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1
00:00:03,675 --> 00:00:07,511
Oh, come on. How hard is it?
There's three letters left.
2
00:00:07,512 --> 00:00:09,389
"Walk in the pool".
3
00:00:11,975 --> 00:00:14,269
"Walk in the park"?
4
00:00:15,604 --> 00:00:17,188
The club we were playing at
5
00:00:17,189 --> 00:00:19,774
had bad electrical
and a-a leaky roof.
6
00:00:19,775 --> 00:00:21,234
Yeah.
7
00:00:21,235 --> 00:00:22,860
As soon as my bass
player started screaming,
8
00:00:22,861 --> 00:00:24,820
I thought he was
just rocking out.
9
00:00:24,821 --> 00:00:27,657
Turns out he was
being electrocuted.
10
00:00:27,658 --> 00:00:29,784
No. No, he's fine. He's fine.
11
00:00:29,785 --> 00:00:32,370
He kind of enjoyed it.
12
00:00:32,371 --> 00:00:35,081
Okay, Mom, I gotta go.
13
00:00:35,082 --> 00:00:36,749
Bye. Bye.
14
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:38,793
You had to be talking to my mom.
15
00:00:38,794 --> 00:00:40,670
Your mom is dead.
16
00:00:40,671 --> 00:00:43,297
Still more likely to
call you than your mom.
17
00:00:43,298 --> 00:00:46,384
Yeah, it's like
once every 10 years.
18
00:00:46,385 --> 00:00:48,344
But, you know, ever since
my brother Aaron died,
19
00:00:48,345 --> 00:00:49,762
she's been reaching out more.
20
00:00:49,763 --> 00:00:52,098
Wish I'd gone first.
21
00:00:52,099 --> 00:00:54,767
Then she'd be bugging him.
22
00:00:54,768 --> 00:00:57,603
I'm glad your tour brought you
home for a couple of nights.
23
00:00:57,604 --> 00:00:59,272
I've been missing you
the last three weeks.
24
00:00:59,273 --> 00:01:00,564
Yeah.
25
00:01:00,565 --> 00:01:02,817
I can't believe
it's only half over.
26
00:01:02,818 --> 00:01:06,320
And the next eight weeks are
all these clubs in the boonies.
27
00:01:06,321 --> 00:01:07,989
Wow.
28
00:01:07,990 --> 00:01:10,575
I've never heard you complain
about the road before.
29
00:01:10,576 --> 00:01:13,536
Usually, you come home all
jacked up from performing
30
00:01:13,537 --> 00:01:14,829
and try to have
your way with me.
31
00:01:16,248 --> 00:01:17,707
Where's that Louise?
32
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:21,294
She's burned out.
33
00:01:21,295 --> 00:01:23,629
You know, I still
love playing music,
34
00:01:23,630 --> 00:01:27,717
but being away from home
and driving all those miles,
35
00:01:27,718 --> 00:01:30,469
trying to get deadbeat
promoters to pay us...
36
00:01:30,470 --> 00:01:32,179
It's getting old.
37
00:01:32,180 --> 00:01:34,266
Doesn't sound like
any walk in the pool.
38
00:01:36,685 --> 00:01:37,978
It's a very common expression.
39
00:01:39,730 --> 00:01:41,480
Oh, God.
40
00:01:41,481 --> 00:01:44,108
I haven't seen you in
weeks, and I come in
41
00:01:44,109 --> 00:01:46,193
and the first thing
I do is complain.
42
00:01:46,194 --> 00:01:47,987
Hey, honey, you don't
have to apologize.
43
00:01:47,988 --> 00:01:49,613
You've been out there
busting your ass
44
00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:51,782
most of your adult life.
45
00:01:51,783 --> 00:01:53,492
Everybody hangs it
up at some point.
46
00:01:53,493 --> 00:01:55,328
Mm.
47
00:01:55,329 --> 00:01:57,372
Not Willie Nelson.
48
00:01:59,666 --> 00:02:02,960
Well, Willie doesn't
even know where he is.
49
00:02:02,961 --> 00:02:05,046
He thinks there's 3,000
people in his living room.
50
00:02:24,066 --> 00:02:27,360
Captions by VITAC...
51
00:02:27,361 --> 00:02:30,571
"The Conners" is recorded
before a live studio audience.
52
00:02:30,572 --> 00:02:32,531
Where'd you get all
these decorations?
53
00:02:32,532 --> 00:02:34,367
I stole them from Dad's house,
54
00:02:34,368 --> 00:02:36,008
'cause that's what
Christmas is all about.
55
00:02:37,371 --> 00:02:40,373
It's the season of giving,
even if you don't know you are.
56
00:02:40,374 --> 00:02:42,625
Well, next time you're at Dad's,
57
00:02:42,626 --> 00:02:45,378
steal something good for
Emilio's wedding this weekend.
58
00:02:45,379 --> 00:02:47,046
I haven't gotten him a gift yet.
59
00:02:47,047 --> 00:02:49,006
Oh, well, do you
think his new bride
60
00:02:49,007 --> 00:02:52,885
will like an old heating pad
or a chipped bowling ball?
61
00:02:52,886 --> 00:02:54,637
Look, since you're going,
62
00:02:54,638 --> 00:02:56,431
just put my name on
whatever crap you find.
63
00:02:57,974 --> 00:03:01,477
Oh, but wrap it nice. He's
the father of my child.
64
00:03:01,478 --> 00:03:03,813
Just you showing up
should be enough.
65
00:03:03,814 --> 00:03:05,314
You got him a green
card and a kid.
66
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:08,109
You're not gonna top
that with an air fryer.
67
00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:11,529
I'm sending Beverly
Rose to go without me.
68
00:03:11,530 --> 00:03:13,948
It's humiliating going to
your ex-husband's wedding
69
00:03:13,949 --> 00:03:15,408
without a date.
70
00:03:15,409 --> 00:03:18,119
If I did go, you know
that that bouquet
71
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,913
would hit me right in the
head and everyone would say,
72
00:03:20,914 --> 00:03:25,084
"Maybe she won't die
alone after all."
73
00:03:25,085 --> 00:03:27,920
I threw mine at you hoping
that they would say that,
74
00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:30,256
but all they said was,
75
00:03:30,257 --> 00:03:34,301
"The hot one should be
marrying Ben, not the sad one."
76
00:03:34,302 --> 00:03:36,512
People are still saying that.
77
00:03:36,513 --> 00:03:38,806
Beverly Rose, come on!
78
00:03:38,807 --> 00:03:40,182
Time to go to school!
79
00:03:43,145 --> 00:03:44,895
Why are you dressed like that?
80
00:03:44,896 --> 00:03:47,773
Woof! I'm a dog.
81
00:03:47,774 --> 00:03:51,152
And you're a cute one, but you
can't wear that to picture day.
82
00:03:51,153 --> 00:03:53,112
Woof!
83
00:03:53,113 --> 00:03:56,282
I'm serious, Beverly
Rose. You gotta go change.
84
00:03:56,283 --> 00:03:58,075
I'm
not Beverly Rose.
85
00:03:58,076 --> 00:03:59,327
I'm Pancake.
86
00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:03,414
Aww, that is such
a cute dog name.
87
00:04:03,415 --> 00:04:04,665
Good girl.
88
00:04:04,666 --> 00:04:06,959
Stop that!
89
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:10,296
Look, this is your first
school picture, sweetheart,
90
00:04:10,297 --> 00:04:11,839
and it's got to tell the world
91
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:15,050
that Mommy's doing a
great job raising you.
92
00:04:15,051 --> 00:04:16,970
Otherwise, there's
no point in it.
93
00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:21,223
I thought the point
is that Pancake
94
00:04:21,224 --> 00:04:22,933
will have an enduring memory
95
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:24,774
that she can show her
puppies when she's older.
96
00:04:26,021 --> 00:04:28,189
Beverly Rose, go change.
97
00:04:30,192 --> 00:04:32,985
Beverly Rose, we're
going to be late.
98
00:04:32,986 --> 00:04:35,404
Not her name.
99
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,656
Fine. Come on, Pancake.
100
00:04:37,657 --> 00:04:41,035
Let's go for a ride.
101
00:04:41,036 --> 00:04:43,287
Open the window so she
can stick her head out.
102
00:04:43,288 --> 00:04:45,290
They like to feel their
jowls flap in the wind.
103
00:04:47,250 --> 00:04:51,712
This was so nice. Thank you.
104
00:04:51,713 --> 00:04:54,298
That candle smells
really pretty.
105
00:04:54,299 --> 00:04:55,424
When did you get it?
106
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,718
It's my bathroom candle.
107
00:04:59,179 --> 00:05:02,223
Who the hell knocks on the
door at this time of night?
108
00:05:02,224 --> 00:05:04,642
If it's a burglar,
109
00:05:04,643 --> 00:05:06,603
stall him until I can
get renter's insurance.
110
00:05:08,063 --> 00:05:09,438
Oh, my God.
111
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:11,273
It's worse than a burglar.
112
00:05:11,274 --> 00:05:12,692
It's my mother.
113
00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:17,113
Surprise!
114
00:05:18,323 --> 00:05:20,574
Mom, what are you doing here?
115
00:05:20,575 --> 00:05:23,244
You sounded so down
about your career
116
00:05:23,245 --> 00:05:25,204
that I thought you
might just need
117
00:05:25,205 --> 00:05:28,958
a little bit of Mom's
famous Apple Brown Betty
118
00:05:28,959 --> 00:05:30,251
to cheer you up!
119
00:05:30,252 --> 00:05:33,463
Well,
okay. Uh, come on in.
120
00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:37,967
Dan, this is my mother, Doris.
121
00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:40,302
Uh, Mom, this is Dan.
122
00:05:40,303 --> 00:05:43,764
He's the guy I married at that
wedding you didn't come to.
123
00:05:43,765 --> 00:05:46,600
I wanted to, but your
father wouldn't let me.
124
00:05:46,601 --> 00:05:48,727
He said, "If we're gonna
drive all the way to Chicago,
125
00:05:48,728 --> 00:05:51,021
we're going to go see the Bean
126
00:05:51,022 --> 00:05:53,024
and not Louise shacking
up with some drywaller."
127
00:05:54,776 --> 00:05:56,027
Charmed, I'm sure.
128
00:05:57,696 --> 00:06:00,739
It really is nice to
finally meet you, Doris.
129
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:03,201
And Betty and I go way back.
130
00:06:04,369 --> 00:06:07,288
So, Mom, w-what...
What's going on?
131
00:06:07,289 --> 00:06:09,540
You didn't drive all
the way from Wisconsin
132
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,208
just to bring me dessert.
133
00:06:11,209 --> 00:06:14,003
Well, I can't just stop by?
134
00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:17,131
Uh, it's only a few hours away.
135
00:06:17,132 --> 00:06:19,258
I know my night vision is
not as good as it used to be,
136
00:06:19,259 --> 00:06:20,926
but I find if I
stay to the right
137
00:06:20,927 --> 00:06:24,346
of the oncoming
headlights, I'm fine.
138
00:06:24,347 --> 00:06:27,892
What about pedestrians
and bicycle riders?
139
00:06:27,893 --> 00:06:29,727
You feel any bump-bumps
on the way over?
140
00:06:29,728 --> 00:06:30,895
No.
141
00:06:30,896 --> 00:06:32,897
I could drive over
a marching band
142
00:06:32,898 --> 00:06:34,815
and not feel a thing in that RV.
143
00:06:34,816 --> 00:06:37,443
You and Daddy got an RV?
144
00:06:37,444 --> 00:06:40,112
I mean, you were having so
much trouble on the tour
145
00:06:40,113 --> 00:06:42,156
that I made him buy
it so that I could
146
00:06:42,157 --> 00:06:44,033
make your life a little
bit better on the road.
147
00:06:44,034 --> 00:06:46,744
You're giving me an
RV to drive on tour?
148
00:06:46,745 --> 00:06:48,120
No.
149
00:06:48,121 --> 00:06:49,538
I'm gonna keep you company.
150
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,957
I'm driving so you can relax.
151
00:06:51,958 --> 00:06:53,334
Oh. Oh.
152
00:06:53,335 --> 00:06:54,877
Nothing more soothing
than a blind woman
153
00:06:54,878 --> 00:06:58,088
trying to keep a small house
out of oncoming traffic.
154
00:06:58,089 --> 00:07:01,091
Yeah, so, uh, after
all this time,
155
00:07:01,092 --> 00:07:03,677
you and Daddy are finally
okay with my career?
156
00:07:03,678 --> 00:07:04,970
Well, I am.
157
00:07:04,971 --> 00:07:07,431
He's not. I don't care.
158
00:07:07,432 --> 00:07:09,975
After your brother died,
I did some soul-searching
159
00:07:09,976 --> 00:07:12,227
and I realized I should have
160
00:07:12,228 --> 00:07:15,356
stood up to your dad
and supported you.
161
00:07:15,357 --> 00:07:17,692
And if he didn't
like it, too bad.
162
00:07:18,777 --> 00:07:21,487
Just think, no
more crummy hotels,
163
00:07:21,488 --> 00:07:23,697
and you won't have to
worry about promoters.
164
00:07:23,698 --> 00:07:25,282
I'll make sure you get paid.
165
00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,409
That's a
sweet thought, Doris,
166
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:29,828
but some of those club
owners can be pretty rough.
167
00:07:29,829 --> 00:07:31,205
How are you gonna get
the money out of them?
168
00:07:31,206 --> 00:07:33,707
No problem.
169
00:07:33,708 --> 00:07:36,418
"Oh, somebody help me.
170
00:07:36,419 --> 00:07:38,754
Oh, this man won't
give me my money,
171
00:07:38,755 --> 00:07:41,256
and if I don't have
money for my medicine,
172
00:07:41,257 --> 00:07:44,218
they're going to
take my foot."
173
00:07:44,219 --> 00:07:46,679
Whoa. That was really good.
174
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,640
I really thought she
was gonna lose her foot.
175
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:52,476
You
know, this is crazy.
176
00:07:52,477 --> 00:07:55,854
Dan and I were just talking
about me getting off the road.
177
00:07:55,855 --> 00:07:57,523
Yeah, Louise is kind of over it.
178
00:07:57,524 --> 00:07:59,942
Unfortunate timing.
179
00:07:59,943 --> 00:08:01,860
Yeah, but if I could
just play and not hassle
180
00:08:01,861 --> 00:08:04,780
with all this other stuff, it
might go back to being fun.
181
00:08:04,781 --> 00:08:06,365
Y-You know what's super fun?
182
00:08:06,366 --> 00:08:10,494
Is caroling and Christmas
puppies and rum.
183
00:08:10,495 --> 00:08:12,695
I could get a candle that
just stays in the living room.
184
00:08:13,832 --> 00:08:15,499
You wanna see the RV?
185
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:16,959
Yeah, I do.
186
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,378
Honey, don't worry.
187
00:08:19,379 --> 00:08:22,048
I'll take a break from the road
and come home for Christmas.
188
00:08:23,717 --> 00:08:25,384
This is crazy.
189
00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,721
I got my mom back, Dan.
190
00:08:35,937 --> 00:08:38,021
Hi.
191
00:08:38,022 --> 00:08:39,815
Oh, hey, Jackie.
192
00:08:39,816 --> 00:08:41,525
Wow.
193
00:08:41,526 --> 00:08:43,235
Word of mouth really got
out about this place.
194
00:08:43,236 --> 00:08:46,405
Well, Lunch Box is
closed on Mondays
195
00:08:46,406 --> 00:08:48,115
and Neville's at
a vet conference.
196
00:08:48,116 --> 00:08:51,035
He's presenting a new tool
for expressing anal glands.
197
00:08:51,036 --> 00:08:55,289
So if you still use your fingers
now, you're just a weirdo.
198
00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,291
What are you doing here?
199
00:08:57,292 --> 00:08:59,334
I'm avoiding our mother-in-law.
200
00:08:59,335 --> 00:09:02,337
Oh, man. Oh, she must
be some piece of work,
201
00:09:02,338 --> 00:09:04,423
'cause Neville would
rather squeeze a dog's ass
202
00:09:04,424 --> 00:09:06,144
in Des Moines than be
here while she's here.
203
00:09:07,719 --> 00:09:09,470
All I know is Louise has
only talked to her mother
204
00:09:09,471 --> 00:09:11,513
like four times in three decades
205
00:09:11,514 --> 00:09:13,682
since they fought
about her music,
206
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:15,976
then out of the blue, the
woman shows up with an RV
207
00:09:15,977 --> 00:09:17,936
to go on tour with her.
208
00:09:17,937 --> 00:09:19,188
That's weird, right?
209
00:09:19,189 --> 00:09:21,023
Oh, yeah. Something
going on there.
210
00:09:21,024 --> 00:09:22,816
I don't know.
211
00:09:22,817 --> 00:09:24,860
I've seen you ever day for years
and you never get me anything.
212
00:09:24,861 --> 00:09:26,362
Some people would
say that's weird.
213
00:09:27,405 --> 00:09:29,491
There you go. Dry
your eyes with that.
214
00:09:30,950 --> 00:09:32,993
Where's Beverly Rose?
215
00:09:32,994 --> 00:09:35,579
I got her a flower girl
dress for the wedding.
216
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:36,997
Look how cute it is.
217
00:09:36,998 --> 00:09:38,415
Yeah, that's really sweet.
218
00:09:38,416 --> 00:09:39,666
I don't know if she's
gonna put it on.
219
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:41,335
She's still a dog.
220
00:09:41,336 --> 00:09:44,922
I think when she sees this, all
that dog nonsense will be over.
221
00:09:44,923 --> 00:09:47,674
Pancake! Come here, girl!
222
00:09:50,595 --> 00:09:52,304
Hey, sweetie.
223
00:09:52,305 --> 00:09:54,264
Look what I bought you to
wear to your dad's wedding.
224
00:09:54,265 --> 00:09:55,682
Isn't it gorgeous?
225
00:09:57,769 --> 00:09:59,020
You want to try it on?
226
00:10:03,233 --> 00:10:04,858
Beverly Rose, stop that!
227
00:10:04,859 --> 00:10:06,276
Pancake! Leave
it!
228
00:10:06,277 --> 00:10:07,277
Leave it!
229
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:11,320
Sorry, I'm just trying to
work with what I got here.
230
00:10:14,536 --> 00:10:17,371
You cannot be a dog at
your father's wedding.
231
00:10:17,372 --> 00:10:18,831
You're a little girl,
232
00:10:18,832 --> 00:10:20,916
and it's time for
you to act like that.
233
00:10:20,917 --> 00:10:22,836
It's enough now.
234
00:10:26,005 --> 00:10:28,006
Anybody want a kid?
235
00:10:28,007 --> 00:10:31,051
She's been doing this for days,
and the wedding's this weekend.
236
00:10:31,052 --> 00:10:32,386
I don't know what to do.
237
00:10:32,387 --> 00:10:34,680
Worst comes to worst,
she doesn't go.
238
00:10:34,681 --> 00:10:37,350
Tell people you left the
gate open and she got out.
239
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,519
Would you guys knock it off?
240
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,981
It's really upsetting when
you can't control your kid.
241
00:10:43,982 --> 00:10:45,983
She could have distemper.
Has she had her shots?
242
00:10:51,447 --> 00:10:53,740
Aw.
243
00:10:53,741 --> 00:10:55,492
I think we might have
crossed the line.
244
00:10:55,493 --> 00:10:56,869
Well, yeah.
245
00:10:56,870 --> 00:10:59,190
That's where all the fun is,
on the other side of the line.
246
00:11:03,001 --> 00:11:07,588
Boy, that is some beautiful
RV you got out there.
247
00:11:07,589 --> 00:11:10,549
That's a big investment
for eight weeks.
248
00:11:10,550 --> 00:11:13,218
You and Louise could go
for months in that thing.
249
00:11:13,219 --> 00:11:17,097
Mm-hmm. From your
mouth to God's ears.
250
00:11:17,098 --> 00:11:18,891
Every parent's dream.
251
00:11:18,892 --> 00:11:21,101
I hope you don't mind, but
I got the keys from Louise
252
00:11:21,102 --> 00:11:23,353
and went inside and took a look.
253
00:11:23,354 --> 00:11:25,147
I really like that
captain's chair.
254
00:11:25,148 --> 00:11:27,192
I felt like a white
trash Captain Picard.
255
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,904
I also found something
interesting in there.
256
00:11:31,905 --> 00:11:34,698
It's the registration
for the RV.
257
00:11:34,699 --> 00:11:36,867
You said you and your
husband bought it together,
258
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,702
but it's only got
your name on it.
259
00:11:38,703 --> 00:11:40,579
It's the 21st century.
260
00:11:40,580 --> 00:11:43,916
Women are allowed to
own things, Hagar.
261
00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:46,960
Yeah, but why did you put
it in your maiden name?
262
00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:48,795
Oh, God, tell me
what's on your mind.
263
00:11:48,796 --> 00:11:50,964
It couldn't take long.
264
00:11:50,965 --> 00:11:54,051
You're lying to Louise.
265
00:11:54,052 --> 00:11:56,720
You didn't come because you
wanted to support her music,
266
00:11:56,721 --> 00:11:59,431
and you never stood
up to your husband.
267
00:11:59,432 --> 00:12:01,267
You're here because
you killed him.
268
00:12:04,812 --> 00:12:06,063
I love cop shows.
269
00:12:06,064 --> 00:12:08,482
I just always
wanted to say that.
270
00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:10,943
Seriously, what the
hell's going on, Doris?
271
00:12:10,944 --> 00:12:14,029
Okay, if you have to know,
272
00:12:14,030 --> 00:12:18,116
my husband left me, and
it's none of your business.
273
00:12:18,117 --> 00:12:19,910
I know that you and
her dad splitting up
274
00:12:19,911 --> 00:12:21,787
is definitely Louise's business,
275
00:12:21,788 --> 00:12:23,538
and you got all
up in my business
276
00:12:23,539 --> 00:12:26,750
by trying to take my wife
away so you wouldn't be alone.
277
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:28,752
I'll admit it.
278
00:12:28,753 --> 00:12:30,754
I tried to make the
wrong relationship work
279
00:12:30,755 --> 00:12:33,757
and now I'm alone.
280
00:12:33,758 --> 00:12:37,010
You've had her for
a few years, Dan.
281
00:12:37,011 --> 00:12:39,096
I haven't had her for 30.
282
00:12:39,097 --> 00:12:41,556
Can't you spare a few?
283
00:12:41,557 --> 00:12:44,768
I get being alone.
I lost a spouse.
284
00:12:44,769 --> 00:12:47,646
But at my age, time is precious,
285
00:12:47,647 --> 00:12:50,607
and I want to spend all of
it that I can with Louise.
286
00:12:50,608 --> 00:12:52,485
At your age?
287
00:12:54,237 --> 00:12:56,113
Did you have your
third birthday party
288
00:12:56,114 --> 00:12:58,658
ruined by the
Hindenburg disaster?
289
00:13:00,493 --> 00:13:02,786
Did you ever try to get kids
to pin the tail on the donkey
290
00:13:02,787 --> 00:13:06,624
when some yo-yo on the radio is
yelling, "Oh, the humanity"?!
291
00:13:09,794 --> 00:13:12,879
Look, we both know
what's going on.
292
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,090
Do the right thing.
293
00:13:18,553 --> 00:13:20,095
Hey.
294
00:13:20,096 --> 00:13:21,555
If you have more jokes about
295
00:13:21,556 --> 00:13:23,640
what a terrible
mother/dog owner I am,
296
00:13:23,641 --> 00:13:24,850
save them.
297
00:13:24,851 --> 00:13:26,184
I know.
298
00:13:26,185 --> 00:13:28,312
Look, I just wanted
to let you know
299
00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,397
that every parent goes
through something like this.
300
00:13:30,398 --> 00:13:32,232
I mean, Mom went through almost
the same exact thing with me.
301
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:34,735
Remember when I kept
barking in fifth grade?
302
00:13:34,736 --> 00:13:36,028
Yeah, I remember.
303
00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:39,114
I kept asking people,
"Who's that weird only child
304
00:13:39,115 --> 00:13:43,160
that happens to share my
very common last name?"
305
00:13:43,161 --> 00:13:47,247
Well, I remember Mom asking
me why I was doing it
306
00:13:47,248 --> 00:13:50,792
and I said it was because I
was bored in class, but I lied.
307
00:13:50,793 --> 00:13:52,085
About what?
308
00:13:52,086 --> 00:13:55,297
Well, everybody had to get
up and give an oral report
309
00:13:55,298 --> 00:13:57,591
on what their family
did for summer vacation.
310
00:13:57,592 --> 00:14:01,428
Was that the year that
Dad put the plastic liner
311
00:14:01,429 --> 00:14:03,555
in the back of the pickup
and filled it with water?
312
00:14:03,556 --> 00:14:05,974
Yeah, and then he drove
it to the park and said,
313
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:07,726
"You kids enjoy the lake."
314
00:14:09,604 --> 00:14:11,313
So I pretended to be a dog
315
00:14:11,314 --> 00:14:13,648
to avoid having to get up
in front of my entire class
316
00:14:13,649 --> 00:14:16,359
to tell everybody that my family
spent their summer vacation
317
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,153
in the back of a truck.
318
00:14:18,154 --> 00:14:20,238
Okay.
319
00:14:20,239 --> 00:14:23,116
So what's Beverly Rose avoiding?
320
00:14:23,117 --> 00:14:24,493
I don't know. I
just had the story.
321
00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:27,829
A good mom would
figure that out.
322
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,831
Alright, it wasn't school,
323
00:14:29,832 --> 00:14:32,042
because she went and
took the picture.
324
00:14:32,043 --> 00:14:34,669
Mm-hmm. Um, she's never
had more playdates.
325
00:14:34,670 --> 00:14:37,798
The only thing that
she didn't like...
326
00:14:37,799 --> 00:14:40,509
was the flower girl dress.
327
00:14:40,510 --> 00:14:42,094
Holy crap.
328
00:14:42,095 --> 00:14:43,804
It's Emilio's wedding.
329
00:14:43,805 --> 00:14:45,430
Hmm.
330
00:14:45,431 --> 00:14:46,681
She doesn't want to
see her dad get married
331
00:14:46,682 --> 00:14:48,225
to someone other than her mommy.
332
00:14:48,226 --> 00:14:49,226
Oh, my God.
333
00:14:49,227 --> 00:14:51,978
It would kill Emilio
if she wasn't there.
334
00:14:51,979 --> 00:14:53,438
I got to talk to her.
335
00:14:53,439 --> 00:14:55,565
I gotta tell her it's
okay to have two mommies.
336
00:14:55,566 --> 00:14:57,609
One that loves her,
337
00:14:57,610 --> 00:15:00,196
and one that's Daddy's sad
little consolation prize.
338
00:15:02,448 --> 00:15:05,742
And that's when Louise
almost got on "Star Search".
339
00:15:07,245 --> 00:15:10,455
Wow, Doris, we have really
taken a stroll down memory lane.
340
00:15:10,456 --> 00:15:13,667
But I would love
to hear that story
341
00:15:13,668 --> 00:15:16,294
you started telling me earlier.
342
00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:18,338
Oh, that old thing?
343
00:15:18,339 --> 00:15:21,049
I-I don't think anyone's
really interested in that.
344
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,384
Uh, I am.
345
00:15:22,385 --> 00:15:23,718
I could tell it,
346
00:15:23,719 --> 00:15:26,097
but I don't think I could
do it as good as you.
347
00:15:27,849 --> 00:15:31,434
Well, now that you've
built it all up,
348
00:15:31,435 --> 00:15:34,188
I don't think it could possibly
measure up to that hype.
349
00:15:35,773 --> 00:15:37,941
Okay, um...
350
00:15:37,942 --> 00:15:39,943
your father left me.
351
00:15:39,944 --> 00:15:41,570
You know, Elvis
bought me a Coke once.
352
00:15:41,571 --> 00:15:43,280
W-W-Wait.
353
00:15:43,281 --> 00:15:44,866
Mom, what are you talking about?
354
00:15:46,450 --> 00:15:49,745
Dad left me for a woman
with both her original hips.
355
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:54,083
She also does Pilates,
which is kinda slutty.
356
00:15:56,711 --> 00:15:59,296
Well, w-when did this happen?
357
00:15:59,297 --> 00:16:01,048
Last year.
358
00:16:02,550 --> 00:16:05,594
Yeah, but we've been talking
on the phone, and you...
359
00:16:05,595 --> 00:16:08,555
You've been here for two
days and you've said nothing.
360
00:16:08,556 --> 00:16:12,100
I-I was going to tell you
when we were out on the road.
361
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:15,854
You mean in the RV
you used to trick me
362
00:16:15,855 --> 00:16:18,982
into thinking you were
supporting my music career?
363
00:16:18,983 --> 00:16:21,651
I do support your career.
364
00:16:21,652 --> 00:16:24,988
And now that Dad's gone, I've
got the time to show you.
365
00:16:24,989 --> 00:16:26,323
No.
366
00:16:26,324 --> 00:16:27,782
This isn't about me.
367
00:16:27,783 --> 00:16:29,284
It's about you.
368
00:16:29,285 --> 00:16:31,953
And now that Dad's
gone, you're lonely.
369
00:16:31,954 --> 00:16:33,623
That's the only
reason you're here.
370
00:16:39,003 --> 00:16:41,671
Look, I know I
handled this badly,
371
00:16:41,672 --> 00:16:43,423
but I believe that you and I...
372
00:16:43,424 --> 00:16:46,676
You and I are nothing,
just like we always were.
373
00:16:46,677 --> 00:16:48,720
Okay, why don't
we take a breath?
374
00:16:48,721 --> 00:16:51,640
I made a mistake.
375
00:16:51,641 --> 00:16:53,934
Can't we move past it?
376
00:16:53,935 --> 00:16:57,687
A mistake is, "Oops, I
spilled something on the rug,"
377
00:16:57,688 --> 00:17:00,440
not "I'm disowning my
18-year-old daughter
378
00:17:00,441 --> 00:17:02,567
for wanting to play
rock 'n' roll."
379
00:17:02,568 --> 00:17:05,320
Here, let me return the favor.
380
00:17:05,321 --> 00:17:07,656
Pack your stuff and get out.
381
00:17:07,657 --> 00:17:09,366
Honey, I know you're upset,
382
00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:11,826
but do you really want
to throw your mom out?
383
00:17:11,827 --> 00:17:14,162
What, now you're
taking her side?
384
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,206
No, I'm remembering
how excited you were
385
00:17:16,207 --> 00:17:17,999
when you thought
you had her back.
386
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,460
You only get one mom.
387
00:17:20,461 --> 00:17:22,964
I regret to inform
you that that's her.
388
00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:26,549
Wow, Dan.
389
00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:28,260
I'm speechless.
390
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:31,137
Maybe you go on tour together
for a few months and...
391
00:17:31,138 --> 00:17:32,974
And work everything out.
392
00:17:37,895 --> 00:17:40,105
Y-You know what makes
your wife happy?
393
00:17:40,106 --> 00:17:42,066
Keep it G-rated. Your
mom's right there.
394
00:17:43,401 --> 00:17:45,318
You.
395
00:17:45,319 --> 00:17:49,614
And I want to spend as much
time as I can with you.
396
00:17:49,615 --> 00:17:53,076
But... you're right.
397
00:17:53,077 --> 00:17:56,037
I'm gonna finish the tour.
398
00:17:56,038 --> 00:17:59,416
But then it's you
and me forever.
399
00:17:59,417 --> 00:18:01,752
Oh, back off.
You're so clingy.
400
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:05,297
And if you wanna drive me around
401
00:18:05,298 --> 00:18:08,300
and cook for me on tour, fine.
402
00:18:08,301 --> 00:18:10,802
But you're gonna have
to carry my amps, too.
403
00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:12,680
Sure.
404
00:18:18,477 --> 00:18:19,853
If you're good, I'm good.
405
00:18:19,854 --> 00:18:21,438
I'm good. Yeah.
406
00:18:21,439 --> 00:18:23,189
Maybe when you come
back for Christmas,
407
00:18:23,190 --> 00:18:24,733
you could stay at the house.
408
00:18:24,734 --> 00:18:26,443
It's usually a lot more festive,
409
00:18:26,444 --> 00:18:29,362
but my daughter stole
all of my decorations,
410
00:18:29,363 --> 00:18:32,115
which is weird, because
she's an atheist.
411
00:18:32,116 --> 00:18:34,076
They don't want
anybody to be happy.
412
00:18:42,209 --> 00:18:44,836
Oh, uh, I thought
you were at work.
413
00:18:44,837 --> 00:18:48,840
Ah, Darlene, this is
Doris, Louise's mother.
414
00:18:48,841 --> 00:18:50,383
Hi. Hi.
415
00:18:50,384 --> 00:18:52,344
What's in the box?
416
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,971
I brought you some
Christmas decorations.
417
00:18:54,972 --> 00:18:58,308
Have you no shame, Senator?
418
00:18:58,309 --> 00:19:00,143
Nah, not much.
419
00:19:00,144 --> 00:19:01,645
That's the beauty
of being an atheist.
420
00:19:01,646 --> 00:19:03,521
I don't have to follow
your commandments.
421
00:19:03,522 --> 00:19:06,150
I can lie, I can steal, I can
covet till the cows come home.
422
00:19:11,405 --> 00:19:13,157
Merry Christmas and goodbye.
423
00:19:16,202 --> 00:19:19,204
I think I know why you're a dog.
424
00:19:19,205 --> 00:19:20,455
You do?
425
00:19:20,456 --> 00:19:22,290
Yeah.
426
00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:25,753
A dog can't wear a dress
and go to a wedding.
427
00:19:27,672 --> 00:19:30,465
Are you upset about
Daddy getting married?
428
00:19:30,466 --> 00:19:32,258
Kind of.
429
00:19:32,259 --> 00:19:35,470
Are you afraid that Gabriela
is gonna replace Mommy?
430
00:19:35,471 --> 00:19:37,555
No.
431
00:19:37,556 --> 00:19:40,183
Are you sure?
432
00:19:40,184 --> 00:19:42,352
Because Mommy had a
big speech planned
433
00:19:42,353 --> 00:19:44,105
about how no one
can replace Mommy.
434
00:19:45,690 --> 00:19:47,191
It's a great speech.
435
00:19:48,567 --> 00:19:50,777
No.
436
00:19:50,778 --> 00:19:52,946
Then why don't you want
to go to the wedding?
437
00:19:52,947 --> 00:19:56,199
Because I heard you say you didn't
want to go to Daddy's wedding
438
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,909
because it would make you sad.
439
00:19:57,910 --> 00:20:01,121
Oh, sweetie.
440
00:20:01,122 --> 00:20:03,540
I didn't say that.
441
00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:07,043
I didn't want to go because
I don't have a date.
442
00:20:07,044 --> 00:20:10,964
But the most important thing is,
443
00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:13,800
Daddy wants you to be
there on his special day.
444
00:20:13,801 --> 00:20:15,552
I'm not going unless you go.
445
00:20:16,971 --> 00:20:19,348
This is why people take
dogs back to the shelter.
446
00:20:21,934 --> 00:20:23,560
I'll go.
447
00:20:23,561 --> 00:20:27,355
But you know what I want
you to whisper really loudly
448
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:30,233
when Gabriela walks
down the aisle?
449
00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:32,694
"You're so much
prettier than her"?
450
00:20:32,695 --> 00:20:36,073
I am raising you right!
451
00:20:39,952 --> 00:20:41,703
Welcome to The Lunch Box.
452
00:20:41,704 --> 00:20:43,329
We're having a special
today for the holidays.
453
00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:45,999
It's a sandwich that we
call the Ho-Ho-Hoagie.
454
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,084
Jackie?
455
00:20:48,085 --> 00:20:49,502
Yeah.
456
00:20:49,503 --> 00:20:52,380
I'm Doris. I'm Neville
and Louise's mom.
457
00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:54,007
Oh. Okay.
458
00:20:54,008 --> 00:20:56,468
Well, it's nice to meet you.
459
00:20:56,469 --> 00:20:58,219
I don't know whether
Dan told you,
460
00:20:58,220 --> 00:21:00,472
but I'm going on
tour with Louise,
461
00:21:00,473 --> 00:21:03,850
and I thought when I'm done,
Neville might be interested
462
00:21:03,851 --> 00:21:06,561
in going on a road trip to
see all the zoos in America.
463
00:21:06,562 --> 00:21:07,979
Mm-hmm.
464
00:21:07,980 --> 00:21:09,814
Um...
465
00:21:09,815 --> 00:21:12,275
Don't you dare try and pull
that crap with me, honey,
466
00:21:12,276 --> 00:21:14,569
'cause I have danced with the
devil in the pale moonlight.
467
00:21:14,570 --> 00:21:17,114
You mess with my
marriage, I end you.
468
00:21:18,741 --> 00:21:21,159
So, uh...
469
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,120
you want me to call
you "Mom" or what?
34474
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