Original subtitles

Seven minutes to air.

Right.

So, you remember when Bill Murray came and...

...when you were the medieval barber and he came with his legs all broken

from being dragged by the ox cart after having too much mead?

Yeah. What about it?

Oh, that was awesome!

(audience laughing)

That was a loonnnggg time ago...

Steve, you want to run lines for our scene?

Oh, we have a sketch together?

Is it on cue cards?

I guess so...

Then, what’s the problem?

(audience laughing)

Mr. Martin?

Before you go, I was wondering...

I found this in wardrobe,

and I was wondering if you could sign it?

It’s my old King Tut costume.

I remember this.

This was back when the show meant something...

(audience laughing)

Back when I used to care...

Mr. Martin?

Steve?

* Something’s out there.. *

(whistles )

* Something’s in the air... *

(whistles )

* Don’t know how, don’t know why... *

* Got a feeling tonight’s the night, *

* I’m actually gonna tryyyyy... *

* Not gonna phone it in tonight... *

* Not gonna go through the motions tonight... *

* This time I’m really gonna do the best I caannnn... *

* Mr. Cue Card Man, put those down over there.... *

* For some reason tonight, I care! *

- You care? - That’s right!

* That’s why I’m not gonna phone it in tonight... *

* Not gonna read my screenplay during the songs tonight.... *

(audience clapping)

* I could walk through my parts and still be hilarious *

* I’ve done it so often before... *

* But look at these faces, look at this fat guy. *

* He wants more. *

* He wants moooorreeee! *

Hey, I’m not that fat!

Please!

* So many times I faked it, just because I could... *

* I’m that gooooddd! *

You’re that good!

* But 20% won’t do tonight... *

* Mr. Martin, I’ll do it for you tonight... *

* Gonna do something different tonight... *

* Something says not to just do Pat tonight.. *

* I don’t have any lines... *

* I’m not in the show *

* But something tells me that if I were *

* I’d be raring to gooooo! *

* Not gonna get liquored up tonight! *

* I’m not gonna have a drink tonight! *

* I’m not gonna drink ’ till "Update" is through. *

* That’s a promise to you, the vieweerrrr...Yes! *

* After the show, I’ll drink ’til I spew. *

* But for now, I’m clearheaded for youuuu! *

* I hide behind these wigs and this makeup *

* But tonight I’m gonna let myself shine through. *

* Yes, they’re gonna see the real Phil Hartman tonight! *

- I wouldn’t do that, Phil. - Okay.

(audience laughing)

Follow me, everyone! Let’s go make an effort!

* Not gonna have dead air tonight! *

* Gonna seem as if we care tonightttt! *

But, Steve, why do you care? Aren’t you rich?

* I’m worth $17 million... *

* I could buy and sell you, and you and you, *

* a thousand times over. *

* But tonight, there’s a show to dooooo! *

Five minutes until the monologue, Mr. Martin.

Thanks, Joe!

* I can’t ever get fired, I’ve got a Union job. *

(audience laughing)

* But somehow tonight, it doesn’t matter *

* that I’m in with the mob... *

* Gonna move our big lard-asses tonight *

* We’re gonna move our fat teamster asses tonighttttt! *

This way!

Steve, what’s going on?

Oh, we’re going to do our best tonight, Lorne!

But, the show’s on automatic pilot. I don’t even come in until Saturday.

Lorne, don’t you see? That’s not the way it was in the 70’s.

Back in the 70’s, people cared.

They, they believed in something!

Now it’s the 80’s, and everything’s yuppie, yuppie, yuppie... spend, spend, spend!

Steve, it’s the 90’s.

Whatever. The point is...

* I’ve always wanted to see *

* How good I could be *

* I just want to know *

* Then go, Steve, gooooo! *

* And do a great shoooowwwwww! *

(audience clapping)

Thank you, Lorne. I’ve never felt so alive!

God, I feel young again! I feel 38!

Come, on everybody!

* We’re gonna learn our lines, do our parts well, *

* then we’ll go back to coasting *

* But not while Steve’s host *

* Cuz we’re... *

* Not gonna phone it in tonight *

* Not gonna sleepwalk through tonight *

* I made it happen! *

* Steve made it happen! *

* Now it’s in sight! *

* Now it’s in sight! *

* Live, from New York! *

Line?

(audience laughing)

* It’s Saturday Night! *

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music)

(Announcer:) It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey!

Chris Farley!

Phil Hartman!

Victoria Jackson!

Mike Myers!

Kevin Nealon!

Chris Rock!

Julia Sweeney!

Ellen Cleghorne!

Siobhan Fallon!

Tim Meadows!

Adam Sandler!

Rob Schneider!

David Spade!

And featuring Beth Cahill!

Melanie Hutsell!

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band!

Musical guests: James Taylor!

And starring: Steve Martin!

Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!

(audience cheering)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, it’s alright, it’s alright!

(audience clapping and cheering)

Good evening, good evening, and welcome to "Saturday Night Live"!

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy holidays,

and I say happy holidays because I mean it whether you celebrate

Christmas or Hanukkah or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in

but everyone else knows is hogwash.

(audience laughing)

I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much,

the regulars: Kevin, Dana, Phil, uh... Victoria,

and the newer cast members: Ramone, Tina, uh...

Frosty and... Spunky.

(audience laughing)

A lot of hosts wouldn’t bother to learn the cast’s names,

but I think being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility.

For example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say,

"I can see that you’re eating, but I was wondering if I could

have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday."

I always grab the genitalia and pull down with a quick snap and release!

Never with a slow tight grip like some celebrities do.

You know, I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately,

because I’ve got a new movie coming out, and I think

that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is,

"Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do?"

Well, actually... yes.

For example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called "Father of the Bride".

(audience cheering)

When the Disney studios called me up to ask me if I would be

interested in doing "Father of the Bride", I said,

"Well... which role?"

(audience laughing)

And they said, "Well, the bride."

(audience laughing)

And I said, "What if we went the other way?

What if I played the father?"

And they said, "Hmm.. interesting."

And then as I’m talking to them, I realized,

if I play the father, I don’t get to wear the white dress.

So I say, "Do you think there’s a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress?

Say, at the wedding, or something like that?"

And they say, "Well, really, the bride should wear the white dress.."

And I say, "Could we both wear the white dress?

I mean, you know, could we shoot it both ways?"

And that’s what we did, and they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit,

and I think that was the right choice.

But I do have a photo of the scene that was cut out,

and I’d like you take a look at it, could you put that up, please?

(audience cheering)

I thought it worked, but, you know, they think they’re big shots. Okay!

We have a great show tonight, James Taylor is here!

(audience cheering)

And we’ll be right back!

(audience cheering and clapping)

This is a great house-sitting deal that you’ve found.

This place is a dump.

Just wait till you see the pool.

No water?

(music)

You two look like you need to get wet.

Thank you!

(audience laughing)

(Narrator:) If you’ve got a big thirst and you’re gay,

reach for a cold, tall bottle of Schmitts GAY.

- I’m gonna like house-sitting. - Uh, yeah!

(audience cheering)

(Announcer:) Once again, it’s time

for America’s most unpredictable game show, Suckerpunch!

And here’s Mr. Suckerpunch himself, Chet Mutelle.

(audience cheering)

Alright, thank you, and welcome to Suckerpunch!

Now let’s meet our first Suckerpunch contestant,

Scott Fellstad! Scott.

(clapping)

Scott, welcome to Suckerpunch!

Uh, I’m sorry, what’s the name of the show?

Suckerpunch.

(audience laughing)

Sorry, Scott, you didn’t win, but that was a nice try.

Now let’s meet Christy Reynolds.

Christy, how was it that you came to join us here on Suckerpunch?

Well, I’m standing in line for the Tonight Show

and then a page said they were getting new contestants for...

...a new game show.

Hmm... Well, thanks for joining us Christy.

Now let’s take a look at the Suckerpunch board.

Categories are: American History, Shakespeare,

Television Trivia and Suckerpunches.

Christy, which category do you choose?

I’ll take American--

Sorry the category was Suckerpunches, Suckerpunches.

Okay, now our third contestant is Bob Van Arks from Racine, Wisconsin,

but before we talk to Bob,

let’s meet our audience member in the isolation booth,

Mark Strobel, come on down Mark.

Here we go, Mark.

Now the isolation booth is totally soundproof, am I right, Mark?

That’s correct.

You can take off the blindfold now and here’s your question.

PT Barnum once said this type of person was born every minute.

- Oh, I know that, a sucker. - That’s right.

(audience laughing)

Now, let’s explain the rules for Suckerpunch.

Basically, whatever I say goes.

Contestants were chosen at random from the ticket lines at the Tonight Show.

Employees of NBC, their families or anyone who has ever seen Suckerpunch is ineligible.

Okay, let’s meet Bob Van Arks.

Whoa, relax a little bit there, Bob.

I’ll tell you what, why don’t we relax,

and I’ll talk to our returning champion, Sabrina Boyd.

Hi Chet.

Sabrina, this is your eighth week back.

That’s right!

Alright Sabrina, you’re still our champion!

Now, tell us what you’ve won.

Well, it looks like I’ve won about $300... Oooh!

And a Diners Club card!

(audience clapping)

Oh, congratulations!

Well, that’s it for Suckerpunch.

This is Chet Futell saying, "Hey your shoelace is untied."

Goodnight.

(audience cheering and clapping)

(classical music)

(Narrator:) The British Theater Alliance presents "Theatre Stories"

with your host, Kenneth Reese-Evans.

Hello, I’m Kenneth Reese-Evans, and welcome to another episode,

of, uh, "Theatre Stories"!

Our guests tonight are Sir William Sindren Steven Smythe Cursey,

or "Nobby", as he’s known at the Old Vic...

Hello! Always a pleasure!

And our next guest, is an actress whose 1931 debut

at the Royal Shakespeare...

...was described as both Dionysian and unabashedly insane!

I’m speaking of course of Dame Sarah Kensington!

I heard my name!

They’re calling me again!

Yes.

And finally, Hollywood film actor and American child star,

Mickey Rooney.

I was the number one star in the world! You hear me?

Bang! The world!

Yes, of course.

Yes, yes.

Now, just before the show started,

Nobby here was telling us all a story here of Sir Laurence...

Olivier.

Oh yeah, yeah.

Larry was performing in the American motion picture

"Marathon Man" and Dustin Hoffman came to the set

one morning looking absolutely wretched!

And Olivier said, "You look absolutely wretched!"

And Dustin said, "Well, I’ve stayed awake for 24 hours,

because at this point in the picture,

my character has been up all night."

And Sir Laurence quipped, "Oh, Dusty!

Why don’t you try acting?"

Oh, ho, very good!

Well, Dustin shoots back, "Act on this, you old English fag!"

(audience laughing)

Shame! Shame!

And then, Sir Larry retorts, "I want a meal, not a snack!"

Very clever.

And the American replies, "Self-serve buddy!"

Shame!

And then Olivier takes a beat, as only Larry can, and he said something, so perfect!

So absolutely perfect!

(audience laughing)

Oh, incidentally, for your edification,

I tried to sell a script to Mr. Dustin Hoffman,

and he never called me back.

And I’ve been in the business for 68 years. You hear me?

I was the number one star...

...in the world! Bang! The world!

(audience laughing)

I made $200,000 in 1937 and by 1945, I was broke.

I went to my accountant and I said, "I’m broke."

And he said, "Mickey, you can’t be broke.

You were the number one star...

...in the world!" You hear me? Bang!

In the world!

Yes, I quite agree.

I’ve been married five times to the same wonderful man!

Yes, yes.

That reminds me of a story that is in no way related!

(audience laughing)

I was working with Sir John Gielgud,

in a production of "Troilus and Cressida"

when I discovered I had

NO CONTROL OVER THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

Really, really!

You know, I’ve always felt that John Gielgud had a certain,

as the French say, "I-don’t-know what".

I was playing Lady Macbeth to John Gielgud’s Othello

in a production of "The Tempest",

and who should I see in the front row, taking notes,

but Mr. Potato Head!

(audience laughing)

And the thing that struck me about Mr. Potato Head was that

his facial features were completely interchangeable.

(audience laughing)

Yes, yes, yes. Of course,

a little bit sly, that Mr. Potato Head.

Tell me, Mr. Rooney!

Who is your favorite leading lady?

Look, I’m four foot eight, I was never gonna romance Miss Kim Novak,

but I had the pleasure of performing with the lovely Miss Judy Garland.

So I’m not bitter. You see, that’s how it works.

So I’m not a freak.

I was a number one star...

...in the world! You hear me?

Bang! The world!

In 1965, I called Warner Bros. and I said,

"This is Mickey Rooney. I need a job."

The bastard hung up on me.

What a fascinating story, you ghastly American!

Bang!

(audience laughing)

I’m just glad I like women!

What are you getting at?

Yes, yes.

Why don’t you go away somewhere and have an American hot-a-dog!

(audience laughing)

You know, I remember a performance of "Richard III"

during the war, and right in the middle of the second act,

we took a direct hit from the Nazi buzz bomb.

I looked up and saw the ceiling crashing down on me, and I went,

"Aaahh!"

And I soiled myself.

(audience laughing)

Heh, well, I don’t blame you.

I would have done the same had I seen that.

I don’t mean then, I mean just now.

When I went, "Aaahh!" Excuse me...

(audience laughing and clapping)

Yes, yes, of course.

That was fascinating, but the rest of the story will have to wait

BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE!

So we’ll see you next week on "THEATRE STORIES"!

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music)

(Announcer:) Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

(audience cheering)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Kennedy Nealon.

and that’s a damnable lie.

Our top story tonight.

The Soviet Union is dead.

In lieu of flowers, it’s asked that you send food and Levi 501’s.

(audience laughing)

Five central Asian Republics have decided to join the new Soviet Commonwealth

following the Republics of Russia, Ukraine and Belorussia.

The new ones are Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan,

Uzbekistan and Tajikistan.

(audience laughing)

In what many are calling his final humiliation,

Mikhail Gorbachev this week was traded to the New York Yankees for two rookie outfielders.

(audience laughing)

The new CIA Chief and former agency criminologist Robert Gates said today

that the Soviet Union may collapse sometime in the middle 1990’s.

(audience laughing)

Conservative Republican Pat Buchanan announced his candidacy for president this week,

proclaiming his slogan "America First".

Meanwhile President Bush was preparing his campaign

and proclaiming his slogan "American when I have the time."

(audience laughing and clapping)

Political pollsters said they had to remove the option of undecided

from all presidential election polls this year.

Apparently people filling the polls out have been afraid

that marking "undecided" could be interpreted as a vote for Mario Cuomo.

(audience laughing)

Salman Rushdie emerged from hiding this week and made a surprise visit to New York City

where he spoke at Columbia University.

Rushdie said he plans to go ahead with the paperback publication of "Satanic Verses".

Weekend Update was fortunate enough to get an advanced copy

and here’s what it looks like...

(audience laughing)

Alright.

As the freed hostages adjust to their new lives back home,

psychologists are warning that their re-entry to a changed world

must be gentle and gradual.

When they are safely readjusted to society,

only then will they be told about Dan Quayle.

(audience laughing and clapping)

After a faulty switch box failed to light the White House Christmas tree,

President Bush tried to fix it by hitting and jiggling the box.

Finally the method was effective and the tree lit up beautifully.

Bush immediately suggested putting the US economy in the box and jiggling that.

(audience laughing)

Well for those of you who missed the William Kennedy Smith trial,

here are the highlights:

O-bar, massage, towel, too soft,

panties , sand, bruises, Teddy, base, lasagna, not guilty.

(audience laughing)

Before the verdict was read, Judge Mario... uh, sorry,

Mary Lupo, was instructed that no emotions be shown in the court room.

But upon hearing the not guilty decision, Willy jumped up,

spread out a towel and hugged his attorney.

(audience laughing)

Earlier in a shameful display of tackiness,

local merchants and vendors had taken advantage of the trial by selling everything

from souvenir trial t-shirts to high priced advertising space.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Most of North America was reported missing this morning

during a routine weather report.

Alarmed investigators are questioning neighboring Mexico.

To observe tomorrow’s Bill of Rights 200th anniversary,

I’d like to take this time to demonstrate freedom of speech.

Chucks, chucks, booga booga booga, ooh, ooh, wooh hoo hoo!

Show ’em your grandmothers underwear!

Now that’s what makes America great.

See that’s something you cannot do in any other country.

(audience laughing)

You know there’s a lot of people out there who think they’re really something,

but they’re not.

And to them I’d like to say be very, very careful, because maybe one day,

you may just turn out to be something you’re not.

(audience laughing)

Inventor Robert Kearns has won a lawsuit against Chrysler

for its infringement on his patent of the intermittent windshield wipers.

Victory is expected to result in other inventors

suing over similar features of Chrysler cars including intermittent engines,

intermittent brakes and intermittent seatbelts.

(audience laughing)

And if you’re into expensive Christmas gifts,

here’s a suggestion: the new Swiss army car.

It has 101 uses besides driving.

Smooth Joe Camel is in serious condition today.

Doctors had to perform emergency surgery after they discovered

his trademark camel humps were actually two giant tumors

caused by years of compulsive smoking.

Following the surgery, Camel announced that they would be changing the brand name

to Llama.

(audience laughing)

And now here’s Weekend Update’s Travel Correspondent,

- Adam Sandler. Adam. - Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks, Kevin. Hello everybody.

Saturday Night Live recently sent me to Disney World

in Orlando, Florida to find out if it’s a good place

for our home viewers to take a holiday vacation,

and I gotta tell you, it was just awesome!

I got there on Thursday, and my head was killing me cuz I hate to fly.

I knew I needed something to eat,

so I went right into my hotel room and order up a grilled cheese sandwich,

man, it really hit the spot!

So much cheese and it was the really melty kind of cheese and it was amazing!

I felt better after eating I said,

"Let me check out this Disney World."

So I headed out to the door and started my way towards the kingdom,

but like halfway down the hall I heard someone’s TV was on,

and they were watching Green Acres, that’s my favorite show,

so I bolted back to my room and flipped the channels and sure enough

Nickelodeon was running the Green Acres marathon!

Man, I was set for the night!

Man, that show is, is so funny, especially that character Eddie,

he is so stupid!

All I could think of was, "I love Disney World!

It’s great!"

Um, after that I went straight to sleep.

The next morning I got dressed and I got on an elevator

to go down to the monorail that takes you to the Magic Kingdom.

On the elevator, they had this great security camera

and I was singing into it, "Have a holly jolly Christmas."

I like that song a lot.

That to me is the best... Surveillance camera,

a guy’s song, you know, it bugs them, you know.

That’s wise.

Uh, then it was definitely time to hit the amusement rides.

I figured, I’d uh, you know, walk over cuz it was a nice day

but I started getting tired.

But luckily there was this McDonalds on the way

that has some pretty nice rides itself.

I started on the slide, it was only seven feet long

but it was like 9 feet wide which left you plenty of room

and a whirl to do like some crazy stuff.

So, if sliding down wasn’t fun enough,

you should have seen me trying to run up in my socks, man.

I couldn’t make it, it was so slippery.

Not to mention I was laughing so hard.

(audience laughing)

Then came the best ride of all, the Mayor McCheese spring bouncer.

Oh, I must have sat on his head for an hour

bouncing up and down, I was out of control.

Then, I imagine what would it be like if I were Mayor McCheese?

First, I would order the hamburger let it be put to death.

If only I could catch him.

It’s just not fair.

He steals burgers and who pays for his crimes?

The people of McDonaldland.

The people who elected me Mayor McCheese.

Then, I thought if I were Mayor McCheese,

my head would be made of chopped meat.

And I’d have a bun on my head, that freaked me out a little.

So I rushed back to my hotel room and I looked in the mirror,

and thank God, you know, my head was still normal.

I learned a lot about myself in Disney World.

All in all, I find Disney World to be the perfect vacation. Kevin.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Travel Correspondent Adam Sandler.

(audience cheering and clapping)

And as a reminder, only 10 shoplifting days until Christmas.

According to US Postal Service in Columbus, Ohio,

a worker jokingly programmed a scanner to print "you bitch"

on 10,000 envelopes that were supposed to carry a holiday message.

The prank went unnoticed and all 10,000 letters were delivered to Leona Helmsley.

(audience laughing)

Consumer Watchdog Group now says that if you play Madonna’s records backwards,

you hear satanic messages.

The good news is if you play her videos backwards,

she puts her clothes on and abstains from sex.

(audience laughing)

New York City officials are once again cautioning tourists during the holiday season

that if you see a man in a red velvet suit calling, "Ho, ho, ho,"

make sure he is a sidewalk Santa and not a pimp drumming up business.

(audience laughing)

Well Einstein’s theory of relativity,

which postulates that people age more slowly when traveling through space

was proven wrong this week with the release of Star Trek 6.

(audience laughing)

You know I’ve seen Cocoon twice and this is the same picture.

Alright, and in other entertainment news,

Tristar’s long awaited Hook opened this week across the nation.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

(music and audience cheering)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

(Male voice:) It’s too bad that whole families have to be torn apart

by something as simple as wild dogs.

(audience laughing)

Your grandma just sees me as the latest in your series of girlfriends!

No way! She likes you.

And what’s that name you call her?

- Pugga. Grandma Pugga. - Right, Pugga.

But she’s got all those cats.

I’m wearing my black dress, I’m gonna get cat hair all over it.

Oh, come on!

(rings doorbell)

All we have to do is stay for a few minutes and make her happy.

Then we won’t have to come for Christmas.

Okay, okay.

Oh, it’s you!

It’s Timmy, and uh?

Tracy. Hi, Pugga.

Tracy, of course, come on in. I don’t let the cats out here.

Come on in, welcome. Welcome.

Here, let me hung up your coat for you, Tracy.

Thank you.

Your mother told me you might come by so I made your favorite buckwheat waffles!

Here they are. Look at that.

Oh, grandma, we can only stay a minute.

Oh, that’s okay, Tim, we can stay long enough to have waffles with your grandma.

Well, Timmy! Looks like you picked out a good one.

She’s a good one, you be good to her.

Here we go. Nice and hot.

It looks good.

Hey, uh, are those the new slippers I got you last year for Christmas?

Uh, yeah, I wear them all the time.

Oh, are those fur slippers?

Uh, no, they’re terry cloth.

(audience laughing)

Tracy has a cat.

Just one?

How many do you have, Pugga?

Well, I have adopted nine times.

They all ran when you rang the door buzzer.

Except for Tootsie, she’s deaf.

Hey, I know what you need, some maple syrup!

You’ll love to have a little maple syrup for those waffles. Here, would you?

(audience laughing)

Oh, boy. Thanks, grandma Pugga.

And I think you’d like some powdered sugar on yours, would you?

Hello there.

Come on, oh, you get out of there, Treasure, oh sweety.

Here’s that powdered sugar for you.

Hey, can you believe this warm weather?

I think it’s global warming.

Yes, here it’s Christmas time and the cats are shredding.

I’m gonna have to vacuum again one of these days.

Aren’t these delicious, Tracy?

Oh, yeah, you’re gonna have to give me the recipe.

(audience laughing)

Well, you know, Timmy’s grandfather, bless his soul,

had these buckwheat waffles every day.

He died of asthma, you know, several years ago.

(audience laughing)

Grandpa was a barber.

Oh, was he a cat person, too?

He hated them.

Nah, can I get you, kids, something else?

I’ve got some caramelized apples in the fridge, you can take them with you.

Oh, geez, I’m stuffed, thanks.

We’ve got tickets, uh, so, we better get moving

or we’ll be late.

Oh, what show?

Oh, don’t worry, we’re not gonna see "Cats".

I was just gonna say, don’t go see "Cats", it’s terrible.

Yeah, we talked about that last time.

It has nothing to do with cats really.

We know.

Listen, Tracy, looks like you got a little bit of cat hair on you.

- Oh! - Oh, well, here.

I got uh, I got a little lint remover here for you.

(audience laughing)

Oh, thanks!

What’s the matter there? You got the colds, Tracy?

Uh, I think it’s a hairball.

Well, I got a little Petromalt, do you wanna take that with you?

It’ll pass out in about an hour.

- No, thank you. - Okay.

Well, bye, grandma Pugga.

Okay, there.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

- Now, you, kids, be good. - Goodbye.

Alright now, next time I’ll cook for dinner.

Not you, Roobar, I’m gonna feed you in a minute.

We made grandma very happy about this little visit, you know.

Thanks for being so terrific.

She was nice this time.

(audience cheering)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

(Male voice:) The face of a child can say it all,

especially the mouth part of the face.

(audience clapping)

I turned on the lights on the Christmas tree, Jimmy!

Good work, Frank!

- Hey, Ms. Foster! - How ya doin’, Ms. Foster?

Just fine, guys!

Nice night tonight, huh, Ms. Foster?

Oh, yes, it’s perfect!

Yeah, you go and enjoy it now, Ms. Foster!

- Yeah, have a nice night! - I sure will!

- See you soon, guys! - Bye, Ms. Foster!

See ya!

That Ms. Foster, she’s one nice lady, huh?

- Yeah, she sure is. - And pretty, too!

Oh, yeah, pretty lady!

I’d sure like to go upstairs and try on all her panties.

Yeah, me, too!

Nah... they’d be too small.

Oh, sure.

Besides, I’d make an ugly woman.

Yeah, me, too.

- Hey, Ms. Hawkins! - How ya doin’, Ms. Hawkins?

Hi!

- See ya, Ms. Hawkins! - See ya!

Nice lady.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You’d look good in that dress!

It’d make my butt look too big.

Yeah, I got a big ass. Tortured me for years.

Yeah, my hips are like a woman’s.

Not as big as Mrs. Blake’s, up in, uh, 1503.

Oh, yeah.. her panties must be huge!

Yeah. We could use her panties as a driftnet.

Hey, that’d be good.

But where’d you get the boat?

Yeah, you’re right...

Oh, sure.

You know what kind of panties I’d like to wear?

What’s that, Frank?

Silk panties.

Oh, sure, me, too. Natural fiber, the only kind for me.

- Yeah, I break out otherwise. - Oh, sure, you can’t breathe.

Oh, yeah.

- Hi, Jimmy! - Hey, Mr. Claymore!

- How ya doin’, Mr. Claymore? - Feeling fine, thank you.

How’s Mrs. Claymore’s gall bladder?

Oh, it’s out now. She’ll be coming home in a couple of days.

- Glad to hear that! - Yeah, see you boys.

See ya!

- Nice guy. - Yeah.

You know, in the hospital they give you those gowns that open up in the back.

- Yeah, keep you real cool! - Oh, sure.

I’d like to wear one of those gowns, and then squat over a block of ice.

Oh, yeah.

And maybe a fan to blow the cool air straight up.

- Oh, sure! That’d be good! - Oh, yeah, why not?

Sure.

That’s a man.

Oh, sure. You can tell by the thick ankles.

Yeah, and the big Adam’s Apple.

Yeah. I got a huge Adam’s Apple. Gives me away every time.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

- Hey, Tommy! - How ya doin’, Tommy?

Yeah, I got a delivery.

Why don’t you take this one up, Frank?

I took the last one up, Jimmy.

Oh, I’ll get the next one, Frank. Who’s it for?

- Ms. Foster. - Where’s it from?

Victoria’s Secret.

- I’ll take this one! - No, I got this one..!

- No, you get the next one... - No, it’s alright...

(audience clapping and cheering)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

(Male voice:) Today I accidentally stepped on a snail

on the sidewalk in front of our house.

And I thought, I too am like that snail.

I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.

But my shell isn’t made out of a hard, protective substance.

Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

(audience applauding)

Chris, Chris, what are you doing back here in the makeup room?

You’re supposed to be on stage for the army sketch,

what’s wrong?

I don’t know, Steve.

I think it’s nerves.

Nerves.

Well, you know what you are?

You’re nothing but a coward!

(audience laughing)

What’s wrong?

It’s Chris Farley, he’s nothing but a damn coward!

He’s not fit to wear that fake army costume he’s got on.

I will not have brave cast members going out there

with nothing but bad material,

while this coward sits here safe!

You’re being a little rough on him, don’t you think?

Rough on him?

Well, you’re nothing but a coward!

(audience laughing)

Hey Steve, Steve, how’s it goin’?

You know what you are? You’re a coward!

Hey, Steve, you think you wanna review some lines?

You’re just a coward, too!

Not a coward. Not a coward.

Coward!

(audience laughing)

Not a coward. Nice dress.

Coward!

Coward!

Coward!

Not a coward. A big stinking coward!

Steve! Steve, Steve.

You’ve got to stop this!

What are you doing? Get your hands off me, mister!

Steve, you asked for this.

(audience laughing)

Thanks, Phil. I don’t know what got into me...

Yes, I do! You’re nothing but a coward!

Coward!

Not a coward.

Not a coward.

Coward!

Coward!

Big stinking coward!

(audience clapping)

(Announcer:) Live from Compton, California!

BET TV!

That’s Black Entertainment Television presents

"The Dark Side with Nat X"

the only show on TV written by a brother,

produced by a brother, that’s strictly for the brother!

Now, get ready for our man who is so black he urinates oil!

Step back, cuz here comes, Nat!

(audience cheering)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X, welcome to the Dark Side!

The only 15-minute show on TV!

Why only 15 minutes?

Cuz if the show was any longer, the man would have to pay me!

Not that we all know who the man is.

I’m talking about the man who said if a bride wears a white wedding dress,

she looks like a virgin!

But if a bride wears a black wedding dress,

she looks like a hooker!

I’m talking about the same man who owns a company called "Black and Decker".

Now, I don’t know what’s wrong with that.

I’m just mad he used the word "black" without my permission.

(audience laughing)

Alright, now it’s time for Viewer Mail.

Sandman, come read me a letter!

(music playing)

Well, Nat, tonight’s letter is from Pam Brock and she writes,

"Dear Nat, who’s your favorite Christmas character?"

Oh, that’s easy.

All the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, he wasn’t black,

but sure got treated like he was.

(siren sound)

Get out of here!

Get away back there! You can’t get me!

The resolution will let me come about!

Get out! That’s how you wanna see me? Get outta here!

Boy, I haven’t had that much fun since I was breastfeed by shakkakah.

(audience laughing)

Alright, tonight, my only guest could not make it to the studio.

Why? Why couldn’t he make it to the studio?

Because he was scared of germs, that’s why!

But I want you to please welcome, Michael Jackson!

(audience clapping)

Now, Michael, this new song of yours,

"It Don’t Matter If You’re Black or White",

what are you trying to say?

Oh, Nat, what I’m really trying to say is,

it doesn’t matter what color a person is, black or white,

because we’re all God’s children.

Don’t matter? Why don’t you tell that to Rodney Cain?

Don’t matter? Why don’t you try to get a taxi cab?

Why don’t you try to marry a Kennedy girl, you’d find out how much it matters!

Now, Michael, what’s with this all crotch-grabbing stuff?

Is, uh, that what you mean by "dangerous"?

Sorry about that, Nat.

I grab my crotch because that’s the only part of my body

I haven’t had altered.

(audience laughing)

I understand that, but why’d you smash that car?

I was expressing my inner rage.

I was not hurting anyone.

Well, it hurting no one. That was my car!

(audience laughing)

Now, Mike, how much does one of those skin bleachings costs?

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Oh, come on, you know what I’m talking about.

You used to be my complexion, now you look like a damn napkin!

(audience laughing)

I don’t understand why people won’t just leave me alone!

Michael, stop crying! Stop crying! Stop crying, cut it out!

Michael, look, look at this picture, Michael.

What happened to this boy, Michael?

Where is he? Where is he?

We wanted the old Michael, the ABC Michael,

the "I’ll be there" Michael!

We want that cute little boy back!

Not no moon-walking transvestite!

(audience laughing and clapping)

Michael, I only talk about you because I care.

Look at the picture, look at you, look at me!

You know why I care? Cuz I’m your daddy, that’s why!

(audience laughing)

Ask Tino, he knows!

Alright, we gotta tune in next week when I won’t probably talk to my son.

Noon at next week, watch me lick a white cat for good luck.

Stay strong, brother!

(audience clapping and cheering)

(audience applauding)

(music)