Original subtitles

I once knew a man called Cedric McGuinne, who

is enormously greedy and was forever

poking about all over the house looking for stuff to eat.

One day, and I'm not making this up,

he opened a cupboard in the dining room

and found the paper bag full of round white things.

Cedric had a passion for peppermints,

so he grabbed a handful and bung them into his mouth

and started crunching them up.

Well, they happened to be moth balls.

And the camphor burned his tongue so badly

he couldn't eat for a week.

The story you're going to see in a few moments,

by one of the really great short story writers of our time, John

Collier, is about a couple of people who are also rather

greedy, but in a different way.

And a 5, 6, 7, 8.

Left. Left.

Little bit more left. Good.

Good. Faster.

That's good.

On a nondescript street, in a town where nothing much ever

happens, the wheel of fortune is about to take

a rather unlikely spin.

[phone ringing]

Madame Myra.

Oh, there's got to be some mistake.

Let me get my checkbook.

All right.

Let me get that checkbook.

OK, I got my book.

Now, let me see.

I mailed that on--

I mailed that on Tuesday, you should have it now.

Yeah, buster, I read the future.

But I don't know what the post office is going to do.

Like, I told you, I put it in the mail.

[knocking]

Just one moment.

[knocking]

Coming.

[knocking]

Be patient.

[knocking]

Future will wait.

Just one moment.

Coming.

You tell fortunes?

Yes, I do see into the future.

Lady downstairs wouldn't take me.

I can't imagine why not.

Come on in.

And close the door behind you.

I'm new in town.

And you want me to tell you all

the terrific, wonderful things that

are going to happen to you?

Right?

I went to that lady downstairs,

her sign said, all ages.

So I figured that I could learn how to dance like Fred Astaire.

Because if I could--

if I learn how to dance like Fred Astaire,

then I can meet some babes.

And you want me to tell you if you can learn

how to dance like Fred Astaire?

No, she already told me.

But she said you could tell me if there

is any babes in my future.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I could divine that for you.

Come on over here.

You sit down in this chair right over, come here.

I'm going to have to bring up a very poor subject here.

What's that?

Money.

Now, it's 5 bucks for a quick glimpse into the future,

and it's 10 bucks for a long gaze forward.

What's the difference?

You want to know what's going to happen next week

or next year?

So $5 I get one week, and $10 I get the whole year?

Well, I'm no dummy.

I'll take a whole year.

You'd be surprised, you're a lot more farsighted

than a lot of people.

No kidding.

Well I got a small problem.

Oh yeah?

I don't have 10 bucks.

$5.

Now, I spend my last dime on the bus.

I'm a new in town, remember?

- Out. - Now wait a minute.

Out.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You got anything busted?

Busted?

That's right, busted.

Everybody's got something that's busted.

You know?

And that's what I do.

I fix broken things.

Broken hearts?

That's pretty funny.

I mean, it's not ho ho funny, but hehe funny.

Busted?

I got this toaster over here.

It won't pop toast up anymore.

And I got that television set that went out on me right

in the middle of John Dean.

- The Watergate guy? - Yeah.

Well?

Toaster.

You fix my toaster, I'll tell your fortune.

$10 fortune?

OK, $10 fortune.

Got a screwdriver?

[ding]

All fixed.

See, that's what I do for a living.

I fix broken things.

I'm really impressed, Charlie.

Come here and sit down.

Let's see what the future holds.

OK.

Cut.

You a real gypsy?

You bet I am.

OK.

Hm.

OK, pretty good.

What do you see?

You see a babe?

How about money?

I'll settle for money.

You have a rich relative, an aunt,

uncle, anything like that?

Only relative I got is my uncle Jake.

He's always telling me what he's going

to buy me when a ship comes in.

I'm still waiting for it to dock.

See these double 8s here, Charlie?

They show that you're coming to a fork in your life.

Now, if you take one path, it's going to lead you to wealth--

incredible wealth.

And if you take the other path, it's

going to lead you to nothing.

How do I know which one to take?

Well, you see this red King, right here?

That's the King of wealth.

This red naive is his messenger.

You are going to have a message soon, really soon,

about great wealth.

Wait a minute.

Let me try it again.

Let me try it again. Right.

Yeah, OK.

All right.

Hey, these are exactly the way they were before.

Yup, there's--

Don't!

Don't touch anything.

It's too bad, Charlie.

You-- you could have been a very rich man.

What do you mean?

Well, you remember-- remember the double 8s right here?

The two paths, one leading to wealth and the other

to nothing.

So just-- just point me in the right direction.

Well, you have to get married.

Married?

I don't know any babes?

Oh, this couldn't be just any babe.

This would have to be a woman who had certain qualifications,

certain specific things.

Such as?

This woman would have to have dark hair-- it says

it right here in the cards.

The cards demand it--

dark eyes, she'd have to be divorced,

she would use her hands to make a living,

and the Red Queen demands that she be

an air sign, that's a Gemini.

Says it right there.

What sign are you?

Gemini.

Have you ever been married?

Divorced.

But that's not all.

The cards demand that the woman you marry

have a mark of fortune.

A mark of fortune?

This woman has to have three moles on her left shoulder.

I'm in love.

You want me to do what?

Be my matron of honor.

You mean to tell me that you're going to marry that--

that-- that rhinoceroses.

Saturday.

It was a joke.

Myra, I sent him upstairs to you with a bad joke.

Grace, you know how sometimes the cards work?

I mean, really work?

Honey, you can't marry him.

He's a minus zero, worth zilch.

They say that he is going to inherit a lot of money

from a close relative.

I mean, a lot of money, Grace.

A lot.

Honey, I don't care if he's going

to inherit a million dollars.

You're going to have to live with him.

You're going to have to let him--

you know what you're going to have to let him do.

Grace, that's not all.

I laid these cards twice for him,

and each time they came up exactly the same.

I mean, exactly.

You're kidding.

The cars insist he's going to inherit

all this money from a close relative, and then--

Yeah, then what?

And then--

He's gonna what?

Die.

(ON TELEVISION) Look at the instant replay on that one.

Starbeck comes back, hands off to the tailback.

And he gets wrapped up after about a gain of a yard.

But it should be enough for a first done.

It is.

Now, back to live action. [ringing]

Now back--

[ringing]

[ringing]

Will you pick up the phone, please?

All right.

Madame Myra.

Yes, Mrs. Nora.

Yes, I can see right away.

All right, I expect you in five minutes.

Hey slob, out.

I got a client.

Game just started.

The game has always just started.

First, it's basketball, then it's baseball,

now it's football. What comes out of football?

It starts all over again.

Oh, the big fixer.

The man who can fix anything.

You better get that short fixed or you're

going to get electrocuted.

The TV works OK.

It works better than those cards of yours.

You know what you're doing, facko.

You're selling lies.

Keeps you in beer.

It sure does.

Where's my money?

Where's that million dollars I was supposed to get?

Huh, for marrying the girl with the dark eyes

and the mark of fortune?

I never said it was going to be a million bucks.

For six months I've been waiting

around here for a phone to ring, and a letter to come,

and it hasn't.

And now I know why.

Because it was a lie.

You lie to me just like you like every other poor slob

that walks up in this place.

OK, maybe I do lie to them.

But you know what?

It makes them happy.

And I did not lie to you.

I never did.

I have a gift.

And my cards still say you are going to get that--

Your cards are pieces of paper.

I was going to meet a babe.

A babe with a cute smile and go to hell eyes.

And look what I got stuck with.

Look at what I got stuck with.

Look at yourself.

Out, Charlie.

You know what I got my pocket?

$0.38.

Now where am I going to go on $0.38?

I don't know and I don't care.

I mean out anywhere.

Why don't you go downstairs and see Grace,

she's got go to hell eyes.

And maybe there's something she needs fixed.

You are Mya Lacey Dunner.

No, she's upstairs.

What do you want to see her about?

You are?

I'm her husband.

Charles Richmond?

Yeah, that's right.

Hi, my name is Merrihew.

I'm an attorney.

My business is with your wife, Mrs. Dunner.

It's about an inheritance, a sizable inheritance,

I might add.

No, you don't mean her, you mean me.

I mean nothing of the sort.

The person I need to see is Myra Lacey Dunner.

Now then, a few routine precautionary measures.

You're mother's maiden name?

Geraldine Dorthy Johnson.

All right.

Some gypsy.

And do you have a copy of your birth certificate?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Here it is.

All right.

And right.

Everything seems to be in order.

You are who you say you are.

Well then.

You had a great aunt on the mother's side.

You mean old aunt Faith?

Faith Mary Parkas.

She was a maiden lady, taught school for 48 years,

and she invested wisely.

Very wisely, I should add.

She passed on three months ago in a nursing home

at the age of 92.

I used to write her Christmas cards

but I stopped a long time ago.

I never thought--

How much?

I beg your pardon.

How much did the old lady leave?

That's really a matter for Mrs. Dunner.

I'm her husband, Jack.

How much?

Well, that would all depend.

Most of her assets were in blue chip stocks.

She bought IBM in 1932.

But if everything were liquidated,

the estate would bring in, after taxes and legal fees,

of course, about $350,000.

$350,000.

Here's my card.

I'm the corresponding attorney for your late aunt's attorneys

on the coast.

If you'd like come to my office tomorrow, about 10:00,

then we can start on the paperwork.

I'll be there.

$350,000.

Whoa.

Do you have a will, Mrs. Dunner?

A will?

No, I haven't got a will.

What would I need a will for?

Well, you're a rich woman now.

Anything would happen to you, everything would,

of course, go to your husband.

But you might like to think about that.

Yeah.

I'll do that. I'll think about it.

I'll let myself out.

[thunder]

Why aren't you watching your game, Charlie?

I was thinking of going down and digging your fish pond.

It's a little late for that, Charlie.

What do you mean?

I'm leaving you, Charlie.

But I am leaving you all this.

You're not leaving me.

Think again.

I get half.

Half the money is mine.

You'll have to find me.

Don't worry about it, Charlie.

The cards still say you're going to be very, very rich.

They do, huh?

Maybe the cards will turn out to be right after all.

I'm going to go down and work on your fish pond.

It's raining.

Oh, that's all right.

The fish don't mind.

I told him I was leaving him.

Now that is good news.

That is very good news.

Did he make a fuss?

He went out to dig the fish pond.

In the rain?

Uh huh.

So while we were talking, or arguing--

I don't know, whatever it is we were doing--

I dealt the cards for him again and they still

say that he's going to be rich.

And?

And then he's going to die.

The Lord and Master.

He still expects you to cook?

Who knows what Charlie expects.

Oh, Charlie.

What are you, the abominable mud man?

Those cards, baby.

Listen, would you go drip in the bathroom, please.

All right, what about the cards?

They're right after all.

Look.

Yeah.

You found $1 bill in the mud, Charlie.

That's wonderful.

It's not $1.

It's a $50.

Hey, you're right Charlie.

You're rich.

Cheers.

Mud in your eye.

Myra.

It wasn't alone.

It wasn't all by itself.

What do you mean?

I got out to dig the pond, right?

All of a sudden, I hit something with my shovel.

I thought it was a rock.

But when I hit it again, it sounded more like tin.

So I got down on my knees, in the mud,

and I started to dig up.

Dig what out?

The box.

Yeah, see, there's a tin box, or maybe it was steel,

I don't know.

But it had a lock on it.

And so, I hit the lock with a shovel and it wouldn't open.

So I hit it again, and I hit it again, and I hit it again.

It finally opened.

And it opened, and inside was a whole bunch of $50 bills.

Hundreds of $50 dollar bills.

The cards right.

The cards were right.

I'm rich.

And so are you.

I knew it.

Where's the box?

Outside.

Outside?

Well, go bring it in, Charlie.

No see, we're going to go out and bury it again.

We'll keep it for a nest egg.

I mean, if we bring it inside then

we just got to pay taxes on it.

Oh yeah, that's right.

Are you sure you want to bury you again?

Yeah.

And I want you to know exactly where I buried it.

In case anything ever happens to me.

Oh gee, Charlie.

That is really decent of you.

Oh.

I got thinking when I started digging

this pond thinking it's going to lead me to all this money.

- Where is it? - See, there it is, right there.

I don't see it.

Well, you got to bend down a little bit and look.

- Where? - Right there.

[scream]

You know what?

I saved a little bit here, and I saved a little bit there,

and I got $50.

And you know what else?

You changed my life.

You know, when you said I got a whole lot of money

from a rich relative.

That's you.

[scream]

I found my million dollar baby.

Ba da.

I found a million dollar baby at the 5 and 10 cent store.

Ba da.

Da, da.

[television chatter]

[music playing]