All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E07.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- I don't want to look.

- Hey, come on.
This is a win-win.

If it's positive, awesome.
We're having a baby.

I want to name it frisbee.

If it's negative, awesome.

We're not going to fight
about the name frisbee,

and we get disco
fries for breakfast,

'cause we're sad.

I bet it's me. All those
years trying to get

on america's
funniest home videos.

Oh!

[Grunts]

[Groans]

Ah!

- It's just not fair.

I mean, that guy gets a baby?

What kind of idiot gives
a little kid orange soda?

- Hey, dummies.

- Hey, Dennis. Hey, buddy.

- Why do you have a
baby? Is this a scam?

- I don't need any scams.

I got a brand new business
selling suicide insurance,

and it's going great.

And this baby? This
is my adopted son.

Obviously he's
going to be an athlete,

so I only gotta save up
for, like, one year of college.

- Wait, they let
you adopt a baby?

- If by "they," you mean
those guys or whatever,

yeah, they let me and
my wife adopt a baby.

You remember Megan
Duffy? Maiden name Duffy...

Hopefully no relation.

- I recognize you two.
Did we have a four-way?

- No, St. Paddy's day,
remember, honey?

- Wait, it is?

[Laughs]

- Yeah, we decided to adopt

'cause Megan's real
career orientated right now,

didn't want to wreck her boobs.

Couple months later,
boom. We got black Dennis.

- His name is black
Dennis? That is racist.

- Yeah, right, Liz.

The guy with the
black son is racist.

Later days, dummies.

21st century family
coming through.

This is the new normal.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Tray, have you read any
of these movie scripts yet?

- Yeah, I read the one
about a handsome genius

who lied to two idiots
about reading scripts.

- You've got to choose the
next project for your company,

"dammit I'll pick a name
later Dotcom productions."

You have pitch
meetings all morning.

- Okay, it's almost 11:00.

Please send in my 8:00.

- While on holiday in Tuscany,

a middle-aged
divorcee falls in love

with a lazy pervert
who's into hats.

- In a world with
too much freedom,

one young man
dared to be different.

"Hitler, colon, the boy
who dreamed of stars."

- It's a Harriet tubman biopic,
entitled the Moses of Maryland...

- I'll buy it.

Sorry, I was talking
on my Bluetooth

to a guy at the octopus auction.

I hate your idea.

- Tracy, NBC universal
has acquired the film rights

to the YouTube clip, "man
loses pants on trampoline."

How would you like to
be the voice of Gaboing,

the evil wizard who would take
jumping away from jumpland?

- Thank you for coming in.

Running a movie
studio is exhausting.

I need a nap.

Dotcom, tell us your
most interesting story.

- Sorry, tray.

The next item on the agenda
is your insurance physical.

- Great. Worst day ever.

- I mean, my name has been
on adoption lists for years.

But Dennis Duffy gets a
baby because he's married?

It's idiotic.

You know who else
was married? Ted Bundy.

- I don't think so, Liz.
- Really? So handsome.

Is he still alive?

The point is, anyone
can get married.

What, all of a sudden
you're a better parent

because you signed
a piece of paper?

- Yeah, we're as
committed to each other

as any married couple.

- We live together,
we love each other.

I ignore it when
you eat popsicles

by biting them with your
teeth, which is insane...

- I love popsicles.

- We might as well
be married, so...

- so let's do it.

Let's get married, like
every other idiot on earth.

- Me need a piece of
paper to know how to feel.

- Der, Liz marry Criss?

- Doy.
- Er.

Ey... wait, was that a yes?

Are we getting married?

- Yeah, let's do this.

We get a license today,
get married tomorrow.

Blammo. Engaged.

Top gun style.

- Thank you.

- Jenna Maroney,
you are my slave.

- What?

But the Sheik who won me in
that poker game was beheaded.

- No, do you remember in 1994,

you made a commercial
for surge cola?

- For 100 surge points,
I got these shades.

- Oh yeah?

For 500 surge points,
I got this leather jacket.

- I can beat that.
[Whistles]

- For a million
points, he got me.

Surge. Suck it down.

Oh, I remember that.

My boyfriend was supposed
to pick me up after that shoot,

so I called him, and I was like,

"O.J., where are
you?" And he was like,

"wait, you're alive?
Then who did I kill?"

- For 17 years, I've been
buying up old cases of surge cola,

and now I have one
million surge points.

And that means I own you.

- Hey, Jack. Do I look
positively glowing?

- Well, you do have
the wind-battered face

of a new england COD fisherman,
if that's what you're asking.

- No, I'm getting married. Jeez.

- Lemon, that is
wonderful. To Criss, right?

This isn't one of those
Internet marriage scams

where they prey on the elderly?

- Yes, to Criss.

- Then wonderful.

- No, but the wedding
is not a big deal.

I mean, it's just a...

Oh, my god, this is the
best hug I've ever had.

- I know.

- Anyway, it's just a formality,
for if we want to adopt.

We're going down
to city hall tomorrow.

It's no big whoop.

- But it should be
a very big whoop.

Lemon, this is your special day.

Plan a real wedding.

I'll get Tony Bennett to sing.

I saved his life in an
illegal pai gow game once.

He owes me a favor.

And you can wear that
wedding dress that you bought...

- no, I can't.

I got rid of that
after hurricane Irene.

I had forgotten to
stock up on toilet paper,

but I had remembered to
stock up on seven layer dip...

- I got it.

- You know, I just don't
care about this stuff.

I don't want a "special day."

I don't want to be a Princess.

- But Lemon, you
were a little girl once.

Didn't you dream
about your wedding?

- In my own way.

Sol Rosenbear and I
would like to thank everyone

for coming to our
destination wedding

here on the love boat.

Unfortunately,
sol has discovered

my previous
relationship with gopher,

so he will be
seeking an annulment

once we reach Puerto Vallarta.

I realized a long time ago
that weddings aren't about love.

They're just a giant industry
that preys on gender stereotypes

to make adult women
spend a ton of money

and act like selfish children.

I mean, have you seen
wedding bitches on bravo?

- Maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.

You're ruining my special day.

Ma, what the [bleep]
are you wearing?

- I remember when
bravo used to air operas.

- I reject the
wedding industry's

phallocentric fairy
tale grotesquerie.

So tomorrow, Liz
Lemon is getting married

in a sweatshirt, no bra.

- Oh, for god's sakes, Lemon,

don't take a stand
about your own wedding.

Think about that kid
you're trying to adopt.

What will you tell him if
he asks to see pictures?

I will tell her or it that I
took an amazing stand

against the wedding
industrial complex.

We are registered
at popcorn palace.

- All right.

Now that I've finished

with my handwriting
sample for the FBI,

let's look at your test results.

Oh, this is puzzling, Tracy.

There doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with you at all.

- What?

- I guess we've replaced

so much of you over the years

that you're maybe
not you anymore,

but you're healthy.

- No, this isn't happening.

- This is good news.

- No, it's not.

I always assumed I'd die young,

because, you know, I look
so much like James Dean.

And that gave me the freedom
to live without consequences.

That's why I'm always
breaking the law,

buying exotic sharks,
forgetting to feed them,

and then trying to hug them.

I couldn't do
cool stuff like that

if I knew I'd be alive for...

How many years, Dr. Spaceman?

- 40, maybe 50.

- [Sighs]
- I'm sorry.

Look, I'm not happy
about this, either.

The money I've made
off your health problems

has put me almost all the
way through medical school.

- I'm going to have to start
living like there's a tomorrow.

Open an I.R.A. Brush my teeth.

Drink eight glasses
a day of that stuff.

You know, clear bathtub juice?

- Tracy, I'm afraid I
don't have a pamphlet

to help you get through this.

But I do have a
pamphlet that has a bunch

of drawings of vaginas.

- I'll take it.

- To make a long story short,

I need to be let out
of my TGS contract.

I'm moving to Arizona to be
with my new slave master, Terry,

to live in a birdcage he built.

- Ah, why don't you
both have a seat?

- You may sit.

- Now, Terry, I suspect
you know it's illegal

for someone to own
another human being.

- Fine, but according
to the contest rules.

Either I collect my prize, or
her equivalent cash value.

- Ah, I see.

So you'd be just as
happy with the money.

- Terry, is this true?

- I've done the math,
and taking into account

Jenna's salary and
earning potential,

I've calculated that
she's worth $800,000.

- Uh, let's say Jenna was
worth that in her prime.

That was ten years ago.

- [Clears throat]

- She has certainly
depreciated since then.

Jenna is becoming more
unemployable by the moment.

And thanks to
decades of partying,

Jenna's internal organs
will get you nothing

on the black market.

She's an emotional train wreck.

- Daddy, why are you doing this?

- A seventh grade
education, hepatitis d,

bullet in jaw, fatwa,
credit card debt,

wanted by the yakuza...

Jenna Maroney is worth...

$2,000.

- Fine.

In Arizona, two grand
will buy me a castle

and a pillowcase full of meth.

Make it out to
"doomsday enterprises."

[Tony Bennett's don't
get around much anymore]

- ♪ Missed the Saturday dance ♪

♪ heard they crowded the floor ♪

- [Sobbing]

- ♪ Couldn't bear
it without you ♪

♪ don't get around
much anymore ♪

♪ darling, I guess ♪

♪ my mind's more at ease ♪

♪ but nevertheless ♪

♪ why stir up memories? ♪

♪ Been invited on dates ♪

- Good-bye, bitey.

Well, I guess I need to
read all of these scripts

to determine which one
has the greatest probability

of succeeding in this ever
changing global marketplace.

I used to only
say stuff like that

in my white nerd voice.

- ♪ Don't get around
much anymore ♪

- Jeez, I feel like
we're at a deli.

- Deli? Save it for
the honeymoon.

Okay, you take our
paperwork to the clerk,

because black women love you.

- Oh, I see you over
there, you little gumdrop.

Don't hide from Shanice.

- I'll get us some witnesses,
and then we'll get married,

and magically become
amazing parents,

just like the Hiltons.

- Oh, here he comes. Mm, mm, mm.

I'll give you a bath in
the sink, like a baby.

Ooh-wee!

- Excuse me, what
number are you guys?

Would you be able to
stay and be our witnesses?

- You really didn't invite
anyone to your wedding?

- No, I mean, who cares, right?

We're at city hall.

You guys are
wearing Mets t-shirts.

- Yeah, 'cause we were
wearing them when we first...

Both: Met.

- My god, you're beautiful.

- This is the greatest
day of my life.

Now, let me guess.

You guys are dressed like that
'cause you met at a laundromat

after you both ran
out of clean clothes.

- No, it's 'cause this
is just a piece of paper.

- Oh, that's us!
That's our number!

Come on, our number.

- You okay?

- Yeah, you know, I just thought

there'd be more people
here in gym clothes

carrying bags
full of toilet paper.

- Look, we don't
have to do it this way.

You know, I always
imagined getting married

right when they
take your picture

on splash mountain.

But weddings are
about the bride,

so if you want
your special day...

- I don't need a special day.

You know, the first
wedding I ever went to,

I was a flower girl
for my aunt Linda.

When they said, "you
may now kiss the bride,"

I did my first ever eye roll.

And today, I honor
that little girl's eye roll

with this masterpiece.

[Richard Strauss' also
sprach zarathustra plays]

♪ ♪

That's how much Liz Lemon
cares about having a special day.

- Great, 'cause I forgot
my birth certificate.

- Are you kidding me, Chros?

- And even though Shanice said

she'd let it slide if
I sat on her hand,

[phone buzzing]

- What?

- Liz Lemon, I haven't
seen anything in the news

about attitudes towards
marriage changing forever

because of one brave woman.

Is everything okay?

- Everything's fine.

- I emailed Tony Bennett,

just in case you
came to your senses.

He's singing at the white
house, but will cancel for me.

Oh, also, I told
him you're Italian,

so he might call you "Tina."

[Chuckles]

- Okay, so we'll
take another number,

I'll get some witnesses,

you'll get your
birth certificate.

It's not wedding stress.

I'm no more annoyed right now

than I was when
you got that haircut

without consulting me.

- Oh, yeah.

You can walk away from
me all day, you little tiger cub.

[Growls]

I work at the marriage bureau,
but I'll never get married.

- Sir, we have a big problem.

[Knock on door]

- I didn't want anyone to
see me like this, she lied.

- Jenna, when I said
what you were worth,

that was a negotiation tactic.

- $2,000, Jack?

I've stolen more than that
from my cleaning lady's purse.

- In this market, $2,000
is more than respectable.

I mean, look at Kenneth.

He's worth $5, tops.

I'm going to hold
you to that, sir.

- Is that supposed to
make me feel better?

Everyone around
here is human garbage.

- Okay, well, then, look at me.

If you're past your
prime, then so am I.

I've been divorced twice.

I'm at an age where I no
longer need erectile softeners.

I'm number two at an
American television company,

with no possibility
of promotion.

I'll probably die in this job.

I've already had
one heart attack.

I used to be a young
man with promise.

I coined the phrase,
"you wish, pal."

But now, I'm sitting here

trying to cheer up
a $2,000 actress,

because a janitor said
I hurt her feelings, so...

Oh, god.

I'm worth less than you.

- Oh, thank you, Jack.

- What are you doing? Why
did you change your clothes?

- Well, this is
what I was wearing

when we met in riverside park.

Remember, you
said, "nice turtleneck."

- No, I said...

[Sarcastically]
"Nice turtleneck."

- And thank you again.

- Great, so now
you're more dressed up

than I am at my own wedding,

but whatever. I got witnesses.

These guys were in the park,

either fighting or having sex.

- Okay, well, I
thought it might be nice

to have a witness
we actually know.

Of course, it had to be someone

with nothing to do on a
Wednesday afternoon...

- no, no, no. You didn't.

- Mazel tov, dummies.

You're Jewish, right, Liz?

- Oh, my god. What
is wrong with you?

You forgot your
birth certificate,

you invited Dennis.

If you can't take
this seriously,

maybe there's not
going to be a wedding.

- Okay, is this a
big deal or not?

- I don't know.

It's not the most
important day of my life.

Getting my show picked
up, or meeting you,

or the time I got a sleeve
of starburst with all pink,

those were all
more important days.

- So you're yelling
at me because...

- because I'm Liz Lemon.

My parents spent the money
they saved up for my wedding

on a P.T. cruiser.

I have been sure for a long time

that this was never
going to happen,

and I was fine with it.

Ergo, it couldn't matter.

- "Ergo."

Affleck's finally going
to get that Oscar.

- [Groans]

And I'm still 90% right.

It's stupid. It doesn't matter.

Guess what?

You wasted a lot of
money on that dress.

- Oh, actually, it was
my grandmother's.

She made it out
of parachute silk

while hiding from the Germans.

- Shut up.

And then you came along,

and now we're doing this,

and a tiny little part
of me that I hate

wants to be a Princess.

- Liz, it's okay to
be a human woman.

- No, it's not. It's the worst,

because of society.

- I mean, why do you
watch wedding bitches

in the first place?

And why did I find this hidden
under your underwear ball?

- Sol Rosenbear.

He never got enough time in
his garden before he passed.

I want today to be special.

- God, do you have any idea

how hard it was to
get you to admit that?

"I forgot my birth certificate."

"Let's invite Dennis."

- [Sighs] You were playing me.

"I'll wear my
stupid turtleneck."

- Wait, you think it's stupid?

- We're going to
get married today,

but we're going to do it right.

We need rings and flowers,

and I'm going to
put on deodorant,

and you're going to wear a suit

that makes you look like a
little marzipan candy man.

So let's go, people.
It's my special day.

- The Moses of Maryland.

Page one.

"Open on: Interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18..."

[cries out]

- Tracy. Tracy.

Tracy, it's me, Harriet tubman.

- Harriet?

What is this place?

- Don't you know?
It's your mind.

We aren't so
different, you and I.

You grew up in the Bronx.

I grew up interior Maryland
slave shack, the year 18.

And while I dreamed of becoming

the first woman to
surf around the world...

Really? Is that
what you think I did?

- I only read the first
page of the script.

- Use context clues.

- Whatever. I'm dead now.

- Oh, no, Tracy.
You're not dead.

I told you, we're in your mind.

Why else would Harriet
tubman look and sound

like your boss, Jim Dennison...

Oh, come on. You
know that's wrong.

- Wait a minute.

If this is my mind, I should
be able to control you.

- No, no, that only
works in dreams.

- Eat a corn on the
cob, and make it sexy.

Great, so I'm not dead.

I'm going to have to
keep on living forever now.

- No, my homie. I can
say that, because I'm you.

It doesn't matter
if you're healthy.

At any moment, you
could still get hit by a cab

just crossing the street.

- Right.

So there's still many
ways I could die.

I could fall into a manhole,

or I could forget my
chimpanzee's birthday.

- It's time to go now.

Time to go back to
being Tracy Jordan.

Wake up.

- Oh my god,
Tracy. Are you okay?

- I almost died. I've
never been better.

- Okay, good, 'cause
I'm kind of in a rush.

I'm getting married.

Liz Lemon is getting
married today.

- Liz Lemon's getting married?

Harry Truman was right.

Anything's possible.

Oh, what a world...

- [screams]

- I'm fine. Go get married.

- Okay.

- The next project
is going to be

Toofer's Harriet tubman movie.

- Are you sure,
tray? It's pretty boring.

I read it in the bath on
one of my Grizz days.

- It's perfect.

'Cause it's the most
irresponsible choice I can make.

A super expensive period piece
starring a middle aged woman.

No one's going
to want to see it.

And I'm probably not going
to be alive when it comes out.

Now let's go buy a
blimp to scout locations.

[Phone rings]

- It's about time, Lemon.

- Whatever, just
get down to city hall.

- It's 30 minutes
away. I'll be there in 10.

- Navy, Gray, maroon, Gray...

Am I depressed?

Later.

[Gasps]

Oh, you'll do quite nicely.

- Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on.

Black Dennis, start the car.

- What? It's the only
white dress I own.

- But your hair.

- I'm a Princess.

- And will you be
exchanging rings?

- Oh.

Tito was a drug dealer
the police shot in the face.

In riverside park,
where we first met.

- It's perfect.

- Do you take this
lady as your wife?

- I do.
- Do you take this man...

- I do.

- "'But you see, '
said Roark quietly,

'I've chosen the
work I want to do.

'And I can find Joy
only if I do my work

in the best way
possible to me.'"

- By the authority vested in
me by the state of New York,

I now pronounce
you husband and wife.

- ♪ For love came just in time ♪

♪ I found you just in time ♪

♪ you changed my lonely life ♪

♪ that lovely day ♪

- Oh, my lip is
caught on the grill.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- ♪ I've got the
world on a string ♪

♪ I'm sitting on a rainbow ♪

♪ I've got the string
around my finger ♪

- Lemon, earlier today,

I took a hard look at
where life has led me,

and I didn't like what I saw.

But now, looking
at you, I realize...

- that anything's possible?

You know, I'm attractive.

I've got cheekbones,

and a pair you can
do something with.

- I'm just saying,
from a grateful nation,

thank you, Liz Lemon.

There's hope for us all.

- Black Dennis got
some cop's gun.

[Woman screaming]

- ♪ I've got that string
around my finger ♪

♪ what a world, what a life ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪