Original subtitles

[yelling and chanting]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thanks. Sorry.

Good luck.

You couldn't find a bigger rat?

Ah!

Exciting day. What's happening?

I was doing crowd control

when that huge balloon rat spooked my horse.

Well, I'm a bit of a horse whisperer,

so I'll talk to her.

She better hurry up. Breakfast ends at 10:00.

It's a joke.

Ah!

Hi, Officer.

Wow. Ok.

Even for someone your size, that is a lot of granola.

Alright. Good job.

Alright, you stopped.

That's impressive.

Yeah. I grew up with horses.

No, man.

They got a crepe station and a waffle bar!

Why don't you come on over here.

[Frank] Here you go.

I'll get you back to the truck.

[snorts]

No?

Well, she's either still afraid of that huge rat

or very anti-union.

You want me to go outside and deflate the rat?

Shred, as much as I'd like to see you get your ass kicked

by a bunch of economically strapped culinary workers...

[yelling and chanting]

I think we need to find another way out of here.

Officer Shaw and Officer Wilbur exiting the building.

Shred, if you're outside, take pictures.

I look... awesome.

[theme song]

♪

♪

I think I'm gonna break up with Camila.

What are you talking about?

I just keep thinking about Emily

and it's not fair to Camila, so we have to break up.

Next vacation day I get,

I'm flying to Europe and I'm gonna do it in person.

It's the honorable thing.

Honorable, rash, insanely expensive and, uh,

I'm not sure you have the time.

Why wouldn't I have enough time?

Emily asked about you.

Oh, my god! What did she say?

She said she was interested.

What?! And then what did you say?!

I told her you were with Camila.

And then what did she say?!

Seriously, let go of my arm.

Ok. Sorry.

I said you were totally into Camila

and that she should go on a date with Rick

because he asked her to dinner... in Canada.

What?! Rick?! Canada?!

She was just asking if she should even go out with him.

Well, thanks to you, now the clock's ticking

and I have to tell Emily how I feel.

Well, just tell her!

Frank! I can't make a move on Emily

before I've broken up with Camila!

It wouldn't be honorable.

What is this, feudal Japan?

Just call her and then talk to Emily.

I have to look Camila in the eyes when I do it, Frank.

You sound like a serial killer.

Just call her!

Shred, come here.

Hey.

Hey, do you want to see something extremely cute?

Always.

Ok. This little girl sent me a letter

asking for a unicorn license.

This is like exactly what I would have done

when I was little.

That's adorable.

I know. She wants to keep it in her backyard.

You should write her back on official stationary.

That is an amazing idea.

Yeah. And maybe like put glitter inside the envelope.

[gasps] Yes!

Wait, were you also once a little girl

with a unicorn obsession?

[laughs]

You were.

I have to make a quick FaceTime call.

Ok.

Oh, good lord.

Did you wipe the bike down after?

I always do, come on.

Cause there's often a puddle.

Buddy, you're not gonna be able to bring me down today.

I'm riding so high.

I got a full night's sleep for the first time in 11 years.

Don't let your endorphins cloud how not ok that outfit is.

Yeah, it's a micro-aggression.

All three kids slept through the night.

I mean, I don't wanna jinx this thing, but maybe I will.

I'm whipping this bitch called parenthood

and there's no looking back.

Next!

Maybe next you should have a quick rinse.

Yeah? Or maybe I should do this.

Oh!

Now you're gonna have to wipe that down

and the plant.

Hey, everyone, I have some...

um, some sad news. C-38 died.

Oh my god, really?

[Emily] Yeah.

The cougar? What happened?

From the stills form the trail camera

it seems like natural causes,

but they've asked if we can come pick up the body.

I'll get him.

I'll come with you.

Alright. Good luck guys.

I'll just be here crushing it.

You should shower, please.

It's what C-38 would have wanted.

[FaceTime chimes]

[exhales]

Shred! What's up, bro?

Cole? What are you doing with Camila's phone?

Ah, dude, she left it in the lodge.

She's up on the mountain. Why, what's up?

Where are you right now?

Seattle. Hey, can you have her call me back?

It's kind of important, man.

Totally, dude.

Cool.

Yo, what's Seattle like?

I'm sorry, Cole, I actually gotta, I gotta jump, man.

Yeah, Austria is weird man.

The snow is like total concrete.

Alright, just have her, just have her call me.

Ok.

There he is.

What are you doing?

I'm covering the camera.

I want you to be able to mourn in private.

I'm fine.

Come on, Frank.

You guys had a really special connection.

You literally risked your job to save that animal.

I have tissues, I think.

I'm good.

You can just help me get him in the truck.

You know what?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna give you a moment alone with him.

I'll be right here.

Victoria...

Are you crying?

No. Will you help?

I'm sorry.

Help me.

I thought you were crying.

Right, and I'm the one with the emotional issues.

Ok, I'll just do this by myself.

[Rick] Oh, that's perfect! Maybe add a rainbow.

Ok, what is it with you and rainbows?

That's four now. It's crazy.

Hey! Party's in here I guess.

Oh, Shred. Rick had the best idea.

Oh, it's not really anything.

It's just an add-on to your awesome letter idea.

Yeah, well there's no I in unicorn.

Except for the one.

We're making an actual unicorn license for Sophie

and then I'm gonna take it to her house

and present it to her.

That's amazing. I love that.

Rick, what are you doing here in the office?

I just stopped by to say hi.

Drop off some coffees.

That is your jam. I love it.

Hey, I'm gonna go on a bagel run for the office.

Anyone want anything?

Wait, you're doing a bagel run?

Yeah. Are you ok?

Is this about C-38?

Do you guys want bagels or not?

I will take a blueberry.

No.

Plain.

I'll just do like a...

[in unison] Poppyseed.

No!

Are you kidding me?

No one likes poppyseed!

Did you hear that?

Hey, Frank,

you're getting all these bagels for the whole office

and probably some orange juice, I'm guessing.

Do you think you need somebody

to help you carry all that?

Good call.

Yeah.

Does... does Rick seem logical?

Just cause everyone else here is providing

a professional service.

Uh, nope. I need Rick on sparkle duty.

Oh, that's coming from the top, my friend.

Can't do anything about that.

Alright, Shred. Let's go.

Ok.

Ok, let's get serious here.

Ok, let's get serious with another rainbow!

You took me out of the picture with a bagel run?

Why don't you just get them a hotel room together?

You know what, I'm out. I'm out of the triangle.

You can't get out of the triangle.

You made the triangle.

Oh, just call Camila!

I tried.

This guy named Cole answered the phone.

He took my message

but he's had a bunch of concussions.

Shocker. Why don't you call her back?

Calling her back.

[FaceTime chimes]

[exhales]

Shred! What's up, dude?

Hey, Cole, you still have Camila's phone.

[Cole] I forgot to give it back to her, dude.

That is my bad.

[Shred] I really need to talk to her, bud,

so if you could give it back to her, I'd appreciate it.

I am on a weird Austrian bus all by myself right now,

but I will give it back to her.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, dude. No worries.

I'll talk to you soon, bro.

Cole seems solid.

Hi, I'm Emily from Animal Control.

Hi, did you get my letter?

I did and I have something very special to give you.

Thank you so much for doing this.

Are you kidding?

It's the best part of my job.

That's my cat, Olive.

That's my cat, Monkey.

[meows]

And that's my cat French Fry, the white one.

He's asthmatic.

Oh, French Fry.

Ok, Sophie, this certificate is giving you permission

to keep exactly one unicorn in your backyard

as long as you follow

all of the official animal control unicorn keeping rules.

Thank you.

I'd also like to present you

with the official Animal Control regulation binder

which is filled with all of the rules

that we follow every single day

to take care of the city's animals.

All the rules?

And the subsections too.

Oh, thank you, Sophie.

[meows]

[Donna] Oh, look.

Elmer is here for the great news as well.

Oh, you guys have a fourth cat.

Mmhmm.

Can I just take a quick peek at that binder?

Check something about four cats...

Hey! How'd it go with the unicorn girl?

Um, well I gave her the license

and then I robbed her of her innocence

by taking away her cat.

Why would you do that?

Well, you know, section 12, subsection 17a, article V.

"Private residences may have up to,

"but not in excess of three cats."

And Sophie had four.

Sophie had a choice of what cat had to go.

So... Sophie's choice.

[Shred laughs]

Great movie.

Yeah, I like it.

[meows]

Thanks.

Hey, are you ok?

I'm sorry Rick's idea went so horribly.

Empanadas, everyone.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm still full from bagels

but I could have an empanada.

Everybody dig in. They're on me.

Wait, did you say, "they're on me?"

Yeah.

I'm just gonna say it,

I'm really worried about you.

Hey, can we not judge his grieving process?

Thank you.

Is this spinach, you think?

Espinaca.

You've just had like no reaction to C-38's death

and I want you to know that it's ok to let it out.

I saw him in person once and I feel attached.

You remember when we saw him together?

Yeah.

I apologize for not breaking down more.

And doing two separate food runs.

Still no thank yous, by the way.

[all] Thank you!

Too late.

I just feel like you need something to help you

process your grief.

No, I don't.

That cougar was arguably your best friend.

It wasn't a person. It was a wild animal.

And animals literally die every second.

It's nature.

So, for the last time, I'm fine.

Oh, I've got an idea.

I hate to say this, but I'm gonna call Templeton.

[bagpipes humming]

♪

♪

Thank you, Templeton

and thank you Victoria for bringing us all together

to celebrate the life of our beloved cougar, C-38.

We will all feel his absence for a long time

as we struggle to imagine a Seattle without him.

[drumming sounds]

Sorry, are there drums?

Guys!

Hey! Keep it down.

It's the wrong soundtrack for a funeral.

Diminishes the haunting beauty of my Kilberry.

Ok, where was I? Um...

She's so clumsy.

[Emily] Oh, no...

Like a newborn foal.

You know what? I can do it without...

C-38 lived a long life for a cat,

'cause 12 years for a human would be,

like, really tragic.

Ah, but you know, pivoting from that

he was... special to us all.

Would anyone else like to say a few words?

Frank?

I'm good.

Ok. Well, then Jack, would you do us the honors?

Color Party, attention.

[grunts]

Shoulder arms.

[grunts]

Squad, regimental salute. Present arms.

[grunts]

[Patel] Oh, they're using the net guns.

Wow.

Squad, shoulder arms.

[grunts]

[drumming]

Are you kidding me?

[Victoria] Hey, Frank, um...

Frank, you don't have to...

Oh, boy.

Hey!

Do you not see that there's a funeral 30 feet from here?

Could this completely out of sync noise pollution

have waited until we were gone?

Uh... uh...

[drumming continues]

Hey, man!

[crashing]

How many bongo trophies do you guys have?

There's one!

Frank!

Now it sounds better, I guarantee it.

[Frank] There you go!

That stupid...

That may not be entirely about the drums.

[Emily] This is turning into a day.

Frank falling apart. I confiscated that cat.

It's just, Sophie loves rules so much,

I felt like it would be confusing for her

to break my own regulations.

It feels like it was kind of my fault,

the license was my idea.

No.

[chuckles] Love that accountability, Rick.

I'm just totally gonna have French Fry nightmares.

I guess this whole thing

has sort of turned into a nightmare.

You were doing what you thought was right.

Yeah, I think I messed up.

Maybe on this one,

we don't follow the rules.

I like where you're going.

Mind if I plus that idea?

Maybe there's a loophole on this one.

Households can't have more than three cats,

but what if it wasn't a cat?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, so good.

Right?

So good!

Yes!

Are we thinking the same?

- Yes! - Oh, my god.

You the man!

Guys, what's so good?

[Emily] I took French Fry from you this morning

and that was not very nice.

Though she was just following protocol.

Right.

But when I took French Fry to Animal Control,

something magical happened.

What?

[both gasps]

French Fry turned into a caticorn.

So now you have three cats

and a magical caticorn,

and that's not in violation of any Seattle code.

No.

It's just all so magical.

Yeah.

I love him. Thank you.

♪

Okay, don't get too wasted, Carol.

Oh, man. I need a drink.

It's open bar. Collette's treat.

Uh... no, no, no. I said I got the first round.

That's it. That's it.

Thirty year-old scotch, can you cancel that, please?

And the queso starter. Thank you.

Everything cool with you?

Long day. I just had a bunch of neuter jobs.

Mm. I got fixed a month ago.

You're doing the Lord's work.

[Patel] I'm at the top of both my parenting and sex game

but more kids?

It's a good thing I can't have them.

So, uh, which one do I blow into?

[flirtatious laughter]

This one. I'll show you.

[bagpipes humming]

That's lovely. What is that?

The opening bars of Sexual Healing.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey.

Hi.

Um, I actually wanted to talk to you about something

when you get a second.

I think I have a second right now.

Well, now's not good, actually.

Soon.

Soon will be good but not now.

Ok.

There he is!

Oh.

Bye.

[glass clinking]

Everybody, could you bring it in?

I should probably address the elephant in the room.

Hey, uh-nah. We're off the clock here.

[crowd laughs]

Sorry about those bongos I almost hit you with, Jack.

Mmhmm.

I obviously lost my mind earlier

and though drum circles and hippies are a scourge,

my behavior was not warranted.

This is weird, but I looked up to C-38.

I mean, if he were here,

he'd kill most of us who couldn't run fast.

Sorry, Patel.

He had a set of steak knives

at the end of each of his paws.

So cool.

You know, I always kind of looked at him

as a beautiful, lone wolf who was a cougar.

Yeah, it's getting away from me.

I'm gonna miss him.

[phone rings]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry, Frank!

Hey, Camila. Let me...

Let me just get somewhere quiet.

Let's raise a glass to C-38, shall we?

Yes!

[all] To C-38!

[Frank] Next round is on me, guys.

Nothing top-shelf.

[voice] Thanks Frank.

Oh, no.

Oh, Patel...

I'm sorry, I should have warned you

my toasts have been known to bring the house down.

It's not your words. It's my life.

Maya's pregnant.

[Victoria] How? You got a vasectomy.

One in 1,000 don't take.

I'm one in 1,000.

This is good news, buddy.

Absolutely.

It's a blessing. Excuse me.

[Camila] Shred, hey, guess what?

What?

[Camila] My whole family came into town.

They surprised me at the race.

Amazing!

Hey, do you have a second?

There's something I wanted to talk to you about.

What's up?

I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be.

Oh, my god. Mama...

[speaking in Spanish]

Camila, I care about you so much,

but being apart has been harder than

I thought it would be

and this could be the biggest mistake of my life,

but I think we should break up.

You're handling this with incredible grace.

Is this how you tell me?

Ok, spotty reception.

I can't believe this.

I wish I didn't have to do it like this,

in front of your entire family and... Cole.

[Cole] What's up, dude?

[Camila] This is about Emily, isn't it?

No. I... I wouldn't do that.

Nothing's happened yet. I'm honorable.

Es stupido!

Oh, she spit right on the camera.

And you also suck as a snowboarder.

Wait, Camila! Camila!

This probably isn't a redial situation.

[Templeton] Probably not.

[Dolores] Yeah, definitely not.

[laughter]

[bagpipes humming]

[laughter and bagpipes hum]

Hey.

Wanna buy a boat?

Yeah.

What did you do to your hand?

Oh, snagged it on a snare drum

that I threw into the woods.

Did you disinfect it?

Yes.

With a filthy poncho.

You're an idiot.

Absolutely.

Thank you for today.

Sure.

Really.

Anytime.

Really.

[Patel] Why am I so fertile?!

[vomiting]

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

I should help him.

Yeah, I'm gonna help him.

Yeah.

Ok, buddy, let's get you back inside.

[Patel] One in 1,000.

Yeah.

Ok, well you still owe me a dinner date,

so don't think I forgot about that.

I think I shot a little low last time.

Uh, Paris? Let's do... well Paris.

Yeah, you know,

that just feels like a second date type of a thing.

Well, you pick the place.

I'll go anywhere.

Hey, Jack, Jack, Jack. Have you seen Emily?

No, but have you seen this?

Oh.

I can't...

♪ As I was a goin' over

♪ the cork and Kerry mountains ♪

♪ I met with captain Farrell

♪ and his money he was counting ♪

♪ I first produced me pistol

♪ and then I threw me rapier ♪

♪ I said "stand and deliver"

♪ for you are the grand deceiver ♪

♪ Mush-a ring dumb-a do dumba-a da ♪

♪ Whack fall me daddy-o, whack fall me daddy-o ♪

♪ There's a whiskey in the jar ♪

[cheering]

Oh, no, no, no. We're good.

Uh-oh. Shred.

Hey.

How's the love life?

Not good.

I'm sorry, partner. Let me get you a drink.

What did you call me?

Hm?

You said "partner".

Tell anyone and I'll kill you.

Well, I won't... partner.

Let me get a blueberry mojito.

Make that two.

He's drinking both.

NARRATOR: The new comedy, "Animal Control"