Original subtitles

MITCH MCTAGGART: Hi. I don't think it'd be vulgar of me to admit

that it's been a big, wet, messy year for Australian television.

Tears, tantrums, dog content,

and in the case of Andrew O'Keefe, all three.

'Neighbours' ended, 'MAFS' didn't, and then 'Neighbours' also didn't.

But let us empty out the soggy cardboard box we've just packed up,

and review the horrible mess we've now made upon the carpet.

That wet mess in question is the year 2022.

I'm Mitch McTaggart, and this is The Last Year of Television.

(THEME MUSIC)

I bet you're thinking that this year's going to be the one

that's a bit more measured,

or have less Roberta Williams in it

accused of threatening to kill a reality TV producer.

Next 'Underbelly's' sorted though.

Or have less Craig McLachlan

posting unprompted videos of himself in character

because it went so well for Kevin Spacey when he used to do that.

Yes, it was all 2022.

So strap in, baby. Let's go, let's go!

Leigh Sales was out with COVID,

then was bitten by a mouse, then quit.

Obviously, those three events are unrelated.

The mouse wasn't why she left 7:30,

though I'm told that's what happened with Kerry O'Brien.

Meanwhile, ABC weather presenter, Paul Higgins came into work

after allegedly failing to isolate post PCR test,

which, whoopsie-daisy, ended up positive.

If only he was as passionate for his seven-day isolation

as he was for his seven-day forecast.

Despite Channel 9's 'Parental Guidance'

apparently determining in 2021

apparently determining in 2021

what the best parenting style is...

Free range, mm.

..a casting call was still put out

for series two,

seemingly suggesting that

Australia's best parenting style is changed yearly,

like a lint filter.

Maybe a second series is entirely due to the conflict

the show can easily manufacture

by sticking all the parents in a single room to have at it.

And why bother definitively ruling the best parenting style

when you can simply not do that,

and just carry on faux abducting kids for ratings points.

Everyone wins.

Except the kids, and the parents, and the parents at home.

The only winner is Nine.

While 32 refugees and asylum seekers

were trapped in Melbourne's Park Hotel,

some indefinitely detained for up to nine years,

dealing with maggots and mouldy food,

and medical neglect,

they briefly shared their accommodation

with a rich vaccine-hesitant sports star

who was being prevented from hitting a ball for financial gain.

Yes, Novak Djokovic was, for a time, in hotel hell,

and if you were watching 'Sunrise',

his ordeal was briefly mentioned in this studio round table,

this interview with the health minister,

this interview with the health minister,

this multi-location live cross,

this interview with the home affairs minister,

then these people, the deputy PM,

the assistant treasurer,

Novak's former coach,

the shadow home affairs minister,

this reporter live from Serbia,

these people, Novak's mum,

the opposition leader, a former tennis player,

the former deputy secretary of immigration,

the Lord Mayor of Perth,

this lawyer expert guy,

the federal treasurer, these people,

and sad fan standing next to another sad fan,

but holding an accordion.

Ah, and here I am thinking I had a fresh angle on the whole thing.

The court of public opinion is...

I mean, it's really... It's quite murky.

Everyone seems to have a different opinion.

Do they though?

Certainly not as murky

as this leaked 'Seven News' camera feed would suggest.

Whatever way you look at it,

Novak Djokovic is a lying, sneaky...

He's an asshole. ..asshole.

If only 'Sunrise' was as direct as that,

it would certainly be a shorter programme.

But the fact is life is never fair.

Yeah.

Some people fly first class...

And some people remain locked up at Park Hotel

with minimal commercial news coverage.

with minimal commercial news coverage.

If only everybody could be good at tennis.

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

Dropping in at the tail end of last year

was Binge's first original drama, 'Love Me'.

A sweet, witty and grounded character piece from lead writer, Alison Bell.

Great performances and writing, and also looks stunning.

Melbourne hasn't been this much of a character since 'City Homicide',

though that was more of a broadsheet list of top places to hide a body.

Australian of the Year, Grace Tame,

has ended her tenure

with a controversial appearance with the Prime Minister.

SPEAKER ONE: If a picture is worth 1,000 words.

SPEAKER TWO: If looks could kill.

Mm. If we could use other cliches.

SPEAKER: The 27-year-old advocate for survivors of sexual assault

has previously criticised Scott Morrison

for his response to women's issues.

And one man who was particularly upset at a woman's face

for a politically staged photo op

was Channel 10 wunderkind, Peter van Onselen,

penning an article in 'The Australian'

about how not smiling was embarrassing for her,

and that she was also ungracious, rude, and childish.

'Pedestrian' called that article absolutely putrid.

'Pedestrian' called that article absolutely putrid.

Obviously, one of the more positive responses there.

And van Onselen was on 'The Project', doubling down on his views

to colleague, Carrie Bickmore and guest, Amy Remeikis.

But if you can't show basic courtesy,

I just think it's immature.

Why should she stand there and smile,

and why do we have to be polite? I don't think she should.

Why do you...

I don't think she should stand there and smile.

I think she just shouldn't go

if you can't show basic courtesy... You devote an entire column

about how she was being childish

because she showed her authentic feelings.

Why did you write it? But I just think...

Why did you write it?

Maybe he wrote it so he could later concede,

it was probably unnecessary to write it.

And, as well as not writing what he already wrote,

he instead can just think it.

So great news in that we'll be hearing less of him.

Into Feb, and 'Big Brother VIP' was axed

to make way for a more traditional version,

but just not the very traditional one on Ten

where there's all that penis stuff, obviously.

Former PM Malcolm Turnbull,

had a theory on which minister leaked damaging ScoMo texts

to Peter van Onselen.

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a smartphone.

It was Colonel Mustard in the library with a smartphone.

Probably Mustard who fucked up the NBN too, was it?

(SCOFFS)

And in the midst of the Ukraine invasion,

the Kremlin-backed channel, Russia Today

was pulled off the air by Foxtel.

And if they get rid of Sky next, I'll buy a 12-month plan.

Channel 7's desperate public rehabilitation of Wayne Carey

continued with an appearance on 'SAS Australia'.

Not only did he admit

that having an affair with his teammate's wife has...

Haunted me for over 20 years.

Like some kind of accountability ghost,

but he also spoke of a particular 2007 incident in America.

And, heads up, you should feel sad for him here

because there's sad piano music underneath it.

Of course, throwing wine on a girlfriend is unacceptable.

Completely unacceptable.

Yes, the glass touched her lip, it didn't break.

Yeah, except that's not his ex-girlfriend's recollection of it,

who alleged that Carey

had smashed a wine glass in her face,

cutting her mouth and neck.

And when police made it to the scene,

he kicked a female police officer in the mouth.

he kicked a female police officer in the mouth.

Not only did that incident get drastically downplayed on 'SAS',

but the apparent redemption scene

flat out ignored all the other shit he's done.

Pause this screen if you want,

cannot be fucked going through it all.

Neither could 'SAS', apparently.

Writing about Carey's appearance,

'Now to Love' pointed out that...

Seven's long-term investment in Carey began

after Nine and 3AW sacked him for his behaviour in 2008.

Either enough time had passed for TV to forgive Wayne Carey,

or Seven's standards were just lower.

Got him on board in 2014, as an AFL commentator.

Then, notably in 2020, whipped his dick out in primetime

for Seven's 'The All New Monty'

with high jinx aplenty.

(LAUGHTER)

(SARCASTICALLY) Look at him, he's so goofy.

The point is, Wayne Carey may well be a better person now,

but, both Carey and Seven don't get to gaslight their audience

by downplaying past abuse,

by downplaying past abuse,

all for the sake of appearing more palatable on a shouty game show.

All my partners will say I've never been physically abusive.

Yeah. And I bet they'll also say

they'd never been paid $250,000 appearance fee either.

The PR rehabilitations continued over on Nine,

where an election-ready, Scott Morrison

got the puff treatment from '60 Minutes',

with lots of shots of laughing to make him approachable,

family dinners, walking,

shaking hands with Karl,

at the pub, drinking beer,

whatever's going on here, playing the ukulele.

Is there anything he doesn't do?

Hold a hose.

A lot of the piece was a shit-tacular carousel

of addressing his PR disasters,

including at the National Press Club,

when old mate, Petey confronted him on those leaked texts.

Describing you as a fraud and quote, "A complete psycho."

Yeah, whatever.

But when you're with the PM, just smile, Peter.

And on regretting their infamous Hawaii trip during the bushfires,

Jenny Morrison offered up this mea culpa.

I thought I was making the right decision for my kids.

I, obviously...

I, obviously...

..was wrong.

Doesn't really matter who's blamed for it,

considering in 2009,

when head of the Bushfire Authority, Christine Nixon

went out to a restaurant during Black Saturday,

Morrison had led the charge criticising her.

This was a very serious issue.

And I think there are very serious concerns in the community

about exercising judgement.

And it's incumbent on all of us, in public life,

to make decisions following that

in the best interests of the ongoing nature of the programme.

Television remembers.

Jenny also weighed in on her husband's response

to the alleged rape of Brittany Higgins

in Parliament House.

I think Scott totally gets things.

I think he is...

He's all about problem solving.

Yeah, I guess it's like a Sudoku.

And thoughts on Grace Tame not smiling.

I still think there's manners and respect.

But sure, a woman responding on behalf of her husband

in light of criticism from female victims of sexual abuse

felt extremely on the nose.

And sure, it shouldn't be incumbent on Jenny

to have to explain or translate her husband to Australian voters.

And, sure, there was some concern of partiality,

given that the Nine CEO, Peter Costello

was Howard's treasurer in his liberal national government.

Sure, the whole thing

may have been troglodyte magazine television puffery,

it may have reeked of humanising a disgraced leader,

and was political confectionary so laden with sugar.

But it was all worth it

to have Scott Morrison's softer side showcased to a large audience.

Except that it wasn't

because it lost in the ratings to 'Vera' on the ABC.

Mm, propaganda.

Not only can you find it on '60 Minutes',

but it's also the best album by Sparks.

We disagree with your right to impose yourself on our lives...

As we entered March,

climate change fears continued as Kochie got shouty with a protestor.

Oh, boy.

The Russian-Ukraine war spilled over

into a 'Q&A' audience member being kicked out.

Good Lord.

But none of that matched the high stakes of Natalie Barr

on the Oscar's red carpet

trying to get an interview with the Williams sisters...

Serena...

Serena...

..for five excruciating minutes.

Venus.

Venus, hi, Australian TV.

Hello?

Venus, Australian TV, hello.

Venus.

I'm certainly no expert,

but I don't think she was saying Venus enough.

(INA).

What's she doing?

Would you like a Tim Tam?

Mm, a sweet biscuit.

I think that's how Parky does it.

Big news, as 'Project' presenter, Lisa Wilkinson

was snapped with a margarita,

dining alone, and cutting a lonely figure.

Firstly, I'm surprised there's no typos in the article,

given how hard it is to transcribe crayon.

But what a scoop it was.

She ordered what appeared to be mussels and broccoli.

At one stage,

she also checked her phone,

and as she exited, put her wallet away,

instead of, I guess, catapulting it into the sun like a normal person.

The article was highly criticised, including by Lisa herself,

and yet this is nothing new for the 'Daily Mail'.

In 2017,

Wilkinson got called out for wearing the same floral blouse twice

a mere four months apart,

a mere four months apart,

instead of, I guess, catapulting it into the sun like a normal person.

That same year,

her former 'Today' co-star, Karl Stefanovic

called out the 'Daily Mail' for their treatment of women.

This site specialises

in shaming women for how they look, for what they wear.

It has a despicable track record

of denigrating women for who they are.

While the articles certainly leave

a lot of room for improvement,

I'm mostly impressed that they're coming up with original stories.

Considering in 2018,

'Media Watch' dedicated a whole programme

to the 'Daily Mail's' daily practise

of lifting content directly from other news sites.

Anyway, assuming retribution for this segment,

here's three unflattering photos of me to use in an article,

and a headline that can just be lifted verbatim, of course.

Mind you, it'd be impossible for anyone to read anyway,

given all the fucking ads.

SPEAKER: Australia has lost

one of its greatest cricketers of all time.

Shane Warne died suddenly,

sending an absolute shock wave through the country.

Out of all of his non-cricket TV appearances,

of which I can definitely speak to,

of which I can definitely speak to,

I can't go past the short-lived 2010 chat show,' Warnie',

a probably ill-advised but good-natured programme

where his charm alone could hold an audience.

And while everyone else was reminiscing

their favourite Shane Warne moments,

your mate, Pete Evans weighed in like the absolute sultana that he is,

speaking over clearly shit bandwidth,

allegedly linking Warnie's death to COVID vaccines.

(WINCES)

Look, it's already hard enough to lose someone,

but Pete knows a thing or two about loss.

Two television contracts,

ten business partnerships,

and a Senate campaign.

Wow, what a complete fucking loser.

Over to the drama department and the ABC-aired, 'Troppo',

though I imagine the formal title is Sir Tropical.

And it's one big woe-is-me murder mystery

that really doubles down on the notion

that Aussie drama should only be bleak.

She killed someone and is sad.

He was framed as a pedo and is sad.

He hates them both and is sad.

She's sad, he's sad, sad, sad, sad, sad.

Probably just all that humidity, to be honest.

Things take a bit long to play out,

the final twist lands with all the stealth of a jet engine,

the final twist lands with all the stealth of a jet engine,

but hey, there's plenty of room for redemption via suicidal ideation.

Oh.

Just me, but I'm sure we can still be gritty

without main characters repeatedly trying to kill themselves,

especially via crocodile.

Come on!

And by the looks of it,

even that generic-looking search engine was a bit sad,

returning a whopping seven results.

Maybe they could have had a laugh and tried Bing.

By April, science was unleashing unimaginable horrors.

The ABC had tiny people inside tiny buildings,

then actual-size people next to tiny buildings.

Then over on Nine were giant people next to normal-sized buildings,

but then normal-sized hands picking up tiny cars,

but giant people crushing normal-sized cars.

And what would God think of the mutant abomination

that is Seven's 'Cash Cow Bunny'.

And we're panicking about climate change.

Well, I can only assume

that Todd Sampson saw neo-Nazis on 'A Current Affair' last year

and said, "I'll have some of that,"

but with a Canadian accent,

and a T-shirt that shrunk in the wash.

Things kicked off when a photo surfaced online,

featuring Sampson standing alongside neo-Nazi, Actual Name.

We're calling him Actual Name and not his actual name, Actual Name.

Well, that's confusing.

Also in the background was another one we'll call (COMEDIC HOOT),

skulking about like a crab...

I don't know, they can't all be jokes.

When it was confirmed that a doco

involving far-right figures

was currently in production,

and one of these fellows had already filmed an interview with Sampson,

activist, Tom Tanuki turned down an invitation to appear in his project,

explaining to the producers

why active neo-Nazis shouldn't be guests on television.

Further, the idea that neo-Nazis need to be understood,

humanised, or platformed

is something that we're apparently still doing in 2022.

is something that we're apparently still doing in 2022.

But since we're talking about it, what's been your fave TV Nazi moment?

My top four.

In 2021,

we spoke about 'A Current Affair' letting (COMEDIC HOOT) on as a guest

after he assaulted a Channel 9 security guard.

And, though Nine had complete edit control over what he said,

(COMEDIC HOOT) simply recorded his side of the interview

in its entirety,

posting that to Telegram

to no doubt be used to recruit more people.

That's a Nazi,

In 2016,

Actual Name appeared on an episode of 'Hack Live'

to talk freely and openly about whatever shit he wanted.

Pedestrian noted that the show proved nothing,

but gave him an audience for his patently racist views.

That's a Nazi.

In 1964,

'Four Corners' ran a profile

on members of the Australian National Socialist Party,

and the ABC copped criticism

for giving TV time and publicity to such a group

to spout their anti-human ideas.

58 years ago.

We hadn't even got decimal currency, for shit's sake.

That's a Nazi.

In 2018,

there was outcry over 'Sky News' interviewing Actual Name,

but then they publicly admitted it was wrong to have him on,

and removed it from the internet.

and removed it from the internet.

'Sky News' there going, "He was a bit much, wasn't he?"

Nazi.

All that considered,

for Todd Sampson to think that he's the one

to give neo-Nazis the correct amount of consideration and nuance,

whatever the fuck that involves,

is, at best, naive.

A positive example, which is an odd word to use here,

is Nick McKenzie's '60 Minutes' story from 2021,

where the neo-Nazi movement is infiltrated and exposed,

and it's presented wholly as a legitimate social threat that it is.

So should Nazis be interviewed on the telly?

To answer that, please welcome The Last Year of Television,

Rube Goldberg Machine.

(COMEDIC MUSIC)

SPEAKER: Penis means no. Penis means no.

'Underbelly Vanishing Act',

Nine's dramatic retelling of con woman, Melissa Caddick,

and the subsequent discovery of her partial remains

is bizarre in its conception.

Crudely green lit in the same week of her foot being discovered

in 2021,

and, unsurprisingly, is even more bizarre in its execution.

Beginning with the very tasteful discovery of her foot

on a Sydney beach,

we go into the story by literally going into her decomposing foot,

where, presumably, the rest of the story is set.

Which raises significant logistical issues

but, counterpoint, is disgusting.

Since it's an 'Underbelly',

there's plenty of room for bums,

plenty of room for those first season titles.

2008 was two decades ago.

And plenty of room for dynamic extras work.

I call this guy, Bumbling File Man.

(CHUCKLES) Look at him.

I want to know what he's up to.

Like its immediate predecessor, 2020's 'Informer 3838',

'Vanishing Act' relies heavily on using voiceover

'Vanishing Act' relies heavily on using voiceover

to constantly explain the plot.

SPEAKER: That, my friends, is a Ponzi scheme.

Ponzi scheme.

SPEAKER: So a Ponzi scheme doesn't Ponzi itself.

Ponzi is a verb now.

SPEAKER: I was being spied on by ASIC.

They're kind of like corporate cops.

Kind of like corporate cops.

Hm, I hope they define cops.

In case you were watching it and forget what happens at the end,

you know, the foot stuff,

there's plenty of foreshadowing about her demise.

You're thinking of having me killed?

If anything happened to me...

If something happens to me...

And if you can't remember that dialogue,

there's plenty of visual foreshadowing,

with so many shots of feet

that it feels like an elaborate campaign for a wikiFeet entry.

And maybe don't Google that.

The second half dives almost entirely into speculation

after she flees from ASIC,

which I'm told are kind of like corporate cops.

And we're treated to a grab bag of loose ideas

where she gets on a boat,

but actually hides out in a shack,

but actually hides out in a shack,

but actually gets threatened by Colin Friels,

but actually he never existed,

but actually she jumped off a cliff,

but actually she's on a boat with a prosthetic leg.

God, it's like an onion.

In that, I wouldn't watch one.

The show commits to wild speculation so fully

that it even impacts the props.

How else can they watch television in 2020 on an old 43

without a set top box?

Obviously, it's one of those speculative TVs

where you can still watch Channel 9

despite the knob being clearly set to ten.

Lol, got them.

'Vanishing Act' seems to go to odd lengths to humanise Caddick though.

By giving her a backstory

where she was swindled by a con man in her early 20s,

despite there being no evidence of that happening in real life.

Plus, it suggests an origin story as superficial

as merely looking at a picture of Bernie Madoff

as a motivator for her future activities.

It's a bit on the nose.

Quite literally in this instance.

Really hammering home the parallel there.

The writers sidestep the option of telling any meaningful story

on the human impact of her victim's,

or even a more forensic explanation of how ASIC came to be involved,

or even a more forensic explanation of how ASIC came to be involved,

which I'm told are kind of like corporate cops.

Instead, the show chooses to focus

on what little information they have on Caddick,

inventing as they go along,

and making her out to be little more than a smiley kleptomaniac caricature

who's obsessed with dresses.

You do not touch my clothes!

Also, not sure if you saw in that shot

because it was out of focus,

but Bumbling File Man continues to yuck about.

(CHUCKLES) It's not his day.

Spin-off.

Easily the worst scene of it all is the climax,

where she's shown chain sawing off her foot.

Not on her own of course, with a friend.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Mm.

I feel like their logic here is that if it's purely speculative,

then it can't also be tasteless.

I assume.

Yet there's a glimmer of self-awareness

in this short scene.

Imagine how her parents are feeling.

And she's got a son, yeah?

Yes. Yeah, she does.

Yes. Yeah, she does.

Who were real people

because this only happened 18 months ago.

True crime as entertainment always treads a fine line,

but to dramatise something still so raw,

and a case that was nowhere near closed at the time of production,

the creative justification for this story diminishes

the further along we go.

'Stuff', New Zealand wrote...

So with a pretend backstory,

a pretend ending, and pretend characters,

that fictitious disclaimer is really taking the piss by the way,

the show gives minimal insight into Caddick,

the events, the process,

and leaves you to wonder

why it was so hastily green lit, in the first place.

The only certainty here

is pretty much the foot being discovered on the beach.

And Holy Christ, do they rely on that,

shot after shot, after shot.

The character of Melissa Caddick even starts goading you into watching it.

MELISSA: You see it? Yes, I see it.

There. Stop showing it.

That's how my foot got there.

(GAGS)

(GAGS)

Anyway, since all the 'Underbelly' series

are in the same shared universe,

I think the biggest revelation to come out of 'Vanishing Act'

is that it's now established

as all taking place inside a decomposing foot.

And that certainly explains the quality of recent entries.

Some politicians got together

on free-to-air

and tried some shouting.

They have no authority whatsoever.

This is a very important point.

Then they went over

to another network

and tried some more shouting.

I'll tell you what, small business...

I'm talking about workers.

Complicated. Employees.

You've refused to back in. I'm talking...

Maybe if they had another go at it,

they could have tried shutting the fuck up for a bit.

After all that sympathetic coverage on Seven

with last year's balls to the wall Spotlight special,

Craig McLachlan backed down from his own defamation case

against the ABC and Nine,

the same day when 11 women were due to give evidence against him.

Yeah, Craig must have really had them on the ropes there, hey.

Although he now faces millions in costs from dropping the case,

he'll now have time to drop that album

we know he is been beavering away at since 2021.

# Well he gathered his strength and focused his sights

# Ready for the fight of his life. #

Yeah, I hope Mona's on that one.

What am I talking about? No, I don't.

Revered journalist, Caroline Jones died.

Known for a whopping five-decade long career in radio and TV,

being a generous mentor, and winning multiple awards,

but apparently, she was known to some

as "Girl who took over Four Corners."

And by some, I mean men from the '70s.

Have a very happy Christmas.

Goodnight.

Speaking of men from the '70s,

'Barons' is a surfy drama series,

or eight-hour pastel-coloured soft drink commercial

about a guy who invents shorts.

Since it's set in the '70s,

there's long-haired hippies, people bemoaning the hippies...

Bloody hippies.

..sexual experimentation

leading to homophobic fallout and good old gay turmoil.

Just the whole town now knows that I'm a lezzo.

Yeah, but no gay men though because it's about surfing.

There's also plenty of drugs to choose from.

There's also plenty of drugs to choose from.

Marijuana, heroin, mushrooms.

I'm full, but you go ahead.

There's Vietnam conscription,

footage of resistance to Vietnam,

this specific green, lava lamp,

everyone dressed like they're going to a '70s costume party,

but in 1998,

unusually high stakes for a show about shorts...

(GUNSHOT)

..and characters going out of their way to mention '70s things.

Peter Chan,

you think you're too good to pick up that Polly Waffle wrapper?

Sure, it's next to his original Shrinky Dinks and radio from Brashs.

Continuing the theme of insufferable things on a beach,

'Byron Baes' was out on Netflix.

A morbidly fascinating slice-of-life docu-soap,

following a bunch of young, hot influencers in Byron Bay.

I'm saying bay with an E, obviously.

It got a bit of a rough treatment during production.

The locals were unhappy when it was green lit,

refusing to grant filming permission

amid fears the show would further

exacerbate a housing crisis.

Then the cast were unhappy

because Netflix had initially referred to the Instagram stars

as celebrity-adjacent-adjacent.

Whoopsie-daisy.

And once released, critics and audiences were unhappy.

And once released, critics and audiences were unhappy.

And, I'm kind of confused at how badly it was received

when 'Byron Baes' absolutely nails its own brief.

It's trashy, but addictive slow TV

with entire story arcs based around the tiniest of things.

But someone's going around and talking shit about you,

and calling you a fuckboy.

Sarah thinks that I'm a fuckboy.

Someone called me a fuckboy.

She asked me if he's a bit of a fuckboy.

Calling me a fuckboy and all of that.

He feels hurt, apparently, by the fuckboy comment.

Yeah, it's low stakes, but it's watchable.

I'd do anything for a fuckboy plot in series two of 'Troppo'.

Though cast member, Jade went on 'Studio 10'

ahead of the show's release to affirm that everything is real...

The show is 100% more real

than all the filler and Botox I have in my face, so...

..it has to be at least partially staged given the camera work

and the statistical anomaly of a dramatic altercation

at every single event.

I mean, what is this, a family barbecue?

Anyway, real or not,

it's a fun, easy watch, complete with some killer dialogue...

I'm not two-faced.

You are.

You are.

..and concerns for environmental causes.

There is so much power in being the bigger person,

and putting your own issues aside for the greater good,

which is to save the oceans.

Yeah, put aside Sarah's fakeness and whoever's the fuckboy

for just one second,

and you could have stopped coral bleaching by now.

Heading into June,

Russia put out a list of 121 prominent Australians

banned from entering the country,

including Liz Hayes, Stan Grant, and Andrew Bolt.

Probably the only time

those three are ever going to appear together on something.

After Channel 9 jumped at the chance

and announced a Shane Warne telemovie a few weeks after he died,

it was met with a bit of derision for happening too soon.

Sure, Nine had waited 16 days before making the announcement,

which is about 16 times longer than they waited to do Melissa Caddick.

So it's all perspective, isn't it?

But by June,

Shane Warne's manager was outright objecting to the project as well.

I don't think he's opposed to immortalising the sports star,

he's probably just seen a Channel 9 telemovie.

And in a spot of good news,

Seven's 'RFDS' wasn't axed after all,

being renewed for a second season.

A win is a win.

(HOOT)

I think we were unprepared to celebrate something.

Back over on 'Celebrity Apprentice',

where the episode to two hours each, by the way...

Got to make the quota somehow.

..the cool voiceover was being super whack

and appealing to the fellow kids.

SHOW NARRATOR: Benji, the lion-hearted man

is getting all the feels.

The Rom-dog is totally vibing.

It's kind of awks around here.

Mmm, slay.

There was also a segment

where contestants pitched television ideas

to powerful industry people, and Matt Okine,

to see if any could get commissioned for Stan,

thus explaining the platform's programming quality.

(GASPS AND WHISPERS) You bitch.

Also, cool dude Lord Sugs made a few interesting observations of the cast.

Because I don't really know who you are,

I don't give a damn about who you are.

As did the amazeballs VO guy.

Famous people.

Famous?

Bless you, child.

That's not what Twitter says though.

Mm, slay.

Mm, slay.

Both suggesting that these shows are acutely aware

that the definition of a modern celebrity

is quite loose these days.

More markets to cater to, and more ways to become famous.

Gone is the era

when a celebrity special could have Meatloaf, or Rolf Harris,

but just for completely different reasons, obviously.

Good evening, everybody.

We are here to present the Logie

for most outstanding news coverage

or public affairs report.

Historically titled 'Their Trauma, Your Logie'.

Lisa Wilkinson nabbed the gong

for her 2021 Brittany Higgins interview,

and what can possibly go wrong with a 2.5-minute Logie speech?

The 2.5-minute Logie speech that stopped a criminal trial.

Ah.

Lisa Wilkinson was warned last week

about the potential impact

of her comments on criminal proceedings.

Ah.

Her speech has obliterated

the distinction between allegations and facts.

Yeah, but apart from all that, it was alright.

The speech had somewhat misplaced

the presumption of innocence

of the man accused of allegedly raping Higgins,

with Wilkinson basing her speech around Higgins having told the truth.

with Wilkinson basing her speech around Higgins having told the truth.

And, when the case was due to start only two days after the Logies,

quickly became a bit of a legal mess.

This was also despite Lisa herself warning others

to not prejudice the case back in 2021,

and despite Channel 10 lawyers who had...

Reportedly approved her speech before delivery.

..but I guess had just overlooked small parts of it,

like all the words.

Hard to not chalk this one up

as a presenter being blinded by the glamour of an accolade.

So, we hope it helps that we award this moment

The TV Fuck Up of the year.

The ABC celebrated their 90th anniversary,

but I should be clear

it's not 90 years of them broadcasting television,

that's in 2046.

They'll be able to have another 90th then.

Or in 2032, can have a 100th, or a broadcasting 76th.

Or a tenth anniversary of their 90th.

The main special was a big celebration of things

like the magical chaos of live television,

but with a bunch of pre-recorded segments.

Obviously, it was never going to showcase the sheer output

of our national broadcaster with rare and obscure clips,

of our national broadcaster with rare and obscure clips,

partly given they recently sacked a bunch of their archive staff.

But regardless, the special probably didn't have time

to mention things like

how 'Scales of Justice' and 'Phoenix' were hypnotic gripping dramas,

how 1985's 'The National' gave large-scale news a red hot go,

how the 'Countdown Revolution' protest was pure fun chaos,

how the interview that got Media Watch cancelled in 2000

was claustrophobic,

or how Corridor from 'Plasmo' was what I thought a vagina looked like.

But we'll always have room for that fucking clip

of the dude falling off the tower in Bellbird.

(SCREAMS)

I guess you don't need an archivist for that one.

With a selection of classic clips available,

mixed in with the modern version of ABC programming,

it inadvertently showcased

that it hadn't really taken a risk for a while.

And who can blame her? She is 90.

I did enjoy that bit where Dr Karl just went on

about rocks and ice

and Craig Reucassel had to cut him off.

And they're actually trapped bits of the atmosphere...

From back then? From the time when that snow fell.

Yeah. CRAIG: Thank you.

Wow. And so if this lump of ice... And thank you so much Dr Karl and...

Thank you Dr Karl and Dr Lineker.

Look, sometimes it's hard for TV to cut at the perfect t...

Julie came back to 'MasterChef' and lost,

Reggie came back to 'Big Brother' and won,

and 'This is Your Life' came back

but couldn't pick a fucking font.

Well, according to Ten's new game show, 'Hunted',

digital surveillance and lack of privacy

can be an absolute hoot for the whole family.

Viewers and critics alike were oddly questioning

how real the whole thing was,

despite this disclaimer saying that a lot of it was simulated anyway.

I guess audiences expected Channel 10

to be granted access to every camera in Australia.

But they're not even properly using the ones they have.

This guy just kind of forgot he was being filmed by one,

and just wandered off.

(BLEEP).

(GRUNTS) Sorry.

(BLEEP). (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry.

Anyway, with a high-tech HQ, choppers,

and a seemingly infinite stream of resources,

and a seemingly infinite stream of resources,

imagine if we did that show but for TV sex pests.

You can still call it 'Hunted'.

Meanwhile, the realness of Channel 9's

'Beauty and the Geek'

was also being questioned for possibly having fake geeks.

Why are we suddenly shocked that TV's pretend?

Right, Mr Peppy?

You got it, Mr McTaggart.

Shabong.

Well, it's official.

After 37 years and nearly 9,000 episodes,

'Neighbours' is coming to an end.

Mm, apparently.

Back in March, the axe fell on 'Neighbours',

the production company confirming that UK's Channel 5

were dropping it from their line-up,

somewhat of a Paul Robinson-style betrayal.

But by June, discussion turned to the 100-odd crew

saying that Fremantle had refused to pay them redundancy

despite many having been there for 30-odd years.

And 30 years is an awful lot of car accidents, Toadfish,

and non-canon zombies to deal with without proper compensation.

Fremantle responded saying that the crew weren't employees

but contractors,

so aren't entitled to the usual employee standards

so aren't entitled to the usual employee standards

even though their contracts have been rolled over annually

for years on end.

So, another Paul Robinson-style betrayal.

The optics of it all weren't great.

The news came as the show

was reportedly sinking money

into getting cast back for the finale

and around the same time,

Fremantle had reported a 25% increase in revenue to nearly $3 billion.

Yeah, they also stated that what they were doing was legal.

Why would you need to clarify that

unless you are doing a Paul Robinson-style betrayal?

Metaphorically bulldozing the legacy of Ramsey Street

is like when Paul Robinson literally did it as a storyline,

an actual Paul Robinson-style betrayal.

Anyway, love or hate 'Neighbours', it was a decent send-off.

Most valuable player was not only Guy Pearce

who returned for a lead role in the finale, but Annie Jones.

And even better, they had actual dialogue to say,

unlike Scott and Charlene, closeted Chaplin fans I assume.

Also, the fact that when they arrived,

they were listening to the song 'Especially For You',

recorded by Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue,

suggesting that they both also exist within the 'Neighbours' universe.

Therefore would've become famous on a show called 'Neighbours',

Therefore would've become famous on a show called 'Neighbours',

within 'Neighbours'.

Well, I'm horny now.

Someone who wasn't in it was Craig McLachlan,

who posted his own homage to his character Henry Ramsey,

but with a live cross from Craig.

Let me just see if they're there.

Hi, Craig.

Hey, listen, thanks for letting me be part

of your special 'Neighbours' celebration.

I really appreciate it.

Mm, ignoring the fact that that's not how a live cross works,

the main ramification here

is that Henry Ramsey now exists outside the 'Neighbours' universe.

So, it's like a reverse Kylie and Jason scenario here.

In that it was shit.

While lots of people tuned in to watch the finale,

one person definitely didn't.

'Sydney Morning Herald' columnist Andrew Hornery,

who apparently had no regrets

never actually having watched an episode.

Despite being a TV critic

and despite having written about it.

Yeah, great job, Andrew.

Time is precious.

Your calendar understandably filled up

with trying to out celebrities like Rebel Wilson,

then sulking about it when she beat you to it,

then having your editor double down on it,

then expressing regret about it,

then expressing regret about it,

then having your editor apologise about doubling down on it.

I mean as long as you've got time to drink some water or something.

Up to August already,

where 'Australia's Favourite Tree' was apparently a River Red Gum.

SHOW'S NARRATOR: The River Red Gum.

Don't know what the fuck you were doing this whole time,

you piece of shit.

And then there was drugs with Richard Roxburgh.

I mean I voted for meth,

but ABC reception told me that's not what the show was,

and to stop calling.

And an episode of Bluey got banned in the US,

because it had a fart in it.

Think I'm about to ruin our syndication chances.

(FARTS)

If you've ever wondered

what social media culture has done to Gen Z,

look no further than reality dating nightmare

'Heartbreak Island Australia',

a crass display of vapid hotness and dead-inside expressions.

I'm excited for a glass of red and a hot boy in my bed.

I get what I want, when I want, where I want, with who I want.

All the girls are kind of going one-by-one,

and I'm looking down the line thinking, "No, no, no."

and I'm looking down the line thinking, "No, no, no."

I'm literally always horny, which is an issue.

And I can't describe it,

but it's like they've only got one demerit point left

between the lot of them.

The plot of the show is both unimportant and unintelligible.

Basically, they try to fuck or not fuck,

and they can bedhop to get to someone they want to fuck,

and sometimes strap a taco to their waist to win a watch.

I said it was unintelligible.

As each character is introduced,

we're treated to their dating profiles

where any attempts to humanise them are lost

when the focus is vacuous body shots.

But like that matters,

because you know deep down

they're all people who'd make you feel uncomfortable on a train.

I'm a six-foot-tall blonde bombshell.

I'm lovable, I'm relatable, and your mum's going to love me.

She definitely wouldn't, but thank you, ma'am.

If I could change one thing in the world,

I'd probably add two inches to myself,

and I'm not talking about my height.

I think it's bum hole circumference.

I think there are two massive reasons

why the boys are going to like me.

Books and architecture? (CHUCKLES) I don't...

Another deeply unsettling thing

is that some of these little hump gremlins are as young as 19.

is that some of these little hump gremlins are as young as 19.

What are they going to think of all this in ten years?

Or ten seconds?

Or is there just so much of this kind of content now

that'll be as forgotten as Pete Evans' run at the Senate?

On a night out, I love a skinny bitch.

Vodka lime and soda, that is.

Mm, would've picked him for more of an Irish Cunt.

The drink that is.

I love the city vibe.

Coffees, brunching, avocado on toast.

That is just me. (CHUCKLES)

(FAKE CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

I miss the era where the only outlet for a narcissist

was petty shoplifting,

or fooling their hometown into thinking they had cancer.

Season one was released

as a 7 Plus exclusive

with the tagline...

Was it too hot for TV

or was it too New Zealand for an Australian programme?

Because it's actually the third season

of a differently titled show that airs across the Tasman,

Or perhaps instead it was just too dead inside for TV.

And fuck me, is that saying something.

'Mystery Road Origin', the best drama of 2022

is a terrific character-driven piece that's all about the little moments.

It's a welcome return to the tone of the original movies

It's a welcome return to the tone of the original movies

gently unfolding,

and the plot isn't forced upon you like a gun to the head,

except literally when it is here and here and a couple of other times.

There's not a weak link in the cast.

Mark Coles Smith breezes into the role,

and Caroline Brazier is fascinating to watch

as a sort of entitled ambiguous Karen.

There's also a sadness underpinning the whole thing

since the audience knows what's ahead for the characters.

As an Australian film that got a sequel film,

then two series, then a prequel series,

the character of Jay Swan has now surpassed Ted Bullpit

in terms of number of spinoffs,

and I really don't know what to do with that information.

In August, we lost quite a few people.

Judith Durham, Olivia Newton-John, Archie Roach,

then director Shirley Barrett,

notable to me for directing some of the excellent 'Love My Way',

and actor Marshall Napier,

notable to me as General Grimes in 'Farscape'.

I mean, obviously, it's going to be 'Farscape'.

The night Olivia died,

Channels 7 and Nine clamoured to do tribute programming,

Nine opting for 'Grease',

and Seven grabbing the not-so-acclaimed biopic

and Seven grabbing the not-so-acclaimed biopic

featuring Delta Goodrem.

Because even in death there's a ratings night to be won.

I mean that quite genuinely. They'll outlive us all.

Wayne Carey was found with a bag of white powder inside Crown Casino.

He's been hit with a two-year ban

and stood down from his high-profile commentary roles

at Channel 7 and Triple M.

Yeah, but in Carey's defence,

I'm sure even he would've been shocked

that that was the final straw.

Again, pause this screen.

Plus it's a bit rich of Seven to de-platform someone

just for white powder possession,

when only two days earlier on Spotlight,

platformed someone just for white powder possession.

Cocaine Cassie, how do you feel about that?

So, I guess white powder is bad at Crown,

but fine when it's for your own graphics.

Cool, got it.

'After The Verdict', a crime comedy-drama,

not to be confused with 2015s 'The Verdict',

that Mark Latham panel show,

though 'After The Verdict' is after 'The Verdict',

chronologically speaking.

It came after it.

'The Verdict'. It doesn't matter.

But 'After The Verdict' is also not to be confused

But 'After The Verdict' is also not to be confused

with 'The Twelve',

a different drama on Foxtel,

which is about a woman who may or may not have done a murder.

Whereas 'After The Verdict'

is about a woman who may or may not have done a murder.

You know what? I hear it now.

Tonally though, they're both very different.

While 'After The Verdict' is a thriller caper

that's pulled in a few too many directions,

'The Twelve' is more lavish and grounded,

though a lot heavier going.

It looks fantastic,

the courtroom storyline is captivating,

Brooke Satchwell and Brendan Cowell in particular,

give great performances.

Plus, piece-of-shit husband character

easily wins the title of this year's Most Punchable Face in Fiction.

# It's a punchable face. # (PUNCH SOUND)

Onto 'Savage River',

a drama about a convicted murderer

in a sleepy town where a new murder happens.

Not to be confused with 'Troppo',

a drama about a convicted murderer

in a sleepy town where a new murder happens.

(SCREAMS MUMBLES)

Both shows also weirdly involve the current murder,

inadvertently exonerating them

for the murder they were incarcerated for,

completely undoing

the most interesting aspects of their characters.

Yeah, but it let the makeup departments

do that smokey eye,

which I guess is shorthand for, "I thought I killed someone."

which I guess is shorthand for, "I thought I killed someone."

'Savage River' also shares some key similarities

with 2014's 'Secrets and Lies'.

Both feature the main character discovering the body,

both have an overzealous cop wrongly pursuing them,

both strenuously deny it,

which only makes the cops more suspicious,

then both get framed with a planted murder weapon,

get paranoid about who's framing them,

and then both foolishly attempt to hide it.

(SCREAMS) I mean, my god.

Safe to say that 2022 has been

the year for the murder drama.

So we're happy to reveal

that next year is going to be all about...

Eh, I've heard worse.

Oh wow, look at that.

Ah, Todd Sampson.

Hi, Todd.

I don't want this.

Internet equals bad, in series two of Todd Sampson's 'Mirror Mirror',

which goes pretty hard on showcasing the horrors of the online world.

For example, what could possibly happen

For example, what could possibly happen

when you enter an anonymous chat room notorious for sexual content,

bait it with a childlike actress, and pretend to be her typing?

I hope nothing goes wrong.

SHOW'S NARRATOR: Within seconds, the questionable behaviour begins.

MAN: Oh, my god, what's he doing with his tongue?

Show feet.

What?

That's weird.

Let's go again.

Yeah, don't worry, this won't escalate.

Oh, my god.

That is disgusting.

We can't show you what's on screen.

It's so gross.

Oh, no. Such unexpected results.

Oh, Jesus.

OK, that's scarring.

Let's go again.

Stop going on it.

While the show definitely touches on some genuine issues,

it goes mostly for shock and alarm,

only countering it with somewhat superficial solutions

and incorrect use of hashtags.

An article from 'The Conversation' took issue

with 'Mirror Mirror's' claim that the majority of children's friends

are strangers on the internet

are strangers on the internet

despite research concluding otherwise.

The show also hastily finds correlations

between digital device use and ADHD diagnoses,

but doesn't explain that correlation doesn't equal causation.

Furthermore, the neo-Nazi interview

that Sampson conducted back in April,

was nowhere to be seen in the series

after copping substantial criticism online.

So, it is pretty funny

that his own show about the internet being bad,

is an example of the internet being good.

Anyway, superficial, sensationalist, alarmist,

even without a Nazi,

it still managed to be hashtag bullshit.

Well, executives took a look at current dating shows and thought,

"Let's set it on a boat now."

And thus, 'The Real Love Boat' materialised,

but just a pity the ratings didn't.

Maybe the whole thing felt a bit tired

because its namesake,

'The Love Boat' series last went to air in 1986.

Surely it's not that hard to come up with new names for boat dating shows,

'Nautical Nymphs', 'Motorboating', or 'Dysentery Diarrhoea and Dicks'.

'Nautical Nymphs', 'Motorboating', or 'Dysentery Diarrhoea and Dicks'.

Dick has two meanings there, so it's clever.

To coincide with the 20th anniversary of the Bali bombings,

Stan released the docu-drama 'Bali 2002'.

And when the opening titles are set to explosions and screams...

(MAN SCREAMING)

You know you're in for a really nuanced piece of television.

(SIGHS EXHAUSTEDLY)

The story starts with a couple getting married in London,

and the scene is an excessively saccharine attempt

at contrasting the impending horror,

which feels so exaggerated that it's unrealistic,

especially with lines of dialogue like this...

We love Bali.

Bali is where we met.

Bali is magical, isn't it, babe?

Bali is truly the island of the gods.

I mean, are they marrying each other, or Bali?

The story hastily establishes some other characters,

and by the 22-minute mark, we're already at the Sari Club.

In drawn-out slow motion

that's more at home in a stylised thriller

than a sensitive retelling, the bombs explode,

than a sensitive retelling, the bombs explode,

and people are shown being engulfed in flames

and thrown around.

It's one thing to show the explosions up close,

but it's another thing to repeat them in every episode.

The creators opting to replay the explosion

through different characters perspectives

and showcase the carnage multiple times.

Which adds nothing to the plot, makes it feel structureless,

and looks more like a cynical attempt

at amortising the cost of the explosion.

Maybe that's why all the fonts are explosion coloured.

Mm, subtle.

Things get a bit more focused

once Graham Ashton / Richard Roxburgh comes in,

but even then the investigation scenes feel foggy

on procedural detail and glossed over.

And that's the recurring issue here.

Detail.

This character is working at ground zero.

She notes how long it's going to take her to do forensic identifications,

but then she's also at HQ listening to meetings

and triangulating mobile phones.

What's her role exactly?

Then, faceless bureaucrat

is just perpetually walking everywhere

to give him a vague authority.

And this is meant to be

one of the best forensic crews in the country.

Wait for it.

Embargoed information.

Nothing to leave this room.

Ah, yeah,

not jeopardising the investigation makes sense, does it?

God, you could poke that character and she'd fall over.

Frustratingly, the series has little to say

about the nature of Australia and Bali tourism,

the cultural differences

or even the impact of 9/11 the year before.

Instead, it's all very convenient.

In the end, the terrorist is blackmailed

because he happens to watch western porn,

which might have happened,

but it's not exactly thought-provoking.

So, where does it stack up with other dramatisations?

Take the 1998 mini-series 'The Day of the Roses'

about the 1977 Granville Rail Disaster,

which killed 83 people.

First up, the structure is smarter.

Instead of hovering around the disaster,

it's set five months after it,

focusing on the coroner's inquest,

and only goes into the event via flashbacks.

It also allows the characters

to convincingly feed exposition to the audience

in the form of testimonies.

in the form of testimonies.

The level of detail and context conveyed here is astonishing.

It's impeccably researched

and you know that they know what they're talking about.

So, by the time, the accident is shown,

once, by the way, and at the 70-minute mark,

it comes with a huge amount of understanding

and emotional weight.

Where 'Day of the Roses' teaches you about what happened,

'Bali' only takes what you already know

and reflects it back at you.

Whether or not the graphic content was limited

due to broadcast television in the '90s,

there's a horror in what isn't being shown,

and the production clearly had to rely on everything else

for it to resonate with the audience.

The result is that almost every emotional beat lands,

compared with 'Bali'

which leaves very little to the imagination.

A simple example of this attention to detail

is when the character of Margaret

has to be dragged out of the wreckage by her chest.

Oh, oh, there's glass. There's glass.

Sorry. It's OK.

One more time now. It's OK.

Yeah? Go.

The chest and glass details are specific,

clearly, the result of research

and translates into heartbreaking character moments

and translates into heartbreaking character moments

between the two of them.

The aftermath scene of 'Bali' consists of standard chaos shots

with shaky camera and out-of-focus flames,

and it lacks those little details

that help believably anchor it in the moment.

Then other shots like this just take you out of it completely,

a victim killed in the blast,

but sitting within a car that is absolutely intact.

Come on.

Anyway, when 'Bali 2002' was released

to coincide with the bombing's 20th anniversary,

'Media Watch' pointed out

that 9 gave the series a shit-tonne of cross-promotion

via '60 Minutes', 'Today', the football

and wraparounds

on Nine owned mastheads,

which printed the incorrect date

by the way.

Perfectly encapsulating

the issue of detail.

And I get it, it's a commercial organisation,

they're going to promote it hard,

because any series has to be profitable.

But for fuck's sake,

it's the anniversary of a terrorist attack.

It's not a 100 years of Cadbury.

Just chill.

In November, everything old was new again.

George Calombaris was back on our TV screens,

this time in a show called 'Hungry',

which was also the main grievance of his staff

whilst he was underpaying them.

7 was all over milestones.

'Kath and Kim' came back for a 20th anniversary,

Paul Hogan came back for a something-th?,

and Seven was also getting plenty of mileage

out of 'Hey Hey's' 100th after a 50th the year before,

which is not how time works,

but Daryl himself explained it thusly.

So, why do the 100th now?

Well, because in 2071,

the real anniversary date of this show, 100 years,

I somehow don't think I'll be standing here.

OK, Daryl.

So, since anniversaries mean nothing now,

the ABC should have straight up done their 100th this year.

Fuck it, a 150th,

in turn paving the way for the hotly anticipated

375 years of 'Bite Club',

the 800th anniversary of Thorpe's 'Undercover Angels',

and 'Q&A's' 4 millionth.

That one doesn't even feel like an exaggeration.

Dating-wise, since we'd already done terrible people on island,

terrible people in Spain, nicer people on farm,

terrible people in Spain, nicer people on farm,

then terrible people indoors,

which was also the working title for 'Sunrise',

the only real combination left to explore was older people, retreat.

And so birthed 'My Mum Your Dad',

where kids try to encourage their parents to have sex

with other kids parents.

Which I cannot stress enough is not a present interest of mine.

Anyway, 'My Mum Your Dad' sounds less like a dating show

and more like a weird threat for a Thunderdome deathmatch,

which I would obviously watch.

Well, we went four months without 'Neighbours'

and we couldn't hack it, apparently.

Despite the graceful conclusion of the finale,

Amazon Freevee tossed the defunct soap a lifeline

and underfuncted it,

with Ten holding onto broadcast rights.

Some cast were unaware of it, which was weird,

and many others were remarking how quickly it had happened.

Some things didn't quite stack up.

So, how's about a hot take from me? Start the clock.

Hypothetically, let's say 'Neighbours'

had secured a deal with Amazon, not in November,

but earlier in the year

when the show was still in production.

Maybe the reason no other broadcasters

threw the show are lifeline,

was because Amazon was already on board,

was because Amazon was already on board,

because we know that 'Neighbours' had been looking

for a new broadcast partner since at least mid-2021.

So, it's not like they'd be doing nothing.

They're not ACMA.

And so in this hypothetical,

what would be the benefit of announcing a deal with Amazon

after the show had ended?

Well, considering 2021,

the same creative team made 'Lie with Me',

produced for the cost of only two weeks of 'Neighbours'.

Perhaps that was something of a dry run,

utilising a smaller, cheaper production crew,

to prove that 'Neighbours' could be made more efficiently.

But to roll out that model

would involve dumping all the cast and crew and starting again.

Therefore, letting the show finish in July

would disperse the original employees,

sorry, contractors,

and raise fewer eyebrows

if they were to now hire a completely different cast or crew.

In turn, this would therefore mean

that at least some key people at 10 were aware

that Neighbours was not really ending.

Perhaps explaining why 10 had opted not to produce a 'Neighbours' special

or why the Logies didn't give its 37-year run much of a mention.

And finally, 'Neighbours' doing a big finale episode

under the guise of it being the last ever

would be the only circumstance where big stars would ever return,

thus maximising publicity

and generating huge ratings,

none of which would've happened

if it had just seamlessly transitioned straight to Amazon.

(ALARM BELL GOING OFF)

All just a theory, of course.

Obviously, I reckon they've also done something

with tectonic plates and volcanoes,

but I'm not sure how that fits in yet.

Finally arriving at December,

Seven had an extravagant Christmas party,

Nine also had an extravagant Christmas party,

meanwhile, Ten finished fourth in the ratings,

had an exodus of Project presenters,

and had their Christmas party cancelled.

Is that swings and roundabouts?

I'm not sure.

As we wrap up the year,

I wonder if anything's actually improved.

Well, my allergies have certainly gotten worse.

And sure, it might as well be 1964 again

when Nazis were on air,

there was also minimal legislation for children's content,

and 'Fam Time' wasn't anywhere near being broadcast either.

But 2022 was the year

where 'Mystery Road Origin' became the most-watched drama ever on iView.

where 'Mystery Road Origin' became the most-watched drama ever on iView.

We can celebrate the huge success of 'Heartbreak High',

despite Netflix still not committing to local content quotas, eugh bored.

And on the flip side,

Channel 7's contribution to new drama

was producing none of it at all.

Obviously, they were too preoccupied

getting to 92% whiteness on their network.

Fingers crossed for a 100% next year.

'Mad As Hell' called time after an incredible 15 seasons,

Tracy Grimshaw signed off 'ACA' after 17 years,

and 'The Real Love Boat' looks to bow out after barely one.

And look, we could go on about abysmal drama output,

generally terrible diversity, and uninspired content,

but I think the two biggest issues facing Australian television

are refusing to embrace a musical finale

and lack of fart jokes.

(FART SOUND)

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends 'cause I say they are

# Just see how good are my TV friends

# My best friends best friends best friends

# TV friends help me unwind

# They're very best of all humankind

# They're very best of all humankind

# They don't tell me what to think or say

# No ulterior motives in any way

# My TV friends will tell it true

# And don't bite off more than they can chew

# TV friends are all smart and bright

# 'Cause if they're on TV then they must be right

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends 'cause I say they are

# Just see how good are my TV friends

# My best friends best friends best friends

# TV content that's good and pure

# And never as a ratings lure

# Social issues and talking trends

# 'Cause they're interested in solving them

# A TV friend knows what you're worth

# 'Cause they're always selfless and put you first

# A TV news friend cares for me

# they're the only news source that I need... #

Death.

Family cat.

# My real friends are TV stars

# They're my best friends 'cause I say they are

# Just see how good are my TV friends

# My best friends best friends best friends

# Everyone friends TV stars

# They think of you in their fancy cars

# Just see how good are our TV friends

# Our best friends best friends best friends best friends. #

Captioned by Ai-Media ai-media.tv

Oh, wait, the Queen died.

How did we miss that?