Original subtitles

Hi Michael, it's Linda from Manhattan Realty.

Congratulations on selling the apartment.

Sorry we couldn't get your asking price,

but selling any two-bedroom on the.

Upper West Side in this market is a victory.

You should feel great.

Good luck in your new place.

Can you spare some change miss, miss?

Please?

Excuse me, can you spare some change, please, sir?

Sorry, bro.

I bet you are.

It's Christmas time and you can't

spare not even a quarter, right?

I am $600,000 in debt.

Damn.

You want some sticky rice?

No, thanks.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to bother you, but, um, are you Michael Shiver?

Yeah.

Oh, my god!

I loved Fall.

I must have read it like 10 times

my senior year in high school.

Thanks.

Why haven't you written another book since?

I did, two actually.

Oh.

Okay.

I don't mean to be rude, but I got to,

I got to go, so.

Okay, thank you for writing those books.

Did they wind up together in the end?

It's so ambiguous, it always killed me.

What do you think?

I think they did.

Then I guess they did.

How is your new manuscript selling, by the way?

It's not, it's not.

Publishers are not interested.

There's still a couple more we're out to but,

I'm just over it, okay?

I'm done, if the book doesn't sell.

I refuse to write the kinds of books

that the kinds of people who buy books want to read.

You know what you should do?

Oh, my God, I'm a genius.

What?

Come to Paris.

I have a nice apartment in Montmartre.

Just come.

You'll get a new perspective.

I don't know.

I haven't been back to Paris since Sarah and I broke up.

Oh, I mean, it's high time you exorcized your demons!

For God's sakes, man, that was, what, 15 years ago?

You'll be fine, you're in a funk.

Okay Mike, I'm sorry, but I got to go.

Come to Paris, okay?

Just come.

God's presence has always been undeniable in my life.

It's my presence that has often been suspect.

Mom, Michael's here from the States.

What's that chérie.

Michael!

I don't believe it, you came.

I did, I did, I came.

What are you doing here?

He invited me, and I figured I'd surprise you guys.

He was depressed, so I told him to come over.

He's staying at my father's studio.

How great.

You can keep him company on the nights

I kick him out of the house.

Just kidding.

How great to see you!

It's great to see you.

This place is amazing.

Yeah.

My father bought it in the 40s.

He used it as kind of an office.

I'm glad you came.

I think it's going to be really good for you.

I hope so.

All right.

So, you have a little shop down there for fruits and water.

Okay.

Sacré Coeur is just up there.

Yeah.

And Lamarck-Caulaincourt will be your metro.

You remember?

Doesn't matter.

Paris is the only place you can be lost

and found at the same time.

Thanks so much for having me, Charles.

I really appreciate it.

It's great to see you.

It's a pleasure, buddy.

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Have fun.

Bye.

You take care.

Okay.

Oh, oh, it's not mine.

No, but I didn't drop it.

God wants you to have it.

You know, it's your lucky day.

Welcome to Paris.

You know, I hate to ask, but do you a few Euro's,

I can get something to eat?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You're very kind.

God picked the right man to grace.

Take this but also, take the ring.

Take the ring.

No.

You can, you can sell it.

No, that was meant for you.

It was at your feet.

It's a lady's ring anyway.

Well, then, give it to a lady.

I wish I had one to give it to.

You will have one soon now.

You're strict.

How do you say you're strict in French, you're strict?

You're hard.

You're, like, you're strict with the little doggy.

Is that how you are when you have a boyfriend,

like when you're in love, like with a, with a boyfriend.

Strict?

You discipline him hard like that?

I don't know what you're saying to me,

but I could watch you say it forever.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Ma'am.

So, how much are those oranges?

No, no, no!

No, no, no.

Do you speak English?

Downstairs.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

It's polite to say hello when you first see someone.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello, I'm Michael.

Hello, Michael, I'm Natalie.

Have a seat, please.

Thank you.

Big, fancy American writer!

You don't look very fancy now, do you?

You look puny and small.

You're pathetic.

You're lucky I would pay any attention to you at all,

even to use you for my enjoyment.

No money, no career, no woman.

You used to be beloved, didn't you?

But no one cares about your books anymore.

Your time is past.

I want to read some fresh, young authors,

not deluded, self-obsessed narcissists.

There's a big difference between you thinking

your life is interesting and anyone else thinking it is.

And let me assure you, no one does.

There you go.

Merci, Michael.

How far would you go?

What do you mean?

Like, hurting somebody.

I would never injure someone forever.

I wouldn't cut their balls off, if that's what you mean.

Only pain, but it goes away, a couple of days or so.

Are there dominatrixes that will go farther?

Of course.

Like, kill someone?

No, of course not.

That's not BDSM, that's murder.

So you never heard of anyone like that?

I heard of one crazy girl who would do this.

I don't know if it's true.

Really?

Wow.

Yeah.

Hi, Michael, it's Charles.

Hope you're comfortable.

Caroline and the kids want

to make sure you're coming for Christmas.

No excuses, see you then.

End of new messages.

To listen to your messages, press one.

To send a message...

Look, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm really late.

Do you mind if I take the bike?

Please.

You're, you didn't, I don't know if you remember.

We met last night in this little bodega.

The orange store.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember.

You had the little dog, yeah.

You, you didn't, you didn't,

I don't, I'm not, I was jet-lagged I don't know,

but I don't remember you really speaking English at all,

certainly not this well.

Did you, did you?

So, what did you want to do with the bike?

I'll give you a ride.

Just get in the basket, I'll give you a lift.

So, what's your name?

I'm Michael.

Why don't we cancel our plans and just go have dinner?

What do you say?

Come on, it's the fun of being big,

we can do whatever we want.

Yeah, but we have to deal with the consequences.

Oh, come on.

If your friends are good friends,

they're gonna be more excited about this great story

of our first date than pissed off

that you canceled at the last minute.

I mean, who cares?

How'd you know I'm meeting friends?

Are you meeting your boyfriend?

Why would I tell you?

You're a stranger.

Yeah, who you're riding in the basket

of your bicycle like fucking Julie Andrews

in The Sound of Music or some shit.

You don't have a boyfriend.

Why not?

Because you're smiling.

Just a little, but you're smiling.

I don't think so.

Yes, you are.

Grimacing a bit, maybe.

I don't think so.

Okay.

So, walk two blocks that way.

Two blocks up there?

Yeah, and you'll find your street.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

What's your number?

Let me call you.

No, come on, let me call you.

Come on, it's hard to meet people you like.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on!

What's your number?

Listen.

I think it's absolutely adorable

that you have a little crush on me,

but I think at this point, I mean,

you should just summon the courage

to ask me out on a proper date.

Come on.

Stalking me?

It's really not cool.

How do you say stalking me is really not cool in French?

What's headstand called in Sanskrit?

Can I, Can I just, this is the only space.

Can I, do you mind?

Is there room here?

Just get my space and then I can talk to you about that.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

What's headstand called in Sanskrit?

Why?

Cause I want to know if you come to yoga

to pick up girls or to practice yoga.

Well, yoga means union with God, right?

I don't think there's any greater closeness between man

and his creator than the love between a man and a woman.

So I come to yoga to practice yoga,

whether I meet a woman or not.

Gotcha.

And Sirsasana is my favorite position.

You?

I hate it, I don't like being upside down.

Really?

Well, that's funny.

It's the place where I feel like things make the most sense.

Listen, just so my entire concentration

isn't completely distracted every

other breath throughout class,

wondering whether you're ever gonna go out with me,

I'm just gonna ask, once again, right before class starts.

Is that a yes?

No.

Come on, really?

Maybe.

What's the determining factor gonna be?

How good your headstand is.

Om.

So, what's the verdict?

A walk.

Like a pre-date, determining walk,

or a walk that's a date?

A walk that's a walk.

I like to know what things are.

There's no such thing as a date in France anyway.

You know, we don't label things.

We just spend time together and see what happens.

Man, that is such bullshit!

You're a woman, so I don't give a fuck where you're from.

That means you have expectations and you have rules

and you have an agenda, okay?

To say that you don't is a game at best and a lie at worst.

You're so American.

Really?

Okay, well, if American means

straight forward and honest, then sure, I'm American.

I know it's hard for you Americans to understand,

but sometimes you don't get what you want, do you?

Rarely.

You rarely don't get what you want?

Yeah.

So even though you usually get what you want,

when you don't, you're able to accept it with grace?

Do you think?

Well, you're not getting a definition for the walk,

and you seem to be doing pretty well with the uncertainty.

That's just because I'm used to it with you now,

so it's just become kind of maddeningly lovely.

Oh, the other time was when I wouldn't confirm or deny

if I would go out on a date with you before yoga started?

Exactly!

You know me so well.

All the mystery's gone.

Thank God for that at least.

So no private information?

No, sure, you can have private information.

Just not if it concerns thinking I'm cool.

Or not, apparently, in your case.

No, no, you're cool.

Well, thank you.

So are you.

Thanks.

So listen, can we upgrade this walk

that's a walk to walk that's a date now, please?

No.

Oh, come on, why not?

Cause you're not that cool.

Depending on the day, that would gut me.

Oh, and on this day?

Pinprick.

'Cause, you know, I just came from yoga,

so I'm free from all attachments.

Well, good, I'll sleep easier knowing.

So much so that I'm even willing

to do your whole in France, we don't date,

we just hang out and see what happens thing?

What's you number?

Oh, come on!

Hey, come on.

What's your number?

Hey, hey!

There's something I'm gonna tell you one day

that I thought when I first saw you.

I don't think so.

You'll see.

I lied.

It was always devastating, always a crucifixion.

What women will never understand

is the weight of having to be the constant pursuer

and the pain of every death when it's a no.

You have one new message.

Hey, Michael, It's Josh.

Bad news, man.

We got six more passes on your new manuscript.

Sorry to leave it on your machine,

but I knew you'd want to know ASAP.

We're still out to two last publishers.

All we need is one.

What do you want?

Hand job, blow job, sex?

What's your name?

Veronica.

Hi Veronica.

I'm Michael.

Hello, Michael.

So, what do you want?

What do I want?

How much for a hand job?

300.

Because I have a cool leather jacket,

you're gonna charge me 300 bucks for a hand job?

Actually, you have a button missing, it was a discount.

Hey, I was only kidding, come on.

250, because of your cool sneakers!

You can ask for mercy,

and if I feel like giving it, you may get some.

But you need to trust that

I know better than you what you need.

Shit.

Hello?

Michael Shiver?

Speaking.

I'm Sherry Ann with Card Services.

I'm calling about your past-due account with us.

How much do I owe you?

Well, you have three accounts

with us for a total of $427,654.89.

They all are 90 days late.

Can you make a payment now?

I'm sorry, I just really can't.

I'm just in a, in a very bad way financially right now.

Oh, I understand.

Well I could enroll you in the payment-protection plan

and then you wouldn't have to pay anything for three months.

Would that help?

Yeah, that would be amazing.

If you could do that.

I'd really appreciate that.

Let me just see.

Let me do that for you right now.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you for your kindness.

No, it is my pleasure, all right, you're all set.

You take care, now.

Thank you, have a nice night.

Bye.

Bye.

You still say you

don't come to yoga to pick up girls?

Crying now, even?

The voice of Satan is unmistakable,

even with a french accent.

It's so weird to see a guy cry in public.

You know, with woman, it's familiar, almost expected.

You see a woman cry in yoga,

you want to give her a handkerchief.

You see a guy cry in yoga, you want to call the police.

I'm crying on the floor of a foreign country,

and you're saying it's an act to pick up chicks?

Does your evil know no bounds?

I'm sorry.

I was just trying to lighten up whatever was making you sad.

I guess it wasn't the right angle to take.

I apologize.

Okay.

Om.

You still have two hours to ask me out on a date again.

No, I'm done with all that.

Why?

Cause I'm decrepit and my life's over.

Come on, just one more try.

No, if we're going out, you're doing the asking.

Fuck you.

Yes.

Om.

So, what were you crying about?

Oh, God, dear sweet Jesus.

Why was I crying in yoga?

Merci.

Merci.

You know when you're feeling

really, really down and just some random person from,

like, the oddest place is kind to you,

and you just lose it?

That's what happened.

This, this, uh like bill-collector lady

from the Midwest was kind to me.

I'm sorry, was that too, uh, touchy-feely or something?

No, no, no.

You asked.

No, I'm glad you told me.

No, no.

It's, it's good for me to practice

being a girl sometimes you know,

like sharing emotional things

and listening, being sympathetic, you know?

Is that hard for you?

That was enough practicing for one night.

Oh, come on, man up.

Just one more question and that's it.

Okay, what are the top five deal breakers

for the guys that you, you know, non-date date?

You need to be funny.

Okay.

Smart.

Yeah.

Not a drug addict or alcoholic or.

Yeah.

A big heart, and not judgmental.

Like republican judgmental?

No, like doesn't even judge republicans not judgmental.

Okay, Buddha.

But I don't, I don't go out with too many men.

Really?

Why not?

I don't know.

I guess I'm, I'm more like a guy.

You know, I want sex, I have it.

And I need a friend, it's different.

Do you not want love in your life?

Okay, that was enough questions for me.

Come on.

No, no, you, your girl.

I'm a little afraid to ask but, you know.

Why?

She needs to be funny.

Yeah, absolutely.

Smart, witty, like from New York.

She needs to not be a prude.

Really?

I mean, I don't think you're a freak or anything,

but certainly not missionary with the lights off.

Not only does it have to be missionary

with the lights off,

but I like to have pretty much no human contact whatsoever.

So I find if you cut a hole in the sheets,

like the Quakers do or whatever, you can almost

do it without any feeling of touching at all.

Great.

Yeah, it's really good.

Perfect.

And?

No cats.

Okay.

No looking at me and smiling lovingly while I'm eating.

What?

You can't look at me and smile lovingly

at me when I'm eating.

And no touching my leg with your foot

or anything while I'm eating.

Can I, can I look at you and smile lovingly

when you're not eating?

Yeah.

And touch your leg with my feet?

Yeah, I would like that.

You're kind of nuts, aren't you?

Okay.

I'm gone say this one time and one time only, okay,

so you need to listen really, really carefully.

Okay, okay.

I am the most sane man that you know now

or will ever meet in your entire life.

Okay.

Now, I realize that the simple fact

that I would even say something like that to you

in your mind not only doesn't quash,

but, in fact, amplifies your hypothesis

that I am indeed crazy, but it does not.

Okay, because underneath all of the

can't look at me and smile lovingly while I eat,

blah, blah, blah, is the most honest,

grounded person that you will ever know.

You did not just do that.

I thought so.

I love the cold, do you love the cold?

Yeah.

And that thing, that's my favorite thing in the world.

Have you ever been up it?

No.

Shall we go up it now?

No.

I'm, I'm gonna go home now.

Come on, Really?

No, it's late.

Get farther away.

What are you afraid of?

I'm not afraid of anything, I can't see.

Why don't you wear your glasses?

I don't need glasses, back up a step.

Can you see me now?

Perfectly.

Now?

You have really pretty eyes.

Thanks.

How about now?

I have absolutely no idea who you are.

But in the dictionary under smitten should be how you smell.

You must really like me if you're

not gonna kiss me on the first date.

Correct.

Shucks.

If we'd hated each other,

we could have fucked in the bathroom of the restaurant.

You really are like a boy.

Told you.

Want to go out tomorrow night?

Yeah.

Good.

If you don't suddenly become not you,

I'm gonna be in love with you by Christmas.

You know, just for a time line.

You better go now, or I'm gonna

have a hard time remaining a gentlemen.

I'm sorry, I can't understand you.

You know, my English words are not that good.

Anyone who knows the word shucks

has good enough English words

to understand what I'm talking about.

Scram.

Scram, now, that's a word I like.

You're in Paris now.

Everything is fashion.

Yeah, you think?

Even the hookers shame you for your outfit here.

And the final touch.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

Well, you will woo her for sure.

You're coming over for Christmas, yes?

Yeah.

And bring the girl.

We're dying to meet her.

Let's, let's see what happens, okay?

No, no, no.

No, no, give that back, give that money back!

No, take this, take this back.

Don't do this to people.

No, she does this all the time.

Thank you, thank you.

It's a con, don't worry.

Don't do that to people!

Bonjour, bonjour.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was saving these old people

from getting swindled by gypsies.

Palm reading?

No, no.

She pretends to find this ring at your feet.

Oh, the lost ring.

What you know about that?

She did the exact same thing to me three nights ago.

You didn't give her money?

What?

It was my first night in Paris, okay?

My street skills were a little jet-lagged or whatever.

I'm in romantic Paris on this magical bridge,

and this sweet, little lady gives me this, like,

graced ring that God laid at my feet

for my bride-to-be, okay?

I fucking gave her some money.

Listen, it's not funny.

So, after I saved the people,

then told the lady to fuck off

and never do that anymore, she started screaming at me

and doing this weird like,

at me and then she told me she was watching me.

So you don't think, like, that she's gonna get,

like, the gypsy men to come stab me in the ass

or something, like when I'm walking down the street?

No.

But she said she was watching me,

like she knows where I live.

She spoke English?

No.

Then how?

She did this thing with, with her thing, like this.

She went like, I'm watching you.

I know where you live.

That doesn't mean she's watching you.

That means she puts a curse on you.

Are you sure?

Yeah, they're harmless!

That's a curse?

That doesn't mean that some gypsy clan's

gonna come get me when I'm not watching?

Just a curse.

Oh well, fine.

I could give a shit about a curse.

Curse, schmurse.

I eat curses for breakfast.

Just as long as she's not gonna come

cut my throat in the night, I can.

But you need to stop pantomiming at French women.

You see, you keep getting in trouble.

What are you talking about?

She pantomimed me.

Yeah, sure.

What?

What, what French women am I have I been pantomiming?

Me, the first time we met at the orange store.

What did I pantomime you?

You asked if I was strict with my boyfriends

like I am with my dog, and you went,

you thought I didn't understand, so you went,

you went like this, as if that's

the universal signs for being strict with one's lover.

Okay, well, if you hadn't of, you know,

pretended not to speak English and just went out

to mock and ridicule innocent gentleman suitors...

Innocent?

Yeah, I was an innocent gentleman suitor.

You do look like a gentleman today.

Do you have a hot date?

I did have one, and then I canceled

about fucking 10 seconds ago.

No, you look nice.

Thank you.

The suit suits you.

Thank you.

Can you say that?

Yeah.

The suit suits you?

Yeah, the suit suits you.

No, but what would you say?

Well, normally, you would say something like,

you know, you look good in a suit,

or, you wear that suit well.

But not the suit suits you?

No, I, I like the suit suits you.

I think you should stick with that.

No, I don't want to say it.

Don't make me stupid.

What?

Sophie!

What, come on.

You're not really mad.

Yes, I'm mad!

I don't like that!

Don't play games with me like that!

I'm, I'm not some French doll for you to play with!

It's not correct to say it this way,

and I don't want to sound like an idiot!

I'm, I'm sorry, Sophie, I'm sorry.

It was sweet how you said it.

I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

So I thought we, we could get a bunch

of stuff from the market and go to my place.

That sounds perfect.

Oh God, it's like closed, except for the cheese.

The cheese lady is still here.

Thank, I love cheese.

You like cheese?

Let's just have a, we'll just have a cheese dinner.

Who gives a shit about all this other,

we'll just have only cheese and then we'll rate it.

I'm really excited about our cheese contest,

I got to tell you.

Are you excited about it?

Yeah, I'm excited.

So, what do you do for work?

I take care of people who are dying.

God, that's intense.

Oh, man.

You taking care of anyone now?

A little girl.

Really?

Yeah, it's, it's the first time it happens like that.

Usually, it's, uh, old people who have lived a nice,

long life, you know, so somehow it's,

it's a bit more manageable for me.

How old is she?

13, she has leukemia.

Is there any chance she can get better?

No, she'll die soon.

How long does she have to live?

It's hard to say.

She might be waiting for Christmas since she's a kid,

or to say goodbye to her family, or both.

God, that's so awful.

Yeah.

She reminds me of me when I was her age.

Really, how so?

I don't know, she just does.

So, what do you do?

Nothing nearly that important.

Aw, come on, everything's important.

Without a plumber, where would we go to the bathroom?

Good call.

I write books.

Really?

Yeah.

What books?

Uh, the first one was called The Blameless,

which came out in 1986.

Before you were born.

I was born in 85, thank you.

Is it weird at all for you to go out

with somebody 15 years older than you?

No.

Because of, you're French?

No, because father issues.

Oh, so it's exactly like America.

Perfect.

Well, that's comforting knowing.

Do you usually date women my age?

Uh, no, usually a little older.

Then it's weird for you?

No.

No, as long as you can name three Beatles albums,

know what an album is, and are a good kisser,

then I think we have an excellent shot

at happily ever after.

And I still can't look at you and smile and touch you,

like, while you eat, blah, blah, blah?

No, that's universal.

You can never do that.

Right.

Okay, go.

Come on.

Abbey Road, Revolver and the The White Album,

which is a big, round, vinyl thing which comes in a big,

flat, square box with a printed picture in it.

Or it can just be white.

Very good.

And at this rate, the kissing

you'll probably never find out about.

Oh.

Oh, you see that building?

It used to be an old movie theater

that only showed old American films.

Really?

You know, like the, the Charlton Heston movies.

Charlton Heston movies?

Yeah, the, you know, Charlton Heston.

Well, Charlton Heston was

this extremely kind of though macho, leading-man actor,

he played Moses in The Ten Commandments.

He like, parted the Red Sea, I, I don't think he,

he really danced like that in movies.

I could be wrong, but you sure it was?

Okay, so, oh, what were, what was the dance in the 30s?

You know, the, wasn't it the Charlton Heston?

Oh, oh, do, do you mean the Charleston?

Yeah, right, The Charleston.

Okay, so that's the movie theater that shows movies

where they dance the Charleston, not Charlton Heston movies.

What?

I told you not to do that!

Do what?

To make me look stupid!

Oh, come on.

You made a joke about the Charlton Heston Charleston.

You, you can't get mad at me for that.

I didn't make a joke!

I make a mistake.

You laugh once, you don't have

to keep talking about it all the time!

Okay, I'm sorry.

I want you to go now!

Come on.

Don't ever touch me like that.

Oh, God!

Fuck me, fuck me.

Where is the cheese?

It's time to rate them, you go first.

Okay, so, how do you want to do this?

What do you mean?

Well, are we gonna rate these cheeses against all food?

I mean, all cheese is better than Brussels sprouts.

So do we need a different scale or?

No, no.

We'll rate them against all foods,

and, and we'll go like this.

Like, okay, so, if dog shit was one

and chocolate cake was 10, rate these cheeses.

What's worse than dog shit?

Nothing, that's why it's one, it's the lowest.

Zero is the lowest.

That's right, in France,

the ground floor is zero, it's not one.

Cause what, in the States, it's?

It's one, the ground floor is one.

Everything has to be more in the States.

Oh, please.

- Okay. - Okay.

So, dog shit is zero.

Chocolate cake is 10, rate these cheeses.

No, that won't work.

Why won't that work?

Because if we're gonna include all food,

we're gonna need more numbers, like up to 100.

Okay, great.

Dog shit is zero.

Chocolate cake is 100.

Rate these cheeses.

No, that's still too confusing.

Why?

It is.

What is confusing about it?

Oh, my God!

Let's just say that cheese in general is like 90.

Okay, I would say, yeah, like 92, but whatever.

Okay.

And now let's rate these cheeses from zero to 10,

10 being our favorite and zero our least favorite.

Perfect.

First, I just need to fuck you again real quick,

and then we can do that, okay?

'Cause you look really pretty right now.

No, not now, not now.

Come on!

Not now.

It's all right, just give me a second.

I'm not in the mood right now.

Baby, come on.

All right, all right, go ahead.

Okay, rate them.

Zero to 100, zero to 10.

Oh, that's boring.

Come on, come on!

Okay, I have to go to work now anyway.

You go to the hospital this late?

Yeah, sometimes she can't sleep at night,

so I, I sit with her.

Come on, I'm late.

Really.

Does she ever have any,

I mean, do you ever, like, bring

anybody else to visit her besides you?

No, it might upset her.

You have to go now, I'm in a hurry.

Okay.

Come on!

Okay.

Well, I had a, an amazing time.

Me too.

Um, I guess I'll, I'll call you later.

It's, it's not this door.

It's this way.

I hope, I hope work isn't too hard.

Goodnight.

Bye.

Do you have a hard time getting close to people?

To people?

I don't know, to boys that you like who like you.

Do you believe in heaven?

Okay, end of the conversation.

Oh, come on, it's boring.

It's very sweet, and it actually strangely makes sense,

but, and you're very smart.

You're not dumb, you're not an idiot.

There's no one...

Okay, okay, don't worry, I won't freak out.

What?

Well, you use boring when you

don't really mean to use that word.

Really?

Yeah, like when we were gonna have the cheese contest,

and you really wanted to,

and then suddenly you didn't want to,

you said it was boring.

And then just now, when I asked you a personal question...

Okay, okay, so what should I say?

What would you say?

Well, hopefully, you would just answer my question.

But if you didn't want to answer a question,

you would say something like, I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

Do you believe in heaven?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on, don't be a baby!

Living right there forever.

We'd be ancient, like 120 years old,

and I'd be sitting under this willow tree,

watching the tourist boats go by.

And you would yell over, honey, come home for lunch,

I made Vichyssoise.

That would be heaven to me.

You know the soup, Vichyssoise?

Of course.

Say it again.

Vichyssoise.

Your French is getting very good.

Merci.

I make a very good Vichyssoise.

You don't have to be so hot and cold.

I won't hurt you.

You don't have to be so impatient.

You don't have to be so slow.

You don't have to be so loud.

You don't have to be so truculent.

You don't have to pretend to be so superior,

using words you know I don't know.

You look victorious, that concerns me.

Will you shut up and kiss me already?

Wait, French-kiss me.

You're such an idiot.

Doggy style?

Hate.

Really?

Mmm.

Most women love doggy style.

You, doggy style?

Hate.

Really?

Most men love doggy style.

Yeah, no, no.

I hate it, I want to be able to see...

My breasts, yeah.

No, your face.

Well, and your breasts too.

You know, everything.

A man fucking you.

A man fucking me?

Okay, we're playing the game now.

I've never done it.

Have you ever thought about it?

No.

I mean, I've had occasional, weird sex dreams

about it, and, I've dabbled

with girls pretending, but that's it.

Pretending what?

Pretending to be a man fucking me, like, you know.

Really?

Yeah.

Long time ago with my, with my last girlfriend.

So you're not into BDSM now?

No and I wasn't into it then.

It was just, you know, occasional, normal playing around.

Oh, getting fucked with a strap-on

is occasional normal playing around in America?

No, it's probably not normal

but it's more normal than is admitted.

I'll tell you that.

So, why haven't you tried it with a guy?

'Cause I'm not into men like that.

You know, I mean, everything that I love about a woman

your hands, and feet and, the softness of your skin,

kissing, that all disgusts me to men.

The men thing, it's more, it was more psychological.

It's more the taboo.

It's being, you know, dominated, punished.

I mean, having said that,

you know, at this point in my life, I,

I probably would have tried

it once if I weren't terrified of H.I.V.

Well, you have safe sex.

No, forget about it.

I could wear three fucking rubbers.

Rubbers break.

It's way too risky.

It's just I would never, I would never do it.

You don't think you're using that as an excuse?

Because I'm afraid to admit that I'm gay?

Okay.

I would love to sky dive, but I'm

shit-scared to jump out of a plane

and heights, so I'll never do that.

That doesn't make me someone who's afraid

to admit that I'm a closet skydiver.

But you don't jerk off thinking about skydiving.

I don't jerk off thinking about fucking guys either.

So when your girlfriend was fucking you in the ass,

you weren't turned on?

Okay, you're getting off-track.

In this game, you just ask questions

that can be answered with hate, love, or like.

Well, I like this new game better.

Okay, good.

Well, you can play it later after I leave.

So, how about any, um, BDSM for you?

Hate.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe I'm traditional, but I think it's weird.

So do you think I'm weird for having experimented with it?

No, you've tried it in your past, you said, and,

and now you're not interested in it anymore, so that's fine.

Yeah, but do you think...

I just think that men should be real men.

Really?

So do real men only have vanilla sex?

No, no.

Can real men fantasize about

less-than-traditional sexual behaviors?

Yes, as long as they don't

fantasize about it all the time.

Okay, so how many times

can a man fantasize about non-traditional

sexual behaviors until they're not a real man?

Like five times or 12 times or?

I can't trust a guy who fantasizes

about things I can't give him.

They're fantasizing about women, okay, I get it.

But if a guy fantasizes about having a dick in his ass,

fake or not, I'm gonna think

he's gonna want to do it, eventually.

You know, it, it feels like he's lying to himself.

So it's fine for whoever, not my boyfriend.

Look, I, I just, I just think

that mixing psychology and sex is perverse.

You know, sort this thing out with you shrink,

not in the bedroom.

Okay, listen.

I just wanted to ask you something for real though.

All joking aside.

No, no more talking now.

No, come on, it's important.

It's important, just one last thing.

Do you not like going down on a man?

If I like the guy, sure I do.

Do you like me?

Yeah, I like you.

Because I, I feel like you're turned on

when we have sex, like you enjoy our sex.

Yeah, okay.

But you haven't even touched my dick once.

Yes, I have.

No, you haven't.

I mean, forget going down on me.

You haven't even, you haven't even touched it.

And so it just made me wonder, like,

do you not like doing that on any man,

or is it just specifically me, or that you don't,

my body disgusts you?

It sort of makes me feel like,

I don't know, do you not like my body or?

Let me, let me put it his way.

If you were 10 pounds thinner,

I would have blown you by now.

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Micheal.

Michael.

I didn't mean it like that.

That was the meanest thing

that anyone has ever said to me.

I'm sorry.

It didn't come out right.

How is it supposed to come out?

I read your book.

I went and got it and read it.

It's beautiful.

You're so good at revealing yourself.

Most of us are not like that.

We have secrets.

Things we're ashamed of.

Scared to, scared to admit to ourselves,

let alone someone else.

You have no fear.

You accept who you are, and I don't know,

you even rejoice in it.

I have many flaws.

Let me finish.

That scares most people about you.

I told you that I will never hurt you.

You don't know that, you might.

But what I, what I loved about your book is that,

even though she leaves you in the end and,

and you're heartbroken, you're here.

And that's very brave.

And I want to be that brave.

I've never let myself love anyone before.

Never.

Never?

Never in your entire life?

But I, I, I want to try with you.

Can I ask you a question?

If I was to give you the best blow job

you've ever had in you're entire life right now,

would you think I was doing it to make you

feel better or because I really want to?

And either way, would you care?

Honestly, at this point, either way, I wouldn't care.

But just for the record, I really want to.

Everything cool?

Yeah.

Is it still okay that I come in with you?

You have to come.

She requested an audience with you.

She did?

Come on.

Hello.

An a is, Michael.

'Bonjour.

I'm sorry.

That's the only French I know.

That's okay, I can speak English.

An a is, that's a, that's a really pretty name.

Is it after An a is Nin?

She's my favorite writer.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, that's cool top hat.

Where'd you get that?

She gave it to me.

She did?

And I'm waiting on a tuxedo to

go with it so I can have a proper dance.

Really?

Have you, uh, got in touch with Santa?

Cool!

Cause he's, like, making some rounds tomorrow.

Maybe he could bring one by.

No!

You want to kill me before I get my dance?

It's very bad luck to put a hat on a bed.

In France?

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

We don't have anything like that in America.

You can put hats anywhere.

Oh God, I'm so sorry, forgive me.

It's okay.

That's enough of your secret girl talk, please.

Speak in American.

I know French, I know French.

It's unspeakably heartbreaking sometimes, this life.

But unspeakably magnificent sometimes too.

I'll call you later?

What are you talking about?

Well, I just assumed you'd want some space.

I don't want space.

I want to go fast now.

I don't want to waste time anymore.

Does it want to dance?

This town's incredible.

What are you most afraid of?

That because the last thing

on the face of the earth that

I want to do is Tweet or update my Facebook status,

that the soul of youth will vomit me

into the cesspool of the old and the worthless.

Come on, seriously.

Seriously.

You want me to be honest?

I'm afraid that because it's been

so long since I've been in love, that I'll be so excited,

I won't see that I've fallen in love

with someone who might betray me.

Betray you how?

Fuck around on me, cheat on me.

I couldn't handle that.

Freud said our fears are our wishes,

so maybe you'll be the one who will be the betrayer.

No.

I don't lie, I told you that.

Anything else?

Not off the top of my head.

What are you most afraid of?

You'll see.

Are you staying the night?

Uh, we'd love to.

Thank you.

Okay.

Is she okay?

Yeah, just tucked her in.

How long has you mom been like that?

Since I was 13.

That's when my dad gave her the worst beating.

She's been like that ever since.

Did he ever hit you?

No, he adored me.

One day, you're daddy's little girl, and,

and the next day, you never hear

from the guy for the rest of you life.

She spent six months in a hospital.

I stayed with my aunt,

and I tried to live with her when she came out, but,

she didn't know who I was.

So she was scared to have me in the house with her.

Has she ever known who you are since that happened?

No.

If she does, she doesn't admit it to herself.

I think it would bring her whole life back, you know?

It's like I'm here every week,

and every week it's the same dance.

Where do I know you from?

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

You know, I still have her in a way.

Most people, you know, many people don't have their mothers.

I'm grateful.

You think people find each other,

like water seeks its own level?

You have that saying in French?

No.

Do you think that broken people

find other people who they think

are gonna help give them what they don't have,

and they in turn can give the other person

what they think they need, kind of help mend each other,

or, in a bad case, misguidedly punish the other person?

Are you broken?

Do you think I'm broken?

I think everyone's broken.

I think you find what you find,

you know, and you do what you do, and they do what they do.

I don't believe that people, you know,

really change that much,

really change over the course of their lifetime.

So you just think it's all random here on earth,

people meeting each other?

Why wouldn't God have a hand in that equation?

I imagine he has better things to do than match-make.

Like what?

I don't know.

I'll have my mother ask him and get back to you.

I have a present for you.

You do?

Yeah.

It's not your proper Christmas present.

You'll get that tomorrow.

Okay.

Hold out your hand.

What?

Don't worry, I'm not gonna propose.

Yet.

It's our one-week anniversary.

Which romantically enough, happens to fall on Christmas Eve.

Oh come on.

Okay, good.

I realize it's, it's kind of an ugly ring.

But it's very special.

No, I love it.

You like it?

You said you'd be in love with me by Christmas.

Was it true?

What do you think?

I think you are.

I think I just might be, too.

Wait!

What?

Where did you get the ring?

It's not from the, from the gypsy lady, is it?

Yeah, she told me I was gonna

meet a girl to give it to, and I did.

It's graced.

No, it's cursed.

She cursed you, so the ring is cursed.

Come on!

The ring's not cursed.

And if curses exist, that means God does, too,

and God beats curses every time.

Don't worry about it.

Wait.

What?

You don't want to know if I'm, if I love you too?

Fuck, I hate this.

What?

I can't, I can't see you.

So fucking annoying.

Usually you see me when I'm that far.

I know, but it's night.

At night it gets worse, it gets worse at night.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

So do you want to know?

I already know.

What do you think?

I think you're in love with me.

Really?

But I don't want to have my eyes closed

when you say it for the first time.

Okay, open them.

It's a no.

That's really mean.

It's not.

Wow!

A lot.

Can I say that?

A lot.

I'm not touching that one.

You can say it any way you want, just as long as you say it.

Merry Christmas.

Come visit any time.

He reminds me of François.

Who?

Your first boyfriend.

You were only seven years old.

You brought a boy home after school one day,

and declared that you were going

to marry him because he was your boyfriend.

I, I don't remember that, mom.

I do, as clear as day.

Michael is like François all grown up,

they have the same kind eyes,

and I can still see the little boy in him.

That's the most important thing.

Didn't you tell me I was your only boyfriend?

Well, not counting François, of course.

Oh, François.

And there was who else?

Probably Billy and fucking Frederic and?

No, just François.

Thanks a lot for bring me to meet your mom.

That really meant a lot to me.

Thanks for coming.

So, what, you're gonna go

to your friend's house now for Christmas?

Yeah, they'd really like to meet you

and I'd love it if you came.

You sure you don't want to?

I'm sorry.

You understand, right?

Yeah, of course.

But, uh, I'd like to meet you afterwards if you want.

Yeah, I'd really like that.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hey Josh, it's Michael.

Hey.

Sorry to call you on Christmas, but I know you're a Jew.

Yeah, PlayStation with the kids

and then Chinese food.

Sorry I didn't call you before the holidays.

I didn't want to bum you out,

honestly, right before Christmas.

Not good news, man.

Everyone has passed.

Everyone, absolutely everyone?

There's not one publisher that didn't pass on my book?

No man, I'm sorry.

Hey, Merry Christmas.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Motherfuckers.

Motherfuckers.

Hello, Michael.

Can you do a session now?

It's Christmas, I'm with my family.

Yeah, I realize.

I'll pay you triple.

Can't you just leave for an hour?

I really can't.

I have a friend who I think you would

enjoy immensely if she might do a session today.

Shall I call her for you?

Is she mean?

Almost as mean as me.

Trust me, she won't disappoint you.

Call her.

Did mistress Natalie tell you what I like?

Just be really mean to me.

Like, really mean.

Verbally, physically.

You can slap me in the face really hard.

You can punch me in the face,

uh, but don't draw blood, so don't punch me anywhere

where I would bleed, um, like my nose or my mouth.

Don't leave any marks on my face.

Smother me, choke me.

You can, uh, use a plastic bag on me.

Put me in a sleeper hold, but, uh, not till I pass out.

So right before I lose consciousness,

like, make sure I, you let go.

Say I'm a pathetic loser that no girl

will ever love and I'll never get a girlfriend.

I'm probably just some little loser faggot

that wants to get raped.

And then you can rape me.

Just tell me I deserve to die,

and that if I wasn't so pathetic, you would kill me.

Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late,

but Santa and I had some last-minute arrangements

preparing you present, which you're gonna get later.

I don't want to see you anymore.

What are you talking about?

It's over.

It's not over.

What's over?

What are you, Sophie, What's going on?

It'll never work out between us,

and I don't want to waste my time anymore.

Sophie, come on, don't do this, not tonight.

It's Christmas, come on.

You start to like me a lot, and then you freak out.

But it's, you don't have to do it, okay?

I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going anywhere.

You're right.

It's because I like you a lot that I'm running away.

I lied, I don't love you.

I don't care for you, I don't even really like you.

You were like a distraction to me.

So please don't ever try to contact me,

or you'll have trouble you can't imagine.

Sophie!

Sophie.

What were you doing tonight before you met me?

I was at Charles and Caroline's

for Christmas, you know that.

You were at Charles and Caroline's?

Yeah why?

All night, you never left?

No.

Why, do you not believe me?

Of course I believe you, you never lie, do you?

Your turn.

My turn for what?

You get to ask me what I was

doing tonight before I met you.

I don't want to play this game.

Oh, come on you love games.

Ask me what I was doing tonight before I met you.

No.

Ask me.

I don't want to.

Ask me!

What were you doing tonight before you met me?

I was fucking another man.

We made love all night.

He made me come over and over,

and he's not insecure and needy like you are, you know?

He didn't whine about how I never touch his dick.

He did whatever he wanted,

just took my face in his hands and made me suck his cock.

It was so nice.

He came so hard, I still have it on my breath.

Can you smell it?

Does it smell like smitten?

Kiss me.

Kiss me and taste another man's cum

in your girlfriend's mouth.

Oh come on, have some.

Now do you believe me?

Hello?

Yeah, that girl you sent me wasn't mean at all.

She wasn't?

Strange, usually she does as much as people can handle.

No.

She just sat there, and then after I told her

what I wanted, she just got up and left.

Oh, that's odd.

Dear Sophie.

Hello?

Hello.

Come in.

Sit down.

So, what do you want me to do to you?

I want you to kill me.

You need to be very careful of what you ask me

to do to you, because I will do it.

So I'm going to ask you again.

What do you want me to do to you?

I want you to kill me.

Why don't I play with you for a while,

and then we'll see if that's still what you want.

Oui?

Do it.

Do what, Michael?

Kill me.

Micheal!

Are you sure?

You get no second chances.

Please kill me.

Is there any God you want to say something to?

No.

Is there any person you want to say something to?

No, no.

Just do it.

Just do it.

Please.

Okay.

Michael!

Michael!

Micheal!

Dear Sophie, do you remember

when I told you that there was something

that I would tell you one day

that I thought when I first saw you?

Micheal!

It was the clearest moment

I've had in my entire life.

You were picking oranges from a crate,

and I thought to myself that's the woman

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.

And that was the truth.

I love you Sophie.

And I know you love me too.

You're just too scared right now,

but I know that won't last forever

and, one day, you will let yourself love me.

I will miss you so much until that day,

but I'll take solace in knowing that when it comes,

even if it's when we're 120, I'll see you again

under the willow tree,

and that will be the happiest day of my eternal life.

Until then, au revoir, Michael.

Melanie?

Michael!

Micheal!

Wait for me.

Wait for me under the willow tree.

No!