All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S17E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

(Phil Hartman speaking)
You are watching cable
10 Aurora, Illinois,

community access channel.

(Rock guitar)

Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World, excellent.

(Fooling themselves)
Ow, ow, ow, ow.

(Loud cheers and applause)

All right, welcome
to Wayne’s World,

here’s your host
Wayne Campbell.

(Yelling)
Party, party, party

OK, it’s Friday,
it’s 10:30,

It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent
host, Wayne Campbell,

With me as always is Garth.

Party on, Wayne

Party on, Garth.

Ok, ok, summer’s over.

All right, yeah.

And a lot happened.

For example, the Iraqis
may or may have not nukes.

People everywhere are
recognizing the Balkans.

I couldn’t even pick
them out in a crowd.

Who are they? Who are they?

That girl with the
huge snoobs, you know,

holding the fire hose in that
Warrant cherry pie video,

married the lead singer.

No way.

Way.

OK, so, we give you the best
and worse of the summer of ’91.

Wayne’s World, best
worst summer events ’91.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ok, all right,

OK, best international
news event of the summer.

The ill fated coup de
tatin Soviet Union.

Excellent.

I just wish I’d been there
for that failed insurrection.

So I could turn to somebody
and say, what a coup!

(Laughter and applause)

It’s such a cool word like, hey,
Wayne, there’s a party tonight.

Cool.

(Laughter)

Hey and Garth, babes will
be there.

(Both)
Coup de tat.

(Laughter and applause)

All right, worst
magazine cover story.

Peoplemagazine, Patrick
Swayze, sexiest man alive.

As if.

I mean, he look like
something I ate and dropped.

I’m serious, I mean, have
a look at that noggin.

He’s got a humongoid
melon, man.

His head has its
own weather system.

That’s right.

All asteroids are sucked in
by its gravitational pull.

That’s a major, come on.
Big head.

All right, best
magazine cover.

Demi Moore on the
August Vanity Fair.

(Cheers and applause)

We applaud her tasteful
display of natural beauty.

We thought it was
very appropriate.

(Both)
Not.

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, Demi Moore, how
about a little Demi Less.

I mean, we don’t have
to see it.

I mean, no offense or
nothing but you know,

she looked pregnant.

(Laughter)

You hav an astute
command to the obvious.

Hello.

Ok, best national news story.

The confirmation news of
Judge Clarence Thomas.

Didn’t see it.

Didn’t see it.

Ok---

(Laughter)

Best new fragrance.

Elizabeth Taylor’s
White Diamonds.

Elusive, mysterious, the
fragrance dreams are made of.

Ok.

(Laughter and applause)

Ok, worst new fragrance.

(Both)
Egoist, Egoist, Egoist.

(Applause)

What the hell is that?

What’s that? Is that all part
of a Felini summer?

Yeah!

What is that?

It sucks.

It sucks donkey.

It sucks a rhino.

It sucks bronto.

It sucks blue whale, the
largest animal ever to exist

on the planet Earth.

(Soft laughter)

It sucks that blue
whale’s father.

(Laughter and applause)

All right, OK, all right.

Worse chick movie, worse
chick movie of the summer,

Thelma and Louise, I mean,
the movie had---

well, come on,

it had such a simple
message, men bad, women good.

(Cheers and applause)

I tell you, man, no,
that movie was evil, man.

It was evil.

All right, come on.

It was evil.

Take, a Ritalin, man.
Come on.

(Soft laughter)

I believe Freud called
it vagina dentata.

(Laughter and applause)

Which actually,
now that I hear it,

it sounds like the fourth album
by the Police, but I digress,

OK.

Scariest chick in a guy movie.

Linda Hamilton, T2.

Hold on, can we get
a picture of this.

Hello?

Manly, yes.

But, I like her, too.

(Both)
Shring!

(Laughter and applause)

Ok, first off,
in a summer rerun,

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday night.

(Wild cheers and applause)

(Music)

It’s Saturday night live

With
Dana Carvey

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Victoria Jackson

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

With
Ellen Cleghorn

Chavone Falon

Tim Meadow

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

David Spade

and featuring
Al Franklin

Roberts Michael

GE Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band,

Musical guest,
Public Enemy

And starring
Michael Jordan

Ladies and gentlemen,
Michael Jordan.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Wild cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I’m glad to be here on
Saturday Night Livebecause

I have never been able to do
something this different.

Usually, I’m playing
basketball, or a TV commercial.

Because I’m a role model, I have
been able to do

so many things for the
young people.

There’s been a lot of concern
that I had been doing

too many commercials, but
in my own defense,

I don’t do every commercial
that they bring to me.

You see, once or twice, I have
been pressured

to do commercials that later,
I had second thoughts about.

Let me show you a few.

Mr. Jordan, do you think it’s as
hard to be a teenage girl

as it is to be a
basketball player?

I’m sure it is, Jessica.

It’s never easy to do your
best, no matter who you are.

That’s what I thought.

Can I ask you another
question, Mr. Jordan?

Of course.

Well, sometimes I get that not
so fresh feeling, you know.

(Laughter and applause)
(Soft music)

All women get that feeling
sometimes, Jessica.

That’s why there’s
new, Feminine Secret.

(Laughter and applause)

(Woman speaking)
Feminine Secret.

(Cheers and applause)

You see, not exactly right, but
sometimes you don’t know

until you actually see it.

Like this one.

(Music)

So, when you want hardcore
pornographic videos,

remember this label because
it’s not really pornographic,

until it says Michael Jordan.

(Cheers and applause)

So you see, it’s a good idea
to think things out first.

Anyway, stick around, I’ll be
doing things tonight

that I hadn’t already had a
chance to even think about.

Public Enemy’s here.

I’m pumped.

So let’s have a good
time, be right back.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Knocking on door)

This is a great house
sitting deal that you found,

this place is a dump,

Just wait till
you see the pool.

(Music)

No water?

(Soft laughter)

(Guitar playing)

You two look like
you need to get wet.

(Rock music playing)

(Both whisper)
Thank you.

(Music and laughter)

(Yelling)

(Music playing)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
If you got a big thirst and
you’re gay,

reach for a tall,
cold bottle of Schmitt’s Gay.

I think I’m going to like this.

Uh, yeah.

(Music)

Hello, my friends and
welcome to another edition

of Bill Swersky Super Fans.

(Cheers and applause)

I’m Bob Swersky, sitting
in for my brother Bill,

who is recovering from his
most recent heart attack,

and with me are always the
super fans,

Pat Arnold.

Hey, Bob.

Karl Wallerysky.

Hey, Bob.

And Pat o’Connor.

How are you, Bob?

Real good.

(Laughter)

We are coming to you as always
from Dickus restaurant

in Chicago, IL.

Birthplace of the
baby back ribs

and home to a certain
undefeated team,

which come January shall
be hosting - hoisting

a certain Super Bowl trophy
over its collective head,

at team that is
known as the Bears.

(Together)
The Bears.

(Applause)

OK, the Bears are 4-0 as we
predicted coming off from back

to back humiliations of the
New York Giants and Jets.

You know, that coach Dickus
showed a lot of compassion

keeping the scores
as close as he did.

That’s right.

He’s a merciful Dick.

Now, let us turn our
attention, gentlemen,

to this week’s
contest,

the Bears vs.
the Buffalo Bills.

That’s right.

Gentlemen

Well, Bob, we feel that,
if the Bears can contain

the Bills passing attack,
it should be

a surprisingly low
scoring affair.

So, your pick?

Bears 31 -
negative 7

(Laughter)

Yeah, really, -7.

Coach Dickau
will find a way.

Bears

(Together)
The Bears.

(Burps)

That was me.

Very nice, all right.

By the way, I should mention
that Todd was kind enough

to show up today, even though
earlier this week

he had yet another
heart attack.

It’s all right, Bob, actually
this one is just fibrillations.

I just got to limit my
pork intake to 400 g a day.

Bad stuff.

Yeah, well, and the doctor says
I got a small piece of polish

sausage lodged in the
lining of my heart.

That that’s too bad..

Good luck with that, now,

let’s turn our attention to
another dynasty in progress,

the Bulls.

(Together)
The Bulls.

(Laughter and applause)

(Laughter)

OK, gentlemen, the Bulls are
preparing to defend their crown

and gentlemen, the
only question is,

not will they repeat,
but how many times?

You know, I don’t think
we’re talking about a repeat,

a three-peat or
even a four-peat.

That’s right, we’re
talking a minimum 8-peat.

Absolutely.

Which brings us to our
very special guest,

you know him as the
airman,

(Together)
The air---

---man.

(Laughter)

Here is, Michael Jordan.

(Cheers and applause)

All right,

OK, let’s get Michael
set up. Waitress, please.

What do you want?

I’ll have a Gatorade, please.

(Laughs)

You know, Gatorade
can go with anything.

It mixes well.

All right.

Michael, I do know the boys
have a lot of questions

so, let’s get started,
gentlemen?

Yeah, well, Michael,
what about the Olympics?

Yeah, you’re
representing our country?

Is there any concerns that
these games might be a little

lopsided?

Yeah, yeah why don’t you
just play these countries

by yourself?

(laughter)

That some good idea.

(Laughter and applause)

I don’t think they’ll
let me do that, guys.

What if he could
have two players?

Say, you any certain
coach Dickau?

(Laughter)

Hey, that’s already
unfair again.

Yeah, that’s no contest.

If I may shift gears
for a moment, gentlemen.

Coach Dickau vs. the Hurricane,

Who would win?

(All three)
Dickau.

Hold on, hold on, hold on,
the name of the hurricane

is Hurricane Dickau.

(Laughter)

(Hitting his chest)

(Laughter)

Everything OK?

No problem, just
having a heart attack.

(Laughter and applause)

Almost over.

Done, done.

Very good, very nice recovery.

Now, how many heart attack
is there for you, Todd?

That makes a Baker’s
dozen for me.

Hey,
I’ve only had six.

Well, something to
shoot for, Karl.

I think Ditka
beats the hurricane.

Michael?

Gee, who cares? I
mean---

(Together)
Who cares.

Bob, you don’t mind if
I say something, do you?

Of course, go ahead.

Well, it’s just about
Michael Jordan foundation.

Yeah.

You know, it was established
five years ago by my mother.

I mean, I’m really
proud about it.

You know, I mean, it was
established in the Midwest

and I think it really helps
out a lot of good cause.

I mean, good
charities such
(Thinking)The bears.

(Thinking)
The Bears, the Bears.

The Bears.

...Anemia, Midwest
(Thinking)
The Bears. Bears,

I really think it’s a good
organization, you know.

I just thought---
(Thinking) The Bulls

this would be a good time
just to express my
The Bulls

gratification for
about the whole ordeal.
The Bulls, the Bulls.

You don’t mind, I mean, I
think it’s very important.

All right?
(Thinking)
Polish sausage.

It’s a family thing, I think.

My brothers in it.
Dickau...Sausage.

(Laughter)

Bears.

You guys don’t mind, do you?

No, no, no sure, go
ahead, that’s all right.

Yeah, that’s important stuff.

Absolutely.

Thank you for coming on, Michael
but before we signed off,

Todd here has a special ritual
which he’d like to perform

in honor of the Bulls.

Todd, as you can see, is
donning a hula skirt

and a coconut bra.

Todd, when was the last time
you perform this ritual?

January 26, 1986 when the
Bears won the Super Bowl.

OK, you may proceed.

The Bulls, the
Bulls, theBulls,

the Bulls, the Bulls,
the Bulls,

(Laughter)

Clear, Clear, all clear.

The Bulls, the Bulls, theBulls,
the Bulls, the Bulls, the Bulls,

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking)
Weekend update

with Kevin Nealon.

(Cheers and applause)

Good morning, on Friday, an
evenly divided senate

judiciary committee refused to
recommend the confirmation

of Judge Clarence Thomas to
the U.S. supreme court.

Earlier in those hearings, Judge
Thomas requested a restraining

order against the people
for the American way.

He later withdrew this request
when it was explained

they were trying to Bork
him, not pork him.

(Laughter)

Senator
Strom Thurmond

demonstrates
the difference here.

(Laughter and applause)

Vice President Dan quayle
says the solution

to the food distribution
problem in the Soviet Union

lies in neighboring China.

He suggests the Soviets simply
call Chinese Restaurants

for takeout and have
the food delivered.

(Laughter)

Weekend Updatewould like
to welcome our new affiliate

Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.

(Cheers and applause)

Although president Bush
recognize

the three Baltic states
earlier this month,

he revealed he had trouble
recognizing France.

(Laughter)

Russian President Boris Yeltsin
announced earlier today

that Gorbachev’s detention
by the coup

at his Crimean Sea Resort
will officially count

as vacation time.

(Laughter)

This just in, President Bush
in a surprise news conference

announced that the U.S.

will officially recognize the
Banana Republic’s independence.

(Laughter)

The popular clothing store is
free to break away

from hickory farms
and the rest of the mall.

(Laughter)

Michelangelo’s David was damage
when a man described

as deranged broke part of its
toe with a hammer.

The man said, "A woman in a
painting told me to do it."

police are questioning
the Mona Lisa.

(Laughter)

The Dead Sea scrolls, the rare
documents from Biblical Times

have been made public
and partly translated.

It seems the correct
pronunciation after all

is Hesus, and not Jesus
as formerly thought.

(Laughter)

The final exit, the book that
instructs its owner

on suicide techniques remains
on the bestseller list

for seven weeks in a row.

One tip, don’t try to find
this book in the library.

people just don’t return them.

(Laughter and applause)

Peewee Herman---

Nah, why beat a dead horse?

(Loud laughter and applause)

On a lighter note, the
Norwegian prime minister

is visiting New York
this week.

You know, my favorite countries
Norwegia, good luck to him.

It’s no secret that superstar
Michael Jackson has had

his fair share a plastic
surgery over the last years.

Michael’s late test surgery
results were seen by millions

when he recently guest starred
on an episode of the Simpsons,

as Leo Compowski.

(Laughter and applause)

Even his most ardent fans said
this time, he has gone too far.

(Laughter)

And a two million dollar
lawsuit disclosed yesterday

raised erotic claims that
eight out of the 92 blows

landed on him in their
June 16 bout,

if he considered
fondles.

(Laughter and applause)

No court date has been set yet.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving day
parade have a new float

this year, following
right behind Spiderman

will be larger than
life Vladimir Lenin.

(Laughter and applause)

We’re sure that’s how
he would have wanted it.

Theodor Geisel known to his
loyal readers as Dr. Suess

died this week at the
age of 87.

Like many of us, I grew
up with Dr. Suess

and one of my favorite stories
is Green Eggs And Ham.

Here to read from this classic
is the Rev. Jesse Jackson,

Reverend?

(Loud cheers and applause)

Tonight, rather than read
from first and second Samuel,

I’ll read from Sam I am.

(Laughter)

According to the
latter day Saint Seuss,

You do not like green
eggs and ham---

(Laughter and applause)

I do not like them,

Sam I am---

(Laughter and applause)

I could not, would not,
on a boat.

I will not, will
not with a goat.

(Laughter and applause)

I will not eat them in
the rain,

I will not eat
them on a train.

Not in the dark,
not on a tree,

not in a car,
you let me be.

(Laughter and applause)

I do not like them
in a box,

I do not like them
with a fox,

(Laughter and applause)

I will not eat them
in a house,

I do not like them
with a mouse.

(Laughter)

I do not like them
here, or there,

I do not like
them anywhere.

I do not like green
eggs and ham.

(Loud cheers and applause)

I do not like them,
Sam I am.

I do not like
them, so you say,

try them, try
them and you may,

try them and
you may I say,

Sam, if you
will let me be,

I will try them,
you will see.

Say, I like green
eggs and ham.

I do, I like them,
Sam I am.

And I would eat
them in a boat,

and I will eat
them with a goat,

(Laughter)

I do, so like green
eggs and ham.

Thank you, thank
you, Sam I am.

(Wild cheers and applause)

Eight researchers yesterday
sealed themselves off

from the rest of the
world for two years.

(Laughter)

When they entered
the biosphere two.

The 24 acres structure
houses animals, insects,

it’s own ocean, rain forest,
and of course, a McDonalds.

(Laughter)

Although over 3400 species of
animals and plants

were enclosed in the air
tight biosphere,

one species that was
notably missing

was the giant farthing
frog of Brazil.

(Laughter and applause)

In a late breaking story, Baltic
avenue has just broken off

from the board
game monopoly.

(Laud laughter and applause)

There has been no other comment
yet from the other avenues.

And now look at
tomorrow’s weather.

Lots of reds covering the south,
some yellows up in the north

blending into some
brown in the Midwest.

20% chance of scattered
greens by Monday.

It won’t be long before we can
look forward to those blues.

Well, that wraps it up this
week for me, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Good morning.

(Music)
(Loud cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking)
I deserve good things,

I’m
entitled to my share

of happiness, I
refuse to beat myself up,

I am an attractive person,
I am fun to be with.

(Phil Hartman speaking)
Daily affirmation
with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is
a caring nurturer.

A member of several
12 step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a terrific
show today

and I’m going to help people,
because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley,
well, I’m still receiving,

some negative
reactions for my show

about Peewee1
Herman entitled,

There but for the grace
of God, Go I.

And I have to admit, it was not
my best show, but that’s OK.

I have to give myself
permission to do a bad show

every now and then.

OK, for those of you who
watched the show regularly,

you know that I
don’t have guests,

I always do this show
alone, and that’s OK.

But yesterday, my
producer said, Stuart,

I can get you a guest that you
would be insane

not to have on the show,

so I decided to
take a risk.

In life, you have to take risks
and today we have a guest.

And his name is
Michael J,

I’ll protect
your anonymity.

(Laughter)

Michael is a
basketball player

for a professional
basketball team.

Well, that’s very
good, Michael.

You should be very
proud of that.

Well, thank you, Stuart, I am.

Well, good for you.

Good for you.

Michael, I know there must be a
lot of pressure for you

to play very well and
I can imagine

that the night before a game,
you must lie awake thinking,

"I’m not good enough,
everybody’s better than me.

"I’m not going to
score any points.

I have no business
playing this game."

Well, not really.

(Laughter)

Michael, denialain’t
just a river in Egypt.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I do sometimes get
a little nervous

before an important
basketball game.

I thought so, and that’s OK.

You’re not alone.

Believe me, I know
what it’s like.

Laying there awake, all
those tapes rolling.

"I’m a fraud.

"Tomorrow, I’m going to
be exposed for what I am,

"a big impostor.

"I just want to curl up and
lay in bed all day

and eat Fig Newton."

Well, something
like that.

Right.

Well, Michael, those negative
thoughts are your critical

inner voice saying those
things you and I want

to replace of those
negative thoughts

with something positive,
a daily affirmation.

Affirmation?

Yes.

Now, look in the
mirror, come on.

Don’t look at me,
only you can help you.

That’s it.

Say, hello Michael.

Hello, Michael.

(Laughter and applause)

I don’t have to be a
great basketball player.

I don’t have to be a
great basketball player.

I don’t have to dribble
the ball fast

or throw the ball into
the basket.

(Loud laughter and applause)

I don’t have to
dribble the ball fast

or throw the ball
in the basket.

Because, all I have to do is to
be the best Michael I can be.

All I have to do is to be
the best Michael I can be.

Because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough and doggone
it, people like me.

(Laughter and applause)

Because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and
doggone it, people like me.

(Cheers and applause)

Now, don’t you feel better?

Well, I’ve really
never felt bad.

Michael,

No, it’s true.

Stuart, I guess, pretty
much of the time,

I’m a very happy person.

I’m a blessed person.

God gave me the talent to
play basketball

and I have been able to spread
some of that talent

and some of that good
feeling towards everybody

and inspired other people.

Help people achieve
their dreams.

I am just a fool.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

They’re going to
cancel the show.

I’m going to die homeless
and 20 pounds overweight

and no one will
ever love me.

Stuart, that’s just not true.

I think what you’re
saying on your show

can be very helpful
to people.

You think so?

Yes.

Definitely.

I just don’t think it helps
beating yourself up that way.

You’re right, it’s just
thinking, thinking.

And after all, this
show is your dream.

It’s a good dream.

you deserve to have
dreams come true.

You feel better?

Would you like a hug?

(Laughter and applause)

Thank you, Michael.

Thank you, Stuart.

You know what, I think this is
the best show I’ve ever done.

And you know what?

I deserve it because
I’m good enough.

I’m smart enough.

And doggone it,
people like me.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

Oh, Michael,
Michael, you know,

you is much more cute in
personal than you is in TV.

Thank you.

And you know something,
you know what I like?

I like, you know, go to lay
your shot and everything

and you stick your tongue
out, it’s so sexy?

Thank you.

No, no, no, you know, can
I just tell you something?

You know, most people, they want
your autograph and everything.

I do not want your autograph.

You know what I want?
No.

OK, let me tell you, ok.

Now, I used to play basketball
in high school, right?

And I was thinking that maybe,
you know, later on, me and you,

we go play a little one on one.

I don’t think so.

Okay, I understand,
I understand.

But Miguel ( Speaking Spanish)
how you say, you know, Michael,

I just want to say that you
know, I just want to know,

are you married?

Yes, I am.

Oh, me too.

And I just wanted to know,
you know, you’re married,

I wanted to know if your wife,
if she was around, you know?

I really got to go.

OK, OK, OK, one last
thing, you know,

you could really make my
dream come true because

it has been my
lifelong dream, ok,

to be a Laker girl
like Paula Abdul.

Well, I don’t play
for the Lakers,

I play
for the Bulls.

So, Lakers Bulls,
same thing, right?

Well, not exactly.

Oh, you don’t have
get loud at me

just because I made a
mistake and everything, OK?

I wasn’t getting loud.

Yes, you was, you was getting
loud at me and

I think that you know -
eh, don’t push me.

I really got to go.

You don’t have to push
me, I could sue you.

Hey, don’t make me take
away everything you earned.

Hey, you seen him pushing me?

And I don’t play- excuse
me, excuse me, excuse me.

(Applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking)
Live from Compton,
California, BETTV,

that’s Black Entertainment
Television presents,

The Dark Side with NAT X.

The only show on TV written by
a brother, produced by a
brother,

that’s strictly
for the brothers.

Now, get ready for a man’s
so black, he could be navy.

Step back, ’cause
here comes Nat.

(Music and applause)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X and welcome
to the Dark Side.

The only 15 minute show on TV.

Why only 15?

Because 16 would
give the man a rash.

I see we all know
who the man is.

I’m talking about the man that
invented the game of chess.

A game that for some racist
reason cannot start

unless the white piece
moves first.

(Laughter)

I’m talking about the same man,
that every time he crashes

his car into a school bus
and has to go to court,

his defense is, "Your honor,
I blacked out."

Blacked out, what
does that mean?

All of a sudden, you
became an evil black man?

Alright, it’s time for a
new segment on the show.

It’s called, what would have
happened, if they were black.

Now, what we do here, is take
crimes committed

by white celebrities and
asked the question,

what would have happened
if they were black?

Tonight, Eva
Montgomery writes,

"Dear Nat, what
would have happened

if Peewee Herman was black?

Well, if Peewee
Herman was black,

not only would he be arrested
for indecent exposure

but they would have given
him another 10 years

for blocking
the screen

with his big African
American penis.

(Laughter and applause)

Mr. Herman, you better thank
the Lord you ain’t black.

(Music)
(Police sirens)

The white man cam!

The revolution will
not be tolerated.

Get out of here!

Boy, I haven’t had that much
fun since I hang out with O.J.

Now, my first guest tonight,
is a member of one

of the most talented musical
family in the country,

please welcome, Latoya Jackson.

(Funk music)
(Cheers and applause)

Sit your no talent
ass down!

(Loud laughter and applause)

Before we start, I want to
say that I’m here to talk

about my book and my career
and not my brother Michael.

OK, so I hear, you
went out on tour.

Yes, well, it started in Japan
and then we went to Mexico.

I don’t care about that.

I want to know about Michael.

What’s up with
Michael, all right?

I heard he’s got a brain in
a jar.

Why is it so interesting
that my brother keeps

a human brain in
his bedroom?

Have you ever think
about what you just said?

(Laughter)

I’d rather not.

Now, I hear you’re going
to be in playboy again.

That’s right, make
sure you buy it.

Buy? Why should we buy?

We saw what
you had last time.

What you got now?

A third boob or something?

(Laughter)

What’s that? What’s going on?

Hey, look who’s here.

A man, Spike Lee.

(Loud cheers and applause)

I was just walking
by the studio,

I’m a big fan so I
thought I’d drop by.

Spike, why don’t you sit
down and have a seat?

You have such an
interesting guest, Nat.

Latoya, scoot your
I-wish-I-was-Janet-ass over.

(Loud laughter and applause)

So Spike, I see you
got your Nat X hat on.

Now, I see these hats all over
town but I ain’t got a dime yet.

No, this is from the new
film Malcolm X

and we hope to win
Oscars on this one.

Oscar, Oscar,
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar,

you always worrying about
the white man’s assets.

Boy, you don’t need no Oscar, I
got an award for you right here.

What’s that?

I called this the Buster.

(Laughter and applause)

Now every year, I give a Buster
to one of my favorite films

and this year, my favorite
film is Jungle Fever.

Now, some of the films that
have won this award, Superfly,

The Mac, Cotton Comes to
Holland, Shaft in Africa,

Good Films.

So, I hope you’re happy
to get this award.

Thank you.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Now, I like Jungle Fever.

Interracial romance and
all that but,

couldn’t you have got a sister
to play that part
of the white girl?

(Laughter)

I mean, there’s a lot of out
of work sisters out there.

What about Thelma
from good times?

(Laughter and applause)

Mr. Nat, when are we please
going to talk about my book?

Oh boy, your book.

OK, let’s talk about your book.

It’s called, Latoya: Growing
Up In The Jackson Family.

Yes, Mr. Nat, as it says
in my book, I was abused.

You were abused?

We had to listen to that
album, that’s abuse.

(Laughter and applause)

Please, Spike, I had a
very rough childhood.

Rough childhood?

You had a rough childhood?

I’ll tell you about
rough childhood.

I’ll tell you about a boy
that was born in Alabama.

Father was sharecropper,
mama was a maid

for homeless white people.

(Laughter)

But that didn’t bring him down.

That did not bring
that boy down.

Today, our boy is in show
business and he’s a big star.

Is that you, Nat?

No, that’s not me.
I’ll slap you white.

(Laughter)

Lasamia, get out of here
before she starts singing.

Get your non-Janet ass
out here.

What’s wrong with you?

All right, we got to go.

I want to thank my
main man, Spike Lee.

Peace, two fingers.

(Cheers and applause)

Tune in next week and watch me
pull a white man out of a hat.

Stay strong, brothers.

(Cheers and applause)

(Elevator doors opens)

Hey, you’re Michael Jordan?

Yeah, yes, I am.

Wow, I think you’re the greatest
basketball player

that ever lived, honest.

Thank you.

It’s like meeting
Lincoln or something.

(Laughter)

I bet people come up to
you all the time

and just talk about
nothing, you know,

because they’re nervous
or whatever, right?

Yeah.

* O, say can you see? *

* By the dawn’s
early light. *

I bet you hear that
a lot, huh?

Hey, you’re right.

Before a game, right?

Yeah.

* What so proudly we
hailed, *

* at the
twilight’s last gleaming *

Hey, that’s pretty good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

* Whose broad strip
and bright stars, *

* through the
perilous fight. *

Hey, how did they pick guys to
sing that song before the games?

I mean, what does that?

No, I really don’t know.
Really? You don’t know?

No.

I was just wondering, because
you might as well know,

I’m a semiprofessional singer.

I’m a power singer.

I’m not afraid to take the
melody and make it my own,

you know.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Good
Yeah.

Your floor is coming huh?

I’ll just give you a
little demonstration.

* Gave proof through
the night *

* that our flag
was still there. *

I’m just a player.

No, no, no, no, no,
wait, Michael, no, you
better tame me,

plenty of my life, just enjoy.

(Mumbling)

* For the land of the free. *

You know, why don’t you
just call the stadium?

You know, I mean...

* That our flag was
still there. *

(Bell rings)

Oh, don’t get off, don’t get
off, I get to the last part,

* and the home of the brave. *

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

All right?

All right.

Hey, that was my slam dunk.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

Thanks, thanks everybody.

Keep hoping live, I enjoyed it.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)