Original subtitles

[Announcer:] Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time,

will be delayed so that we may bring you this special Weekend Update report.

[music]

Campaign ’91, the Louisiana Governor’s Race.

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon.

We’ve just received tomorrow’s paper, and Weekend Update is now ready to project

the winner in the Louisiana governor’s race.

Edwin W. Edwards has defeated David Duke

and will serve as Louisiana’s governor for the fourth time.

[audience cheering]

It was a close and bitter race, and because what has been called the "hidden Duke" vote,

a very difficult race to predict.

However, now that the final vote is in,

our Weekend Update exit poll has revealed some very significant patterns:

among white voters earning less than $15,000 a year

who oppose a Martin Luther King holiday,

Duke did extremely well.

[audience laughing]

In addition, the corruption issue is a factor in this election;

Edwards did very well among those who hope to secure government favors by bribery.

Jews voted very heavily for Edwards,

except for self-loathing Jews who are about evenly divided.

[audience laughing]

And Edwards also did very well among the Neville Brothers,

winning 80 percent with only brother, Cyril, voting for Duke.

[audience laughing]

Okay, I have word that David Duke is about to address his supporters.

[audience laughing]

Let’s go now to Duke’s headquarters in Baton Rouge.

Duke! Duke! Duke!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you very much.

A few minutes ago, I placed a phone call to governor-elect Edwards...

[booing]

...as I want to congratulate him on a fine victory,

but I couldn’t get through because he was with the call girl.

[audience laughing]

I’ll try again later.

You know, even thought we did not prevail...

No! No!

- This time... - Yeah!

This is not a time for regrets, because this campaign

has given me so many moments and memories

that I will cherish the rest of my life.

I will never forget the image of a little eight-year-old boy

in Lafayette, holding up a hand-lettered sign

which read simply, "No Race Mixing".

[applause]

And how can I forget all the good folk who stayed up nights,

making threatening calls to my opponent’s supporters.

[applause]

There’s so many people to thank:

Evel Knievel, Adolf Coors,

and some I can’t name because you’ve asked me not to.

There should be no tears tonight because even though we lost...

No!

...we’ve accomplished something:

we’ve shown that in this country,

a man who is a former KKK Grand Wizard,

and who just two years ago was selling Nazi propaganda out of his government office,

can almost become the governor of a major state.

[applause]

Now during this campaign, we may have said some things

that hurt some people, but now is a time for healing.

To all my former Nazi colleagues who might have offended during this race

by moderating my views, I am truly sorry.

The days ahead, we must build bridges;

bridges of understanding between the hard-line Gerry Nazis,

and the more moderate Goebel Nazis,

who are both working towards the same ultimate goal,

because I truly believe that in every defeat lie the seeds of victory.

And so, as a great man once said in 1924 after an unsuccessful putsch,

live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[audience cheering]

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade, and featuring Beth Cahill,

Melanie Hutsell,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Mariah Carey,

and starring Linda Hamilton.

Ladies and gentlemen, Linda Hamilton!

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

I’ve been looking forward to hosting the show tonight

because it gives me a chance to let people know

I’m not just the gun-totting, grenade-launching Sarah Connor

from The Terminator.

As much as I enjoyed it, that’s not who I am.

I am just your average American girl;

I grew up in the suburbs in Salisbury, Maryland.

This is my parents’ house.

It’s a great place for kids.

I used to climb that tree.

You know, we used to put on plays in this little church.

This is where I first decided to become an actress.

[audience laughing]

Oh, look, there’s my high school sweetheart, Larry.

I had such a crush on him.

And this is where I had my first job at this neighborhood supermarket.

[audience laughing]

Oh, and my first new car!

I bought it after I landed the part in Beauty and the Beast.

[audience laughing]

I had to wait three months to get that color grey.

And this is my agent, Ronnie.

He’s the one that got me the role of Sarah Connor.

[audience laughing]

This is where I live now.

It’s not a mansion, but I love it.

So there you have it, the story of my life.

[audience cheering]

We got a...

We got a very great show tonight;

Mariah Carey is with us.

[audience cheering]

So don’t go away, we’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

[music]

* I know one and one is more than two *

* You’ll be amazed what you can do *

* You’ll understand what freedom means *

* In your three-legged jeans *

* When you’re in your Levi’s thee-legged jeans. *

* Free at last Free at last *

* Free at last Free at last *

* Free at last Free at last *

* Free at last Free at last *

* I say a-leggin, a-leggin for you wherever you go, whatever you do. *

* A-leggin a leg a leg for you, how do you move, how do you feel *

* A-leggin a-leggin a-leggin for being wherever you happen to be *

* Nothing in this world is beyond your jeans *

* When you wear your three-legged jeans *

* When you’re in your Levi’s three-legged jeans *

* Free at last Free at last. *

* A-leggin, a-leggin, a-leggin *

* Free at last Free at last *

* Free at last Free at last *

Not any dumber than acid-washed.

Okay Rosemary, just two more.

Way to go, get it down.

It’s getting easier.

Good.

All right, great, you did good.

Why don’t you go and stretch.

Thanks, Andrea.

Andrea, I’ve got a new member ready for an evaluation.

Can you handle it?

I was going to lunch. Can’t you do it?

Well, I think you’d be better with this client.

Why? Is he a rich, gorgeous hunk?

Well, it’s a hunk of something.

[audience cheering]

Who’s going to evaluate me?

* A lot of people say "what’s that?" *

* It’s Pat. *

* A m’am or a sir, except him or her *

* Or whatever it might be *

* It’s time for androgyny, here comes Pat. *

Hi, I’m Andrea and I’m one of the trainers here at the club.

And you are Pat Reilly?

Yeah, it’s like the coach.

Okay Pat, why don’t you have a seat.

All right.

We’ll get some information on you here, some personal history,

and then we’ll figure out what...

...is the best exercise program for you.

Fine by me, shoot.

Okay.

[audience laughing]

Pat, is Pat short for something?

No, just Pat.

Uh huh... Er...

You happen to have a middle name?

Oh, I hate it. I never use it.

It’s vital information. We need it.

Okay, it’s O’Neill; it’s my mother’s maiden name.

Yuck!

[audience laughing]

Okay. Age?

Thirty.

- Height? - Five-eight.

Sex?

Yes, please.

[audience laughing]

That’s my little joke.

[audience laughing]

Would you say that you’re in good health?

I mean, are you having regular periods... of activity?

[audience laughing]

Well, sometimes I dance alone in my apartment.

[audience laughing]

Is there anything I should know about you that isn’t apparent?

What you see is what you get.

Well, okay Pat, I want you to stand up.

Okay.

I’m going to pinch this skin folds around your abdomen

and then we can get a body fat percentage.

Oh, great.

[audience laughing]

It will only take a second.

Oh, it’s cold, it tickles, don’t.

[audience laughing]

Listen, this is no fun for me either.

[audience laughing]

Please, I just want to exercise.

Okay, okay forget it.

I guess we both know you need to lose a little,

not matter what you are... body fat percentage-wise.

I’m here, aren’t I?

Yes, you are.

Okay Pat, work with me.

What kind of body are you going for?

Well--

I mean, do you want a muscular V-shape

or something a little more curvy?

Well, I just saw the movie Return to the Blue Lagoon,

I’m sure like a body like that?

Oh.

Oh, well...

Are there specific areas of your body you want to work on?

Naturally, I’d like to be bigger at the right places,

if you know what I mean.

What do you think I should work on?

I’m in your hands.

[audience laughing]

Well, I think you need to tone, to tone up.

And I think you need a lot of cardiovascular exercise,

you know, burn through that fat, see what’s under there.

All right.

- Get on the bike. - Okay.

We’ll get a target heart rate for you.

Start pedaling.

I want to start you on level one.

Faster, Pat.

Hard?

Well, now you’re doing uphill.

You got to push.

Please, let me stop.

Get me off this devil machine!

[audience laughing]

All right Pat.

Really it’s not that bad.

I think you’re going to start to like this place.

You’ll start feeling better about yourself and...

Hey, you know, you’ll meet people.

You mean members of the opposite sex?

Yeah, for example, take me.

Would you find someone like me attractive?

God, you’re really insecure.

What about Ron here?

Is he more what you’re looking for?

I don’t believe it. This place is so kinky.

I’m sorry.

That was out of line.

Look, why don’t you just go to the locker room

and get changed,

- and I’ll show you the track. - Where are they?

They’re right over there.

Men and women’s locker rooms, straight ahead.

All right.

- Go ahead. - Okay.

- Yeah, just keep walking. - Go on.

Go walk right in.

I hope there aren’t a lot of mirrors in there.

Don’t worry.

Just go on.

- Pick a door. - Walk through a door.

Okay, here I go.

[Announcer:] We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.

Here is anchorman Kevin Nealon.

This just in: recent studies have shown that parents with small children

get five times as many colds as single adults.

More details as they come in.

And now back to the conclusion of the Pat sketch already in progress.

Yes sir, the question is finally answered.

Yeah, you know I had a hunch, but I just wasn’t sure.

Well, now we know.

* It’s time for androgyny *

* It’s Pat. *

[audience cheering]

Oh, this is a great party.

Yeah, so far, but I got some bad news.

What do you mean?

Well, I had to invite somebody

and I don’t think you’ll be very happy about it.

Oh no, who?

Massive Headwound Harry.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:] Welcome once again to Massive Headwound Harry.

Tonight’s episode: The Cocktail Party.

[door bell]

Hey, great party.

[audience laughing]

Look, sorry I’m late I forgot where you live.

Oh, my God!

[audience laughing]

That’s okay, Harry.

I feel dizzy.

Would you like to lay down, maybe in the garage?

No, I just need some food to get my strength back.

I lost a lot of blood on the way over here.

[audience laughing]

Well, you got to try some of these shrimp, friend.

Good Lord!

I’m sorry, let me help you with that.

[audience laughing]

I’d better go see if he’s all right.

No, no, no, you stay here.

No, yeah, I’m fine.

I just got to rest for a second.

Maybe I need to lie down.

Why did you have to invite him?

Sorry, he overheard me talking to Phil and Steve,

what I was going to do?

[audience laughing]

Oh, boy, whoa.

Oh, boy, whoa.

Whoa, easy boy.

[audience cheering]

He probably smells my dog.

[audience cheering]

We really have to go.

Thanks for having us.

- We understand. - Sorry.

I guess the party’s over. Thanks for having me.

No, that’s not your hat.

Oh, I’m sorry.

No, no, it’s all right.

- You can have it. - Thanks.

[Announcer:] This has been Massive Headwound Harry.

Next week’s episode, Borrowing the Headphone.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] As the evening sky faded from a salmon color

to a sort of flint gray,

I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning.

And how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

[audience applauding]

Linda, oh my God, I’m such as big fan.

You know, you got my relationships together

when you was in Beauty and the Beast,

I have to tell you that.

Oh really. That’s very flattering.

You know, because I said to myself,

"if the lovely Linda Hamilton could keep sleeping with that hairy thing,

than I can keep kissing Enrique."

[audience laughing]

See, that wasn’t real.

You know, we have so much in common.

You see, my Enrique used to sleep in the streets so right,

and he was all pissy and nasty, and my mother would say,

"if you keep sleeping on the street, you’re going to get fleas,"

you know, and I got fleas from that. Did that happen to you?

No, I didn’t get fleas.

You know, he wasn’t really ugly, that was make-up.

Make-up?

You don’t have to be embarrassed because I do the charity work too,

Linda, you know,

because I never get the cute guys, you won’t believe it,

right, but I never do.

I always get, the half-missing chromosome guy

with a twitch or something, you know.

Like everytime I had sex with Enrique, I could get it off my taxes,

because that was a charity, with a capital "CH".

Zarita, is it?

Oh, yeah, Zarita Cruz.

Listen, I have to get ready for my next scene.

I know you got to go and everything,

but just hear me un poquito, just a minute.

Tell me, I read in the National Enquirer that you and the Beast,

you had a baby and you gave it up for adoption to the SPCA.

Is that true?

No, and his name is Ron Perlman.

So you kept the baby?

Que pobrecita, you’re so sweet--

No, I didn’t have a baby with the Beast... with Ron Perlman.

Okay, okay, okay, calm down.

We are in the same business.

Me and you Linda, you know we are so simultaneous.

Because I could identify with you in Terminator 2.

You was out there protecting the world from nuclear destruction,

and I’m here protecting the studio from nuclear destruction,

standing up on my toes, you know.

I was just acting. I mean, this is your job.

So what you’re trying to say?

- Nothing. - You’re trying to put me down?

No, I wasn’t putting you down, I just say--

I think being a security guard is a fine job.

So I look like a security guard to you?

I am a security agent, okay.

Can you say that, Miss Linda, security agent?

Sorry, "security agent".

You don’t have to go loud with me, Miss.

- I wasn’t getting loud. - No, no, no, don’t walk away.

You walk away from me, that’s it.

You think because you got muscles? I don’t care about that.

Linda, what makes you think I won’t caught you?

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m a reformed white supremacist.

[audience laughing]

In our lead story, David Duke was shocked tonight

when a make-up artist discovered a patch of dark skin behind his ear.

[audience laughing]

Further plastic surgery may be required.

Speculation is that if he had been elected,

the controversial candidate would have faced balky legislators.

The balky legislators, as you know, are from Latvilithianasteny.

[audience laughing]

Crayola’s new Skin Tones of the World,

a small set of multi-cultural crayons with colors to match skin complexions,

has been recalled after a riot in the box erupted

between the colors Burnt Siena and the Chrome Heights Peach.

[audience laughing]

Spokesman for the company added that they have also introduced

a small set of flesh-tone colors to be marketed in Louisiana.

[audience laughing]

At an Albany supermarket last night,

shoppers expressed their impatience with Governor Mario Cuomo

after he held up the checkout line while trying to decide

between paper or plastic bags.

[audience applauding]

And according to recent statistics,

if Americans were to cast votes today,

Bush would receive 57% of the votes, and Cuomo 39%,

which really demonstrates the problem with this country:

57 and 39 do not equal 100%.

[audience laughing]

And until these people learn to count, no one should vote.

Fox has announced that it will become the first television network

to run ads for condoms; one condition being

that each condom should bear the likeness of Bart or Homer Simpson.

[audience laughing]

Another conditions is the ads cannot mention the use of condoms for birth control;

the commercial is expected to demonstrate the joy of making lubricated balloon animals.

[audience laughing]

Magic Johnson’s recent announcement has caused some debate

between advocates of safe sex and advocates of abstention

to prevent the HIV virus.

In fact, Vice-President Quayle has spoken out,

saying people should abstain as demonstrated by the administration’s ability

to abstain from doing anything about the virus for years.

[audience cheering]

Garry Trudeau’s Doonesbury comic strip caused a controversy this week,

with the story legend that Dan Quayle may at one time have been involved with drugs.

Quayle blasted Trudeau, saying thanks to Doonesbury,

now he’ll never know whether or not to believe what he sees in good comics.

[audience laughing]

Wilt Chamberlain in his recent autobiography "View from Above"

claims to have had sex with over 20,000 different women.

To give you some idea of how many women that actually is,

if each one of them had become pregnant,

Wilt would be in plenty of trouble.

[audience laughing]

It’s also announced today that Chamberlain will be appointed

to the president’s commission on bacterial infections.

[audience laughing]

After cross-referencing, Geraldo’s book and Wilt Chamberlain’s book,

it was discovered that the two men had unknowingly slept with one another,

at least 10,000 times.

[audience cheering]

In Gorbachev’s new book The August Coup,

he reveals how members of the coup surprised him

by arriving at his Crimean sea resort inside a vehicle called the Trojan Head.

[audience laughing]

Recent medical studies shows that short men are more likely to suffer heart attacks

than men who are tall.

The study also shows that very tall men are much more likely to experience headaches

from running into light fixtures and low doorways.

[audience laughing]

In a related story, recent study reveals that smokers’ chances

of having a heart attack are highest in the morning;

ironically, a smoker’s best chances of having breakfast are also in the morning.

[audience laughing]

Now due to the increased number of car phones than fax machines,

parts of Los Angeles, California have been assigned a new area code 310.

It’s also announced this week that New York City has been assigned the new area code 911.

[audience laughing]

And now, with a different perspective on Michael Jackson’s new video "Black or White"

is Update correspondent, Larry Roman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Kevin. Thanks so much.

What a night huh, folks? Look at the studio.

[audience cheering]

Look at the studio, you guys got more lights than a Christmas tree in here,

I’m telling you yadda, yadda, yadda.

Now let me talk about this video; it’s a little weird,

you know what I’m talking about?

I’m not too sure what young Michael’s trying to say in this thing,

except maybe if you park you car in my neighborhood,

I’ll smash its windows, jump on the hood,

and proceed to masturbate.

[audience laughing]

Now I understand that these kids had little work done,

you know what I mean, on a face that old Mike has been tucked

more than a bed at the Ramada.

[audience laughing]

I don’t know what Maury could do with that cranium of his.

Maybe he should have the doctor tussle a little stick of dynamite at his head

and see what he gets.

I mean, this kid’s done more peeling than A.J. Foyt tires.

[audience laughing]

What I’d say the kid’s got talent.

He can dance; he’s got more movement than my bowels.

[audience laughing]

Not funny, all right.

This kid sings like a freaking nightingale.

This kid’s got a better set of pipes than a crack addict,

yadda, yadda, yadda.

Anyway, back to the video, now all of a sudden,

everybody’s jumping on this poor kid.

He’s got to apologize forward and whatnot.

Now he’s got more problems than David Duke at the Apollo.

Suddenly--

[audience laughing]

I never know which ones you’re going to go for.

Suddenly, he’s lower than the testicles of a retired Teamster.

[audience laughing]

Now he’s got to trim the thing,

cut out the whole parkways on top of a Buick Skylark,

grab a Mr. Willie.

I guess someone must have told him to get a hold of himself;

except there’s not too much to hold, folks, you know what I’m talking about.

He’s got less downstairs than a house with no basement.

[audience laughing]

He’s got a smaller organ than a monkey grinder.

- This kid’s got a thing-- - Thank you, Larry.

- Thank you Larry. - I’m rolling here.

Now we’re got to get back to the news here.

Oh, I understand.

You got more stories than freaking Mother Goose.

You’re more updated than a clock.

All right thanks, Larry. We got to go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got to go.

You got to go like June Allison after a freaking six-pack.

Larry Roman, everybody, Larry Roman.

[audience cheering]

Well, the House voted last week to broaden the death penalty,

making it possible to execute a person up to five or six times.

[audience laughing]

Using x-ray, scientists have been able to pin point certain brain activity,

which can help us understand many of our serious memory problems.

But using these x-rays, scientists can pin point the brain activity,

which can help us understand many serious memory problems.

[audience laughing]

Salvatore Gravano, John Gotti’s former right-hand man,

has announced that he will cooperate with the government

and testify against his former boss.

He has since entered to the Federal Witness Relocation program,

has undergone radical plastic surgery to change his appearance.

[audience laughing]

The government has assured him that he will no longer be in danger.

Well, the last Atlanta Brave fans have finally left Minneapolis last night,

hiding their faces but defiantly doing the chop

as they boarded the bus for Atlanta.

State Health officials report

that sex diseases have risen sharply in Virginia.

They’re someone you want to stay away from, huh?

[audience laughing]

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[audience cheering]

[music]

Hi, this is the Chris Farley Show.

I’m Chris Farley and our guest tonight is Martin Scorsese.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Thank you.

One of the greatest directors of... all time...

Man, that sounds stupid.

Chris, that was fine, that was fine.

- Really? - That was fine, yeah.

No, it wasn’t.

I’m such an idiot - sorry.

That was fine.

Anyway Mr. Scorsese is the director of the best movies ever made:

Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas,

which is completely awesome.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks.

Do you remember that one scene in Goodfellas when...

...Ray Liotta says to Joe Pesci, "You’re a funny guy"?

and Joe Pesci goes "I’m funny?

How am I funny?"

And Ray Liotta goes "I mean, you’re just funny."

And Joe Pesci gets really angry and goes, "Am I a clown to you?

Am I here to make you laugh?

How am I funny?"

Yes, sure I remember.

[audience laughing]

- That was awesome. - Thanks. Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.

Now, one of your films was very controversial,

it was The Last Temptation of Christ

based on the book by...

- ...Nikos Ka...zantzakis... - Kazantzakis, Kazantzakis.

It was a film about the dual nature of Christ.

Do you remember that one scene where Jesus goes into the temple

and the money changers are there,

and Jesus starts punching them out

and starts dumping all the tables

and they just lose it on that one guy?

Yes. What about it?

Was that your idea?

[audience laughing]

No, no, it’s from the New Testament, the Bible.

Oh, right.

Idiot. Idiot.

It’s all right.

[audience laughing]

It’s understandable.

We’re going to open the phone lines pretty soon,

but before we do, I was wondering since you’re here,

- if I can ask you something. - Sure Chris, go ahead.

Remember that scene in Taxi Driver

when De Niro’s looking at the mirror and he goes,

"You talking to me? You talking to me?

Well, I’m the only one here so you must be talking to me."

Would you do that?

[audience laughing]

Are you talking to me?

You talking to me?

Well, I’m the only one here so you must be talking to me.

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, we open the phone lines now if you want to talk to Martin Scorsese.

There’s someone on the line. Hello?

[Female voice:] Yeah, is Martin Scorsese there?

- He’s right here. Go ahead. - Hello.

Martin, my name is Donna

and do you remember in that scene

in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta says to Joe Pesci,

"You’re a funny guy."

And Joe Pesci says, "What do you mean I’m funny?

Am I a clown to you?

Do I amuse you?"

Do you remember that?

Yes, yes, I do.

Donna, don’t you remember when we just talked about that

a few minutes ago?

Don’t you remember that?

Right, you did.

Oh, I’m an idiot.

Idiot!

I can’t believe I did that.

Don’t worry about that. I do that all the time.

Thanks for calling.

We’re almost out of time, but you have a new movie out,

Cape Fear, which has an awesome preview where the villain goes,

"Come out, come out, wherever you are."

Yes, it’s Bob De Niro.

Right, De Niro’s awesome.

Yes, he is.

Did you see Awakenings?

Yes.

Remember that one scene where De Niro’s in a coma for all those years,

and then Robin Williams throws in the ball and he wakes up?

Yes. Did you see that film?

I didn’t see it, but my friends told me it was awesome.

[audience laughing]

Well, that’s it for this week show.

Thank you, Mr. Scorsese, one of the greatest directors.

- Was that okay? - That was fine.

I think it went very well. No, I think it’s fine.

- Okay, I hope so. Sorry. - That was good, that was good.

Okay, so this was The Chris Farley Show,

is that okay or should we end up here?

Sit down.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

[Male voice:] The sound of fresh rain runoff splashing from the roof

reminded me of the sound of urine

splashing into a filthy, Texaco latrine.

This is a lovely place, Sonny.

Yes, someone at the office recommended it.

Good, good yes.

We nearly didn’t recognize the two of you when you came in, did we, honey?

No, we didn’t.

Are you doing something different?

Oh, well we started running together every morning,

and we both gave up red meat.

That’s right. Papa doesn’t eat red meat.

Well, whatever you’re doing, it certainly looks good on you.

Remember when we were in college and we used to try out a different diet every month,

remember?

Uh-oh, eyelash; don’t move, baby.

[audience laughing]

Thumb or forefinger?

Finger.

That’s going to make Papa so happy.

[audience laughing]

I’ll be right back.

Daddy’s got to go.

[audience laughing]

Well, I’m just glad Jim picked out a restaurant that serves fish.

I didn’t realize that you and Jerry had given up red meat.

I’m sorry, what?

She was just saying how good you and Jerry are.

What is with you two?

I’ve never seen you so happy?

Oh, we went to a couple’s seminar in Santa Fe.

It changed our lives.

We’ve been at Scottsdale a couple of times.

[audience laughing]

We stayed at the Sheraton, didn’t we?

I think so. You remember that barbecue place?

Oh yeah, yeah, that was a nice place.

The two of you would have loved that.

There is Jerry.

[audience laughing]

Where were you?

I was in the little boys’ room.

I missed you.

I thought about you the whole time.

Maybe we should go to one of those seminars, honey.

No, we shouldn’t.

[audience laughing]

I was saying that sometimes, people get busy and they just--

No.

Right. Dinner Caesar, there you go.

You sir, there you go.

Hearts of Romaine, over here.

Okay, excuse me, with your lemon.

And you, sir, for you, poached shrimp.

There you go, enjoy.

Well, isn’t that lovely?

This is much too large to be the dinner salad.

Was baby having trouble with her food?

Oh, let daddy help baby.

Baby cut.

Thank you.

Where’s my reward?

Daddy, yeah.

Jimmy, would you like a bite of mine?

[audience laughing]

We’re having the same thing.

[audience laughing]

Oh, no, mama dropped fork.

How baby going to eat?

[audience laughing]

Mama take care of baby.

Baby like.

Did I tell you that I saw Barbara last month?

Well, they’re doing fine.

And they said to say hello.

Baby want sauce?

Yup, baby want sauce.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Baby want.

[audience laughing]

Barbara bought a sports car,

and what kind did she get, honey?

[audience laughing]

A Miata.

Baby wants sauce.

That doesn’t sound right. I thought it was a Mazda.

- Baby want more sauce. - Mama loves you.

- Miata is a Mazda. - Are you sure?

Yes.

Anyway, she had a new toy, she’s just all for a ride,

but she wouldn’t let anyone drive it, not even Ted.

Mama give baby sauce, baby loves sauce.

[audience laughing]

For God’s sake, WILL YOU STOP!

[audience laughing]

I’m sorry, excuse me.

Oh, no, no, we’re sorry.

It’s just sometimes, Jerry and I are so focused on each other’s needs

that we ignore the other people around us.

You have every right to be upset.

We’re sorry.

Well, it’s okay.

[audience laughing]

So, you were saying Ted has a new car?

No, Barbara. It’s a Miata or something.

Anyways, she won’t let anyone drive it.

But you know Barbara, she hasn’t changed.

And they love the car. They’ve been driving it all over the place.

We were thinking of getting a new car too,

but I don’t know what kind we’ll get. Anyway--

[audience cheering]

I want to thank you all for coming,

and I’ve had a great time.

Mariah Carey.

Martin, thank you.

This is Travis.

Goodbye.

[audience applauding]

[music]