All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

Now, Mr. Hansell, as you may
have heard me tell
the previous group,

the case on which you may
serve as juror has been
highly publicized;

therefore both Mr. Smith’s
attorney, Mr. Black,

and the prosecuting attorney
will need you to ask you some
questions.

They need to determine if you
have any knowledge of this case

or bias which could
disqualify you as juror.

Now, you understand
you are under oath.

Yes, your honor.

Counselor?

Mr. Hansell, I’m Roy Black,
Mr. Smith’s attorney.

How you’re doing today?

- Fine.
- Good, good.

I’d like to begin by getting
a sense of your feelings

about the Kennedy family
as a whole.

Let me ask you:
what are you impressions

of my client’s grandfather,
Joseph P. Kennedy?

Oh, made his money
on bootlegging

and securities fraud,

- pro-Nazi during World War Two.
- All right, all right.

Had an affair
with Gloria Swanson...

Let’s talk about
President John F. Kennedy:

what do you know about him?

Oh, big womanizer; had that
affair with Marilyn Monroe...

Okay. What about Bobby Kennedy?

Oh, ran for president,
also slept with Marilyn.

[audience laughing]

Okay, what about
Senator Ted Kennedy?

Huge drunk.

[audience laughing]

Well, no further questions,
your honor.

Counselor, does the prosecution
have any questions?

No, we’re fine here.
We like him.

Defense counsel?

The defense moves to strike
this jury, your honor.

Very well Mr. Hensley,
you’re excused.

Ms. Patterson, you may have
a seat and may I remind you
that you are under oath.

Oh yes, your honor.

Miss Patterson,
how are you today?

- Oh, I’m fine thank you.
- Good, good.

Tell me, Miss Patterson, do you
have any general feelings

about the Kennedy family
as a whole?

Oh yes, I love that family.

You know, when I was growing up,
there were three pictures in our
front room:

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr,
John F. Kennedy,

- and Bobby Kennedy.
- I see.

They did so much
for black people, you know.

Yes.

What about Senator Ted Kennedy?

Oh, big old bulls head.

[audience laughing]

Red nose, puffy eyes, shaky old,
I don’t know, crashed off that
bridge...

All right, all right.
That’s enough.

You know, he was running
around buck-naked,

showing his behind
to all of them young girls.

He was just disgusting
he didn’t even know that.

Miss Patterson, that’s enough.

Counselor?

We’re okay here.

- Defense counselor?
- Move to strike, your honor.

Very well, you are excused.

Miss Holcomb,
you may have a seat,

and may I remind you that you
are under oath.

Miss Holcomb, I need to ask you
a few questions:

just want to find out a little
how you feel about my client’s
family?

The Kennedys, right?

Yes, right.

I don’t anything
about the Smiths.

Well no, it’s the Kennedys.

What can you tell me
about John Kennedy?

Well, he slept with Marilyn
Monroe and a lot of other women

besides his wife, but
she was the most famous.

Okay, what about Bobby Kennedy?

Well, he also slept
with Marilyn Monroe,

but I think she
like Jack better,

but then they had
to get rid of her,

but it wasn’t
because she found out

about the Judith Exner
and Sam Giancana connection.

My theory is that Peter Lawford
thought that Jack was spending

too much time with Marilyn and
not enough time watching

the missiles coming to Cuba.

- That’s okay, Miss Holcomb.
- Prosecution?

No problem here.

Defense counsel?

Your honor, how many of these
jurors am I allowed to strike?

Ten.

And how many have I used?

Seven.

Okay, we’ll take her.

Yeah!

[audience laughing]

Thank you. Would you please
check with the bailiff?

Thank you.

Mr. Stroebel, you may have
a seat and may I remind you that
you are under oath.

[audience laughing]

Right.

Counselor?

Mr. Stroebel, you are
a house painter, correct?

Well, mainly I scrape,
the other guys paint,

and when I do paint,
it’s usually the base coats.

- So mainly a scraper.
- That’s really not important.

[audience laughing]

Tell me, Mr. Stroebel,

what are your impressions
of John F. Kennedy?

I know he did something.

[audience laughing]

There’s a school, right?

Junior high... John F. Kennedy
Junior High, right?

[audience laughing]

All right, what
about Bobby Kennedy?

It doesn’t ring a bell.

[audience laughing]

What about Senator Ted Kennedy?

He’s a good guy.

[audience laughing]

One time when I was hitchhiking,
he came by and pick me up

and we went down that place, you
know, Eddie’s One More Time.

We are trading shots,
he’s a great guy.

- Is he here?
- No, no.

[audience applauding]

All right, no more questions?

Counsel?

Well, we’ll let
him have this one.

Defense counsel?

Are you kidding?
This one’s a keeper.

[audience applauding]

- You mean I’m in the jury?
- Yes.

Awesome.

One more thing: Live from New
York, it’s Saturday Night!

[music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live

with Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney.

With Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadows,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring Al Franklin,

GE Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical guest Skid Row,

and starring Kiefer Sutherland.

[audience cheering]

Hey Phyllis, I thought
you quit smoking?

You’re gonna be my inspiration.

Not anymore.

Now I can smoke
as much as I like,

now that I got the Lung Brush.

Lung Brush?

That’s right, Lung Brush,
created by a small inventor

in California, who
himself enjoy smoking.

Lung Brush is the easy,
inexpensive alternative

to quitting or cutting down.

Here’s how it works: taking
hold of the easy grip handle,

slide the gentle bristle
device past the trachea,

back down the windpipe
and into the lung itself.

The unique Lung Brush design
allows you to remove caked-on
tar,

smoke particles,
even city smog phlegm,

freeing up clogged bronchial
passages so vital for breathing
and smoking;

and Lung Brush’s sturdy design
makes cleaning and maintenance
a snap.

One Lung Brush may be the only
Lung Brush you’ll ever need.

Here’s football
great, Kenny Stabler.

I threw my light
and low-tar cigarettes away;

now back to my
favorite brand again.

Thanks, Lung Brush.

Time to bed, dear.

[coughs]

Don’t forget to brush.

Lung Brush, that is.

So get into
the Lung Brush habit today,

and smoke to your
heart’s content.

Lung Brush is available
wherever quality tobacco
products are sold.

Only $14.95 from Life Tool.

[music]

[Announcer:]
Campaign ’92: the race to avoid
being the guy to loses to Bush.

Good evening, I’m Fay Sullivan
of the League of Women Voters.

Welcome to this, the first
of the series of debates

among the five leading Democrats
who are trying to avoid being
forced by their party

into a hopeless race
against President George Bush.

Most of them have already
announced that they’re not
interested in the nomination,

but each, of course, is under
enormous pressure

to be the chump
who will take on the futile task

of running against this very,
very popular incumbent.

They are Senator Bill
Bradley of New Jersey.

[audience laughing]

I am not a candidate
for president in 1992.

House majority leader Dick
Gephardt of Missouri.

I do not seek
my party’s nomination.

Senator Lloyd Benson of Texas.

I do not wish to be my party’s
nominee in the next election.

Here for her husband, Senator Al
Gore of Tennessee, Tipper Gore.

He’s not interested.

[audience laughing]

And Governor Mario
Cuomo of New York.

[audience applauding]

No way.

[audience laughing]

Governor Cuomo,
let’s begin with you.

In a way, one might say there’s
no reason for any of you

to be forced into this race.

After all, there are already
several announced candidates

for the Democratic nomination:
Senator Kerry, Senator Harkin,

former Governor
Brown, and so on.

Why is your party begging you or
any of you to enter the race?

Fay, I don’t know, but I’ll tell
you something:

if the Democratic Party would
have made me its candidate
in 1992,

it would go down
to its worst defeat in history.

Oh come on, Mario; you’re
probably the best candidate
we’ve got.

Cuomo! Cuomo! Cuomo!

Please, please, Bill.

I resent the implication,
that I’m the strongest candidate
here.

Let’s be frank; you’re far
better known than any of us,

or have you forgotten your
brilliant play

as you led the New York Knicks
to victory in the 1973 NBA
Finals?

[audience cheering]

Bradley! Bradley! Bradley!

Bradley!

Bill, you could show me polls
that have me losing to Bush

by seven points, and I can show
you polls that have me losing
to Bush by 40 points.

That’s not the issue;
the issue is my record.

After eight years of my
mismanagement as governor,

the economy of New York
state is in the shambles.

Now I don’t think anyone here
can point to a record like that.

- Now wait a minute.
- Congressman Gephardt?

Gephardt! Gephardt! Gephardt!
Gephardt!

Hold on.

If you want to talk
about shambles,

let’s talk about the U.S. House
of Representatives

of which I’m
the majority leader.

You know, the real enemy facing
this country isn’t the Soviets,

it isn’t the Japanese;
it’s people like me,

[audience laughing]

and the American people know it.

The fact is I couldn’t
beat David Duke in Harlem.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

What his party needs
is someone with the vision,

integrity and the guts
of an Al Gore.

Gore! Gore! Gore! Gore!

That is unfair.

My husband isn’t here tonight to
answer to that kind of smear.

Then I have to ask you if your
husband doesn’t think he should
be this party’s nominee,

why didn’t he bother to show up
here tonight?

My husband is with our kids
at a gay porno theater.

Oh, come on, come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen please.

Senator Benson, we haven’t
heard from you yet.

Benson! Benson! Benson!

Please, please.

Senator, tell us why Lloyd
Benson should not be president?

Oh Fay, there’s so many reason,
but ultimately it comes down to
one thing:

this election is about ideas,
and that fact is I have none.

Nothing covers empty.
Nada, no one.

You know, I remind myself of
that commercial "Where’s
the beef?"

And that’s a problem with Lloyd
Benson; where is the beef?

May I?

Senator Bradley?

What about me?

If Lloyd wants to talk
about lack of substance,

I say what about me?

I’m an ex-jock, end of story.

The fact is Lloyd is one of
the finest minds in the Senate;

in fact, he reminds many of us
of another great Democrat,

John F. Kennedy.

Senator Bradley,
I’m no Jack Kennedy.

I worked with Jack Kennedy,
I am no Jack Kennedy.

[audience applauding]

Senator, that was uncalled for.

The fact is where most people
hear the name Lloyd Benson,

they don’t think
of Jack Kennedy;

they think of two other fellas:
Michael Dukakis

and Willy Horton.

Come on!

Lloyd, that is shameless.

Senator Benson,
I resent to suggest

that you are somehow more
the candidate than Willy Horton
and I or anyone else here.

The fact is, as
governor of New York,

I have pardoned criminals
far worse than Willy Horton,

including key figures in
organized crime who happens
to be close friends of mine.

I’m talking about the mob.

Well, gentlemen, Mrs. Gore,

we’ve reached the end
of our allotted time.

Each of you is now allowed
to brief closing statement.

Let’s begin with Tipper Gore.

Thank you, Fay.

I’m a mother of three
children, and like any mother,

I want the best possible
future for my kids.

When I think of a future
with my husband as president,

frankly I’m scared.

Thank you.

Congressman Gephardt?

There’s a feeling
abroad and in this land;

you sense it from the textile
workers in South Carolina,

from machinists in Detroit,
from ranchers in Wyoming:

the feeling that Dick Gephardt
represents everything that’s
wrong with this country.

You don’t want me as your
president, and neither do I.

I want to remain in Congress;

after all, that’s where
the money is; your money.

Thank you.

[audience applauding]

Senator Bradley?

Well, there are people that will
tell you that I can beat
George Bush.

Why? Because I’m
a sports celebrity;

but I think you, the American
people, are smarter than that.

You want a leader that can
defend against terrorism,

not jump shots; who can
make a foreign policy,

not inbounds pass; a leader
who can run an economy,

not a three-man weave.

If America ever needs a man in
low post, perhaps I’m the guy;

but when it comes to our
nation’s highest post,

I just don’t cut it. Thank you.

And now, Senator Benson.

I’m old, I’m only
gonna be getting older.

[audience laughing]

Older and more confused; hell I
can’t tell you all the names

of the people that are
standing right here.

[audience laughing]

One thing I can tell you is that
George Bush have beat the living
bejesus out of it.

He’s done it before, just ask
a couple of friends of mine:

Michael Dukakis
and Willy Horton.

And finally, Governor Cuomo.

Thank you, Fay.

Tonight, we’ve read a lot
about images of perception,

about that polls shows what
candidate losing by the least to
whom at any given time.

Now I could stand here and talk
about the inaccuracy of polling

on a subjective nature
of the process, but that’s not
the real issue here.

The real issue is very simple,
I have my mob ties.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Well, that brings to a close
of first of our series

of Democratic presidential
debates.

Thank you all of you for your
participation here tonight.

And I’d also like to take
this opportunity

to remind our viewers at home
that democracy works only
when you vote.

When you don’t take the time to
vote for the candidate you find
least defensive,

you run the risk of electing
the candidate you find the most
offensive.

Thank you and good night.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
This has been Campaign ’92:
the race to avoid being the guy

who loses to Bush.

[audience applauding]

[Announcer:]
Welcome to Whose Ass
Should I Kiss?

With your host, Dale Robin.

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome.

As always on
Whose Ass Should I Kiss,

two contestants from the same
company will go head to head

and figure out which one of
these three persons is in fact

a very important executive
in their firm,

and how in turn could
really help their career.

The other two are impostors.

Let’s watch our contestants try
to climb the corporate ladder

by asking themselves,
Whose Ass Should I Kiss?

But first, let’s
meet our contestants,

Jeffrey Hanson and Larry Turner.

[audience cheering]

Jeffrey and Larry are both
low-level grunts

who make cold calls for
the investment firm
of Shears and Lehmann.

I just want to say, Dale, before
we start that this is by far

the greatest game show
on television to date,

and you’re my favorite
game show host.

Yes, I agree: this show’s
important to me.

It’s always been there to give
me a lift when I needed it.

Dale, I’ve been a fan of
yours since back in the ’70s,

back on Devil’s Deal, the way
you made everybody feel so
welcome.

Yes, I agree. This show
is like a family to me.

Okay, okay, I think you
guys are ready to play.

This should be quite a contest,
but you’d better focus your ass
kissing

in that direction.

- Touché.
- I hear you, amigo.

All right Jeffrey,
let’s begin with you.

Executive number one,
we work in the same building.

Which building is that?

And by the way, that’s
a very nice suit you have on.

Is it an Armani?

We work in the World Trade
Center, and yes thank you,

it is Armani.

Yes, I agree,
it’s a wonderful suit.

Excellent choice.

Larry, Larry,
it’s not your turn.

Well said.

Okay, Jeffrey,
you have five points.

Nice job.

Yes, I agree. Nice job, Jeff.

Larry, that’s minus five points
for ass kissing your opponent.

[audience laughing]

- I deserve it.
- All right.

- Jeff, please continue.
- It’ll be my pleasure.

Executive number two,
not everybody has the drive

to succeed that you
so obviously have.

Could you give some advice
to those of us who
are not as gifted?

Well, thank you very much
I’d say if you want to succeed,

you work hard, play hard,
and keep your mouth shut.

Jeffrey, another five points.
Excellent ass kissing.

You’re not so bad
yourself, Dale.

- Well, thank you.
- No, no, thank you.

All right Larry, it’s your turn.

Executive number two, I’m almost
inclined to think

that you’re way too young and
handsome to be an executive.

Surely, you must be
a movie star or something.

So you think I’m too
young to be an executive?
Is that what you’re saying?

- No, I--
- That’s another minus 5 points

for insulting
executive number two.

I would like to take
this time to formally apologize

to executive number two for even
suggesting that--

Larry, stop your ass kissing.
It’s not your turn.

Jeffrey, back to you.

Executive number three, forgive
me but I can’t help myself,

are you wearing
the perfume Shalimar?

Why, yes.

Doesn’t it take a special kind
of woman to carry that off?

You’re right.

Jeffrey, you’re on the roll.

[audience applauding]

Excellent work there, Jeffrey.

Larry, you’re falling
behind a little bit.

Executive number one, so many
less talented people surround
themselves with the yes men,

yet you’ve chosen people who
challenge you and raise
standards.

That’s what I thought.
That’s not a question,

that’s just
blatant brown-nosing.

Another minus five.

I’m not ashamed;
I’d do it again.

All right Jeffrey, your turn.

Executive number one, do you
find that your legendary sexual
prowess enhances your work,

or is it that your work
enhances your legendary
sexual prowess?

Well, I have to admit
I get my fair share.

All right.

Hey, hey, what’s this?

I have a dozen roses to be
delivered to executive number
three.

Oh, they’re prefect.

It was me that got them for you.
You think nothing of it,
it was the least I could do.

Oh Jeffrey, you’re
so thoughtful.

Twenty-five bonus points!

[audience cheering]

Yes, very thoughtful.

- What’s that, Larry?
- I didn’t say anything.

All right.

Jeffrey, still your turn.

Executive number two, you’re
very tan and your skin is so
youthful

while others around you
have given into stress from such
a demanding schedule.

How have you managed to
stop your ageing process?

Well, just good genes, I guess.

Very good. Larry, your turn.

Executive number one, you’re
obviously a very generous and
talented man.

What sexual favor
would you like?

[audience laughing]

I’m afraid we’ve run out of time
Larry, and you have no points.

I’m afraid you won’t be around
to play final ass kissing.

I just want to say it’s been
a great experience,

- one I’ll always treasure--
- Oh, shut up.

Don Pardo, tell Jeffrey
what he’ll be playing for?

[Announcer:]
Dale, may I say you handled
tonight’s show masterfully.

Jeffrey, you’ll be playing
for a $10,000 a year raise;

a lifetime membership to
the company’s exercise room
and spa;

and best of all, your own
name-stenciled parking space
in the company garage.

Back to you, Dale.

Okay, you’re the best Don Pardo.

[Announcer:]
No, you are.

It’s final ass-kissing
time, Jeff.

Who’s it going to be?

Dale, it’s a difficult choice.
They’re all so good.

Well, executive number two
is a very talented executive

who I’m sure who’s not gonna let
anything stop him from getting
to the top of the ladder.

And executive
number three, well,

she’s a very attractive woman
who has managed to succeed

in a viciously male-dominated
environment,

yet has retained all
of her femininity.

I’ve decided to kiss executive
number one’s ass because well,

I’ve seen him in the elevator
a couple of times.

All right,
congratulations, Jeffrey,

you’ve kissed butt correctly.

[audience cheering]

Bye everybody, see you tomorrow.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
Who’s Ass Should I Kiss
is an Arsenio Hall Production.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey.

We used to laugh at Grandpa
when he’d head off
and go fishing,

but we wouldn’t be laughing
that evening when he’d come
back

with some whore
he picked up in town.

[audience laughing]

[Announcer:]
Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

[music]

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Nealon Kevin
and I’m a recovering dyslexic.

[audience laughing]

Well, in Madrid the Mid-East
peace talks got off to a bad
start this week

when one of the delegates
refused to shell out the $4
for the head phones.

[audience laughing]

And another problem developed
when Palestinian delegates
complained

that the Israelis
were occupying their seats.

In response, the Israeli
delegates claimed

the seats had always
belonged to them.

A game of musical chairs will
be held to settle the dispute.

Well, President Bush is seen
here greeting a trick or treater

and then pointing him in the
direction of the house

that gives outs Sikorsky
attack helicopters.

[audience laughing]

Israel will not
accept lamp for peace,

but announced that they will
accept lamp for some really good
concert tickets.

President Bush’s Kennebunkport
neighbors complained to local
police this week

following an all-night partying
which George and Barbara trashed
their house.

This week, Louisiana
gubernatorial candidate
David Dukes said

the new poll results
show him to be in the lead
for the November 16 run-off.

To celebrate, his supporters
held a monster rally and
a fund-raiser in New Orleans.

[audience cheering]

Researchers have theorized that
young black men appear best
suited

for long-term space travel
because of the genetic trait

that gives them denser,
stronger bones.

It was later revealed that this
theory was merely a hoax

by white supremacists
to encourage black men
to leave the planet.

[audience laughing]

Well, JC at Memphis have
apologized for an exhibit

in their annual haunted
house titled Dead Elvis.

The exhibit featuring a room
decorated with a toilet,

empty pizza boxes, pill bottles,
and partly eaten jelly doughnuts

has been renamed the Palm
Beach Kennedy Compound.

[audience laughing]

And for Halloween, Ted Kennedy
wore pants and went
as a commoner.

[audience laughing]

Newly sworn-in Justice Clarence
Thomas signed an oath of office
yesterday at the court,

afterwards the nine justices
mingled and formally while
Thomas sized-up his colleagues.

[audience laughing]

Donald Trump’s mother was
mugged for $14 this week.

Police are looking
for this suspect.

[audience cheering]

Before departing to
the Philippines Thursday,

Imelda Marcos hobbled 30 feet
on her knees up an aisle in New
York St. Patrick Cathedral,

then knelt in the pew to pray.

Outside the cathedral,
she admitted to reporters

she now owns over 2,000
pairs of knee pads.

[audience laughing]

Well, two witnesses have turned
up whose testimony might finally

be able to put Mafia godfather
John Gotti behind bars.

Most of Gotti’s court cases
have ended in acquittal,

even beat a rap
on The People’s Court.

Remember Judge Wapner
one morning after waking up

and finding the head of
Doug Llewellyn in his bed.

[audience laughing]

According to a recent survey,
90 percent of Americans feel

television newscasters will
often quote from recent surveys;

the other 10 percent were wrong.

[audience laughing]

A 22,000-pound steel sculpture
entitled Hammering Man was
twisted and bent

when it fell atop a crane
that was hoisting it into

the Seattle Art Museum
this week.

The sculpture will now be
entitled Twisted and Bent

When It Fell Atop a Crane
That Was Hoisting a Man.

[audience laughing]

Well, more mysterious carved
patterns and symbols showed up
last week

in a Minnesota wheat field.

Experts theorized that these
markings are the work
of an alien sports fan.

[audience laughing]

Air traffic controllers
in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport

have reported hundreds of
near-miss incidences recently

when anti-collision alarms
on airliners malfunctioned.

In attempt to lessen
these incidents,

the FAA will require airliners
to shorten their wings.

[audience laughing]

An MIT study has concluded that
more people die in crashes of
planes with more passengers.

For instance, in a plane
carrying 220 people,

220 people will be killed,

as opposed to a plane carrying
15 people where only 15 people
would be killed.

[audience applauding]

A further study reveals your
best chance of survival

is to fly in an empty plane.

[audience laughing]

Mother Nature has filed
harassment charges against
Father Time this week.

She claims every
three months or so,

he leaps on top of her
while she’s changing seasons.

That can happen.

Twenty-seven people were injured
this week after they were told
to spring ahead and fall back.

[audience laughing]

Monoxidil, the hair-growing drug
sold under the name Rogaine

is now being used
as a Mace substitute:

you spray in the face
of the attacker,

his eyebrows grow over his eyes
obstructing his vision.

[audience laughing]

Unfortunately, the FDA claims
it must be used on the attacker
religiously,

twice a day for 6 months before
there’s any noticeable results.

The restaurant Planet Hollywood
has been open in New York

by co-owners Bruce Willis,
Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and Sylvester Stallone.

Appropriately, the kitchen will
be specialized in mussels, ham,

and large, slow-speaking
Italian vegetables.

[audience applauding]

Well, I decided to read
Katharine Hepburn’s number one
best-seller, "Me" this week.

Unfortunately, it’s horrible;
the woman knows nothing
about me.

Totally awful, nice try.

[audience laughing]

According to a recent survey,
70 percent of this pie chart is
yellow

while the remaining
30 percent is blue.

[audience laughing]

On a bright note, the 49,000
stolen video cassette copies

of Walt Disney’s Fantasia were
recovered yesterday in Memphis.

A Detroit-based distributor
was happy to have them back,

but said 15,000 of those
tapes were not re-wound.

[audience laughing]

Because of the success of
Geraldo Rivera’s first book

listing all the women
he had slept with,

he says he will write another;
this time, he says he will list

all the women he has thought
about while masturbating.

[audience laughing]

In an upcoming
Vanity Fair issue,

Better Midler says Geraldo
drugged and molested her.

Mr. Rivera called
the charged preposterous,
true but preposterous.

After all the recent negative
criticism Dr. Kevorkian’s
infamous suicide machine

killed itself this week.

In addition, the suicide
manual "Final Exit"

jumped off the bookshelf
and plunged to its death.

Stamford University, hospital
surgeons last week removed

a 303-pound cyst from
a 34-year-old woman.

The woman is doing fine
and went home yesterday.

The cyst is recovering and will
go home sometime next week.

[audience laughing]

This ad for Calvin Klein jeans
has drawn much critical response

from media watchers, consumer
groups, and concerned citizens.

After reading all the mail, I
promise I’ll never pose
for another one.

[audience laughing]

I’m Kevin Nealon and
that’s news to me.

[music and cheers]

Welcome to All Things Scottish.

Our slogan is if it’s
not Scottish, it’s crap!

[audience laughing]

Can I help you?

Yeah, I like a poster of the guy
who played Scottie on Star Trek.
Do you got that?

- Oh aye, James Doohan.
- Yeah.

All right, yeah.
That will be $7.22 please.

Here you go.

Well, the machine doesn’t work.

I’ll have to pay it back
later if you don’t mind.

Okay, sure.

- Sorry about that.
- Okay, bye bye.

Rodney! Rodney, get out here
and bring some more
Scottie poster with you.

Master, won’t you chill, man.

Oh, I’ll chill you
in a second, sonny Jim.

Sort out them shortbreads,
would ya?

- Alright. But say Rodney.
- What’s up, man?

I have a question for you:

are you wearing underwear
under that kilt?

What yeah, of course
I’m wearing underwear.

No, no, no, you shouldn’t wear
underwear under that kilt.

A real man doesn’t
wear any truss.

Well, a real man
doesn’t wear a skirt.

[audience laughing]

Very clever,

but I don’t know why you’d say
something like that,

knowing that I might come after
you with butchering tools!

You’re lucky.

Welcome to All Things Scottish;
if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

A friend of mine’s Scottish
and he’s getting married

so I got to buy a kilt.

Well, you come to
the right store.

Now, the kilts you have are 100
percent Scotch kilts, right?

Well, actually
that’s Scots kilts.

Scotch is a drink,
Scots are a people,

but we’re both quite tasty.

[audience laughing]

All right, now in Scotland,
do man wear kilts all the time?

Oh, it’s a very manly garb.

Yeah, but I like it too.

[audience laughing]

Come again?

You know what I’m talking about,
hearts, moons, stars, clovers.

[audience laughing]

Oh aye, except what you’re
talking about is Irish,

and I’m in fact Scottish.

Now GET OUT!

Get out, Mr. No-Can-Tell-The-
Difference-Between-Scotland-And
-Ireland!

GET OUT!

I’ll be in the back.

Hi, welcome to
All Things Scottish.

If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Does Mr. Stewart Rankin
work here?

Yeah, he’s in the back.
Who should I say is here?

Tell him it’s his brother
Ronnie from Glasgow.

Stewart, your brother’s here.

What is you wantin’?

I came to say sorry.

Oh aye, you’re sorry
after all these years.

Are you gonna accept
my apologies, Stewart?

Now why should I accept
the apology of a crazy bastard
like you, you cheap?

Be like that but you’ll remember
this crazy little bastard’s
the only brother you got.

Now that’s not fair.

- I love you.
- I love you!

- I love you, you bastard.
- I love you too.

Come on, let’s have a drink.

Come again?

Let’s break a bottle of whisky
and let’s have a drink.

- That’s it! I’ll kill you.
- Come on, Stewart.

Come on man, he’s your brother.
He just wants to have a drink.

Mind your own business, Rodney.

You don’t know the whole story.

Have a look at this.

Oh man, that’s a nasty scar.
Did he cut you?

No, it’s surgery scar.

I gave him one of my kidneys.

And?

And he drinks like a fish.

He’s always steaming drunk.

He’s gonna ruin my kidney.

It’s my kidney now,
you bastard.

[audience laughing]

What if I take it back?

I would smash a brick in your
face, you brummy little
braggart.

Rodney, Rodney get
my butchering tools.

I’m gonna debone
him like a shank.

I hope you got a thirsty
mop, laddie, because this is
gonna be a bloodbath.

You’re a dead man.

That’s not a nice way to
speak to your only brother.

That’s not fair.

- I love you!
- I love you!

- I love you so much it hurts.
- That’s hurts.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I love you. That’s all,
just like in the movie Ghost.

Perhaps we can have a wee taste
of Scotch that’s not gonna hurt
our kidneys too much.

All right Ronnie,
let’s go there.

We got a lovely, lovely, lovely.

Give it a wee bit more Scotch
than that,

we get wee English measures
here, laddie.

That’s it, that kidney is mine.

It’s not yer, it’s my kidney and
I’ve been looking after it just
fine. Thank you.

Do you think I’m stupid?

I bet by now my kidney’s so
abused it’s starting to look
like Sputnik.

Spherical but quite
pointy-end perhaps.

Shut your gob,
you wee little girl.

That’s it, one incision
in the small of your back

and away we go, Mr. Kidney.

I’ll kick you so hard
in the groonies, you’ll be
peeing out your mouth.

[audience laughing]

Well, at least
I’ve got groonies.

Well, at least
I’ve got a brother.

Not fair, I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I love you, but hold on.
Hold on.

Welcome to All Things Scottish;
if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap!

Can I help you?

Do you have family tartans?

Aye we do, hen.

And what’s your family’s name?

Grotowski.

[audience laughing]

Grotowski?

Oh, the Grotowski tartan,

from the Voyeur Hojets clan
of tartans, I suppose.

NOW GET OUT!

Get out, Mrs. No-Can-Understand-
-Her-Own-Ethnic-Background!

GET OUT!

- I love you!
- I love you!

Give us a kiss.

[audience cheering]

Okay now, you can read your book
and listen to your new tape.

I’d rather listen to my tape.

All right, but lights
out in ten minutes.

- Okay, good night, mom.
- Good night, honey.

[sound of electric guitar]

Are you ready for bed?

Yeah.

Are you ready
for nighty night?

* Now let’s rock and roll! *

* Old MacDonald had a farm,
hee hi hee hi ho *

* And on his farm
he had a duck, *

hee hi hee hi ho. *

[Narrator:]
Yeah, it’s Kiddie Metal
from Guns N’ Roses.

You’re get 20 head banging,
bone-crunching tunes that

children love to sing.

* There’s an old lady who
swallowed a fly *

* I don’t know
why she swallowed that fly *

* Perhaps she’ll die *

[Narrator:]
And rainy days are just
plain fun

as Axl and Slash
tear through this old favorite.

* There was as farmer
who had a dog *

* And Bingo was his name oh, *

* B-I-N-G-O
and Bingo was his name oh. *

* Jimmy crack corn
and I don’t care *

* Jimmy crack corn
and I don’t care *

* Jimmy crack corn *

* and I don’t care! *

[Narrator:]
Act now and you’ll also receive
this classic collection

of Slash performing
Mother Goose.

How you’re doing?
This is Humpty Dumpty.

[plays guitar]

And this is Little Miss Muffet.

[plays guitar]

[Narrator:]
And many more.

Plus this never before released
recording of Axl Rose

and Skid Row’s Sebastian Bach

and Rachel Bolan
in Dueling ABC’s.

* A-B-C-D-E-F-G *

* and H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P *

* Q-R-S-T-U-V W-X-Y-Z *

* Now I know my ABC *

* Now I want you *

* I said show me what you say *

* Tell me what you say *

* Tell me what you say! *

[Narrator:]
Kiddie Metal, now available at
Record World and Holly Hobbitt.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
And now, Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handy.

[Male voice:]
I wish a robot would
get elected president.

That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him

and not feel too bad.

[Male voice:]
I deserve good things.

I am entitled to my
share of happiness.

I refuse to beat myself up.

I am an attractive person.

I am fun to be with.

[Announcer:]
Daily Affirmations
with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is
a caring nurturer,

a member of several
12-step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do
a great show today,

and I’m going to help people
because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley.

First of all,
I want to thank everyone

for the positive letters I got
last month, for the last month’s
show,

the show I did last month,
"Compare and Despair",

because when you compare
yourself to other people,

you invite your critical inner
voice to just go hog-wild

and you are in despair.

You end up in despair;
"Compare and despair",

a show I did... last month.

Okay, today I have a guest.

You know, usually I do not
have guest, and that’s... okay.

[audience laughing]

But today I have a very
special guest, it’s my cousin,

Leon Smalley.

And Leon, Leon has his own
recovery show in Canada,

which went on the
air after mine,

and what’s the name
of your show, Leon?

Well, it’s called Today’s
Meditation with Leon Smalley,

and I just want to say, Stuart,
how grateful I am to you

because you’ve really been
an inspiration to me.

I know... I mean, thank you.

We’re gonna show now a little
clip from Leon’s show

Today’s Meditations so we’re
gonna show that right now.

That’s a surprise, Stuart.

Well, I get tapes sent
to me of your show in Canada,

and they’re very interesting.

For example, here’s a show
that Leon did just last week.

I’m gonna do a great show today,
and I’m gonna give myself

because I’m joyful, I’m happy,
and gosh darn it, I’m free.

Hello, I’m Leon Smalley.

Today we’re gonna talk about
another one of those insidious
things

that we do to ourselves,
it’s called comparing.

It’s a Leon no-no, and
I call it compare and despair.

[audience laughing]

Gee, compare and despair.

When did I last hear that?

Maybe a month ago
when I did a show on it.

Where did you last
hear it, Leon?

Well Stuart, as you know,
"Compare and despair"

is a very common 12-step saying,

and I figure that the more
people get the message,

the more
people will help.

Where did you get
the three-thing into the mirror:

"I’m joyful, I’m happy, and
gosh darn it, I’m free"?

I mean, why not:
"I’m creative, I’m original,

I made this up myself"?

[audience laughing]

Stuart, I’m sensing
a resentment.

Me, harboring a resentment?

No, no. If I had a resentment,
I would say something

because carrying around
resentments is like carrying
baggage you...

- ...really ought to check.
- ...really ought to check.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Well, since Leon
and I are cousins,

I thought we should do
today’s show on family,

and in the Smalley family,
we’re all either alcoholics

or co-dependents.

[audience laughing]

I’m a co-dependent,
what are you, Leon?

Well Stuart, as you know,
I’m a gratefully
recovering alcoholic,

and well, look at how well
I’m doing.

I mean, six months ago,
I was hitting rock bottom,

and just last week my little
show in Canada got picked up
by Last Time cable network

and is gonna be seen
in the United States

by over 10 million viewers.

[audience laughing]

Ten million viewers?

That’s right, Stuart, and
I owe most of my success to you.

Thank you.

I’m very, very happy for you.

Now, I’m really am very,
very happy...

No, I’m not.

I am so jealous...

And that is
sick and self-destructive,

but that’s... okay.

[audience laughing]

No it isn’t, it’s not okay.

- Stuart, it’s okay.
- No, it’s not okay.

I’m a bad person,
I’m a very bad person,

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Your show’s better than mine.

Stuart, that’s comparing
and despairing

and that’s a Leon no-no.

No, your show’s better.
It’s a better show,

and they’re gonna cancel mine,

and I’m going to die homeless
and penniless,

and I’m 20 pounds overweight.

Stuart, that’s just thinking
rearing its ugly head.

- You’re right.
- Come on, Stuart.

I think you need
a check-up from the neck up.

You’re right.

Let’s have a hug.

[audience laughing]

You know what, I think I know
what today’s show is on,

it’s on forgiveness,
because I forgive myself

for harboring a resentment
against my cousin.

And I forgive you, Stuart,
for being so jealous.

And I forgive Leon
for stealing my show.

Okay I’m sorry.

Okay, this has not been
my best show,

but that’s... okay,

because this is Stuart Smalley
saying...

I’m smart enough,

I’m good enough,
and doggone it, people like me.

[Announcer:]
This has been today’s
Daily Affirmation

with Stuart Smalley.

[audience cheering]

Yeah, I know, I know. That’s
exactly what I’m thinking.

Hey, Benny?

Hey, Jack.

Jack’s here.

Who are you talking to?

I’m talking to Brian.

Say hello.

Jack says hello.

Brian says hi.

So anyways--

Tell him thanks
for the birthday card.

Jack says thanks for
the birthday card.

He says he hopes
you had a happy birthday.

So anyways--

Tell him
I had a real happy birthday.

Okay, he...

He said he had
a really happy birthday.

So are you bringing Trisha to
meet your parents this weekend?

Oh, tell him I saw a lady
at a mall that look just like
his mother.

I know, Jack.

Is Trisha nervous?

Come on, come on, tell him now.

Jack says he saw a lady at
a mall that look exactly like
your mother.

What were you doing
at the mall, Jack?

[audience laughing]

Tell him I bought
the new James Taylor CD.

He said he bought
the new James Taylor CD.

Is it good?

[audience laughing]

Tell him it is unbelievable.

He says it’s unbelievable.

Tell him it sounds so
much like his old stuff.
It’s gonna be a classic.

Hang on, hang on, why
don’t you tell him?

No, no, you talk, you talk.

It’s all right,
I don’t need to talk.

Anyways, I took Betsy
to see my parents.

It was just, it was.

Oh, tell Brian the funniest
thing happened to me
at the gas station yesterday.

Jack, the phone, here.

- You talk to him.
- No, it’s all right.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, it’s dumb.

Anyway, Betsy and I went out
to meet my parents,

it was the worst.

Oh no, you got to be kidding me?

You’re not doing that.

Are you kidding me?

That’s insane.

Tell him Vicky doesn’t
even know my parents.

Jack, you tell him Vicky
doesn’t know your parents.

- No, no.
- No Jack, I insist.

You talk to him.

I don’t know how to use a phone.

[audience laughing]

[Narrator:]
Phone illiteracy
is America’s hidden tragedy.

One out of every 75 adults
can’t use the common telephone.

Take the time to care.

For free information,
call or have your friend call

1-8000-PHONEYES.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
Live from Marcy Projects,
it’s I’m Chillin’.

[music]

Yo, yo, yo, whazzup?

Welcome to I’m Chillin’.

The showzy, showzy, showzy

with the housey, housey,
houseys.

Now I’m your host, Onski,
to the highest degree,

to the T-O-P, yo
it’s all about me.

And sitting by my side is my
main man, my ace in the hole,

my New Jersey toe, my Ester
roll, my 10-foot pole,

my Billy Joel, my Nat King Cole,
my Dead Sea Scroll, my Dr. Show,

my helmet cole, my grassy knoll,
my Kid Creole,

my la ka scha fole!

[audience cheering]

It’s B-Fats. Yo, B,
Tell ’em how you feel.

Yo, I just came
from taxin a hoe,

now everything is
mop and glow.

Yo, I hear that, man.

Now, before I start the shizzo,
I say before I start the show,

I wanna say what’s up
to our new sponsor

I want to say what’s up
to our 168th street
Spring Water.

That’s right,
it’s the only spring water,

I say the only spring water
that comes directly
from a fire hydrant.

Yo Onski I heard you think
Sinbad is all that
and a bag of chips.

Yo, Sinbad’s a genius, man, I
used to think he was so fright

he did a joke he does about
what part of the chicken

does the Chicken McNugget
come from,

yo had me on the ground.

That’s damn funny, man.

Sinbad’s on the edge, man.

He’s talking
about real life, man.

Yo, he’s funnier
than Richard Pryor?

Chill man, I see all that now.

[audience laughing]

Yo, what’s about that time?

- Time to bust a rhyme?
- Naw, B.

Time to suck a lime?

Naw, B, it’s time for
the mother joke of the day.

That’s right: today’s mother
joke was sent to use by Kelly B.

of the Gilmore Project,
the only project
with its own mall, right.

And it goes a little something
like this:

Your mother’s so stupid that
she tripped on a cordless phone.

[audience laughing]

Yo Don Pardo,
tell her what she win?

[Announcer:]
You win child support.

That’s right,
three weeks of child support.

Yo Don, tell her what
else she got win?

[Announcer:]
You get a call from
your baby’s father.

That’s right,
we tracked him down.

You’ll hear his voice from
the first time in a year.

You’ll hear him say things
like:

’Yo what’s up?
You get that check?’

Hear him show genuine concern
about the child:

I still don’t think it’s mine.

Hear him try to rekindle
that old romance:

Do you still have that big ass?

And if you don’t like that,
you can get the ballsack.

Yo, yo, yo, Kelly, Kelly

you got that big ass check
and you got that big ass.

Yo baby, I want to know one
thing: how can I be down?

Now right now, we’re gonna watch
a new video from Lady B called

"Yes, But I’m a Good Help".

[beeping]

Yo, yo, that’s my beepy, yo, yo.

We got to check that out
next week because right now,

I’m gonna pick my baby’s mother.

It’s her birthday, we’re
gonna have a special night.

We’re gonna have a little
candlelight dinner down
at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You know, drink some champagne,

go home and watch
"Homie the Clown".

Yo, remember always wipe
and stay out the pipe.

And if a sucker gets ill,
tell him I’m Chillin’.

[music]

[audience applauding]

I want to thank you all.
You are a great audience.

I want to thank Skid Row.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

[music]