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1
00:00:04,129 --> 00:00:05,214
- Hey!
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,233
You didn't whisper in my ear
and kiss me to wake me up
3
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:07,966
like you always do.
4
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,093
- I've never done that.
5
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,472
- Sweetie, wake
up. It's morning.
6
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:17,976
Liz: I love you too.
7
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,103
- Anyway, I'm taking
the Van out to queens.
8
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,564
There's this big parade.
Parades need people.
9
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:23,899
People need hot dogs.
10
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,527
That's where Van
Der Beek and I step in.
11
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:29,279
- You named your Van after
the guy from Dawson's creek?
12
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,633
- I've seen everything he's
ever been in except for that.
13
00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,377
- Please just let me
pay for the renovation.
14
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,450
- No.
15
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:35,994
- Or we could just hold off.
16
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,663
We don't need a nursery now.
17
00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:39,998
And who knows if
we'll ever even have a...
18
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,375
Plant or whatever?
19
00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:44,086
- See, you're already
backing off of this whole thing
20
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,231
because you don't think
I'm the guy to do it with.
21
00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:48,015
You're gonna bail on me.
- Hey! I don't bail.
22
00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,175
I am still watching
smash, Criss.
23
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,827
- Well, I'm not
gonna be the reason
24
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,054
why you put anything on hold.
25
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,932
I'm getting that money.
26
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,525
- Good morning!
- Ah!
27
00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:07,817
- Girl talk time.
28
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,444
Fine, I'll go first.
29
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,613
Since I had to move
out of Razmig's place,
30
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,324
my living situation's
been a little in flux,
31
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,327
and obviously I can't
go to a homeless shelter.
32
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:18,996
I mean, the people there
33
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,182
can be a little sexually
conservative for my tastes.
34
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,000
So I was thinking...
35
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:25,836
Maybe I could crash
with you for a year or so?
36
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,088
- Wow! Okay.
37
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,507
Look, Hazel. I'm sorry, but no.
38
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,439
You and I do need to
have some boundaries.
39
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,678
- Aw, poor baby.
40
00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,179
Can't hack it in the big city?
41
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:37,711
Gonna move to the bay area now,
42
00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:39,933
pretend that that was
your dream the whole time?
43
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,561
Have fun always
carrying a light sweater.
44
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,855
- Is this about when
I tried to cripple you?
45
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,440
Jenna, that was weeks ago.
46
00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:48,859
- Bye, Hazel.
47
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,986
I look forward to
reading your obituary:
48
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,947
"Least famous person
in the world dies."
49
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:59,828
- Lemon, didn't you
get ordained online
50
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,760
and perform a lesbian
wedding last summer?
51
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:04,750
- Yes, I married Becky and
Dee because love is love
52
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,042
and there's no reason
53
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:07,562
they shouldn't experience
the Joy of marriage
54
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,586
like any other couple.
55
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,149
- I'm not going to
the container store.
56
00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,174
This is my Saturday.
- Congratulations.
57
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,746
You just turned
into your father.
58
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:18,096
- Avery and I want to renew
our vows tomorrow afternoon
59
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,428
and we need and officiant.
60
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:20,681
- Jack, no way.
61
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:22,684
Wanting to renew
your vows is a sign
62
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,216
that there are deeper problems.
63
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:25,520
You kissed Avery's mom.
64
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:26,972
- Which they both know about.
65
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,399
And they're fine with it.
66
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:30,776
- They're fine with it?
67
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,070
What bill O'Reilly erotic
novel are you living in?
68
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,489
- I suppose our situation
is most reminiscent
69
00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:37,199
of "the commodore's lust"
70
00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,534
from the "patriot's
after dark" series.
71
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:40,994
- Okay, fine.
72
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,914
But if I'm doing this for
you, guess what, buddy.
73
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,917
I get your Yankees tickets
on a-Rod bobblehead day.
74
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,187
And I'm gonna throw
that thing in front of a train.
75
00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:52,089
Go Phillies!
- Thank you, Lemon.
76
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:53,882
- Skinny arm-havers!
77
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,258
Diana!
78
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:56,590
What a wonderful surprise.
79
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,553
I did not know you
were coming up for this.
80
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,264
- And why wouldn't I, Liz?
81
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,117
Although, a vow
renewal is a little tacky,
82
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,541
so I'd rather they
weren't doing it.
83
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,144
- Oh, really?
84
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,855
That's the reason you
wish we weren't doing it.
85
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,984
There's no other
reason, right, mother?
86
00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,407
- Stop, drop, and roll!
87
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,701
Let me out! Let me out!
88
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:31,962
♪ ♪
89
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:41,888
- Well, Tracy, I hope
you're proud of yourself.
90
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,141
You were named
"man of the year"...
91
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,144
By the "journal of the
Aryan patriot party."
92
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,937
- Did they say
when the banquet is?
93
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,898
Because I'm kind of between
tuxes due to weight fluctuation.
94
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:53,900
- Tray, this is not good.
95
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,361
- You are a representative
of the black community.
96
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,813
You're supposed to be
making us look better, not worse.
97
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,574
- I do!
98
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,427
For instance, in Pixar's
upcoming movie about trash,
99
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:05,287
I'm doing the voice of a lazy
bottle of grape-flavored soda
100
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,330
named Funky Bobo.
101
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,917
Okay, I hear it!
102
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,211
- Scott and I saw each
other every day at work,
103
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,046
but we're forbidden
from speaking.
104
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,883
I was living in an exact
replica of cinderella's castle
105
00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:20,302
that Kim jong-UN had
built for his shoe collection.
106
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,137
- And I was kept in a pit
107
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,848
where they made me
beat my best friend to death.
108
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:25,766
Awkward.
109
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,559
- Wow. What an ordeal.
110
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,895
And I know a little
bit about suffering
111
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,230
because I work out... a lot!
112
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,941
I think we have a clip.
113
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,841
- Kim jong-UN's fifth miss
universe title in four years.
114
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,177
And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
115
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,469
- Thank you, Avery.
116
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,514
Now for today's highlights.
117
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,015
Kim...
118
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,435
- And now with sports,
Scott Scottsman.
119
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:11,853
- Thank you, Avery.
120
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,939
And now for
highlights. Kim jong...
121
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,400
- And now with sports,
122
00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:18,860
Scott Scottsman.
123
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,695
- Thank you... Avery.
124
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,365
And now with today's sports...
125
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,866
Highlights.
126
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,993
- It's a code!
127
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,503
- Oh! I'm sorry.
128
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,505
I was gonna come in here and cry
129
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:41,174
'cause I didn't get back
into the page program.
130
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,510
But instead I'm being brave.
131
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,011
- Oh, stop whining.
132
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:48,515
I don't have a place
to live, Kenneth.
133
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,684
I'll have to go back
upstate to that cult.
134
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:53,520
Oh, god, I had so many husbands.
135
00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:55,272
Blah, blah, blah.
136
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,315
- You really don't
have a place to live?
137
00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,693
Well, where will you
sit patiently in the dark
138
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,862
while you wait for
the next day to start?
139
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,238
I mean, sleep?
140
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,823
Miss Wassername,
141
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,491
you can stay with me.
142
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,828
I remember how tough it was
when I first moved to New York.
143
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,746
I still wouldn't be
able to afford rent
144
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:16,167
if I didn't have a roommate.
145
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,587
Have a good day, Doris.
146
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,189
"You have a good
day too, Kenneth."
147
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,715
Whatever, Doris. Grow up.
148
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:24,134
- Well, if you really mean it...
149
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,803
- I don't mean it, I nice it.
150
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,764
You're staying with me, Hazel.
151
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:35,729
- Ah, so... How was your day?
152
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,232
What are you doing?
153
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:40,804
- Answering your question, dear.
154
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:43,945
My day was revealing.
155
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:48,158
- Jack, I can explain.
156
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,368
You love wet feet?
157
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,370
- Okay, maybe I haven't
mastered your code,
158
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,247
but I'm trying to
say you lied to me.
159
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,017
You said you didn't
do anything with Scott.
160
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,792
Is this nothing?
161
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,503
"I miss you at night. I
think about you all the time.
162
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,315
"I couldn't get through
this without you.
163
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,925
Check out Kim jong-UN's
pants. Where's the flood?"
164
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,718
How could you do this to me?
165
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,346
- Scott and I have
never touched, Jack.
166
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:11,973
Unlike you and my mother.
167
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,665
- I thought you
forgave me for that.
168
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:14,934
- Of course, darling.
169
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:17,038
Now maybe you can forgive
me for developing feelings
170
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,205
for the only other
person in the world
171
00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,648
who knew what I
was going through!
172
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,180
- All right, we obviously have
some problems to sort out,
173
00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:23,294
but we're going
to get through this.
174
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,754
We're Jack and Avery.
- That's right.
175
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:25,778
We're not quitters. See?
176
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,627
I'm not even angry anymore!
177
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:28,865
- Nor am I!
178
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,992
Do you wanna watch
downton Abbey tonight?
179
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:34,955
- I'd love to! Maggie
Smith is a treasure!
180
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:45,632
- ♪ My soil's pretty good
so I will plant this seed ♪
181
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:49,803
♪ my back's still strong
enough to pull some weeds ♪
182
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,930
♪ I can kick out
all these stones ♪
183
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,766
♪ and I can shoo
these birds away ♪
184
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:58,728
♪ growing together every day ♪
185
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,814
♪ We find a little sunny spot ♪
186
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,941
♪ with mornings full of dew ♪
187
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,068
♪ and I will tell
the garden club ♪
188
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,654
♪ how proud I am of you ♪
189
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:11,908
♪ growing together
it's just botany ♪
190
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,327
♪ growing together ♪
191
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,372
♪ planty and me ♪
192
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:20,500
I know. I'm sorry.
193
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:21,876
I didn't...
194
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,336
Yeah?
195
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,788
- Hi, I was thinking about
you. How's the parade going?
196
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:27,048
- Uh, tough crowd.
197
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,426
I had no idea the Shmuley
Israel memorial parade
198
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,302
was a predominantly
Jewish event.
199
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,863
- Criss, you don't
have to do this.
200
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,305
I am not gonna give up on you.
201
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:35,908
- You know what kind
of women in their 40s
202
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,092
have never been married, Liz?
203
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,852
Uggos, crazies, and bailers.
204
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,144
You're not an uggo.
205
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,564
And you're "ha-ha"
crazy, not "oh, boy" crazy,
206
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,482
which means you bail.
207
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,651
So I'm not gonna give
you an excuse to quit.
208
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,945
I don't care what it takes,
I'm getting that money.
209
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:56,369
- Planty, no!
210
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,539
I don't care about that.
211
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,834
Okay, who am I? Who am I?
212
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:07,547
- Doris!
213
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:10,592
Wonderful. See
you tonight, roomie.
214
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,845
- Yes, you will.
215
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,057
- Hazel.
- What?
216
00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:21,436
- A moment, please.
217
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,229
Let's cut through
the crap, Hazel.
218
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,690
I know how you think.
You lie, you cheat.
219
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,484
You manipulate to
get what you want.
220
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,296
I'd admire you if
you weren't brunette.
221
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:30,612
- I'm a natural blonde.
222
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:34,449
- That's insane!
223
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,160
Look, I don't know what
your angle is with Kenneth,
224
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:38,652
but you leave him out of this.
225
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,747
- I don't have any angle
with Kenneth, Jenna.
226
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,707
I've already taken care of him.
227
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,334
- What's that supposed to mean?
228
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,045
- Nothing.
229
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,840
Stop looking at my ass.
230
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,802
- Stop pointing your
ass at my eyeballs.
231
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,387
- It's an honor to finally
meet you, Questlove.
232
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,348
- Tracy, this is
Dr. Cornel West.
233
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,225
He teaches
African-American studies
234
00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,184
at Princeton.
235
00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:04,437
- Yeah, brother Walter and
brother Warren and I were out
236
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,856
seeing the five-year
engagement last night,
237
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,775
and they mentioned your concerns
238
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,611
about the image you're
presenting as a black man.
239
00:10:11,903 --> 00:10:13,339
- Look, I don't wanna
make us look bad,
240
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,781
but these dumb white writers
241
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,533
don't know how
us soul cats speak,
242
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,827
one 'twixt the other.
243
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,888
And they keep backing
up this truck full of money
244
00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:21,912
for me to do this crap.
245
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,080
I don't know what to do.
246
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,488
- Before you change the system,
247
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,835
you've got to change
yourself, brother Jordan.
248
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962
Who were your black
role models growing up?
249
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:30,630
- Darth Vader, ninjas,
250
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:33,383
some black licorice I tried to
make into the shape of my dad.
251
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,135
- That's the challenge there.
252
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,946
How are you gonna
be a black role model
253
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,471
when you've never had one?
254
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,473
I've been blessed
to have mom and dad
255
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:43,768
and my brother cliff, John
Coltrane, Curtis Mayfield,
256
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:46,271
and as of last night,
brother Jason Segel.
257
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:49,649
- So I just need to find my
own role model to inspire me.
258
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:50,941
But where should I look?
259
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:52,472
- Might be closer
than you think.
260
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,445
Maybe right under your own nose.
261
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,656
- Under my own nose.
262
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,491
Like a mustache.
263
00:10:58,783 --> 00:10:59,784
A mustache.
264
00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:01,076
Tom Selleck!
265
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,539
- You've got to go to
a civil rights museum.
266
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,250
I'm praying for my brother.
267
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,714
- Excuse me.
268
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,049
- Diana! The ceremony's
not for a little while.
269
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,552
You might wanna pace yourself.
270
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:18,946
- Hey, are you gonna do the part
271
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,015
where you say, "speak now
or forever hold your peace"?
272
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,558
- I was gonna. Why?
273
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:26,686
- This is gonna be a mess!
274
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:28,229
- Diana.
275
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,399
- Excuse me, are
you Elizabeth Lemon?
276
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,960
During the ceremony,
are you gonna do the whole
277
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,704
"speak now or forever
hold your peace" part?
278
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,446
- Wait, what? Why? Who are you?
279
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,948
- I'm Scott. I was
in Korea with Avery.
280
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,618
We used to tap messages
to each other during the news.
281
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,270
One day we made
love while tapping.
282
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,954
It was beautiful. No butt stuff.
283
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:47,665
- No, no, no. Scott, you don't
wanna break up a marriage.
284
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:48,957
- Oh, I'm not married.
285
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,376
Before I got kidnapped,
286
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,104
Teresa and I were
engaged to be engaged.
287
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,422
- No, Jack and Diana...
Avery! Avery and Diana...
288
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,091
Damn it! Jack and Nancy.
289
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,968
No, do not do anything.
290
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,845
- Excuse me, lady.
291
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,347
You do the vow?
292
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,933
You know, "speak now or
forever hold your peace" part?
293
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,434
- Oh, my god. Are you...
294
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,645
- no! I'm nobody!
295
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,021
Kim Jong-Il is dead.
296
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:11,856
I'm only waiter.
297
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,318
I'm greatest waiter of all time.
298
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:18,071
- Okay.
299
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:20,156
Oh, boy.
300
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,952
- Hey, guys!
301
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,329
Quick question about the vows.
302
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,123
The whole "speak now or
forever hold your peace" part...
303
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,575
All things considered, it
kinda feels like it's just...
304
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,253
Asking for trouble.
305
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,744
- Liz, do the vows as written.
306
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,548
Yes, this relationship
has been tested.
307
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,717
And yet here we are.
308
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,512
- To quote George
W. Bush, Lemon,
309
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:43,221
"bring 'em on."
310
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,753
He said that to me in galveston
311
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,224
when a busload
of drunk debutantes
312
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:47,517
tried to get on his boat.
313
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,477
It was named "Mr. Water boat."
314
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,354
Did it sink? Yes.
315
00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:53,082
Because there were
too many people on it.
316
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,565
But the spirit of
his words lives on.
317
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:55,937
- Okay, but are you sure...
318
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:57,485
- I appreciate your
concern, Lemon.
319
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,405
But Avery and I
don't quit. Ever.
320
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:02,615
- Hello, Kenneth.
321
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,659
How are things with
your new roommate?
322
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,804
- Oh, are you talking
about Hazel or the raccoon
323
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,148
that won't let me
into my kitchen?
324
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,540
Either way, the
answer is "wonderful."
325
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:11,874
- I'm talking about Hazel.
326
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,418
I know how she thinks, Kenneth.
327
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,920
So I went down to
human resources,
328
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,547
turned on the old charm,
329
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,507
and got a copy
of the application
330
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,634
you submitted to
the page program.
331
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:26,306
- This isn't my application.
332
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,308
This isn't even my handwriting.
333
00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,226
- Do you know whose
handwriting it is?
334
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,728
Hazel's.
335
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,647
She sabotaged you so
you won't become a threat.
336
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,192
- And to think I thought
Hazel was a bitch!
337
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,571
Friendly and loyal like a
well-trained female dog.
338
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,573
But she isn't a bitch.
339
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,242
She's a meaniepants.
340
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,913
This is gonna be a mess.
341
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,499
- Police are reporting that
a bank on Jackson Avenue
342
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,710
was robbed this afternoon
by a lone suspect...
343
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,545
A white male in his 30s.
344
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,922
Security cameras caught
the getaway Van heading west
345
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:00,882
towards Manhattan.
346
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,550
- Nerf-herder!
347
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,218
Nerf-herder!
348
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,387
- Oh, come on, tray.
349
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,198
Are you telling me you
haven't found one person in here
350
00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:09,265
who inspires you?
351
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:10,743
- What about Frederick douglass?
352
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,894
- A guy with two
first names? Next.
353
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,396
- That dress belonged
to Rosa Parks.
354
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,915
She's one of my personal heroes.
355
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,775
- I think I found my role model.
356
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:20,068
- Good choice.
357
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,462
Sister parks once said each
person must live their life
358
00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:23,166
as a model for others...
- Shut up, Dotcom.
359
00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:25,448
I'm not talking about her.
360
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,760
I'm talking about me
looking funny in this reflection.
361
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,984
I'm gonna do a movie where
I play someone's fat old aunt
362
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,497
and I say stuff
like, "whoo-wee!"
363
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,750
And "sweet child, sit
yo' black ass down!"
364
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,461
- No, tray, that's exactly
what we're trying to avoid.
365
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:40,797
- Questlove asked
me to find a role model.
366
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,840
I did. It's Tyler Perry.
367
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,927
From now on, my
movies will be produced,
368
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,054
written, directed,
and seen exclusively
369
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:49,806
by African-Americans.
370
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,307
That's right.
371
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,684
I'm starting my own studio.
372
00:14:55,812 --> 00:14:57,105
- Hey. Hey, beautiful!
373
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,399
- You can't go to
prison, you idiot.
374
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,568
They will ravage you and
your beautiful woman face.
375
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:03,861
I'll say I did it.
376
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:05,196
I can handle prison.
377
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:07,257
I have a mean face and
I can will myself to sleep
378
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,491
in any environment.
379
00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,243
- Wait, what are
you talking about?
380
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,370
- The heist. They saw your Van.
381
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:14,372
Why didn't you
take out the cameras
382
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:17,667
and kill all the witnesses,
you beautiful bastard?
383
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:19,877
- I didn't Rob a bank, Liz. God!
384
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:22,004
No, I sold the
Van this morning...
385
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:23,798
To a really nice
young guy on meth.
386
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:27,009
- You sold Van Der Beek? For me?
387
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,555
- I sold Van Der Beek... For us.
388
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,765
I don't wanna wait
for our lives to be over.
389
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,852
And now... I can pay
to redo the upstairs.
390
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,980
- And I was gonna
go to prison for you.
391
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,190
Even when I thought
you had robbed a bank,
392
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,525
I wasn't gonna bail.
393
00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:44,068
I won't bail on you!
394
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,195
- You won't bail on me.
395
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:47,572
You won't bail on me.
396
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,049
- Have you ever had a girlfriend
397
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,509
willing to Thelma
and Louise with you?
398
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,034
- No. Never.
399
00:15:52,326 --> 00:15:54,203
But come on, Bonnie
and Clyde. Okay, I'm a boy.
400
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:59,667
I'm a boy, Liz.
401
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,295
- Also, I hear Pippa
Middleton couldn't come today
402
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:05,590
because Avery was
borrowing her ass.
403
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,512
- If anyone can show just cause
404
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,183
why Jack and Avery may
not be lawfully joined together,
405
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,811
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
406
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,568
Hey, Teresa.
407
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,490
- I just want
Alereeb to be happy.
408
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,411
- Kim...
409
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:36,787
Where are you going?
410
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,998
You're the best
waiter I've ever seen.
411
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:43,169
- I know, Mr. Stepanian. I know.
412
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,631
- Great! So no one.
413
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,341
- Are you people kidding me?
414
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:50,193
- Seriously, no one
has anything to say?
415
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,677
You're all cowards.
416
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,347
- He kissed my mother.
417
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,557
- And she's in love with Scott.
418
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,437
- How can you stay silent when
there's so much to object to?
419
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,064
What kind of friends are you?
420
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,525
- I have something to say.
421
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,777
I played Avery Jessup
in "kidnapped by danger,"
422
00:17:08,069 --> 00:17:09,570
now available on sega Genesis.
423
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:10,862
Thank you!
424
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,991
- I forgot about the TV movie
that whitewashed our love story.
425
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,035
I was dating another woman.
426
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,912
- And I wasn't
ready to get married.
427
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,455
Both: We only did it because...
428
00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:22,959
- She was pregnant.
- I was pregnant.
429
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,796
- You truly are an
amazing woman, Avery.
430
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,607
The only thing you're
bad at is quitting.
431
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,591
- I kept my sea monkeys
alive for 30 years.
432
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,203
- We're both
incapable of failure,
433
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:33,506
so deep down we were hoping
434
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,304
someone else
would ruin it for us.
435
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:37,356
- I mean, if we wanted
this thing to succeed,
436
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,517
why would we
ask Liz to officiate?
437
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,853
- Because I'm good at
blending humor and heart?
438
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,564
- I'll always care for you.
439
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,316
- We'll split assets
in custody equally.
440
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,277
I'll take our friends
"a" through "I."
441
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:50,903
You'll get "m" through "z."
442
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,531
Liz, divorce us.
443
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,117
- By the power vested in me
444
00:17:56,409 --> 00:18:00,079
by the website
instaminister. Estonia,
445
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,873
I now pronounce you divorced.
446
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,713
Yeah! Divorce!
447
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:10,923
Whoo!
448
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,390
- I thought you were my friend.
449
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:22,059
But you were trying to
destroy me the whole time.
450
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:26,147
- It started that way.
451
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,191
But then I fell
in love with you.
452
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,360
- All you've done is lie to me.
453
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:32,778
How can I believe you now?
454
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,615
- Believe this.
455
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,533
Mmm! Ah!
456
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,661
- Don't you ever do that again.
457
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,758
- This would make a
great room for a baby.
458
00:18:54,050 --> 00:18:56,510
- You said, "baby,"
instead of "plant."
459
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,054
Now say, "man cave."
460
00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:01,015
Never!
461
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,019
Wow.
462
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,480
Didn't expect to
see you tonight.
463
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:08,772
- In all the commotion,
464
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:09,690
I forgot to give
you this little...
465
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:13,027
Thank you for
officiating our event.
466
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,119
It's the remote control holder
you wanted from Skymall.
467
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:24,413
- Yes! Yes! Awesome!
468
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,499
Ah!
469
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,377
Ohh...
470
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:33,214
Oh, Criss is doing a
little renovating upstairs...
471
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:36,008
Because we are thinking
about having a baby...
472
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,635
Together...
473
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,389
That will emerge from my vagina.
474
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,766
Or a Chinese vagina.
475
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,018
- Okay.
476
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,270
I'll see you at work tomorrow.
477
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:49,562
- Wait, that's it?
478
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,273
You're not gonna
give me any advice?
479
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:54,276
- I can't, Lemon. I
don't have any right to.
480
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:55,778
I've been, uh...
481
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,447
Divorced... twice.
482
00:19:58,739 --> 00:19:59,949
Engaged two other times.
483
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,701
I'm... a mess.
484
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,161
But any child would
be lucky to have you
485
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,789
be the mother it loves
then hates for a few years,
486
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,207
then loves again,
487
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:10,139
then half-heartedly
defends to its spouse,
488
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,545
then puts in a home.
489
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:14,922
You don't need my advice.
490
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,633
- But I still want it.
491
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,719
- If you decide to have child,
492
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,889
you are going to make
an excellent mother...
493
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,581
As long as you
follow Jack Donaghy's
494
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:27,893
25 pillars of motherhood.
495
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,104
Number one, don't
overthink the names.
496
00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:32,815
Stick to kings and
queens of england.
497
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,817
There will never be
a president Ashton
498
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,528
or a Dr. Katniss.
499
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,989
Or a non-sexually
confused Lorne.
500
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,281
Number two.
501
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,748
Ah, we had a good time tonight.
502
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:52,752
I wonder what will happen
to the gang next season.
503
00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,754
Will Liz have a baby?
504
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,840
Will Jack become supreme
leader of Kabletown?
505
00:20:58,132 --> 00:20:59,132
Will Kenneth...
506
00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:00,885
No, I don't care!
507
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,555
All I want is Jack
and Liz get together.
508
00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:07,141
On friends, it
was so satisfying.
509
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,811
They do on cheers,
they do on moonlighting.
510
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,104
Everybody do it!
511
00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,356
Don't overthink it, writers.
512
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,567
Whoever you are.
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