Original subtitles

(Phil Hartman speaking) You are watching cable 10 Aurora, Illinois,

community access channel.

(Rock guitar)

Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World, excellent.

(Fooling themselves) Ow, ow, ow, ow.

(Loud cheers and applause)

All right, welcome to Wayne’s World,

here’s your host Wayne Campbell.

(Yelling) Party, party, party

OK, it’s Friday, it’s 10:30,

It’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell,

With me as always is Garth.

Party on, Wayne

Party on, Garth.

Ok, ok, summer’s over.

All right, yeah.

And a lot happened.

For example, the Iraqis may or may have not nukes.

People everywhere are recognizing the Balkans.

I couldn’t even pick them out in a crowd.

Who are they? Who are they?

That girl with the huge snoobs, you know,

holding the fire hose in that Warrant cherry pie video,

married the lead singer.

No way.

Way.

OK, so, we give you the best and worse of the summer of ’91.

Wayne’s World, best worst summer events ’91.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ok, all right,

OK, best international news event of the summer.

The ill fated coup de tatin Soviet Union.

Excellent.

I just wish I’d been there for that failed insurrection.

So I could turn to somebody and say, what a coup!

(Laughter and applause)

It’s such a cool word like, hey, Wayne, there’s a party tonight.

Cool.

(Laughter)

Hey and Garth, babes will be there.

(Both) Coup de tat.

(Laughter and applause)

All right, worst magazine cover story.

Peoplemagazine, Patrick Swayze, sexiest man alive.

As if.

I mean, he look like something I ate and dropped.

I’m serious, I mean, have a look at that noggin.

He’s got a humongoid melon, man.

His head has its own weather system.

That’s right.

All asteroids are sucked in by its gravitational pull.

That’s a major, come on. Big head.

All right, best magazine cover.

Demi Moore on the August Vanity Fair.

(Cheers and applause)

We applaud her tasteful display of natural beauty.

We thought it was very appropriate.

(Both) Not.

(Laughter and applause)

Hey, Demi Moore, how about a little Demi Less.

I mean, we don’t have to see it.

I mean, no offense or nothing but you know,

she looked pregnant.

(Laughter)

You hav an astute command to the obvious.

Hello.

Ok, best national news story.

The confirmation news of Judge Clarence Thomas.

Didn’t see it.

Didn’t see it.

Ok---

(Laughter)

Best new fragrance.

Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds.

Elusive, mysterious, the fragrance dreams are made of.

Ok.

(Laughter and applause)

Ok, worst new fragrance.

(Both) Egoist, Egoist, Egoist.

(Applause)

What the hell is that?

What’s that? Is that all part of a Felini summer?

Yeah!

What is that?

It sucks.

It sucks donkey.

It sucks a rhino.

It sucks bronto.

It sucks blue whale, the largest animal ever to exist

on the planet Earth.

(Soft laughter)

It sucks that blue whale’s father.

(Laughter and applause)

All right, OK, all right.

Worse chick movie, worse chick movie of the summer,

Thelma and Louise, I mean, the movie had---

well, come on,

it had such a simple message, men bad, women good.

(Cheers and applause)

I tell you, man, no, that movie was evil, man.

It was evil.

All right, come on.

It was evil.

Take, a Ritalin, man. Come on.

(Soft laughter)

I believe Freud called it vagina dentata.

(Laughter and applause)

Which actually, now that I hear it,

it sounds like the fourth album by the Police, but I digress,

OK.

Scariest chick in a guy movie.

Linda Hamilton, T2.

Hold on, can we get a picture of this.

Hello?

Manly, yes.

But, I like her, too.

(Both) Shring!

(Laughter and applause)

Ok, first off, in a summer rerun,

Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

(Wild cheers and applause)

(Music)

It’s Saturday night live

With Dana Carvey

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Victoria Jackson

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock,

Julia Sweeney

With Ellen Cleghorn

Chavone Falon

Tim Meadow

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

David Spade

and featuring Al Franklin

Roberts Michael

GE Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band,

Musical guest, Public Enemy

And starring Michael Jordan

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Jordan.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Thank you.

(Wild cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I’m glad to be here on Saturday Night Livebecause

I have never been able to do something this different.

Usually, I’m playing basketball, or a TV commercial.

Because I’m a role model, I have been able to do

so many things for the young people.

There’s been a lot of concern that I had been doing

too many commercials, but in my own defense,

I don’t do every commercial that they bring to me.

You see, once or twice, I have been pressured

to do commercials that later, I had second thoughts about.

Let me show you a few.

Mr. Jordan, do you think it’s as hard to be a teenage girl

as it is to be a basketball player?

I’m sure it is, Jessica.

It’s never easy to do your best, no matter who you are.

That’s what I thought.

Can I ask you another question, Mr. Jordan?

Of course.

Well, sometimes I get that not so fresh feeling, you know.

(Laughter and applause) (Soft music)

All women get that feeling sometimes, Jessica.

That’s why there’s new, Feminine Secret.

(Laughter and applause)

(Woman speaking) Feminine Secret.

(Cheers and applause)

You see, not exactly right, but sometimes you don’t know

until you actually see it.

Like this one.

(Music)

So, when you want hardcore pornographic videos,

remember this label because it’s not really pornographic,

until it says Michael Jordan.

(Cheers and applause)

So you see, it’s a good idea to think things out first.

Anyway, stick around, I’ll be doing things tonight

that I hadn’t already had a chance to even think about.

Public Enemy’s here.

I’m pumped.

So let’s have a good time, be right back.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Knocking on door)

This is a great house sitting deal that you found,

this place is a dump,

Just wait till you see the pool.

(Music)

No water?

(Soft laughter)

(Guitar playing)

You two look like you need to get wet.

(Rock music playing)

(Both whisper) Thank you.

(Music and laughter)

(Yelling)

(Music playing)

(Phil Hartman speaking) If you got a big thirst and you’re gay,

reach for a tall, cold bottle of Schmitt’s Gay.

I think I’m going to like this.

Uh, yeah.

(Music)

Hello, my friends and welcome to another edition

of Bill Swersky Super Fans.

(Cheers and applause)

I’m Bob Swersky, sitting in for my brother Bill,

who is recovering from his most recent heart attack,

and with me are always the super fans,

Pat Arnold.

Hey, Bob.

Karl Wallerysky.

Hey, Bob.

And Pat o’Connor.

How are you, Bob?

Real good.

(Laughter)

We are coming to you as always from Dickus restaurant

in Chicago, IL.

Birthplace of the baby back ribs

and home to a certain undefeated team,

which come January shall be hosting - hoisting

a certain Super Bowl trophy over its collective head,

at team that is known as the Bears.

(Together) The Bears.

(Applause)

OK, the Bears are 4-0 as we predicted coming off from back

to back humiliations of the New York Giants and Jets.

You know, that coach Dickus showed a lot of compassion

keeping the scores as close as he did.

That’s right.

He’s a merciful Dick.

Now, let us turn our attention, gentlemen,

to this week’s contest,

the Bears vs. the Buffalo Bills.

That’s right.

Gentlemen

Well, Bob, we feel that, if the Bears can contain

the Bills passing attack, it should be

a surprisingly low scoring affair.

So, your pick?

Bears 31 - negative 7

(Laughter)

Yeah, really, -7.

Coach Dickau will find a way.

Bears

(Together) The Bears.

(Burps)

That was me.

Very nice, all right.

By the way, I should mention that Todd was kind enough

to show up today, even though earlier this week

he had yet another heart attack.

It’s all right, Bob, actually this one is just fibrillations.

I just got to limit my pork intake to 400 g a day.

Bad stuff.

Yeah, well, and the doctor says I got a small piece of polish

sausage lodged in the lining of my heart.

That that’s too bad..

Good luck with that, now,

let’s turn our attention to another dynasty in progress,

the Bulls.

(Together) The Bulls.

(Laughter and applause)

(Laughter)

OK, gentlemen, the Bulls are preparing to defend their crown

and gentlemen, the only question is,

not will they repeat, but how many times?

You know, I don’t think we’re talking about a repeat,

a three-peat or even a four-peat.

That’s right, we’re talking a minimum 8-peat.

Absolutely.

Which brings us to our very special guest,

you know him as the airman,

(Together) The air---

---man.

(Laughter)

Here is, Michael Jordan.

(Cheers and applause)

All right,

OK, let’s get Michael set up. Waitress, please.

What do you want?

I’ll have a Gatorade, please.

(Laughs)

You know, Gatorade can go with anything.

It mixes well.

All right.

Michael, I do know the boys have a lot of questions

so, let’s get started, gentlemen?

Yeah, well, Michael, what about the Olympics?

Yeah, you’re representing our country?

Is there any concerns that these games might be a little

lopsided?

Yeah, yeah why don’t you just play these countries

by yourself?

(laughter)

That some good idea.

(Laughter and applause)

I don’t think they’ll let me do that, guys.

What if he could have two players?

Say, you any certain coach Dickau?

(Laughter)

Hey, that’s already unfair again.

Yeah, that’s no contest.

If I may shift gears for a moment, gentlemen.

Coach Dickau vs. the Hurricane,

Who would win?

(All three) Dickau.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, the name of the hurricane

is Hurricane Dickau.

(Laughter)

(Hitting his chest)

(Laughter)

Everything OK?

No problem, just having a heart attack.

(Laughter and applause)

Almost over.

Done, done.

Very good, very nice recovery.

Now, how many heart attack is there for you, Todd?

That makes a Baker’s dozen for me.

Hey, I’ve only had six.

Well, something to shoot for, Karl.

I think Ditka beats the hurricane.

Michael?

Gee, who cares? I mean---

(Together) Who cares.

Bob, you don’t mind if I say something, do you?

Of course, go ahead.

Well, it’s just about Michael Jordan foundation.

Yeah.

You know, it was established five years ago by my mother.

I mean, I’m really proud about it.

You know, I mean, it was established in the Midwest

and I think it really helps out a lot of good cause.

I mean, good charities such (Thinking)The bears.

(Thinking) The Bears, the Bears.

The Bears.

...Anemia, Midwest (Thinking) The Bears. Bears,

I really think it’s a good organization, you know.

I just thought--- (Thinking) The Bulls

this would be a good time just to express my The Bulls

gratification for about the whole ordeal. The Bulls, the Bulls.

You don’t mind, I mean, I think it’s very important.

All right? (Thinking) Polish sausage.

It’s a family thing, I think.

My brothers in it. Dickau...Sausage.

(Laughter)

Bears.

You guys don’t mind, do you?

No, no, no sure, go ahead, that’s all right.

Yeah, that’s important stuff.

Absolutely.

Thank you for coming on, Michael but before we signed off,

Todd here has a special ritual which he’d like to perform

in honor of the Bulls.

Todd, as you can see, is donning a hula skirt

and a coconut bra.

Todd, when was the last time you perform this ritual?

January 26, 1986 when the Bears won the Super Bowl.

OK, you may proceed.

The Bulls, the Bulls, theBulls,

the Bulls, the Bulls, the Bulls,

(Laughter)

Clear, Clear, all clear.

The Bulls, the Bulls, theBulls, the Bulls, the Bulls, the Bulls,

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

(Don Pardo speaking) Weekend update

with Kevin Nealon.

(Cheers and applause)

Good morning, on Friday, an evenly divided senate

judiciary committee refused to recommend the confirmation

of Judge Clarence Thomas to the U.S. supreme court.

Earlier in those hearings, Judge Thomas requested a restraining

order against the people for the American way.

He later withdrew this request when it was explained

they were trying to Bork him, not pork him.

(Laughter)

Senator Strom Thurmond

demonstrates the difference here.

(Laughter and applause)

Vice President Dan quayle says the solution

to the food distribution problem in the Soviet Union

lies in neighboring China.

He suggests the Soviets simply call Chinese Restaurants

for takeout and have the food delivered.

(Laughter)

Weekend Updatewould like to welcome our new affiliate

Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania.

(Cheers and applause)

Although president Bush recognize

the three Baltic states earlier this month,

he revealed he had trouble recognizing France.

(Laughter)

Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced earlier today

that Gorbachev’s detention by the coup

at his Crimean Sea Resort will officially count

as vacation time.

(Laughter)

This just in, President Bush in a surprise news conference

announced that the U.S.

will officially recognize the Banana Republic’s independence.

(Laughter)

The popular clothing store is free to break away

from hickory farms and the rest of the mall.

(Laughter)

Michelangelo’s David was damage when a man described

as deranged broke part of its toe with a hammer.

The man said, "A woman in a painting told me to do it."

police are questioning the Mona Lisa.

(Laughter)

The Dead Sea scrolls, the rare documents from Biblical Times

have been made public and partly translated.

It seems the correct pronunciation after all

is Hesus, and not Jesus as formerly thought.

(Laughter)

The final exit, the book that instructs its owner

on suicide techniques remains on the bestseller list

for seven weeks in a row.

One tip, don’t try to find this book in the library.

people just don’t return them.

(Laughter and applause)

Peewee Herman---

Nah, why beat a dead horse?

(Loud laughter and applause)

On a lighter note, the Norwegian prime minister

is visiting New York this week.

You know, my favorite countries Norwegia, good luck to him.

It’s no secret that superstar Michael Jackson has had

his fair share a plastic surgery over the last years.

Michael’s late test surgery results were seen by millions

when he recently guest starred on an episode of the Simpsons,

as Leo Compowski.

(Laughter and applause)

Even his most ardent fans said this time, he has gone too far.

(Laughter)

And a two million dollar lawsuit disclosed yesterday

raised erotic claims that eight out of the 92 blows

landed on him in their June 16 bout,

if he considered fondles.

(Laughter and applause)

No court date has been set yet.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade have a new float

this year, following right behind Spiderman

will be larger than life Vladimir Lenin.

(Laughter and applause)

We’re sure that’s how he would have wanted it.

Theodor Geisel known to his loyal readers as Dr. Suess

died this week at the age of 87.

Like many of us, I grew up with Dr. Suess

and one of my favorite stories is Green Eggs And Ham.

Here to read from this classic is the Rev. Jesse Jackson,

Reverend?

(Loud cheers and applause)

Tonight, rather than read from first and second Samuel,

I’ll read from Sam I am.

(Laughter)

According to the latter day Saint Seuss,

You do not like green eggs and ham---

(Laughter and applause)

I do not like them,

Sam I am---

(Laughter and applause)

I could not, would not, on a boat.

I will not, will not with a goat.

(Laughter and applause)

I will not eat them in the rain,

I will not eat them on a train.

Not in the dark, not on a tree,

not in a car, you let me be.

(Laughter and applause)

I do not like them in a box,

I do not like them with a fox,

(Laughter and applause)

I will not eat them in a house,

I do not like them with a mouse.

(Laughter)

I do not like them here, or there,

I do not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

(Loud cheers and applause)

I do not like them, Sam I am.

I do not like them, so you say,

try them, try them and you may,

try them and you may I say,

Sam, if you will let me be,

I will try them, you will see.

Say, I like green eggs and ham.

I do, I like them, Sam I am.

And I would eat them in a boat,

and I will eat them with a goat,

(Laughter)

I do, so like green eggs and ham.

Thank you, thank you, Sam I am.

(Wild cheers and applause)

Eight researchers yesterday sealed themselves off

from the rest of the world for two years.

(Laughter)

When they entered the biosphere two.

The 24 acres structure houses animals, insects,

it’s own ocean, rain forest, and of course, a McDonalds.

(Laughter)

Although over 3400 species of animals and plants

were enclosed in the air tight biosphere,

one species that was notably missing

was the giant farthing frog of Brazil.

(Laughter and applause)

In a late breaking story, Baltic avenue has just broken off

from the board game monopoly.

(Laud laughter and applause)

There has been no other comment yet from the other avenues.

And now look at tomorrow’s weather.

Lots of reds covering the south, some yellows up in the north

blending into some brown in the Midwest.

20% chance of scattered greens by Monday.

It won’t be long before we can look forward to those blues.

Well, that wraps it up this week for me, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Good morning.

(Music) (Loud cheers and applause)

(Soft music)

(Man speaking) I deserve good things,

I’m entitled to my share

of happiness, I refuse to beat myself up,

I am an attractive person, I am fun to be with.

(Phil Hartman speaking) Daily affirmation with Stuart Smalley.

Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer.

A member of several 12 step programs,

but not a licensed therapist.

I’m going to do a terrific show today

and I’m going to help people, because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley, well, I’m still receiving,

some negative reactions for my show

about Peewee1 Herman entitled,

There but for the grace of God, Go I.

And I have to admit, it was not my best show, but that’s OK.

I have to give myself permission to do a bad show

every now and then.

OK, for those of you who watched the show regularly,

you know that I don’t have guests,

I always do this show alone, and that’s OK.

But yesterday, my producer said, Stuart,

I can get you a guest that you would be insane

not to have on the show,

so I decided to take a risk.

In life, you have to take risks and today we have a guest.

And his name is Michael J,

I’ll protect your anonymity.

(Laughter)

Michael is a basketball player

for a professional basketball team.

Well, that’s very good, Michael.

You should be very proud of that.

Well, thank you, Stuart, I am.

Well, good for you.

Good for you.

Michael, I know there must be a lot of pressure for you

to play very well and I can imagine

that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking,

"I’m not good enough, everybody’s better than me.

"I’m not going to score any points.

I have no business playing this game."

Well, not really.

(Laughter)

Michael, denialain’t just a river in Egypt.

(Laughter and applause)

Well, I do sometimes get a little nervous

before an important basketball game.

I thought so, and that’s OK.

You’re not alone.

Believe me, I know what it’s like.

Laying there awake, all those tapes rolling.

"I’m a fraud.

"Tomorrow, I’m going to be exposed for what I am,

"a big impostor.

"I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day

and eat Fig Newton."

Well, something like that.

Right.

Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical

inner voice saying those things you and I want

to replace of those negative thoughts

with something positive, a daily affirmation.

Affirmation?

Yes.

Now, look in the mirror, come on.

Don’t look at me, only you can help you.

That’s it.

Say, hello Michael.

Hello, Michael.

(Laughter and applause)

I don’t have to be a great basketball player.

I don’t have to be a great basketball player.

I don’t have to dribble the ball fast

or throw the ball into the basket.

(Loud laughter and applause)

I don’t have to dribble the ball fast

or throw the ball in the basket.

Because, all I have to do is to be the best Michael I can be.

All I have to do is to be the best Michael I can be.

Because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.

(Laughter and applause)

Because I’m good enough,

I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

(Cheers and applause)

Now, don’t you feel better?

Well, I’ve really never felt bad.

Michael,

No, it’s true.

Stuart, I guess, pretty much of the time,

I’m a very happy person.

I’m a blessed person.

God gave me the talent to play basketball

and I have been able to spread some of that talent

and some of that good feeling towards everybody

and inspired other people.

Help people achieve their dreams.

I am just a fool.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

They’re going to cancel the show.

I’m going to die homeless and 20 pounds overweight

and no one will ever love me.

Stuart, that’s just not true.

I think what you’re saying on your show

can be very helpful to people.

You think so?

Yes.

Definitely.

I just don’t think it helps beating yourself up that way.

You’re right, it’s just thinking, thinking.

And after all, this show is your dream.

It’s a good dream.

you deserve to have dreams come true.

You feel better?

Would you like a hug?

(Laughter and applause)

Thank you, Michael.

Thank you, Stuart.

You know what, I think this is the best show I’ve ever done.

And you know what?

I deserve it because I’m good enough.

I’m smart enough.

And doggone it, people like me.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

Oh, Michael, Michael, you know,

you is much more cute in personal than you is in TV.

Thank you.

And you know something, you know what I like?

I like, you know, go to lay your shot and everything

and you stick your tongue out, it’s so sexy?

Thank you.

No, no, no, you know, can I just tell you something?

You know, most people, they want your autograph and everything.

I do not want your autograph.

You know what I want? No.

OK, let me tell you, ok.

Now, I used to play basketball in high school, right?

And I was thinking that maybe, you know, later on, me and you,

we go play a little one on one.

I don’t think so.

Okay, I understand, I understand.

But Miguel ( Speaking Spanish) how you say, you know, Michael,

I just want to say that you know, I just want to know,

are you married?

Yes, I am.

Oh, me too.

And I just wanted to know, you know, you’re married,

I wanted to know if your wife, if she was around, you know?

I really got to go.

OK, OK, OK, one last thing, you know,

you could really make my dream come true because

it has been my lifelong dream, ok,

to be a Laker girl like Paula Abdul.

Well, I don’t play for the Lakers,

I play for the Bulls.

So, Lakers Bulls, same thing, right?

Well, not exactly.

Oh, you don’t have get loud at me

just because I made a mistake and everything, OK?

I wasn’t getting loud.

Yes, you was, you was getting loud at me and

I think that you know - eh, don’t push me.

I really got to go.

You don’t have to push me, I could sue you.

Hey, don’t make me take away everything you earned.

Hey, you seen him pushing me?

And I don’t play- excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

(Applause)

(Music)

(Phil Hartman speaking) Live from Compton, California, BETTV,

that’s Black Entertainment Television presents,

The Dark Side with NAT X.

The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother,

that’s strictly for the brothers.

Now, get ready for a man’s so black, he could be navy.

Step back, ’cause here comes Nat.

(Music and applause)

Peace, brothers and sisters.

I’m Nat X and welcome to the Dark Side.

The only 15 minute show on TV.

Why only 15?

Because 16 would give the man a rash.

I see we all know who the man is.

I’m talking about the man that invented the game of chess.

A game that for some racist reason cannot start

unless the white piece moves first.

(Laughter)

I’m talking about the same man, that every time he crashes

his car into a school bus and has to go to court,

his defense is, "Your honor, I blacked out."

Blacked out, what does that mean?

All of a sudden, you became an evil black man?

Alright, it’s time for a new segment on the show.

It’s called, what would have happened, if they were black.

Now, what we do here, is take crimes committed

by white celebrities and asked the question,

what would have happened if they were black?

Tonight, Eva Montgomery writes,

"Dear Nat, what would have happened

if Peewee Herman was black?

Well, if Peewee Herman was black,

not only would he be arrested for indecent exposure

but they would have given him another 10 years

for blocking the screen

with his big African American penis.

(Laughter and applause)

Mr. Herman, you better thank the Lord you ain’t black.

(Music) (Police sirens)

The white man cam!

The revolution will not be tolerated.

Get out of here!

Boy, I haven’t had that much fun since I hang out with O.J.

Now, my first guest tonight, is a member of one

of the most talented musical family in the country,

please welcome, Latoya Jackson.

(Funk music) (Cheers and applause)

Sit your no talent ass down!

(Loud laughter and applause)

Before we start, I want to say that I’m here to talk

about my book and my career and not my brother Michael.

OK, so I hear, you went out on tour.

Yes, well, it started in Japan and then we went to Mexico.

I don’t care about that.

I want to know about Michael.

What’s up with Michael, all right?

I heard he’s got a brain in a jar.

Why is it so interesting that my brother keeps

a human brain in his bedroom?

Have you ever think about what you just said?

(Laughter)

I’d rather not.

Now, I hear you’re going to be in playboy again.

That’s right, make sure you buy it.

Buy? Why should we buy?

We saw what you had last time.

What you got now?

A third boob or something?

(Laughter)

What’s that? What’s going on?

Hey, look who’s here.

A man, Spike Lee.

(Loud cheers and applause)

I was just walking by the studio,

I’m a big fan so I thought I’d drop by.

Spike, why don’t you sit down and have a seat?

You have such an interesting guest, Nat.

Latoya, scoot your I-wish-I-was-Janet-ass over.

(Loud laughter and applause)

So Spike, I see you got your Nat X hat on.

Now, I see these hats all over town but I ain’t got a dime yet.

No, this is from the new film Malcolm X

and we hope to win Oscars on this one.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar,

you always worrying about the white man’s assets.

Boy, you don’t need no Oscar, I got an award for you right here.

What’s that?

I called this the Buster.

(Laughter and applause)

Now every year, I give a Buster to one of my favorite films

and this year, my favorite film is Jungle Fever.

Now, some of the films that have won this award, Superfly,

The Mac, Cotton Comes to Holland, Shaft in Africa,

Good Films.

So, I hope you’re happy to get this award.

Thank you.

(Loud cheers and applause)

Now, I like Jungle Fever.

Interracial romance and all that but,

couldn’t you have got a sister to play that part of the white girl?

(Laughter)

I mean, there’s a lot of out of work sisters out there.

What about Thelma from good times?

(Laughter and applause)

Mr. Nat, when are we please going to talk about my book?

Oh boy, your book.

OK, let’s talk about your book.

It’s called, Latoya: Growing Up In The Jackson Family.

Yes, Mr. Nat, as it says in my book, I was abused.

You were abused?

We had to listen to that album, that’s abuse.

(Laughter and applause)

Please, Spike, I had a very rough childhood.

Rough childhood?

You had a rough childhood?

I’ll tell you about rough childhood.

I’ll tell you about a boy that was born in Alabama.

Father was sharecropper, mama was a maid

for homeless white people.

(Laughter)

But that didn’t bring him down.

That did not bring that boy down.

Today, our boy is in show business and he’s a big star.

Is that you, Nat?

No, that’s not me. I’ll slap you white.

(Laughter)

Lasamia, get out of here before she starts singing.

Get your non-Janet ass out here.

What’s wrong with you?

All right, we got to go.

I want to thank my main man, Spike Lee.

Peace, two fingers.

(Cheers and applause)

Tune in next week and watch me pull a white man out of a hat.

Stay strong, brothers.

(Cheers and applause)

(Elevator doors opens)

Hey, you’re Michael Jordan?

Yeah, yes, I am.

Wow, I think you’re the greatest basketball player

that ever lived, honest.

Thank you.

It’s like meeting Lincoln or something.

(Laughter)

I bet people come up to you all the time

and just talk about nothing, you know,

because they’re nervous or whatever, right?

Yeah.

* O, say can you see? *

* By the dawn’s early light. *

I bet you hear that a lot, huh?

Hey, you’re right.

Before a game, right?

Yeah.

* What so proudly we hailed, *

* at the twilight’s last gleaming *

Hey, that’s pretty good.

Yeah? Yeah.

* Whose broad strip and bright stars, *

* through the perilous fight. *

Hey, how did they pick guys to sing that song before the games?

I mean, what does that?

No, I really don’t know. Really? You don’t know?

No.

I was just wondering, because you might as well know,

I’m a semiprofessional singer.

I’m a power singer.

I’m not afraid to take the melody and make it my own,

you know.

Yeah? Yeah.

Good Yeah.

Your floor is coming huh?

I’ll just give you a little demonstration.

* Gave proof through the night *

* that our flag was still there. *

I’m just a player.

No, no, no, no, no, wait, Michael, no, you better tame me,

plenty of my life, just enjoy.

(Mumbling)

* For the land of the free. *

You know, why don’t you just call the stadium?

You know, I mean...

* That our flag was still there. *

(Bell rings)

Oh, don’t get off, don’t get off, I get to the last part,

* and the home of the brave. *

(Cheers and applause)

Thank you.

All right?

All right.

Hey, that was my slam dunk.

(Loud cheers and applause)

(Music)

Thanks, thanks everybody.

Keep hoping live, I enjoyed it.

(Cheers and applause)

(Music)