All language subtitles for 30.Rock.S07E01.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE.SDH

- After all these years,
I finally have it all.

I'm gonna miss this place.

That's how you
do it. It's two lines.

[Car horn honks]

Hey, 1 % d-bag!

You can't park here! You
don't own the sidewalk!

- Ahh!

It's nice to see
you back at work

and taking advantage of being
in the greatest city on earth,

despite our tiny
UN-American sodas.

- Well, I feel like
New York City

is one of the
characters on our show.

- [Laughs] That's idiotic.

So how was your hiatus?
Start with what puzzles you did.

- Venice, solar
system, unicorn...

The cast of L.A. law.
That one took me a while.

So much white. Anyway...

Good to be back, but stressful.

The usual Liz Lemon
work-life balancing act.

- How are things with Criss?
- Good.

Great. We are trying...

- Really, Lemon? You
can't even say "trying"?

What positions are you using?

- The one. There's only one.
Talk about something else.

- Fine. We'll talk about me.

I have never been better.

And my divorce went smoothly.

In fact, thanks to a round of
golf with archbishop Dolan,

I was never married.

Libby won a bronze

in horsey jumpy at
the baby Olympics,

and at work, I am taking
the bull by the horns.

Have you seen
the new fall shows?

- Yes, I have...

Seen them.

- If you're tired
of sexy vampires,

then you'll love hunchbacks,

starring Jonathan
silverman as Dr. Fantastico.

And do you like the
information channel

you get when you
stay in a hotel?

Well, Thursdays
is just that now.

- So what do you
think of the new shows?

- I... hey, Jonathan's back.

- Yes, little big man discovered

the grass isn't always
greener on the other side,

and came crawling back.

- My grandmother
was seriously ill.

I went to salinas to
feed and bathe her.

- I'm sorry.
- I still don't like you.

- God cop?

"Crime just got a
new worst friend."

[Laughs] The hell is that?

- A show I am
very excited about.

A New York City
detective solves crimes

with the help of his
new partner, god.

- So god just tells
him who did it?

- God can't just
tell him who did it.

- Why not?
- Watch the pilot, Lemon.

It's all explained in the end

by the wise black man
played by Karl Malone.

- You're really taking
some swings here.

- I have no choice.

My boss Hank Hooper is
clearly planning to retire.

Word is he bought a boat.

But it's not a yacht,

for corporate parties
and hooker disposal.

It's a two-man fishing boat.

- I believe that
is called a skiff.

- I will not have you telling me
boat names in my own office.

Hank has vowed to keep
Kabletown in his family.

I have one chance to change
his mind before he retires.

That's where shows like god cop,

O.J. Simpson live, and
rule of threes come in.

- Oh, brother.
- Oh, brother...

A comedy about two
jive-talking con men

hiding out in a monastery.

Jonathan, bring
me my green light.

[Exciting jazz music]

♪ ♪

- [Screaming, crying]

My wedding is
gonna be a disaster!

The doves I ordered
for the wedding came,

and they're all dead!

- Ugh! Ugh! One of
'em touched my tongue!

- [Sobbing]

- Calm down.

I'll show you that
video of Taylor swift

getting hit in the
face with a foul ball.

- Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The
doves were just a drill.

Everyone needs to be on
their toes for my wedding year.

I'm gonna be a nightmare.

- Wait, if that was a drill,
did you kill those doves?

- No. I bought them
at the dead dove store.

Grow up, Liz.

- Jenna, you're always a...

High-strung perfectionist.

- I prefer soul-sucking monster.

- How could your wedding
make you any worse?

- I don't know,

but it's a fun little journey
we're all gonna go on together.

- Uh-huh. So when
is this wedding?

- I can't tell you. It's a
secret surprise wedding.

Because that's what
all the big celebrities do.

Beyonce, J.Lo, Natalie Portman,

whose real last name
is Hershlag, by the way.

- Okay, that's not relevant.

- I just think people
should know.

You know,

I have a lot of
really good friends

I could ask to be
my maid of honor.

Paz de la huerta, the
former Mrs. Jon Cryer,

honey boo boo's mom.

- June.

- But you're my oldest friend.

And also, I've known
you for a long time.

Liz, will you be
my maid of honor?

- Oh, Jenna, that is so nice.

But I've just got
so much going on

with the show and baby stuff.

Oh, god! My hands! Please!

I'll do it! I'd love to do
it! You're my best friend!

- Oh, yay!

Oh, you're in charge of
the bachelorette party.

Make sure you have a
stripper there from every race.

Start looking for Indian
now. It's a tough booking.

Mm, best friendies!

[Smooching]

[Door closes]

- [Knocks] Mr. Jordan.
I need some advice.

- I recommend you
get it from Liz Lemon

or an owl who wears glasses.

- No, sir. It's about women.

I've been living with Hazel
for the past few months,

and while we have
gotten to second base...

- you mean a threesome
with Robinson Cano?

- No.

I mean sharing a yogurt.

I'm saving myself for marriage,

and Hazel says
she's saving herself

for a grade-a pork machine.

And those are expensive.

It's just Hazel's my
first real girlfriend,

and I want to
make sure I'm doing

everything I can
to make her happy.

- I'll tell you how to
make a woman happy.

You take charge.

She comes home one night,

you're in the kitchen
naked cooking chili.

You feed it to her
out of your hands.

Make her act like a bird.

Damn it, I don't know. I've
been married for 22 years.

- That's half as long as it
felt like arliss was on TV.

- You want to make
a woman happy?

You listen to her.

'Cause guess what.
She's always right.

The women in our
lives are queens.

Honor your queen, Kenneth.

If she wants to look at
new window treatments,

you go to crate barn.

If she wants to
have a dinner party,

you go fry up some dolphins.

- She does say
we never entertain.

- You're losing her. Go get her!

Go get your woman!

And speaking of which,

Angie's been in the
hospital for a week.

Could you go find out why?

- Ooh.
- Thank you.

- Frank, you do stand-up.

How would you like to
have your own sitcom?

- Can I have a hot wife?

- If you gain 50 pounds.
- Yeah.

- Hey, I have an
idea for a show.

It's about a boy who
befriends a talking panda,

and they're allowed to
sleep in the same bed.

- Have it on my desk tomorrow.

- Okay.
[Coughs]

- Look, Jack, I know
you think fixing NBC

is just another negative
synergy dynamics matrix.

- I wish.

Then I could just solve it
with a Schwarzfeld tesseract.

No, this is the nadir
of my career, Lemon.

No room for advancement,
a boss who doesn't get it.

Every day, I wish some other
company had bought NBC.

Xerox, Alcoa, paas.

- The easter egg company?

- They own their market.

When was the last
time you bought

a non-paas egg-dyeing kit?

- Try never. Paas is the best.

Their wire egg Dipper
is tops in the industry

with the thinnest egg
loop to reduce dye lines.

- Exactly.

Only I don't work for
paas. I work for Kabletown.

But I have a plan
that will fix everything.

- Okay, here's the thing, Jack.

Your plan isn't gonna work.
Your shows are terrible.

I mean, have you seen that
new game show homonym?

- Your next word is "meat."

- Oh, boy. Um...

Like when two people
run into each other.

- Uh, sorry, it's the other one.

Your next word is "stare."
- Okay.

Um, the things
you climb to get...

- no, no, it's the other one.

- It's always the other
one. Let me see the card.

- No! Never!

- Your shows stink, Jack.
- Really?

So you don't peacock them?

- I don't... Think so.

But look, I get it.

The clock's ticking, and you
feel like time's running out.

It's like me and everything.

How long is this
show gonna last?

How many eggs do I have left?

Will I ever finish
reading the corrections?

But you can't let that
panic get into your head.

- Well, thank you for
your feedback, Lemon,

but I'm not panicking, I
know exactly what I'm doing,

so good peacock to you.

- But, Jack...
- I said good peacock.

- [Sighs]

- Mr. Jordan.

I mentioned your dinner
party idea to Hazel.

- Yes.

And I thought we'd have a
little fete chez nous ce soir.

- Oh, how nice to meet a
woman who speaks the language

of the Nazis' most
enthusiastic collaborators.

What a kind invitation.

I do enjoy seeing the
homes of poor whites.

What should I bring?

- Just bring your
fascinating self.

Kenneth tells me
that you started

your own movie
studio this summer.

- Yes. I'm sort of
the black Tyler Perry.

- Oh, and I'm an
aspiring actress

whose most recent
credits include

running onstage
during sister act.

- This is wonderful.

Tracy Jordan is
coming to dinner.

Just like in that
episode of family matters

when Tracy Jordan
came to dinner.

- You know I wasn't
scripted to be in that episode.

I just wandered onto set because
Reginald VelJohnson owed me $40.

- Oh.
[Chuckles]

- I'm thinking about Vegas
for the bachelorette party.

We can't stay at the palms.

One of the maloofs
wants me dead,

and the other one loves me.

I don't remember which is which.

- Okay, great.

Tracy, I need your advice.

You like to throw parties.

- Why is everyone
asking me for advice?

I'm Tracy Jordan.

Father of 3, married 22 years.

I run my own business.

Oh, my god. I'm the
most stable adult here.

- Oh, god, I don't want to
be Jenna's maid of honor.

She wants her
"something borrowed"

to be Jessica biel's youth.

I don't know how to get that.

- If you don't want to do
this, you should tank it.

That's what I do when I
want to get out of something

like a schedule, a
parent-teacher conference,

or this boring conversation.

- Tank it? Wow, no.

That's not "how I roll."

- Thank you for saying
that in dated urban slang

so that I'll understand you.

- Word.

And I would certainly never
tank on my friend Jenna.

- Because you're
terrified of her,

the way most white ladies
are with their best friends?

- That is racist,
and only part true.

A good person doesn't
intentionally do a bad job.

I mean, look at Jack.

He's in this terrible
position at work,

he wishes he were
somewhere else.

Is he tanking it?

No. In fact, he's
trying even harder.

- Tonight on NBC,
Joe rogan is mandela.

And if it's Wednesday, it must
be Cricket night in america.

Then on Jay, a full hour
of Gary Sinise's band.

- Oh, my god.
Jack's tanking NBC!

- Turning around on
god cop, scene 24.

- I know what
you're doing, Jack.

You are purposely
tanking the network.

- Good god, Lemon, what is it

with you liberals and
your conspiracy theories?

I've got bad news for you.

The CIA did not
invent crack cocaine,

the levees blew themselves
up in New Orleans,

and no one is trying
to destroy NBC.

- Hang on, did you cast
yourself in this show?

- What can I say?

We saw hundreds
of actors for god.

Finally, the network executive
said I should just play it.

- You're the network executive.

- Uh, could we have
a moment, please?

Fine. You got me.

I'm steering the
Titanic into the iceberg.

- Why? Are you
trying to get fired?

- I'm trying to get Hank
to sell the network,

and the only way
to make him do that

is to turn it into a
money-losing embarrassment.

- [Gasps] This
explains everything.

How long has this been going on?

Seven years, eight?

- Six weeks.

I have an investor lined up

who'll buy the network
and keep me in charge.

I can't tell you who it is,

but his word is as good

as the color consistency
on one of his easter eggs.

- Adolph paas?

This is wrong, Jack.

- Lemon, I cannot go to
another business school reunion

and sit at the non-CEO
table with the...

Women and nice men.

You're right, Lemon, the
clock is ticking for both of us,

but if I pull this off,
it's good for you too.

You've never worked at a
properly-managed company before.

- That's true.

Before this, I ran an
all-women's theater company.

Everyone was vice-president.
- Think of the job stability.

Less stress, a commissary
that has taco Tuesdays again.

After seven years,
you'll finally have a life.

- And what if your
plan doesn't work?

- Of course, it's a risk,

but sometimes your only
choice is to blow everything up

and build something
better out of the rubble.

Look at sherman's
march to the sea.

Or what my good friend
bane tried to do to Gotham.

Join me, Lemon.

Help me tank NBC.

- Never. You're playing
with peoples' lives here.

Who do you think you are?

- God, we're ready for you.

- If there is one thing I
have realized from being god,

it's that the more you know,

the more you
realize you do not...

Know.

- Why is he learning anything?

He's supposed to be
god. [Knock on door]

- [Gasps, turns off TV]

Now, don't embarrass me.

Tracy! Welcome to our home.

- Well, it's not
technically a home,

because no one's
supposed to be living here,

but welcome to our condemned
site of the Candyman murders.

- Will you put this in the
oven at about 200 degrees?

My snake should
be very comfortable

while she gives birth.

- Oh.

- Mr. Jordan, please help
yourself to some appetizers.

- Thank you. Your
home is terrible.

- Shall we conversation?

- Yes. We're having weather.
- Much weather.

- So speaking of
your movie studio...

- This conversation
has a real flow to it.

- Do you ever have any
roles for white women

who've been described
by the Hollywood reporter

as "some lady" who ruined
the premiere of paranorman?

- Oh, I always have one white
person in all of my movies.

We have to have a villain.

- Oh, and who's worse
than us whites, right?

I mean, look at slavery.
That was bananas.

[Laughter] [Clattering]

- Oh, that sturgeon
just will not die.

Excuse me a moment.

- Oh, I also do accents.

[Asian accent] Oh,
me a cockney person.

This is your uncle Bob?

[Laughs]

- Oh, Liz. Fyi.

Paul's family dog is
gonna be the ring bearer.

Zoltan is an 18-year-old German
Shepherd who cannot walk.

So you're gonna
be in charge of him.

- No, Jenna, I'm
allergic to dogs.

- Oh, don't worry.

He's hairless because
of his insanity medication.

Also, since this is
a surprise wedding,

you're gonna want
to carry around

your bridesmaid's dress
with you at all times.

Look how great this is
gonna look next to me.

- You know I can't
wear green, Jenna.

The Clinique lady says
I have witch undertones.

- Liz, this isn't about you.

Now, tonight, we have
a tasting with the caterer.

It's gonna be
molecular gastronomy.

The cake is a tasteless foam.

- [Deep voice] There's no cake?

- Tonight on NBC...

Tank it,

the reality event of the year

where we make
grandpas put on tank tops

and then laugh at them.

Tank it.

- You know what? I
can't do anything tonight.

Because tonight is your
surprise bachelorette party! Aah!

- Aah! No way! You
planned it already?

- Sure. And you should
get your hopes way up.

See you at my apartment at 8:00.

- Your apartment? Why?

- It's a surprise.

And there's nothing worse
than a surprise Lemon party.

- Kenneth, darling,

why don't you run
out and get dessert?

- Oh, but we have
government ice cream.

- And that's what you're
gonna serve to Tracy Jordan?

- I'm as shocked as anybody.

- Oh, uh, okay.

Oh, maybe the nice
vending machine

at the prison is working again.

- You're a real
man, Tracy Jordan,

playing it cool all night

while I rubbed your
foot under the table.

- My foot?

No. That's shoe stuffing.

It helps keep the
shape of my shoes.

Why was you rubbing
my foot anyway?

- Please.

You know what's happening here.

- I never know what's
happening anywhere.

- [Giggling]

- Okay, let's get
this party started!

- Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

What is this?

- It's your bachelorette party.

Bethany from work is here,
and a bunch of my neighbors,

a clown.

And there's a god
cop marathon on NBC.

- I think Esposito lied to us.

- What do you mean
"you think"? You're god!

I don't understand
the rules of this.

- Let us pray.

- To whom?

- Before you say anything,

I have one more
surprise for you.

Officer, we're ready!

- Oh, thank god.

- Listen up, ladies.
You're all in a lot of trouble

if you don't protect
yourselves against identity theft.

Please take a pamphlet,
pass them along.

- Okay, you're upset.

But this is what you get

when you choose Liz
Lemon as your maid of honor.

Oh, so let's get this over with.

I mean, what's the
worst you could possibly...

- Aah!
- [Screams]

- Tracy, I will do anything

to play a villain in
one of your movies.

The camera loves me.

Especially when I
flash my baby blues.

- Why are they Blue?

- Yeah.
- No.

I'm married, Hazel.

- So am I.

And if he ever wakes up
from that coma, I'm dead!

That's why I live for today.

- You're just using Kenneth,
and I'm telling him everything!

- Whatever. Go ahead and try.

- I'm gonna have to try?

Worst night ever!

[Crash]

- Just ask one of your famous
friends to be maid of honor!

- Why do you think I
asked you in the first place?

Because you're not famous!

You think I want
someone up there with me

that other people
are looking at?

I wanted you because
you're nothing!

[Glass breaks]
- [Screams]

Yeah, I get it.

You didn't want to
get Pippa Middleton.

- Why would you
even mention her?

[Crash]

Who's gonna be my
maid of honor now, Liz?

Nobody.

- From the rubble, I will build.

- Are you talking about
me underneath your breath?

- Jenna, that's it.

Nobody will be
your maid of honor

because there's only
one person who can be.

You.

- What? That's crazy.
- Think about it.

There would be nobody
to steal your spotlight.

In fact, you would
have two spotlights.

- I think the maid of honor
should sing at my wedding.

- Sure.

- And she could do a fashion
show that takes the audience

all the way through
the wedding night.

And what if she came
in in a wheelchair,

and then stood up, and
everyone applauded and cried?

- I know you doubted me, but
now you see my plan could work.

So what do you say?

Are you on board, Liz?

- You just called me Liz!

- Oh, we can fix that
in the cutting room.

Uh, Jonathan...

Where's my car?

- Kenneth, I have
something I need to tell you.

Last night when you
left, Hazel came on to me

'cause she wants me
to put her in a movie.

- Hazel, is this true?

- Yeah, it is true.

Not!

What I said was

I would never sleep with
Tracy for a part in a movie.

- Oh, please, you would love
for me to fall asleep on top of you.

Come on, kenmore
washers and dryers,

who you gonna believe here?

- My best friend.
- Not really.

- And my girlfriend.
- You wish.

- Well, I always
believe you, sir,

because you're on television.

- And webisodes.

- But yesterday you told
me our women are queens,

and they're always right,

which means I
should believe Hazel.

But that would make
you wrong, Mr. Jordan.

And you've never been
wrong about anything before.

- It's a blessing and a purse.

- You can't both be right.

Unless Hazel is always right.

But only because you
said so, Mr. Jordan,

which means you're right too.

And both sides being right
is like kissing your sister.

A wonderful treat!

[Laughs]

- Bad move, Jordan.

We'll see who's still
working here in six months.

- My hearing is bad
because of firecrackers,

but we'll see who's still
working here in six months.

- That's what I just said.
- What?

- Okay, I get it.

Sometimes tanking
it is the only option.

- What did you do?

Fake a sprained ankle to get
out of that breast health 5k?

- No, I did that.

I forgot my sports
bra, so ironically...

- uh, it doesn't matter, Lemon.

I'm just glad that
you've seen the light.

Now, help me tank NBC,
and you'll be helping yourself.

You'll have it all.

- Jack, it's 9:30
in the morning.

- We're not trying to do
a good job here, Lemon.

Now, what do you say?

Are you in?

- Let's take this mother down.

- Next word, "sent."
- I don't care.

Okay, "cent" like
a penny. Whatever.

- No! Sorry, no.

Oh, it's a homonym double down.

Means you get to guess again.

"Sent."
- okay, um...

Then "scent" like
a smell or an odor.

- No. It's the third one.

- [Bleep] Yourself!

- Next word is "au pere."

- What? There is
only one definition.

It's like a nanny,
a foreign nanny.

- No! You forgot.

It could also be an
exclamation about a fruit,

as in, "oh, pear!"

- What you are
doing here is not right!

I'm... I'm leaving.
- [Laughs]