All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

[music]

Issue one, the mid-east peace
conference trick or treat?

Will the Israelis cooperate or
does the Palestinian delegation

have them spooked? Pat Buchanan.

Well, I think Israel
is justifiably...

Wrong, goes to Fred Bonds.

- I don’t think a withdrawal...
- Wrong, Morton...

Well, the Palestinians
are probably...

Not scary enough,
Jackal London Jamon.

John, I’d really prefer...

Wrong.

The correct answer is
the Mid East peace talks will be
a ghoulishly successful.

A little girl was gathering
woods in the forest

for her stepmother when
suddenly, a storm began to brew.

The girl took refuge in
a nearby abandoned mansion.

Who was lurking in the cobwebs,
I ask you, Morton.

A grave robber.

Wrong!
[Gibberish]

I don’t know, big bad wolf?

Wrong. You’re getting cold,
not warm. Pat Buchanan.

[audience laughing]

Where you scared, Pat?

Of course, I’m not.

Wrong, you wish you
were never born.

Next issue, close your
eyes, issue three,

is it cold spaghetti
or a human brain, Jack Jamon?

I’m not going to play...

Wrong.

Pat Buchanan? Guess if you dare.

Come on, Morton,
I know you’ll try.

Well, I’m going to have to
say it feels like spaghetti.

Wrong, the correct
answer is...

Next issue.

[audience laughing]

The corpse of Hubert Humphrey
will rise from the grave.

Agree or disagree,
Pat Buchanan.

John, can we please just...

Wrong, Freddy Krueger.

Well, it’s Fred burns...

Wrong!

* Jack Jamon
Jack Jamon *

You know, I really
have no opinion...

Maybe this will help you.

How about you,
More Tony Baloney?

Well, Senator Humphrey has
been dead for over 15 years.

So, if there were
a living corpse,

I would think the democrats
would have no interests in...

John?

Why are you letting
me speak so long?

John?

John?

[sinister laughs]

[audience cheering]

Sorry, the teasing was starting
to get to me and I had to take
action.

Issue, a unified Europe,
good for them, how about us?

Bone or Bane?

Freddie bonds and noble.

Well, I think we
depend far too much...

Wrong. Patty cake, patty cake,
bakers Buchanan.

Europe ought to be concerned
that we, you know...

Wrong, Mortony Bennett,
lest Tony Martin.

Well, I would have to say...

Wrong.

* Jack Jack Boback,
banana fana boback... *

[audience cheering]

* fifay fomack, jack... *

All right, you can start
the show now, you big ham.

It will be my pleasure,
live, from New York,

it’s Saturday Night.

[cheering and music]

[Announcer:]
It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Chris Farley,

Phil Hartman,

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon,

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney,

with Ellen Cleghorne,

Siobhan Fallon,

Tim Meadow,

Adam Sandler,

Rob Schneider,

David Spade,

and featuring GE Smith and
the Saturday Night Live Band,

musical guest, Bonny Rate.

And starring, Christian Slater.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Christian Slater!

[audience cheering]

Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you very much,

Let me say that again, wow.

Saturday Night Live.

First of all, I want to
thank everyone for tuning in,

even though the World Series is
still on and I understand that

it’s been a real exciting series

but we’ve got
a real exciting show.

Before we get started, I’d like
to get something off my chest.

Something that’s been bothering
me for some time

and I wanted to take
this opportunity here

to deal with it
once and for all,

all right?

I’m a little tired of people
accusing me

of doing jack Nicholson, OK?

[audience laughing]

Of course, it hasn’t happened
around here, you know,

people in the show have
been extremely supportive,

very helpful,
it’s, I don’t know,

maybe it’s characters
I played, I don’t know,

movies like Heathers...

[audience cheering]

...pump up the volume,

One Flew Over
The Cuckoo’s Nest...

No, that actually was Jack.

But anyway, what I do is nothing
like jack Nicholson, all right?

And just to prove it, I’m going
to do the famous diners scene
from five easy pieces.

Now, the way I do it, all right?

Now first, we’re going to show
you the way Nicholson did it.

So, David, we can
roll that clip there.

Davey, anybody hear me?

Anyone?

Dave?

Come on, are you in there?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I guess they’re
watching the game.

All right.

It’s great, guys.

I always said the Braves in six.

Wrong, Braves in seven.

Lorne?

Christian.
How’d the monologue go?

It’s fine, I think
I’m still doing it.

Good, good.

You know I said
the Braves in six.

Excuse me, young man, you make
a better door than a window.

[audience laughing]

Oh, sorry.

Well.

Seriously.

It’s great, well, I guess
they’re watching the game.

But we actually really do
have a great show tonight.

Bonny Rate is here.

[audience cheering]

We’ll be right back.

[audience cheering]

You know, when I entertain
at home, occasionally,

my friends and I
like to discuss

just what is
the best malt liquor.

- I say Bull.
- I say Cobra.

And I say it’s all just talk
unless it’s the one they call,

Coldcock.

There’s only one malt liquor
that will get your head humming,

Coldcock is the one
you’ll never see coming.

Coldcock.

Try it.

Coldcock.

I have yet to meet a man that
can finish a whole Coldcock can.

I ain’t afraid of
no can of beer.

Give me one.

Coldcock.

Coldcock.

You one malt liquor picker.

Coldcock.

Like I said, it’s all just talk
unless it’s the one they call

Coldcock.

Coldcock.

Fantastic.

[Narrator:]
Coldcock, you’ll
never see it coming.

Damn, that’s one
strong malt liquor.

Coldcock.

[Announcer:]
Meet the Rileys, Bob,
Sarah, Gary, Devin, and Greg.

And the Thorntons, William,
Rebecca, Bethany, Chip,
and Steve.

On your mark, let’s start,
the Dysfunctional Family Feud.

And here is your host of the
Dysfunctional Family Feud,

Ray Cone.

OK.

All right, let’s welcome
the Riley family.

And bob, who have you
brought with you today?

Well, this is my wife, Sarah.

And these are my sons,
Gary, Devin, and Greg.

- All right, daddy.
- All right, daddy.

And our champions,
the Thornton family.

William, introduced us
to the Thornton bunch.

Well, next to me is my
beautiful daughter, Bethany,

my wife Rebecca, and my
two sons, Chip and Steven.

I always say, I’ve
got a full house,

two Queens and a pair of jokers.

That is not a full house,
Dad, that’s four of a kind.

Jokers are wild.

That’s enough, Steven.

- I just thought...
- Don’t think, son.

Ok, let’s start the feud.

All right.

Ok, 100 people surveyed.

Three most popular answers
are on the board.

Name a reason why people
won’t give up drinking.

William?

I don’t know why I did that
because I really don’t know.

I don’t have a drinking problem.

Don’t have a drinking
problem, ok, Riley’s,

think of a chance to steal.
Okay.

All right.

Hello, Bethany, how are you?

Two answers left.

A reason why people
won’t give up drinking.

One answer, take a guess.

You did that fine, honey,
everything’s all right.

Oh please, don’t cuddle her.

Leave mom alone.

Stay out of this.

You’re down there for a reason.

[audience laughing]

OK, Rebecca, I need
an answer, three seconds.

Oh, I couldn’t even guess
because you know, Ray,

we pretty well
control our drinking.

Drinking under control.
Yes. Okay.

Hi, Chip, good to see you.

OK, a reason why people
won’t give up their drinking.

Because it tastes good
and they like to party.

Good answer!

OK, Chip says because they
like to party, survey says...

Oh, good answer, real smart.

Why don’t you lay off, dad, huh?

Somebody shut him up, please.

It’s OK, Steven, I am stupid.

[audience laughing]

Steve, you have two strikes.

It’s up to you.

A reason why people
won’t give up drinking,

a chance to put your
family up on the board.

Who the hell cares?

What difference does it make,
I don’t want to be here anyway.

Yes, all right,
the Thorntons take the bait.

Ok.

Bethany, Sarah,
let’s play the feud.

Ok, all right, 100 people
surveyed,

three most popular
answers are on the board.

Name something that family say
to recent college graduates.

Sarah?

Get out there and do your best.

Good answer, judges,
can we accept that?

We can.

OK, Bethany, go back
and think of a steal.

Ok.

Ok, Gary, how you doing?

Ok, Gary, something
a family says

to a recent college graduate.

Congratulations.

Congratulations. Good answer?

Not on the board.

It’s ok.

Devin, how are you?

Hey Ray, I’m a big fan.

[audience laughing]

Think about this, you
graduated, you come home,

the family says...

We’re so proud of you.

Good answer, good answer.

Devin says, they’re so proud.
Survey says?

Sorry.

All right, Greg, up to you.

Something the family says to
a recent college graduate.

We...

...love you.

All right.

Thornton’s, chance to steal.

All we need is one answer.

See you in trade school.

College has changed you
and we don’t know you anymore!

Trade school, trade
school, trade school!

OK, OK, William?

Something you say to
the college graduate.

I’m going to go out on my own,
Ray, and say,

I bet you think you’re
smarter than me now.

[audience laughing]

Oh, dad.

Do you have a problem with that?

No, sir, good answers.

Let me see, bet you
think you’re smart now.

And the Rileys keep the bank.

All right, let’s see the number
two answer up there if we could.

Trade school.

And the number three answer.

College has changed you, I
don’t know who you are any more.

OK, William, your family had
the answer but you went out
on your own.

Well, it’s all
right, I don’t care,

I really don’t care if I win or
lose, you know, I really don’t,

we don’t have to prove
anything to you people.

All right, I need
two more players.

Come on.

All right, 100 people surveyed,
three most popular answers are
on the board,

name something that you find
in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Your spare bibles?

Extra bibles, yes.

I think of a steal, OK.

OK.

OK, OK, Chip, very excited.

Ok, Chip, something
in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Gee.

How about clothes you’ve
gotten too fat for.

Ok, Dad.

Can we see skinny clothes.

Sorry, Dad.

Why do you keep
apologizing to him?

Because he’s...

Ok, ok, Steve.

Something in your bedroom
closet besides clothes.

A gun, a loaded gun.

Sorry, no gun there.

It is, it is, there
is, I swear it.

You don’t have the guts.

Yeah?

OK, something besides--

William, something besides
clothing that people keep

in the closet, three seconds.

Personal items?

Be more specific.

Dirty magazines.

[audience laughing]

Dirty magazines!

All right, OK, Bethany,
it’s up to you,

you can take this one home
or lose it to the Rileys.

Name something you find
in your bedroom closet

besides clothes.

Come on.

My father.

[audience laughing]

Can we see, her father?

Yes, the Thorntons
are still champions.

Congratulations.

You see, everything’s
going to be all right.

No no, no, it’s
not all right, mom,

just because we won does
not make things all right.

- I suppose we should lose?
- That’s not the point.

Well, that’s all the time
we have, I’m Ray Cones

and we’ll see
you next time on The Feud.

[Announcer:]
Tune in tomorrow for more of
The Dysfunctional Family Feud.

[audience cheering]

Welcome once again to
Young Actors Forum,

a weekly dialogue for young
performers in the industry.

I’m Christian Slater and joining
me tonight are Keanu Reeves...

[audience laughing]

Charlie Sheen,

[audience laughing]

Emilio Estevez,

[audience laughing]

Matthew Broderick,

and Rob Lowe.

[audience laughing]

OK, Charlie, let’s
start with you.

Now, you did some nice
work in hot shots.

Now you’re doing a project
with Milos Foreman,

sounds pretty intense.

Yeah, yeah, I think it’s
going to be really special.

It’s called firefly.

I play this fugitive cop
who has to make a choice.

Yeah, it’s pretty real.

Yeah, and I get to work with
some great people, Gene Hackman,

Molly Ringwald.

- Did her.
- Did her.

- Did her.
- Did her.

- Had her.
- Did her.

And you know--

[audience laughing]

You know, when
you work with people like that,

you got to turn it up a notch.

Yeah, that sounds cool.

Now, Keanu, you worked
with Milos recently.

Well, man, yeah, it was like,
really liberating, you know,

he’s the kind of director who
goes right up to the line,

you know, and then he goes,
like, a little bit over,

that line and there was this
one time that I was doing this

really intense scene
with Daryl Hannah.

- Did her.
- Had her.

- Had her.
- Been there.

- Had some.
- Got some of that.

[audience laughing]

What Milos lets us do, you get
to call your own cuts

so he lets the camera roll until
he felt right about the scene,

it’s cool.

Wow, that’s great.

Well, Darryl
is a real perfectionists.

She also got that innocent
quality, you know.

A lot like Ally Sheedy.

- Had her.
- I had that.

- Been there.
- We doubled her.

Bagger.

[audience laughing]

Now, Matthew,

I hear you’re working your chops
in New York now.

Yeah, you know, every
once in a while,

I like to go back
to the Jet Theater.

You know, making a role fresh
every night is a real challenge.

You know, I’m even
studying acting again.

I’m taking some classes
with Uta Hagen.

- Did her
- Had it.
Made her.

- Did it twice.
- Got it.

Nailed it shot.
Because you got to keep--

[audience applauding]

...relearning your lines,
you know,

it all comes back to you
if you want it to.

Rob, we haven’t heard from you.

You’re actually doing
some television now.

Yeah, I’m doing a TV movie
directed by Alan Alda.

Is he cool?

Oh yeah, he’s great,
man, you know,

I met him at a Walden Pond
fundraiser and we totally
hit it off.

And it’s really pretty
cool, you know, cause,

we just don’t talk about acting.

I mean, I’ll come over
and just hang, you know,

with him and his wife.

- Yeah, been there.
- Seen it.

Double duty.

- Deader.
- Doing her.

Oh, you are.

[audience laughing]

That’s great, that’s
great, all right.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, Allen is
really down to earth.

Yeah, You know, actors would
direct are so much more generous

because they’ve been
there, you know, I mean,

Gus Van Saint was really
cool but right now, you know,

I’m working with
Penny Marshall...

- Been
- Seen

- Had
- Done

- Did.
- Been

I mean, if you have
a suggestion, she’ll take it
your way,

you know, which is in actors,
this would really be cool.

You know, I know what
you’re saying, man,

when I did The Rookie,
I got that kind of vibe

- from Clint Eastwood.
- Did him.

[audience laughing]

Sorry.

[audience cheering]

Sorry, I have the hiccups so...

OK, thanks for watching
Young Actors Forum.

Next week my guest
will be, Amy McCarthy.

Excuse me, Amy?

Yeah, she’s a new actress
Barry Levinson found.

She’s in his next movie.
Amy McCarthy.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

- Did her.
- Had her.

Been there...

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
Weekend Update
with Kevin Nealon.

[audience cheering]

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon
and I’m a compulsive gambler.

[audience laughing]

Speaking at Harvard yesterday,
Ted Kennedy acknowledged his
fault

and promised
to clean up his act.

Admitting that most of his
faults involve women and
alcohol.

The senator pledged that he
would make all of his women

cut down on their alcohol.

[audience laughing]

In his new book, Under
Fire, An American Story,
Oliver North alleges

that President Reagan knew all
about Iran contra arms
for hostage deal.

Upon hearing this, Ronald Reagan
read the book and was reportedly

shocked to learn that he
had indeed been president.

[audience laughing]

Doctors had to put 20 stitches
in vice president Dan Quayle’s
tongue this week

after secret service bodyguards
pulled it out of a White House
pencil sharpener.

[audience laughing]

Former clansmen and white
supremacists, David Duke,

seems pretty confident he’ll
be Louisiana’s next governor.

Outside of Theater New Orleans,
Duke was noticeable disappointed

after viewing Boys in the Hood.

Said Duke, "I was expecting
something else."

[audience applauding]

I thought I’d take a moment
for a brief editorial

on the devastating conditions
the Soviet Economy is now
undergoing.

The Soviet economy is now
undergoing some devastating
conditions.

[audience laughing]

In other news, after
a careful review,

scholars say that the newly
released Dead Sea scrolls

revealed that Eve file sexual
harassment charges against Adam

in the Garden of Eden.

It seems that Adam kept pointing
out pubic hair on the apple

and kept telling her how
long his snake was.

[audience applauding]

According to a recent survey,
people with blond hair are still
having more fun.

Salem Massachusetts will
celebrate this year by
commemorating

the 300th anniversary
of the Salem Witch Trial.

Expected to attend are witch
trial experts Strom Thurman,

Arlene Spector, and Orin Hatch.

[audience applauding]

That’s right.

Well, three women fearing
another need to hill experience

this week backed out of
a senate subcommittee hearing.

They could have
walked out forward

but they didn’t even trust
the senators. A common problem.

Following the swearing in
ceremony at the White House
last week,

Clarence Thomas
immediately began harassing
Barbara Bush.

[audience laughing]

Here now with her unique opinion
on the Clarence Thomas situation

is SNL soul sister number
one Queen Shanikwa, Queen?

[audience cheering]

Thank you, Kevin.

This is Queen
Shanikwa for update.

I’m mad about Clarence Thomas
being confirmed
to the Supreme Court.

The sexual harassment, that
bothered me but you know what
really bothered me more,

he was sitting up there with
that white woman, you see that?

Where’s the clan
when you need them?

[audience laughing]

Didn’t they start the clan
to prevent things like that?

Disproportionately successful
black man marry white women,

what’s up with that?

Kevin is doing very well,
he’s doing Update now,

he’s pretty successful, you
don’t see him pushing up
next to queen Shanikwa, do you?

Well, do you?

Well, no, no.

But if Chris Rock was sitting
on that anchor chair,

he’d be all up in
Victoria Jackson’s face,

[audience laughing]

Like white on rice.

Or black on rice as the
case may be, right, Kevin?

Well, I’m not sure if
I follow you but...

Well, follow this,
you know what it is,

it’s the press that
black women get.

For years, the only black women
you saw in the movies were

you know, turning tricks as
hookers, a negative image.

But as soon as Julia
Roberts play a prostitute,

she became pretty woman.

Critics call her
a modern day Cinderella.

She was a whore.

[audience laughing]

Julia Roberts was a whore.

[audience cheering]

Now, America can’t get
enough of prostitution.

Now, there’s a lot of movies
out there, La Femme Nikita,

the Last Prostitute.

Now, they got one called Whore.

I got it.

We need a movie to
get our man back.

How about, instead
of Boys in the Hood,

we can have a movie
called, Man in My House.

Instead of New Jack
City, Man in My House.

Jungle Fever, Man in My House.

Thank you, Kevin.

Thank you, Queen Shanikwa.

[audience cheering]

Queen Shanikwa.

Well, somebody is in
for a lot of money tonight

when Florida draws the winning
$94 million lottery ticket.

Lottery officials say the
odds of winning are 14 million
to one.

And in a related story, Jerry
Brown is running for president.

[audience laughing]

New York governor,
Mario Cuomo said today,

he has still not decided whether
to buy a Florida State lottery
ticket.

As former Washington DC mayor,
Marion Berry entered prison
today,

he self-righteously called
himself the victim

of a high tech video
surveillance of an uppity mayor
smoking crack.

[audience laughing]

Last week, I erroneously
reported that tourists and local
residents were sickened

by large oil slicks
and green algae like slime

appearing on the
French Mediterranean.

What I meant was, not
the French Mediterranean but
the French president Mitterrand.

My sincere apologies.

In a recent gallop poll it
was determined most people

prefer to gallop than just trot.

Interesting poll there.

Well, Imelda Marcos is planning
a return trip to the Philippines

this month with the body
of her deceased husband,

Ferdinand Marcos.

Philippine Airlines says there
will not be a problem

as long as the former president
can fit under the seat

or in the overhead bin.

[audience laughing]

It’s recently been brought to
attention that the name of
a mountain range in Wyoming

be changed to
a less offensive name.

It seems the name Grand Tetons
is actually a French phrase

meaning "big tits".

[audience laughing]

In response, the interior
department has decided

to change the name
of the mountain range to
the Grand Partons.

[audience laughing]

Well, Native American Indians
are protesting the Atlanta
Braves tomahawk chops

saying that it mocks
Native American culture.

The Minnesota Twins are getting
their fair share of criticism as
well as sets of twins

all over the Midwest converged
on the area to protest
being exploited.

And it seems that the Twins,
the Twins’ Homer Hanky waves

are offensive to the Iraqis,
who claim that it mocks
their Gulf War surrender.

[audience laughing]

Something like that.

Sparks flew when boxing promoter
Don King insisted

that Mike Tyson grin and bear
his rib injury

and not postpone his November 8
bout with Holyfield.

Upon hearing that, Tyson accused
king of being a money grubbing
bum.

King denied these allegations
and agreed to postpone the fight

until after Tyson’s court
case, which he incidentally is
negotiating for

to be seen on pay-per-view TV.

Well, this just in: we have
a score in tonight’s 5th game of
the World Series, it’s 8-5.

[audience laughing]

Now, for a brief
subliminal editorial.

Thank you.

[audience laughing]

In an unrelated story this week,
he finally went to his aunt’s
house.

[audience laughing]

Tragedy struck today in
Miami when Dr. Kevorkian’s

controversial suicide machine
went haywire and killed 60
healthy bystanders.

Two of whom held winning
Florida lottery tickets.

[audience laughing]

A young man who mistook his
mother for a deer shot her

in the family’s back yard
this week.

The mistake wasn’t discovered
until her head was mounted
on the living room wall.

[audience laughing]

A purple scores in the SAT
reached an all-time low in 1991.

Teachers are optimistic that
the scores will get gooder
in the years to come.

[audience laughing]

ABC canceled their sitcom
Good And Evil this week

responding to the outcries of
enraged blind people
over the series depiction

of a blind psychiatrist
as a bumbling idiot.

[audience laughing]

The producers of the hit
television show, Beverly Hills
90210have finally succumbed

to protests
from the postmaster general.

The show has been
officially renamed:

Beverly Hills 90210-0014.

[audience laughing]

And now, here with a report
on how to stretch you Halloween
dollar

is Weekend Update correspondent
Adam Sandler. Adam?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thanks, Kevin.

Holloway is coming and
it’s always loads of fun.

But we have to remember, we’re
living in a recession

and money is tight.

So don’t go bugging your
parents for these new

overprice costumes.

There’s such a rip-off.

If you want the original,
scary Halloween costumes,

use your imagination.

What’s wrong with
just using your face.

You can go as squishy man.

Hey, I’m squishy man.

And I want some candy.

Give some candy to squishy man.

Or maybe you can
go as a G-Force man.

Hey, I’m G-Force man.

And this plane is soon going way
too fast now give me some candy.

Come on. Give it here.

You know what, I you can
just use your own tee shirt.

Go as crazy one armed man.

Hey, look at me, I only
got one arm and I’m crazy.

Now give me some candy.

For I’ll grab you
with my crazy one arm.

Or how about going as crazy
hand coming out of the neck guy.

Hey, I’m crazy hand coming
out of the neck guy.

Now give me some candy.

Don’t you think I deserve
some for being this crazy?

Or how about, going
as crazy no arm woman.

I want some candy.

Candy, candy, candy.

Everybody knows that crazy woman
with no arms just loves candy.

Now give it to me or
I’ll rip your ear off.

You can use something
that’s in your house even.

How about a spoon.

I’m crazy spoon head
and I want some candy.

I don’t have a normal head.

I’ve got a damned spoon
growing out of it.

Now give me some
crazy candy, damn it.

This spoon makes me crazy.

[audience applauding]

Or just use a plant
from somebody’s yard.

Hey, I’m crazy plant head.

How about some candy?

Come on, I’m crazy and I got
a plant coming out of my head.

Don’t leave crazy
plant head hanging.

He needs some candy, too.

Or crazy plant arm.

Hey, look at this, I got
a plant coming out of my arm.

Isn’t that bizarre?

I am crazy, I am
deformed and I am hungry.

Now give me some candy.

For it over.

How about this?

A cup head, cup head, hey,
I’m cup head, I want some candy.

Hey, give me some
candy, I’m cup head.

Something like that.

Adam Sandler,
ladies and gentlemen.

[audience cheering]

Peewee Herman was rushed to
Cedar Sinai Hospital today

after attending a Halloween
costume party as Edward
Scissorhands.

[audience cheering]

The London Times has suggested
Christopher Columbus

may have been homosexual and was
seeking a new route to Key West.

[audience laughing]

Scientists say that dinosaur
flatulence may have caused

global warming in
prehistoric times.

Responsibility for present day
global warming has been
determined to stem from

Big Al, a Cleveland auto
mechanic who just doesn’t care.

[audience laughing]

For some hints on how to
dress for your local weather,

let’s turn now to our
USA today weather map.

It’s always helpful.
If you live in the east.

You may want to break
out your yellow clothes.

Up in the north, blue or light
blue clothes and green yellow

and brown clothes
in the Midwest,

possibly a plaid ensemble.
More weather tomorrow.

Don’t forget, daylight
saving time ends tonight.

So at 2:00, set your clocks
ahead 23 hours.

If you’re in central Mountain
Time, It’s one hour back

minus the two-hour time
difference in New York City,

and those of you
in the west coast,

it’s a 3 hour time difference,
one hour back and three eggs.

I’m Kevin Nealon and
that’s news to me.

[audience cheering]

So, this place has the best
wings in all of buffalo, huh?

Yeah, that’s what they say.

I’m hungry.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, you guys ready?

I’m ready, you ready, honey?

Yeah. I’ll have
half a dozen wings.

All right.

And what kind of sauce
do you want on that?

We’ve got the mild,
medium, medium hot, hot,

and super fire hot.

I have the mild.

And you?

I’d like a dozen wings and I’ll
take the super fire hot sauce.

The super fire hot?

They’re really hot.

I’ll give it a try.

I mean, they’re
really, really hot.

I hear you but let me
give it a shot, all right?

I just want you to understand
that it’s an incredibly hot
sauce.

Is there a problem?

No, I just ordered
the super fire hot wings.

Have you had them before, sir?

Because they’re
really, really hot.

That’s what I’ve been
trying to explain to him.

Look, I appreciate your concern

but I really want the super fire
hot sauce. It’s OK, really.

We’ll be right back.

Well, that sauce
must be really hot.

I guess so.

Hi.

Hi.

I’m Ron Julian, the manager.

How you doing?

Good.

Good.

I understand that you’re
interested in ordering

the super fire hot wings?

Yes, I am.

May I have a seat?

Sure.

I think you should realize that
these wings are really hot.

I know.

I mean, they’re
really, really hot.

Well, that’s what
I’ve been told.

That’s what the waiter
there just told me.

He’s a good man.

I’m sure he is.

Can I possibly talk you into
trying our medium hot wings?

I think you’ll find it pretty
tasty and still pretty hot.

Yeah, honey, maybe you should
just get the medium hot.

No, no, no, no, look,
like I told the other guy,

I appreciate your concern but
I’m going to stick with my
original order.

The super fire hot wings?

Yes.

So, somebody could please
go get those for me,
that would be great.

All righty, Steve.

Look, why don’t you let me give
you the medium hot wings

and afterwards, if you feel
that you really want
the super fire hot wings,

I won’t stand in your way.

No.

Fair enough.

Enjoy your wings.

Geez! Not that bad.

I don’t know why they’re making
such a big deal about it.

How are the wings?

Well, they’re good. I mean,
I’m kind of surprised though,

it’s not as hot as
I thought they’d be.

Still pretty hot though, huh?

It’s just that I was
expecting something.

You know, really hot.

Well, to be honest, I took the
liberty of ordering you
the medium hot.

[audience cheering]

Now to tell me, don’t you find
them more than spicy enough?

What?

Here’s your coleslaw.

It will take the edge
off the medium hot sauce.

I didn’t order any coleslaw and
I didn’t order the medium hot
wings.

I ordered the
super fire hot wings.

All right, I’m
sorry, my apology.

Carey, could you bring
the gentleman the super fire
hot wings?

I’m sorry, I was just
looking out for you.

Honest, it was important to me
to know you really wanted

the super fire hot wings,
and now that I know,

I feel better about
the whole thing.

Here they are.

Thank you.

OK, I’m sorry, you’re right,
I gave you the medium hot wings
again.

[audience laughing]

I’m really sorry.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh please, don’t
be angry with me.

Stephen, would you bring
the release forms, please?

[audience laughing]

Sign here.

And here.

What is this, huh?

I mean, just tell me where
the super fire hot wings are
and I’ll go get them myself.

All right, all right, you win.

Here they are.

Thank you.

[music]

[Narrator:]
As Scott Hanson bit
into the chicken wings,

he’s had turned a bright beet
red and large amounts of smoke
began to billow from his ears.

Within seconds, his eyes had
become slot machine tumblers

which spun around until both
landed on the symbol for chili
peppers.

Next, bolting up from his
chair and shouting, "woo, woo"

Scott chugged around the room
like a locomotive,

finally shooting through
the roof of Ron’s Wings
And Things

and exploding high over
the Buffalo night sky.

In an ironic footnote
to this story,

the chicken wing Scott had
eaten
was only a hot wing

and not the super fire hot wing
he had ordered.

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
Good evening and welcome again

to pumping up
with Hans and Franz.

The informative training
program
for the serious weight lifter.

- Hi, welcome, we’re back.
- Hi, welcome, we’re back.

- Once again I’m Hans
- And I’m Franz.

And we are here
to pump you up.

[audience cheering]

You know, let me
tell you something,

many of you are wondering
where have we been.

Yeah, that’s right, we spent
most of the summer in movie
theaters

intensely screening
the year’s most important
culture event...

- Terminator 2.
- Terminator 2.

Yeah, that’s right.

Starring the world’s
most popular movie star.

Yeah, who just happens
to be our cousin.

Perhaps you’ve heard of him.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger.

- All right.
- That’s right.

All right, after crossing
the movie industry,

Cousin Arnold went on
a 50-state tour sponsored by
President Bush.

That’s right, and as you know,
Cousin Arnold was put in charge

of the president’s council
on physical pompitude.

[audience laughing]

No better person.

Arnold’s dream is to
create a fabulous utopia.

But alas, the girly man
is a formidable opponent.

That’s right but hear me
now and believe me later,

we can easily crush
girly man like grapes.

That’s right and make
a nice dry white wine.

[audience laughing]

- Sauvignon Girly.
- Sauvignon Girly.

[audience laughing]

That’s right.

If we were ever a wine,
we’d be ripple.

That’s right.

Yeah, nice ripple.

So you know, we followed Arnold
from state to state
to lend a helping muscle.

Yeah, take a look at this.

Next exercise is for the upper
body. They get really strong.

Some push-ups, ok?

Now for that, I’m going to have
my Cousins come out

and show you how to do it
the proper way.

Come on, Hans and Franz.

Here they are.

- Hi, Arnold, how are you?
- Hi, how are you?

Good to see you again, yeah.

OK guys, go ahead with the
program, show them now.

OK, Cousin Arnold.

But first, I’d
like to say, kids,

do not be alarmed
by our stunning musculature.

We know your tiny children
brains can’t possibly comprehend

the muscles so large
and arms so strong.

The buttocks so firm.

We know you’re traumatized right
now from the sight of us

but believe me, our
muscles do not bite.

That’s right, we put on our
weight belt the same way you do.

OK, guys, you’re not
scaring anybody, OK.

So, let’s go back, as go
back to the exercising,

that’s what we’re doing here.

Yeah, I get it,
child psychology.

All right, let’s do it.

Cousin Arnold, that’s right.

It’s very important to
know how to properly flex.

Yeah, let’s go over some
simple poses like this.

Come on, try it.
Try it, everyone.

No, no, no, guys, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold it.

There are more important
things than posing.

That’s right, that’s
right but before you pose,

it’s very important
to properly oil your body.

Yeah, that’s right, so that you
can accent your cuts and muscle
definition.

- Yeah.
- Fellows, come on.

We have to learn here
about how to exercise.

Yeah, yeah, cousin, it’s all
good to exercise but sooner
or later,

they’re going to have
to learn how to compete.

That’s right, OK now,
before you oil up,

it’s very important to
shave all your body hair.

Yeah, that’s right, we are
completely hairless, believe me.

No, no, no, no, no, listen guys,
this is not about competition.

This is about exercising.

Listen fellas, hear me
now, and believe me later.

What you’re doing here is
putting the carriage
in front of the horse.

That’s not what we want to do.

If you continue on this way.

I’m going to twist your flap
into the shape of a pacifier.

Then, I’m going to have you suck
on it until you poop

in your diapers, huh?

How about that?

Listen, we are sorry,
Cousin Arnold.

We’re sorry.

Yeah, you’re sorry,
I mean, you’re real losers.

You guys are the losers.

I mean, you’re waste.

All right, can now
please, Cousin Arnold,

can we please do the finale?

- Please? Please?
- All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, Cousin Arnold.

All right.

[music]

All right, that was beautiful.

Yeah, six perfectly formed.

[audience cheering]

Yeah, I love the way those
pectoral were just dancing

the right away.

That’s right.

All right, kids,
one more lesson.

These are your muscles.

Yeah, and these are your
muscles on steroids.

Yeah, any questions?

All right, until
next time, he’s Hans.

And he is Franz.

And we just want
to pump you up!

[audience cheering]

[Announcer:]
This has been pumping
up with Hans and Franz.

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, I can
do Jack Nicholson.

Oh, great, do it.

Excuse me,

but I ordered the chicken
salad sandwich on weed toast.

Now, if you can’t help me,
I’ll call nurse Ratchet.

Here’s Johnny.

Jack Nicholson never holds
his hand on his head.

Yeah, I just don’t buy it.

It happens so often.

You’re impersonating
Jack Nicholson,

you have to keep pulling
your hair back

undermining the dead on routine
you so carefully honed.

Well, now you can imitate
Jack, unhindered with Nich-Aid.

Nich-Aid scientifically
designed
system of high speed blowers

keeps your hair pulled back
like Jack’s,

leaving your hands free
the way Jack’s are.

Nich-Aid is portable and
lightweight and no one
will notice.

I know I never would have made
through Heathers without it.

[audience laughing]

Wait till they get a load of me.

[laughing]

Hey, who’s the guy with
the really convincing Nicholson
impersonation?

Where does he get
those wonderful toys.

Thanks, Nich-Aid.

[Narrator:]
Nich-Aid, you’re doing jack
and your hair’s pulled back.

Not affiliated
with Jack Master 2000.

[audience cheering]

I’d like to thank
everybody for tuning in.

I had the greatest experience.
Thanks, Bonny Rate.

[audience cheering]

I had the greatest
week of my life.

This was
an unbelievable experience.

And now, Bonny Rate and
I are going to do a duet,

one with John MacLauchlan.

We’re going to
sing, that’s life,

wonderful frank Sinatra tune.

I’ll start it off.

- That’s life.
- That’s life.

[audience cheering]

[music]