All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E11.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- [Exhales]

[Gasps]
- You failed us, Liz.

You let the show get cancelled,

and we all died.
- No, I didn't.

It wasn't my fault.

- When we talked
about this dream,

we said we were
gonna be cowboys.

All: Your fault. Your
fault. Your fault. Your fault.

Your fault. Your...
- Aah!

- Wake up. Liz, wake up!

- Aaaah!

- The twins are coming.
- What?

- Yeah, I just got an email
from Bev at the adoption agency.

It's from
hotjuggsbev2@adoption.Gov.

Guess there's
another full-figured Bev

at the office there.
- Oh, my god,

flight 124 on January 29th.

That's in five days.
It's happening so fast.

We don't even know
where they're coming from.

- Airbike flight 124 out of
Houston's George Bush Airport.

- It's not my airport!
- Let it go, Liz.

- Wait, if they're
coming from Houston,

they won't have winter clothes.

They're gonna need
jackets and hats.

How big is an
eight-year-old's head?

I'm thinking, like,
a bowling ball?

- No, bowling ball's too
small. It's like a basketball.

A small basketball
that you win at the fair.

- You're describing
a bowling ball.

Okay, kids coming, show to save,

DVR at 98%, but I'm just never
in the mood to watch treme.

Okay, first things first...
I'll watch a bunch of tremes.

- I'll go to the sporting goods
store and measure balls.

I'm gonna need a
cloth tape measure.

To Ikea!

- Hey, sorry I'm late,
but treme gets good

if you stick with it.

So is TGS safe now?
Will you uncancel us?

- Lemon, I can't start
my tenure as CEO

by reversing my
predecessor's decisions

in order to help my weird buddy.

But while I can't help directly,

I have, through back-channels...
- Like B.E.T.?

- Backchannels. I have
secured you a lifeline.

The Kabletown board has
agreed to hear a presentation

from you tonight to
convince them that

TGS is worth more
alive than dead.

- Perfect. I've sold
this show once

before you were even
here, and I crushed it.

- It's a topical
sketch-comedy show

for a little demographic
that's, oh, I don't know,

51 % of the population.

I'll take that nod as a yes.

- Lemon, this is not a question
of selling your creative vision.

Thanks to Hazel's lawsuit,

TGS has cost this
company millions of dollars.

- Okay, well, we can make cuts.

- You'll have to do a lot more

than trim the budget, Lemon.

Your show can't cost
NBC any money at all.

- That's impossible.
- Impossible?

Would any of your
female heroes say that?

Would Amelia earhart or
dian fosse or Joan of arc?

Boy, women who try to do
things sure get killed a lot.

- You know what? I can do this.

I've saved the show before,
and I ain't afraid of no board!

[A la Ghostbusters theme]
♪ na na na na na na ♪

- Lemon, expensive musical cues

are exactly the sort of thing
you can't afford anymore.

- ♪ Na na net na net, dorp ♪

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Cell phone vibrating]

- You've got Lemon.
Make lemonade.

- Hey, when do you think
you're gonna be home?

'Cause we gotta do
some power nesting.

Upstairs, I want to paint a
mural of Houston for the kids,

but I'm terrible at
drawing swamp humidity.

- I don't know, Criss, late.

I'm sorry. I'll
make it up to you.

- Sex on the couch?
- Sex on the couch?

That's a good one,
Criss. I'll call you later.

- [Laughs] Okay.

- Listen up,
jagweeds, it's go time!

We are at defcon 5 here.

- The lowest level of defense
preparedness? Fantastic.

- Have you dudes
ever been to deafcon,

the comic book
convention for deaf people?

Man, if you're a
dude who can hear,

you are just knee-deep in...

- this is serious. Our
show is cancelled!

Now, we all need
to pull together,

wing to wing, and oar to oar.

Fine, I'll skip to the end.

And that little boy's name
was Marshall Mathers.

So who's with me?

- Ll, did you save the show yet?

'Cause J-Mo and I
have a new problem.

- Last night at a party, we
urinated into the same fountain

during a lightning storm.

- And I think we
switched brains.

- No, I haven't
saved the show yet.

I cannot save the show
without all of us stepping up.

We get one shot
at this. Tonight.

We have to do a sample show,

so you guys need
to start writing.

We have to rally our fans,

so you two are
doing press all day.

I'm glad the band U2
is doing press all day.

Jenna, quick, run, before
Liz Lemon realizes what I did.

- Ugh! Do you
think this is a joke?

If TGS goes away, you
are actors without a show.

And, Hornberger, you and I
are gonna slash the budget

like we've never
slashed it before.

Are you ready?

- My whole life has been
building to this moment.

Has it really? Oh, god.

- Yeah.

- You wanted to see me, sir?

- No.

I wanted to see...
Kenneth the page.

- [Gasps] Kenneth the page.

That's a name I haven't
heard in a long time.

Some say he's dead,

but others hear his
name on the wind.

- We don't have a lot of
time here... what do you say?

- I can't say no
to these colors.

I bleed Blue and Gray.

Especially where I
stepped on that nail.

- Excellent. I've got a
V.I.P. tour group coming in,

and I want my most
experienced page to lead it.

- Now, who will be on this tour?

I like to cater my
presentation to the audience.

For example, if
they're Japanese,

I'll make sure we
accidentally walk in

on a blonde woman peeing.

- Kenneth, you'll
be showing around

the five final candidates

for my old job at NBC.

Now, they think
this just a formality

before the final interview,

but the tour is
the final interview.

It's an old G.E. trick.

You can only truly judge a man

who doesn't know
he's being judged.

- It's like NBC's TV
version of Willy Wonka,

starring Bob Uecker.

- I do admire Wonka.
He's a true capitalist.

His factory has zero
government regulations,

slave labor, and an
indoor boat. Wonderful.

During the tour, the
candidates will drop their guard

and show their true selves
without even knowing it.

- And then you choose the
one who's purest of heart.

- What? No. Kenneth,
this is broadcast television.

It's a nasty, ruthless business.

- No, sir. It's a magical,
Ruth-filled business!

- It's dying, and its leader
needs to be a grave robber

who'll strip every last
bauble off the corpse.

- I'm getting concerned about
who we're gonna pick here.

- There is no "we",
Kenneth. You're giving a tour.

I'm picking the next
president of NBC. Understood?

- Yes, sir. Of course...

[Quietly] Not.

- Well, there are
things we can do

to make the show cheaper.

Gut the crew, no
more taped pieces,

fire Danny, scrap all the sets,

and shoot everything
on greenscreen.

- No. Greenscreen
always looks so fake.

- Yeah. But to
actually break even,

we need somebody
to sponsor the show.

- Ugh, what, then I'll have
some executive from Nokia

giving me notes?
- Oh, you wish.

We couldn't get them
before the lawsuit.

Right now, our only
advertisers are NBC.Com

and a German guy who
wants to eat somebody.

And even gunter's having doubts.

- Okay, so I need
to find someone

to put their name on the
show, and I can't be picky.

Whatever it takes.

- I get it. You need
a sugar daddy.

So dazzle me.

Why should bro body
douche get in TGS's panties?

- Well, Broseph...
- Sup?

- I think TGS and
bro body douche

would be tight.

- Totes?
- Nah mean? No homo.

- Mos def.
- So... Jeah?

- Look, Betty, I don't
know if it is jeah.

TGS, it sounds
like a news channel,

or an std you know I've got.

- We could change it.
We're open to anything.

- That's what you said

look, don't get me wrong.
[Cell phone vibrating]

I like Tracy Jordan.
Dude's a baller.

I like that you've got
a slut on the show,

even if she is a
little boned out.

And I love the sexual
harassment thing.

Noice!

But if you're gonna get
in bed with the douche,

it's not just gonna be the tip.

This is senior year.

We're go need creative
approval, brand mentions.

And the whole tone of the
show needs to be more...

Um... have you ever
seen the porn version

of transformers?

- Blorch! Look, do
we have a deal?

- Almost. It'd be
weird if my show

were created by a woman.

So could your credit
be Todd Debeikis?

It's in honor of my frat
bro. Died during hell week

after passing out in the trough.

I went to Syracuse.

Never-knew-my-dad!

- [Exhales]

Oh, god.

- Liz is wrong, right?

If the show goes
away, we'll be fine.

- Yeah, I got some
stuff on the back burner.

Left unattended long enough,
the house burns down...

Insurance money.

- I mean, lots of
people got more famous

after their TV shows have
ended. Like George Clooney.

- We just need to have
our next great roles lined up.

Like how, after E.R., Clooney
had dumb, gay Batman.

- But parts like
dumb, gay Batman

come around once
in a generation.

If TGS goes away,
what are the chances

that there'll be
two perfect roles,

one for each of us?

- But we don't need two roles

if we play siamese twins!

- One is the president.
- The other's Santa claus.

- And they're both in love
with the same woman...

Both: Elvira!

- Tracy, Jenna. So I
hear you're rallying fans

to save your show.

Tell me, what's
going on with TGS?

- Actually, kristy,
we'd like to talk about

our amazing upcoming project.

It's a movie called
heads of state.

- Colon... The rise
of doctor Ronfulus.

- The third floor is also
home to NBC news.

Fun news fact.

The today show was
originally designed

to entertain prison inmates
whose iqs were too low

for them to be executed.

- What I think is a fun fact
is that the today show is

NBC's most profitable
news program.

12 hours of daily
"news funtertainment"

with very low overhead.

We pay most of our
hosts in white wine.

But I'm wondering,
is there a way

to make it even more profitable?

- More of a party atmosphere.

- Food segments where
you could order the food.

- Show it again later on e!, but
have gay guys make fun of it.

- I guess, for some people,

the today show is about money.

But for me, it's about america
starting its day together.

And it's about seeing
your friends Matt

and Savannha,
and your Butler Al.

- Oh, I watch the today show.

This morning, out on the Plaza,

Al made a classic weather pun.

Both: Janu-where is the snow?

- Yes.
- Pure of heart.

- Kenneth... a word.

Was I not clear earlier
about your role I this process?

- I am sorry, sir, but this
is bigger than both of us.

It's NBC. "We comedy."

- Kenneth, it's "we
peacock comedy."

You say the peacock.

- What? That's insane.

- I will continue with
this tour myself, Parcell.

Your services are
no longer required.

- [Angry NBC chimes]
♪ dum dum dum ♪

[Cell phone vibrating]

- Hey, I'm sorry. I
forgot you called.

- Liz, are you in favor of
our kids having a trampoline,

or do you hate fun?

- What? No trampolines.

They're death traps

and hymen demolishers.

You know what happened to me.

- Okay, you know tramp world,

that place we thought
was a peep show?

It's actually an awesome
trampoline store.

And Ladarius here
gave me this pamphlet.

Did you know that every year

more people die from disease
and accidents combined

than from just
trampoline accidents?

- Wow, is this why you called
me six times during my meeting?

- Gee, sorry. Just
trying to include you.

I thought we'd do
all this stuff together,

buying toys and
gender-neutral toothbrushes.

I mean, tramp
world is all couples.

I'm the only single guy
here, Liz, except for Ladarius,

whose wife died in a
trampoline accident.

- I'll call you back.

- Stop. I hate it.

- Ugh!

- Okay, Liz, we're about
to start writing. I swear!

- No, of course you
haven't done anything.

Why would I ever
think that you would?

- We did something, ll.
- Uh-huh.

I play Gretchen Vanderhausen,

a sexy, 20-something president.

- I play her siamese twin Nick,

a down-on-his-luck but
muscular Santa claus.

- The movie is being
directed by Michael ba... io,

Scott Baio's uncle.

- It comes out 13-13-13,

which is January 13th, 2014.

And the theme song will
be, like, rap breakdown!

♪ Twins, twins, twins, twins ♪

- I know what
you're thinking, Liz,

but it is possible to have
twins who are different races.

- I saw it on Maury it
was a episode entitled,

my obese toddler did
my stepfather's makeover.

- We have two hours
to save the show!

But I guess I'll just
do it alone, again!

I'll ignore everything
that's going on in my life

and save your jobs for you.

Just one question,
out of curiosity...

What would it take...

- I just remembered,
I gotta leave early.

- What would it take
for you people to ever

step up and help me? Ever!

[Gasps]

- This is studio 6h.

Do you know what's
been shot on this Stage?

TGS, the Joey Montero
show, the lovebirds.

- And the moon landing.

[Chuckles] Right this way.

- Hello, young man.
- Damn it!

- [Deep voice] My
name is C.B. Essington.

Now, listen to me carefully

because I have a
moral quandary for you.

In Jack Donaghy's office,
there's a brand-new script

for a show that will
change television.

If you steal it for me,

I promise you riches
beyond your wildest dreams.

- What? No.

- Parcell!

- [Giggles] He
past the test, sir!

He refused to betray the network

by stealing the
script for that show

about the catering company!

♪ Welcome to a world of magic ♪

- Kenneth, you are
very close to being back

in a janitor's uniform.

- Oh, please, no.

That fabric was made
from toilet-clog hair.

And there is
nothing in the world

that means more to
me than this uniform.

You know how much
I love this place, sir.

- You do peacock peacock.

- So please listen
to me when I tell you

Mr. MacGuffin here
is the man for the job.

- Actually, Kenneth, I agree.

Charlie, tell Kenneth here why

you know so much about NBC.

- Well, you have to know
how something works

if you're going
to strip it for parts.

- What?
- Broadcast television is dying.

The only move is to
shut down the network,

pull the copper
out of the walls,

and turn this building
into a forever 21.

- That's what you
would do to NBC?

- At some point, you gotta
turn the horse into glue, Ken.

- That is a waste of
delicious dead horse.

Mr. Donaghy, don't do this.

He may have a fancy degree,
and know lots of business terms,

like "meeting" and "envelope."

But if all he cares
about is the bottom line,

he's not right for the job.

- Kenneth, you also
just described me.

Are you saying I
wasn't right for the job?

- No, sir. You were not.

- I know you don't mean that.

Kenneth?

- Awk-ward!

- What am I looking at?

- I'm just hair and
eyes. It's perfect.

- Pete, a word?

- I told you, we have to do
everything on greenscreen.

You're the one who
wrote- all this says is

"what if the jolly green
giant was horny?"

- It's a note from our sponsor.

- Boo-yah!

[Clang, bass drum pounding]

- Wait, what is that?
Where's the band?

- We can't afford a
band... Or a union crew.

- So what, we're using scabs?

- You're not my girlfriend.
You're nobody's girlfriend!

- This is a disaster.

- I think it's awesome,
but full disclosure,

I just drank ayahuasca.

[Cell phone vibrates]
- Not a good time, Criss.

- You still at the office?

Did you not get my messages?

- I haven't had a
second to do anything.

Do you know what I
had for lunch today?

Two pieces of
pizza, a garden salad,

a cup of soup, this cookie
thing with a jelly center.

- I'm at JFK, Liz. The
kids land in an hour.

- What?
- Bev's email had it backwards.

They're not coming
in on 1/29 on flight 124.

They're coming in
on 1/24 on flight 129.

- Oh, my god, they're coming.
- They're coming, Liz.

The Kabletown board,
they're on their way up.

- I... I can't go. I
can't leave work.

- No, what are you
talking about? You have to.

- Compromises, Criss.
Okay, so I won't be there

when we meet our kids
for the first time... so what?

I'll be around for
lots of other stuff.

I mean, how important is
being there this one time?

- It's really important,
Liz! You know that.

- I also know that everyone
here is counting on me

to save their jobs right now.

And nobody else can
do it because, damn it,

this is bro body douche
presents the man cave,

and I am Todd Debeikis!

- No.

- Guys, I'm worried about Todd.

- I'm extraordinarily
busy, Kenneth.

- I assume you've
made your decision.

- Yes, I have.
- Very well.

But you should
know that I refuse

to watch this
network get torn apart.

- Kenneth...
- You Kenneth!

As much as it pains me,

I have no choice but to
quit the page program.

- So shines a goon's
deed in a weary world.

Kenneth.

[Chuckles]

Seven years, and I've
never gotten it right.

Every show I was sure
would succeed... Failed.

I mean, the monkey
was funny, damn it.

And then, when I tired
to tank the network

so Hank would sell it...
- What's that now?

- I actually made it better.

Homonym is the
first U.S. TV show

to be broadcast in Iran.

- Kalamayeh badee
hast "sheer." "Sheer."

- Chashp... uh... "Sheer"
mesle gorbeh ye bozorg.

- Nah. Ooh yekee deegast.

- Khak to saret!
- [Laughs]

- Unlike every other
place I've ever worked,

this business makes no sense.

And it doesn't
matter if you went

to Harvard business school or...

- Your college
mascot and president

was a bear in a hat?
- Exactly.

This industry is
totally irrational.

So if all my
credentials and degrees

and experience don't matter,

that means the only
qualification for this job

is... loving television.

- What are you saying, sir?

- I'm saying I'm finally going
to do something for this network

that I know is right.

You like NBC,
don't you, Kenneth?

- Oh, I think it's the
most wonderful place

in the whole wide world.

- Good. Because
I'm giving it to you.

The whole thing.

You're the next president

of the national
broadcasting company.

- [Strained giggles]

[Rock music]

- Welcome to the man cave.

TV for your peen.

R.I.P., Todd.

- Why isn't he in costume?
- Ladies and gentlemen

of the Kabletown board, I quit.

- So do I.
- What the hell are you doing?

They're replaceable... we can
get David Alan grier and miss piggy.

- I'll tell you what
we're doing, ll.

We're finally stepping up.

- This show is a disaster.

Except for the very moving
Todd Debeikis tribute.

Todd, we'll miss you.

- I know you want to
save TGS, Lemon head,

but there is no TGS to save.

And you should be
at the airport right now

picking up your chili.

- Children, Tracy.

- Children? Why the
hell are you still here?

- We knew you'd never
give up, so for once,

let us step up and do
what we do best... nothing.

- You're doing this for me?

- We all are. I quit, Liz.

- Me too.

- I quit.

- Mommy's baby quits.

- I actually quit two years ago.

- Subhas out. Suck it!

- Get out of here, lady!

- I hit that.

- Hang on. Is that them?

Is that the twins?

- No way! So it is possible.

- Yeah, I saw it on Maury

- is that a camera?

I'm gonna need
you on my good side.

- What up, Liz Lemon?

I will not be able to
attend school tomorrow

because of an
issue with my lizard.

- That seems about right.

- ♪ Welcome to
a world of magic ♪

♪ where this nifty
gadget full of batteries ♪

♪ can funtertain your life ♪

♪ welcome to a world of wonder ♪

♪ moving at the speed of light ♪

♪ press that button and invite ♪

♪ us right into your home
'cause you must see ♪

♪ a world of magic ♪

♪ n... b... c ♪