Original subtitles

- * MTV *

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

* *

- [gibberish]

Bow down before the almighty bunghole!

[gibberish]

I am Cornholio.

I need TP for my bung-- aah!

- Put your hands behind your back.

- Are you threatening me? - Stop resisting.

- Throw the book at him, sirs.

[can hisses]

Take him to jail.

He's a weirdo, and no one likes him anyway.

- You must release the almighty bunghole.

You will unhand the mighty bunghole.

- [laughs] - I will resist!

I will resist! Unhand me!

Ah, ah! - Stop spitting.

- You must release me now! - Hey, no biting!

- Ah!

You will not restrain the almighty bunghole.

[grunting] Aah!

- Today we're going to be talking

about William Shakespeare's inspiring play about love,

"Romeo and Juliet,"

who were teenagers, just like you.

- Yeah, yeah. That's interesting, yeah.

Mm-hmm, yep. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah.

[laughs] Yeah.

Hey, Butt-Head.

Hey, Butt-Head, Butt-Head, wake up.

- [groans] Damn it, Beavis.

I told you to never wake me up.

This better be good.

- Butt-Head, that chick just looked at me.

[grunts]

Butt-Head, Butt-Head, she's doing it again.

- Uh, she's probably, like,

never seen a dumbass weirdo before,

so she wants to, like, check one out in person.

[laughs] - No, no, that's not it.

She's seen me before, yeah.

- Can everyone please focus, mm-kay?

They're kind of in the 1% of Verona.

They're also...

- Whoa, it's a note.

- Hm, lemme see that, Beavis.

Let's see here.

Hm. [laughs]

- Yeah, what's it say?

- Uh, it says I,

and then she drew, like, a butt.

[laughs]

Uh, and I think this is, like, the bottom of a foot.

Boy, she doesn't draw very good.

So it says, "I kick you in the ass."

[laughs]

She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis.

[laughs] - Wait a minute.

She's gonna kick my ass? Really?

- She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.

- Do you think she can kick my ass?

- She sure can, Beavis.

She's a weirdo just like you. [laughs]

She's got weirdo strength.

- Oh, no.

- Beavis and Butt-Head, what is going on back there?

- Uh, Beavis is having one of his outbursts again.

Time to call the police.

- [sighs]

Okay, I'm going to have to separate you two,

mm-kay?

Beavis, can you trade seats with Hector, please?

- Go ahead, Beavis. Sit in Hector's seat.

- Oh, boy. [chuckles]

[soft music]

* *

- Hi, Beavis.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

How's it goin'?

- Kick his ass.

[chuckles]

- But what makes "Romeo and Juliet" so universal

is the Bard's portrayal of love's excitement

and dangers, mm-kay?

- My name's Glennis.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

How's it going there, Glennis?

- [softly] I saw you in the cafeteria.

Everyone thinks you're weird.

They think I'm weird too.

Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

- Check it out.

Do you like it?

- Um, what's it say?

- Metallica. It's on your T-shirt.

- Um, oh, no, no.

No, I think it says, um, "medium" or something.

[laughs] Yeah, medium, yeah.

They're almost the same shape though, you know,

so you were close, you know?

Good job. - Okay, everyone, please focus.

And since you two star-crossed students

seem to be so interested,

perhaps you can share with us something about love.

Glennis, can you name something or someone you love?

- Um, there is someone.

But I'd rather not say.

- Mm-kay, that's fine.

And you, Beavis?

Do you have a great love in your life?

- Um, yeah, I don't really have feelings and stuff.

- Come on, Beavis.

There must be someone or something

that you feel deeply passionate about.

- Well, yeah, um,

yeah, now that you mentioned it,

there kind of is actually, you know?

Like, I have a love

that I can't stop thinking about.

And, um, and it gives me a special feeling, you know?

But I never told anyone about it

'cause I was afraid they won't understand.

Yeah. [laughs]

- Tell us who it is, Beavis.

Be brave like Juliet.

- Um, okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I will, yeah.

I will tell you, yeah.

Here it goes. Yeah.

Um, it's fire!

Yeah, fire!

Fire! [chuckles]

I love fire.

[both laugh]

- That kid is weird.

- Diana has in store for Denzel,

but he did not come to play.

- "But he did not come to play."

[laughs]

- Boy, he sucks.

[laughs] - What is this anyway?

- This is that show where they take a couple,

and then, like, they have 'em give each other tattoos,

but they can't see it until they're all done or something.

- Oh, my God!

- Another fine offering

from the good people at MTV.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's see what he got, yeah.

[dramatic music]

both: Three!

- Oh, my God. both: Two.

- [sighs] - One.

- I thought seconds were faster than that.

- Not when you're watching this show.

- [laughs] - [chortles]

- Nah.

- Uh... - What's that supposed to mean?

- Diarrhea?

- Whoa. [chuckles]

It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know?

Doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know?

I mean, I'm not doctor or anything, you know?

Just a fan, you know?

[laughs]

- Uh, wait a minute.

I think that's her name.

[both laugh]

- You know, it's not a bad name really, you know?

Um, because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue,

you know? [laughs]

Diarrhea Jones, yeah.

- Uh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis.

[chuckles] It flows out of your butt.

- You came in dirty as [bleep]. - [laughs]

Uh, okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her.

- I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.

- Uh, I think this also says "Diarrhea."

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah.

See, now that looks like diarrhea, yeah.

- Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea.

Well, that makes it easier.

[both laugh]

- [giggles]

- He's like, "Diarrhea,

will you make me the luckiest man in the world?"

- [laughing] I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea.

[chuckling] - Yes, yes!

- And then when they get married,

the priest is gonna be like,

"Diarrhea, do you take this man,

who I think's name is also Diarrhea,

to be your lawfully wedded husband,

for richer or poorer,

through sickness and, uh--

I guess just through sickness? [laughs]

- Through diarrhea and health.

[both laugh]

- They're honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.

[laughs]

- I do-doo. [chortles]

- They're so cute! Aw.

- This is what the bottom of the barrel looks like.

[both laugh]

- Oh, my God.

- So, um, so what happens

at the end of "Romeo and Juliet"?

- Damn it, Beavis, you better not be talking

about a play.

- Sorry, sorry about that. [police siren wailing]

- Uh, whoa.

What's going on?

- You know that weird girl in Van Driessen's class?

She burned down the honors trailer.

- Whoa, there she is.

- [exhales]

- Whoa, she's writing something, Butt-Head.

It's a line.

- Uh, that means "I."

- And then there's a butt again.

And, um, and that looks like, um,

like some kind of face or something.

[laughs] - Uh, it's a head.

- Butt-Head.

That's me. [laughs]

- Oh, do you think that means she wants you?

- Probably.

Maybe if she had actually kicked your ass

I'd have noticed her more.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's too bad she's going to jail

because you probably could have scored with her.

- Yeah, but who cares?

Lots of chicks wanna score with me.

It's because I'm not a weirdo like you, Beavis.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But, um, but if all these chicks like you,

how come you've never scored?

[laughs] - It is a mystery, Beavis.

Nobody knows.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right, yeah. [laughs]

[engine turning over]

[siren wailing]

- She wanted my schlong.

[both laugh]

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

[rock music]

* *

- Welcome to the West Texas Nature Preserve, mm-kay?

So before we get started, interesting fact:

We're just a few hundred feet away

from the New Mexico border,

which is in the Mountain Time Zone.

So if you go up the road just a bit,

it's an hour earlier.

- Whoa.

- So we can, like, travel through time?

- Well, no. That's not how it works.

It's just a different time zone.

- Whoa.

Did you hear that, Beavis?

He said we can travel to future time zones.

- Cool, yeah, yeah. [both laugh]

Let's go.

- Now, if you keep your eyes peeled,

you can see up to two kinds of cactus.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Beavis, on the other side of that sign

lies an hour in the future.

Whoa. - [laughs]

- A place few people will ever go.

Well, here we are.

- Cool.

It feels advanced or something.

So, um, so what do you wanna do here in the future?

- Uh, let's go in there and get a hot dog.

[laughs] - Um, I'm not hungry yet.

- Uh, then let's go another hour in the future

when it's lunchtime.

- Oh, yeah. Good idea, yeah.

This is cool. - Just go around here.

- It's gonna be cool. [laughs]

- There we go.

- Yeah, that's better.

Yeah, now I'm starving.

I think.

- This hot dog is full of things not known

to our time.

- [chuckles]

Oh, damn it.

- Don't worry, Beavis.

We can just, like, go back in time an hour

to before it got the germs on it.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cool.

[chortles]

[both laugh]

- There we go.

- It's amazing no one else has thought of this.

- Most people are stupid, Beavis.

It's a fact. - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's better.

No germs.

- Hey, you gotta pay for those.

- Uh, sir, don't worry.

In the future, we will get some money,

and then we will go back in time

and pay for this an hour ago.

Remember? [laughs]

- Ow! [grunts] - Damn it.

Boy, for a guy in the future,

he doesn't understand time travel.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I thought people in the future

were supposed to be smart.

Jesus.

[Jacob Sartorius' "Chapstick"]

- * I wore that hoodie to school this morning *

- [laughs]

- White people.

[chuckles]

- This is like a boy band,

but with just one person, yeah.

- Yeah, and he actually is a boy.

- Yeah, he looks like he's 11.

[both laugh]

Yeah, check this out, Butt-Head.

[laughs] Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, this kid, he's young, you know?

You know, and he says like, uh,

"Hey, you wanna come back to my crib?"

He means an actual crib, you know what I'm saying?

He's young, you know?

- [laughs]

You're in rare form today, Beavis.

- Yeah, I mean, I don't wanna say he's young, but, uh,

you know, this chick thinks he's got wood,

but it's just his diaper's full, you know?

And he's young, this kid, you know?

Hey-yo! [both laugh]

- * Nothing between us but Chapstick *

- Uh, isn't it, like, illegal for a girl her age

to be with a kid his age?

[chortles] - Yeah, yeah, really.

He's a victim. [laughs]

- [chuckles]

- He's wearing headphones, so he doesn't have to listen

to this crap.

- Yeah, they should let us listen

to whatever he's listening to.

- They're playing Mozart

to help with his brain development.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, it's not working.

- * Between us but Chapstick *

- "Nothing between us but Chapstick,"

what's that even mean?

- Well, I'll tell you one thing

that's not between 'em, pubic hair.

[both laugh]

- Uh, come on, Butt-Head. That's kind of mean.

- Uh, I don't care.

He's rich,

and he gets to score when he's 11.

[chuckles]

He'll be just fine.

[laughs]

Uh, let's go to the future and see if future chicks have,

like, loosened up any about wanting to score.

- Um, I'm gonna go backwards,

so I don't go too far into the future.

I don't wanna get, like, eaten by a robot or something.

- Uh, good thinking, Beavis.

- Aah, aah! - [laughs]

- Uh, damn it.

I think I broke my arm, Butt-Head.

[cracks] Ow.

- Nothing to worry about, Beavis.

Let's just go back an hour to before you broke it.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Ow.

Yeah, I think it feels better or something.

Yeah. [laughs]

Ow.

- Whoa, check it out, Beavis. Future chicks.

- I can drive until we get to Midland if you want.

- Uh, hey, future baby.

[laughs] [arm cracks]

- We're from, like, a bygone era.

- We would like to score with you.

- [laughs] - In the future.

- Oh, my God, what happened to your arm?

- Oh, um, I'm gonna break it later.

Yeah.

It's really gonna hurt in an hour.

Whoa, I gotta sit down here.

- Damn it, Beavis. You're messing up my game.

Let's go back in time an hour and do this again.

And don't screw it up this time.

- Okay, okay, yeah.

- Now this time let me do all the talking, dumbass.

- Hey, thanks for the coffee, hon.

- Now what do we do, Butt-Head?

It's like we went too far back in time

to when they had boyfriends or something.

- Beavis, mark my words:

we will travel through time until we find the part

of human history where we can score.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

[laughs] Boi-oi-oi--ahh!

- We just have to keep going back in time

until before those chicks met their boyfriends.

[laughs] - Um, okay, yeah.

Um, think we're there yet?

- Uh, probably. [laughs]

Just a little further to make sure.

- I just wanna be careful not to go too far back

to, like, before they were born.

- I'm gonna go back in time to before you were born

and do your mom.

- That's not funny, Butt-Head.

Come on. Don't do that.

- [laughs] - I'm gonna be your dad.

- Yeah, shut up!

Come back here!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

- Run along, little Beavis.

Your mother and I need some alone time.

- Stop going back in time, butthole!

Come here!

Whoa. I'm getting dizzy.

- Must be the time travel.

- I'm gonna kick your ass.

Quit moving around in circles.

Son of a bitch. - [grunts]

- Ow, ow, ow, my arm! Ahh, ahh!

- Uh, damn it. - [chuckles]

Um, uh, Butt-Head?

Where are we?

Where's that sign?

- Uh, it's gone.

[laughs]

Beavis, we're trapped in the past.

- Oh, boy. [laughs]

[light music]

Oh, cool, yeah.

Yeah, Shark Week kicks ass.

[laughs]

- It sure does.

[laughs]

- You know what I always wondered?

Where is the shark's butt, you know?

You just don't see anything back there, you know?

- Well, I'm glad you asked, Beavis.

The bull shark doesn't have a butt.

It has an anus,

which is located in the sub-schlongal region.

[laughs]

Just near the testicular mesiphries.

[chuckles]

- Oh, wow.

Wow, that's interesting, Butt-Head.

How do you know so much about sharks?

- Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week,

I, like, pay attention and stuff.

Like, did you know at one time 75% of the Earth's surface

was covered with sharks?

- Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know.

That seems like a lot, Butt-Head.

- It's true, Beavis.

And if they ever stop swimming, they score.

[laughs] - Really?

I mean, why do they swim at all?

- It is a mystery, Beavis.

We don't know.

Also, a shark can go like six months without water.

- That's amazing.

You know what I don't understand is, um,

they always have, like, those little fish

that are, like, following 'em around, you know?

Like, right on their wings or whatever.

- Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish.

[laughs]

Also known as the Wuss Fish.

Much like the Land Beavis,

it follows around someone much cooler than itself.

[laughs]

- Shut up, Butt-Head! Come on.

- This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis.

The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.

- Come on, Butt-Head. Come on.

- It has done it with whales, octopuses,

penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat,

you name it.

If it swims, she'll do it.

- Come on, Butt-Head. That's enough.

- Uh, okay, just one more. [chuckles]

- No, Butt-Head. Come on.

You're gonna thank me, Beavis.

It's a good one.

- Okay, okay, okay.

One more and that's all.

- She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, yeah.

I guess you were right, Butt-Head.

[both laugh]

- Oral reef. [laughs]

So, like, um, where's the bus?

- I think the bus hasn't been invented yet.

[both laugh] - Damn it.

That sucks.

How are we gonna get home?

- Our home is gone, dumbass.

I think we went back like a hundred years

to caveman times.

- Yeah, well, um, let's go find a cave to live in.

Maybe one that has a TV or something.

[laughs]

- I'm gonna score with a gorilla.

- And I'm gonna invent fire, yeah.

- I'm gonna score with that long-time-ago chick

with the leaf on her thingy.

- Um, can I score with the gorilla then?

[laughs]

- Uh, no.

I get both.

- Damn it. That sucks.

- I know it's late,

but we can't leave until everyone is on the bus.

Has anyone seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

No one has seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

Not one person?

Come on, guys. Think.

Not one person's seen Beavis and Butt-Head?

[rock music]

* *

- Chirp.