Original subtitles

Ah. Good morning, Arthur.

Good morning, Percy.

Oh.

Give me the usual, will you?

Pint?

I said the usual--

half pint.

There are some new faces.

Hmm?

Do you happen to have a copy of the local paper?

Oh, I think I've got this week's somewhere.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

How long will you be staying Mr. Jeffries?

I don't know.

About a week, I should think--

10 days, something like that.

On holiday?

No, business.

Market research.

It's on the second floor.

We've no lift, I'm afraid.

I'll get Arthur to help you.

No, that's all right.

I can manage fine.

If you're staying in for dinner,

the restaurant closes at 9.

Oh, thanks.

Mr. And Mrs., you'd think at least

he'd guy her a wedding ring.

Nolan and his wife left for a holiday in Malta--

a member of parliament who will be

speaking in the debate on the common market

agricultural currencies.

Stop working, Jane.

This is a nice little town.

Let's enjoy ourselves.

Hey, how about a movie?

There doesn't seem to be a cinema.

Ah, the Yachting Club have a dance

at the Town Hall on Wednesday.

Well, that's one for you.

You're getting to be a workaholic, love.

I'm getting nervous too.

When that copper stopped us, I thought that was it.

It was only a routine check on car tax evaders.

He asked too many questions and took too many notes.

And your Australian accent's beginning to slip.

Oh.

I'm sorry about that, sport.

And we're still 1,000 pounds from our target.

I think we can manage on less.

No, Steve!

We need 15,000.

Well, look, first there's the single airfares

to Melbourne, and once--

No, Sydney.

--Sydney?

How about a nice little cafe on Bondi Beach?

Look, all you need is bamboo tables and awnings?

It'll be a quarter the price of fitting up a restaurant.

You can wait on the customers in a bikini,

and I'll go surfing when we've washed up the dishes.

How about it?

Waltzing, Matilda.

Waltzing, Matilda.

That Won't you come a' waltzing, Matilda, with--

Come on, sport.

We've got work to do.

Yes?

Good morning.

I'm engaged in market research for Silvertone Methyl Polish.

Well, you've probably heard of us.

No.

Ah.

Oh, would you mind answering a few simple questions--

to help us provide a better product for consumers?

Well, it'll only take a few minutes, really.

And it would help me. - All right.

You'd better come in.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me!

Yeah?

Excuse me.

I'm-- I'm looking for the club secretary.

Oh, I'm afraid he's not here.

But can I help?

Yes, perhaps you can.

I'm doing market research for Silvertone Methyl Polish.

I'm sure you've heard of us.

Well, I--

Well, it's after 11.

Have a glass of sherry.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Oh, what a charming clock.

That was my husband's retirement gift.

It's very nice.

He died at 10 to 3, standing just where you are now.

He was always fiddling with that damn thing.

I'm surprised it goes at all.

Your sherry.

Thank you.

Do sit down.

Uh, cheers.

Cheers.

Now, I understand from the local press

that your club is holding a dance on Wednesday.

That's right-- every year.

Now, what I'd like to do is to approach the organizers.

Now, if you'd be so kind as to give

me their names and addresses.

Oh, I'm not sure I can do that.

Nice little place you got here, isn't it.

You know, I do a bit of sailing myself back home.

- Oh, do you? - Yeah.

Matter of fact, my father, he's secretary

of our local club in Sydney. - Really?

Good afternoon.

I'm engaged in market research for Silvertone Methyl Polish.

Well, you've probably heard of us.

Not today, thank you.

But may I ask you a few simple questions?

Well, I don't know whether I shall be able to answer them.

Well, come inside.

Thank you.

Well, the day wasn't entirely wasted.

I learned enough about sailing to open a marina

when we get to Australia.

I had a Mrs. Milvain, talked her head

off after six sherries.

She must go down for the count if she keeps

after that bottle all day--

plenty of silver, and she lives on her own.

Obliging of her.

Mmm.

But she never goes out, except to shop.

Well, for the sherry.

Presumably.

Oh.

Then there was a Colonel Grant.

Grant?

He insisted on showing me his huge stamp

collection he started in his school days, very boring.

Colonel Grant-- here we are.

He's a member of the Yachting Club

and one of the organizers of the dance on Wednesday.

Oh, I shouldn't count on him being at the dance.

He's only got one leg.

Hell.

Now, I've checked out more than a dozen sailing fanatics,

and I've got the rateable values of their houses.

There are three front runners--

Lady Pope of Balston Hall.

Well, Balston Hall's no good.

There are bound to be servants.

Ah, True.

There's a couple called Slatter--

a Red Roofs Pond Road.

I've been there.

It's got houses on three sides overlooking it.

Hell.

Someone called Tabit--

Millhouse Lane.

I've been there too.

I got coffee and cakes and a lecture of how there's plenty

of work, if only the unemployed would get on their bikes

and look for it.

And I feasted my eyes on cabinets of porcelain.

Ah.

They breed bloodhounds.

Oh.

Oh, this just isn't our day, is it?

And I'm beginning to wonder if time isn't running out on us.

It's not easy here.

And there's plenty of money around.

But it's too built up.

The houses are too close together.

Hmm.

Not like Dorset.

Or Wiltshire.

Oh, Wiltshire was fun.

Wiltshire was five grand.

Well, do we case this town till the end of the week

or move on to somewhere else?

Let's go down to the bar and listen to the local gossip.

Yes.

I was in the library today.

Oh, the usual day--

I didn't have anything to read.

And I-- I came on this--

"Transactions of the Natural History

Society of West Burford."

Yes, 1887-- of course, I'm a bit of a lover

of useless information, a snapper up

of unconsidered trifles.

Now, Arthur.

Just listen to this-- will you just-- are you listening?

The dog is the only animal that dreams

and the only animal that, besides man, feels sorrow.

Hmm.

Yes, the dog is the only quadruped

that's been taught to speak.

Leibniz-- Leibniz, mark you, bears

witness to a hound in Saxony that could

utter distinctly 30 words.

Well now, Arthur, that is not only useless information,

but it's entirely erroneous information, because baboons--

now, baboons have been known to die--

Yes sir?

--from unrequited love.

Two brandys please.

And you know, I--

I knew-- when I was in the desert,

I knew a camel that used to have nightmares.

Oh yes, yes-- regularly woke up half the battalion,

screaming in its sleep.

Really?

Yes, the camel-- not me.

Good evening, sir.

Bonsoir, Mademoiselle.

Oh, that's just alright. I'm in the chair.

Have a drink with us. - Oh, that's very nice.

Yes. I think I'll do.

No, Arthur, whiskey if you don't mind, please.

Yes, large one-- large whiskey.

Well, are you touring?

No.

No, we're working unfortunately.

Oh, well, that was-- that's a big mistake, yes.

What at?

Market research.

Oh, market research.

Now that's something I know nothing about.

It's one of the few things I know nothing about.

Isn't that so, Arthur?

Yes, that's one of them.

Thank you.

2 pounds 30, please, sir.

Yeah.

Charge it, please.

Yes, here's to bonny breath, ayes.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Oh, that was a good one.

Time for me to go, I'd say.

Imagine, a bus service just arranging for the last bus

to leave a half an hour before closing time.

Silly-- isn't it so, Arthur?

Hasta la vista, Arthur.

Arrivederci.

Auf wiedersehen.

Good night.

Good night, Percy.

Ciao, ciao, Beryl.

Is there anybody there, said the traveler

knocking on the moonlit door.

Quite a character.

Oh yes, our old Percy.

Quite a trial too.

Mmm.

He's a regular?

Too regular.

He comes in here twice a week to collect his pension,

do his shopping, go to the library.

Then he blathers on in here till the last bus.

Well, it's all right with people like you-- broad-minded.

But some people take exception.

Especially when he starts his lectures.

Drives us barmy.

Who is he?

Percy?

Seems he's been everything--

in the army, says he was an actor in Shakespeare.

Then I heard he was something big in the antique business.

Then he got into a spot of bother.

Careful, Arthur.

Oh, come on.

Everyone knows about it.

He got into trouble with his taxes.

He talked his way out of it.

But he had to pay up.

Now he lives in a tumble down farmhouse out by Lower Pottage.

Will you both have a drink?

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

I shouldn't have let you buy him that scotch.

See how quick he took it?

Then he spends four hours in here each

Tuesday and Friday with just a half pint.

He could buy drinks for half the town if he wanted.

Not beer, either.

Really?

Well, you wouldn't think so to look at him, would you?

He's loaded.

And I'll tell you something else.

One of the lads from the estate agent's office comes in here.

When Percy bought that cottage, he paid in cash--

all 5-pound notes.

And he never goes to the bank.

But he always pays cash, everywhere.

When he pays at all, that is.

He is sitting on a fortune.

And it's all you can do to get him to pay

for his round, the stingy old--

Lower Pottage--

I don't think we passed that on the way in.

Did we, darling?

Hello.

I didn't hit you, did I?

No. No.

I don't think so.

Good, good.

It's those damn squirrels.

You see, they eat everything I put out for the birds.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm doing market research.

I wondered if you'd mind helping me.

Oh.

Lucky you, my dear.

I wouldn't mind at all.

Would you like to let yourself in?

Yes, thank you.

Good morning.

Ah, good morning.

Ah, yes.

I remember you-- from the bar.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, can you help me with these silly questions.

Silly questions?

Market research.

Ah, yes, market research.

Yes. Yes.

Come on.

Come on.

Market research-- go ahead, go ahead.

Yes, that's one of the few things I know nothing about.

Yes?

There's questions?

Well, it's the way I make a living, you see.

Oh.

You really feel you have to do that, hmm?

What?

Oh, I-- I-- make it-- well, no it's all right.

Go on, sit down.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Just carry on.

Carry on.

Well now, do you do your own cleaning?

Well, nobody helps me in my bath if that's what you mean.

Pity.

I mean housework.

Yes, I suppose you do.

Well, I don't really feel there's any need because, well,

I'm a very orderly person.

A place for everything--

everything in its place.

So I can take it you don't use a methyl polish.

Yes.

That would be a fair assumption, yes.

Oh dear.

I'm afraid I must be wasting your time.

No, no.

Not at all.

Not at all.

On the contrary.

Ah, missed again.

Damn.

What's that?

Well, it's my bracelet.

The clasp's broke and it just keeps falling off.

- Let me have a look? - Oh.

I shouldn't bother with it, really.

I'll probably take it and trade it in somewhere.

But trading in a bracelet?

Well, I know it's not worth much.

But I should get at least a fiver for it anyway.

Hmm, a fiver.

Or maybe 10.

Well, the guy who bought it wasn't a cheapskate.

He'd have spent at least that much on it, I'm sure.

Oh I'm sure the chaps would be falling over each other,

wouldn't they, to lavish rubies and diamonds on you, my dear.

It's a pity nobody ever thought of gold, isn't it?

Well, one day maybe.

Yes.

Well, I think I can give you a tenner for it.

Well, it's very pretty, and I like pretty things.

It'll remind me of you.

I couldn't.

Well, I-- I'll give you 15.

Now, I couldn't go higher than 15, 15.

Well it seems an awful lot.

All right.

It's a deal.

Good.

As I say, it'll remind me of you.

I shan't be a minute.

There-- there you are, hmm?

Well, thank you, if you're sure.

Oh, I don't mind being taken advantage of.

I'm used to it.

Generous to a fault, that's me.

But that's the way I like it.

All right, then.

Ah.

Thank you.

Well, off you pop, hmm?

Before I change me mind.

All right.

Yes.

Well, should I help you to the door?

Yes, thank you.

Yes, nice talk.

Adieu, adieu, my fair young lady.

And may you find your rubies and diamonds.

I'll be quite happy with the gold.

Right.

Good bye.

Arrivederla.

Right.

Hmm.

He fell for it!

He keeps the cash in the room upstairs.

Well done, love.

So there you are.

You see, the dinosaur ruled for 140 million years.

That's right.

And 65 million years ago, according to Professor Toom,

California Research Center, there

was a collision between an asteroid and the Earth.

And the same thing could happen to us, couldn't it?

Hmm?

You wouldn't like that to happen to you-- would you, Beryl.

He's left the light on.

Yes, for the burglars.

Hey, there must be a window we can get in.

Let's try around the back.

Right.

Now, I have a theory that we've

got a survivor in this country, the ichthyosaurus--

the Loch Ness monster!

This room here.

You try the desk.

By the way-- by the way, have you seen our parish church?

Oh?

Biggest fount in Britain.

Must have rather large babies, eh?

We shall be seeing the church.

Ah, good, good. Well, enjoy it.

And don't pinch the candlesticks.

We are here for a funeral.

Not yours, I hope, heh.

Why can't you keep your mouth shut in here?

I beg your pardon?

Yap, yap, yap-- on and on for four hours,

every time you come in here.

What do we get for it?

The price of the half pint.

There's customers who goes to The Swan

because they'd rather listen to a jukebox than you!

Would you mean to say that my customer

is no longer welcome here?

We are entitled by law to refuse to serve

you without giving a reason.

Yes, well, you never mind about the law.

Hmph, I certainly won't stay where I'm not wanted.

Yeah, well, you won't see me again.

Good!

And love to Arthur.

Hmph.

Happy funerals.

Oh.

Hello, Percy.

So they chucked you out then?

No, no, no, well, I've just been barred that's all.

Imagine me being barred by Beryl.

I've missed another coke.

I guess now I'll have to wait a whole hour for another one.

Oh well, I'm off home.

Come on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, early start tomorrow.

Yes, thank you very much-- coming.

It's no good.

There's nothing up here.

Let's try downstairs.

Yeah, thank you.

Good night.

Yeah.

Let's try over here.

That's very kind of you, I'm sure!

Good luck with the humps and bumps.

It's him-- shhh!

There you are.

Maybe he won't come in here.

Well, well, well.

Market research, eh?

Oh, Mr. Percy, thank goodness you've arrived!

There's a--

Where is it?

Where is what?

The cash!

Oh you Oh, you mean you haven't found it yet.

Oh well.

It's not in this area.

Simple really.

Oh dear.

Now, would you mind putting your hands up, please.

Thank you very much.

Both of you!

Yes, see, there's many a slip.

Why, he's wounded!

Help me!

It was just a shot from the woods.

I-- I-- didn't know what had happened.

It was pitch black, and then this shot.

It's all right now, love.

They're looking after him.

I don't know who it was.

A poacher, I suppose.

Well, he ran off, and I--

I got Steve to the car.

Well, we'll need a statement from you later.

But you needn't worry--

oh, here's the doctor. - Is he all right?

Well, and there's a problem.

He's a rare blood group, and we don't have it.

He needs a massive transfusion straight away,

and the nearest stock is in Cambridge.

It will take an hour at least.

But he will be all right?

Oh, I'm sorry.

They're sending the stock from Cambridge just in case.

Yes?

That's right.

Mmm, I see.

Well, it's certainly worth a try.

Ask the priest to get a car over there straight away.

I'll ring it from here and get him standing by.

Hmm.

Yes, I've got it.

Right.

It seems that there is a suitable donor on our books.

Or rather, there was.

This chap's officially off the list now because he's over age.

We can't afford to be choosy though, can we?

A chap called Percy Hamptom.