Original subtitles

Yes, Signore Puzzo. I have the first chapter with me.

And more importantly, the new contracts.

It's all watertight.

If they don't pay, we go to another publishing house.

You should see the fuss about your book.

Damn it.

It's nothing. Just my prostate.

Couldn't piss for three years. I'm about to explode.

Forget I mentioned it.

You can count on me, Signore Puzzo.

Good for the old kidneys.

- Prostate problems? - Beat it, wise guy!

I'm afraid beating it is out of the question, Signore Rossi.

Enrico Puzzo's lawyer, I believe.

Well, now you know who's about to blow you away, jerk.

- Mind taking a step to the right? - What?

- Uzbekistan, that's pretty far. - Pretty and far.

I'm sorry! Can't park to save my life.

No one's hurt, are they?

Sorry! My bad.

Now I'm parked all crooked.

- Morning, Ms. Steffens. - Morning.

Morning, Ms. Eisenstein. I need really good news.

Has anything come for me? I'm expecting a package.

- Do you have a name for me? - Julia Steffens.

I've worked here three years.

- Name of the sender! - Oh, right. Paolo Rossi.

Enrico Puzzo's lawyer.

Said he'd send us the beginning of his new novel.

I'm sorry. I've nothing for you.

Oh, no. Darn it.

- No way! Is that you, Toni? - Münchinger!

You're looking good, you old marksman.

Flowers? You meeting a chick? Excuse me.

Howdy, honey. You found nothing? What a shame!

Maybe we'll have more luck in Munich. Shoes.

What, honey? Want to eat with us?

Look, I got to get back to it, honey. See you soon. Kisses.

- Are you on a job? - Got to take care of some lawyer.

- Italian guy, I think. - Paolo Rossi?

- That's the one. - Already sorted.

Not again, Toni! You get there first every time!

Is Rossi really here?

Does he need any finishing touches?

No? Well, I guess I have the day off then.

- And? Has love come knocking? - Knocking? Not even a little tap.

- Got to dash. - See you, Tony.

Ms. Eisenstein?

Dr. Gruber!

Ms. Eisenstein!

Hide!

She can't see me with a shrink.

She'll be fine.

- Morning, Mr. Kimbel. - Morning.

I have a reputation to uphold as a cool, worldly publisher's son.

- Oh, please, Bobfried. - It's Bob.

Bob. Never call me Bobfried. It's one of Dad's humiliation tactics.

It's a wonderful, traditional name. Embrace it as part of your identity.

When I suffer, Dad's mood improves.

You know what his latest threat was?

He'll only pay for the wedding if Julia wears Mom's dress.

- And if she doesn't like it? - React as we practiced in the session.

- Hide behind the couch and cry? - The other session.

Let's practice the mantra, "I am confident.

I am manly, I am my own person."

- Go on, dare to be spontaneous. - I am confident.

I am a manly man and I am incredibly spontaneous.

Hope you get well soon.

I am spontaneous.

- Was that John Grisham? - Hi! He's an old buddy of mine.

Snookums.

Like a light, you...

light up my life.

- The manuscript isn't there. I'm dead. - It's probably upstairs.

Or Puzzo will bring it with him.

Look what I got for our wedding.

- My mother's dress. - What a charming...

... beer tent.

Alexandra? I'm Toni Ricardelli.

So sorry I'm late. I hope you like flowers.

Thanks.

- You're Italian? - I have Sicilian roots.

But I was born here. Let's just say I get around.

Unpunctual, Italian...

- Smoker. - Smoker?

Oh yeah! I get you.

- What do you do? - Look, this is our first date.

First, the basics. Then, matters of the heart.

- Interesting approach. May I? - Sure.

I hate those things.

- So, ever been married? - Not that I'm aware of.

- Right. On to financial matters. Job? - I'm...

- I'm a contract killer. - Hilarious.

- What do you really do? - Honesty is vital in relationships.

You should know right away that I'm a hitman.

Are you okay? You've nothing to worry about.

- You... - I know, I know. Please, sit down.

It may be little out of the ordinary, but it's a great job.

It's well paid, I have flexible hours.

- I meet lots of people. - You shoot people for a job?

- You make it sound so bad. - Mr. Ricardelli.

- Call me Toni. - I also believe in honesty.

Your job is slightly problematic.

Or something like that... Bye bye.

- Lisa! Is the Puzzo manuscript there? - Oh, Bob!

Mr. Kimbel, I mean.

Your mail in alphabetical order and your favorite cappuccino.

Decaf with low-fat soja milk and double sweetener.

Oh, thanks.

Any time!

"Larry Rose. Sexercise. A star reveals all."

It's not there. Damn it.

Julia, my little snaily-waily.

- The journalists are waiting. - I know. And no manuscript.

I'll go stall the press and your dad. You ring Puzzo, okay?

Enrico wouldn't leave us in the lurch. We go way back.

Am I lucky to have you! I'll see you downstairs.

Dad will make mincemeat out of me.

Dr. Gruber! Dr. Gruber!

I may be blind but I hear the rustling of money.

Are you picking up my tab again?

If Gino threw you out, I'd never know where to find you.

By the way, that Rossi business is finito.

Excellent.

But I'm interested in another matter.

- How was the date? - I know you were trying to help.

But seriously, blind dates are not my style.

- You told her. - Honesty is vital in relationships.

- If she loves me... - Bull!

Remember Greenpeace girl?

- She was cute and she liked me. - Until you blew away that oil magnate.

As a little present for Valentine's Day.

Maybe I went a bit over the top. But I was young and in love.

Want your chocolate beans?

- No one eats them except you. - Comfort food.

Your next job. Enrico Puzzo.

But this one will be no walk in the park.

Be on your guard, son.

He's a real dangerous man.

Shall I spell it out again, you dimwitted, inbred peabrain?

My lawyer called me when he delivered the manuscript.

Think you can screw me over? You have the beginning of my novel.

And I haven't seen money or a contract!

But Signore Puzzo, you'll make a fortune.

The book will be sold the world over.

I have a cashier's check made out to you.

I can give it to you at the press conference.

To hell with your press conference! I leave Italy when I see the cash.

- Italy? - Correct! Italy.

- That cute boot-shaped country. - You're in danger!

Come to Berlin and I will ensure you come to no harm.

Great! Bob Kimbel will ensure I come to no harm!

Criminals everywhere will be shitting bricks!

How did you get to be such a dumb-ass?

- My price just doubled, dipshit! - Doubled?

Signore Puzzo, Enrico, brother.

Quit that brother bullshit! Are you trying to insult my family?

You want a cheap deal?

Buy my novel in paperback

after the competition have published it!

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Before introducing Mr. Puzzo

I would like to present the founder and CEO

of Kimbel & Son publishing house, Mr. Christopher Kimbel.

Everything okay, Mr. Kimbel?

- Your dad's giving his speech. - He'll kill me.

And take the keys to my sports car.

- Bobfried! - It's Bob.

Perhaps you should seize this moment to approach your dad.

Tell him your true feelings.

That's suicide.

What a wonderful idea!

Don't do it, Mr. Kimbel!

No one can replace you!

Replace? You are a genius.

Millions have been pondering the same question for years.

Who is Enrico Puzzo?

Who is this mysterious man behind the novels that...

that top the best-seller lists

on every continent?

No one knows his real name. No one knows where he lives.

What kept you?

Today we will not only shed light on the mystery of his identity...

- Where's Puzzo? - In Italy.

- Italy? - Yes!

Give that to Dad.

And tell him Puzzo had to go into hiding from the mafia.

And now a sneak preview of his latest novel.

We have a problem. Puzzo's not coming.

- Are you serious? - He's gone into hiding.

But we have the first few pages.

Okay, we'll talk more later.

Great!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was just informed that Enrico Puzzo

has been forced to go into hiding.

But I can assure you now I will hold another press conference

this time next week at the very latest.

Where did you get the manuscript?

But of course I won't send you away empty-handed.

I improvised.

I hope that's not the envelope from my desk.

- Why? - That's Larry Rose's biography!

Does it matter? They all say the same.

Difficult childhood...

You don't mean Larry "Porno" Rose?

Captain Ding-dong? Mr. Golden Schlong?

Chapter One.

I'd always had a big and sturdy cannon.

And on this pivotal day in my life

it was fully... loaded.

I entered the warehouse

and was dazzled by the glare of the spotlights.

But my eyes got used to the light

and as I watched the scene before me a bulge emerged in my stretch jeans.

- Where's Mr. Puzzo? - No comment.

- What's next? - No comment.

- Hang on a minute. - No comment!

- No comment! - Mr. Kimbel.

You're fired! And you're coming with me.

It doesn't hurt. It's just a game we play.

Well done, Julia. Done it again!

Bye-bye, career. Bye-bye, future.

Bye-bye, glass desk.

Julia! I have the solution to all...

- ... our problems. - I stopped drinking.

No, not that. Let's elope.

I'll get a real job and come home all sweaty and dirty.

You'll be waiting with our five kids, dinner ready on the table.

It'll be hard, but we'll feed the kids somehow.

I fought hard for this job. I can't just throw in the towel.

What are you going to do?

Tell me everything about Puzzo.

Eccentric, fond of his mafia image.

Puzzo is an alias anyway. Why do you want to know?

I'm off to get this deal, Puzzo and my job back.

Oh, sorry. I was just leaving.

Oh, I'm so sorry. No, it's all my fault.

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

This is about integrity, it's about loyalty.

That whistle-blower Puzzo has none of these qualities.

- Signore Marino, this may hurt. - Be careful.

Or you'll be calling yourself Signora Dentista from now on.

Puzzo!

Sounds like a venereal disease.

Anyone could hide behind that wretched name!

Friends,

family...

- Even my dentist. - But I would never...

Shut it! I was just thinking out loud.

You lousy torturer!

Your third-party liability insurance does not cover this type of injury.

Baldini. Why do you always butt in?

You know how important regular check-ups are.

I have good news for you. I've dealt with our Puzzo problem.

At last! And to think I nearly shot my dentist.

- So that nasty rat is dead? - Good as.

I've got the best man on the job.

Have a nice evening.

Anyone home?

Why not announce my address and tax number?

Or plaster my photo everywhere!

Don't use that name again!

And I ordered champagne!

I'm sorry, Signore Puzzo.

Just bring me the champagne and stop bellowing my name!

- Who's there? - Your champagne.

- Shall I open it? - No, no, my dear.

I've popped enough corks in my time. Shall I prove it?

- I'm... needed downstairs. - Your loss.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Enrico Puzzo.

Don't ever say that name!

It's a matter of life and death.

Just like a bad whodunit.

- Killer in the closet. Original. - That hurts.

Get it over with then. Blow me away.

I can't wait to meet Marlon Brando.

I just loved "The Godfather".

You have no appreciation of irony.

How strange. It doesn't hurt at all.

Shame to waste it.

Mr. Puzzo?

It's Julia Steffens here. I must speak with you.

Signore Puzzo?

I would have knocked but it was open.

Do you have nail scissors?

Scissors, nail clippers, pocket knife?

Thanks.

I really admire your work.

- Thanks. - You're so great.

I bet there are loads of people who are really pissed off at you.

- I think you misunderstand, Ms... - Steffens.

I work for Kimbel & Son. Well, I'm kind of semi-employed.

I hate to put a downer on the evening,

but Enrico Puzzo is dead.

He just vanished out of that window. I'm Toni Ricardelli and I'm a hitman.

Hitman? That's a good one.

Bob wasn't exaggerating.

- You'll have to blow me over now. - Blow away.

"Blow someone away", and it won't be necessary.

What are you doing, Enrico? Sorry, Toni.

I'm removing my fingerprints.

- You know they're chocolate beans? - Sorry.

I just adore those things.

- Comfort food, know what I mean? - Pardon me?

Comfort food.

- Everything okay? - Have you eaten yet?

I mean, would you go to dinner with me?

Yes. That would be a pleasure. But I'm paying.

Don't you dare.

After you.

I love Italy. Everything's so...

Italian.

Do you live here? Your German is really good.

I grew up in Germany, but I travel a lot.

- Mr. Puzzo. - Ricardelli.

Right. Mr. Ricardelli.

This isn't quite the right moment.

- But we have to discuss the deal. - I hate to disappoint you.

I want to be honest with you.

I'm a hitman.

And not Enrico Puzzo.

How did that...? How embarrassing.

You could burn the place down and no one would mind.

- Is the farfalle vegetarian? - You're vegetarian?

I'm not a fanatical sausage-hater or anything.

I just hate the idea of a creature dying.

- Oh god, I sound so naive. - Well...

You're a mafia writer after all. Assassin, I mean.

Assassin, mafia writer. Same thing really.

- I hope my humor doesn't bother you. - Not at all.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

I have something for you.

There it is.

- 500,000 euro? - I know we said more.

You'll get the rest when the novel's finished.

Come to Berlin, I'll book you into the best hotel,

make sure you want for nothing, and you can finish your book in peace.

Call me Enrico.

Yes, yes, Dad.

Puzzo is so close to signing that damned contract.

No, I didn't say damned. Honest.

Okay. Yes, I'll do that.

What are you doing, Bobfried?

Just have to wash my mouth out. Dad doesn't like cursing.

Don't you think it's about time

you stood up to your dad?

Impossible.

I had a party. Even though I wasn't allowed.

I thought he was away. Then he turned up.

He gave me a thrashing in front of all the girls,

dragged me into my room and grounded me for two weeks.

- That happens to most kids. - It was last year.

Bob, your life is not defined by your father's opinion of you.

Try to remember the mantra.

- A killing spree solves nothing. - The other!

I'm a valuable part of society. I'm a winner.

I'm a valuable part of society. A winner.

A winner!

Dad. My mouth's clean.

- Spotless. - It's me.

- Please tell me you're with Puzzo. - We're having dinner.

He's on the phone now.

He's changed his identity. Calls himself Toni Ricardelli.

- Says he's a hitman. - Sounds like him.

Has he signed the contract yet?

Hang on a sec.

- I'm taking a few days off. - What's she called?

Are you still there, Julia?

Julia.

I never believed what you said, but I saw her and...

- Go on. Spit it out. - Well, she likes chocolate beans.

She's perfect for you! A match made in heaven.

- Bob? - Hang on.

- Did he sign? - No, but he's charming.

- Still there? - If you ignore the few loose screws.

Charming?

- Got to go. - Sure, Romeo.

I'll be in touch.

- Take care. - Bye.

- Hey. - Hey.

I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed and not happy at all.

That really hurts, Signore Marino.

Those balls are very hard. My head is throbbing.

I thought we had solved our Puzzo problem.

Now I hear the slimeball is happy as Larry

and still writing his whistle-blowing trash.

And your "expert" assassin is nowhere to be seen.

We've got in the big guns now.

Wonderful.

Reminds me of being a kid.

It's clear

that you're the right guys for the job.

So, I...

Sorry.

Yes. Howdy, honey.

Can't really talk right now. I'm working.

The suit? No, I didn't pick it up.

I thought you were going to.

I'm wearing the dark grey and beige one.

Yes. Hey, got to dash.

See you later. Kisses.

The wife.

What I was about to say was...

Sorry.

I'll be brief.

We'll have a little contest.

Whoever manages to kill Enrico Puzzo

will get more money than they can count.

The others...

won't live to see it anyway.

This is our top suite. With jacuzzi and flat screen.

A small bar area and a little "play area".

A waterbed with counter-current system.

In case you feel like indulging in a little sport.

Oh, no. We're just here... on business.

Is that so? Isn't that a shame.

You're really Enrico Puzzo?

- I won't blow your cover. - Phew.

I'm Dirk by the way. Just shout if you need anything.

Even if you're after something real dirty.

- Just ask. - Jens.

I like you. That was a joke, right?

Enjoy yourselves.

What a lovely lad.

And now I'll show you the most important part of all.

The closet?

Oh. No, not that.

Your office.

And...

No computer, no duplicates.

- Just the way I like it. - Before I forget...

My father-in-law and boss

is hosting a reception and would love to meet you.

- Father-in-law? - Yes.

- You're married? - Good as.

- Who's the lucky man? - You old friend Bob.

- So, will you accompany me tonight? - I'd be delighted.

- Evening. - Evening.

- Here you go. - Cheers.

This event is the who's who of publishing.

If they knew you were here...

Well, with you at my side no one will notice me.

- There's Bob. - Bob!

- Bob! He'll be so thrilled to see you. - Isn't that nice. Back in a sec.

If Julia asks, you're my piano teacher.

- Bob! - Bob, listen.

It will only hinder your therapy if I pretend to be your piano teacher.

My golf instructor?

- Evening. - Hello, my little ferret.

- You look stunning. - Thank you.

- Toni! - Münchinger!

What brings you here?

Never knew you were a bookworm.

You may laugh but I'm already on my second book.

- You're not really here for pleasure? - No.

- Got to sort out one of your buddies. - Who's the lucky guy?

- So you can get there first again? - Would I?

Who was that chick with you just now?

- Her? I only just met her... outside. - Outside?

Enrico. I'd like you to meet someone. Excuse us,

No problem.

See ya, "Enrico".

No problem at all.

- Henry? - Yes.

This is Henry von Göttler. Enrico Puzzo.

- It's top secret. - My lips are sealed.

Hold your horses, pal. No need for all that hubbub.

- There we go. - Thank you.

Who are your literary influences?

- Literary influences? - What books did you read as a child?

Spiderman.

A tragic character.

Torn between his vocation and his heart.

A man of taste in an era rife with wannabe poets.

- My friends call me Henry, by the way. - Enrico.

- And you're a writer? - Well, after a fashion.

Masochists have been known to read my weekly columns.

Please! He's so modest.

Henry is a sharp-witted literary critic.

- Even when he's sober. - Don't begrudge me my hobby.

Signore Marino?

Allow me to introduce you to Enrico Puzzo.

Puzzo!

At last I get to see your ugly mug.

Time to bring the Mafia Diaries chapter to a close.

I have a feeling it's going to end with a bang.

- Julia! - Bob!

Bob! What's the time?

How clumsy of me! Excuse me for a second, will you.

- Shall I...? - Back in a sec.

- My little snaily-waily. - What?

- Snaily-waily. - Okay...

Toni, we meet again.

- Or should I call you Enrico? - Whatever takes your fancy.

Enrico, the famous writer.

I never knew you had it in you. But you know what sucks?

- What? - Marino is not a fan of yours.

Can't please everyone.

I have to make sure you never finish your next novel.

Eternal writer's block.

- What the hell? Excuse me a sec. - No problem. Answer it.

Yes? Howdy, honey.

Hey, guess who I'm with? Toni Ricardelli!

- It's a real small world. - Send my love.

- He sends his love. - What?

Not again! We visited your parents last week.

No, thanks. What?

What about the movies? No. Okay.

Bye, honey. Kisses.

- She says hi. - Say...

Already gone.

So, Toni, let's find ourselves a nice, quiet spot.

What did your Dad say?

- Will I get my job back? - I'm glad you mentioned Dad.

I've been thinking and it's all his fault.

He used you to get to Puzzo.

- We're all just his slaves. - Let's discuss it later.

I want people to know what an evil tyrant Dad is.

He's... How can I put it without being too harsh?

The devil. At last, I see him for what he is.

Now I'm going to tell the old screwball

to stuff his publishing house and his money up...

Lavender-sandalwood. My favorite sort. That's decent of you.

- Mr. Kimbel! - Choose your words carefully.

I'm sure you're aware who pays your exorbitant bills.

I just wanted to say what a marvelous party this is. Bye.

And now we come to you.

Follow me.

Well, isn't this a great spot.

I'm sorry I have to blow you away.

- You won't hold it against me? - No! We're pros.

Must be something to drink around here.

I know what that is! Bingo!

So this is where he hid the good stuff.

Miserly bastard!

Excuse me, we've got some business to attend to.

There you are, Enrico!

May I introduce you?

- Henry von Göttler, Helmut Münchinger. - Howdy.

Is that one of those gun-shaped lighters?

Thanks.

- I know what you're going to say. - Ms. Steffens.

I fire you, you go to Italy all on your own

and negotiate with our most important writer.

- It was out of line. - You have fighting spirit!

Thanks.

My good-for-nothing son had blown that deal.

Puzzo was about to go to the competition.

I don't know what you did, but somehow you managed it.

You get your job back with double the salary.

Now find Puzzo and bring him to me.

I imagine the life of mafia writer

must be really quite strenuous at times.

It's pretty back-breaking.

- Would you mind giving me a hand? - Not at all.

Enrico?

Enrico, Henry. There you are.

We're having a killer of a time here!

Bob and his Dad are looking for you.

Ah, my old buddy Bob.

Tell Bob and his Dad we'll be with them in no time at all.

Okay.

- Do you have a car? - Yes.

Perhaps I should drive until we've dumped the body.

No one drives this pile of junk except me!

Take care, Helmut.

This has been the most exciting night of my entire life!

Let's have a drink to celebrate! Come on.

Good job we filled up on gas.

Yes?

Howdy, honey. What's up?

Hang on. I said I'd be home late today.

What?

For Christ's sake! You can eat it cold too.

Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

Yes. Look, I'm just having a shitty day.

You know what? The suit's ruined too.

Bye.

Kiss my ass.

Come in.

- Yes. - Hi, Enrico.

- Where did you get to last night? - I'm so sorry.

I had a run-in with an extremely large bottle of gin.

Bob says hi. He asked how the novel's going.

- The presentation's next week. - The book? Ah, yes! The book!

It's practically writing itself.

A typewriter?

What the hell is a blindman supposed to do with that?

You're the best man for the job.

Remember telling me bedtime stories when I was a kid?

- "The Sandman and the Sicilian". - Quit the nostalgia.

You're a born writer, Pepe.

You'll think up the new Puzzo novel.

- And Gino will type it for you. - Me? Hang on there.

I have a restaurant to run here. I've no time for this. And I've...

never seen so much money in my life.

Sure. Of course I can find the time.

Do you really think she'll buy it?

- What happened to your honesty? - It's important.

And to be honest, I think it's the best way to deal with it.

When I know her better I'll tell her everything.

- Toni, she's as good as married. - Exactly. As good as.

- We write the novel in four days... - Four days!

- I don't even know where to start. - You'll think of something.

Gino, are you familiar with the concept of sharing?

Exactly, Dom Perignon. A magnum.

My doctor said to drink plenty of fluids.

- Münchinger! - Toni!

Well, Toni.

I appear to have found a new lease on life.

- Shaving foam. - I know.

Everything okay?

I'm too old for this kung-fu bullshit.

Steel plate.

Beer festival injury.

Enrico?

Enrico. I thought something was up.

- What are you doing? - Red wine.

A stain. On my new suit.

If you don't get to it right away...

Of course.

What happened here?

I cut myself shaving.

I know. How about you mix us some drinks.

And I'll be with you in a second.

Whiskey soda?

Perfect!

Okay.

- No! - How are the wedding preparations?

Yeah, fine I suppose. I'm busier with your book launch.

Marrying your boss must complicate things.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oh no!

I...

I was just trying to...

Whatever you were trying, you succeeded.

Someone knocked.

That was my heart. Maybe the champagne is here too.

Don't go anywhere.

Good evening.

- Who was it? - Room service.

Can you give me a second?

- What? Why? - A surprise. Please.

No peeking.

Good evening. I'm Bob.

Bob Kimbel.

A friend of Enrico.

But of course. Bob.

Come in.

Sorry about before.

I had to be absolutely sure.

Sure of what?

That you're not a mafioso.

Is Enrico here at all?

I'd like to say hello.

You see, Bob.

It is okay if I call you Bob, isn't it?

Yes.

Enrico was absolutely right about you.

You're a man you can really trust.

- He said that? - Can you keep a secret?

Of course I can.

Enrico has gone underground.

He asked me to take his place here

so he can finish his masterpiece.

- Genius. - Not even I know his current location.

But we are in close contact.

Speaking of close contact, Bob.

Would you join me in a bottle of champagne?

- Yes of course, I'd love to. - We could make it nice and cozy.

That's a tempting offer.

But I have a very important...

- Appointment. - What a shame!

You have such gorgeous dimples when you smile.

Well... I suppose there's nothing I can say.

Bob.

That's from my father.

- Ready for the surprise? - Yes.

You know, you saved me?

If you hadn't signed, I'd be out of a job.

Sounds like a great love story.

- Material for my next book, maybe. - I'm engaged.

And anyway, romance is just

a complex chemical reaction in the body.

- What? - Oh, nothing.

I'm just having a chemical reaction.

Maybe it's because of the little rocks burning up in the atmosphere.

It's beautiful.

What a wonderful surprise.

You can make a wish.

So, what did you wish for?

I never have much luck with wishes.

Maybe your luck's starting to change.

Quit smooching, turtle birds. I shoot you like rabid cats.

- Doves and dogs. - What?

You mean, "turtledoves".

And "I'll shoot you like rabid dogs."

Plus, it's way past your bedtime.

Take fun again and I'll shoot the girl.

Make fun. And no you won't.

- Stop! - A Desert Eagle.

Dismantles in 1.25 seconds.

Did I beat that?

And you can tell Marino

I'm tired of his goons, okay?

He'll never make a mafioso.

You just saved my life.

- How did you do that? - That's an old trick.

- Are you as hungry as I am? - Hungry? Oh no!

Dinner with Bob. Sorry, I have to go.

Taxi.

Sorry. I had a great time.

I promised him ages ago.

Thanks for the surprise.

Julia.

- Wrong car. - It happens.

Julia.

I've been waiting for two hours.

I don't want to tell you what to do.

But I feel anger toward you.

I demand respect. For me, as a human being.

As your future husband.

And as your boss.

Dr. Gruber, is this really necessary?

- She'll get upset. - Bob!

You're the victim. You're the one who's upset.

This is an exercise in articulating

how you feel and gaining respect.

Be furious.

Julia.

Hello.

Hello, butterfly. So great you made it.

- So sorry I'm late. - I was too early.

Hello, I'm Julia.

That's Dr. Gruber.

He can't understand you.

He's my personal... Italian.

My teacher.

I always wanted to...

to learn the language.

He's Italian?

Here goes, then.

Let me show you something. Your dress.

- Oh yeah. - Do you want to try it on?

We've enough for two dresses.

No, it's really beautiful.

- Yes? - Hello, Enrico, I...

I hope I haven't woken you.

I'm sorry for running off earlier.

Well, you're too late. I've got writers' block.

Seriously. You saved my life.

Can I repay you somehow?

How about with a tour of the city?

Tomorrow evening.

I'm not really sure my fiancé would like the idea.

You're absolutely right.

So I'll pick you up tomorrow.

I can't wait.

Oh, Mr. Kimbel.

I've discovered a new coffee.

Even gentler on the stomach.

- Have a try. - Thanks.

Velvety and nutty. An excellent bean.

What's up with Julia?

Your shoelace is undone. Bye.

It's obvious.

She's in love.

In love? How? Since this morning or something?

- Hello, Julia. - Hi, Bob.

- How are you today? - Well, thanks.

You seem slightly different.

- Anything I should know? - Yes.

Nope. Sorry, no.

Just a bit confused. Let's talk later.

Bye.

Mr. Kimbel. You've gone all pale.

It's your glucose levels. You should have a cookie.

What a fine image of a man.

Mr. Garcia?

In my country, they call me "El Toro".

And they say you're the best.

Oh yes, I am the beast.

Sleep with Julia. Find out who's tailing her.

- No problem. - Other way around.

Also not a problem.

Pity though.

I demand absolute discretion. Julia can't find out.

Just find out about the man.

I'll find the hombre.

And nobody will sleep with

my friend Bob's fiancé.

As long as the price is right.

- Hello. - Hi.

That's the Tiergarten there.

A juggler!

She stood there on a mild summer evening.

And her body,

as white as alabaster,

was glimmering

in the silver moonlight.

Round and firm

were her breasts.

Like two ripe melons,

eagerly waiting for the moment

to be harvested.

Gino, what are you doing?

- Drinking. - Write.

I've got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes and don't peek.

Don't peek! Open your hand.

Keep your eyes closed.

Now you can open them.

Chocolate beans.

- You read my mind. - My specialty.

Now it's your turn.

What am I thinking about now?

World peace?

That too.

Stop. This is wrong.

- I'm almost married. - Only "almost".

Shall we go for dinner tomorrow?

- No. Nothing can come of this. - That's a yes.

- No. - Nine at my place.

Seven thirty would be better.

That's what I'm looking for.

El Toro has you by the balls, dumb-ass.

And please don't forget,

she likes her martini dry and with two olives.

Don't worry, Mr. Puzzo.

These are just to die for.

- Anyone home? - Are you the Spanish guitarist?

- No. - Good.

I hadn't actually ordered one. Who are you?

They call me El Toro.

I'm working for Bob Kimbel

and I have a few pretty nice photos here.

But I don't know what to do with them.

- Get out. - Not so fast, Señor Puzzo.

Or should I say, Toni Ricardelli?

Okay, fine. How much?

My prices shouldn't be a problem

for the world's most successful author.

Shall we say 500,000?

It looks like I don't have a choice.

Wait a second.

You're no Spaniard, and what's with the lame accent?

There's no fooling you.

I'm Herbert Müllerhiegler from Mannheim.

El Toro from Spain sounds a little better.

Whatever.

To Enrico Puzzo.

Holy moly!

That's a stiff one.

Julia.

I'll be with you in just a second.

Come in.

Hello?

- What are you doing there? - Back pain.

I know a great trick.

You have to lie down flat on the floor.

- No. - But...

I think it's best if I stay standing.

Why don't you pour yourself a drink?

Okay.

No!

Champagne would be much better, don't you think?

- Enrico, what's going on? - Toni.

Toni, our masterpiece is finally complete.

Sensational pages, all 250 of them.

Wrong room, old man.

I've typed my fingers to the bone for you.

And this is how you greet me?

I said it's the wrong room.

Well, whatever you say.

If you don't want it, I'll take the new Puzzo with me.

But your sweetheart from the publishers won't thank you.

- What was her name? - Julia

You're right, I must have the wrong room.

Not the photos!

I didn't kill him.

He managed it on his own.

- He drank poison. - You're really...

But I didn't put it there!

You're not Enrico Puzzo.

Julia, Enrico Puzzo is dead.

- You got the wrong idea. - You pretended.

Mr. Nice Guy, the car, the Romeo stuff.

I tried to tell you. You didn't want to hear it.

You can't blame me for your personality crisis.

Not only do you pretend to be someone else, you're a murderer.

That's not normal. You're crazy.

- Listen, honey, give him a chance. - Keep out of it!

Honestly, Julia.

I didn't want to lie to you, only...

I'm a contract killer.

And you're an amazing woman with a normal job.

It's silly.

But I can't change the way it is.

For once we're agreed.

To think, the last few days were the best I ever had.

I almost fell for you.

Your sweetheart sure has fire in her belly.

Dr. Gruber?

What are you doing there?

I told you about my midnight match.

How can you play tennis while I'm suffering?

And just when I'm making such excellent progress.

Bob, can I be honest with you?

Bob.

Sugarlump!

No! No!

I'm sorry.

- It doesn't matter. - It does.

Have you had a drink?

I haven't had one drink. I've had a hell of a lot.

I had every reason to.

I ruin everything.

I hate the world and the world hates me.

No.

How could the world hate you?

- Can you ever forgive me? - Forgive what?

I can't marry you.

- But... - I've spoiled everything.

But we've prepared everything.

We even cut up mother's dress.

But I can't wear it.

You're the nicest man I know. My best friend.

Not like all the other lying scumbags.

You deserve better.

Farewell.

Ciao, Signore Gruber.

Dr. Gruber.

I really need your advice.

You want my advice?

You're her best friend. She doesn't love you.

This whole wedding was a farce.

But friendship is the foundation of every marriage.

What are you going to do? She's blind drunk!

We'll get married before she sobers up.

Yes, this is Puzzo.

I want to send on some luggage. Can you pick it up?

Yes. Where to?

Nepal. Yes, I'll wait. Thanks very much.

That's just great.

Come in.

Mr. Kimbel, I've prepared a little ayurvedic meal for you.

Lisa, how long have you worked for me?

Three years, four months and eight days.

Would you say we've become friends?

Of course, Mr. Kimbel! I mean, Bob.

So you should be the first one to know

that we're getting married.

- We're getting married? - Tomorrow!

Julia and I moved the date forward.

And if you like, you can be my witness.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

I'm just so...

- So? - So touched.

Puzzo.

Now I've got you by the balls.

You won't be ruining my reputation again.

But I'll give you one last chance.

Tell me where the book is.

And your girlfriend lives.

There is no book.

Did I hear, "snuff the girl"?

That's the truth and I'm not Enrico Puzzo.

Puzzo is dead.

Okay.

That was your last chance.

I was fair. I was nice!

No more kid gloves.

Signore Marino,

I think the girl has the manuscript.

Fill that bastard with lead. I'll see to the girl.

Baldini!

You know, we'll still have our fun with you,

once you're on the other side.

You're gross.

Concierge.

Mr. Puzzo. Well hello there!

You live the high life!

Your secret is safe.

Why don't you join our little tête-à-tête?

Are you really sure you don't mind?

A stud like you is the missing ingredient.

Well in that case.

I would hate to be a party pooper.

Isn't that right?

You girls don't mess about.

If you knew how much that turns me on!

That's it!

Nice and tight!

You've done this before.

Maria!

I thought we were having a party.

Sorry, the party's over.

I know what my problem is.

I shouldn't have fallen for it.

Enrico, Toni.

Bob.

He'll never forgive me now.

Julia, my little possum nose.

I've been all over town.

Are you Bob, or Enrico?

He's Bob.

Julia, I've been thinking.

I'm not letting you go. I forgive whatever it was.

We're going to be married.

I've got the church. And a priest.

- And the dress. - What about the split?

You can trust me. I'm the man of the house.

As the man of the house,

you'll want to settle that, right?

Did you want to buy the place?

- Hello? - Julia.

The mafia are after you.

The mafia is a holiday compared to you.

I've nothing to say to you. You fraudster.

Julia.

- Leave Julia alone, whoever you are. - Yeah!

Or you'll have me to deal with.

- We're getting married today. - Right!

- Goodbye. - Bye.

I should probably kill you both.

But I'm thinking about a career change.

Enrico, any chance I could take over from you?

I like all the hot chicks and guns stuff.

I need our help.

Bob Kimbel is getting married. Find out where.

- Consider it done. - Thanks. Ciao.

Enrico! You're a real tough guy!

It's pretty tough work in this hotel.

My car! Goddamn! Man!

You know who's that is?

- But I'll drive, partner. - Of course.

- Just be gentle with the clutch. - Buckle up.

Lisa, what's wrong?

Oh, it's really nothing.

It's just that driving always makes me so sad because of...

all the accident victims.

Signore Gruber?

Bob.

How come your Italian teacher is driving?

- Another drop of champagne? - Yes!

This car is custom-built.

- So, do you like your new job? - It's okay.

Open your door when I say so.

Now!

Great!

Hold tight!

I do!

Not so fast, brandy truffle. All in good time.

- Lisa, pull yourself together! - I'm sorry.

But I always cry at weddings.

What a joy that we're to be joined in matrimony.

Until death do you part.

Howdy!

Excuse me, Your Grace,

But this is not for your enlightened eyes.

Right then.

You wiseguys probably think you're tough.

But I swear

if you don't tell me

where the damn manuscript is...

It's in the bag!

Oh, thank you!

You're better than the Jackson 5.

"Her quivering thigh was covered in white satin,

which stretched over her voluminous breasts like a second skin."

Do you think this is funny? What is this shit?

Okay, Julia. I'd like to know too.

Bob, think about what we learnt

about stress management.

- That's some strange Italian. - He's my therapist.

Now you know.

I have my weaknesses too.

Shut up! All of you!

Where is the Puzzo manuscript?

It's a real long story.

Then you'd better tell me the short version.

I'm not the least bit impressed by your "piece".

Dr., what do you think to affitin...

Affinity for guns?

Clearly a phallic symbol, indicating

a lack of sexual confidence, or suppressed homosexuality.

One more word.

And I'll give you another rectum.

See?

- So, are you coming with me? - No.

The champagne's calling.

Sorry about the car.

- Bit of polish, she'll be good as new. - Thanks.

I get you. There you go.

I want to know what went on with that guy!

I had you followed.

Wait one second. You spied on me?

- Yes. - What a start to married life!

- Help me out, Doctor. - Bob, you're beyond help.

You're the worst neurotic I ever met.

- And I know a lot of nut cases. - How dare you!

Bob, Mr. Kimbel, is a fine man. He's intelligent.

He's charming, he's funny and exceptionally masculine.

Thank you, Lisa. Could we add good-looking too?

But of course, Mr. Kimbel.

Shut it! Everyone!

You're all mad!

Every one of you!

This is not a goddamn talk show!

We have a problem.

Puzzo is here.

Get over it. I didn't like those shoes anyway.

Close all the doors, and check every room!

Great. I broke the chair.

It looks expensive. He'll flip out.

Julia.

Is everything okay?

- You seem fine to me. - I've nothing to say to you.

Is that the guy?

He tried it on with me too.

Lousy skirt chaser!

- You make me sick. - Can it wait?

It just so happens the coast is clear. Let's go.

Come on!

This isn't over. I demand satisfaction.

Listen, I'll just get us out. You and Julia won't see me again.

All right then.

Oh, and I do hope I didn't upset you the last time.

I find you very attractive.

There was just no future in it.

Just in case.

Aim first. Then shoot.

Hey! Not bad.

It's a handy little thing.

- Phallic symbol! - So what?

- Quiet! - Let's go!

- Did you get him? - Not yet.

I did tell you Toni's a sly fox.

Come on! This way, run!

There!

Perforate them!

Julia!

- Get off me! - Are you okay?

Quick, to the door. Over there!

Go!

Would you please just get off me now?

I'm not falling for the macho act again!

Crap.

Back to basics, then.

You're safe with me.

- Did I mention I hate you? - It will be fine, I promise.

You can marry Bob, and live in a huge house.

And make a load of baby Bobs!

I'm not marrying Bob.

We're not suited at all.

I had to meet a sleaze like you to realize it.

Plus,

This is too much!

Hey, Puzzo. I've got an offer for you.

Give me the book,

and only you die.

Hello, gentlemen.

Violence is wrong.

Let's discover what we have in common.

Shut it, you moron!

I have something to say.

My dear Bobfried.

Ever since I first saw you.

- Bobfried, since I first... - Wait, Lisa.

Okay, we get it. You're tough guys. And you can walk all over us.

But did you ever think we might fight back?

Lisa, what is it you wanted to say?

What now? Hello?

Honey, now isn't a good time. What's up?

Okay? Cinema?

Yes, sure, but no romantic lovey-dovey stuff.

Yeah, something with a bit of action.

Honey, I have to go.

I'm with clients.

That's enough!

Will you please teach your stupid honey

that there are to be no calls during business hours!

- Did he just insult my honey? - I'm afraid he did.

Forget the cow!

And finish him!

And now he just said "cow"?

- Did you miss? - No. Never do.

Thanks.

Just don't go poaching my work again.

Won't happen again. I'm changing jobs.

If you're in Munich, stop by.

You know, set your cell on vibrate.

It won't get in the way of work and can help circulation.

Everything's a mess.

My job. My life.

Who falls in love with someone called Enrico Puzzo?

- Julia, wait. - Tomorrow they'll see I'm a failure.

Julia, I said I'd fix everything, and I will.

Oh no!

Oh god. The presentation.

Golly!

Your dad will have a fit.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Julia, welcome. We were just talking about you.

Hello, Henry. Mr. Kimbel...

I knew I could trust you. That novel will be huge.

- Right Henry? - Absolutely.

Honest and poetic. Just like Enrico.

As our Julia knew all along.

I think I'll get myself another drink.

- Excuse me. - Of course.

- Are there any questions? - Yes, Mr. Puzzo.

You've been in hiding for years. What brought you out?

We all have to face tough decisions at some point.

Tell us about your past.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

I'm not even going to try to make excuses.

Let's just say somebody opened my eyes.

Sometimes the only thing you can change

is yourself.

How nice of you to join us. You're late, as I expected.

The very thought

of you running the company makes me nauseous.

- What's this? - The keys to the damn office.

And the bloody keys to your crappy car.

You can shove them up your ass.

- I want... - No.

- Let me... - I'm leaving, and you won't stop me.

And don't look at me like that, you fraudster.

That's precisely what I'm talking about.

What am I doing? I hate you.

What are you doing? Are you crazy? Let me go!

Thank you.

Shit. That's not right.

I bet Rick Kavanian can bungle this twice in a row,

without batting an eyelid.

I'll get a real job, a man's job. And when I come home after...

We'll have the martinis dry

and with two mandarins on the side

and a small snowman.

Surely not Larry!

Hey, hi.

Yes. Forgot my line. Shit.

Bob, Mr. Kimbel is a fine image of a man.

Intelligent.

Something else!

Just in case. First sh...

Shit. And then aim.

- If they knew who you were. - Nobody's looking at me.

Sorry! Sorry!

Enraptured by his... thing and his other thing.

And you're an actor? Writer. I mean dentist.

- What was it? - I'm certainly no actor.

- You're not an actor then? - No.

So we can all go then.