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[Jaunty music]
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00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:10,552
♪ ♪
3
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,137
- All right, Lemon, you got me.
4
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:15,307
Yes, this is the
same flashy night tie
5
00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:17,076
I was wearing when
I left work yesterday.
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00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,185
My hair is a disaster.
7
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,687
I am indeed on a walk of shame.
8
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:22,147
- You slut!
9
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,525
- That woman was
pizzarina Sbarro,
10
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:27,611
the heiress to the Sbarro
slice and calzone fortune.
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00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,423
I should be heading
upstairs to change,
12
00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,156
I wouldn't want anyone seeing me
13
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,448
like this.
14
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,159
- Come on. Walk of shame?
15
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:35,994
I say call it a stride of pride
16
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,955
and walk with your
arms up, like this.
17
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,249
- That is surprisingly
non-judgmental.
18
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,208
- I'm 41 years old, Jack.
19
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,210
I'm no stranger to
the walk of shame.
20
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,088
Yes, I'm still wearing the
same clothes as yesterday.
21
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,381
I stayed up all night
22
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,300
helping Bradley
finish the Joseph coat.
23
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:53,011
- Just hearing that story
tells me that Bradley was gay.
24
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:54,012
- Only sexually.
25
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,615
But I've come a
long way since then.
26
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,433
In fact, since Criss
and I have been trying,
27
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,143
Liz Lemon has had
a little awakening
28
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,812
in her bathing suit area.
29
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,331
- Lemon, I've seen
your bathing suits.
30
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,874
That could be anywhere.
- I'm serious, Jack.
31
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,378
I feel like I'm ready
for one of those
32
00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,901
sex and the city
girls' brunches,
33
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:10,862
where you talk about dirty
stuff and make a lot of puns, like,
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00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,365
"and I thought I
was eating eggs."
35
00:01:13,657 --> 00:01:15,909
So is Zarina your
new girlfriend?
36
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,662
Should I, uh, invite her
to my sex talk brunch?
37
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,789
- Zarina is not my girlfriend,
38
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,401
she's one of a diverse group
of women I'm currently seeing.
39
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,294
- Group? Back to judgmental.
40
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,786
- Lemon, after Avery, I
realized I'm never going to find
41
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,232
everything I'm looking
for in one woman.
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00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,674
It's not fair to the ladies,
43
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:32,646
just because I'm the,
uh, complete package.
44
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,220
- You are a complete package.
- I got the idea
45
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,681
watching the great
escape on TCM one night,
46
00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:40,017
how that ragtag bunch of heroes
47
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,728
worked together to be greater
than the sum of their parts.
48
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,021
Bronson was the brawn,
49
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,415
Attenborough was the brains,
50
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,815
garner was the scrounger,
51
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,734
McQueen was the
hottie with the body.
52
00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:50,110
I'll say it.
53
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,842
- Uh-huh. And, uh,
how many prisoners
54
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:53,405
do you have in
this little stalag?
55
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,158
- Zarina is the society girl
I take to black-tie events,
56
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,969
when I want to talk
politics I call Anne,
57
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,870
Tabitha knows how
to work my DVR,
58
00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,331
and Mindy is my, uh, sex idiot.
59
00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:03,891
- And what if they find
out about each other?
60
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,795
- They're all adults,
Lemon. They'll understand.
61
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,201
And if they did come to blows,
62
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,296
it would be, uh...
63
00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:10,588
Intensely erotic.
64
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:11,839
Like, uh,
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00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:14,635
Steve McQueen on a motorcycle.
66
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:16,678
Trying to jump that
fence into Switzerland,
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00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:17,970
but it's too high.
68
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:18,680
[Elevator dings]
69
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,808
He had a leather jacket.
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00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,271
- Hey, lady friends.
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00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,003
Who would like to
join me for brunch?
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My treat.
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00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,318
We could throw back some cosmos,
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00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,612
talk about our climaxes...
75
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,091
- if you heard my sex stories,
76
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,575
you would lose your mind!
77
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:39,576
- Sorry, Liz.
78
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,703
I'm not even sure they
serve brunch after...
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00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:42,995
The '90s.
80
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:43,705
- Liz, check this out.
81
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,749
"Jenna Maroney,
looking great at..."
82
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,377
- 56? Blarf!
83
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,271
Okay, we are at a code
orange here, people.
84
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:52,130
A magazine has
said that Jenna is 56.
85
00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:54,132
- God, no... I have children!
86
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:54,758
- We'll get through
this together.
87
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,402
Pete, you go down
to the news stand.
88
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,637
Buy every copy, and burn them.
89
00:02:58,929 --> 00:02:59,471
Cerie, get out of here.
90
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,764
Just go home for the day.
91
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,933
And Kenneth, get Jenna's copy
92
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,945
out of her dressing
room before she sees it.
93
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,479
Got it?
94
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:08,313
- Oh, my god, Liz.
95
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,649
I am furious.
96
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,085
- You know what would
make us all feel better?
97
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:13,109
A ladies' brunch.
98
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:14,903
These bitches are down for it.
99
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,488
- How can you be so calm?
100
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,199
I mean, why would
Tracy do this to you?
101
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:20,811
- Wait, what are
we talking about?
102
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,703
"I agree @therealstephenhawking.
103
00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,621
"Women are not funny.
104
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:25,497
"Never have been.
105
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,124
Never will be."
106
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,793
Nerd rage!
107
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,337
[Exciting jazz music]
108
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:40,629
♪ ♪
109
00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,581
- How am I supposed
to explain this
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00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,483
to Jenna, who has been
your comedy partner
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00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,152
for almost seven years?
112
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,587
- Do you want me to talk to her?
113
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,364
Honestly, I never realized
she was trying to be funny.
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00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,336
I guess I just thought
she was a wig model.
115
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,410
- Unacceptable.
- Come on, Lem Lizzit.
116
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,662
Name one truly funny woman.
117
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,039
- No. I refuse to answer
this question with a list.
118
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:08,999
It's insulting.
119
00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,001
- You wouldn't ask
an Asian person
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00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:12,893
to give you a list of
good Asian drivers.
121
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,464
- Gary tang, Ziang
Chu, Roy Chung...
122
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,382
- Stop it.
- I was done anyway.
123
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,135
Look, if women are so funny,
124
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:22,387
do something funny right now.
125
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,323
[Imitating a child's voice]
Welcome to the flower shop...
126
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,224
No! I don't have to
prove anything to you.
127
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:29,102
Maybe men and women
find different things funny.
128
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,355
Maybe things that men
like are boring to women.
129
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,232
- No, everyone likes our things.
130
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:35,524
- Football.
131
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,567
Motorcycles.
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00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:37,735
Steak restaurants.
133
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,571
Really dark superhero movies.
134
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,990
These are things that suck.
135
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,034
But women don't go
around wasting our time
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00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:45,446
writing articles about them.
137
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:49,706
And I am not gonna waste my
time engaging you on this topic.
138
00:04:49,998 --> 00:04:51,792
[Door slamming shut]
- Well, that went well.
139
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,723
- See? That's the
kind of hilarious button
140
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,254
chicks can't come up with.
141
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,555
- What is it, Kenneth?
I'm answering my fan mail.
142
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,892
- Oh, nothing. Just
doing my daily rounds.
143
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,353
Mmm, my lips are so dry.
144
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,524
I better wet them with this mop.
145
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:16,816
Oh, no.
146
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:20,946
Now my undershirt
is wet with mop juice.
147
00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,657
- Ohh, I see what's
going on here.
148
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,283
You be the janitor,
149
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,175
and I'll be the piece
of gum on the floor
150
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,745
that you just can't chisel off.
151
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:30,372
- Sure is hot in here.
152
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,250
Maybe I should roll up my pants.
153
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,542
- Oh, yeah.
154
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,033
Show me that part of your shins
155
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:40,215
that's hairless from
your synthetic socks.
156
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,050
- Liz, Liz, Liz.
157
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,385
- Oh, thank god.
158
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,157
Also, I called in a
fake page six item
159
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,387
about how young Jenna is.
160
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:47,796
I think our bases are covered.
161
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,015
- Wow. Okay, great.
162
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:49,933
We solved our Jenna problem.
163
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,769
We did it!
- Story over.
164
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,939
[The great escape theme playing]
165
00:05:56,231 --> 00:06:01,820
♪ ♪
166
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,963
- Are you hungry?
167
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:20,547
- No, I'm okay.
168
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,674
- Do you want to
go to a movie, or...
169
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,634
- no. We can just do it.
170
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,304
- [Chuckling] Oh, okay.
171
00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,055
Oh... Zarina, hello.
172
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:29,890
- Jack.
173
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:31,975
- Uh, this is Mindy.
Mindy, Zarina.
174
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,144
- Pleasure.
- Yeah.
175
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:35,645
Oh, shiny.
176
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,439
- Uh, look, I know
this is awkward.
177
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,131
But we never said
we were exclusive.
178
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:40,637
And like a silver-backed gorilla
179
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:41,985
or mitt Romney's grandfather,
180
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,637
I require more than
one woman to...
181
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:44,904
- oh, Jack, I understand.
182
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,157
I'm sure Mindy gives
you certain things I can't.
183
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:48,074
- Indeed.
184
00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:49,993
The woman appears
to have no hip joints.
185
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,445
Thank you for being so, uh...
186
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:53,163
- Zarina.
187
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,498
Another old guy
wanted to buy my shirt.
188
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,083
Old guys are so funny.
189
00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,084
- Who is this?
190
00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:00,128
- Oh... Jack, Ryan. Ryan, Jack.
191
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,213
- Ryan.
- What's up?
192
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,966
- Ryan is my sex idiot.
193
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,387
- So, the other night
194
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:12,682
my boyfriend and I
were making love,
195
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,852
and I suggested that
we wear sleep masks.
196
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,438
I hit my nose pretty hard
197
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,832
on the bedside table, but...
198
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:20,482
- Liz Lemon.
199
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,943
I just saw this hilarious
dude on YouTube.
200
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,028
You gotta put him on the show.
201
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,738
- No, it's...
202
00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:28,657
Of course, a hilarious dude.
203
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,589
What was it, some
idiot who let his friend
204
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,619
skateboard over his penis?
- Even better.
205
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,413
It's a monkey, and his name
is professor Wigglebottom.
206
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:36,414
- A monkey?
207
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,041
So no women are funny,
208
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,894
but you want me to put
a monkey on the show.
209
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:42,379
- Oh, my god, are we
still talking about that?
210
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,130
We debated this
already, and I won.
211
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,383
- Tracy, I'm not putting
any monkeys on TGS.
212
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,676
Because you know what?
213
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,248
I don't think monkeys are funny.
214
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,638
- How dare you
generalize so crassly.
215
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:52,347
I'm offended.
- Okay.
216
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,307
Name one funny monkey.
217
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,267
- Bonzo, Clyde, the bear...
218
00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,645
No! I refuse to answer
this question with a list.
219
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,523
It's insulting to monkeys,
and their descendants...
220
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,815
Humans!
221
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:05,235
I win again.
222
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,921
- You're okay with
this, right, Jack?
223
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,279
- Of course. How could I not be?
224
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,239
I'm great-escaping you,
225
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:11,251
so you have every
right to, uh, do the same.
226
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,243
- My generation
calls it pokemoning.
227
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,412
Gotta catch 'em all.
228
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,205
I assume your, uh, sex idiot
229
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,657
gives you something I cannot.
230
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,667
Although I can't imagine
what that might be.
231
00:08:20,959 --> 00:08:22,711
- [Whispering inaudibly]
232
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,338
- Really?
233
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,257
Uh, so how many other
pokemons are there?
234
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,633
- Jack.
235
00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:32,637
The plural of
Pokemon is "Pokemon."
236
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:33,638
- Huh!
- Mindy... Mindy...
237
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,932
- no, Ryan Lochte!
238
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:43,940
- Ms. Maroney.
239
00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:46,443
Did you see this
newspaper headline?
240
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,362
"Teens gone wild: Is Jenna
Maroney partying too hard?"
241
00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,406
Be careful, you don't
want to turn out like
242
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:52,949
Amanda byne-us.
243
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,617
Did I do it right?
244
00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,411
- That's a lie.
245
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,747
I am much too old to party.
246
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,373
I watch castle,
247
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,265
and my purse is filled
with sweet'n lows.
248
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,169
Liz, can I ask you a question?
249
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:05,170
- Don't let her take me.
250
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,605
It's not gonna be a
question, it's gonna be
251
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:09,049
a series of mean statements.
252
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:11,134
- If I find out that
someone around here
253
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,845
planted this disgusting
story that I'm young,
254
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,181
I'm gonna do to them
what I did to my own ribs...
255
00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:17,932
Take them out.
256
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,851
- Jeez... it was
me, okay? I did it.
257
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,729
- Them magazine said I was 56.
258
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:23,646
- Wait, you saw that?
259
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:24,647
- Well, of course I did.
260
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,149
I planted it.
261
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,734
- What? Why?
262
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,070
- To escape the curse of
the middle-aged actress.
263
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,864
Instead of losing a push-up
contest to Julie Bowen
264
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,241
to see who gets to play
Kevin James's mean wife
265
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:36,868
who he's sick of
having sex with,
266
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,453
I'm gonna skip ahead to being
267
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:41,206
an amazing slut who wins oscars.
268
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,999
I mean, how hot is Helen Mirren?
269
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,310
- Super-hot. I
mean, have you seen
270
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,561
that picture of her in a bikini?
271
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,753
She looks amazing for...
272
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,254
- exactly... "for."
273
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:51,925
She looks amazing
for a 67-year-old.
274
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,343
She's actually not that hot.
275
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,011
She's got a gut
and British legs.
276
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:55,804
- All right, settle down.
277
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,096
Well, now we know.
278
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,848
It won't happen again.
279
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,350
- What if it's too late, Liz?
280
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,282
I'm in the running for
an endorsement deal
281
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,561
with Gerichair,
282
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,772
america's number one
motorized stair climber.
283
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,064
- I know Gerichair.
284
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:08,910
They're the company
that makes my bed steps.
285
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,902
- You better not have
messed this up for me, Liz.
286
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,570
Because I will
287
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:16,241
take them out.
288
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:20,120
- [Giggling] I'm
scared, but it tickles.
289
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,081
- I am aware of this.
290
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,000
Zarina is great-escaping me,
291
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,572
and of course, I'm fine with it.
292
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,337
- Really? Because
I've seen that look
293
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:30,629
on your face before.
294
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:31,952
When Jack Welch called you Rick.
295
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,288
- And I was fine with that too.
296
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,968
I mean, he and I
had met only, like,
297
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,303
a million times, so why
should he remember me.
298
00:10:37,595 --> 00:10:39,264
Maybe I should
meet these other men
299
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,640
in Zarina's Pokemon.
300
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:41,932
- No, bad idea.
301
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,327
- There are no bad ideas, Lemon,
302
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,145
only great ideas that
go horribly wrong.
303
00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,273
- Look, when no conceivable
good can come of something,
304
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:49,774
don't engage.
305
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,544
I would love to keep
arguing with Tracy
306
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,408
about whether women
are funnier than monkeys...
307
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,781
- I once saw a monkey
in a cowboy outfit.
308
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,551
[Laughing] I would
love to see the town
309
00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,575
he's the sheriff of.
310
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:00,701
- The point is,
311
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,023
why do I care what Tracy thinks?
312
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,358
I don't, 'cause I
know the truth.
313
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,831
Women are just as funny as men,
314
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,332
and you know the truth too.
315
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:07,125
- I do.
316
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:08,710
I am the complete package.
317
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,129
I don't need to know what
one thing I give Zarina.
318
00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,421
I mean, who cares?
319
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:13,631
Not me.
- Great.
320
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:14,923
So we're not engaging.
321
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,091
This is growth, Jack.
322
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,361
And we are gonna celebrate
323
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,637
by going to a brunch
place and talking about
324
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,598
my new sex-positive lifestyle.
325
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:22,890
- Absolutely not.
326
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,034
- We did it in the shower.
327
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:25,476
My shoes got ruined.
328
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:28,605
- I said no!
329
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,315
- Sorry I'm late, everyone.
330
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,984
I had to pick my friend
up from the train station.
331
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:36,487
Say hello, professor
Wigglebottom!
332
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,240
[Laughter]
- Oh, that dude's awesome.
333
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,159
- See how he's wearing clothes?
334
00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:42,035
And he's got a suitcase
335
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,912
like he's going
on a business trip.
336
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:45,830
Why's he being so professional?
337
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,266
- We should put him on the show!
338
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,650
He could play a
young Steven Tyler.
339
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:49,459
[Laughter]
340
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:52,378
- He looks like
me if I were fancy.
341
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:53,880
- See, Liz?
342
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,215
Everyone's laughing!
343
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,842
Because there are
things that are just funny.
344
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,761
Like monkeys, the three stooges,
345
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,053
and me!
346
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:02,847
[Laughter]
347
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,307
And some things just aren't.
348
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:07,143
Like females, and
listing only two things.
349
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,980
I'd like to see Lucille
Ball do this on TV!
350
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,752
[Loud laughter]
- Male nipples, funny.
351
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,150
Monkey nipples, funny.
352
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,152
Female nipples, useless!
353
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:18,404
- Engaging!
354
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:19,822
All right, that's it!
355
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:20,698
I will prove to you
once and for all
356
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,034
that women are just
as funny as monkeys.
357
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:24,827
Jenna and I are re-mounting
358
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:28,831
our award-winning
1996 two-woman show.
359
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,876
Right here, 4:00
P.M., mandatory.
360
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,420
[Applause]
361
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:40,677
[Laughter]
362
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,762
[Cell phone buzzing]
363
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,592
- "Thinking of you, sweetie.
364
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,518
"X-o, Zarina."
365
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,353
"Sweetie."
366
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:54,190
Why didn't she write,
"thinking of you, Jackie-bear?"
367
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:58,361
She could have
written this... To anyone.
368
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,196
Jonathan, get me a young person.
369
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,198
Who has a social life.
370
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,783
It's a group email, isn't it?
371
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,202
This woman is pokemoning me.
372
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:07,036
- She's blind-copied you,
373
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,373
but if you just
click this plus sign...
374
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:13,126
Yep. There's the whole group.
375
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:16,379
- Hip420@brooklyn.beard,
376
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:20,466
"ryunloktee"... misspelled...
@swimteam.org,
377
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:24,554
kentremendous@fremulon.biz...
Ugh.
378
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,390
Totalpackage58...
Wait, that's me.
379
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,226
I don't care if
it takes all day.
380
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,678
I want you to teach me how to
381
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:34,480
copy all of those
email addresses
382
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,693
and paste them into a new email.
383
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,112
- No, I understand.
384
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,244
You'll let me know when
you've made a decision.
385
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:46,367
But... okay, bye.
386
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,994
- How's it going, friendy?
387
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,496
- Well, that was Gerald chair,
388
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:51,988
the inventor of the Gerichair.
389
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,250
They're leaning towards
Jamie Lee Curtis.
390
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,461
She already beat
me out for Activia,
391
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,504
and cold flash
menopause popsicles.
392
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,548
- Ugh. Well, this might not be
393
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,216
the best timing, but...
394
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,634
I need a favor.
- Yeah.
395
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,046
Today's the day when I'm
gonna do my first favor ever.
396
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,424
- This isn't a favor for me,
397
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,474
it's a favor for all women.
- Ugh!
398
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:11,309
- We are gonna
prove Tracy wrong...
399
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:12,810
- Bored.
- And show him
400
00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:14,520
how funny women are.
401
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,230
- Are we, though?
- By...
402
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,275
Re-staging our old show.
403
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,444
- Our old show.
404
00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,196
Huh.
405
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,073
Huh,
406
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:25,823
huh...
407
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,909
- are you thinking,
or doing kegels?
408
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:30,995
- Yes. Let's do it.
409
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:32,687
But we have to do
the doctor sketch,
410
00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,374
the one where I'm a little girl.
411
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,333
- Sure. Absolutely.
412
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:37,345
And thank you for
being a friend about this.
413
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,836
- Yes, friend.
414
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,630
I mean, yes...
415
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,049
Friend.
416
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,570
- Thank you for
coming in, gentlemen.
417
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:49,263
I look forward to discovering
exactly what each of you
418
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,599
has to offer
Zarina that I do not.
419
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,851
I know she has a sex idiot
420
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,561
for uninhibited experimentation.
421
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,271
- No, I'm pretty
sure we're in love.
422
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,283
- A filthy hippie to
make her feel bohemian.
423
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,858
I get it, I can't give her that.
424
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,550
Someone to make
her parents angry...
425
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,320
- aw, man, is that
all I am to her?
426
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:05,696
It's 2012.
427
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:08,282
- Sorry, norbert.
The truth hurts.
428
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,574
Interesting.
429
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,035
A mean Wall Street type.
430
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,204
I would have thought
I was the money guy.
431
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:14,536
So what does that make me?
432
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,707
Just the perfect head
of hair? [Chuckles]
433
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:20,378
- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
- Heavenly father.
434
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,463
You must be Ken tremendous.
435
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:23,423
I don't understand.
436
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,074
What am I doing
here? We've covered
437
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,136
all the classic
boyfriend archetypes.
438
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,388
Except the father figure.
439
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,056
Where is that guy, am I right?
440
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,017
The one who falls asleep at
the opera, and doesn't notice
441
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:38,020
that she's texting her
real boyfriend from his bed.
442
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,940
[Laughs] Where's that sucker?
443
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,236
Oh, no... is it me?
444
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,201
[Blaring rock music]
445
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,248
- Ladies and gentlemen,
what you are about to see
446
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,501
is a classic sketch
from the Chicago area
447
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,920
piven-nominated two-woman show,
448
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,212
Maroney and Lemon.
449
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,550
I take you now to this...
450
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,178
Doctor's office.
451
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,431
- [Cutesy little-girl voice]
Doctor, I'm unhappy
452
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,016
with me widdle body.
453
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:16,308
Can you help me?
454
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,559
- Well, of course.
455
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,313
Toddler plastic surgery
is an exciting new field.
456
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,274
We can take you down
an entire diaper size.
457
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:24,567
[Laughter]
458
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,152
- ♪ This sketch is hilarious ♪
459
00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,279
♪ take it from me ♪
460
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,740
♪ women are funny
we can all agree ♪
461
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,617
♪ Carrol Burnett,
Lucille Ball... ♪
462
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:34,035
♪ No, not gonna do it ♪
463
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,578
♪ it's beneath us all ♪
464
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,539
♪ 'cause we don't
need to prove it to you ♪
465
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:42,043
♪ no, we don't need
to prove it to you ♪
466
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,628
- "Tank" you, doctor.
467
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,004
- Don't thank me,
468
00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:47,131
thank roe v. Wade.
- ♪ whoo ♪
469
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,775
[Laughter and applause]
♪ no, we don't need ♪
470
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,799
♪ to prove it ♪
471
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,093
♪ oh, I didn't see that coming ♪
472
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,513
♪ no, we don't
need to prove it ♪
473
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:57,141
♪ to you ♪
474
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:58,673
- That was actually funny, Liz.
475
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,145
So why does TGS suck so much?
476
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,897
- Thanks, Frank.
477
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,566
- Elizabeth Q. lemonade,
I owe you an apology.
478
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,193
That skit was funny.
479
00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:08,486
Like, monkey funny.
480
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,404
- Thanks. That
means a lot, Tracy.
481
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,536
- When you were, like,
"come in, I'm a doctor,"
482
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,698
- yeah.
- And you had on
483
00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:15,368
that lab coat, like a doctor.
484
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:18,412
A lady doctor... oh my god,
485
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,164
that is hilarious!
486
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:21,850
- Really? That's what
you thought the joke was,
487
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,459
there's a female doctor?
488
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:24,377
- Yeah. And Jenna,
489
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:28,005
you as that sad old prostitute
trying to look young...
490
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,382
[laughing] Commentary!
491
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:32,176
- Old? Oh, thank you, Tracy.
492
00:17:32,468 --> 00:17:33,570
That's the only
reason I did this.
493
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,389
- And it was spectacular!
494
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,641
- Gerald! You came!
495
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,102
- You bet I did, baby.
496
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,437
There's nothing older
than trying to be young.
497
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,566
And you looked like a
million years up there.
498
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:47,857
Congratulations.
499
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,443
You are Gerichair's
500
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,655
new spokes-crone!
501
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:54,407
- Lolo Jones, a
man couldn't even do
502
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:55,283
that doctor sketch.
503
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,159
We would've just
been sitting there
504
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,328
listening to his medical advice.
505
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,372
You were right, Liz Lemon.
506
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:05,918
Women can be funny.
507
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,370
- You know what? I'll take it.
508
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,506
Stride of pride.
509
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:22,184
- Jenna?
510
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,270
[Gasps] Oh, Jack, I'm sorry.
511
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,482
I didn't think anyone
would be up here this late.
512
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,190
Sometimes, I like to
come up here at night
513
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,568
and flash my breasts at
the empire state building.
514
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,540
- Is that the only
building that you flash?
515
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,448
Or do you also flash
the time Warner center
516
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,925
to make the
empire state building
517
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,326
feel like an old fool.
518
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,952
- Are you all right, Jack?
519
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,788
You look like that flash card
they told me means sadness.
520
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,625
- I have to break it off
with a woman I'm seeing.
521
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,294
I found out I'm just
an aging Squirtle
522
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,671
in her Pokemon.
523
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,174
- [Sighing] That's tough.
524
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:54,906
Accepting the way
other people see us
525
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,469
can be difficult.
526
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,430
I mean, inside, I still
feel like a sex idiot.
527
00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:02,892
But I have to accept the
fact that I'm fake 56 now,
528
00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,811
and I'm more of a Diane
Lane ageless beauty.
529
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,522
But don't fight it, embrace it.
530
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:09,357
Look.
531
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,484
Do you really want
this girl asking you
532
00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:13,778
to go hear her
friend dj in Brooklyn?
533
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,321
- No, that sounds exhausting.
534
00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:16,893
- Do you want
to drive five hours
535
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:18,407
to go rock climbing with her,
536
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,242
and be expected
to have sex after?
537
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,161
- I do not. I mean, my back.
538
00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:23,513
- So don't break up with her.
539
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,373
Just be the older person.
540
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,665
It's fun.
541
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,709
You get to say racist
stuff whenever you want,
542
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,337
and people bring you soup.
543
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:34,382
- I do like soup.
544
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:43,265
- Okay, so maybe I never
got my sex and the city brunch.
545
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,518
And maybe I never
got to share the fact
546
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:48,229
that I now know four
different sexual positions,
547
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,523
one of which involves a chair.
548
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,609
But maybe a good relationship
is more than that, anyway.
549
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:58,030
All this talk of great-escaping
and pokemons got me thinking.
550
00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,322
Is accepting who you are
551
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,492
the secret to getting
what you want?
552
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:02,410
- Action!
553
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,245
- Gerichair makes it safe
554
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,871
for me to spend Christmas alone.
555
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:09,458
- Do men and women really
see the world so differently?
556
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,545
Or can we agree that we're
all just monkeys with suitcases
557
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,505
trying to seem like people?
558
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,007
- Well played, professor.
559
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,428
Wait... you're a female?
560
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,639
How you doin', girl?
561
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,600
- Can we get everything
we need from one person?
562
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,644
Or is that what friends are for,
563
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,522
to be the allied P.O.W.'s
564
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,399
and whimsical
Japanese mini-creatures
565
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:35,484
that help us get through life?
566
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:38,112
- Now, this is how people danced
567
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,964
before chubby checker
ruined everything.
568
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,700
- I guess what I'm saying is
569
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:45,244
I need to modify
my Zappos order,
570
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,330
so please email me back
at your earliest convenience.
571
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:50,332
Hmm. [Grunts]
572
00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:56,046
- Phyllis Diller, Joan rivers,
573
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,840
Gilda Radner, Lucille Ball,
574
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:01,635
Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
Carol Burnett, Lily tomlin.
575
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:02,928
- Yes, thank you, Tracy.
576
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:04,513
Those are all very funny women.
577
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:05,347
- Funny women?
578
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,959
Those are the
names of my fingers.
579
00:21:07,141 --> 00:21:09,143
Irma Bombeck, Tig Notaro...
580
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:12,730
Is my impression
of a Chinese person.
581
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:14,647
Wait! Hold on!
582
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,443
Ellen DeGeneres,
Mo'Nique, and roseanne barr.
583
00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:19,028
Now that's some funny women.
584
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,988
All of whom have screamed at me
585
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,617
because they
were on their period.
41271
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