Original subtitles

(Music)

All right, we are back.

(Cheers and applause)

We are back, we are back we are having some fun, all right,

in case you just joined us, this is our 29th and final

anniversary show, our last one.

We’re just having fun.

Yes.

I mean, this is it, so we’re just kind of hanging loose,

just letting it flow.

Free and easy.

(Laughter)

Okay, okay, now, we’re here with miss victoria Jackson.

Hi, Johnny.

How are you, dear?

Victoria, before the commercial, you were telling us

that you are in the middle of the divorce, is that it?

Yes, I’m getting a divorce from my husband.

I know. And he’s a fire eater.

Yeah, and so anyway---

Yeah, and you wrote a poem about it.

Is that it?

Yeah, I wrote a poem, it’s called Alomony

And I bet you’re going to by Victstand on your head, too?

True, is that it?

Well, I was going to---

Look, just get the hell off, OK?

(Laughter)

It’s just boring already. I mean, you come in here---

Give it a rest. (Laughs)

That’s right.

You come on here, you’re after, it’s just the same thing.

Not cute, anymore. (Laughs)

All right, Miss Victoria Jackson, everybody.

(Applause)

I mean, the hell with it, Ed, I’m out of here in May,

I can just say what I want.

Yes.

I mean, what are they going to do about it?

I’m gone.

(Laughter)

All right, all right now, it’s time to run another

of our favorite clip from the past.

As you know, Joan Embraer, of the San Diego zoo,

is a frequent guest on our show.

This is one time in 1981 when, well, nature took its course,

things got up, they get a little wild, so,

just watch your monitors, watch it at home.

Well, what kind of an animal is this?

This is known as a bush baby, Johnny.

They live in Madagascar, in the wild.

Well, I think he likes me.

I think he’s sort of---

(Laughter and applause)

You should be drinking, Ed.

(Laugh)

(Laughter and applause)

That is wild.

(Cheers and applause)

That is funny, funny stuff.

You know, I’m sorry but let’s see our friend, Jay Leno,

come up with that kind of stuff.

Yes. (Laughs)

I’m sorry, there I go again but what the hell, I’m sorry,

I just don’t see people tuning in for Jay Leno.

No, sir.

I mean, he’s got that sort of a weird face,

kind of, unattractive.

Lantern jawed freak.

(Laughter and applause)

I mean, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn’t it?

Dick Tracy villain, yes.

That’s right, boy, this I got to tell you, this feels great,

just to say whatever you want, it feels good, doesn’t it, Ed?

Yes.

Now, is there anything, anything you want to say,

just get off your chest, go right ahead.

You’re the one who had the drinking problem.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, that’s OK, well I guess it’s true.

It just seems funnier for you to be well,

I’m glad you feel better.

Feels cathartic, yes, sir.

All right, OK, well, here’s another clip.

This is a clip from 1972, it’s Burt Reynolds,

John Della Wes and myself.

We just kind of - we got a little silly,

some nights you just go off.

I don’t know what started it but things got just a little weird.

Anyway, just watch your monitor and let’s take a look.

(Fooling themselves) (Laughing)

(Laughing)

That is whoopy.

(Cheers and applause)

That is some weird wild stuff.

That is funny, I did not know that would be so funny.

Any case, if you just joined us, we’re looking at some

anniversary show clips and then I’m sorry but more and more

I just don’t see the big deal about Jay Leno.

Have you notice, Ed, he’s only got one move.

It’s that whole---

(Imitating Jay Leno) "Yeah, talking up high"

then he talks low thing and that’s it, that’s it,

right there.

One trick pony, yes sir.

That’s right.

(Music)

(Applause)

Well, Ed, look what the cat dragged in.

How you doing, Johnny?

It’s good to see you, good to see you.

Hey.

Jay, you got something for me, is that what this is?

You got a little something?

Well, yeah, Johnny, I get you a little certificate

I made up here for you.

(Laughter)

It says, to the King of late night, the king of late night,

it says, there will never be another.

That’s nice, Jay.

That’s nice, Jay.

Is it two ply because I could use it later to wipe my butt?

(Laughs funny)

That’s good, that’s good, you’re kidding, that’s good.

It’s funny, no, it’s good.

I mean, you know how I feel about you, Johnny.

I am, you know---

King of the brown noses, yeah.

(Laughter)

Let me tell you, come on, it’s time to tell the folks at home

that you’re kidding.

Oh, sure, Jay, I guess you and your grotesque jaw

got just what you wanted, is that it?

Johnny, come on, Johnny.

Johnny.

You know something, Ed, you know something, Ed,

I’m having more fun than I’ve had in years.

Pressure is off, I feel good.

Folks, what you say I stick around

for about five more years?

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause)

That is wild, that feels good but I guess,

I guess the people have spoken.

Jay, I hope you understand, you can hit the road for---

Jay?

Screw you, screw you, we made a deal, you stupid old man.

I made a deal, give me back my certificate.

I’m leaving, I’m getting out of here, I’m going over to ABC,

that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll get more money than both of you.

You’ll see, I’m going to be rich, rich, rich---

(Cheers)

(Laughs)

(Cheers and applause)

That is wild.

Did you see that, Ed?

Yes sir.

Now in case, you just joined us, Jay Leno has shrunk.

I do not know that people could shrink.

I did not know that but I do know this,

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

(Music) (Cheers and applause)

It’s Saturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Victoria Jackson,

Mike Myers,

Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock

Julia Sweeney

with Ellen Clegg Horn

Chevon Fallon

Tim Meadow

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

David Spade

and featuring Al Franken,

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live band.

Musical guest, Color Me Bad

And starring, Jeff Daniels.

(Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Daniels.

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Lorne, Lorne, Lorne

Jeff, Jeff, what happened?

I don’t know, I don’t know, I came off the door, you know,

I looked at the audience, I was trying to relate to the audience

and I didn’t know what to do.

You know, it was over so fast, I don’t think anyone noticed.

Oh no, oh no, I just choked, I choked, you know,

all the other hosts, they come out here, confidence and all,

they got that little skip in their walk,

they are into the music.

They relate to the audience, you know, they got that kind

of, genuine thing that you just can’t rehearse, you know,

I just---

You’re joking, right?

No.

Denny, come on over here.

Jeff is having trouble with the monologue.

What?

Yeah.

Why don’t you just walk him through it.

Oh, I can’t believe they didn’t show you this.

Alright, okay.o one told me about this.

It’s really easy, it’s basically eight moves for the host,

all right, Pardo says your name "Ladies and gentlemen,

Jeff Daniels."

Right?

You open the door, you lead off with a right.

Then you do kind of a cool run. You’re going by the bay,

Cool run!

do a celebrity skip.

Celebrity skip!

Celebrity skip, that’s right.

Now, turn to the band and do a pigeon neck.

Pigeon neck! Pigeon neck!

Yeah, pigeon neck Shows happening, that’s good.

Turn to the crowd, there you are, there you are,

There you are!

There you are, or if you want, falling star---

Falling star!

Falling star, good, almost too good.

This way now, back to the band, a little bit here comes the

plane, here comes the plane

Here comes the plane!

Yeah, you’re happy, you’re happy.

Here comes the plane!

OK, now you come back, trained seal.

Trained seal!

Love you people, trained seal.

Now, this is optional, a lot of hosts like to go---

open the fridge right at the end,

Open the fridge!

That’s right.

Open the fridge, yeah, you got it.

Then you’re free to do whatever you want.

Anything I want?

Anything?

Can I...Arsenio?

No.

OK, OK, so it’s cool run, celebrity skip,

it’s the pigeon neck, it’s there you are, it’s falling star,

it’s bringing the plane, bringing the plane,

that’s trained seals, and then it’s open the fridge.

Right, that’s it, go get ’em OK,

Lorne, I’m going to,

let me just try it again, OK?

And Jeff, if you want, you can go woo woo!

Woo woo?

OK, thanks.

Yeah.

(Cheers and applause) (Music)

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Daniels.

(Cheers and applause)

Trained seal, trained seal!

(Music and applause)

(Cheers and applause)

Woo woo!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much.

That was a piece of cake.

We have a great show tonight.

Color Me Bad is here.

(Cheers and applause)

There you are, there you are.

And we’ll be right back.

Trained seal, trained seal, trained seal, trained seal,

Open the fridge, open the fridge, open the fridge.

Aren’t the beautiful?

Yeah.

(Baby mumbles)

I never thought I could love anything so much.

Do you worry about the kind of world they’re going to live in?

Of course.

I try to do whatever I can.

Recycle, by the right diapers.

But, Nan, isn’t Zach wearing a disposable diaper?

Sarah, we use Earthies.

You just don’t throw them away.

You plant them.

Earthies are the only diapers lined with seeds.

(Woman speaking) When planted, Earthies unique absorbent liner protects

the young seedlings as it begins to grow.

In a short time, an ear of corn

emerges from the diaper enriched soil.

And that’s something you and your baby can be proud of.

Corn for boys and pumpkins for girls.

And I’ve been using cloth diapers.

Hey, what are the moms up to?

Nothing, just solving the world’s problems, that’s all.

Hey man, great corn.

(Music) (Laughter)

Great diapers.

(Woman speaking) Earthies, the bountiful diaper.

Protects their bottom, protects their planet.

(Man speaking) From Del Monty.

(Cheers and applause)

Tom.

Tommy---

(Loud cheers and applause)

The Tom Meister, making copies.

Hey Richard.

Senor Tomasito, St. Tom of St. Thomas Cathedral.

Later, Rich

Tommy.

How you doing, Richard?

The Steve-o-nator, back from vacation.

The guy with the tan.

The tan meister.

(Soft laughter)

Yeah, I did get a little sun.

Tan-o-rama.

Admiral von tan Houser of the SS Coppertone.

(Laughter)

Monsieur Bane de Soleil.

Hi, Richard.

Hey, Richard.

Sandy, the sandstress.

Sandytized for your protection.

(Laughter)

Sandy.

Hey, Rich.

Larry.

* Richard, Richard Lamer King, a wild frontier. *

Steve, I’d like you to meet Larry Hanson.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Steve just got back from the Bahamas.

* Steve Levin was a man was a big man. *

* Bought for America, to keep all of America free. *

It’s nice to meet you.

(Laughter)

(Singing on Storm,by Beethoven) *Steven Levin, Steven Levin.*

* Steven Levin, Levin, Levin, Levin, Steven Levin, Levin. *

So, he’s the new guy you were talking about huh?

Yeah.

And does he not get along with Richard?

I think Richard feels threatened by him.

(Laughter)

That’s silly.

It seems to me they do completely different things.

Rich does the variations on the names, whereas Larry---

based on what I’ve seen, sings the names.

I know, but Rich just feels the whole name thing is his area.

I’ll try to talk to him.

Ok.

(Laughter)

Rich, the Rich Meister.

(Low voice) Steve.

You have nothing to worry about.

Steve O

(Laughter)

You and Larry are completely different.

There’s no problem.

You’re far more creative.

(Becomes curious) Steve.

Yes you are.

(Cheered up) Steve.

(Laughter)

See you later, Rich Meister.

Larry, checking out the files.

* Richard, Richard Lamer was a big man--- *

Randy, the Rand man.

* Oh, Randy, you came and you gave without taking, *

* but I’ve sent you away, Oh, Randy. *

Hey Larry, hey Richard.

(Laughter)

Just making some copies.

* Randy, Randy Thompson, king of the wild frontier. *

Randy tola, Rand Mcnally, the Randibulator.

* Randy Thompson was a man *

(Cross talk)

Stop it. I’m trying to make some copies.

Just give me some peace, honestly.

Randy wants some peace.

The Rand Man, the peacester.

(Cross talk)

Shut up!

Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here,

but this is ridiculous.

And you guys should be friends.

You’re both equally irritating.

(Laughter)

Larry.

(Singing Beatles, "Hey Jude") *Hey, Rich, don’t make it bad.*

* Larry Hanson was a man, was a big man... *

The Rich Meister making friends with the Larry -Nator.

Clearing the air with the rich man.

Larry Hanson.

Richarrama!

(Cross talking)

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you, thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Well, we have two find community colleges here today,

representing two very different parts of the country.

First, our returning champions from Jasper county South Dakota,

Jasper County Community College.

(Cheers and applause)

All right, and representing queen’s New York,

the challengers from Belt Parkway Community College.

(Loud cheers and applause)

OK, let’s just start a game with math for 100.

According to the Pythagorean Theorem,

A squared plus B squared equals?

Equals what?

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

C squared.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared.

OK, let’s continue on with history.

History, for 100.

These two axis powers were our enemies during World War Two.

(Laughter)

Our enemies during world war two.

(Buzzer)

Germany and Japan, Germany and Japan.

We also would have accepted Italy.

(Laughter)

Tell you what, let’s, last week, we met our champions

from Jasper County, why don’t we say hello

to our challengers from Belt Parkway.

First---

(Loud cheers and applause)

First, our captain Chandra Waring.

I understand you’ll tell us a little bit

about Bell Parkway community college.

Mr. Pythagorean, it would be my pleasure.

(Music)

The campus of Belt Parkway community college is located

at 1289 Jamaica boulevard, Queens New York.

Our library, located on the third floor,

contains books from many famous authors

and will reopen next fall,

after being closed three years for asbestos removal.

That athletic facility located on the sixth floor include

a weight room boasting a Stairmaster.

Our auto body shop

is the second largest training facility of its kind

in Queens and with the recent acquisition

of a PAC man, our student lounge provides a place

for students to be themselves,

in a relaxing and comfortable environment.

Belt Parkway community college is NSRA approved

and AICS accredited,

Federal and state grants and loans available,

veteran approved, MasterCard and visa.

Thank you, Chandra.

Now, your major is---

My major is travel agent technology.

(Laughter)

Oh, a travel agent, that’s a good way to see the world.

Yes, but mostly I just like writing out the tickets.

OK, OK, let’s move on down to Andre Jefferson.

Andre, your majoring in?

My major is dry cleaning with a minor in pressing.

(Laughter)

OK, and Joey Fusco.

Scalp care.

(Laughter)

Scalp care, all right.

(Laughter and applause)

Let’s get back to our game and geography for 100.

William Shakespeare refer to this island as---

"This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this---"

This... what?

(Laughter)

Shakespeare’s home island.

Jolly old---

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

England.

This realm is England.

OK, let’s try U.S. presidents for 100.

Our third president,

he authored the declaration of independence

and was responsible for the Louisiana Purchase.

Our third president.

Washington Adams

(Bell rings once)

Belt Parkway, Jefferson

Jefferson.

Jefferson, yes, all right. (Bell rings)

(Wild cheers and applause)

All right.

You’re on the board, OK, OK,

Belt Park Way, you won the toss up

on U.S. presidents, now you get to confer,

confer on the following questions

and you’ll have 20 seconds.

Now, the only president to serve more than two terms.

He was the father of the new deal.

(Clock ticking)

Father of the new deal.

(Laughter)

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

I’m sorry, Belt Parkway.

Jasper, can you take it?

Forget it, never mind.

(Laughter)

(Clears throat loud)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, FDR, all right, all right,

Belt Parkway, you get to pick now the subject

and the dollar value.

Let’s try math for 500.

Math for 500?

(Laughter)

How about math for 200.

They get harder the higher you go and its---

Math for 500.

All right.

OK, all right, a 160 kg mass is suspended

from a movable pulley, is to be lifted

using two stationary pulleys. If the first stationary pulley

is half the diameter of the second stationary pulley,

how much force is required to lift the weight?

(Laughter)

(Buzzer)

800 newton’s.

It would require 800 newton’s of force.

Belt Parkway, I guess, I guess

you’ve still control the board--- (Buzzer)

Uh oh, well, that’s the end of the game.

Belt Parkway wins, 100 to nothing.

(Cheers and applause)

Belt Parkway community college, our new champions.

Sorry, Jasper County, but you do take away

the $100 you won last week.

Next week, we’ll see you next week,

Belt Parkway here at another exciting community college bowl

and remember friends, a two year colleges still college.

Bye everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)

Hi, I’m Chris Farley and this is the Chris Farley show

and tonight I’m hosting Jeff Daniels,

one of the greatest actors around, I guess.

God, I hate doing this part, man.

I never know what to say.

No, no you’re doing fine, Chris.

You’re doing good.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I’m not!

Anyway, Mr. Daniels has done the Purple Rose of Cairo,

Terms of Endearment, Arachnophobia,

and Something Wildwhich is an awesome flick.

Oh, thanks, thank you.

You remember in Something Wild when Melanie Griffith

had you handcuffed to the bed, remember that?

Yeah.

And you had to make that phone call, remember?

And you’re chained to the thing, you couldn’t get away.

Yeah, yeah, I remember, yeah.

That was awesome.

(Laughter and applause)

OK, so you were also in the Purple Rose of Cairo.

Yeah, yeah, I was, yeah.

Remember when you were doing your movie and Mia Farrow

was watching and you came down off the screen and talk to her

and you were in black and white when you’re on the screen,

but then, when you talk to her, you’re in color?

Yeah, what about it?

You remember that?

(Laughter)

Yes, yeah.

That won some awards, didn’t it?

No, not really.

Ugh, God damn it, what an idiot!

(Laughter)

I’m sorry.

You’re doing another movie, what’s that called?

The Butcher’s Wife with Demi Moore.

Oh yeah, Demi Moore, she’s married to Bruce Willis, right?

Yeah, uh huh.

Did you see Die Hard?

(Laughter and applause)

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Remember when we had to cross all that broken glass

without his shoes on and there’s nothing he could do about it,

so he just walked on broken glass with his bare feet?

Yes, uh huh.

(Laughter)

Did you like that?

(Laughter)

Yes.

Yeah, I did too, that was awesome.

(Laughter)

OK, we’re going to open up the lines now.

If you want to talk to Jeff Daniels.

OK, there’s someone on the line, hello?

(Woman speaking) Hello?

Hello?

Yeah, is Jeff Daniels there?

Yeah, he’s right here, go ahead, yeah.

Hello.

Yeah, Jeff, my name is Dawn.

Do you remember that scene in Arachnophobia, when you went

into that barn and you found that big spider?

Yes.

And you figured out why there were all these spiders

everywhere?

Yes, I was in that scene, I remember.

Oh well, yeah, it was great.

Thank you.

(Laughter)

You sound familiar, did you call in last week

when Arnold Schwarzenegger was on the show?

Oh yeah, that was me.

You remember when you asked him if he remembered if he---

when he said I’ll be back in both Terminators.

Yeah.

That was great.

Yeah, that was great, yeah.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, thanks for calling.

OK.

(Busy tone)

Oh, wait a minute, the stage guy is waving at me.

Oh, we’re out of time.

That’s what it means when he waves like that.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when you’re doing the show

and I didn’t see you waving.

Well, that’s it for this week’s show.

Thank you to Jeff Daniels.

One of the greatest actors of our time.

God, I hate trying to end these things.

I suck at that.

Was that OK?

No, no, you’re doing good, you did fine, you did fine.

OK, I hope so!

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking) Weekend update

with Kevin Nealon.

(Cheers and applause)

Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon and I am an alcoholic.

(Laughter)

Our lead story tonight involves the health of the president

of the United States.

More on that after this.

A man who was described as a Hispanic male in his mid 40’s

called police today and said he was in fact,

a fat Asian teenager.

And now back to our lead story.

(Soft laughter)

After receiving a clean deal of health,

president Bush had resume his normal activity.

Pitching horseshoes, his daily road running,

followed by 18 holes of golf, a few sets of tennis,

a little basketball, topped off by a 1000 foot bungee jump.

That’s amazing.

While speaking to a group of high school students in Houston,

Barbara Bush surprised everyone present when she bragged openly

that she never leaves the house without her diaphragm.

(Laughter and applause)

CIA nominee Robert Gates took the stand again yesterday,

denied all allegations of cover and asked the senate committee,

"Is this the face of a liar?"

(Laughter)

A bad week for the house of representatives

after it was revealed that the house members

had skipped out on their bills at the house restaurant

to the tune of $600,000.

An audit also revealed that 138 representatives

have bounced checks at the house bank.

Today, more revelations, 23 house members

have admitted to car thefts.

Georgia representative Newt Gingrich shoplifted

a canned ham, some pantyhose, and a pack of Coors

at a Washington convenience store.

(Laughter)

Arkansas governor Bill Clinton made his decision

to run for president official

during an announcement rally last Thursday.

He will be the tallest candidate yet.

(Laughter and applause)

In Russia, Muscovites lined up for hours in Red Square to buy

a copy of Guns and Roses new album Use Your Illusion Two.

(Laughter and applause)

Tomorrow night, NBC will air a four par documentary on Greece,

you’re not going to believe all the fraternity houses

they have there, big college dots, big college dots.

(Laughter)

In the wake of Soviet reform, Russia’s Leningrad

officially changed its name back to Saint Petersburg.

Thousands of college students are expected to flock there

for spring break.

(Laughter and applause)

In a related story, Florida Saint Petersburg will change

its name to Leningrad.

Local residents are anticipating long lines this winter.

(Laughter)

Israelis are conducting tests on urination and stress.

Here, a west bank control group

tries to complete the final phase of the study.

(Laughter)

United Nations inspectors flew helicopter missions

to search for SCUD missiles in Iraq

for the first time this week.

Although the inspectors found no SCUD,

they did find Waldo three times.

(Laughter)

Well, the 1992 presidential campaign is upon us

and this year, Weekend Update political correspondent Al Franken

will be keeping an eye on the race for the White House.

Al?

Thank you, Kevin.

(Applause)

Well, the 1992 race for the White House has started,

I, for one, couldn’t be more excited.

Now, to be fair, I should tell you at the outset,

that I am a lifelong democrat, which is what

I really wanted to talk about tonight.

See, it used to be fairly common in this country for a young man

or woman, to start out as a democrat and then as he or she

got older and more established, at some point,

to start voting republican.

Winston Churchill said it this way,

"Show me a young man who is conservative

"and I’ll show you a man with no heart.

"Show me an old man who is a liberal

and I’ll show you a man with no brain."

(Soft laughter)

I put it this way---

Show me an old man who is a conservative

and I’ll show you a man that’s made some serious money.

(Laughter)

And as co-producer, writer and sometime performer on the show

I’m doing very well, thank you.

I’m not going to tell you exactly what I make.

I want you to like me, not resent me.

But let’s say, what I get paid, considering what it is

that I really do, is obscene.

(Laughter)

I mean, it’s not Leno money, it’s not even Carvey money

but, compared to someone who really works for a living, well,

it’s just sick.

Now, in the old days, someone making what I earn, I’m sorry,

making what I make, would at some point,

switch to the Republican Party.

And I think that must have been a very embarrassing moment

for our parents’ generation.

Yeah, I used to be a new deal democrat but you know,

I kind of like this Nixon guy.

Well, fortunately, I’ve been spared that embarrassment,

because for the last 10 years, I’ve had the luxury of being

a democrat and seeing my taxes cut

by a republican president, sure,

but also by a democratic Congress.

Like everyone in the top 1% of income and believe me,

I’m safely in the top 1% of income.

We have seen our after tax income increase 58% since 1981

as compared to the rest of you

who have seen your after-tax income go down.

And all with a democratic Congress.

All right.

OK.

So, the 1992 presidential campaign.

We’re going to lose and lose bad.

I’m for Harkin because I can say I’m

for the old democratic values and he’ll lose, you know,

really badly and things will continue pretty much

as they’ve been which is fine with me.

I’m Al Franken.

(Applause)

Al, that was kind of cynical, wasn’t it?

Well, Kevin, a man once said that a cynic

is someone who knows the price of everything,

but the value of nothing.

So, yeah.

Interesting, thank you, Al.

Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen.

(Applause)

Last week, I erroneously reported that Bo Derek

underwent to face lifts, a breast augmentation,

and a tummy tuck.

That was Iraq.

(Laughter)

as an year old mummy was discovered this week

frozen in a glacier high in the Austrian Alps.

Researchers theorized that the cause of his death was a fall

resulting from inaccurate tension settings on his Salomon

444 ski bindings.

(Laughter)

Elizabeth Taylor will marry tomorrow for the eighth time.

Here’s Liz with his fiancée, Larry Fortenski.

Ask if she’s keeping her own mean,

Liz said the she’s taking a tip from Roseanne Barr

and will change her name to Elizabeth Arnold.

(Laughter)

Michael Jackson’s trademark beaded white glove

was reported stolen this past Tuesday

from the Motown museum in Detroit.

Yesterday, however, a relieved spokesman for the museum

called and said---

"Never mind,there was only one glove to begin with."

(Laughter)

Also reported missing was Latoya Jackson’s career.

No reward is being offered.

(Laughter and applause)

Doctors have determined that drinking,

even one beer in the midst of breastfeeding,

can deter a child from feeding.

It seems that even the smallest those of alcohol

can make your breast silly, drunk

and wobbly, knocking the baby in the head

and preventing it from feeding.

(Laughter and applause)

Thursday marks the 40th anniversary of Bobby Thomson’s

shot heard around the world.

That dramatic home run that clinched the National League

Pennant for the New York Giants.

Let’s listen to announcer Russ Hodges during call.

(Stadyum crowd cheering)

(Russ Hodges speaking) One strike pitch, Frankie delivers,

swing and a long fly ball deep to left field and it’s gone.

Home run.

Giants win the pennant, game over.

Final score, New York five, Brooklyn four.

Today’s game, brought to you by Rangel beer,

Rangel, old buddy beer.

It seemed more exciting when I was a kid, oh well.

In England, large circular and geometrical patterns

found in wheat field have mystified experts four years.

Some claim the phenomenon to be a hoax

while others claim it to be the works of alien spacecraft.

Closer to home, just outside of Cleveland Ohio,

thousands of curious spectators backed up traffic for miles

to get a glimpse of a similar mysterious pattern.

Eddie Lee Armstrong said it’s not a hoax,

he doesn’t know how it got there.

Experts are expected to fly in and investigate.

(Soft laughter)

In financial news, spokesmen have announced

the merger of two prominent frozen yogurt distributors.

The Country’s Best Yogurt TCBA, and I can’t believe it’s yogurt.

The new company will be known as

I Can’t Believe It’s The Country’s Best Yogurt.

(Laughter and applause)

While speaking to new Yorkers in central park this week,

Billy Graham accused local residents

of running away from God.

In defense, the crowd claimed

they mistook the Lord for a mugger.

(Laughter and applause)

Under pressure from the studios, Spike Lee will be changing

the title of his in the works film from Malcolm X

to Malcolm NC17.

(Soft laughter)

On a sad note, the man who invented the severe tire damage

parking lot spikes died recently of a heart attack.

A hospital spokesman said he would have lived had

the ambulance not had to go all the way around

to the south entrance of the hospital’s parking lot.

(Laughter and applause)

Abu Dhabi, the country that harbors the scandal ridden

financial institution BCCI headquarters announced today

that it will be changing its name to Abu Dhabi doo

and its capital, the Bedrock.

(Laughter)

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

(Music and applause)

(Intercom buzz)

Yeah?

Mr. Clark, Mr. Jansen is here to see you.

Send him in, please.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Clark?

Yes, Tom, please sit down.

How long have you been working in the design department?

About a month, sir.

Well then, maybe you don’t know that we generally

like to stick to the tried and true,

when it comes to novelty items.

For instance, did you design this fake robber vomit?

(Slams object on wooden table)

Yes, sir.

Well, first of all, why did you make it so big?

I mean, someone wouldn’t vomit this much vomit, would they?

I guess I just thought, you know,

more vomit would be funnier.

(Laughter)

And why did you put this whole sandwich in it?

(Laughter and applause)

As a joke, it is a joke thing, right?

Yeah but - well, let’s move on.

Maybe you can tell me what this is.

Oh.

(Laughter)

Oh. That’s the fake log through the head.

Well, I’m familiar with the arrow through the head,

but a log, how would you even get a log through the head?

Well, say, you were out chopping some firewood and after you chop

a piece, you were throwing it all around to this big pile

and just then guy walked by and hit him on the head.

(Laughter)

That actually happened to me, that’s how I got it.

Yeah, but it wouldn’t go through your head, would it?

(Laughter)

No, but that’s why it’s funny. (Laughs)

(Laughter)

Finally,

I was curious about this fake ice cube you designed.

Instead of having a fly in it,

it has a tiny little shrunken head.

(Laughter)

I guess I’m at a Las to understand, first of all,

how a head could get this small

and then somehow get into an ice cube.

Well, to be honest with you, Mr. Clark, I really don’t know,

I just thought it would be scarier than a fly.

Tom, I’m sorry but I’m afraid

we’re going to have to let you go.

It’s not quite working out.

OK, I understand, Mr. Clark.

Could I give you this cigar?

Well, thanks, Tom, that’s very nice of you.

Uh here, let me light it for you.

(Explosion)

So, an extra powerful exploding cigar, I like it.

No, I love it.

Jansen, you’re back on the payroll.

Oh.

Thanks, Mr. Clark, but I don’t want to be paid in joke money.

(Both laugh)

(Cheers and applause)

You know what it is, Glenn, Howard just doesn’t care.

All he’s interested in is what he can get out of a deal.

He doesn’t care who’s inconvenience it is.

Really. Well, he’s just, you know,

he’s going through that tough divorce.

Oh no, no, no believe me, but you know,

you think the guy would have a little consideration.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like Howard,

he’s a dear friend of mine, right?

I do anything for him it’s just that, you know...

No, no, no I know, I know.

Say you’re going up to the lake this week?

No, no, Hank screwed up the boat, he’s such a jerk.

I specifically told him not to use it, of course he does,

he runs into a sandbar.

He has no respect for my stuff.

You know what, I don’t respect him.

Really?

Absolutely, I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the guy.

I’d give him the shirt off my back,

there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him, it’s just that,

you know---

Oh no, I know, I know, I understand, he’s a great guy.

Hey guys, how are you doing?

What time’s our tee off, are they backed up?

Yeah but ½ hour.

Kremlin doesn’t move them along fast enough.

What the hell is wrong with him, you know,

the guy never does his job.

He’s useless, you know, well, he never did do his job.

The guy is more senile than a, you know, I don’t know what.

Come on, come on, Kurt, he’s doing his best.

Hey, if that’s his best, I’d hate to see his worst, you know.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know, he’s a wonderful man.

I love him like a father.

I’d take a bullet in the heart for the guy.

it’s just that you know---

Oh no, oh no, I understand.

Of course, of course, absolutely.

Where is Randy?

I thought he was joining us today.

Yeah, that’s what we thought, too.

Yeah, but when has Randy ever kept his word?

That guy doesn’t have an ounce of integrity in his body.

Just for the record, I didn’t invite him here today.

I wouldn’t give him the right time of day.

Wait a minute, I thought you and Randy

were like really good friends.

Oh no, no, no, trust me, the guy is swine.

I mean don’t get me wrong, you know, I love Randy,

he’s like a brother to me, I worship the ground he walks on,

I’d throw my body in the mud to keep his shoes clean.

You know, is just that, you know---

Oh no, no, no, I understand.

Damn it, if we don’t tee off soon,

I don’t know how we’ll be able to go nine.

Really, why?

I got to meet with that new contractor.

What happened to Nick?

Oh, you mean, Nick the thief?

Nick the liar, that son of a bitch overbilled me 20 grand.

I should kick his ass.

He’s a real backstabber, trust me.

Now wait a minute, aren’t you guys good buddies?

You were happy with Nick.

He’s scum.

He is scum.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know,

there’s no one I care more about in the planet than Nick,

you know, if he were dirty, I’d lick him clean with my tongue

and I apologize for not having a towel to dry him with.

It’s just that, you know---

No, no, no, no I understand,

Say no more, I understand.

Uh huh.

Kurt, poker tomorrow night at Roy’s, if you’re interested.

Can’t make it.

You’re not crazy about Roy?

Oh no, no, no I like Roy.

I like Roy.

He’s a son of a bitch but I like him, you know---

No, no, no it’s not Roy, it’s my brother in law.

I got to help him move.

Too bad.

Yeah, that pain in the ass is sleeping in our couch

for the last week.

You know, that guy is nothing more

than a freeloading leech, sucking user.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, you know, I idolize Charlie,

you know, I’d hold him to my breast and suckle him

like a newborn calf, if I needed to do that to him.

You know, I’d massage the guy in oil for 2 hours

and then let him lather me up and

then ride me like a big boy.

(Laughter)

Yeah.

It’s just you know, I mean, you know what I’m saying---

No, no, no, I don’t think we know---

what you’re talking about here.

What are you talking about?

Ride me like a big boy?

(Laughter)

What are you? Some kind of a pervert?

I don’t get it.

Guys, wait, I’m talking figuratively here.

I’m serious, Kurt, maybe you better leave.

We’re not enjoying your company.

Yeah, get out of here, you freak, what is that?

Seriously.

Come on, guys, I was just trying to make a point.

No, yeah, we got your point, we got your point.

Ride me like a big boy.

(Laughter)

Fine, suit yourself.

Man, has he changed or what?

He’s definitely changed.

I always thought he had a problem.

I saw it all along.

He’s changed, he needs a little therapy.

He’s a freak, he gives me the willies.

(Laughter)

He’s just dirty. Oh.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like Kurt, you know,

I give him a sponge bath in rock him to sleep if I had to.

Oh yeah, right, I mean, I’d dress up like a woman

and talk dirty to him, if he wanted me to.

Yeah, I’d shave my legs and wear pomps and squeal like a pig

if the guy wanted--- You know what I mean?

Me, too.

Me too, absolutely, no, no, I understand.

I understand, sure.

(Man speaking) Number 23.

Oh great, that’s us.

OK.

Oh, here comes Lenny.

Please, I’m not talking to Lenny.

(Cheers and applause)

(Man speaking) It’s BBC 1 and it’s 5:00.

(Flat tone)

I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode

of who’s the Cheeky chappy.

And before that, I hope you enjoyed the history

of chain mail with Lester Biggins.

And now, boys and girls, it’s time to visit our little friend

Simon.

(Music box)

* Well, you know my name is Simon. *

* And I like to do drawings. *

* I like to draw all day long. *

* So, come and do drawings with me. *

* Come and do drawings with me. *

Hello, my name is Simon.

I like to do drawings.

(Laughter)

I am in my bath now.

So, don’t look at my bum.

Don’t look at my bum, that’s it.

bum looker, cheeky monkey.

(Laughter)

All right, today, we’re going to look at what I did

during my summer holidays through drawings.

Now, normally, I go somewhere lovely with my mommy,

but last year, my mommy decided to go away

and live with the angels.

So, this year, my daddy made plans to go to Greece,

but not with me.

Instead, he went with my aunty who sleeps over.

(Laughter)

Her name is Candy.

She’s ever so young and pert.

(Laughter)

So, he went to Greece and I got sent to summer camp

in Aberfant, Whales, the scene of that famous mining disaster

in which all of the children in the town were killed

in a freak slag heap accident.

Still, camp was ever so nice.

Do you want to see a drawing of it?

Do you?

Do you want to see a drawing?

(Crowd alltogether) Yes.

Only if you promise not to look at my bum.

Little cheeky monkey.

All right, then.

All right, here it is.

All right, this is a drawing of all the other kids

doing an egg and spoon race.

I drew this from my room at the infirmary.

On the first day I had to go to camp hospital,

because the doctor said I had scurvy,

(Laughter)

because I wasn’t getting enough vitamin C.

All right then, here’s another drawing, all right,

this is a drawing of the camp during Friend Day.

I didn’t get a friend on Friend Day,

because all the other children thought

they would catch scurvy from me.

Silly, all right.

OK, and this, do you know what this is?

Do you?

Do you know what this is?

This is a drawing of my little white English bum.

(Laughter)

That’s the close as you’re going to looking at my bum,

bum lookers, all of you.

All right.

(Laughter)

All right.

After a month, camp was over

and my daddy was supposed to come pick me up.

He didn’t.

Eventually, I was picked up by my real aunty, Enid.

She never did marry or have children.

Daddy says she’s a bitter barren spinster.

I don’t think she likes little boys.

Still, my aunty Enid had an American style barbecue for me.

(Soft laughter)

Unfortunately, a spark flew from the grill

and landed on the roof causing our house to catch fire.

See, that’s the fire brigade, they saved me.

Eventually, my daddy came and picked me up a few months later.

Mind you, you can’t blame him.

I mean, Greece is the cradle of western civilization.

And what with Candy being so pert and all.

Well, it’s time to go, I’m starting to get prune hands.

I can’t do my drawings when I got prune hands.

All right, I better make sure I wash everywhere

especially my bits and pieces.

(Laughter)

I did, cheeky monkey.

All right then, bye-bye everybody.

(Cheers and applause)

* And you know my name is Simon and I love to do drawings. *

(Music)

(Woman speaking) Good evening,

I’m Jane Pauley and welcome to real life.

Hello, romantic love and intelligence.

What happens in a marriage, if you’re smarter than your spouse

or dumber?

What happens if you’re much, much smarter

or much, much dumber?

With us is a remarkable loving married couple of 10 years,

Gina and Troy and Mayhew of White Plains New York.

Gina is arguably one of the world’s smartest women.

A summa cum laude graduate of Harvard

with a doctorate from Cambridge.

She is, at age 34, the youngest board member

of the Rand corporation.

Troy is 34 years old, a house husband

and model train enthusiast.

And as far as can be determined,

he is one of the world’s dumbest man.

(Laughter)

Hello, Jane.

Now, Troy, it’s important that our viewers understand

that you are not retarded.

No, but my IQ is very, very low.

Isn’t he a darling?

Gina, how would you rate your marriage?

Uhm---

Very successful.

It’s practical.

Its romantic.

Its fulfilling.

I never thought it would happen to me, Jane, but it did.

Troy?

What?

(Laughter)

If your marriage is successful, what makes it so?

Uh, I don’t know.

Well.

We have great sex.

Yes, oh yes, we do, yes we do. (Laughs)

Well, Troy is great with the kids.

Yeah, oh yeah, I love them, I love them, of course, of course,

our kids are getting to that age

were they’re kind of embarrassed to have their dad around.

How old are your children?

Two and four.

(Laughter)

Is the honeymoon over?

Oh, it was over when we got back from Hawaii?

Gina?

No, no, no, not really.

Actually, I think we’re gathering momentum, Jane.

Troy, what is the smartest thing you’ve ever done?

Oh, one time, this guy, came up to me and asked me

to buy some drugs and I just said no and walked away.

(Laughter)

Well, what about marrying Gina?

I mean, don’t you think that marrying her may be

the smartest thing you’ve ever done?

No, I think saying no to drugs

was the smartest thing I’ve ever done.

Gina, no marriage is without conflict and friction,

when you argue, aren’t you tempted to say, "Oh, Troy,

"you’re an idiot, I’m much smarter than you, you’re stupid,

you don’t know anything."

Yeah, I suppose I do, but Troy is really much thicker skinned

than most men.

Oh, there’s not much she can say that I haven’t heard before.

Well, you certainly are two very different people.

Jean and Troy and Mayhew, world’s smartest woman

and dumbest man, thank you for sharing your insights

on Romantic Love and Intelligence.

Stay with us for our next segment, when we’ll continue

with Jeanne Kirkpatrick and her husband, Louis.

(Music and applause)

(Piano playing)

I only had the greatest time of my life.

Thanks to Saturday Night Live and everybody in the orchestra.

(Cheers and applause)

Good night!

(Music and applause)