All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- Liz, I've helped
a lot of women

who are struggling to conceive.

I know how trying
the process can be,

because I've been
through it myself.

- Carol, they're
towing your car!

- Damn it. My kids are in there.

- No! How?

I came all the way
up to Westchester

just to avoid you.

- This is
Westchester? I am lost.

Now, fertility shots...

That's a euphemism, right?

- No, my husband and
I are trying to conceive.

- I'm gonna write
you a prescription

for progesterone injections.

That's a female hormone.

Now, I know what you're
thinking, and the answer is no.

If a man takes it, he
won't grow breasts,

although that would be awesome.

No money for the
whorehouse? That's fine.

I'll just look down
while hiding my crotch

with an oriental fan.

- Injections?

- "Injections"?
Yeah, injections.

- Are you Dr. Leo Spaceman?
- [Sighs]

- Come with us to Washington.

You've just been named

surgeon general
of the United States.

- [Chuckles] Hey,
that's a series wrap

on Leo Spaceman, suckers.

- Bye.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Knock at door]

- Are you doping?

Liz Lemon, that stuff
will shrink your testicles,

but there are bad
side effects as well.

- No, Tracy. Not that
it's any of your business,

but I am starting
fertility treatments.

- Huh. Now, I'm not a woman,

so of course I can
say whatever I want.

This seems really
weird and unnatural.

"Side effects include mood
swings, increased irritability,

and swelling of
one or more boobs."

- Can I help you with something?
- Yeah.

I'm about to start shooting
my new Harriet tubman movie,

and I got Octavia
Spencer to play the lead...

Harriet something.

- You know, I once
played Frederick douglass

in a one-woman show

that the university of
Maryland diamondback called

"too confusing to be offensive."

- Point is, I won't
be at rehearsal

at all this week.
- No, Tracy.

- Exactly. No Tracy.

Thanks for being
so understanding.

[Clicks tongue]

- [Sighs]

- Good morning, Jack.
- Oh, Hank.

- I was so sorry to
hear about your mother.

- Thank you, Hank.

- I remember my
own mother's passing.

She wanted to be cremated,

and she ended
up dying in a fire.

Such a considerate woman.

- Well, on a brighter note,

I should wish you
a happy birthday.

- Oh, no, no. It's
not my birthday yet.

And it only counts when
it's actually on your birthday.

I have very strict
birthday rules.

One... birthday boy always
sleeps in the largest tiger cage.

Some of the rules may be
specific to my time in Vietnam.

Now, Jack, as you know,

the Kabletown board
is meeting this Friday.

I promised my
wife I'd step aside

when I turned 70,

but it's very important to
me that control of Kabletown

stays in the Hooper family.

But my kids are creative types.

- Yes, I understand
that Hank Jr. is writing

a children's book
about a giraffe

who learns he doesn't
have to work hard.

- But they say sometimes
it skips a generation.

I think you know
my granddaughter.

- Sir, Kaylie is only 15.

- Yeah, but when she gets
out of college, she'll be 21.

That's the same age I was
when I started Kabletown,

got married, and had
my first white child.

- Hank, please think
about your other options.

- Jack, you've done an
excellent job with NBC.

I admit I was skeptical

when I first saw
your fall schedule.

"What? Is this guy trying
to tank the company?"

But, boy, you proved me wrong.

Celebrity homonym is the
number-one show in america.

- The word is "racket."

- Okay, "racket,"
like a tennis racket.

- Sorry. It's the other one.

- Again? You know what, pal?

Why don't you come
over here and tell me that?

- [Chuckles]

- I am grateful.

That's why I came
up with a solution

that will make everyone happy.

Until Kaylie graduates,
you'll be her assistant CEO.

- "Assistant"?

- CEO.

She'll be on the board,
learning the ropes,

and you'll keep her chair warm.

It'll work great, just
like Conan and Jay.

- [Crying] Have you ever
updated your flash player?

It is so sad.

What happens to version 11 .4?

- Oh, what now?
- I'm taking hormone shots

to have a baby,
you son of a bitch!

[Crying] A
beautiful little baby.

[Laughing] Being a
woman is the worst.

[Sobs]

- Lemon, Hank
Hooper just told me

I will never be
CEO of Kabletown,

but he doesn't know
about my secret weapon...

My mother's death.

- Wait. So we're both crazy?
- No.

I've spent my life trying to
win my mother's approval,

but she never gave it to me,

which means I
can't ever stop trying,

even when faced with
an impossible task,

like making Hank choose me
over his own granddaughter.

- How much time do you have?
- Three days.

It's exactly the
kind of challenge

my mother's anti-love
prepared me for.

I'll make you proud
of me yet, Colleen!

It'll either be my masterpiece,

or I will resign in shame.

- [Crying] Just like poor Nixon.

He did good things in China.

- Hey.

- Octavia, excellent,
you're black.

Now, in this scene,

you're gonna enter
through the door.

- Mm. I don't think so.

I'm gonna walk
in from over here.

- But the door.

- Well, you're just gonna
have to rewrite the script

and explain how my
character can go through walls.

Also, I want to wear a
t-shirt, promote my website.

- But slaves
didn't wear t-shirts.

- That sounds like a
Tracy problem, Tracy.

I'm done for the day.

I got to go home
and feed my eels.

They're not electric,
but I have a plan.

Mizz, DotGov, let's roll.

- Len, I'm in the endgame here
with this Kabletown situation.

Do you have anything
on Kaylie for me?

- Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you asked me

to pull out all the stops on
this, so I went deep undercover,

and I applied for a
job as a drama teacher

at Kaylie's school.

Hi, I'm Ms. Foster,

but, please, call me jan.

Boy, Jay-Z and Shakespeare
have nothing in common.

Or do they?

Fyi... jan foster is currently
in a "lesbian relationship"

with Ms. Siegal from
the math department.

- Okay, I don't know why
you had to be a woman.

- Let me worry about that.

The point is jan
took these pictures

this morning outside school.

She thinks you'll be
very interested in them.

- Banks.

- Pedal faster, fatties.

God, I love how
much you disgust me.

Class dismissed.

- Really, Banks? Spin class?

Isn't that a bit
of a gay cliche?

- You're the gay one.

Wanting to be with a
woman... How gay is that?

You win sex against a man,

that's as straight as it gets.

- You were good...
One of the best.

But look at you now.

Hitching your wagon
to a 15-year-old girl?

Look, I understand why
Kaylie would seek you out.

No one knows me better.

But you also know that
Jack Donaghy always wins.

Or have you forgotten the
time we played battleship?

Remember a-8?

- You peeked.

Why are you here, Jack?

- To propose something,

something no one
would ever expect...

An alliance.

Think about it.

How much time and
energy have we wasted

with our sparring and our
gravel-voiced double entendres?

- An assload.

- If we joined forces,

we could become the
greatest business power duo

since Gregory linens teamed
up with Thomas N'Things.

And whatever Kaylie's
offering, I'll double it.

- I'll tell you what
Kaylie's offering me...

100 grand to keep my mouth shut.

- Keep your mouth
shut? What do you mean?

- I know certain things,
Jack, about Kaylie's father...

Certain super-gay things.

- Hank's son is gay?

How gay, Banks,

on a scale from bear
hunting to hunting bears?

Gay enough that Kaylie's
parents have never actually had

heterosexual intercourse.

Word is Kaylie's real
father is the poole boy.

Do you know him...

Frederick poole's
grandson Trevor?

Very handsome,
horrible personality...

I'm totally in love with him.

- But if Kaylie isn't really
Hank's granddaughter...

- Then she isn't
actually family.

And once she's
out of the picture,

you're the only choice
to take over Kabletown.

And you're gonna
take me with you.

- But how do we prove
Kaylie's not a Hooper?

- All we need is DNA.

I've got a ton of her dad's.

- So we just need Kaylie's.

- [Sighs]

Hi, Bev. It's Liz.

- Oh, Liz!

Yeah, definitely, don't
give me your last name,

because I only deal
with one person a year,

so I know exactly who you are.

- It's Elizabeth Lemon.

I've been on the agency's
list for a few years now.

I wanted to see if
you got my letter

updating my marital status.

- Oh, yes. Congratulations.

You've moved from the
"well-meaning lesbian" pile

to "found a man,
comma, living a lie."

That brings your wait time
down to only four years.

- Four years?

So I'll be 46 by the
time I get a baby?

- Unless you'd like
to adopt an older child.

I can give you a
six-year-old yesterday.

Pick a color.

- Oh, I just always pictured
myself getting a newborn.

- And I always pictured myself

getting double-teamed
by two the rocks.

But sometimes we have
to make compromises.

Let me know if you
change your mind.

[Phone clicks]

- Hmm.
[Sighs]

Jack, how old is too old
for a woman to have a baby?

- 19.

- Look, I have three options

if I still want to
start a family.

There's the old-fashioned way,

but these hormone
treatments are the worst.

And even if they
work, at my age,

the kid might just come
out a ball of fingers.

- Steve Forbes was
born a ball of fingers.

He had the best
surgeons money can buy,

but you can still tell.

- So option two
is adopting a baby,

but I have to wait
four more years.

I'll be almost 70

when she graduates from college,

which just leaves option
three... Adopting an older kid,

but I don't think I
can handle that.

- Really? Wouldn't
that be easier

than taking care of an infant?

- No. With a baby, you
know what you're getting.

With an older kid, who knows?

For every orphan Annie, there's
a 30-year-old Russian dwarf

who's just pretending
to be a child,

according to a movie
that I watched part of.

- We are both at a
crossroads, Lemon.

I have chosen my path.
It's time you do the same.

- Hello, partner.

- What's happening here?

- What's happening
to your left blob?

- It's the hormones.
- Lemon, thanks to Banks,

I have reason to
believe that Kaylie

is not her father's daughter.

- The reason being
a week-long party

in Stephen sondheim's
sex dungeon.

The workmanship
down there is exquisite,

but it took forever.

- Oh, renovations in New York.

The point is, when
Hank finds out

that Kaylie's not family...

- oh, my god, are you
planning on telling Hank

just so you can get a promotion?

- Not just a
promotion. I'll be CEO.

- And I'll be NBC's
head of publicity.

You'll never see me again.
I'll be on a beach somewhere.

- I know this is
important to you,

but you are off the rails, Jack.

- Thanks for the
compliment, Lemon.

Train travel's for hoboes.

- What you're doing
makes no sense.

You're teaming up with Devin?

- Hey, listen, I've
changed, Lemon.

The only backstabbing
I do now is...

Well, you know.

Every time I think we're done
with that, we find another one.

- You're trying to
tear apart a family.

You're in a blood feud
with a teenage girl.

All she wants to do is talk
about boys and text on her phone

and, if she's like
me, sit in a closet

with a flashlight and
memorize airport codes.

- Her phone. Lemon,
you're a genius.

That's how we get Kaylie's DNA.

Teenage girls can't stop
looking at their phones.

It's like me with
paintings of cannons.

- Yes, her DNA's all
over that phone, of course.

But how can we get
close enough to steal it?

- We need a teenage girl.

- Or someone
who thinks like one.

Damn it. Why do I
keep helping you?

I'll just do anything
for approval.

I would have been a Nazi.

- Who do we know who's
immature and vicious enough to...

- let's destroy her.

Now, what can I do
for you two gentlemen?

- Hello, Mr. Director.

- So how's the movie going?
- Terrible.

Octavia won't do
anything I tell her to do.

She left early.

She's completely unprofessional.

- I don't know, tray.

Sound like she acting like you.

- But I'm impossible
to deal with.

No one has ever been able
to rein in my hilarious antics.

- Liz Lemon does it every
day and looks great doing it.

- Okay. So I should
just act like her.

W.W.R.X.W.

What would Liz Lemon do?

- Kaylie Hooper.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

- Jack, pleasure's the
name of a pony I hate.

This is business.

So I just happened to
bump into Jenna Maroney

at lunch this afternoon.

What are the chances?

- What did you
do to her, Hooper?

- Oh, her brain's
like silly putty,

a toy I am too old for.

- [Gasps] Kaylie Hooper.

O.M.G. it's Jenna.

- You're wearing that
belt as a joke, right?

- Of course I am.
[Laughing]

Where did you get
your belt? You're so cool.

Jack is trying to destroy you

and wants me to
steal your phone.

Yeah, great plan, Jack.

Kaylie, you look
so gorgeous today.

I'm wearing a headband
because you are.

- Pathetic.

What did you think you were
gonna do... blackmail me?

Please, I don't keep anything
on my phone anymore.

I use Gadzorp.

- What on earth is that?

- You're so old and
out of touch, Donaghy.

I might as well be looking
at Justin Timberlake.

[House music]

♪ ♪

- I quit, cows. Tell
your husbands I tried.

How'd you get these
DNA results back so fast?

- I happen to have some
very powerful friends

at the Maury Povich show.

- Kaylie's not Hank's
granddaughter.

I knew it.

- Would you like to, uh...

Do the honors?

- [Chuckling]

Look how far we've come, Jack.

From enemies to
partners to who knows.

Come on, let's get a
couple of wines in you

and just start wrestling.

- Mm, yeah, the whole cabin
vibe wasn't working for me.

And this movie cannot
take place in Maryland

because of my ongoing
feud with Cal Ripken.

- Blargh. I'm Liz Lemon.

I'm in charge! Nerds!

I want to have a baby.

My boyfriend is a
pilot or something.

Sandwiches.

- Oh. So you want
to be the crazy one.

Nuh-uh. I'll show you crazy.

I'm a jedi.

I'm not coming to work tomorrow.

Gentlemen...
- Actually, Jack,

I've decided to continue
living as jan foster.

It's just in all these
years as a P.I.,

I think my greatest
disguise was Len Wazniak.

- Tomorrow the sun
rises on a new day

for Kabletown, for america,

and for all of us.

To victory.

Kaylie, how nice
of you to join us.

I know it's past your bedtime.

- This party is lame.
Let's go, Kaylie.

- Devin? What are
you doing here?

And miss foster?
- Hi, honey.

Remember, monologues tomorrow.

It's 20% of your midterm grade.

- I don't understand.

- Well, let me explain.

Banks is on my side,

and Ms. Foster is a
private investigator

I hired to follow you.
- Was a private investigator,

is a drama teacher,

and, as of last night,

engaged to Ms. Siegal.

- So I know Hank
Jr. Isn't your father.

And now so does, uh...

Your pop-pop.

Game over, Kaylie.

- [Laughs]

"Game over, Kaylie."

- [Laughs]

- This was too easy, Jack.

- Banks, what are you doing?

- Fyi... Kaylie is
my best friend,

so I sit next to
her at the movies.

- Why can't she
just sit in the middle?

- Oh, Jack...

Sweet, sweet Jack.

You wanted this so badly,

you were willing to
believe anything...

That Devin would
team up with you,

that I wouldn't
notice miss foster

sit on her testicles
the other day,

that my father is gay.

I am Hank Hooper's
granddaughter, Jack.

- But what about
the DNA, the glass?

- Oh, you mean the glass I
stole from Jenna's dressing room?

That was Jenna's DNA, Jack.

- So Jenna is an ashkenazi Jew
with an extra "y" chromosome?

- What's that, now?
- It was so simple.

And when you made
your move with Jenna,

all I had to do was
see straight through it,

come back here,
and plant that glass.

You got the DNA results
you were hoping for

and sent them
straight to pop-pop.

- This is why everyone
hates you, Jack.

We were all talking
about it before at the mall.

- How do you think old Hank
Hooper's gonna take that...

You attempting to
destroy his family?

There's nothing pop-pop
cares more about than family.

- Oh, god, what have I done?

- Good-bye, Jack.

See you never.

- Yeah, Jack. See you never.

- Last word.

- Yes, I suppose that's one
way this could have played out.

But there are
other possibilities.

Hypothetically, what if I
never trusted Banks at all?

What if I knew len would
be the worst mole ever?

- I'll tell him you said that.

- And what if I knew
the DNA gambit was bait

and I never sent in
those test results at all?

- Well, that's impossible.

I mailed them myself.
- Did you?

- Okay.

So you didn't do
anything at all.

Well, that's idiotic.

The Kabletown board
is meeting tomorrow,

and you've done nothing
to change pop-pop's mind.

You just wasted a whole week.

- Not quite, Kaylie,

because I did send
something to Hank...

A birthday card.

- Oh, my god. No.
- Oh, yes.

You see, there is one thing

Hank cares about
as much as family...

Birthdays.

So what did you
send him, Kaylie?

I'm not the one
who wasted a week.

While I distracted you,

you forgot pop-pop's
70th birthday.

[Bell tolling]

Ooh, midnight.

You missed it.

And how do you think

old Hank Hooper's
gonna take that, Kaylie?

[Clock chiming]

- [Chuckles]

Wonderful.

- You sent him
something, right, Kaylie?

Kaylie?

- I lost.

After college, I'm gonna
have to go into publishing and...

Marry a finance guy and...

Do charity stuff.

Damn you, Donaghy.

- What a loser.

- You had me mail
that birthday card.

That didn't need to happen.

That was just mean.

- What's going on here?

And where did you
get that sweater?

Is that from chico's
harvest naturals collection?

- Octavia Spencer got
arrested for soliciting sex

from an undercover police dog.

I had to shut down my
whole movie because of her.

She turned out to
be a Tracy Jordan.

So, to deal with her, I
tried to be a Liz Lemon.

- Yeah, well, being Liz Lemon

isn't just about
wearing a sweater and...

Hey, those are my glasses.

Oh, and you popped
the lenses out?

- No, they
shattered in a urinal.

L.L., I don't know
how you do it.

I couldn't hack it with
Octavia for one day.

And you've been getting amazing,
thought-provoking work out of me

for seven years.

[Farts]

- Thanks, tray.

I mean, it hasn't been easy.

When you first
came into my life,

you were out of control,
and you had horrible habits.

- Like my booger-eating?

Please, let me just have one.

I need it, baby.

- Taking care of you
has been exhausting.

You'd fight me and
have temper tantrums,

and I'd have to stay up all
night 'cause you were sick.

- Hey, those lego men
were on a rescue mission

to save the other lego
men that I swallowed.

- But as problematic
as you were,

I had no choice
but to make it work.

- Elizibart, you are
an amazing woman.

Seriously, if you
can take care of me,

you can do anything.

- Hey, remember that thing
we talked about the other day,

about adopting an older kid?

Well, I want to do it.

- Bitch, more than
one person works here.

Who is this?
- It's Elizabeth Lemon.

- Who?

- Action.
- Every dream begins with a...

Line?
- Dreamer.

- Action.
- You have within you...

Line?

- Strength and...
- I got it. I got it.

Line?

Yo, Mizz, what's the name
of that crazy-ass place

we went last night?

- Bed bath & beyond.

- We went beyond.

- And action.
- Line?

My mouth is full
of shrimp. My bad.

I forgot.

- Action.
- If I, Harriet...

I don't like tubman.
It sounds like a dude.

Let's change it to tubgirl.

- Cut!
- I think we got it.