Original subtitles

- * MTV *

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

* *

[tranquil music]

[ethereal shimmering]

- Greetings, lowly mortals. I am Smart Butt-Head.

- And I am Smart Beavis.

- We speak to you from our newest purchase,

a beachfront property on your moon,

which we bought from a hot single in our area.

- Um, Smart Butt-Head, I do not see the beach.

- Hm. [device chimes]

And Melody1998 is not answering her communicator.

This is displeasing.

- Hm, yes, yes, perhaps she is too lonely.

In the meantime, let us turn our eyes upon the Earth

and the most fascinating of all realities,

the alternate universe in which Beavis and Butt-Head

are in middle age.

- Your puny brains cannot possibly understand

what you are about to see, but do your best

while we search for Melody1998.

- Yes, yes, and the beach on the moon, yes.

* *

- Um, Butt-Head, this couch has a spring sticking out

right next to my bunghole. - Uh, I don't care.

[chuckles] - Okay, yeah.

Yeah, that's pretty cool. [chuckles]

- Ugh, boy, this beer is good today.

Likes me some beer.

- [chuckles] Over here.

[chuckles]

Ah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

- What the hell do you think you're doing, Beavis?

- I'm gonna sit here from now on, Butt-Head.

[chuckles] - The hell you say?

- Yes, I am. You go sit on the spring side.

Your butt's so big, you won't even notice.

[chuckles]

- Okay, Beavis, I'll just wait for you to go take a whiz,

and then I'll take it back, dumbass.

[chuckles]

- Nope, I'm not gonna take a whiz, never.

[chuckles]

Never gonna whiz. [chuckles]

- Have another beer, Beavis. - Don't mind if I do.

[chuckles]

Because I'm never gonna pee. [chuckles]

[grumbling] Ah.

- Good morning, Beavis. How's your bladder?

- [grunts]

Never felt better, yep. Just fine.

[chuckles]

[shivering and grumbling]

- Look at the waterfall, Beavis, gently pouring down

like pee coming out of a wiener.

- [shivering and grumbling] - [sighs]

Just let it go. - Ugh, ugh.

- [chuckles] - Damn it.

Don't need to take a whiz. Nope, no thank you.

[chuckles]

Hm, mm, yeah, hm, mm.

- Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.

- Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole!

I will never have to pee because when you were asleep,

I put a chip clip on my wiener! [chuckles]

Yeah, I win!

I finally beat you at something, yeah!

[guts pop]

[screams] Ah, my kidneys!

[coughing] [screams]

- Ah, that's better. [chuckles]

- Both of this man's kidneys popped like balloons.

I've never seen anything like it.

If he doesn't get a transplant immediately,

he'll die.

- [slurping]

Uh, okay. [chuckles]

- What's your pain level on a scale of one to ten?

- Ugh, oh...

69.

[both chuckle]

- That's very high.

If we can't find a kidney donor match

for him soon, we're going to have to send him to hospice.

- [groaning] [coughs]

- Yes?

- You said piss. [coughs]

- [chuckles] - Oh, ah.

- That's right, buddy, I did. Hang in there.

- Would you like to be tested

to see if you can donate your kidney to your friend?

- Uh, no.

- We found a match.

There's only one in the entire state,

and, by God, we found him. - Is he willing to donate?

- He drove himself two hours to get here,

and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can.

In fact, he says he knows the both of you.

- Hey, guys, it's me Stewart. Remember me?

- Uh, no.

- Stewart, your best buddy from high school.

- Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

That sucks. [chuckles]

- [laughs] You guys.

The three amigos are back!

- Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now.

I'm waiting for some guy both of us know

to give me a kidney.

- No, this is your donor. - [chuckles]

A part of Stewart is going inside you.

[chuckles] - Oh, no.

Oh.

- [laughs] Oh, boy.

The three of us used to have some fun together,

didn't we? - Uh, no.

- You know, I was worried about donating a kidney

'cause I'm still young, and I've got the triplets,

but I'm gonna do it because we were such good friends.

- [clears throat] [coughs]

Um, we weren't friends. [coughs weakly]

- Aww, you guys. Nothing's changed.

Though I know if the situation were reversed,

you'd do it for me. - Wait, wait.

I don't have to do something for you, do I?

- Well, no. - Oh, good, good, good.

That's better. [chuckles]

- Beavis, if this is the last time I talk to you,

I want you to know...

I did your mom. [chuckles]

- [grumbling] Yeah, yeah.

Um, Butt-Head, I don't want a part of Stewart in me.

Look at him. What if I start to suck?

[chuckles] I'm scared.

- Hey, um, you know what?

I'm beginning to have second thoughts

about this whole-- - Okay, shh.

Count backwards from ten. - Hey, hey, um, um--

[snores]

- And now you count backwards from ten.

- Ten, um, eight or something,

five, I don't know, W.

I am the great Cornholio. [chuckles]

TP. Yes, yes, TP.

* *

[Tyler, The Creator's "See You Again"]

- * You live in my dream state *

- Um, is this Tyler, The Creator?

[chuckles] - Uh, yeah.

[chuckles]

- I mean, he's cool and everything,

but, um, he kind of needs a better name, you know?

[chuckles]

- If I was gonna be one of these guys,

I'd be, like, Butt-Head, The Scorer.

[both chuckling]

- I'd be Beavis, The Mutilator. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- You'd be Beavis, The Monkey Spanker.

[chuckles]

- I guess it has a nice ring to it.

[chuckles]

It's not my first choice, you know, but, uh...

- * Can I get a kiss? *

* And can you make it last forever? *

- If I was stranded on a lifeboat with that girl,

I'd be like, "Hey, baby, you ever do it on a boat

with three dudes in raincoats masturbating?"

[laughs]

- Yeah, make that four. [giggles]

- Damn it, Beavis. [chuckles]

You're messing up my flow again.

- * Okay, okay, okay, okay dokey *

- What country's army is this? [chuckles]

- I think it's, like, Europe.

[chuckles]

Tyler, The Creator's gonna overthrow America.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, I think he should overthrow America, you know?

Because he's got a lot of good ideas, you know,

and he's not like these other politicians, you know?

He tells it like it is, you know?

And he's concerned about my tax dollars,

and he says all the things that everyone else is afraid

to say, you know? [chuckles]

- Whoa, he's stepping on the army's heads.

- Yeah, yeah, exactly.

All these politicians,

they don't have the guts to step on people's heads.

And all these fat cats in Washington

and these companies in bed with the corporations

and the councils of representatives.

[chuckles]

He's in bed with chicks.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

He'll drain the swamp.

- Yeah, then he'll drain the main vein.

[chuckles]

See, he's just like us.

He puts on a Charlie Brown ghost outfit, you know?

And see, now he's turning into bees,

you know? Just like us.

[chuckles]

Like a working man do. [chuckles]

- Uh, so you'd vote for this guy?

- No, no, no.

No, I'm not gonna vote. No, no.

It seems like a big hassle, you know?

You know, I always say... [chuckles]

"Don't blame me, I didn't vote."

[chuckles]

- I don't know why I was so worried.

The operation was a success, and now we're not just friends.

We're blood brothers. - This sucks.

- I think that's worth a little dialysis here and there, huh?

I would toast to the three amigos,

but Beavis and I can't have alcohol

because of our kidney, so Butt-head,

you'll have to have an extra glass for us.

[chuckles - Oh, God.

- Anyway, after I left Highland,

I kind of bounced around for, like, six years,

but now I'm doing great.

You are looking at junior administrator

at Basco Mortgage. You guys heard of it?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- Well, next time you want to buy a house,

I can get you half a point below prime.

[bottle pops]

I mean, I gotta ask Mr. Basco first,

but he's cool. He totally--

Uh, yeah, no. No, no, no, no.

Amigo, oh, uh, hey, you can't do that, Beavis.

The alcohol will mess up my-- hey, stop it.

That's my kidney in there.

- [sighs] Yeah.

[guts pop] Ow!

Finally. [chuckles]

That kidney sucked. [chuckles]

Well, here you go.

I don't need this chip clip anymore.

[sighs]

- That was my kidney. - Your organ blew up.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah. - Uh, another bottle, sir.

The guy who sucks is paying.

- Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

Hey, Stewart, do you know anyone cool who has a kidney?

[rock music]

[rock music]

* *

[bell rings]

- Well, I hope to see everyone tonight

at the school dance.

The Dance Committee worked really hard

decorating the gym, okay?

- Hey, are you dorks going to the dance?

- Uh, no. [chuckles]

We're gonna drink beer and kick some ass.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, drinking beer and kicking ass.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Um, Butt-Head, we don't have any beer.

We don't have any ass either.

- Go kick that grasshopper's ass

while I figure out how to get some beer.

[chuckles]

- Okay, um... [chuckles]

Let's see, um...

which part is his ass? Okay, here we go.

[grunts]

[grasshopper buzzing]

[screaming] Butt-Head, help!

- You got some insect pests in your lot there, do you?

- Uh, can you, like, shut up? [chuckles]

Beavis is trying to kick this bug's ass.

- Well, that's not gonna get rid of 'em.

You need some pesticide. Here, follow me.

Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore

because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists,

so I drove down to Mexico

and got some good, old fashioned DDT.

It's getting so Mexico is the only place

you can be an American anymore.

Yeah, just don't touch it now. It's real poisonous.

- [chuckles] What is that stuff?

- Uh, well, let's see.

That says something in Spanish. Uh, and that's a fly.

Whoa, Spanish, fly.

This is Spanish fly.

- Um, and what's that? [chuckles]

- That's, like, a "after-disiac"

[chuckles]

It, like, makes people who want to drink it

want to score. [chuckles]

- Yeah, but I already want to score.

[chuckles]

- So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be

a better world if everyone was like us?

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, then everyone

would be scoring all the time.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Beavis, we could make the world a better place.

[metal barrel thuds]

- Those are two good boys out there, I tell you what.

Not like those other two who live around here,

Travis and Burt.

- Mm-hmm.

- This is gonna be cool.

- Before we set off on our journey,

let's relax and get comfortable.

You may notice your breath.

- You may notice your breath. [chuckles]

Boy, this guy is a creepy perv. [chuckles]

- You may notice your head and neck

relaxing onto your pillow...

- You may notice yourself

watching a horrible, boring video that sucks.

This reminds me of that pervy guy

at the model train store that always takes you camping.

- Shut up, Butt-Head. He's not pervy.

- [chuckles]

And you may not notice my hands

even getting lower. [chuckles]

- Shut up, Butt-Head.

He's just a little handsy. [chuckles]

You know, he just likes to sniff hair

and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know.

[chuckles]

- This evening on the way to sleep,

we'll be travelling from Rouen to Evreux.

- We'll be traveling from "rugh" to "abugh"

[chuckles]

- Yeah, and we'll be stopping off

at "bleugh-ugh"... [chuckles]

To use the bathroom and have a shake or something.

[chuckles]

What language is that? [chuckles]

- Uh, I think it's, like, French.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- I think, to speak French, you have to, like,

drink a bunch of milk and get all this, like,

phlegm in your throat so you can start going

[uttering throaty nonsense syllables]

- [chuckles] Yeah, yeah.

[uttering throaty nonsense syllables]

- Whoa, that's pretty good, Beavis.

Where did you learn to do that? [chuckles]

- Um, my grandpa used to speak French

when he got up in the morning.

He'd be like... [coughing]

And also, like, once a week when he was locked

in the room with Grandma.

[grunting]

Ooh, ah, ooh. [coughs]

Bleh, bleh, ugh, ugh!

- Uh, so what does that mean?

- I think he was saying, like, "This sucks" or something.

[both chuckling]

[both chuckling]

- Spanish fly is cool. [chuckles]

- [chuckles] - [grunts]

- [chuckles]

[both grunting]

- I think it, like, melted my shoe or something.

- You won't need that shoe when you score, Beavis.

- Yeah, everyone in the school is gonna drink this stuff,

and then everyone is gonna score.

[chuckles] Yeah.

- Shoes will become a thing of the past.

- Yeah, yeah, and pants too. [chuckles]

- They will call us heroes. [chuckles]

- You know, Butt-Head, I just wanna say, um,

it feels really good to do something nice

for other people. You know what I mean?

Now let's give it a little flavor here.

[punch hisses]

Huh. [chuckles]

Where'd it go?

Um, I think my foot is bleeding.

[pop music]

- Just look at all those people, Beavis.

They have no idea that tonight they shall score.

[chuckles]

This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.

- I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah.

[chuckles]

Just feels good to do it, you know?

[chuckles] - That's right, Beavis.

Everyone having sex with each other

right here in the gym will be its own reward.

- Yeah, yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckling]

Um, Butt-Head, do you think it might run out later,

and then we don't get any, and then we don't get to score?

- Uh, I don't know. [chuckles]

I'm gonna have a little now just in case.

[coughs] Ugh.

- Good idea. [chuckles]

[coughing] Ooh!

[clears throat]

Um, Butt-Head, it doesn't taste very good.

- That's the taste of scoring, dumbass,

and if you don't like it,

then maybe scoring's not for you.

[coughs] Ugh!

- No. [coughs]

No, I like it. It tastes good.

I think it was just that damn orange

I put in there. [coughs]

Yeah, that's good. [coughs]

I think it's, like, scoring in my mouth

or something maybe. I don't know, hm.

- Uh, you drank more than me, butthole.

[chuckles] [coughs]

Now we're even. - No way, Butt-Head!

That was more than me!

Ugh, ah! [coughs]

Now we're even, yeah. - No, we're not.

You didn't count that stuff that was on your shoe.

- No way, Butt-Head, that's not fair.

[both coughing]

[both groaning]

- Uh, I don't feel so good.

[chuckles] - Yeah, me too, yeah.

[chuckles]

Maybe we'll feel better after we score.

[sighs] - Oh, yeah.

[chuckles]

Help yourself to some punch, ladies.

It'll make the world a better place.

Uh, wait a minute,

some greedy butthole drank it all.

- You know, you know, some people just don't care

about others, you know? It's sad.

[chuckles]

- Oh, what happened to the festive punch I made?

There was organic apple juice in it and--

- [retches]

- [retching]

- Oh, my.

[Benee's "Supalonely"]

- [chuckles]

Breakfast sucks. [chuckles]

- I mean, it's not my favorite meal,

but, um, I'd say it's in my top three.

- * I don't wanna seem it *

* I don't wanna *

- She needs, like, more auto-tune on her voice.

- Yeah, I don't think that's auto-tune, Butt-Head.

That's just the way she sings. I can do that.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, really?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, anyone can do it.

Yeah, yeah, check it out. [chuckles]

* This video sucks *

See? [chuckles]

- Whoa. How do you do that?

[chuckles]

- You know, you just sort of, like, um...

you just sort of do an auto-tune thing, you know?

You just kind of go like...

* Why is she in the bathtub *

* With her clothes *

* On? *

- Uh, hm.

Let me try it. [chuckles]

* Why *

* Is this chick in the bathtub *

* With her clothes on? *

- No, no, you're not doing it right, Butt-Head.

- That sounded as good as yours.

- No, no, it didn't. Sorry, Butt-Head, it didn't.

[chuckles]

- Uh, yeah, it was. Shut up, dumbass.

[chuckles]

- I can show you how to do it.

You just want to, like, move your throat

and, like, your lips and your mouth

and kind of change the notes in the--

well, like this. Watch really close here, okay?

* This chick *

* Is pretty hot *

* Boi-oi-oing *

[both chuckle]

- * This chick is pretty hot *

* Boi-oi-oing *

[chuckles]

- Ooh, that was horrible, Butt-head.

- Damn it, Beavis,

I'm gonna auto-tune the backside of your head.

- * No, you won't *

[screams melodically]

- Whoa, that sounded pretty good, Beavis.

I'm gonna try it again.

[flesh thwacks] Ugh!

[screams melodically]

- The DDT gave them massive brain damage.

It's amazing they have enough brain function

to still be alive.

- Actually, Doctor, these scans are from before

they drank the DDT.

These boys were here a month ago

to have objects removed from their nasal cavities.

- Uh, those were army men, yeah.

[both chuckle weakly]

- They made the ultimate sacrifice.

[chuckles weakly]

[coughs]

- Oh, then I guess we're done here.

- Oh, boy. [grumbles]

Nobody scored, did they Butt-Head?

[chuckles]

- No. [chuckles]

But at least we learned a lesson.

[chuckles]

- That doing things for other people sucks?

[chuckles]

- Yep, but don't worry, Beavis.

We will never do it again as long as we live.

[chuckles]

- Amen, yeah. [chuckles]

[machines emitting droning tones]

[rock music]

* *

- Chirp.