All language subtitles for 3_Engzfhfklolish

[adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
I wasn't exactly

the coolest kid
on the block.

Oh, damn it!

But that didn't stop me from
being a bona fide ladies' man,

from puppy love with Dana
to nerd love with Jackie,

and, of course,
high school love with Brea Bee.

But these days,
it was real love
with Carmen.

We were adults
in an adult relationship,

and that meant one thing.

Sleepovers.

It was a brand-new
chapter for me.

["Push It" playing]

Everything now somehow
felt different.

Almost like I was floating.

Man, what a feeling.

The kind that left me
with nothing to do

but bust a sweet little move.

Salt-N-Pepa's here?

You've only heard the song
on the radio,

so, sure,
we could be them.

♪ Push it good ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪

♪ Push it real good ♪

[adult Adam]
This was what
that morning felt like,

a chance to
let it all out and sing.

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby ♪

♪ B-Baby, baby ♪

Oh, my, aren't you
in a good mood.

I wish I had been there
to share whatever
made you this happy.

Glad you weren't!

[laughs]

[woman]
♪ Get up on this ♪

Look at him go.

♪ Get up on this ♪

[adult Adam] Yep,
I was on top of the world.

And nothing
could bring me down.

- Aw!
- ♪ Get up on this ♪

Adam! [laughs]
I'll join you.

What? No!

Just let me have this moment
alone with Salt-N-Pepa!

Uh, my two favorite spices

behind butter, cheese,
and ketchup?

I don't think so.

♪ Ooh, Schmoopie Poopie ♪

♪ Ooh, Schmoopie Poopie ♪

♪ Give up a kiss ♪

- [laughs]
- How did one of
the best days of my life

turn out so badly?

You seem taller somehow.

My little baby's
growing up.

Mmm!

[groans]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
Clearer every day ♪

[adult Adam]
It was football Sunday,
1980-something.

Barry and the JTP
were watching
their beloved Eagles.

Or, more specifically,
they were watching them

on the stadium's jumbotron.

A giant TV in the stadium?

[chuckles]
The future is here, boys.

If it wasn't for the guy
who almost puked on my back,

I'd feel like
I was in my own living room.

My favorite part
is the Kiss Cam.

Philadelphians are not afraid
to show their affection

for their team or each other.

You know
what would be cute?

- A Baby Cam.
- Oh, here we go.

Oh, you're a dad now?

Come on, like, a giant photo
of Muriel with 10-foot dimples?

Tell me you wouldn't nom-nom
that [bleep], holmes.

You can't make it cool just
by saying it like that, bro.

[announcer] Okay, Philly,
it's time to find

the biggest Eagles fans here!

- Places!
- Get ready to be famous!

I've waited my whole lifetime
for this, so, clearly,

I should have bigger goals.

[all] One, two, three!

- Eagles!
- ...fans out there.

Who could it be?

Eagles superfans, where you at?

"GALS"?
What the hell?

Where are all the E's?

Matt was supposed
to bring them.

Yeah, but when Matt
couldn't make it,

Geoff was
supposed to do it.

I brought the seat pads
so that

we could sit on something
soft and pillowy.

No one asked you
to do that.

Oh, I'm sorry,
now I'm the bad guy

because I care about
my friends' bottom comfort?

Looks like we found
our superfans!

My God.

Is that Matt Bradley?

[Geoff] Wait,
so he's not at work?

And he's with
other dudes?

Who aren't us.

I mean, that's...
That's not us, right?

Stop waving
like a buffoon.

It's clearly not us.

Well, I know.
What if there's a delay?

There's no delay!

But there's clearly
a traitor.

[adult Adam]
While Matt couldn't hide,

my love for Carmen
was out in the open.

Hello, beautiful sister
and niece.

Hello, stylish refrigerator
by Kenmore.

And hello,
shiny bowl of apples.

May you fill my body
with sweetness and fiber.

Stop. Muriel's little brain
is a sponge,

and I don't want her
soaking up your weirdness.

True love is like a puzzle
within a mystery

tucked inside
a hidden dimension.

People like yourself
can't see it.

I know what love is.

- I'm a wife and a mother.
- [doorbell rings]

Oh, sweet, naive,
exhausted-looking Erica.

Those are job titles.

But one day,
you'll feel what I feel.

Thanks, friend.

Here's one more thing
for you to carry,

the knowledge that
I've never been happier.

And this apple.

[door closes]

Balls!

What, your guy-who-still-
lives-at-home bill

is higher than usual?

NYU wants
my housing deposit.

Oh, don't worry,
Mom will fork over the dough.

There'll be unsettling
strings attached,

but she'll pay.

It's not that.

I've been so living
in the blissful now

that I forgot about
the painful after-now

when Carmen and I
will be apart.

That just might be something
you can't fix.

I can fix it.

What the hell, lady?
Is that a kabob skewer?

I call it a Ka-Bev.

And I'm not here to startle,
I'm here to help.

What's to help?

My relationship
is gonna be over!

Just like it was with
Brea, and Jackie, and Dana.

How have you had
four solid girlfriends
in the last decade?

My incredibly lopsided
dating history

is not up for discussion!

Adam, ignore your
romantically-challenged sister.

Again, I'm married.

[Muriel cries]

What if there was a way
that Carmen was with you
in New York next year,

while I was also
sometimes nearby
in a chic downtown loft?

Half of that, I love.
Keep going.

You just have to confidently
approach Carmen and say,

"Carmen, I want you with me
in New York.

I love you,
and you're coming."

Oh, so bold!

- Some would say aggressive.
- Trust me.

New York is littered
with '50s retro diners

looking for waitresses.

Why are you making
so much sense right now?

Because you desperately
want her to.

But the best part is,

you can finally
get everything you want.

Everything is what I want.

Thanks, Mama.

- Ah!
- [Adam and Beverly chuckle]

- Oh.
- Why are you so desperate
to keep Carmen around?

My tiny boy can't date
New York City women.

They wear high heels in
the boardroom and the bedroom.

They really don't.

Always dressed in black,

with their bagels
and progressive ideas

about how suburban moms
shouldn't cut in the bathroom
line at a Broadway show.

Okay,
I think I got enough.

Good luck messing up
Adam's love life.

Bye, crazy lady.

[adult Adam] While my mom
tutored me on my love life,

Barry was ready
to school Matt Bradley.

Men, I have called this
emergency meeting of the JTP

because of the treacherous act
that was committed against us.

All I ask is that
we talk about this like adults.

- Of course. Hi-ya!
- Ow!

I'm sorry, okay?

Friends from work asked
if I wanted to go to the game

a couple weeks ago,
and I wanted to mix it up.

Andy, bring in the holy text,
the JTP charter.

[all] ♪ Omm ♪

Come on, man,
we wrote that years ago.

Shh!

"We will never hang
with outside friends,

especially girls."

- Aw.
- That's cute.

I'm married now.

And the punishment,
you have to kiss a worm.

I'm not doing that.

Then you are officially
kicked out of the
Jenkintown Posse for life.

Turn in the Krazy Straw
I issued you on day one.

- I don't have it on me.
- [Barry] What do you mean?

Okay, I-I find it
hard to believe

no one is speaking up
right now,

so maybe I should.

- Please don't.
- Take one
for the team, man.

Last week,
during our poker game,

Andy was at the movies
with his fencing pals.

- Fencing pals?
- Damn it!

[sighs] Yes, Barry, okay?
I fence.

Like stolen goods?

Like the elegant sport
with swords.

Well, well.

Look at
my little Musketeer.

But I'm not the only one
stepping out on you!

Naked Rob has got
his nude beach buddies.

- What?
- I met a like-minded group
of guys last summer,

and we hang out a lot,
unencumbered by clothes.

I, for one, don't have
another friend group.

Finally.
Thank you, Geoff.

Because Erica's
my best friend.

- Ugh.
- So lame.

Now I'm madder!

Barry, just because
we have other friends
who enrich our lives

doesn't mean
the JTP isn't still
the JTP.

- He's right.
- We'll always be us.

What do we say,
for the next Eagles game,

we go and tailgate together,

just the original crew,
like old times?

Oh, we're gonna tailgate.

We're gonna tailgate in a way
none of you will ever forget.

[cackling]

- He just walked
into the furnace room.
- [Barry] Ow!

[adult Adam] While Barry
was off to hatch
a secret plan,

I was ready to put all my cards
on the table for Carmen.

There she is.

What Oh.
[giggles]

What has
gotten into you?

- Four Yoo-hoos
and the perfect idea.
- Tell me more.

Me, you, New York City.

Did you get
Phantom tickets?

Next year,
when I go off to NYU,
you're coming with me, baby!

Oh. [chuckles]
Yeah, I don't know.

I do.
Jump on this rocket
and ride it, baby!

My first concern is
you're calling me "baby" a lot.

Second, my whole life
is here.

My family, my home,
my job.

Your job?

There's probably
a million places in New York

where you can dress up
and serve people.

They're probably not all
eating establishments,

but we'll do our homework.

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God,"
you can't wait

for our exciting,
new adventure together?

Here's an answer, baby. No.

What just happened?

I'll tell you
what happened, Goldnerd.

God finally noticed you keep
getting smoking-hot girlfriends

and decided to restore
the natural order.

Yeah, when you punch
above your weight,

eventually,
you get knocked out.

Take it from someone
who punches people
all the time.

It just all made so much sense
when my mom said it.

Your mom?

- Oh, no.
- I know, I know.

But this time,
it really felt like

she had my best interest
at heart.

Ugh. Balls.

[adult Adam]
Determined to teach
the JTP a lesson,

Barry went to the
wisest/nearest person he knew.

Babe,
I need new friends.

Nice. You're finally open
to the idea

of expanding
your social circle.
Love it.

Now, how does one
make friends?

I guess you could make a list
of the things you like

and find people
who share those interests.

Like the Asian
battle arts.

As a very early starting point
that you ultimately realize

was a misstep, sure.

[sighs] Damn it.

That would never work.

My natural instincts
would kick in,

and I would destroy
any potential bestie

with my elbows and feet.

Here's an idea.
Don't hurt anyone.

Or maybe this unnamed stranger
would respect me more

because,
despite all we share,

I wasn't afraid to pummel him
to the edge of death.

I don't feel like I'm helping.

And yet, you have.

Here I go, off to brutalize
my new best friends!

So Barry ventured out
into the world

to find replacements
for the JTP.

Ah, basketball.

The sport of friendship.

Swish, baby!

Okay, so my brother had
his work cut out for him.

- Psst! Raj.
- Shh!

I'm not giving you
the answers.

The only answer I want is,
yes, you'll be my best friend.

Oh, then it's a "no."

But we have everything
in common!

We're both gonna be doctors.

I mean,
you probably won't,

because your answers
are super wrong.

I hate you so much.

[laughs]
This fight is so us.

[adult Adam]
Soon, Barry became
so desperate,

he started to see
the possibility of friendship

in the most unlikely places.

Hello, friend.
Do you have a second to talk?

Friend, you say?

I got a lifetime.

Get on in here.
Let's get messy.

Yep, Barry's friend hunt
wasn't getting any easier.

Meanwhile, my mom was busy

entertaining pals
at afternoon tea.

Isn't tea time nice?

And who doesn't love
tiny sandwiches?

[chuckles]
I feel like Andre the Giant.

Such a strong
and impressive man

with many health issues.

The heart struggles
to pump blood through
a body that large.

So, is it just
us and John today?

I'm afraid so.

- You.
- What is it, Schmoo?

- You.
- This happens a lot.

He gets so excited about
how much he loves me,

he can't get the words out.

Every single relationship
I've ever had, you've ruined!

- So, still just
the three of us.
- This is insane.

I've never overstepped
in his romantic life.

Uh...

If anything, I've made
his relationships better.

[higher-pitched] Uh...

Instead of yelling at me,
he should be drowning me
in kisses.

- [higher-pitched] Uh...
- Alright.

Enough with
the musical scale.

Just use your words.

Even as the most
casual observer of
young Adam's dating life,

you've been...
How do I put this gently?

A love-squeezing anaconda

snuffing out his last breath
of happiness?

I was in the area
of a bulldozer of carnage

driven by Satan
in a hard hat.

It's playful and evocative.

Well, aren't you both clever.

In fact, why don't you wrap up
your [bleep] little sandwiches

and get the [bleep] out?

This can't be
a surprise to you.

You have been despicable
to Jackie and Dana

and, more recently,
Brea Bee.

Don't you seem to have
quite the instant recall

on Adam's former flames.

As the William Penn
guidance counselor,

I find it essential
to obsessively follow

the romantic comings and goings
of every student.

So, that's actually
far more disturbing

than Beverly's dumb thing.

Thank you, Ginzy.

And now, I am gonna go prove

that I made
his relationships better.

I don't think that our plan
to do this weekly
is gonna stick.

And so my mom took a trip
down memory lane

to interrogate
each of my past loves.

Excuse me,
anonymous coffee lady.

[gasps] Jackie!
Is that you?

- Hello?
- Is that Dana Caldwell?

Oh! What a crazy coincidence.

Brea Bee!

Let's cut to the chase.

How helpful was I
in your relationship
with my son?

On a scale
of one to ten?

Definitely helpful
in learning

what I would never
tolerate again.

Does negative seven
make sense?

Let me rephrase.

I made your relationship
with my son better, right?

[laughing]

You're a funny lady,
Mrs. G.

You seem to enjoy being
an overbearing nightmare.

Do you know
how hard it is to be in
a relationship with someone

and there's
this third person who's...

- Difficult.
- Controlling.

Judgmental.

- Manipulative.
- And terrifying.

Not having to deal with you
has been truly incredible.

My God, Adam has
terrible taste in women.

But maybe
he was also right.

While my mom was floored
by what my exes revealed,

Barry had hit a wall
in his search for new friends.

Hey, babe.
How was the friend hunt?

Really bad.

Who knew finding another person
to immediately trust, respect,

- and connect with
was so hard?
- Maybe everyone?

Luckily, I found someone
who'll always be there for me.

Oh, no. I'm out of
butterscotch drizzlecorn!

What can't go wrong today?

Did you eat
that whole tub?

I'm so alone.

That was full when I left
this morning.

Why has God forsaken me
with only good looks
and intelligence?

That's like three gallons
of sugar and salt.

I'll never make
another friend again.

Stop!

You have more friends
than you know.

Despite our great rapport,

my relationship
with the annoyed woman

at Foot Locker
was purely transactional.

Plus, it could never work.

I have a natural inclination
to yell at referees.

No! Remember when you were
secretly watching sports

and weirdly holding hands
with Bill Lewis?

I have a rich and varied life
filled with bizarre adventures.

And remember when Mrs. Kremp
put you in the floral fridge

and now you have
coffee sometimes?

Again, my exploits
are renowned

for their offbeat
and fantastical nature.

And don't you constantly
go to Mr. Glascott

for advice so personal

that he cries
and begs you to stop?

Yeah, but he's
the neighborhood's
guidance counselor.

He's not, mostly because
that's not a thing.

He's just your friend.

I have friends?

I have friends.

I... have... friends!

Now you can relax and bring
the JTP back into your life.

Or I have the perfect crew
to throw in their dumb faces!

As Barry knew exactly what
he had to do to punish the JTP,

my mom was ready to accept
a punishment of her own.

Here's my letter
of resignation.

I have clearly failed
as a mother.

This shouldn't be at all
unnecessarily dramatic.

As hard as it is
for me to admit, I, uh...

I have interfered too much
in your love life.

Gorgeous people
make mistakes, too.
I'm sorry.

It happened.

She admitted she was wrong.

[laughs]
I finally won!

Yeah, I have a feeling
this is gonna turn on you
pretty quickly, buddy.

It's hard to say who revealed
my short-comings first,

Dana, Jackie, or Brea.

Faster than I thought.

You talked
to my ex-girlfriends?

How else was I going
to determine whether or not

you were right about me
overstepping into
your love life

if I didn't interrogate
your exes where
they live and work?

You are unbelievable.

This will never be
our dynamic.

You know, unless you try
to pull away from me.

The point is, you're right.

I am the worst.

Damn straight!

I'll be in my room
inhaling the scent of
your toddler pajamas

until you're ready
to speak to me again.

You're gonna be
breathing in those R2-D2s

for a long time, lady.

Can you believe her?

The important thing is,

she admitted that
this was all her fault.

I got some bad news for you.
It isn't.

Don't get me wrong,
Mom's nutso-butso,

but you're to blame.

Me?

But that's, like... me.

Despite your ample
toy collection,

you're not a kid anymore.

You can't just
do everything Mom says

and then blame her
when it doesn't work out.

Mom is who she is.

You need to decide
who you are

and then start taking
some responsibility for it.

[adult Adam] It was the day
of the big Eagles tailgate,

and it looked like
Barry was a no-show.

At least, until this.

Uh, guys?

JTP, meet my new
and primary friend group.

Your friend group
has quite the age range, Bar.

For my real friends here,

age is just an extremely
high number.

These old misfits and I
share a history

that bonds us
like no other.

Barry, I'm confused.

I thought you were
taking me to an
Eagles-themed gospel brunch

for my half-birthday.

Anyway, JTP, look out
for our boundless affection

on the jumbotron.

Unlikely posse,
let's go find our seats.

Flattered as I am,
I don't know if I can commit

to a friend group.

I prefer to bask in the glow
of one mon ami at a time.

And I've held my tongue
long enough,

but I would never join a friend
group that included Bill Lewis.

Oh, here we go.

Let the crazy lady say
her crazy words.

The only thing crazy
was the tilework you did

in my powder room.

I tried to talk you out
of that faux limestone,

but someone puts
way too much of a premium
on slip-resistance.

Is it possible to start
a correspondence friends group

where we all keep in touch
by writing letters?

And I know it was you
that complained

to the Homeowners' Association
about my garden gnomes.

Also, FYI,
I have a sourdough
proofing at home.

Too bad!
We're best friends,

which means
we do everything together.

Now, shut up and gel.

I have to admit,
I am starting
to feel a real closeness.

See?
Odd Mr. Glascott gets it.

The gnomes were creepy!

They're the small but jaunty
guardians of my azaleas.

You have no whimsy,
Virginia Kremp!

[gasps]
Look at this give
and take, JTP.

It's okay to feel jealous.

Let it all out.

Let out our confusion?

I'm jealous of anyone
who understands
what's going on.

- No whimsy!
- [Virginia gasps]

Bill, no!
We come and go as one!

I've stood by
when people have called me

pinched, dull,
and forgettable.

But "no whimsy"?

That is a bridge too far!

You too, Ginzy?

You're the glue!

Well, my sourdough awaits.

Fine!

Okay, JTP, you win.

It doesn't feel like
anyone won whatever this was.

I just don't get it.

You guys have always
been enough for me.

Why am I not enough for you?

You've got a girlfriend, man.

Do you have any idea
how bad I want one of those?

I mean,
I like my nude dudes,

but I was kinda hoping
some ladies would join us.

And I don't talk about it much,
but I get a lot of action.

But we're not
going anywhere, Bar,

because we're more
than friends.

We're family.

And we can never break apart,
because we have you, Bar.

You're the glue that's held us
together all these years.

So, I'm like the Ginzy
of my new group,
but of this group?

Yeah, sure, if you wanna
put it like that.

Thanks, guys.

JTP for life!

[all] JTP for life!

As Barry got the win
he wanted,

the only thing I wanted
was not to lose Carmen.

Carmen, I'm sorry.

I got crazy
with the possibility

of you coming
to New York with me.

But I understand that
you have a life here,

and you should do
what's best for you.

Thank you.

I do have a life here,
and it includes you.

I just don't know if
it includes New York yet,

so let's just take it
one day at a time.

For you,
I'd do anything.

♪ I will follow you
Will you follow me? ♪

♪ Just one single tear ♪

Relationships can be tricky,

whether they're new or
the ones you've had forever.

[man] Cheers!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

[chattering indistinctly]

And when
we occasionally fumble...

- Oh! [laughs]
- Oh!

...it's great to have
your squad there
to pick you right back up.

But even when your team
is the best,

sometimes you just
have to take the ball

and run with it on your own.

♪ Follow me... ♪

[chuckles]

What was that for?

Just 'cause I love you.

♪ ...know will be ♪

♪ I will stay with you ♪

Because when we're surrounded

by the people
who do nothing but love us,

we become a team
that everyone can root for.

- Hi, Adam.
- There he is.

[Jackie] The reason
we're all here.

What is happening right now?

What's happening is
I've made peace

with all
your former sweeties.

Turns out, voicing all
the horrible things

she did has, uh,
cleared the air.

- The pushiness.
- The overstepping.

The overwhelming
torrent of guilt.

Okay, ladies,
I think he gets it.

And now we're going to lunch.

- Uh...
- You know what?
I'm going, too.

Oh.

I have some things
I'd love to say to you,
as well, Beverly.

Ahhh!

Let's order wine.

That'll really open
the floodgates, huh?

- [women chuckle]
- Ah...

[groans]