All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E08.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- ♪ Married ♪

♪ Liz Lemon got married
and made up this song ♪

[Scatting]

- You got married? To what?

- To Criss, Frank.

Uh-huh, you are now looking
at Ms. Elizabeth Lemon.

I'm keeping my name.

- What h-e-double vibrator

is that thing on your left hand?

- It's my wedding ring.
I got married yesterday.

- How could you do this to me?
- Flurb?

- You just ruined
my surprise wedding.

Paul, you can come down now.
- Thanks a lot, Liz.

I guess I ate all that
asparagus for nothing.

- Reverend gimp, we'll
just have to reschedule.

- Where can I get the "c" train?

- Wow. Well, if you don't want
this kind of thing happening,

maybe don't have
a surprise wedding.

- A-listers always have
surprise weddings now, Liz.

Timberbiel, beyon-z,

Anne hatha-nobody.

And technically, I
am an a-lister now

because I was on a
list to date Tom Cruise.

But I bailed before I
got sucked in too deep,

praise Xenu.

- Well, I'm glad
you're happy for me.

In case you didn't
hear it before,

I got married yesterday.

- Yeah, thank
you for inviting me.

- Congratulations, Liz.

It's inspiring to see
that a woman in her 30s

can still find true love.

- I'm 42, Cerie.
- I don't know what that is.

Just a reminder that your
awards luncheon is today.

- What?
- You won an award.

- "Congratulations on being
named one of the 80 under 80,

honoring women in entertainment
who aren't Betty white."

Oh, my goodness, the
ceremony will be broadcast

on lifetime... Oh,
.com. \garbagefile?

Okay, but still, I won an award!

[Humming 30 rock theme]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

Okay, big Liz Lemon
day, so hold on tight.

I've got a Jenna problem
I need to run by you.

- Lemon, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.

- Why not? Our
dynamic doesn't have

to change just
because I'm married.

We can still have our
classic girl Friday banter.

"Now you listen here, Jack.

This story's not
gonna write itself, see?"

"Oh, stop, you brute.
I love you. Operator?"

- No, the problem is my
mother's in town for Christmas.

- Already? It's
three weeks away.

- She insists on traveling
on Pearl harbor day

to, and I quote, "show the
emperor we're not afraid."

- Look, I know she
gets under your skin,

but you should appreciate
this time with her.

She's 87.

- But that's only 14 in
demon years, Lemon.

The woman's constant
disapproval of me will keep her alive

forever.

- A Blue spruce.

What time do the
mariachis arrive?

- But this year I have a plan.

I'm not going to give her
anything to disapprove of,

because as long as
she's in New York,

I'm doing absolutely nothing.

I got the idea from watching
your President Obama

the last four years.

[Telephone rings]

That's her, fishing.

Notice the ring is shriller.

- Jack Donaghy's office.

No, Mrs. Donaghy.
He's not doing anything.

He's with Liz.

Well, she's wearing
it pulled back,

but it's not working.

Exactly. Because of her ears.

[Laughing]

- Merry Christmas, everyone.

- [Whistles]

- Kenneth, why are you
mopping the floor so angrily?

- You know exactly why, sir.

First miss Lemon
fired my girlfriend,

and now Hazel broke up with me.

Mr. Jordan, do you know
why I love television so much?

- Because despite cell
phones, iPads, and computers,

it's still the most effective
portal for poltergeists?

- On TV shows,

nothing ever really changes.

The people you care
about never leave,

and the bad guy always
gets what she deserves.

Someone's looking lovely today.

What a burn.

I could have meant someone else.

Although I didn't.

She's radiant.

- Mm.

Since I'm not
getting married today,

I might as well stuff my face.

- Listen, Jenna, I didn't
mean to steal your thunder.

- My whole life is thunder.

- Sure. But, you
know, I just found out

that I won this women
in entertainment award...

- first you get married. Now
you're winning an award?

These are my things.

Next you'll tell me

Mickey Rourke catapulted
you into the Hollywood sign.

- Look, I know you're angry,

but this award is
kind of a big deal.

You know, in the past,
they've given it to Diane Sawyer

and Elaine may, and did you know

that Chuck scarborough
is anatomically a woman?

- So I am a lesbian.

- And I'd really love
for you to be there.

Did you know it's been
15 years since we first met?

Salutations, Jenna Maroney.

What brings a mummer
to lightsman's row?

- I just wanted to
meet the woman

that's been lighting me
so awesomely onstage.

Do you have any idea
where she is, little boy?

- And I wouldn't be here
today if it weren't for you,

so when I accept that award
on lifetime. Com\garbagefile,

I want you onstage with me.

- So there'll be cameras?
- Yes.

- Oh, Liz, you had me at
"Hayden Panettiere is dead."

Of course I'll be there.

- Oh, thank you, Jenna.
That really means a lot to me.

- ♪ Secret plan ♪

♪ revenge on my mind ♪

- Hey, I'm going
downstairs to get a coffee.

You want anything?
- Pumpkin spice, please.

- Great.
- ♪ secret plan ♪

- Excuse me. I don't
mean to bother you,

but I'm a nymphomaniac
virgin widow,

and I just completed
my year of mourning,

and I've got a hotel
room and a latex allergy,

and, well, I was just
wondering what you were doing

for the next 12 to 14 hours.

- I'm doing nothing.

Let's go before my
mother... [Cell phone buzzing]

Nice try, mother.

Yes, you sensed I
was doing something

you would disapprove of.

Your powers remain
strong, old one,

but there's nothing
you can say to ruin this.

- I see a spot in
front of my left eye.

If this turns out
to be a stroke,

you're in charge
of plucking my chin.

You better come home, Jackie.

I have a few things
I want to say to you

before I meet the grim reaper,

who is black, I assume,

what with the hoodies he wears.
- That's quite all right.

I've heard your
last words before.

For instance, in junior high,

when you faked a heart attack

to keep me from going camping.

- I didn't trust
that scoutmaster.

He was always wearing shorts.

- In fact, I think I have your
dying speech memorized.

"How could you do this to me?

"You're such a
huge disappointment.

"If only dragnethadn't been
preempted because of sputnik,

you never would
have been conceived."

- Please, Jackie,
just come home!

I'm dizzy, Jack. [Clatter]

- Wonderful sound
effects, mother.

Mother? Mother?

- You left crumbs on the floor

so that the mice
spelled, "come see me"?

- Yes, Kenneth, I've been
thinking about what you said

about wishing life
could be like TV.

- That would be great,
although I'd get rid of those ads

that pop up in the middle
of your favorite TV shows.

- Well, why don't you discuss
it with special guest star

Florence Henderson?

- Mrs. Brady!
- Uh-uh.

I told the black guy here,
none of that Brady stuff.

Now let's get this over with.

Which booking is this?

Are you the perverts
who want to go

to town on each other
while I make a pie?

- Welcome, ladies. Welcome.

I'm Bonnie Badamath.

I'm the chairperson
for today's event.

I can't shake hands because
I have carpal tunnel syndrome

from zipping up my own
dress now that Gary's gone.

- Well, I'm very
happy to be here.

- Well, I'm just so glad
that you found the place,

what with my directions,

[voice breaking] Because
Gary was the navigator.

Thank you.

[Yelps]

- This is exciting.

Oh, look, you're in the program.

- Ah, great, they must
have gotten this picture

off the Internet.

Why does the other Liz
Lemon always come up first?

- Who cares?
They're honoring you.

Now you go find our table.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

- Ooh, I have to go too.
- Wait for me.

- I just went, but I
guess I could go again.

- What the what?

Oh, my god, she's
gonna do her wedding

just to ruin my thing?

Wow. My best friend.

- Best friend troubles, talking
to yourself, I've been there.

- And you know why
Jenna's mad at me?

Because I got married.

- You know what my best
friend did for my 50th birthday?

She gives everybody a
car, and then she's all,

"thank you for coming
to Gayle's birthday!"

- The crazy thing is I always
end up apologizing to her

'cause her feelings are so
much more important than mine.

- Oh, I hear you.

When I got bangs, my best friend

didn't even acknowledge them,
so I was gonna grow them out.

Then after reading an article

in my best friend's magazine,

I realized my
feelings are valid,

so I had to say
to her, "my bangs,

"they're not about you.

It's about me trying
to cover my forehead."

- Exactly. Thank you.

We're talking
about Oprah, right?

- No, of course not.

[Whispering] She can hear us.

- Well, this is
certainly high drama.

- These are the clothes
that I want to be buried in.

And make sure I'm holding this.

Glue this pin to the
inside of the coffin lid.

For grave robbers.

- For grave robbers? I
remember the first time

you ever threatened
me with your death.

- You should be
more appreciative.

I went down to a
pack a day for you.

One day, you're
gonna turn around,

and I'll be dead like that.

- All right. You can
knock it off now, mother.

I'm home. What
happened to your eye?

Did you really fall?
- I was watching TV,

and they started interviewing
an Asian Santa claus,

and my arm went numb.
- And you called me?

Mother, call an ambulance.

- My father did not
kill dozens of Germans

so that his daughter
could die in a Van.

- But he wasn't even in the war.

- Go about your day, Jack.

Just leave the door open
and let the elements take me.

- You're going to the hospital,

and I don't care how I
have to get you there.

- Well, I'm not going
in an ambulance.

I'll take a
horse-drawn carriage.

- Those carriages are
rolling torture wagons

for nature's most
dignified creature.

The horse is one of only
three appropriate subjects

for a painting, along
with ships with sails

and men holding up swords
while staring off into the distance.

- Sure, let's argue
about horses now.

Bring down my things.

I'm going out of this world
exactly the way I came into it,

wearing a hat.

[Elevator door dings]

- There you are, k through 12.

- Are you the same
guy as before?

Or does that sun-bleached
turd have a twin brother?

- Same guy, ma'am.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

Looks like we're
stuck in a elevator.

I guess we'll have
to remember stuff

and learn from each
other, just like on TV.

- Wait, you did this on purpose?

- Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

- Apex technical school
puts students first.

And the perfect
time to enroll is now.

- Wait, we're
stuck? Get us down.

I don't have my flask.

- I'm freaking out.
This was a bad idea.

- Is this alcohol-based?

- Why are you doing
this to me, Jacob?

- [Shouting]

- So our next honoree Liz
Lemon is the head writer

of TGS with Tracy Jordan,

and I am told she
got married yesterday,

just like Gary and that bitch

who was selling
us our dream house.

So let's take a
look at Liz's work.

Hang on. This is being weird.

- Blow on the disk.
- Is it on the right component?

- Try unplugging it
and plugging it back in.

- Just open the disk
part and blow on it.

- Looking for this?

- You ruined my
wedding. It's payback time.

- Jenna, what I did
was an accident,

but you're trying to sabotage me

just because I'm
getting an award?

- You know you don't deserve it.

Without me, you'd still be

behind that light
board in Chicago,

turning bags of sour
patch kids inside out

to lick them clean.
- I got my money's worth.

And without me
you'd still be doing

local commercials for
store-brand douches.

- Well, joke's on you, because
that wasn't a commercial.

I don't know what that was.

- I swear to god, you are
the most selfish human being

on the planet.
- Thank you.

Visit my website for
extras and ringtones.

- Only because I've let
you be. It stops tonight.

- You can't stop me
from getting on that Stage.

- Are you sure?

'Cause guess what this
lighting board nerd did?

- So what can I do
for a fellow lightsmith?

- I want you to come up
20% on 16, 32, and 70.

- No, but that would...
- Just do it!

Well, this Stage is now lit
for grocery store milk aisle.

- [Gasps] I can't get up there.

I'll look...
- Horrible.

Yeah. Oh, no.

Did I ruin your wedding again?

- Also you need to
tell your aunt Mary,

when she was two,
there was an accident

with a hot comb.

Well, she used to be a boy.

- Stop talking, mother.

Save your strength
for yelling at doctors.

- There's a couple of other
things I want you to know, Jack.

And I don't want you to
interrupt me until I'm done.

All I want is for
you to be happy.

- Happy?
- Yes.

- Since when did you
ever care about happiness?

- Don't talk to
me like that, Jack.

I breast-fed you for nine years!

- Those are terrible last words.

The closest you
ever get to happiness

is when you're
criticizing something,

preferably something I've done.

- Jack, stop talking.

I am not going to
be around forever.

- Oh, here it comes.
- One of these days,

you're gonna turn around, Jack,

and I'm gonna be
gone... Just like that.

- When this little
performance is over,

I may put you in a
home just like that.

Mother...

Mother?

- I can't get it to work,

and there's still
78 women to go,

so whatever, Liz Lemon.

[Applause]

- No, you don't ruin my thing.

I ruin your thing.

- You are not the center
of the universe, Jenna.

- I am too. I'm the moon.

- Ladies, please, today
we're celebrating women...

- can it, Bonnie.

I can't believe you're
doing this to me.

And Paul. He's been in
that steamer trunk for hours.

- It's all right. The lack of
oxygen is making me orgasm.

- [Hisses]

- Why can't you ever
be happy for me, ever?

I got married,
and you don't care.

- Why should she?

We shouldn't be defining
ourselves by our men.

- Oh, so in order
to be independent,

we have to be asexual?

- You would know, Judy.

- God, I miss Gary so much!

I put his sweater
on a body pillow!

[Moaning]

I took it for a
canoe ride! [Moans]

- Lightsmith, help me
out. Fire up the Lekos

and the Klieg.

- [Hissing]

[Exclamations]

- Don't look at me.

Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!

- Jack, I got your text,

but I think there was
some autocorrect problems.

Colleen had a fart attack?

- She died, Liz.

- Oh, my god.

- She had a heart attack
and died on the way here.

- Oh, Jack, I am so sorry.

- Before she died,
Colleen told me

she just wants me to be happy.
- Really?

'Cause that doesn't
sound like her,

but I guess people do say
strange things at the end.

You know, my grandmother
said, "Liz, stop playing

with the flesh around my elbow."

- "I just want you to be happy."

You know who you
say that to? A loser.

Someone who can't hope
for anything more in life

than just being happy.

You say that to someone
who has disappointed you.

- Jack.
- No. It's perfect.

She's a genius.

One last twist of the knife.

Well, thank you for coming,
Lemon, but I better get going.

The funeral is tomorrow.

Colleen wanted to be buried

before the rest of
the family found out

and sold her body
to a haunted house.

And, of course, I get to
eulogize Colleen at the service.

One more chance
to disappoint her

as she looks up at
me from her throne...

In hell.

- [Exhales]

Jenna...

- Jenna. I mean, Liz.

- Look, life's too short to be
fighting with your best friend.

- I know. Can I be
real with you, Liz?

All these years I've always
been able to look at you

and feel better about myself.

- Sure.
- Don't interrupt.

The pill that lets me feel
emotion is gonna wear off soon.

Watching you struggle at work,

dating losers, wearing
boys' husky jeans...

- they have reinforced crutches.

- Now you're winning awards,

you're not aging the
way I wanted you to,

and you're married to a guy
that I think about during sex.

- Aww-ugh.

- Everything feels
a little upside-down,

but I am happy for you.

- And I'm sorry you
weren't at my wedding.

- But it made me realize

that this whole surprise
wedding thing is stupid.

When I get married, I want

everyone I care
about to be there.

- Wow, Jenna,

I feel like you and I
haven't talked like this...

- pill wearing off.
You have mom arms.

[Pipe organ playing]

- Kenneth, it's Hazel.

She's back. I recast her.

She tested through the roof...

At the std clinic.

- Mr. Jordan, stop.

I don't want my life
to be like TV anymore.

Because no one learns
anything in elevators,

and we almost killed
Florence Henderson.

- Yes. Almost.

- I don't want my
life to be like TV,

because my life is way better.

Where else but real life

would a millionaire movie star

care so much about
a hillbilly janitor

that he would spend two days

trying to cheer him up?

You can't do that on television.

Because, if you did,
no one would watch.

Thank you, Mr. Jordan.

Thank you for my wonderful life.

- I sure picked the
right week to come back.

- You weren't supposed to
have any lines, Kwon Lee.

Now I have to pay you.

- Friends, last night
when I sat down

to write a speech worthy
of my mother's 87 years,

I thought I was facing
an impossible task

until I realized that her
constant crushing disapproval

was a gift.

The greatest gift a
mother ever gave a son.

My lifelong quest to
please that woman

is what made me
the man I am today,

the man who has been the
centerfold of fortune magazine

no fewer than three
times, the man who in 1984

wore a tuxedo so well
he broke up the go-go's,

the man who last night
wrote and today will deliver

the greatest eulogy of all time.

Dublin, 1852,

a ship Bobs in the Lee tide

of the icy Irish sea.

Her name... Ariel.

[Speaking Irish Gaelic]

- [Sobbing] Today,
we are all Irish.

- And the plumber
says, "I don't know.

But that's a pretty big pizza."

[Laughter]

- Life is for the living!

- But there's a truth
in the center of that.

[Playing Danny boy]

♪ ♪

Thank you, Kermit, for
explaining the afterlife to us.

- Ah, listen, Jack, thank you

for being the man
we all aspire to be.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

sir Paul McCartney and
the Harlem boys choir.

- Yaaay!

- And, though the falling
snow would erase her footprints,

it could never erase
our memory of her.

I love you, mother.

End of eulogy.

[Applause]

- Oh, wonderful,
Jack! Wonderful!

- Jenna, no, don't do this.

- Jenna, yes, do this.

All the people that I
care about are here.

It's perfect.

[Exclamations]

- We are so glad that
you could come, Liz.

I hope traffic wasn't
too bad getting here.

- Surprise. I'm getting married.

- Mother would have hated this.

[Snickers]

- Yaaay!

- And I promise not
to make fun of you

when you ask where
your glasses are

and they are on your head.

- I do do that.

- And I promise to
always pour antibiotics

all over your penis

before you staple
it to anything.

- Oh.
- And now Paul will read

the vows he has
written for Jenna.

- Jenna, I didn't know
what I was missing in my life

until I met you.

I love you more
than words can say,

and I am so honored to be
taking your first and last name.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting Mrs. and
Mr. Jenna maroneys.

[Scattered applause]