Original subtitles

This pepperoni is good.

Lorne, the pizza boy needs $122.50 plus tip.

For pizza?

Lorne, we got 17 people in the cast.

I know, but for pizza?

Did anybody order me a plain cheese?

Yeah, we did, but if you want it,

somebody’s gonna have to barf it up because it’s all gone.

[audience laughing]

Spade, go easy on those Pepsis.

Macaulay, Macaulay, get a plate, get a plate!

What-- What is the matter with you?

He started it. He ate my pizza on purpose.

Look what you did, you little jerk!

Macaulay, get to your dressing room right now.

- Why? - Macaulay’s such a disease.

- Shut up! - You--

To your dressing room, let’s go.

Why do I get treated like scum?

You’re a host.

Now I want you to stay in your dressing room

until the show starts.

- I’m sorry. - It’s too late.

Everybody in the show hates me.

And maybe you should ask your agent to book you on a different show.

[audience laughing]

I don’t want to host a different show. I wanna do the show alone.

- I hope you don’t mean that. - Well, I do.

Then say it again. Maybe it’ll happen.

I wish you’d all just disappear. I wanna do the show alone.

Well, I think you’d feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue

and no one else was around.

Think about it.

I’ll show them.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[music and cheers]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live,

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade, and featuring Beth Cahill,

Al Franken,

Robert Smigel,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Tin Machine.

And starring Macaulay Culkin.

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:] When you found that one special someone,

and you never want to be apart.

You dine together,

you play together.

You sleep together,

you even bathe together.

So why not share the most intimate moment of them all with...

the Love Toilet.

[audience laughing]

Exquisitely designed,

hand-crafted of the finest porcelain

with flush handles and float bowl

imported from France, the nation of love,

the Love Toilet.

From Niagara, the toilet people.

Because when you’re in love,

even five minutes apart can seem an eternity.

[Male voice:] The Love Toilet,

available at Bamberger’s and other fine stores.

[audience cheering]

Randy.

[audience cheering]

Randman, Randatola.

Hi Richard, just making some copies.

All right, the Rand Ole Opry, making copies.

[audience laughing]

It’s nice to see you too, Richard.

The rhinestone, randomly selected for your listening pleasure.

That’s a new one, I like that one.

Randy, liking the new one, the great Randino.

Now that one, I’ve heard before.

Randipulaire, doesn’t realize how hard it is to come up with new names.

The complain meister.

[audience laughing]

The Stevenator.

Rich the Richmeister.

Second lieutenant Steve of the 82nd Airborne Division.

What?

Steve.

Hey Rich, I got to ask you something.

This has been bothering me for a long time.

I mean, have you always been this way, you know,

with the name thing?

Rich?

Where you’re going, buddy?

The Rich-man, about to have a flashback,

el backo de flasho.

Well, I... I...

[audience laughing]

Timmie, the Tim meister.

Sharpening his pencil.

Hey Rich, I’m out of lead.

No lead for the Tim man.

Tim a-ramma.

See you, Rich.

Tim.

All right, Cindy, the seamstress.

Hi, Rich.

Señorita Cindita.

The class babe, making a pencil sharp.

Sharpatola.

[audience laughing]

Froggy, the Froggy-nator.

The guy with the warts.

Leave me alone.

The Frog-man, the guy who likes to eat the paste.

Frog-o-rama.

Shut up!

Froggy, getting mad.

Frogorino.

[audience laughing]

Now class, remember we were discussing the Battle of Bunker Hill.

Now, it was George Washington’s belief that if he could--

George, George of the Jungle.

[audience laughing]

Richard!

Baron George Von Warscheimer.

Okay, Richard Lamer, maybe you would like to tell us

what George Washington believed he could achieve at the Battle of Bunker Hill?

All right, Sister Margaret asking me questions.

[audience laughing]

We’re all waiting.

The nunster, nun-o-rama.

None.

[audience laughing]

Give me your hand.

The young Rich-man sincerely apologizing.

I said give me your hand.

Yeah sure, no one talking to the Rich-man,

promisita to the nunita.

[audience laughing]

Oh no, disaster for the Rich-man.

Rich, it’s all right, it’s all right.

You’re okay.

Steve?

Yeah, you were daydreaming.

Steve-O?

Yeah, you were mumbling something about Baron George Von Warscheimer?

The Steve-ster.

Oh, Rich, I got to go pick up my kid at St. Catherine’s.

St. Catherines?

Steve!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] If you’re a young mafia

I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

[audience cheering]

[Narrator:] One hundred thousand years ago,

a caveman was out hunting on the frozen wastes,

when he slipped and fell into a crevasse.

In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out.

He then went to law school and became...

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

* Used to be a caveman *

* But now he’s a lawyer *

* Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. *

[Narrator:] Brought to you by Gas Plus: actually gives you gas

for those times when you feel like being the joker.

And by National Escort Service:

if we don’t get a prostitute to your door within 15 minutes,

you don’t pay.

And by Happy Fun Ball: still legal in 16 states.

It’s happy, it’s fun, it’s Happy Fun Ball.

And now, tonight’s episode of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Mr. Keyrock, are you ready to give your summation?

It’s just Keyrock, your honor, and yes, I’m ready, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I’m just a caveman.

I fell in some ice, and...

...later got thawed out by some of your scientists.

Your world frightens and confuses me.

Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic

make me wanna get out of my BMW

and run off into the hills or whatever.

Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine,

I wonder, did little demons get inside and type it?

I don’t know.

[audience laughing]

My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts,

but there is one thing I do know:

when a man, like my client,

slips and falls on a sidewalk

in front of the public library,

then he is entitled to no less

than $2 million in compensatory damages,

and $2 million in punitive damages.

Thank you.

The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Your honor, we don’t need to retire.

Keyrock’s words are just as true now

as they were in his time.

We give him the full amount.

[applause]

Did you hear that, Mr. Keyrock?

Hang on a second.

I’m sorry, your honor I was listening to the magic voices

coming out of this strange, modern invention.

[Announcer:] This has been Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Join us next week for another episode.

Here’s a scene:

Thank you.

Thank you very much, thank you.

First of all, let me say how happy I am to be your nominee

for the United States Senate.

Thank you.

You know...

Thank you. You know, I really don’t understand your Congress

or your systems of checks and balances because

as I said during the campaign, I’m just a caveman.

I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by scientist,

but there is one thing I do know:

we must do everything in our power

to lower the capital gains tax. Thank you!

[Announcer:] Next time on Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,

my first instinct is to laugh.

But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me?

Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

[audience cheering]

The bartender tells Terry Brown to forget about them because

they’re both lesbians, right?

[audience laughing]

Later, later.

[audience laughing]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m a dysfunctional co-dependent.

[audience laughing]

Well this week, Governor Cuomo blasted Dan Quayle for publicly calling him Mario

in an effort to emphasize his Italian heritage.

Spokesman for Quayle denied the charge and said, hereafter

the governor will be referred to as Captain Calzone.

[audience laughing]

And a late-breaking story: Mario Cuomo has just announced at a press conference

that he is now onthe verge of his final process

of making a decision whether or not to run for president.

According to the polls, President Bush’s popularity was

at its highest during the Gulf War,

but now it has sunk to its lowest level due to neglect of domestic affairs.

As a result, Bush has decided to combine the two issues

and last Wednesday ordered the Dakotas to invade Montana.

[audience laughing]

While playing golf last weekend, President Bush told reporters

that the recession is over and the economy is in fine shape.

He then proceeded to tee off, losing his ball in a group of homeless people

camped out next to the fairway.

[audience laughing]

A recent survey to calculate the soaring number of Americans

filing for unemployment benefits was abruptly discontinued due to cutbacks.

It seems those conducting the survey had to be let go.

[audience laughing]

President Bush’s approval rating on his handling of the economy

reached a three-year low this week.

Here with our commentary on Bush and the economy is Weekend Update Washington correspondent,

Victoria Jackson. Victoria?

[audience cheering]

Thanks, Kevin.

Well, the Cold War is over and the Japanese won.

That’s the sad truth,

only George Bush doesn’t seem to know it.

We’re not in a recession, he says.

Well, tell that to the voters of Pennsylvania, Mr. Bush.

And while you’re at it, tell it to Dick Thornburgh.

The tragic fact is there may be nothing we can do to rescue our economy.

Cut taxes, some say; stimulate the economy to raise revenues

and balance the budget.

Gee, when did Victoria Jackson hear that before?

1981?

Do you know that every tax dollar raised west to the Mississippi

is used to pay the interest,

yes, the interest on our national debt.

In 8th grade geometry, you learn that parallel lines do not intersect;

well, when Victoria Jackson lies awake at night,

pondering this deficit morass,

I don’t see parallel lines;

I see lines going further and further apart,

stretching into the future with no end in sight.

And frankly, it frightens me.

As I sit here, delivering this commentary to an American audience,

from a building owned by the Japanese, I am afraid.

- Kevin? - Wow, that was pessimistic.

[audience cheering]

Pessimistic.

Thank you.

- Pessimistic. - Thank you.

What about the peace dividend?

Huh?

Well, isn’t it possible that the end of the Cold War might free up the kind of resources

that could reverse these trends?

I don’t really know.

In the sense, the fall of the Soviet Empire came at just the right time?

I didn’t write this; the writer wrote it.

I just want people to think I’m smart.

[audience laughing]

We do, Victoria. We think you’re smart.

Don’t patronize me, whatever that means.

[audience laughing]

Victoria, we think you’re smart.

- Really? - Honest.

Do you? Yes?

[audience cheering]

Victoria Jackson.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

She’s smart. Just not very bright, that’s all.

[audience laughing]

During an appearance on This Week with David Brinkley,

Vice President Dan Quayle claimed that he isn’t bothered

by all the jokes about him on television,

unless his wife or kids explained what they mean,

then he gets pretty DO’d, you know.

[audience laughing]

After his huge defeat in last Saturday’s elections,

David Duke...

[audience cheering]

...announced to his supporters that the Louisiana vote was only the beginning,

so apparently voters can look forward to trouncing Duke in many more elections to come.

[audience cheering]

David Duke also went on to claim that he only lost the election

because his name sounds so much like Dukakis.

[audience laughing]

The California Gray Whale, which has staged a remarkable comeback from the brink of extinction,

may soon become the first marine creature to be removed from the list of endangered species.

Should this happen, unrestricted logging would be permitted throughout the Pacific Ocean.

[audience laughing]

According to the Journal of the American Medical Association,

people may soon be able to get a tan by injecting themselves

with a synthetic tanning hormone.

As a result, Mattel has announced that all the Malibu Ken dolls

will now come with needle tracks, syringes,

and two-year supply of surgical tubing.

[audience laughing]

Two biblical scholars broke a decade-long monopoly

over control of the Dead Sea Scrolls and said the final 20 percent of the ancient documents

will finally be published.

We have... an advanced copy of the book here, it sells for $19.95,

and in it, Moses actually claims that he too slept with over 20,000 women.

[audience laughing]

Look for that.

McDonald’s is teaming up with Turner Broadcasting to develop

an original programming service for the restaurants.

The programs will use Turner’s colorizing technology

to give McDonalds’ hamburger patties a natural brown look

instead of the usual gray.

[audience laughing]

Well, Thanksgiving is next Thursday and now here to talk about it

is Weekend Update’s Adam Sandler. Adam?

Thank you. Thank you.

[audience cheering]

Thanksgiving dinner has always been a big deal in my house,

and every year, I try to make it home to celebrate with the family.

But this year, due to my busy schedule,

I can’t make it so right now, I’m gonna ask my dad

to put a cassette in the VCR and record this,

then he can put the TV in my usual place at the dinner table

and play it back at Thanksgiving to re-create the illusion that

I’m dining with the family.

Okay, get ready, dad.

Okay, press record now.

[audience laughing]

This is good, ma.

Really good.

This is... It’s not a butterball.

I couldn’t tell, really.

Really juicy.

Oh, self-basting, that’s great.

No thanks, no thanks. I don’t want any more.

No seriously, it’s great, but no more.

Really, I got no more room.

Mom, put the turkey down.

No, just put it down.

Damn it, would you give it a rest?

What dad?

I didn’t do anything.

I just didn’t want any more.

Oh yeah, I’m deliberately trying to hurt mom, right?

There he goes again. Dad, that was 10 years ago!

I said I’m sorry and the only one who still brings it up is you!

Okay dad, you know everything, huh?

Yeah.

Well, come on over here, old man!

You want something? Bring it on! I’d love it, yeah!

Yeah, you’d better sit down.

The tables are turning, man.

I ain’t afraid of you no more.

Shut up! Don’t touch me!

Nobody touch me!

I just don’t understand!

No, no, no!

Stop treating me like a two-year old.

Mr. Sandler, maybe you should press the stop on the VCR, now.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I’m queer!

[audience applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler.

[audience cheering]

Well, a women suffering cardiac arrest was resuscitated

by a group of rich teenagers Wednesday.

Instead of dialing 911, she accidentally dialed 90210.

[audience laughing]

And after a nine-year run on Broadway,

the cast of Cats was finally neutered this week.

[audience laughing]

In New Jersey today, a giant slinky washed ashore,

startling local residents.

City officials say they will remove the giant slinky by

simply building a giant staircase.

[audience laughing]

A 29-year-old woman is the first person ever nabbed on using body cavities

to sneak currency out of the country.

According to the U.S. Customs Service,

balloons containing $6,500 were in her stomach,

and seven balloons filled with $3,500 were found

in certain other parts of her anatomy.

She was held in custody for three hours during which time,

she served as a Citibank cash machine.

[audience laughing]

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[audience cheering]

[music]

Hello my friends and welcome to another edition

of Bill Swerki’s Superfans.

[audience cheering]

I’m Bob Swerski and I wanna thank everyone

for sending those cards to my brother Bill,

who recently had another heart attack.

We are coming to you live from Ditka’s here on Thanksgiving Day,

a day for giving thanks for,

or taking punishment from, a team that is known as...

- Da Bears. - Da Bears.

With me, as always, are the Superfans,

gentlemen how was your week?

- Real good. - Real good, good.

Any heart attacks?

- I had one. - I had a couple.

All right, as you can tell, we’re celebrating Thanksgiving

here at Ditka’s rather than in our homes, but it’s okay;

our families understand.

Absolutely.

This year, the Bears are playing and Ditka’s has a 12-foot screen.

There’s really no other place to be.

All right, we’re getting ready to watch the Bears annihilate

the Detroit Lions, but first, it’s a good time to reflect

on our glorious heritage.

And here to help us out with our annual presentation,

here’s the sixth graders over at St. Ignatius

led by Tommy Arnold, nephew of our own Pat Arnold.

Look at the bountiful meal the Indians have prepared for us:

pork chops, strip steak, kielbasa,

baby back ribs with garlic butter,

and a side of home fries.

We welcome you to this great land,

and look forward to the many games, Da Bears will be playing

300 years from now.

Indian, you are so wise.

Please smoke from your peace pipe and tell us the future.

Bears, 96; Lions, 14.

It’s not gonna be that close.

That’s the halftime score, my friend.

[audience applauding]

Absolutely.

Good job, Danny, good job!

- Good job! - Very nice.

Very entertaining, but it was not without a serious message.

At Thanksgiving, gentlemen, it’s important to remember

that there are places, other places of course,

in this world that do not have the things that we have and take for granted.

For example, Indianapolis, the Colts; terrible team.

With a really bad coach.

Really makes you wanna shed the tears.

- Da tears! - Da tears!

[audience laughing]

[coughs]

Are you okay, Todd?

Just having a heart attack.

I’m ’oking! ’Oking!

He’s joking, he’s joking. I got him. I got him.

I’m with you. I’m with you.

[audience laughing]

All right.

Excellent work. Good job, Todd.

You got to remember to chew those pork chops, buddy.

Relax okay, it’s a holiday.

I hear you.

All right, now gentlemen, if you’ll indulge me a bit,

I’ve got some family here myself.

Like the Bears, she’s a winner, the current Miss South side of Chicago,

my daughter, Denise Swerski.

Hey, what’s up?

Hey dad, I brought you this seven layer salad

from the family party at home.

We’re proud of you.

Thanks Denise.

Just a few more minutes before the Bears start kicking some ass, huh?

Some girl, huh, guys?

The girl’s got spunk.

You know, she’s got a real Mrs. Ditka quality.

Hey Denise, look how many chops I polished off.

Take a gander.

That’s a lot of chops.

Yeah, there’s more where that came from.

Hey Denise.

Check out this scar.

Wow.

Yeah, I got it at a Tailgate party.

We were roasting a big pig on a spit,

and I got punctured but I didn’t miss the kick off.

- That’s something. - No, sir.

Hey Denise, look at this.

Broad Street, 1986, after the Superbowl.

I was kicked by a cop horse

trying to pin a Ditka button on him.

[audience laughing]

Oh yeah, check out this!

Snack bar, Lambert Field.

I was scalded by the cheese of a flaming hot nacho.

[audience laughing]

Now that’s my kind of guy.

Maybe you’d like to come here and back that up.

Hey, hey, hey, Todd.

Easy pal.

Come on now, that’s my daughter, huh?

Hey, don’t’ make me go over there and inflict some damage,

Bucker-style.

Hey, she’s a grown-up woman.

Hey, Todd.

Todd, Todd, come on.

You got a wife at home.

Think about that.

[audience laughing]

Your knockwerst is almost ready, Todd,

so that you can fully enjoy tuning it to Da Bears.

I’m sure they’re gonna kick ass, darling.

They’re da best.

But you know something,

you’re my Ditka, my Ditka, my Ditka,

my Ditka...

I’m her Ditka.

I’m her Ditka.

I’m sorry Denise, it’s just not gonna work out.

Let’s just say I’m a very lucky man.

If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.

Well, that’s good to know.

All right you two.

We’re all very lucky here, and that’s the real message of this holiday season,

so let’s all join in Thanksgiving prayer.

- Da prayer. - Da prayer.

[audience laughing]

We thank Ditka and God for all they have provided;

for the food we eat, the air we breathe,

and for the combination enjoyed by a certain team

- from a certain town-- - Hey, hey, hey, the game start.

All right, we’ll get back to that during the commercial.

Enjoy the game, folks.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] It’s BBC One and it’s five o’clock.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the Ginger Beer Boys

and before that, all 10 hours of Percy Thrower’s Exciting World of Gardening.

And now boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend,

Simon.

* Well, you know my name, *

* It’s Simon. *

* And I like to do drawings. *

* I like to draw all day long *

* So come and do drawings with me. *

* Come and do drawings with me. *

Hello everyone, my name is Simon.

I like to do drawings.

[audience laughing]

Don’t look at my bum, people.

Don’t look at my bum, I don’t look at your bum, bum lookers,

[audience laughing]

cheeky monkeys.

Today, today I’ve got a friend in a bath with me.

Do you want to meet him?

Do you? You do?

[audience cheering]

His name is Trevor.

Okay Trevor, say hello to everyone.

Hello everyone, my name is Trevor.

I’m a cowboy.

He is.

His dad works for the same big American company my daddy works for.

And just like me, he doesn’t have a mommy,

so his daddy takes him everywhere.

Simon, is it all bubbly in the bath because you farted?

Why did you do it, you cheeky monkey?

You’re the one who pooted.

[audience laughing]

Cheeky! Anyways, Trevor likes to do drawings as well.

Do you want to see one of Trevor’s drawings?

You do?

[audience cheering]

This is a drawing of a cowboy and the Red Indian.

He just shot the Red Indian in the face, and look,

he’s got a sucking chest wound.

[audience laughing]

Trevor, do you ever show your drawings to the psychologist?

I did once, and he wept openly.

[audience laughing]

I’m not surprised.

You know, both our dads are out looking for new mommies,

which I thought was a bit odd because my mom

has only been with the angels for a very short time,

but daddy explained to me that daddies need to have mommies

from time to time or they lose their minds.

[audience laughing]

Even if it means having a mommy

for just one lonely and degrading night.

Sometimes, my daddy pays for his mommies.

I’m a cowboy.

Okay.

Time for our last drawing.

Were you looking at my bum?

Were you? Were you?

Trevor, were they looking at my bum?

No. You were looking at my bum.

- Bum lookers! - Bum lookers!

Cheeky monkeys, a lot of you.

All right then, this is a drawing Trevor and I made...

...of our bums.

[audience laughing]

That’s my bum.

And this one’s my bum.

See, as you can tell, I’m quite large for my age.

My daddy fears I suffer from gigantism.

It’s time to go. I start to get prune hands.

I can’t do more drawings when I got prune hands.

[bubbling sound]

Oh, I farted.

[audience laughing]

Chicky monkey Trevor.

All right then, bye everybody.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

[audience applauding]

* Well, you know my name, *

* it’s Simon. *

* And I love to do drawings. *

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] I hope if dogs ever take over the world

and they choose a king,

they don’t go just by size,

because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

[audience applauding]

I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

[Announcer:] Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer.

A member of several 12-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m gonna do a great show today and I’m gonna help people,

because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it,

people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

As you know, I normally don’t have guests on my show,

and that’s... okay.

But today, I have a very special guest, my nephew Kyle.

Kyle S., we’ll maintain your anonymity, Kyle.

[audience laughing]

And Kyle’s father is an alcoholic,

and he abandoned Kyle and his mother

when Kyle was three, and is that your fault, Kyle?

No, uncle Stuart.

No, it isn’t.

And Kyle’s mother is in a rehab right now,

because she eats too much.

And why does she eat too much, Kyle?

She has a disease.

Yes, she does, and that’s okay.

And is that your fault, Kyle?

No, uncle Stuart.

No, it isn’t.

It isn’t your fault.

And the hospital’s gonna make mommy all better and teach her

not to eat so much.

Okay, I’m sorry.

Kyle has been staying with me all week

since mom went into the hospital.

We’ve been having just a super time, haven’t we?

- Where do we go today? - To the zoo.

I mean, after that; you know, the place in the church basement

with all the nice people. What was that?

An ALATOT meeting.

Yes, ALATOT meeting, an ALATOT meeting.

ALATOT is for little children

who live in alcoholic families.

And... Yes...

Kyle, you learned a lot in the ALATOT meeting,

didn’t you?

And you know what?

- What? - Chicken butt.

Chicken butt?

One of the kids at the meeting taught me

that you say ’you know what?’, the other person says ’what?’,

and you say ’chicken butt’.

Why?

Because it rhymes.

Okay, what else did you learn at the ALATOT meeting?

Did you learn the three C’s?

I didn’t cause it; I can’t cure it; and I can’t control it.

Did you learn that?

- And you know what? - What?

Chicken butt.

[audience laughing]

Did you learn the new three C’s, and the more positive three C’s?

I can change, I can cope, and I can celebrate.

Did you learn that?

- Yeah, and you know what? - What?

Chicken butt.

[audience laughing]

Would you stop that?

I took you to the ALATOT meeting so you could feel better about yourself

and you obviously didn’t listen,

and now you’re playing this juvenile game,

this stupid moronic game.

I’m sorry, uncle Stuart.

No, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I... I can’t believe it did that.

I shamed you.

I shamed you when I should be nurturing you.

I’m a bad person.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

They’re gonna cancel the show.

I’m gonna die homeless and penniless and 20 pounds overweight

and no one will ever love me.

That’s not true, uncle Stuart.

I love you.

You do?

And I love you too, Kyle. Hug?

Sure.

[audience laughing]

Thank you Kyle for loving me unconditionally.

Okay, uncle Stuart.

I just think sometimes you take things a little bit too seriously.

I think you’re right.

That’s always been one of my problems.

- And you know why? - Why?

Chicken thigh.

[audience laughing]

Gotcha.

Well, Kyle, you were absolutely...

You are absolutely terrific.

Do you want to come back and do the show again?

No.

[audience laughing]

That’s okay because you’re entitled to your feelings.

So I’ve got to go, but this is Stuart Smalley saying,

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,

and you know what?

Chicken butt.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] This has been today’s Daily Affirmations

with Stuart Smalley.

[audience applauding]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yes, hello Mrs. Barbara Gardner of 1724 Meadow View Terrace?

Yes.

I’m Tom Claymore of Bonanza Resorts International.

I’m calling to congratulate you:

you’ve won a 10-day, all expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas.

I don’t remember registering for any trip.

Oh, you’re automatically registered.

Your name has been selected from the list of preferred customers.

I’m not sure I understand.

Well, all I need is a credit card number to confirm your identification

so you can claim your winnings.

Any credit card number would do.

Maybe you’d better give me your phone number first.

That won’t be necessary.

You’re right. I already have it. It’s 555-7213, right?

[audience laughing]

Oh boy, she’s got my number.

I’m gonna have to kill her.

[audience laughing]

[Narrator:] At U.S. Fon, we don’t have caller ID.

Maybe we’re the right choice.

[audience applauding]

[music]

You see son, that’s how we do it.

Wow, we really scalded those guys.

That’s my job, I’m a scalder,

and maybe someday you’ll be one, too.

Really, dad?

Sure.

You have your own cauldron, your own bellows,

maybe even your own hunchbacked assistant.

Wow.

But it’s not as easy as it looks.

A lot of hard work, lot of study.

You got to know your different oils,

your different molten metals.

You’d be surprised at how many things you can heat up and pour on people.

Jimmy says his dad is more important.

Well, what does Jimmy’s dad do?

He’s a torturer.

Well, torturing is important,

but the main thing is that you do your job well.

Someday you might grow up and want to be a torturer.

Or a scalder.

Or maybe you just wanna throw rocks down on people.

I just want you to be happy.

I wouldn’t do that.

You shouldn’t stand up there and let me tell you why.

You see the guys down there with the bows and...

...arrows?

You see, that’s why you got to listen.

When I first started scalding, I thought I knew everything.

Then in my first battle, I spilled molten lead

all over your grandfather’s leg.

- What happened? - He died.

[audience laughing]

Very angry at me.

I learned something.

Look dad, they’re climbing up the wall again.

Shouldn’t we pour?

Not yet.

The secret of good scalding is knowing when not to scald.

But they’re climbing up the wall.

It’s all right. Let them come.

Here come some more of their friends.

Now we pour!

Well dad, you are right.

You must be the best scalder in the world.

Well, I don’t know--

You see so, that’s how it’s done.

It’s about 90 percent patience.

Gosh dad, you must be the best archer in the whole world.

Well, I don’t know about that--

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn’t open,

and your friends are all watching you fall,

I think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming.

[audience cheering]

I like to thank everybody.

This was a great show, and I like to thank Tin Machine.

Don’t forget to see my new movie, My Girl.

[audience cheering]

[music]