Original subtitles

♪

[device beeping]

You know what, step-bro?

Breakfast is without a doubt one of my top three favorite meals.

How many meals are you eating these days?

The normal six: breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner,

and a sensible snack before bed.

Oh, Dad and I's flight is at 2:00.

We get back on Friday.

If you need anything, Miss West is right across the way.

I think we'll chill here where the smell

of weird old lady and cat piddle is at a bare minimum.

Mom, relax, it's just five days.

What's the worse that could happen?

♪

[donkey brays]

♪

I'm so stoked for Homecoming, dude.

Pick a date yet?

Yeah, Mary Ann.

Mary Ann Gutt doesn't seem like your type.

She's not.

I'm taking Mary and Ann.

The Valdez sisters?

So, who's your lucky lady?

I'm gonna pass on Homecoming.

Dude, it's the best party of the year.

The dancing, the snacks.

The fancy clothes that make hot girls look hotter?

There's no way I can find a date within a week.

You're gonna miss me taking my rightful place

on top of the throne as king!

You do know it's an honorary title, right?

You're not an actual king.

That's not how it was explained to me.

Whatever you say, your majesty.

[school bell ringing]

Okay, next up, Chip Caldwell.

What's the worst thing about cell phones?

They don't float in toilets.

Ew... no.

They constantly need charging.

That is, until I invented this.

A battery based on the Brennan-Manley Theory

of non-linear energy.

The theory states that time shifts.

These shifts cause an electromagnetic field.

My battery collects the energy

and allows this phone to hold a charge for an entire month.

Questions.

Does this invention actually work?

Theoretically.

[chuckling]

Like how your noiseless blender theoretically worked,

but ended up blowing a giant crater in Home Ec?

[class laughs]

Chip, thank you.

Okay, Chris Pearson.

We are going to watch a movie today!

[all] Yeah!

It's a documentary.

[disappointed] Ohh...

♪

Howdy, partners!

Welcome to Vista de Nada.

I reckon you're wondering how such a small village

eventually became the thriving metropolis it is today.

It was because of one great man...

Doc Duvalier.

In 1885, Mayor Duvalier...

Just ask her to Homecoming, already.

Who?Lisa Waters.

She gave you her number the other day?

Shh, keep your voice down.

[snoring]She might hear you.

This is my whisper voice.

Your whisper voice is at the same level as your normal voice.

Hey!

Watch the film.

You might learn something.

No offense, Mrs. Cole,

but I feel like this movie's like algebra or spelling.

I highly doubt it will ever come in handy.

What is it, Lisa?

This might be a good time to point out

that this film is just further perpetuating

the revisionist history myth

that Doc Duvalier was a good man,

when, in fact, he was a tyrant

who had designs on taking over the entire region.

While we all enjoy your conspiracy theories, Lisa,

watch the movie.

...advance Continental Railroad to our fine...

Pretty and pretty nerdy.

Just your type.

...Vista de Nada to a town of the future.

The citizens were mighty grateful to Doc Duvalier

because if it wasn't for his brilliant mind and charm,

well, the town might've ceased to exist.

[school bell rings]

Done, you're asking her to Homecoming.

She doesn't wanna go with me.

Well, it's a shame there wasn't some way we could know for sure.

Oh, wait!

I'll never forgive you for this.

What does it say?

She said yes, dude!

Ha-ha!

Oh, sorry about that, bro.

Ah, it's okay, 'cause I'm going to Homecoming with Lisa Waters.

Ha-ha!

Wait, let me text her again.

No!

[bird shrieks]

Did we take a wrong turn or something?

Where are we?

I don't like the look of those dudes.

Hold up, Mitch.

[bird shrieks]

Weird rock?

You ever seen a rectangle rock, you idiot?

I know what this is.

It's my new belt buckle.

My phone.

I still have a year left on the contract.

We have to get it back.

What's up, dudes?

I really dig your outfits.

I hear black's the new black.

What do you want, boy?

Your new belt buckle.

It's my brother's.

Then by all means.

Take it.

Looks like this idiot tripped.

Fallen for my new belt buckle!

[laughing]

Get it?

I don't get it.

The guy fell for my buckle,

but he also fell to the ground.

It works on many levels.

[laughing]

No, no, I still don't get it.

Forget it.

Let's ride.

Those guys were jerks, huh?

Those jerks were legit yippee ki-yay cowboys, Dave.

The stitching on their saddles

was done by hand, not by machine.

That's not how they do it in 2016.

So?

So, according to the Brennan-Manley Theory,

time travel is possible if a device could somehow distribute

enough dominant energy across the time spectrum.

I think I accidentally invented a time machine.

You got ninth place for inventing a time machine?

[laughs]

I'd love to see what got first.

This is serious, Dave.

If I'm correct, it means we're lost.

Lost in the mid- to late-1800s.

[bird shrieks]

♪

Hold up, hold up.

Cactus branches contain water,

and I'm so thirsty, I could drink a horse.

[moaning]

I'm pretty sure it's "eat a horse".

That's gross, dude.

[girl laughing]

You drink out of that cactus and all you'll get

is a mouthful of needles.

Oh!

This here's Jimmy the Kid.

I told you not to call me that.

My name's James.

Whatever, Kid.

And I'm Texas Jane.

We're a bit lost.

We could actually use some help getting into town.

Guess we could give you a little help.

Vista de Nada?

So, we're home?

Yeah, unfortunately, we're 130 years early for dinner.

[Dave laughs]

Better put these away.

[murmuring]

[Chip] We need to lay low.

Can't draw attention to ourselves.

[horse whinnies]

So, what's our first move?

You reckon we wet our whistles?

Bust some broncos?

Maybe take in a matinee at the O.K. Corral?

This is not a vacation, Dave.

We need to get back home, and fast.

This place kicks butt, what's the rush?

If the Brennan-Manley Theory is correct,

then if we're lost in the Old West for a week,

we can only go back to our time a week after we left.

If we stay a month, we go home a month later.

A year for a year, understand?

So, you're saying we can miss Homecoming?

There may be no Homecoming!

There may not even be a home to go back to.

If we're not careful,

we could erase ourselves from being born.

So, let's get the phone back

from those cowboy jerks and split.

First we need to score some supplies

and time appropriate clothes so we don't stick out.

Let's do this.

You get the clothes, I'll get the supplies.

And remember the rules.

Don't speak to anyone unless absolutely unavoidable.

No physical interaction with anyone

unless absolutely unavoidable,

and never, ever under any circumstances

reveal any information about myself or the future.

Right.

What's up?

Name's Dave.

Oh, my...

Did you see what he's wearing?

Help you with something?

Um...

Nope.

You're not from around here, huh?

You must be here for the big rodeo.

Yup, love me some rodeo.

You guessed it.

I'm Luna, Luna Running Water.

I'm, um, Ch--

Buffalo...

Jack...

Coffee.

Your name is Buffalo Jack Coffee?

Yup, that's me.

That'll be $1.10.

You don't have an ATM around, do you?

I didn't think so.

What the heck, it's on the house.

Consider it a welcome to town gift.

Really?

Wow, thank you.

It was really nice meeting you.

I'm sure you'll see me around.

[softly] Only in a history book.

I look ridiculous.

Don't be crazy, you look, dope!

[laughing]

Hey! Come here!

Just because your daddy is the mayor,

doesn't mean you Duvaliers can just skip on the bill.

That's exactly what it means, darling.

[scoffing]

Sorry, Kerry!

I hope you're not "mooed" at me.

[laughing]

Aren't any of you gonna do something?

He's getting away with the phone.

No, they're not.

Hope you Duvalier boys remember to cup up.

It's dodgeball day.

Uh-oh.

You don't want no trouble with our gang.

I hate to be the grammar police here,

but when you say you don't want no trouble,

what you're actually saying is you do, in fact, want trouble.

And a gang is technically four or more people.

Hey!

There will be no fisticuffs here today.

My boys here are in the wrong.

Ain't that right, boys?

[both] Sorry.

And I'll punish 'em accordingly.

Now get!

We'll settle this later, tinhorn.

That old dude looked really familiar.

Did I see him in an adult acne commercial?

That's Doc Duvalier.

The dude from the super low-rent video we watched in class?

Yeah, if he's anything like his sons,

Lisa's conspiracy theory might not be just a theory after all.

You two morons are gonna blow everything.

The town can't suspect that the rug

is about to be pulled out from underneath them

when my big deal goes through with the railroad.

The last piece of land I need to purchase

is Chief Running Water's ranch.

Now, after you two win that rodeo,

we will have the gold to do it!

[knocking on door]

Quick, quick, cover them up.

I mean with the sheet, you idiots!

Come on in.

We wanted to apologize to your boys.

It's water under the bridge.

Why don't you come on in here and shake hands, right, fellas?

Come on, get up there, boys.

Get up there.

Bros don't shake hands, bros hug it out.

Okay, toodles.

Toodles.

You got the phone?

You know I did, bro.

[piano playing]

Attention!

The heroes have arrived!

[all cheering]

Cookie, bring the heroes the works!

[all] Yay!

Mind of I join you boys?

Not at all.

I'm Dave, by the way.

Why did you tell her your name?

No personal info, remember?

Chill, I'll spell it different.

I'm Dave, with a Y.

Um... Okay.

Mmm.

Want cake?

[groaning]

Time for Captain Romance to go do his "thang".

You might wanna wipe some of that cake off your face

before you go "do your thang."

Ouch.

That really hurt.

Name's Dave with a Y.

I don't believe you've had the pleasure of meeting me.

We've met, and it was far from a pleasure.

Texas Jane?

Wow, you look great.

And your arm wrestling skills

are really impressive for a girl.

Like to see you beat me, slick.

You're on.

Ready to give up?

Never.

Then I'll just have to finish this now.

Pretty impressive, for a boy.

Is Texas Jane always like that?

Heck no.

You caught her in a good mood.

So, Buffalo Jack, tell me about yourself.

You don't wanna hear about boring old me.

Sure, I do.

Oh, uh, well...

First I was born, then some other stuff happened.

Blah, blah, yadda-yadda, and here I am.

[phone beeping]

And here I go.

Dude, I was about to get her number.

No, you weren't.

She's not gonna have a phone for at least another decade.

This is serious.

My battery is leaking fluid.

Once the fluid is gone, there's no going home.

So, charge it and let's get going.

The electrical outlet hasn't been invented yet.

The only way we can charge my phone

is by connecting it to an element

with at least 12.55 joules mole heat per fusion.

Where do we get one of those thingies?

A jewelry store.

We need gold.

If we can score enough to recharge my phone,

then we can get back home.

[phone beeping]

[Doc on phone] ...last piece of land I need to purchase

is Chief Running Water's ranch.

Now, after you two win that rodeo,

we will have the gold to do it!

[phone beeps]

Mitch must've accidentally

started the recording app on my phone.

Doc Duvalier's planning to take over Luna's ranch?

That's messed up.

We need to tell her.

It's too risky.

Let's just focus on getting some gold and getting home.

I'm with Dave.

And I heard you mention gold.

The prize at the rodeo is 50 gold pieces.

If you two win the rodeo, we split the winnings,

I can pay back the bank and keep our ranch away from Doc.

Us?

Why don't you win the rodeo?

The boys who run the rodeo don't believe

a cowgirl can do anything a cowboy can.

We'd like to help, but we're not cowboys.

Then I'll train ya.

What do you say?

[both] We're in.

[horse whinnies]

Hi, Grandpa.

Welcome back, young one.

Grandpa, meet my friends.

This is Buffalo Jack Coffee and Dave with a Y.

Guys, this is my Granddaddy, Chief Running Water.

Welcome to Hoof Hearted Ranch.

[both chuckling]

What was the name of the ranch?

Hoof Hearted.

Uh, one more time?

Hoof Hearted.

It wasn't me-- uh, Chip?

Nope, I claim mine.

[Luna clearing throat]

Hey, dudes, I mean, dude and dudette.

What are you doing here?

My bro and I are gearing up to save the ranch, no biggie.

So, what brings a little lady like you around these parts?

Smooth one, slick.

How does that girl pack so much 'tude into a tiny body?

Underneath that tough exterior, she's a softie.

Way, way, way, wayunderneath.

Thanks, Gabby.

Mind if I sit here?

Yeah, but it's a free country.

[gasps]

Thanks a lot, slick.

Every time I'm around Jane,

I get nervous and fidgety and can't talk good!

Can't talk well.

See?

Bad news, bro, you got a crush.

Okay, stop talking about how wrong you are,

and start talking about how we can win this rodeo.

I'm open to any ideas.

You could hurt yourself

and hope for sympathy points from the judges.

I'd prefer to avoid injuring myself

before the birth of modern medicine.

I got it!

Use that giant brain of yours and invent some rad stuff

that'll give you a leg up in the rodeo.

My inventions never work.

My days of inventing are over.

Because of your inventing, we get to be cowboys.

We're on a once in a lifetime adventure.

Ever since we came here, all you've done is be negative

about one thing after another, and I'm sick of it.

If I make you so miserable, bro,

then steer clear of me until we get home.

Fine, my pleasure.

Hey, having a party tonight.

Count you boys in?

No!Yes!

I'll take that as a maybe.

[banjo playing]

Take a photograph, it'll last longer.

Shut up, I don't like him.

I never said you did.

Bet that stupid party isn't as nearly as much fun as it sounds.

[Dave] This awesome party is so much fun!

[Luna] I know, right?

Still not going.

Hey, ladies, your lucky night.

Free dance lessons from old Diamond Dave.

Sorry, slick, not my style.

Look who decided to show.

Hey.

Sorry about earlier today.

You were right.

I've been a real downer lately.

I'm sorry, too, bro.

Now come on, let's party like it's 1899.

[hooves clopping]

Pretty impressive for a girl, ay?

There's nothing to it.

[chicken clucking]

That one doesn't count, I was warming up.

[laughing]

Now ease back.

And... release.

Awesome sauce!

What in the Sam Hill did you do?

This, my friend, is a corn dog.

Mmm, I'll call them skewered,

corn-covered meat tubes.

That has a better ring to it.

After I teach you to ride like me,

nobody's gonna be able to touch you.

Ride that thing?

Once my friend here gets to know you,

he'll take care of the hard part.

Now, saddle up, cowboy, and hope on Bucky.

[whimpering]

Bucky.

Why is he called that?

[whinnying]

[whinnying]

Now I get it.

There's no way those idiots are gonna beat us in the rodeo.

Now, that horse is a real night "mare".

[laughing]

I don't get it!

A female horse is called a mare.

"Nightmare" has "mare" in it.

The horse is bad, nightmares are bad!

Oh, forget it!

I'm sorry, Mitch, I'm, I'm trying.

Don't talk to me.

How's the battery holding up?

37%.

It's slow, but we should be okay as long as we win the gold.

[knocking on door]

Time to rise and shine, boys.

What are you boys working on?

Inventions that will give us a leg up in the rodeo.

This one's for the barrel race.

I covered my pants and Bucky's saddle in cockleburs.

When I sit down, it will act as Velcro.

What's "Velcro"?

Never mind, moving on.

With the help of this little beauty,

Dave will be a guaranteed winner at the knife throwing contest.

Observe.

[Luna] That's amazing!

What did you invent to help with the pie eating contest?

Are you kidding?

I've been banned from every all-you-can-eat buffet

in the tristate area.

Speaking of, I can go for some breakfast.

[loud clattering]

[laughing]

Is it there?

Yeah, but whoever did this knocked the fluid out

when they tossed the dresser.

It's down to seven percent.

Will we make it?

By my calculations?

We'll be down to zero percent by 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night.

What time does the rodeo end?6:30.

It's not enough time to rebuild my inventions.

Unless we find a skilled cowboy in the next few hours,

it's over.

Buffalo Jack Coffee?

I have an idea.

♪

Look at this.

Buffalo Jerk and Dumb Dave.

[laughing]

Who's your new teammate?

That's the infamous Coyote Jones, she can't--

He can't talk.

Got his tongue bitten off trying to give a wet willy

to a savage, wild animal.

Come on, guys, we have a rodeo to win.

What happened, man?

I, I tripped.

On what?

Shut up.

Welcome to Vista de Nada's annual rodeo games!

[cheering and applause]

Ladies and gents, and it's a crowd favorite...

knife throwing.

Come on, Cody, you got this.

Yeah!

Nice!

That's it, Cody, come on.

Whoo!How'd you like that, you little punk?

Yeah!

Whoo!

[crowd jeering]

[teasing] Oh, ho-ho-ho.

Go, Dumb Dave.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut up.Okay.

[cheering and applause]

[loud cough]

[sarcastically] Oh!

What a shame.

There you go, booger breath!

Yeah!

Nice shooting, Dave.

Up next is the pie eating contest.

Gentlemen, ready...

Set...

Pie!

[loud burp]

[cheering]

You gonna finish that?

Dang gummit, Mitch!

And that's a clear win for Team Hoof Hearted.

[cheering and applause]

What is going on out there?

Pa, we're trying our best,

but I've never seen someone eat pie so fast.

Well, it's not good enough!

It's tied and now it all comes down to the racing.

Don't worry, we got that one in the bag.

You boys can't be trusted with anything.

It's time for me to finish this myself,

like always.

I'll take the whole pot.

Come and get it, Bucky.

This chili is good for you.

Beans, beans is good for your heart.

The more you eat it, the more--

Well, you'll find out.

[farting]

Ooh-whee!

What is that smell?

[farting]

Where would Bucky have gotten chili?

I'll give you a hint.

It starts with Doc, ends with Duvalier.

There's no way Bucky can race like this.

Without a horse, we'll have to forfeit.

Do the rules say it has to be a horse?

No... why?

[braying]

[farting]

Sorry, that one actually was me.

Ladies and gentlemen!

We are down to the last two teams.

Team Duvalier.

[cheering and applause]

And Team Hoof Hearted!

[cheering and applause]

For the final event,

the horse race!

If Team Hoof Hearted doesn't show, they'll have to forfeit.

But wait! There's Coyote Jones...

on his majestic...

[braying]

...donkey?

[laughing]

[laughing]

Cowboys!

At ready!

Set...

Go!

Go, go, go, go!

Giddy-up!

Giddy-up!

Yee-haw!

Westward ho?!

Westward ho?!

I'm feeling thirsty.

Cody, I think I'll have a sarsaparilla.

But you didn't cross the finish line yet.

Really?

If you hadn't have told me that, I wouldn't have noticed.

[laughing]

Whoa!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[laughing]

Whoa!

[laughing]

Whoo!

Off you go.

Oh, okay.

Say please.

Please?

Awesome sauce!

Yeah, that's awesome!

Awesome sauce.

[indistinct conversation]

[indistinct conversation]

Mitch, Mitch, Mitch!

[cheering]

[Jane] You did it!

[Dave] Yeah!

[man] Congratulations!

Team Hoof Hearted is the winner of this year's rodeo!

[cheering and applause]

What the--?

Well, it, uh, clearly states in the rules

that the rodeo is for cowboys.

So, I demand Hoof Hearted be disqualified.

Thank you very much.

I'm afraid he's right, ladies and gents.

So, I give you the winner of this year's rodeo,

Team Duvalier.

Whoo!

The only thing I hate more than rules are stupid rules.

This is ridiculous.

The rodeo should be open to everyone.

[all] Yeah!

Luna won that race fair and square.

[all] Yeah!

Team Hoof Hearted earned that gold.

Hoof Hearted.

[all chanting] Hoof Hearted, Hoof Hearted,

Hoof Hearted, Hoof Hearted,

Hoof Hearted, Hoof Hearted!

There is a rule

that says that if a clear decision cannot be arrived at,

then it's up to the ladies and gents to vote.

So, all of those in favor of Team Duvalier, make some noise.

[cheering]

Whoo-hoo!

All those in favor of Team Hoof Hearted!

[loud cheering]

Grandpa!

We'll be able to keep the Duvaliers away,

at least for a while.

Here, take our half, too.

It'll keep the Duvaliers off your back for good.

Why, thank you.

Thought you were saving up for a new car.

Wouldn't want you riding the bus alone.

You guys have been some of the best friends we've ever had.

Yeah, everyone of you is awesome sauce.

Ah, awesome sauce to you, too.

We have to go, but we'll always remember you

and the amazing time we had.

I'll miss you, Buffalo Jack Coffee.

You too, Dave with a Y.

Come back anytime.

We'll do our best.

As much as I hate to admit it,

I mighta, sorta fallen in like with you, Jane.

Well, as it turns out, I don't totally detest you either.

That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.

We have to go.

Bye.

This conversation's to be continued.

Don't make me wait too long, slick.

Get 'em!

Adios, 1885.

2016, we're coming home.

[horse whinnying]

[Doc] Howdy, boys.

I must insist you, uh, hand over your device.

Little boys like you should not wield that much power.

Not gonna happen, Doc.

We could do this the easy way, or our way.

Let's go, Chip, the worm hole's closing.

Didn't want you boys having all the fun.

No funny stuff or you get it.

Good luck with that new girlfriend.

Funny story, she's kind of your great-great-granddaughter.

Wait, what?

We'll never forget you.

Later, losers.

Let's go, Chip.

Come here.

Gimme that, you little desert rat.

Ah.

Dude, Doc's got the time machine.

No, he doesn't.

He's got a useless cell phone without battery fluid.

Well, in that case, let's get a move-on.

It's Homecoming tonight, buddy.

♪

I'm so glad we're home, man.

Next time you take me on a trip, try to keep it in this century.

I can't believe we got to be actual cowboys.Yes!

And like all great westerns, the hero saved the day.

And you were so worried we'd mess up the future.

I invented a time machine.

Guys![both]What?

[Doc] We need to set Texas Jane and those boys straight.

Jane, I'm from the present.

I'd like you to meet Lisa.

No way.No way.

Go get 'em!

Tell Chief he has until sundown to sell.

I have an idea.

[Lisa] Three!

Gotta get rid of the Duvaliers, once and for all.

All of them.

♪