All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E10.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Really, Bev? Oh,
thank you so much.

That is wonderful news.

- "Wonderful news"?

The last time I said that

was when my pet gnus

learned the true
meaning of Christmas.

Classic Tracy...
You'll miss this.

- Anyway, that was one
of the adoption agencies

we're working with,

and they may have a
kid who's perfect for us.

He's a three-year-old
boy from transylvania.

Stay with me. His
name is Dracul.

Hear me out.

He is a hemophiliac
with a sleep disorder.

- Children change everything.

Right now you can
do what you want,

but once you have kids,

you have to be
on their schedule,

watch their cartoons,

and touch their poop.

- Tracy, you still do
whatever you want.

- That's right, I do.

But you don't.

So have fun while you can.

Be spontaneous. You
know, stop being yourself.

- I'm spontaneous.

For instance, I started talking

before I had an example
of how I'm spontaneous.

[Farting sound]

[Farting sound]

Nice haul, Mr. CEO.
Did you get my gift?

- I assume it was
the bottle of wine

with the card,
reading, "dear Doritos",

"what about just selling
bags full of your dust?

I could put it on
chicken or fish."

- Obviously, there was a mix-up.

I wrote you a
very heartfelt note

that said, "congratulations
on becoming CEO.

Do you know anyone at Doritos?"

- Well, I'm not CEO yet.

The board has to
rubber-stamp me.

There'll be a party
for me later this week.

Then I have to drive
around with my headlights off

until someone flashes me.

Then I have to...
Well, it's not important.

In the meantime, I'm
tying up some loose ends.

I'm heading down to
Florida this afternoon

to take care of my
mother's estate.

Fittingly, she left everything
to her live-in nurse, Martha...

The house I paid
for, the silver,

my grandfather's purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism
can do to the body.

- She really didn't
leave you anything?

That's not very nice.
- I loved my mother, Lemon...

Obviously, because
of Stockholm syndrome.

But she was, on her best
day, a miserable old crone

whose only Joy came in
sharing her unhappiness

with others, even in death.

- She is the only
person in the world

to have sarcastic last words.

- "I just want you
to be 'happy'."

Oh, mother, how I "miss" you.

Anyway, I thought you might
like to come to Florida with me.

I can get you a V.I.P. pass

to universal's
Harry Potter world.

- Okay, I am not some
kind of "nerdery" slut.

I like star wars.

- Lemon, I'm not
relishing this trip.

It would be nice to
have someone with me.

Are you coming or not?
- Yes. I am.

How's that for spontaneous...
Florida on a work day?

[Chuckles] To that store

that sells long-sleeve
S.P.F. shirts!

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, I need somebody
to sign for this water.

- Um, no, you need a
nobody to sign for that water.

We're on TV.

- Okay, then who's in charge?

- Well, Liz, but
she's in Florida.

- Or Pete, but he went to a
line producers' convention

in Albany.

I saw him pack a wig.

- Tracy, does this
mean we're in charge?

- Where do you want the water?

[Cheerful music]

♪ ♪

[Knock at door]

- I'm sorry. Where is Liz Lemon?

- She's out of the office.

Is there anything we
could help you with?

We've got about...
Oh, ten minutes

before we've got to
go watch shopping.

- Well, this does
affect the two of you.

I'm Martin Luther King from
NBC's in-house counsel.

A former TGS employee
has filed a harassment lawsuit

against this production
and both of you individually.

Complainant is seeking
damages in the amount

of $50 million.

[Click, dial tone]

- Hold my calls, giant bee.

- I assume you know this woman.

- Wassername!
- What's her name?

- So these are the things your
mother wanted you to have.

- Oh.

The baby shoe she
found after that fire.

God, she loved looting.

- Colleen was such
a lovely woman.

- Thank you, Martha, but
you don't have to do that.

I mean, you knew Colleen.

- And there's so much I miss...

Her kindness, her laugh.

- Her laugh, of course.

- Oh, she was the
happiest person I ever met.

- Sure.

Remind me of some
of the happy things

my mother would do.

- Oh, you know, tell jokes...

And the pranks!

Her nickname
here was Mrs. Silly.

- Uh, tell me, Martha,

how long did you work
for my mother exactly?

- I'm sorry.

- What the hell was that?

She'll miss Colleen's laughter?

That woman clearly didn't
even know my mother.

This is a scam.

She took advantage
of an old lady.

- I saw this on dateline.

Next, we'll be holding
hands in adjacent bathtubs.

Or maybe that was a Cialis
commercial... it's all a blur.

- I'm calling the police.

- Thank you for calling
Florida emergency services.

If this is regarding an
anaconda in a crawl space,

press 1.

If a sinkhole full of Indian
bones has appeared

in your living room, press 2.

If you want to know why
jag wasn't on this week,

press 3.

If your shabbos goy...

- why can't we just
cut this state adrift

and let it crash into Cuba?

- We'll just solve this
ourselves, like that woman

on dateline who tried to
solve her sister's murder,

then disappeared.

But we won't go
scuba-diving with the husband.

- Lemon, when Martha comes back,

I'll distract her while
you sneak around

and go through her things.

- It's a caper! Who's
spontaneous now, Tracy?

- Okay, start from
the beginning.

- Well, the plaintiff's
deposition alleges that...

- no, further back.

What kind of dinosaur
was your grandfather?

- Um, the plaintiff
alleges that there is

a widespread culture of
depravity here at TGS...

Sexual harassment,
intimidation, threats of violence.

Her deposition is very gross.

- I'm going to use
this doll to show you

what Tracy and Jenna did to me.

[High-pitched voice] No, no, no!

[Normal voice] Yes.

[Grunting]

[Singing indistinctly
in falsetto]

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

- She's lying like a rug.

"Rug" is an offensive term
for persians that I made up.

- We would never
do that to a page...

Maybe that tall Asian one.

- Oh, yeah, Miranda.

Her hair is so thick and black.

- Please don't
include me in this.

Look, legal views this
as a frivolous lawsuit.

Hazel Wassername,
aka Richard drench,

has a long history of
suing former employers.

So all we need is for
everyone who works at TGS

to sign this affidavit

saying that they
have never witnessed

or been party to any
inappropriate behavior.

- I once played a
lawyer in a movie,

so I know all about
winning your son's love back

thanks to a magic camera.

- Yes, movies are terrible.

- Well, don't worry. We'll
get everyone to sign.

- We really don't
want this to go to court

for a number of reasons.

You two could be personally
liable for any damages.

Hank Hooper hates any type
of negative publicity like this.

And I didn't super-duper
finish law school.

So...
- Ah.

- I'm sorry about that.

I just miss your mother so much.

She was an angel
that fell from heaven.

- Uh, yes.

[Whispering] So was Lucifer.

- Do you have a
bathroom I could use?

- Uh, down at
the end of the hall.

- I may be in there a
while because I have

a gluten thing that
turns my business white.

Both: Just go!

- So, Martha, tell me some
more funny Colleen stories.

- Colleen had two night tables?

Kama Sutra?

Huh?

Who is "m"?

Gah!

Shmesbians! [Gasps]

- Where are my
manners? This is Florida.

Let me boil up a
pot of hot Gatorade.

Is Blue okay?

- Ah.

- [Whispering] Jack, bedroom...

- lies. Martha's been telling me

Colleen loved
children and animals.

The only animal Colleen ever
bought me was a myna bird

who was later revealed to
be Colleen's personal spy.

I told that bird everything.

- No, Jack, it's not a scam.

I think Martha and
Colleen were... Together.

- Have you lost your mind?
- [Normal voice] It's a thing.

Men die first, and these
older women are alone

and turn to each other
for companionship,

like my aunt Linda and
her roommate, Jean.

But they weren't lesbians.

Oh, my god, of course they were!

- Lemon, listen to
what you're saying.

Colleen Donaghy was gay?

She stopped watching the bruins

because Derek Sanderson's
mustache made him look,

"like he takes his
sandwich with a pickle."

- They shared a bed,
Jack... A sleep number bed,

set to two drastically
different firmness levels.

Only an insane
person would do that

if they were sleeping alone.

Insane!

- Martha tricked
Colleen into thinking

she was her friend,

and of course two
friends can share a bed.

For example, Abraham
Lincoln and his roommate,

Joshua fry speed, slept
in the same bed together

until Joshua died from
dancing too long at a party.

[Door opens]

- The Gatorade's on.

While we're waiting, I
DVR'd a documentary

about the woman who designed
all of Pat Summitt's blazers.

- Kenneth, we have
a signed affidavit

regarding this Hazel situation

from everyone on the
TGS crew except you.

- [Sighs]
- Look, I get it.

I know how former lovers
can have a hold over you

long after they're gone.

In some ways, I'm still pinned

under a passed-out
Harvey weinstein,

and it's Thanksgiving.

- But the truth is, Hazel
is gone, Ken Jennings,

and to prove it, we hid a
camera on a gigolo friend of ours

and asked him to seduce Hazel.

- Sloppy Rodney...
Do you know him?

He has syphilis.

- Hey, baby, you
want to get down?

- Sloppy Rodney?

[Laughs] It's me,
Richard drench.

- I remember that ass.

- [Laughing]

- Please stop.

Hazel isn't the reason I
won't sign that affidavit.

The truth is, I have seen
a lot of inappropriate things

here at TGS,

and I don't want
to lie about it.

- What's the big deal?

Lying is easy.

For example, there
isn't a hole in my pocket

I keep touching
my penis through.

See? Easy.

- Not for me, sir.

I've lost a lot this past year.

I went from being
a page to a janitor.

My girlfriend dumped me.

The only thing I have
left is my integrity.

Now, you both know I
would do anything for you.

But I want you to
think long and hard

before you ask me
to sign that affidavit,

because you'd be making
me give up who I am.

- Whatever. Sign it.
- Uh-huh. Sign it.

- I apologize.

We never had the need for a
second bedroom around here.

This is usually where I store

my woodworking tools
and the pottery I make.

- [Gags]

[Clears throat loudly]

- What's the problem, Lemon?

They're just lumpy flowers.

- Now, I don't know who
usually sleeps on which side,

so I put a strawberry
calcium chew

on both night
tables for you, Liz.

- Uh, we're coworkers,
Ms. Edwards.

- Oh, we're not... no, no, no.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just assumed...

- that's quite all right.

A lot of people are making
wild assumptions today.

Our relationship
is purely platonic,

if Plato had an
elderly, shut-in aunt.

- Uh-huh, you know
what Plato did have?

A gay relationship
with socrates.

- Lemon, the only
way you're like socrates

is you have the body
hair of a Greek man.

- Are you sure
you aren't married?

'Cause this seems
pretty married.

- Siri, find me
the nearest hotel.

- Finding hookers.
Is that right?

- Oh, you don't want to go out.

The Vietnam vets
are starting to retire,

and they get antsy at night
around all these palm trees.

- No, that's all right.

We can sleep together,

because there's nothing weird
about two friends sharing a bed,

right, Jack?
- Of course not.

- Your pajamas
have a turtleneck.

- They're from the L.L. Bean

maritime
professional collection.

So what way do you want

to totally normally
sleep together?

Face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?

- Uh, careful... old mattress.

[Grunts, sighs]

It goes without saying, Lemon,

that nothing will happen
in this bed tonight,

and I am referring,
of course, to your...

Digestive failings.

- I'd laugh, but
I'm trying not to do

the thing that you
just referred to.

[Both grunting and sighing]

Why didn't anything
ever happen between us?

- Good god, Lemon.

If you're trying to conjure
my mother's ghost,

you could just
shake a jar of coins

while praising Jimmy Carter.

- No, I'm not saying I
wanted something to happen.

But why didn't something happen?

We've spent a lot
of time together.

We've been drunk together
and day-drunk together

and on the rebound
at the same time,

and also, you're kind of a slut.

- I did sleep with Jenna
a lot during season three.

- If I were a different person,

would you have hit on me?

- I understand what
you're getting at, Lemon.

There was a particularly
youth-orientated priest

in my childhood parish who
went after everybody but me...

Even fat Ralph, and
he ate his boogers.

I felt so unpretty.

- No, this isn't about
appearance, Jack.

Did nothing ever
happen between us

because I'm not fun?

- Good god, Lemon.

Obviously, our relationship,
however you define it...

Mentor/mentee...

- sister-ployee/work oracle...

- is more interesting
than some dating scenario.

And obviously, to
ruin what we have

with a tawdry, yet
expert sexual encounter

would've been a mistake.

- Obviously, but is
it the kind of mistake

that I should have made?

Tracy told me I haven't lived.

- You're allowing
Tracy to criticize

your life choices...
Tracy Jordan?

- Whoa.

[Sighs]

- Now what?

- But he's right.

I haven't done
anything impulsive ever.

I don't have any
tattoos or broken bones.

I've never been high,

except for that
choir trip to Montreal

where I accidentally
ate a pound of marijuana.

- Also, maybe I was
never attracted to you

because you're the kind
of person who finds a way

to talk about herself while
lying in my dead mother's bed.

- Wow. Okay.

Well, for the
record, it's mutual.

I wasn't exactly
chomping at the bit

to be with a middle-aged man
with crippling mommy issues.

- First of all, it's
"champing" at the bit.

Horses champ.

And second of all, I'm not
going to fight in bed with a woman

I'm not even having sex with.

- Why? Is it weird?

- Of course it's weird.

Lincoln was super gay.
- Thank you.

- And I don't even want
to think about my mother.

And I know those
pots aren't flowers.

[Whispering] They're
my mother's vagina.

- J-Mo, I am like
the following joke

about Bjork's swan dress...

Tired.

- Mm.
- I've seen dresses

that look fly,

but never dresses that can fly.

- [Sighs]

I couldn't sleep
at all last night.

I've got this weird, sick
feeling in my stomach.

- Me too.

It's the same
feeling I got in 1997

when that jury foreman
looked at me and said,

"guilty!"

And I had to close
my water park.

I forgot to make an opening
at the end of the slide.

- Is that what this is... guilt?

- I don't think so.

I mean, what have we
done to feel guilty about?

- We don't care that we
made Kenneth lie, right?

- No! Come on! It's Kenneth.

Although he has been
acting a little different

since yesterday.

- What? Did I miss a spot?

I don't care.

All I care about
is which jazz club

I'm going to tonight.

- He's broken.

- Oh.

[Door closes]

- Good morning, Jack.

You sleep okay?

Colleen's myna bird told me
you spent the night in the car.

- Oh, I slept fine.

- Before you leave, I
wanted you to have this.

That was taken at the wrap party

for our community center's
production of grease.

Your mother was Sandy.

Well, the fourth Sandy.

The first three died
falling off the car

during "summer lovin'."

- I don't know the last
time I saw her so happy.

[Scoffs]

I'm glad she had you
to, uh, take care of her.

[Cell phone rings]

Lemon?

- Jack, you need to come
to Orlando and pick me up.

I'm in Harry Potter world jail.

- [Breathing heavily]

Kenneth Parcell isn't
signing your precious affidavit.

- That is a Christmas card
from my estranged daughter.

- Tell him, Ken.

If you've ever experienced
anything inappropriate at work,

just tell the truth.

- Well, sir...

- No, Kenneth, you have
something in your teeth.

I'm just trying to lick it off.

Let me do it. I'm your friend.

- Want to see a
porno my cousin is in?

[Dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

- [Laughing]

- To close a very
important deal,

I'm going to need to
loan you to David geffen

for the weekend.

- Why do I even
take birth control pills

if I'm always gonna be alone?

You might as well
take them, Kenneth.

You take them!

Take them!

- Now, for days that
weren't my birthday...

- Get me Philadelphia.

'Cause I wanted to
sound cool, okay, Tucker?

Fine, get me Gary Derekson.

- Well, I did it.

I tried to live life,
and it sucked.

I came here without studying
the park map beforehand,

which is how I
ended up in a long line

that turned out to just
be a crowd of people

watching two owls have sex.

Then the park
started to fill up,

but, oh, I'm being spontaneous,
so I tried to cut the line

for the flight of
the hippogriff,

which is when Duncan
here caught me.

What is the point, Jack?

I am who I am, and
I'm never gonna change.

I'll die full of regrets,

like that time I sat
next to Richard Grieco

on an airplane and just
let him read his hustlers

without ever telling
him I was a fan.

- Lemon, you're wrong.

People can change.

Maybe tomorrow,
maybe when you're 85,

you'll find a reason
to do something

totally out of character.

After all, that's
what Colleen did.

- Not to make this about me,

but are you admitting
that I was right

about your mother's
late-in-life lez-out?

- I just can't believe it.

- I know, and a woman
of color too... good for her.

- No, not that. I can't
believe she was happy.

She was Mrs. Silly.

- Oh, sketch idea.
- At the end,

when she said she just
wanted me to be happy,

I thought she was
being sarcastic,

because when I was
growing up, I thought people

who wanted to be
happy were weak...

Hippies, Italians,
kindergarten teachers.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

I don't know how to be happy.

- What are you talking about?

That is enough of your
black Irish nonsense.

Of course you're happy.

- It's never been
the goal, Lemon.

The goal has always
been money or prestige

or, when playing
hockey, the goal.

- Jack, in an hour, you
are flying to New York City

on a private jet to a
party celebrating you

as Kabletown's next CEO.

It's everything
you've ever wanted.

And Colleen is looking
down on you right now,

and you're happier
than you've ever been.

- Of course I am.

[Telephone ringing]

- Hello, Beverly.

- It's just Bev, Liz.

My mother died while naming me.

Well, I do have an opportunity
for an immediate placement.

- Really? Wow. Okay.

- There is one issue.

It's two children... A
brother and a sister,

and we don't want
to split them up.

- Two? Boy, that
wasn't our plan.

- I know. It's a lot to take on.

Why don't you discuss it

with that little action
figure you're married to?

- No, no, we'll do it.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, we'll take them.

We'll take both kids.

[Knock at door]
- There you are, Liz.

I'm on my way up to see Jack,

but as long as I'm still
CEO, I want to say two things.

One, did you get a little
sun? You're glowing.

And two, because of the
lawsuit and the P.R. nightmare

and the den of sin
you've built here,

I have to go ahead
and cancel TGS.

Next Friday is your last show.

- Great news, Liz.

Kenneth doesn't have
different hair anymore.

- [Giggles]

Liz? Liz?

- I showed up
without a bra one day,

and I was viciously
harassed until I put on a shirt.

I once saw Kenneth
Parcell naked.

It was horrible.

His body is just a
smooth beige tube

with a head.

Frank Rossitano
was always trying

to give me pornography

that I had given
him in the first place.

I mean, what a re-gifter.

There were these two
African-American giants

that were always pressuring me

to join their book club.

Can I please have
a glass of water?

Thank you.