All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E06.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- What?

Hold on. Your name
is Jack Donaghy?

That's hilarious.
- I bet your pardon.

Where is your supervisor?

- Oh, you sound just like him.

Now say, "don't
talk to me like that.

Don't you know who I am?"

- I will not say that
because you just ruined it.

- [Laughs]

[Phone ringing]

- Jack Donaghy.

[Laughter]

- What, pray tell, is so funny?

Both: I'll give you
something to laugh about.

[Laughter]
- I can't believe he said it.

- Gabe, Google: "Jack
Donaghy and black laughter."

- Hold up.

You're Jack Donaghy. [Laughs]

- Why am I suddenly
an object of derision

in your community?

I've championed
diversity on NBC.

I mean, we've got football.

That's pretty black, right?

- I'm laughing
because Jack Donaghy

is the bad guy
from Tracy Jordan's

aunt Phatso movie.

- But you can't shut us down.

The $25,000 rap
competition is in two days.

- Well, unless you can
come up with $25,000

in just two days, I'm
turning this community center

into of my garbage dumps.

- Ooh, damn you, Jack Donaghy.

[Flatulence] Aah!

- [Laughs]

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

[Loud footsteps]

- Aah, this is so embarrassing.

I accidentally wore
my tap shoes today.

Well, might as well do my act.

Now imagine I'm
wearing underwear.

- Hazel, what'd I
tell you last time

you tried to audition for me?

- "Aah, who's there?
Please don't hurt me.

The safe's in my
children's room."

- You're not
getting on the show.

[Stomps]

- Too bad, Hazel.

Look like everyone's
onto your crazy now.

- Why don't you make like
a woman driver and get lost?

- 'Cause I'd rather
make like the father

I never had and stay.

- Well, don't worry
about me, Jenna.

I've got everyone
I need on my side.

- Who, Kenneth?
[Chuckles]

- The things he knows
about you people...

For instance, someone here

sucks on old baby wipes to
get the alcohol out of them.

- Who does that?
That's my thing!

- And one of the
days, Kenneth's gonna

tell me something I can use.

And then I'll make my move.

- Well, time is running out.

Tick tock, Hazel.

The clock is ticking.

- Well, you know
what else ticks?

A time bomb.

So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.

- Oh, there she is. Finally.

Liz, where have you been?

- I told you, like, ten times.

I had a doctor's
appointment today.

My bunions are out of control.

The podiatrist said the
only possible explanation

is that one of my ancestors
mated with a dinosaur.

- Well, while you were out
we had a little budget snafu.

We can't build any new sets.
- Ugh.

- So you're gonna have
to completely rewrite

tomorrow's show so that

everything takes
place in a farmhouse.

- Pete, the budget is your job.

- Who are we to
stay what anything is?

- [Sighs] Okay.

What did you write after
Pete told you we're short?

- Liz, we spent a long time

trying to come up with
a good excuse for why

we didn't write
anything, but we failed.

- I put off this doctor's
appointment for months.

They had to saw me
out of my sneakers.

And I need
quadruple-bunion surgery,

but I can't get it
because I would

have to be off my
feet for three weeks.

And that would require
someone else around here

to actually step up.

I would stomp off right now,

but my doctor says I
need to walk like this.

- [Laughs]

Delightful... Charlie chaplin.

You have the moustache
and everything.

- What's the matter,
Jack Donaghy?

Did somebody accidentally
swing a wrecking ball...

- what are you doing in here?
[TV shuts off]

- Uh, Lemon, do
you think I'm a villain?

- I have heard you
say, "guard, seize him."

- That was at a Knicks game.

They needed to stop the clock.

Why are you limping?

A foot illness or
fell running for food?

- I need bunion surgery,

but I can't get bunion surgery

because I have to do
everything around here.

- No, you choose to do
everything around here.

You need an assistant.
- What? No.

I mean, I can always use Cerie.

Although, the one time I
did send her on an errand

she met some guy
who flew her to Paris,

and then she started modeling.

And then she ended
up being the reason

why the French soccer
team did so badly

in the 2010 world cup.

- Hire someone,
someone dedicated

to making your life easier.

- I don't know.

- You wanna start a
family, you have to prioritize.

How can you take care of a child

if you can't take
care of your own feet?

- [Sighs]

- Hey, Grizz. Hey, Dot Com.

Get me a black coffee, by which

I mean, a sunkist.

- How could you think
we're Grizz and Dot Com?

- 'Cause I don't see
race, you white bastards.

- Tracy...

Would you care to explain this?

[Laughter]

- What, pray tell, is so funny?

- Jack Donaghy, don't you
know in this neighborhood

you got to take
your tires with you?

[Laughter]

- Aunt Phatso, you're fired.

You're all fired.

- [Laughs] What is this?

- That's Tracy
Jordan's aunt Phatso

goes to the
hospitals goes to jail.

- When did you make a movie?
- Fourth of July weekend.

I wrote, directed, and did
all of the makeup myself.

- Oh, it's terrible.

- We made $50
million... In Atlanta.

- That man is portraying me.

- That's Leslie van Vondervann.

He's used to be
on "knots landing."

- My twin is dead.

- Unacceptable.

After all I've done for you...

I've brought you
back from the dead

and revived you career.

And this is how you thank me?

- You will respect me.

Amd you will respect
these boobies.

[Laughter]

- [Laughs]

- I want every DVD of this movie

removed from stores, burned,

and melted into a statue
of you apologizing to me.

- I will do no such thing.

The only statue that
movie will be turned into

is a N.A.A.C.P. shame award.

- Hey, is there another
one of these coming out?

Because I think
I saw an ad for it

in urban buttz magazine.

They have an
excellent word jumble.

- The new movie's
called Tracy Jordan's

aunt Phatso's Jack
Donaghy's we at it again.

- Oh, you will not
release that movie.

- You can't order me around.

Who do you think
I am? Liz Lemon?

- I will not have you talk to me

like I'm some kind of Liz Lemon.

- Whatever. I'll speak
at both your funerals.

- Typical Jack Donaghy,
giving me no respect.

I'm the CEO of my own company.

I'm rich. I'm just like you!

- Just like me? I
went to Princeton.

- I neglected a tiger.

- I'm on the board of the
New York philharmonic.

- I'm friends with
Phil harmonic,

the worst rapper of all time.

- And I'm your boss. I own you.

Think about that during
your five-night appearance

on wa tch what happens live.

- No! Andy Cohen is so catty.

- And that's just the beginning.

If you don't take care of this,

you're fired.

You're all fired.

- So tell me about
your day, Kevin.

I mean, Todd.

- Well, this morning miss Lemon

had one of her meltdowns.
- Really?

About what?
- Mm.

Because she can't balance
work and personal life.

But I mean, after seven years

and hundreds of these episodes,

it's like, let's move
on. [Chuckles]

- Liz needs help.

She needs someone
who's ambitious

and talented and
humble and a liar.

That's where Hazel comes in.

- Okay.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, let
me hang those up for you.

You've got better things to do,

you genius.
- Okay. Thanks.

- Oh, also, I put all the new
promos on your computer.

And I wasn't sure how
you take your coffee,

so mouth or enema?

- What's going on here, Hazel?

- You need help.

I know you're trying
to get pregnant

because I think
about it all the time.

You on top, your
hair whipping around.

But what if you do have a kid

and you have to leave
work because your daughter

shot her choir
teacher's husband?

I mean, that's the kind of stuff

my mom had to deal with.

- Wow, okay.

Well, I'm just not sure
that I'm comfortable...

Did you get me a
second mini-fridge?

- No. I got you a mini-freezer,

full of candy bars so cold

they'll crack your
jaw, you bitch.

[Shushes]

- I didn't say any...
- [shushes]

Look, I wanna help.

You're my hero. Just
give me a chance.

Sisters helping
sisters. Glass ceiling.

Legitimate rape.

- Okay, Hazel.

I'm gonna get my foot surgery.

And if you can be
my eyes and ears

while I'm stuck on the
couch, you've got the job.

- Great.

Now, if it's okay with you,

I am gonna go
wash your sweatshirt.

- You got it unstuck
from the chair!

[Applause]

- Good evening.

The New York philharmonic
is thrilled to announce

that we've recently received
a very generous donation

that will keep us fully endowed

for the next decade.

[Applause]

In honor of that gift,
tonight's scheduled program

of Debussy and
Rachmaninoff will be replaced

with a selection chosen
by our anonymous donor.

So please enjoy a
four-hour rendition

of the theme song
from sanford and son.

[Playing orchestral
version of the streetbeater]

♪ ♪

- Now who's in charge?

- Here we go.
- Hazel, thank you

for taking care of everything.

[Grunts]

I can't believe you
got my health plan

to cover all this.
- Oh.

You just need to know
what to say to them,

like their children's names

and what they
wore to school today.

- Oh.
[Chuckles]

Oh, will you send Frank in?

I wanna see what they
wrote to fill the fifth act.

- Or. Since I'm here to help,

maybe I could fill the time.

I still know my rhythmic
gymnastics routine.

I was good...

Until I hit puberty
and the coaches said

I got too pregnant.
- Are you kidding?

I'm not gonna put
you on the show.

- Oh.
[Knock at door]

- Uh, Lemon, a word?
- Hey, guy!

You can't just walk in
here whenever you want.

How can I help you?

- So Lemon has an
assistant? Excellent.

Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon.

- Mm.

[Buzz] A Mr. Donaghy
here for you.

- Get off this channel!

This is a military frequency.

- Okay, you can go in.

- So you got your surgery

and the world hasn't ended?

- I think I can do
this, Jack, all of it.

I mean, right now, my feet

are kind of like babies.

I have to swaddle them,
and they need ointment,

and, like, six times a day
Brown stuff comes out of them.

You're beautiful
babies, yes you are.

- Look, Lemon, I
need some advice.

Tracy is actually
trying to fight back.

He ruined a wonderful
evening at the philharmonic,

paying them to
play the same song

over and over again for hours.

[Sanford and son rhythm]
♪ I can't remember... ♪

♪ I can't remember what it was ♪

But the point is, the
man is totally irrational.

- You know what? Tracy's right.

You two are a lot alike.
- I beg your pardon?

- You're both
stubborn, you're rich,

you think you're
right all the time.

You wanted to prove
that you're not like Tracy?

Let it go.
- Or crush him,

and prove you both wrong.

Get two birds with one stone,

like when I used Mick
Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn

and David Crosby
to my birthday party.

- Listen yourself. You
sound exactly like Tracy.

- [Mouthing] No.

- [Gasps]

Just the person I wanted to see.

Oh. Hi, Kenneth.

Look, I need to tell you
something about Hazel.

- Oh, no, ma'am. I don't think

I should talk to you
anymore about her.

You only have bad things to say.

Uh, Hazel's my girlfriend.

- Kenneth, this sounds insane,

but I care about
you as a friend.

I take in 50 calories a day and

I'm using them all up
just trying to help you.

- Then just be
happy that I'm happy.

- You're happy because of Hazel?

What could she possibly
give you that I can't?

- Well, I'll tell you what
she gives me, Ms. Maroney.

She listens to me.

- Just tell me what it is.

- I tell her what
happened during my day

and she actually
wants to hear about it.

Can you give me
that, Ms. Maroney?

- [Shrugs and
grunts] I don't know.

- Ah, Tracy, thank
you for coming.

Please, have a seat.

- No, thank you. I
prefer to lie down.

- These are my lawyers.

One is German, one is Japanese.

And you don't bring these
guys together to play Patty-cake.

This is war.

- Bad news, Jack.

War's my favorite card game.

And I win about half the time.

- Here's the rub, Tracy.

Because you were reckless enough

to name your businessman
villain "Jack Donaghy,"

I can Sue you for libel.

I'm gonna take
every penny you have.

- Not the ones I've swallowed.

- We'll see about that.

- Dude, it's not libel.

Everything Jack Donaghy
does in the movie,

I've seen you do in real life.

- Really? When have you seen me

do something like this?

- You're a menace, aunt Phatso.

But now that I'm
on the city council,

I'm cancelling your
urban youth program.

- Oh, lord!
- [Laughs]

- What? You did cancel a
program for urban youth.

It was my Saturday
morning kid's show,

uncle Tracy's black
teletubbies rip-off.

- I cancelled it
because, like you,

it was overly sexual and
impossible to understand.

- Grabalujah!
- Fine!

I've technically cancelled
an urban children's program.

But what about this
assault on my good name?

- Not so fast, you crone.

I bought all the wheelchair
ramps in this city.

And I'm turning them
into more profitable stairs!

- When have I ever
verbally accosted

an old woman in a wheelchair?

- Liz Lemon, 20 minutes ago.

- Another technicality.

But the climax of
this monstrosity...

- [German accent]
That is what she said.

- Is when Jack Donaghy
shuts down an orphanage.

And I have never shut
down an orphanage.

- You're right. I put that in

just to have a part in there
for a little girl in my movie.

I'm Willow Smith-ing
my daughter.

Her album drops next week.

- [Bleep] Christmas
[Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]

[Bleep] [Bleep] Blankie.

- This is libel, Tracy. I win.

Checkmate. Game, set, match.

Rumbledy-goo...

Which is what you say
when you win in Polo.

- Tell me about your day.

I'm listening.

- Well, Ms. Maroney,

[distorted slow audio]
This morning, I was...

- you're doing amazing.

I wish you could see how
sexy your listening face is.

For Halloween, you
should go as a slutty ear.

What do you wanna do now?

Sing? Yeah, let's.

♪ I'll be up here ♪

♪ and I'll be down here ♪

♪ Jenna's blonde as a sunrise ♪

♪ hot as the sun ♪

♪ Bright as a shining sun ♪

- But with that being said,

how do you know when
you both feel the same way?

I mean, sometimes I think...

- ♪ Jenna is listening ♪

♪ listening like
the sun in the sky ♪

- Ooh. Uh-oh.

Somebody needs to be changed.

- Need anything else, boss man?

- I guess just bring
in the wheelchair

so you can roll me down
to the floor for the show.

- What? No, Liz.

You had surgery this morning.

- Sure, but I have to be there.

- Oh, I would slap
you if I didn't think

it would lead to a kiss.

This is about priorities.

What if those feet
were real babies?

Would you walk on them to work?

What kind of mother are you,

you beautiful monster?

- Hazel, I have missed
one show in seven years,

and it did not go well.

- Aah!

Josh, help me!

- You're not gonna
miss the show.

You're gonna watch it
on the feed, baby girl.

Idiot.

I'll be next to Pete
the whole time.

And if there's an emergency,

your wheelchair's right outside.

- Well, I guess that could work.

- Let me be your eyes on set.

Although I can never
match that amazing color.

- Criss calls it
"old-timey football."

- [Giggles]

- Five minutes to
air, five minutes.

- Wow. This is really working.

Hey, is that me?

Okay, no, that can't be...

Oh, brother, that's me!

It's an old show? Son of a...

- well, this email is from Liz.

- Duh.

Now, for my act, I'm
gonna need a tarp

because the first
three rows will get wet.

- [Grunts]

Why are my arms so weak?

It's like I did that push-up
last year for nothing.

- And two minutes
to air. Two minutes!

- [Grunts] Aah.

I'm sorry, babies.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Aah!

Ow!

[Groans]

Aah!

Wassername!

- Huh? Oh... Oh, where am I?

[Gasps] Oh, Pete roofied me.

- Seriously, Hornberger?

You were gonna
put her on the air?

- You told me to!
I have your email.

"P-dog, let's use
Hazel in the cold open.

"Don't call me about this.

Catch you on the flippy-floppy."

That's you.

- You people killed
my foot babies.

My foot babies died
because of this show!

You're fired.
- You can't fire me.

You don't even
know my real name.

- Get out! Now!

- [Squawks]
- Ow.

- Did you just
fire my girlfriend?

- She's crazy, Kenneth.

- No, she's not.

Ms. Maroney
knows the real Hazel.

Tell them what I told you.

- Oh, god, what do I do?

Help me, me.

This one's on you, bitch.

[Car door slams
and tires screeching]

- Were you not listening?

- I think a song
right now would...

- that's it!

From now on, my
relationship with all of you

is strictly professional.

We are no longer friends.

I am just a co-worker
who would do

anything for any
of you at any time.

Nothing more!

- And we're live
in three, two...

[crickets chirping]

- Oh, yeah. They
didn't write anything.

- [Crying]

- Tracy, this is a surprise.

I thought you'd be at
home licking your wounds.

- No, that's why they
put that cone on me.

I just wanted to give you this.

- "You are cordially invited
to attend the premiere

"of Tracy Jordan's aunt Phatso's

"Jack Donaghy's we at it again.

"A percentage
of the film's profits

will go to support the
knuckle beach orphanage."

I don't understand.

- Without that
money, the orphanage

is gonna have to close.

- So if I shut down the movie,

I actually will close
down an orphanage.

Which means the
movie isn't libelous.

Which means I can't
shut down the movie.

That's... genius.

You win, Tracy.

You bested Jack Donaghy.

- Now you finally respect me.

And that's all I ever wanted.

- I really can't stop
you from portraying me

as the villain in your films.

- What? Come on.

Did you not watch the
whole movie, Jackie D?

- Well, it's 47 minutes long.

- In the end, Jack
Donaghy is not the villain.

- You win, aunt Phatso.

You bested Jack Donaghy.

- Now you finally respect me.

And that's all I ever wanted...

Except maybe that
hot little body of yours.

- Great Caesar's ghost!
[Sultry music]

- [Laughs] Aw, baby.

- Hm. Our thing
sure is playing out

just like the movie.

[Sultry music]

- Oh, look, it's Liz!
- Good old Liz!

- Well, my feet are ruined.

The show was an embarrassment.

But I learned
something super fun.

I will never be able
to have a family

and work at TGS.

It's just not possible.

So what do I do?

- Don't ask me.
Tracy's the genius here.

- Oh, well, tray, I'm scared.

Do I give up on my dream job,

something I've worked
my whole life to build?

Or do I give up on my
dream of having a family?

- Well, as a wise
woman once told me...

[as aunt Phatso]
Respect these boobies!

[Laughter]

- Seriously though,
what am I gonna do?

[Playing orchestral
version of the streetbeater]

♪ ♪

[Orchestra pauses]

♪ ♪