Original subtitles

Now, Mr. Hansell, as you may have heard me tell the previous group,

the case on which you may serve as juror has been highly publicized;

therefore both Mr. Smith’s attorney, Mr. Black,

and the prosecuting attorney will need you to ask you some questions.

They need to determine if you have any knowledge of this case

or bias which could disqualify you as juror.

Now, you understand you are under oath.

Yes, your honor.

Counselor?

Mr. Hansell, I’m Roy Black, Mr. Smith’s attorney.

How you’re doing today?

- Fine. - Good, good.

I’d like to begin by getting a sense of your feelings

about the Kennedy family as a whole.

Let me ask you: what are you impressions

of my client’s grandfather, Joseph P. Kennedy?

Oh, made his money on bootlegging

and securities fraud,

- pro-Nazi during World War Two. - All right, all right.

Had an affair with Gloria Swanson...

Let’s talk about President John F. Kennedy:

what do you know about him?

Oh, big womanizer; had that affair with Marilyn Monroe...

Okay. What about Bobby Kennedy?

Oh, ran for president, also slept with Marilyn.

[audience laughing]

Okay, what about Senator Ted Kennedy?

Huge drunk.

[audience laughing]

Well, no further questions, your honor.

Counselor, does the prosecution have any questions?

No, we’re fine here. We like him.

Defense counsel?

The defense moves to strike this jury, your honor.

Very well Mr. Hensley, you’re excused.

Ms. Patterson, you may have a seat and may I remind you that you are under oath.

Oh yes, your honor.

Miss Patterson, how are you today?

- Oh, I’m fine thank you. - Good, good.

Tell me, Miss Patterson, do you have any general feelings

about the Kennedy family as a whole?

Oh yes, I love that family.

You know, when I was growing up, there were three pictures in our front room:

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, John F. Kennedy,

- and Bobby Kennedy. - I see.

They did so much for black people, you know.

Yes.

What about Senator Ted Kennedy?

Oh, big old bulls head.

[audience laughing]

Red nose, puffy eyes, shaky old, I don’t know, crashed off that bridge...

All right, all right. That’s enough.

You know, he was running around buck-naked,

showing his behind to all of them young girls.

He was just disgusting he didn’t even know that.

Miss Patterson, that’s enough.

Counselor?

We’re okay here.

- Defense counselor? - Move to strike, your honor.

Very well, you are excused.

Miss Holcomb, you may have a seat,

and may I remind you that you are under oath.

Miss Holcomb, I need to ask you a few questions:

just want to find out a little how you feel about my client’s family?

The Kennedys, right?

Yes, right.

I don’t anything about the Smiths.

Well no, it’s the Kennedys.

What can you tell me about John Kennedy?

Well, he slept with Marilyn Monroe and a lot of other women

besides his wife, but she was the most famous.

Okay, what about Bobby Kennedy?

Well, he also slept with Marilyn Monroe,

but I think she like Jack better,

but then they had to get rid of her,

but it wasn’t because she found out

about the Judith Exner and Sam Giancana connection.

My theory is that Peter Lawford thought that Jack was spending

too much time with Marilyn and not enough time watching

the missiles coming to Cuba.

- That’s okay, Miss Holcomb. - Prosecution?

No problem here.

Defense counsel?

Your honor, how many of these jurors am I allowed to strike?

Ten.

And how many have I used?

Seven.

Okay, we’ll take her.

Yeah!

[audience laughing]

Thank you. Would you please check with the bailiff?

Thank you.

Mr. Stroebel, you may have a seat and may I remind you that you are under oath.

[audience laughing]

Right.

Counselor?

Mr. Stroebel, you are a house painter, correct?

Well, mainly I scrape, the other guys paint,

and when I do paint, it’s usually the base coats.

- So mainly a scraper. - That’s really not important.

[audience laughing]

Tell me, Mr. Stroebel,

what are your impressions of John F. Kennedy?

I know he did something.

[audience laughing]

There’s a school, right?

Junior high... John F. Kennedy Junior High, right?

[audience laughing]

All right, what about Bobby Kennedy?

It doesn’t ring a bell.

[audience laughing]

What about Senator Ted Kennedy?

He’s a good guy.

[audience laughing]

One time when I was hitchhiking, he came by and pick me up

and we went down that place, you know, Eddie’s One More Time.

We are trading shots, he’s a great guy.

- Is he here? - No, no.

[audience applauding]

All right, no more questions?

Counsel?

Well, we’ll let him have this one.

Defense counsel?

Are you kidding? This one’s a keeper.

[audience applauding]

- You mean I’m in the jury? - Yes.

Awesome.

One more thing: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring Al Franklin,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest Skid Row,

and starring Kiefer Sutherland.

[audience cheering]

Hey Phyllis, I thought you quit smoking?

You’re gonna be my inspiration.

Not anymore.

Now I can smoke as much as I like,

now that I got the Lung Brush.

Lung Brush?

That’s right, Lung Brush, created by a small inventor

in California, who himself enjoy smoking.

Lung Brush is the easy, inexpensive alternative

to quitting or cutting down.

Here’s how it works: taking hold of the easy grip handle,

slide the gentle bristle device past the trachea,

back down the windpipe and into the lung itself.

The unique Lung Brush design allows you to remove caked-on tar,

smoke particles, even city smog phlegm,

freeing up clogged bronchial passages so vital for breathing and smoking;

and Lung Brush’s sturdy design makes cleaning and maintenance a snap.

One Lung Brush may be the only Lung Brush you’ll ever need.

Here’s football great, Kenny Stabler.

I threw my light and low-tar cigarettes away;

now back to my favorite brand again.

Thanks, Lung Brush.

Time to bed, dear.

[coughs]

Don’t forget to brush.

Lung Brush, that is.

So get into the Lung Brush habit today,

and smoke to your heart’s content.

Lung Brush is available wherever quality tobacco products are sold.

Only $14.95 from Life Tool.

[music]

[Announcer:] Campaign ’92: the race to avoid being the guy to loses to Bush.

Good evening, I’m Fay Sullivan of the League of Women Voters.

Welcome to this, the first of the series of debates

among the five leading Democrats who are trying to avoid being forced by their party

into a hopeless race against President George Bush.

Most of them have already announced that they’re not interested in the nomination,

but each, of course, is under enormous pressure

to be the chump who will take on the futile task

of running against this very, very popular incumbent.

They are Senator Bill Bradley of New Jersey.

[audience laughing]

I am not a candidate for president in 1992.

House majority leader Dick Gephardt of Missouri.

I do not seek my party’s nomination.

Senator Lloyd Benson of Texas.

I do not wish to be my party’s nominee in the next election.

Here for her husband, Senator Al Gore of Tennessee, Tipper Gore.

He’s not interested.

[audience laughing]

And Governor Mario Cuomo of New York.

[audience applauding]

No way.

[audience laughing]

Governor Cuomo, let’s begin with you.

In a way, one might say there’s no reason for any of you

to be forced into this race.

After all, there are already several announced candidates

for the Democratic nomination: Senator Kerry, Senator Harkin,

former Governor Brown, and so on.

Why is your party begging you or any of you to enter the race?

Fay, I don’t know, but I’ll tell you something:

if the Democratic Party would have made me its candidate in 1992,

it would go down to its worst defeat in history.

Oh come on, Mario; you’re probably the best candidate we’ve got.

Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo!

Please, please, Bill.

I resent the implication, that I’m the strongest candidate here.

Let’s be frank; you’re far better known than any of us,

or have you forgotten your brilliant play

as you led the New York Knicks to victory in the 1973 NBA Finals?

[audience cheering]

Bradley! Bradley! Bradley!

Bradley!

Bill, you could show me polls that have me losing to Bush

by seven points, and I can show you polls that have me losing to Bush by 40 points.

That’s not the issue; the issue is my record.

After eight years of my mismanagement as governor,

the economy of New York state is in the shambles.

Now I don’t think anyone here can point to a record like that.

- Now wait a minute. - Congressman Gephardt?

Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!

Hold on.

If you want to talk about shambles,

let’s talk about the U.S. House of Representatives

of which I’m the majority leader.

You know, the real enemy facing this country isn’t the Soviets,

it isn’t the Japanese; it’s people like me,

[audience laughing]

and the American people know it.

The fact is I couldn’t beat David Duke in Harlem.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

What his party needs is someone with the vision,

integrity and the guts of an Al Gore.

Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!

That is unfair.

My husband isn’t here tonight to answer to that kind of smear.

Then I have to ask you if your husband doesn’t think he should be this party’s nominee,

why didn’t he bother to show up here tonight?

My husband is with our kids at a gay porno theater.

Oh, come on, come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen please.

Senator Benson, we haven’t heard from you yet.

Benson! Benson! Benson!

Please, please.

Senator, tell us why Lloyd Benson should not be president?

Oh Fay, there’s so many reason, but ultimately it comes down to one thing:

this election is about ideas, and that fact is I have none.

Nothing covers empty. Nada, no one.

You know, I remind myself of that commercial "Where’s the beef?"

And that’s a problem with Lloyd Benson; where is the beef?

May I?

Senator Bradley?

What about me?

If Lloyd wants to talk about lack of substance,

I say what about me?

I’m an ex-jock, end of story.

The fact is Lloyd is one of the finest minds in the Senate;

in fact, he reminds many of us of another great Democrat,

John F. Kennedy.

Senator Bradley, I’m no Jack Kennedy.

I worked with Jack Kennedy, I am no Jack Kennedy.

[audience applauding]

Senator, that was uncalled for.

The fact is where most people hear the name Lloyd Benson,

they don’t think of Jack Kennedy;

they think of two other fellas: Michael Dukakis

and Willy Horton.

Come on!

Lloyd, that is shameless.

Senator Benson, I resent to suggest

that you are somehow more the candidate than Willy Horton and I or anyone else here.

The fact is, as governor of New York,

I have pardoned criminals far worse than Willy Horton,

including key figures in organized crime who happens to be close friends of mine.

I’m talking about the mob.

Well, gentlemen, Mrs. Gore,

we’ve reached the end of our allotted time.

Each of you is now allowed to brief closing statement.

Let’s begin with Tipper Gore.

Thank you, Fay.

I’m a mother of three children, and like any mother,

I want the best possible future for my kids.

When I think of a future with my husband as president,

frankly I’m scared.

Thank you.

Congressman Gephardt?

There’s a feeling abroad and in this land;

you sense it from the textile workers in South Carolina,

from machinists in Detroit, from ranchers in Wyoming:

the feeling that Dick Gephardt represents everything that’s wrong with this country.

You don’t want me as your president, and neither do I.

I want to remain in Congress;

after all, that’s where the money is; your money.

Thank you.

[audience applauding]

Senator Bradley?

Well, there are people that will tell you that I can beat George Bush.

Why? Because I’m a sports celebrity;

but I think you, the American people, are smarter than that.

You want a leader that can defend against terrorism,

not jump shots; who can make a foreign policy,

not inbounds pass; a leader who can run an economy,

not a three-man weave.

If America ever needs a man in low post, perhaps I’m the guy;

but when it comes to our nation’s highest post,

I just don’t cut it. Thank you.

And now, Senator Benson.

I’m old, I’m only gonna be getting older.

[audience laughing]

Older and more confused; hell I can’t tell you all the names

of the people that are standing right here.

[audience laughing]

One thing I can tell you is that George Bush have beat the living bejesus out of it.

He’s done it before, just ask a couple of friends of mine:

Michael Dukakis and Willy Horton.

And finally, Governor Cuomo.

Thank you, Fay.

Tonight, we’ve read a lot about images of perception,

about that polls shows what candidate losing by the least to whom at any given time.

Now I could stand here and talk about the inaccuracy of polling

on a subjective nature of the process, but that’s not the real issue here.

The real issue is very simple, I have my mob ties.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Well, that brings to a close of first of our series

of Democratic presidential debates.

Thank you all of you for your participation here tonight.

And I’d also like to take this opportunity

to remind our viewers at home that democracy works only when you vote.

When you don’t take the time to vote for the candidate you find least defensive,

you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive.

Thank you and good night.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] This has been Campaign ’92: the race to avoid being the guy

who loses to Bush.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:] Welcome to Whose Ass Should I Kiss?

With your host, Dale Robin.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you, and welcome.

As always on Whose Ass Should I Kiss,

two contestants from the same company will go head to head

and figure out which one of these three persons is in fact

a very important executive in their firm,

and how in turn could really help their career.

The other two are impostors.

Let’s watch our contestants try to climb the corporate ladder

by asking themselves, Whose Ass Should I Kiss?

But first, let’s meet our contestants,

Jeffrey Hanson and Larry Turner.

[audience cheering]

Jeffrey and Larry are both low-level grunts

who make cold calls for the investment firm of Shears and Lehmann.

I just want to say, Dale, before we start that this is by far

the greatest game show on television to date,

and you’re my favorite game show host.

Yes, I agree: this show’s important to me.

It’s always been there to give me a lift when I needed it.

Dale, I’ve been a fan of yours since back in the ’70s,

back on Devil’s Deal, the way you made everybody feel so welcome.

Yes, I agree. This show is like a family to me.

Okay, okay, I think you guys are ready to play.

This should be quite a contest, but you’d better focus your ass kissing

in that direction.

- Touché. - I hear you, amigo.

All right Jeffrey, let’s begin with you.

Executive number one, we work in the same building.

Which building is that?

And by the way, that’s a very nice suit you have on.

Is it an Armani?

We work in the World Trade Center, and yes thank you,

it is Armani.

Yes, I agree, it’s a wonderful suit.

Excellent choice.

Larry, Larry, it’s not your turn.

Well said.

Okay, Jeffrey, you have five points.

Nice job.

Yes, I agree. Nice job, Jeff.

Larry, that’s minus five points for ass kissing your opponent.

[audience laughing]

- I deserve it. - All right.

- Jeff, please continue. - It’ll be my pleasure.

Executive number two, not everybody has the drive

to succeed that you so obviously have.

Could you give some advice to those of us who are not as gifted?

Well, thank you very much I’d say if you want to succeed,

you work hard, play hard, and keep your mouth shut.

Jeffrey, another five points. Excellent ass kissing.

You’re not so bad yourself, Dale.

- Well, thank you. - No, no, thank you.

All right Larry, it’s your turn.

Executive number two, I’m almost inclined to think

that you’re way too young and handsome to be an executive.

Surely, you must be a movie star or something.

So you think I’m too young to be an executive? Is that what you’re saying?

- No, I-- - That’s another minus 5 points

for insulting executive number two.

I would like to take this time to formally apologize

to executive number two for even suggesting that--

Larry, stop your ass kissing. It’s not your turn.

Jeffrey, back to you.

Executive number three, forgive me but I can’t help myself,

are you wearing the perfume Shalimar?

Why, yes.

Doesn’t it take a special kind of woman to carry that off?

You’re right.

Jeffrey, you’re on the roll.

[audience applauding]

Excellent work there, Jeffrey.

Larry, you’re falling behind a little bit.

Executive number one, so many less talented people surround themselves with the yes men,

yet you’ve chosen people who challenge you and raise standards.

That’s what I thought. That’s not a question,

that’s just blatant brown-nosing.

Another minus five.

I’m not ashamed; I’d do it again.

All right Jeffrey, your turn.

Executive number one, do you find that your legendary sexual prowess enhances your work,

or is it that your work enhances your legendary sexual prowess?

Well, I have to admit I get my fair share.

All right.

Hey, hey, what’s this?

I have a dozen roses to be delivered to executive number three.

Oh, they’re prefect.

It was me that got them for you. You think nothing of it, it was the least I could do.

Oh Jeffrey, you’re so thoughtful.

Twenty-five bonus points!

[audience cheering]

Yes, very thoughtful.

- What’s that, Larry? - I didn’t say anything.

All right.

Jeffrey, still your turn.

Executive number two, you’re very tan and your skin is so youthful

while others around you have given into stress from such a demanding schedule.

How have you managed to stop your ageing process?

Well, just good genes, I guess.

Very good. Larry, your turn.

Executive number one, you’re obviously a very generous and talented man.

What sexual favor would you like?

[audience laughing]

I’m afraid we’ve run out of time Larry, and you have no points.

I’m afraid you won’t be around to play final ass kissing.

I just want to say it’s been a great experience,

- one I’ll always treasure-- - Oh, shut up.

Don Pardo, tell Jeffrey what he’ll be playing for?

[Announcer:] Dale, may I say you handled tonight’s show masterfully.

Jeffrey, you’ll be playing for a $10,000 a year raise;

a lifetime membership to the company’s exercise room and spa;

and best of all, your own name-stenciled parking space in the company garage.

Back to you, Dale.

Okay, you’re the best Don Pardo.

[Announcer:] No, you are.

It’s final ass-kissing time, Jeff.

Who’s it going to be?

Dale, it’s a difficult choice. They’re all so good.

Well, executive number two is a very talented executive

who I’m sure who’s not gonna let anything stop him from getting to the top of the ladder.

And executive number three, well,

she’s a very attractive woman who has managed to succeed

in a viciously male-dominated environment,

yet has retained all of her femininity.

I’ve decided to kiss executive number one’s ass because well,

I’ve seen him in the elevator a couple of times.

All right, congratulations, Jeffrey,

you’ve kissed butt correctly.

[audience cheering]

Bye everybody, see you tomorrow.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Who’s Ass Should I Kiss is an Arsenio Hall Production.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing,

but we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back

with some whore he picked up in town.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

[music]

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Nealon Kevin and I’m a recovering dyslexic.

[audience laughing]

Well, in Madrid the Mid-East peace talks got off to a bad start this week

when one of the delegates refused to shell out the $4 for the head phones.

[audience laughing]

And another problem developed when Palestinian delegates complained

that the Israelis were occupying their seats.

In response, the Israeli delegates claimed

the seats had always belonged to them.

A game of musical chairs will be held to settle the dispute.

Well, President Bush is seen here greeting a trick or treater

and then pointing him in the direction of the house

that gives outs Sikorsky attack helicopters.

[audience laughing]

Israel will not accept lamp for peace,

but announced that they will accept lamp for some really good concert tickets.

President Bush’s Kennebunkport neighbors complained to local police this week

following an all-night partying which George and Barbara trashed their house.

This week, Louisiana gubernatorial candidate David Dukes said

the new poll results show him to be in the lead for the November 16 run-off.

To celebrate, his supporters held a monster rally and a fund-raiser in New Orleans.

[audience cheering]

Researchers have theorized that young black men appear best suited

for long-term space travel because of the genetic trait

that gives them denser, stronger bones.

It was later revealed that this theory was merely a hoax

by white supremacists to encourage black men to leave the planet.

[audience laughing]

Well, JC at Memphis have apologized for an exhibit

in their annual haunted house titled Dead Elvis.

The exhibit featuring a room decorated with a toilet,

empty pizza boxes, pill bottles, and partly eaten jelly doughnuts

has been renamed the Palm Beach Kennedy Compound.

[audience laughing]

And for Halloween, Ted Kennedy wore pants and went as a commoner.

[audience laughing]

Newly sworn-in Justice Clarence Thomas signed an oath of office yesterday at the court,

afterwards the nine justices mingled and formally while Thomas sized-up his colleagues.

[audience laughing]

Donald Trump’s mother was mugged for $14 this week.

Police are looking for this suspect.

[audience cheering]

Before departing to the Philippines Thursday,

Imelda Marcos hobbled 30 feet on her knees up an aisle in New York St. Patrick Cathedral,

then knelt in the pew to pray.

Outside the cathedral, she admitted to reporters

she now owns over 2,000 pairs of knee pads.

[audience laughing]

Well, two witnesses have turned up whose testimony might finally

be able to put Mafia godfather John Gotti behind bars.

Most of Gotti’s court cases have ended in acquittal,

even beat a rap on The People’s Court.

Remember Judge Wapner one morning after waking up

and finding the head of Doug Llewellyn in his bed.

[audience laughing]

According to a recent survey, 90 percent of Americans feel

television newscasters will often quote from recent surveys;

the other 10 percent were wrong.

[audience laughing]

A 22,000-pound steel sculpture entitled Hammering Man was twisted and bent

when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into

the Seattle Art Museum this week.

The sculpture will now be entitled Twisted and Bent

When It Fell Atop a Crane That Was Hoisting a Man.

[audience laughing]

Well, more mysterious carved patterns and symbols showed up last week

in a Minnesota wheat field.

Experts theorized that these markings are the work of an alien sports fan.

[audience laughing]

Air traffic controllers in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport

have reported hundreds of near-miss incidences recently

when anti-collision alarms on airliners malfunctioned.

In attempt to lessen these incidents,

the FAA will require airliners to shorten their wings.

[audience laughing]

An MIT study has concluded that more people die in crashes of planes with more passengers.

For instance, in a plane carrying 220 people,

220 people will be killed,

as opposed to a plane carrying 15 people where only 15 people would be killed.

[audience applauding]

A further study reveals your best chance of survival

is to fly in an empty plane.

[audience laughing]

Mother Nature has filed harassment charges against Father Time this week.

She claims every three months or so,

he leaps on top of her while she’s changing seasons.

That can happen.

Twenty-seven people were injured this week after they were told to spring ahead and fall back.

[audience laughing]

Monoxidil, the hair-growing drug sold under the name Rogaine

is now being used as a Mace substitute:

you spray in the face of the attacker,

his eyebrows grow over his eyes obstructing his vision.

[audience laughing]

Unfortunately, the FDA claims it must be used on the attacker religiously,

twice a day for 6 months before there’s any noticeable results.

The restaurant Planet Hollywood has been open in New York

by co-owners Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone.

Appropriately, the kitchen will be specialized in mussels, ham,

and large, slow-speaking Italian vegetables.

[audience applauding]

Well, I decided to read Katharine Hepburn’s number one best-seller, "Me" this week.

Unfortunately, it’s horrible; the woman knows nothing about me.

Totally awful, nice try.

[audience laughing]

According to a recent survey, 70 percent of this pie chart is yellow

while the remaining 30 percent is blue.

[audience laughing]

On a bright note, the 49,000 stolen video cassette copies

of Walt Disney’s Fantasia were recovered yesterday in Memphis.

A Detroit-based distributor was happy to have them back,

but said 15,000 of those tapes were not re-wound.

[audience laughing]

Because of the success of Geraldo Rivera’s first book

listing all the women he had slept with,

he says he will write another; this time, he says he will list

all the women he has thought about while masturbating.

[audience laughing]

In an upcoming Vanity Fair issue,

Better Midler says Geraldo drugged and molested her.

Mr. Rivera called the charged preposterous, true but preposterous.

After all the recent negative criticism Dr. Kevorkian’s infamous suicide machine

killed itself this week.

In addition, the suicide manual "Final Exit"

jumped off the bookshelf and plunged to its death.

Stamford University, hospital surgeons last week removed

a 303-pound cyst from a 34-year-old woman.

The woman is doing fine and went home yesterday.

The cyst is recovering and will go home sometime next week.

[audience laughing]

This ad for Calvin Klein jeans has drawn much critical response

from media watchers, consumer groups, and concerned citizens.

After reading all the mail, I promise I’ll never pose for another one.

[audience laughing]

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[music and cheers]

Welcome to All Things Scottish.

Our slogan is if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

[audience laughing]

Can I help you?

Yeah, I like a poster of the guy who played Scottie on Star Trek. Do you got that?

- Oh aye, James Doohan. - Yeah.

All right, yeah. That will be $7.22 please.

Here you go.

Well, the machine doesn’t work.

I’ll have to pay it back later if you don’t mind.

Okay, sure.

- Sorry about that. - Okay, bye bye.

Rodney! Rodney, get out here and bring some more Scottie poster with you.

Master, won’t you chill, man.

Oh, I’ll chill you in a second, sonny Jim.

Sort out them shortbreads, would ya?

- Alright. But say Rodney. - What’s up, man?

I have a question for you:

are you wearing underwear under that kilt?

What yeah, of course I’m wearing underwear.

No, no, no, you shouldn’t wear underwear under that kilt.

A real man doesn’t wear any truss.

Well, a real man doesn’t wear a skirt.

[audience laughing]

Very clever,

but I don’t know why you’d say something like that,

knowing that I might come after you with butchering tools!

You’re lucky.

Welcome to All Things Scottish; if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

A friend of mine’s Scottish and he’s getting married

so I got to buy a kilt.

Well, you come to the right store.

Now, the kilts you have are 100 percent Scotch kilts, right?

Well, actually that’s Scots kilts.

Scotch is a drink, Scots are a people,

but we’re both quite tasty.

[audience laughing]

All right, now in Scotland, do man wear kilts all the time?

Oh, it’s a very manly garb.

Yeah, but I like it too.

[audience laughing]

Come again?

You know what I’m talking about, hearts, moons, stars, clovers.

[audience laughing]

Oh aye, except what you’re talking about is Irish,

and I’m in fact Scottish.

Now GET OUT!

Get out, Mr. No-Can-Tell-The- Difference-Between-Scotland-And -Ireland!

GET OUT!

I’ll be in the back.

Hi, welcome to All Things Scottish.

If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Does Mr. Stewart Rankin work here?

Yeah, he’s in the back. Who should I say is here?

Tell him it’s his brother Ronnie from Glasgow.

Stewart, your brother’s here.

What is you wantin’?

I came to say sorry.

Oh aye, you’re sorry after all these years.

Are you gonna accept my apologies, Stewart?

Now why should I accept the apology of a crazy bastard like you, you cheap?

Be like that but you’ll remember this crazy little bastard’s the only brother you got.

Now that’s not fair.

- I love you. - I love you!

- I love you, you bastard. - I love you too.

Come on, let’s have a drink.

Come again?

Let’s break a bottle of whisky and let’s have a drink.

- That’s it! I’ll kill you. - Come on, Stewart.

Come on man, he’s your brother. He just wants to have a drink.

Mind your own business, Rodney.

You don’t know the whole story.

Have a look at this.

Oh man, that’s a nasty scar. Did he cut you?

No, it’s surgery scar.

I gave him one of my kidneys.

And?

And he drinks like a fish.

He’s always steaming drunk.

He’s gonna ruin my kidney.

It’s my kidney now, you bastard.

[audience laughing]

What if I take it back?

I would smash a brick in your face, you brummy little braggart.

Rodney, Rodney get my butchering tools.

I’m gonna debone him like a shank.

I hope you got a thirsty mop, laddie, because this is gonna be a bloodbath.

You’re a dead man.

That’s not a nice way to speak to your only brother.

That’s not fair.

- I love you! - I love you!

- I love you so much it hurts. - That’s hurts.

- I love you. - I love you.

I love you. That’s all, just like in the movie Ghost.

Perhaps we can have a wee taste of Scotch that’s not gonna hurt our kidneys too much.

All right Ronnie, let’s go there.

We got a lovely, lovely, lovely.

Give it a wee bit more Scotch than that,

we get wee English measures here, laddie.

That’s it, that kidney is mine.

It’s not yer, it’s my kidney and I’ve been looking after it just fine. Thank you.

Do you think I’m stupid?

I bet by now my kidney’s so abused it’s starting to look like Sputnik.

Spherical but quite pointy-end perhaps.

Shut your gob, you wee little girl.

That’s it, one incision in the small of your back

and away we go, Mr. Kidney.

I’ll kick you so hard in the groonies, you’ll be peeing out your mouth.

[audience laughing]

Well, at least I’ve got groonies.

Well, at least I’ve got a brother.

Not fair, I love you.

- I love you. - I love you.

- I love you. - I love you.

I love you, but hold on. Hold on.

Welcome to All Things Scottish; if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

Do you have family tartans?

Aye we do, hen.

And what’s your family’s name?

Grotowski.

[audience laughing]

Grotowski?

Oh, the Grotowski tartan,

from the Voyeur Hojets clan of tartans, I suppose.

NOW GET OUT!

Get out, Mrs. No-Can-Understand- -Her-Own-Ethnic-Background!

GET OUT!

- I love you! - I love you!

Give us a kiss.

[audience cheering]

Okay now, you can read your book and listen to your new tape.

I’d rather listen to my tape.

All right, but lights out in ten minutes.

- Okay, good night, mom. - Good night, honey.

[sound of electric guitar]

Are you ready for bed?

Yeah.

Are you ready for nighty night?

* Now let’s rock and roll! *

* Old MacDonald had a farm, hee hi hee hi ho *

* And on his farm he had a duck, *

hee hi hee hi ho. *

[Narrator:] Yeah, it’s Kiddie Metal from Guns N’ Roses.

You’re get 20 head banging, bone-crunching tunes that

children love to sing.

* There’s an old lady who swallowed a fly *

* I don’t know why she swallowed that fly *

* Perhaps she’ll die *

[Narrator:] And rainy days are just plain fun

as Axl and Slash tear through this old favorite.

* There was as farmer who had a dog *

* And Bingo was his name oh, *

* B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name oh. *

* Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care *

* Jimmy crack corn and I don’t care *

* Jimmy crack corn *

* and I don’t care! *

[Narrator:] Act now and you’ll also receive this classic collection

of Slash performing Mother Goose.

How you’re doing? This is Humpty Dumpty.

[plays guitar]

And this is Little Miss Muffet.

[plays guitar]

[Narrator:] And many more.

Plus this never before released recording of Axl Rose

and Skid Row’s Sebastian Bach

and Rachel Bolan in Dueling ABC’s.

* A-B-C-D-E-F-G *

* and H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P *

* Q-R-S-T-U-V W-X-Y-Z *

* Now I know my ABC *

* Now I want you *

* I said show me what you say *

* Tell me what you say *

* Tell me what you say! *

[Narrator:] Kiddie Metal, now available at Record World and Holly Hobbitt.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.

[Male voice:] I wish a robot would get elected president.

That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him

and not feel too bad.

[Male voice:] I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

[Announcer:] Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer,

a member of several 12-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a great show today,

and I’m going to help people because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First of all, I want to thank everyone

for the positive letters I got last month, for the last month’s show,

the show I did last month, "Compare and Despair",

because when you compare yourself to other people,

you invite your critical inner voice to just go hog-wild

and you are in despair.

You end up in despair; "Compare and despair",

a show I did... last month.

Okay, today I have a guest.

You know, usually I do not have guest, and that’s... okay.

[audience laughing]

But today I have a very special guest, it’s my cousin,

Leon Smalley.

And Leon, Leon has his own recovery show in Canada,

which went on the air after mine,

and what’s the name of your show, Leon?

Well, it’s called Today’s Meditation with Leon Smalley,

and I just want to say, Stuart, how grateful I am to you

because you’ve really been an inspiration to me.

I know... I mean, thank you.

We’re gonna show now a little clip from Leon’s show

Today’s Meditations so we’re gonna show that right now.

That’s a surprise, Stuart.

Well, I get tapes sent to me of your show in Canada,

and they’re very interesting.

For example, here’s a show that Leon did just last week.

I’m gonna do a great show today, and I’m gonna give myself

because I’m joyful, I’m happy, and gosh darn it, I’m free.

Hello, I’m Leon Smalley.

Today we’re gonna talk about another one of those insidious things

that we do to ourselves, it’s called comparing.

It’s a Leon no-no, and I call it compare and despair.

[audience laughing]

Gee, compare and despair.

When did I last hear that?

Maybe a month ago when I did a show on it.

Where did you last hear it, Leon?

Well Stuart, as you know, "Compare and despair"

is a very common 12-step saying,

and I figure that the more people get the message,

the more people will help.

Where did you get the three-thing into the mirror:

"I’m joyful, I’m happy, and gosh darn it, I’m free"?

I mean, why not: "I’m creative, I’m original,

I made this up myself"?

[audience laughing]

Stuart, I’m sensing a resentment.

Me, harboring a resentment?

No, no. If I had a resentment, I would say something

because carrying around resentments is like carrying baggage you...

- ...really ought to check. - ...really ought to check.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, since Leon and I are cousins,

I thought we should do today’s show on family,

and in the Smalley family, we’re all either alcoholics

or co-dependents.

[audience laughing]

I’m a co-dependent, what are you, Leon?

Well Stuart, as you know, I’m a gratefully recovering alcoholic,

and well, look at how well I’m doing.

I mean, six months ago, I was hitting rock bottom,

and just last week my little show in Canada got picked up by Last Time cable network

and is gonna be seen in the United States

by over 10 million viewers.

[audience laughing]

Ten million viewers?

That’s right, Stuart, and I owe most of my success to you.

Thank you.

I’m very, very happy for you.

Now, I’m really am very, very happy...

No, I’m not.

I am so jealous...

And that is sick and self-destructive,

but that’s... okay.

[audience laughing]

No it isn’t, it’s not okay.

- Stuart, it’s okay. - No, it’s not okay.

I’m a bad person, I’m a very bad person,

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Your show’s better than mine.

Stuart, that’s comparing and despairing

and that’s a Leon no-no.

No, your show’s better. It’s a better show,

and they’re gonna cancel mine,

and I’m going to die homeless and penniless,

and I’m 20 pounds overweight.

Stuart, that’s just thinking rearing its ugly head.

- You’re right. - Come on, Stuart.

I think you need a check-up from the neck up.

You’re right.

Let’s have a hug.

[audience laughing]

You know what, I think I know what today’s show is on,

it’s on forgiveness, because I forgive myself

for harboring a resentment against my cousin.

And I forgive you, Stuart, for being so jealous.

And I forgive Leon for stealing my show.

Okay I’m sorry.

Okay, this has not been my best show,

but that’s... okay,

because this is Stuart Smalley saying...

I’m smart enough,

I’m good enough, and doggone it, people like me.

[Announcer:] This has been today’s Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

[audience cheering]

Yeah, I know, I know. That’s exactly what I’m thinking.

Hey, Benny?

Hey, Jack.

Jack’s here.

Who are you talking to?

I’m talking to Brian.

Say hello.

Jack says hello.

Brian says hi.

So anyways--

Tell him thanks for the birthday card.

Jack says thanks for the birthday card.

He says he hopes you had a happy birthday.

So anyways--

Tell him I had a real happy birthday.

Okay, he...

He said he had a really happy birthday.

So are you bringing Trisha to meet your parents this weekend?

Oh, tell him I saw a lady at a mall that look just like his mother.

I know, Jack.

Is Trisha nervous?

Come on, come on, tell him now.

Jack says he saw a lady at a mall that look exactly like your mother.

What were you doing at the mall, Jack?

[audience laughing]

Tell him I bought the new James Taylor CD.

He said he bought the new James Taylor CD.

Is it good?

[audience laughing]

Tell him it is unbelievable.

He says it’s unbelievable.

Tell him it sounds so much like his old stuff. It’s gonna be a classic.

Hang on, hang on, why don’t you tell him?

No, no, you talk, you talk.

It’s all right, I don’t need to talk.

Anyways, I took Betsy to see my parents.

It was just, it was.

Oh, tell Brian the funniest thing happened to me at the gas station yesterday.

Jack, the phone, here.

- You talk to him. - No, it’s all right.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, it’s dumb.

Anyway, Betsy and I went out to meet my parents,

it was the worst.

Oh no, you got to be kidding me?

You’re not doing that.

Are you kidding me?

That’s insane.

Tell him Vicky doesn’t even know my parents.

Jack, you tell him Vicky doesn’t know your parents.

- No, no. - No Jack, I insist.

You talk to him.

I don’t know how to use a phone.

[audience laughing]

[Narrator:] Phone illiteracy is America’s hidden tragedy.

One out of every 75 adults can’t use the common telephone.

Take the time to care.

For free information, call or have your friend call

1-8000-PHONEYES.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Live from Marcy Projects, it’s I’m Chillin’.

[music]

Yo, yo, yo, whazzup?

Welcome to I’m Chillin’.

The showzy, showzy, showzy

with the housey, housey, houseys.

Now I’m your host, Onski, to the highest degree,

to the T-O-P, yo it’s all about me.

And sitting by my side is my main man, my ace in the hole,

my New Jersey toe, my Ester roll, my 10-foot pole,

my Billy Joel, my Nat King Cole, my Dead Sea Scroll, my Dr. Show,

my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my Kid Creole,

my la ka scha fole!

[audience cheering]

It’s B-Fats. Yo, B, Tell ’em how you feel.

Yo, I just came from taxin a hoe,

now everything is mop and glow.

Yo, I hear that, man.

Now, before I start the shizzo, I say before I start the show,

I wanna say what’s up to our new sponsor

I want to say what’s up to our 168th street Spring Water.

That’s right, it’s the only spring water,

I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant.

Yo Onski I heard you think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.

Yo, Sinbad’s a genius, man, I used to think he was so fright

he did a joke he does about what part of the chicken

does the Chicken McNugget come from,

yo had me on the ground.

That’s damn funny, man.

Sinbad’s on the edge, man.

He’s talking about real life, man.

Yo, he’s funnier than Richard Pryor?

Chill man, I see all that now.

[audience laughing]

Yo, what’s about that time?

- Time to bust a rhyme? - Naw, B.

Time to suck a lime?

Naw, B, it’s time for the mother joke of the day.

That’s right: today’s mother joke was sent to use by Kelly B.

of the Gilmore Project, the only project with its own mall, right.

And it goes a little something like this:

Your mother’s so stupid that she tripped on a cordless phone.

[audience laughing]

Yo Don Pardo, tell her what she win?

[Announcer:] You win child support.

That’s right, three weeks of child support.

Yo Don, tell her what else she got win?

[Announcer:] You get a call from your baby’s father.

That’s right, we tracked him down.

You’ll hear his voice from the first time in a year.

You’ll hear him say things like:

’Yo what’s up? You get that check?’

Hear him show genuine concern about the child:

I still don’t think it’s mine.

Hear him try to rekindle that old romance:

Do you still have that big ass?

And if you don’t like that, you can get the ballsack.

Yo, yo, yo, Kelly, Kelly

you got that big ass check and you got that big ass.

Yo baby, I want to know one thing: how can I be down?

Now right now, we’re gonna watch a new video from Lady B called

"Yes, But I’m a Good Help".

[beeping]

Yo, yo, that’s my beepy, yo, yo.

We got to check that out next week because right now,

I’m gonna pick my baby’s mother.

It’s her birthday, we’re gonna have a special night.

We’re gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You know, drink some champagne,

go home and watch "Homie the Clown".

Yo, remember always wipe and stay out the pipe.

And if a sucker gets ill, tell him I’m Chillin’.

[music]

[audience applauding]

I want to thank you all. You are a great audience.

I want to thank Skid Row.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[music]