Why don’t you try to marry
a Kennedy girl, you’d find out
how much it matters!

Now, Michael, what’s with this
all crotch-grabbing stuff?

Is, uh, that what you
mean by "dangerous"?

Sorry about that, Nat.

I grab my crotch because that’s
the only part of my body

I haven’t had altered.

(audience laughing)

I understand that,
but why’d you smash that car?

I was expressing my inner rage.

I was not hurting anyone.

Well, it hurting no one.
That was my car!

(audience laughing)

Now, Mike, how much does one
of those skin bleachings costs?

I don’t know what
you’re talking about.

Oh, come on, you know
what I’m talking about.

You used to be my complexion,
now you look like a damn napkin!

(audience laughing)

I don’t understand why people
won’t just leave me alone!

Michael, stop crying! Stop
crying! Stop crying, cut it out!

Michael, look,
look at this picture, Michael.

What happened to
this boy, Michael?

Where is he? Where is he?

We wanted the old
Michael, the ABC Michael,

the "I’ll be there" Michael!

We want that cute
little boy back!

Not no moon-walking
transvestite!

(audience laughing and clapping)

Michael, I only talk
about you because I care.

Look at the picture,
look at you, look at me!

You know why I care?
Cuz I’m your daddy, that’s why!

(audience laughing)

Ask Tino, he knows!

Alright, we gotta tune in next
week when I won’t probably talk
to my son.

Noon at next week, watch me
lick a white cat for good luck.

Stay strong, brother!

(audience clapping and cheering)

(audience applauding)

(music)