Original subtitles

(bird chirping) (wind whistling)

(suspenseful music)

(grunting)

(whacking)

(panting)

(pole clanging)

(whacking)

(intense music)

(machine revving)

(man groaning)

- Die, motherfucker.

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Yeah, that's my sister Vicki.

(sniffing)

- Kyle.

I know it's hard right now,

but I need to ask you a few questions.

- Yeah.

Sure, detective.

- Please call me Hal.

Okay.

I know this is hard, but did your sister--

- Why aren't you out there (suspenseful music)

trying to get this guy?

He killed my sister.

We can't just let him get away with what he did.

- He's dead, Kyle.

- What?

- Will, the guy with Vicki, he got that son of a bitch.

- No.

No, they didn't.

I've heard about these kinds of killings in another town.

They thought they got the guy then but they didn't.

- Do you want to see the God damn body, Kyle?

It's back there, what's left of it.

He killed that son of a bitch.

He's dead.

And why don't you go blow off some steam, alright?

- The things I've seen here, reporting.

They think that it's over, but it's not.

It's not some Satanic serial killer.

It's none of that bullshit.

I've seen this before.

And the killings aren't gonna stop.

Now the cops, they don't want you to know

that they have a suspect.

But it's not him.

It's never over.

(vomiting)

(ominous music)

(knocking on door)

(door creaking)

- What do you know?

- Excuse me?

- What do you know?

- Look, buddy.

This is my house, not yours.

And I don't give autographs here, so get lost.

- You said you've seen this before.

- Hey, look, look.

I just got done,

on the scene, the past week.

And seen a lot of murders.

So apparently I said some things that I didn't mean,

and apparently know nothing about.

It's no big deal.

The killings are probably over,

so can you please leave?

- My sister was murdered by whoever was behind this.

And like you said, I don't think he's dead.

In fact, I read about a couple other murders just like this

in another town.

- Look, it's not just one other town.

You gotta get in here.

(ominous music) (door creaking)

Here, look at that.

- [Kyle] What is this?

- It's proof.

For the past two months,

these killings have been happening in the exact same way.

Three towns hit, back to back to back,

then nothing for a week.

Then three towns are hit and then nothing.

And then, guess what?

Another three towns are hit.

All high body counts.

It's been happening for months.

The killings, they seem to be moving West.

- What do you mean the same killings?

- Read the coroner's reports.

All these deaths seem to be surgical.

All committed with the same blade.

Same kinds of towns. (steady ominous music)

All high body counts in each town.

26, 40, 36.

All within two days of each other.

Now, you're telling me,

that there just so happens to be

a different crazy ass serial killer in every town

deciding to kill the same way?

I don't think so.

Not on your fucking life, kid.

- How did you get the coroner reports?

- Look.

In my business, you learn to do a lot of favors.

And a lot of stealing.

Capiche?

- The cops I talked to said the killer's dead.

Do you think he is?

(chuckling)

- Oh buddy.

Your friend killed someone, alright.

He cut off the motherfucker's face with a lawnmower.

Was it the killer?

I don't know, you tell me.

- Why do you know all this?

- This is the first town of the fifth cycle.

I was originally the weather man,

of the first town of the first cycle.

Now, I moved here because I thought

that this town would be next.

And I was right.

I started researching this

when I first found the connection

between the first three towns.

And if I'm right,

which I usually am,

then this here,

little small town here in West Virginia,

is about to be fucked.

Well, metaphorically, at least,

'cause you can't actually fuck a town.

I guess, what I'm trying to say, look,

there's gonna be a lot of people who are gonna die.

- We need to tell the police.

- Oh buddy, I've tried and I've tried that.

Thing is, with police, they don't like to be wrong.

Now as far as the feds are concerned,

I don't know if they're covering it up or what.

Maybe they're just trying to figure it out like me.

But when it comes to local police, not too handy.

You want my advice?

Move to Utah.

At least you'll be safe until 2025.

That is, unless the killer picks up speed.

He is getting a lot better.

(ominous crescendo)

♪ What you fools know about MC Pink ♪

♪ I'll make you bank while you drink ♪

♪ From the pen that drips my ink ♪

♪ Gonna take my phone in your backbone ♪

♪ Straight through to your soul ♪

(birds chirping)

(doors slamming)

- Whether it be cold or damp,

we still gonna camp, niggas.

- Jesus, Sam, that's offensive.

We're all white.

- Damn, Carol.

The name's MC Pink.

Why don't you check out the ink?

- I hate you, Sam.

Marie, Doug.

Let's get a move-on.

- We're coming.

- Okay, let's keep all the tents and everything separate

so that when we--

- Okay guys, I have my herbal tea,

the aroma candles, a book on seances,

and some tarot cards so that we can predict our future.

- Marie, how many times do I have to tell you?

If it's not explainable by science,

it's not worth discussing.

- What?

What are you doing?

- For optimal moving around room,

the tents should be at least 15 feet apart.

- Doug, we don't have to be

that far apart from each other.

My spiritual guru says we'd be

more of a community if we were closer together.

- Are you sure we wanna be

that close to Sam's rapping, ever?

- Hey, whether out in the woods,

or deep in the hood, you know I'm the best rapper.

Bitch, I'm too good.

- Too good. (chuckling)

Really?

- Don't you ever stop speaking in rhyme?

- Hey show some respect when you speak to me.

It's my rhymes, they come indefatigably.

Oh.

- Okay, that one was good.

- Okay guys, I need to try out these new tarot cards.

- But we're only 26% finished

setting up our camp site. - I need to try them.

They're better than my other ones.

- What's different about them?

- The grand elder at the store that I go to

said that these were blessed

by the Salem witches years ago.

- You know there weren't any witches, right?

They were all falsely accused women.

- The chi in this area is perfect.

I'll definitely be able to make contact

with the other side.

- You know it's pronounced chi, right?

- Somebody draw 10 cards.

I'll tell our future.

- Judgment.

Death.

Wheel of fortune, cool.

But you dis on MC Pink.

You going into the fool. (chuckling)

Yeah.

- You're not supposed to look at them

before I read our future.

- Oh honey bun, that ain't as fun.

- God damn it Sam.

Pick 10 cards and shut up.

- The cards are saying that great romance is coming.

- Oh hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell-- - Probably not

if you keep this up.

- She's probably right.

- Great fortune would be here,

but great evil comes in from the East.

We're all with the great evil.

And two dark clouds are coming in the form of death.

- [Carol] Marie, stop scaring the children and help us.

- But it's real.

- So is this tent collapsing on us.

(electronic crescendo)

- How's the herbal tea, Doug?

- Mm, it's exactly 76 degrees,

and I can already feel the antioxidants.

- I'm glad you talked me into coming out here today.

It's been so fun.

I've just been really freaked out

about those killings in Rotary.

- I heard about that.

I wasn't able to make contact

with any of the victims.

It must have been brutal.

- 23 killings in 24 hours.

Kinda makes you think there's a body they never found.

- Well, the killer.

That makes 24.

- I heard the killer isn't dead.

He got some other guy.

- Killer want to come around here,

starting up that shit, that's fine.

I'll air out his chest with my motherfucking nine.

- Sam, you don't own a gun.

- Hey, fucking with me?

No man has ever dared.

But I'd be lying if I said MC Pink wasn't scared.

- True that.

I'm a little scared, too.

I mean, the chances of any of us being killed

by violent assault is one in 24,000,

but still it was only one town over.

And what if the killer is still alive?

I mean, the chances of any of us,

well, what's the population of this town?

- Doug, why would any of us know that?

- Well, I just thought that.

Well, alright, I guess you're right.

I'm the only person that would know that.

If I don't, why would any of you?

- I can't wait until tomorrow.

There's gonna be hiking, fishing,

water skiing, Sam talking in complete sentences

like a normal God damn person.

- Bitch, you know rhyming ain't no part time job.

And MC Pink's a pro.

Ain't no fucking slob.

You might could recogni--

ize.

Guys?

Guys?

Guys.

- Sam, get in the fucking tent.

You want to get your dick wet or not?

- Oh yeah.

(steady sensual music)

(tapping outside)

- Huh?

- What was that?

- Something's outside.

Doug set up the camp so nothing would fall

in the middle of the night.

It must be a bear.

- Oh shit.

- We should go out and commune with it.

- Oh Marie, you walk a fine line

between endearing and stupid.

You're lucky you have a sweet ass.

(ominous music)

- Sorry.

(record scratching)

- Come on, Carol, what the fuck? - Bitch, I don't care if you're gay.

You want to watch this shit, you gots to pay.

- Didn't you guys hear that?

- No, that was just Sam.

He always makes this noise when I reach around and--

- No, not your gay sex.

Someone is out here.

- We are.

- What?

- Doug, someone went through your stuff.

- Oh no, nothing better be out of place.

Oh God.

Everything's out of place.

- I don't like this.

- Well, we're not sleeping tonight.

- No, it was probably just an animal or something.

If it were a person, something would be stolen.

But it was probably just a deer messing around

and it just fell over, that's all.

- Don't care.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.

You need to go get more firewood.

- Why me?

- Because only the amazing Doug

can bring back the best grade A firewood.

The rest of us don't know what we're doing.

- So I've researched the topic.

It's not a crime.

- Look here, faggot.

- Flower, don't use that word.

- Never, never call me that in public.

- Yo no, no.

I've seen this in the movies.

Me and Doug will get the firewood together.

'Cause if any of us splits up,

we gonna end up dead and deader.

- Deader, really?

- We'll go get the firewood so you ladies are safe, okay?

- I got more balls than both of you combined.

- Carol, put your disgusting tits away.

We'll be back.

(ominous music)

- I'm starting to think that camping

in the middle of nowhere was a bad idea.

Who knew?

Well, at least my phone has a signal.

- Even with my connection with the forest, I'm scared.

Even great Gaia can't protect us from a man.

- Marie, how many times have I--

Nevermind, look.

It's just nerves.

We're all freaked out.

I'm sure everything's gonna be just fine.

(crickets chirping)

- Hey, don't you think it's funny

they made the two gay guys go get the wood?

- Well when it come to collecting timber,

yeah you know I'm that good.

MC Pink is the master of every kind of wood.

I mean dicks.

- Yep.

Jesus, I know what you meant, Sam.

God damn it, what happened to you?

I fell in love with Sam.

Then you started rapping, and your label got picked up.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's what you want to do,

and everyone loves you for it.

But I don't.

This is a rhyme, that's a rhyme.

You're rhyming all the time.

God damn it.

Now you've got me doing it.

You're this character.

I can't even call you by your real name in public anymore.

- Hey hey, look.

About all the others, I don't give a damn.

But you,

you can always call me Sam.

(ominous music)

Word?

(wailing)

- Carol, Marie, Carol.

- Doug, what's wrong?

- There's a killer, Sam's dead.

- Everyone in the car now.

- It won't start. (engine revving)

- What's wrong with it?

- Oh, there are eight possible reasons why.

- Don't care.

We need to call the cops.

- Oh.

- Oh what? - Your phone is in the tent.

- Well we need to get it. - Oh fuck that.

I'm not going outside.

I am not going outside.

- I'll do it, you woman.

(door slamming)

(eerie music) (ominous growling)

Okay Doug--

(screaming) (ominous music)

(door slamming) (crying)

Please work.

Please work.

Yes.

911.

Yes we have a huge emergency.

We're at Grand View Park.

There's a killer here.

Two of our friends are dead,

and we can't get the car started.

(ominous music)

10 minutes?

Please hurry.

I don't know if he's still out there.

(crying and yelling)

(suspenseful music)

(sirens wailing)

- Oh hey, Hal.

Usually you don't see detectives

outside of their jurisdiction.

Oh wait. You do, if they're working on the same case.

- How'd you find out about this?

- Police scanner, Hal.

You can buy anything on the internet.

- Kyle, you need to leave.

- No, I know there's something going on here,

and I deserve to know.

- Okay, look.

Basically, these kids got slaughtered.

But we have no reason to believe

it's tied to your sister's death.

- Oh, is that right?

I have every reason to think it's connected.

- There's no proof of that.

- Then why are you here?

- Oh I don't know,

because 24 people have been killed in the last day.

That kinda makes me the expert on serial killings.

So I came down here to consult.

And in my honest opinion,

my professional opinion,

these kids got fucked. (sirens wailing)

But I can't be sure,

because you're on my scene.

Now let me do my job.

- [Cop] Detective, the press is here.

- Oh God damn it.

Kyle, you have to get out of here.

I have to deal with the press.

Apparently one of these kids was a celebrity.

- This isn't over.

- Then get out of here and do something about it,

and let me do my job. (sirens wailing)

- Fucking iPhone.

Battery is always dead, God damn it.

(doors slamming)

(bells dinging) (light instrumental music)

- Did you get a hold of everybody?

- Oh yeah.

Everybody that would answer their phone

is gonna be there tonight.

- I still can't believe he's gone.

- MC Pink has sung his last rhyme.

- Today, we are going to celebrate his great life

by partying and drinking all day.

Also, by fucking some bitches.

(chuckling)

You said Jenny's gonna be there, right?

- Mm hmm.

- I'm gonna turn her tight end into a wide receiver.

- Yeah. - Ow.

- Oh I know what you mean, man.

I'm gonna wedge onto Kat's fairway,

and then I'm gonna flip her over,

and play the back nine.

I'm going to have sex with her,

and then I'm going to have anal sex with her.

- Oh okay.

Seriously, was that so hard?

- As hard as my three wood.

- Nobody cares about golf.

- We are going to drink.

We are going to listen to MC Pink.

And we are going to have a good time.

- Today is going to be awesome.

- Yeah.

(ominous music)

(steady eerie music)

(suspenseful music)

(door clicking)

(door creaking)

(water running)

(screaming) (intense music)

(birds chirping)

(car creaking)

(doors slamming)

- Jesus, Kat.

Your parents just gave you their second house?

- Yeah, they just filled in the pool and gave it to me.

But daddy's still fixing it up,

so his shit's still everywhere inside.

But I don't care.

We are staying there tonight, and we are celebrating it.

- I wish my parents had a second house they just gave me.

You're so well off.

- Thank you.

- That wasn't a compliment.

- From the rough, on 12, birdie in the hole.

- Whatever, man.

- I thought you were never coming back.

- [John] Oh you know I may go play a few holes,

but I always come back to the club house.

- So did you guys get those eggs like I asked, or what?

- Jesus, Adam.

Shut the hell up about eggs.

If you weren't my own brother, I'd kill you.

- You know what, Wanda?

You can't even deny that eggs are the perfect food.

They have so much protein that

the US Department of Agriculture

classified them as meat.

- Hey Jenny.

- Hey.

- We should go get the rest of the stuff.

You guys are gonna be cool here while we--

- I'll come help, fellas.

- Thanks, Pete.

- Anything I can get you, my little first lady?

- You realize you're president

of the most bullshit thing that exists, right?

- [Adam] Always a kidder.

- [Guy] I hope we got enough booze.

- [John] Oh we've got plenty.

- What do you want me to grab, guys?

Besides your votes this fall.

- Pete, nobody cares about being

student body president, except you.

- Yeah, the only person running against you

is a registered sex offender.

He's got a pretty impressive platform, though.

- I'm sorry guys.

It's just that being student body president

will open up a lot of doors for me,

so I have to take it seriously.

- Yeah, doors.

Close these.

(door slamming)

- My dad hates that I'm dating a Jewish guy.

It just makes him so mad, I love it.

- No it doesn't.

- You don't know my dad, Jen.

It is driving him insane.

- Your father loves John.

They went golfing yesterday.

Whenever they came back,

I even heard him say how amazing,

and nice, and great John is.

- Your father has a better relationship

with John than you do.

- You two just don't understand racism.

- That's because nobody at this party is racist.

Except you.

- So eggs scrambled with acidic fruits

were real popular in France during the 17th Century.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That is so interesting.

You know, if I'm reelected to student body president,

I'll make sure that there's more

egg dish options in the cafeteria.

- Yes, thank you.

You're the only one who gets me, man.

- Shoot the fucking ball.

- Damn it.

He makes every shot.

It's like being stuck in a sand trap

you can't get out of.

(high fiving)

- I'm gonna get with Jenny tonight, for sure.

Look at her.

She's so beautiful.

I think she has a thing for me.

- As irritating as it is

that Adam doesn't ever shut up about eggs,

you haven't shut up about Jenny

the entire time we've been out here.

(smooching)

- Ah.

(laughing)

- Good shot, Guy.

I guess that's why you catch the ball.

- You missed all your shots, too.

Or do you need to put the ping pong ball on a tee?

- Guys, it's okay, I'm fine.

- Of course you're fine.

It's a damn ping pong ball.

Take your shot. - It was a good shot.

It just failed.

- That's it.

I'm going to make my move.

- Oh no.

- Why did I say anything, why?

- Hey Jenny.

- Hey.

- Is that beer okay?

We tried not to get the cheap kind.

- Yeah, it's--

- I'm the wide receiver of the football team.

Means I'm awesome.

- You mean a wide receiver, right?

They kind of have more than one.

- I'm the fastest.

At everything.

Just watch.

- Wow.

Very impressive.

You're like, The Flash.

- How did you know that was my middle name?

- It's a comic--

Nevermind.

- Why is there no MC Pink playing?

This is the MC Pink afterlife party,

and we don't have any of his tunes playing.

- Oh, I got you guys covered.

Would you rather listen to MC Pink Like The Pussy,

or Fear of a Pink Planet?

- Oh oh oh, Pink Like The Pussy.

Oh, shit. - I forget.

Why are we friends again?

- Because she flies us places and takes us on boats.

- Right.

- Alright alright alright.

Everyone, you need to take out your cell phones,

and put 'em on the table.

- Why?

- 'Cause it's what MC Pink would have wanted.

Alright, he had a song on his first album.

It's called, Put Your Phones On The Table

So You Don't Use 'Em While I'm Singing, okay?

So this is for him.

(steady music)

- So Jenny, do you-- - Nope.

- Okay.

♪ MC Pink and my pops is whack ♪

♪ I buy my liquor in the front ♪

♪ Buy my crack in the back ♪

♪ Look like you brought a gun ♪

♪ To a God fight son ♪

♪ Behold, my guy gonna make them underwear ♪

♪ Stand up and run run ♪

- This is for you, MC Pink.

- We will never forget you.

- You guys don't seriously think he's dead, do you?

- Well yeah, idiot.

It was on the news.

- Of course it was on the news.

Some marketing ploy.

I faked my own death last year

just to win the election.

- What kind of school do you guys go to?

- He as an album coming out next week.

He's not dead.

- You know they record those CDs months in advance.

They do need time to edit the music.

- Whoa, Adam just said something

that didn't involve the word egg.

He must have cracked his shell.

- You know there's some really interesting

uses for egg shells-- - You killed the joke.

It's deader than your sex life.

- Look, even if he is dead, which he's not,

he rapped from the heart.

I heard he was gonna be the fourth Beastie Boy.

- Yeah, until they kicked him out

because he argued that partying

was more of a privilege than a right.

Only thing I never agreed with him on.

- He was beyond our time.

- Best gay rapper there ever was.

- What?

- I take it you didn't know that.

- That's not true.

That's impossible.

- Oh my God.

You know the guy Doug they always showed him

hanging out with?

That was his boyfriend.

- Manager.

It was his manager.

- What about the awards show after parties,

where they showed him dancing with

half naked muscular men?

- Wait, it says right here.

MC Pink Like The Pussy.

Not pink like, I'm a fag.

- What do you think the song,

Wrap Your Hand Around It, is about?

- A microphone.

- Wrap your hands around it, put it to your lips.

- Still a microphone.

- The stuff I like comes from the tip.

- Amplified sound.

His music.

- I heard they found him naked with a guy.

- I heard they found him naked with two chicks.

That's four breasts.

Does that sound gay to you?

- Guy, it's okay.

He's still a good rapper, just a gay one.

- No, we have to put it to a vote.

That'll decide.

- That won't decide anything.

- Whoever thinks MC Pink was gay,

raise your hand.

Okay, four.

Who thinks MC Pink was a real man?

Raise your hand.

Wait.

Four.

That's a tie. There are seven of us.

How does that happen?

- Pete, you are not making anyone happy

by voting for both sides.

- I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I vote early, and vote often.

♪ With our dicks out ♪ (record scratching)

- Oh my God, mom.

Shut the fuck up about your back.

I just want to play my video game.

(door slamming)

(upbeat rock music)

Hey Tim, what's up?

Yeah man, I just got MPL.

It's loading up right now.

I just had to get this game, man.

Yeah dude, MC Pink does a voiceover in it.

Alright, I'm skipping to cut scene, and,

oh dude, I just keyed a car.

Dude, (crashing)

I just kicked over some trash cans.

Man, you can do anything in this game.

- [Game Character] Bitch, I'm too good.

- Oh wow.

A group of black people.

I wonder if they'll accept me into their society.

- [Game Character] Hey, show some respect

when you speak-- (ominous music)

- Oh no. (guns firing)

Dude, dude I just died.

(mumbling)

(whacking)

- [John] Oh yeah, that's a beaut.

- I thought the most important part of golf

was the short game.

- No, the most important part of golf

is how far you can hit the ball.

- Oh wow, that almost makes it sound

like it's not a game for fags.

Almost.

- Guy, you couldn't play golf if you tried.

- You couldn't play anything else.

That's why you golf.

- Stop it, man.

You are driving our friendship into the rough.

Golf takes concentration, coordination, and--

- Money.

Daddy says you can't play golf

without money on the line.

- That's because your father

has a gambling problem. - No he doesn't.

Daddy only gambles with what he brings with him.

- When he took us to Vegas,

I saw him go to the ATM eight times.

He kept talking about how he had to beat the dealer,

and how unbelievable it was he was losing.

- He puts a limit on himself.

- Is that limit infinity?

- Alright, fine.

You think golf is a joke?

Let's make a little wager.

If you can drive this ball further than me,

you get to sleep with Jenny tonight.

- I never.

- Shut up, I've gotta see this.

- You're on, Tony.

- Tony?

- Like the golfer.

- Guy, did you just confuse Tiger Woods

and Tony the Tiger?

- Look, all those cereal boxes

are right next to each other in the store.

- Just let him do it.

It's gonna be great.

(laughing)

- That was a nice try, Guy.

Give me that.

- What are you talking about?

It went around the world.

- Sometimes, I swear you have to be pretending.

- I get to fuck Jenny tonight.

- No you don't.

Do you know what consent is?

- Yeah, that's where you climb a mountain.

That's where a plane goes up in the air.

- Do you mean, ascent?

- Whatever, Thesaurus bitch.

This sport sucks, anyway. - Hey.

- John, how much you bench press?

Captain of the golf team must be what,

400 pounds, right?

Oh wait, you don't bench anything.

I'm going to start the grill.

(birds chirping)

- Look, Guy.

- I will vote for you if you walk away right now.

- And let's go put the meat on the grill.

- Meat is murder.

- When did you become vegetarian?

Yesterday?

- No, I love murder.

- Bro bro bro, if you put some tin foil down,

we can make omelets.

- We are not making an omelet.

- Okay, well we can make poached eggs.

We can make Chinese steamed eggs.

We can make eggs on a hill.

Shit, we could even make dippy eggs.

It'll be great.

(whacking)

Egg.

(screaming) (ominous music)

(grunting)

- Fore, motherfucker.

Come on, let's get you out of here.

- Hey, why is Adam lying down?

(screaming)

- Oh my God.

What is going on?

- Lock all the doors and windows.

Now, go.

- Oh my God, that was amazing.

Who are you?

- My name's Kyle.

I need to get-- - Right now,

we need to get you first aid, okay?

Wanda.

(eerie music)

Wanda.

- Oh, yeah.

- Go get the pain pills and first aid kit.

I need to patch him up right now.

Oh, and get another shirt, too.

- Do you know what you're doing?

- I went to school to be an EMT.

You should be fine.

- Should I buy you a drink first?

Jesus.

- Shush.

Come on. Get this off of you.

Easy.

It doesn't look vital.

The knife didn't go deep enough

to actually cause any major damage.

- Kyle, who is that?

- I don't know.

He killed my sister.

- Why is he killing us?

- I don't know.

Apparently he's been doing this for months,

going from town to town to town.

- Who would do something like that?

- A crazy person, a sociopath,

a disgruntled postal worker.

Who cares?

He's outside right now with a machete.

- Pete, calm down.

Here, take this.

We've got 12 more boxes if you need another one.

(sighing)

- Okay, okay.

Let's just contact the authorities.

It's what any responsible citizen would do.

- Yeah, but I think all of the responsible citizens

left our phones outside on the table.

(ominous music)

- Oh no.

I have important campaign notes on that phone.

- Down.

- Which isn't important right now,

because people are in danger.

- That's fucking great.

Whose bright idea was it to leave the phones out there?

- I don't know.

It would be awfully stupid

if somebody suggested, hey,

let's leave our phones out on the table

because some song told us to.

- Fuck you.

- I'm sorry. - How about we have a nice chat with him, huh?

How about that?

- Fuck.

- Hey new guy. - Kyle.

- New guy, do you have a phone?

- Mine's dead. We've got no landline?

- Who the fuck has a landline?

- A lot of people who will survive the night.

- Congratulations, we all have testosterone.

Now can we get a plan together?

- I got the bleeding to stop.

And I got you somewhat patched up,

but you're gonna need stitches, and a hospital.

- I need to get that bastard.

- Just not yet, champ.

- Hey guys, can we fucking do something?

- Everyone just sit down.

- Sit down?

Why the fuck would we sit down?

So the killer could stab us easier?

- Do you know how many people die in horror movies?

They always do something stupid,

and they don't have a plan.

- Yeah, they usually don't know what's going on.

- Well we do.

So let's take advantage of that,

and actually make a plan.

- Alright, this is a great time

to showcase my leadership skills.

- Shut the fuck up.

- Kyle, you know more than we do,

and you're clearly more capable, so--

- Whoa whoa whoa.

Why are we getting this new guy to do battle plans?

We don't even know who he is.

For all we know, he could be another killer.

- Yes, Guy, that's brilliant.

Two fucking psychopaths show up here in the same day.

That's who Kyle is.

He's the killer's partner.

That's why he stabbed him in the chest with a machete.

Fucking teamwork.

- That's a good cover.

(sighing)

- Sometimes I feel like you don't even

try not to be a caricature.

- No, no that makes perfect sense.

I don't trust this guy.

- What the hell is wrong with you people?

He risked his life to save Jenny.

If he could be a killer,

then maybe we're all killers.

- Oh God.

Oh God, what if you are?

What if we all are?

I mean, of God, what if I killed Adam?

Oh God. (slapping)

- Seriously bitch, calm down.

- No, I want a real answer.

Him showing up when he did is just too convenient.

- I've been listening to your party for two hours.

- What?

- What, are you jerking off, you pervert?

- No.

Look.

I've been trying to find this guy all day.

I was following him, and everyone was dying.

I just need to kill that bastard.

When I was in the convenience store,

John and Captain of the douche squad here

were talking about a party.

I figured keeping an eye on a party of drunks

would be the best place to find a serial killer.

- Oh okay, I remember you now.

You were the guy that was really pissed

that you couldn't buy cigarettes.

- That was a 60 year old Hispanic man,

with one arm.

- Whatever, they all look alike.

- Convenience store patrons?

- Look, can we please focus here?

Can we just think?

I kinda want to live.

Alright, Kyle, shoot, what do we do?

- Alright.

Does anybody know that you're gone?

- Oh, my parents.

- Excellent.

- They're in Greece. - Worthless.

Nobody?

Alright.

Since nobody will notice you're gone,

step one becomes to notify the authorities.

Except we don't have a working phone amongst us.

- Wait, I can just run out there and grab a phone.

I can call the cops while I run, no problem.

I know that fucker can't catch me.

- Guy, that is a horrible plan.

- Jealous?

- What, no.

You could just go outside, storming out.

He can be just standing outside of the door,

waiting just to close on you with his machete.

- His plan might actually work,

but he would need a distraction.

- Okay, let's make a distraction then.

- Okay.

Everyone, who wants to go outside first

and be distraction for the asshole?

(ominous music)

Oh, look at that.

Your friends have so much faith in your success.

(clapping)

- Come on, Pete.

I'll get the whole team to vote for ya.

- No, I'm sorry, Guy.

I can't be president if I'm dead.

- But-- - Sit down.

Hey, hey ass munch.

Hey, is everything locked up?

- No one's getting inside this house without us knowing.

I even locked all the back windows.

Is that good enough for you, El Capitan?

- Alright, alright.

Now.

Will anyone notice that you're gone

without saying anything?

- I got tons of friends that don't know I'm gone.

- Guy, we are all of your friends.

The only other people who would care that you're missing

are the rest of the football team.

And they won't notice that something's up until practice,

which is Monday.

- What about all the chicks?

- Well this is fantastic.

I can't believe this is plan A.

Can't wait to hear plan B.

- My dad knows we're staying here.

So maybe if I don't text him tonight and say goodnight,

he might worry, but other than that.

- Thank you Jenny, for being the only

well adjusted human here.

Okay folks, that's our lifeline.

We just have to hope that Jenny's dad gets worried

and comes out here looking for us.

- Oh, that's plan B, wait all fucking night?

- If everything's locked up, we should be fine.

- Oh yeah, because none of these windows

can get broken.

Look, there's fucking seven of us, okay?

We can just run to the car.

He can't kill all of us.

- Oh, that's a great idea.

Hey, who wants to play Operation Human Shield

so that Kat can leave sooner?

- So we're just sitting ducks?

- If we go out there, we won't see him coming.

But if we stay in here and we tries to come in,

we'll all see him.

- We have enough caviar and booze

to last us 'til morning.

- Fuck you, cunt.

- Kat, sit down. - Whoa.

- Get your dirty Jew hands off me.

- Whoa. (suspenseful music)

- You are the biggest fucking pussy I have ever met.

Which is why you probably play golf,

because only a woman would think

those clubs are useful.

- It's a gentleman's game, bitch.

Just because your parents are rich,

you think you're above dying.

Well guess what?

You're stuck in here with the rest of us.

And no amount of money is gonna change that.

- Whatever.

I should've known you weren't a real man

from the first time I saw you,

with that little hat,

with the fucking pom pom on top of it.

- The country club has a dress code,

you rich fucking cunt.

- Oh, this is getting good.

- Well fine.

None of you are fucking man enough to go get help,

then I will.

- Kat.

- No.

- Somebody fucking stop her.

(screaming) (intense music)

(coughing)

- Guy's going to save us all.

- Shut the door.

- Guy.

Oh that fast son of a bitch.

- I think his plan might work.

There's no way the killer can catch him.

(gun firing)

- Why does he have a gun?

- To shoot people with.

- That's it, game over, man.

Game over.

- Okay. Well, I like the idea of making sure

the killer can't get in the house, waiting it out,

and making sure none of us do that ever again.

- I can't believe it.

Not Guy.

He always acted like he was invincible.

I guess I just started to believe it.

- John.

- John. I promise you, if we stay inside, we will be fine.

Right?

We'll be fine, right?

I'm sorry.

I just have trouble putting my trust

in other people's leadership.

But, you seem like a very capable individual.

And I believe that we will be fine,

and make it through the night.

- That makes one of us,

because I have no idea what's gonna happen.

- Oh God.

- Oh God, I knew it.

I knew it, we're all dead. - John, John.

Calm down, okay?

We're not all gonna die.

- Not all of us, but some of us might?

- We'll be fine.

We just need to be smart,

and don't do anything stupid.

- What Guy did wasn't stupid.

He was trying to fucking save us.

You don't call Kyle an idiot

for trying to save you.

- Hey, I'd give him a medal of honor if I could.

What he did was very brave.

But that does not change the fact

that he's dead right now.

So is Adam, so is Kat.

You saw the blood.

This is real.

Them gone, just like that. (snapping)

- Look, freaking out isn't going to help.

So far, his plan has been to wait outside for us.

So, if we say inside, we should be fine.

- What makes you say that?

- You know what happened at Rotary the other day.

- Rotary?

No, what happened there?

- Apparently this guy's been going from town to town,

each day, killing dozens of people.

He even fakes his own death,

and just moves on to the next town.

- Why?

Who would do that?

- I don't know what his motives are.

I just know that he thinks

that everyone must die.

I'm not a cop or anything.

I just know that he killed my sister,

and I want him dead.

I will say one thing, though.

He's persistent.

He's waiting outside for us now,

and he's gonna continue to wait, until we're all dead.

Or at least until half a dozen cops show up with guns.

- Hey, Pete.

Can I talk to you about something in the bedroom?

- Why in the bedroom?

- It's private.

- Yeah, okay. - Hey, don't be gone long.

- You got it, dad.

Also, I was holding that weed for a friend.

- Just hurry up.

- Alright, Kyle, let me check you out.

- Look, I know I'm incredibly handsome,

but you're coming on a bit strong.

- Oh shut it.

I'll definitely flirt with you,

just when we're not in mortal danger.

- If that's the case,

I'll go break that guy's neck right now.

- Alright big guy.

Just lean back so I can check the bandage, okay?

- Hey.

So.

Thanks.

- Well, thank you for saving my life.

- Any time.

- So, if you two are gonna fuck,

I get to watch, right?

- John, what the fuck?

- What?

He's a handsome man.

Plus, there's so much sexual tension in this room.

I'm getting kinda horny.

(laughing)

- This is the first time I laughed in days.

- Hey, so earlier, you said you weren't a cop

or a detective or anything,

but you really seem like one.

So what's your story?

- I joined the Marines right out of high school.

- Oh, thank you for your service.

- I didn't do anything.

I was stationed in Southern California.

I mowed the same patch of desert every week.

When I went on leave, I went to Disneyland.

I didn't do anything.

I mean, yeah.

I maybe learned some survival skills,

learned how to kill a man.

But nothing more.

- Alright, so are you still in the Marines now, or?

- No.

When my tour ended, I was out.

I just wanted to pay for art school,

since I didn't get a scholarship.

- Pro tip.

There's a lot of good scholarship money

in getting really good at a sport nobody plays.

- Well, thank you for being here.

- Look, I wasn't trying to do anything noble today.

That guy killed my sister and I wanted him dead.

I wasn't trying to save any other people.

I just want revenge.

- I don't care.

The fact is, you being here,

the odds of surviving got a lot higher.

I mean, for Christ sakes,

you took a machete for me.

I mean, don't you know how much that turns a girl on?

- Oh, I got it.

A lot.

- Well, I don't think I'll be

taking another machete for you.

So that one better last.

- Wanda.

What's wrong?

- There's something I have to tell you,

about what's been happening today.

- What?

- I--

- Look.

My little first lady can tell me anything.

- It's just that,

after everything that happened today,

seeing Adam dying, and then Kat die, and then Guy.

- Wanda, it's okay.

Today's been a horribly traumatic experience.

For all of us.

It's okay to be scared.

And I promise you, as soon as we get out of this,

I will get you the professional help that you need.

But until then,

the most important thing is to let it out,

to talk about it.

Don't let all these horrible feelings

stay inside of you.

- But I don't have any horrible feelings.

I don't understand.

It's just that--

- What are you talking about?

- What's wrong?

- What the fuck?

Why are you turned on?

- Seeing all that blood.

Watching their lives just end right in front of me.

I've been horny since Adam died.

- I cannot count the number of reasons

why that's screwed up.

I didn't know I was dating a disgusting necrophiliac.

- Okay number one, I'm trying to fuck you,

and you're still alive.

Number two, it's not like I knew about this before.

It's not like it happens when I go to the movies.

I haven't been around death before, 'til today.

And it feels so, so good.

- Look, I can't do this.

I just can't do this.

- Look, we're gonna be stuck in here all night,

and your girlfriend is begging for your dick.

So do you wanna go, or,

do you wanna cum?

- Okay.

- Alright, you need to drink up, alright?

You're dehydrated from all the blood loss.

- I don't know, man.

I'm just freaking out.

We're stuck in here waiting for God knows what.

Like in a horror movie, you know.

Something's gonna jump out at you.

And you know what's gonna happen,

but you just don't know when

and you don't know, ah. (tapping)

Fuck, fuck.

- Stop scaring the children.

- Look, I'm sorry.

- We're all freaked out right now.

We just need to wait it out.

- If my fucking phone could hold a charge, we'd be fine.

Could've called the police by now.

The charge only lasts for two hours.

- Sounds like you have an iPhone.

- It is.

- Wait what?

Wait, with you now?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God.

We've been idiots.

- Why are we idiots?

Come back.

- I have an iPhone, too.

Look what I have.

We're saved.

- Hole in motherfucking one.

Did somebody say, let's call the police,

and nobody else has to die tonight?

(laughing)

(intense rock music)

- No, I can't do it.

I can't do it. - What the hell? Don't be such a vag.

- Wanda, I'm sorry.

I just can't do this right now.

- What kind of a man are you?

- The kind that can't have sex

after his friends die.

- Get hard.

Get hard.

- It works less when you yell at it.

Look, Wanda.

Look, I'm sorry, Wanda.

I understand that we all have fetishes

that we can't explain.

Like the time we played intern.

But I'm sorry, I can't,

I just can't do this. I am just too scared right now.

(intense rock music)

(light ominous music)

- They'll be here in like 20 minutes.

They're gonna send SWAT and everything.

- 20 minutes?

Aren't there hookers that'll get here sooner than that?

- We're kind of in the middle of nowhere.

It's gonna take them a while.

They're out on patrol.

- I know, it's just the waiting in the hardest part.

- We're okay now.

We can wait 20 minutes.

- The killer's in the house.

- God damn it.

(suspenseful music)

(grunting)

- Grab the machete, now.

- How the fuck do you want me to do that?

- Are there knives in the kitchen?

- Not yet, go.

- Well what the fuck do you want us to do?

- Go.

(whacking) (grunting)

(splattering)

(intense rock music)

- I've never seen these golf clubs

used more than today.

(gun firing repeatedly)

(gun clicking) - Kyle, he's dead.

It's okay.

We did it, we're okay.

- [Wanda] What are you doing?

- I wanna see his face.

(light ominous music)

- How do you feel?

- Great.

- Who was he? (suspenseful music)

- He was just a man. (whacking)

Jenny.

Wanda, help her.

Jenny, Jenny.

What happened?

- I was stopping the blood.

- Well you pushed too hard.

You pushed too damn hard.

You strangled her.

- How was I supposed to know?

It's not like I've practiced

applying pressure to a neck wound.

It's not like you can just know this shit.

Look, I know, I get it, I killed a friend.

But can we deal with this guilt later?

We just gotta get the fuck out of here.

Let's get inside. - Are you crazy?

- Look, one of the killers is dead,

and the other one's already out here somewhere.

So inside should be the safest, right?

We just wait it out until the cops get here.

- One killer is inside, one just left.

There could be a third one, a fourth one.

We don't know how many there are.

Here, John's car is easier to get to.

We'll just take it.

Jenny had the keys, here.

Wait, wait.

Let me check the inside.

Everything's clear. Get in, come on.

(engine revving)

Of course they sabotaged it.

Maybe we can get to my car.

They didn't get it yet.

- What if you're wrong?

- Oh that's it, maybe I am.

And then we can just wait here and get stabbed.

That'd be great.

- Asshole.

Sarcasm hurts when it's on the other end.

- Let's just go, come on, fuck.

- Where are the bodies?

Why does he keep taking them?

(whacking) (suspenseful music)

- Hey asshole.

Why don't you finish what you started?

(grunting) (metal clanging)

(whacking) (grunting)

Not so tough without your machete, huh?

(grunting)

I can't believe that actually worked.

- Do it.

(metal clanging)

- Done.

And now,

our funeral.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Why did you do that?

- It's okay, Vicki.

I got him.

(sirens wailing)

(whacking)

(intense rock music)

♪ You know you want to ♪

♪ You know you have to ♪

♪ It looks so iffy and it feels so good ♪

♪ It looks so harmless so yeah I know you should ♪

♪ You know you need to ♪

♪ You know you gotta take a hammer ♪

♪ And pass the skulls ♪

♪ Down the ways of Broadway, fucked up wheels ♪

♪ So you got a problem ♪

♪ Yeah you got an itch that you wanna scratch ♪

♪ If you only know a cure ♪

♪ Is you crucify a pig ♪

♪ Or bite a crow ♪

♪ Here comes the thrill that you know you'll get ♪

♪ When the fun sets in when you're fucked up ♪

♪ Who's the fun one now ♪

♪ Everyone must die, everyone must die ♪

♪ Yeah you're sick in the head, you'll wind up dead ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ Everyone must die, everyone must die ♪

♪ Yeah you're sick in the head, you'll wind up dead ♪

♪ Everyone must die, go ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ You're sick in the head, you'll wind up dead ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

♪ Yeah you're sick in the head, you'll wind up dead ♪

♪ Everyone must die ♪

- [Winslow] Lawnmower, huh.

You think you're the only survivor out there?

Well, you've become part of a bigger universe.

You just don't know it yet.

- What are you talking about?

- [Winslow] You beat a highly trained, specialized killer.

How do you think you survived that night?

- What do you mean?

- [Winslow] There's a lot more of those killers out there.

A lot more.

And I'm here to offer you a job.

A good noble job.

One that pays so much fucking money,

that your wife shouldn't leave you.

But she does anyways.

- Who are you?

- I'm Carl Winslow, Chief of the Slasher Hunters,

and I'm here to tell you about

the Survivor Gene Initiative.

(ominous pounding)