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1 New Year's Day, 2017...

The first year in a long time

no one was declaring it the year of anything.

Yep, we'd finally given up.

This is dumb. Turn it.

Can't. Remote's gone.

Mm. My nose hurts.

I think I'm getting one of those inside pimples.

Okay, seriously, who's got the remote?

You know, I had this dream last night.

I think it was really good.

- What was it? - For the love of God,

somebody find the remote before she remembers.

You're the one sitting on it!

I'm too tired to get up.

So, we're just gonna watch "Who Ate It Best"?

Oh, I've seen this one. It's the pecan pie battle.

All right, that's it. I'm finding that remote.

Ooh, ahh!

Ooh... chips!

Oh, Axl, that is so gross!

But I'm hungry, so give me some.

You know, there's a coupon for pizza in the kitchen.

Somebody get up and order.

You know, someone else should do it.

I'm having a really hard time today.

April's at her grandma's. I'm stuck here with you people.

I'm a divorcé staying with my parents on New Year's Day.

You think your 2017 is bad?

When I go back to school, I am still stuck

in that fart bucket they call "The Bin."

Not turning into a banner year for me, either.

Cindy had another growth spurt.

Okay, clearly we're all too pathetic to get up,

so I guess we'll just have to go with whoever has to pee.

Oh, damn it!

You know when someone says "pee" I have to go.

Check in the junk drawer under the hammer.

I think the coupons might be stuffed

into Brick's graduation program.

Let's see.

Ooh, what is this?

Oh, it's the Groupon I bought for the Orson Escape Room.

You guys, this expires today and I already paid for it,

so we have to go.

What's an escape room?

You go to this place with a team,

and they lock you in a room.

It has some kind of theme, and you have to solve

these puzzles and clues to get out.

I think the fact that we still live here

proves that we're no good at escaping things.

Look, this was the hottest new thing 18 months ago.

Oh, my God.

This is what she's spending our inheritance on?

Hey, they are starving kids who would give their right arms

for the chance to pay money to escape from a fake room.

We're going.

Great, now I'm a divorcé

going to an escape room with my family.

Congratulations, you've finally pulled me down to your level.

How long is this thing gonna take?

An hour.

Look, I've explained this three times,

and I'm not gonna do it again... We have a Groupon.

But you know what? fine.

If you guys don't want to go, let's just go back inside.

I feel like that's a trick.

Don't you think I'd rather be back on the couch watching TV

instead of trying to make memories with my stupid family?

Hey, Nancy!

Oh, hi, Frankie! Happy New Year!

Uh, slow start for you guys, too, huh?

Oh, no. We've been up for hours.

It was the boys' turn to get up early

and make New Year's breakfast for the girls.

Eggs, bacon, sausage...

We kind of phoned it in this year.

Oh.

We had Pop-Tarts, 'cause we like

to support American businesses.

Now we're off to shovel Mr. Jenkins' driveway.

We just like to help the elderly when we can.

I mean, how can it be a happy new year

if you don't do something for others?

Yeah, well, helping others can be

a little neglectful to your family.

That's why we're going as a family to the Orson Escape Room.

Oh, we did that 18 months ago!

Careful, buddy... There's a lot of mirrors in there.

I know how you get distracted.

You know, uh, we Donahues,

we still hold the record for the fastest time.

Yep... made it out with 1:08 left on the clock.

Well, I think your record's safe,

'cause we're probably gonna suck at it.

That's what so great about you Hecks...

You have fun no matter what.

What was that? That was rude!

Yeah. Did we just get dissed by the Donahues?

Take it from someone with a lifetime of experience...

That was definitely a dissing.

When I said we'll probably suck at the escape room,

they're supposed to say, "No, you'll do great."

That's the social contract.

"Do I look fat in these jeans?"

"No, you look great." Social contract.

Yeah. You said we're dumb, and she pig-piled on it.

And what was that crack about us always having fun?

First of all, we don't have fun.

That's true. We don't.

Then Sean with his little dig about mirrors.

I don't need to check myself out in mirrors.

I know I look good.

And Dotty with her little "1:08 remaining."

- Yeah. - She thinks she's hot stuff,

but I go to school with her.

She apostrophe S's when it's supposed to be plural.

You see Ron giving me that smirk?

Same smirk he had when he won the giant spatula.

Well, the Donahues are going down!

We are gonna get out of that stupid room,

- and we're gonna beat their time. - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Okay.

Right? Are you with me? Come on, Hecks. Let's do this.

Hands in!

Ready? On the count of three. One, two, three.

- Escape room! - Go Hecks! - Let's go! - "A Tale of Two Cities"!

"A Tale of Two Cities"?

I've never done a group cheer before.

Oh.

Welcome to Escape Orson.

First of all, does anyone have any medical conditions

that would prevent them from participating

in the Escape Orson experience?

We probably all have high cholesterol.

Yeah, that's not on my list. Okay.

The escape-room experience is designed for groups of six,

so you'll be paired with this gentleman here... Milt.

Oh. Nice to meet you.

Just so you know, we're trying to beat 1:08.

But we've got a secret weapon... our daughter, Sue, here.

Any board game or puzzle we play, she always wins.

She just has a mind for it. She's so good.

No, no, no. I'm not.

Yes, you are. See?

Social contract. No, it's true.

God gave her that one ability,

and then literally nothing else.

Well, sounds good to me.

I'm just here for a little excitement on my lunch hour.

Your team will be entering the laboratory

of a mad scientist who's created a virus

that, if released, will unleash an army

of zombies upon the Earth.

You'll have one hour to solve the mystery and get out.

You can ask for up to three clues,

which I'll give you on this walkie-talkie.

Now, before your experience begins,

I strongly suggest you use the restroom.

I don't have to go. I promise.

- See? - Okay, let's do this!

Those Donahues are going down!

Okay, hands in. On the count of three.

One, two, three.

- Go Hecks! - "The Red Badge of Courage"!

Brick.

Sorry. It's no "Go Hecks."

Mom! Did you see that guy?

That's David S. Rosenthal!

The author of the "Planet Nowhere" book series

as well as the official "Out of this World Cookbook...

How to Get Your Silligan to Eat Their Vegetables?"

What? No, it's not. It's Milt.

Brick, I don't think a billionaire author is going

to be doing the Orson Escape Room on New Year's Day.

Why would he be here?

It's not my job to ask "Why is he here?"

It's my job to freak out that he is here!

Okay, you've got one hour. Your time starts now.

- I have to pee. - What?! -

I didn't know there'd be bubbling beakers!

Okay, everyone spread out and look for clues.

I'm telling you... It's him. It's definitely him.

I just saw Milt looking through a microscope

with his left eye, which means he's left-handed.

David S. Rosenthal is also left-handed!

No. Come on, Brick. Stop messing around.

We got less than an hour.

Let me explain this in a way you can understand...

Pretend you saw insert-famous-sports-guy here.

Tell me you wouldn't be all over that.

You got me. Clues.

Come on, Sue! You're the game master here.

Get in the zone.

We got to beat the Donahues.

If we don't, it's all your fault

and civilization as we know it is destroyed.

But, hey, no pressure.

Okay, I have tried every side of the maze,

but the key won't reach the cabinet.

Well, why don't you just move the cabinet, Einstein?

It's bolted to the floor, Galileo.

Well, then, why don't you just move the maze, other smart guy?

You can't just move the...

Oh, it's open.

Oh, good job, Sue!

Looks like medical files or something.

Here... Everybody take one and look for clues.

Okay, uh, it says here that Dr. I.N. Sane

was fired by the chairman of the board...

Frank Sinatra.

- What? - That was my dream. I remember it now.

Me and Frank Sinatra were making out.

Hang on. You were making out with Frank Sinatra?

Yeah, well, not the old one, and not the scrawny young one...

the good middle-aged one with a little meat on his bones.

I told you it was a good dream.

Ooh. Hey, everybody,

I have discovered two things about this mirror.

One... Whatever the lighting in this place is,

I look great in it.

And two... pretty sure that's the word

"brain" on the wall over there?

Brains in jars! Clue, people, clue!

Oh, my God. These people in the zombie room are so pathetic.

So, Milt...

is that short for anything, like "David"?

Okay, uh, five, seven, six, two!

I'm just gonna say it... At this point,

is the zombie apocalypse really that bad?

Sue, what's going on?

You're usually all over this stuff.

Yeah, I know.

I am. I usually am.

I-I-I think I just ate something bad.

Maybe some bad couch chips.

Well, we need a plan.

Why doesn't this family ever have a plan?

We can't just keep trying everything willy-nilly.

We're going, like, "Ooh, what's this?"

"What's this?"

Wait. What was is this?

Should I ask for a clue?

I think I'm gonna ask for a clue.

Oh, my God!

When I look through this red lens at the chart,

I see numbers underneath.

Try three, one, eight, four.

W-W-W-Wait... So, if you hold the magnifying glass

over the chart, something happens?

Yes.

You use the red glass

to decode the numbers.

You have used your first clue.

Sue, we'd already figured it out!

You wasted a clue! I'm sorry.

I didn't realize my finger was on the button.

Never mind.

We're in.

Another room.

Okay, that one looks complicated.

Sue, you take that. Everybody else, spread out.

David.

David?

So, uh, what exactly were you doing with Frank Sinatra?

It was nothing... just kissing, teenage stuff.

And it wasn't all physical. There was witty banter.

He said, "I'm gonna take a steam."

And I said, "Now"? We were funny together.

Yeah. You know he had writers.

They all had writers.

So, did all this stuff happen in our house?

Ew! No! I would never take Frank Sinatra to our house.

We were someplace nice. We were on a bearskin rug.

So, you were a cliché. I don't need to know any more.

This whole thing is disturbing.

Disturbing?

Okay, I've got three clues!

He has a wife, he smells like sandalwood...

That was in a "Parade Magazine" profile...

And M-I-L-T?

Morvan, Ilquan, Lingee, and Tuut?

The four planets of the Kalakwa Galaxy

in the "Planet Nowhere" books.

That can't be a coincidence!

Did you drink some of that

brain juice from the other room?

Hey, I don't care what you guys think.

That is David S. Rosenthal.

I will never forgive myself if I don't get his autograph.

Full disclosure... I did not drink the brain juice,

but I did lick the jar.

Brick, where did you get that pen and paper?

In that cabinet right there.

There's a secret drawer with keys inside and a book of codes.

Hi. We'd like our third clue.

Hello? Hello?!

We're the Hecks in the zombie room.

I don't get it. Where is Rowdy?

What is the point of even having a Rowdy

if she's not there?

Let's go check the other camera.

Oh, my God, Sue, you're so slow!

Let's get this thing moving.

I already texted Sean

and called them the Down-ahues,

so failure is not an option.

Is it hot in here? I am so hot.

I don't get it. Why are you choking all of a sudden?

You're totally good at this stuff,

and now you're face-planting big time.

I don't know, okay?

I'm just getting turned around. I'm all turned around.

Maybe I just need a break.

You want to take a break?

What is wrong with you?

How did I lose every game to you all these years?

You didn't.

What?

I cheated.

You mean like you cheated sometime?

No, every time, all the time.

"Monopoly"? I made myself banker

and slid myself money under the table.

"Celebrity"?

If I got a name on a card I didn't know,

I would just make one up.

My go-to was always a Disney Princess.

"Mystery Date"? It was never a mystery to me.

Oh, my God.

Okay, look... It all started when I was three

and Mom and Dad would play games with me and let me win.

Winning became my obsession and my curse.

In the end, it was Miss Sue, in the family room,

with every game.

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow,

wow, wow, wow.

Who knew Little Miss Perfect

was a dirty, lying cheater?

Shh! Shh!

I can't believe I thought you were better than me at games.

You know what that did to my psyche, to my confidence level?

You're the most confident person in the world.

Yeah, but I could have had more.

Axl, please don't tell Mom and Dad.

This is all I have.

You don't know what it's like to be me.

You were the football star. Brick is the reader.

I am just the trier.

Do you know how hard it is year after year

to be the trier?

Fine. I'll keep your secret...

partly because it's so pathetic

and partly because I am really impressed

you were able to cheat at "Marco Polo."

I opened my eyes. Oh, my God.

I didn't even think of that.

Thank you so much for not saying anything.

I will never forget this. You're the best, Axl.

At everything, yes, it's been established now.

But we've wasted too much time talking about this,

and, as usual, it's up to me to save my family

from the zombie apocalypse...

starting with this wall, which is obviously fake.

So, what exactly did you mean by "disturbing"?

- What? - You said my dream was disturbing.

That's a pretty strong word.

Well, you're messing around with another man.

You don't think I should be disturbed by that?

It's a dream.

Haven't you ever had a dream

about a celebrity before...

Phoebe Cates or Lindsay Wagner or somebody?

I don't have dreams.

I'm not talking about in life.

I'm talking about when you're asleep.

So am I... I go to sleep, it's dark,

I wake up, put on my shoes, and go.

What? That can't be true. Everybody dreams.

Not me. Dreaming is just showing off while you're asleep.

Look, it was nothing. You know how dreams are.

Well, apparently you don't, but most people do.

Anyway, it started out with me in the bathroom

and the gorilla in the next stall

was handing me toilet paper.

And then, all of a sudden, I'm backstage at The Sands

with Frank and we're having a shrimp cocktail.

And then the stage manager knocked

and said it was time to go on, and Frank said,

"Tell Sammy to do five more minutes."

And then he asked me how my day was,

and I told him, and we made out.

Frank Sinatra, the original Danny Ocean,

asked you about your day?

Yeah. Maybe he was interested in me.

That's just dumb.

Oh, I can't believe we're gonna blow our one chance in life

to beat the Donahues.

They're not the Down-ahues, they're the Perfect-hues.

They're good at everything, unlike some people

who just pretend they're good at stuff when they're not.

Ah! God, it's bright.

Ahh! Geez, come on.

The key! It's got to be for the door!

How are we supposed to get this?

Oh, look. Look at the letters.

I think we got to make words with the switches.

Okay, Sue, get in there. It's your time to shine.

Yeah, shine away, you little star, you.

Listen, Milt, I just want you to know

I get it that sometimes you might need an escape.

You know, I myself am a writer.

So far it's only been a sentence,

but it's been very well received.

Oh, yeah? Well, what is it?

Really? You'd like to hear it?

Wow. Okay.

I always keep it with me in case I want to noodle on it.

"As his eyes fluttered open,

the boy saw the sun had already gently nudged awake

its captives, yesterday's mistakes vanished

to wispy nothings, and the father he thought

long dead was standing at his door."

Hey, that's great.

Really?!

D-Do you have any notes or advise?

No, no, no. I wouldn't change a word.

Mom, Mom! What do you got?

David S. Rosenthal loves my sentence!

It's inspired me to finish my novel.

Which pose do you like for the book jacket... this or this?

Not now, Brick. Time's running out.

Sue needs quiet.

Okay, okay... Five-letter word...

Uh..."Chair"! "Chair"!

Uh, "Table"! No, "Zombies"!

That's not even five letters.

Look, what about that list of patients we found?

Dr. I.N. Sane's first patient was Clara.

Try that. No, there were 100 names on that list.

Just let Sue do this. She's our best chance.

You got this, Sue. Oh, my God!

I'm telling you, try "Clara."

Axl, shush. I don't want to hear it.

No one's getting out of here

if you don't let me work those levels!

Your family sure does fight a lot.

Oh, "Orson"!

Well, at least when we get the door open,

you get to leave.

I'm stuck with them.

I'm telling you, she's not gonna get it.

Axl, what is the matter with you?

Why do you always have to bring her down?

This is the one thing she's good at.

Can't she just have that?

Oh, is she... Is she good at this?

Axl, I'm not gonna say it again... shut it.

Sue's our best shot at this. Come on, Sue. Take us home.

Um... Belle! N... Ariel. Pocahontas!

She's just naming Disney Princesses!

That's it! I can't hold it anymore.

It's for the good of the family.

Sue's a big, fat cheater.

That's right. She's cheated at every game she's ever played.

She palms marbles. She stacks decks.

You ever played "Sorry!" with her?

Well, sorry, you got screwed.

Sue, is that true?

He's right!

I don't know what I'm doing.

We are gonna lose to the Donahues,

and it is all my fault.

I am a cheater.

But that ends today.

I am not gonna let my past define me.

I am moving forward with confidence, with honor.

Starting now, Sue Heck wins for real!

Time has expired.

The zombie apocalypse has begun.

Mankind is doomed.

Please exit through the fail door.

No!

No! We're not entering 2017 through the fail door.

We have done it every year, and I am sick of it.

Mom, just admit it... we suck.

No, if anybody sucks, it's Rowdy.

We asked for a clue, and she didn't get back to us

- for at least two minutes. - Yeah.

- That's true. - That's not fair.

Hey, Rowdy,

we want our two minutes.

I'm meeting my cousin for dinner.

Look, I may not care about much,

I barely care about this, but I know what's right,

and so do you, Rowdy!

You know you owe us two minutes.

Fine.

Okay, let's do this.

Axl, you're up. Yep.

C-L-A-R-A.

Ah-ah-ah-ahh!

Yes, we got it, we got it, we got it.

Whoo.

Suck it, Donahu...

No!

Why does 2017 have it out for us?

Why won't this stupid door open?

Come on, open!

W-W-Wait. You see that?

O-P-E-N.

Oh, my God!

We did it, Hecks... and Milt!

Whoo! And check it out!

We beat the Donahues!

I don't know who these Donahues are,

but we kicked their butts!

- Yeah, we did! - Okay, everybody, hands in!

What's the book?

"The Catcher in the Rye"!

Okay, one, two, three.

"The Catcher in the Rye"!

Yes!

Give me a high five!

Give me another one!

So, how was your day?

What do you mean, how was my day?

You were there. We beat the Donahues.

It was awesome. Yeah, well, I don't know.

You're dreaming about guys asking you about your day,

and I know we've been pretty busy lately,

and I don't always ask, so I thought,

you know, maybe I should.

Oh. Well, it was good.

Thanks.

Let's see what you dream about tonight.

Well, Milt, it's an honor that someone

of your esteemed profession likes what I do.

I will carry your approval with me always.

Okay, then. See you around.

Look around.

No zombies anywhere!

You're welcome, mankind.

Oh, my God. Winning without cheating feels amazing.

It is so much better.

And I finally have a certificate for my wall

that doesn't say "Participant."

Yeah!

Everyone has a different kind of escape.

Sometimes we escape into a good book,

sometimes we escape into our dreams.

But one thing you can't escape from

is the Hecks after a rare victory.

Oh, hey, Nancy.

Just got back from the escape room...

Made it out with 1:21 to spare.

What was your time again?

1:08.

Oh, hey, Sean, turns out when I looked in the mirror,

all I saw was a guy who kicked your ass.

Yeah, I don't know, Ron.

If this mojo keeps up,

I wouldn't get too attached

to that giant spatula.

Yep. Says right here on the certificate...

The Hecks won.

No apostrophe necessary, Dotty.

Well, that's impressive, you guys.

I guess you're just better at this than we are.

You know, that's what's great about you Donahues...

You have fun no matter what.

Happy New Year.

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