All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E06.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[Announcer:]
Saturday Night Live,
normally seen at this time,

will be delayed so that we may
bring you this special Weekend
Update report.

[music]

Campaign ’91,
the Louisiana Governor’s Race.

Good evening,
I’m Kevin Nealon.

We’ve just received tomorrow’s
paper, and Weekend Update is now
ready to project

the winner in the Louisiana
governor’s race.

Edwin W. Edwards has defeated
David Duke

and will serve as Louisiana’s
governor for the fourth time.

[audience cheering]

It was a close and bitter race,
and because what has been called
the "hidden Duke" vote,

a very difficult race
to predict.

However, now that
the final vote is in,

our Weekend Update exit poll has
revealed some very significant
patterns:

among white voters
earning less than $15,000 a year

who oppose
a Martin Luther King holiday,

Duke did extremely well.

[audience laughing]

In addition, the corruption
issue is a factor in this
election;

Edwards did very well among
those who hope to secure
government favors by bribery.

Jews voted very
heavily for Edwards,

except for self-loathing Jews
who are about evenly divided.

[audience laughing]

And Edwards also did very well
among the Neville Brothers,

winning 80 percent with only
brother, Cyril, voting for Duke.

[audience laughing]

Okay, I have word that David
Duke is about to address his
supporters.

[audience laughing]

Let’s go now to Duke’s
headquarters in Baton Rouge.

Duke! Duke! Duke!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

A few minutes ago, I placed
a phone call to governor-elect
Edwards...

[booing]

...as I want to congratulate him
on a fine victory,

but I couldn’t get
through because he was
with the call girl.

[audience laughing]

I’ll try again later.

You know, even thought
we did not prevail...

No! No!

- This time...
- Yeah!

This is not a time for regrets,
because this campaign

has given me so many
moments and memories

that I will cherish
the rest of my life.

I will never forget the image of
a little eight-year-old boy

in Lafayette, holding up
a hand-lettered sign

which read simply,
"No Race Mixing".

[applause]

And how can I forget
all the good folk who stayed up
nights,

making threatening calls
to my opponent’s supporters.

[applause]

There’s so many people to thank:

Evel Knievel, Adolf Coors,

and some I can’t name because
you’ve asked me not to.

There should be no tears tonight
because even though we lost...

No!

...we’ve accomplished something:

we’ve shown that
in this country,

a man who is a former
KKK Grand Wizard,

and who just two years ago was
selling Nazi propaganda out of
his government office,

can almost become the governor
of a major state.

[applause]

Now during this campaign, we may
have said some things

that hurt some people, but now
is a time for healing.

To all my former Nazi colleagues
who might have offended during
this race

by moderating my views,
I am truly sorry.

The days ahead,
we must build bridges;

bridges of understanding between
the hard-line Gerry Nazis,

and the more moderate
Goebel Nazis,

who are both working towards
the same ultimate goal,

because I truly believe that in
every defeat lie the seeds of
victory.

And so, as a great man
once said in 1924 after an
unsuccessful putsch,

live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,
and featuring Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

GE Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Mariah Carey,

and starring Linda Hamilton.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Linda Hamilton!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

I’ve been looking forward to
hosting the show tonight

because it gives me a chance
to let people know

I’m not just the gun-totting,
grenade-launching Sarah Connor

from The Terminator.

As much as I enjoyed it,
that’s not who I am.

I am just your
average American girl;

I grew up in the suburbs
in Salisbury, Maryland.

This is my parents’ house.

It’s a great place for kids.

I used to climb that tree.

You know, we used to put on
plays in this little church.

This is where I first
decided to become an actress.

[audience laughing]

Oh, look, there’s my high
school sweetheart, Larry.

I had such a crush on him.

And this is where I had
my first job at this
neighborhood supermarket.

[audience laughing]

Oh, and my first new car!

I bought it after I landed
the part in Beauty
and the Beast.

[audience laughing]

I had to wait three months
to get that color grey.

And this is my agent, Ronnie.

He’s the one that got me
the role of Sarah Connor.

[audience laughing]

This is where I live now.

It’s not a mansion,
but I love it.

So there you have it,
the story of my life.

[audience cheering]

We got a...

We got a very
great show tonight;

Mariah Carey is with us.

[audience cheering]

So don’t go away,
we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

[music]

* I know one and one
is more than two *

* You’ll be amazed
what you can do *

* You’ll understand
what freedom means *

* In your three-legged jeans *

* When you’re in your Levi’s
thee-legged jeans. *

* Free at last
Free at last *

* Free at last
Free at last *

* Free at last
Free at last *

* Free at last
Free at last *

* I say a-leggin, a-leggin for
you wherever you go, whatever
you do. *

* A-leggin a leg a leg for you,
how do you move,
how do you feel *

* A-leggin a-leggin a-leggin for
being wherever you happen
to be *

* Nothing in this world is
beyond your jeans *

* When you wear your
three-legged jeans *

* When you’re in your Levi’s
three-legged jeans *

* Free at last Free at last. *

* A-leggin, a-leggin,
a-leggin *

* Free at last
Free at last *

* Free at last
Free at last *

Not any dumber than acid-washed.

Okay Rosemary, just two more.

Way to go, get it down.

It’s getting easier.

Good.

All right, great, you did good.

Why don’t you go and stretch.

Thanks, Andrea.

Andrea, I’ve got a new member
ready for an evaluation.

Can you handle it?

I was going to lunch.
Can’t you do it?

Well, I think you’d be
better with this client.

Why? Is he a rich,
gorgeous hunk?

Well, it’s a hunk of something.

[audience cheering]

Who’s going to evaluate me?

* A lot of people
say "what’s that?" *

* It’s Pat. *

* A m’am or a sir,
except him or her *

* Or whatever it might be *

* It’s time for androgyny,
here comes Pat. *

Hi, I’m Andrea and I’m one of
the trainers here at the club.

And you are Pat Reilly?

Yeah, it’s like the coach.

Okay Pat, why don’t you
have a seat.

All right.

We’ll get some information on
you here, some personal history,

and then
we’ll figure out what...

...is the best exercise
program for you.

Fine by me, shoot.

Okay.

[audience laughing]

Pat, is Pat
short for something?

No, just Pat.

Uh huh... Er...

You happen to have
a middle name?

Oh, I hate it. I never use it.

It’s vital information.
We need it.

Okay, it’s O’Neill; it’s
my mother’s maiden name.

Yuck!

[audience laughing]

Okay. Age?

Thirty.

- Height?
- Five-eight.

Sex?

Yes, please.

[audience laughing]

That’s my little joke.

[audience laughing]

Would you say that
you’re in good health?

I mean, are you having
regular periods... of activity?

[audience laughing]

Well, sometimes I dance
alone in my apartment.

[audience laughing]

Is there anything I should know
about you that isn’t apparent?

What you see is what you get.

Well, okay Pat, I want you
to stand up.

Okay.

I’m going to pinch this skin
folds around your abdomen

and then we can get
a body fat percentage.

Oh, great.

[audience laughing]

It will only take a second.

Oh, it’s cold,
it tickles, don’t.

[audience laughing]

Listen, this is no fun
for me either.

[audience laughing]

Please, I just want to exercise.

Okay, okay forget it.

I guess we both know you
need to lose a little,

not matter what you are...
body fat percentage-wise.

I’m here, aren’t I?

Yes, you are.

Okay Pat, work with me.

What kind of body
are you going for?

Well--

I mean, do you want
a muscular V-shape

or something a little
more curvy?

Well, I just saw the movie
Return to the Blue Lagoon,

I’m sure like a body like that?

Oh.

Oh, well...

Are there specific areas of
your body you want to work on?

Naturally, I’d like to be
bigger at the right places,

if you know what I mean.

What do you think
I should work on?

I’m in your hands.

[audience laughing]

Well, I think you need
to tone, to tone up.

And I think you need a lot
of cardiovascular exercise,

you know, burn through that
fat, see what’s under there.

All right.

- Get on the bike.
- Okay.

We’ll get a target
heart rate for you.

Start pedaling.

I want to start
you on level one.

Faster, Pat.

Hard?

Well, now you’re doing uphill.

You got to push.

Please, let me stop.

Get me off this devil machine!

[audience laughing]

All right Pat.

Really it’s not that bad.

I think you’re going to
start to like this place.

You’ll start feeling better
about yourself and...

Hey, you know,
you’ll meet people.

You mean members of
the opposite sex?

Yeah, for example, take me.

Would you find someone like me
attractive?

God, you’re really insecure.

What about Ron here?

Is he more
what you’re looking for?

I don’t believe it.
This place is so kinky.

I’m sorry.

That was out of line.

Look, why don’t you just
go to the locker room

and get changed,

- and I’ll show you the track.
- Where are they?

They’re right over there.

Men and women’s locker rooms,
straight ahead.

All right.

- Go ahead.
- Okay.

- Yeah, just keep walking.
- Go on.

Go walk right in.

I hope there aren’t
a lot of mirrors in there.

Don’t worry.

Just go on.

- Pick a door.
- Walk through a door.

Okay, here I go.

[Announcer:]
We interrupt this program to
bring you this special report.

Here is anchorman Kevin Nealon.

This just in: recent studies
have shown that parents with
small children

get five times as many colds
as single adults.

More details as they come in.

And now back to the conclusion
of the Pat sketch already in
progress.

Yes sir, the question
is finally answered.

Yeah, you know I had a hunch,
but I just wasn’t sure.

Well, now we know.

* It’s time for androgyny *

* It’s Pat. *

[audience cheering]

Oh, this is a great party.

Yeah, so far, but I got
some bad news.

What do you mean?

Well, I had to invite somebody

and I don’t think
you’ll be very happy about it.

Oh no, who?

Massive Headwound Harry.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:]
Welcome once again
to Massive Headwound Harry.

Tonight’s episode:
The Cocktail Party.

[door bell]

Hey, great party.

[audience laughing]

Look, sorry I’m late I
forgot where you live.

Oh, my God!

[audience laughing]

That’s okay, Harry.

I feel dizzy.

Would you like to lay
down, maybe in the garage?

No, I just need some food
to get my strength back.

I lost a lot of blood
on the way over here.

[audience laughing]

Well, you got to try some
of these shrimp, friend.

Good Lord!

I’m sorry, let me
help you with that.

[audience laughing]

I’d better go see
if he’s all right.

No, no, no, you stay here.

No, yeah, I’m fine.

I just got to rest for a second.

Maybe I need to lie down.

Why did you have
to invite him?

Sorry, he overheard me
talking to Phil and Steve,

what I was going to do?

[audience laughing]

Oh, boy, whoa.

Oh, boy, whoa.

Whoa, easy boy.

[audience cheering]

He probably smells my dog.

[audience cheering]

We really have to go.

Thanks for having us.

- We understand.
- Sorry.

I guess the party’s over.
Thanks for having me.

No, that’s not your hat.

Oh, I’m sorry.

No, no, it’s all right.

- You can have it.
- Thanks.

[Announcer:]
This has been Massive
Headwound Harry.

Next week’s episode,
Borrowing the Headphone.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:]
As the evening sky
faded from a salmon color

to a sort of flint gray,

I thought back to the salmon
I caught that morning.

And how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.

[audience applauding]

Linda, oh my God,
I’m such as big fan.

You know, you got
my relationships together

when you was in Beauty
and the Beast,

I have to tell you that.

Oh really.
That’s very flattering.

You know, because I said
to myself,

"if the lovely Linda Hamilton
could keep sleeping with that
hairy thing,

than I can
keep kissing Enrique."

[audience laughing]

See, that wasn’t real.

You know, we have
so much in common.

You see, my Enrique used to
sleep in the streets so right,

and he was all pissy and nasty,
and my mother would say,

"if you keep sleeping
on the street, you’re
going to get fleas,"

you know, and I got fleas from
that. Did that happen to you?

No, I didn’t get fleas.

You know, he wasn’t really ugly,
that was make-up.

Make-up?

You don’t have to be
embarrassed because I do
the charity work too,

Linda, you know,

because I never get the cute
guys, you won’t believe it,

right, but I never do.

I always get, the half-missing
chromosome guy

with a twitch or something,
you know.

Like everytime I had sex with
Enrique, I could get it off
my taxes,

because that was a charity,
with a capital "CH".

Zarita, is it?

Oh, yeah, Zarita Cruz.

Listen, I have to get
ready for my next scene.

I know you got to
go and everything,

but just hear me
un poquito, just a minute.

Tell me, I read in the National
Enquirer that you and the Beast,

you had a baby and you gave it
up for adoption to the SPCA.

Is that true?

No, and his name is Ron Perlman.

So you kept the baby?

Que pobrecita,
you’re so sweet--

No, I didn’t have a baby with
the Beast... with Ron Perlman.

Okay, okay, okay, calm down.

We are in the same business.

Me and you Linda, you know
we are so simultaneous.

Because I could identify with
you in Terminator 2.

You was out there protecting
the world from nuclear
destruction,

and I’m here protecting
the studio from nuclear
destruction,

standing up on my toes,
you know.

I was just acting.
I mean, this is your job.

So what you’re trying to say?

- Nothing.
- You’re trying to put me down?

No, I wasn’t putting you down,
I just say--

I think being a security guard
is a fine job.

So I look like a
security guard to you?

I am a security agent, okay.

Can you say that, Miss
Linda, security agent?

Sorry, "security agent".

You don’t have to
go loud with me, Miss.

- I wasn’t getting loud.
- No, no, no, don’t walk away.

You walk away from
me, that’s it.

You think because you got
muscles? I don’t care
about that.

Linda, what makes you think
I won’t caught you?

[Announcer:]
Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon
and I’m a reformed
white supremacist.

[audience laughing]

In our lead story, David Duke
was shocked tonight

when a make-up artist discovered
a patch of dark skin behind his
ear.

[audience laughing]

Further plastic surgery
may be required.

Speculation is that
if he had been elected,

the controversial candidate
would have faced balky
legislators.

The balky legislators,
as you know, are from
Latvilithianasteny.

[audience laughing]

Crayola’s new Skin
Tones of the World,

a small set of multi-cultural
crayons with colors to match
skin complexions,

has been recalled after a riot
in the box erupted

between the colors Burnt Siena
and the Chrome Heights Peach.

[audience laughing]

Spokesman for the company added
that they have also introduced

a small set of flesh-tone colors
to be marketed in Louisiana.

[audience laughing]

At an Albany
supermarket last night,

shoppers expressed their
impatience with Governor Mario
Cuomo

after he held up the checkout
line while trying to decide

between paper
or plastic bags.

[audience applauding]

And according to
recent statistics,

if Americans were
to cast votes today,

Bush would receive 57%
of the votes, and Cuomo 39%,

which really demonstrates
the problem with this country:

57 and 39 do not equal 100%.

[audience laughing]

And until these people learn
to count, no one should vote.

Fox has announced that it will
become the first television
network

to run ads for condoms;
one condition being

that each condom should bear
the likeness of Bart
or Homer Simpson.

[audience laughing]

Another conditions is
the ads cannot mention the use
of condoms for birth control;

the commercial is expected to
demonstrate the joy of making
lubricated balloon animals.

[audience laughing]

Magic Johnson’s recent
announcement has caused
some debate

between advocates of safe
sex and advocates of abstention

to prevent the HIV virus.

In fact, Vice-President
Quayle has spoken out,

saying people should abstain
as demonstrated by
the administration’s ability

to abstain from doing anything
about the virus for years.

[audience cheering]

Garry Trudeau’s Doonesbury comic
strip caused a controversy this
week,

with the story legend
that Dan Quayle may at one time
have been involved with drugs.

Quayle blasted Trudeau,
saying thanks to Doonesbury,

now he’ll never know whether or
not to believe what he sees
in good comics.

[audience laughing]

Wilt Chamberlain in his recent
autobiography "View from Above"

claims to have had sex with
over 20,000 different women.

To give you some idea of how
many women that actually is,

if each one of them
had become pregnant,

Wilt would be in
plenty of trouble.

[audience laughing]

It’s also announced today that
Chamberlain will be appointed

to the president’s commission
on bacterial infections.

[audience laughing]

After cross-referencing,
Geraldo’s book and
Wilt Chamberlain’s book,

it was discovered
that the two men had unknowingly
slept with one another,

at least 10,000 times.

[audience cheering]

In Gorbachev’s new
book The August Coup,

he reveals how members of
the coup surprised him

by arriving at his Crimean sea
resort inside a vehicle called
the Trojan Head.

[audience laughing]

Recent medical studies shows
that short men are more likely
to suffer heart attacks

than men who are tall.

The study also shows that very
tall men are much more likely to
experience headaches

from running into light
fixtures and low doorways.

[audience laughing]

In a related story, recent study
reveals that smokers’ chances

of having a heart attack are
highest in the morning;

ironically, a smoker’s best
chances of having breakfast
are also in the morning.

[audience laughing]

Now due to the increased number
of car phones than fax machines,

parts of Los Angeles, California
have been assigned a new area
code 310.

It’s also announced this week
that New York City has been
assigned the new area code 911.

[audience laughing]

And now, with a different
perspective on Michael Jackson’s
new video "Black or White"

is Update correspondent,
Larry Roman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Kevin.
Thanks so much.

What a night huh, folks?
Look at the studio.

[audience cheering]

Look at the studio, you guys
got more lights than a Christmas
tree in here,

I’m telling you
yadda, yadda, yadda.

Now let me talk about this
video; it’s a little weird,

you know what I’m talking about?

I’m not too sure what young
Michael’s trying to say in this
thing,

except maybe if you park
you car in my neighborhood,

I’ll smash its windows,
jump on the hood,

and proceed to masturbate.

[audience laughing]

Now I understand that these
kids had little work done,

you know what I mean, on a face
that old Mike has been tucked

more than a bed at the Ramada.

[audience laughing]

I don’t know what Maury could
do with that cranium of his.

Maybe he should have the doctor
tussle a little stick of
dynamite at his head

and see what he gets.

I mean, this kid’s done
more peeling
than A.J. Foyt tires.

[audience laughing]

What I’d say the
kid’s got talent.

He can dance; he’s got more
movement than my bowels.

[audience laughing]

Not funny, all right.

This kid sings like
a freaking nightingale.

This kid’s got a better set
of pipes than a crack addict,

yadda, yadda, yadda.

Anyway, back to the video,
now all of a sudden,

everybody’s jumping
on this poor kid.

He’s got to apologize
forward and whatnot.

Now he’s got more problems
than David Duke at the Apollo.

Suddenly--

[audience laughing]

I never know which ones
you’re going to go for.

Suddenly, he’s lower than
the testicles of a retired
Teamster.

[audience laughing]

Now he’s got to trim the thing,

cut out the whole parkways
on top of a Buick Skylark,

grab a Mr. Willie.

I guess someone must have told
him to get a hold of himself;

except there’s not too
much to hold, folks,
you know what I’m talking about.

He’s got less downstairs than
a house with no basement.

[audience laughing]

He’s got a smaller organ
than a monkey grinder.

- This kid’s got a thing--
- Thank you, Larry.

- Thank you Larry.
- I’m rolling here.

Now we’re got to get
back to the news here.

Oh, I understand.

You got more stories than
freaking Mother Goose.

You’re more updated
than a clock.

All right thanks, Larry.
We got to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got to go.

You got to go like June Allison
after a freaking six-pack.

Larry Roman,
everybody, Larry Roman.

[audience cheering]

Well, the House voted last week
to broaden the death penalty,

making it possible to execute
a person up to five or six
times.

[audience laughing]

Using x-ray, scientists have
been able to pin point certain
brain activity,

which can help us
understand many of our serious
memory problems.

But using these x-rays,
scientists can pin point the
brain activity,

which can help us understand
many serious memory problems.

[audience laughing]

Salvatore Gravano, John
Gotti’s former right-hand man,

has announced that he will
cooperate with the government

and testify against
his former boss.

He has since entered to
the Federal Witness Relocation
program,

has undergone radical
plastic surgery to change his
appearance.

[audience laughing]

The government has assured him
that he will no longer be in
danger.

Well, the last Atlanta Brave
fans have finally left
Minneapolis last night,

hiding their faces
but defiantly doing the chop

as they boarded
the bus for Atlanta.

State Health officials report

that sex diseases have risen
sharply in Virginia.

They’re someone you want
to stay away from, huh?

[audience laughing]

I’m Kevin Nealon and
that’s news to me.

[audience cheering]

[music]

Hi, this is
the Chris Farley Show.

I’m Chris Farley and our guest
tonight is Martin Scorsese.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

One of the greatest
directors of... all time...

Man, that sounds stupid.

Chris, that was
fine, that was fine.

- Really?
- That was fine, yeah.

No, it wasn’t.

I’m such an idiot - sorry.

That was fine.

Anyway Mr. Scorsese is
the director of the best movies
ever made:

Taxi Driver, Raging Bull,
and Goodfellas,

which is completely awesome.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks.

Do you remember that one scene
in Goodfellas when...

...Ray Liotta says to Joe Pesci,
"You’re a funny guy"?

and Joe Pesci goes "I’m funny?

How am I funny?"

And Ray Liotta goes
"I mean, you’re just funny."

And Joe Pesci gets really angry
and goes, "Am I a clown to you?

Am I here to make you laugh?

How am I funny?"

Yes, sure I remember.

[audience laughing]

- That was awesome.
- Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.

Now, one of your films
was very controversial,

it was The Last Temptation
of Christ

based on the book by...

- ...Nikos Ka...zantzakis...
- Kazantzakis, Kazantzakis.

It was a film about
the dual nature of Christ.

Do you remember that one scene
where Jesus goes into the temple

and the money changers
are there,

and Jesus starts
punching them out

and starts dumping
all the tables

and they just
lose it on that one guy?

Yes. What about it?

Was that your idea?

[audience laughing]

No, no, it’s from the
New Testament, the Bible.

Oh, right.

Idiot. Idiot.

It’s all right.

[audience laughing]

It’s understandable.

We’re going to open
the phone lines pretty soon,

but before we do, I was
wondering since you’re here,

- if I can ask you something.
- Sure Chris, go ahead.

Remember that scene
in Taxi Driver

when De Niro’s looking
at the mirror and he goes,

"You talking to me?
You talking to me?

Well, I’m the only one here
so you must be talking to me."

Would you do that?

[audience laughing]

Are you talking to me?

You talking to me?

Well, I’m the only one here
so you must be talking to me.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, we open the phone lines
now if you want to talk to
Martin Scorsese.

There’s someone on the line.
Hello?

[Female voice:]
Yeah, is Martin Scorsese there?

- He’s right here. Go ahead.
- Hello.

Martin, my name is Donna

and do you remember
in that scene

in Goodfellas where Ray
Liotta says to Joe Pesci,

"You’re a funny guy."

And Joe Pesci says, "What
do you mean I’m funny?

Am I a clown to you?

Do I amuse you?"

Do you remember that?

Yes, yes, I do.

Donna, don’t you remember when
we just talked about that

a few minutes ago?

Don’t you remember that?

Right, you did.

Oh, I’m an idiot.

Idiot!

I can’t believe I did that.

Don’t worry about that.
I do that all the time.

Thanks for calling.

We’re almost out of time,
but you have a new movie out,

Cape Fear, which has
an awesome preview where
the villain goes,

"Come out, come out,
wherever you are."

Yes, it’s Bob De Niro.

Right, De Niro’s awesome.

Yes, he is.

Did you see Awakenings?

Yes.

Remember that one scene where
De Niro’s in a coma
for all those years,

and then Robin Williams throws
in the ball and he wakes up?

Yes. Did you see that film?

I didn’t see it, but my friends
told me it was awesome.

[audience laughing]

Well, that’s it
for this week show.

Thank you, Mr. Scorsese,
one of the greatest directors.

- Was that okay?
- That was fine.

I think it went very well.
No, I think it’s fine.

- Okay, I hope so. Sorry.
- That was good, that was good.

Okay, so this was
The Chris Farley Show,

is that okay or
should we end up here?

Sit down.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:]
The sound of fresh rain runoff
splashing from the roof

reminded me
of the sound of urine

splashing into
a filthy, Texaco latrine.

This is a lovely place, Sonny.

Yes, someone at the office
recommended it.

Good, good yes.

We nearly didn’t recognize
the two of you when you
came in, did we, honey?

No, we didn’t.

Are you doing
something different?

Oh, well we started running
together every morning,

and we both gave up red meat.

That’s right.
Papa doesn’t eat red meat.

Well, whatever you’re doing,
it certainly looks good on you.

Remember when we were in college
and we used to try out
a different diet every month,

remember?

Uh-oh, eyelash;
don’t move, baby.

[audience laughing]

Thumb or forefinger?

Finger.

That’s going to make Papa
so happy.

[audience laughing]

I’ll be right back.

Daddy’s got to go.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m just glad Jim picked
out a restaurant that serves
fish.

I didn’t realize that you and
Jerry had given up red meat.

I’m sorry, what?

She was just saying
how good you and Jerry are.

What is with you two?

I’ve never seen you so happy?

Oh, we went to a couple’s
seminar in Santa Fe.

It changed our lives.

We’ve been at Scottsdale
a couple of times.

[audience laughing]

We stayed at the Sheraton,
didn’t we?

I think so. You remember
that barbecue place?

Oh yeah, yeah,
that was a nice place.

The two of you
would have loved that.

There is Jerry.

[audience laughing]

Where were you?

I was in the
little boys’ room.

I missed you.

I thought about
you the whole time.

Maybe we should go to one
of those seminars, honey.

No, we shouldn’t.

[audience laughing]

I was saying that sometimes,
people get busy and they just--

No.

Right. Dinner Caesar,
there you go.

You sir, there you go.

Hearts of Romaine, over here.

Okay, excuse me,
with your lemon.

And you, sir,
for you, poached shrimp.

There you go, enjoy.

Well, isn’t that lovely?

This is much too large
to be the dinner salad.

Was baby having
trouble with her food?

Oh, let daddy help baby.

Baby cut.

Thank you.

Where’s my reward?

Daddy, yeah.

Jimmy, would you
like a bite of mine?

[audience laughing]

We’re having the same thing.

[audience laughing]

Oh, no, mama dropped fork.

How baby going to eat?

[audience laughing]

Mama take care of baby.

Baby like.

Did I tell you that
I saw Barbara last month?

Well, they’re doing fine.

And they said to say hello.

Baby want sauce?

Yup, baby want sauce.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Baby want.

[audience laughing]

Barbara
bought a sports car,

and what kind
did she get, honey?

[audience laughing]

A Miata.

Baby wants sauce.

That doesn’t sound right.
I thought it was a Mazda.

- Baby want more sauce.
- Mama loves you.

- Miata is a Mazda.
- Are you sure?

Yes.

Anyway, she had a new toy,
she’s just all for a ride,

but she wouldn’t let anyone
drive it, not even Ted.

Mama give baby sauce,
baby loves sauce.

[audience laughing]

For God’s sake, WILL YOU STOP!

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry, excuse me.

Oh, no, no, we’re sorry.

It’s just sometimes, Jerry and
I are so focused on each other’s
needs

that we ignore the
other people around us.

You have every right
to be upset.

We’re sorry.

Well, it’s okay.

[audience laughing]

So, you were saying
Ted has a new car?

No, Barbara.
It’s a Miata or something.

Anyways, she won’t
let anyone drive it.

But you know Barbara,
she hasn’t changed.

And they love the car. They’ve
been driving it all over
the place.

We were thinking of
getting a new car too,

but I don’t know
what kind we’ll get. Anyway--

[audience cheering]

I want to thank you
all for coming,

and I’ve had a great time.

Mariah Carey.

Martin, thank you.

This is Travis.

Goodbye.

[audience applauding]

[music]