All language subtitles for 3rd.Rock.from.the.Sun.S01E18.Father.Knows.Dick.1080p.DVD.DD.2.0.H.265.-EDGE2020_track3_[eng]

- hello!
- hi, dick.

I brought home
A pizza.

- hey, dick, how was your day?
- sally, what are you
Doing here?

I thought you were
Supposed to be out

- investigating your chemical
Attraction to mr. Randell.
- we had a date,

- but he had to cancel.
His mother came in town.
- so?

I don't know,
He said he wanted to
Break me to her gently.

Dick, aren't you
Going to ask me
How my day went?

Good work, harry.
Well-done.

Sally,

Just because
You haven't been
Invited somewhere

Is no reason
Not to go.

Your next assignment
Is to meet this mother

And study
Her maternal power.

I could seduce her
If you like.

Uh, no, harry.

Tommy, have you infiltrated
The glee club yet?

Yeah,
They're very happy.

- end of report.
- good work, tommy.

- hey, what about me?
- well, what about you?

That's my point.
You're the high
Commander,

And she's
In charge of security.
He's the information officer.

- what am I?
- well, you're...

You're harry.

Oh, sure, I got
The fancy title,

- but what do I do?
What am I good at?
- all: uh...

- you-- you paint.
- oh, yeah, I like painting.

Painting, yes.
Great. Go, paint.

Oh, okay.

- off to my painting.
Just yell if you need me.
- sure, whatever.

Oh, dick, they
Screwed it up again!

- oh, man!
- oh, damn!

( '50s rock music playing )

( laser gun blasts on tv )

- what's this, tommy?
- "Star wars." it's a movie.

- what's all that
Supposed to be?
- outer space.

Can you believe it?

If outer space
Was that happening,

I never would
Have left.

- tommy, I'm almost ready.
- whoa! Where are
You going?

- I'm taking tommy
To school.
- oh.

Be sure to talk
To that mr. Randell.

Oh, will he be there?

Gosh, I hope
I don't distract him.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

- you are in big trouble,
And big, big trouble.
- what's going on?

He was painting something
Awful on the side
Of the house.

A post-impressionist
Urban mural.

I was given
Full permission.
Tell her, dick.

Well, I promise you,
Mrs. Dubcek, harry
Will not go unpunished.

He will sit in his room
And think about
What he did

While you repaint
Your house.

Idle hands do
The devil's work.
When I was a young girl--

The glacier receded,
Creating the great lakes.

I'm sure
It was incredible.
Bye-bye, now.

Good-bye.
Bye-bye, now.
Good-bye.

- ( clears throat )
- well, thanks a lot, dick.

You tell me to paint,

And then you hang me out
To dry like a shirt,

A wet shirt.

A wet shirt
That needs drying.

Why is harry so upset
All of a sudden?
Is he mad at me?

No. He just
Feels left out.

He's searching for his identity,
So he's acting up to get
Your attention.

- how do you know all this?
- I see it with sophomores
All the time.

What he needs now
Is an authority figure.

He's got an authority figure.
I'm the high commander.

- no, I mean a parent.
- yes.

Mr. Randell has a mother,
And he turned out dreamy.

Of course...
Harry needs a father.

I should have seen it.

Well, I can fill
Those shoes.

I'm pretending
To be your father.

Of course, I may have
To neglect you for awhile.

I know. I don't mind.
You're a terrible
Father, anyway.

( gasps )
Well, you're
A lousy son.

I'm old and set
In my ways.

It's going to be different
With my second son.

- I'm going to be a terrific
Father to harry.
- oh, sure.

And I'm going to start off
By being completely honest
With him.

- what do you mean, honest?
- I'm going to tell him

About that thing
That they put in his head.

- oh, no, no.
- you can't tell him
About the thing.

Telling him about the thing
Would be a bad thing.

Shh! Ix-nay
On the thing-thay.

Uh, harry, I've
Made a decision.

From now on,

I don't want you to think
Of me as your commander.

I want you to think
Of me as a father,

A father
Who outranks you.

- well, a father? Why?
- guidance, emotional support.

I'll be there for you.

I'll be the wind
Beneath your sheets.

Harry, you need
Anything at all,
You come to me.

Well, okay.
Can I borrow the car?

- no.
- can I have
Some cash?

- no.
- can I bring
A woman to my room?

- never happen.
- sure.

Oh, well, thanks,
Commander.

I mean, dick-- dad.

Father dick.

Oh.

Hostilities didn't
Begin to escalate

Until the confederate
Troops attacked
Fort sumter.

And four years later,
The war is pretty
Much over.

- mr. Randell.
- sally.

- hey, solomon.
- what?

Are randell
And your aunt
Like, uh, you know?

I don't know,
Why don't you raise your
Hand and ask, you mook?

So, did you want to talk
To me about tommy?

- no. Tommy's
Doing fine.
- oh.

Well, then,
Since I'm here,

Can I meet your mother?

- I don't know that you're
Ready to meet my mother.
- we could have dinner.

- you don't think
It's a little early?
- no.

I think breakfast
Would be early.
Dinner's fine.

I don't know, sally.

She's not an easy person
To get to know.

She's extremely protective,
And she never thinks

Anyone or any thing
Is good enough for me.

I think she's really
Going to like me...

A lot.

Hey, bye, tommy.

( mutters
In hoarse voice )

( bell tolls )

...Which can be
Directly applied

To newton's
Second law of motion

Which, for
Personal reasons,
Is my favorite.

Isaac newton, of course,
Has been called

The father of modern
Physics, which brings me
To another question.

How many of you have
Fathers? Show of hands.
Anyone? Fathers?

Everyone has
Fathers. Good.

So, who would
Like to relate some
Fatheresque experiences,

Something very fathery?

Uh, okay, well,

My father and I have
This very special--

No, no, no,
Caryn. Please.

I'm only interested
In father-son experiences.

- bug?
- my father?
Very strict.

It didn't matter
That I was the youngest.

- when I'd act up,
He'd give me his belt.
- you wore the same size?

As punishment,
He'd put me over his knee
And give me a whooping.

So he gave you
A whooping and a belt?

Uh, with a belt.

And then he gave
You the belt?

Um...

Yeah.

Leon, did your dad
Ever give you a belt?

No. No,
My dad's great.

Every august, we rent
A cabin on lake erie.

We pick up a case
Of tall boys, get faced,

And hit on
The girls who rent
The pontoon boats.

- ( class bell rings )
- tomorrow there
Will be a pop quiz

On the effects
Of thermal dynamics.

Remember, it's
A pop quiz.

If you study,
I'll know.

Harry!

Son, look what
I brought home for us.

It's a six-pack
Of tall boys.

Let's say we get faced
And then I'll give you
My belt.

- forget it, man.
- what's this?

I'm cutting out.
I'm blowing this joint.

I'm taking
Some powder.

- you're leaving?
You can't leave.
- face it, dick.

I have
No purpose here.

I'll find you
A purpose.

I'll set up a meeting
For you with the campus
Job counselor.

That's your world,
Man, not mine.

See, I'm rejecting
All that "9-to-5,

Make a living,
Become a success,

Feel good about
Yourself" crap.

That's a sucker's
Game, man.

Well, color me gone.

But, harry-- wait.
You're part of the unit.

- we need you.
- what do you need me for?

Well, uh... Because...
We love you,

And you're important
To the family,

And, uh...
You're so pretty.

Well, I may be pretty,
But I know I'm
Not important.

- no, harry--
- ( cat yowls )

You are important.
You're--

I wasn't going
To say this.

Harry,

You've got a thing
In your head.

A thing?

A cranial
Microreceiver chip.

- in my head?
- yes,

But it's not in
The part you use.
It's in your brain.

This is so exciting.

I think it's every
Little girl's dream to meet
Her boyfriend's mother.

I always thought
It was to get married.

Mr. Randell, it's
Only been two dates.

When?

- hi, honey.
- mother.

Mmm!

Well, this
Is sally.

Mrs. Randell, it is such
A pleasure to meet you.

You sure squeezed out
A winner, lady.

- why, thank you.
- why don't we sit down?

Now, which sally
Are you?

- the only sally.
- I have to apologize.

It's just that he's
So darn handsome.

He attracts so many
Women, I tend to get
You all confused.

Actually, mother,
I was the one

Who was attracted to sally.
She has a beautiful smile.

Oh, absolutely.
Are those caps?

Oh, no,
They're teeth.

They go all the way
Back. See?

so I have a receiver
chip in my brain.

And I have this, why?

Well, because

Sometimes our
Supreme leader,

The big giant head,

Well, he needs to
Communicate with us,

And we picked you--
You, harry.

Without you,
We can't maintain contact
With the home office.

- well... Does tommy
Know about this?
- yes.

- does sally
Know about this?
- yes.

Do you know
About this?

Look, I'm sorry,
I should have told you sooner,

But isn't it neat
To find out new things
About yourself?

You have destroyed

My life!

- harry, please.
- oh-hh, so it's okay

For me to have
A thing in my head,

But it's not okay
For me to know about it?

And you call
Yourself a father.

I'm out of here.

Harry, you are
Not leaving!

You're coming
Right back here!
That's an order.

You know, dick,
If you were my father,

I would think that
You would care enough
About my feelings

To just let me go.

You're right.
You need to sort this
Out for yourself.

Go.

But as high commander,
I must have access
To that transmitter.

Stay!

But I want you to have
Your own space. Go.

But I can't allow
This breach of protocol.

I order you to stay!

Leave the nest.
Fly.

I need your head.
You come back here!

I'm sorry. Go.
No, stay!

No, go!
Stay! Go!

Stop!

You're tearing me apart!

Man:
♪ b-b-b-bad ♪

♪ bad to the bone ♪

- give me a beer.
- what kind?

The kind you drink.

Hi, I'm margueritte.
Who are you?

I don't know
Who I am.

All I know is

I got something
Inside my head,

Something that could
Go off at any minute,

Some sort of
Answering machine

With some
Cosmic message

Sent from somewhere
Out there

In the universe.

I'm an aquarius.

Hey, who are you
Talking to?

- I don't know, some guy.
- was he hitting on you?

Why? You jealous?

Hey, you talkin'
To my girl?

You don't look old enough
To be her father.

What are you,

A comedian?

No, that would be
Buddy hackett.

- you got wheels?
- on my car.

( scoffs )
Okay, you and me, pal.

Dead man's curve.
We're gonna play
A game of chicken.

I'll stop
At the colonel's!

I wonder how he's
Doing out there
All by himself.

You know, if you're
A bad father, they leave.

If you're a good
Father, they leave.

A parent's love
Is like a river.

No matter how deep
Or strong its current,

It's always flowing
Towards a sea of separation.

Lighten up, dick.
You're going to give
Yourself a hallmark hernia.

( phone ringing )

Hello. Yes?

The police?
You've got harry?

He crashed the car...
At dead man's curve?

We'll be right over.
Tommy, something
Terrible has happened.

Harry crashed the car
At dead man's curve.

Why is the father
Always the last to know?

Okay, so we've
Left the dance,

- and we're parked
In your son's car...
- sally--

And he can't seem
To undo the top hook.

sally, please don't.

Oh, come on,
It's a cute story.

- let her talk.
- I ordered the salmon.
What did you order?

- my, that's an interesting
Dress you're wearing.
- you like my dress?

Good, 'cause
I didn't know if
You'd be impressed

By how confident I am
To wear a dress like this.

Or maybe I should have
Gone with something
A little more conservative,

As if to say
"What's underneath here

Is not for anybody
But your son."

Well, I think
That dress says it's
Not just for my son,

- it's for
The whole room.
- ( laughs )

Good. That's a relief.

If you want to control
My life, you could be
More subtle about it.

I don't want
To intrude,

So if you'll excuse me,

I'm going
To the ladies' room.

I think she's
Upset with you.
I'm going to talk to her.

- I don't think it's--
- shh! I'm doing it
For you.

Frances, are you
All right?

Me? I'm fine, honey.
It's you I'm
Worried about.

Me?

Well,

I'm afraid you're just
Not my son's type.

- what do you mean?
- now, don't get
Me wrong.

You're really not half
As cheap as you look.

I get it.
You're insulting me,
Aren't you?

I have made such
A huge mistake.

I thought you were nice,
But you're not nice.

You hate me.

I am so glad we finally
Understand each other.

Me, too, frances, 'cause
As long as I'm going
To date your son,

I don't want
Any problems.

Over my dead body.

Doable.

If you're going
To throw a punch,

Try putting your weight
Into it, like this.

( sally screams )
ow!

- will the ladies be returning?
- ( glass shattering )

- one of them will.
- hai-yah!

ow, ow, ow, ow!

I'm dr. Solomon.
Where's my son,
My son harry?

The good news is
He's alive.

Oh, thank god!
( sobs )

But I have to warn you,
He don't look so good.

( gasps )

That's what he
Always looks like.

- harry!
- oh, dick.

Harry, I've failed you.

If I'd been there for you
When you needed me,

Then you wouldn't have
Run out of the house.
You could have died.

Dick, I almost
Did die.

What happened?

- it was the most
Amazing journey.
- what do you mean?

- I was leaving the colonel
After picking up chicken--
- wait. Why a chicken?

Long story short,
I have no idea.

So, I was on my way
To the big race,

And a paper bag
Blew across the road.

I was afraid it was
Full of bunnies,
So I swerved.

And right as the car was
Flying into the ditch,

My whole life flashed
Before my eyes.

Harry, I don't mean
To be insensitive,
But what's your point?

Well, all I
Could think was,

"I have a rage
To live."

And then the car
Landed, and I said,

"Hey, world,
I'm alive!

And these pants
Are washable."

- that's a beautiful story.
- thank you.

Oh, dick,
It doesn't matter

That I'm an underling
With a thing in my head.

What matters most
Is life itself.

And the greatest
Thing about life

Is not having
A purpose.

It's finding...
A purpose.

Why, harry,

You sound
Exactly like me.

Like fake father,
Like fake son.

Dick, could we just
Drop the father thing

And go back to being
Fake brothers?

- you don't want me
To be your dad anymore?
- no.

Good,

Because I was this close
To drop-kicking
Your sorry butt

From here
To the outlet mall!

Woman on radio:
♪ mama, he's crazy ♪

♪ crazy over me... ♪

I'm sorry you had
To pay the damages
At the restaurant.

No, it was worth
The $1,700.

Wait till my brother's
Wife hears about this.

Once at christmas,
She took a clumsy swing,

But mom got her
In a headlock
And she blacked out.

- you were great.
- I really liked her.

- I don't think she liked you.
- I didn't like her, either.

I really like
You, though.

Same here.

Ow!

Your mother wears
A lot of rings.

No...

Pain can be good.

♪ he's crazy over me. ♪

( sighs )
You know, someday I'd
Like to be a real father

With a real son--

A little guy who'd be
Sweet and cuddly,

Pink and puffy,

Just like his old man.

You do realize that
Your son could wind up
Being a daughter?

Oh, no, no,
Not my son.

I bet mr. Randell
Would make a great father.

I can see him now,
Sitting with his kids,

Helping them
With their homework,

Telling them
What a cow pie
Their grandmother is.

Yeah, all
This romance talk

Makes me want to
Call my girlfriend.

Hey, harry, can you
Give me a dial tone?

Well, aren't we witty.

Let me ask you this.
Has the big giant head
Ever called us?

- not yet.
- how will we know
When he does?

Harry will
Suddenly go blank

And stare off
Into space.

Like I said,
How will we know
When he does?

♪ 6-3-4-5-7-8-9 ♪

- ♪ what's my number? ♪
- ♪ 6-3-4-5... ♪

( '50s rock music playing )