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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,121 --> 00:00:06,582 Hey, Darlene! I need a hand. 2 00:00:06,583 --> 00:00:08,209 I gotta go to a memorial service 3 00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:10,294 for my high-school English teacher on Sunday, 4 00:00:10,295 --> 00:00:12,046 and I don't know what to wear. 5 00:00:12,047 --> 00:00:15,716 Uh, black and shoes you wouldn't go camping in. 6 00:00:15,717 --> 00:00:18,344 Oh, I know black. 7 00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,679 But I'm gonna see classmates 8 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,305 I haven't seen for over 50 years. 9 00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:22,807 I don't want to look shabby 10 00:00:22,808 --> 00:00:26,519 'cause I'd at least like them to ask how I'm doing. 11 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,897 Then I can say "poorly," and we can move on. 12 00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:31,023 Alright, fine. 13 00:00:31,024 --> 00:00:33,734 Uh, what about the suit you married Louise in? 14 00:00:33,735 --> 00:00:36,779 I don't want to make it all sad. 15 00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,157 It's in the happy end of the closet. 16 00:00:40,158 --> 00:00:42,201 You have happy clothes and sad clothes? 17 00:00:42,202 --> 00:00:43,786 Yeah. 18 00:00:43,787 --> 00:00:46,747 Like I got a happy daughter and a sad daughter. 19 00:00:46,748 --> 00:00:48,791 And here's the happy one. 20 00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:51,003 Hi! It's a beautiful day. 21 00:00:53,171 --> 00:00:54,422 Let her help you. 22 00:00:54,423 --> 00:00:57,299 The sad one is busy looking for work right now. 23 00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:59,969 Uh, "Must be upbeat and like working with people." 24 00:00:59,970 --> 00:01:00,970 Next. 25 00:01:04,141 --> 00:01:06,017 What are you guys doing here, anyway? 26 00:01:06,018 --> 00:01:08,894 Didn't I build you a house? 27 00:01:08,895 --> 00:01:10,980 Well, Darlene is using your Wi-Fi, 28 00:01:10,981 --> 00:01:12,648 and my mail still comes here 29 00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:15,151 so I can tell the credit card company, 30 00:01:15,152 --> 00:01:17,779 "I would've paid it, but it didn't come to my new place." 31 00:01:19,239 --> 00:01:21,949 What's the clothes problem? 32 00:01:21,950 --> 00:01:23,492 I gotta go to a funeral on Sunday, 33 00:01:23,493 --> 00:01:25,578 and I don't have anything to wear. 34 00:01:25,579 --> 00:01:27,955 I got a sports coat, but it's kinda loud. 35 00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:30,958 My English teacher would've said it's "gauche." 36 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,085 She just made up words like that. 37 00:01:33,086 --> 00:01:35,004 She was so cool. 38 00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:37,715 Here's something for you from the bank. 39 00:01:37,716 --> 00:01:39,426 It says "time sensitive." 40 00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:45,681 Damn it. What? 41 00:01:45,682 --> 00:01:47,641 My variable mortgage rate blew up, 42 00:01:47,642 --> 00:01:49,935 and I owe 6 grand I don't have. 43 00:01:49,936 --> 00:01:52,021 Oh, my God. How soon do they want it? 44 00:01:52,022 --> 00:01:53,272 They want it now. 45 00:01:54,483 --> 00:01:57,193 Can somebody get that? 46 00:01:57,194 --> 00:01:59,904 Sorry. Delivery Girl Darlene's 47 00:01:59,905 --> 00:02:01,530 gotta finish this job application 48 00:02:01,531 --> 00:02:05,618 before she drops off some Italian food. 49 00:02:05,619 --> 00:02:07,119 Damn it! I just wrote "chicken parm" 50 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,622 under "special skills." 51 00:02:10,791 --> 00:02:13,000 Oh, my stars and garters! Smitty! 52 00:02:13,001 --> 00:02:14,335 Hello, Dan! 53 00:02:14,336 --> 00:02:16,837 Good to see you, brother. 54 00:02:16,838 --> 00:02:18,422 Girls, this is Smitty. 55 00:02:18,423 --> 00:02:19,924 I told you about him. 56 00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:21,592 He's a buddy of me and your mom's 57 00:02:21,593 --> 00:02:24,136 who made a killing in the pool supply business. 58 00:02:24,137 --> 00:02:26,722 Honestly, I didn't think you'd show up for the funeral. 59 00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:29,392 Why hang out with us regular folks after you made it big? 60 00:02:29,393 --> 00:02:32,478 'Cause showing the regular folks how you made it big 61 00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:34,481 is the whole point of making it big. 62 00:02:35,899 --> 00:02:38,359 Money doesn't bring you happiness, Dan. 63 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,569 But it makes other people feel badly about themselves, 64 00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:41,570 and that makes you happy. 65 00:02:43,156 --> 00:02:44,907 Well, mission accomplished. 66 00:02:44,908 --> 00:02:49,161 I had to be in Chicago anyway. I bought a hospital here. 67 00:02:49,162 --> 00:02:51,956 Hey, would any of you folks get a triple bypass 68 00:02:51,957 --> 00:02:54,084 at a place called Smitty General? 69 00:02:55,419 --> 00:02:57,628 Yes, I'd like one. 70 00:02:57,629 --> 00:02:59,505 Hi. I'm Becky. Hi. 71 00:02:59,506 --> 00:03:01,799 Uh, I'm always looking for a good place 72 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,052 to have a mental breakdown, if you offer those services. 73 00:03:05,053 --> 00:03:05,929 I'm Darlene. 74 00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,889 Hi. You're Rosie's kids. 75 00:03:08,890 --> 00:03:10,057 I'm sorry about your mom. 76 00:03:10,058 --> 00:03:12,184 She was a one-of-a-kind. 77 00:03:12,185 --> 00:03:15,272 I don't know if you know this, but I was almost your dad. 78 00:03:16,606 --> 00:03:17,732 You still can be. 79 00:03:20,861 --> 00:03:23,070 We both had a thing for your mom. 80 00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:25,406 And she chose Dan. 81 00:03:25,407 --> 00:03:26,366 Can't blame her. 82 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:27,825 Hell of a guy. 83 00:03:27,826 --> 00:03:29,034 Anyway, I just dropped by 84 00:03:29,035 --> 00:03:31,412 'cause I'm giving everyone in our gang a little gift 85 00:03:31,413 --> 00:03:33,289 before we get together at The Lobo tonight. 86 00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:34,290 Oh. 87 00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:40,212 "In Loving Memory of Mrs. Willens. 88 00:03:40,213 --> 00:03:46,218 She always said I was going to be someone special, and I am." 89 00:03:46,219 --> 00:03:47,469 Smitty Cusamano. 90 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,015 Well, that's quite a tribute to her. 91 00:03:51,016 --> 00:03:54,268 No, it's... it's for me, because I did so well. 92 00:03:54,269 --> 00:03:56,605 I... Well, I think it's fun. 93 00:03:57,898 --> 00:04:01,275 I'll see you later on tonight at The Lobo, Danny boy. 94 00:04:01,276 --> 00:04:04,945 And, um, we're gonna have a free breakfast program 95 00:04:04,946 --> 00:04:07,114 at the hospital for underserved communities. 96 00:04:07,115 --> 00:04:08,407 You should come by. 97 00:04:08,408 --> 00:04:10,952 Some eggs and a sausage'll bring that color right back. 98 00:04:35,435 --> 00:04:36,644 "The Conners" is recorded 99 00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:38,312 in front of a live studio audience. 100 00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:41,482 Your attention, please. 101 00:04:41,483 --> 00:04:45,653 Next up on the catwalk, in this season's hottest winter look, 102 00:04:45,654 --> 00:04:48,448 direct from Milan... O's Pizza... 103 00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:52,327 Lanford's own Beverly Rose! 104 00:04:59,251 --> 00:05:03,128 Oh, wow! Look at you. 105 00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:06,382 Pretty fierce, the way you're rocking those Fuggs. 106 00:05:06,383 --> 00:05:07,550 They're real Uggs. 107 00:05:07,551 --> 00:05:09,760 Wow. Those aren't cheap. 108 00:05:09,761 --> 00:05:12,054 Don't worry. They're gonna get plenty of use. 109 00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:14,808 When she outgrows them, your mom can wear them. 110 00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:17,685 Ooh, burn on me. 111 00:05:17,686 --> 00:05:19,896 I don't have your big, fat yeti feet. 112 00:05:21,398 --> 00:05:23,775 Go put your new shoes by the door, sweet pea. 113 00:05:26,111 --> 00:05:27,945 Celebrate with me? 114 00:05:27,946 --> 00:05:30,114 I finally figured out what I'm going to do 115 00:05:30,115 --> 00:05:31,866 with my psychology degree. 116 00:05:32,617 --> 00:05:33,867 I talked to my advisor, 117 00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:36,370 and I'm going to be an addiction counselor. 118 00:05:36,371 --> 00:05:39,456 Is this your way of telling me that I get high too much? 119 00:05:39,457 --> 00:05:40,499 Because I just took a gummy, 120 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,501 and I'm getting a little paranoid. 121 00:05:42,502 --> 00:05:44,587 No, it's about how good I feel 122 00:05:44,588 --> 00:05:47,840 helping people I've sponsored turn their lives around. 123 00:05:47,841 --> 00:05:50,301 Turns out all those years I was getting blackout drunk, 124 00:05:50,302 --> 00:05:51,886 I was just doing research. 125 00:05:53,054 --> 00:05:56,890 The only downside is, I gotta get my master's degree, 126 00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:58,684 which I can't afford to do 127 00:05:58,685 --> 00:06:00,603 unless I live with Ben and your mom 128 00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:02,688 for two years longer than we planned. 129 00:06:02,689 --> 00:06:04,481 Have you told them yet? 130 00:06:04,482 --> 00:06:06,692 No big deal. I'll just move back in here. 131 00:06:06,693 --> 00:06:09,153 Nope. Louise turned the extra bedroom into a music room, 132 00:06:09,154 --> 00:06:12,197 and Grandpa moved his weed grow downstairs. 133 00:06:12,198 --> 00:06:14,700 Why? I thought he was growing it in their closet. 134 00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:17,036 He was, but the pot made Louise's clothes smell, 135 00:06:17,037 --> 00:06:18,997 and a drug dog took her down in Walmart. 136 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,252 So, why was this teacher so special? 137 00:06:25,253 --> 00:06:26,670 She passed all the jocks 138 00:06:26,671 --> 00:06:29,548 so we wouldn't get kicked off our teams. 139 00:06:29,549 --> 00:06:30,883 At my graduation, she said, 140 00:06:30,884 --> 00:06:33,010 "Some of you have bright futures. 141 00:06:33,011 --> 00:06:34,470 Some of you don't know your butts 142 00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:36,805 from a hole in the ground... 143 00:06:36,806 --> 00:06:38,390 Dan." 144 00:06:38,391 --> 00:06:41,018 Nice shout-out. 145 00:06:41,019 --> 00:06:43,729 So, this is what a room full of jocks 146 00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:46,523 looks like 50 years later, huh? 147 00:06:46,524 --> 00:06:49,276 Hey, I resemble that remark. 148 00:06:49,277 --> 00:06:51,528 So, I was never an athlete, but Mrs. Willens, 149 00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:53,947 she showed the same grade respect to the color guard. 150 00:06:53,948 --> 00:06:57,451 She used to love to watch me twirl my guns. 151 00:06:57,452 --> 00:06:59,953 You got a lot of action twirling those guns. Yeah. 152 00:06:59,954 --> 00:07:01,914 That's when my brother fell in love with you. 153 00:07:01,915 --> 00:07:05,501 Oh, yeah, everybody loves the rifle girl. 154 00:07:05,502 --> 00:07:08,045 Odd thing is, though, nobody remembers me. 155 00:07:08,046 --> 00:07:10,255 But I look basically the same, 156 00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:13,467 so, uh, I guess that's what's throwing people off. 157 00:07:13,468 --> 00:07:15,928 Louise Goldufsky? 158 00:07:15,929 --> 00:07:17,596 Oh. 159 00:07:17,597 --> 00:07:20,557 And Jackie Harris. 160 00:07:20,558 --> 00:07:22,559 Okay. 161 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,812 So good to see you again. Yes. 162 00:07:24,813 --> 00:07:26,355 Hey, Smitty, come join us at our table. 163 00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:27,564 I'll go get some drinks. 164 00:07:27,565 --> 00:07:28,690 How you doing, Smitty? 165 00:07:28,691 --> 00:07:30,484 How's he doing? 166 00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:33,779 How's he d... This guy went from blowing the whistle 167 00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:36,615 at swim meets to being the biggest name in pool supply. 168 00:07:36,616 --> 00:07:38,283 That's how he's doing. 169 00:07:38,284 --> 00:07:40,953 Hey, you remember how I used to watch you start the races? 170 00:07:40,954 --> 00:07:42,746 I'll say yes if we can move on. 171 00:07:42,747 --> 00:07:45,666 Yeah. Movin' on. 172 00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:47,919 Maybe if you watch me walking away, you'll remember. 173 00:07:52,924 --> 00:07:56,802 So... I heard you and Dan got hitched. 174 00:07:56,803 --> 00:07:58,887 Although I wouldn't know it from the ring, 175 00:07:58,888 --> 00:08:00,806 'cause you can barely see the stone. 176 00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:03,684 Oh, hello! Peekaboo. 177 00:08:03,685 --> 00:08:07,438 You know, Smitty, um, we're all really happy for you, 178 00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:10,899 but between us, could you ease up on the money thing? 179 00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:12,609 Dan's going through a rough stretch. 180 00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:13,986 I'm sorry. What happened? 181 00:08:13,987 --> 00:08:14,987 Oh, you know. 182 00:08:14,988 --> 00:08:17,614 Bank loans, interest rates going up. 183 00:08:17,615 --> 00:08:19,825 We got totally blindsided. 184 00:08:19,826 --> 00:08:22,035 You guys should watch the TV. 185 00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:23,370 It's full of information. 186 00:08:23,371 --> 00:08:25,205 Here you go. 187 00:08:25,206 --> 00:08:27,249 So, Dan... Milady. 188 00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,001 How much ya need? 189 00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:31,628 Enough to make me feel pretty. 190 00:08:31,629 --> 00:08:34,089 No, I mean money. Smitty. 191 00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:36,800 Hey, if you're behind on your mortgage, let me help you out. 192 00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:40,012 Oh, uh... 193 00:08:40,013 --> 00:08:41,847 I appreciate it, man, but we're good. 194 00:08:41,848 --> 00:08:44,892 Oh, come on. I wouldn't even miss it. 195 00:08:44,893 --> 00:08:47,311 That's the thing about making your first million, Dan. 196 00:08:47,312 --> 00:08:49,688 After that, the others aren't that hard. 197 00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:51,523 It's like hamsters. 198 00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:56,236 The money just climbs on top of each other and makes more money. 199 00:08:56,237 --> 00:08:57,488 Well, let me put it this way... 200 00:08:57,489 --> 00:09:00,949 If you were a millionaire, you'd do it for me, right? 201 00:09:00,950 --> 00:09:04,077 Well, I don't know. 202 00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:06,246 After I built the arcade and a Buffalo Wild Wings 203 00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:08,791 in my basement, I might poke my head up 204 00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:12,044 once a year to see if anyone needs help. 205 00:09:12,045 --> 00:09:13,212 Come on, Dan. 206 00:09:13,213 --> 00:09:14,880 When other people need help, 207 00:09:14,881 --> 00:09:16,424 you're the first guy to offer. 208 00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,428 Six grand, and I'll pay you back. 209 00:09:22,096 --> 00:09:24,807 You saved my ass, bro. 210 00:09:24,808 --> 00:09:27,226 Happy to do it. 211 00:09:27,227 --> 00:09:29,102 Hey, everybody! 212 00:09:29,103 --> 00:09:33,732 A toast to all my pals who are here this evening. 213 00:09:33,733 --> 00:09:35,901 And especially my friend Dan. 214 00:09:35,902 --> 00:09:38,278 I haven't seen this guy for 50 years, 215 00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:41,365 and the first thing he does is hit me up for six large. 216 00:09:41,366 --> 00:09:44,535 Can you believe the stones on this guy? 217 00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:45,577 Huh? 218 00:09:45,578 --> 00:09:47,621 Well, cheers! 219 00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:52,709 That was for Roseanne, jackass. 220 00:09:56,673 --> 00:09:58,507 What the hell, Smitty? 221 00:09:58,508 --> 00:10:01,134 You loaned me that money just to humiliate me? 222 00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:02,886 I thought you were okay with the whole Roseanne thing. 223 00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,596 I thought I was. 224 00:10:04,597 --> 00:10:06,974 Till I got here and everybody started laughing, 225 00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:09,726 remembering how I took Roseanne to homecoming 226 00:10:09,727 --> 00:10:10,769 and you went home with her. 227 00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,938 That was 50 years ago! 228 00:10:12,939 --> 00:10:15,732 You humiliated me, man. 229 00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,150 Payback's a bitch. 230 00:10:17,151 --> 00:10:18,569 You know what's gonna be a bitch 231 00:10:18,570 --> 00:10:19,820 is putting your nose back into place. 232 00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:21,154 Hey, Dan... Ah. 233 00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:24,283 Always the big, tough jock, right, Dan? 234 00:10:24,284 --> 00:10:25,617 Folks, listen up. 235 00:10:25,618 --> 00:10:28,203 Anybody got a beef with Conner here? 236 00:10:28,204 --> 00:10:30,581 'Cause I got two grand for anybody 237 00:10:30,582 --> 00:10:32,125 who'll take my place in a fight. 238 00:10:34,294 --> 00:10:35,586 Hey, Danny. 239 00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:37,547 Bobo? 240 00:10:39,257 --> 00:10:42,384 What do you and your fat wife think of my new hat? 241 00:10:50,602 --> 00:10:51,936 I'll fight him for free. 242 00:10:53,104 --> 00:10:56,315 I just offered you $2,000. 243 00:10:56,316 --> 00:10:59,860 This is why poor people never get anywhere. 244 00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,737 Had my jaw wired shut for three months. 245 00:11:01,738 --> 00:11:03,155 I don't need your money. 246 00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:04,907 I'm not gonna fight you. 247 00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:06,366 This is between me and Smitty. 248 00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,118 Well, then you're gonna stand there 249 00:11:08,119 --> 00:11:10,120 while I punch you like you sucker-punched me. 250 00:11:10,121 --> 00:11:12,706 Uh, Dan, you... You cannot do any fighting. 251 00:11:12,707 --> 00:11:15,584 Oh, I never walked away from one yet. 252 00:11:15,585 --> 00:11:16,835 Just hold this. 253 00:11:16,836 --> 00:11:18,587 With all the anti-coagulants I got in me, 254 00:11:18,588 --> 00:11:20,255 I don't want to bleed all over it. 255 00:11:20,256 --> 00:11:22,507 Whoa, Dan. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 256 00:11:22,508 --> 00:11:25,260 We're all here to honor Mrs. Willens. 257 00:11:25,261 --> 00:11:27,220 This isn't how you do it. 258 00:11:27,221 --> 00:11:29,181 First off, I remember your rap sheet 259 00:11:29,182 --> 00:11:31,516 from when I was a cop, and you don't need this. 260 00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:33,478 No, ma'am, I don't. 261 00:11:35,063 --> 00:11:37,272 Louise, take Dan home before something happens 262 00:11:37,273 --> 00:11:38,941 that everybody's gonna regret. 263 00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:41,735 Come on, Dan. It's not worth it. 264 00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:44,112 You know what? Yeah, I took Roseanne home! 265 00:11:44,113 --> 00:11:46,074 And we had 45 good years together! 266 00:11:47,909 --> 00:11:50,494 Then I married this woman. We're gonna have 45 more! 267 00:11:50,495 --> 00:11:52,913 God forbid. 268 00:11:56,584 --> 00:11:58,085 Hey, can we talk for a second? 269 00:11:58,086 --> 00:11:59,628 Sure. 270 00:11:59,629 --> 00:12:03,799 Uh, I know when we talked about me moving in with you, 271 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,760 we decided on a couple years. 272 00:12:06,761 --> 00:12:09,763 I was wondering what your definition is 273 00:12:09,764 --> 00:12:12,808 of "a couple years." 274 00:12:12,809 --> 00:12:17,396 Not one, not three. 275 00:12:17,397 --> 00:12:19,481 You're in college. You got this, right? 276 00:12:21,526 --> 00:12:24,903 Look, I might have to live with you and Ben longer. 277 00:12:24,904 --> 00:12:26,697 I want to be an addiction counselor, 278 00:12:26,698 --> 00:12:29,157 which requires a master's, 279 00:12:29,158 --> 00:12:33,578 so I'm gonna have to live with you for four years. 280 00:12:33,579 --> 00:12:36,749 It's just a couple, but two of them. 281 00:12:38,793 --> 00:12:40,002 Wow. 282 00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:41,712 Four years. 283 00:12:41,713 --> 00:12:43,630 I mean, I was fine with two, 284 00:12:43,631 --> 00:12:46,341 but waiting to be alone with Ben that long is asking a lot. 285 00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:47,926 I know. 286 00:12:47,927 --> 00:12:49,511 But you were the one who encouraged me 287 00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:52,681 to go back to school and... And make the most of my life. 288 00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:55,434 Yeah, and I'm happy that you found a direction in life, 289 00:12:55,435 --> 00:12:57,269 but I have to start mine, too. 290 00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,896 I mean, what if you need two more years after that? 291 00:12:59,897 --> 00:13:01,523 And then two more years? 292 00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:04,401 And then I'm stuck with you for God knows how long? 293 00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:05,944 Right? I mean, that's what we did to Mom and Dad, 294 00:13:05,945 --> 00:13:07,447 so I do know how it works. 295 00:13:10,241 --> 00:13:14,995 Do you think I like having to ask you to stay longer? 296 00:13:14,996 --> 00:13:18,415 I hate that I got so far off track, 297 00:13:18,416 --> 00:13:21,043 but now I finally know what I want to do with my life, 298 00:13:21,044 --> 00:13:23,170 and it's the only way I can do that. 299 00:13:23,171 --> 00:13:24,379 Well, I get it, 300 00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:28,800 but it's gotta be fair for me and Ben, too, right? 301 00:13:28,801 --> 00:13:31,387 I'm sorry. Forget I asked. 302 00:13:38,061 --> 00:13:41,354 Look, look, I-I know you don't want to talk about this, 303 00:13:41,355 --> 00:13:43,106 but I feel terrible. 304 00:13:43,107 --> 00:13:45,692 I never should've told that guy our financial stuff. 305 00:13:45,693 --> 00:13:48,195 It's not your fault. 306 00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:49,613 Man, I should've just ripped that check up 307 00:13:49,614 --> 00:13:50,781 and threw it in his face. 308 00:13:50,782 --> 00:13:52,365 I don't know. 309 00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:54,951 I would've lit it on fire and shoved it down his throat. 310 00:13:54,952 --> 00:13:58,413 Now we're just quibbling about differences in approach. 311 00:13:58,414 --> 00:13:59,539 It's not on you, Dan. 312 00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,124 The guy set you up. 313 00:14:01,125 --> 00:14:02,751 No. 314 00:14:02,752 --> 00:14:06,338 I set myself up by needing the money. 315 00:14:06,339 --> 00:14:08,965 Maybe i... if I'd have worked harder 316 00:14:08,966 --> 00:14:10,550 or done something different with my life. 317 00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:11,802 Oh. 318 00:14:11,803 --> 00:14:13,720 Oh, come on, honey, no. 319 00:14:13,721 --> 00:14:15,305 Everybody feels like that. 320 00:14:15,306 --> 00:14:17,390 Not Smitty. 321 00:14:17,391 --> 00:14:22,270 No, we both came from the same circumstance, and he won. 322 00:14:22,271 --> 00:14:24,816 He got everything he wanted out of life, and I didn't. 323 00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:28,401 Yeah, we've already dodged two fights tonight, 324 00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:30,071 so I'm not gonna take that personally. 325 00:14:34,659 --> 00:14:36,326 Look, I love my family, 326 00:14:36,327 --> 00:14:38,703 but I do not want them all at the house. 327 00:14:38,704 --> 00:14:40,288 I just want to be with you. 328 00:14:40,289 --> 00:14:42,207 I don't mind if they visit, 329 00:14:42,208 --> 00:14:44,292 but I look forward to standing in the doorway 330 00:14:44,293 --> 00:14:46,670 and waving and saying, "Take care. Drive safely," 331 00:14:46,671 --> 00:14:49,965 and then triple-locking that door. 332 00:14:49,966 --> 00:14:52,801 And Becky comments every time I take a drink. 333 00:14:52,802 --> 00:14:53,802 Can you imagine when she's studying 334 00:14:53,803 --> 00:14:55,136 to be an addiction counselor? 335 00:14:55,137 --> 00:14:57,055 Oh, yeah. It's gonna be impossible. 336 00:14:57,056 --> 00:15:01,059 She'll be all like, uh, "Ben, that beer will not heal 337 00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:04,479 the wounded child inside of you." 338 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,231 No, but it'll knock that little sucker out 339 00:15:06,232 --> 00:15:07,858 long enough for me to get hammered. 340 00:15:10,736 --> 00:15:12,904 Hey, how about this? 341 00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:16,116 We save part of Becky's rent... Don't tell her... 342 00:15:16,117 --> 00:15:18,493 And then, in two years, we give it back to her 343 00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,078 so she can move out when she planned? 344 00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:21,872 We can't do that. I don't have a job. 345 00:15:21,873 --> 00:15:22,873 We need that money. 346 00:15:22,874 --> 00:15:24,291 Oh, you're gonna get a job. 347 00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:26,585 But in two years, will you really be able 348 00:15:26,586 --> 00:15:28,837 to just toss her out into the street? 349 00:15:28,838 --> 00:15:32,132 No, that's why you're gonna do it. 350 00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:34,301 And I'm gonna say, "Ben, what are you doing? 351 00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,596 That's my sister, and I love her." 352 00:15:38,556 --> 00:15:41,182 Or... 353 00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:43,643 We give it to her to save. 354 00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:46,479 No. She'll just blow it buying Beverly Rose 355 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,567 a diamond tiara to go with her brand-new Uggs. 356 00:15:51,193 --> 00:15:53,987 Alright. Maybe we can keep it a secret, 357 00:15:53,988 --> 00:15:55,488 but we should say something 358 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:58,450 so she's not worried about it the whole time. 359 00:15:58,451 --> 00:16:01,620 Hey, Becky, come down here for a sec! 360 00:16:01,621 --> 00:16:02,871 Okay. We'll keep the money a secret? 361 00:16:02,872 --> 00:16:06,166 Yeah, now that I think about it, I love the idea. 362 00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:08,710 We hand her the cash, we look super generous, 363 00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,339 she's indebted to us forever for absolutely no reason. 364 00:16:16,052 --> 00:16:18,386 Listen, I am really sorry about last night. 365 00:16:18,387 --> 00:16:20,639 It's okay. You were right. 366 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,516 It's my problem, and I have two years to figure out 367 00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:26,019 where I'll be living. 368 00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:29,065 I think things are gonna be okay. 369 00:16:30,316 --> 00:16:31,608 I hope so. 370 00:16:31,609 --> 00:16:37,238 All I'm saying is, one way or another, 371 00:16:37,239 --> 00:16:42,202 I know you will be fine. 372 00:16:42,203 --> 00:16:44,996 Look, I let you off the hook. 373 00:16:44,997 --> 00:16:47,791 You don't need to make yourself feel better by saying 374 00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:49,793 I'm absolutely gonna be fine. 375 00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:52,379 No, I never said you were absolutely gonna be fine. 376 00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:55,966 I said I have a very, very good feeling. 377 00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,009 You don't know! 378 00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,136 I could end up in a refrigerator box 379 00:17:00,137 --> 00:17:02,806 behind a dumpster, fighting rats for French fries! 380 00:17:02,807 --> 00:17:04,015 No, I do know! I... 381 00:17:04,016 --> 00:17:05,850 Ben and I decided to save some of the rent 382 00:17:05,851 --> 00:17:07,143 and give it back to you so you can move out 383 00:17:07,144 --> 00:17:09,104 after two years. 384 00:17:09,105 --> 00:17:11,482 Really? Surprise. 385 00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:15,026 I think it's great that you're gonna help people. 386 00:17:15,027 --> 00:17:17,320 Oh, thank you! 387 00:17:17,321 --> 00:17:20,365 And once I get a job, I will pay back every penny! 388 00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:21,533 Mm. 389 00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:25,787 Here. Oh, thanks. 390 00:17:25,788 --> 00:17:28,582 Someone's on their second beer of the afternoon. 391 00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:36,423 Thank you all for coming. 392 00:17:36,424 --> 00:17:38,675 Some of you may remember an assignment 393 00:17:38,676 --> 00:17:40,552 that my wife gave you where she asked you 394 00:17:40,553 --> 00:17:42,971 to write a letter to your future selves. 395 00:17:42,972 --> 00:17:45,974 These were meant for your 60th reunion, 396 00:17:45,975 --> 00:17:49,269 but the Lord rang the bell and ended her school day, 397 00:17:49,270 --> 00:17:50,730 so please read them now. 398 00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:54,941 Wow. 399 00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,445 It's addressed to "Mrs. Donny Osmond." 400 00:18:00,948 --> 00:18:03,616 "I know the Mormons have accepted you, 401 00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:05,910 and right now, you're probably recovering 402 00:18:05,911 --> 00:18:09,914 from your whirlwind tour of Asia with the guys. 403 00:18:09,915 --> 00:18:13,960 All the people in school who never noticed you 404 00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:15,712 are gonna regret it. 405 00:18:15,713 --> 00:18:18,923 Please remember the teenager who promised herself that, 406 00:18:18,924 --> 00:18:22,886 no matter how rich she became... 407 00:18:22,887 --> 00:18:24,472 she'd never help her mother." 408 00:18:27,808 --> 00:18:30,685 That's touching. 409 00:18:30,686 --> 00:18:33,730 "Dear future self, you had a rough year, 410 00:18:33,731 --> 00:18:36,066 but things are turning around. 411 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:38,693 You're now president of the Junior Achievers Club, 412 00:18:38,694 --> 00:18:41,446 and once you get a girlfriend, everything will be perfect. 413 00:18:41,447 --> 00:18:43,948 But don't go after Louise Goldufsky. 414 00:18:43,949 --> 00:18:47,118 I think she's gonna end up in the roller derby anyway 415 00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:48,579 and be out of your league." 416 00:18:50,873 --> 00:18:52,957 What? You looked like a roller-derby queen. 417 00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:55,669 Yeah, I kinda do. 418 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:04,427 Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all freaked out about the future, 419 00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:07,680 but you're gonna play D-line in the NFL, so don't sweat it. 420 00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:10,725 It's easy for a Hall of Famer to get a job. 421 00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:14,646 Just be good at what you do, find a woman who loves you, 422 00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:18,566 and raise a family where you're always there for your kids. 423 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,735 Not like our dad. 424 00:19:20,736 --> 00:19:24,447 Be a stand-up guy, and that's all you need to be successful. 425 00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:28,868 Oh, yeah, and get a cool motorcycle." 426 00:19:28,869 --> 00:19:31,704 I did it. 427 00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,957 I did that. 428 00:19:33,958 --> 00:19:35,417 I even got the bike in the garage. 429 00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:38,753 And you never know when the NFL is gonna call. 430 00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:41,381 Hey, Smitty, I just realized... 431 00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:44,884 You didn't win. I did. 432 00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:47,303 I am a success in everything that matters. 433 00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:48,430 And I don't need your money. 434 00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:51,349 I'll figure it out. 435 00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:52,476 I always have. 436 00:19:55,521 --> 00:19:57,522 Took a lot of guts to do that. 437 00:19:57,523 --> 00:19:59,065 Yeah, well, that's who I am. 438 00:19:59,066 --> 00:20:02,068 Also, I cashed his check this morning. 439 00:20:02,069 --> 00:20:03,862 That was a $2 rebate from the cable company. 440 00:20:10,703 --> 00:20:14,290 You look really familiar. 441 00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:17,500 Excuse me? 442 00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:18,710 I know you, right? 443 00:20:18,711 --> 00:20:20,879 Oh. I'm the King of Chlorine. 444 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,298 You probably saw one of my late-night commercials. 445 00:20:23,299 --> 00:20:24,883 Oh! Oh, yeah! 446 00:20:24,884 --> 00:20:26,217 Those commercials kind of suck, 447 00:20:26,218 --> 00:20:28,345 and you're too old to be wearing a Speedo, dude. 448 00:20:31,056 --> 00:20:32,474 What the hell do you want, Smitty? 449 00:20:32,475 --> 00:20:33,558 Dan, I know I told you 450 00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:36,186 I wouldn't notice if I gave you $6,000, 451 00:20:36,187 --> 00:20:38,146 but I did notice when the bank cleared the check. 452 00:20:38,147 --> 00:20:39,522 Look, look, look. 453 00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:41,816 We could either stand here and fight about what you did 454 00:20:41,817 --> 00:20:44,486 or what I did, or you can come in here, 455 00:20:44,487 --> 00:20:48,865 say hello to the family you could've had. 456 00:20:48,866 --> 00:20:51,701 I-I-I'm not here for the money, Dan. 457 00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:54,287 I'm here to apologize. 458 00:20:54,288 --> 00:20:55,663 This may surprise you, 459 00:20:55,664 --> 00:20:58,374 but my rash behavior has cost me a lot of friends. 460 00:20:58,375 --> 00:20:59,751 It's the Speedo, dude. 461 00:20:59,752 --> 00:21:03,129 People are embarrassed to be seen with you. 462 00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:06,758 Oh, come on. Deep down, he's a good guy. 463 00:21:06,759 --> 00:21:09,511 Just nobody wants to dig that far. 464 00:21:09,512 --> 00:21:11,596 Now that I don't have to pay you back, 465 00:21:11,597 --> 00:21:12,764 you will always have a friend here. 466 00:21:13,974 --> 00:21:15,600 I-I'm sorry, I can't forgive you 467 00:21:15,601 --> 00:21:17,644 for what you did to my dad. 468 00:21:17,645 --> 00:21:20,063 However, if your hospital has an opening in mid-management, 469 00:21:20,064 --> 00:21:21,857 I can switch allegiances in a heartbeat. 470 00:21:23,734 --> 00:21:25,027 She really can. 471 00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,864 - - Captions by VITAC... 34951

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