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1
00:00:03,121 --> 00:00:06,582
Hey, Darlene! I need a hand.
2
00:00:06,583 --> 00:00:08,209
I gotta go to a memorial service
3
00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:10,294
for my high-school
English teacher on Sunday,
4
00:00:10,295 --> 00:00:12,046
and I don't know what to wear.
5
00:00:12,047 --> 00:00:15,716
Uh, black and shoes you
wouldn't go camping in.
6
00:00:15,717 --> 00:00:18,344
Oh, I know black.
7
00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,679
But I'm gonna see classmates
8
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,305
I haven't seen
for over 50 years.
9
00:00:21,306 --> 00:00:22,807
I don't want to look shabby
10
00:00:22,808 --> 00:00:26,519
'cause I'd at least like
them to ask how I'm doing.
11
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:29,897
Then I can say "poorly,"
and we can move on.
12
00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:31,023
Alright, fine.
13
00:00:31,024 --> 00:00:33,734
Uh, what about the suit
you married Louise in?
14
00:00:33,735 --> 00:00:36,779
I don't want to make it all sad.
15
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,157
It's in the happy
end of the closet.
16
00:00:40,158 --> 00:00:42,201
You have happy clothes
and sad clothes?
17
00:00:42,202 --> 00:00:43,786
Yeah.
18
00:00:43,787 --> 00:00:46,747
Like I got a happy daughter
and a sad daughter.
19
00:00:46,748 --> 00:00:48,791
And here's the happy one.
20
00:00:48,792 --> 00:00:51,003
Hi! It's a beautiful day.
21
00:00:53,171 --> 00:00:54,422
Let her help you.
22
00:00:54,423 --> 00:00:57,299
The sad one is busy
looking for work right now.
23
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:59,969
Uh, "Must be upbeat and
like working with people."
24
00:00:59,970 --> 00:01:00,970
Next.
25
00:01:04,141 --> 00:01:06,017
What are you guys
doing here, anyway?
26
00:01:06,018 --> 00:01:08,894
Didn't I build you a house?
27
00:01:08,895 --> 00:01:10,980
Well, Darlene is
using your Wi-Fi,
28
00:01:10,981 --> 00:01:12,648
and my mail still comes here
29
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:15,151
so I can tell the
credit card company,
30
00:01:15,152 --> 00:01:17,779
"I would've paid it, but it
didn't come to my new place."
31
00:01:19,239 --> 00:01:21,949
What's the clothes problem?
32
00:01:21,950 --> 00:01:23,492
I gotta go to a
funeral on Sunday,
33
00:01:23,493 --> 00:01:25,578
and I don't have
anything to wear.
34
00:01:25,579 --> 00:01:27,955
I got a sports coat,
but it's kinda loud.
35
00:01:27,956 --> 00:01:30,958
My English teacher would've
said it's "gauche."
36
00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,085
She just made up
words like that.
37
00:01:33,086 --> 00:01:35,004
She was so cool.
38
00:01:35,005 --> 00:01:37,715
Here's something for
you from the bank.
39
00:01:37,716 --> 00:01:39,426
It says "time sensitive."
40
00:01:44,181 --> 00:01:45,681
Damn it. What?
41
00:01:45,682 --> 00:01:47,641
My variable mortgage
rate blew up,
42
00:01:47,642 --> 00:01:49,935
and I owe 6 grand I don't have.
43
00:01:49,936 --> 00:01:52,021
Oh, my God. How soon
do they want it?
44
00:01:52,022 --> 00:01:53,272
They want it now.
45
00:01:54,483 --> 00:01:57,193
Can
somebody get that?
46
00:01:57,194 --> 00:01:59,904
Sorry. Delivery Girl Darlene's
47
00:01:59,905 --> 00:02:01,530
gotta finish this
job application
48
00:02:01,531 --> 00:02:05,618
before she drops off
some Italian food.
49
00:02:05,619 --> 00:02:07,119
Damn it! I just
wrote "chicken parm"
50
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,622
under "special skills."
51
00:02:10,791 --> 00:02:13,000
Oh, my stars and
garters! Smitty!
52
00:02:13,001 --> 00:02:14,335
Hello, Dan!
53
00:02:14,336 --> 00:02:16,837
Good to see you, brother.
54
00:02:16,838 --> 00:02:18,422
Girls, this is Smitty.
55
00:02:18,423 --> 00:02:19,924
I told you about him.
56
00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:21,592
He's a buddy of
me and your mom's
57
00:02:21,593 --> 00:02:24,136
who made a killing in
the pool supply business.
58
00:02:24,137 --> 00:02:26,722
Honestly, I didn't think
you'd show up for the funeral.
59
00:02:26,723 --> 00:02:29,392
Why hang out with us regular
folks after you made it big?
60
00:02:29,393 --> 00:02:32,478
'Cause showing the regular
folks how you made it big
61
00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:34,481
is the whole point
of making it big.
62
00:02:35,899 --> 00:02:38,359
Money doesn't bring
you happiness, Dan.
63
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,569
But it makes other people
feel badly about themselves,
64
00:02:40,570 --> 00:02:41,570
and that makes you happy.
65
00:02:43,156 --> 00:02:44,907
Well, mission
accomplished.
66
00:02:44,908 --> 00:02:49,161
I had to be in Chicago anyway.
I bought a hospital here.
67
00:02:49,162 --> 00:02:51,956
Hey, would any of you
folks get a triple bypass
68
00:02:51,957 --> 00:02:54,084
at a place called
Smitty General?
69
00:02:55,419 --> 00:02:57,628
Yes, I'd like one.
70
00:02:57,629 --> 00:02:59,505
Hi. I'm Becky. Hi.
71
00:02:59,506 --> 00:03:01,799
Uh, I'm always looking
for a good place
72
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:05,052
to have a mental breakdown,
if you offer those services.
73
00:03:05,053 --> 00:03:05,929
I'm Darlene.
74
00:03:05,930 --> 00:03:08,889
Hi. You're Rosie's kids.
75
00:03:08,890 --> 00:03:10,057
I'm sorry about your mom.
76
00:03:10,058 --> 00:03:12,184
She was a one-of-a-kind.
77
00:03:12,185 --> 00:03:15,272
I don't know if you know this,
but I was almost your dad.
78
00:03:16,606 --> 00:03:17,732
You still can be.
79
00:03:20,861 --> 00:03:23,070
We both had a
thing for your mom.
80
00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:25,406
And she chose Dan.
81
00:03:25,407 --> 00:03:26,366
Can't blame her.
82
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:27,825
Hell of a guy.
83
00:03:27,826 --> 00:03:29,034
Anyway, I just dropped by
84
00:03:29,035 --> 00:03:31,412
'cause I'm giving everyone
in our gang a little gift
85
00:03:31,413 --> 00:03:33,289
before we get together
at The Lobo tonight.
86
00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:34,290
Oh.
87
00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:40,212
"In Loving Memory
of Mrs. Willens.
88
00:03:40,213 --> 00:03:46,218
She always said I was going to
be someone special, and I am."
89
00:03:46,219 --> 00:03:47,469
Smitty Cusamano.
90
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,015
Well, that's quite
a tribute to her.
91
00:03:51,016 --> 00:03:54,268
No, it's... it's for me,
because I did so well.
92
00:03:54,269 --> 00:03:56,605
I... Well, I think it's fun.
93
00:03:57,898 --> 00:04:01,275
I'll see you later on tonight
at The Lobo, Danny boy.
94
00:04:01,276 --> 00:04:04,945
And, um, we're gonna have
a free breakfast program
95
00:04:04,946 --> 00:04:07,114
at the hospital for
underserved communities.
96
00:04:07,115 --> 00:04:08,407
You should come by.
97
00:04:08,408 --> 00:04:10,952
Some eggs and a sausage'll
bring that color right back.
98
00:04:35,435 --> 00:04:36,644
"The Conners" is recorded
99
00:04:36,645 --> 00:04:38,312
in front of a live
studio audience.
100
00:04:39,190 --> 00:04:41,482
Your attention, please.
101
00:04:41,483 --> 00:04:45,653
Next up on the catwalk, in this
season's hottest winter look,
102
00:04:45,654 --> 00:04:48,448
direct from Milan...
O's Pizza...
103
00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:52,327
Lanford's own Beverly Rose!
104
00:04:59,251 --> 00:05:03,128
Oh, wow! Look at you.
105
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:06,382
Pretty fierce, the way
you're rocking those Fuggs.
106
00:05:06,383 --> 00:05:07,550
They're real Uggs.
107
00:05:07,551 --> 00:05:09,760
Wow. Those aren't cheap.
108
00:05:09,761 --> 00:05:12,054
Don't worry. They're
gonna get plenty of use.
109
00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:14,808
When she outgrows them,
your mom can wear them.
110
00:05:16,101 --> 00:05:17,685
Ooh, burn on me.
111
00:05:17,686 --> 00:05:19,896
I don't have your
big, fat yeti feet.
112
00:05:21,398 --> 00:05:23,775
Go put your new shoes
by the door, sweet pea.
113
00:05:26,111 --> 00:05:27,945
Celebrate with me?
114
00:05:27,946 --> 00:05:30,114
I finally figured out
what I'm going to do
115
00:05:30,115 --> 00:05:31,866
with my psychology degree.
116
00:05:32,617 --> 00:05:33,867
I talked to my advisor,
117
00:05:33,868 --> 00:05:36,370
and I'm going to be an
addiction counselor.
118
00:05:36,371 --> 00:05:39,456
Is this your way of telling
me that I get high too much?
119
00:05:39,457 --> 00:05:40,499
Because I just took a gummy,
120
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,501
and I'm getting a
little paranoid.
121
00:05:42,502 --> 00:05:44,587
No, it's about how good I feel
122
00:05:44,588 --> 00:05:47,840
helping people I've sponsored
turn their lives around.
123
00:05:47,841 --> 00:05:50,301
Turns out all those years I
was getting blackout drunk,
124
00:05:50,302 --> 00:05:51,886
I was just doing research.
125
00:05:53,054 --> 00:05:56,890
The only downside is, I
gotta get my master's degree,
126
00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:58,684
which I can't afford to do
127
00:05:58,685 --> 00:06:00,603
unless I live with
Ben and your mom
128
00:06:00,604 --> 00:06:02,688
for two years longer
than we planned.
129
00:06:02,689 --> 00:06:04,481
Have you told them yet?
130
00:06:04,482 --> 00:06:06,692
No big deal. I'll just
move back in here.
131
00:06:06,693 --> 00:06:09,153
Nope. Louise turned the extra
bedroom into a music room,
132
00:06:09,154 --> 00:06:12,197
and Grandpa moved his
weed grow downstairs.
133
00:06:12,198 --> 00:06:14,700
Why? I thought he was
growing it in their closet.
134
00:06:14,701 --> 00:06:17,036
He was, but the pot made
Louise's clothes smell,
135
00:06:17,037 --> 00:06:18,997
and a drug dog took
her down in Walmart.
136
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,252
So, why was this
teacher so special?
137
00:06:25,253 --> 00:06:26,670
She passed all the jocks
138
00:06:26,671 --> 00:06:29,548
so we wouldn't get
kicked off our teams.
139
00:06:29,549 --> 00:06:30,883
At my graduation, she said,
140
00:06:30,884 --> 00:06:33,010
"Some of you have
bright futures.
141
00:06:33,011 --> 00:06:34,470
Some of you don't
know your butts
142
00:06:34,471 --> 00:06:36,805
from a hole in the ground...
143
00:06:36,806 --> 00:06:38,390
Dan."
144
00:06:38,391 --> 00:06:41,018
Nice shout-out.
145
00:06:41,019 --> 00:06:43,729
So, this is what a
room full of jocks
146
00:06:43,730 --> 00:06:46,523
looks like 50 years later, huh?
147
00:06:46,524 --> 00:06:49,276
Hey, I resemble that remark.
148
00:06:49,277 --> 00:06:51,528
So, I was never an
athlete, but Mrs. Willens,
149
00:06:51,529 --> 00:06:53,947
she showed the same grade
respect to the color guard.
150
00:06:53,948 --> 00:06:57,451
She used to love to
watch me twirl my guns.
151
00:06:57,452 --> 00:06:59,953
You got a lot of action
twirling those guns. Yeah.
152
00:06:59,954 --> 00:07:01,914
That's when my brother
fell in love with you.
153
00:07:01,915 --> 00:07:05,501
Oh, yeah, everybody
loves the rifle girl.
154
00:07:05,502 --> 00:07:08,045
Odd thing is, though,
nobody remembers me.
155
00:07:08,046 --> 00:07:10,255
But I look basically the same,
156
00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:13,467
so, uh, I guess that's
what's throwing people off.
157
00:07:13,468 --> 00:07:15,928
Louise Goldufsky?
158
00:07:15,929 --> 00:07:17,596
Oh.
159
00:07:17,597 --> 00:07:20,557
And Jackie Harris.
160
00:07:20,558 --> 00:07:22,559
Okay.
161
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,812
So good to see you again. Yes.
162
00:07:24,813 --> 00:07:26,355
Hey, Smitty, come
join us at our table.
163
00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:27,564
I'll go get some drinks.
164
00:07:27,565 --> 00:07:28,690
How you doing, Smitty?
165
00:07:28,691 --> 00:07:30,484
How's he doing?
166
00:07:30,485 --> 00:07:33,779
How's he d... This guy went
from blowing the whistle
167
00:07:33,780 --> 00:07:36,615
at swim meets to being the
biggest name in pool supply.
168
00:07:36,616 --> 00:07:38,283
That's how he's doing.
169
00:07:38,284 --> 00:07:40,953
Hey, you remember how I used
to watch you start the races?
170
00:07:40,954 --> 00:07:42,746
I'll say yes if we can move on.
171
00:07:42,747 --> 00:07:45,666
Yeah. Movin' on.
172
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:47,919
Maybe if you watch me walking
away, you'll remember.
173
00:07:52,924 --> 00:07:56,802
So... I heard you
and Dan got hitched.
174
00:07:56,803 --> 00:07:58,887
Although I wouldn't
know it from the ring,
175
00:07:58,888 --> 00:08:00,806
'cause you can
barely see the stone.
176
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:03,684
Oh, hello! Peekaboo.
177
00:08:03,685 --> 00:08:07,438
You know, Smitty, um, we're
all really happy for you,
178
00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:10,899
but between us, could you
ease up on the money thing?
179
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:12,609
Dan's going through
a rough stretch.
180
00:08:12,610 --> 00:08:13,986
I'm sorry. What happened?
181
00:08:13,987 --> 00:08:14,987
Oh, you know.
182
00:08:14,988 --> 00:08:17,614
Bank loans, interest
rates going up.
183
00:08:17,615 --> 00:08:19,825
We got totally blindsided.
184
00:08:19,826 --> 00:08:22,035
You guys should watch the TV.
185
00:08:22,036 --> 00:08:23,370
It's full of information.
186
00:08:23,371 --> 00:08:25,205
Here you go.
187
00:08:25,206 --> 00:08:27,249
So, Dan... Milady.
188
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:29,001
How much ya need?
189
00:08:29,002 --> 00:08:31,628
Enough to make me feel pretty.
190
00:08:31,629 --> 00:08:34,089
No, I mean money. Smitty.
191
00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:36,800
Hey, if you're behind on your
mortgage, let me help you out.
192
00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:40,012
Oh, uh...
193
00:08:40,013 --> 00:08:41,847
I appreciate it,
man, but we're good.
194
00:08:41,848 --> 00:08:44,892
Oh, come on. I
wouldn't even miss it.
195
00:08:44,893 --> 00:08:47,311
That's the thing about making
your first million, Dan.
196
00:08:47,312 --> 00:08:49,688
After that, the others
aren't that hard.
197
00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:51,523
It's like hamsters.
198
00:08:51,524 --> 00:08:56,236
The money just climbs on top of
each other and makes more money.
199
00:08:56,237 --> 00:08:57,488
Well, let me put it this way...
200
00:08:57,489 --> 00:09:00,949
If you were a millionaire,
you'd do it for me, right?
201
00:09:00,950 --> 00:09:04,077
Well, I don't know.
202
00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:06,246
After I built the arcade
and a Buffalo Wild Wings
203
00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:08,791
in my basement, I
might poke my head up
204
00:09:08,792 --> 00:09:12,044
once a year to see
if anyone needs help.
205
00:09:12,045 --> 00:09:13,212
Come on, Dan.
206
00:09:13,213 --> 00:09:14,880
When other people need help,
207
00:09:14,881 --> 00:09:16,424
you're the first guy to offer.
208
00:09:19,052 --> 00:09:20,428
Six grand, and
I'll pay you back.
209
00:09:22,096 --> 00:09:24,807
You
saved my ass, bro.
210
00:09:24,808 --> 00:09:27,226
Happy to do it.
211
00:09:27,227 --> 00:09:29,102
Hey, everybody!
212
00:09:29,103 --> 00:09:33,732
A toast to all my pals
who are here this evening.
213
00:09:33,733 --> 00:09:35,901
And especially my friend Dan.
214
00:09:35,902 --> 00:09:38,278
I haven't seen this
guy for 50 years,
215
00:09:38,279 --> 00:09:41,365
and the first thing he does
is hit me up for six large.
216
00:09:41,366 --> 00:09:44,535
Can you believe the
stones on this guy?
217
00:09:44,536 --> 00:09:45,577
Huh?
218
00:09:45,578 --> 00:09:47,621
Well, cheers!
219
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:52,709
That was for Roseanne, jackass.
220
00:09:56,673 --> 00:09:58,507
What the hell, Smitty?
221
00:09:58,508 --> 00:10:01,134
You loaned me that money
just to humiliate me?
222
00:10:01,135 --> 00:10:02,886
I thought you were okay with
the whole Roseanne thing.
223
00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:04,596
I thought I was.
224
00:10:04,597 --> 00:10:06,974
Till I got here and
everybody started laughing,
225
00:10:06,975 --> 00:10:09,726
remembering how I took
Roseanne to homecoming
226
00:10:09,727 --> 00:10:10,769
and you went home with her.
227
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:12,938
That was 50 years ago!
228
00:10:12,939 --> 00:10:15,732
You humiliated me, man.
229
00:10:15,733 --> 00:10:17,150
Payback's a bitch.
230
00:10:17,151 --> 00:10:18,569
You know what's gonna be a bitch
231
00:10:18,570 --> 00:10:19,820
is putting your nose
back into place.
232
00:10:19,821 --> 00:10:21,154
Hey, Dan... Ah.
233
00:10:21,155 --> 00:10:24,283
Always the big, tough
jock, right, Dan?
234
00:10:24,284 --> 00:10:25,617
Folks, listen up.
235
00:10:25,618 --> 00:10:28,203
Anybody got a beef
with Conner here?
236
00:10:28,204 --> 00:10:30,581
'Cause I got two
grand for anybody
237
00:10:30,582 --> 00:10:32,125
who'll take my place in a fight.
238
00:10:34,294 --> 00:10:35,586
Hey, Danny.
239
00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:37,547
Bobo?
240
00:10:39,257 --> 00:10:42,384
What do you and your fat
wife think of my new hat?
241
00:10:50,602 --> 00:10:51,936
I'll fight him for free.
242
00:10:53,104 --> 00:10:56,315
I just offered you $2,000.
243
00:10:56,316 --> 00:10:59,860
This is why poor people
never get anywhere.
244
00:10:59,861 --> 00:11:01,737
Had my jaw wired shut
for three months.
245
00:11:01,738 --> 00:11:03,155
I don't need your money.
246
00:11:03,156 --> 00:11:04,907
I'm not gonna fight you.
247
00:11:04,908 --> 00:11:06,366
This is between me and Smitty.
248
00:11:06,367 --> 00:11:08,118
Well, then you're
gonna stand there
249
00:11:08,119 --> 00:11:10,120
while I punch you like
you sucker-punched me.
250
00:11:10,121 --> 00:11:12,706
Uh, Dan, you... You
cannot do any fighting.
251
00:11:12,707 --> 00:11:15,584
Oh, I never walked
away from one yet.
252
00:11:15,585 --> 00:11:16,835
Just hold this.
253
00:11:16,836 --> 00:11:18,587
With all the
anti-coagulants I got in me,
254
00:11:18,588 --> 00:11:20,255
I don't want to
bleed all over it.
255
00:11:20,256 --> 00:11:22,507
Whoa, Dan. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
256
00:11:22,508 --> 00:11:25,260
We're all here to
honor Mrs. Willens.
257
00:11:25,261 --> 00:11:27,220
This isn't how you do it.
258
00:11:27,221 --> 00:11:29,181
First off, I remember
your rap sheet
259
00:11:29,182 --> 00:11:31,516
from when I was a cop,
and you don't need this.
260
00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:33,478
No, ma'am, I don't.
261
00:11:35,063 --> 00:11:37,272
Louise, take Dan home
before something happens
262
00:11:37,273 --> 00:11:38,941
that everybody's gonna regret.
263
00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:41,735
Come on, Dan.
It's not worth it.
264
00:11:41,736 --> 00:11:44,112
You know what? Yeah,
I took Roseanne home!
265
00:11:44,113 --> 00:11:46,074
And we had 45 good
years together!
266
00:11:47,909 --> 00:11:50,494
Then I married this woman.
We're gonna have 45 more!
267
00:11:50,495 --> 00:11:52,913
God forbid.
268
00:11:56,584 --> 00:11:58,085
Hey, can we talk for a second?
269
00:11:58,086 --> 00:11:59,628
Sure.
270
00:11:59,629 --> 00:12:03,799
Uh, I know when we talked
about me moving in with you,
271
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,760
we decided on a couple years.
272
00:12:06,761 --> 00:12:09,763
I was wondering what
your definition is
273
00:12:09,764 --> 00:12:12,808
of "a couple years."
274
00:12:12,809 --> 00:12:17,396
Not one, not three.
275
00:12:17,397 --> 00:12:19,481
You're in college.
You got this, right?
276
00:12:21,526 --> 00:12:24,903
Look, I might have to live
with you and Ben longer.
277
00:12:24,904 --> 00:12:26,697
I want to be an
addiction counselor,
278
00:12:26,698 --> 00:12:29,157
which requires a master's,
279
00:12:29,158 --> 00:12:33,578
so I'm gonna have to live
with you for four years.
280
00:12:33,579 --> 00:12:36,749
It's just a couple,
but two of them.
281
00:12:38,793 --> 00:12:40,002
Wow.
282
00:12:40,003 --> 00:12:41,712
Four years.
283
00:12:41,713 --> 00:12:43,630
I mean, I was fine with two,
284
00:12:43,631 --> 00:12:46,341
but waiting to be alone with
Ben that long is asking a lot.
285
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:47,926
I know.
286
00:12:47,927 --> 00:12:49,511
But you were the one
who encouraged me
287
00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:52,681
to go back to school and...
And make the most of my life.
288
00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:55,434
Yeah, and I'm happy that you
found a direction in life,
289
00:12:55,435 --> 00:12:57,269
but I have to start mine, too.
290
00:12:57,270 --> 00:12:59,896
I mean, what if you need
two more years after that?
291
00:12:59,897 --> 00:13:01,523
And then two more years?
292
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:04,401
And then I'm stuck with
you for God knows how long?
293
00:13:04,402 --> 00:13:05,944
Right? I mean, that's what
we did to Mom and Dad,
294
00:13:05,945 --> 00:13:07,447
so I do know how it works.
295
00:13:10,241 --> 00:13:14,995
Do you think I like having
to ask you to stay longer?
296
00:13:14,996 --> 00:13:18,415
I hate that I got
so far off track,
297
00:13:18,416 --> 00:13:21,043
but now I finally know what
I want to do with my life,
298
00:13:21,044 --> 00:13:23,170
and it's the only
way I can do that.
299
00:13:23,171 --> 00:13:24,379
Well, I get it,
300
00:13:24,380 --> 00:13:28,800
but it's gotta be fair for
me and Ben, too, right?
301
00:13:28,801 --> 00:13:31,387
I'm sorry. Forget I asked.
302
00:13:38,061 --> 00:13:41,354
Look, look, I-I know you
don't want to talk about this,
303
00:13:41,355 --> 00:13:43,106
but I feel terrible.
304
00:13:43,107 --> 00:13:45,692
I never should've told that
guy our financial stuff.
305
00:13:45,693 --> 00:13:48,195
It's not your fault.
306
00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:49,613
Man, I should've just
ripped that check up
307
00:13:49,614 --> 00:13:50,781
and threw it in his face.
308
00:13:50,782 --> 00:13:52,365
I don't know.
309
00:13:52,366 --> 00:13:54,951
I would've lit it on fire and
shoved it down his throat.
310
00:13:54,952 --> 00:13:58,413
Now we're just quibbling
about differences in approach.
311
00:13:58,414 --> 00:13:59,539
It's not on you, Dan.
312
00:13:59,540 --> 00:14:01,124
The guy set you up.
313
00:14:01,125 --> 00:14:02,751
No.
314
00:14:02,752 --> 00:14:06,338
I set myself up by
needing the money.
315
00:14:06,339 --> 00:14:08,965
Maybe i... if I'd
have worked harder
316
00:14:08,966 --> 00:14:10,550
or done something
different with my life.
317
00:14:10,551 --> 00:14:11,802
Oh.
318
00:14:11,803 --> 00:14:13,720
Oh, come on, honey, no.
319
00:14:13,721 --> 00:14:15,305
Everybody feels like that.
320
00:14:15,306 --> 00:14:17,390
Not Smitty.
321
00:14:17,391 --> 00:14:22,270
No, we both came from the
same circumstance, and he won.
322
00:14:22,271 --> 00:14:24,816
He got everything he wanted
out of life, and I didn't.
323
00:14:26,150 --> 00:14:28,401
Yeah, we've already
dodged two fights tonight,
324
00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:30,071
so I'm not gonna
take that personally.
325
00:14:34,659 --> 00:14:36,326
Look, I love my family,
326
00:14:36,327 --> 00:14:38,703
but I do not want
them all at the house.
327
00:14:38,704 --> 00:14:40,288
I just want to be with you.
328
00:14:40,289 --> 00:14:42,207
I don't mind if they visit,
329
00:14:42,208 --> 00:14:44,292
but I look forward to
standing in the doorway
330
00:14:44,293 --> 00:14:46,670
and waving and saying,
"Take care. Drive safely,"
331
00:14:46,671 --> 00:14:49,965
and then triple-locking
that door.
332
00:14:49,966 --> 00:14:52,801
And Becky comments every
time I take a drink.
333
00:14:52,802 --> 00:14:53,802
Can you imagine
when she's studying
334
00:14:53,803 --> 00:14:55,136
to be an addiction counselor?
335
00:14:55,137 --> 00:14:57,055
Oh, yeah. It's
gonna be impossible.
336
00:14:57,056 --> 00:15:01,059
She'll be all like, uh,
"Ben, that beer will not heal
337
00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:04,479
the wounded child
inside of you."
338
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,231
No, but it'll knock
that little sucker out
339
00:15:06,232 --> 00:15:07,858
long enough for me
to get hammered.
340
00:15:10,736 --> 00:15:12,904
Hey, how about this?
341
00:15:12,905 --> 00:15:16,116
We save part of Becky's
rent... Don't tell her...
342
00:15:16,117 --> 00:15:18,493
And then, in two years,
we give it back to her
343
00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,078
so she can move out
when she planned?
344
00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:21,872
We can't do that.
I don't have a job.
345
00:15:21,873 --> 00:15:22,873
We need that money.
346
00:15:22,874 --> 00:15:24,291
Oh, you're gonna get a job.
347
00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:26,585
But in two years, will
you really be able
348
00:15:26,586 --> 00:15:28,837
to just toss her
out into the street?
349
00:15:28,838 --> 00:15:32,132
No, that's why
you're gonna do it.
350
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:34,301
And I'm gonna say, "Ben,
what are you doing?
351
00:15:34,302 --> 00:15:36,596
That's my sister,
and I love her."
352
00:15:38,556 --> 00:15:41,182
Or...
353
00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:43,643
We give it to her to save.
354
00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:46,479
No. She'll just blow
it buying Beverly Rose
355
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,567
a diamond tiara to go
with her brand-new Uggs.
356
00:15:51,193 --> 00:15:53,987
Alright. Maybe we
can keep it a secret,
357
00:15:53,988 --> 00:15:55,488
but we should say something
358
00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:58,450
so she's not worried
about it the whole time.
359
00:15:58,451 --> 00:16:01,620
Hey, Becky, come
down here for a sec!
360
00:16:01,621 --> 00:16:02,871
Okay. We'll keep
the money a secret?
361
00:16:02,872 --> 00:16:06,166
Yeah, now that I think
about it, I love the idea.
362
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:08,710
We hand her the cash,
we look super generous,
363
00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,339
she's indebted to us forever
for absolutely no reason.
364
00:16:16,052 --> 00:16:18,386
Listen, I am really
sorry about last night.
365
00:16:18,387 --> 00:16:20,639
It's okay. You were right.
366
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,516
It's my problem, and I have
two years to figure out
367
00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:26,019
where I'll be living.
368
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:29,065
I think things
are gonna be okay.
369
00:16:30,316 --> 00:16:31,608
I hope so.
370
00:16:31,609 --> 00:16:37,238
All I'm saying is,
one way or another,
371
00:16:37,239 --> 00:16:42,202
I know you will be fine.
372
00:16:42,203 --> 00:16:44,996
Look, I let you off the hook.
373
00:16:44,997 --> 00:16:47,791
You don't need to make
yourself feel better by saying
374
00:16:47,792 --> 00:16:49,793
I'm absolutely gonna be fine.
375
00:16:49,794 --> 00:16:52,379
No, I never said you were
absolutely gonna be fine.
376
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:55,966
I said I have a very,
very good feeling.
377
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:58,009
You don't know!
378
00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,136
I could end up in
a refrigerator box
379
00:17:00,137 --> 00:17:02,806
behind a dumpster, fighting
rats for French fries!
380
00:17:02,807 --> 00:17:04,015
No, I do know! I...
381
00:17:04,016 --> 00:17:05,850
Ben and I decided to
save some of the rent
382
00:17:05,851 --> 00:17:07,143
and give it back to
you so you can move out
383
00:17:07,144 --> 00:17:09,104
after two years.
384
00:17:09,105 --> 00:17:11,482
Really? Surprise.
385
00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:15,026
I think it's great that
you're gonna help people.
386
00:17:15,027 --> 00:17:17,320
Oh, thank you!
387
00:17:17,321 --> 00:17:20,365
And once I get a job, I
will pay back every penny!
388
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:21,533
Mm.
389
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:25,787
Here. Oh, thanks.
390
00:17:25,788 --> 00:17:28,582
Someone's on their second
beer of the afternoon.
391
00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:36,423
Thank you all for coming.
392
00:17:36,424 --> 00:17:38,675
Some of you may
remember an assignment
393
00:17:38,676 --> 00:17:40,552
that my wife gave you
where she asked you
394
00:17:40,553 --> 00:17:42,971
to write a letter to
your future selves.
395
00:17:42,972 --> 00:17:45,974
These were meant for
your 60th reunion,
396
00:17:45,975 --> 00:17:49,269
but the Lord rang the bell
and ended her school day,
397
00:17:49,270 --> 00:17:50,730
so please read them now.
398
00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:54,941
Wow.
399
00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,445
It's addressed to
"Mrs. Donny Osmond."
400
00:18:00,948 --> 00:18:03,616
"I know the Mormons
have accepted you,
401
00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:05,910
and right now, you're
probably recovering
402
00:18:05,911 --> 00:18:09,914
from your whirlwind tour
of Asia with the guys.
403
00:18:09,915 --> 00:18:13,960
All the people in school
who never noticed you
404
00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:15,712
are gonna regret it.
405
00:18:15,713 --> 00:18:18,923
Please remember the teenager
who promised herself that,
406
00:18:18,924 --> 00:18:22,886
no matter how rich she became...
407
00:18:22,887 --> 00:18:24,472
she'd never help her mother."
408
00:18:27,808 --> 00:18:30,685
That's touching.
409
00:18:30,686 --> 00:18:33,730
"Dear future self,
you had a rough year,
410
00:18:33,731 --> 00:18:36,066
but things are turning around.
411
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:38,693
You're now president of
the Junior Achievers Club,
412
00:18:38,694 --> 00:18:41,446
and once you get a girlfriend,
everything will be perfect.
413
00:18:41,447 --> 00:18:43,948
But don't go after
Louise Goldufsky.
414
00:18:43,949 --> 00:18:47,118
I think she's gonna end up
in the roller derby anyway
415
00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:48,579
and be out of your league."
416
00:18:50,873 --> 00:18:52,957
What? You looked like
a roller-derby queen.
417
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:55,669
Yeah, I kinda do.
418
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:04,427
Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all
freaked out about the future,
419
00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:07,680
but you're gonna play D-line
in the NFL, so don't sweat it.
420
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:10,725
It's easy for a Hall
of Famer to get a job.
421
00:19:10,726 --> 00:19:14,646
Just be good at what you do,
find a woman who loves you,
422
00:19:14,647 --> 00:19:18,566
and raise a family where you're
always there for your kids.
423
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,735
Not like our dad.
424
00:19:20,736 --> 00:19:24,447
Be a stand-up guy, and that's
all you need to be successful.
425
00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:28,868
Oh, yeah, and get
a cool motorcycle."
426
00:19:28,869 --> 00:19:31,704
I did it.
427
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,957
I did that.
428
00:19:33,958 --> 00:19:35,417
I even got the
bike in the garage.
429
00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:38,753
And you never know when
the NFL is gonna call.
430
00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:41,381
Hey, Smitty, I just realized...
431
00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:44,884
You didn't win. I did.
432
00:19:44,885 --> 00:19:47,303
I am a success in
everything that matters.
433
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:48,430
And I don't need your money.
434
00:19:49,765 --> 00:19:51,349
I'll figure it out.
435
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:52,476
I always have.
436
00:19:55,521 --> 00:19:57,522
Took a lot of guts to do that.
437
00:19:57,523 --> 00:19:59,065
Yeah, well, that's who I am.
438
00:19:59,066 --> 00:20:02,068
Also, I cashed his
check this morning.
439
00:20:02,069 --> 00:20:03,862
That was a $2 rebate
from the cable company.
440
00:20:10,703 --> 00:20:14,290
You look really familiar.
441
00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:17,500
Excuse me?
442
00:20:17,501 --> 00:20:18,710
I know you, right?
443
00:20:18,711 --> 00:20:20,879
Oh. I'm the King of Chlorine.
444
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,298
You probably saw one of
my late-night commercials.
445
00:20:23,299 --> 00:20:24,883
Oh! Oh, yeah!
446
00:20:24,884 --> 00:20:26,217
Those commercials kind of suck,
447
00:20:26,218 --> 00:20:28,345
and you're too old to be
wearing a Speedo, dude.
448
00:20:31,056 --> 00:20:32,474
What the hell do
you want, Smitty?
449
00:20:32,475 --> 00:20:33,558
Dan, I know I told you
450
00:20:33,559 --> 00:20:36,186
I wouldn't notice if
I gave you $6,000,
451
00:20:36,187 --> 00:20:38,146
but I did notice when the
bank cleared the check.
452
00:20:38,147 --> 00:20:39,522
Look, look, look.
453
00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:41,816
We could either stand here
and fight about what you did
454
00:20:41,817 --> 00:20:44,486
or what I did, or
you can come in here,
455
00:20:44,487 --> 00:20:48,865
say hello to the family
you could've had.
456
00:20:48,866 --> 00:20:51,701
I-I-I'm not here
for the money, Dan.
457
00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:54,287
I'm here to apologize.
458
00:20:54,288 --> 00:20:55,663
This may surprise you,
459
00:20:55,664 --> 00:20:58,374
but my rash behavior has
cost me a lot of friends.
460
00:20:58,375 --> 00:20:59,751
It's the Speedo, dude.
461
00:20:59,752 --> 00:21:03,129
People are embarrassed
to be seen with you.
462
00:21:03,130 --> 00:21:06,758
Oh, come on. Deep
down, he's a good guy.
463
00:21:06,759 --> 00:21:09,511
Just nobody wants
to dig that far.
464
00:21:09,512 --> 00:21:11,596
Now that I don't
have to pay you back,
465
00:21:11,597 --> 00:21:12,764
you will always
have a friend here.
466
00:21:13,974 --> 00:21:15,600
I-I'm sorry, I can't forgive you
467
00:21:15,601 --> 00:21:17,644
for what you did to my dad.
468
00:21:17,645 --> 00:21:20,063
However, if your hospital has
an opening in mid-management,
469
00:21:20,064 --> 00:21:21,857
I can switch allegiances
in a heartbeat.
470
00:21:23,734 --> 00:21:25,027
She really can.
471
00:21:26,570 --> 00:21:28,864
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