Original subtitles

[music]

Issue one, the mid-east peace conference trick or treat?

Will the Israelis cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation

have them spooked? Pat Buchanan.

Well, I think Israel is justifiably...

Wrong, goes to Fred Bonds.

- I don’t think a withdrawal... - Wrong, Morton...

Well, the Palestinians are probably...

Not scary enough, Jackal London Jamon.

John, I’d really prefer...

Wrong.

The correct answer is the Mid East peace talks will be a ghoulishly successful.

A little girl was gathering woods in the forest

for her stepmother when suddenly, a storm began to brew.

The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion.

Who was lurking in the cobwebs, I ask you, Morton.

A grave robber.

Wrong! [Gibberish]

I don’t know, big bad wolf?

Wrong. You’re getting cold, not warm. Pat Buchanan.

[audience laughing]

Where you scared, Pat?

Of course, I’m not.

Wrong, you wish you were never born.

Next issue, close your eyes, issue three,

is it cold spaghetti or a human brain, Jack Jamon?

I’m not going to play...

Wrong.

Pat Buchanan? Guess if you dare.

Come on, Morton, I know you’ll try.

Well, I’m going to have to say it feels like spaghetti.

Wrong, the correct answer is...

Next issue.

[audience laughing]

The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave.

Agree or disagree, Pat Buchanan.

John, can we please just...

Wrong, Freddy Krueger.

Well, it’s Fred burns...

Wrong!

* Jack Jamon Jack Jamon *

You know, I really have no opinion...

Maybe this will help you.

How about you, More Tony Baloney?

Well, Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years.

So, if there were a living corpse,

I would think the democrats would have no interests in...

John?

Why are you letting me speak so long?

John?

John?

[sinister laughs]

[audience cheering]

Sorry, the teasing was starting to get to me and I had to take action.

Issue, a unified Europe, good for them, how about us?

Bone or Bane?

Freddie bonds and noble.

Well, I think we depend far too much...

Wrong. Patty cake, patty cake, bakers Buchanan.

Europe ought to be concerned that we, you know...

Wrong, Mortony Bennett, lest Tony Martin.

Well, I would have to say...

Wrong.

* Jack Jack Boback, banana fana boback... *

[audience cheering]

* fifay fomack, jack... *

All right, you can start the show now, you big ham.

It will be my pleasure, live, from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

[cheering and music]

[Announcer:] It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadow,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band,

musical guest, Bonny Rate.

And starring, Christian Slater.

Ladies and gentlemen, Christian Slater!

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much,

Let me say that again, wow.

Saturday Night Live.

First of all, I want to thank everyone for tuning in,

even though the World Series is still on and I understand that

it’s been a real exciting series

but we’ve got a real exciting show.

Before we get started, I’d like to get something off my chest.

Something that’s been bothering me for some time

and I wanted to take this opportunity here

to deal with it once and for all,

all right?

I’m a little tired of people accusing me

of doing jack Nicholson, OK?

[audience laughing]

Of course, it hasn’t happened around here, you know,

people in the show have been extremely supportive,

very helpful, it’s, I don’t know,

maybe it’s characters I played, I don’t know,

movies like Heathers...

[audience cheering]

...pump up the volume,

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest...

No, that actually was Jack.

But anyway, what I do is nothing like jack Nicholson, all right?

And just to prove it, I’m going to do the famous diners scene from five easy pieces.

Now, the way I do it, all right?

Now first, we’re going to show you the way Nicholson did it.

So, David, we can roll that clip there.

Davey, anybody hear me?

Anyone?

Dave?

Come on, are you in there?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I guess they’re watching the game.

All right.

It’s great, guys.

I always said the Braves in six.

Wrong, Braves in seven.

Lorne?

Christian. How’d the monologue go?

It’s fine, I think I’m still doing it.

Good, good.

You know I said the Braves in six.

Excuse me, young man, you make a better door than a window.

[audience laughing]

Oh, sorry.

Well.

Seriously.

It’s great, well, I guess they’re watching the game.

But we actually really do have a great show tonight.

Bonny Rate is here.

[audience cheering]

We’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

You know, when I entertain at home, occasionally,

my friends and I like to discuss

just what is the best malt liquor.

- I say Bull. - I say Cobra.

And I say it’s all just talk unless it’s the one they call,

Coldcock.

There’s only one malt liquor that will get your head humming,

Coldcock is the one you’ll never see coming.

Coldcock.

Try it.

Coldcock.

I have yet to meet a man that can finish a whole Coldcock can.

I ain’t afraid of no can of beer.

Give me one.

Coldcock.

Coldcock.

You one malt liquor picker.

Coldcock.

Like I said, it’s all just talk unless it’s the one they call

Coldcock.

Coldcock.

Fantastic.

[Narrator:] Coldcock, you’ll never see it coming.

Damn, that’s one strong malt liquor.

Coldcock.

[Announcer:] Meet the Rileys, Bob, Sarah, Gary, Devin, and Greg.

And the Thorntons, William, Rebecca, Bethany, Chip, and Steve.

On your mark, let’s start, the Dysfunctional Family Feud.

And here is your host of the Dysfunctional Family Feud,

Ray Cone.

OK.

All right, let’s welcome the Riley family.

And bob, who have you brought with you today?

Well, this is my wife, Sarah.

And these are my sons, Gary, Devin, and Greg.

- All right, daddy. - All right, daddy.

And our champions, the Thornton family.

William, introduced us to the Thornton bunch.

Well, next to me is my beautiful daughter, Bethany,

my wife Rebecca, and my two sons, Chip and Steven.

I always say, I’ve got a full house,

two Queens and a pair of jokers.

That is not a full house, Dad, that’s four of a kind.

Jokers are wild.

That’s enough, Steven.

- I just thought... - Don’t think, son.

Ok, let’s start the feud.

All right.

Ok, 100 people surveyed.

Three most popular answers are on the board.

Name a reason why people won’t give up drinking.

William?

I don’t know why I did that because I really don’t know.

I don’t have a drinking problem.

Don’t have a drinking problem, ok, Riley’s,

think of a chance to steal. Okay.

All right.

Hello, Bethany, how are you?

Two answers left.

A reason why people won’t give up drinking.

One answer, take a guess.

You did that fine, honey, everything’s all right.

Oh please, don’t cuddle her.

Leave mom alone.

Stay out of this.

You’re down there for a reason.

[audience laughing]

OK, Rebecca, I need an answer, three seconds.

Oh, I couldn’t even guess because you know, Ray,

we pretty well control our drinking.

Drinking under control. Yes. Okay.

Hi, Chip, good to see you.

OK, a reason why people won’t give up their drinking.

Because it tastes good and they like to party.

Good answer!

OK, Chip says because they like to party, survey says...

Oh, good answer, real smart.

Why don’t you lay off, dad, huh?

Somebody shut him up, please.

It’s OK, Steven, I am stupid.

[audience laughing]

Steve, you have two strikes.

It’s up to you.

A reason why people won’t give up drinking,

a chance to put your family up on the board.

Who the hell cares?

What difference does it make, I don’t want to be here anyway.

Yes, all right, the Thorntons take the bait.

Ok.

Bethany, Sarah, let’s play the feud.

Ok, all right, 100 people surveyed,

three most popular answers are on the board.

Name something that family say to recent college graduates.

Sarah?

Get out there and do your best.

Good answer, judges, can we accept that?

We can.

OK, Bethany, go back and think of a steal.

Ok.

Ok, Gary, how you doing?

Ok, Gary, something a family says

to a recent college graduate.

Congratulations.

Congratulations. Good answer?

Not on the board.

It’s ok.

Devin, how are you?

Hey Ray, I’m a big fan.

[audience laughing]

Think about this, you graduated, you come home,

the family says...

We’re so proud of you.

Good answer, good answer.

Devin says, they’re so proud. Survey says?

Sorry.

All right, Greg, up to you.

Something the family says to a recent college graduate.

We...

...love you.

All right.

Thornton’s, chance to steal.

All we need is one answer.

See you in trade school.

College has changed you and we don’t know you anymore!

Trade school, trade school, trade school!

OK, OK, William?

Something you say to the college graduate.

I’m going to go out on my own, Ray, and say,

I bet you think you’re smarter than me now.

[audience laughing]

Oh, dad.

Do you have a problem with that?

No, sir, good answers.

Let me see, bet you think you’re smart now.

And the Rileys keep the bank.

All right, let’s see the number two answer up there if we could.

Trade school.

And the number three answer.

College has changed you, I don’t know who you are any more.

OK, William, your family had the answer but you went out on your own.

Well, it’s all right, I don’t care,

I really don’t care if I win or lose, you know, I really don’t,

we don’t have to prove anything to you people.

All right, I need two more players.

Come on.

All right, 100 people surveyed, three most popular answers are on the board,

name something that you find in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Your spare bibles?

Extra bibles, yes.

I think of a steal, OK.

OK.

OK, OK, Chip, very excited.

Ok, Chip, something in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Gee.

How about clothes you’ve gotten too fat for.

Ok, Dad.

Can we see skinny clothes.

Sorry, Dad.

Why do you keep apologizing to him?

Because he’s...

Ok, ok, Steve.

Something in your bedroom closet besides clothes.

A gun, a loaded gun.

Sorry, no gun there.

It is, it is, there is, I swear it.

You don’t have the guts.

Yeah?

OK, something besides--

William, something besides clothing that people keep

in the closet, three seconds.

Personal items?

Be more specific.

Dirty magazines.

[audience laughing]

Dirty magazines!

All right, OK, Bethany, it’s up to you,

you can take this one home or lose it to the Rileys.

Name something you find in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Come on.

My father.

[audience laughing]

Can we see, her father?

Yes, the Thorntons are still champions.

Congratulations.

You see, everything’s going to be all right.

No no, no, it’s not all right, mom,

just because we won does not make things all right.

- I suppose we should lose? - That’s not the point.

Well, that’s all the time we have, I’m Ray Cones

and we’ll see you next time on The Feud.

[Announcer:] Tune in tomorrow for more of The Dysfunctional Family Feud.

[audience cheering]

Welcome once again to Young Actors Forum,

a weekly dialogue for young performers in the industry.

I’m Christian Slater and joining me tonight are Keanu Reeves...

[audience laughing]

Charlie Sheen,

[audience laughing]

Emilio Estevez,

[audience laughing]

Matthew Broderick,

and Rob Lowe.

[audience laughing]

OK, Charlie, let’s start with you.

Now, you did some nice work in hot shots.

Now you’re doing a project with Milos Foreman,

sounds pretty intense.

Yeah, yeah, I think it’s going to be really special.

It’s called firefly.

I play this fugitive cop who has to make a choice.

Yeah, it’s pretty real.

Yeah, and I get to work with some great people, Gene Hackman,

Molly Ringwald.

- Did her. - Did her.

- Did her. - Did her.

- Had her. - Did her.

And you know--

[audience laughing]

You know, when you work with people like that,

you got to turn it up a notch.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Now, Keanu, you worked with Milos recently.

Well, man, yeah, it was like, really liberating, you know,

he’s the kind of director who goes right up to the line,

you know, and then he goes, like, a little bit over,

that line and there was this one time that I was doing this

really intense scene with Daryl Hannah.

- Did her. - Had her.

- Had her. - Been there.

- Had some. - Got some of that.

[audience laughing]

What Milos lets us do, you get to call your own cuts

so he lets the camera roll until he felt right about the scene,

it’s cool.

Wow, that’s great.

Well, Darryl is a real perfectionists.

She also got that innocent quality, you know.

A lot like Ally Sheedy.

- Had her. - I had that.

- Been there. - We doubled her.

Bagger.

[audience laughing]

Now, Matthew,

I hear you’re working your chops in New York now.

Yeah, you know, every once in a while,

I like to go back to the Jet Theater.

You know, making a role fresh every night is a real challenge.

You know, I’m even studying acting again.

I’m taking some classes with Uta Hagen.

- Did her - Had it. Made her.

- Did it twice. - Got it.

Nailed it shot. Because you got to keep--

[audience applauding]

...relearning your lines, you know,

it all comes back to you if you want it to.

Rob, we haven’t heard from you.

You’re actually doing some television now.

Yeah, I’m doing a TV movie directed by Alan Alda.

Is he cool?

Oh yeah, he’s great, man, you know,

I met him at a Walden Pond fundraiser and we totally hit it off.

And it’s really pretty cool, you know, cause,

we just don’t talk about acting.

I mean, I’ll come over and just hang, you know,

with him and his wife.

- Yeah, been there. - Seen it.

Double duty.

- Deader. - Doing her.

Oh, you are.

[audience laughing]

That’s great, that’s great, all right.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, Allen is really down to earth.

Yeah, You know, actors would direct are so much more generous

because they’ve been there, you know, I mean,

Gus Van Saint was really cool but right now, you know,

I’m working with Penny Marshall...

- Been - Seen

- Had - Done

- Did. - Been

I mean, if you have a suggestion, she’ll take it your way,

you know, which is in actors, this would really be cool.

You know, I know what you’re saying, man,

when I did The Rookie, I got that kind of vibe

- from Clint Eastwood. - Did him.

[audience laughing]

Sorry.

[audience cheering]

Sorry, I have the hiccups so...

OK, thanks for watching Young Actors Forum.

Next week my guest will be, Amy McCarthy.

Excuse me, Amy?

Yeah, she’s a new actress Barry Levinson found.

She’s in his next movie. Amy McCarthy.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

- Did her. - Had her.

Been there...

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon.

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m a compulsive gambler.

[audience laughing]

Speaking at Harvard yesterday, Ted Kennedy acknowledged his fault

and promised to clean up his act.

Admitting that most of his faults involve women and alcohol.

The senator pledged that he would make all of his women

cut down on their alcohol.

[audience laughing]

In his new book, Under Fire, An American Story, Oliver North alleges

that President Reagan knew all about Iran contra arms for hostage deal.

Upon hearing this, Ronald Reagan read the book and was reportedly

shocked to learn that he had indeed been president.

[audience laughing]

Doctors had to put 20 stitches in vice president Dan Quayle’s tongue this week

after secret service bodyguards pulled it out of a White House pencil sharpener.

[audience laughing]

Former clansmen and white supremacists, David Duke,

seems pretty confident he’ll be Louisiana’s next governor.

Outside of Theater New Orleans, Duke was noticeable disappointed

after viewing Boys in the Hood.

Said Duke, "I was expecting something else."

[audience applauding]

I thought I’d take a moment for a brief editorial

on the devastating conditions the Soviet Economy is now undergoing.

The Soviet economy is now undergoing some devastating conditions.

[audience laughing]

In other news, after a careful review,

scholars say that the newly released Dead Sea scrolls

revealed that Eve file sexual harassment charges against Adam

in the Garden of Eden.

It seems that Adam kept pointing out pubic hair on the apple

and kept telling her how long his snake was.

[audience applauding]

According to a recent survey, people with blond hair are still having more fun.

Salem Massachusetts will celebrate this year by commemorating

the 300th anniversary of the Salem Witch Trial.

Expected to attend are witch trial experts Strom Thurman,

Arlene Spector, and Orin Hatch.

[audience applauding]

That’s right.

Well, three women fearing another need to hill experience

this week backed out of a senate subcommittee hearing.

They could have walked out forward

but they didn’t even trust the senators. A common problem.

Following the swearing in ceremony at the White House last week,

Clarence Thomas immediately began harassing Barbara Bush.

[audience laughing]

Here now with her unique opinion on the Clarence Thomas situation

is SNL soul sister number one Queen Shanikwa, Queen?

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Kevin.

This is Queen Shanikwa for update.

I’m mad about Clarence Thomas being confirmed to the Supreme Court.

The sexual harassment, that bothered me but you know what really bothered me more,

he was sitting up there with that white woman, you see that?

Where’s the clan when you need them?

[audience laughing]

Didn’t they start the clan to prevent things like that?

Disproportionately successful black man marry white women,

what’s up with that?

Kevin is doing very well, he’s doing Update now,

he’s pretty successful, you don’t see him pushing up next to queen Shanikwa, do you?

Well, do you?

Well, no, no.

But if Chris Rock was sitting on that anchor chair,

he’d be all up in Victoria Jackson’s face,

[audience laughing]

Like white on rice.

Or black on rice as the case may be, right, Kevin?

Well, I’m not sure if I follow you but...

Well, follow this, you know what it is,

it’s the press that black women get.

For years, the only black women you saw in the movies were

you know, turning tricks as hookers, a negative image.

But as soon as Julia Roberts play a prostitute,

she became pretty woman.

Critics call her a modern day Cinderella.

She was a whore.

[audience laughing]

Julia Roberts was a whore.

[audience cheering]

Now, America can’t get enough of prostitution.

Now, there’s a lot of movies out there, La Femme Nikita,

the Last Prostitute.

Now, they got one called Whore.

I got it.

We need a movie to get our man back.

How about, instead of Boys in the Hood,

we can have a movie called, Man in My House.

Instead of New Jack City, Man in My House.

Jungle Fever, Man in My House.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Queen Shanikwa.

[audience cheering]

Queen Shanikwa.

Well, somebody is in for a lot of money tonight

when Florida draws the winning $94 million lottery ticket.

Lottery officials say the odds of winning are 14 million to one.

And in a related story, Jerry Brown is running for president.

[audience laughing]

New York governor, Mario Cuomo said today,

he has still not decided whether to buy a Florida State lottery ticket.

As former Washington DC mayor, Marion Berry entered prison today,

he self-righteously called himself the victim

of a high tech video surveillance of an uppity mayor smoking crack.

[audience laughing]

Last week, I erroneously reported that tourists and local residents were sickened

by large oil slicks and green algae like slime

appearing on the French Mediterranean.

What I meant was, not the French Mediterranean but the French president Mitterrand.

My sincere apologies.

In a recent gallop poll it was determined most people

prefer to gallop than just trot.

Interesting poll there.

Well, Imelda Marcos is planning a return trip to the Philippines

this month with the body of her deceased husband,

Ferdinand Marcos.

Philippine Airlines says there will not be a problem

as long as the former president can fit under the seat

or in the overhead bin.

[audience laughing]

It’s recently been brought to attention that the name of a mountain range in Wyoming

be changed to a less offensive name.

It seems the name Grand Tetons is actually a French phrase

meaning "big tits".

[audience laughing]

In response, the interior department has decided

to change the name of the mountain range to the Grand Partons.

[audience laughing]

Well, Native American Indians are protesting the Atlanta Braves tomahawk chops

saying that it mocks Native American culture.

The Minnesota Twins are getting their fair share of criticism as well as sets of twins

all over the Midwest converged on the area to protest being exploited.

And it seems that the Twins, the Twins’ Homer Hanky waves

are offensive to the Iraqis, who claim that it mocks their Gulf War surrender.

[audience laughing]

Something like that.

Sparks flew when boxing promoter Don King insisted

that Mike Tyson grin and bear his rib injury

and not postpone his November 8 bout with Holyfield.

Upon hearing that, Tyson accused king of being a money grubbing bum.

King denied these allegations and agreed to postpone the fight

until after Tyson’s court case, which he incidentally is negotiating for

to be seen on pay-per-view TV.

Well, this just in: we have a score in tonight’s 5th game of the World Series, it’s 8-5.

[audience laughing]

Now, for a brief subliminal editorial.

Thank you.

[audience laughing]

In an unrelated story this week, he finally went to his aunt’s house.

[audience laughing]

Tragedy struck today in Miami when Dr. Kevorkian’s

controversial suicide machine went haywire and killed 60 healthy bystanders.

Two of whom held winning Florida lottery tickets.

[audience laughing]

A young man who mistook his mother for a deer shot her

in the family’s back yard this week.

The mistake wasn’t discovered until her head was mounted on the living room wall.

[audience laughing]

A purple scores in the SAT reached an all-time low in 1991.

Teachers are optimistic that the scores will get gooder in the years to come.

[audience laughing]

ABC canceled their sitcom Good And Evil this week

responding to the outcries of enraged blind people over the series depiction

of a blind psychiatrist as a bumbling idiot.

[audience laughing]

The producers of the hit television show, Beverly Hills 90210have finally succumbed

to protests from the postmaster general.

The show has been officially renamed:

Beverly Hills 90210-0014.

[audience laughing]

And now, here with a report on how to stretch you Halloween dollar

is Weekend Update correspondent Adam Sandler. Adam?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thanks, Kevin.

Holloway is coming and it’s always loads of fun.

But we have to remember, we’re living in a recession

and money is tight.

So don’t go bugging your parents for these new

overprice costumes.

There’s such a rip-off.

If you want the original, scary Halloween costumes,

use your imagination.

What’s wrong with just using your face.

You can go as squishy man.

Hey, I’m squishy man.

And I want some candy.

Give some candy to squishy man.

Or maybe you can go as a G-Force man.

Hey, I’m G-Force man.

And this plane is soon going way too fast now give me some candy.

Come on. Give it here.

You know what, I you can just use your own tee shirt.

Go as crazy one armed man.

Hey, look at me, I only got one arm and I’m crazy.

Now give me some candy.

For I’ll grab you with my crazy one arm.

Or how about going as crazy hand coming out of the neck guy.

Hey, I’m crazy hand coming out of the neck guy.

Now give me some candy.

Don’t you think I deserve some for being this crazy?

Or how about, going as crazy no arm woman.

I want some candy.

Candy, candy, candy.

Everybody knows that crazy woman with no arms just loves candy.

Now give it to me or I’ll rip your ear off.

You can use something that’s in your house even.

How about a spoon.

I’m crazy spoon head and I want some candy.

I don’t have a normal head.

I’ve got a damned spoon growing out of it.

Now give me some crazy candy, damn it.

This spoon makes me crazy.

[audience applauding]

Or just use a plant from somebody’s yard.

Hey, I’m crazy plant head.

How about some candy?

Come on, I’m crazy and I got a plant coming out of my head.

Don’t leave crazy plant head hanging.

He needs some candy, too.

Or crazy plant arm.

Hey, look at this, I got a plant coming out of my arm.

Isn’t that bizarre?

I am crazy, I am deformed and I am hungry.

Now give me some candy.

For it over.

How about this?

A cup head, cup head, hey, I’m cup head, I want some candy.

Hey, give me some candy, I’m cup head.

Something like that.

Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheering]

Peewee Herman was rushed to Cedar Sinai Hospital today

after attending a Halloween costume party as Edward Scissorhands.

[audience cheering]

The London Times has suggested Christopher Columbus

may have been homosexual and was seeking a new route to Key West.

[audience laughing]

Scientists say that dinosaur flatulence may have caused

global warming in prehistoric times.

Responsibility for present day global warming has been determined to stem from

Big Al, a Cleveland auto mechanic who just doesn’t care.

[audience laughing]

For some hints on how to dress for your local weather,

let’s turn now to our USA today weather map.

It’s always helpful. If you live in the east.

You may want to break out your yellow clothes.

Up in the north, blue or light blue clothes and green yellow

and brown clothes in the Midwest,

possibly a plaid ensemble. More weather tomorrow.

Don’t forget, daylight saving time ends tonight.

So at 2:00, set your clocks ahead 23 hours.

If you’re in central Mountain Time, It’s one hour back

minus the two-hour time difference in New York City,

and those of you in the west coast,

it’s a 3 hour time difference, one hour back and three eggs.

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

[audience cheering]

So, this place has the best wings in all of buffalo, huh?

Yeah, that’s what they say.

I’m hungry.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, you guys ready?

I’m ready, you ready, honey?

Yeah. I’ll have half a dozen wings.

All right.

And what kind of sauce do you want on that?

We’ve got the mild, medium, medium hot, hot,

and super fire hot.

I have the mild.

And you?

I’d like a dozen wings and I’ll take the super fire hot sauce.

The super fire hot?

They’re really hot.

I’ll give it a try.

I mean, they’re really, really hot.

I hear you but let me give it a shot, all right?

I just want you to understand that it’s an incredibly hot sauce.

Is there a problem?

No, I just ordered the super fire hot wings.

Have you had them before, sir?

Because they’re really, really hot.

That’s what I’ve been trying to explain to him.

Look, I appreciate your concern

but I really want the super fire hot sauce. It’s OK, really.

We’ll be right back.

Well, that sauce must be really hot.

I guess so.

Hi.

Hi.

I’m Ron Julian, the manager.

How you doing?

Good.

Good.

I understand that you’re interested in ordering

the super fire hot wings?

Yes, I am.

May I have a seat?

Sure.

I think you should realize that these wings are really hot.

I know.

I mean, they’re really, really hot.

Well, that’s what I’ve been told.

That’s what the waiter there just told me.

He’s a good man.

I’m sure he is.

Can I possibly talk you into trying our medium hot wings?

I think you’ll find it pretty tasty and still pretty hot.

Yeah, honey, maybe you should just get the medium hot.

No, no, no, no, look, like I told the other guy,

I appreciate your concern but I’m going to stick with my original order.

The super fire hot wings?

Yes.

So, somebody could please go get those for me, that would be great.

All righty, Steve.

Look, why don’t you let me give you the medium hot wings

and afterwards, if you feel that you really want the super fire hot wings,

I won’t stand in your way.

No.

Fair enough.

Enjoy your wings.

Geez! Not that bad.

I don’t know why they’re making such a big deal about it.

How are the wings?

Well, they’re good. I mean, I’m kind of surprised though,

it’s not as hot as I thought they’d be.

Still pretty hot though, huh?

It’s just that I was expecting something.

You know, really hot.

Well, to be honest, I took the liberty of ordering you the medium hot.

[audience cheering]

Now to tell me, don’t you find them more than spicy enough?

What?

Here’s your coleslaw.

It will take the edge off the medium hot sauce.

I didn’t order any coleslaw and I didn’t order the medium hot wings.

I ordered the super fire hot wings.

All right, I’m sorry, my apology.

Carey, could you bring the gentleman the super fire hot wings?

I’m sorry, I was just looking out for you.

Honest, it was important to me to know you really wanted

the super fire hot wings, and now that I know,

I feel better about the whole thing.

Here they are.

Thank you.

OK, I’m sorry, you’re right, I gave you the medium hot wings again.

[audience laughing]

I’m really sorry.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh please, don’t be angry with me.

Stephen, would you bring the release forms, please?

[audience laughing]

Sign here.

And here.

What is this, huh?

I mean, just tell me where the super fire hot wings are and I’ll go get them myself.

All right, all right, you win.

Here they are.

Thank you.

[music]

[Narrator:] As Scott Hanson bit into the chicken wings,

he’s had turned a bright beet red and large amounts of smoke began to billow from his ears.

Within seconds, his eyes had become slot machine tumblers

which spun around until both landed on the symbol for chili peppers.

Next, bolting up from his chair and shouting, "woo, woo"

Scott chugged around the room like a locomotive,

finally shooting through the roof of Ron’s Wings And Things

and exploding high over the Buffalo night sky.

In an ironic footnote to this story,

the chicken wing Scott had eaten was only a hot wing

and not the super fire hot wing he had ordered.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] Good evening and welcome again

to pumping up with Hans and Franz.

The informative training program for the serious weight lifter.

- Hi, welcome, we’re back. - Hi, welcome, we’re back.

- Once again I’m Hans - And I’m Franz.

And we are here to pump you up.

[audience cheering]

You know, let me tell you something,

many of you are wondering where have we been.

Yeah, that’s right, we spent most of the summer in movie theaters

intensely screening the year’s most important culture event...

- Terminator 2. - Terminator 2.

Yeah, that’s right.

Starring the world’s most popular movie star.

Yeah, who just happens to be our cousin.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger. - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- All right. - That’s right.

All right, after crossing the movie industry,

Cousin Arnold went on a 50-state tour sponsored by President Bush.

That’s right, and as you know, Cousin Arnold was put in charge

of the president’s council on physical pompitude.

[audience laughing]

No better person.

Arnold’s dream is to create a fabulous utopia.

But alas, the girly man is a formidable opponent.

That’s right but hear me now and believe me later,

we can easily crush girly man like grapes.

That’s right and make a nice dry white wine.

[audience laughing]

- Sauvignon Girly. - Sauvignon Girly.

[audience laughing]

That’s right.

If we were ever a wine, we’d be ripple.

That’s right.

Yeah, nice ripple.

So you know, we followed Arnold from state to state to lend a helping muscle.

Yeah, take a look at this.

Next exercise is for the upper body. They get really strong.

Some push-ups, ok?

Now for that, I’m going to have my Cousins come out

and show you how to do it the proper way.

Come on, Hans and Franz.

Here they are.

- Hi, Arnold, how are you? - Hi, how are you?

Good to see you again, yeah.

OK guys, go ahead with the program, show them now.

OK, Cousin Arnold.

But first, I’d like to say, kids,

do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.

We know your tiny children brains can’t possibly comprehend

the muscles so large and arms so strong.

The buttocks so firm.

We know you’re traumatized right now from the sight of us

but believe me, our muscles do not bite.

That’s right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.

OK, guys, you’re not scaring anybody, OK.

So, let’s go back, as go back to the exercising,

that’s what we’re doing here.

Yeah, I get it, child psychology.

All right, let’s do it.

Cousin Arnold, that’s right.

It’s very important to know how to properly flex.

Yeah, let’s go over some simple poses like this.

Come on, try it. Try it, everyone.

No, no, no, guys, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold it.

There are more important things than posing.

That’s right, that’s right but before you pose,

it’s very important to properly oil your body.

Yeah, that’s right, so that you can accent your cuts and muscle definition.

- Yeah. - Fellows, come on.

We have to learn here about how to exercise.

Yeah, yeah, cousin, it’s all good to exercise but sooner or later,

they’re going to have to learn how to compete.

That’s right, OK now, before you oil up,

it’s very important to shave all your body hair.

Yeah, that’s right, we are completely hairless, believe me.

No, no, no, no, no, listen guys, this is not about competition.

This is about exercising.

Listen fellas, hear me now, and believe me later.

What you’re doing here is putting the carriage in front of the horse.

That’s not what we want to do.

If you continue on this way.

I’m going to twist your flap into the shape of a pacifier.

Then, I’m going to have you suck on it until you poop

in your diapers, huh?

How about that?

Listen, we are sorry, Cousin Arnold.

We’re sorry.

Yeah, you’re sorry, I mean, you’re real losers.

You guys are the losers.

I mean, you’re waste.

All right, can now please, Cousin Arnold,

can we please do the finale?

- Please? Please? - All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, Cousin Arnold.

All right.

[music]

All right, that was beautiful.

Yeah, six perfectly formed.

[audience cheering]

Yeah, I love the way those pectoral were just dancing

the right away.

That’s right.

All right, kids, one more lesson.

These are your muscles.

Yeah, and these are your muscles on steroids.

Yeah, any questions?

All right, until next time, he’s Hans.

And he is Franz.

And we just want to pump you up!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:] This has been pumping up with Hans and Franz.

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, I can do Jack Nicholson.

Oh, great, do it.

Excuse me,

but I ordered the chicken salad sandwich on weed toast.

Now, if you can’t help me, I’ll call nurse Ratchet.

Here’s Johnny.

Jack Nicholson never holds his hand on his head.

Yeah, I just don’t buy it.

It happens so often.

You’re impersonating Jack Nicholson,

you have to keep pulling your hair back

undermining the dead on routine you so carefully honed.

Well, now you can imitate Jack, unhindered with Nich-Aid.

Nich-Aid scientifically designed system of high speed blowers

keeps your hair pulled back like Jack’s,

leaving your hands free the way Jack’s are.

Nich-Aid is portable and lightweight and no one will notice.

I know I never would have made through Heathers without it.

[audience laughing]

Wait till they get a load of me.

[laughing]

Hey, who’s the guy with the really convincing Nicholson impersonation?

Where does he get those wonderful toys.

Thanks, Nich-Aid.

[Narrator:] Nich-Aid, you’re doing jack and your hair’s pulled back.

Not affiliated with Jack Master 2000.

[audience cheering]

I’d like to thank everybody for tuning in.

I had the greatest experience. Thanks, Bonny Rate.

[audience cheering]

I had the greatest week of my life.

This was an unbelievable experience.

And now, Bonny Rate and I are going to do a duet,

one with John MacLauchlan.

We’re going to sing, that’s life,

wonderful frank Sinatra tune.

I’ll start it off.

- That’s life. - That’s life.

[audience cheering]

[music]