Original subtitles

[Announcer:] The following is a message

from the President of the United States.

Good evening.

You know, as I speak here tonight, we’re in the midst

of the holiday season here, normally a season to cheer,

a time to rejoice at our good fortune

and this year, no different.

So much to be thankful for.

Certainly not a time to panic.

(audience laughing)

Just take her easy there.

Sure, certainly, the economy is a little sluggish,

momentarily a bit soft, notice I didn’t say recession.

(audience laughing)

Not afraid to say recession. Recession. Recession!

(audience laughing)

Heck I’ll say it all day, but I don’t have to

because we’re not in a recession.

We’re not even in a downturn here, we’re more of a...

In sort of a hovering action there.

We’re kind of hovering around, as if idly in there,

waiting for the checkered flag of the Christmas shopping season

to start our economic engines, and how as Americans

do we take part?

By doing what we have always done, we consume.

(audience laughing)

But that’s who we are, let’s not fight it.

We are a nation of consumers: we love to shop, shop, shop!

I don’t know how many of you’ve been to the mall lately, I can tell you I have,

and I have to tell you, it’s the greatest show on earth.

You got Radio-- Radio Shack there.

Chess King, Foot Locker, Orange Julius, Benetton,

Mrs. Fields... Chewy!

(audience laughing)

They’re good, they’re good.

And of course, the GAP.

(audience cheering and clapping)

.

You know it’s fun stuff.

It’s just fun to be in that mall.

There is so much to do, so much to eat, so much to buy.

Right here from the people at Presto, the SaladShooter.

There it is the SaladShooter, stuff things in there,

they go flying out of there.

This baby is able to slice a ripe tomato into 57 symmetrical wedges,

just $34.98. That’s right, $34.98.

You heard me.

They’re going fast, don’t hesitate.

Over here we got Toasties here...

(audience laughing)

...made by The Friendly People at Totes.

It’s a sock with a little tread on the bottom.

Remember those mukluk things? They’re kind of like mukluks, only lighter.

(audience laughing)

$8. You heard me correct. $8.

They are going fast.

How about the Hickory Farm’s Party in a Box?

(audience cheering and laughing)

Ain’t that cute? That’s adorable.

Less than $20.

You got that summer sausage in there,

that cheddar cheese crock.

Sesame crackers, they’re crunchy and delicious.

And why not wash it all down with a six-pack of Bud Dry.

(audience cheering)

Why ask why Bud Dry?

(audience laughing)

We’re gonna be okay and here is something to think about.

What do taxi drivers know that you don’t?

Quickest way to the airport? Sure.

Maybe the best doughnut shops? Perhaps.

One thing for certain, they know that the most comfortable ride

is on... a beaded seat cushion.

(audience cheering)

Feels a little creepy.

This baby will massage you while you drive, just $24.99.

You heard me, I won’t repeat it.

If I’m lying, I’m dying. $24.99.

And I know a lot of you are thinking,

"sure these are marvelous products, maybe in these uncertain times

I should hang on to my money."

My answer to that is, where are you going to put it?

To savings and loan in a bank? Hey, good luck.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Now call me old fashioned but I’d like to put my money

into something tangible, something solid, something like this.

The Sears DieHard battery.

The DieHard, 100% American.

Finally, sometimes you wanna get something just to reward yourself,

just for the sheer enjoyment of it,

which brings us to this tasty item, the Green Machine.

Damn this little thing.

Little frog band in there, ain’t that cute?

Saw it in the checkout line, point of purchase, they call it.

Sort of an impulse buy.

A voice said to me, "Don’t pass this up."

I said, "Not gonna buy it." Not. Gonna. Buy. It.

(audience laughing)

Bought it

(audience laughing)

You see it’s a whole combo here, voice activated, very clever.

* Jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock *

* Jingle around the clock * Isn’t that a pistol?

(audience laughing)

Sheer joy.

And now on a more serious note.

(audience laughing)

I just wanna say a word

to the families of our recently released hostages.

I know that nothing,

(audience laughing)

nothing can make up

(audience laughing)

for the pain you’ve suffered and...

(audience laughing)

I’m sorry about that...

And our prayers are with you tonight.

So to sum up...

not a recession, more of a hovering,

SaladShooter there,

beaded seat cushion, thoughts with the hostages,

DieHard battery, we are gonna make it

because it’s live from New York,

it’s Saturday NIGHTTTTTT!

(audience cheering and clapping)

(music playing)

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live!

With Dana Carvey!

Chris Farley!

Phil Hartman!

Victoria Jackson!

Mike Myers!

Kevin Nealon!

Chris Rock!

Julia Sweeney!

With Ellen Cleghorne!

Siobhan Fallon!

Tim Meadows!

Adam Sandler!

Rob Schneider!

David Spade!

And featuring Beth Cahill!

Melanie Hutsell!

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live band!

And starring Hammer!

Ladies and gentlemen, Hammer!

Thank you very much.

(audience cheering and clapping)

Thank you.

(audience cheering)

It’s Hammer Time!

(audience cheering)

And Hammer is very happy to be here, in New York,

hosting Saturday Night Live.

(audience cheering)

Well it’s been a pretty good year for the Hammer.

Hammer’s new album is selling like hot cakes,

and the Addams Family movie

is currently number one at the box office!

(audience cheering)

So, needless to say the Hammer man is pretty psyched up about all this.

In fact, I was talking to Hammer before the show,

and Hammer he was saying a couple of things now.

He said he’s never been this excited.

And uh, he never done live TV before.

But I told Hammer there’s nothing to worry about,

calm down...

(audience cheering)

Okay, Hammer, I’m ready Hammer.

Michael, what are you doing?

I’m here to accept your challenge.

(audience laughing)

You kind of caught me in the middle of doing something here, Michael, you know,

- Saturday Night Live. - I’m ready right nowwww!

(music starts playing)

Stop! Hold on, hold on, hold on, Fred Astaire.

Come on, Hammer, right now Hammer!

Let’s throw down, Hammer!

(audience laughing)

Alright, look, look, look.

I’m really busy tonight, alright, I’m really busy,

so you’re the greatest okay, you’re the greatest, seriously,

I mean it.

Challenge is over. You don’t have to prove it.

You win!

You’re smart, Hammer, you’re smart!

You know why?

Cuz I’m dangerous.

Alright, then let’s be buddies, come on, let’s be buddies!

(audience cheering)

Alright, everyone, let’s get started shall we?

Would someone like to close the door? Thank you.

Alright, uh, who would like to begin?

Go ahead.

Hello, my name is Bob.

- Hello Bob. - Hello Bob.

And I have a bad haircut.

It’s been two weeks since my last haircut and still bad.

(audience laughing)

But it doesn’t mean that I’m not an attractive person.

That was good, that was very good!

Now what has Bob told himself and it’s very important.

He’s saying to himself

- I am not a loser. - I am not a loser.

- I just have a bad haircut. - I just have a bad haircut.

Right! Good! Anyone else?

Hello, I’m Jerry.

- Hello Jerry. - Hello Jerry.

And uh, I’m having a little problem with my hair.

Uh-huh. Good! Continue.

I’m not worried, uh, I think it’s something I can get under control.

Maybe I slept on it wrong,

or maybe I’m using the wrong conditioner.

Uh-huh.

Uh, who am I kidding?

I’ve got a bad haircut!

Oh God, help me!

I’m Jerry and I’ve got a bad haircut!

Good, good, good!

Now what does Jerry need to tell himself?

He needs to say to himself right now I am not march for life.

- It will grow out! - It will grow out!

(audience laughing)

It will grow out and thank you.

- That was very good. - Thank you.

Hi everybody.

My name is Eddie and I got a bad haircut.

- Hello Eddie. - Hello Eddie.

Yeah, you know, you’re going to a barber and you ask for a little up the top

and the next thing you know the floor looks like Ed Hausner’s back.

(audience laughing)

I mean, what are they? Paid by the pound?

He knows what I’m talking about.

She doesn’t get it! She’s saying, "what honey?"

He’s not. Oh yeah.

Say, I was in the supermarket and I was in the "express checkout" line the other day--

Eddie! Eddie!

Don’t use the group to try your new material, okay?

Oh no, really, I got a bad haircut.

Of course you’ve got a bad haircut, you’re a stand-up comic.

Alright, fine, maybe we should talk to someone else.

Uh-huh.

Okay. I got a bad haircut again.

It’s my second bad haircut this month.

I went back to the same guy I always go to

cuz I thought this time will be different, except it’s not,

and now my face looks like a moon pie...

and he... he never does it right,

I keep going back to him cuz he’s always been my stylist,

but I don’t know why.

You know, what I think, I think you want a bad haircut.

No, I don’t.

- Yeah, you do. - No, I don’t want it!

- Oh, yeah, you do. - No, I don’t!

I’m sorry I have to go, I just can’t hear this any more.

Uh-huh, and what is your name?

It doesn’t matter because I just don’t belong here.

(audience laughing)

My family and friends forced me and I don’t know why

because I’ve had this haircut since 1965

and it’s not hurting anyone!

I think they don’t like it, because I’m happy with it!

- It’s my fault. - Uh-huh.

- I’m her husband. - Uhm-mmm.

For years, she would say to me, "How does my hair look honey?"

and I would say, "Fine! It looks just fine!"

(audience laughing)

I wish I’d been more honest, then maybe the children wouldn’t be ashamed

- to bring their friends over. - You lied to me!

Oh, honey, you can’t trust your husband to tell you how you really look.

(audience laughing)

He knows what you’d do to him if he told you the truth.

Malcolm?

Yes?

How does my hair look and tell the truth.

It look real fly, baby.

See?

E-e-excuse me.

But I don’t’ think you can hold Malcolm responsible

for your mistakes.

I mean, he has to deal with his own bad haircut!

What are you talking about?

Right here on the side, it’s really screwed up.

Hey, I meant for that to happen.

I mean, I mean, hello? Hello?

I mean, you can see your scalp on some parts.

Well , huh, I told him to do that, thank you very much!

Oh, yeah, sure!

Everyone, everyone, Malcolm will decide when he wants to talk

about his own bad haircut.

This is not a bad haircut!

That’s a bad haircut!

And that’s a bad haircut!

And baby, that is a bad haircut!

Malcom!

Truth will set you free.

Malcolm, don’t take your anger out on your own hair on other people.

The important thing is, Malcolm, you came.

I came, yeah, I’m with her. My hair looked good.

I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

Malcolm, we’re glad.

Hello, Malcolm.

- Hello, Malcolm. - Hello, Malcolm.

This is not a bad haircut!

This is a look!

Okay, well, hmmm, our time is up.

So until when we meet again, what will we say to ourselves?

I believe, there is a stylist...

[all:] ...who understands the shape of my head

and the kind of hear I have.

And if I bring a picture from a magazine and show it to him,

he will cut it that way.

Alright, I’ll see you next week.

Why does your hair always look so good?

Next week.

(audience clapping and cheering)

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

(audience cheering)

(audience laughing)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m an alleged anchorman.

Our lead story...

Our... can we just... get this part over with,

I’d like to get on with the news, if.. just.. can we...

(audience clapping)

In Palm Beach, legal experts are divided on the extent to which

Willy Smith may have hurt his chances when after being asked by Judge Mary Lupo

if he understands the charges against him,

Willy replied, "Yes, your honor, babe."

(audience laughing)

Former White House Chief of Staff John Sununu,

who was labeled a pitbull for his abrasive and aggressive manner,

reluctantly resigned this week.

President Bush regrettably accepted his resignation,

then called the Humane Society to have him picked up and destroyed.

(audience laughing)

The outgoing Chief of Staff says he will lease his name to King Features Syndicate

for use in their popular word jumble feature.

(audience laughing)

In a late breaking story, Japan announced it will apologize

for the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.

The apology will be released by the Sony Corporation

and available on compact disc for $12.95.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Several, uh, I’m sorry.

In a speech marking the anniversary,

Vice President Dan Quayle assured the American public

that even though the harbor was nearly destroyed in the attack,

our pearl industry has completely recovered.

(audience laughing)

Several networks aired specials this week on Pearl Harbor.

ABC offered "Pearl Harbor, 2 Hours that Changed the World";

CBS aired, "Remember Pearl Harbor";

and the Disney channel gave us, ’Honey I Sunk the Ships’.

(audience laughing)

The game "Monopoly" will no longer be sold in the United States.

Toymakers feel it’s just too unrealistic and gets peoples’ hopes up.

(audience laughing)

In a recent meeting of the Japanese parliament,

the surprise attack on the US Pearl Harbor was commemorated

by a surprise attack on an American made suit.

(audience laughing)

I like that.

The only portrait painted of Christopher Columbus while he was still alive

was discovered this week.

Among other things, the painting surprisingly reveals

that Columbus’ head was indeed flat and not round as previously believed.

(audience laughing)

According to Education Secretary Lamar Alexander,

college scholarships will no longer be rewarded on a quota basis,

because it’s not fair to other races.

Scholarships will also not be rewarded based on intellect

because it’s not fair to stupid people.

(audience laughing)

Scholarships will now be given out alphabetically.

(audience clapping and cheering)

NBC News yesterday fired 18 news writers...

(audience laughing)

That’s all it says here, I’m sorry.

Sears sponsored the Thanksgiving airing of ET, the Extra Terrestrial.

With Sears sponsoring the film, they had to make a few changes.

In this version, when the kid rides his bicycle over the moon,

it breaks down.

(audience laughing)

Let’s take a look at a recent satellite photo.

(audience laughing)

There it is, looks okay.

And Beauty and the Beast did well at the box office this week.

(audience applauding)

Ladies and gentlemen, here with her holiday update is SNL soul sister #1 Queen Shanequa.

(audience cheering)

Thank you Kevin, or should I say, "Ahsante sana, abaragani."

Wha- what? Abari...? I’m sorry.

It’s Swahili, you know Swahili, the language that we speak in the Bronx.

(audience laughing)

And it’s a greeting.

A-aba?

Keep practicing.

Hi ya’al, it’s Queen Shanequa back from Harlem where I learned

all about Kwanzaa today.

Kwanzaa is a Swahili word and it means,

"Santa don’t come to my house."

(audience laughing)

I’m so glad we got our own holiday.

When I was a kid, I was tired of people asking me,

"What does Santa bring you? What does Santa bring you?"

Santa comes down a chimney, I grew up in the projects,

where was he gonna come from, out the incinerator?

(audience laughing)

Huhhh, you know what I mean, Kevin?

Uh, oburogoni?

Eh, not quite.

Kwanzaa is a seven day holiday and you pray a lot.

On the first day, we pray for our lost brothers and sisters.

On the first day, I’m gonna pray for Michael Jackson.

Huuhhh. I’m gonna pray he gets his mind back.

(audience laughing)

Now what’s wrong with that child? Has anyone seen his mind?

Cuz he clearly lost it sometime after "Thriller", singing about,

"It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white."

If it doesn’t matter, they why are you so white?

(audience cheering and clapping)

Of course it matters, cuz if it didn’t matter,

you’d just leave it the way it is, why bother to change it, right?

If you change something, then it matters.

If it doesn’t matter, then you just leave it alone, right Kevin?

- Abaragani! - Yes!

(audience laughing)

And then I’m gonna pray for Milli and Vanilli,

another Swahili name. Milli Vanilli, translation,

"I’m not singing. You? Uh-uh, me neither."

(audience laughing and clapping)

Milli tried to commit suicide by jumping out the window.

Well he didn’t really jump, he got somebody else to jump for him.

(audience laughing)

On a serious note, I’m gonna pray for Nelson Mandela,

who was in town this week addressing the United Nations.

His first visit was heralded with ticker tape parade and no parade this time.

And that’s alright, cuz some of my sisters and brothers didn’t get it.

You know when he came before, cuz I was hanging out

with my stupid girlfriend, Christine, she said,

"Why are they giving him a ticker tape parade?"

I said, "Cuz he was in prison for 27 years."

She said, "So?

My father was in prison for 27 years they gave him no ticker tape parade."

I said, "See, it’s different.

See, Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for liberating his people

and your father was imprisoned

for liberating them TVs from their department store!"

(audience laughing and clapping)

Huuhh. She’s stupid, I’m praying for her, too.

Her mind is out there frolicking in the madness with Michael.

So much to pray for Kevin, I better get me some kneepads,

what you think?

Abaragani Queen Shanequa.

Oh! Abaragani to you too, Kevin, and goodnight!

(audience clapping and cheering)

Abaragani, abaragani.

Abaragani.

New York City public schools have begun distributing condoms

to students, making this the first generation of youngsters

who will have their lambskins before they have their sheepskins.

(audience laughing)

The New York Mets will be paying outfielder Bobby Bonilla

29 million dollars for a five year contract.

This makes him the highest paid player in team sports.

29 million dollars, just think about it.

(audience laughing)

And in other sports news,

throughout Wilt Chamberlain’s recent autobiography,

the superstar divides book sections with "Wiltisms",

which is kind of a proverb he recommends should guide your life.

For example, here’s one we’ve all heard before,

"If at first you don’t succeed, try 20,000 more times."

(audience laughing)

Serial murderer Richard Speck died of a heart attack Wednesday

after complaining of chest pains.

The ailing prisoner was transferred to a local hospital

where efforts by a student nurse to revive him with a toilet plunger failed.

We’re gonna miss him.

In medical news, a major study published today concluded that

aspirin, the classic headache remedy,

can lessen your risk of colon cancer.

Providing of course, you’ve got your head up your ass.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

(audience cheering and clapping)

Hi, I’m here to see Mr. Clark.

Okay, and you are...?

Kenneth Hornaday.

Right, right and this is regarding...?

Yes I’m with Bradford Contracting,

I have some blueprints of Dick’s new bedroom

and he wanted to take a look at ’em.

Uh huh, and you have an appointment or you...?

Well, no, he just said to come by today.

Okay. Great. If you could just have a seat.

Well actually I have another meeting.

You know how long--

You know he’s so backed up, it might be a while,

you understand, it’s crazy today!

Really?

But it’s only 9 AM.

I know. If you could just have a seat.

But you’ve only been open for a minute.

I know, if you could just have a seat, thanks.

Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi.

Yeah, I’m here to see Dick Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Tell him it’s Hammer.

Right, and this is regarding...?

He’s doing the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Uh huh, and he would know you because you...

You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something?

I don’t really...

No, look, I’m a rapper and actually I’m pretty well known.

You know you might have heard my song.

* Doom doom doom, bu du, bu du, can’t touch this. *

Mmm mmm mmm mmm-

I’m sorry.

I don’t really listen to much music, more of a reader.

I’m sure you’re very gifted.

If you could just have a seat.

Hey, can I just get your last name? I’m not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Look, it’s Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Right, and she is...?

(audience laughing)

Your momma! Never mind, forget it.

Man, his stupid...

Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that? Thanks.

(audience laughing)

You know staring at me like that isn’t gonna get you in any faster.

(audience laughing)

Yes?

Por favor, quiero entrar la oficina.

Usted es...?

(audience laughing)

Madama Rosa.

E es regardando...

E es necesario que cambia la basura.

Si, si.

Por favor, toco un sitio.

Por que?

Toco un sitio. Gracias.

(in robotic voice:) I must communicate with earthling Richard Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Right and this is regarding...?

The end of humanity.

And you’re on Earth because you...?

Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves

to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Right, and you were referred to us by...?

’Meglar the all knowing’.

I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways,

you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers

representing all the planets--

Okay, okay, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much.

I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna put "regarding warlike ways",

okay?

And when you see him you can elaborate, okay?

If you could just have a seat it’ll be a minute.

This is urgent.

Well, there’s three people in front of you,

if you can work it out with them, fine, if not,

just be patient, thanks.

Hey, is he even here?

I’m sorry, refresh me, you are...?

Kenneth Hornaday?

Okay, Kenneth, if you could just be patient.

I can’t stand it when you run into a little grunt like this,

thinks he’s running everything.

I could just kill him!

Hmm, whispering about me isn’t gonna get you in any faster.

Please Hammer, don’t hurt him.

(audience laughing)

I have two chicago dogs to be delivered in person

to human Dick Clark.

Uh huh, and you are...?

Jeff from Weiner Hut.

(audience laughing)

Right, sorry Kremlock, I know it’s you.

Now you’ve lost your place in line.

If I were you, I’d just sit and be patient, okay?

Nice hat.

Sorry.

Are you reading that?

Nah, go ahead.

(phone rings)

Dick Clark Productions.

Okay, and you are...?

* For standing up to trouble *

* there’s no one better *

* than the man with the typewriter *

* known as Johnny Letter *

* they call him Johnny Letter *

(piano music playing)

Wooh! That’s good whiskey.

Hey, don’t you think they got good whiskey here?

Yes. Usually they do.

Whooh. I have been on the trail for two months.

We don’t get no whiskey out there.

We don’t get any.

That’s very interesting, but uh, if you’ll excuse us,

my friend and I are trying to have a private conversation.

Well, pardon mois.

Say, maybe you should let me buy you a drink, huh, fella?

No, thank you.

You know, I think you need a drink.

And here it is

How’s it taste?

What’s everybody looking at?

I’m just having a little bit of fun.

You shouldn’t have done that, mister.

You know who that was?

That was Johnny Letter,

he writes the best letters in the West.

Letters?

I don’t care about no letters.

That’s what I used to think.

Then one day I gave him a shot out of some bad rotgut.

He wrote a letter to the Chamber of Commerce

and after that my business really slowed down.

You’d be surprised how many people referred to that list they have.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Another time he slipped and fell out there in the mud,

it struck as pretty funny and we all laughed.

Yep, we weren’t laughing for long.

- No, we weren’t. - No, we weren’t.

He wrote a letter to the editor and it all came out

in the Sunday paper.

He made us looked like fools!

(music playing)

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I did, Jake. Sit down.

I got this letter from a man named Johnny Letter.

It’s clear and concise,

making his point firmly but without anger.

In it he says that you threw a glass of whiskey in his face,

is that true?

Well, yes sir, I’m afraid so.

Well, Mr. Letter is wondering if this is the kind of behavior

the town’s people can expect from us,

and frankly I find myself wondering the same thing.

You see, Jake, when you go into town, it’s not just you going,

it’s me, and it’s Floppy and it’s Toothless

and it’s Beaverhead...

(audience laughing)

Squishy and little Squishy,

and Gabby and Garbanzo

and Big Squishy and Roy,

Psycho, and all the rest.

Sir, I’ll go apologize to Mr. Letter right away.

(Narrator:) Some of the other drovers were disgusted

when they heard how Jake had ridden back into town,

lickety-split, to apologize.

But then, none of them had ever been the victim of a succinct,

biting missive from the man they called...

* Johnny Letter *

(audience cheering)

(Narrator:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

(Male voice:) One thing kinds like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland.

But instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought

that it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,

but it was getting pretty late.

(audience clapping)

- Pop... - Mmm?

It’s winter, why don’t you just cook those ribs inside?

And where would I do that?

In a damn microwave?

In your fancy self-cleaning oven?

Oven cleaning itself, that ain’t right.

Besides you want the fog on the grill,

that’s where you get the flavor.

(audience laughing)

Dad, it’s 12 degrees out.

Oh, you think this is cold?

How about I tell you about the time that I barbecued

on an iceberg that sunk the Titanic?

- Wow! - Hmmm.

That’s how your granddaddy got so famous.

I heard that one before.

Oh, you did?

Well here one you ain’t heard.

Ain’t none of you heard this one.

I was with Admiral Void on a first expedition to the North Pole.

(music)

(Announcer:) Tales From The Barbecue

(Male voice:) Word of my special sauce had reached the Admiral

as he was putting together his new team.

Next thing I know I was signed on as the expedition cook.

I was barbecuing on the rear sled when a freak blizzard whipped up.

Wind shield was 300 below zero, even around the Weber.

Now that was cold.

In a way, I was just about to flip the meat when I realized

I was separated from the rest of the expedition.

Did the men starve, grandpa?

Oh this ain’t a story about feeding people.

This is a story about Santa Claus.

Dad, the kids don’t believe in Santa Claus.

Don’t believe in Santa Claus?

Well, Santa Claus is real and I saved his life.

See up ahead of my sled I saw something.

Wooh wooh!

Slow down there!

And it turned out to be Santa Claus.

Santa, wake up, Santa.

Come on, Santa wake up!

I knew what it would be sure to snap him out of it:

a good whiff of my special sauce.

Momma!

Momma?

You wish your momma made a sauce like this!

Did Santa get there, grandpa?

Mmm?

Oh well, uh, let’s see, uh...

it was an accident, yeah, yeah, crash landed.

Cuz you see, at the time in addition to his eight reindeer,

Santa had a flying cow.

- Oh, okay, Pop! - What?

Ain’t you ever heard of a cow that jumped over the moon?

Well it’s the same cow.

That’s right, named Bossy.

You know, on Donner, on Blitzen, on Bossy, on Vixen.

Now, what happened?

Oh, it’s terrible.

Bossy, she broke her leg on take-off and I don’t know what to do!

See once a flying cow break its leg,

he ain’t no good to nobody.

What are you doing?

At least not alive.

Bossy, bossy, I want you to look down around.

That’s right, I think I see a big belly hair baby,

why don’t you look over there?

What are you doing there with that pistol?

(gunshot)

Was Santa mad, grandpa?

Well, he was at first, but not for long.

Cuz you see my sauce combined with the short ribs of a flying cow,

that would take the mad out of anybody!

Mmm-mmm.

Goodbye Bossy.

Hello good eat!

But you know I gotta be making my rounds.

Otherwise there will be a whole lot of disappointed boys and girls.

Hold on, maybe a little bit more of that sauce.

Oh ho ho...

Ho ho ho.. Merry Christmas!

Man, that’s good!

- Wow! - Wow!

Yep, you see if it wasn’t for your grandpa and his sauce,

there might not have been a Christmas that year

or any year since for that matter.

Uh, what happened to Admiral, Pop?

Oh, see that’s a sad story cuz I had all the food

so they ended up eating each other.

Sad story.

Cuz you see human flesh is pretty tasteless unless, well,

unless you know, you got the sauce.

Which reminds me of the time I was in New Guinea

and a tribe of cannibals forced me to barbecue a missionary.

(Announcer:) Next on Tales From The Barbecue

(audience clapping and cheering)

(Announcer:) And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

(Male voice:) It takes a big man to cry,

but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

(audience laughing and clapping)

Okay, everybody, let’s get started.

Need to talk about what’s gonna be on page 1, our lead story.

Well obviously, it’s gonna be the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Well, that’s a big story, no doubt about it.

So how big a headline we want?

244 point or should we go all the way to 300?

Now I say 300 because people are gonna want to keep this paper

for years and years.

I mean, this is history.

Oh, hold on Bill. We all agreed that the Pearl Harbor thing is a big story,

but uh, let’s see what other possible lead stories we might have. Larry?

Well, uh, we have...

Other stories?

Japs attacked Pearl Harbor. That’s your lead story...

Look, Bill, this whole attack thing is going to be in--

In? Japs sneak attack! US to head war!

That’s your front page! Right there, man..

(audience laughing)

Listen, Bill. We’ve all heard your side.

We know you’re all hot on this Pearl Harbor kick but uh,

let’s listen to the other fellas, they work here too, right?

Jimmy, what do we have on sports?

Well uh, the Lady Bulldogs have a shot at going to the state finals this year.

For finals? Really?

Gentlemen, we are at war!

Bill, Bill!

No one’s saying that the Lady Bulldogs are our lead story.

But it is local.

I mean, do we have one Japanese person in Turrel?

We live in infamy, that’s what the President says.

Larry, how about the police bit?

Well, some kids broke into the high school

and caused $400 worth of damage to some typewriters.

- $400? - Yes, sir.

Now, Bill, that is something that affects our readers.

They’re gonna have to pay for those typewriters!

Carl, what’s cooking in weather?

I’ll tell you what’s happening in the weather.

It’s raining bombs in Hawaii! That’s what.

(audience laughing)

Carl, I noticed it’s a little windy on my way over here,

is there anything to that?

Yeah, as a matter of fact there is, Tad.

You know, we just might have a tornado watch on our hands.

Oh, is that the same as a tornado warning?

No, there are three stages. Watch, alert and warning.

So you’re telling me there’s a chance we might be hit by a tornado?

Yep.

Bill, now, aren’t you glad we talked about this?

(music)

(audience laughing and clapping)

(music playing)

Alright, I wanna thank everybody.

Thank New York, the rest of America.

I wanna send a special shout out to Abby and John Canali

at the MTV for getting my back.

I appreciate that and thank everybody else,

Saturday Night Live!

(audience clapping and cheering)

(music)