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- Hey, Dad. - Hey.

Ben wants you to pay these bills for the store

while he's at the hardware convention.

None of these are overdue.

Uh, hey, so what's so new in hardware

that Ben needs to go to a convention every year?

Doesn't he tell you about all the cool stuff

- when he gets home? - Yeah.

But as soon as he starts talking,

I silently practice counting in Spanish to myself.

Once, I got up to ochocientos.

He went there to try to find some high-ticket items

to offset our sales slump.

Oh, look at this.

These smart toilets can diagnose heart problems

and alert 911 in an emergency.

If Elvis had that toilet, he'd be playing Vegas tonight.

And this drill can post whatever you're working on

to Facebook in real time.

I don't know why anybody would want to,

but I'm damned excited about it.

Will somebody please kill me?

Oh, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I've been running all over town

trying to find toys I can afford

for Beverly Rose's birthday.

She doesn't like any of those,

I can get her a toilet that calls 911.

Maybe.

Can't be worse than a tiny raccoon that says,

"It's a girl."

The only thing that's gonna save this birthday

is making it a scavenger hunt.

That's why your mom and I did it.

We hoped that the big, fun birthday hunt

would make you feel better about getting socks

and a car wash jigsaw puzzle.

Well, it worked.

I still have warm memories

of me sitting in my toasty socks

with my puzzle of the guy smoking a cigarette

behind the wheel of an Oldsmobile 88.

I just feel bad I can't afford

to get her anything nice this year.

Oh, it's okay. She's a little kid.

She's gonna be happy with whatever she gets.

No.

She's going to birthday parties now,

and she sees all the great toys

that all of her wealthier classmates get.

Last week, she came back and asked for a nanny.

I hate when rich people send their kids to public schools.

They want their kids to grow up "regular."

But it just makes our kids more motivated pickpockets.

How about you let me hide the toys,

and you guys can all search together?

It'll be more fun for everyone.

Okay, but you gotta hide 'em real well.

I don't want it to be too easy for her.

She is academically exceptional.

So were you, but you still haven't found

a gift from the fifth grade.

Let me give you a hint.

It involves an Oldsmobile 88

and maybe a dog driving it in sunglasses.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey.

I brought you some supper from the Lunch Box.

I figured with Ben gone,

you might not have time to run out.

Oh, you're a lifesaver. I haven't eaten all day.

Full disclosure, that was on somebody's plate.

But his girlfriend was breaking up with him

before he had a chance to touch it.

So if it's salty, it's from his tears.

Heartbreak-swiss on rye.

You can almost taste the betrayal.

[bell ringing]

Hey. Hey!

- Hey! - No! Get out!

Get out!

Get out! Come here. Come here.

Come here.

- Get out of here! - Let me go!

- Get a zip tie. - Zip tie.

Zip tie. Zip tie.

Got it? Got it?

- All right. - Get this off of me!

You can't do this!

What are you gonna do, call the cops?

- Dan, call the cops! - Oh.

Oh, holy crap.

I know.

I'm on hold.

The hell is wrong with you?

Why would you hit a little store like this?

I don't know, they wanted crowbars and things

so we could break into the better stores.

Well, thank you for shopping at Olinsky's.

[bluesy rock music]

06x07 - Smash and Grab and Happy Death Day

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

All right.

Your presents are hidden all over the house,

and we have to find them.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Remember, the real fun is

the excitement of looking,

not the presents themselves.

Go.

I love it, Mommy.

Now I can see my books.

Mm.

Academically exceptional, you say?

Oh, that's not a present, sweetie.

That is Grandpa's inability to pass up free stuff

left out on the curb.

Uh, I'm not sure we're gonna find the gifts,

but after lifting up these cushions,

I think I now know why we're always itchy after we visit.

Mommy, what's this?

They're old photos.

Where did you get those?

Over there.

Who are these people?

That's our family.

Oh, yeah. There's your grandma Rose.

And there's your great grandma Bev.

And that is your great, great grandma Nana Mary.

And who are these people?

Hmm.

I don't recognize them,

but they must be our relatives,

because they all look like sad chimney sweeps.

That's a really old picture, sweetie.

The only one who would know them is Great Grandma Bev,

and she's roaming the country hopping boxcars

and stealing pies off windowsills.

It's sad, really.

Sometimes when you die, you just become

a picture in a drawer, huh?

And nobody remembers who you are anymore.

So if everybody forgets them, they're gone forever,

like in the movie "Coco"?

Yes, exactly.

That is so smart.

But it's okay, because when you're dead,

you won't know you're dead.

I won't know I'm dead?

Am I dead now?

No, no, you are very much alive

and looking for presents.

We have to remember who they are so they'll stay alive.

Oh, no, they can't stay alive because they're dead.

So because they're dead, they're gone forever.

No!

Darlene!

What? I mean, but it's okay.

It... it happens to everybody.

They just put you in the ground,

and then your body becomes food

for all the hungry spiders and worms,

and that's... that's nice, because they need to eat too.

Oh, hey, what are we doing here?

We're supposed to be looking for presents.

Why don't you look in Grandpa's room, okay?

I'll go with her, keep her out of grandpa's bathroom.

There's things in there that make death look like a picnic.

What the hell, Darlene?

That is way too dark to say to a kid.

Well, maybe.

But you can't let her keep believing that

people stay alive forever.

The first time somebody dies, she's gonna be devastated.

I'm just telling her the truth.

She is not ready for that, and neither am I.

The conversation is coming whether you like it or not.

Aunt Jackie is a terrible driver.

Dad won't stop eating hot dogs.

And if Ben doesn't stop talking about hardware during sex,

I am going to kill him.

Well, thank you, officer. I understand.

Just get here as soon as you can.

What'd they say?

We're only a property crime,

so we're not that high on the list.

Did you tell them it was Jackie Harris,

former proud member of the Lanford PD?

Yes.

And then I heard the world's longest sigh.

It was still going when I hung up.

Those guys.

They never missed an opportunity to mess with me,

like when they replaced my nightstick with an adult toy,

which... it's all fun and games

until you're speaking at an elementary school.

You know this is kidnapping, right?

Wrong, false imprisonment, and nobody asked you.

Okay, Dan, look,

the cops aren't gonna be able to catch all those people.

But if we can get her to give us some names,

then maybe we can get some of your stuff back.

So you go over there, you be the good cop.

You soften her up.

And then once her guard is down, I come in.

I squeeze the names out of her.

Just so you know, when the cops get here,

I'm telling them you were the leader.

But I wasn't.

They don't know that, but I do know

that the leader pays the highest price.

And since you're the one sitting here, that's you.

- That's not fair. - Life ain't fair!

You punks think it's no big deal

to smash your way in here and steal a bunch of stuff.

Well, let me tell you something.

That stuff feeds my family!

Yeah, but you can just get it all back from your insurance

- or whatever. - [laughs]

We can't afford that kind of insurance.

Our insurance gets us a pretty calendar

with pictures of places I can't afford to go to

because I've been robbed!

Frankly, I hope you go to jail and you rot.

Dan, can I see you for a second?

Okay, um, good cop...

that's the nice one, see?

'Cause you're not leaving me anything to do

but take her out to the country and have her dig her own grave.

That depends if they left us a shovel.

Yeah.

Okay, look, I'm gonna be the good cop, okay?

'Cause I know all the psychological games.

I'm gonna pretend to connect with her woman to woman

and then get her to roll over on the other perps.

Oh, my... [giggles]

It's so fun saying perps again.

Perps. [laughs]

Okay, I'm gonna give you five minutes,

and then there's gonna be a bunch of yelling and crying,

and then I'm gonna turn my attention to her.

♪ ♪

No, Grandpa could've just told us

he hid the gifts at our house

so we didn't waste an hour

looking for the gifts at his house.

Yeah, but that wouldn't have been as much fun for him.

But I hid his Tums.

Payback's a bitch.

Beverly Rose is still freaking out

about your little conversation with her.

She won't even play with her American girl

comb and brush set.

Would have been a lot more fun

if you had given her a doll to go with it.

I would have if my scratchers had hit.

The worst part is she keeps staring at that picture

because she thinks if she keeps remembering them,

they won't die.

Becky, you can't put this off forever.

I mean, you're a psych major.

You should know what to say.

I haven't taken that class yet.

If she was eating dryer sheets or pulling out her eyebrows,

I'd be all over that.

Why are you avoiding this?

I'm not avoiding it.

You're literally walking out the door

in the middle of a conversation.

That is avoiding it.

You're gonna screw up your kid, Becky.

Yeah. Well, it's my kid to screw up.

So just let me go to work and close up for Louise.

That's an excuse.

You'd be running out anyway.

Yeah, I would.

Nobody wants to talk to you.

You know those dead people in the photo?

They died to avoid meeting you.

So we were so busy zip-tying you to the ladder

that we forgot to ask your name.

Bella.

Bella. Bella's a beautiful name.

Bella, that means beautiful.

No, I'm just saying that

I bet when your parents first saw you,

they said, "Oh, look at our beautiful little girl."

This is really gonna disappoint them.

Whatever. They're always saying

what a disappointment I am anyway.

They'll probably be happy to find out that they're right.

Whoa, no, no, don't say that.

Look, I know that when you hear somebody put you down enough,

then you start believing it.

But they don't get to write your story for you.

Can I get you two yentas a couple of lattes

and some shawls so you can continue

exploring your feelings?

Just ignore him.

Now, I know that when you don't get approval

from your parents, then you try looking for it

in other really bad places.

But you don't need to protect these people.

They left you here.

No, I was just stupid and got caught.

He didn't leave me here.

Okay, there's always a "he."

Uh-huh. Is this "he" your boyfriend?

Let me guess... you were trying to impress him

by proving that you could hang with the guys?

You don't look like someone

who knows about having a boyfriend.

Happily married, but that's not the point.

And he's a doctor.

So that's who talked you into it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Um, could you wait in the back room for a second

for me, Dr. Banner?

I think that I can get the names out of her

if I can get rid of your menacing male energy.

Since we're taking shots,

he's an animal doctor.

♪ ♪

Oh, are you my daughter or my waitress?

Unfortunately, your daughter.

Oh, good. Good.

Then you will appreciate this.

Oh, my God, why do we always have to have

the stupid sandwiches?

Why can't we have the good bread?

My friends get tacos. I hate you.

Can I have some money?

Guess I'll play the mom.

I totally support all of your life choices

and respect everything you do.

That's what I would have liked to have heard growing up.

Becky sent you over here

because she's avoiding me, right?

You have that effect on people.

Becky?

Becky?

[clucking] Becky.

What are you doing?

We have a reunion here, family members

who are actually excited to see each other.

Well, I obviously hit a nerve.

Something is going on with you, and I want to help you.

Also, your rent's coming up,

and I don't want there to be a problem with that.

Not now. I'm working.

I'll cover for you.

Hopefully the Johnson family's got an opening

for a young, cool cousin.

Damn it, Darlene.

Why can't you leave things alone?

Look, the one thing I've learned as a parent

is that you don't want your own issues messing up your kids.

You don't want to talk about death,

but your silence is gonna hurt Beverly Rose more.

Well, thanks to you, I'm gonna hurt her either way.

How could you possibly hurt her

by having an honest conversation?

Because I can't talk about death

without thinking about Mark, okay?

If I have to relive the death of my husband,

I'm gonna lose it.

And if I start crying, I'm not sure if I can stop.

I don't want my daughter to see that.

Is that why you were so numb at Mom's funeral?

Yes.

Wow, I'm sorry.

I... I didn't know that pushing you

with Beverly Rose was gonna bring all that up.

Well, maybe it will be a little bit easier

if you don't do it alone.

So how about you and I

and a gender-reveal raccoon

go help Beverly Rose make some sense of this?

♪ ♪

Oh.

Did you get any names out of her?

No.

Well, you tried. Maybe I can do it.

First you'll have to find her,

'cause I let her go.

You what? You what?

Why in the hell would you do something like that?

Well, the more I talked to her,

the more I realized that she's going through the same crap

that I was going through at that age.

It was like going back in a time machine.

Although, if I'd really had a time machine,

I never would have sold my car to buy those

Mott the Hoople tickets.

Now I feel like I've been robbed twice.

I like seeing the bad guys get punished

at the end of the movie.

Well, unless she figures stuff out,

she's gonna get punished plenty.

Chasing approval from people who are

never gonna give it to her.

Can those people give me some money?

Somebody's got to pay for something.

She just made a mistake trying to impress a boy.

I spent my whole life trying to get approval from men.

When I was a cop, it was the Sergeant.

And when I was a trucker, it was my dispatcher.

And then after my father died...

What?

What happened after your dad died?

You, okay?

Wanted approval from you.

Me?

Why would you care what I think?

None of the other women in my life seem to.

Because you were the only positive male role model

I had in my life.

I knew it was never gonna get an attagirl

out of my mom or even Roseanne,

so I kept hoping that I'd get one from you.

But you never took me seriously either.

Honestly, Jackie, if I knew you felt that way,

I would have complimented you on all kinds of things.

Like...

I can't think right now because I've just been robbed,

and... and I'm under duress.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're under strain.

But when you get some rest

and... and you're a little less shaken up,

I'll be waiting for my list.

Right now, just tell me I did the right thing

by letting the girl go.

You did the right thing.

- Hey, there's your list. - Okay.

Oh, I'll take it.

♪ ♪

Sweetie, that's such a good drawing.

It's the people from the picture.

That way, if we lose that other picture,

we won't forget about them, and they won't die.

Um, let's talk about that.

I know you want to think that people live forever,

but it's not true.

When people die, they go away,

and as much as we love them,

they are gone forever.

But I don't want the people I love to go away forever.

Neither do I,

but when Mama was very young,

she had a special friend that died,

and that was hard for Mommy,

because it made her sad when she thought about him.

But thanks to you, I am thinking about him

and all the wonderful times we had.

So he may be gone, but he's not forgotten.

And now I can tell you about him,

and you can tell your kids about him.

And so in some way,

he's always with us.

And you know what?

Your mom and I were talking,

and we actually remember

who the people in this picture are.

So they're not totally forgotten.

Isn't that great?

Yeah.

Tell me about them so they're in my memory too.

Oh, you know what?

I promised Aunt Darlene that she could help.

She knows everything.

Couldn't be righter.

But your mom probably knows more about these people

because she is so much older than I am

and she always will be, so she should start.

Okay.

Um, this super old dude there,

that is, uh, Great, Great Uncle Seamus.

He invented the plow,

but forgot to patent it.

And he got drunk and fell into a well.

Thereby proving that he's a Conner.

Darlene, you should talk about this woman.

She has a very interesting story, right?

Well, we'll see.

Uh...

oh, okay.

Okay.

I got it.

That is your mom's namesake,

your great, great aunt Rebecca

who used to make up stories

and tell them to all the children in the village

until they rose up against her and set her pants on fire

because she was a witch.

A witch, you say?

♪ ♪

So, you don't believe in any afterlife package?

Mm-mm.

Even Buddhists think we come back as animals.

I mean, you are so used to crapping on people,

think about how easy it would be if you were a bird.

Yeah, as a bird,

I could eat the worms that ate your body.

It must be hard being you.

That's why I'm not afraid of death.

Could use the break.

[laughs]

[child giggles]