All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E08.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Announcer:]
The following is a message

from the President
of the United States.

Good evening.

You know, as I speak here
tonight, we’re in the midst

of the holiday season here,
normally a season to cheer,

a time to rejoice
at our good fortune

and this year, no different.

So much to be thankful for.

Certainly not a time to panic.

(audience laughing)

Just take her easy there.

Sure, certainly, the economy
is a little sluggish,

momentarily a bit soft,
notice I didn’t say recession.

(audience laughing)

Not afraid to say recession.
Recession. Recession!

(audience laughing)

Heck I’ll say it all day,
but I don’t have to

because we’re not
in a recession.

We’re not even in a downturn
here, we’re more of a...

In sort of a hovering
action there.

We’re kind of hovering around,
as if idly in there,

waiting for the checkered flag
of the Christmas shopping season

to start our economic engines,
and how as Americans

do we take part?

By doing what we have
always done, we consume.

(audience laughing)

But that’s who we are,
let’s not fight it.

We are a nation of consumers:
we love to shop, shop, shop!

I don’t know how many of you’ve
been to the mall lately,
I can tell you I have,

and I have to tell you,
it’s the greatest show on earth.

You got Radio--
Radio Shack there.

Chess King, Foot Locker,
Orange Julius, Benetton,

Mrs. Fields... Chewy!

(audience laughing)

They’re good, they’re good.

And of course, the GAP.

(audience cheering and clapping)

.

You know it’s fun stuff.

It’s just fun to be
in that mall.

There is so much to do,
so much to eat, so much to buy.

Right here from the people
at Presto, the SaladShooter.

There it is the SaladShooter,
stuff things in there,

they go flying out of there.

This baby is able to slice
a ripe tomato into
57 symmetrical wedges,

just $34.98.
That’s right, $34.98.

You heard me.

They’re going fast,
don’t hesitate.

Over here we got
Toasties here...

(audience laughing)

...made by The Friendly People
at Totes.

It’s a sock with a little tread
on the bottom.

Remember those mukluk things?
They’re kind of like mukluks,
only lighter.

(audience laughing)

$8. You heard me correct. $8.

They are going fast.

How about the Hickory Farm’s
Party in a Box?

(audience cheering and laughing)

Ain’t that cute?
That’s adorable.

Less than $20.

You got that summer
sausage in there,

that cheddar cheese crock.

Sesame crackers, they’re
crunchy and delicious.

And why not wash it all down
with a six-pack of Bud Dry.

(audience cheering)

Why ask why Bud Dry?

(audience laughing)

We’re gonna be okay and here
is something to think about.

What do taxi drivers
know that you don’t?

Quickest way to the airport?
Sure.

Maybe the best doughnut shops?
Perhaps.

One thing for certain, they know
that the most comfortable ride

is on... a beaded seat cushion.

(audience cheering)

Feels a little creepy.

This baby will massage you
while you drive, just $24.99.

You heard me, I won’t repeat it.

If I’m lying, I’m dying. $24.99.

And I know a lot of you
are thinking,

"sure these are marvelous
products, maybe in these
uncertain times

I should
hang on to my money."

My answer to that is, where
are you going to put it?

To savings and loan in a bank?
Hey, good luck.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Now call me old fashioned but
I’d like to put my money

into something tangible,
something solid,
something like this.

The Sears DieHard battery.

The DieHard, 100% American.

Finally, sometimes you wanna
get something just to reward
yourself,

just for the
sheer enjoyment of it,

which brings us to this tasty
item, the Green Machine.

Damn this little thing.

Little frog band in
there, ain’t that cute?

Saw it in the checkout line,
point of purchase, they call it.

Sort of an impulse buy.

A voice said to me,
"Don’t pass this up."

I said, "Not gonna buy it."
Not. Gonna. Buy. It.

(audience laughing)

Bought it

(audience laughing)

You see it’s a whole combo here,
voice activated, very clever.

* Jingle bell jingle bell
jingle bell rock *

* Jingle around the clock *
Isn’t that a pistol?

(audience laughing)

Sheer joy.

And now on a more serious note.

(audience laughing)

I just wanna say a word

to the families of our recently
released hostages.

I know that nothing,

(audience laughing)

nothing can make up

(audience laughing)

for the pain
you’ve suffered and...

(audience laughing)

I’m sorry about that...

And our prayers are with you
tonight.

So to sum up...

not a recession,
more of a hovering,

SaladShooter there,

beaded seat cushion,
thoughts with the hostages,

DieHard battery,
we are gonna make it

because it’s live from New York,

it’s Saturday NIGHTTTTTT!

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music playing)

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey!

Chris Farley!

Phil Hartman!

Victoria Jackson!

Mike Myers!

Kevin Nealon!

Chris Rock!

Julia Sweeney!

With Ellen Cleghorne!

Siobhan Fallon!

Tim Meadows!

Adam Sandler!

Rob Schneider!

David Spade!

And featuring Beth Cahill!

Melanie Hutsell!

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live band!

And starring Hammer!

Ladies and gentlemen, Hammer!

Thank you very much.

(audience cheering and clapping)

Thank you.

(audience cheering)

It’s Hammer Time!

(audience cheering)

And Hammer is very happy
to be here, in New York,

hosting Saturday Night Live.

(audience cheering)

Well it’s been a pretty
good year for the Hammer.

Hammer’s new album is selling
like hot cakes,

and the Addams Family movie

is currently number one
at the box office!

(audience cheering)

So, needless to say the Hammer
man is pretty psyched up about
all this.

In fact, I was talking to Hammer
before the show,

and Hammer he was saying
a couple of things now.

He said he’s never
been this excited.

And uh, he never
done live TV before.

But I told Hammer there’s
nothing to worry about,

calm down...

(audience cheering)

Okay, Hammer, I’m ready Hammer.

Michael, what are you doing?

I’m here to accept
your challenge.

(audience laughing)

You kind of caught me
in the middle of doing something
here, Michael, you know,

- Saturday Night Live.
- I’m ready right nowwww!

(music starts playing)

Stop! Hold on, hold on,
hold on, Fred Astaire.

Come on, Hammer,
right now Hammer!

Let’s throw down, Hammer!

(audience laughing)

Alright, look, look, look.

I’m really busy tonight,
alright, I’m really busy,

so you’re the greatest okay,
you’re the greatest, seriously,

I mean it.

Challenge is over.
You don’t have to prove it.

You win!

You’re smart,
Hammer, you’re smart!

You know why?

Cuz I’m dangerous.

Alright, then let’s be buddies,
come on, let’s be buddies!

(audience cheering)

Alright, everyone, let’s
get started shall we?

Would someone like to close
the door? Thank you.

Alright, uh, who
would like to begin?

Go ahead.

Hello, my name is Bob.

- Hello Bob.
- Hello Bob.

And I have a bad haircut.

It’s been two weeks since my
last haircut and still bad.

(audience laughing)

But it doesn’t mean that
I’m not an attractive person.

That was good,
that was very good!

Now what has Bob told himself
and it’s very important.

He’s saying to himself

- I am not a loser.
- I am not a loser.

- I just have a bad haircut.
- I just have a bad haircut.

Right! Good! Anyone else?

Hello, I’m Jerry.

- Hello Jerry.
- Hello Jerry.

And uh, I’m having a little
problem with my hair.

Uh-huh. Good! Continue.

I’m not worried, uh, I think
it’s something I can get under
control.

Maybe I slept on it wrong,

or maybe I’m using
the wrong conditioner.

Uh-huh.

Uh, who am I kidding?

I’ve got a bad haircut!

Oh God, help me!

I’m Jerry and I’ve got
a bad haircut!

Good, good, good!

Now what does Jerry
need to tell himself?

He needs to say to himself right
now I am not march for life.

- It will grow out!
- It will grow out!

(audience laughing)

It will grow out and thank you.

- That was very good.
- Thank you.

Hi everybody.

My name is Eddie and
I got a bad haircut.

- Hello Eddie.
- Hello Eddie.

Yeah, you know, you’re going
to a barber and you ask for
a little up the top

and the next thing you know
the floor looks like
Ed Hausner’s back.

(audience laughing)

I mean, what are they?
Paid by the pound?

He knows what I’m talking about.

She doesn’t get it!
She’s saying, "what honey?"

He’s not. Oh yeah.

Say, I was in the supermarket
and I was in the "express
checkout" line the other day--

Eddie! Eddie!

Don’t use the group to try
your new material, okay?

Oh no, really,
I got a bad haircut.

Of course you’ve got
a bad haircut,
you’re a stand-up comic.

Alright, fine, maybe we
should talk to someone else.

Uh-huh.

Okay. I got a bad haircut again.

It’s my second bad
haircut this month.

I went back to the same guy
I always go to

cuz I thought this time will be
different, except it’s not,

and now my face
looks like a moon pie...

and he... he never
does it right,

I keep going back to him cuz
he’s always been my stylist,

but I don’t know why.

You know, what I think, I
think you want a bad haircut.

No, I don’t.

- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don’t want it!

- Oh, yeah, you do.
- No, I don’t!

I’m sorry I have to go, I just
can’t hear this any more.

Uh-huh, and what is your name?

It doesn’t matter because
I just don’t belong here.

(audience laughing)

My family and friends forced me
and I don’t know why

because I’ve had this haircut
since 1965

and it’s not hurting anyone!

I think they don’t like it,
because I’m happy with it!

- It’s my fault.
- Uh-huh.

- I’m her husband.
- Uhm-mmm.

For years, she would say to me,
"How does my hair look honey?"

and I would say, "Fine!
It looks just fine!"

(audience laughing)

I wish I’d been more honest,
then maybe the children wouldn’t
be ashamed

- to bring their friends over.
- You lied to me!

Oh, honey, you can’t trust your
husband to tell you how you
really look.

(audience laughing)

He knows what you’d do to him
if he told you the truth.

Malcolm?

Yes?

How does my hair look
and tell the truth.

It look real fly, baby.

See?

E-e-excuse me.

But I don’t’ think you can hold
Malcolm responsible

for your mistakes.

I mean, he has to deal
with his own bad haircut!

What are you talking about?

Right here on the side,
it’s really screwed up.

Hey, I meant for that to happen.

I mean, I mean, hello? Hello?

I mean, you can see your
scalp on some parts.

Well , huh, I told him to do
that, thank you very much!

Oh, yeah, sure!

Everyone, everyone, Malcolm will
decide when he wants to talk

about his own bad haircut.

This is not a bad haircut!

That’s a bad haircut!

And that’s a bad haircut!

And baby, that is a bad haircut!

Malcom!

Truth will set you free.

Malcolm, don’t take your anger
out on your own hair on other
people.

The important thing is,
Malcolm, you came.

I came, yeah, I’m with her.
My hair looked good.

I don’t know what
you’re talkin’ about.

Malcolm, we’re glad.

Hello, Malcolm.

- Hello, Malcolm.
- Hello, Malcolm.

This is not a bad haircut!

This is a look!

Okay, well, hmmm,
our time is up.

So until when we meet again,
what will we say to ourselves?

I believe, there is a stylist...

[all:]
...who understands the shape
of my head

and the kind of hear I have.

And if I bring a picture from
a magazine and show it to him,

he will cut it that way.

Alright, I’ll see you next week.

Why does your hair
always look so good?

Next week.

(audience clapping and cheering)

[Announcer:]
Weekend Update with Kevin
Nealon

(audience cheering)

(audience laughing)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon
and I’m an alleged anchorman.

Our lead story...

Our... can we just...
get this part over with,

I’d like to get on with
the news, if.. just.. can we...

(audience clapping)

In Palm Beach, legal experts are
divided on the extent to which

Willy Smith may have hurt his
chances when after being asked
by Judge Mary Lupo

if he understands the charges
against him,

Willy replied,
"Yes, your honor, babe."

(audience laughing)

Former White House Chief
of Staff John Sununu,

who was labeled a pitbull for
his abrasive and aggressive
manner,

reluctantly
resigned this week.

President Bush regrettably
accepted his resignation,

then called the Humane Society
to have him picked up and
destroyed.

(audience laughing)

The outgoing Chief of Staff says
he will lease his name to
King Features Syndicate

for use in their popular
word jumble feature.

(audience laughing)

In a late breaking story, Japan
announced it will apologize

for the sneak attack
on Pearl Harbor.

The apology will be released
by the Sony Corporation

and available on compact
disc for $12.95.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Several, uh, I’m sorry.

In a speech marking
the anniversary,

Vice President Dan Quayle
assured the American public

that even though the harbor was
nearly destroyed in the attack,

our pearl industry has
completely recovered.

(audience laughing)

Several networks aired specials
this week on Pearl Harbor.

ABC offered "Pearl Harbor,
2 Hours that Changed the World";

CBS aired, "Remember
Pearl Harbor";

and the Disney channel gave us,
’Honey I Sunk the Ships’.

(audience laughing)

The game "Monopoly" will no
longer be sold in the United
States.

Toymakers feel it’s just too
unrealistic and gets peoples’
hopes up.

(audience laughing)

In a recent meeting of
the Japanese parliament,

the surprise attack on the US
Pearl Harbor was commemorated

by a surprise attack on
an American made suit.

(audience laughing)

I like that.

The only portrait painted of
Christopher Columbus while he
was still alive

was discovered
this week.

Among other things, the painting
surprisingly reveals

that Columbus’ head was indeed
flat and not round as previously
believed.

(audience laughing)

According to Education
Secretary Lamar Alexander,

college scholarships will no
longer be rewarded on a quota
basis,

because it’s not
fair to other races.

Scholarships will also not be
rewarded based on intellect

because it’s not fair
to stupid people.

(audience laughing)

Scholarships will now be
given out alphabetically.

(audience clapping and cheering)

NBC News yesterday
fired 18 news writers...

(audience laughing)

That’s all it says
here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored
the Thanksgiving airing of ET,
the Extra Terrestrial.

With Sears sponsoring the film,
they had to make a few changes.

In this version, when the kid
rides his bicycle over the moon,

it breaks down.

(audience laughing)

Let’s take a look
at a recent satellite photo.

(audience laughing)

There it is, looks okay.

And Beauty and the Beast did
well at the box office this
week.

(audience applauding)

Ladies and gentlemen, here with
her holiday update is SNL soul
sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

(audience cheering)

Thank you Kevin, or should I
say, "Ahsante sana, abaragani."

Wha- what? Abari...? I’m sorry.

It’s Swahili, you know Swahili,
the language that we speak
in the Bronx.

(audience laughing)

And it’s a greeting.

A-aba?

Keep practicing.

Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa
back from Harlem where I learned

all about Kwanzaa today.

Kwanzaa is a Swahili
word and it means,

"Santa don’t come to my house."

(audience laughing)

I’m so glad we got
our own holiday.

When I was a kid, I was
tired of people asking me,

"What does Santa bring you?
What does Santa bring you?"

Santa comes down a chimney,
I grew up in the projects,

where was he gonna come
from, out the incinerator?

(audience laughing)

Huhhh, you know
what I mean, Kevin?

Uh, oburogoni?

Eh, not quite.

Kwanzaa is a seven day
holiday and you pray a lot.

On the first day, we pray for
our lost brothers and sisters.

On the first day, I’m gonna
pray for Michael Jackson.

Huuhhh. I’m gonna pray
he gets his mind back.

(audience laughing)

Now what’s wrong with that
child? Has anyone seen his mind?

Cuz he clearly lost it sometime
after "Thriller", singing about,

"It doesn’t matter if
you’re black or white."

If it doesn’t matter,
they why are you so white?

(audience cheering and clapping)

Of course it matters,
cuz if it didn’t matter,

you’d just leave it the way it
is, why bother to change it,
right?

If you change something,
then it matters.

If it doesn’t matter,
then you just leave it alone,
right Kevin?

- Abaragani!
- Yes!

(audience laughing)

And then I’m gonna pray
for Milli and Vanilli,

another Swahili name.
Milli Vanilli, translation,

"I’m not singing. You?
Uh-uh, me neither."

(audience laughing and clapping)

Milli tried to commit suicide
by jumping out the window.

Well he didn’t really jump,
he got somebody else
to jump for him.

(audience laughing)

On a serious note, I’m gonna
pray for Nelson Mandela,

who was in town this week
addressing the United Nations.

His first visit was heralded
with ticker tape parade and no
parade this time.

And that’s alright, cuz some of
my sisters and brothers didn’t
get it.

You know when he came before,
cuz I was hanging out

with my stupid girlfriend,
Christine, she said,

"Why are they giving him
a ticker tape parade?"

I said, "Cuz he was in
prison for 27 years."

She said, "So?

My father was in prison for 27
years they gave him no ticker
tape parade."

I said, "See, it’s different.

See, Nelson Mandela was
imprisoned for liberating his
people

and your father was
imprisoned

for liberating them TVs
from their department store!"

(audience laughing and clapping)

Huuhh. She’s stupid, I’m praying
for her, too.

Her mind is out there frolicking
in the madness with Michael.

So much to pray for Kevin,
I better get me some kneepads,

what you think?

Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Oh! Abaragani to you too, Kevin,
and goodnight!

(audience clapping and cheering)

Abaragani, abaragani.

Abaragani.

New York City public schools
have begun distributing condoms

to students, making this the
first generation of youngsters

who will have their lambskins
before they have their
sheepskins.

(audience laughing)

The New York Mets will be
paying outfielder Bobby Bonilla

29 million dollars
for a five year contract.

This makes him the highest
paid player in team sports.

29 million dollars,
just think about it.

(audience laughing)

And in other sports news,

throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s
recent autobiography,

the superstar divides book
sections with "Wiltisms",

which is kind of a proverb
he recommends should guide
your life.

For example, here’s one
we’ve all heard before,

"If at first you don’t succeed,
try 20,000 more times."

(audience laughing)

Serial murderer Richard Speck
died of a heart attack Wednesday

after complaining
of chest pains.

The ailing prisoner was
transferred to a local hospital

where efforts by a student nurse
to revive him with a toilet
plunger failed.

We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study
published today concluded that

aspirin, the classic
headache remedy,

can lessen your risk
of colon cancer.

Providing of course, you’ve got
your head up your ass.

I’m Kevin Nealon
and that’s news to me.

(audience cheering and clapping)

Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Okay, and you are...?

Kenneth Hornaday.

Right, right and
this is regarding...?

Yes I’m with Bradford
Contracting,

I have some blueprints
of Dick’s new bedroom

and he wanted to take
a look at ’em.

Uh huh, and you have
an appointment or you...?

Well, no, he just
said to come by today.

Okay. Great. If you could just
have a seat.

Well actually
I have another meeting.

You know how long--

You know he’s so backed up,
it might be a while,

you understand,
it’s crazy today!

Really?

But it’s only 9 AM.

I know. If you could just
have a seat.

But you’ve only been
open for a minute.

I know, if you could
just have a seat, thanks.

Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi.

Yeah, I’m here to
see Dick Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Tell him it’s Hammer.

Right, and this is regarding...?

He’s doing the American Music
Awards and he wants me to be
a part of it.

Uh huh, and he would
know you because you...

You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Hammer Time, is that a TV show
or something?

I don’t really...

No, look, I’m a rapper and
actually I’m pretty well known.

You know you might
have heard my song.

* Doom doom doom, bu du,
bu du, can’t touch this. *

Mmm mmm mmm mmm-

I’m sorry.

I don’t really listen to much
music, more of a reader.

I’m sure you’re very gifted.

If you could just have a seat.

Hey, can I just get your last
name? I’m not sure Hammer
would ring a bell.

Look, it’s Hammer,
you know, like Madonna!

Right, and she is...?

(audience laughing)

Your momma! Never mind,
forget it.

Man, his stupid...

Would you be a lamb and
take your foot off that? Thanks.

(audience laughing)

You know staring at me like
that isn’t gonna get you in
any faster.

(audience laughing)

Yes?

Por favor, quiero
entrar la oficina.

Usted es...?

(audience laughing)

Madama Rosa.

E es regardando...

E es necesario que
cambia la basura.

Si, si.

Por favor, toco un sitio.

Por que?

Toco un sitio. Gracias.

(in robotic voice:)
I must communicate with
earthling Richard Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Right and this is regarding...?

The end of humanity.

And you’re on Earth
because you...?

Must tell Dick Clark to go on
television airwaves

to warn people of this planet of
imminent doom and destruction.

Right, and you were
referred to us by...?

’Meglar the all knowing’.

I must warn all humans that
because of your warlike ways,

you will be punished
when a fleet of star cruisers

representing all the planets--

Okay, okay, shhh, shhh, got it,
enough, thank you, too much.

I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna
put "regarding warlike ways",

okay?

And when you see him
you can elaborate, okay?

If you could just have
a seat it’ll be a minute.

This is urgent.

Well, there’s three
people in front of you,

if you can work it out
with them, fine, if not,

just be patient, thanks.

Hey, is he even here?

I’m sorry, refresh me,
you are...?

Kenneth Hornaday?

Okay, Kenneth, if you
could just be patient.

I can’t stand it when you run
into a little grunt like this,

thinks he’s running everything.

I could just kill him!

Hmm, whispering about me isn’t
gonna get you in any faster.

Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

(audience laughing)

I have two chicago dogs
to be delivered in person

to human Dick Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Jeff from Weiner Hut.

(audience laughing)

Right, sorry Kremlock,
I know it’s you.

Now you’ve lost
your place in line.

If I were you, I’d just
sit and be patient, okay?

Nice hat.

Sorry.

Are you reading that?

Nah, go ahead.

(phone rings)

Dick Clark Productions.

Okay, and you are...?

* For standing up to trouble *

* there’s no one better *

* than the man
with the typewriter *

* known as Johnny Letter *

* they call him Johnny Letter *

(piano music playing)

Wooh! That’s good whiskey.

Hey, don’t you think they
got good whiskey here?

Yes. Usually they do.

Whooh. I have been on the trail
for two months.

We don’t get no
whiskey out there.

We don’t get any.

That’s very interesting,
but uh, if you’ll excuse us,

my friend and I are trying to
have a private conversation.

Well, pardon mois.

Say, maybe you should let
me buy you a drink, huh, fella?

No, thank you.

You know, I think
you need a drink.

And here it is

How’s it taste?

What’s everybody looking at?

I’m just having a
little bit of fun.

You shouldn’t have
done that, mister.

You know who that was?

That was Johnny Letter,

he writes the best letters
in the West.

Letters?

I don’t care about no letters.

That’s what I used to think.

Then one day I gave him
a shot out of some bad rotgut.

He wrote a letter
to the Chamber of Commerce

and after that my business
really slowed down.

You’d be surprised how many
people referred to that list
they have.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Another time he slipped and
fell out there in the mud,

it struck as pretty
funny and we all laughed.

Yep, we weren’t
laughing for long.

- No, we weren’t.
- No, we weren’t.

He wrote a letter to the editor
and it all came out

in the Sunday paper.

He made us looked like fools!

(music playing)

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I did, Jake. Sit down.

I got this letter from
a man named Johnny Letter.

It’s clear and concise,

making his point firmly
but without anger.

In it he says that you threw
a glass of whiskey in his face,

is that true?

Well, yes sir, I’m afraid so.

Well, Mr. Letter is wondering if
this is the kind of behavior

the town’s people
can expect from us,

and frankly I find myself
wondering the same thing.

You see, Jake, when you go into
town, it’s not just you going,

it’s me, and it’s Floppy
and it’s Toothless

and it’s Beaverhead...

(audience laughing)

Squishy and little Squishy,

and Gabby and Garbanzo

and Big Squishy and Roy,

Psycho, and all the rest.

Sir, I’ll go apologize to
Mr. Letter right away.

(Narrator:)
Some of the other drovers
were disgusted

when they heard how Jake had
ridden back into town,

lickety-split, to apologize.

But then, none of them had ever
been the victim of a succinct,

biting missive from
the man they called...

* Johnny Letter *

(audience cheering)

(Narrator:)
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

(Male voice:)
One thing kinds like
is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going
to take my little nephew
to Disneyland.

But instead I drove him
to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said,
"Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down he thought

that it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over
to the real Disneyland,

but it was getting pretty late.

(audience clapping)

- Pop...
- Mmm?

It’s winter, why don’t you
just cook those ribs inside?

And where would I do that?

In a damn microwave?

In your fancy
self-cleaning oven?

Oven cleaning itself,
that ain’t right.

Besides you want
the fog on the grill,

that’s where you get the flavor.

(audience laughing)

Dad, it’s 12 degrees out.

Oh, you think this is cold?

How about I tell you about
the time that I barbecued

on an iceberg
that sunk the Titanic?

- Wow!
- Hmmm.

That’s how your
granddaddy got so famous.

I heard that one before.

Oh, you did?

Well here one you ain’t heard.

Ain’t none of you
heard this one.

I was with Admiral Void
on a first expedition
to the North Pole.

(music)

(Announcer:)
Tales From The Barbecue

(Male voice:)
Word of my special sauce
had reached the Admiral

as he was putting
together his new team.

Next thing I know I was signed
on as the expedition cook.

I was barbecuing on the rear
sled when a freak blizzard
whipped up.

Wind shield was 300 below
zero, even around the Weber.

Now that was cold.

In a way, I was just about to
flip the meat when I realized

I was separated from the rest
of the expedition.

Did the men starve, grandpa?

Oh this ain’t a story
about feeding people.

This is a story
about Santa Claus.

Dad, the kids don’t
believe in Santa Claus.

Don’t believe in Santa Claus?

Well, Santa Claus is real
and I saved his life.

See up ahead of my sled
I saw something.

Wooh wooh!

Slow down there!

And it turned out
to be Santa Claus.

Santa, wake up, Santa.

Come on, Santa wake up!

I knew what it would be sure
to snap him out of it:

a good whiff
of my special sauce.

Momma!

Momma?

You wish your momma
made a sauce like this!

Did Santa get there, grandpa?

Mmm?

Oh well, uh, let’s see, uh...

it was an accident,
yeah, yeah, crash landed.

Cuz you see, at the time in
addition to his eight reindeer,

Santa had a flying cow.

- Oh, okay, Pop!
- What?

Ain’t you ever heard of a cow
that jumped over the moon?

Well it’s the same cow.

That’s right, named Bossy.

You know, on Donner,
on Blitzen, on Bossy, on Vixen.

Now, what happened?

Oh, it’s terrible.

Bossy, she broke her leg on
take-off and I don’t know
what to do!

See once a flying cow
break its leg,

he ain’t no good to nobody.

What are you doing?

At least not alive.

Bossy, bossy, I want
you to look down around.

That’s right, I think I see
a big belly hair baby,

why don’t you look over there?

What are you doing
there with that pistol?

(gunshot)

Was Santa mad, grandpa?

Well, he was at first,
but not for long.

Cuz you see my sauce combined
with the short ribs
of a flying cow,

that would take the mad
out of anybody!

Mmm-mmm.

Goodbye Bossy.

Hello good eat!

But you know I gotta
be making my rounds.

Otherwise there will be a whole
lot of disappointed boys and
girls.

Hold on, maybe a little
bit more of that sauce.

Oh ho ho...

Ho ho ho.. Merry Christmas!

Man, that’s good!

- Wow!
- Wow!

Yep, you see if it wasn’t for
your grandpa and his sauce,

there might not have been
a Christmas that year

or any year since
for that matter.

Uh, what happened
to Admiral, Pop?

Oh, see that’s a sad story cuz
I had all the food

so they ended up
eating each other.

Sad story.

Cuz you see human flesh is
pretty tasteless unless, well,

unless you know,
you got the sauce.

Which reminds me of the time
I was in New Guinea

and a tribe of cannibals forced
me to barbecue a missionary.

(Announcer:)
Next on Tales From The Barbecue

(audience clapping and cheering)

(Announcer:)
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey

(Male voice:)
It takes a big man to cry,

but it takes a bigger
man to laugh at that man.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Okay, everybody,
let’s get started.

Need to talk about what’s gonna
be on page 1, our lead story.

Well obviously, it’s gonna be
the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Well, that’s a big story,
no doubt about it.

So how big a headline we want?

244 point or should we
go all the way to 300?

Now I say 300 because people are
gonna want to keep this paper

for years and years.

I mean, this is history.

Oh, hold on Bill. We all agreed
that the Pearl Harbor thing
is a big story,

but uh, let’s see what other
possible lead stories we might
have. Larry?

Well, uh, we have...

Other stories?

Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.
That’s your lead story...

Look, Bill, this whole attack
thing is going to be in--

In? Japs sneak attack!
US to head war!

That’s your front page!
Right there, man..

(audience laughing)

Listen, Bill.
We’ve all heard your side.

We know you’re all hot on this
Pearl Harbor kick but uh,

let’s listen to the other
fellas, they work here too,
right?

Jimmy, what do we
have on sports?

Well uh, the Lady Bulldogs have
a shot at going to the state
finals this year.

For finals? Really?

Gentlemen, we are at war!

Bill, Bill!

No one’s saying that the Lady
Bulldogs are our lead story.

But it is local.

I mean, do we have
one Japanese person in Turrel?

We live in infamy,
that’s what the President says.

Larry, how about the police bit?

Well, some kids broke into
the high school

and caused $400 worth of damage
to some typewriters.

- $400?
- Yes, sir.

Now, Bill, that is something
that affects our readers.

They’re gonna have to pay
for those typewriters!

Carl, what’s cooking in weather?

I’ll tell you what’s
happening in the weather.

It’s raining bombs in Hawaii!
That’s what.

(audience laughing)

Carl, I noticed it’s a little
windy on my way over here,

is there anything to that?

Yeah, as a matter of
fact there is, Tad.

You know, we just might have
a tornado watch on our hands.

Oh, is that the same
as a tornado warning?

No, there are three stages.
Watch, alert and warning.

So you’re telling me there’s
a chance we might be hit
by a tornado?

Yep.

Bill, now, aren’t you
glad we talked about this?

(music)

(audience laughing and clapping)

(music playing)

Alright, I wanna
thank everybody.

Thank New York,
the rest of America.

I wanna send a special shout out
to Abby and John Canali

at the MTV for getting my back.

I appreciate that
and thank everybody else,

Saturday Night Live!

(audience clapping and cheering)

(music)